February 25, 2025 • 52 mins
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Are we doomed to repeat the relationship patterns we grew up with? Julie Cobos Hernández, mom of three and nurse, opens up about her journey of breaking free from chaotic relationship cycles and learning to build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
In this raw and eye-opening conversation with Reesa Morala, LMFT, Julie shares the steps she took to unlearn toxic relationship dynamics, heal from past trauma, and prioritize her mental health and emotional well-being—not just for herself, but for her children, too.
🍚 Plus! She shares her beloved family recipe for authentic Mexican Rice—because healing happens at the dinner table, too.
🌱 If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in unhealthy relationships or struggling to break generational patterns, this episode is for you. 🌱
📌 Save this episode to revisit when you need a reminder that change is possible.
💬 Have you worked to break a generational cycle? Share your experience in the comments!
Social media: Julie Hernandez
Credible Mind: https://crediblemind.com/
******
Authentic Mexican Rice
Credit: https://stellanspice.com/authentic-mexican-rice/
INGREDIENTS:
1 1/2 cups Mahatma® Rice Extra Long Grain White Rice
3 tbsp neutral oil
1/4 onion , diced
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 tbsp Knorr chicken bouillon
1/2 tsp garlic powder
2 roma tomatoes, (makes 8 oz tomato juice)
2 cups hot water
1/4 tsp salt, or to taste
3 sprigs cilantro
1 jalapeno
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Full instructions on link above.
******
Disclaimer:
Please note that the content shared on this podcast/YouTube channel is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional therapy or mental health services.
If you are facing a crisis, seek immediate help through emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
The opinions expressed by contributors are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of the platform.
******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I sought out men that were,you know, emotionally
(00:03):
unavailable because whenthey did give me attention,
it was like, woah, you know,that dopamine in my brain
was like, yes.
That’s what we want.
Hey everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
(00:24):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat, Hey, everyone,thank you for joining us today.
(00:49):
I have the lovely Julieback again, interviewing
with us today.
And I'm so very, very grateful.
And I see you back again becauseto be real, we had some
technical difficultieslast time, and Julie
was gracious enough to be ableto come back and let us try this
one more time.
So. Hi, Julie.
(01:09):
Thank you again for coming back.
No problem, no problem.
I understand.
Well, Julie, for anybodywho doesn't know you like I do,
you can introduce yourselffor us.
Yeah, sure.
My name's Julie Hernandez.
I'm 39 years old.
(01:29):
Mother of three.
Cat mom of three.
And, I've been a nurse for aboutover a decade.
But I have a lot ofdifferent hats that I've worn
in prior to that.
Yeah.
And a a full house with sixlittle things that you’re
taking care of all the time.
(01:52):
Just non-stop all the time,I imagine so.
And so before we kind ofjump into your story and
your recipe, which I'msuper excited about,
is there any, socialsthat you want to share with us
or any resources for ourshameless plug section that you
want to share to our audience?
(02:15):
Yeah, sure.
So I, I'm just, you know,a normal person on social media,
so you can always reach meif you have any questions or,
you know, just want to chitchat.
So, Julie Hernandez pretty much,well, social platforms, but,
one plug that I do want to placeis called Credible Minds.
(02:36):
Credible Mediacom.
They do a lot of preventionand early intervention on mental
services.
We through my work, we havethat platform attached
to our website, but you canreach them through credible mind
from anywhere.
Awesome.
And so through your work,what are some of the ways
(02:58):
that you partner with them?
How do they help out?
So we have we have them placedon our website.
And we also because wedeal directly with the community
on many different issues,you know, first come the news,
right?
We deal with them firstthe needs and then we kind of
(03:18):
throw in there.
By the way, we havethis resource on our website.
It's also a free resource.
So we just kind of throw thatin there.
So it's very helpful for ourcommunity who's uninsured or
underinsured, which, you know,it's very hard to get mental
health resources sometimes.
So just kind of lettingthem know you can reach it
(03:39):
through, our website or onlineand it's free for anyone.
Wonderful.
That's such an awesome resourcebecause you're absolutely right.
And that that spans just thewhole country, right, of maybe,
limited resources and being ableto kind of get connected in
that way, especially forour underserved populations.
(03:59):
Yeah.
So I love it.
Thank you so much for sharingthat with us.
And folks.
As always, we'll make surethat everything is linked
in our show notesso you can find all of those
resources, as well asthe socials down below.
So check that out.
Okay. Julie.
So what recipe are youteaching us today and why
did you choose this one?
(04:20):
So today's Mexican rice.
Some people call it the redMexican rice.
But it's just one ofthose staples in a Mexican
household.
Or, and, you know, thatI grew up in.
So it just brings back a lot of,you know, honest sounds
and a lot of nice childhoodfeelings.
(04:41):
And it's really easy to makeand it's very inexpensive to me.
So it's just something you canadd on to just about anything.
Yeah.
And I just want to plug that inexcept for an expensive
piece of it because, I normallytake my kids with me to grocery
shop as well.
And we like, you know,to keep them engaged
(05:01):
because that that's what worksbest for our house.
We do like a guessing game of,you know, what is my total going
to be?
And they weren't blown awayby the the smaller number.
You know, we were under$10 whenwe were buying all of this.
And so they were justlike, really?
That's. Yeah.
So you know.
(05:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
So I would echo that absolutelykind of more on the
economical side.
So that's really awesome.
Okay.
So tell me what the stepsare for this and I'll get
things going while we chat.
For sure.
I mean, so it depends.
You can make your own house,you can buy sauce, you can blend
(05:46):
it.
So what I did was blendtomatoes, onions together with
some water.
You can add some saltand seasoning and then you blend
it together.
Or you can just put tomatoesand then it's really up to you.
Just kind of depends onpreference really.
And when you do thatyeah you aren't ready and you're
(06:07):
kind of getting everything elseright.
You're pan your rice okay.
Perfect.
So should I saute kind ofthe onions in here in the pan
first.
You can do something.
You can do.
Yeah.
I prefer to saute onions.
It just brings the flavora little bit.
(06:27):
Yeah.
Okay. Perfect.
And then once I've got that alland then I, then I use my sauce,
to put my rice in firstand kind of get that toasty.
So yeah.
You want to actually you wantto brown your rice a little bit.
You just kind of want to stir itwith the oil in there
and just kind of brown.
It just a little bit perfect.
(06:49):
And then once I know we havesome people rinse the rice,
you don't have to use.
Okay.
So it's each zone for for therinsing part.
And then so after it's niceand brown.
That's when we add the lastokay perfect.
And then we just cook thatfor you. Yeah.
(07:11):
And then you just wantto kind of continuously
just to kind of keep an eyeon it.
Okay.
Wonderful.
Well that sounds prettystraightforward.
I can do that.
Not a problem.
So while I'm doing that, though,I know that one of the stories
that you were so graciouslywilling to kind of share with us
is a little bit about yourjourney.
(07:33):
As far as even just on themental health side and dealing
with, you know, relationshipsthat were maybe not necessarily
the peak of health that youwere kind of looking for.
And so I'd love to kind of hearmore about that, walk us through
kind of what you've experiencedand some of that, that journey.
(07:53):
Yeah.
I just want to prefacethis with, you know, I'm
the kind of person that I just,I believe that all humans are
innately good.
And, you know, nobody, nobodygoes into a relationship,
you know, wanting to beheard or laugh or anything
like that.
So just just like to.
Yeah, absolutely.
(08:16):
Yeah.
I, I'm a single mother of three.
I am in a relationship.
I'm partnered at the moment,that, you know, I was single for
a few years.
But I, my three kids havedifferent fathers.
And that was kind of eachrelationship was different.
(08:38):
It was challenging.
But it's one of those things,You don't need until you're in,
you know, until, you know,kind of, you know, situations.
But with my daughter'sfather, we were very
young. It was, you know, one ofthose things where I
(09:03):
would not say volatile,but it's just one of
those things where you, I,I remember someone telling me
that you find partners.
Sometimes you search forpartners that are similar to the
relationships you sawwhen you were a child.
Or maybe you partners.
(09:23):
It kind of reminds youof your father.
For me, in my instance,you know, I was like, oh,
I don't know what they'retalking about.
There's a guy, Holden,I reflected on, you know, about,
you know, all my relationships.
I'm like, oh yeah, that'syou might not be completely
oh, wow.
You know? Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
(09:44):
Because I'm looking backespecially, you know,
with my oldest daughter,her father was a lot
like my father growing up.
So it's just very interesting,you know, you know, going into
therapy and, opening theseboxes up and kind of like, oh,
that's interesting.
You know, qualities that,you know, growing up,
(10:05):
I was that, you know, maybe notsuper attentive.
My, you know, father.
And then I realized certainqualities that I see in
man that I, you know, gravitatetowards.
And I have to be much more awareof what I'm doing when it comes
to relationships and think,I'm so curious for you,
(10:27):
at least in your experience,why do you think that that
is something that you were drawnto personally?
And so I, you know, I wishI knew, I, I think, you know,
and it goes again, I spentmany years again and just like,
why do I do this?
I don't understand why I'mdoing this.
(10:48):
And it's the relationshipsor the type of parenting,
the fact that the child,you know, my parents are
immigrants, they're firstgeneration, you know, they're
from Mexico and, you know,we all know parenting is
very different, you know,in different generations,
(11:11):
but especially in immigrantcountries, it's a lot
different than what we knowof today.
And, you know, you have togive them grace.
They were not parenting.
Well, you know, they weretreated as, you know,
child labor pretty much.
And, you know, my parentswere doing the best they could,
but they did not know howto have patience with us.
(11:35):
It was the tension, the waywe needed it.
So it was one of those thingswhere, you know, I sought out
men that were, you know,emotionally unavailable
because when they didn't give meattention, it was like, well,
you know that.
Don't it was like you say so.
And then, yeah, they would pullaway.
