January 26, 2025 • 46 mins
In this Episode 68 of The Quiet Warrior Podcast, we sit down with Deborah Sugirthakumar - author, radio host, and advocate for mental health resilience and domestic violence prevention.
Deborah shares her personal journey of overcoming adversity, breaking generational cycles of trauma, and raising a resilient family. Her insights into the power of empathy, accountability, and the quiet strength of introverts offer invaluable wisdom for parents, caregivers, and advocates alike.
Deborah also discusses her book, Raising Resilient Families, which combines evidence-based research with practical tools for creating compassionate, respectful, and mentally healthy environments for children. Whether you're a parent, educator, or community leader, this conversation will inspire you to take meaningful steps toward fostering resilience and breaking harmful cycles.
Who Should Listen:
This episode is perfect for introverts, parents, educators, and advocates looking to:
Foster resilience and mental well-being in their families and communities.
Learn strategies for breaking cycles of trauma and creating safer environments.
Understand how introverted strengths can lead to profound societal change.
Gain practical tools and insights for conscious parenting and advocacy.
Key Topics Discussed:
The Role of Quiet Leadership in Advocacy: Why introverts possess unique strengths, such as deep listening and thoughtful action, that make them effective agents of change.
Breaking Generational Cycles: Deborah’s deeply personal journey of healing from trauma and her commitment to raising her son with empathy and accountability.
Empowering Boys and Men: Addressing the stigma around male vulnerability and the importance of teaching boys emotional intelligence and respect.
Creating Safer Families: Practical tips for fostering resilience and positive family dynamics while navigating the challenges of modern parenting.
The Power of the Village: How collaboration, community, and shared values can transform individual efforts into widespread societal change.
Resources Mentioned:
Deborah’s Book: Raising Resilient Families is available on Amazon, Booktopia, and directly through Deborah on Instagram or Facebook.
Deborah’s Radio Shows:
Mindful Moments – An English-language program addressing mental health and societal change.
Vaanisai Tamil Radio – Celebrating Tamil language and culture.
Connect with Deborah:
Instagram: @DeborahSugirthakumar
Facebook: Deborah Sugirthakumar
"Introverts bring calm to chaos, listen deeply, and reflect profoundly. These qualities make them powerful advocates for change, even in a world that often undervalues quiet strength." – Deborah Sugirthakumar
Call to Action:
If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review The Quiet Warrior Podcast on your listening app. Your support helps amplify stories like Deborah’s and inspires more introverts and quiet achievers in our communities.
Stay tuned for the next episode, and remember: quiet strength changes lives.
This episode was edited by Aura House Productions
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Serena Loh.
If you're used to hearing thatintroverts are shy, anxious,
antisocial and lack goodcommunication and leadership
skills, then this podcast is foryou.
You're about to fall in lovewith the calm, introspective and
profound person that you are.
Discover what's fun, unique andpowerful about being an
(00:22):
introvert, and how to make theelegant transition from quiet
achiever to quiet warrior inyour life and work anytime you
want, in more ways than youimagined possible Welcome.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Quiet Warrior podcast.
Today's special guest isDeborah Sugir Thakuma.
(00:44):
Deborah is an author, radiohost and a dedicated advocate
for mental health, resilience,domestic violence prevention and
nurturing positive traits inthe next generation.
As the author of RaisingResilient Families, she focuses
on empowering individuals tobuild strong, compassionate and
resilient foundations.
(01:04):
Debra hosts Mindful Moments, anEnglish-language radio show
addressing mental health, familydynamics and societal change,
and co-hosts Vanisai Tamil Radio, which celebrates Tamil
language and culture.
Welcome, debra.
No-transcript about yourbackground story and what led
(01:47):
you to your current interest inmental health, domestic violence
prevention and resilientfamilies.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
My advocacy is based on a simple motto that love
doesn't hurt and childrenshouldn't have to spend their
adulthood healing from anytrauma that is caused by the
family environment that theygrow up in.
So my background I grew up inSri Lanka for my early childhood
, for the nine years, and thenwe migrated to Australia due to
(02:16):
the Civil War, and the Civil Warcaused a lot of intense
situation that we faced and Isaw the resilience that shaped
the foundation to the way thatmy parents raised me and that
helped me to grow up to be astrong individual who's able to
face adversity with a positiveoutlet.
And for myself as well, I faceda situation where I had to
(02:41):
leave my family house due tosafety and for me, it made me
look into the way that I want toraise my son, especially to
become a man who is moreaccountable, who has integrity
and who's able to advocate formental health resilience when he
grows up if life ever getsdifficult.
Especially, I think boys andmen find it very difficult to
(03:03):
emote their emotions in thesociety.
So I just want to change thenarrative so it is a safe space,
so they can create a safe spacefor women as well as those
around and when you look at theresearch by the National Child
Traumatic Stress Network, theyemphasize that early childhood
trauma for children.
It has an incredible impact onchildren when they grow up as
(03:25):
adults.
So it's so important asguardians, parents and
caregivers that we transformpain into purpose so we can
create a safer environment forchildren.
So it started when I was 18years old, so my first public
speaking was in this topic forBCE, and that was a little step
where I've, over the time, I'veworked on myself with workshops
(03:47):
and everything and having thatmuch, I guess, knowledge in this
field it can.
You can go through a situationwhere you face a challenge or,
no matter how much knowledge oradvocacy you do, sometimes these
things happen to you but it'sso important to come out and get
professional help, heal from itso you can create a positive
(04:08):
impact on people.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Wow, you've said so much in there.
The two things I think Inoticed were boys and men are
not encouraged to emote insociety.
Can we explore that a littlebit?
You know, we hear so much abouttoxic masculinity.
We hear about, you know, boysdon't cry.
I remember there was a movie Iwatched many years ago called
that Boys Don't Cry and itstarred Hilary Swank and it
(04:32):
touched me very, very deeply.
Tell me more about this.
Why is this such a hugechallenge in society?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I think one of the reasons that it is a huge
challenge is I explore this inmy book as well Raising
Resilient Families.
Masculinity it has historically.
It's to do with survival, wheremen have been encouraged to not
show their emotion, to be thewarrior who protects their
family.
But that actually has a lot ofnegative impact.
(05:01):
Where it suppresses men'semotions or boys' emotions,
where they grow up bottling upall their emotions and at point
they reach out to negativeoutlets.
Where it has a lot ofimplication on their behaviour,
especially when you look atdomestic violence issues that we
have seen in Australia lastyear.
A lot of men turn towards theirpartners or children and it
(05:27):
becomes a violent outlet, whichis not good.
So calling out these behavioursand encouraging men to seek
help is so important Encouragingand letting people know that
vulnerability is actually astrength.
It doesn't have to be looked atas a negative situation.
So it's important that wechange the narrative.
I guess we've empowered ourwomen and girls so.
Negative situation.
So it's important that wechange the narrative.
I guess we've empowered ourwomen and girls so much.
(05:48):
I think it's about time that weempower men to speak about their
emotions, get the right help iflife ever gets challenging, and
just to say that it's okay thatyou can get professional help
and heal from any issues thatyou face in life.
So it's a call to action,basically that it's time that we
do need to speak up, and Ithink I need.
(06:10):
We need more men to speak aboutthese issues, who are
influencers and who are inhigher positions and who have
the power to create a change,and I've seen that change coming
and it's wonderful to see thosemen speak up.
So seeing a role model whoacknowledges this is so
important as well.
So, yeah, that's why we're onthis arena.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
So you're saying we need more men to speak up, men
with lived experience, meant tobe advocates and allies.
And why is it so important tohave that additional voice?
Why is it important for our,say, our sons, our nephews, our
fathers, our grandfathers to dothis work?
(06:52):
Because they would seethemselves as, historically,
what you mentioned, theprotectors, the warriors of the
family.
And if they themselves are notcomfortable expressing their
feelings because they were notraised that way, how, how do we
encourage them to then emote, toexpress, to speak up on behalf
(07:13):
of others?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
that's a really good question and especially I'll put
that example back to my family.
So with my dad he's during thecivil war he seen a lot of
losses.
He lost his parents when he wasreally young, when he was 10,
11 years old.
He was raised by my aunt, whowas a little bit older, so he
had a lot of post-traumaticstress and he had to learn to
(07:37):
heal from that in order to be abetter role model for my sister
and I.
And now he's got a grandson whois my son.
So he did have to do a lot ofwork on himself to be where he
is and not use negative outletsto handle his emotions.
So I think this role modeling itdisplays empathy, respect and
emotional intelligence and itactually challenges the
(08:00):
stereotype of masculinity byshowing men that being
unemotional or aggressive isn'tgood and rather being kind and
responsible and respectful is soimportant.
And by him doing that he'steaching my son to learn by
observing his behaviour.
He'll become the role model whowill promote respect, equality
(08:23):
and non-violence as an examplein the house that my son grows
up in.
