January 12, 2025 • 55 mins
In this episode of The Quiet Warrior Podcast, Lisa Carpenter – a master coach, professional athlete, hypnotist, and host of The Full Frontal Living Podcast – shares her transformative journey of overcoming perfectionism, building resilience, and embracing authenticity in leadership and life. With heartfelt honesty, Lisa explores how dismantling labels and self-imposed limitations can unlock greater potential and fulfillment.
Key Discussion Points:
- Athlete Mindset: Lisa’s journey as a professional athlete and how it taught her resilience, discipline, and the ability to embrace challenges both in the gym and in business.
- Working from Point B: The power of visualizing success as a done deal and aligning daily actions with that mindset.
- Redefining Perfectionism: How perfectionism is a coping mechanism and why embracing imperfection fosters growth and connection.
- Healing the Inner Child: Understanding self-compassion and reparenting as essential tools for personal healing.
- Challenging Labels: Why stepping beyond self-imposed identities, such as “introvert” or “athlete,” opens up new possibilities for growth.
- Full Frontal Living: The courage to strip away coping mechanisms and face life’s challenges authentically.
Mentioned Resources:
- The Full Frontal Living Podcast by Lisa Carpenter
- Lisa Carpenter’s website: lisacarpenter.ca
- Instagram: @lisacarpenterinc
Actionable Takeaways:
- Challenge Your Identity: Examine the labels you attach to yourself and explore how they may be limiting your growth.
- Adopt the Athlete Mindset: Embrace discipline and non-negotiables to achieve your goals, whether in fitness, business, or personal life.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge your imperfections and approach yourself with kindness and curiosity.
- Be Responsible for Your Energy: Recognize the energy you bring to a room and lead with intention and authenticity.
Follow-Up Actions:
- Subscribe to Lisa’s podcast and explore her private podcast offerings.
- Reflect on areas in your life where you might be clinging to perfectionism or labels.
- Practice small steps to connect with others authentically, especially as a quieter or introverted person.
Connect with Serena:
Rate and review The Quiet Warrior Podcast: Apple Podcasts | Spotify.
- Subscribe to The Visible Introvert newsletter for weekly tips.
- Join me on LinkedIn where I share empowering ways to show up as an introvert in the workplace and as a business owner
This episode was edited by Aura House Productions
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Serena Loh.
If you're used to hearing thatintroverts are shy, anxious,
antisocial and lack goodcommunication and leadership
skills, then this podcast is foryou.
You're about to fall in lovewith the calm, introspective and
profound person that you are.
Discover what's fun, unique andpowerful about being an
(00:22):
introvert, and how to make theelegant transition from quiet
achiever to quiet warrior inyour life and work anytime you
want, in more ways than youimagined possible.
Welcome, welcome to anotherepisode of the Quiet Warrior
podcast.
Today I have with me LisaCarpenter, who is a master coach
(00:45):
, a board-certified hypnotist,an author, a speaker, a
professional athlete and host ofthe Full Frontal Living podcast
.
Welcome, lisa.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Thank you so much for having me, Serena.
I'm really looking forward tothis conversation and serving
your community powerfully.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Thank you so much, Lisa.
The first thing I'm reallycurious about is your journey as
a professional athlete.
I was following you for alittle while in your
bodybuilding journey.
Looking at your photos.
Tell me what makes you, whatmakes anyone decide to take on
something so different from whatthey normally do, to decide to
(01:25):
become a professional athlete,to do all that work you know,
and that requires you,particularly in bodybuilding and
taking part in competitions, toput yourself out there in a
very different way.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
That's a really great question and, to be honest, I
think I've been an athlete myentire life.
So I just turned 52 the otherday and you know, when I started
going to the gym was after Igraduated high school and I was
one of, like the token women inthe gym.
There were no other women inthe gym back then.
(01:59):
I was like an anomaly, anomaly.
And now I mean it's so excitingfor me to walk into any gym or
any community center and there'ssuch diversity in people who
are lifting weights now andspecifically women.
You know, I see women in thesquat rack now on the regular,
(02:19):
whereas for a long time it waslike the little pink two pound
dumbbells and the.
You know women were focused alot on aerobic training.
So women have really gotteninto weight training over the
years.
So, but for me personally, Ithink I've always I've always
been an athlete.
I grew up as a dancer and takingreally good care of my physical
body.
I'm a very kinesthetic person.
I love the challenge that camewith weight training.
(02:39):
I loved the, I loved how Icould change my body.
I loved how I could get really,really strong.
And just for your listeners, youknow, because when people think
of bodybuilding, they oftenthink of people like, you know,
arnold Schwarzenegger, or womenwho look like men.
I do not look like a man.
I could lift like crazy heavyweights and I'm never going to
(03:02):
be shaped like that.
I'm always going to be veryfeminine because I'm a natural
athlete.
I'm only five foot one on stage.
I'm under a hundred pounds.
So when we're talkingbodybuilding like, I am
miniature.
I am miniature.
So part of this is likebreaking down the stigma around
what bodybuilding actually isand you know how it relates to
(03:24):
my business.
And this kind of you know,athlete mindset is everything
that I am capable of doing inthe gym is 100% transferable in
my business.
Because lifting weights if youare truly going for
transformation in the gym,you're going to have to be
pushing yourself hard.
You're going to have to dothings that you don't
(03:45):
necessarily want to do.
You're going to have to pick upthe weights that maybe you
don't think you're going to beable to move.
Or, you know, do an exercisethat you don't particularly love
, but it's going to lead youtowards the results that you
want to get for yourself.
So, you know, for a lot ofyears in my business, like I
(04:09):
said, I've been, you know,weight training in the gym for
years and years, and years, andit's always been something that
I've come back to.
And when my first two boys werereally young, that's when I
started competing, and then thesport of bodybuilding and
fitness.
It is, in itself, a job,because when you are dialed in
to get ready to go on stage, youhave to be a hundred percent
committed to that end goal.
(04:31):
They're not going to push offthe show If you're not ready.
You have to be ready.
So you've got to do the thingsthat you don't necessarily want
to do the cardio, the weighttraining, all the things that go
with it.
So I did that for quite a fewyears, had a lot of success in
it.
Then my kids were young.
I wanted to start growing mybusiness.
So I kind of retired from thesport and went all in on my
business.
(04:51):
But what happened for me in 20,gosh, I think in 2018, I decided
, after years of being in mybusiness and my business taking,
like all my time, all my energy, all my effort, one of my
coaches suggested that.
You know I put my focus back onthe sport that I loved.
So, even though I was stilltraining in the gym.
(05:15):
There's a difference betweentraining versus being a
competitive athlete and training.
So I went back to being acompetitive athlete and what was
truly fascinating for me wasagain that that alignment of
what was happening in the gymwere direct lessons as to what I
could be doing in my business.
(05:36):
Sit down at my desk and I'd belike am I actually showing up
the same way in my business thatI am in the gym?
Am I willing to do hard thingsthere, but what things am I
avoiding in my business?
So it really changed how Iapproached growing my business
(06:00):
once I got back into being acompetitive athlete.
So and as I've said to youbefore, we went live, in my
opinion, most entrepreneurs,ceos, they are actually athletes
.
They may not see it that way,and the reason that I say that
is in order to be a competitiveathlete or a pro athlete or even
(06:22):
a weekend warrior, it does comewith a certain level of
commitment to the outcomes thatyou want to create.
You have to take great care ofyourself.
Rest needs to be a priority.
So it's great what I do in thegym, but that's only effective
if I'm making sure that I'mresting when I'm not training
(06:42):
and that I'm fueling my bodyproperly, that I'm getting in
the right nutrition, that I'mstaying hydrated, that I'm
taking divine care of myself,and then I'm really treating my
body with a lot of love andreverence and as entrepreneurs.
Entrepreneurs are often workinglong hours, they're pushing
themselves really hard, but thenthey're treating their physical
wellbeing like an afterthoughtand then they're wondering why
(07:06):
they can't perform their best asthey're growing their business.
So they're showing up to leadother people and, uh, you know,
as as an athlete and as aprofessional athlete, I need to
be able to perform at my bestevery single time I go into the
gym.
It doesn't mean that I'm alwaysgoing to right, but that is the
goal that I come in and I'mable to perform my best.
That relies on a lot of factorsoutside of the gym, and the
(07:30):
same is true for allentrepreneurs and CEOs.
How you're going to show up andperform and lead your team and
lead your business and createthe results that you want are
going to be correlated with howwell you take care of yourself,
because if you burn yourselfinto the ground, you're not
going to be able to show up foryour business.
You're just not going to getthe same results.
(07:52):
So this is why, you know, Ireally am passionate about
allowing people to explore theirperspective of an athlete.
You know, the other thing thatathletes do is we're always
visualizing our success.
You know, I walked out on thatstage a million times in my mind
(08:12):
before I ever walked out on thestage in real life, and the
same is true in our businesses.
It's casting the spells that wewant to create for the future.
Are we willing to spend time invisualization, in holding on to
those dreams?
You know we talk a lot aboutworking from point B versus
(08:35):
working to point B, right?
So if I'm already on the stage,if I'm standing up there and I'm
winning my pro status, how do Ineed to show up today in order
to make that happen?
That's a completely differentmindset than I hope I get to
that goal over there.
It's the difference between,like that goal is actually a
done deal.
(08:55):
What do I need to do today toensure that?
Versus like kind of hoping,like holding that vision out
there but not really beingcommitted to the outcome you
want.
That's the way I look at it.
So that was a lot in thatanswer for you about athlete and
athlete mindset, but I thinkthat so many people would
benefit from seeing themselvesthrough that lens, especially if
(09:19):
they are in leadership roles.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
That was a lot in an answer and that's going to lead
to a lot of questions.
So I can imagine one of thequestions people would have
would be what does working frompoint B mean?
Because you know, in ourconversation we might understand
the difference between workingto point B and working from
point B, but for somebody who islistening to this and new to
(09:43):
these kinds of concepts andhearing this for the first time,
they might be a bit puzzled asto what do you mean?
Because we always think point Bis something out there.
It's not me yet, it's future me.
So there is still a gap, thereis still a distance that I have
to travel.
I have to do things to gettowards point B and each day I
take these micro steps or maybesome massive action and
(10:05):
eventually I get to point B.
But what you just said therewas you're working from point B
and point B is already a donedeal.
How does one get into that kindof a mindset?
Speaker 2 (10:17):
It's.
You know, a large part of it,as I said, is understanding that
point B has already happened,is understanding that point B
has already happened.
So it's acting as if if I wasalready in this position, if I
already had the success, if I've, what does my life look like?
I'm already there and thenlooking at what are the
decisions that I made in orderto get me there.
(10:39):
So you know, for me to stand upon stage stage, you know, in a
lineup of other professionalathletes, I have to believe that
I can hold my own against thoseother professional athletes.
I have to see myself in thatlineup with those other women
looking absolutely fabulous and,you know, standing in my power
(11:01):
there, and that's a big part ofit.
So, working from point B, it'slike if it's already done.
What are the decisions thatyou're going to make today that
support that?
So you know, if I'm on stage,standing there with those other
pro women, I am not going tonegotiate with myself about the
(11:21):
things that I need to do in myday my cardio, my weight
training, whatever it may be,the food that I need to eat and
pack.
I'm not going to negotiate onthose things, because to have
that identity of that person inthat vision.