I would just, you know,it was just an interesting
(12:00):
dynamic.
And I didn't realize ituntil later.
Like, I don't like therelationship.
I with my parents very busyworking very hard, you know.
But they're busy.
They're working several jobs.
And then when I didn'tget attention from them,
it was just like thathit your brain as a child.
So when you grow up like,you know, you seek out
(12:20):
relationships like that,and then you end up in
a relationship that's likethis one.
Where are the only.
And this is weird.
Like, I don't know what to dowith this.
Yeah, absolutely.
And that makes a ton of sense.
I feel like I've, I've workedwith several, you know, parents
who say, you know, somethingsimilar where it's this is what
(12:42):
you know.
And so that's kind ofwhat you're used to, what you're
comfortable in.
And so then, like you said,when you see it in others,
it's like, oh yeah,this is kind of what love
looks like, right?
This is this is what I know.
This is what I've been kindof seeing as far as that
demonstration of what lovelooks like.
So yeah, this makes sense versuslike you said, when you have
something different, it's like,oh yeah, this is it.
(13:05):
This is strange.
You know, what's what'sthe what?
Yeah.
I still remember thatthat thought going crossing
through my mind when I waswith my father, my second child,
my, this is, like different.
This is interesting.
Granted, there is alot of things that we also,
(13:25):
you know, have to work on ourcommunication was barely
there was more than what I wasused to.
But there's still a lotof things that we have to work
that, we have since, you know,divorce.
But it's very amicable.
We we've grown again,and we both come to therapy
and we realize what went wrongin our relationship, but
(13:46):
we get along really wellfor our son.
And it's just, one of thoserelationships I'm very proud of
to have.
And I'm like, you know what?
The marriage for that chapter,but this new chapter, you know,
this friendship, we can havethis partnership in our person.
You know, it's positivebecause we realized
what was wrong with thattherapy.
(14:08):
We worked on things.
And, you know, we've matured andit works out really well now.
But yeah.
Yeah, it's definitely one ofI had one of those moments
where I was like, wow, this isthis is interesting.
This is kind of boring,you know, that those were
the words that came outof my mouth.
I'm like, okay, that way.
But yeah, you're used to chaos.
(14:30):
You know, that's kind ofwhat you're bringing.
You know, as a child, it'sso important when you're raised
like that.
That's what your wiringis made up and and to
change that as an adult,it takes a lot of work and like
it's possible, but it's,you know, it takes
a lot of work, a lot ofconsistency.
And, yeah, it's justinteresting how that wiring
(14:50):
as a child affects you all,all of your relationships
and all.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I imagine, you know,and correct me if I'm wrong,
but it's it's not necessarilysomething that your parents
were aware of.
So it wasn't something kind ofintentionally as far as that,
that wiring, but more that,you know, when there's that lack
(15:11):
of awareness, that lackof knowledge that it sounds
like now having been in thesethings, like you said, years
of therapy, of of learningand almost having to like it
sounds like real learningand also repairing yourself in
a way, that, you know, you wereable to kind of have that
insight that versuswhen you're in it and you don't
(15:33):
know anything different, you'renot necessarily seeking out
or being taught anythingdifferent.
I imagine it's not somethingin the forefront, and it's
definitely not for thesame person.
But I feel like, anyonecan do it.
Is those things again, withconsistency and you, anyone can
(15:54):
do it.
It's hard.
It's.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm gonna say, oh,you know, it's so easy
to just show up to therapyand it just magically happens.
It's it's a lot of you taketwo steps forward, a step back,
you know, so I always it's,you know, it's it's difficult,
but it's, it's so worth itespecially, you know, for me
(16:14):
personally, just with my kidsjust knowing that I'm, I'm able
to raise them in a different waythan what I was raised in a more
positive atmosphere.
And don't get me wrong, it'snot perfect.
I try to show them, butthey don't.
Child, sometimes Iwhat I'm saying is I'm trying
(16:38):
really hard.
The words that are coming out ofmy mouth, for instance,
listen to them.
Yeah.
It's like, oh.
So you speak to a wallsometimes, too.
I know the feeling that often.
And then you take them inthough to I feel like
at least my I can'tspeak for mine.
(16:59):
You take them to the doctorand they do the hearing tests,
you know, and they sayit's fine.
It's like, yeah, oh yeah.
It's like again, maybe it'smy workstation.
My voice is two to me.
It's it's out of there.
So, right.
Oh wait, I did thatthat register.
(17:23):
Excellent.
But, I, I that's actuallya perfect Segway because I was
going to ask you, do you findor have you found this far
that some of the strugglesthat you're seeing kind of on
the relationship side, was thatimpacting your children at all?
Was there something that you didin order to kind of
contain that?
(17:43):
What did that journey looklike for you?
Yeah, I was very aware, at leastwhen things were getting maybe
the culture needed.
I trying not to argueor just things for my kids.
I know some people think, oh no,they should be, you know, open
(18:04):
to a lot of emotions and Iyes, that's true.
But at the same time, I knewI just had this intuition in me
that I was like, I don't wantto talk like this or discuss
certain things around my kidsor certain behavior.
So it was a lot of itwas this hyper awareness of,
I really don't want my children.
(18:24):
You know, when I was a kid,I would hear the arguments
and things like that.
You know, they would argue a lotwould be hard not to raise my
kids.
Now I raise my voice, you know,because I try very hard not to
raise these.
Yeah.
This one thing is an educator,a therapist.
And you said, you know,try to limit raising your voice
(18:45):
because you raise your voicewhen there's an emergency.
So if you're constantly raisingyour voice and then there is
an emergency, they're notgoing to react to that.
So for me, I am going to just,you know, even if I have to
take a five secondbreather and be like, okay,
all right.
We're not going to. Yeah.
So yeah, being awareof being aware of my the way
(19:07):
I speak, what I say,even my body language, with with
partners and with my kids, I tryto be very aware of that,
and try to keep them awayfrom any heated discussions
and anything you can't,you know, protect them 100%.
You know, even trying to doyour best, I think that's
(19:28):
important.
Just, you know, again,just being aware of situations
or distractions.
But when your voice is aroundyour kids, your body
language and a lot ofthat negative or very aggressive
things, that it happensaway from them, I don't
want them to know.
I don't want them to have to gothrough that.
But I do have them, you know,we're humans.
(19:51):
Strong feelings is okay.
And sometimes I think it's okayto be mad.
It's not okay to see me.
And words as that includesyour hands on other people.
That's not okay.
It's very okay to be mad.
Yeah.
And what I love about that,because I think sometimes
just as a society, societyin general, we kind of
(20:12):
confuse the two in the sense of,you know, oh, they're having
a bad day.
So, you know, it's okaythat they talk to me
in this way, or it's okay thatthey do these things versus
being able to kind of teasethe two out, which it
sounds like you're workinghard to do it with your kids,
where the emotion that that'sabsolutely natural and you are
(20:35):
absolutely entitled to haveyour emotions, the behaviors
that you choose when you'rehaving those emotions
are the things that we dohave a choice in.
And so you have a choiceof whether or not you want
to speak to somebodyin that way, or like you
said, put hands on somebody inthat way, or you can choose
something different.
And just because you're havingit sounds like a big emotion.
(20:57):
That might be overwhelmingdoesn't mean that it's it's just
a free pass to kind of behave orchoose behaviors that you
want to do just because.
Yeah, I tell them, you know,my son or family, it's okay
if you're saying it's okayif that's bothering you.
It's not okay to put yourhands on someone that is
(21:19):
not okay.
And I'm going to need youto step away.
You need to go to your roomand very much, do you need
a break?
I think children do.
I need a break?
You know, you need five minutes.
My daughter is almost four.
She knows her room by herself.
She knows when she'soverstimulated.
She knows when she's just overbeing around us.
(21:41):
And I hear her walk away.
Close the door.
She needs five minutes, andshe comes back and she's fine.
And, you know, my partner,he saw that recently.
He's just like, havethese, like, I barely know
when to step away.
I'm like, I'm telling you, like,sometimes I listen,
I guess, but, you know,I teach them, you know,
(22:02):
if you're very big emotion andyou feel like you're not going
to be able to, you know,keep your hands to yourself
or not, you know, thenstep away.
It's okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I also heard you mentionthat you for yourself
in, you know, when youwere talking about making sure
(22:23):
to kind of be mindful of your,your voice and the level
of, volume, if you will,that you mentioned that
sometimes it does take you know,hey, let me step over here,
take some take some deep breathsso I can come back to that.
Is that a skill that you justinnately have or has that
(22:43):
taken work?
Well that.
That has taken where my brain.
I was very, you know, when I wasyounger, I left, you know,
it was one of those thingsthat was, well, toxic.
Whatever you want to say.
But when I would go into anargument with someone,
a part of you, it wasalmost like, yes, let's
(23:07):
get into this.
I'm going to do this with you.
And then, like, as I got older,I was like, no, I don't want
to do that.
I don't like the consequences ofwhen I see things,
when I'm angry, you know?
I don't like I make people feel.
I don't like how that made myrelationship.
I don't I don't like how I feltafter that.
(23:29):
Yeah.
So again, it's this justawareness.
And it's anything in life,whether it's mental health,
physical health, you know,that has to do with your
relationships and job, but youhave to have some sort
of intention.
You have to have consistency.
It's not easy and nobody'sperfect.
I still it's not you know, I'mnot under there, but I try
(23:50):
my very best when there'san argument or there's
something going on likeI'm going to step away.
Yeah, I'm going to say somethingyou don't really mean.
And it's, you know, it's fromthis old behavior.
And I'm just I mean, I'm in it.
And I have to again with mypartner, you know?
632 I'm not walkingaway from you.
(24:11):
I'm not ignoring thissuspension.
But I know myself and I knowthat I need to step away.
Just give me five minutes.
We'll come back.