So he'll be the role model.
And of course, I've got mybrother-in-law, who will be the
next role model that my sonlooks after, so those men who
are part of his life everysingle day.
They're promoting theaccountability and leadership
that's required for my son togrow up, or the next generation
(08:43):
to grow up, to be a responsibleand an accountable boy.
And I think it breaks a cycleof toxic behavior as well, and
many harmful behaviors areperpetuated through generational
cycles.
So having a good role model,having someone who's healed from
their trauma, it disrupts thatpatterns and it demonstrates
(09:03):
there are healthier ways tocommunicate problem solving as
well.
So conflict resolution itdoesn't have to be through a
negative way.
You can handle emotions in apositive way and I think it
inspires a bit of confidence andpurpose as well for younger
boys to see men for guidance andpurpose and it builds
(09:23):
self-esteem that you canpersevere in life and have
positive thinking and navigatelife in a different way to
overcoming adversity anddifficulties that you face in
life.
So I think it is so importantthat men who have walked the
path of life to invest inmentoring other men and the next
(09:45):
generation so they can build aculture where positive values
are passed down.
And you don't have to be aparent to do this.
You can be a role model, aleader in an organization or a
person who cares for thecommunity.
This creates a ripple effect,not only benefiting communities,
but it changes the society as awhole.
I think, and it's so importantthat seeing strong, kind,
(10:09):
responsible men who take care oftheir mental well-being pick up
so they can embody thesequalities and contribute to a
better world.
So it's so important that we dosee men who do that, and I hope
that I raise my son to be theman who does that when he's
older and where people can feelsafe and they can heal from the
environment instead of fightingbattles in the environment that
(10:32):
he creates.
So that's something that I wantto hopefully do with my little
guy.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Which I think you're already doing, because the
formative years are the yearswhere we imprint on the next
generation how they will be asthey grow up.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
And so the first seven years.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
isn't that what they say in childhood development
theory?
These are the most importantyears, and you are spending this
very precious time imprintingon your son all these positive
values of resilience, of respect, of strength, of vulnerability
as well.
And so well done to you as aparent, because I know, when you
know, 22 years ago when I hadmy first child, I wasn't that
(11:14):
conscious as a parent.
I knew I wanted to do betterand I wanted to be a good mother
, but I didn't have that kind ofperspective or you know the
access to resources at that time.
It was more like you know, youbuy the baby book from the
bookstore that tells you youknow how to manage a child when
they cry, how to get them tosleep, those sorts of things,
(11:36):
but you know, we don't reallytalk about building the mental
health of the child.
you know how to teach the childto be resilient and kind and
respectful, how to role modelthat, and so I think for many
generations, for many of us,we've just grown up absorbing
whatever was imprinted or taughtto us or conditioned in us as
(11:57):
children and that's our defaultpattern.
So to be able to actuallyconsciously pause and ask
ourselves is this still the kindof parenting pattern that I
want to perpetuate?
Is this how I want to raise mychild?
Do I want to do better.
How do I do better?
What do I need to be doingdifferently?
How do I need to be differentas a person?
(12:17):
And then, as a parent.
So I think you are way, wayahead.
So I think you are way, wayahead no-transcript to set that
goal or that intention foryourself, to choose to be that
kind of a conscious parentmaking those decisions.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yeah and I think the world has evolved so much as
well.
Um, I guess the time that youraised your children is
different to the time that I'mraising, and if my son chooses
to have a family, he'll beraising his children a different
way.
I think the time has evolved andwe just have to evolve with it
and equip ourselves withresources instead of being
(13:01):
learning from what has taught tous, which is good, but there is
always added resources that wecan take in to better equip our
children.
And there's a quote that I readsomeone that you raise is the
most important um, um thing thatyou can leave behind in this
earth, as opposed to any othercontribution that you may,
(13:22):
because they can have suchprofound impact later on.
So, um, yeah, as you said,definitely, um, there is more
resources available now, uh, toequip parents and caregivers and
guardians to, um, I guess,bring up children.
So, yeah, time has changed andit's wonderful and it's
important that even my mom, whenshe was reading my book, she
(13:45):
said, if I had this like 30years ago, I think I would have
done a better job.
And I said having what you hadback then, you did do a good job
.
So now it's, the torch is on meto teach my son to be a better
parent if he ever chooses to be.
So I think that's what it'sabout here.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
I think that's a very important point you've raised
there, Deborah, because a lot ofparents have this sense of
guilt.
The ones that do have goodintentions, are trying their
best but still feel that theyare not doing a good enough job.
And sometimes, you know, wehave these episodes with our
children, where they are maybemisbehaving.
They are acting out at school.
(14:24):
They're having somedifficulties and as parents, we
wonder you know, where did I gowrong?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
So I think that element there that you mentioned
of self-compassion,self-forgiveness and also
knowing that you did your bestat the time, you made the best
decisions you could at the timeunder the circumstances that you
faced, and now, knowing better,we do better, exactly yes.
So I just want to encourageanyone who's listening to be
(14:52):
gentle with yourself, too as youreflect on your own parenting
journey, because no parent isperfect.
Even if there was a parentingmanual out there, we would still
not get it right 100% of thetime.
It's just because we're humanand every child and every adult
is different.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Yeah, and society?
Yeah, exactly, and the societyplays an important role in
shaping the child as well.
You can only equip childrenwith the resources and knowledge
and skills that they need tobetter handle life, but you
cannot control the characterthat they are or the person that
they are.
So that's something that.
And if things do fall apart,just remember that you equip
(15:29):
them with the right resourcesand they will fall back to those
resources at some point andcome back and look at things
differently.
But you just need to, as I said, just be kind to yourself and
just to be gentle.
Yeah to the way that you doparents.
That's correct.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
And while you're on the topic of resources, and you
know, a supportive environmentas a society are current support
systems and protectionssufficient?
Why or why not?
Speaker 2 (16:00):
That's a really good question.
I think, with the supportsystem that is around at the
moment, there is still so muchthat can change.
In my view, and especially whenI found out through the book
that I was writing as well thereis so mandatory, I guess,
community services or anycounselling that they go through
(16:21):
during that time.
It's usually they go throughthe system, they go through
(16:44):
courts and they get released andthen they go back into that
situation again and they mightbe acting out because of the
home environment.
I think our system needs tolook into each child more and
reframe how we can actually helpchildren who are in that system
, for example, by encouragingthem to go to counselling,
(17:07):
working with their parents tosee how the home environment can
change, so it can support andrehabilitate children to be
better adults as well.
And another thing that Ithought of is so it can support
and rehabilitate children to bebetter adults as well.
And another thing that Ithought of is when it comes to
issues of domestic and familyviolence.
(17:27):
I think there should bemandatory counselling, substance
rehabilitation centres wherethe person has to go through
that before they can have accessto children, where they can
have access to children, ormandatory parenting class that
the person can go through,because such things are not
there at the moment which canhave a profound impact, because
what happens is they go throughthe legal system and then they
get out and most likely they'recontinuing the behaviour, which
(17:50):
can impact the children andfamily later on.
So there needs to be a lot ofwork that still needs to be done
.
And schools, for example,victoria has started this
project where they're talkingabout mental health resilience
and domestic violence preventionfrom a young age.
I think that should, and it'sonly in some schools, but I
think it should be across allschools so children from a young
(18:12):
age do, because we need toremember that not all children
have a home environment wherethey're taught that.
So schools taking onaccountability and government
taking on that accountability toteach the children, that's a
huge resource.
So I think that should bemandatory.
They're trialling it out, buthopefully it'll become mandatory
(18:33):
across all schools later on aswell.
And even workplaces there arelittle, I guess, are you okay?
Days, and I guess for Women'sDay, those little days where we
do talk about this, but I thinkthere should be some kind of
mandatory training or somethingthat's done at work so workers
(18:57):
are aware of it so we can lookout for each other.
So those little things.
There is a lot more systematicimprovement that we can do, but
I guess it needs to start withus as individuals being able to
advocate for mental healthawareness and domestic violence
prevention.
So at every conversation, takingthat extra time to make sure
(19:19):
the people around us are okayand making having deep and
meaningful conversation insteadof just brushing off and, I
guess, calling out behaviours ifit is looking wrong or
incorrect, that's important aswell.
Like there are so many timeswhen I look back where I see men
or partners talking about theother partner in a offensive way
(19:43):
or a rude way and they laugh itoff.
But in reality, when you lookback, I'm thinking, hang on,
I've never seen them complimentthat partner or say something
good.
So if this is something that'shappening in a public space,
what's happening at home?
And especially when you do thatin front of your children,
degrade your partner or themother of your child or the
(20:04):
father of your child, your childgrows up thinking that it's
okay to accept that behaviour ordo that behaviour on their
partner in the future.
