November 26, 2024 • 50 mins
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Join Reesa Morala, LMFT, mom of two and owner of Embrace Renewal Therapy & Wellness Collective, as she shares parenting struggles, tips, and insights alongside guest host Amanda. In this episode, Reesa opens up about the challenges of parenting a high medical needs child, including when her first baby stopped eating at three months old. She dives into how she learned to advocate for her child, developed her own version of dream feeding, and navigated the emotional toll on her wellness, identity, and marriage.
As they discuss parenting resources, support, and strategies, Reesa shares her delicious Filipino Spaghetti recipe—a comforting family favorite. Discover how to balance the chaos of parenting with meaningful family meals!
Don’t forget to subscribe, like, and follow for more parenting tips, relatable stories, and inspiring recipes.
💬 What parenting challenges have you faced? Share your story in the comments!
🍝 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!
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Filipino Spaghetti
INGREDIENTS:
1 15 oz can of tomato sauce
2 12 oz bottles of banana ketchup
12-24 boiled and peeled quail eggs
1 package of Filipino hot dogs, sliced
1lb of ground meat
Brown sugar, to taste (roughly 2 tbsp)
16 oz of cooked spaghetti noodles
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. In a large pot over medium-high heat brown ground meat.
2. Before meat is fully cooked, add hot dogs and brown both meats.
3. Add tomato sauce and banana ketchup, scraping out the brown bits on the bottom.
4. Season sauce with brown sugar.
5. Add cooked quail eggs and stir.
6. Once eggs are warmed through, add spaghetti noodles and toss to coat.
7. Enjoy!
******
Disclaimer:
The content provided on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment.
The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the podcast.
******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
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For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
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https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Malakai stopped eating.
Oh, no.
Altogether.
He wouldn't take breast.
He wouldn't take a bottle.
He wouldn't take formula.
Nothing.
(00:20):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought and
thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:47):
Hey, everyone.
So, Doctora Amanda is back andjoining us, but this time
we've got a very specialepisode, and she is going to be
your host today.
And I am going to be the guest.
Thank you so much for beingon our show.
I feel honored to be ableto turn the hot seat around.
Yes, absolutely.
Well, I appreciate it.
(01:08):
I thought it was only fitting,to be able to turn the tables,
like you said, and show you guysthat even though, again,
what I do, this is what I liveand breathe.
I too, have had my my strugglesin this parenting journey
because it's a very real thing.
And so I thought it onlybe fair.
I'm asking all my guests thesequestions that someone else gets
(01:29):
an opportunity to ask methe questions as well.
So thank you.
Absolutely.
So let's hit it off.
Tell me a little bit aboutyourself.
Yeah.
So my name is Reesa, and I'ma licensed marriage and family
therapist in the state ofCalifornia.
And I have been doing marriageand family therapy for, gosh,
about ten years now.
(01:50):
Practicing therapist and,I primarily work and I love
working with parents and reallysupporting that relationship,
being a parent ally.
And I do that because I think,and all my work, I have found
that that's really it doesn'tget a whole lot of love.
You know, we focus onthe kiddos.
We focus on maybe, like, thecouple's relationship.
(02:12):
And just some of the.
When the big things happen,but not necessarily on the
couple relationship when we'regoing through parenting and
navigating some of thatbecause it can be really
stressful on the parentrelationship.
So that's kind of where I live,and I love to support parents
and making sure that thatthey're thriving and that their
well-being is taken care of.
So that's a little bitabout my work.
(02:33):
I am a mom of two and I ammarried to my spouse, for 15
years.
So we've been doing this,this life for, for quite
some time.
And so that's a little bitabout me and what I do.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much.
And I'm excited.
What are you cooking up today?
(02:54):
Yeah.
So we are going to do a, acomfort food that is near
and dear to my heart.
We've got Filipino spaghetti.
So what makes this a little bitdifferent is, in the
Philippines, we we use it inthe primary source is banana
ketchup.
And so hold on there.
(03:14):
Banana ketchup.
Yes.
Okay, so it is ketchup.
Well, our version of catchup, but it's made with bananas
because, so I am FilipinoAmerican, and, we lived in the
Philippines for quite some time,and that's a big commodity.
That's what we have.
We don't really have tomatoesthat we grow, but we have
a lot of bananas.
So we found our way to kind ofbe creative.
(03:37):
I feel like Filipinos are reallygood at, you know, looking
at what the other mainland'shave and figuring out how we can
make it on our own island.
And so that's that's whatwe use.
We use banana ketchup with alittle bit sweeter, and then
we've got our Filipino hot dogsin there.
And those are red hot dogs.
And although I don't know quitethe science behind it, but I'm
(03:57):
convinced that, you know,having them sliced, in this fun
diagonal shape, really allows,you know, it tastes better, in
my opinion.
And so we've got some of that.
We've got some quail eggsin there, and then we've got
a ground meat which can be,ground turkey or ground beef
in this particular one.
We're going to use our groundbeef today.
(04:18):
Got it.
And last but not least, I seesome brown sugar fat.
So, that's another good piece.
Good comment.
So, if you've ever had Filipinospaghetti, I know that we're
trying to infiltrate the US.
But our spaghetti is sweeter.
We really like, eithersweet, sour or salty things.
That's a primary component.
(04:38):
I feel, of my interpretation ofmy culture.
And so this spaghettiis sweeter.
So we use brown sugar to sweetenit up.
Nice.
I'm excited for this.
And I think that's somethingthat I'm going to have to
introduce to my kiddos, becausethey're not usually fans of red
pasta sauce.
But if it's sweeter, thereyou go.
That's how we're going toget it.
So let's go ahead and startfor most of this is just a plug
(05:00):
and play.
I'm going to be adding things.
I've got my pot of water for mymy noodles.
It's just regular spaghettinoodles.
And then I'll just start mixing.
Perfect.
That's all we know.
What? Yes.
Sounds good.
Well, excited to kick off theconversation.
And thank you for the wonderfulintro and tell us a little bit
about your culture and welcomingus with our tastebuds.
(05:22):
Yeah, I'm super excited.
But I would love to know asa mother, you know, and as
a professional, what weresome of the challenges that
you had navigating this world?
Yeah, absolutely.
So, you know, I know we talka little bit when when we do
your interview about,some of the things that you kind
(05:44):
of had in your narrative of whoyou were going to be and what
that were to look like.
And for me, I am I've kindof got this odd family dynamic.
So I am technically a middlechild.
I have older siblings, butthey are much older.
And they were from my dad's,one of my dad's marriages.
