December 24, 2024 • 56 mins
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In this heartfelt episode, Kelly Parker, mom of one and Marriage and Family Therapist, joins Reesa Morala, LMFT, to share her emotional journey through pre-eclampsia and having a NICU baby. Kelly opens up about the fear, frustration, and challenges of coping with a pregnancy complication and the struggle of feeling like her body “failed” her during this critical time.
As they discuss parenting challenges, support systems, and resilience, Kelly also shares her delicious Tiger Butter and 7-Layer Bar recipes—sweet treats perfect for lifting spirits and bringing families together.
Subscribe, like, and follow for more real parenting stories, helpful tips, and comforting recipes!
💬 What's been a parenting challenge you've faced? Share your story in the comments!🍫 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!
Find Kelly at: https://headway.co/providers/kelly-parker?utm_source=pem&utm_medium=direct_link&utm_campaign=83138
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7 Layer Bars
INGREDIENTS:
1/2c butter (melted)
1 1/2c crushed graham crackers
1 6 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 6 oz butterscotch pieces
1 1/3c flaked coconut
1/2c chopped walnuts
1 14 oz condensed milk
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Preheat oven at 350F degrees.
2. Grease or line with parchment paper a 13x9 baking pan.
3. Mix melted butter with graham crackers and line the pan.
4. Layer the following: chocolate, butterscotch, walnuts, and coconut
5. Drizzle condensed milk over the pan.
6. Cook for 30 minutes or until melted and slightly browned.
Tiger Butter
INGREDIENTS:
1lb white chocolate, broken into 1-in pieces
1c chunky peanut butter
1c (6 oz) semi-sweet chocolate morsels
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Melt and mix white chocolate and peanut butter until smooth and creamy.
2. Spread in a pan covered with parchment paper.
3. Melt chocolate and drizzle through other mixture.
4. Refrigerate until firm.
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If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:
Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/
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Disclaimer:
The content provided on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment. The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast.
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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Every time I saw oneof those moms, I was like,
it's not fair.
Like, it's not fairthat I'm here.
Like watching my daughterstruggle to breathe and to eat
getting jaundice and allof these things.
And they have a totally healthybaby.
Like, what did I do?
(00:22):
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! All right,my guest today is Kelly.
(00:53):
Hi, Kelly.
Thanks so much for joining us.
Thank you for having me.
Yes.
I am so excited to hearand have you talk about
your recipe as well asyour story.
But first, for everyonethat doesn't know you, can you
introduce yourself for us? Yeah.
So my name is Kelly Parker.
I'm a licensed marriageand family therapist.
And I have worn many hats overthe years, but, what kind of
(01:17):
brought me here today isI have started working
in infertility and perinatalmental health after my
own journey, which we'll talkabout today.
And so I have sort of two hatsstill I work, solo in a private
practice doing work with moms,perinatal mental health couples,
(01:39):
parents, who are experiencingpostpartum depression, anxiety,
OCD, those kind of things.
And then I also work with awonderful company counseling
with Joey that does, infertilitybased third party reproduction
services.
So we work with parentswho are before their journey,
who are utilizing a spermdonor, egg donor, surrogate,
(02:02):
going through IVF, IUI.
And, we work with the parentsand also the surrogates
and donors.
Wow. Yes.
Okay.
So for anybody that needs any ofthose services or needs support,
are there social media handlesor websites that they
can find this information on?
Yeah.
So to find my, perinatalmental health individual
(02:22):
practice, I am right now just onPsychology Today and I use
a platform called headway,which is an insurance
based platform, because that wasreally important to me. Okay.
And then for counselingwith Joey, we have a website
counselingwithjoey.comAnd then I also have,
social media through counselingwith Joey.
That's Kelly underscorecounseling.
Joey.
Okay, perfect.
So make sure to check some ofthat out if that applies to you.
(02:45):
All right.
So tell us what recipes I knowwe've got two recipes
going today.
So tell us a little bitabout them.
And why.
Why did you bring theserecipes for us.
Yeah.
So I, I struggled with this partbecause I'm a recipes person.
So I do a lot of online recipes.
But these are actuallyreally personal to me.
So as I was growing up, my mom,every Christmas and holiday
(03:08):
season for our teachersand like, friends and for us,
would make these candies.
These are just two of, like,five, six, seven that she would
make.
But these, I thought were twothat are very budget friendly,
very easy to make.
You can do these with kids.
So I thought this would beperfect for this form.
(03:31):
Wonderful.
Okay.
So which one are we startingwith first.
So we're going to startwith this seven layer bar.
Because this is just kindof throw everything together
and stick it in the oven andwait for it to be done.
So I thought that would bea good start.
Okay.
So tell me kind of what stepsI'm doing first and I'll
get started.
Yeah.
So we're going to start with thegraham cracker layer on
the bottom which this has grahamcrackers and butter.
(03:53):
And then you're goingto put in the just sprinkle
all over the chocolate chips.
The butterscotch chips,the coconut, the walnuts.
And then once that's all kind ofin a layer, I'm looking like
you want you pour overthe condensed milk. Okay.
Perfect. Yeah.
So all I do that I knowyou've had quite a journey
you just mentioned even kind ofalluded to it.
Yeah.
(04:14):
And so I'd love to kind ofhear what, what led you to
the passion work that you'vebeen doing?
Yeah.
So, my journey started in,early 2021.
My now husband, we werenot married at the time,
but my husband and Iwere wanting to have a baby.
And so we, started on that path,and we actually had better luck
(04:38):
than I anticipated.
I am always so ananxious person, so I anticipated
having a harder time gettingpregnant.
It was a few cycles, but,But nothing difficult at
the beginning.
Which is very different.
I mean, there's a populationthat you work with.
Absolutely.
I imagine that those folksthat it doesn't quite.
(04:59):
Yeah.
Come as easy.
Absolutely.
So yeah, I got very, very lucky.
And I recognized thateven before I started working in
the population, I'd have friendswho've had trouble getting
pregnant.
So, I very much recognizedthat it was easier
than I thought.
And I always have had somekind of body issues, so
I was worried I wouldhave, like, all the worst
symptoms of pregnancy.
(05:20):
And I didn't experiencethat either, which was
a big shock to me.
I obviously have some symptoms.
I was really tired, but overall,through most of my pregnancy,
I, was feeling really good.
And I was very proud of my bodyfor what it was doing.
Okay.
And then when, I was afew months into my pregnancy,
towards the end of the secondtrimester, we found that my dad
had terminal cancer.
(05:41):
So that really kind of was astressor that in hindsight,
I was not dealing with as muchas I should have been.
Can you say a little bitmore about that? Yeah.
So I like I had sort ofcompartmentalized in my mind
my pregnancy and my dadbeing sick and getting cancer.
(06:03):
Like I was like, well,these things aren't connected
because I'm feeling really goodpregnancy wise.
But I wasn't reallyacknowledging how much stress
his diagnosis was putting onour family and like,
my body and, and I and I'm like,absolutely not blaming that.
It's just one of the thingsthat was going on at the time.
(06:24):
And I think in hindsight,I would tell myself
to like, start seeinga therapist and figure, okay,
it was just something thatit was just as unacknowledged
stress.
I really was separating themin my head.
So, and on top of that,I had a very, very stressful
job at the time.
I was working in, likeGovernment County mental health,
(06:48):
and I was a management managerposition and that so
it was a lot of stress.
And again, like,compartmentalize that over here.
So, like, head work over here.
I had my dad and then I hadthe pregnancy.
And for me, I was like, well,I feel good in the pregnancy.
So none of these are related.
Like they're not coming back toeach other.
Yeah.
And my body decided different.
(07:10):
So at my, it was technicallysupposed to my 30 week
appointment, but we werea little bit behind schedule,
so it was I was exactly 31weeks.
I went to my 31 week doctorappointment, and I had
a high blood pressurereading, which was the
first one.
Okay.
But she seemed worried.
I still wasn't.
I was like, oh, it's fine.
Like it's one it's.
(07:32):
Yeah, it's the doctor.
The doctor's making me nervous.
Whatever. Yeah.
So I went home.
She told me to monitor at home.
I wasn't able to get a bloodpressure cuff to the next day,
so when I did, at lunchtime,it was still high,
and I was like, wow, it'shot outside.
And, like, I was working today,and I was still kind of
(07:52):
making excuses, but I wasstarting to be a little nervous
because it's 24 hours laterand I was at home. Okay.
And then I, did another readingan hour later and it was
still high.
And so then I really started toget worried, and I called the,
like, labor and delivery triageor the hospital, and
(08:14):
they're like, you know what?
Monitor do another readingin an hour, and if it's
still high, then come downlike try to do things for the
next hour to like, calm downbecause I know you're
probably panic right now.
So try to bring yourselfback down.
And that doesn't help the noticethat, and so I, I did I did
another reading.
It was still high.
So we cracked that because Iwas not at all prepared to go to
(08:37):
the hospital that day.
So we had the bag, and went downto the hospital. Okay.
And it was still veryhigh when I got there. So,
unfortunately, that was a one ofthe harder moments of many.
But that initial kindof intake into the hospital
(08:57):
was very scary.
I'd never been to the hospitalfor myself.
Never, like, never brokena bone or, like, had to go to
a hospital for any reason.
So being wheeled back in triage,they have like multiple
nurses in they're all tryingto like ask me questions
and do put Ivy in and allof the things.
And I just kind of lost it.
(09:19):
And this really wonderful nursekind of paused everyone
and slowed everythingdown. But it, it was just
sort of the start of wonderfulnurses that it was stressful
from sort of the get. So, sothey checked me in,
they monitored and checkedmy blood pressure every
(09:39):
15, 20 minutes all nightwith no change.
So no sleep.
No sleep, for me, no sleep formy husband.
And we just kind of werewaiting.
And I still in the backof my mind thought like, well,
it's okay.
Like, I'm going to it'll calmdown and like, they'll maybe
they'll give me some medicationand I'll go home.
(10:01):
Can you tell me more? Kind of.
Yeah, because I heard youmultiple times.
Like, it sounds like you wentthrough a couple of different
states of mind.
You know, first, I heardyou mention kind of that
wheeling back and some ofthis year that I kind of
started to say.
Yeah.
And then still, as you mentionedthere, checking, you know,
you're admitted there checkingyour blood pressure.
(10:21):
And, you know, you kindof talked a little bit
about still still your brainwas kind of working overtime,
it sounds like, to convinceyou kind of know, you know,
we're all good.
Can you kind of talk us throughthat thought process and like
what was going on for youupstairs?
Yeah.
It was I will say that partother than, like,
(10:45):
I remember that panic momentwhere the nurse had to sort of
stop everything, it's ait's kind of a jumble and a bit
of a blur, because Ijust remember feeling like
this isn't happening.
Like this isn't right.
Like, that was the themegoing on for the next week and a
half months.
But it was more like,I just remember sort of feeling
(11:09):
really out of control all of asudden.
And I went from like one daybeing really proud of my body
to like, what's happening.
And that was tough.
And then the other piecethat really was confusing for me
and why I kept thinking, like,this will be fine.
I'll go back to I'llgo back home.
They're going to release mesoon.
Yeah, because I had no othersymptoms of preeclampsia
(11:32):
other than the high bloodpressure readings.
Can you tell that for anybodylistening?
Kind of what is thatand what are some of the signs
that maybe you you were saying,you know, I wasn't seeing
any of these other things.
Yeah.
So preeclampsia is sort of thenext step.
Not the last, most severe,but the next step with
(11:53):
high blood pressure.
So what happens withpreeclampsia.
Typically the signs arelike extreme swelling of
your feet and your they keptasking me if I had headaches
obviously high blood pressurereadings.
And then ultimately what happensfor me is I eventually
had protein in my urine,which means that my kidneys
(12:14):
are shutting down.
So eventually preeclampsialeads to, like, organ failure,
which can lead to like, helpsyndrome as well, which is
even more severe.
So I didn't get that farbecause I was still
in the hospital when all ofthis happened.
But, yeah, it's it's prettyscary.