So those little changes that wecreate in our environment in
ourselves that will have aripple effect in the society,
but with society, I thinkthere's a lot more systemic
(20:25):
change that we need to do to bewhere we are when it comes to
mental health, resilience anddomestic violence prevention.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I wonder if all the problems that we are
experiencing at the individual,the family and the society level
is because we see all thesethings as disconnected from
ourselves or we don't seeourselves as connected to other
people and so we have thisconcept of, you know, don't air
(20:57):
your dirty laundry, right?
So whatever happens within thehome stays in the home and
probably, you know, some adultswould encourage, discourage the
children from speaking outbecause those are private
matters, they are family matters.
They should be solved withinthe family.
There should not be strangers,you know, intervening, not even
(21:21):
the school.
So I'm sure there are.
You know there are cultureslike that, where all this is
considered very shameful, toeven to mention it to someone
else who is not in the family,to ask for help, to even go to
counselling.
I know someone who finds itvery difficult to seek therapy
for their own issues becausethey find it such a burden to
(21:44):
talk about it.
You know it's likere-traumatising them, but it
also brings a sense of shamethat they are a certain age as a
mature adult and they stillfeel that they have to ask for
help.
It doesn't sit well for them.
So.
So you know how would someonedeal with that, and I imagine it
would be a lot more.
(22:04):
You know, based on what wetalked about, that, that men and
boys would find that a biggerproblem.
Women, I think, have less of aproblem opening up and asking
for help.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
That's a really good question, I think, speaking up.
Definitely it is difficult forpeople in the situation where
they don't feel supported,because the family environment
should be something that theycan seek support and grow from.
So when it comes to mentalhealth, resilience and domestic
(22:38):
violence prevention, it doeshave to start from a young age.
But in order for that to start,we need to make sure that we
can heal from our own trauma.
Just being aware of that andaccessing resources where we can
look at ourselves and spend alittle bit of time to see if we
are doing the right things asparents and caregivers is so
(22:59):
important.
A lot of people become parentswithout being ready to evolve
into better people.
You need to retrain the waythat you're raised and the way
that you see society in order toraise children.
In my point, even if you're notready, you need to be ready to
evolve into that person.
A lot of people just uh, it's.
(23:21):
A lot of people think that itis a, it's a, I guess, a
societal um uh lineage, how it'sbeen done.
This is what you should do.
You know you have kids, getmarried, do this this way, but
sometimes you don't have to dothings the way that it has been
taught to you.
You need to be like, havechildren when you are ready to
do that.
(23:41):
And when it comes to not havingthe supportive environment,
just remember that vulnerabilityis a strength and you deserve a
better life.
If something is not happening toyou that is unfair or if you're
being treated wrong, it is okayto seek help and support and
overcome that adversity and beresilient.
If you're a perpetrator who isdoing that behaviour, just know
(24:04):
that it is wrong, because thefamily is the most important, I
guess, company or corporatestructure that you are living in
every single day.
So it's important that youprovide a safe environment for
every single person that isliving in that family
environment.
And it is when you look at Ithink social media is another
(24:27):
factor that it's always a happyscene that you see every single
day.
So it doesn't allow you tospeak about any issues that are
happening to you.
So people think that you needto hide your emotions or any
issues that you're going throughat home instead of talking
about it.
But it is okay to talk aboutissues and situation and, as
(24:51):
parents, if you have made anymistakes, so if there there is
room for improvement, there isprofessional help out there for
you to seek the support andchange, and it may be because of
your unhealed trauma thatyou're behaving in that
particular way, or your ownupbringing or your own view of a
(25:11):
situation that may have led tothe way that you're behaving.
But there is always theopportunity to change and become
a better person.
But there is always theopportunity to change and become
a better person.
So that's what you need to see,and family support is so
important.
So the only way that we canchange the way that we create a
safe space is for ourselves toheal and become better
individuals.
Unless we do that, it's reallyhard to create that safe
(25:35):
environment for families.
I believe yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
So we're looking at this from a micro perspective as
to what the individual can do,and what you're talking about is
self-responsibility that growsout of self-awareness.
So as soon as you become awarethat something is not right or
something could be better, or Icould be better, then it's up to
us to make that change fromourselves, because we can't
(26:01):
control what other people do andwe maybe, you know we can't
control the external environmentvery much but we can certainly
control ourselves and we candecide how we want to be.
And then the problem thenbecomes yes, I am exerting my
own positive ripples, but I amone person.
How do I influence the peoplearound me, as well as the wider
(26:25):
structure, the organization Ibelong to, the school that my
children go to?
How do I influence so that morepeople are able to access this
kind of support and startempowering themselves,
empowering their own familiesand changing the system, because
the system is the hardest oneto change.
(26:46):
It just feels like this big,amorphous, non-human entity that
has so much power and influencein our daily lives.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
I think one of the things that we can do is lead by
example.
So show consistency betweenyour words and your actions so
people can see what's happeningand handle situations with grace
and honesty.
So it can inspire other peoplea little bit at a time, and I
(27:17):
think you can collaborate withother people who are already
empowering and leading change,and that allows you to advocate
for the things that you believein.
And another situation is, Ithink, be a source of positivity
(27:38):
.
Maintain positive attitude andapproach challenges with
optimism.
Maintain positive attitude andapproach challenges with
optimism.
There will be opportunitieswhere you can give your feedback
and your thoughts.
For example, if a school isrunning some kind of workshop,
have a chat to the school andsee how you can positively
contribute to that workshop orencourage the school to take
(28:01):
part in it.
And I think it's so importantto share your knowledge and
expertise to guide others.
It doesn't have to be in a loudway.
It could be like in a littleblog writing or I write for the
west side of newspapers.
For anyone who may find itinteresting to read about these
topics, there's always podcastsor radio shows that you can
listen to, that you can connectwith them and share your views
(28:23):
as well.
Just, I think more important ishaving that connection and
being able to stay open tolearning and be willing to learn
from others and share yourknowledge not only for your own
growth but hopefully to inspireothers as well and be consistent
and reliable.
So follow through yourcommitments, build trust and
(28:46):
credibility so you can continueto advocate for your, for what
you believe in and for thechange that you believe in.
And just don't think that yourvoice is not heard.
If there is anything that yousee or hear that is not right,
it's always important to callout that behaviour as well.
So the little changes that youcreate in everyday situation
(29:10):
people may see the changes thatyou're creating and approach you
for thoughts and feedback onhow you can contribute to that
particular.
I guess to be part of anorganization that may create a
change.
So it just starts with uhlittle changes that you create
every day so you can inspireothers in a meaningful way and
(29:32):
uh to reach their full potentialas well.
So, but the change starts withyou and then it goes on to uh
the way that you can contributeto other organizations or other
people and influence them in apositive way.
That's yeah, that's what Ithink, serena, I think.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
I picked up three strands there that are important
to amplify.
The first one you mentioned wasthe growth mindset, and that is
that we ourselves, as parents,as individuals, need to
continually stay open tolearning.
I think at the very beginningof this conversation, you also
talked about how the world hasevolved and we need to evolve
along with it.
(30:10):
And so sometimes, as parents, wecan get so busy, distracted,
weighed down by, you know,concerns.
It's the small, small thingsthat add up.
What am I going to cook fordinner tonight?
You know who's going to pick upthe child from childcare.
You know having to read aschool newsletter or be on the
app or the parents chat to findout what's the latest thing
that's happening.
(30:30):
What forms do I need to sign,what report needs to be
submitted.
It's all the weight of allthese little things.
But on top of that, then, tostill be able to say I want to
keep learning, I want to staycurious, I want to keep growing
as a person, as a parent, andthat means I need to be
investing in knowledge, I needto be reading what else is
(30:55):
happening, what are other peopledoing, what is the new theory
or something helpful that'sbeing shared?
And then you mentionedadvocating, but with integrity,
meaning that we are walking ourtalk.
We need to be that role model.
First, we need to be tidying upour own internal you know our
own internal messes.
(31:16):
You know healing ourselves,doing that inner work, and then,
from that place of integrity,we're able to advocate for
others in a stronger way,because then, when we speak,
we're actually speaking from aplace of I've done this work.
That's why I can talk about it.
I'm not just telling otherpeople to do things that I'm not
myself practicing, because thatcomes from a place of
(31:39):
non-integrity.
So those, I think, are reallyimportant.
And then I think you mentionedalso the being able to influence
or partner with, collaboratewith others, and that's
amplifying our personal power,because by ourselves we may
think, you know, my voice is soquiet or I'm just one person.
(31:59):
But when we partner with otherpeople who are walking that same
journey, thinking the samethoughts, aspiring to the same
sorts of goals, then I thinkthere is great power.
And that's why the village isso important.
We're not meant to do thingsalone or to live alone or to
solve problems alone.
The village is there to supportevery person and we are part of
(32:22):
that village.
We are also contributing tomaking that village stronger.
So you raise some really goodpoints there.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Thank you, Serena.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
So if you could wave a magic wand, Deborah, and
change anything, what would thatbe?