These are the things that haveto happen today, and I think,
when we're trying to worktowards a goal versus working
(11:42):
from the goal we often negotiatewith ourselves, we find reasons
, excuses, fears, whereas ifyou're already there in your
mind, you're going to show up ina very different mindset.
So I think that that's thebiggest difference for me.
It just it helps to dictate thecommitment and the
(12:04):
non-negotiables that have tohappen in order to create the
outcome that I've already seenin my mind.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
That makes a lot of sense.
You're not going to negotiatewith yourself, so you don't make
excuses and you don't let yourfears dictate your actions.
So those things are immovable.
Those are your steadfast, youranchors, the things that you
need to do.
The other question I would haveis you said something about
casting the spells we want forthe future, and that reminds me
(12:34):
of how easily, as children, wewould cast spells.
We read about what magicianscan do, what fairies can do, and
we believed it can do whatfairies can do and we believed
it.
So why is it, as an adult, itis so hard to believe that we
can succeed, we can do thisspectacular thing, this pull up
this project, become thisamazing, successful entrepreneur
(12:54):
, the CEO, the professional atwork.
Why is it such a hard thing foran adult to cast those same
spells?
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Isn't it interesting that something that's celebrated
when we're children, right,that ability to be in our
imagination and live in awe andwonder but as we get older we're
told to grow up and show up andbe realistic, and that we don't
get to have those dreamsanymore?
And what's happening really isother people are projecting
(13:23):
their limitations onto us,because the truth is, you can
pretty much have anything youwant if you're willing to put in
the time, the effort, theenergy, sometimes the financial
resources, and hold on to thatvision.
I don't know if you saw thisSpaceX with Elon Musk like
(13:44):
threading the needle of thatrocket coming back down to Earth
.
I don't know if anybody haswatched this, but I mean it is
absolutely mind blowing thatthey send this rocket up and
then they bring it down and theyliterally land it in what looks
like a pinhole.
And that happened because ElonMusk whether you like him or
(14:04):
hate him doesn't really matter,it's irrelevant was willing to
hold on to his vision and he wascast out by all the American
astronauts like you can't, youknow you're breaking tradition
but he held on to the vision ofwhat he saw and what he wanted
as an innovator and he waswilling to stay in that place of
wild curiosity and wonder.
(14:24):
And what if this is possible?
And it takes a lot of courageto stand in that energy when
most of the world is coming atyou with their limitations.
And you should work your nineto five and you should play it
safe.
And do you think you're beingsmart about this?
And you went to school for this.
Why would you want to give thisup to do this thing?
(14:45):
But the most successful peopleI know are the ones who had the
courage to say I'm going to bemisunderstood, and that's okay,
because my visions and my dreamsare so important to me.
And you know, even if theydon't hit that specific goal
they're going for.
Even if they don't hit thatspecific goal they're going for.
(15:07):
You're still going to learn alot along the journey, right?
My first attempt at my pro show.
I didn't even place, but Istill felt like a winner being
up on that stage, right, itstill expanded me into what else
is possible.
So I would rather live with thedreamers and the delusional
thinkers who know what'spossible, because it truly is
the only things.
(15:27):
We're really limited is by ourmind and just look at your life
and see the things that you'vealready created, because
everything around you in someway shape or form, you've
created that from your thoughts,from your beliefs, like your
life is a reflection of what youbelieve on the inside, and the
more you continue to expand intowhat's possible for you I mean,
(15:49):
I don't know about you, but Ican find lists in my journals of
things that I wanted to createin this world that I'm like, wow
, that happened.
They didn't always happen in theway that I would have requested
that they happen, but you know,from the car I drive to the
house that I live in, there's somany things that I would have
requested that they happen.
But you know, from the car Idrive to the house that I live
in, there's so many things thatI've created in my world that
(16:10):
was once this like beyond mywildest dreams.
So and I'm not, you know, I'mnot some special unicorn, I
didn't get given an extra giftthat nobody else got I have just
chosen to hold on to my dreamstighter than to the limitations
that are being, you know, tryingto be sold to me by other
(16:32):
people who are caught in theirown limitations.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
What I'm hearing is it's not a black and white thing
, you don't have to be this orthat.
It's more what you just saidthere Hold on tighter to your
dreams than your limitations, soacknowledging that you still
have limitations, that sometimesthat inner critic is going to
tell you you can't do this.
Is that a good idea?
This is not safe at all, and soon.
But then you are lettingsomething else be louder and
(16:59):
something else prevail.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
You know, I think something that people often
believe is that you have to berid of fear and doubt to take
the next step, and never oncehave I done anything where fear
and doubt weren't standingsteadfast at my side.
I've just learned to kind ofembrace them and be with them,
versus allowing them to hold meback.
Now there are some things,definitely, that I can look back
on and say, wow, that took me along time to move past that
(17:30):
fear and it'll take as long asit.
It'll take as long as it takes,but a big part of it is
acknowledging that, oh, fear anddoubt are part of this game
that I'm playing and they'rehere because they're trying to
protect me.
Right, they're just parts of methat want to make sure that I'm
safe, that want to make surethat I'm loved, that want to
make sure that I'm going tobelong in this world.
(17:50):
They are trying to do their job.
But the wiser part of me, right, that inner knowing part of me,
has to be able to kind ofcorral them.
Wrap, you know, wrap my armsaround fear and doubt and say
like we're going to be OKregardless of what happens on
the other side of this win orlose, succeed or fail, I don't
(18:12):
know.
I kind of look at everything asa win.
But we're going to be OK, andthat's a big part of emotional
resilience is knowing that,however things turn out, you are
going to be okay.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
That takes an enormous amount of self-trust
Trust in life, trust in theprocess, trust in the magic that
, even when we can't see, westill know that it's going to be
okay.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Yeah, but I would challenge any of your listeners
to ask themselves like do theyhave any evidence that they
can't trust themselves?
Right?
So when we're looking at atself-trust, we can get into the
wheat Like I don't know if I cantrust myself.
Well, do you know that youcan't?
Do you get out of bed everymorning?
Do you feed yourself every day?
Do you brush your teeth everyday?
Are you raising children?
Because if you are raisingchildren, the amount of
(19:01):
self-trust that takes, becausethat doesn't come with a manual.
So when you actually set backand ask yourself that question
from a different perspective,you will often find that you
have more than enough evidencethat you can always trust
yourself and that you've alwayshad your own back.
And it's a story that we wantto tell ourselves that we can't
trust ourselves.
And listen, things happen inlife that will make that you
(19:24):
know self-confidence and thatself-trust be wobbly.
I've definitely experiencedthem.
But I ultimately still comeback to the place of Lisa.
Are you still standing?
If you're still standing, thenthere really is no evidence that
you can't not trust yourself.
So how about we just put onefoot in front of the other,
(19:49):
right?
Like you know, I talk a lotabout these parts.
You know fear and doubt, but wealso have this like part of us
that we can pull forward.
That is that steadfast parentalfigure.
And maybe you didn't have thisgrowing up in your life I know a
lot of us didn't.
But can we cultivate that innerparent that can say like I'm
here for you, I'm never going toleave your side, I've got you
(20:10):
Right?
You can kind of like it canlink arms with the fear and the
doubt.
Pretty soon you'll have like 15characters like that movie
inside out, right, all thecharacters.
But we can cultivate thesepieces of ourselves, these parts
of ourselves that will help usmove forward.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
And you know, learning how to parent, learning
how to parent yourself, is abig part of self-trust, I love
that, because I'm on a similarjourney, with that parenting and
also healing of the inner childand being all the things that
we needed when we were that age,that little age when we were
(20:45):
defenseless, powerless, wedidn't have the words, the
vocabulary, the ability to standup for ourselves, and perhaps
it is that we are projecting outof that same five-year-olds
fears and insecurities, andthat's the part that's shouting
really loudly.
So I love what you said, thatabout making fear and doubt
recognizing that's the partthat's shouting really loudly.
So I love what you said, thatabout making fear and doubt
recognizing that they are partof the game, part of your
(21:07):
journey, not pushing them away,not trying to use those fierce,
aggressive kind of language,like you know overcome,
eliminate as though they are theenemy.
They are not the enemy and likeyou said they, they are here to
keep us safe, so they actuallyhave a protective function.
They actually are on our side.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
They are and you know I think so many of us would be
served to step back when we talkabout you know, because inner
child healing has become quitepopular and I think it's
important to talk about it alittle bit because you know so
many of the men and women I workwith and literally I can go out
into the world and look atanybody.
We are all like childrenwalking around in adult bodies.
(21:49):
We are all wounded childrenwalking around in adult bodies
and quite often the it's thefive-year-old or the
eight-year-old part of us thatis making decisions in our lives
.
Yet you would never turn toyour eight-year-old and say you
know, should we go play intraffic today, like you would
never hand over big lifedecisions to your eight-year-old
(22:09):
.
Yet we're allowing that innereight-year-old or five-year-old
to play that role in our lifewithout even recognizing it.
And for many of us, you know, Ithink it's a generational thing
.
With every generation I thinkwe're getting better as parents,
even though, you know, our kidsare still going to have stuff
they need to work out.
So many of us didn't get what weneeded from our parents and one
(22:34):
of the things that was said tome by, you know, one of my
coaches was, you know, lisa,trauma and I'm talking like
little t trauma isn'tnecessarily about things that
happen to us, but it's aboutthings that we didn't receive as
children.
We didn't receive that feelingof safety or our love or
(22:54):
belonging.
We will start to develop copingmechanisms and that's what kind
of, you know, guide us throughour life.
So those coping mechanisms arebased on that child who took in
the information without anydiscernment of knowing what was
right or wrong, just based onwhat was happening.
And now that's the part that'sleading us around as adults.
(23:15):
So, learning how to parentthose parts of us, learning how
to be better, question askers oflike where's this coming from?
Or if I didn't feel this way,what kind of decision would I
make?
And is this fear, is this adult, me believing that this is
scary?
Or is this the child in me thatis fearful?
(23:37):
Something is going to happen?
And if it's more the child partof me, how can I parent that
part of me?
How can I parent that fear anddoubt and continue to move
forward?
I mean, I make it sound simple,but it's not.
It's complicated, it's messy,it's layered, it involves a
tremendous amount ofself-compassion, which so many
(23:58):
of us really struggle with beingkind and compassionate to
ourselves.
We're super good at thattowards other people, but we
really struggle at turning thatinside as well.
And you know, just circlingback to the athlete, you have to
be compassionate with yourselfas an athlete because you have
to know when to stop, you haveto know when to rest, you have
(24:19):
to know when you're injured andact accordingly right, so
continuing to push yourself willcompletely take you out of the
game.
So finding that balance ofcompassion and being that wise
parent, that's like.
You've got this, you can go dothis thing.
Both can exist at the same time.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
What if someone were to say that, because they didn't
receive that kind of nurturing,they have no clue how to be
that kind of a parent tothemselves?
Where would they start?
Speaker 2 (24:52):
I love that because this is part of what I've been
having to learn around my ownjourney as a parent, learn
around my own journey as aparent.
So I've been very open that Ireally have struggled struggled
as a parent when my kids wereyounger I much prefer older
children and it's because I'mrealizing that there were
certain things that weren'tmodeled to me.
(25:12):
And that's not to throw myparents under the bus, I'm not
blaming them.
They were doing the best theycould.
I think my mom was like 23 whenshe had me and I'm like, oh my
God, that's like a child, childhaving a child when I think
about it.
So you know, I've had to have alot of conversations with
coaches and colleagues that Itrust I've had to look.