We'll circle back.
But right now, I need tostep away.
Yeah, I need to know to separatemyself from this at the moment.
And I can tell I can physically.
(24:31):
I can tell when I'm gettingthere.
I can, you know, I can hearthe monologue in my head.
I can see how my bodyis reacting.
And I'm like, well, I needsome way.
And what I love about whatyou said is that it sounds like
you are also workingreally hard to, to communicate
with your partner kind of aheadof time.
(24:53):
Maybe not in the heatof the moment, but hey, when,
when I do step away, when I doneed to take that time
out, it's not, you know,a reflection on on you.
It's not, you know, necessarilybecause I'm walking,
like you said, walking awayfrom you. I'm.
I want to walk towards you.
And right now I can, you know,in a way that I want to show up.
(25:15):
That sounds like it's reallyimportant to you.
And so because of that, I'm, I'mchoosing to kind of take this
this time.
And it sounds like that key partfor you is making
that commitment to come backto it versus just, you know,
I know there are some peoplewho that that walk away
walking with no problem,but it's the coming back.
And so then their partnergoes, well, every time
(25:38):
you walk away, you nevercome back.
So no, we have to do itright now.
You can't walk away, you know,versus being able to,
like you said, make thatcommitment to coming back to it.
Yeah yeah yeah.
And again you have tocome back to it.
That is another part of it.
You know, hash out whateverhas to be taken, because I know
(26:00):
some people are like, oh, I justjust drop it.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's like, no, you havecustomers like we have.
This has to be discussed,you know, especially if it's
a very important conversation.
And again, it's the wholebalance thing.
Some things, you know, we'llleave for discussion.
But if there are certain thingsthat have an urgent, you know,
(26:24):
if they're urgent, you know,it's best to just discuss them
there.
And sometimes, you know,if you know someone who is in a
relationship or, you know,friends or unhealthy
relationships, you knowyou personally if you
need someone to rest, referee,you know, bring someone in that
you both trust that it's like,hey, we need just someone
(26:44):
to come in and be like,what's going on for you guys?
Okay?
If it gets that serious, yeah,ask for help.
But that's also why it'simportant to surround yourself
with people who are also,you know, showing healthy
habits, healthy relationships.
I think that's one thing that Ihave found important
(27:07):
as an adult, you know, in therelationship, kind of
having friends or family,you know, can help
sometimes with the stuffand things.
Can you say more about that?
Because I think that that'ssuch a interesting and important
piece of because you mentionednot just having anybody like if,
if you need a third party,you know, observer
(27:29):
not just having any randomperson, but you specifically
called out someone that you,you see as kind of having
a healthy relationship,why is that so important?
I feel it's important becausesometimes you need like I said,
sometimes if there is,a situation, you know, and I
(27:54):
again, I found myself sometimesI'm like, I'm not seeing
what he's saying.
Am I just, you know, am I notseeing his view of his side?
I mean, what's going on?
And sometimes it's niceto have someone that you
know, is going to be straightwith you.
You know, someone's going tobe honest with you.
Okay, well thank you.
(28:14):
This is what he's tryingto tell you.
You're being stubbornabout this.
Like you need to just go backand discuss this again.
Like, can you see his pointof view on this?
Can you?
You know what's going on.
Why are you being so defensive?
And this is something thatyou don't want to bring up.
Makes me think like, oh, maybe,maybe there's something that I'm
being defensive about.
(28:35):
Something I'm afraid of this,you know, that's going
to happen.
And that's why I'm actingthis way.
And it's just myself,to be honest with you.
You know, I like that.
I like having someone to justfeel like, hey, I might be.
Yeah, extra or this.
(28:57):
Absolutely.
And what I really appreciateabout what you're saying
there is, it sounds like it'sa conscious again, going back to
something that you said,a conscious choice to choose
someone, that, you know, as youmentioned, is going to maybe
be straight with you.
I imagine that takes a degree ofvulnerability to be open to not
(29:19):
being right.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's that's.
Yeah.
Oh, that woman Melanieagainst me every time.
It's one of those thingsthat I've also had to work.
It's like, you know, mytherapist will always tell me
because I spent several yearssingle, and she's just,
(29:40):
you know, letting me know.
Actually, being in arelationship is like,
one of the most vulnerablepositions that you can be in.
You know, I'm like, yeah,like that one that I like is
going to leave.
They're going to leave me.
If you find someone missing,isn't it worth, you know, being,
you know, having thatcompanionship, having that love
(30:03):
and trust, just like,is that worth more than the fear
that you're holding hands?
And I'm like, why am I so,But, you know, for me,
I personally have to workthrough it because, again, from
my childhood, it was justlike this fear of like, when.
Yeah, yeah, that was the 40.
Absolutely.
And, you know, it is such abig component that I think
(30:26):
some people maybe takefor granted, because sometimes
I feel like people seevulnerability and they think
weakness, but oh mygoodness, it's so hard
to actually, like you said, openyourself up because it could
potentially mean more hurt.
Versus when you haveyour walls up, you know, there's
nothing penetrating.
(30:47):
But it's also very, I imagine,very lonely as well.
Very isolating.
Yeah, absolutely.
And so I just I absolutelylove that because I know
there are so many peoplewho, you know, they'll go to
maybe someone insteadseeking help from someone who's
almost going to like, stirthe pot and say, and because
(31:11):
it can feel really good.
And they think that it'snot to say that that
doesn't have a purpose, butacknowledging perhaps
that purpose that this issomeone who's going to stir
the pot and be like,yeah, you know, you're doing
everything right.
Versus maybe, like you said,someone who's going to tell you
like when like, hey, you know,maybe there's some room
for flexibility here,that you're currently,
(31:33):
like you said, maybe closed offto you.
And let's look at that.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
So, that's such a such a goodpiece and I appreciate that.
You brought that up, and itsounds like it's it's been
serving you well on your,on your journey to to
your growing and kind of doingsomething different.
(31:56):
It sounds like.
Yeah.
Has that been how is that as faras because it sounds like.
And let me know if I'm way offbase here, that some of
these patterns were almostkind of intergenerational.
What you know, what they cansay these days in a
generational trauma.
(32:16):
And then it sounds like,you know, you've made this
kind of conscious choice to, I.
To stop it or to at least stopsome of the things that you've
built.
Not now.
(32:36):
An awareness.
Is that accurate?
Is that in your consciousness?
Very accurate.
As the kids say, this is,inherent generational wealth
and heritage, generationaltrauma.
Forthrightly.
But is something.
Yeah.
Parents patterns that I sawwith my parents, you know,
(32:57):
and again, like I said,we have to give them grace
because they were not raisedin a way that anyone would
particularly like to be raised.
But it's definitely patternsthat I noticed.
And my mother, who I spentwhat I still often see and spend
time with, and it's one of thosethings, again, you just have
(33:18):
to, like, intentionally and andlike I said, so that,
you know, it's always a workin progress and it's one of
those things that I always sayit's just it's a work
in progress.
And you have to be ableto just kind of pull yourself
in.
I really need to workon these areas.
I'm doing well in these areas.
(33:38):
I need to work on mycommunication back to work.
You know, and that.
So and so, but definitelypatterns that are experienced
in my family, with my sisters.
I have four sisters.
Okay.
Things that I've you know,noticed with, and so, yeah, it's
just something that needs tobe addressed, because you
(34:00):
can decide not to just continueliving your life that way and.
And and you.
Absolutely.
You know, I don't knowhow many people I've heard of.
Well, this is all I know.
So this is what I doand absolutely that is also,
though I think, important toto highlight.
(34:21):
That's still a choice, right?
Yeah.
That's one thing that weall have regardless, where
we are like, that's choice.
And you can choose to staythe way you've always been.
You can stay with thesame patterns, the same
relationships in terms of youor and then, you know, choosing
(34:42):
to change is not easy.
It's going to be difficult.
Like I said, I spentseveral years, you know, outside
of relationships, choosing to besingle, choosing to work,
addressing behaviors,choosing to, you know, stay out
of relationships that I knewwould not be good for me
because I knew I knew thatI would end up, you know, doing
(35:04):
things that I was notgoing to be happy about.
And it's one of those thingsI see often.
This whole notion.
I'm not really sure what it is,but it says, you know,
every choice you make, you know,are you making steps towards
the life that you want?
You know, this is helping.
You know you're going likeit's that easy.
(35:27):
You know, being angry, being ina relationship, doing this
sort of pattern, you know,spending all your money doing,
you know, regardless, this isgoing to help you get here.
And, you know, that's a choiceyou can make.
You know, that's kind of,you know, I chose to be single.
I chose to go to therapy.
I chose to work on thesetendencies.
I'm like, I don't want to bein these times, really anymore.
(35:50):
I don't want to be, you know,I don't want these behaviors
anymore.
So it's a choice.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
And what I, what I likeabout what you just said is it
sounds like it takes one.
Okay.
Going back to like thatconscious right decision to,
to sit back and to it soundslike maybe even look at
what are my end goals and reallykind of, you know, taking that
(36:13):
zoomed out version firstand then being able
to say, okay, it's like yousaid, being single, even though
maybe everything in mesays this is extremely
uncomfortable.
You know, I heard you mentionedkind of your, your patterns.
You know, you liked thatdopamine hit.
And so I imagine when you'resingle you're not necessarily
getting some of that.
(36:34):
And so that's incrediblyuncomfortable.
And like just like no,my my brain is telling me I want
these things,I need these things.
And so then to kind of makethat choice that, like you said,
the intentionally singlelooking at that big picture of,
if I do this, it does allow mespace and time to work on me.
(36:54):
It sounds like.
And choosing that discomfortversus maybe some of this other
discomfort that you had beenkind of in.
Is that accurate?
Yeah.
And it's very much like the onlytemporary, you know, quick
satisfaction versus, you know,a longer lasting satisfaction
for me.