And so I grew up when they werein the home, I was the baby
(06:08):
of the home. Okay.
And then my younger siblingsare much younger than me.
So by the time my older siblingswere out of the house,
my younger siblings came intothe picture and I, I now
became the older sibling.
And so I was the caretakervery much in our home.
And so my identity for quitesome time, I've been working
(06:29):
with kids for as long as I canremember in all sorts of
capacities.
Whether it was babysitting,I used to run like a, kids youth
group, in, in church and stufflike that.
And so I have been around kidsand being a parent was kind of
that was on my plan, if youwill.
(06:49):
And so, and I've alwaysbeen told, oh my goodness,
you're going to such a greatmother.
And that was a lot of mynarrative growing up and my
first kiddo.
So I didn't know anythingat this point.
I mean, my yes, I've been aroundkids, but I think it's a really
different.
Yes.
When you have your own kids.
Oh, yeah.
Versus when you're working,when you're watching any
(07:11):
anything else having to do withkids, it's so different and so
that's what it was for me andmy first kiddo really.
We really went through thewringer, when pretty much
right away he was havingsplit up, but it was to
(07:32):
the amount that you wouldlook at it and go, is there
anything else left in you?
And I'm seeing this and going,this doesn't feel normal.
And I mean, it was quite a bitto the point where it felt
more like vomiting, less likespit up.
(07:53):
Okay.
And so I kept going tothe doctor and I kept saying,
I think something's wrong.
He's vomiting.
And of course, you know, it was.
And what I've heard from manyparents, your first time parent
split up.
It's normal.
You're just overreacting.
Yeah.
And so I just kept gettingsent back home.
(08:16):
And it wasn't until three monthsof age that Malachi stopped
eating.
Oh no.
Altogether.
He wouldn't take breast.
He wouldn't take a bottle.
He wouldn't take formula.
Nothing chills a parentsfirst time hurt.
Any parent's worst nightmare.
(08:37):
Yes.
And I, I was just beside myselfbecause here's this, you know
child that you have.
And again I've got thatnarrative going in.
Been told all my life, you'regoing to be such an amazing mom.
And the basic need, you know,you've got Maslow's hierarchy
of need, and one of them is,you know, being able to kind of
(08:59):
be fed.
Yeah, that's the most basic.
And my child, I could notfeed my child.
Yeah.
And I didn't know what to do.
And so of course I go back tothe doctor yet again say my
child won't you.
Oh he will.
You're probably just notdoing it right.
And so I said, here's my baby.
(09:20):
Make him eat.
Please show me how I'm doing itwrong.
And so they got and they werelike, well, maybe, you know,
it's just the breast pressure.
I said, okay, by all means, tryformula.
At this point I was like,I just need my kid to eat
whatever it is.
Just I just need my kid to eat.
And so in the office, well,the other thing that they
(09:41):
started listening a little bitmore is because his weight
started rapidly declining, andall of a sudden they go,
hey, what's going on?
And I said, he won't eat.
And I said, oh, well, you know,that's when the whole oh, you
might be doing it wrong.
Stuff.
And so that was definitelyvery hard because you don't
(10:02):
if you, you get likesome of the, the nurses that
come by and show you how tobreastfeed, at the end of
the day, there's it's still a,you know, your body is
different.
They're they're different.
And so I, I read everything I'm,I'm very I like to know
the facts.
Yeah.
So you know, my I did notget the what to expect
(10:24):
when you're expecting book.
I got I said I wanted the MayoClinic.
Give me all the nitty gritty.
I want to know it all like so.
You know, I've read all thebooks.
I've done all the homework.
I love, you know, I love to beprepared.
I'm such a perfectionist in thatway.
And so, you know, I was justbeside myself, you know,
and then to hear kind of, well,you're, you know, must be
(10:46):
something you're doing wrongwas really just only affirming
all of those narrativesof, like, this is a knee
problem, that my kid can't eat.
And so, they in the office,I remember very clearly.
They pulled out one of those,like, little, you know,
sample cans of formula thatthey have.
And but this is the pre-mixedone.
(11:07):
And they, they took Malachiand they went to try to feed him
and they con it.
And all of a sudden they wentfrom, you don't know what you're
talking about to going, I thinksomething's wrong here.
And I really I've been sayingthis since, like, you was three
weeks old and he's nowthree months.
(11:28):
And so that was when ourjourney of, our medical journey
really started for him.
And so I think that was,that was for me, especially,
again, this is my I'm in thefirst three months of being
a parent, you know, it was like,oh my goodness.
(11:48):
And now here is all these thingsand we've got to figure out
this battle so that I thinkthat was probably some of the
most difficult, of my parentingjourney and kind of starting
it off in that way.
Oh, gosh.
So I hear what you're saying,and, you know, regardless of the
amount of experience you havewith children, other people's
(12:10):
children, daycare, nursing,teaching, everything, at the
end of the day, you can shutthat off, hand them back
to their parents, and thenyou go home and you deal with
whatever you're doing.
100%.
So there's this on off switch,and then for it to all of
a sudden become a no.
This is your 100% full timeresponsibility.
And in this vulnerable state,after having a child, just the
(12:33):
hormonal, you know,reconfiguration of things
and to have a moment whereyou're sharing this
vulnerability with a medicalprofessional or whoever
it may be, and then say, no,the problem is you, sweetheart,
like, yeah, go back and dobetter. No.
And so I'm so grateful that youwere able to continue
(12:54):
to advocate for yourself,because in a moment like that,
somebody could easily be like,I failed, I'm a failure.
I'm not good at this.
This is.
No, but there was somethingwrong with your child, and you
trusted your instincts andyour gut, and you kept going
back.
But, I can't imagine that'sdefinitely a rocky way to start
a new relationship with thislittle being.
(13:16):
And, you know, how didall of this affect your
relationship with your partner?
So in order to answer thatquestion, I probably need to
explain a little bit furtherout of kind of how that journey
ended up progressing becausewe now have this big problem
the child won't eat, eventhe doctors can't
get them to eat.
(13:36):
So we start a medicalappointment.
After a medical appointment,I spent so much time in urgent
care ers, doctors offices.
That was my world.
And mind you, I'm doing thisall the while being at the end
of my MFT graduate program.
(13:58):
Wow.
And so I was literallyI remember, you know, I would be
in, in the E.R.
with my notes on one side,my baby and the other trying
to study for a big exam.
I don't know when we're actuallygoing to get seen in this E.R.,
you know, when you go inand it's it's kind of a nebulous
(14:19):
time.