Speaker 2 (32:39):
If I could wave a magic wand, I think I would
create a world where mentalhealth care is free and
universally accessible foreveryone and, I think, where
children grow up learningempathy, respect and conflict
resolutions which can eradicatefamily and domestic violence.
Later on, when I was writing mybook, there was a research that
(33:03):
was done in 2006 by Anda andsome experts.
They show that interventions inchildhood significantly reduces
violence and improve mentalhealth and outcomes in adulthood
.
So I think those are the twofactors that I would bring in,
if I have a magic wand, to surethat every that we can break
(33:24):
that generational cycle ofviolence, to better equip
children to be better adults andas and of course, society's
evolving so much and things arechanging.
But I think these are the twothings that I would bring
universally accessible mentalhealth care and also a better
(33:44):
environment for children to growup so they can be better
individuals growing up.
So these are the two thingsthat I would bring.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Fantastic.
And as our listeners are mostlyintroverts, what are your
thoughts on the connectionbetween introversion and how we
grew up?
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Sure, I think when we look at introverts, society too
often labels them a certain waylike disengaged, but in reality
, if you look at a lot ofintroverts, they are the deep
thinkers, they're the creatorsand they're the people who feel
reality better than the rest ofus.
And a lot of introverts bringcalm to chaos, and they do
(34:25):
listen deeply and they see theworld in a different way.
So I think if you're listeningtoday, you felt defined by your
quiet nature.
I want to tell you you actuallyhave a superpower and when it
comes to mental health advocacyand family violence prevention,
you can be someone who can havethe tools to help others heal
(34:47):
and grow.
For example, being an introvert, you can create a safe
emotional space for someone tohave a conversation with you
because you have betterlistening skills and you can
support that person when itcomes to the way that they
express what's happening to themand practice assertiveness.
(35:08):
Introverts often avoidconfrontation, so, but setting
specific boundaries can allowothers to express their needs in
situations where they feel safe, because you will always be
someone who is able to practiceassertiveness in situations as
well.
And I think introverts canreflect on their nature by
(35:34):
identifying patterns in theirfamily history.
By understanding these patterns, they can take conscious steps
to create a more stable andpositive environment for their
own family as well.
Because they're deep thinkers,they do analyse the situation
much better than other people.
So being an introvert whileadvocating for family and
domestic violence can be awonderful opportunity for people
(35:57):
to find strength in theirquietness and break down the
cycle of violence and introverts.
I think they also have theability to work behind the
scenes with advocacy byexcelling in research, for
example, writing or creatingawareness through blogs or
social media or other platforms,where they don't have to have
(36:19):
that face-to-face interaction,but their creativity and writing
skills can have such a profoundimpact.
So that's something that, ifyou are interested in this field
of advocacy, you can do as well.
And I think it's so importantto focus on the quality over
quantity.
So introverts often prefersmaller, deeper engagements
(36:41):
instead of larger gatherings.
So this approach can lead tolong-lasting in a close knit
communities or individualsrather than the bigger impacts.
And also you can buildconnections and networking with
people who like to speak up andbut show your support by doing
(37:02):
any other work behind the scenesto advocate for mental health
awareness and domestic violenceprevention.
So there's so much that you cando with your introversion, and
I have a friend who grew up in aconflict environment who felt
that her quietness was actuallynot a strength, but growing up
(37:22):
she realised that she has a lotof skills where she can bring to
the society.
In fact, being quiet is herstrength.
So introversion is not aboutlimitation, it's a gift.
Where you're raising a family,you're pursuing your dreams or
simply trying to heal from thepast, your ability can really
reflect, listen and grow as astrength, and it's something
(37:43):
that the world needs in thiscurrent situation.
I think you can be an introvertand contribute so much to the
society.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Thank you so much, Deborah, for that.
Tell us more about your bookRaising Resilient Families what
inspired you to write it, who toread it and where can people
get a copy?
Speaker 2 (38:04):
so, uh.
So my book, um, it's a deeplypersonal exploration of breaking
generational cycle of traumaand um the importance of raising
children with empathy andresilience.
And I started writing um moreum as a therapeutic outlet and I
thought, um, I was looking intohow I can become a better
parent as well and I realizedthere's not a book that handles
(38:28):
mental health awareness anddomestic violence prevention
together.
And, through my therapist, Istarted writing little
paragraphs which turned intochapters and this incredible
book and it's based onevidence-based research covering
each chapter.
And then there are littlepractical tools that parents,
(38:49):
educators and community leaderscan foster to um that's in that
book, um into their everydaylife as well.
And uh, with the book RaisingResilient Family, I had someone
who one asked me um, it saysRaisinging Brazilian Family, so
is the book for families?
So that was a good question Forfamily.
(39:09):
It doesn't have to.
When we look at the familyformat, it doesn't have to be
the traditional mom, dad andchildren.
Household.
Family has evolved so much.
It could be a single parenthousehold or a household where
grandparents or uncles and auntsstep in as carers or same-sex
parents raising children.
So the household has evolved somuch and the community is a
(39:30):
family when you think about it,when you, when my son goes to
daycare, so that daycare is partof the family that is helping
me raise my son.
So family is about connection,support and love, regardless of
how the structure is.
So that's why I named the bookRaising Brazilian Families to
celebrate these diverse families, break the cycles of domestic
(39:50):
violence and advocate for mentalhealth.
And I think a positive familyunit doesn't have to.
It doesn't reflect who's in it.
It it's more the um, how thefamily is, um how much care,
love and support that it umgives to the child so they can
(40:11):
grow up to be stronger andhealthy individuals in the
society.
And I hope that this book um isa call of action and it does
inspire individuals andorganization, educators and
caregivers or anyone who plays arole in shaping a child, to be
more empowered about their owndecisions me, be more empathetic
(40:32):
and be more accountable withtheir own healing, so they can
be better role models.
And this book is available onamazon online and booktopia as
well, and you can also directlymessage me on Instagram or
Facebook to get it at adiscounted price.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
Beautiful.
Thank you so much, and ofcourse we'll attach all those
links in the show notes as well.
Now my final question to youfor today, deborah, because this
podcast is called the QuietWarrior Podcast.
What is a quiet warrior to you?
Speaker 2 (41:05):
For me, I see a quiet warrior as a person who they
don't wear armor and they don'tcharge at a battle.
They're someone who fightsbattles in a silent but
resilient and compassionate wayand they lead by example,
advocating for change in waysthat ripple through families and
communities in a quiet way.
(41:26):
And a quiet warrior is someonewho chooses to listen before
they speak.
And we live in a world wherestigma often silences those
struggling with mental healthchallenges or domestic violence.
So for too long, I think,victims have felt trapped in
shame, unable to share theirstories.
But awareness starts withacknowledgement, so it
(41:48):
recognises that mental healthisn't a weakness and domestic
violence is never justified.
And I think, being a quietwarrior, you can challenge
harmful cycles, especially infamilies, by teaching children
empathy, respect andaccountability.
So a quiet warrior could besomeone who's a mother who's
teaching their child thevulnerability of strength in a
(42:10):
quiet environment.
A quiet warrior could be afriend who's supporting someone
in a toxic, calm relationship,as I've said before, by being a
listening ear, by taking downthe knots and giving them the
resources that they need tohopefully get out of that
situation that they're in.
A quiet warrior could besomeone who is working behind
(42:32):
the scenes in the community byoffering resources to those who
are in need.
So in my own life as well, Ifound that healing through
advocacy is so important.
So I think being a quiet warriorit doesn't mean that you fight
alone.
It's about inspiring others tojoin the movement, step by step,
one conversation at a time, bytaking small actions, so those
(42:58):
small actions can lead to morestronger communities.
And and if you're listeningtoday, I encourage you to think
about how you can be a quietwarrior in your life for
whatever advocacy, whateverthings that you believe in, and
just remember that you canextend a hand to someone
struggling or teach yourchildren values that counteract
(43:20):
violence and stigma, or advocatefor mental health resources in
your workplace or community bybeing in that one-on-one setting
, by being a quiet warrior whois advocating for change.
And your quiet strength doesmatter, and every step that you
take towards mental healthawareness and domestic violence
prevention, it can make a hugedifference to someone, because
(43:43):
they may need that quietstrength that you have and the
support that you're giving inorder to come out of that
situation or get help if theyare going through struggles, and
I think together we can raiseand foster hope and build a
future without violence with thestrength that Quiet Warriors
bring into our life every day.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Thank you so much, Deborah, for bringing your light
, your wisdom, your experienceand your perspective to the
Quiet Warrior podcast today andteaching us about how we can
improve and strengthenresilience and mental health and
that connection, I think,between ourselves and the
(44:28):
village and realizing that weare not alone but at the same
time, that even as individuals,we have so much to contribute,
so much that we can pass on,that we can teach others in the
same way that others are alsoteaching us, and so we are all
part of that collective villageof wisdom and there is hope and
(44:49):
there are plenty of resources,there's support out there but we
also do need to ask for thehelp that we need, and because
we're deserving of that help andwe're not meant to walk this
journey alone.