And also in hindsighttoo scary that I if I hadn't
(12:34):
gone to the doctor that dayand had that high blood pressure
reading and started monitoringmyself, I would have had
no other indicationpersonally that I was having
high blood pressure, at leastat that point.
Then the whole time I was inthe hospital never got
the headaches or the swellingor any of it until after
my daughter was born.
Was it something that you wereaware of that was even kind of
(12:56):
on your radar?
Not yes and no.
You told me at the beginning ofmy pregnancy, because of
my weight and my familyhealth history, that I had,
I was at risk for high bloodpressure.
Gotcha.
But I hadn't known anyone of myfamily or, like, at that point,
I didn't know I had friends.
I did, but I didn't knowat the time that I had a friend
(13:17):
who had preeclampsia.
So I wasn't it wasn't somethingmajorly on my radar that I
felt like I needed to behyper aware of.
What it.
Yeah.
And so imagine that,you know, it's it's not uncommon
for us.
I remember even withboth my boys.
Yeah.
You get some of those pamphletsright when you go in and they
(13:37):
tell you a little bit about,oh, here are some things
to look out for.
But I, I honestly can't evenremember that for my own
two pregnancies that, you know,people may not be aware
that those are things thatwe need to be aware of.
One and kind of what are some ofthose signs like, truly,
that they ought to be kind oflooking for that magic, kind of
(14:00):
that deer in the headlights ideawhen this not all of a sudden
kind of comes crashing toa halt.
Yeah.
In your journey.
Yeah.
Well, and not just that,but they kept kind of asking
the same questions of headachesfor me.
They kept checking my feet,and I still had none of it.
So I was like, well, it must nothave it that bad because
all these things I'm saying noto all the time.
(14:21):
And then by day, like 3 or 4,they had me on some medications.
I got my blood response.
I was like, I'll be fine.
And so and we can getto that part.
But it just still didn'tseem real.
If I had headaches or my feetwere really full and I was like,
okay, well, all thesethings you're asking me
that matches what, like I'mfeeling.
So that makes sense.
So it wasn't it was sortof another.
(14:43):
And I battled with thefor a while after like
another way my body kind oflet me down and not warning me
that something was happeninginternally.
And it really kind of made mequestion like, well, my body
warned me if there's somethingwrong.
And so that was kind of afear as well that sort
of developed.
Absolutely.
Gosh. Okay.
(15:03):
So I think I'm ready to goin the oven.
Yeah.
So we're at three 5350for 30 minutes okay.
So it's kind of crispy likeand so we'll check in and sorry
I will put it in okay.
So what's next for usbefore we dive into more
of the story.
So this one's even easier.
So we've pre melted some whitechocolate and some crunchy
(15:25):
peanut butter.
Okay.
And you're going to mix thetwo of these together actually
in that one before we pour iton the tray.
So you're going to mix it andget it good.
And mix so that allthe chocolate is fully melted.
And it's all when they'retogether.
Perfect.
And so then once I mix this.
Yeah.
You're going to pour iton the sheet.
Perfect.
And then you're goingto take the milk chocolate
(15:45):
and just kind of drizzle it onand do whatever fun design
you want in the show. Yeah.
All right.
So tell me more as I mix these.
Yeah.
So once I had my initial kindof check in, they monitored me
there.
They put me on magnesium,which anyone who's been
on is not fun.
And the intention ofthe magnesium was to try
(16:06):
to bring my blood pressure down.
So that's usually like.
Well, at least that'swhat they told me.
That's how people goon magnesium.
So I, was on that for 24 hours.
And then after the 24 hours, Iwas, it was like 5 or 6 hours
later, the middle of the night.
(16:26):
And I was feeling some like whatfelt like indigestion.
And so I had called in my nurseand she'd given me some
indigestion meds.
And hours later, like ithadn't changed.
I was still feeling some,like, pressure on my chest.
So then they said.
I told the nurse because Iwas like, now at this point,
(16:48):
I'm like any weirdnessin my body.
Like, I don't know what it isI don't trust.
Like back to the theme.
I don't trust my body anymore.
So anything that feelsstrange, I'm just going to tell
the nurse I'm already here.
So, so I told her and this waskeep in mind this was
September 2021.
So still Covid protocols.
Yeah.
And, I even though I had donea Covid test the night before
(17:10):
when I had intakes in the E.R.,they did full Covid like face
suits, to come in and do aCovid test because they were
worried it was like some kindof indigestion or infection
or something.
I did that I did not haveCovid, but, it sort of led
us down this rabbithole of like, well, it's
not this, and it's not this andit's not this.
(17:32):
And in the end, I wasbeing monitored by a
cardiologist because they werejust worried about this fluid
on my lungs that had developed.
I've talked to peoplein research since, I don't
know that this is a normal sideeffect of magnesium for people
or just something that happenedto me, but it was just strange
timing that I finished it.
And so I don't know, I'mnot just, something medically,
(17:55):
something medicallyweird happened while I was in
the hospital.
And so in my care, they hadsort of started they were still
working on the bloodpressure issue, but now
I also had this added, likecardiologist who was coming in
every like six or so hoursto check on me.
And ultimately they wantedto do, to monitor my heart
and make sure it wasn'tany heart issues.
(18:17):
So they moved me from thematernity unit because they
thought I was stable enoughover to the medical unit,
and I was being followed forI was like 24, 36 hours with
in the General Medical Hospital.
And then they were sending oversomeone every first it was like
2 to 3 hours, and thenit was four in a six to monitor
(18:37):
baby. Wow.
And so that was much calmer,actually, and a little bit
easier.
I wasn't hearing people havetheir babies next door,
which was kind of a relief.
Like I was like you say, yeah.
So when I was checked in, I wason the labor delivery
delivery floor.
So I'm hearing people likein labor through the
(18:59):
walls, like, and thenbaby screaming that they're
having their baby. Andthat was a different kind of
trigger of I don't want that tobe happening to me.
Like, I don't want to be hereat 31 week having my baby.
Yeah.
And so hearing other peoplewho I mean, I don't know if they
(19:21):
were having healthy deliveriesor not, you know,
I have no idea.
It's just people in here,no one else.
But it was kind of a relief tobe on a medical unit
where I'm like,this is a medical platform,
and my baby's not coming,so I can just hang out here.
Do you think it was a little bitnot only a relief because
you're not hearing other folks,but that maybe it was also
for you?
(19:41):
Yes.
It's a medical issuewe need to attend to for myself,
but it's not indicativeof something kind of happening.
The baby.
Yeah for sure.
Like I just felt betterthat like, okay, this isn't
a baby issue anymore.
This is my body'sdoing something weird.
So maybe we'll get to go home.
And that actually was theconversation.
So the last what I thoughtwas going to be my last day
and turned out to bemy daughter's birthday,
(20:03):
in the hospital, they weretalking about discharging me.
I was I was going to bedischarged for sure from
the medical unit.
And then the maternity sidewas coming over to check on me
regularly.
But that morning urinesample was the one I had to me.
Or my indicator my kidneys areshutting down and I still
didn't know
until like 3 (20:22):
00 in the afternoon.
Right?
Yeah.
So they had gotten my resultsprobably sometime in
the morning.
Came to talk to talkto each other like because I had
the high risk baby doctorand the OB who is who ultimately
delivered my daughtercome together over
to the cardiology wing totalk to me about the fact that I
(20:45):
was going to be havinga C-section.
That's.
Yeah, that was that.
That sounds incrediblyscary. Yeah.
I have this, you know, bunch ofwhite coats.
I mean, that in itself,I feel like for, for folks
can get the anxiety.
It can just go through the roof.
Now you're, you're seeingall these people who
who are there, and thenyou know, like I wasn't there,
(21:06):
but I imagine the faces weren'tnecessarily kind of sunshine
and unicorns and rainbows.
And so, I mean, is that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
So it was it was alsointeresting because I
had kind of calm myselfdown a bit, being on that floor.
And they had stopped checkingon baby as frequently.
So I had started to sort offeeling at one end of being
(21:27):
false sense of securitythat everything was fine.
And then all of a suddenit's like, you know,
a small team.
It was two of them.
But like in my mind,it's like these two doctors,
like coming in and be like,just kidding.
Again.
Everything you thought you knewabout this pregnancy in
your body, taking it back againbecause your kidneys
are shutting down.
And, I do a light just drizzlelike.
(21:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, perfect.
Like that.
And so yeah, it was, it was,it was really kind of
intense and, and also I thinksomething again, in hindsight,
I asked some questions,but I was so not prepared for
delivering her 31 weeks,even with all of this scare
(22:12):
that like one of the thingsI didn't ask is why I had to
have a C-section.
Not that that was theworst part.
I actually, before all ofthis happened, I anticipated
I was going to need to havea C-section this year.
Yeah, my family just hasa history of C-section.
So it was something that like,again, my anxious mind had
been like, oh, you're preparedto have a C-section.
(22:33):
This is something that allof your family members do.
And and they struggledthrough like 24 plus hour
levers before getting toa C-section.
And I just saw devastatedthey were weren't I was like,
I'm not gonna let that happento me.
I'm not gonna be devastatedafter a C-section and I wasn't
I'm still not devastated to havethat C-section, but I have
no idea why they insisted ona C-section like that
part wasn't explained to mevery well.
(22:55):
Okay.
And I didn't ask enoughquestions about, like,
why I couldn't just be inducedand go into labor.
Like, I still don't really knowthat piece.
And maybe they had a goodjustification.
I just didn't ask about it.
Well, and I imagine thatyour state of mind, mate,
we talk about it, in theprofessional world thing, you're
(23:15):
you're not necessary up in yourfrontal.
Well, which is for those of youthat don't know, right
up in here.
Yeah, that's got your logic.
That's got your rationality,I imagine in that state, yes.
Although you have that partof your brain, wasn't
fully online at that pointto be able to think, okay,
here's all my questions.
(23:36):
Let me kind of think really,really rationally about this.
Absolutely.
And it's something that I likehow I would change that now.
And what I kind of consideris like having a, extra
support person.
So the other thing I didn'tmention is I had been in
the hospital four daysfor four days at that point,
and we thought I was going home.
So I sent my husband homebecause it was a Monday
(23:58):
to go to work, because he onlyhad really limited PTO and so so
I was at the hospital by myself,anticipating he was going to
come after work and justpick me up, take me home.
That was sort of our talkedabout plan when we had talked
in the morning and the nightbefore when he left.
And so one thing that Ireally was I didn't have was
(24:20):
somebody else there to supportand answer those questions
for me when my next was notworking.
And so like people cannow like hire does like even for
C-sections, you can stillhave a doula and you can have
a postpartum during like thoseare things I've looked into more
now to, that I would probably dodifferently in future
(24:42):
pregnancies, even if it'sa totally planned C-section
and I get to full termand I get to a planned
C-section, I still willprobably have a doula
who can, like, support me inanswering asking questions,
somebody who's like, moreexperienced with labor
and delivery than me.
And you know and knows whatI would want, ideally from even
a planned C-section.
(25:03):
So it's something that was,a learning point, at least
in this part.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So do I put this.
I would still like then I runa knife through and just do
kind of a fun swirly bit.
That's the last piecethat. Okay.
And then this will goin the fridge.
All right.
Yeah.
(25:23):
So. Yeah.
So then that came the longestthree hours of my life.
Because they told me at threeand obviously I called
my husband, who, had to then go.
He had a
3 (25:39):
00 work meeting and had to go in and go.
I have to go.
I'm having a baby today.
And, and we lived an hourfrom the hospital, so he, we'll
get to this, but he barelymade it,
for 6 (25:50):
00.
And then, and then I calledmy family to tell them.
And so it was, like a shock,obviously.
It was just like, for me, wereally thought that we would be
(26:11):
going home, and so didmy family.
So then I just kind of hadseveral hours processing it
by myself for a, verywell-meaning nurse telling me
her story, which was nota super helpful one to hear
while I was waiting formy C-section.
Again, I think her intentionwas really wonderful,
but hers had ended ina hysterectomy because of
(26:33):
bleeding, and she only one.
And I was like, I really amstressed enough.
Like in my mind.