And so half the time I was onsleep list going in because,
again, this is the time whereI'm taking all my exams
to be able to pass and to beable to say, yeah, you know,
you can go be an MFT.
And so, you know, I'm doingall of that.
And at this point, the only waythat I found to be able to feed
(14:39):
him was doing what's calleddream feeds.
What's that?
So dream feeds are and Ididn't know that there was a
name for it.
I just knew that I workshoppedand I was able to
figure this out.
And it wasn't until much laterthat I found out that there's
a word for what I was doing.
Yeah.
And, and that was the only waythat I found to feed him was to
essentially rock him tothe point that he was right in
(15:03):
that I'm about to fall asleep,but not quite asleep yet,
and I would have him latchbecause then his, his kind of
automatic system would,would kick in and he would latch
fall asleep while latched and Iwould hand express milk into him
(15:25):
while he slept well.
And because it's slow andhe's not actively participating,
it took twice as long to get himfed and I would have to do
weight feed.
So essentially I would weigh himbefore I went to rock him.
I would get him latched and Iwould hand express what I
was hoping was enough food.
(15:46):
I would weigh him while he'ssleeping and try to guess about
how much I was actuallyable to get into him.
Wow.
And so he was asleep for thisentire thing.
So you know that old sayingsleep when the baby slept?
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't have that option.
And this sounds like this isa whole other layer.
Like a whole other process offeeding.
(16:08):
It's not this, you know,the baby is doing the work
and it's coming out, or you'reputting the bottle together and,
you know, it's a whole timeconsuming thing going into
weighing before weighingafter is are they gaining
weight?
Is it working?
Is this enough?
What happens if how are youprocessing all of this?
(16:29):
Honestly, I wasn't I totallywent into survival mode of
just my.
My kid needs to be fed.
You're telling me this is myjob?
I ought to be able to knowhow to do this.
And right now, this isthe only way that I can get milk
into him.
So I'm going to do it becausethat's what needs to happen.
(16:51):
There was honestly, and,you know, I don't think a whole
lot of time because again, I amin the middle of this program,
I'm determined because if I wereto stop, that would prolong me
being in school even more.
And I was right,I was at the end.
I could taste it.
And so half the time I'm up,you know, at 2 a.m.
(17:15):
in the morning, hand expressingon my phone, trying to study
my notes in the dark, handspressing while rocking back
and forth.
Because if at any moment he wereto wake up enough, he would
stop, he would vomit it all upand he would be done like
there'd be no feeding him for,you know, a good until next nap
(17:36):
time, essentially.
And so, so there wasn't really awhole lot of time.
I had many, many other thingsthat were on my mind that
I needed to do that were moreimportant than what was going
on for me.
And so I see that all to thenthe same time, to answer
(17:57):
your question about howit affected my my relationship
with my partner,that was our lay there was not a
relationship with my partner.
We were he was there just,you know, would check in and
when I would go to class,he would just have to to be with
(18:19):
Malachi trying to feed him.
But most of the time he can't dowith a bottle what I can do,
you know, while while dreamfeeding him, you know, and so
he was working full time, buthe worked from home, so he was
doing all of that while havinga baby who was hungry.
(18:39):
But when me, And so by the timeI get back, it was here, please
feed him because he hasn't eatenall day.
And so I would feed him andthen it was, okay, here, you try
to shove something downyour throat and in between while
he's away.
Yeah.
And then that was it.
And I definitely think thatfor me, because I wasn't taking
(19:05):
care of my wellness, I was oneven less sleep then you you
get with having a new child,you know, you get like the,
the lack of sleep.
But because I wasn't, I wasn'table to to sleep while he slept
because that's the only timehe would eat it was very few
and far between.
I'm taking all my exams.
(19:25):
I'm doing all of that. But,I wasn't I don't think I was, I
was there to be able to have arelationship at all.
And, so it really took a toll.
We were we were both in kind ofsurvival mode.
And I remember at one point,you know, I can't speak for him
because I'm not in his head,but I at one point, I remember
(19:50):
he had.
He he had been doing thisnot eating.
And then when he was up he wasvomiting everything.
So it's kind of this like losingbattle.
I would get food in him, buthe would be vomiting it all up.
So how much food actually stuck?
You know, there were stillbunches of a lot of concerns
at the same time, you know,we're going to doctor's offices.
(20:11):
And I remember at one pointI just disassociated because
there was nothing left.
And I was sitting thereand I knew I was taking
care of baby, but there was likemy eyes glazed over.
And I remember Josh tryingto talk to me, and I had
nothing, I had nothing, and soI only I can only imagine what
(20:32):
it would be like to havea partner who was not there
because I, like I said, glazedover.
I was not present.
I was not home.
And that for me, I think wasin my mind, the only way
I was going to survive was that,disassociation piece and
(20:54):
survival mode.
And not just, you know, havinga newborn where, like you said,
you're already sleep deprivedand emotions and going through
learning all these thingsand then adding a medical
complication on top of that.
And I can only imaginethe feeling of helplessness
and the feeling of like, thisis what I can do and I
(21:15):
move forward.
How did you muster the strengthto move forward?
And mind you, still goingto school?
Did it ever come like, wereyou ever considering pausing?
Were you ever considering I needthis to be a better mother.
What?
What was going through your headthrough all this?
Yeah.
Now, in hindsight, so very much,I am a a goal driven person.
(21:42):
When I set my mind to dosomething, I'm going to complete
it.
And I think a lot of that had todo with, some of the, you know,
some of my background growing upand kind of the expectations
that were put on, on me,there was a lot of chaos in our
home.
And so, you know, my, my rolewas to, to be perfect, to,
(22:02):
to not be the problem.
And so in that instance, pausingdoes not line up with that.
That's not an option.
Like you said you were going todo this same thing with with
having Malachi.
I think we intentionally choseto have this child.
There's no pause here.
There's there's no ifs, ands orbuts.
(22:24):
You're going to finish it.
And you're just going to have tofigure it out.
And, you know, I heard youmentioned kind of the, the
overwhelming piece, and itabsolutely was, I think for me,
some of the difficulty, too, asa result, because he couldn't,
really go for long periodsof time at all without vomiting.
(22:46):
I mean, we would we would changeclothes maybe six, almost
ten times in a day.
Wow.
Because he would.
And and ourselves too.
Because it would be all over us.
And so because of that,going out, even just for
something like grocery shoppingwas the scariest thing
(23:06):
in the world, becausethat was like, what if you vomit
in public and then everybody islooking at you, and then
I have to change him and thenit's all over me.
And so it was like it wasn'tjust going out for us, it was we
have bags and bags evenoutside of like your normal.