So thank you so much for comingtoday and for sharing with all
of us.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Serena, and again thank you for the opportunity to
share about my book and myjourney, and I really admire the
way that you amplify voices andempower others, and it's such
an inspiring work that you'redoing.
So I'm grateful that I haveconnected with you and let's
continue to shine a light onthese issues and inspire
meaningful conversations in thefuture.
(45:28):
Thank you, serena, for theopportunity.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
Thank you, and that was another episode of the Quiet
Warrior podcast.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode, if you've learned
something from Deborah's story,please review and rate this
podcast on the listening appthat you're using, and I'll see
you on the next episode.
I'm so grateful that you'rehere today.
If you found this contentvaluable, please share it on
(45:53):
your social media channels andsubscribe to the show on your
favorite listening platform.
Together, we can help moreintroverts thrive.
To receive more upliftingcontent like this, connect with
me on Instagram at Serena LoQuiet Warrior Coach.
Thank you for sharing your timeand your energy with me.
See you on the next episode.
Hi, I'm Serena Loh.
If you're used to hearing thatintroverts are shy, anxious,
antisocial and lack goodcommunication and leadership
skills, then this podcast is foryou.
You're about to fall in lovewith the calm, introspective and
profound person that you are.
Discover what's fun, unique andpowerful about being an
(00:22):
introvert, and how to make theelegant transition from quiet
achiever to quiet warrior inyour life and work anytime you
want, in more ways than youimagined possible Welcome.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Quiet Warrior podcast.
Today's special guest isDeborah Sugir Thakuma.
(00:44):
Deborah is an author, radiohost and a dedicated advocate
for mental health, resilience,domestic violence prevention and
nurturing positive traits inthe next generation.
As the author of RaisingResilient Families, she focuses
on empowering individuals tobuild strong, compassionate and
resilient foundations.
(01:04):
Debra hosts Mindful Moments, anEnglish-language radio show
addressing mental health, familydynamics and societal change,
and co-hosts Vanisai Tamil Radio, which celebrates Tamil
language and culture.
Welcome, debra.
No-transcript about yourbackground story and what led
(01:47):
you to your current interest inmental health, domestic violence
prevention and resilientfamilies.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
My advocacy is based on a simple motto that love
doesn't hurt and childrenshouldn't have to spend their
adulthood healing from anytrauma that is caused by the
family environment that theygrow up in.
So my background I grew up inSri Lanka for my early childhood
, for the nine years, and thenwe migrated to Australia due to
(02:16):
the Civil War, and the Civil Warcaused a lot of intense
situation that we faced and Isaw the resilience that shaped
the foundation to the way thatmy parents raised me and that
helped me to grow up to be astrong individual who's able to
face adversity with a positiveoutlet.
And for myself as well, I faceda situation where I had to
(02:41):
leave my family house due tosafety and for me, it made me
look into the way that I want toraise my son, especially to
become a man who is moreaccountable, who has integrity
and who's able to advocate formental health resilience when he
grows up if life ever getsdifficult.
Especially, I think boys andmen find it very difficult to
(03:03):
emote their emotions in thesociety.
So I just want to change thenarrative so it is a safe space,
so they can create a safe spacefor women as well as those
around and when you look at theresearch by the National Child
Traumatic Stress Network, theyemphasize that early childhood
trauma for children.
It has an incredible impact onchildren when they grow up as
(03:25):
adults.
So it's so important asguardians, parents and
caregivers that we transformpain into purpose so we can
create a safer environment forchildren.
So it started when I was 18years old, so my first public
speaking was in this topic forBCE, and that was a little step
where I've, over the time, I'veworked on myself with workshops
(03:47):
and everything and having thatmuch, I guess, knowledge in this
field it can.
You can go through a situationwhere you face a challenge or,
no matter how much knowledge oradvocacy you do, sometimes these
things happen to you but it'sso important to come out and get
professional help, heal from itso you can create a positive
(04:08):
impact on people.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Wow, you've said so much in there.
The two things I think Inoticed were boys and men are
not encouraged to emote insociety.
Can we explore that a littlebit?
You know, we hear so much abouttoxic masculinity.
We hear about, you know, boysdon't cry.
I remember there was a movie Iwatched many years ago called
that Boys Don't Cry and itstarred Hilary Swank and it
(04:32):
touched me very, very deeply.
Tell me more about this.
Why is this such a hugechallenge in society?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
I think one of the reasons that it is a huge
challenge is I explore this inmy book as well Raising
Resilient Families.
Masculinity it has historically.
It's to do with survival, wheremen have been encouraged to not
show their emotion, to be thewarrior who protects their
family.
But that actually has a lot ofnegative impact.
(05:01):
Where it suppresses men'semotions or boys' emotions,
where they grow up bottling upall their emotions and at point
they reach out to negativeoutlets.
Where it has a lot ofimplication on their behaviour,
especially when you look atdomestic violence issues that we
have seen in Australia lastyear.
A lot of men turn towards theirpartners or children and it
(05:27):
becomes a violent outlet, whichis not good.
So calling out these behavioursand encouraging men to seek
help is so important Encouragingand letting people know that
vulnerability is actually astrength.
It doesn't have to be looked atas a negative situation.
So it's important that wechange the narrative.
I guess we've empowered ourwomen and girls so.
Negative situation.
So it's important that wechange the narrative.
I guess we've empowered ourwomen and girls so much.
(05:48):
I think it's about time that weempower men to speak about their
emotions, get the right help iflife ever gets challenging, and
just to say that it's okay thatyou can get professional help
and heal from any issues thatyou face in life.
So it's a call to action,basically that it's time that we
do need to speak up, and Ithink I need.
(06:10):
We need more men to speak aboutthese issues, who are
influencers and who are inhigher positions and who have
the power to create a change,and I've seen that change coming
and it's wonderful to see thosemen speak up.
So seeing a role model whoacknowledges this is so
important as well.
So, yeah, that's why we're onthis arena.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
So you're saying we need more men to speak up, men
with lived experience, meant tobe advocates and allies.
And why is it so important tohave that additional voice?
Why is it important for our,say, our sons, our nephews, our
fathers, our grandfathers to dothis work?
(06:52):
Because they would seethemselves as, historically,
what you mentioned, theprotectors, the warriors of the
family.
And if they themselves are notcomfortable expressing their
feelings because they were notraised that way, how, how do we
encourage them to then emote, toexpress, to speak up on behalf
(07:13):
of others?
Speaker 2 (07:14):
that's a really good question and especially I'll put
that example back to my family.
So with my dad he's during thecivil war he seen a lot of
losses.
He lost his parents when he wasreally young, when he was 10,
11 years old.
He was raised by my aunt, whowas a little bit older, so he
had a lot of post-traumaticstress and he had to learn to
(07:37):
heal from that in order to be abetter role model for my sister
and I.
And now he's got a grandson whois my son.
So he did have to do a lot ofwork on himself to be where he
is and not use negative outletsto handle his emotions.
So I think this role modeling itdisplays empathy, respect and
emotional intelligence and itactually challenges the
(08:00):
stereotype of masculinity byshowing men that being
unemotional or aggressive isn'tgood and rather being kind and
responsible and respectful is soimportant.
And by him doing that he'steaching my son to learn by
observing his behaviour.
He'll become the role model whowill promote respect, equality
(08:23):
and non-violence as an examplein the house that my son grows
up in.
So he'll be the role model.
And of course, I've got mybrother-in-law, who will be the
next role model that my sonlooks after, so those men who
are part of his life everysingle day.
They're promoting theaccountability and leadership
that's required for my son togrow up, or the next generation
(08:43):
to grow up, to be a responsibleand an accountable boy.
And I think it breaks a cycleof toxic behavior as well, and
many harmful behaviors areperpetuated through generational
cycles.
So having a good role model,having someone who's healed from
their trauma, it disrupts thatpatterns and it demonstrates
(09:03):
there are healthier ways tocommunicate problem solving as
well.
So conflict resolution itdoesn't have to be through a
negative way.
You can handle emotions in apositive way and I think it
inspires a bit of confidence andpurpose as well for younger
boys to see men for guidance andpurpose and it builds
(09:23):
self-esteem that you canpersevere in life and have
positive thinking and navigatelife in a different way to
overcoming adversity anddifficulties that you face in
life.
So I think it is so importantthat men who have walked the
path of life to invest inmentoring other men and the next
(09:45):
generation so they can build aculture where positive values
are passed down.
And you don't have to be aparent to do this.
You can be a role model, aleader in an organization or a
person who cares for thecommunity.
This creates a ripple effect,not only benefiting communities,
but it changes the society as awhole.