(37:16):
And that was difficult.
You almost have you do youretrain yourself or you retrain
your routines?
You retrain, your brain.
Ultimately, quite honestly,a lot of it I had issues,
a lot of it was social media.
So I went on social media fora while, and I felt like
that was affecting a lot ofmy use, relationships.
(37:42):
You know, being single, it'sjust a lot of things.
And social media, I think we'reaffecting my.
And that's something thatI want to take a break from
social media.
And then I almost went back towhat were the things that I like
to do when I was a kid?
I like to read.
I liked music, I like, you know,you just kind of have to find
(38:02):
other things you like.
I do this too.
So then I sort of answeredit really sort of doing,
you know, we spent meand my kids spend a lot of
time outside.
We were traveling a lot more.
You just want to changeyour focus, you know,
because I feel like sometimes,you know, we're all in this.
You almost have, like, blinderson, and, you know,
(38:22):
I have to find thisrelationship.
I have to do this.
You know, I'm different.
It's like there's more to life,and it's okay.
You know?
And and, you know, needing tofind a partner.
If you're a single parent, it'sokay either way for me.
And, you know, my partnerknows this.
Like, I will.
I'm okay with being withmy partner.
(38:45):
I love my partner.
I'm also going to be okay if I'ma single parent, you know,
along with my kids.
So it's been once I realizedthis would be okay.
Either way, I'm that's when Iwas ready to maybe get into
a relationship with my partner,and I knew that I would
(39:07):
be content regardless.
I, you know, I with my kids,I'd be content finding
a companion who I enjoyspending time with and.
And I love that that's such a,wonderful shift of it.
It sounds like for youthat readiness was looking at a
(39:30):
relationship instead ofsomething.
I need to be complete.
It was.
This is a bonus.
I'm already completeand content.
Having a relationshipwould just be a bonus to that.
But I don't need it.
Is that what I heard?
Yeah, yeah.
Once I had that and itwasn't like, Moment,
(39:52):
it was more of, you know,I think maybe I was out with my
parents, we went out to eat and,you know, I was there.
They, my friends and, you know,I said, want to and I,
and I said, I'm like, well,you know, I hope you have this
with the rest of my life.
Like hanging out with you guysand my kids and just kind of
(40:15):
doing what I'm doing, you know,having the routine I currently
have.
You know, I think you mentionedsomething about, like, me being
a single cat and like,you know, cats and was like a
cat lady.
Yeah. Yeah.
I can't believe know.
I'm like, you know what?
Oh, yeah.
That I'm okay with that.
Like, you know, if I find acat, then cool.
(40:38):
If not, that's okay.
You know, you know, and that'swhen I realized, like, you know,
this, okay, everything'sgoing to be fine.
Yeah.
That's that's so cool.
And I know you mentionedthat maybe necessarily wasn't
a direct moment.
But I am really curious thoughbecause it sounds like
(41:01):
this is a shift that youintentionally made.
You know, going backto that idea of making
a decision.
And so was there a catalystfor you that was your moment
that something's got to bedifferent.
Well, yes.
With my divorce, duringmy divorce or while I was
(41:23):
in the process of, you know,getting divorced,
I was in a very casualrelationship.
This was right before Covidhappened.
Okay?
I was in a casual relationship.
And, you know, we kind ofended things.
And I ended up findingI was like, okay, like,
this is not what I wantedfor my kids.
This is not what I wantfor my life, you know? And
(41:47):
and it's strange, you know, Iremember sitting
in the courtroom and they werefinalizing my divorce, and I'm
sitting here pregnant.
And I remember the judgesaid something about like,
oh, I see you're pregnant.
Do you want to do apaternity test for, you know,
the defendant or whatever?
And I said, no, it's okay.
(42:08):
I know it's not.
You know, here's.
And I'm just like, this is nota situation anyone is just like,
that's what I want tospend my life.
You. Yeah.
I just recall feeling I,I can close my eyes.
And I know like that feelingwhen I was sitting there and I
was just like, I don't everwant to do this again.
(42:29):
I don't ever want this kindof decision.
My youngest daughter,you know, she her dad
is not involved at all.
And, you know, I again, like,I just don't want to put a child
in this position ever again.
So that's pretty muchwhen I decided that I'm like,
you know, I can't.
(42:50):
We're going to work on things.
And if I have to do this alone,I will do it alone.
But it's I think it'sthe catalyst for me was sitting
in that courtroom.
And, you know, I laughabout it now because I had to.
But it's just, you know,looking back.
And it's one of those things,you know, when you get divorced
(43:10):
or certain situationshappen in your when people
that I meet find out,you know, that I think
it's three different fathers.
I can see their faces.
They're like, oh, oh.
And they're like, yeah, I'm thatperson.
But it's and I say it in a way,jokingly, but also
in a way like, you know what?
Nobody plans for this.
(43:33):
You know, you I thinkeveryone hopes that they're
in the healthy relationship.
Everybody wants that love.
You know what?
It takes work.
Yeah.
And and I realize, you know,it's it's interesting.
You know, your mentalhealth issues.
It takes the to the patterns.
(43:53):
You notice, you know, in yourrelationships.
It takes intentionality.
You going in and gettingthe help that you need.
But yeah, that was like,how of am I doing this again?
My yeah.
My kids, they're just very,they're so gracious and they're
(44:13):
so funny and sweet and kindand I'm like, I'm just so
thankful for for all of them,regardless of how, you
know, I got.
But yeah, I was like, was, yeah.
And I appreciate yousharing that.
And I wanted to highlightbecause I heard you mentioned,
you know, that when, when peoplefind out that, you know, there
might be a that facial change,but like you said, this isn't
(44:36):
I don't think anybody goesinto their life going this, oh,
this is what I want.
And especially when they're,you know, struggling.
And so being able to,like you said, have that grace
and suspend the judgment.
I feel like we're so goodas a society.
It's just like jumpinginto judgment, you know?
Oh, oh, mean.
I'm like, I'm just goingto judge you.
(44:57):
And it's like you said,this isn't necessarily
I don't think people consciouslychoose Archie or struggle.
And so why why judge them likeit is?
You know, something that,you know, they're,
they're excited about too,and like, hey, what can I do
(45:18):
to support you, you know,and and see, you know, are they
wanting to change?
And maybe they do just needa little bit of that safe space
to be able to explore somethingdifferent.
Yes.
Yes, I know, and I wantto highlight for me personally
how important it is to havea sense of humor because I it's
(45:41):
just it's so important for me.
You know, I joke around people,you know, when they see pictures
of my kids and, you know,my older to look more like me
and my daughter is blond withgreen eyes and, you know,
it's just one of thoselike, yeah, you know, she's
she's my lighter skinned child,but she's my spiciest child.
(46:02):
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So it's just it's very importantto just kind of, you know, relax
and have a sense of humor.
It's that's very.
I think that's what's helped meas well through all of this.
Yeah.
Not not necessarilytaking yourself too, too
(46:23):
seriously because otherwise,that, like you said, could
get you into trouble.
Just, you know, when things area little bit more difficult.
So. Yeah.
Is there I know you sharedthat wonderful resource, with us
at the beginning.
Were there any other resourcesor supports that you found along
your journey that were veryhelpful to you that, you know,
(46:45):
maybe others would would findsome use in as well?
Well, I, I'm a big fan of,you know, YouTube and Instagram
again, just making sure that,you know, a lot of the videos.
But if I find, therapists orpeople that, are licensed,
(47:09):
I find them online for whatthey're doing, for example,
like being able to,you know, send and show
videos and, and listen that,I don't have anyone
specifically, but that's,especially when I was there
when I started my journey,you know, mental health,
(47:30):
I didn't want to just jump inand find someone right away.
So I went through thevideos and, you know, I found
a couple of therapists,you know, YouTube and
they're like, these are fivetips to help you.
You know, when or when you'redealing with your cancer.
And, you know, I was a bigfan of those, but again, just
(47:50):
embedding them and makingsure that, you know,
their license and typicallyyou can just by watching
the video and looking them up,I always kind of looked
up their name.
I was just making surethey were, someone who, had, you
know, was educated and licensed.
But, because sometimesit's hard, you know, taking that
(48:11):
first step is usually so hardfor people, easier to just find,
you know, they're someoneon Instagram or on YouTube and
they kind of look throughtheir videos on Tik Tok,
and it's just nice throughthe videos and yeah, you know,
that's that's how I, or that'sI can really sometimes
(48:31):
that's like the first step,you know, but that's what I did.
And it kind of helped ease meinto finding someone really,
you know, someone licensedcounselor.
Yeah.
Help me.
Wonderful.
So I think that's that'ssuper helpful.
And like you said,because it is a really big step
(48:54):
to take.
And so finding those means,like you said, for yourself,
of what's going to helpyou kind of ease into that
and maybe make it a little bit,of a smoother transition.
If you.
All right.
So one of my, you know, favoritequestions, last question kind of
for you, if you did haveaccess to a Delorean,
(49:17):
and you could go back in time.
Is there anything thatyou would see yourself share
with yourself?
Kind of.
Back then?
Oh, that's such a good question.
I could go back and tell myyounger self something.
I would say, you know, some ofyour goals or your dreams, like,
(49:43):
just kind of go for.
I think I was very afraid.
I was very afraid of failing.
I was very much a peoplepleaser.
So I would probably saysomething like, just go for it.
Like, don't be afraid of failingand just, you know, you're not
you don't need someoneto complete, you know.
That would be my twobiggest points.
(50:04):
Yeah.
And I think that those aregreat points and great
reminders for everyone as well.
Julie, thank you so much forbeing willing to talk
to me again.
And share your story and sharethis recipe.
Yeah, I know, I'm super excitedto share it with my family.
So thank you for forgiving me that that way
(50:26):
in, I never I never made itbefore, so thank you.
And thank you.
Yes.