(25:33):
So when something isn't modeledto you, it's having the courage
to look at, look in otherplaces where it is being modeled
.
Who do you know that shows thattype of uh, parenting ability?
Who do you know who's able toshow up with more compassion?
So surround yourself withpeople who are able to model the
(25:55):
behaviors that you're wantingto learn.
And this, this applies toeverything you know.
As you probably know, I used towork from a place of a lot of
lack and limitation.
This was, you know, versionLisa, 20 years ago, and I
started to have to ask myselfwell, how would a person who
truly felt wealthy and abundantall the time, how would they
(26:19):
show up?
Because I'm pretty sure theywouldn't be having a freak out
every time they received a billin the mail.
So, again, coming back to thatpoint B, right, who can I look
at that is already embodyingthis kind of identity of wealth
and abundance, and how wouldthey make decisions?
Right, it's no different thansaying who do I know that
(26:40):
embodies this like amazingability to parent and lead their
, their children, and then beingable to model that, you know.
So I, I channeled, like RichardBranson this was back in the
day, you know his Island gotdevastated by a hurricane and he
was like, okay, we just rebuildit.
I was like, whoa, we justrebuild, because that's that's
(27:01):
the identity he was working from.
So, yeah, it's, it's.
Who do you know that does modelthat?
How can you be curious abouthow you can be showing up
differently?
What kind of identity do youwant to start to step into?
So, even with you know, I knowyou talk to a lot of quiet, more
(27:22):
introverted people and I've got.
You know, I do believe inintroversion and extroversion
difference in terms of how wefill our buckets.
But I also think that so manypeople use introversion as a
reason to not put themselves outthere and as an introvert
myself, which means I need timealone to refill my bucket, but
(27:42):
that doesn't mean I'm notcapable capable of peopling.
But I started to think well, Idon't want to be an extrovert,
but what?
Who am I surrounded by?
Who does have more of thoseextroverted qualities and how do
they show up in the world?
Can I have a little bit of thatLike?
Am I capable of having a littlebit of that?
(28:02):
And it became this like, actingas if so, it didn't feel normal
or natural, and some of thenurturing things that I'm
practicing with my kids nowdon't necessarily feel normal or
natural and I'm capable ofchange and transformation, I'm
capable of new habits and newways of being.
So you know, I would go to, youknow these networking things and
(28:23):
I would just be like, okay, I'mgoing to talk to like one
person and be, be a hundredpercent me and not be coward in
the corner.
So, again, I'm not interestedin working the room, I don't
want to become an extrovert, buthow can I embody some of the
things that I really admire andappreciate about people who are
extroverted, right Like they putthemselves out there?
So, and same thing with myparenting.
(28:46):
When I go away, how about justevery day, I send my kids a
message to say I'm thinking ofyou, because that feels very
foreign for me.
I'm happy to just likedisconnect and be gone, but I'm
learning like, oh, this is whatit means to connect in a
different way to your kids.
So I've still got lots oflessons that I'm learning as
(29:07):
well.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
I love that.
I love the acknowledgement thatthis parenting thing is, in a
sense, a marathon.
It's a journey and it's as weare changing ourselves and
evolving and growing.
Our relationships also grow andour children are also receiving
a different kind of rolemodeling that maybe we didn't
have when we were growing up.
But we're able to modeldifferently Because, as you say,
(29:30):
we go looking for thosepositive role models and we
learn from them.
And you said I'm capable ofchange and transformation.
So therefore I'm not lockedinto my labels.
I may be this, I may be that,and I acknowledge that I have
these traits and thesepreferences in communication
style, but it doesn't mean thatI cannot also be flexible and
(29:51):
learn to communicate differentlyif I'm in a different context.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
It's beautiful.
That's really like you're very,very good at gathering
everything I said and then justputting it into this beautiful
little nutshell.
I love that.
That's a real gift.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
So we've talked about the athlete's mindset, we
talked about leadership andabout introverts.
Talk to me about perfectionism.
I imagine that, as an athleteand as professional athlete as
well as a master coach andeverything else that you do that
element of perfectionism wouldbe there.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Well, I think we need to talk about perfectionism for
what it is, which is justanother coping mechanism to hide
the parts of you that don'tfeel like they're good enough.
To hide the parts of you thatdon't feel like they're good
enough.
So if I'm perfect enough, if Ido everything right, then I
won't ever have to feeldisappointed, let down, hurt.
(30:49):
You know, you name your emotionbut the whole idea of
perfectionism is grounded inabsolute control, like if I can
make everything look and be acertain way, then I will be okay
.
But the problem with that isthat you're never really okay,
because how do you ever measureperfect?
(31:09):
What's perfect enough?
So, if we're talking about thesport of bodybuilding, I mean
you line up 20 women that areliterally flawless and then
we're all judged against eachother.
It's completely subjective,based on what the judges are
looking for.
I could be what I consider themost perfect version of myself,
(31:31):
but the whole sport ofbodybuilding is the fact that
you can constantly be changingyour body.
So perfect is this illusionthat often people are chasing,
because then, if they reachperfect, then again, then
they'll feel good enough.
But there is actually nomeasure of perfect.
So it's like being, you know,as one of my mentors says, it's
(31:52):
like being stuck in the roundroom trying to find a corner.
There's no corner.
There is no perfect.
No corner, there is no perfect.
So perfectionism in my own life, it used to be the thing that,
um, you know, I didn't realizethat I was using it as a coping
mechanism and and, uh, I didn'teven really know what it was.
(32:13):
And I remember being in atherapy group learning about, uh
, different process addictions,which perfectionism is a process
addiction, right?
So they're behavior addictionsthat are meant to numb out
things we're feeling.
And she'd given me thisexercise.
It was called the wall, and theexercise was to go home and to
(32:37):
write out all the things thatyou thought were blocking you
from connection with yourselfand connection with others.
I was like I got this.
So I went to the store, Ibought myself colored, you know,
pencil, crayons.
I had my sheet of paper and Ispent all night putting blocks
in my wall and then coloringthem in to make them nice and
(32:59):
pretty, and then coloring themin to make them nice and pretty,
and then the next day we had togo back to therapy and we all
had to open up our wall in frontof us and show the class.
And I was like I'm going tocrush this.
And I got crushed because Iopened up my wall, thinking like
I've nailed this.
There's not a single brick onhere.
(33:21):
She's not going to catch mewith anything that I don't
already know about myself.
And I opened up my wall and sheleaned over and she looked at it
and she's like what do you guysnotice about Lisa's wall?
And I was like what do you mean?
What do you notice about mywall?
She's like oh, it's very pretty, isn't it?
It's very perfect, isn't it?
And I immediately got defensiveand went into arguing which is
(33:45):
a red flag for me because I knowsomething's been triggered when
I start to push back.
And she circled my whole wallin red pen and wrote
perfectionism and she nailed me.
She nailed me right Because inmy attempt to get it right, I
was like well, if I am perfect,then I'm not going to feel this
way.
(34:05):
And she cut right through thatand I've never forgotten it.
This was more than a decade agoand it stayed with me because I
realized that I had a choice,that I was often using my
appearance, how I presentedmyself, because I can look like
a Barbie doll, like, hands downmy little convertible, my blonde
(34:27):
hair.
I can look like a Barbie doll.
It is my responsibility to notuse my appearance or anything to
block people from connectingwith me or for me, connecting
with myself.
So I am always gonna be thefirst to walk up to somebody,
even being an introvert, tointroduce myself, because I know
that people can often feelintimidated by me and that used
(34:51):
to be by design, right, like ifI look a certain way, people
won't approach me and if theydon't talk to me, then they'll
never figure out that I'm soinsecure.
You know my work.
I can show you the first coursethat I built online and
everything had to be just sowith it.
And now I look at the courseand I'm like, oh my gosh, I look
like a robot because I wastrying so hard for it to be
(35:11):
perfect and professional in theright fonts.
I mean, I used to get caught upin fonts and colors and stuff
that nobody cares about, and thefreedom that I now have on the
other side of no longer tryingto be perfect is I can shoot
video walking out of the gymwith my hair on top of my head
and no makeup on, I don't care,right, if you look at my
(35:34):
Instagram feed, it is a hot messand it is real, you know, it
just doesn't matter.
So you know, perfectionism somany people get caught up in it
and they don't even realize thatthey're caught in it.
They don't even recognize thatthey don't have to live this way
.
Yeah, so there's just.
(35:55):
You know, I know I said a lotin there, but it really is about
not having to feel a certainway and a lot of times, for a
lot of people, it's aboutavoiding judgment.
Right, if they can look acertain way and be a certain way
and things are a certain way,then other people won't judge
them.
And, as I shared in my wall,like I was still judged, I did
everything perfectly and I wasstill judged.
(36:16):
She nailed me.
So there's my thoughts onperfectionism.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
So you said perfectionism is an illusion,
it's completely subjective.
And that reminds me, becauseI've got a younger daughter
going through the VCE right now,which is like the equivalent of
the last year of high school.
You have exams and then thatdetermines whether you get into
university, and it's measurednot based on your results per se
but as your results compared toeverybody else's.
(36:44):
And so I saw that parallelthere that it doesn't matter
actually how well or how badlyyou're doing.
It also matters what otherpeople are doing.
So if everybody else is doingreally badly, you come out
looking really good, but ifeverybody else is much better
than you are, then you come outmaybe just above average.
So the whole thing is moving allthe time, and so when we get
(37:07):
too emotionally attached and, asyou say, it's a coping
mechanism which means then itmight go back to where is this
coming from?
You know, maybe when I was 10,someone said really harsh, and
I've internalized that.
I've made it a story, I've madeit part of my identity that I'm
not good enough unless I do allthese things.
(37:27):
Therefore I have to be perfectand do all these things, and so
if we can exerciseself-compassion and also
recognize and go back and hugthat 10-year-old and reassure
them, reparent them with a lotmore kindness and grace and
maybe an assurance ofunconditional love that you know
, regardless of whether you camein first in class or you know,
(37:50):
you only got 90 and not 100,it's okay.
It doesn't affect who you are.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Yeah, I think it's important to like start paying
attention to where perfectionismis showing up for you.
Is it in you know, you havingto scour every detail, making
sure there's not a singlespelling mistake?
Is it in you know?
For me, I'd catch myself if Ihad to go do something, like I'd
be brushing my hair for 20minutes Nobody needs to brush
(38:15):
their hair for 20 minutes, right?
So I started to pick up onthese things, right?
Or if I was obsessing over afont or a PDF and I would sit
back and ask myself, like Lisa,what is actually going on for
you here?
Because it's not about the font, it's not about the hair, it's
not about any of this.
What part of you is not feelinggood enough right now?
(38:36):
What part of you is feelinginsecure or scared?
Part of you is feeling insecureor scared.
So, instead of trying to putyou know, cover it up with if
I'm just perfect, I won't haveto feel this it's actually
having the courage to lean inand ask myself, like, what is
really going on?
Like, like you would noticewith your children and say wait
(38:57):
a minute.
Like what's really going on foryou here, Because I noticed
these behaviors which are comingto the surface right now, which
I know means that there'ssomething more going on for you.
When we approach ourselves withmore curiosity and compassion,
that's when we find out, youknow, we discover deeper things
about ourselves and we're ableto start to let some of these
(39:20):
behaviors go or at least havethem soften back.