I think, and it's so importantthat seeing strong, kind,
(10:09):
responsible men who take care oftheir mental well-being pick up
so they can embody thesequalities and contribute to a
better world.
So it's so important that we dosee men who do that, and I hope
that I raise my son to be theman who does that when he's
older and where people can feelsafe and they can heal from the
environment instead of fightingbattles in the environment that
(10:32):
he creates.
So that's something that I wantto hopefully do with my little
guy.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Which I think you're already doing, because the
formative years are the yearswhere we imprint on the next
generation how they will be asthey grow up.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
And so the first seven years.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
isn't that what they say in childhood development
theory?
These are the most importantyears, and you are spending this
very precious time imprintingon your son all these positive
values of resilience, of respect, of strength, of vulnerability
as well.
And so well done to you as aparent, because I know, when you
know, 22 years ago when I hadmy first child, I wasn't that
(11:14):
conscious as a parent.
I knew I wanted to do betterand I wanted to be a good mother
, but I didn't have that kind ofperspective or you know the
access to resources at that time.
It was more like you know, youbuy the baby book from the
bookstore that tells you youknow how to manage a child when
they cry, how to get them tosleep, those sorts of things,
(11:36):
but you know, we don't reallytalk about building the mental
health of the child.
you know how to teach the childto be resilient and kind and
respectful, how to role modelthat, and so I think for many
generations, for many of us,we've just grown up absorbing
whatever was imprinted or taughtto us or conditioned in us as
(11:57):
children and that's our defaultpattern.
So to be able to actuallyconsciously pause and ask
ourselves is this still the kindof parenting pattern that I
want to perpetuate?
Is this how I want to raise mychild?
Do I want to do better.
How do I do better?
What do I need to be doingdifferently?
How do I need to be differentas a person?
(12:17):
And then, as a parent.
So I think you are way, wayahead.
So I think you are way, wayahead no-transcript to set that
goal or that intention foryourself, to choose to be that
kind of a conscious parentmaking those decisions.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yeah and I think the world has evolved so much as
well.
Um, I guess the time that youraised your children is
different to the time that I'mraising, and if my son chooses
to have a family, he'll beraising his children a different
way.
I think the time has evolved andwe just have to evolve with it
and equip ourselves withresources instead of being
(13:01):
learning from what has taught tous, which is good, but there is
always added resources that wecan take in to better equip our
children.
And there's a quote that I readsomeone that you raise is the
most important um, um thing thatyou can leave behind in this
earth, as opposed to any othercontribution that you may,
(13:22):
because they can have suchprofound impact later on.
So, um, yeah, as you said,definitely, um, there is more
resources available now, uh, toequip parents and caregivers and
guardians to, um, I guess,bring up children.
So, yeah, time has changed andit's wonderful and it's
important that even my mom, whenshe was reading my book, she
(13:45):
said, if I had this like 30years ago, I think I would have
done a better job.
And I said having what you hadback then, you did do a good job
.
So now it's, the torch is on meto teach my son to be a better
parent if he ever chooses to be.
So I think that's what it'sabout here.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
I think that's a very important point you've raised
there, Deborah, because a lot ofparents have this sense of
guilt.
The ones that do have goodintentions, are trying their
best but still feel that theyare not doing a good enough job.
And sometimes, you know, wehave these episodes with our
children, where they are maybemisbehaving.
They are acting out at school.
(14:24):
They're having somedifficulties and as parents, we
wonder you know, where did I gowrong?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
So I think that element there that you mentioned
of self-compassion,self-forgiveness and also
knowing that you did your bestat the time, you made the best
decisions you could at the timeunder the circumstances that you
faced, and now, knowing better,we do better, exactly yes.
So I just want to encourageanyone who's listening to be
(14:52):
gentle with yourself, too as youreflect on your own parenting
journey, because no parent isperfect.
Even if there was a parentingmanual out there, we would still
not get it right 100% of thetime.
It's just because we're humanand every child and every adult
is different.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Yeah, and society?
Yeah, exactly, and the societyplays an important role in
shaping the child as well.
You can only equip childrenwith the resources and knowledge
and skills that they need tobetter handle life, but you
cannot control the characterthat they are or the person that
they are.
So that's something that.
And if things do fall apart,just remember that you equip
(15:29):
them with the right resourcesand they will fall back to those
resources at some point andcome back and look at things
differently.
But you just need to, as I said, just be kind to yourself and
just to be gentle.
Yeah to the way that you doparents.
That's correct.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
And while you're on the topic of resources, and you
know, a supportive environmentas a society are current support
systems and protectionssufficient?
Why or why not?
Speaker 2 (16:00):
That's a really good question.
I think, with the supportsystem that is around at the
moment, there is still so muchthat can change.
In my view, and especially whenI found out through the book
that I was writing as well thereis so mandatory, I guess,
community services or anycounselling that they go through
(16:21):
during that time.
It's usually they go throughthe system, they go through
(16:44):
courts and they get released andthen they go back into that
situation again and they mightbe acting out because of the
home environment.
I think our system needs tolook into each child more and
reframe how we can actually helpchildren who are in that system
, for example, by encouragingthem to go to counselling,
(17:07):
working with their parents tosee how the home environment can
change, so it can support andrehabilitate children to be
better adults as well.
And another thing that Ithought of is so it can support
and rehabilitate children to bebetter adults as well.
And another thing that Ithought of is when it comes to
issues of domestic and familyviolence.
(17:27):
I think there should bemandatory counselling, substance
rehabilitation centres wherethe person has to go through
that before they can have accessto children, where they can
have access to children, ormandatory parenting class that
the person can go through,because such things are not
there at the moment which canhave a profound impact, because
what happens is they go throughthe legal system and then they
get out and most likely they'recontinuing the behaviour, which
(17:50):
can impact the children andfamily later on.
So there needs to be a lot ofwork that still needs to be done
.
And schools, for example,victoria has started this
project where they're talkingabout mental health resilience
and domestic violence preventionfrom a young age.
I think that should, and it'sonly in some schools, but I
think it should be across allschools so children from a young
(18:12):
age do, because we need toremember that not all children
have a home environment wherethey're taught that.
So schools taking onaccountability and government
taking on that accountability toteach the children, that's a
huge resource.
So I think that should bemandatory.
They're trialling it out, buthopefully it'll become mandatory
(18:33):
across all schools later on aswell.
And even workplaces there arelittle, I guess, are you okay?
Days, and I guess for Women'sDay, those little days where we
do talk about this, but I thinkthere should be some kind of
mandatory training or somethingthat's done at work so workers
(18:57):
are aware of it so we can lookout for each other.
So those little things.
There is a lot more systematicimprovement that we can do, but
I guess it needs to start withus as individuals being able to
advocate for mental healthawareness and domestic violence
prevention.
So at every conversation, takingthat extra time to make sure
(19:19):
the people around us are okayand making having deep and
meaningful conversation insteadof just brushing off and, I
guess, calling out behaviours ifit is looking wrong or
incorrect, that's important aswell.
Like there are so many timeswhen I look back where I see men
or partners talking about theother partner in a offensive way
(19:43):
or a rude way and they laugh itoff.
But in reality, when you lookback, I'm thinking, hang on,
I've never seen them complimentthat partner or say something
good.
So if this is something that'shappening in a public space,
what's happening at home?
And especially when you do thatin front of your children,
degrade your partner or themother of your child or the
(20:04):
father of your child, your childgrows up thinking that it's
okay to accept that behaviour ordo that behaviour on their
partner in the future.
So those little changes that wecreate in our environment in
ourselves that will have aripple effect in the society,
but with society, I thinkthere's a lot more systemic
(20:25):
change that we need to do to bewhere we are when it comes to
mental health, resilience anddomestic violence prevention.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I wonder if all the problems that we are
experiencing at the individual,the family and the society level
is because we see all thesethings as disconnected from
ourselves or we don't seeourselves as connected to other
people and so we have thisconcept of, you know, don't air
(20:57):
your dirty laundry, right?
So whatever happens within thehome stays in the home and
probably, you know, some adultswould encourage, discourage the
children from speaking outbecause those are private
matters, they are family matters.
They should be solved withinthe family.
There should not be strangers,you know, intervening, not even
(21:21):
the school.
So I'm sure there are.
You know there are cultureslike that, where all this is
considered very shameful, toeven to mention it to someone
else who is not in the family,to ask for help, to even go to
counselling.
I know someone who finds itvery difficult to seek therapy
for their own issues becausethey find it such a burden to
(21:44):
talk about it.
You know it's likere-traumatising them, but it
also brings a sense of shamethat they are a certain age as a
mature adult and they stillfeel that they have to ask for
help.
It doesn't sit well for them.
So.
So you know how would someonedeal with that, and I imagine it
would be a lot more.
(22:04):
You know, based on what wetalked about, that, that men and
boys would find that a biggerproblem.