But again, with like, I'm alsovery much a people pleaser,
so I was not going to cut offher story.
But I just was I was panicked,and so then they came
and kind of wheelchair meover back to the maternity unit,
(26:54):
and I was back on the like,sort of intake side
labor delivery floor for aboutfive minutes while they
prepped me for the C-section.
And, when my husband got there,and.
Yeah.
And then like, thebiggest message I kind of was
telling myself over andover again as we were going into
a C-section was like, this isn'tright.
(27:14):
And I just kind of kepttelling myself, like, she's
too early.
Like, this isn't right.
She's not going to be okay.
And they reassured methat 31 weeks was not terrible.
She had a good chanceof surviving, like, and not
having long term healthcomplications.
But you don't know that.
And I've never seen it,you know, other than, like,
(27:36):
pictures of people online postedtheir premature babies, like,
never seen or held a verysmall baby.
And so I like that was justsort of the message
over and over.
So I'm kind of thinking that asthey will me into the
C-section room and then theC-section was after
(27:57):
she came out, was like someoneuneventful again.
Like that was the part I wasanticipating.
Okay, so the C-section,while we're in, I'm like, oh no,
I know what this feels like.
Wasn't the traumaticpart for me, other than it was
just happening too earlyin my house.
Like, this should be happeningeight weeks from now, not today.
Yeah.
And so then I, she came outscreaming, which actually made
(28:21):
me feel a little bit betterbecause one of the things
they were about,they had given me a story
that when I first got thereto help her lung development,
because she was a little in caseI had to deliver early.
And they told me that ifI had left the hospital,
they probably would havegiven me another four weeks
later.
We just didn't get thatopportunity.
But she came out yelling, sothat was a relief.
(28:42):
But then they kind of heldher up to the plastic sheeting
that was between us,and then she was gone.
And so, I didn't get any.
That was the other thing.
In hindsight, I would ask, like,she's crying.
Can I just like, you know, giveher a kiss or, like, touch her
really quickly before theytake her down to the next you?
(29:03):
Because then she wastied to tubes and like,
I couldn't hold her for another,it was like, two days.
Almost two days. So.
So I was like, if I could likethat is, again, even if I have
another preemie, if they comeout crying, I'm going to
advocate, like, can I justtell her I love her
before she goes downstairslike that?
(29:25):
Something that again,I didn't know to ask,
like didn't even think ofin the moment and would
do differently.
But they took her down.
I had my husband go down andand then the rest of
the C-section was uneventful.
For the most part,I was a little bit of blood,
but not enough.
I needed any additional medicalsupport.
And then to the recoveryunit. So, so I was
(29:51):
kind of holding it togetherbetter than I anticipated
initially.
And the recovery has beenthe sending me pictures of her,
and then he'd come upand check on me and then he
go back down.
He was kind of going backand forth between the two of us.
Well, I just kind of weaned offthe anesthesia enough
that I could.
And then they rolledme downstairs, like in the
hospital bed, to see her,and held her.
(30:12):
And that was the moment whereeverything kind of
flipped for me.
Seeing her, like, in reality,hooked her everything.
And breathing tubes.
I couldn't see her facebecause it was just
totally covered with,CPAp and and like,
seeing how tiny she wasin comparison to, like, all
of our hands, was the sortof switching moment for me.
(30:37):
And when we got, when I got realback up to the recovery
room and I was kind ofprocessing everything
I knew then, that I was goingto struggle with, like,
postpartum depressionand anxiety from this.
Like, I know that.
Like why?
Like so first and foremost,I have a history of depression,
anxiety.
So I knew going in thatthat was a risk factor for me
(30:58):
of having depression, anxietyafter pregnancy.
And then this like in my mind,I was like, this is this was
traumatic.
Like, this is birth trauma.
And I knew that sitting inmy hospital bed the same day
and I was like, this is notI'm going to try to get myself
(31:18):
the support I need, butI know that I'm not going
to feel good for a while.
Like, this is not going to dothis is not going to sit
well with me and like mymental health, not being
able to like, be with mylike I'm in I'm in a unit in
the hospital.
That's for people with likehysterectomy because
the recovery floor was too busyand the moms who have
their babies got to be up there.
(31:38):
And I was on the floorwith people who eventually
a couple other pregnant ladieswho also have babies in
the neck.
You joined me on that floorwhile I was there for four days,
but I was like the only postpartum person on that floor.
And it was so quietand isolating.
And so I just.
(32:01):
Yeah, I cried and then Iactually emailed an
old therapist.
But like, in processingit more, I, I really felt
like I wanted to work withsomeone who was a mom and had
experience with, like, maternalmental health because I knew
that was the directionI was going.
Why was that important to you?
That it was someone whois also a mom?
(32:24):
Because I wanted someonewho could relate in the like.
I mean, if they had like aweird trauma or whatever,
like whatever theirexperience was.
And I learned later,a lot of the therapists drawn
to perinatal mental healthhad their own some kind of
experience postpartum or likeinfertility or birth trauma
(32:46):
or postpartum depression,anxiety, like somewhere on that
spectrum.
And I, I knew I was goingto have like want someone
who had experiencedsome of those similar things
to me, because I knewI was going to need someone
I could relate to.
And so I did reach out tomy therapist.
But then once I got home,well, after she got out and
(33:08):
Nikki really, because thatwas sort of the main focus,
I then started searching fora therapist.
So, so I can get into thatmore too.
But that was a two yeardifficult journey to find
the therapist to work with now.
But yeah, but I knew thenthat I was going to need
support.
I just didn't knowwhere to get it other
than finding a therapist.
(33:30):
Now I know many more resourcesI would have given myself
at the time, but yeah, but thatback then, I just didn't
know what to do, so.
And how was that for you?
So, you know, I heard youmentioned, you know, four days
in the hospital, but thenI imagine you're still going
back. Yeah.
So she so it was four daysin the hospital before
she was born and the four daysafter because I had a C-section.
(33:51):
So they keep you for four days.
Plus, I still was havingthe fluid on my lungs.
And cardiologist wasthe last one to clear me
to leave the hospital, actually.
Okay. So, so, yeah, leaving,the hospital on day four,
was horrible.
And driving away especiallyI had the four days I was there.
(34:16):
I would get wheeled downto the you for the first
couple of days.
So I was able to walk down thereby myself the last kind of day
and a half.
But, I would see you haveto like you come out
of the elevator and it's thesame elevator everyone is
coming out of, and I would seethese moms with their babies
at the exit waiting to leave.
And I'd see that every time.
(34:36):
I'd not only, like, come downfrom my room, but even when I
came back, I'm coming throughthat same door.
What was going through your headas far as that narrative?
I feel like so manyof the stories that we're
hearing from parents are that,you know, there's this
stereotype, this is whatparenting looks like.
And to kind of see that theother parents in real life.
(35:00):
Yeah, kind of havingmaybe the quote unquote
traditional experience for youthat not be your experience.
Yeah.
Can you talk me through that.
Yeah.
So that was another reallychallenging part of my journey.
And like my mental healthat the time, because every time
I saw one of those moms, I waslike, it's not fair.
(35:21):
Like, it's not fairthat I'm here.
Like watching my daughterstruggle to breathe and to eat
and getting jaundice and allof these things, and they have a
totally healthy baby.
Like, what did I do?
And so it was a lotof self-blame for me.
It was it was my fault.
I got preeclampsia.
It was my fault that shewas there for an early like
(35:42):
it was a very negativenarrative.
And watching all thesemoms leave, like with what,
at least from appearance,looks like they're healthy
babies was a very hard pictureto continue to walk through,
like multiple times a day,day after day.
And, and I remember, therewas a lady, I think
(36:03):
she was like a new grad mom.
Okay.
When I went to check in one ofthe patients there,
she was like, you're going toget to go soon.
And I'm like, like in my head,I was like, thank you.
Like, I just said that toeveryone.
But I was like, it doesn'tfeel like it.
Like it would make you feel likethe longest days of your life,
and it feels like it'snever going to end.
(36:25):
And so even the moms who I knewwere like relating to me because
they were watching me check inand like, they were just
they were dropping off snacks,and they were so appreciative
of the nurses that they,like, knew what I was going
through.
I still like feelingvery isolated.
Yeah.
And so it was.
Yeah, it was tough.
And I, I didn't reallyrest until the very end when she
(36:53):
was about to get discharged.
And then if you, if,when I stopped kind of doing the
comparison game.
But it was she was therefor 34 days.
So it was three full weeksof like sort of this isn't
still not right.
Like why, why did this happen?
And it's a struggling to watchthose moms.
You had to have that be thethe daily.
(37:13):
I hear you saying,you know, 3040.
Is it that I mean, if you thinkabout it in the grand scheme of
things, if you're brainand our brains are so good
at telling us, you know,critical things about ourselves
and about the worldand to kind of have that
happy happening daily. Yeah.
Imagine just, gosh, the tollthat that would take on
(37:34):
on your sanity when it'snot just like once a day,
it's like when I was inthe hospital, I was going down
to the neck you 4 to 5 timesa day at least.
Like I go up there like restwhile she was sleeping,
and I try to come back.
And then when I was visitingher, after we left the hospital,
it was like, I go in and Isee somebody leaving with
their baby, and then I come outto get a snack because you
(37:55):
can't eat or drink in the urine.
I see somebody else living withtheir baby, and it was just
like a constant reminder ofwhen I wasn't doing that.
Like, I have to go back inand see my daughter continue
to struggle, like medically and,you know, not go home.
And so and even that, like thepicture you have of like leaving
(38:16):
the hospital with your babywhere you like, are wheeled out
in your carrying baby and likethe dad is following or
other parent is following,like all the supplies.
And the nurse isn't likeI didn't get any of that either.
Oh wow.
So because it was 34 days laterso that I didn't even get
to carry my own baby out ofthe hospital, the nurse had
the hospital policy carryher out of the hospital
(38:39):
and handed to me to put inthe car.
So like, there wereso many moments that were just
kind of lost in my likefirst time parenthood that
where it was just like grief,like after grief of this
like experience not being at allwhat I had imagined since I was
a kid wanting to have kids.
(38:59):
So, yeah.
So that was that was tough.
That was a part of it, for sure.
I'm curious, like for you,how how do you survive that?
I mean, honestly, I, I don'tknow exactly.
(39:19):
I was just kind of one footin front of the other every day.
What actually helped more thanI thought was sharing my story.
So it was like day nine,like late 90s old when I
finally posted on Facebookthat I had had her, I think
it wasn't day.
It it took me several daysto process.
Yeah.
(39:39):
And, but I shared a good chunkof my story that I had, like,
preeclampsia and like,parts of it.
And I had a lot of peoplereach out to me, even
and even then, and I've hadmore people reach out to me
since then of like, you know,thank you for sharing.
Like I went through somethingsimilar with anything.
And it was we talk about whetheryou have three queens here,
(40:03):
like Nikki moms in thiscommunity you never thought
or wanted to be a part of.
But it's a beautiful community.
Once you're in it.
And there were other momsin the queue who were
really kind, and the nurseswere really kind, and I think
the like and, you know,my husband was supportive
and was like trying thisfor the best he could,
not knowing what to do either.
You know, if it was ajourney for him as well.
(40:25):
But but I think it was wonderfulhaving people in your corner.
I mean, I had my mom,even though my dad was
really sick.
My family was in Coloradoat the time, and my mom flew out
to drive me to the Nikki.
For the first two weeks,I was allowed to drive,
even though it was anhour drive.
Every single day.
She was driving me to the tothe hospital.
(40:47):
Because my husbandstill couldn't take time off
work yet because he only hadfour weeks of paternity leave,
and we were going tosave that for when she got home.
So which that's a whole nothera whole other issue.
I'm not doing that with that.
That's a whole governmentpolicy issue we're going
to talk about.
So yeah.
But yeah.
So she drove me everysingle day.
(41:08):
So I think it was like peoplesupporting that was all that
got me through it becausemy mental health was not good.
I mean, how many timesI went home after the Nikki
and cried or like, was cryingin the Nikki because I
had missed being ableto hold her by like two minutes
because the nurse did itright before I came in.