Because I think, you know,sometimes perfectionism can
still show up for me and thatthat line between perfectionism
and excellence, right redefiningthat, I do want to put out
excellent work that's importantto me, and really being curious
(39:40):
about what is that differencefor me, so that I don't get
caught in, you know, hours ofstuff that just doesn't matter
at the end of the day, becauseI'm afraid of somebody, how
somebody else is going to judgeme for my work or whatever and
you know how I've been learningabout the extent of my
(40:02):
perfectionism lately and that'sbecause I'm going through
perimenopause and it's affectedmy cognitive capacity quite
significantly.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
yeah, I understand that a lot and I've been that
person that was always verycareful with spelling, with
grammar, with you, the way Iwrite and all that and avoid
misunderstandings and so on.
And all of a sudden I'm seeingall these errors after I've
clicked send it.
Just, it was so hard to acceptRight.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Because it's so.
It became so much of youridentity that the details matter
and you know I've also gonethrough some cognitive decline
over the past couple of yearsfor a variety of reasons and
it's incredibly unsettling.
It's really hard when you can'tfind your thoughts or your words
(40:54):
, especially for the job that Ido.
Right, when I've got 1000s ofpeople in front of me and I'm
coaching whether it's one on oneor a group of people in front
of me and I'm coaching whetherit's one-on-one or a group and I
can't find the word or thememory that I want, that's
impactful and I've had to let itlike okay, this is going to be
a little bit messier than it wasbefore, but allowing myself to
be the version of me today andnot measure that versus the, you
(41:18):
know, younger version of me,who maybe was a little bit
sharper in some areas, I thinkI'm much wiser now.
But yeah, it really bumps upagainst your identity when you
start noticing things aboutyourself that you believed you
were able to control in the pastand then not making it mean
anything about you like nobodyreally cares if there's a
(41:39):
spelling mistake.
Nobody really cares if there'sa spelling mistake.
Nobody really cares if youmissed a word, but it's letting
that go within yourself andhaving compassion for yourself
around that.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Yes, hence your point about curiosity, and compassion
is so important.
I can get curious about whereis this coming from.
Oh, it's because of thesechanges that my body is going
through at the moment.
I acknowledge them, I acceptthat this is part of the process
of aging, and I can also becompassionate with myself.
And all right, today may be aday maybe not so much for heavy
(42:12):
research.
Let's see what else I feel likedoing today.
Maybe I need to do more drawing.
Maybe I need to go out for awalk.
That's right.
I'd be okay with that.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
And drawing.
Maybe I need to go out for awalk, that's right.
I'd be okay with that, that'sright.
And you know when things arehappening to us.
You know acceptance is a bigpart of it, but you also don't
have to like something to acceptit, and I think that that's a
big part of you know aging as aswomen and everything in our
life right it's, it's beingwilling to accept things as they
are and also beingcompassionate around.
(42:43):
You know what I don't have tolike this, but the more I can
accept this, the more peace I'mgoing to bring into my life.
I promise you, serena, nobody'sgoing to be at your funeral and
be like well, you know what.
She sent 100 good emails, butthose last five, man, they
weren't very good.
Like nobody cares, right, thestuff that we get attached to,
that we give so much meaning to,nobody cares.
(43:05):
On the coaching calls where Ifelt like, wow, that was what
happened there, lisa, it'll be acall that somebody's like wow,
that was an amazing coachingcall and I'm sitting here on the
other side of the screen going,wow, I really had a hard time
trying to find my words there.
So, again, right, like there isno measuring stick for what is
(43:25):
perfect it's funny, it circlesback around to that self-trust
right.
Yes, having grown back is, inthose moments, not abandoning
yourself.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
That's interesting.
Tell me more about abandoningyourself.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Oh, that's interesting Tell me more about
abandoning yourself.
Well, when we, when somethinghappens like you send the email
and it's got typos in it and youmissed words you abandon
yourself.
When, all of a sudden, you pickup the stick and start beating
yourself up oh you dummy, whatare you thinking?
What's wrong with you?
Your brain must be broken now.
That's, that's like abuse.
(44:03):
And when we abuse ourselves,when we're critical of ourselves
, what we in essence are doingis abandoning ourselves.
We're abandoning that littlechild that is just looking for
someone to say you know what.
You're going to be okay,everything's fine, nothing bad
happened, nobody died.
There were typos in the email.
So I'm always looking now atplaces where I'm abandoning
(44:25):
myself or where I've abandonedmyself in the past.
Right, because I was taughtthat being hard on myself was
the way towards perfectionism,was the way towards excellence.
But every time I beat myself up, I actually reinforce that
story of I'm not good enough.
Self up, I actually reinforcethat story of I'm not good
enough, and that's selfabandonment, that's abuse.
(44:49):
And when we can stop that, soagain coming back to that love
and compassion and parentingourselves, that's when we really
start to shine in the world.
That's when you really start torealize what matters and what
doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (45:00):
I want to circle back to something you said earlier
about your wall.
You said it's my responsibilityto not let my wall keep people
from connecting with me.
My responsibility and itreminds me of another saying
that you have responsibility forthe energy you bring to the
room.
Might have been Oprah Winfrey.
It's something I think aboutvery consciously when I walk
(45:22):
into a room as an introvert, asa quieter person who likes
observing first before I talk,and I do take the initiative to
introduce myself, and I'm alsovery conscious that it's the
energy.
I'm responsible for that and Ican decide what kind.
You know what level I'm goingto project today and, like you,
(45:45):
I also set myself somethingthat's really achievable.
So I'm not going to work theroom and I'm going to keep
repeating my you know 30 secondpitch.
I just don't feel that's theway to connect for me.
But I love going up to oneperson and having a really great
conversation and justdisplaying a lot of curiosity,
(46:05):
asking a lot of questions andjust focusing on that one person
.
Speaker 2 (46:09):
I love that so much.
That's what I do as well.
And just a tip to all theintroverts listening the best
people are on the outside of theroom because the extroverts are
all in the center of the roomtrying to talk over each other.
So all you need to do is lookfor the people who are lingering
by the water station or theback walls, who look a little
bit like awkward anduncomfortable.
(46:30):
And that's that energy part,right Like you get to lead with
that soft and beautiful energyand approach somebody.
So we're always responsible forthe energy that we bring into
the room.
You've probably heard me sayyou know you draw the circle
outside of your feet andeverything inside that circle.
You get to be responsible foreverything outside of the circle
(46:51):
you can't be responsible for.
So you cannot be responsiblefor how somebody else receives
your energy, but you can beresponsible for the energy and
the intention that you bringinto the room.
So you know, knowing all thesepieces that were on my wall,
it's my responsibility to notlet those things to not lead
(47:13):
with the energy that was in thatwall.
And to be honest, I don't evenremember all the things that
were in that wall.
I I should dig out the piece ofpaper.
But there were a lot of things,including, like you know,
beliefs I had about money I doremember that yeah, anger
control, there were all thesedifferent things.
(47:34):
So I don't want to bring thoseinto a room with me.
I want to be able to.
You know, my goal is alwayswhen I'm interacting with
someone I want them to feelcomfortable, I want them to feel
safe.
I want them to feel yeah, Iwant them to feel safe that they
can open up, which is oftenwhat happens with me.
(47:55):
You know, it's not uncommon forpeople to get into a
conversation with me and end upin tears, and I love that.
I love that my energy creates asafe space, that people trust
that they can be vulnerable withme and that they'll be held in
that.
That's really important to me.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
Thank you.
One final question about yourwork as host of the Full Frontal
Living podcast.
Tell me, tell me, why FullFrontal Living?
Because when I first heard thetitle I was like, oh wow, let me
take a step back.
It sounds very yeah at the fullthat's a bold title.
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Yes, the reason that I call it Full Frontal Living is
because, as you start to dothis work around knowing
yourself better and strippingdown all these behaviors that
you're getting into fromperfectionism, control, allowing
yourself to feel your emotionsright, allowing yourself to be
(48:53):
with the insecurities, with theparts of you that don't feel
good enough, you can feel very,very fragile.
There's a reason why we getinto coping mechanisms.
There's a reason why peopleover drink to doom scroll, get
into drugs, get into pleasing,like all of these behaviors.
There's a reason why we do itright we're trying to protect
(49:14):
ourselves and as we strip awaythese layers and we take off
these masks of who we thought wewere, it can feel like you are
standing naked in a snowstorm infront of thousands of people.
So that's why it's called fullfrontal living, because it
(49:42):
really is the courage range thatis available to us as humans,
and it's not easy.
That's why not everybody doesthis work.
Speaker 1 (49:56):
What is the best place for people to find out
more about your work?
Speaker 2 (50:01):
That is a great question.
Well, they can subscribe to theFull Frontal Living podcast.
We actually haven't put out anynew episodes for a while.
We've been repurposing in thename of not being perfect.
It took a couple months off andwe've got like 300 plus
episodes.
I'm like there's got to be somegood, good stuff in there.
So listening to the podcast isgreat.
I hang out mostly on Instagram.
(50:21):
I really love doing Instagramstories so I quite often put out
Instagram stories so they canfind me at Lisa Carpenter Inc or
just over on my website atlisacarpenterca.
We've got lots of differentoptions and opportunities,
including a private podcast thatpeople can subscribe to, and we
got some cool stuff comingcoming down the pipe.
Speaker 1 (50:41):
Exciting.
What is one final piece ofadvice or insight that you want
to share with our introverts andour quiet achievers and our
highly sensitive people?
Speaker 2 (50:54):
Be true to who you are, but don't allow the labels
that you're telling yourselfabout yourself become stories
that prohibit you from creating.
The labels that you're tellingyourself about yourself become
stories that prohibit you fromcreating the life that you want,
Because I believe that a lot ofintroverts and quiet people use
that as their shield as to whythey can't achieve great things
(51:15):
in this world.
And you know, I am not anextrovert and I've achieved
great things in this world.
You know I am not an extrovertand I've achieved great things
in this world.
You just have to embrace whoyou are and have the courage to
challenge yourself to be morethan you think of what you're
capable of being.
Hopefully that makes sense.
(51:37):
It's be who you are and alwayschallenge the parts of your
identity that you are attachedto, because they can often
become limiting factors.
I love that yeah.
So, even as an athlete this pastyear and then we can wrap up I
(51:57):
decided to take this year totravel the world because, you
know, a variety of thingshappened in my life and that
required me to release theattachment to being an athlete.
So I'm always going to be anathlete, but it had to look very
different this year and I couldnot have had the year that I
had if I had stayed attached tothat identity.
(52:20):
So it's a part of me, right,but we always have to be
challenging the things thatwe're attached to so that they
don't limit us.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
You said something there about recognizing the
labels but not letting thelabels become your identity.
So your identity is alwayssomething bigger than words can
articulate.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Yeah, you know, like being an athlete had become such
a big part of me.
I didn't know who I was if Iwasn't an athlete.
And there are so many moreinteresting things about me than
just being an athlete, right,but the more I attach to that,
the more energy I pour into that, the more I limit myself from
(53:10):
exploring.
Well, what if I'm also anexplorer?
What if I'm also an adventurer?
What if I'm also a live on theedger?
What does it feel like to notexercise or go to the gym and
lift weights for a month?
Right, if I had been reallyattached to that identity, I
would have been having anxietyattacks that I couldn't train.
But because I was just like,we're just going to put this
(53:32):
down for a while, we're going totry on this different thing
over here, it really opened meup to a lot of things.
So, you know, am I back at homenow and back kind of in that
athlete mindset again?