And thank you for forbeing willing to be so open
with with us.
I was going to say me,but really, it's it's much
bigger than me.
So thank you for being willingto be vulnerable, and share
(50:50):
that piece because I know it'snot it's not something that our
society is normalized talkingabout yet that's, you know,
that's what I'm working on. But,I appreciate you very,
very much.
Yeah.
No problem.
I'm glad to be here.
I'm glad to see you again.
You know, I just, I just anyway, shape or form that I can
(51:11):
get in contact with peoplewho I've been friends
with and have, you know,spend time with is so nice
to spend time with.
And thank you.
So thank you.
Yes, absolutely.
Well, thank you so much.
And thank all of youfor listening.
And today we'll see younext time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
(51:32):
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
(51:53):
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family Eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
(52:14):
and thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eats!
I sought out men that were,you know, emotionally
(00:03):
unavailable because whenthey did give me attention,
it was like, woah, you know,that dopamine in my brain
was like, yes.
That’s what we want.
Hey everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
(00:24):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat, Hey, everyone,thank you for joining us today.
(00:49):
I have the lovely Julieback again, interviewing
with us today.
And I'm so very, very grateful.
And I see you back again becauseto be real, we had some
technical difficultieslast time, and Julie
was gracious enough to be ableto come back and let us try this
one more time.
So. Hi, Julie.
(01:09):
Thank you again for coming back.
No problem, no problem.
I understand.
Well, Julie, for anybodywho doesn't know you like I do,
you can introduce yourselffor us.
Yeah, sure.
My name's Julie Hernandez.
I'm 39 years old.
(01:29):
Mother of three.
Cat mom of three.
And, I've been a nurse for aboutover a decade.
But I have a lot ofdifferent hats that I've worn
in prior to that.
Yeah.
And a a full house with sixlittle things that you’re
taking care of all the time.
(01:52):
Just non-stop all the time,I imagine so.
And so before we kind ofjump into your story and
your recipe, which I'msuper excited about,
is there any, socialsthat you want to share with us
or any resources for ourshameless plug section that you
want to share to our audience?
(02:15):
Yeah, sure.
So I, I'm just, you know,a normal person on social media,
so you can always reach meif you have any questions or,
you know, just want to chitchat.
So, Julie Hernandez pretty much,well, social platforms, but,
one plug that I do want to placeis called Credible Minds.
(02:36):
Credible Mediacom.
They do a lot of preventionand early intervention on mental
services.
We through my work, we havethat platform attached
to our website, but you canreach them through credible mind
from anywhere.
Awesome.
And so through your work,what are some of the ways
(02:58):
that you partner with them?
How do they help out?
So we have we have them placedon our website.
And we also because wedeal directly with the community
on many different issues,you know, first come the news,
right?
We deal with them firstthe needs and then we kind of
(03:18):
throw in there.
By the way, we havethis resource on our website.
It's also a free resource.
So we just kind of throw thatin there.
So it's very helpful for ourcommunity who's uninsured or
underinsured, which, you know,it's very hard to get mental
health resources sometimes.
So just kind of lettingthem know you can reach it
(03:39):
through, our website or onlineand it's free for anyone.
Wonderful.
That's such an awesome resourcebecause you're absolutely right.
And that that spans just thewhole country, right, of maybe,
limited resources and being ableto kind of get connected in
that way, especially forour underserved populations.
(03:59):
Yeah.
So I love it.
Thank you so much for sharingthat with us.
And folks.
As always, we'll make surethat everything is linked
in our show notesso you can find all of those
resources, as well asthe socials down below.
So check that out.
Okay. Julie.
So what recipe are youteaching us today and why
did you choose this one?
(04:20):
So today's Mexican rice.
Some people call it the redMexican rice.
But it's just one ofthose staples in a Mexican
household.
Or, and, you know, thatI grew up in.
So it just brings back a lot of,you know, honest sounds
and a lot of nice childhoodfeelings.
(04:41):
And it's really easy to makeand it's very inexpensive to me.
So it's just something you canadd on to just about anything.
Yeah.
And I just want to plug that inexcept for an expensive
piece of it because, I normallytake my kids with me to grocery
shop as well.
And we like, you know,to keep them engaged
(05:01):
because that that's what worksbest for our house.
We do like a guessing game of,you know, what is my total going
to be?
And they weren't blown awayby the the smaller number.
You know, we were under$10 whenwe were buying all of this.
And so they were justlike, really?
That's. Yeah.
So you know.
(05:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
So I would echo that absolutelykind of more on the
economical side.
So that's really awesome.
Okay.
So tell me what the stepsare for this and I'll get
things going while we chat.
For sure.
I mean, so it depends.
You can make your own house,you can buy sauce, you can blend
(05:46):
it.
So what I did was blendtomatoes, onions together with
some water.
You can add some saltand seasoning and then you blend
it together.
Or you can just put tomatoesand then it's really up to you.
Just kind of depends onpreference really.
And when you do thatyeah you aren't ready and you're
(06:07):
kind of getting everything elseright.
You're pan your rice okay.
Perfect.
So should I saute kind ofthe onions in here in the pan
first.
You can do something.
You can do.
Yeah.
I prefer to saute onions.
It just brings the flavora little bit.
(06:27):
Yeah.
Okay. Perfect.
And then once I've got that alland then I, then I use my sauce,
to put my rice in firstand kind of get that toasty.
So yeah.
You want to actually you wantto brown your rice a little bit.
You just kind of want to stir itwith the oil in there
and just kind of brown.
It just a little bit perfect.
(06:49):
And then once I know we havesome people rinse the rice,
you don't have to use.
Okay.
So it's each zone for for therinsing part.
And then so after it's niceand brown.
That's when we add the lastokay perfect.
And then we just cook thatfor you. Yeah.
(07:11):
And then you just wantto kind of continuously
just to kind of keep an eyeon it.
Okay.
Wonderful.
Well that sounds prettystraightforward.
I can do that.
Not a problem.
So while I'm doing that, though,I know that one of the stories
that you were so graciouslywilling to kind of share with us
is a little bit about yourjourney.
(07:33):
As far as even just on themental health side and dealing
with, you know, relationshipsthat were maybe not necessarily
the peak of health that youwere kind of looking for.
And so I'd love to kind of hearmore about that, walk us through
kind of what you've experiencedand some of that, that journey.
(07:53):
Yeah.
I just want to prefacethis with, you know, I'm
the kind of person that I just,I believe that all humans are
innately good.
And, you know, nobody, nobodygoes into a relationship,
you know, wanting to beheard or laugh or anything
like that.
So just just like to.
Yeah, absolutely.
(08:16):
Yeah.
I, I'm a single mother of three.
I am in a relationship.
I'm partnered at the moment,that, you know, I was single for
a few years.
But I, my three kids havedifferent fathers.
And that was kind of eachrelationship was different.
(08:38):
It was challenging.
But it's one of those things,You don't need until you're in,
you know, until, you know,kind of, you know, situations.
But with my daughter'sfather, we were very
young. It was, you know, one ofthose things where I
(09:03):
would not say volatile,but it's just one of
those things where you, I,I remember someone telling me
that you find partners.
Sometimes you search forpartners that are similar to the
relationships you sawwhen you were a child.
Or maybe you partners.
(09:23):
It kind of reminds youof your father.
For me, in my instance,you know, I was like, oh,
I don't know what they'retalking about.
There's a guy, Holden,I reflected on, you know, about,
you know, all my relationships.
I'm like, oh yeah, that'syou might not be completely
oh, wow.
You know? Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
(09:44):
Because I'm looking backespecially, you know,
with my oldest daughter,her father was a lot
like my father growing up.
So it's just very interesting,you know, you know, going into
therapy and, opening theseboxes up and kind of like, oh,
that's interesting.
You know, qualities that,you know, growing up,
(10:05):
I was that, you know, maybe notsuper attentive.
My, you know, father.
And then I realized certainqualities that I see in
man that I, you know, gravitatetowards.
And I have to be much more awareof what I'm doing when it comes
to relationships and think,I'm so curious for you,
(10:27):
at least in your experience,why do you think that that
is something that you were drawnto personally?
And so I, you know, I wishI knew, I, I think, you know,
and it goes again, I spentmany years again and just like,
why do I do this?
I don't understand why I'mdoing this.
(10:48):
And it's the relationshipsor the type of parenting,
the fact that the child,you know, my parents are
immigrants, they're firstgeneration, you know, they're
from Mexico and, you know,we all know parenting is
very different, you know,in different generations,
(11:11):
but especially in immigrantcountries, it's a lot
different than what we knowof today.
And, you know, you have togive them grace.
They were not parenting.
Well, you know, they weretreated as, you know,
child labor pretty much.
And, you know, my parentswere doing the best they could,
but they did not know howto have patience with us.
(11:35):
It was the tension, the waywe needed it.
So it was one of those thingswhere, you know, I sought out
men that were, you know,emotionally unavailable
because when they didn't give meattention, it was like, well,
you know that.
Don't it was like you say so.
And then, yeah, they would pullaway.
I would just, you know,it was just an interesting
(12:00):
dynamic.
And I didn't realize ituntil later.
Like, I don't like therelationship.
I with my parents very busyworking very hard, you know.
But they're busy.
They're working several jobs.
And then when I didn'tget attention from them,
it was just like thathit your brain as a child.
So when you grow up like,you know, you seek out
(12:20):
relationships like that,and then you end up in
a relationship that's likethis one.
Where are the only.
And this is weird.
Like, I don't know what to dowith this.
Yeah, absolutely.
And that makes a ton of sense.
I feel like I've, I've workedwith several, you know, parents
who say, you know, somethingsimilar where it's this is what
(12:42):
you know.
And so that's kind ofwhat you're used to, what you're
comfortable in.
And so then, like you said,when you see it in others,
it's like, oh yeah,this is kind of what love
looks like, right?