And I say normal is becauseit was such.
I didn't realize that it wasmy first kid.
(23:28):
How much stuff we had to getprepared in order to go out,
and it didn't really clickfor me until I had my second
kid who did not have the sameissue, and I would go out like,
I remember the first coupletimes that we went out with a
toddler and the new babythat I'm anticipating having
to do the same amount of liketen outfit changes a day, and
(23:50):
we would come home and all ofthe outfits would still
be there.
And I was like, wait, what?
Why am I not having to, like,carry all of this stuff at the
same time?
And so for me, it didn't reallyclick on that.
That was not typical.
And so because of that, we,we very much self-isolated.
It was scary to go out and dothings.
(24:11):
It was scary to.
And we don't have family here,so there wasn't a whole ton
of events.
But I remember even just withfriends, if it was longer than,
you know, an hour total.
And that's including traveltime.
We would say no becausewe didn't want to, you know,
if he was going to vomit,at least we vomit at home.
(24:33):
We've got a routine.
We know how to handle it.
It's been what we've been doing.
And so that was reallydifficult.
And I think for me, like a, areally big and I didn't
realize it at the timethat I was kind of struggling
with that narrative, so much soof like, you know, this is this
(24:55):
is my job.
It should be easy, quoteunquote.
Until I remember very vividly,I was driving home from,
from from class and, I wason, on the 15 freeway and it's
so clear.
And I was talking to my motherover, over the phone and
(25:19):
telling her the struggle thatwe've been having and that how
at this point, because he's notlatching properly.
My my nipples are chapped.
There's four.
I was getting clogged ductsall the time.
I had, you know, all sortsof issues that were kind
of stemming from that.
And I was lamenting about howdifficult it was.
(25:42):
And my mom said, it's not thathard.
Rissa, I used to just put youon the bed, pop my boob out and
stick it in your mouth, andyou would eat.
I don't understand what's thewhat's the issue?
It's not that hard.
And in that moment, I said,oh my God, it's like my own
mother, you know, was notoffering that support, made it
(26:08):
feel I was already feelingisolated.
I'm you're feeling super lonely.
And then to have this, like,compounding, it's a you probably
like, figure it out.
It was I remember at that pointI think my shutdown went from
like I was already there.
It's where you've been furtherlike I'm dying and there's
(26:28):
nothing, nothing else.
And so because of that,it didn't make it really
hard to, to come out of it andto, to see some of the other
side of it because as Imentioned, there was no pause.
But I knew for me, pause wasn'tan option that I gave myself,
that I gave myself permissionto do.
(26:48):
But I also didn't knowI couldn't see the other side
at this point, there'stwo things you said that really
resonated with me, and one ofthem being, you know, this
this first time, mother, and youhad mentioned that you had work
with children and you'regoing to school to be
a therapist and working withfamilies to help them and
(27:09):
individuals, and then to bein this situation.
And you don't know what youdon't know.
And I say that because youmentioned the word normal.
What's normal for a child?
Yes, the children split up,but they're not retaining
anything or not gaining weight.
That just does not seem right.
And you know, how much are yousupposed to be changing?
(27:30):
How much do you take out?
Yes, it's scary to leavethe house when you have
a newborn, because all ofthe things that you need that
you may have forgotten, andthen you have to carry and where
are the changing rooms?
Where is all this stuff? Yep.
But then on top of that, to noteven realize, like you
mentioned, compounding,there was so many other
things on top of.
Yeah, the average experienceand to not know that.
(27:51):
So that's got to be hard.
Do you think everybodydoes this?
Why can't I figure it outand why?
It's just me and I shareI didn't have that community
around me to like, hey, you'reyou having the same experience
or what's going on?
Or did you see this?
Or do you know anybody who hasthe scared to open up to
other people?
Because if you open up andthey say no, you're just
(28:14):
doing it wrong and you'refailing, and that reaffirms
this, oh my gosh, I reallydon't know what I'm doing.
And and to self isolate.
It's such a scary space becausesomething I've learned is
it takes a village.
It really takes a village.
It sure does.
And you know, that is thankfullysomething that I've been able
to learn as I continue.
(28:35):
But you're so right.
Like when you're in it, it'sit's hard to do that, period.
It's hard when you don't havethat naturally kind of built
in support system.
And and the thing is,I see that.
But at the same time, there arepeople that have physically,
(28:55):
naturally built in supportsystem, but it doesn't mean that
they are the support peoplethat are actually in your corner
have your back.
What do you mean by that?
So for example, had my so my momdoes not live close to me, but
had she.
So then it would have, you know,on the surface look like
(29:16):
well you've got to supportlike you've got a community
around you.
Your mother's here, you know.
Is that not it?
However, if that same idea,you know, if those were still
the messages that I'm getting,that's not necessarily support,
you might physically be there,but it's still not the support
that I need at that moment,etc..
(29:36):
Like you said, when that'sthose are narratives that are
already in there.
You know, it does make itreally hard to get out of that
when you don't necessarilyhave the support of someone
championing championing you.
Yeah.
That hey, you've got this.
How can I support you andhaving this?
(29:58):
So I think that that for me isthe key is not only just having
a community of physical peoplearound you, but having
a community that has your mentaland emotional well-being in mind
as well.
And how did you find thateventually a community
to support and howhow did you go about that?
(30:19):
Yeah.
So, I did slowly but surely,I built a community, my cohort
from my grad program,although there were only a
couple of us that were kind ofin parent land of our of
our life.
I had such an amazing group of,of colleagues that were willing
(30:41):
to be there for babysitters andthey knew kind of what
was happening.
And so they were preparedbecause I think that's the
other part, is that thenyou feel at least I did.
I can't speak for anybody else.
You know, I don't want to stickthis on anybody else.
Like, this is so overwhelming.
And so then you're you'rereally not going out.
I don't, you know, we did not,kind of have that.
(31:05):
And so, you know, having thosepeople around us, and then
being able to as, as we got outof that piece of it because
thankfully, we don't knownecessarily the rhyme or
the reason even the doctorsdon't know.
But at 18 months, the vomitingsignificantly decreased.
(31:26):
Wow.
And as the vomiting decreased,he started eating on his own.
And so I think for us,that was a really big clue that
I think he was eating,not eating, because it felt
really uncomfortable andhe would end up, you know,
vomiting.
And so it's like, okay,if I don't eat vomit,
which I can totally appreciate,you know, that that thought
(31:46):
process.
And so that stuff startedkind of dwindling once he turned
18 months.
But and once we got there,I think then we started
branching out.