Yes, but even now I'm nowrefining it and tweaking it,
because the how I want toidentify as an athlete now looks
very different than it did in2020.
(53:53):
And that's really cool too.
So just a reminder thateverything, everything is always
up for change andtransformation.
Nothing is permanent unless youfight really hard to stay
attached to it.
Speaker 1 (54:11):
Beautiful and, on that very light and liberating
note, thank you very much, lisaCarpenter, for joining us today
on the Quiet Warrior podcast.
Make sure you check out Lisa'swork at her website as well as
at her podcast.
All the links will be in theshow notes and if you've enjoyed
this episode, make sure youlike and subscribe as well and
stay tuned for the next episode.
(54:33):
I'm so grateful that you'rehere today.
If you found this contentvaluable, please share it on
your social media channels andsubscribe to the show on your
favorite listening platform.
Together, we can help moreintroverts thrive.
To receive more upliftingcontent like this, connect with
me on Instagram at Serena LoQuiet Warrior Coach.
(54:55):
Thank you for sharing your timeand your energy with me.
See you on the next episode.
Hi, I'm Serena Loh.
If you're used to hearing thatintroverts are shy, anxious,
antisocial and lack goodcommunication and leadership
skills, then this podcast is foryou.
You're about to fall in lovewith the calm, introspective and
profound person that you are.
Discover what's fun, unique andpowerful about being an
(00:22):
introvert, and how to make theelegant transition from quiet
achiever to quiet warrior inyour life and work anytime you
want, in more ways than youimagined possible.
Welcome, welcome to anotherepisode of the Quiet Warrior
podcast.
Today I have with me LisaCarpenter, who is a master coach
(00:45):
, a board-certified hypnotist,an author, a speaker, a
professional athlete and host ofthe Full Frontal Living podcast
.
Welcome, lisa.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Thank you so much for having me, Serena.
I'm really looking forward tothis conversation and serving
your community powerfully.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Thank you so much, Lisa.
The first thing I'm reallycurious about is your journey as
a professional athlete.
I was following you for alittle while in your
bodybuilding journey.
Looking at your photos.
Tell me what makes you, whatmakes anyone decide to take on
something so different from whatthey normally do, to decide to
(01:25):
become a professional athlete,to do all that work you know,
and that requires you,particularly in bodybuilding and
taking part in competitions, toput yourself out there in a
very different way.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
That's a really great question and, to be honest, I
think I've been an athlete myentire life.
So I just turned 52 the otherday and you know, when I started
going to the gym was after Igraduated high school and I was
one of, like the token women inthe gym.
There were no other women inthe gym back then.
(01:59):
I was like an anomaly, anomaly.
And now I mean it's so excitingfor me to walk into any gym or
any community center and there'ssuch diversity in people who
are lifting weights now andspecifically women.
You know, I see women in thesquat rack now on the regular,
(02:19):
whereas for a long time it waslike the little pink two pound
dumbbells and the.
You know women were focused alot on aerobic training.
So women have really gotteninto weight training over the
years.
So, but for me personally, Ithink I've always I've always
been an athlete.
I grew up as a dancer and takingreally good care of my physical
body.
I'm a very kinesthetic person.
I love the challenge that camewith weight training.
(02:39):
I loved the, I loved how Icould change my body.
I loved how I could get really,really strong.
And just for your listeners, youknow, because when people think
of bodybuilding, they oftenthink of people like, you know,
arnold Schwarzenegger, or womenwho look like men.
I do not look like a man.
I could lift like crazy heavyweights and I'm never going to
(03:02):
be shaped like that.
I'm always going to be veryfeminine because I'm a natural
athlete.
I'm only five foot one on stage.
I'm under a hundred pounds.
So when we're talkingbodybuilding like, I am
miniature.
I am miniature.
So part of this is likebreaking down the stigma around
what bodybuilding actually isand you know how it relates to
(03:24):
my business.
And this kind of you know,athlete mindset is everything
that I am capable of doing inthe gym is 100% transferable in
my business.
Because lifting weights if youare truly going for
transformation in the gym,you're going to have to be
pushing yourself hard.
You're going to have to dothings that you don't
(03:45):
necessarily want to do.
You're going to have to pick upthe weights that maybe you
don't think you're going to beable to move.
Or, you know, do an exercisethat you don't particularly love
, but it's going to lead youtowards the results that you
want to get for yourself.
So, you know, for a lot ofyears in my business, like I
(04:09):
said, I've been, you know,weight training in the gym for
years and years, and years, andit's always been something that
I've come back to.
And when my first two boys werereally young, that's when I
started competing, and then thesport of bodybuilding and
fitness.
It is, in itself, a job,because when you are dialed in
to get ready to go on stage, youhave to be a hundred percent
committed to that end goal.
(04:31):
They're not going to push offthe show If you're not ready.
You have to be ready.
So you've got to do the thingsthat you don't necessarily want
to do the cardio, the weighttraining, all the things that go
with it.
So I did that for quite a fewyears, had a lot of success in
it.
Then my kids were young.
I wanted to start growing mybusiness.
So I kind of retired from thesport and went all in on my
business.
(04:51):
But what happened for me in 20,gosh, I think in 2018, I decided
, after years of being in mybusiness and my business taking,
like all my time, all my energy, all my effort, one of my
coaches suggested that.
You know I put my focus back onthe sport that I loved.
So, even though I was stilltraining in the gym.
(05:15):
There's a difference betweentraining versus being a
competitive athlete and training.
So I went back to being acompetitive athlete and what was
truly fascinating for me wasagain that that alignment of
what was happening in the gymwere direct lessons as to what I
could be doing in my business.
(05:36):
Sit down at my desk and I'd belike am I actually showing up
the same way in my business thatI am in the gym?
Am I willing to do hard thingsthere, but what things am I
avoiding in my business?
So it really changed how Iapproached growing my business
(06:00):
once I got back into being acompetitive athlete.
So and as I've said to youbefore, we went live, in my
opinion, most entrepreneurs,ceos, they are actually athletes
.
They may not see it that way,and the reason that I say that
is in order to be a competitiveathlete or a pro athlete or even
(06:22):
a weekend warrior, it does comewith a certain level of
commitment to the outcomes thatyou want to create.
You have to take great care ofyourself.
Rest needs to be a priority.
So it's great what I do in thegym, but that's only effective
if I'm making sure that I'mresting when I'm not training
(06:42):
and that I'm fueling my bodyproperly, that I'm getting in
the right nutrition, that I'mstaying hydrated, that I'm
taking divine care of myself,and then I'm really treating my
body with a lot of love andreverence and as entrepreneurs.
Entrepreneurs are often workinglong hours, they're pushing
themselves really hard, but thenthey're treating their physical
wellbeing like an afterthoughtand then they're wondering why
(07:06):
they can't perform their best asthey're growing their business.
So they're showing up to leadother people and, uh, you know,
as as an athlete and as aprofessional athlete, I need to
be able to perform at my bestevery single time I go into the
gym.
It doesn't mean that I'm alwaysgoing to right, but that is the
goal that I come in and I'mable to perform my best.
That relies on a lot of factorsoutside of the gym, and the
(07:30):
same is true for allentrepreneurs and CEOs.
How you're going to show up andperform and lead your team and
lead your business and createthe results that you want are
going to be correlated with howwell you take care of yourself,
because if you burn yourselfinto the ground, you're not
going to be able to show up foryour business.
You're just not going to getthe same results.
(07:52):
So this is why, you know, Ireally am passionate about
allowing people to explore theirperspective of an athlete.
You know, the other thing thatathletes do is we're always
visualizing our success.
You know, I walked out on thatstage a million times in my mind
(08:12):
before I ever walked out on thestage in real life, and the
same is true in our businesses.
It's casting the spells that wewant to create for the future.
Are we willing to spend time invisualization, in holding on to
those dreams?
You know we talk a lot aboutworking from point B versus
(08:35):
working to point B, right?
So if I'm already on the stage,if I'm standing up there and I'm
winning my pro status, how do Ineed to show up today in order
to make that happen?
That's a completely differentmindset than I hope I get to
that goal over there.
It's the difference between,like that goal is actually a
done deal.
(08:55):
What do I need to do today toensure that?
Versus like kind of hoping,like holding that vision out
there but not really beingcommitted to the outcome you
want.
That's the way I look at it.
So that was a lot in thatanswer for you about athlete and
athlete mindset, but I thinkthat so many people would
benefit from seeing themselvesthrough that lens, especially if
(09:19):
they are in leadership roles.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
That was a lot in an answer and that's going to lead
to a lot of questions.
So I can imagine one of thequestions people would have
would be what does working frompoint B mean?
Because you know, in ourconversation we might understand
the difference between workingto point B and working from
point B, but for somebody who islistening to this and new to
(09:43):
these kinds of concepts andhearing this for the first time,
they might be a bit puzzled asto what do you mean?
Because we always think point Bis something out there.
It's not me yet, it's future me.
So there is still a gap, thereis still a distance that I have
to travel.
I have to do things to gettowards point B and each day I
take these micro steps or maybesome massive action and
(10:05):
eventually I get to point B.
But what you just said therewas you're working from point B
and point B is already a donedeal.
How does one get into that kindof a mindset?
Speaker 2 (10:17):
It's.
You know, a large part of it,as I said, is understanding that
point B has already happened,is understanding that point B
has already happened.
So it's acting as if if I wasalready in this position, if I
already had the success, if I've, what does my life look like?
I'm already there and thenlooking at what are the
decisions that I made in orderto get me there.
(10:39):
So you know, for me to stand upon stage stage, you know, in a
lineup of other professionalathletes, I have to believe that
I can hold my own against thoseother professional athletes.
I have to see myself in thatlineup with those other women
looking absolutely fabulous and,you know, standing in my power
(11:01):
there, and that's a big part ofit.
So, working from point B, it'slike if it's already done.
What are the decisions thatyou're going to make today that
support that?
So you know, if I'm on stage,standing there with those other
pro women, I am not going tonegotiate with myself about the
(11:21):
things that I need to do in myday my cardio, my weight
training, whatever it may be,the food that I need to eat and
pack.
I'm not going to negotiate onthose things, because to have
that identity of that person inthat vision.
These are the things that haveto happen today, and I think,
when we're trying to worktowards a goal versus working
(11:42):
from the goal we often negotiatewith ourselves, we find reasons
, excuses, fears, whereas ifyou're already there in your
mind, you're going to show up ina very different mindset.
So I think that that's thebiggest difference for me.
It just it helps to dictate thecommitment and the
(12:04):
non-negotiables that have tohappen in order to create the
outcome that I've already seenin my mind.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
That makes a lot of sense.
You're not going to negotiatewith yourself, so you don't make
excuses and you don't let yourfears dictate your actions.
So those things are immovable.
Those are your steadfast, youranchors, the things that you
need to do.
The other question I would haveis you said something about
casting the spells we want forthe future, and that reminds me
(12:34):
of how easily, as children, wewould cast spells.
We read about what magicianscan do, what fairies can do, and
we believed it can do whatfairies can do and we believed
it.
So why is it, as an adult, itis so hard to believe that we
can succeed, we can do thisspectacular thing, this pull up
this project, become thisamazing, successful entrepreneur
(12:54):
, the CEO, the professional atwork.
Why is it such a hard thing foran adult to cast those same
spells?