This is this is what I know.
This is what I've been kindof seeing as far as that
demonstration of what lovelooks like.
So yeah, this makes sense versuslike you said, when you have
something different, it's like,oh yeah, this is it.
(13:05):
This is strange.
You know, what's what'sthe what?
Yeah.
I still remember thatthat thought going crossing
through my mind when I waswith my father, my second child,
my, this is, like different.
This is interesting.
Granted, there is alot of things that we also,
(13:25):
you know, have to work on ourcommunication was barely
there was more than what I wasused to.
But there's still a lotof things that we have to work
that, we have since, you know,divorce.
But it's very amicable.
We we've grown again,and we both come to therapy
and we realize what went wrongin our relationship, but
(13:46):
we get along really wellfor our son.
And it's just, one of thoserelationships I'm very proud of
to have.
And I'm like, you know what?
The marriage for that chapter,but this new chapter, you know,
this friendship, we can havethis partnership in our person.
You know, it's positivebecause we realized
what was wrong with thattherapy.
(14:08):
We worked on things.
And, you know, we've matured andit works out really well now.
But yeah.
Yeah, it's definitely one ofI had one of those moments
where I was like, wow, this isthis is interesting.
This is kind of boring,you know, that those were
the words that came outof my mouth.
I'm like, okay, that way.
But yeah, you're used to chaos.
(14:30):
You know, that's kind ofwhat you're bringing.
You know, as a child, it'sso important when you're raised
like that.
That's what your wiringis made up and and to
change that as an adult,it takes a lot of work and like
it's possible, but it's,you know, it takes
a lot of work, a lot ofconsistency.
And, yeah, it's justinteresting how that wiring
(14:50):
as a child affects you all,all of your relationships
and all.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I imagine, you know,and correct me if I'm wrong,
but it's it's not necessarilysomething that your parents
were aware of.
So it wasn't something kind ofintentionally as far as that,
that wiring, but more that,you know, when there's that lack
(15:11):
of awareness, that lackof knowledge that it sounds
like now having been in thesethings, like you said, years
of therapy, of of learningand almost having to like it
sounds like real learningand also repairing yourself in
a way, that, you know, you wereable to kind of have that
insight that versuswhen you're in it and you don't
(15:33):
know anything different, you'renot necessarily seeking out
or being taught anythingdifferent.
I imagine it's not somethingin the forefront, and it's
definitely not for thesame person.
But I feel like, anyonecan do it.
Is those things again, withconsistency and you, anyone can
(15:54):
do it.
It's hard.
It's.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm gonna say, oh,you know, it's so easy
to just show up to therapyand it just magically happens.
It's it's a lot of you taketwo steps forward, a step back,
you know, so I always it's,you know, it's it's difficult,
but it's, it's so worth itespecially, you know, for me
(16:14):
personally, just with my kidsjust knowing that I'm, I'm able
to raise them in a different waythan what I was raised in a more
positive atmosphere.
And don't get me wrong, it'snot perfect.
I try to show them, butthey don't.
Child, sometimes Iwhat I'm saying is I'm trying
(16:38):
really hard.
The words that are coming out ofmy mouth, for instance,
listen to them.
Yeah.
It's like, oh.
So you speak to a wallsometimes, too.
I know the feeling that often.
And then you take them inthough to I feel like
at least my I can'tspeak for mine.
(16:59):
You take them to the doctorand they do the hearing tests,
you know, and they sayit's fine.
It's like, yeah, oh yeah.
It's like again, maybe it'smy workstation.
My voice is two to me.
It's it's out of there.
So, right.
Oh wait, I did thatthat register.
(17:23):
Excellent.
But, I, I that's actuallya perfect Segway because I was
going to ask you, do you findor have you found this far
that some of the strugglesthat you're seeing kind of on
the relationship side, was thatimpacting your children at all?
Was there something that you didin order to kind of
contain that?
(17:43):
What did that journey looklike for you?
Yeah, I was very aware, at leastwhen things were getting maybe
the culture needed.
I trying not to argueor just things for my kids.
I know some people think, oh no,they should be, you know, open
(18:04):
to a lot of emotions and Iyes, that's true.
But at the same time, I knewI just had this intuition in me
that I was like, I don't wantto talk like this or discuss
certain things around my kidsor certain behavior.
So it was a lot of itwas this hyper awareness of,
I really don't want my children.
(18:24):
You know, when I was a kid,I would hear the arguments
and things like that.
You know, they would argue a lotwould be hard not to raise my
kids.
Now I raise my voice, you know,because I try very hard not to
raise these.
Yeah.
This one thing is an educator,a therapist.
And you said, you know,try to limit raising your voice
(18:45):
because you raise your voicewhen there's an emergency.
So if you're constantly raisingyour voice and then there is
an emergency, they're notgoing to react to that.
So for me, I am going to just,you know, even if I have to
take a five secondbreather and be like, okay,
all right.
We're not going to. Yeah.
So yeah, being awareof being aware of my the way
(19:07):
I speak, what I say,even my body language, with with
partners and with my kids, I tryto be very aware of that,
and try to keep them awayfrom any heated discussions
and anything you can't,you know, protect them 100%.
You know, even trying to doyour best, I think that's
(19:28):
important.
Just, you know, again,just being aware of situations
or distractions.
But when your voice is aroundyour kids, your body
language and a lot ofthat negative or very aggressive
things, that it happensaway from them, I don't
want them to know.
I don't want them to have to gothrough that.
But I do have them, you know,we're humans.
(19:51):
Strong feelings is okay.
And sometimes I think it's okayto be mad.
It's not okay to see me.
And words as that includesyour hands on other people.
That's not okay.
It's very okay to be mad.
Yeah.
And what I love about that,because I think sometimes
just as a society, societyin general, we kind of
(20:12):
confuse the two in the sense of,you know, oh, they're having
a bad day.
So, you know, it's okaythat they talk to me
in this way, or it's okay thatthey do these things versus
being able to kind of teasethe two out, which it
sounds like you're workinghard to do it with your kids,
where the emotion that that'sabsolutely natural and you are
(20:35):
absolutely entitled to haveyour emotions, the behaviors
that you choose when you'rehaving those emotions
are the things that we dohave a choice in.
And so you have a choiceof whether or not you want
to speak to somebodyin that way, or like you
said, put hands on somebody inthat way, or you can choose
something different.
And just because you're havingit sounds like a big emotion.
(20:57):
That might be overwhelmingdoesn't mean that it's it's just
a free pass to kind of behave orchoose behaviors that you
want to do just because.
Yeah, I tell them, you know,my son or family, it's okay
if you're saying it's okayif that's bothering you.
It's not okay to put yourhands on someone that is
(21:19):
not okay.
And I'm going to need youto step away.
You need to go to your roomand very much, do you need
a break?
I think children do.
I need a break?
You know, you need five minutes.
My daughter is almost four.
She knows her room by herself.
She knows when she'soverstimulated.
She knows when she's just overbeing around us.
(21:41):
And I hear her walk away.
Close the door.
She needs five minutes, andshe comes back and she's fine.
And, you know, my partner,he saw that recently.
He's just like, havethese, like, I barely know
when to step away.
I'm like, I'm telling you, like,sometimes I listen,
I guess, but, you know,I teach them, you know,
(22:02):
if you're very big emotion andyou feel like you're not going
to be able to, you know,keep your hands to yourself
or not, you know, thenstep away.
It's okay.
Okay.
It's okay.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I also heard you mentionthat you for yourself
in, you know, when youwere talking about making sure
(22:23):
to kind of be mindful of your,your voice and the level
of, volume, if you will,that you mentioned that
sometimes it does take you know,hey, let me step over here,
take some take some deep breathsso I can come back to that.
Is that a skill that you justinnately have or has that
(22:43):
taken work?
Well that.
That has taken where my brain.
I was very, you know, when I wasyounger, I left, you know,
it was one of those thingsthat was, well, toxic.
Whatever you want to say.
But when I would go into anargument with someone,
a part of you, it wasalmost like, yes, let's
(23:07):
get into this.
I'm going to do this with you.
And then, like, as I got older,I was like, no, I don't want
to do that.
I don't like the consequences ofwhen I see things,
when I'm angry, you know?
I don't like I make people feel.
I don't like how that made myrelationship.
I don't I don't like how I feltafter that.
(23:29):
Yeah.
So again, it's this justawareness.
And it's anything in life,whether it's mental health,
physical health, you know,that has to do with your
relationships and job, but youhave to have some sort
of intention.
You have to have consistency.
It's not easy and nobody'sperfect.
I still it's not you know, I'mnot under there, but I try
(23:50):
my very best when there'san argument or there's
something going on likeI'm going to step away.
Yeah, I'm going to say somethingyou don't really mean.
And it's, you know, it's fromthis old behavior.
And I'm just I mean, I'm in it.
And I have to again with mypartner, you know?
632 I'm not walkingaway from you.
(24:11):
I'm not ignoring thissuspension.
But I know myself and I knowthat I need to step away.
Just give me five minutes.
We'll come back.
We'll circle back.
But right now, I need tostep away.
Yeah, I need to know to separatemyself from this at the moment.
And I can tell I can physically.
(24:31):
I can tell when I'm gettingthere.
I can, you know, I can hearthe monologue in my head.
I can see how my bodyis reacting.
And I'm like, well, I needsome way.
And what I love about whatyou said is that it sounds like
you are also workingreally hard to, to communicate
with your partner kind of aheadof time.
(24:53):
Maybe not in the heatof the moment, but hey, when,
when I do step away, when I doneed to take that time
out, it's not, you know,a reflection on on you.
It's not, you know, necessarilybecause I'm walking,
like you said, walking awayfrom you. I'm.
I want to walk towards you.
And right now I can, you know,in a way that I want to show up.
(25:15):
That sounds like it's reallyimportant to you.