Women, I think, have less of aproblem opening up and asking
for help.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
That's a really good question, I think, speaking up.
Definitely it is difficult forpeople in the situation where
they don't feel supported,because the family environment
should be something that theycan seek support and grow from.
So when it comes to mentalhealth, resilience and domestic
(22:38):
violence prevention, it doeshave to start from a young age.
But in order for that to start,we need to make sure that we
can heal from our own trauma.
Just being aware of that andaccessing resources where we can
look at ourselves and spend alittle bit of time to see if we
are doing the right things asparents and caregivers is so
(22:59):
important.
A lot of people become parentswithout being ready to evolve
into better people.
You need to retrain the waythat you're raised and the way
that you see society in order toraise children.
In my point, even if you're notready, you need to be ready to
evolve into that person.
A lot of people just uh, it's.
(23:21):
A lot of people think that itis a, it's a, I guess, a
societal um uh lineage, how it'sbeen done.
This is what you should do.
You know you have kids, getmarried, do this this way, but
sometimes you don't have to dothings the way that it has been
taught to you.
You need to be like, havechildren when you are ready to
do that.
(23:41):
And when it comes to not havingthe supportive environment,
just remember that vulnerabilityis a strength and you deserve a
better life.
If something is not happening toyou that is unfair or if you're
being treated wrong, it is okayto seek help and support and
overcome that adversity and beresilient.
If you're a perpetrator who isdoing that behaviour, just know
(24:04):
that it is wrong, because thefamily is the most important, I
guess, company or corporatestructure that you are living in
every single day.
So it's important that youprovide a safe environment for
every single person that isliving in that family
environment.
And it is when you look at Ithink social media is another
(24:27):
factor that it's always a happyscene that you see every single
day.
So it doesn't allow you tospeak about any issues that are
happening to you.
So people think that you needto hide your emotions or any
issues that you're going throughat home instead of talking
about it.
But it is okay to talk aboutissues and situation and, as
(24:51):
parents, if you have made anymistakes, so if there there is
room for improvement, there isprofessional help out there for
you to seek the support andchange, and it may be because of
your unhealed trauma thatyou're behaving in that
particular way, or your ownupbringing or your own view of a
(25:11):
situation that may have led tothe way that you're behaving.
But there is always theopportunity to change and become
a better person.
But there is always theopportunity to change and become
a better person.
So that's what you need to see,and family support is so
important.
So the only way that we canchange the way that we create a
safe space is for ourselves toheal and become better
individuals.
Unless we do that, it's reallyhard to create that safe
(25:35):
environment for families.
I believe yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
So we're looking at this from a micro perspective as
to what the individual can do,and what you're talking about is
self-responsibility that growsout of self-awareness.
So as soon as you become awarethat something is not right or
something could be better, or Icould be better, then it's up to
us to make that change fromourselves, because we can't
(26:01):
control what other people do andwe maybe, you know we can't
control the external environmentvery much but we can certainly
control ourselves and we candecide how we want to be.
And then the problem thenbecomes yes, I am exerting my
own positive ripples, but I amone person.
How do I influence the peoplearound me, as well as the wider
(26:25):
structure, the organization Ibelong to, the school that my
children go to?
How do I influence so that morepeople are able to access this
kind of support and startempowering themselves,
empowering their own familiesand changing the system, because
the system is the hardest oneto change.
(26:46):
It just feels like this big,amorphous, non-human entity that
has so much power and influencein our daily lives.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
I think one of the things that we can do is lead by
example.
So show consistency betweenyour words and your actions so
people can see what's happeningand handle situations with grace
and honesty.
So it can inspire other peoplea little bit at a time, and I
(27:17):
think you can collaborate withother people who are already
empowering and leading change,and that allows you to advocate
for the things that you believein.
And another situation is, Ithink, be a source of positivity
(27:38):
.
Maintain positive attitude andapproach challenges with
optimism.
Maintain positive attitude andapproach challenges with
optimism.
There will be opportunitieswhere you can give your feedback
and your thoughts.
For example, if a school isrunning some kind of workshop,
have a chat to the school andsee how you can positively
contribute to that workshop orencourage the school to take
(28:01):
part in it.
And I think it's so importantto share your knowledge and
expertise to guide others.
It doesn't have to be in a loudway.
It could be like in a littleblog writing or I write for the
west side of newspapers.
For anyone who may find itinteresting to read about these
topics, there's always podcastsor radio shows that you can
listen to, that you can connectwith them and share your views
(28:23):
as well.
Just, I think more important ishaving that connection and
being able to stay open tolearning and be willing to learn
from others and share yourknowledge not only for your own
growth but hopefully to inspireothers as well and be consistent
and reliable.
So follow through yourcommitments, build trust and
(28:46):
credibility so you can continueto advocate for your, for what
you believe in and for thechange that you believe in.
And just don't think that yourvoice is not heard.
If there is anything that yousee or hear that is not right,
it's always important to callout that behaviour as well.
So the little changes that youcreate in everyday situation
(29:10):
people may see the changes thatyou're creating and approach you
for thoughts and feedback onhow you can contribute to that
particular.
I guess to be part of anorganization that may create a
change.
So it just starts with uhlittle changes that you create
every day so you can inspireothers in a meaningful way and
(29:32):
uh to reach their full potentialas well.
So, but the change starts withyou and then it goes on to uh
the way that you can contributeto other organizations or other
people and influence them in apositive way.
That's yeah, that's what Ithink, serena, I think.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
I picked up three strands there that are important
to amplify.
The first one you mentioned wasthe growth mindset, and that is
that we ourselves, as parents,as individuals, need to
continually stay open tolearning.
I think at the very beginningof this conversation, you also
talked about how the world hasevolved and we need to evolve
along with it.
(30:10):
And so sometimes, as parents, wecan get so busy, distracted,
weighed down by, you know,concerns.
It's the small, small thingsthat add up.
What am I going to cook fordinner tonight?
You know who's going to pick upthe child from childcare.
You know having to read aschool newsletter or be on the
app or the parents chat to findout what's the latest thing
that's happening.
(30:30):
What forms do I need to sign,what report needs to be
submitted.
It's all the weight of allthese little things.
But on top of that, then, tostill be able to say I want to
keep learning, I want to staycurious, I want to keep growing
as a person, as a parent, andthat means I need to be
investing in knowledge, I needto be reading what else is
(30:55):
happening, what are other peopledoing, what is the new theory
or something helpful that'sbeing shared?
And then you mentionedadvocating, but with integrity,
meaning that we are walking ourtalk.
We need to be that role model.
First, we need to be tidying upour own internal you know our
own internal messes.
(31:16):
You know healing ourselves,doing that inner work, and then,
from that place of integrity,we're able to advocate for
others in a stronger way,because then, when we speak,
we're actually speaking from aplace of I've done this work.
That's why I can talk about it.
I'm not just telling otherpeople to do things that I'm not
myself practicing, because thatcomes from a place of
(31:39):
non-integrity.
So those, I think, are reallyimportant.
And then I think you mentionedalso the being able to influence
or partner with, collaboratewith others, and that's
amplifying our personal power,because by ourselves we may
think, you know, my voice is soquiet or I'm just one person.
(31:59):
But when we partner with otherpeople who are walking that same
journey, thinking the samethoughts, aspiring to the same
sorts of goals, then I thinkthere is great power.
And that's why the village isso important.
We're not meant to do thingsalone or to live alone or to
solve problems alone.
The village is there to supportevery person and we are part of
(32:22):
that village.
We are also contributing tomaking that village stronger.
So you raise some really goodpoints there.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Thank you, Serena.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
So if you could wave a magic wand, Deborah, and
change anything, what would thatbe?
Speaker 2 (32:39):
If I could wave a magic wand, I think I would
create a world where mentalhealth care is free and
universally accessible foreveryone and, I think, where
children grow up learningempathy, respect and conflict
resolutions which can eradicatefamily and domestic violence.
Later on, when I was writing mybook, there was a research that
(33:03):
was done in 2006 by Anda andsome experts.
They show that interventions inchildhood significantly reduces
violence and improve mentalhealth and outcomes in adulthood
.
So I think those are the twofactors that I would bring in,
if I have a magic wand, to surethat every that we can break
(33:24):
that generational cycle ofviolence, to better equip
children to be better adults andas and of course, society's
evolving so much and things arechanging.
But I think these are the twothings that I would bring
universally accessible mentalhealth care and also a better
(33:44):
environment for children to growup so they can be better
individuals growing up.
So these are the two thingsthat I would bring.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Fantastic.
And as our listeners are mostlyintroverts, what are your
thoughts on the connectionbetween introversion and how we
grew up?
Speaker 2 (34:01):
Sure, I think when we look at introverts, society too
often labels them a certain waylike disengaged, but in reality
, if you look at a lot ofintroverts, they are the deep
thinkers, they're the creatorsand they're the people who feel
reality better than the rest ofus.