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Isn't it interesting that something that's celebrated
when we're children, right,that ability to be in our
imagination and live in awe andwonder but as we get older we're
told to grow up and show up andbe realistic, and that we don't
get to have those dreamsanymore?
And what's happening really isother people are projecting
(13:23):
their limitations onto us,because the truth is, you can
pretty much have anything youwant if you're willing to put in
the time, the effort, theenergy, sometimes the financial
resources, and hold on to thatvision.
I don't know if you saw thisSpaceX with Elon Musk like
(13:44):
threading the needle of thatrocket coming back down to Earth
.
I don't know if anybody haswatched this, but I mean it is
absolutely mind blowing thatthey send this rocket up and
then they bring it down and theyliterally land it in what looks
like a pinhole.
And that happened because ElonMusk whether you like him or
(14:04):
hate him doesn't really matter,it's irrelevant was willing to
hold on to his vision and he wascast out by all the American
astronauts like you can't, youknow you're breaking tradition
but he held on to the vision ofwhat he saw and what he wanted
as an innovator and he waswilling to stay in that place of
wild curiosity and wonder.
(14:24):
And what if this is possible?
And it takes a lot of courageto stand in that energy when
most of the world is coming atyou with their limitations.
And you should work your nineto five and you should play it
safe.
And do you think you're beingsmart about this?
And you went to school for this.
Why would you want to give thisup to do this thing?
(14:45):
But the most successful peopleI know are the ones who had the
courage to say I'm going to bemisunderstood, and that's okay,
because my visions and my dreamsare so important to me.
And you know, even if theydon't hit that specific goal
they're going for.
Even if they don't hit thatspecific goal they're going for.
(15:07):
You're still going to learn alot along the journey, right?
My first attempt at my pro show.
I didn't even place, but Istill felt like a winner being
up on that stage, right, itstill expanded me into what else
is possible.
So I would rather live with thedreamers and the delusional
thinkers who know what'spossible, because it truly is
the only things.
(15:27):
We're really limited is by ourmind and just look at your life
and see the things that you'vealready created, because
everything around you in someway shape or form, you've
created that from your thoughts,from your beliefs, like your
life is a reflection of what youbelieve on the inside, and the
more you continue to expand intowhat's possible for you I mean,
(15:49):
I don't know about you, but Ican find lists in my journals of
things that I wanted to createin this world that I'm like, wow
, that happened.
They didn't always happen in theway that I would have requested
that they happen, but you know,from the car I drive to the
house that I live in, there's somany things that I would have
requested that they happen.
But you know, from the car Idrive to the house that I live
in, there's so many things thatI've created in my world that
(16:10):
was once this like beyond mywildest dreams.
So and I'm not, you know, I'mnot some special unicorn, I
didn't get given an extra giftthat nobody else got I have just
chosen to hold on to my dreamstighter than to the limitations
that are being, you know, tryingto be sold to me by other
(16:32):
people who are caught in theirown limitations.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
What I'm hearing is it's not a black and white thing
, you don't have to be this orthat.
It's more what you just saidthere Hold on tighter to your
dreams than your limitations, soacknowledging that you still
have limitations, that sometimesthat inner critic is going to
tell you you can't do this.
Is that a good idea?
This is not safe at all, and soon.
But then you are lettingsomething else be louder and
(16:59):
something else prevail.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
You know, I think something that people often
believe is that you have to berid of fear and doubt to take
the next step, and never oncehave I done anything where fear
and doubt weren't standingsteadfast at my side.
I've just learned to kind ofembrace them and be with them,
versus allowing them to hold meback.
Now there are some things,definitely, that I can look back
on and say, wow, that took me along time to move past that
(17:30):
fear and it'll take as long asit.
It'll take as long as it takes,but a big part of it is
acknowledging that, oh, fear anddoubt are part of this game
that I'm playing and they'rehere because they're trying to
protect me.
Right, they're just parts of methat want to make sure that I'm
safe, that want to make surethat I'm loved, that want to
make sure that I'm going tobelong in this world.
(17:50):
They are trying to do their job.
But the wiser part of me, right, that inner knowing part of me,
has to be able to kind ofcorral them.
Wrap, you know, wrap my armsaround fear and doubt and say
like we're going to be OKregardless of what happens on
the other side of this win orlose, succeed or fail, I don't
(18:12):
know.
I kind of look at everything asa win.
But we're going to be OK, andthat's a big part of emotional
resilience is knowing that,however things turn out, you are
going to be okay.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
That takes an enormous amount of self-trust
Trust in life, trust in theprocess, trust in the magic that
, even when we can't see, westill know that it's going to be
okay.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Yeah, but I would challenge any of your listeners
to ask themselves like do theyhave any evidence that they
can't trust themselves?
Right?
So when we're looking at atself-trust, we can get into the
wheat Like I don't know if I cantrust myself.
Well, do you know that youcan't?
Do you get out of bed everymorning?
Do you feed yourself every day?
Do you brush your teeth everyday?
Are you raising children?
Because if you are raisingchildren, the amount of
(19:01):
self-trust that takes, becausethat doesn't come with a manual.
So when you actually set backand ask yourself that question
from a different perspective,you will often find that you
have more than enough evidencethat you can always trust
yourself and that you've alwayshad your own back.
And it's a story that we wantto tell ourselves that we can't
trust ourselves.
And listen, things happen inlife that will make that you
(19:24):
know self-confidence and thatself-trust be wobbly.
I've definitely experiencedthem.
But I ultimately still comeback to the place of Lisa.
Are you still standing?
If you're still standing, thenthere really is no evidence that
you can't not trust yourself.
So how about we just put onefoot in front of the other,
(19:49):
right?
Like you know, I talk a lotabout these parts.
You know fear and doubt, but wealso have this like part of us
that we can pull forward.
That is that steadfast parentalfigure.
And maybe you didn't have thisgrowing up in your life I know a
lot of us didn't.
But can we cultivate that innerparent that can say like I'm
here for you, I'm never going toleave your side, I've got you
(20:10):
Right?
You can kind of like it canlink arms with the fear and the
doubt.
Pretty soon you'll have like 15characters like that movie
inside out, right, all thecharacters.
But we can cultivate thesepieces of ourselves, these parts
of ourselves that will help usmove forward.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
And you know, learning how to parent, learning
how to parent yourself, is abig part of self-trust, I love
that, because I'm on a similarjourney, with that parenting and
also healing of the inner childand being all the things that
we needed when we were that age,that little age when we were
(20:45):
defenseless, powerless, wedidn't have the words, the
vocabulary, the ability to standup for ourselves, and perhaps
it is that we are projecting outof that same five-year-olds
fears and insecurities, andthat's the part that's shouting
really loudly.
So I love what you said, thatabout making fear and doubt
recognizing that's the partthat's shouting really loudly.
So I love what you said, thatabout making fear and doubt
recognizing that they are partof the game, part of your
(21:07):
journey, not pushing them away,not trying to use those fierce,
aggressive kind of language,like you know overcome,
eliminate as though they are theenemy.
They are not the enemy and likeyou said they, they are here to
keep us safe, so they actuallyhave a protective function.
They actually are on our side.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
They are and you know I think so many of us would be
served to step back when we talkabout you know, because inner
child healing has become quitepopular and I think it's
important to talk about it alittle bit because you know so
many of the men and women I workwith and literally I can go out
into the world and look atanybody.
We are all like childrenwalking around in adult bodies.
(21:49):
We are all wounded childrenwalking around in adult bodies
and quite often the it's thefive-year-old or the
eight-year-old part of us thatis making decisions in our lives
.
Yet you would never turn toyour eight-year-old and say you
know, should we go play intraffic today, like you would
never hand over big lifedecisions to your eight-year-old
(22:09):
.
Yet we're allowing that innereight-year-old or five-year-old
to play that role in our lifewithout even recognizing it.
And for many of us, you know, Ithink it's a generational thing
.
With every generation I thinkwe're getting better as parents,
even though, you know, our kidsare still going to have stuff
they need to work out.
So many of us didn't get what weneeded from our parents and one
(22:34):
of the things that was said tome by, you know, one of my
coaches was, you know, lisa,trauma and I'm talking like
little t trauma isn'tnecessarily about things that
happen to us, but it's aboutthings that we didn't receive as
children.
We didn't receive that feelingof safety or our love or
(22:54):
belonging.
We will start to develop copingmechanisms and that's what kind
of, you know, guide us throughour life.
So those coping mechanisms arebased on that child who took in
the information without anydiscernment of knowing what was
right or wrong, just based onwhat was happening.
And now that's the part that'sleading us around as adults.
(23:15):
So, learning how to parentthose parts of us, learning how
to be better, question askers oflike where's this coming from?
Or if I didn't feel this way,what kind of decision would I
make?
And is this fear, is this adult, me believing that this is
scary?
Or is this the child in me thatis fearful?
(23:37):
Something is going to happen?
And if it's more the child partof me, how can I parent that
part of me?
How can I parent that fear anddoubt and continue to move
forward?
I mean, I make it sound simple,but it's not.
It's complicated, it's messy,it's layered, it involves a
tremendous amount ofself-compassion, which so many
(23:58):
of us really struggle with beingkind and compassionate to
ourselves.
We're super good at thattowards other people, but we
really struggle at turning thatinside as well.
And you know, just circlingback to the athlete, you have to
be compassionate with yourselfas an athlete because you have
to know when to stop, you haveto know when to rest, you have
(24:19):
to know when you're injured andact accordingly right, so
continuing to push yourself willcompletely take you out of the
game.
So finding that balance ofcompassion and being that wise
parent, that's like.
You've got this, you can go dothis thing.
Both can exist at the same time.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
What if someone were to say that, because they didn't
receive that kind of nurturing,they have no clue how to be
that kind of a parent tothemselves?
Where would they start?
Speaker 2 (24:52):
I love that because this is part of what I've been
having to learn around my ownjourney as a parent, learn
around my own journey as aparent.
So I've been very open that Ireally have struggled struggled
as a parent when my kids wereyounger I much prefer older
children and it's because I'mrealizing that there were
certain things that weren'tmodeled to me.
(25:12):
And that's not to throw myparents under the bus, I'm not
blaming them.
They were doing the best theycould.
I think my mom was like 23 whenshe had me and I'm like, oh my
God, that's like a child, childhaving a child when I think
about it.
So you know, I've had to have alot of conversations with
coaches and colleagues that Itrust I've had to look.
(25:33):
So when something isn't modeledto you, it's having the courage
to look at, look in otherplaces where it is being modeled
.
Who do you know that shows thattype of uh, parenting ability?
Who do you know who's able toshow up with more compassion?
So surround yourself withpeople who are able to model the
(25:55):
behaviors that you're wantingto learn.
And this, this applies toeverything you know.
As you probably know, I used towork from a place of a lot of
lack and limitation.
This was, you know, versionLisa, 20 years ago, and I
started to have to ask myselfwell, how would a person who
truly felt wealthy and abundantall the time, how would they
(26:19):
show up?
Because I'm pretty sure theywouldn't be having a freak out
every time they received a billin the mail.
So, again, coming back to thatpoint B, right, who can I look
at that is already embodyingthis kind of identity of wealth
and abundance, and how wouldthey make decisions?
Right, it's no different thansaying who do I know that
(26:40):
embodies this like amazingability to parent and lead their
, their children, and then beingable to model that, you know.
So I, I channeled, like RichardBranson this was back in the
day, you know his Island gotdevastated by a hurricane and he
was like, okay, we just rebuildit.