Like it just it was.
(41:28):
It's such, a heavy, heavyexperience in the Nikki and,
the other grief partand hard part and part of my,
I think mental health as well,was that you don't get to be
their parent.
The hospital staff istheir parent, and you're like
a volunteer that comes inand holds them and like has
(41:48):
to sign off documents.
Like that's really how, at leastfor me, that's how it felt
in the Nikki becausethey tell you when you can
change them and when you canfeed them, and when you can
do everything.
And that part of like notI mean, it really did affect
like my bonding withmy daughter.
I think at first becausenot only did I not
get to hold her very muchand I wasn't, I was towards
(42:11):
the end, I got to start to getto know her.
But I didn't get the other thanbeing called mom.
When I walked into the Nikki,like, I didn't feel like a mom.
Yeah, and and I know otherpeople can experience that too.
Even you don't have aNikki baby.
But it's very muchan environment that kind of
sets you up to notfeel like a mom right away.
(42:32):
And so it was you know,it was a struggle.
And then it was a struggleat the end because when she
started to do better andshe was awful, a lot of
the things I was advocatinglike, she's ready, she's ready
to go home, like, now I knowher enough that, like, I know
she's ready.
And they have all these policiesthat I understand
(42:52):
are in place to keep her safe.
But like, like there was onenight I stayed overnight
because that's one of thelast things you do.
Is one of one or both ofthe parents will stay in the
hospital overnight and youget like a room there to, like,
watch her all nightand make sure she doesn't
have any home Brady episodesfor her.
She stopped breathing.
(43:12):
While she's especially whileshe's eating or sleeping.
And I was laying next to her,and it's a lot of noise.
And they make you lots of noisesfrom your room, from
other rooms.
But I was laying nextto her, like, sort of in and out
of sleep, and the nurse comes inand she's like, everything okay?
Like, yeah, it's fine.
Like she's sleep monitor wasn'tgoing off.
Nothing.
(43:33):
And she just leaves.
And the doctor comes inseveral hours later and says
she had a Brady episodethis morning.
So we have to extend three daysbefore she can leave again.
I said, what are youtalking about?
I've been here the whole time.
And so apparently this nursewas with another kid, had seen
something on the monitorthat indicated she was
having a Brady episode, hadto log that.
And that delayed our dischargefor another three days.
(43:55):
And we were like on the lastday, like it was going to be
the next day to discharge.
So it's this constant,like, what it's like to have
that, like, you know, to feelso close and then and then
they go, no, no, no no, justjust kidding.
Yeah.
It's like you're runninga marathon.
And they were like just kidding.
Where we had it was not the end.
(44:16):
Like, you have anotherfive miles to go.
And it was just over likeand and it happens all the time.
Like from the beginningit was like, oh well, we took
her out.
We're trying to feedher bottles.
Oh, you didn't quite finishthis bottle.
So we have to keep thefeeding tube in like all of
it was that.
And again, like, I understandthey have policies and they have
(44:36):
things that they need to do,but like, as mom who wants to
take her home because itstill doesn't feel right,
she's here.
Everything just felt likeanother setback after setback
after setback.
And so, so yeah, it wasnot something I would recommend.
Oh, no.
Thank you.
Oh, I.
(44:56):
Oh.
You ready?
Yeah.
But no, it's.
Yeah, it's it's even I've hadfriends who've gone for
a couple of days becausethey had a baby full term,
but they had like healthcomplications.
They had to be checked in on orthey swallowed fecal matter
or like something else.
And even their experienceis very like so, like more
(45:16):
condensed now, like soI wouldn't not stay here longer.
But it's, it is a very,very intense place.
And and one of the things I wishthey had had is I wish
they had had therapists on staffto meet with us while we were.
Our kids were in the McHughI think it was.
They had social workerswho walked around and kind
of like check in andgave resources, but it really
(45:37):
wasn't like a therapy sessionwhere you broke down
sort of crying in front of them,and then they would, like,
sit with you.
But that wasn't the intention.
And they ran a group.
But it was like if it felt to melike a group that was added,
it was when the doctorswere doing their rounds to get
the parents out of the like.
Parents weren't allowed to bein the room for that hour
of the week and that's what itfelt like, that this group
(45:59):
was to just get the parentsout, got it.
And so I feel like, yeah,it didn't feel like a supportive
space.
I felt like, well, you'regoing to have to be kicked out
anyway because the doctors inthere were asking Michael,
join this group.
And I that didn't sitwell with me and I never
felt drawn to doing that.
There are wonderfulsupport groups, like Postpartum
support Internationalhas an amazing like McHugh
(46:21):
support group for parentswhose kids are in the Nikki
were were in the McHugh.
So that's what I would do.
That's the group I'd probablyjoin for that hour when I,
you know, whatever timethey have.
Because, it's it's not likea forced sort of situation, but,
but yeah, I think thatwas one thing that was
really missing.
(46:42):
And maybe what helped herwere like therapy resources
for moms or parentsas they leave the McHugh.
Like, here's therapistswho know how to work with yours,
who've had a McHugh experienceif you want it.
Like, you know, I don't have it,but here's a sheet of paper
like we leave you with so manypapers about baby.
And that's somethingthat was one of the things like
postpartum.
(47:02):
That is why I was calledto working with perinatal
mental health, becausethere's so much focus on baby
and very little focus on momor parent.
Yeah.
And so there, you know, I go tothe pediatrician, they're like,
how are you?
And it's like, do the backdepression inventory that
they give us that I've seenfrom grad school.
And I like new what it was.
(47:22):
And I'm still trying to answerhonestly.
And they're like, oh, it's likemedium depression.
So like yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Like, why are you checkingif you're not actually going
to like, talk to me about itor provide me resources?
And I had to ask for resourcesand then none of those resources
were available.
So then, like I mentionedearlier, it was a two
year journey to findingmy therapist because I had
(47:44):
a therapist I work withfor a few sessions that wasn't
I was like, at that pointI was just like, I need
a therapist.
She's a mom.
Like good enough.
And it just wasn't a fitbecause she just couldn't.
She could sympathize with whatI was going through, but it was
it was so intense that I couldsee that it made her
uncomfortable.
And then I was in my then I putmy therapist hat on and tried
(48:05):
to make her comfortable.
And we talked about likemy family and said, or
something else that it wasn'twhy I was there.
And then it was waitlists and orthey didn't take my insurance
and, you know, so thenit was that battle of like,
how do I get myself where I knowI need when there's very limited
resources?
Absolutely.
And so, yeah, that'sso difficult.
(48:26):
First I want to have fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, I want our stuff.
My fun niche, I love it.
My mother loved it. So.
Okay.
Mine.
I left in a little longer.
Not up in the conversation.
You want a little bit lessokay around, but that's okay.
(48:48):
It'll still taken some healthychocolate and butterscotch.
So.
All right.
And then let's check on her.
Yeah.
So that you just want, like,it should be a solid shot.
You should be able to pick upthe whole piece of it.
Probably.
I'll put it in the freezer.
Yeah. Perfect.
(49:09):
Yeah.
My mom, we grew up in Colorado,so my mom would leave
these outside in the snowwhen she was cooking them in
the winter.
Okay, so yeah, so do it a littlebit last 35 to 30 minutes,
I think where I think we wenta little bit past the 30.
Okay.
And so tell me, for anylisteners that are listening
(49:30):
and or watching today,what are some of those resources
that are availablefor anybody who who can
relate to the story or iscurrently kind of struggling
with this?
Yeah.
So like what I loveis Postpartum Support
International.
So after, I really startedfeeling drawn to perinatal
mental health because of my owndifficulty finding support,
(49:52):
I started doing research.
I'm like, where can I findsupport?
And not only do they havea directory of therapists,
they also offer 50 plussupport groups every month
with the different.
I know I mentioned Nikki moms,but there's moms offering
session anxiety.
There's moms who've had loss,there's moms pregnant
after loss.
(50:12):
Like there's so many differentcategories, and there's LGBTQ
groups and, like just tonsof different like categories.
There's dad groups or parentgroups too.
So they have tons of resourcesfor groups.
They also provide, like support,which what do they call it,
(50:33):
like the peer support,for people who they either do
a training or they'rejust somebody that's willing to
talk to chat.
They have a hotline specificallyfor mom, or they're for people
experiencing postpartum thatcan call in if they are having
difficulties.
And then for therapists who areinterested in this, they do
like a perinatal mental healthtraining and certificate
(50:54):
that you can eventually doif that's something
you're all to.
So great.
And then also, I thinkjust for me, I searched
a lot of like psychologytoday and the I ended
up joining, insurance basedplatform called headway
where you can searchspecifically for maternal
mental health and infertilityas a search criteria for the
therapist to takeyour insurance.
(51:15):
So that was a great resource.
Once I found that took a while.
And then just I think tellingpeople like and telling
your other mom friends, you'rehaving a hard time.
I think just talking about itand not isolating, I think that
was one of my, my biggestmistakes is I was like
(51:36):
telling people I'm like,I'm depressed.
And they're like, yeah, okay.
And I like, wasn't I was notexpressing like what was
actually going on.
Like I was a therapist had likelabeling it.
And they're like, yeah, you'rejust seeing a therapist.
Like it's, you know,she's fine now.
She's just never say thatto anyone who's having a mental,
(51:58):
at like the oh, but now, like,it's just not helpful.
But I think just talkingwith other.
And that's why sharing my storyactually has been really
important to me over the lastfew years.
I've shared it throughcounseling with Joey.
I even shared on my like,Psychology Today profile
that I'm a Nikki mom.
And because it's importantfor me to know, for people
(52:21):
to know that, like if theywant to share their experience.
Like, I may not knowexactly their experience,
but I know some of the feelingsthat they're feeling and some of
the things that they'regoing through.
And I think finding other peoplewho in, you know, in my circle
and that circle extended, aftershe was born and I shared
(52:42):
my story to talk about, like,this is hard.
And I find the more I talkabout it, the more people I find
that have a similar experience.
Like I shared it in the work andsomeone's like, oh yeah, my
son was born seven weekspremature, and we had a Nikki
story about that long and,you know, and and so I find
the more I talk about it,the more people like, find it
(53:02):
to relate to.
And that helps in the healing.
I think knowing you're not alonein your journey.
And I think what you justmentioned there, knowing that
you're not alone, that's that'sbeen the whole mission project
for this podcast, because itcan be so isolating and lonely.
There are so many of those.
There's, you know, insta perfectkind of parenting stories that
(53:26):
I think nowadays,even even back, you know, older
generations.
There's those TV showswhere you have this is
kind of what a parentlooks like.
Yeah, yeah.
And to be able to kind of seethose things and you're you're
comparing yourself.
I feel like it's a naturalinstinct for you to go.
My story doesn't look like that.
So what's wrong with me?
(53:46):
You know why?
Why am I different?
You know, and I heardyou mentioned kind of earlier
that, you know, thatthat narrative, it must be
I caused this.
So then, you know, I thinkmost people's when you feel that
that way, you know,it can lead to feeling shameful.
And so then you pull inwardsand, and we don't reach out.
(54:07):
And because not, not as manypeople, it's not the cool thing
to do to kind of shareyour story that's outside
of the unicorn and rainbowskind of mentality that that
if it does, it increases thatthat loneliness and isolation.
Yeah.
And I tell my like momsI work with and parents they
(54:28):
work with that like socialmedia can be a great thing,
but it can also be reallydamaging thing because I
feel like you do eithersee the like, sunshine
and unicorns and rainbows storyor you see the horror stories.
And I try not to be ahorror story.
I feel like I have a little bit.
I haven't shared some ofthe positive stuff today,
but like, I like I find thatit's either one extreme
(54:50):
or the other.
And I actually one thing thatdid help is I did find
like, preemie moms group in apreeclampsia group.
And I see both stories like,I see people who are like
just looking for adviceor they're sharing, like,
how long they were in.
And we're here for you.
And, you know, and alsothe people who are, like,
coming on and they're like,I preeclampsia with my
first delivery and I did it formy second.