We started finding our communitywith it for for a really
long time.
We didn't it, have thatcommunity and, have those
people to, to, to network with.
(32:07):
And so it wasn't until Iwas able to come out of
my hiding, essentially, thatI was able to, to find that.
And so it was very much,you know, we kept that at home.
We didn't tell anyone,except for, like I said,
the small cohort that that didend up kind of being privy to it
(32:28):
and helping me out in that way.
So that was some ofthe difficulty that if I were,
you know, able to to go back,I think I would have wanted
to know about more that wasn'tnecessarily given a whole ton of
resources by the doctors,either of support groups
or anything like that.
(32:48):
And so any community that I didbuild, we built from scratch,
you know, with Josh workingfrom home, his headquarters
was in a different state.
So we didn't have, like,naturally built in, friends
that we were making, inthat sense.
And so, I think that would, thatwould be some of the things
that I would want to knowor advocate you know, in, in the
(33:12):
doctor's offices is how can weget them connected with other
support people that, you know,maybe would have been able to to
provide me some sense of thatcommunity.
So the only thing that we did iswe tried to find that support
within our relationship.
And so one of the thingsthat Josh and I did end up
kind of sitting down and doingis we, at about,
(33:38):
we had been doing this maybe foreight months now, this,
this whole routine and theisolation.
We sat down and we booked a tripto Hawaii, which, I, I've lived
a good chunk of my life inHawaii as well.
So that's my if I, if peopleask me where I'm from, that's
that's the place I claimas well.
But so for me, that was asafe haven.
(34:01):
And so we booked a tripa year out as kind of if we
can just get to this point,we'll all go as a family.
Even if it was going to bedifficult, even if it meant
we had to bring a whole nothersuitcase just for being close.
Yeah, we're like, we're going totake this trip.
And so that was kind of ustrying to give ourselves,
(34:22):
a light at the end ofthe tunnel.
And so we, we made that plan.
And I think that also helps ourrelationship a lot.
It gave us something to lookforward to, to plan towards.
And it it helped my mentalwellness as well to be able
to again, if I can just make itto this point one day at a time,
(34:44):
put my head down and feedthis kid.
Yeah, essentially.
Oh my gosh.
And that reminds me of somethingyou said a little while ago
about when you're in thesemoments, of feeling overwhelmed
and stressed and isolated andnavigating uncharted
territories, what are somestrategies or tools or things
(35:09):
you would tell people to helpkind of identify that they're in
this space?
Because sometimes you don't evenrealize you're in this space.
It's just, you know, survivalmode.
And sometimes you do realize itbut don't know what to do
and where to go from there.
What would you recommend tosomebody?
Yeah.
So I think that those are it'sa couple pieces.
(35:30):
There's the coping skills andthat sense.
And so I think being ableif you are able to access,
connecting with a therapist,that can be super helpful
to find because what worksfor me may not work for
the next person.
And so I think that it can besuper helpful to find, something
(35:50):
that works for you.
For me, I am.
I do well with grounding, and sothat's getting in my body out of
my head.
I'm such a heady person.
I'm an internal processor and soI can go for days in my head and
and that's what would get meinto trouble is because I would
live up there.
So I was already physicallyisolating, and then I would
(36:13):
mentally isolate.
And so for me getting back intomy body, and really, you know,
channeling some of my othersenses is something that's super
helpful for me.
And so I use that a lotwith folks that I work with are
finding, finding somethingthat fits for them.
And that's already that's easilyaccessible because I think
the more that we can make,you know, find finding some of
(36:36):
these, you know, as thesethe kind of coping skills
that are already in your routinein some way, shape or form,
maybe we just need to tweak thema little bit to make them work
for you.
Yeah.
I think they're easier to doto commit to and to kind of make
a part of your routine.
So there's some of that.
(36:56):
But then also some of, you know,the things to watch out for
is that very much, you know,I know when we spoke for your
podcast, episode, we talkedabout kind of the postpartum
depression.
So there's all sorts of,postpartum.
There's postpartum depression,postpartum anxiety, postpartum
psychosis, even.
(37:16):
So, for example, for me, thatdisassociation, now looking
back now, knowing all the thingsthat I know, and even though
I was in the MFA programcurrently, you know, this is
to say, to normalize even meas a, in school learning,
actively learning about allthese things.
I didn't quite I don't know thatI didn't see it, but I
(37:38):
didn't want to acknowledgeor admit that I too was
struggling with postpartumand mine was a later onset.
Really kind of later inthe sense that I think mine was
really kind of precipitatedby the issues, the extra issues
that I was having with withMalachi and his feeding.
(37:59):
And so the disassociationthat is, is not typical.
And that is something thatwhen you find yourself kind of
checking out, but checkingout to the degree that no one is
home, those are some ofthe things to watch out for.
You had mentioned kind offor yours.
The fogginess there very muchwhen we're getting to
(38:21):
the Fogginess, and it'ssomething that's intrusive.
And that's usually what Itell people is that you hear
about things like the, you know,the the baby blues.
So those are things that wouldtypically kind of last for,
for shorter periods of time.
And they come in much smallerways.
And so it doesn't takesignificant work to
(38:44):
get out of it.
It doesn't take like really,really big dips, if you will,
or really, really high spikes.
Yeah.
Yes.
They're, they're waves,but they're much smaller and
they're not as intrusive when itstarts intruding kind of your
way of life to the point,like you said, for you,
(39:04):
you know, it was the socialisolation was a really big
indicator.
Again, looking back at whatis your your baseline,
if you will, and if it issomething that has taken you
so far for you fromyour baseline and it is
consistent, it is lastingfor more than just a couple
of hours.
Like those are the things that,you know, we need to be paying
(39:26):
attention to and postpartum.
Any of these depression,anxiety, psychosis can affect
even the non carrying partneras well.
And so again really taking alook at what is your baseline.
And if we're significantlystrained for that it is not your
typical.
And so at that point in timethat's when it can be really
(39:48):
useful to to reach out tosupport services.
There are hotlines.
There are support groups thatthat thankfully are starting
to really, you know, beef up.
They weren't quite there,you know, maybe the ten, 11
years ago, but they're startingto beef up a little bit more.
And so finding those waysand because it can be really
(40:11):
difficult when you're in ityourself to see it, I think
the more that we can educateour, any of our parent partners,
you know, whether it is a spouseor whether it is other family
members or other friends gettingthem educated on what to
look for, because they'llprobably have a little bit
more mental capacity to kind oftap and say, hey, I think that,
(40:34):
I think we need somethingelse in here.
It's not working.