I was like, whoa, we justrebuild, because that's that's
(27:01):
the identity he was working from.
So, yeah, it's, it's.
Who do you know that does modelthat?
How can you be curious abouthow you can be showing up
differently?
What kind of identity do youwant to start to step into?
So, even with you know, I knowyou talk to a lot of quiet, more
(27:22):
introverted people and I've got.
You know, I do believe inintroversion and extroversion
difference in terms of how wefill our buckets.
But I also think that so manypeople use introversion as a
reason to not put themselves outthere and as an introvert
myself, which means I need timealone to refill my bucket, but
(27:42):
that doesn't mean I'm notcapable capable of peopling.
But I started to think well, Idon't want to be an extrovert,
but what?
Who am I surrounded by?
Who does have more of thoseextroverted qualities and how do
they show up in the world?
Can I have a little bit of thatLike?
Am I capable of having a littlebit of that?
(28:02):
And it became this like, actingas if so, it didn't feel normal
or natural, and some of thenurturing things that I'm
practicing with my kids nowdon't necessarily feel normal or
natural and I'm capable ofchange and transformation, I'm
capable of new habits and newways of being.
So you know, I would go to, youknow these networking things and
(28:23):
I would just be like, okay, I'mgoing to talk to like one
person and be, be a hundredpercent me and not be coward in
the corner.
So, again, I'm not interestedin working the room, I don't
want to become an extrovert, buthow can I embody some of the
things that I really admire andappreciate about people who are
extroverted, right Like they putthemselves out there?
So, and same thing with myparenting.
(28:46):
When I go away, how about justevery day, I send my kids a
message to say I'm thinking ofyou, because that feels very
foreign for me.
I'm happy to just likedisconnect and be gone, but I'm
learning like, oh, this is whatit means to connect in a
different way to your kids.
So I've still got lots oflessons that I'm learning as
(29:07):
well.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
I love that.
I love the acknowledgement thatthis parenting thing is, in a
sense, a marathon.
It's a journey and it's as weare changing ourselves and
evolving and growing.
Our relationships also grow andour children are also receiving
a different kind of rolemodeling that maybe we didn't
have when we were growing up.
But we're able to modeldifferently Because, as you say,
(29:30):
we go looking for thosepositive role models and we
learn from them.
And you said I'm capable ofchange and transformation.
So therefore I'm not lockedinto my labels.
I may be this, I may be that,and I acknowledge that I have
these traits and thesepreferences in communication
style, but it doesn't mean thatI cannot also be flexible and
(29:51):
learn to communicate differentlyif I'm in a different context.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
It's beautiful.
That's really like you're very,very good at gathering
everything I said and then justputting it into this beautiful
little nutshell.
I love that.
That's a real gift.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
So we've talked about the athlete's mindset, we
talked about leadership andabout introverts.
Talk to me about perfectionism.
I imagine that, as an athleteand as professional athlete as
well as a master coach andeverything else that you do that
element of perfectionism wouldbe there.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Well, I think we need to talk about perfectionism for
what it is, which is justanother coping mechanism to hide
the parts of you that don'tfeel like they're good enough.
To hide the parts of you thatdon't feel like they're good
enough.
So if I'm perfect enough, if Ido everything right, then I
won't ever have to feeldisappointed, let down, hurt.
(30:49):
You know, you name your emotionbut the whole idea of
perfectionism is grounded inabsolute control, like if I can
make everything look and be acertain way, then I will be okay
.
But the problem with that isthat you're never really okay,
because how do you ever measureperfect?
(31:09):
What's perfect enough?
So, if we're talking about thesport of bodybuilding, I mean
you line up 20 women that areliterally flawless and then
we're all judged against eachother.
It's completely subjective,based on what the judges are
looking for.
I could be what I consider themost perfect version of myself,
(31:31):
but the whole sport ofbodybuilding is the fact that
you can constantly be changingyour body.
So perfect is this illusionthat often people are chasing,
because then, if they reachperfect, then again, then
they'll feel good enough.
But there is actually nomeasure of perfect.
So it's like being, you know,as one of my mentors says, it's
(31:52):
like being stuck in the roundroom trying to find a corner.
There's no corner.
There is no perfect.
No corner, there is no perfect.
So perfectionism in my own life, it used to be the thing that,
um, you know, I didn't realizethat I was using it as a coping
mechanism and and, uh, I didn'teven really know what it was.
(32:13):
And I remember being in atherapy group learning about, uh
, different process addictions,which perfectionism is a process
addiction, right?
So they're behavior addictionsthat are meant to numb out
things we're feeling.
And she'd given me thisexercise.
It was called the wall, and theexercise was to go home and to
(32:37):
write out all the things thatyou thought were blocking you
from connection with yourselfand connection with others.
I was like I got this.
So I went to the store, Ibought myself colored, you know,
pencil, crayons.
I had my sheet of paper and Ispent all night putting blocks
in my wall and then coloringthem in to make them nice and
(32:59):
pretty, and then coloring themin to make them nice and pretty,
and then the next day we had togo back to therapy and we all
had to open up our wall in frontof us and show the class.
And I was like I'm going tocrush this.
And I got crushed because Iopened up my wall, thinking like
I've nailed this.
There's not a single brick onhere.
(33:21):
She's not going to catch mewith anything that I don't
already know about myself.
And I opened up my wall and sheleaned over and she looked at it
and she's like what do you guysnotice about Lisa's wall?
And I was like what do you mean?
What do you notice about mywall?
She's like oh, it's very pretty, isn't it?
It's very perfect, isn't it?
And I immediately got defensiveand went into arguing which is
(33:45):
a red flag for me because I knowsomething's been triggered when
I start to push back.
And she circled my whole wallin red pen and wrote
perfectionism and she nailed me.
She nailed me right Because inmy attempt to get it right, I
was like well, if I am perfect,then I'm not going to feel this
way.
(34:05):
And she cut right through thatand I've never forgotten it.
This was more than a decade agoand it stayed with me because I
realized that I had a choice,that I was often using my
appearance, how I presentedmyself, because I can look like
a Barbie doll, like, hands downmy little convertible, my blonde
(34:27):
hair.
I can look like a Barbie doll.
It is my responsibility to notuse my appearance or anything to
block people from connectingwith me or for me, connecting
with myself.
So I am always gonna be thefirst to walk up to somebody,
even being an introvert, tointroduce myself, because I know
that people can often feelintimidated by me and that used
(34:51):
to be by design, right, like ifI look a certain way, people
won't approach me and if theydon't talk to me, then they'll
never figure out that I'm soinsecure.
You know my work.
I can show you the first coursethat I built online and
everything had to be just sowith it.
And now I look at the courseand I'm like, oh my gosh, I look
like a robot because I wastrying so hard for it to be
(35:11):
perfect and professional in theright fonts.
I mean, I used to get caught upin fonts and colors and stuff
that nobody cares about, and thefreedom that I now have on the
other side of no longer tryingto be perfect is I can shoot
video walking out of the gymwith my hair on top of my head
and no makeup on, I don't care,right, if you look at my
(35:34):
Instagram feed, it is a hot messand it is real, you know, it
just doesn't matter.
So you know, perfectionism somany people get caught up in it
and they don't even realize thatthey're caught in it.
They don't even recognize thatthey don't have to live this way
.
Yeah, so there's just.
(35:55):
You know, I know I said a lotin there, but it really is about
not having to feel a certainway and a lot of times, for a
lot of people, it's aboutavoiding judgment.
Right, if they can look acertain way and be a certain way
and things are a certain way,then other people won't judge
them.
And, as I shared in my wall,like I was still judged, I did
everything perfectly and I wasstill judged.
(36:16):
She nailed me.
So there's my thoughts onperfectionism.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
So you said perfectionism is an illusion,
it's completely subjective.
And that reminds me, becauseI've got a younger daughter
going through the VCE right now,which is like the equivalent of
the last year of high school.
You have exams and then thatdetermines whether you get into
university, and it's measurednot based on your results per se
but as your results compared toeverybody else's.
(36:44):
And so I saw that parallelthere that it doesn't matter
actually how well or how badlyyou're doing.
It also matters what otherpeople are doing.
So if everybody else is doingreally badly, you come out
looking really good, but ifeverybody else is much better
than you are, then you come outmaybe just above average.
So the whole thing is moving allthe time, and so when we get
(37:07):
too emotionally attached and, asyou say, it's a coping
mechanism which means then itmight go back to where is this
coming from?
You know, maybe when I was 10,someone said really harsh, and
I've internalized that.
I've made it a story, I've madeit part of my identity that I'm
not good enough unless I do allthese things.
(37:27):
Therefore I have to be perfectand do all these things, and so
if we can exerciseself-compassion and also
recognize and go back and hugthat 10-year-old and reassure
them, reparent them with a lotmore kindness and grace and
maybe an assurance ofunconditional love that you know
, regardless of whether you camein first in class or you know,
(37:50):
you only got 90 and not 100,it's okay.
It doesn't affect who you are.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Yeah, I think it's important to like start paying
attention to where perfectionismis showing up for you.
Is it in you know, you havingto scour every detail, making
sure there's not a singlespelling mistake?
Is it in you know?
For me, I'd catch myself if Ihad to go do something, like I'd
be brushing my hair for 20minutes Nobody needs to brush
(38:15):
their hair for 20 minutes, right?
So I started to pick up onthese things, right?
Or if I was obsessing over afont or a PDF and I would sit
back and ask myself, like Lisa,what is actually going on for
you here?
Because it's not about the font, it's not about the hair, it's
not about any of this.
What part of you is not feelinggood enough right now?
(38:36):
What part of you is feelinginsecure or scared?
Part of you is feeling insecureor scared.
So, instead of trying to putyou know, cover it up with if
I'm just perfect, I won't haveto feel this it's actually
having the courage to lean inand ask myself, like, what is
really going on?
Like, like you would noticewith your children and say wait
(38:57):
a minute.
Like what's really going on foryou here, Because I noticed
these behaviors which are comingto the surface right now, which
I know means that there'ssomething more going on for you.
When we approach ourselves withmore curiosity and compassion,
that's when we find out, youknow, we discover deeper things
about ourselves and we're ableto start to let some of these
(39:20):
behaviors go or at least havethem soften back.
Because I think, you know,sometimes perfectionism can
still show up for me and thatthat line between perfectionism
and excellence, right redefiningthat, I do want to put out
excellent work that's importantto me, and really being curious
(39:40):
about what is that differencefor me, so that I don't get
caught in, you know, hours ofstuff that just doesn't matter
at the end of the day, becauseI'm afraid of somebody, how
somebody else is going to judgeme for my work or whatever and
you know how I've been learningabout the extent of my
(40:02):
perfectionism lately and that'sbecause I'm going through
perimenopause and it's affectedmy cognitive capacity quite
significantly.
Speaker 1 (40:12):
yeah, I understand that a lot and I've been that
person that was always verycareful with spelling, with
grammar, with you, the way Iwrite and all that and avoid
misunderstandings and so on.
And all of a sudden I'm seeingall these errors after I've
clicked send it.
Just, it was so hard to acceptRight.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Because it's so.
It became so much of youridentity that the details matter
and you know I've also gonethrough some cognitive decline
over the past couple of yearsfor a variety of reasons and
it's incredibly unsettling.
It's really hard when you can'tfind your thoughts or your words
(40:54):
, especially for the job that Ido.