(55:11):
Like it's possible.
And so there's thehopeful stories that are so
realistic of like this.
You know, I know that you guysare worried that this
is going to happen again.
There's a possibilityit won't happen again.
And so like you give some ofthat hope, but you just have to
approach the social media sidewith like some caution
that people are editingtheir story.
Yeah, in one way or another.
So absolutely.
(55:33):
Yeah.
Well, thank you so muchfor joining us and helping us
pull back the curtain to kindof actually show us these
real life storiesbecause they're out there. Yes.
And they're not all sunshineand rainbows.
I know, because parentingis hard.
So thank you so much for being aguest on us and teaching us
the recipe.
Yeah, sorry, that's ourbutterscotch, but it's
(55:56):
still tasty.
And I was I was in the story.
All right.
So thanks so much forjoining us.
We'll see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources
you can get help.
(56:17):
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today'srecipe.
Social media's supportand resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
(56:38):
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe and stayup to date on all things
the real Family.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!
Every time I saw oneof those moms, I was like,
it's not fair.
Like, it's not fairthat I'm here.
Like watching my daughterstruggle to breathe and to eat
getting jaundice and allof these things.
And they have a totally healthybaby.
Like, what did I do?
(00:22):
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! All right,my guest today is Kelly.
(00:53):
Hi, Kelly.
Thanks so much for joining us.
Thank you for having me.
Yes.
I am so excited to hearand have you talk about
your recipe as well asyour story.
But first, for everyonethat doesn't know you, can you
introduce yourself for us? Yeah.
So my name is Kelly Parker.
I'm a licensed marriageand family therapist.
And I have worn many hats overthe years, but, what kind of
(01:17):
brought me here today isI have started working
in infertility and perinatalmental health after my
own journey, which we'll talkabout today.
And so I have sort of two hatsstill I work, solo in a private
practice doing work with moms,perinatal mental health couples,
(01:39):
parents, who are experiencingpostpartum depression, anxiety,
OCD, those kind of things.
And then I also work with awonderful company counseling
with Joey that does, infertilitybased third party reproduction
services.
So we work with parentswho are before their journey,
who are utilizing a spermdonor, egg donor, surrogate,
(02:02):
going through IVF, IUI.
And, we work with the parentsand also the surrogates
and donors.
Wow. Yes.
Okay.
So for anybody that needs any ofthose services or needs support,
are there social media handlesor websites that they
can find this information on?
Yeah.
So to find my, perinatalmental health individual
(02:22):
practice, I am right now just onPsychology Today and I use
a platform called headway,which is an insurance
based platform, because that wasreally important to me. Okay.
And then for counselingwith Joey, we have a website
counselingwithjoey.comAnd then I also have,
social media through counselingwith Joey.
That's Kelly underscorecounseling.
Joey.
Okay, perfect.
So make sure to check some ofthat out if that applies to you.
(02:45):
All right.
So tell us what recipes I knowwe've got two recipes
going today.
So tell us a little bitabout them.
And why.
Why did you bring theserecipes for us.
Yeah.
So I, I struggled with this partbecause I'm a recipes person.
So I do a lot of online recipes.
But these are actuallyreally personal to me.
So as I was growing up, my mom,every Christmas and holiday
(03:08):
season for our teachersand like, friends and for us,
would make these candies.
These are just two of, like,five, six, seven that she would
make.
But these, I thought were twothat are very budget friendly,
very easy to make.
You can do these with kids.
So I thought this would beperfect for this form.
(03:31):
Wonderful.
Okay.
So which one are we startingwith first.
So we're going to startwith this seven layer bar.
Because this is just kindof throw everything together
and stick it in the oven andwait for it to be done.
So I thought that would bea good start.
Okay.
So tell me kind of what stepsI'm doing first and I'll
get started.
Yeah.
So we're going to start with thegraham cracker layer on
the bottom which this has grahamcrackers and butter.
(03:53):
And then you're goingto put in the just sprinkle
all over the chocolate chips.
The butterscotch chips,the coconut, the walnuts.
And then once that's all kind ofin a layer, I'm looking like
you want you pour overthe condensed milk. Okay.
Perfect. Yeah.
So all I do that I knowyou've had quite a journey
you just mentioned even kind ofalluded to it.
Yeah.
(04:14):
And so I'd love to kind ofhear what, what led you to
the passion work that you'vebeen doing?
Yeah.
So, my journey started in,early 2021.
My now husband, we werenot married at the time,
but my husband and Iwere wanting to have a baby.
And so we, started on that path,and we actually had better luck
(04:38):
than I anticipated.
I am always so ananxious person, so I anticipated
having a harder time gettingpregnant.
It was a few cycles, but,But nothing difficult at
the beginning.
Which is very different.
I mean, there's a populationthat you work with.
Absolutely.
I imagine that those folksthat it doesn't quite.
(04:59):
Yeah.
Come as easy.
Absolutely.
So yeah, I got very, very lucky.
And I recognized thateven before I started working in
the population, I'd have friendswho've had trouble getting
pregnant.
So, I very much recognizedthat it was easier
than I thought.
And I always have had somekind of body issues, so
I was worried I wouldhave, like, all the worst
symptoms of pregnancy.
(05:20):
And I didn't experiencethat either, which was
a big shock to me.
I obviously have some symptoms.
I was really tired, but overall,through most of my pregnancy,
I, was feeling really good.
And I was very proud of my bodyfor what it was doing.
Okay.
And then when, I was afew months into my pregnancy,
towards the end of the secondtrimester, we found that my dad
had terminal cancer.
(05:41):
So that really kind of was astressor that in hindsight,
I was not dealing with as muchas I should have been.
Can you say a little bitmore about that? Yeah.
So I like I had sort ofcompartmentalized in my mind
my pregnancy and my dadbeing sick and getting cancer.
(06:03):
Like I was like, well,these things aren't connected
because I'm feeling really goodpregnancy wise.
But I wasn't reallyacknowledging how much stress
his diagnosis was putting onour family and like,
my body and, and I and I'm like,absolutely not blaming that.
It's just one of the thingsthat was going on at the time.
(06:24):
And I think in hindsight,I would tell myself
to like, start seeinga therapist and figure, okay,
it was just something thatit was just as unacknowledged
stress.
I really was separating themin my head.
So, and on top of that,I had a very, very stressful
job at the time.
I was working in, likeGovernment County mental health,
(06:48):
and I was a management managerposition and that so
it was a lot of stress.
And again, like,compartmentalize that over here.
So, like, head work over here.
I had my dad and then I hadthe pregnancy.
And for me, I was like, well,I feel good in the pregnancy.
So none of these are related.
Like they're not coming back toeach other.
Yeah.
And my body decided different.
(07:10):
So at my, it was technicallysupposed to my 30 week
appointment, but we werea little bit behind schedule,
so it was I was exactly 31weeks.
I went to my 31 week doctorappointment, and I had
a high blood pressurereading, which was the
first one.
Okay.
But she seemed worried.
I still wasn't.
I was like, oh, it's fine.
Like it's one it's.
(07:32):
Yeah, it's the doctor.
The doctor's making me nervous.
Whatever. Yeah.
So I went home.
She told me to monitor at home.
I wasn't able to get a bloodpressure cuff to the next day,
so when I did, at lunchtime,it was still high,
and I was like, wow, it'shot outside.
And, like, I was working today,and I was still kind of
(07:52):
making excuses, but I wasstarting to be a little nervous
because it's 24 hours laterand I was at home. Okay.
And then I, did another readingan hour later and it was
still high.
And so then I really started toget worried, and I called the,
like, labor and delivery triageor the hospital, and
(08:14):
they're like, you know what?
Monitor do another readingin an hour, and if it's
still high, then come downlike try to do things for the
next hour to like, calm downbecause I know you're
probably panic right now.
So try to bring yourselfback down.
And that doesn't help the noticethat, and so I, I did I did
another reading.
It was still high.
So we cracked that because Iwas not at all prepared to go to
(08:37):
the hospital that day.
So we had the bag, and went downto the hospital. Okay.
And it was still veryhigh when I got there. So,
unfortunately, that was a one ofthe harder moments of many.
But that initial kindof intake into the hospital
(08:57):
was very scary.
I'd never been to the hospitalfor myself.
Never, like, never brokena bone or, like, had to go to
a hospital for any reason.
So being wheeled back in triage,they have like multiple
nurses in they're all tryingto like ask me questions
and do put Ivy in and allof the things.
And I just kind of lost it.
(09:19):
And this really wonderful nursekind of paused everyone
and slowed everythingdown. But it, it was just
sort of the start of wonderfulnurses that it was stressful
from sort of the get. So, sothey checked me in,
they monitored and checkedmy blood pressure every
(09:39):
15, 20 minutes all nightwith no change.
So no sleep.
No sleep, for me, no sleep formy husband.
And we just kind of werewaiting.
And I still in the backof my mind thought like, well,
it's okay.
Like, I'm going to it'll calmdown and like, they'll maybe
they'll give me some medicationand I'll go home.
(10:01):
Can you tell me more? Kind of.
Yeah, because I heard youmultiple times.
Like, it sounds like you wentthrough a couple of different
states of mind.
You know, first, I heardyou mention kind of that
wheeling back and some ofthis year that I kind of
started to say.
Yeah.
And then still, as you mentionedthere, checking, you know,
you're admitted there checkingyour blood pressure.
(10:21):
And, you know, you kindof talked a little bit
about still still your brainwas kind of working overtime,
it sounds like, to convinceyou kind of know, you know,
we're all good.
Can you kind of talk us throughthat thought process and like
what was going on for youupstairs?
Yeah.
It was I will say that partother than, like,
(10:45):
I remember that panic momentwhere the nurse had to sort of
stop everything, it's ait's kind of a jumble and a bit
of a blur, because Ijust remember feeling like
this isn't happening.
Like this isn't right.
Like, that was the themegoing on for the next week and a
half months.
But it was more like,I just remember sort of feeling
(11:09):
really out of control all of asudden.
And I went from like one daybeing really proud of my body
to like, what's happening.
And that was tough.
And then the other piecethat really was confusing for me
and why I kept thinking, like,this will be fine.
I'll go back to I'llgo back home.
They're going to release mesoon.
Yeah, because I had no othersymptoms of preeclampsia
(11:32):
other than the high bloodpressure readings.
Can you tell that for anybodylistening?
Kind of what is thatand what are some of the signs
that maybe you you were saying,you know, I wasn't seeing
any of these other things.
Yeah.
So preeclampsia is sort of thenext step.
Not the last, most severe,but the next step with
(11:53):
high blood pressure.
So what happens withpreeclampsia.
Typically the signs arelike extreme swelling of
your feet and your they keptasking me if I had headaches
obviously high blood pressurereadings.
And then ultimately what happensfor me is I eventually
had protein in my urine,which means that my kidneys
(12:14):
are shutting down.
So eventually preeclampsialeads to, like, organ failure,
which can lead to like, helpsyndrome as well, which is
even more severe.
So I didn't get that farbecause I was still
in the hospital when all ofthis happened.
But, yeah, it's it's prettyscary.
And also in hindsighttoo scary that I if I hadn't
(12:34):
gone to the doctor that dayand had that high blood pressure
reading and started monitoringmyself, I would have had
no other indicationpersonally that I was having
high blood pressure, at leastat that point.
Then the whole time I was inthe hospital never got
the headaches or the swellingor any of it until after
my daughter was born.
Was it something that you wereaware of that was even kind of
(12:56):
on your radar?
Not yes and no.
You told me at the beginning ofmy pregnancy, because of
my weight and my familyhealth history, that I had,
I was at risk for high bloodpressure.
Gotcha.
But I hadn't known anyone of myfamily or, like, at that point,
I didn't know I had friends.
I did, but I didn't knowat the time that I had a friend
(13:17):
who had preeclampsia.
So I wasn't it wasn't somethingmajorly on my radar that I
felt like I needed to behyper aware of.
What it.
Yeah.
And so imagine that,you know, it's it's not uncommon
for us.
I remember even withboth my boys.
Yeah.