And that's totally okay.
It doesn't mean you as a person,it's not a flaw of your
character.
Yeah, it is a flaw of of what'shappening in our lives right now
that our brain can't handle.
And guess what?
(40:54):
That that doesn't make youany less of a person.
It just means that we needa little bit of extra, extra
support in there.
Yeah.
Oh, gosh.
I love we're going to doa food check because it smells
really good. Yes.
How are we doing?
What's going on in there.
So right now our sauce ismaking it.
So I use the brown sugarand I do it to taste.
(41:15):
So if you're someone who reallywants a super sweet sauce, then
that's up to you to kind ofadd your own brown sugar level.
If you just want a little bitof that, a little bit of
sweetness, you can add that inthere.
So, I don't I'm very much afeel it until it's right kind of
person.
And so, I don't have and becauseI've been doing this recipe for
(41:35):
15 years, I don't have an exactmeasurement of my brown sugar,
so I just do it kind of until Ifeel it.
So that's where I'm at rightnow.
And the very last thingthat I add are my quail eggs,
because since they're alreadycooked, I don't want them
kind of going into likeoverly hard boiled.
So I'll pop them in right inthe end just to warm them up.
And then my noodles are go.
(41:56):
Are probably ready here for,for a drain and then we'll
mix them all together.
Sounds good. Yeah.
So I wanted to get back tosomething that you said
because I really, for mepersonally, appreciate the way
you stated it, and it's that.
How do you know whensomething is wrong and you said
that it's it's very dependenton the individual.
(42:18):
What's wrong for you mightnot be what's wrong for me.
And you know, you shared itin your mom's example.
If she's like, I don'tunderstand, like I just have
to put my move out there andyou eat it like what I.
But there is a differencebetween individuals and and and
backgrounds experiences andall of this.
And you said what your baselineis.
Anything that deviatessignificantly beyond that
(42:40):
is when there's maybe somethingwrong or something to explore or
something to consider.
Yes.
And what's different for me isdifferent from you.
And that's okay.
It doesn't have to be the same.
So I really appreciate that.
And I love the advocacy piece ofeducating the people around you
and educating the societyof people who are open to having
this conversation and and comingfrom a positive space of
(43:03):
and notice something a littleoff, like, I'm not saying
that you're wrong or you'reoff, but is everything okay?
Or noticing some of these signs?
Because that's not somethingme and my husband had. Yeah.
He just thought like, you'reangry and you're sad right now.
And that's probably whathappens.
And you'll be okay eventually.
Yeah.
No, I knew there was more thanthat.
(43:23):
Absolutely.
And I think what you justmentioned there, if if that is a
conversation, if you're asupport person and you have been
seeing, you know, some of thosewarning signs that are deviating
and you want to approach ithonestly the best way, and
I talk to all my familiesabout this is approaching
them and saying similar to whatyou said, how are you doing?
But also what can I do to bestsupport you?
(43:47):
And the reason being is becauseoftentimes when we go in there
going, let me solve it for youor I'm going to tell you what's
wrong with you.
It can just kind of naturallyelicit our defensiveness,
especially with something as asintimate as parenting.
(44:07):
It can be really easy for usto turn those ears off and to
stop listening, even though theintention behind it is, is is
trying to to help and to expressconcern.
And when we approach itwith that, how can I best
support you?
What do you need in this moment?
It gives them the autonomyto be able to kind of speak it
(44:28):
in a, in a space that feelssafe. Yeah.
And that feels similarto kind of what we, you know,
chatted about during yourepisode of that, like positive
regard of this isn't someonewho's looking to judge me.
This isn't someone who'sgoing to, tell me I'm doing it
wrong or reaffirm thesenarratives that I'm already
really good at telling myself,yeah, this is someone who's just
(44:50):
genuinely interested inwhat do I need? Yeah.
And I can vouch from calling youa friend any time.
You know, whether it bea birthday party or coming over
for a pool date or whathave you, and you see me
coming in with multiple thingsor multiple kids and grabbing
and things are falling,and you're first, you know that
(45:12):
comes out of your mouth is, howcan I help?
Yeah.
And I the first time I heardthat out of your mouth,
I've never had anybody say, howcan I help?
It's here.
Let me grab this or.
Here, let me do this or here,do that.
And so when you asked,I was like, I don't know
how you can help.
Like, I don't even know what I'mdoing.
So it it hit me like,I don't know, I don't know how
to answer that.
And then the more I heard it,the more my defenses went down.
(45:34):
And it was in a recessesthat I'm struggling and can't
bring my kids in or left bags orshoes.
No, it's.
I'm here.
We're we're together.
How can I help you?
And the more I heard it and themore it became, I'm going to say
normalize for me, the more I wasopen to.
Yes, you can help.
I would love your help.
Because, no, I can't do all thisby myself.
(45:56):
And I shouldn't have doneI shouldn't have this notion
in my head that I have to.
Yeah, I've created thiscommunity of people who love
and are wanting to supportand want the best for me.
So it's not a negativeon myself.
So absolutely.
And I'm glad that that's how youfelt.
That that's reaffirming.
(46:17):
Because absolutely.
I think that I, I am sowonderfully humbled by this
journey of parenthood that forme, when, when I see someone
else, that is my instinctiveof really, how can I help?
No judgment here, not attachedat all.
(46:37):
I really, truly.
Because maybe in that momentyou say this would be helpful.
And it's not what I wouldinstinctually go for.
And then and then I'm not asproductive in meeting
your needs.
And I think, that's that'sthat's great feedback.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, this has been an amazingconversation.
And watching you make the foodI mentioned before, I don't know
(47:00):
how to cook, but I love watchingother people cook and I love
eating the food, so I, I'm I'mstarving right now.
But is there anything lastpieces.
Parting words, wisdom, somethingyou want to make sure
we we share before we end?
I think just going back tothat idea and I gosh, for
(47:21):
every episode, I feel like it'ssomething that goes in there
of that idea of finding the waysand advocating for our society
that this whole idea that askingfor help and asking for support
and asking for our needsto be met and characterizing
that as a weakness and that it'sselfish or inappropriate,
(47:46):
like my dream world people,is that we bash that
all together because it is soincredibly hard, this,
this thing that we call life,this thing that we call
parenting is so, so difficult.
And the more that we perpetuatethis idea that, you know,
(48:08):
it means we're a failure,it means that we're weak,
it means that we couldn'twe're not super people and super
heroes.
That it just further, I think,isolates each each of us
from one another.
And it intensifies how much moredifficult this journey is going
(48:29):
to be.