Right, when I've got 1000s ofpeople in front of me and I'm
coaching whether it's one on oneor a group of people in front
of me and I'm coaching whetherit's one-on-one or a group and I
can't find the word or thememory that I want, that's
impactful and I've had to let itlike okay, this is going to be
a little bit messier than it wasbefore, but allowing myself to
be the version of me today andnot measure that versus the, you
(41:18):
know, younger version of me,who maybe was a little bit
sharper in some areas, I thinkI'm much wiser now.
But yeah, it really bumps upagainst your identity when you
start noticing things aboutyourself that you believed you
were able to control in the pastand then not making it mean
anything about you like nobodyreally cares if there's a
(41:39):
spelling mistake.
Nobody really cares if there'sa spelling mistake.
Nobody really cares if youmissed a word, but it's letting
that go within yourself andhaving compassion for yourself
around that.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Yes, hence your point about curiosity, and compassion
is so important.
I can get curious about whereis this coming from.
Oh, it's because of thesechanges that my body is going
through at the moment.
I acknowledge them, I acceptthat this is part of the process
of aging, and I can also becompassionate with myself.
And all right, today may be aday maybe not so much for heavy
(42:12):
research.
Let's see what else I feel likedoing today.
Maybe I need to do more drawing.
Maybe I need to go out for awalk.
That's right.
I'd be okay with that.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (42:22):
And drawing.
Maybe I need to go out for awalk, that's right.
I'd be okay with that, that'sright.
And you know when things arehappening to us.
You know acceptance is a bigpart of it, but you also don't
have to like something to acceptit, and I think that that's a
big part of you know aging as aswomen and everything in our
life right it's, it's beingwilling to accept things as they
are and also beingcompassionate around.
(42:43):
You know what I don't have tolike this, but the more I can
accept this, the more peace I'mgoing to bring into my life.
I promise you, serena, nobody'sgoing to be at your funeral and
be like well, you know what.
She sent 100 good emails, butthose last five, man, they
weren't very good.
Like nobody cares, right, thestuff that we get attached to,
that we give so much meaning to,nobody cares.
(43:05):
On the coaching calls where Ifelt like, wow, that was what
happened there, lisa, it'll be acall that somebody's like wow,
that was an amazing coachingcall and I'm sitting here on the
other side of the screen going,wow, I really had a hard time
trying to find my words there.
So, again, right, like there isno measuring stick for what is
(43:25):
perfect it's funny, it circlesback around to that self-trust
right.
Yes, having grown back is, inthose moments, not abandoning
yourself.
Speaker 1 (43:39):
That's interesting.
Tell me more about abandoningyourself.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Oh, that's interesting Tell me more about
abandoning yourself.
Well, when we, when somethinghappens like you send the email
and it's got typos in it and youmissed words you abandon
yourself.
When, all of a sudden, you pickup the stick and start beating
yourself up oh you dummy, whatare you thinking?
What's wrong with you?
Your brain must be broken now.
That's, that's like abuse.
(44:03):
And when we abuse ourselves,when we're critical of ourselves
, what we in essence are doingis abandoning ourselves.
We're abandoning that littlechild that is just looking for
someone to say you know what.
You're going to be okay,everything's fine, nothing bad
happened, nobody died.
There were typos in the email.
So I'm always looking now atplaces where I'm abandoning
(44:25):
myself or where I've abandonedmyself in the past.
Right, because I was taughtthat being hard on myself was
the way towards perfectionism,was the way towards excellence.
But every time I beat myself up, I actually reinforce that
story of I'm not good enough.
Self up, I actually reinforcethat story of I'm not good
enough, and that's selfabandonment, that's abuse.
(44:49):
And when we can stop that, soagain coming back to that love
and compassion and parentingourselves, that's when we really
start to shine in the world.
That's when you really start torealize what matters and what
doesn't matter.
Speaker 1 (45:00):
I want to circle back to something you said earlier
about your wall.
You said it's my responsibilityto not let my wall keep people
from connecting with me.
My responsibility and itreminds me of another saying
that you have responsibility forthe energy you bring to the
room.
Might have been Oprah Winfrey.
It's something I think aboutvery consciously when I walk
(45:22):
into a room as an introvert, asa quieter person who likes
observing first before I talk,and I do take the initiative to
introduce myself, and I'm alsovery conscious that it's the
energy.
I'm responsible for that and Ican decide what kind.
You know what level I'm goingto project today and, like you,
(45:45):
I also set myself somethingthat's really achievable.
So I'm not going to work theroom and I'm going to keep
repeating my you know 30 secondpitch.
I just don't feel that's theway to connect for me.
But I love going up to oneperson and having a really great
conversation and justdisplaying a lot of curiosity,
(46:05):
asking a lot of questions andjust focusing on that one person
.
Speaker 2 (46:09):
I love that so much.
That's what I do as well.
And just a tip to all theintroverts listening the best
people are on the outside of theroom because the extroverts are
all in the center of the roomtrying to talk over each other.
So all you need to do is lookfor the people who are lingering
by the water station or theback walls, who look a little
bit like awkward anduncomfortable.
(46:30):
And that's that energy part,right Like you get to lead with
that soft and beautiful energyand approach somebody.
So we're always responsible forthe energy that we bring into
the room.
You've probably heard me sayyou know you draw the circle
outside of your feet andeverything inside that circle.
You get to be responsible foreverything outside of the circle
(46:51):
you can't be responsible for.
So you cannot be responsiblefor how somebody else receives
your energy, but you can beresponsible for the energy and
the intention that you bringinto the room.
So you know, knowing all thesepieces that were on my wall,
it's my responsibility to notlet those things to not lead
(47:13):
with the energy that was in thatwall.
And to be honest, I don't evenremember all the things that
were in that wall.
I I should dig out the piece ofpaper.
But there were a lot of things,including, like you know,
beliefs I had about money I doremember that yeah, anger
control, there were all thesedifferent things.
(47:34):
So I don't want to bring thoseinto a room with me.
I want to be able to.
You know, my goal is alwayswhen I'm interacting with
someone I want them to feelcomfortable, I want them to feel
safe.
I want them to feel yeah, Iwant them to feel safe that they
can open up, which is oftenwhat happens with me.
(47:55):
You know, it's not uncommon forpeople to get into a
conversation with me and end upin tears, and I love that.
I love that my energy creates asafe space, that people trust
that they can be vulnerable withme and that they'll be held in
that.
That's really important to me.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
Thank you.
One final question about yourwork as host of the Full Frontal
Living podcast.
Tell me, tell me, why FullFrontal Living?
Because when I first heard thetitle I was like, oh wow, let me
take a step back.
It sounds very yeah at the fullthat's a bold title.
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Yes, the reason that I call it Full Frontal Living is
because, as you start to dothis work around knowing
yourself better and strippingdown all these behaviors that
you're getting into fromperfectionism, control, allowing
yourself to feel your emotionsright, allowing yourself to be
(48:53):
with the insecurities, with theparts of you that don't feel
good enough, you can feel very,very fragile.
There's a reason why we getinto coping mechanisms.
There's a reason why peopleover drink to doom scroll, get
into drugs, get into pleasing,like all of these behaviors.
There's a reason why we do itright we're trying to protect
(49:14):
ourselves and as we strip awaythese layers and we take off
these masks of who we thought wewere, it can feel like you are
standing naked in a snowstorm infront of thousands of people.
So that's why it's called fullfrontal living, because it
(49:42):
really is the courage range thatis available to us as humans,
and it's not easy.
That's why not everybody doesthis work.
Speaker 1 (49:56):
What is the best place for people to find out
more about your work?
Speaker 2 (50:01):
That is a great question.
Well, they can subscribe to theFull Frontal Living podcast.
We actually haven't put out anynew episodes for a while.
We've been repurposing in thename of not being perfect.
It took a couple months off andwe've got like 300 plus
episodes.
I'm like there's got to be somegood, good stuff in there.
So listening to the podcast isgreat.
I hang out mostly on Instagram.
(50:21):
I really love doing Instagramstories so I quite often put out
Instagram stories so they canfind me at Lisa Carpenter Inc or
just over on my website atlisacarpenterca.
We've got lots of differentoptions and opportunities,
including a private podcast thatpeople can subscribe to, and we
got some cool stuff comingcoming down the pipe.
Speaker 1 (50:41):
Exciting.
What is one final piece ofadvice or insight that you want
to share with our introverts andour quiet achievers and our
highly sensitive people?
Speaker 2 (50:54):
Be true to who you are, but don't allow the labels
that you're telling yourselfabout yourself become stories
that prohibit you from creating.
The labels that you're tellingyourself about yourself become
stories that prohibit you fromcreating the life that you want,
Because I believe that a lot ofintroverts and quiet people use
that as their shield as to whythey can't achieve great things
(51:15):
in this world.
And you know, I am not anextrovert and I've achieved
great things in this world.
You know I am not an extrovertand I've achieved great things
in this world.
You just have to embrace whoyou are and have the courage to
challenge yourself to be morethan you think of what you're
capable of being.
Hopefully that makes sense.
(51:37):
It's be who you are and alwayschallenge the parts of your
identity that you are attachedto, because they can often
become limiting factors.
I love that yeah.
So, even as an athlete this pastyear and then we can wrap up I
(51:57):
decided to take this year totravel the world because, you
know, a variety of thingshappened in my life and that
required me to release theattachment to being an athlete.
So I'm always going to be anathlete, but it had to look very
different this year and I couldnot have had the year that I
had if I had stayed attached tothat identity.
(52:20):
So it's a part of me, right,but we always have to be
challenging the things thatwe're attached to so that they
don't limit us.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
You said something there about recognizing the
labels but not letting thelabels become your identity.
So your identity is alwayssomething bigger than words can
articulate.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Yeah, you know, like being an athlete had become such
a big part of me.
I didn't know who I was if Iwasn't an athlete.
And there are so many moreinteresting things about me than
just being an athlete, right,but the more I attach to that,
the more energy I pour into that, the more I limit myself from
(53:10):
exploring.
Well, what if I'm also anexplorer?
What if I'm also an adventurer?
What if I'm also a live on theedger?
What does it feel like to notexercise or go to the gym and
lift weights for a month?
Right, if I had been reallyattached to that identity, I
would have been having anxietyattacks that I couldn't train.
But because I was just like,we're just going to put this
(53:32):
down for a while, we're going totry on this different thing
over here, it really opened meup to a lot of things.
So, you know, am I back at homenow and back kind of in that
athlete mindset again?
Yes, but even now I'm nowrefining it and tweaking it,
because the how I want toidentify as an athlete now looks
very different than it did in2020.
(53:53):
And that's really cool too.
So just a reminder thateverything, everything is always
up for change andtransformation.
Nothing is permanent unless youfight really hard to stay
attached to it.
Speaker 1 (54:11):
Beautiful and, on that very light and liberating
note, thank you very much, lisaCarpenter, for joining us today
on the Quiet Warrior podcast.
Make sure you check out Lisa'swork at her website as well as
at her podcast.
All the links will be in theshow notes and if you've enjoyed
this episode, make sure youlike and subscribe as well and
stay tuned for the next episode.
(54:33):
I'm so grateful that you'rehere today.
If you found this contentvaluable, please share it on
your social media channels andsubscribe to the show on your
favorite listening platform.
Together, we can help moreintroverts thrive.
To receive more upliftingcontent like this, connect with
me on Instagram at Serena LoQuiet Warrior Coach.
(54:55):
Thank you for sharing your timeand your energy with me.
See you on the next episode.
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