You get some of those pamphletsright when you go in and they
(13:37):
tell you a little bit about,oh, here are some things
to look out for.
But I, I honestly can't evenremember that for my own
two pregnancies that, you know,people may not be aware
that those are things thatwe need to be aware of.
One and kind of what are some ofthose signs like, truly,
that they ought to be kind oflooking for that magic, kind of
(14:00):
that deer in the headlights ideawhen this not all of a sudden
kind of comes crashing toa halt.
Yeah.
In your journey.
Yeah.
Well, and not just that,but they kept kind of asking
the same questions of headachesfor me.
They kept checking my feet,and I still had none of it.
So I was like, well, it must nothave it that bad because
all these things I'm saying noto all the time.
(14:21):
And then by day, like 3 or 4,they had me on some medications.
I got my blood response.
I was like, I'll be fine.
And so and we can getto that part.
But it just still didn'tseem real.
If I had headaches or my feetwere really full and I was like,
okay, well, all thesethings you're asking me
that matches what, like I'mfeeling.
So that makes sense.
So it wasn't it was sortof another.
(14:43):
And I battled with thefor a while after like
another way my body kind oflet me down and not warning me
that something was happeninginternally.
And it really kind of made mequestion like, well, my body
warned me if there's somethingwrong.
And so that was kind of afear as well that sort
of developed.
Absolutely.
Gosh. Okay.
(15:03):
So I think I'm ready to goin the oven.
Yeah.
So we're at three 5350for 30 minutes okay.
So it's kind of crispy likeand so we'll check in and sorry
I will put it in okay.
So what's next for usbefore we dive into more
of the story.
So this one's even easier.
So we've pre melted some whitechocolate and some crunchy
(15:25):
peanut butter.
Okay.
And you're going to mix thetwo of these together actually
in that one before we pour iton the tray.
So you're going to mix it andget it good.
And mix so that allthe chocolate is fully melted.
And it's all when they'retogether.
Perfect.
And so then once I mix this.
Yeah.
You're going to pour iton the sheet.
Perfect.
And then you're goingto take the milk chocolate
(15:45):
and just kind of drizzle it onand do whatever fun design
you want in the show. Yeah.
All right.
So tell me more as I mix these.
Yeah.
So once I had my initial kindof check in, they monitored me
there.
They put me on magnesium,which anyone who's been
on is not fun.
And the intention ofthe magnesium was to try
(16:06):
to bring my blood pressure down.
So that's usually like.
Well, at least that'swhat they told me.
That's how people goon magnesium.
So I, was on that for 24 hours.
And then after the 24 hours, Iwas, it was like 5 or 6 hours
later, the middle of the night.
(16:26):
And I was feeling some like whatfelt like indigestion.
And so I had called in my nurseand she'd given me some
indigestion meds.
And hours later, like ithadn't changed.
I was still feeling some,like, pressure on my chest.
So then they said.
I told the nurse because Iwas like, now at this point,
(16:48):
I'm like any weirdnessin my body.
Like, I don't know what it isI don't trust.
Like back to the theme.
I don't trust my body anymore.
So anything that feelsstrange, I'm just going to tell
the nurse I'm already here.
So, so I told her and this waskeep in mind this was
September 2021.
So still Covid protocols.
Yeah.
And, I even though I had donea Covid test the night before
(17:10):
when I had intakes in the E.R.,they did full Covid like face
suits, to come in and do aCovid test because they were
worried it was like some kindof indigestion or infection
or something.
I did that I did not haveCovid, but, it sort of led
us down this rabbithole of like, well, it's
not this, and it's not this andit's not this.
(17:32):
And in the end, I wasbeing monitored by a
cardiologist because they werejust worried about this fluid
on my lungs that had developed.
I've talked to peoplein research since, I don't
know that this is a normal sideeffect of magnesium for people
or just something that happenedto me, but it was just strange
timing that I finished it.
And so I don't know, I'mnot just, something medically,
(17:55):
something medicallyweird happened while I was in
the hospital.
And so in my care, they hadsort of started they were still
working on the bloodpressure issue, but now
I also had this added, likecardiologist who was coming in
every like six or so hoursto check on me.
And ultimately they wantedto do, to monitor my heart
and make sure it wasn'tany heart issues.
(18:17):
So they moved me from thematernity unit because they
thought I was stable enoughover to the medical unit,
and I was being followed forI was like 24, 36 hours with
in the General Medical Hospital.
And then they were sending oversomeone every first it was like
2 to 3 hours, and thenit was four in a six to monitor
(18:37):
baby. Wow.
And so that was much calmer,actually, and a little bit
easier.
I wasn't hearing people havetheir babies next door,
which was kind of a relief.
Like I was like you say, yeah.
So when I was checked in, I wason the labor delivery
delivery floor.
So I'm hearing people likein labor through the
(18:59):
walls, like, and thenbaby screaming that they're
having their baby. Andthat was a different kind of
trigger of I don't want that tobe happening to me.
Like, I don't want to be hereat 31 week having my baby.
Yeah.
And so hearing other peoplewho I mean, I don't know if they
(19:21):
were having healthy deliveriesor not, you know,
I have no idea.
It's just people in here,no one else.
But it was kind of a relief tobe on a medical unit
where I'm like,this is a medical platform,
and my baby's not coming,so I can just hang out here.
Do you think it was a little bitnot only a relief because
you're not hearing other folks,but that maybe it was also
for you?
(19:41):
Yes.
It's a medical issuewe need to attend to for myself,
but it's not indicativeof something kind of happening.
The baby.
Yeah for sure.
Like I just felt betterthat like, okay, this isn't
a baby issue anymore.
This is my body'sdoing something weird.
So maybe we'll get to go home.
And that actually was theconversation.
So the last what I thoughtwas going to be my last day
and turned out to bemy daughter's birthday,
(20:03):
in the hospital, they weretalking about discharging me.
I was I was going to bedischarged for sure from
the medical unit.
And then the maternity sidewas coming over to check on me
regularly.
But that morning urinesample was the one I had to me.
Or my indicator my kidneys areshutting down and I still
didn't know
until like 3 (20:22):
00 in the afternoon.
Right?
Yeah.
So they had gotten my resultsprobably sometime in
the morning.
Came to talk to talkto each other like because I had
the high risk baby doctorand the OB who is who ultimately
delivered my daughtercome together over
to the cardiology wing totalk to me about the fact that I
(20:45):
was going to be havinga C-section.
That's.
Yeah, that was that.
That sounds incrediblyscary. Yeah.
I have this, you know, bunch ofwhite coats.
I mean, that in itself,I feel like for, for folks
can get the anxiety.
It can just go through the roof.
Now you're, you're seeingall these people who
who are there, and thenyou know, like I wasn't there,
(21:06):
but I imagine the faces weren'tnecessarily kind of sunshine
and unicorns and rainbows.
And so, I mean, is that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
So it was it was alsointeresting because I
had kind of calm myselfdown a bit, being on that floor.
And they had stopped checkingon baby as frequently.
So I had started to sort offeeling at one end of being
(21:27):
false sense of securitythat everything was fine.
And then all of a suddenit's like, you know,
a small team.
It was two of them.
But like in my mind,it's like these two doctors,
like coming in and be like,just kidding.
Again.
Everything you thought you knewabout this pregnancy in
your body, taking it back againbecause your kidneys
are shutting down.
And, I do a light just drizzlelike.
(21:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, perfect.
Like that.
And so yeah, it was, it was,it was really kind of
intense and, and also I thinksomething again, in hindsight,
I asked some questions,but I was so not prepared for
delivering her 31 weeks,even with all of this scare
(22:12):
that like one of the thingsI didn't ask is why I had to
have a C-section.
Not that that was theworst part.
I actually, before all ofthis happened, I anticipated
I was going to need to havea C-section this year.
Yeah, my family just hasa history of C-section.
So it was something that like,again, my anxious mind had
been like, oh, you're preparedto have a C-section.
(22:33):
This is something that allof your family members do.
And and they struggledthrough like 24 plus hour
levers before getting toa C-section.
And I just saw devastatedthey were weren't I was like,
I'm not gonna let that happento me.
I'm not gonna be devastatedafter a C-section and I wasn't
I'm still not devastated to havethat C-section, but I have
no idea why they insisted ona C-section like that
part wasn't explained to mevery well.
(22:55):
Okay.
And I didn't ask enoughquestions about, like,
why I couldn't just be inducedand go into labor.
Like, I still don't really knowthat piece.
And maybe they had a goodjustification.
I just didn't ask about it.
Well, and I imagine thatyour state of mind, mate,
we talk about it, in theprofessional world thing, you're
(23:15):
you're not necessary up in yourfrontal.
Well, which is for those of youthat don't know, right
up in here.
Yeah, that's got your logic.
That's got your rationality,I imagine in that state, yes.
Although you have that partof your brain, wasn't
fully online at that pointto be able to think, okay,
here's all my questions.
(23:36):
Let me kind of think really,really rationally about this.
Absolutely.
And it's something that I likehow I would change that now.
And what I kind of consideris like having a, extra
support person.
So the other thing I didn'tmention is I had been in
the hospital four daysfor four days at that point,
and we thought I was going home.
So I sent my husband homebecause it was a Monday
(23:58):
to go to work, because he onlyhad really limited PTO and so so
I was at the hospital by myself,anticipating he was going to
come after work and justpick me up, take me home.
That was sort of our talkedabout plan when we had talked
in the morning and the nightbefore when he left.
And so one thing that Ireally was I didn't have was
(24:20):
somebody else there to supportand answer those questions
for me when my next was notworking.
And so like people cannow like hire does like even for
C-sections, you can stillhave a doula and you can have
a postpartum during like thoseare things I've looked into more
now to, that I would probably dodifferently in future
(24:42):
pregnancies, even if it'sa totally planned C-section
and I get to full termand I get to a planned
C-section, I still willprobably have a doula
who can, like, support me inanswering asking questions,
somebody who's like, moreexperienced with labor
and delivery than me.
And you know and knows whatI would want, ideally from even
a planned C-section.
(25:03):
So it's something that was,a learning point, at least
in this part.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So do I put this.
I would still like then I runa knife through and just do
kind of a fun swirly bit.
That's the last piecethat. Okay.
And then this will goin the fridge.
All right.
Yeah.
(25:23):
So. Yeah.
So then that came the longestthree hours of my life.
Because they told me at threeand obviously I called
my husband, who, had to then go.
He had a
3 (25:39):
00 work meeting and had to go in and go.
I have to go.
I'm having a baby today.
And, and we lived an hourfrom the hospital, so he, we'll
get to this, but he barelymade it,
for 6 (25:50):
00.
And then, and then I calledmy family to tell them.
And so it was, like a shock,obviously.
It was just like, for me, wereally thought that we would be
(26:11):
going home, and so didmy family.
So then I just kind of hadseveral hours processing it
by myself for a, verywell-meaning nurse telling me
her story, which was nota super helpful one to hear
while I was waiting formy C-section.
Again, I think her intentionwas really wonderful,
but hers had ended ina hysterectomy because of
(26:33):
bleeding, and she only one.
And I was like, I really amstressed enough.
Like in my mind.
But again, with like, I'm alsovery much a people pleaser,
so I was not going to cut offher story.
But I just was I was panicked,and so then they came
and kind of wheelchair meover back to the maternity unit,
(26:54):
and I was back on the like,sort of intake side
labor delivery floor for aboutfive minutes while they
prepped me for the C-section.
And, when my husband got there,and.
Yeah.
And then like, thebiggest message I kind of was
telling myself over andover again as we were going into
a C-section was like, this isn'tright.
(27:14):
And I just kind of kepttelling myself, like, she's
too early.
Like, this isn't right.
She's not going to be okay.
And they reassured methat 31 weeks was not terrible.
She had a good chanceof surviving, like, and not
having long term healthcomplications.
But you don't know that.
And I've never seen it,you know, other than, like,
(27:36):
pictures of people online postedtheir premature babies, like,
never seen or held a verysmall baby.
And so I like that was justsort of the message
over and over.