As you mentioned, ittakes a village and it can be
really hard to find thatvillage.
And it's only that much harderwhen we have that narrative
out and about in the worldthat if you reach out,
if you show your warts, it'sgoing to be received and judged.
(48:50):
And I think that the morethat we can do that just
as a society and really kind ofinstead find those ways to turn
the judgment off, get curiousabout one another instead.
The more that we can actuallystart building that community
and be there and support ourparents, because after all,
you know, there's if we wantour kiddos to be thriving,
(49:13):
healthy and good humans that aregoing to be contributors
in our future.
It starts with the parentsat home.
And so for not taking careof those parents at home, we're
we're just asking for evenfurther issues down the road
with our future humans as well.
And so instead, let's justsupport and love and be
(49:34):
curious and and put me out ofa job.
Please.
That's all I want.
It's coming out of a job.
I love it, I love it.
So that's about it.
And the other questions for meand the hatch, you know, I,
I think we've got everythingcovered.
I'm ready to try your food.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much, Amanda,for joining us and being our
(49:56):
guest host today.
Oh, I'm so grateful I learned anew recipe.
It's a great conversation.
I'm glad I'm well, thank youso much.
I appreciate it.
And thank you everyone forlistening.
We'll see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussedin today's episode, make sure to
check out our show notesfor support and resources.
(50:19):
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The Real
Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sureto reach out to us and
our website found in the shownotes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support and
resources.
All of that can be found inour show notes, so make sure to
(50:42):
check them out and make sureto follow, like, share,
subscribe, and stay up to dateon all things the real family
eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought and
thoughtful food! Enjoyyour eats!
Malakai stopped eating.
Oh, no.
Altogether.
He wouldn't take breast.
He wouldn't take a bottle.
He wouldn't take formula.
Nothing.
(00:20):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought and
thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:47):
Hey, everyone.
So, Doctora Amanda is back andjoining us, but this time
we've got a very specialepisode, and she is going to be
your host today.
And I am going to be the guest.
Thank you so much for beingon our show.
I feel honored to be ableto turn the hot seat around.
Yes, absolutely.
Well, I appreciate it.
(01:08):
I thought it was only fitting,to be able to turn the tables,
like you said, and show you guysthat even though, again,
what I do, this is what I liveand breathe.
I too, have had my my strugglesin this parenting journey
because it's a very real thing.
And so I thought it onlybe fair.
I'm asking all my guests thesequestions that someone else gets
(01:29):
an opportunity to ask methe questions as well.
So thank you.
Absolutely.
So let's hit it off.
Tell me a little bit aboutyourself.
Yeah.
So my name is Reesa, and I'ma licensed marriage and family
therapist in the state ofCalifornia.
And I have been doing marriageand family therapy for, gosh,
about ten years now.
(01:50):
Practicing therapist and,I primarily work and I love
working with parents and reallysupporting that relationship,
being a parent ally.
And I do that because I think,and all my work, I have found
that that's really it doesn'tget a whole lot of love.
You know, we focus onthe kiddos.
We focus on maybe, like, thecouple's relationship.
(02:12):
And just some of the.
When the big things happen,but not necessarily on the
couple relationship when we'regoing through parenting and
navigating some of thatbecause it can be really
stressful on the parentrelationship.
So that's kind of where I live,and I love to support parents
and making sure that thatthey're thriving and that their
well-being is taken care of.
So that's a little bitabout my work.
(02:33):
I am a mom of two and I ammarried to my spouse, for 15
years.
So we've been doing this,this life for, for quite
some time.
And so that's a little bitabout me and what I do.
Wonderful.
Thank you so much.
And I'm excited.
What are you cooking up today?
(02:54):
Yeah.
So we are going to do a, acomfort food that is near
and dear to my heart.
We've got Filipino spaghetti.
So what makes this a little bitdifferent is, in the
Philippines, we we use it inthe primary source is banana
ketchup.
And so hold on there.
(03:14):
Banana ketchup.
Yes.
Okay, so it is ketchup.
Well, our version of catchup, but it's made with bananas
because, so I am FilipinoAmerican, and, we lived in the
Philippines for quite some time,and that's a big commodity.
That's what we have.
We don't really have tomatoesthat we grow, but we have
a lot of bananas.
So we found our way to kind ofbe creative.
(03:37):
I feel like Filipinos are reallygood at, you know, looking
at what the other mainland'shave and figuring out how we can
make it on our own island.
And so that's that's whatwe use.
We use banana ketchup with alittle bit sweeter, and then
we've got our Filipino hot dogsin there.
And those are red hot dogs.
And although I don't know quitethe science behind it, but I'm
(03:57):
convinced that, you know,having them sliced, in this fun
diagonal shape, really allows,you know, it tastes better, in
my opinion.
And so we've got some of that.
We've got some quail eggsin there, and then we've got
a ground meat which can be,ground turkey or ground beef
in this particular one.
We're going to use our groundbeef today.
(04:18):
Got it.
And last but not least, I seesome brown sugar fat.
So, that's another good piece.
Good comment.
So, if you've ever had Filipinospaghetti, I know that we're
trying to infiltrate the US.
But our spaghetti is sweeter.
We really like, eithersweet, sour or salty things.
That's a primary component.
(04:38):
I feel, of my interpretation ofmy culture.
And so this spaghettiis sweeter.
So we use brown sugar to sweetenit up.
Nice.
I'm excited for this.
And I think that's somethingthat I'm going to have to
introduce to my kiddos, becausethey're not usually fans of red
pasta sauce.
But if it's sweeter, thereyou go.
That's how we're going toget it.
So let's go ahead and startfor most of this is just a plug
(05:00):
and play.
I'm going to be adding things.
I've got my pot of water for mymy noodles.
It's just regular spaghettinoodles.
And then I'll just start mixing.
Perfect.
That's all we know.
What? Yes.
Sounds good.
Well, excited to kick off theconversation.
And thank you for the wonderfulintro and tell us a little bit
about your culture and welcomingus with our tastebuds.
(05:22):
Yeah, I'm super excited.
But I would love to know asa mother, you know, and as
a professional, what weresome of the challenges that
you had navigating this world?
Yeah, absolutely.
So, you know, I know we talka little bit when when we do
your interview about,some of the things that you kind
(05:44):
of had in your narrative of whoyou were going to be and what
that were to look like.
And for me, I am I've kindof got this odd family dynamic.
So I am technically a middlechild.
I have older siblings, butthey are much older.
And they were from my dad's,one of my dad's marriages.
And so I grew up when they werein the home, I was the baby
(06:08):
of the home. Okay.