And so because of that, I'm, I'mchoosing to kind of take this
this time.
And it sounds like that key partfor you is making
that commitment to come backto it versus just, you know,
I know there are some peoplewho that that walk away
walking with no problem,but it's the coming back.
And so then their partnergoes, well, every time
(25:38):
you walk away, you nevercome back.
So no, we have to do itright now.
You can't walk away, you know,versus being able to,
like you said, make thatcommitment to coming back to it.
Yeah yeah yeah.
And again you have tocome back to it.
That is another part of it.
You know, hash out whateverhas to be taken, because I know
(26:00):
some people are like, oh, I justjust drop it.
I don't want to talk about it.
It's like, no, you havecustomers like we have.
This has to be discussed,you know, especially if it's
a very important conversation.
And again, it's the wholebalance thing.
Some things, you know, we'llleave for discussion.
But if there are certain thingsthat have an urgent, you know,
(26:24):
if they're urgent, you know,it's best to just discuss them
there.
And sometimes, you know,if you know someone who is in a
relationship or, you know,friends or unhealthy
relationships, you knowyou personally if you
need someone to rest, referee,you know, bring someone in that
you both trust that it's like,hey, we need just someone
(26:44):
to come in and be like,what's going on for you guys?
Okay?
If it gets that serious, yeah,ask for help.
But that's also why it'simportant to surround yourself
with people who are also,you know, showing healthy
habits, healthy relationships.
I think that's one thing that Ihave found important
(27:07):
as an adult, you know, in therelationship, kind of
having friends or family,you know, can help
sometimes with the stuffand things.
Can you say more about that?
Because I think that that'ssuch a interesting and important
piece of because you mentionednot just having anybody like if,
if you need a third party,you know, observer
(27:29):
not just having any randomperson, but you specifically
called out someone that you,you see as kind of having
a healthy relationship,why is that so important?
I feel it's important becausesometimes you need like I said,
sometimes if there is,a situation, you know, and I
(27:54):
again, I found myself sometimesI'm like, I'm not seeing
what he's saying.
Am I just, you know, am I notseeing his view of his side?
I mean, what's going on?
And sometimes it's niceto have someone that you
know, is going to be straightwith you.
You know, someone's going tobe honest with you.
Okay, well thank you.
(28:14):
This is what he's tryingto tell you.
You're being stubbornabout this.
Like you need to just go backand discuss this again.
Like, can you see his pointof view on this?
Can you?
You know what's going on.
Why are you being so defensive?
And this is something thatyou don't want to bring up.
Makes me think like, oh, maybe,maybe there's something that I'm
being defensive about.
(28:35):
Something I'm afraid of this,you know, that's going
to happen.
And that's why I'm actingthis way.
And it's just myself,to be honest with you.
You know, I like that.
I like having someone to justfeel like, hey, I might be.
Yeah, extra or this.
(28:57):
Absolutely.
And what I really appreciateabout what you're saying
there is, it sounds like it'sa conscious again, going back to
something that you said,a conscious choice to choose
someone, that, you know, as youmentioned, is going to maybe
be straight with you.
I imagine that takes a degree ofvulnerability to be open to not
(29:19):
being right.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's that's.
Yeah.
Oh, that woman Melanieagainst me every time.
It's one of those thingsthat I've also had to work.
It's like, you know, mytherapist will always tell me
because I spent several yearssingle, and she's just,
(29:40):
you know, letting me know.
Actually, being in arelationship is like,
one of the most vulnerablepositions that you can be in.
You know, I'm like, yeah,like that one that I like is
going to leave.
They're going to leave me.
If you find someone missing,isn't it worth, you know, being,
you know, having thatcompanionship, having that love
(30:03):
and trust, just like,is that worth more than the fear
that you're holding hands?
And I'm like, why am I so,But, you know, for me,
I personally have to workthrough it because, again, from
my childhood, it was justlike this fear of like, when.
Yeah, yeah, that was the 40.
Absolutely.
And, you know, it is such abig component that I think
(30:26):
some people maybe takefor granted, because sometimes
I feel like people seevulnerability and they think
weakness, but oh mygoodness, it's so hard
to actually, like you said, openyourself up because it could
potentially mean more hurt.
Versus when you haveyour walls up, you know, there's
nothing penetrating.
(30:47):
But it's also very, I imagine,very lonely as well.
Very isolating.
Yeah, absolutely.
And so I just I absolutelylove that because I know
there are so many peoplewho, you know, they'll go to
maybe someone insteadseeking help from someone who's
almost going to like, stirthe pot and say, and because
(31:11):
it can feel really good.
And they think that it'snot to say that that
doesn't have a purpose, butacknowledging perhaps
that purpose that this issomeone who's going to stir
the pot and be like,yeah, you know, you're doing
everything right.
Versus maybe, like you said,someone who's going to tell you
like when like, hey, you know,maybe there's some room
for flexibility here,that you're currently,
(31:33):
like you said, maybe closed offto you.
And let's look at that.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
So, that's such a such a goodpiece and I appreciate that.
You brought that up, and itsounds like it's it's been
serving you well on your,on your journey to to
your growing and kind of doingsomething different.
(31:56):
It sounds like.
Yeah.
Has that been how is that as faras because it sounds like.
And let me know if I'm way offbase here, that some of
these patterns were almostkind of intergenerational.
What you know, what they cansay these days in a
generational trauma.
(32:16):
And then it sounds like,you know, you've made this
kind of conscious choice to, I.
To stop it or to at least stopsome of the things that you've
built.
Not now.
(32:36):
An awareness.
Is that accurate?
Is that in your consciousness?
Very accurate.
As the kids say, this is,inherent generational wealth
and heritage, generationaltrauma.
Forthrightly.
But is something.
Yeah.
Parents patterns that I sawwith my parents, you know,
(32:57):
and again, like I said,we have to give them grace
because they were not raisedin a way that anyone would
particularly like to be raised.
But it's definitely patternsthat I noticed.
And my mother, who I spentwhat I still often see and spend
time with, and it's one of thosethings, again, you just have
(33:18):
to, like, intentionally and andlike I said, so that,
you know, it's always a workin progress and it's one of
those things that I always sayit's just it's a work
in progress.
And you have to be ableto just kind of pull yourself
in.
I really need to workon these areas.
I'm doing well in these areas.
(33:38):
I need to work on mycommunication back to work.
You know, and that.
So and so, but definitelypatterns that are experienced
in my family, with my sisters.
I have four sisters.
Okay.
Things that I've you know,noticed with, and so, yeah, it's
just something that needs tobe addressed, because you
(34:00):
can decide not to just continueliving your life that way and.
And and you.
Absolutely.
You know, I don't knowhow many people I've heard of.
Well, this is all I know.
So this is what I doand absolutely that is also,
though I think, important toto highlight.
(34:21):
That's still a choice, right?
Yeah.
That's one thing that weall have regardless, where
we are like, that's choice.
And you can choose to staythe way you've always been.
You can stay with thesame patterns, the same
relationships in terms of youor and then, you know, choosing
(34:42):
to change is not easy.
It's going to be difficult.
Like I said, I spentseveral years, you know, outside
of relationships, choosing to besingle, choosing to work,
addressing behaviors,choosing to, you know, stay out
of relationships that I knewwould not be good for me
because I knew I knew thatI would end up, you know, doing
(35:04):
things that I was notgoing to be happy about.
And it's one of those thingsI see often.
This whole notion.
I'm not really sure what it is,but it says, you know,
every choice you make, you know,are you making steps towards
the life that you want?
You know, this is helping.
You know you're going likeit's that easy.
(35:27):
You know, being angry, being ina relationship, doing this
sort of pattern, you know,spending all your money doing,
you know, regardless, this isgoing to help you get here.
And, you know, that's a choiceyou can make.
You know, that's kind of,you know, I chose to be single.
I chose to go to therapy.
I chose to work on thesetendencies.
I'm like, I don't want to bein these times, really anymore.
(35:50):
I don't want to be, you know,I don't want these behaviors
anymore.
So it's a choice.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
And what I, what I likeabout what you just said is it
sounds like it takes one.
Okay.
Going back to like thatconscious right decision to,
to sit back and to it soundslike maybe even look at
what are my end goals and reallykind of, you know, taking that
(36:13):
zoomed out version firstand then being able
to say, okay, it's like yousaid, being single, even though
maybe everything in mesays this is extremely
uncomfortable.
You know, I heard you mentionedkind of your, your patterns.
You know, you liked thatdopamine hit.
And so I imagine when you'resingle you're not necessarily
getting some of that.
(36:34):
And so that's incrediblyuncomfortable.
And like just like no,my my brain is telling me I want
these things,I need these things.
And so then to kind of makethat choice that, like you said,
the intentionally singlelooking at that big picture of,
if I do this, it does allow mespace and time to work on me.
(36:54):
It sounds like.
And choosing that discomfortversus maybe some of this other
discomfort that you had beenkind of in.
Is that accurate?
Yeah.
And it's very much like the onlytemporary, you know, quick
satisfaction versus, you know,a longer lasting satisfaction
for me.
(37:16):
And that was difficult.
You almost have you do youretrain yourself or you retrain
your routines?
You retrain, your brain.
Ultimately, quite honestly,a lot of it I had issues,
a lot of it was social media.
So I went on social media fora while, and I felt like
that was affecting a lot ofmy use, relationships.
(37:42):
You know, being single, it'sjust a lot of things.
And social media, I think we'reaffecting my.
And that's something thatI want to take a break from
social media.
And then I almost went back towhat were the things that I like
to do when I was a kid?
I like to read.
I liked music, I like, you know,you just kind of have to find
(38:02):
other things you like.
I do this too.
So then I sort of answeredit really sort of doing,
you know, we spent meand my kids spend a lot of
time outside.
We were traveling a lot more.