So I'm kind of thinking that asthey will me into the
C-section room and then theC-section was after
(27:57):
she came out, was like someoneuneventful again.
Like that was the part I wasanticipating.
Okay, so the C-section,while we're in, I'm like, oh no,
I know what this feels like.
Wasn't the traumaticpart for me, other than it was
just happening too earlyin my house.
Like, this should be happeningeight weeks from now, not today.
Yeah.
And so then I, she came outscreaming, which actually made
(28:21):
me feel a little bit betterbecause one of the things
they were about,they had given me a story
that when I first got thereto help her lung development,
because she was a little in caseI had to deliver early.
And they told me that ifI had left the hospital,
they probably would havegiven me another four weeks
later.
We just didn't get thatopportunity.
But she came out yelling, sothat was a relief.
(28:42):
But then they kind of heldher up to the plastic sheeting
that was between us,and then she was gone.
And so, I didn't get any.
That was the other thing.
In hindsight, I would ask, like,she's crying.
Can I just like, you know, giveher a kiss or, like, touch her
really quickly before theytake her down to the next you?
(29:03):
Because then she wastied to tubes and like,
I couldn't hold her for another,it was like, two days.
Almost two days. So.
So I was like, if I could likethat is, again, even if I have
another preemie, if they comeout crying, I'm going to
advocate, like, can I justtell her I love her
before she goes downstairslike that?
(29:25):
Something that again,I didn't know to ask,
like didn't even think ofin the moment and would
do differently.
But they took her down.
I had my husband go down andand then the rest of
the C-section was uneventful.
For the most part,I was a little bit of blood,
but not enough.
I needed any additional medicalsupport.
And then to the recoveryunit. So, so I was
(29:51):
kind of holding it togetherbetter than I anticipated
initially.
And the recovery has beenthe sending me pictures of her,
and then he'd come upand check on me and then he
go back down.
He was kind of going backand forth between the two of us.
Well, I just kind of weaned offthe anesthesia enough
that I could.
And then they rolledme downstairs, like in the
hospital bed, to see her,and held her.
(30:12):
And that was the moment whereeverything kind of
flipped for me.
Seeing her, like, in reality,hooked her everything.
And breathing tubes.
I couldn't see her facebecause it was just
totally covered with,CPAp and and like,
seeing how tiny she wasin comparison to, like, all
of our hands, was the sortof switching moment for me.
(30:37):
And when we got, when I got realback up to the recovery
room and I was kind ofprocessing everything
I knew then, that I was goingto struggle with, like,
postpartum depressionand anxiety from this.
Like, I know that.
Like why?
Like so first and foremost,I have a history of depression,
anxiety.
So I knew going in thatthat was a risk factor for me
(30:58):
of having depression, anxietyafter pregnancy.
And then this like in my mind,I was like, this is this was
traumatic.
Like, this is birth trauma.
And I knew that sitting inmy hospital bed the same day
and I was like, this is notI'm going to try to get myself
(31:18):
the support I need, butI know that I'm not going
to feel good for a while.
Like, this is not going to dothis is not going to sit
well with me and like mymental health, not being
able to like, be with mylike I'm in I'm in a unit in
the hospital.
That's for people with likehysterectomy because
the recovery floor was too busyand the moms who have
their babies got to be up there.
(31:38):
And I was on the floorwith people who eventually
a couple other pregnant ladieswho also have babies in
the neck.
You joined me on that floorwhile I was there for four days,
but I was like the only postpartum person on that floor.
And it was so quietand isolating.
And so I just.
(32:01):
Yeah, I cried and then Iactually emailed an
old therapist.
But like, in processingit more, I, I really felt
like I wanted to work withsomeone who was a mom and had
experience with, like, maternalmental health because I knew
that was the directionI was going.
Why was that important to you?
That it was someone whois also a mom?
(32:24):
Because I wanted someonewho could relate in the like.
I mean, if they had like aweird trauma or whatever,
like whatever theirexperience was.
And I learned later,a lot of the therapists drawn
to perinatal mental healthhad their own some kind of
experience postpartum or likeinfertility or birth trauma
(32:46):
or postpartum depression,anxiety, like somewhere on that
spectrum.
And I, I knew I was goingto have like want someone
who had experiencedsome of those similar things
to me, because I knewI was going to need someone
I could relate to.
And so I did reach out tomy therapist.
But then once I got home,well, after she got out and
(33:08):
Nikki really, because thatwas sort of the main focus,
I then started searching fora therapist.
So, so I can get into thatmore too.
But that was a two yeardifficult journey to find
the therapist to work with now.
But yeah, but I knew thenthat I was going to need
support.
I just didn't knowwhere to get it other
than finding a therapist.
(33:30):
Now I know many more resourcesI would have given myself
at the time, but yeah, but thatback then, I just didn't
know what to do, so.
And how was that for you?
So, you know, I heard youmentioned, you know, four days
in the hospital, but thenI imagine you're still going
back. Yeah.
So she so it was four daysin the hospital before
she was born and the four daysafter because I had a C-section.
(33:51):
So they keep you for four days.
Plus, I still was havingthe fluid on my lungs.
And cardiologist wasthe last one to clear me
to leave the hospital, actually.
Okay. So, so, yeah, leaving,the hospital on day four,
was horrible.
And driving away especiallyI had the four days I was there.
(34:16):
I would get wheeled downto the you for the first
couple of days.
So I was able to walk down thereby myself the last kind of day
and a half.
But, I would see you haveto like you come out
of the elevator and it's thesame elevator everyone is
coming out of, and I would seethese moms with their babies
at the exit waiting to leave.
And I'd see that every time.
(34:36):
I'd not only, like, come downfrom my room, but even when I
came back, I'm coming throughthat same door.
What was going through your headas far as that narrative?
I feel like so manyof the stories that we're
hearing from parents are that,you know, there's this
stereotype, this is whatparenting looks like.
And to kind of see that theother parents in real life.
(35:00):
Yeah, kind of havingmaybe the quote unquote
traditional experience for youthat not be your experience.
Yeah.
Can you talk me through that.
Yeah.
So that was another reallychallenging part of my journey.
And like my mental healthat the time, because every time
I saw one of those moms, I waslike, it's not fair.
(35:21):
Like, it's not fairthat I'm here.
Like watching my daughterstruggle to breathe and to eat
and getting jaundice and allof these things, and they have a
totally healthy baby.
Like, what did I do?
And so it was a lotof self-blame for me.
It was it was my fault.
I got preeclampsia.
It was my fault that shewas there for an early like
(35:42):
it was a very negativenarrative.
And watching all thesemoms leave, like with what,
at least from appearance,looks like they're healthy
babies was a very hard pictureto continue to walk through,
like multiple times a day,day after day.
And, and I remember, therewas a lady, I think
(36:03):
she was like a new grad mom.
Okay.
When I went to check in one ofthe patients there,
she was like, you're going toget to go soon.
And I'm like, like in my head,I was like, thank you.
Like, I just said that toeveryone.
But I was like, it doesn'tfeel like it.
Like it would make you feel likethe longest days of your life,
and it feels like it'snever going to end.
(36:25):
And so even the moms who I knewwere like relating to me because
they were watching me check inand like, they were just
they were dropping off snacks,and they were so appreciative
of the nurses that they,like, knew what I was going
through.
I still like feelingvery isolated.
Yeah.
And so it was.
Yeah, it was tough.
And I, I didn't reallyrest until the very end when she
(36:53):
was about to get discharged.
And then if you, if,when I stopped kind of doing the
comparison game.
But it was she was therefor 34 days.
So it was three full weeksof like sort of this isn't
still not right.
Like why, why did this happen?
And it's a struggling to watchthose moms.
You had to have that be thethe daily.
(37:13):
I hear you saying,you know, 3040.
Is it that I mean, if you thinkabout it in the grand scheme of
things, if you're brainand our brains are so good
at telling us, you know,critical things about ourselves
and about the worldand to kind of have that
happy happening daily. Yeah.
Imagine just, gosh, the tollthat that would take on
(37:34):
on your sanity when it'snot just like once a day,
it's like when I was inthe hospital, I was going down
to the neck you 4 to 5 timesa day at least.
Like I go up there like restwhile she was sleeping,
and I try to come back.
And then when I was visitingher, after we left the hospital,
it was like, I go in and Isee somebody leaving with
their baby, and then I come outto get a snack because you
(37:55):
can't eat or drink in the urine.
I see somebody else living withtheir baby, and it was just
like a constant reminder ofwhen I wasn't doing that.
Like, I have to go back inand see my daughter continue
to struggle, like medically and,you know, not go home.
And so and even that, like thepicture you have of like leaving
(38:16):
the hospital with your babywhere you like, are wheeled out
in your carrying baby and likethe dad is following or
other parent is following,like all the supplies.
And the nurse isn't likeI didn't get any of that either.
Oh wow.
So because it was 34 days laterso that I didn't even get
to carry my own baby out ofthe hospital, the nurse had
the hospital policy carryher out of the hospital
(38:39):
and handed to me to put inthe car.
So like, there wereso many moments that were just
kind of lost in my likefirst time parenthood that
where it was just like grief,like after grief of this
like experience not being at allwhat I had imagined since I was
a kid wanting to have kids.
(38:59):
So, yeah.
So that was that was tough.
That was a part of it, for sure.
I'm curious, like for you,how how do you survive that?
I mean, honestly, I, I don'tknow exactly.
(39:19):
I was just kind of one footin front of the other every day.
What actually helped more thanI thought was sharing my story.
So it was like day nine,like late 90s old when I
finally posted on Facebookthat I had had her, I think
it wasn't day.
It it took me several daysto process.
Yeah.
(39:39):
And, but I shared a good chunkof my story that I had, like,
preeclampsia and like,parts of it.
And I had a lot of peoplereach out to me, even
and even then, and I've hadmore people reach out to me
since then of like, you know,thank you for sharing.
Like I went through somethingsimilar with anything.
And it was we talk about whetheryou have three queens here,
(40:03):
like Nikki moms in thiscommunity you never thought
or wanted to be a part of.
But it's a beautiful community.
Once you're in it.
And there were other momsin the queue who were
really kind, and the nurseswere really kind, and I think
the like and, you know,my husband was supportive
and was like trying thisfor the best he could,
not knowing what to do either.
You know, if it was ajourney for him as well.
(40:25):
But but I think it was wonderfulhaving people in your corner.
I mean, I had my mom,even though my dad was
really sick.
My family was in Coloradoat the time, and my mom flew out
to drive me to the Nikki.
For the first two weeks,I was allowed to drive,
even though it was anhour drive.
Every single day.
She was driving me to the tothe hospital.
(40:47):
Because my husbandstill couldn't take time off
work yet because he only hadfour weeks of paternity leave,
and we were going tosave that for when she got home.
So which that's a whole nothera whole other issue.
I'm not doing that with that.
That's a whole governmentpolicy issue we're going
to talk about.
So yeah.
But yeah.
So she drove me everysingle day.
(41:08):
So I think it was like peoplesupporting that was all that
got me through it becausemy mental health was not good.
I mean, how many timesI went home after the Nikki
and cried or like, was cryingin the Nikki because I
had missed being ableto hold her by like two minutes
because the nurse did itright before I came in.
Like it just it was.
(41:28):
It's such, a heavy, heavyexperience in the Nikki and,
the other grief partand hard part and part of my,
I think mental health as well,was that you don't get to be
their parent.
The hospital staff istheir parent, and you're like
a volunteer that comes inand holds them and like has
(41:48):
to sign off documents.
Like that's really how, at leastfor me, that's how it felt
in the Nikki becausethey tell you when you can
change them and when you canfeed them, and when you can
do everything.
And that part of like notI mean, it really did affect
like my bonding withmy daughter.
I think at first becausenot only did I not
get to hold her very muchand I wasn't, I was towards
(42:11):
the end, I got to start to getto know her.
But I didn't get the other thanbeing called mom.
When I walked into the Nikki,like, I didn't feel like a mom.
Yeah, and and I know otherpeople can experience that too.
Even you don't have aNikki baby.
But it's very muchan environment that kind of
sets you up to notfeel like a mom right away.