And a lot of introverts bringcalm to chaos, and they do
(34:25):
listen deeply and they see theworld in a different way.
So I think if you're listeningtoday, you felt defined by your
quiet nature.
I want to tell you you actuallyhave a superpower and when it
comes to mental health advocacyand family violence prevention,
you can be someone who can havethe tools to help others heal
(34:47):
and grow.
For example, being an introvert, you can create a safe
emotional space for someone tohave a conversation with you
because you have betterlistening skills and you can
support that person when itcomes to the way that they
express what's happening to themand practice assertiveness.
(35:08):
Introverts often avoidconfrontation, so, but setting
specific boundaries can allowothers to express their needs in
situations where they feel safe, because you will always be
someone who is able to practiceassertiveness in situations as
well.
And I think introverts canreflect on their nature by
(35:34):
identifying patterns in theirfamily history.
By understanding these patterns, they can take conscious steps
to create a more stable andpositive environment for their
own family as well.
Because they're deep thinkers,they do analyse the situation
much better than other people.
So being an introvert whileadvocating for family and
domestic violence can be awonderful opportunity for people
(35:57):
to find strength in theirquietness and break down the
cycle of violence and introverts.
I think they also have theability to work behind the
scenes with advocacy byexcelling in research, for
example, writing or creatingawareness through blogs or
social media or other platforms,where they don't have to have
(36:19):
that face-to-face interaction,but their creativity and writing
skills can have such a profoundimpact.
So that's something that, ifyou are interested in this field
of advocacy, you can do as well.
And I think it's so importantto focus on the quality over
quantity.
So introverts often prefersmaller, deeper engagements
(36:41):
instead of larger gatherings.
So this approach can lead tolong-lasting in a close knit
communities or individualsrather than the bigger impacts.
And also you can buildconnections and networking with
people who like to speak up andbut show your support by doing
(37:02):
any other work behind the scenesto advocate for mental health
awareness and domestic violenceprevention.
So there's so much that you cando with your introversion, and
I have a friend who grew up in aconflict environment who felt
that her quietness was actuallynot a strength, but growing up
(37:22):
she realised that she has a lotof skills where she can bring to
the society.
In fact, being quiet is herstrength.
So introversion is not aboutlimitation, it's a gift.
Where you're raising a family,you're pursuing your dreams or
simply trying to heal from thepast, your ability can really
reflect, listen and grow as astrength, and it's something
(37:43):
that the world needs in thiscurrent situation.
I think you can be an introvertand contribute so much to the
society.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Thank you so much, Deborah, for that.
Tell us more about your bookRaising Resilient Families what
inspired you to write it, who toread it and where can people
get a copy?
Speaker 2 (38:04):
so, uh.
So my book, um, it's a deeplypersonal exploration of breaking
generational cycle of traumaand um the importance of raising
children with empathy andresilience.
And I started writing um moreum as a therapeutic outlet and I
thought, um, I was looking intohow I can become a better
parent as well and I realizedthere's not a book that handles
(38:28):
mental health awareness anddomestic violence prevention
together.
And, through my therapist, Istarted writing little
paragraphs which turned intochapters and this incredible
book and it's based onevidence-based research covering
each chapter.
And then there are littlepractical tools that parents,
(38:49):
educators and community leaderscan foster to um that's in that
book, um into their everydaylife as well.
And uh, with the book RaisingResilient Family, I had someone
who one asked me um, it saysRaisinging Brazilian Family, so
is the book for families?
So that was a good question Forfamily.
(39:09):
It doesn't have to.
When we look at the familyformat, it doesn't have to be
the traditional mom, dad andchildren.
Household.
Family has evolved so much.
It could be a single parenthousehold or a household where
grandparents or uncles and auntsstep in as carers or same-sex
parents raising children.
So the household has evolved somuch and the community is a
(39:30):
family when you think about it,when you, when my son goes to
daycare, so that daycare is partof the family that is helping
me raise my son.
So family is about connection,support and love, regardless of
how the structure is.
So that's why I named the bookRaising Brazilian Families to
celebrate these diverse families, break the cycles of domestic
(39:50):
violence and advocate for mentalhealth.
And I think a positive familyunit doesn't have to.
It doesn't reflect who's in it.
It it's more the um, how thefamily is, um how much care,
love and support that it umgives to the child so they can
(40:11):
grow up to be stronger andhealthy individuals in the
society.
And I hope that this book um isa call of action and it does
inspire individuals andorganization, educators and
caregivers or anyone who plays arole in shaping a child, to be
more empowered about their owndecisions me, be more empathetic
(40:32):
and be more accountable withtheir own healing, so they can
be better role models.
And this book is available onamazon online and booktopia as
well, and you can also directlymessage me on Instagram or
Facebook to get it at adiscounted price.
Speaker 1 (40:50):
Beautiful.
Thank you so much, and ofcourse we'll attach all those
links in the show notes as well.
Now my final question to youfor today, deborah, because this
podcast is called the QuietWarrior Podcast.
What is a quiet warrior to you?
Speaker 2 (41:05):
For me, I see a quiet warrior as a person who they
don't wear armor and they don'tcharge at a battle.
They're someone who fightsbattles in a silent but
resilient and compassionate wayand they lead by example,
advocating for change in waysthat ripple through families and
communities in a quiet way.
(41:26):
And a quiet warrior is someonewho chooses to listen before
they speak.
And we live in a world wherestigma often silences those
struggling with mental healthchallenges or domestic violence.
So for too long, I think,victims have felt trapped in
shame, unable to share theirstories.
But awareness starts withacknowledgement, so it
(41:48):
recognises that mental healthisn't a weakness and domestic
violence is never justified.
And I think, being a quietwarrior, you can challenge
harmful cycles, especially infamilies, by teaching children
empathy, respect andaccountability.
So a quiet warrior could besomeone who's a mother who's
teaching their child thevulnerability of strength in a
(42:10):
quiet environment.
A quiet warrior could be afriend who's supporting someone
in a toxic, calm relationship,as I've said before, by being a
listening ear, by taking downthe knots and giving them the
resources that they need tohopefully get out of that
situation that they're in.
A quiet warrior could besomeone who is working behind
(42:32):
the scenes in the community byoffering resources to those who
are in need.
So in my own life as well, Ifound that healing through
advocacy is so important.
So I think being a quiet warriorit doesn't mean that you fight
alone.
It's about inspiring others tojoin the movement, step by step,
one conversation at a time, bytaking small actions, so those
(42:58):
small actions can lead to morestronger communities.
And and if you're listeningtoday, I encourage you to think
about how you can be a quietwarrior in your life for
whatever advocacy, whateverthings that you believe in, and
just remember that you canextend a hand to someone
struggling or teach yourchildren values that counteract
(43:20):
violence and stigma, or advocatefor mental health resources in
your workplace or community bybeing in that one-on-one setting
, by being a quiet warrior whois advocating for change.
And your quiet strength doesmatter, and every step that you
take towards mental healthawareness and domestic violence
prevention, it can make a hugedifference to someone, because
(43:43):
they may need that quietstrength that you have and the
support that you're giving inorder to come out of that
situation or get help if theyare going through struggles, and
I think together we can raiseand foster hope and build a
future without violence with thestrength that Quiet Warriors
bring into our life every day.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Thank you so much, Deborah, for bringing your light
, your wisdom, your experienceand your perspective to the
Quiet Warrior podcast today andteaching us about how we can
improve and strengthenresilience and mental health and
that connection, I think,between ourselves and the
(44:28):
village and realizing that weare not alone but at the same
time, that even as individuals,we have so much to contribute,
so much that we can pass on,that we can teach others in the
same way that others are alsoteaching us, and so we are all
part of that collective villageof wisdom and there is hope and
(44:49):
there are plenty of resources,there's support out there but we
also do need to ask for thehelp that we need, and because
we're deserving of that help andwe're not meant to walk this
journey alone.
So thank you so much for comingtoday and for sharing with all
of us.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
Serena, and again thank you for the opportunity to
share about my book and myjourney, and I really admire the
way that you amplify voices andempower others, and it's such
an inspiring work that you'redoing.
So I'm grateful that I haveconnected with you and let's
continue to shine a light onthese issues and inspire
meaningful conversations in thefuture.
(45:28):
Thank you, serena, for theopportunity.
Speaker 1 (45:30):
Thank you, and that was another episode of the Quiet
Warrior podcast.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode, if you've learned
something from Deborah's story,please review and rate this
podcast on the listening appthat you're using, and I'll see
you on the next episode.
I'm so grateful that you'rehere today.
If you found this contentvaluable, please share it on
(45:53):
your social media channels andsubscribe to the show on your
favorite listening platform.
Together, we can help moreintroverts thrive.
To receive more upliftingcontent like this, connect with
me on Instagram at Serena LoQuiet Warrior Coach.
Thank you for sharing your timeand your energy with me.
See you on the next episode.
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