You just want to changeyour focus, you know,
because I feel like sometimes,you know, we're all in this.
You almost have, like, blinderson, and, you know,
(38:22):
I have to find thisrelationship.
I have to do this.
You know, I'm different.
It's like there's more to life,and it's okay.
You know?
And and, you know, needing tofind a partner.
If you're a single parent, it'sokay either way for me.
And, you know, my partnerknows this.
Like, I will.
I'm okay with being withmy partner.
(38:45):
I love my partner.
I'm also going to be okay if I'ma single parent, you know,
along with my kids.
So it's been once I realizedthis would be okay.
Either way, I'm that's when Iwas ready to maybe get into
a relationship with my partner,and I knew that I would
(39:07):
be content regardless.
I, you know, I with my kids,I'd be content finding
a companion who I enjoyspending time with and.
And I love that that's such a,wonderful shift of it.
It sounds like for youthat readiness was looking at a
(39:30):
relationship instead ofsomething.
I need to be complete.
It was.
This is a bonus.
I'm already completeand content.
Having a relationshipwould just be a bonus to that.
But I don't need it.
Is that what I heard?
Yeah, yeah.
Once I had that and itwasn't like, Moment,
(39:52):
it was more of, you know,I think maybe I was out with my
parents, we went out to eat and,you know, I was there.
They, my friends and, you know,I said, want to and I,
and I said, I'm like, well,you know, I hope you have this
with the rest of my life.
Like hanging out with you guysand my kids and just kind of
(40:15):
doing what I'm doing, you know,having the routine I currently
have.
You know, I think you mentionedsomething about, like, me being
a single cat and like,you know, cats and was like a
cat lady.
Yeah. Yeah.
I can't believe know.
I'm like, you know what?
Oh, yeah.
That I'm okay with that.
Like, you know, if I find acat, then cool.
(40:38):
If not, that's okay.
You know, you know, and that'swhen I realized, like, you know,
this, okay, everything'sgoing to be fine.
Yeah.
That's that's so cool.
And I know you mentionedthat maybe necessarily wasn't
a direct moment.
But I am really curious thoughbecause it sounds like
(41:01):
this is a shift that youintentionally made.
You know, going backto that idea of making
a decision.
And so was there a catalystfor you that was your moment
that something's got to bedifferent.
Well, yes.
With my divorce, duringmy divorce or while I was
(41:23):
in the process of, you know,getting divorced,
I was in a very casualrelationship.
This was right before Covidhappened.
Okay?
I was in a casual relationship.
And, you know, we kind ofended things.
And I ended up findingI was like, okay, like,
this is not what I wantedfor my kids.
This is not what I wantfor my life, you know? And
(41:47):
and it's strange, you know, Iremember sitting
in the courtroom and they werefinalizing my divorce, and I'm
sitting here pregnant.
And I remember the judgesaid something about like,
oh, I see you're pregnant.
Do you want to do apaternity test for, you know,
the defendant or whatever?
And I said, no, it's okay.
(42:08):
I know it's not.
You know, here's.
And I'm just like, this is nota situation anyone is just like,
that's what I want tospend my life.
You. Yeah.
I just recall feeling I,I can close my eyes.
And I know like that feelingwhen I was sitting there and I
was just like, I don't everwant to do this again.
(42:29):
I don't ever want this kindof decision.
My youngest daughter,you know, she her dad
is not involved at all.
And, you know, I again, like,I just don't want to put a child
in this position ever again.
So that's pretty muchwhen I decided that I'm like,
you know, I can't.
(42:50):
We're going to work on things.
And if I have to do this alone,I will do it alone.
But it's I think it'sthe catalyst for me was sitting
in that courtroom.
And, you know, I laughabout it now because I had to.
But it's just, you know,looking back.
And it's one of those things,you know, when you get divorced
(43:10):
or certain situationshappen in your when people
that I meet find out,you know, that I think
it's three different fathers.
I can see their faces.
They're like, oh, oh.
And they're like, yeah, I'm thatperson.
But it's and I say it in a way,jokingly, but also
in a way like, you know what?
Nobody plans for this.
(43:33):
You know, you I thinkeveryone hopes that they're
in the healthy relationship.
Everybody wants that love.
You know what?
It takes work.
Yeah.
And and I realize, you know,it's it's interesting.
You know, your mentalhealth issues.
It takes the to the patterns.
(43:53):
You notice, you know, in yourrelationships.
It takes intentionality.
You going in and gettingthe help that you need.
But yeah, that was like,how of am I doing this again?
My yeah.
My kids, they're just very,they're so gracious and they're
(44:13):
so funny and sweet and kindand I'm like, I'm just so
thankful for for all of them,regardless of how, you
know, I got.
But yeah, I was like, was, yeah.
And I appreciate yousharing that.
And I wanted to highlightbecause I heard you mentioned,
you know, that when, when peoplefind out that, you know, there
might be a that facial change,but like you said, this isn't
(44:36):
I don't think anybody goesinto their life going this, oh,
this is what I want.
And especially when they're,you know, struggling.
And so being able to,like you said, have that grace
and suspend the judgment.
I feel like we're so goodas a society.
It's just like jumpinginto judgment, you know?
Oh, oh, mean.
I'm like, I'm just goingto judge you.
(44:57):
And it's like you said,this isn't necessarily
I don't think people consciouslychoose Archie or struggle.
And so why why judge them likeit is?
You know, something that,you know, they're,
they're excited about too,and like, hey, what can I do
(45:18):
to support you, you know,and and see, you know, are they
wanting to change?
And maybe they do just needa little bit of that safe space
to be able to explore somethingdifferent.
Yes.
Yes, I know, and I wantto highlight for me personally
how important it is to havea sense of humor because I it's
(45:41):
just it's so important for me.
You know, I joke around people,you know, when they see pictures
of my kids and, you know,my older to look more like me
and my daughter is blond withgreen eyes and, you know,
it's just one of thoselike, yeah, you know, she's
she's my lighter skinned child,but she's my spiciest child.
(46:02):
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So it's just it's very importantto just kind of, you know, relax
and have a sense of humor.
It's that's very.
I think that's what's helped meas well through all of this.
Yeah.
Not not necessarilytaking yourself too, too
(46:23):
seriously because otherwise,that, like you said, could
get you into trouble.
Just, you know, when things area little bit more difficult.
So. Yeah.
Is there I know you sharedthat wonderful resource, with us
at the beginning.
Were there any other resourcesor supports that you found along
your journey that were veryhelpful to you that, you know,
(46:45):
maybe others would would findsome use in as well?
Well, I, I'm a big fan of,you know, YouTube and Instagram
again, just making sure that,you know, a lot of the videos.
But if I find, therapists orpeople that, are licensed,
(47:09):
I find them online for whatthey're doing, for example,
like being able to,you know, send and show
videos and, and listen that,I don't have anyone
specifically, but that's,especially when I was there
when I started my journey,you know, mental health,
(47:30):
I didn't want to just jump inand find someone right away.
So I went through thevideos and, you know, I found
a couple of therapists,you know, YouTube and
they're like, these are fivetips to help you.
You know, when or when you'redealing with your cancer.
And, you know, I was a bigfan of those, but again, just
(47:50):
embedding them and makingsure that, you know,
their license and typicallyyou can just by watching
the video and looking them up,I always kind of looked
up their name.
I was just making surethey were, someone who, had, you
know, was educated and licensed.
But, because sometimesit's hard, you know, taking that
(48:11):
first step is usually so hardfor people, easier to just find,
you know, they're someoneon Instagram or on YouTube and
they kind of look throughtheir videos on Tik Tok,
and it's just nice throughthe videos and yeah, you know,
that's that's how I, or that'sI can really sometimes
(48:31):
that's like the first step,you know, but that's what I did.
And it kind of helped ease meinto finding someone really,
you know, someone licensedcounselor.
Yeah.
Help me.
Wonderful.
So I think that's that'ssuper helpful.
And like you said,because it is a really big step
(48:54):
to take.
And so finding those means,like you said, for yourself,
of what's going to helpyou kind of ease into that
and maybe make it a little bit,of a smoother transition.
If you.
All right.
So one of my, you know, favoritequestions, last question kind of
for you, if you did haveaccess to a Delorean,
(49:17):
and you could go back in time.
Is there anything thatyou would see yourself share
with yourself?
Kind of.
Back then?
Oh, that's such a good question.
I could go back and tell myyounger self something.
I would say, you know, some ofyour goals or your dreams, like,
(49:43):
just kind of go for.
I think I was very afraid.
I was very afraid of failing.
I was very much a peoplepleaser.
So I would probably saysomething like, just go for it.
Like, don't be afraid of failingand just, you know, you're not
you don't need someoneto complete, you know.
That would be my twobiggest points.
(50:04):
Yeah.
And I think that those aregreat points and great
reminders for everyone as well.
Julie, thank you so much forbeing willing to talk
to me again.
And share your story and sharethis recipe.
Yeah, I know, I'm super excitedto share it with my family.
So thank you for forgiving me that that way
(50:26):
in, I never I never made itbefore, so thank you.
And thank you.
Yes.
And thank you for forbeing willing to be so open
with with us.
I was going to say me,but really, it's it's much
bigger than me.
So thank you for being willingto be vulnerable, and share
(50:50):
that piece because I know it'snot it's not something that our
society is normalized talkingabout yet that's, you know,
that's what I'm working on. But,I appreciate you very,
very much.
Yeah.
No problem.
I'm glad to be here.
I'm glad to see you again.
You know, I just, I just anyway, shape or form that I can
(51:11):
get in contact with peoplewho I've been friends
with and have, you know,spend time with is so nice
to spend time with.
And thank you.
So thank you.
Yes, absolutely.
Well, thank you so much.
And thank all of youfor listening.
And today we'll see younext time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
(51:32):
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
(51:53):
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family Eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
(52:14):
and thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eats!
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