(42:32):
And so it was you know,it was a struggle.
And then it was a struggleat the end because when she
started to do better andshe was awful, a lot of
the things I was advocatinglike, she's ready, she's ready
to go home, like, now I knowher enough that, like, I know
she's ready.
And they have all these policiesthat I understand
(42:52):
are in place to keep her safe.
But like, like there was onenight I stayed overnight
because that's one of thelast things you do.
Is one of one or both ofthe parents will stay in the
hospital overnight and youget like a room there to, like,
watch her all nightand make sure she doesn't
have any home Brady episodesfor her.
She stopped breathing.
(43:12):
While she's especially whileshe's eating or sleeping.
And I was laying next to her,and it's a lot of noise.
And they make you lots of noisesfrom your room, from
other rooms.
But I was laying nextto her, like, sort of in and out
of sleep, and the nurse comes inand she's like, everything okay?
Like, yeah, it's fine.
Like she's sleep monitor wasn'tgoing off.
Nothing.
(43:33):
And she just leaves.
And the doctor comes inseveral hours later and says
she had a Brady episodethis morning.
So we have to extend three daysbefore she can leave again.
I said, what are youtalking about?
I've been here the whole time.
And so apparently this nursewas with another kid, had seen
something on the monitorthat indicated she was
having a Brady episode, hadto log that.
And that delayed our dischargefor another three days.
(43:55):
And we were like on the lastday, like it was going to be
the next day to discharge.
So it's this constant,like, what it's like to have
that, like, you know, to feelso close and then and then
they go, no, no, no no, justjust kidding.
Yeah.
It's like you're runninga marathon.
And they were like just kidding.
Where we had it was not the end.
(44:16):
Like, you have anotherfive miles to go.
And it was just over likeand and it happens all the time.
Like from the beginningit was like, oh well, we took
her out.
We're trying to feedher bottles.
Oh, you didn't quite finishthis bottle.
So we have to keep thefeeding tube in like all of
it was that.
And again, like, I understandthey have policies and they have
(44:36):
things that they need to do,but like, as mom who wants to
take her home because itstill doesn't feel right,
she's here.
Everything just felt likeanother setback after setback
after setback.
And so, so yeah, it wasnot something I would recommend.
Oh, no.
Thank you.
Oh, I.
(44:56):
Oh.
You ready?
Yeah.
But no, it's.
Yeah, it's it's even I've hadfriends who've gone for
a couple of days becausethey had a baby full term,
but they had like healthcomplications.
They had to be checked in on orthey swallowed fecal matter
or like something else.
And even their experienceis very like so, like more
(45:16):
condensed now, like soI wouldn't not stay here longer.
But it's, it is a very,very intense place.
And and one of the things I wishthey had had is I wish
they had had therapists on staffto meet with us while we were.
Our kids were in the McHughI think it was.
They had social workerswho walked around and kind
of like check in andgave resources, but it really
(45:37):
wasn't like a therapy sessionwhere you broke down
sort of crying in front of them,and then they would, like,
sit with you.
But that wasn't the intention.
And they ran a group.
But it was like if it felt to melike a group that was added,
it was when the doctorswere doing their rounds to get
the parents out of the like.
Parents weren't allowed to bein the room for that hour
of the week and that's what itfelt like, that this group
(45:59):
was to just get the parentsout, got it.
And so I feel like, yeah,it didn't feel like a supportive
space.
I felt like, well, you'regoing to have to be kicked out
anyway because the doctors inthere were asking Michael,
join this group.
And I that didn't sitwell with me and I never
felt drawn to doing that.
There are wonderfulsupport groups, like Postpartum
support Internationalhas an amazing like McHugh
(46:21):
support group for parentswhose kids are in the Nikki
were were in the McHugh.
So that's what I would do.
That's the group I'd probablyjoin for that hour when I,
you know, whatever timethey have.
Because, it's it's not likea forced sort of situation, but,
but yeah, I think thatwas one thing that was
really missing.
(46:42):
And maybe what helped herwere like therapy resources
for moms or parentsas they leave the McHugh.
Like, here's therapistswho know how to work with yours,
who've had a McHugh experienceif you want it.
Like, you know, I don't have it,but here's a sheet of paper
like we leave you with so manypapers about baby.
And that's somethingthat was one of the things like
postpartum.
(47:02):
That is why I was calledto working with perinatal
mental health, becausethere's so much focus on baby
and very little focus on momor parent.
Yeah.
And so there, you know, I go tothe pediatrician, they're like,
how are you?
And it's like, do the backdepression inventory that
they give us that I've seenfrom grad school.
And I like new what it was.
(47:22):
And I'm still trying to answerhonestly.
And they're like, oh, it's likemedium depression.
So like yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Like, why are you checkingif you're not actually going
to like, talk to me about itor provide me resources?
And I had to ask for resourcesand then none of those resources
were available.
So then, like I mentionedearlier, it was a two
year journey to findingmy therapist because I had
(47:44):
a therapist I work withfor a few sessions that wasn't
I was like, at that pointI was just like, I need
a therapist.
She's a mom.
Like good enough.
And it just wasn't a fitbecause she just couldn't.
She could sympathize with whatI was going through, but it was
it was so intense that I couldsee that it made her
uncomfortable.
And then I was in my then I putmy therapist hat on and tried
(48:05):
to make her comfortable.
And we talked about likemy family and said, or
something else that it wasn'twhy I was there.
And then it was waitlists and orthey didn't take my insurance
and, you know, so thenit was that battle of like,
how do I get myself where I knowI need when there's very limited
resources?
Absolutely.
And so, yeah, that'sso difficult.
(48:26):
First I want to have fun.
Yeah.
Yeah, I want our stuff.
My fun niche, I love it.
My mother loved it. So.
Okay.
Mine.
I left in a little longer.
Not up in the conversation.
You want a little bit lessokay around, but that's okay.
(48:48):
It'll still taken some healthychocolate and butterscotch.
So.
All right.
And then let's check on her.
Yeah.
So that you just want, like,it should be a solid shot.
You should be able to pick upthe whole piece of it.
Probably.
I'll put it in the freezer.
Yeah. Perfect.
(49:09):
Yeah.
My mom, we grew up in Colorado,so my mom would leave
these outside in the snowwhen she was cooking them in
the winter.
Okay, so yeah, so do it a littlebit last 35 to 30 minutes,
I think where I think we wenta little bit past the 30.
Okay.
And so tell me, for anylisteners that are listening
(49:30):
and or watching today,what are some of those resources
that are availablefor anybody who who can
relate to the story or iscurrently kind of struggling
with this?
Yeah.
So like what I loveis Postpartum Support
International.
So after, I really startedfeeling drawn to perinatal
mental health because of my owndifficulty finding support,
(49:52):
I started doing research.
I'm like, where can I findsupport?
And not only do they havea directory of therapists,
they also offer 50 plussupport groups every month
with the different.
I know I mentioned Nikki moms,but there's moms offering
session anxiety.
There's moms who've had loss,there's moms pregnant
after loss.
(50:12):
Like there's so many differentcategories, and there's LGBTQ
groups and, like just tonsof different like categories.
There's dad groups or parentgroups too.
So they have tons of resourcesfor groups.
They also provide, like support,which what do they call it,
(50:33):
like the peer support,for people who they either do
a training or they'rejust somebody that's willing to
talk to chat.
They have a hotline specificallyfor mom, or they're for people
experiencing postpartum thatcan call in if they are having
difficulties.
And then for therapists who areinterested in this, they do
like a perinatal mental healthtraining and certificate
(50:54):
that you can eventually doif that's something
you're all to.
So great.
And then also, I thinkjust for me, I searched
a lot of like psychologytoday and the I ended
up joining, insurance basedplatform called headway
where you can searchspecifically for maternal
mental health and infertilityas a search criteria for the
therapist to takeyour insurance.
(51:15):
So that was a great resource.
Once I found that took a while.
And then just I think tellingpeople like and telling
your other mom friends, you'rehaving a hard time.
I think just talking about itand not isolating, I think that
was one of my, my biggestmistakes is I was like
(51:36):
telling people I'm like,I'm depressed.
And they're like, yeah, okay.
And I like, wasn't I was notexpressing like what was
actually going on.
Like I was a therapist had likelabeling it.
And they're like, yeah, you'rejust seeing a therapist.
Like it's, you know,she's fine now.
She's just never say thatto anyone who's having a mental,
(51:58):
at like the oh, but now, like,it's just not helpful.
But I think just talkingwith other.
And that's why sharing my storyactually has been really
important to me over the lastfew years.
I've shared it throughcounseling with Joey.
I even shared on my like,Psychology Today profile
that I'm a Nikki mom.
And because it's importantfor me to know, for people
(52:21):
to know that, like if theywant to share their experience.
Like, I may not knowexactly their experience,
but I know some of the feelingsthat they're feeling and some of
the things that they'regoing through.
And I think finding other peoplewho in, you know, in my circle
and that circle extended, aftershe was born and I shared
(52:42):
my story to talk about, like,this is hard.
And I find the more I talkabout it, the more people I find
that have a similar experience.
Like I shared it in the work andsomeone's like, oh yeah, my
son was born seven weekspremature, and we had a Nikki
story about that long and,you know, and and so I find
the more I talk about it,the more people like, find it
(53:02):
to relate to.
And that helps in the healing.
I think knowing you're not alonein your journey.
And I think what you justmentioned there, knowing that
you're not alone, that's that'sbeen the whole mission project
for this podcast, because itcan be so isolating and lonely.
There are so many of those.
There's, you know, insta perfectkind of parenting stories that
(53:26):
I think nowadays,even even back, you know, older
generations.
There's those TV showswhere you have this is
kind of what a parentlooks like.
Yeah, yeah.
And to be able to kind of seethose things and you're you're
comparing yourself.
I feel like it's a naturalinstinct for you to go.
My story doesn't look like that.
So what's wrong with me?
(53:46):
You know why?
Why am I different?
You know, and I heardyou mentioned kind of earlier
that, you know, thatthat narrative, it must be
I caused this.
So then, you know, I thinkmost people's when you feel that
that way, you know,it can lead to feeling shameful.
And so then you pull inwardsand, and we don't reach out.
(54:07):
And because not, not as manypeople, it's not the cool thing
to do to kind of shareyour story that's outside
of the unicorn and rainbowskind of mentality that that
if it does, it increases thatthat loneliness and isolation.
Yeah.
And I tell my like momsI work with and parents they
(54:28):
work with that like socialmedia can be a great thing,
but it can also be reallydamaging thing because I
feel like you do eithersee the like, sunshine
and unicorns and rainbows storyor you see the horror stories.
And I try not to be ahorror story.
I feel like I have a little bit.
I haven't shared some ofthe positive stuff today,
but like, I like I find thatit's either one extreme
(54:50):
or the other.
And I actually one thing thatdid help is I did find
like, preemie moms group in apreeclampsia group.
And I see both stories like,I see people who are like
just looking for adviceor they're sharing, like,
how long they were in.
And we're here for you.
And, you know, and alsothe people who are, like,
coming on and they're like,I preeclampsia with my
first delivery and I did it formy second.
(55:11):
Like it's possible.
And so there's thehopeful stories that are so
realistic of like this.
You know, I know that you guysare worried that this
is going to happen again.
There's a possibilityit won't happen again.
And so like you give some ofthat hope, but you just have to
approach the social media sidewith like some caution
that people are editingtheir story.
Yeah, in one way or another.
So absolutely.
(55:33):
Yeah.
Well, thank you so muchfor joining us and helping us
pull back the curtain to kindof actually show us these
real life storiesbecause they're out there. Yes.
And they're not all sunshineand rainbows.
I know, because parentingis hard.
So thank you so much for being aguest on us and teaching us
the recipe.
Yeah, sorry, that's ourbutterscotch, but it's
(55:56):
still tasty.
And I was I was in the story.
All right.
So thanks so much forjoining us.
We'll see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources
you can get help.
(56:17):
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today'srecipe.
Social media's supportand resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
(56:38):
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe and stayup to date on all things
the real Family.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!
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