And then my younger siblingsare much younger than me.
So by the time my older siblingswere out of the house,
my younger siblings came intothe picture and I, I now
became the older sibling.
And so I was the caretakervery much in our home.
And so my identity for quitesome time, I've been working
(06:29):
with kids for as long as I canremember in all sorts of
capacities.
Whether it was babysitting,I used to run like a, kids youth
group, in, in church and stufflike that.
And so I have been around kidsand being a parent was kind of
that was on my plan, if youwill.
(06:49):
And so, and I've alwaysbeen told, oh my goodness,
you're going to such a greatmother.
And that was a lot of mynarrative growing up and my
first kiddo.
So I didn't know anythingat this point.
I mean, my yes, I've been aroundkids, but I think it's a really
different.
Yes.
When you have your own kids.
Oh, yeah.
Versus when you're working,when you're watching any
(07:11):
anything else having to do withkids, it's so different and so
that's what it was for me andmy first kiddo really.
We really went through thewringer, when pretty much
right away he was havingsplit up, but it was to
(07:32):
the amount that you wouldlook at it and go, is there
anything else left in you?
And I'm seeing this and going,this doesn't feel normal.
And I mean, it was quite a bitto the point where it felt
more like vomiting, less likespit up.
(07:53):
Okay.
And so I kept going tothe doctor and I kept saying,
I think something's wrong.
He's vomiting.
And of course, you know, it was.
And what I've heard from manyparents, your first time parent
split up.
It's normal.
You're just overreacting.
Yeah.
And so I just kept gettingsent back home.
(08:16):
And it wasn't until three monthsof age that Malachi stopped
eating.
Oh no.
Altogether.
He wouldn't take breast.
He wouldn't take a bottle.
He wouldn't take formula.
Nothing chills a parentsfirst time hurt.
Any parent's worst nightmare.
(08:37):
Yes.
And I, I was just beside myselfbecause here's this, you know
child that you have.
And again I've got thatnarrative going in.
Been told all my life, you'regoing to be such an amazing mom.
And the basic need, you know,you've got Maslow's hierarchy
of need, and one of them is,you know, being able to kind of
(08:59):
be fed.
Yeah, that's the most basic.
And my child, I could notfeed my child.
Yeah.
And I didn't know what to do.
And so of course I go back tothe doctor yet again say my
child won't you.
Oh he will.
You're probably just notdoing it right.
And so I said, here's my baby.
(09:20):
Make him eat.
Please show me how I'm doing itwrong.
And so they got and they werelike, well, maybe, you know,
it's just the breast pressure.
I said, okay, by all means, tryformula.
At this point I was like,I just need my kid to eat
whatever it is.
Just I just need my kid to eat.
And so in the office, well,the other thing that they
(09:41):
started listening a little bitmore is because his weight
started rapidly declining, andall of a sudden they go,
hey, what's going on?
And I said, he won't eat.
And I said, oh, well, you know,that's when the whole oh, you
might be doing it wrong.
Stuff.
And so that was definitelyvery hard because you don't
(10:02):
if you, you get likesome of the, the nurses that
come by and show you how tobreastfeed, at the end of
the day, there's it's still a,you know, your body is
different.
They're they're different.
And so I, I read everything I'm,I'm very I like to know
the facts.
Yeah.
So you know, my I did notget the what to expect
(10:24):
when you're expecting book.
I got I said I wanted the MayoClinic.
Give me all the nitty gritty.
I want to know it all like so.
You know, I've read all thebooks.
I've done all the homework.
I love, you know, I love to beprepared.
I'm such a perfectionist in thatway.
And so, you know, I was justbeside myself, you know,
and then to hear kind of, well,you're, you know, must be
(10:46):
something you're doing wrongwas really just only affirming
all of those narrativesof, like, this is a knee
problem, that my kid can't eat.
And so, they in the office,I remember very clearly.
They pulled out one of those,like, little, you know,
sample cans of formula thatthey have.
And but this is the pre-mixedone.
(11:07):
And they, they took Malachiand they went to try to feed him
and they con it.
And all of a sudden they wentfrom, you don't know what you're
talking about to going, I thinksomething's wrong here.
And I really I've been sayingthis since, like, you was three
weeks old and he's nowthree months.
(11:28):
And so that was when ourjourney of, our medical journey
really started for him.
And so I think that was,that was for me, especially,
again, this is my I'm in thefirst three months of being
a parent, you know, it was like,oh my goodness.
(11:48):
And now here is all these thingsand we've got to figure out
this battle so that I thinkthat was probably some of the
most difficult, of my parentingjourney and kind of starting
it off in that way.
Oh, gosh.
So I hear what you're saying,and, you know, regardless of the
amount of experience you havewith children, other people's
(12:10):
children, daycare, nursing,teaching, everything, at the
end of the day, you can shutthat off, hand them back
to their parents, and thenyou go home and you deal with
whatever you're doing.
100%.
So there's this on off switch,and then for it to all of
a sudden become a no.
This is your 100% full timeresponsibility.
And in this vulnerable state,after having a child, just the
(12:33):
hormonal, you know,reconfiguration of things
and to have a moment whereyou're sharing this
vulnerability with a medicalprofessional or whoever
it may be, and then say, no,the problem is you, sweetheart,
like, yeah, go back and dobetter. No.
And so I'm so grateful that youwere able to continue
(12:54):
to advocate for yourself,because in a moment like that,
somebody could easily be like,I failed, I'm a failure.
I'm not good at this.
This is.
No, but there was somethingwrong with your child, and you
trusted your instincts andyour gut, and you kept going
back.
But, I can't imagine that'sdefinitely a rocky way to start
a new relationship with thislittle being.
(13:16):
And, you know, how didall of this affect your
relationship with your partner?
So in order to answer thatquestion, I probably need to
explain a little bit furtherout of kind of how that journey
ended up progressing becausewe now have this big problem
the child won't eat, eventhe doctors can't
get them to eat.
(13:36):
So we start a medicalappointment.
After a medical appointment,I spent so much time in urgent
care ers, doctors offices.
That was my world.
And mind you, I'm doing thisall the while being at the end
of my MFT graduate program.
(13:58):
Wow.
And so I was literallyI remember, you know, I would be
in, in the E.R.
with my notes on one side,my baby and the other trying
to study for a big exam.
I don't know when we're actuallygoing to get seen in this E.R.,
you know, when you go inand it's it's kind of a nebulous
(14:19):
time.
And so half the time I was onsleep list going in because,
again, this is the time whereI'm taking all my exams
to be able to pass and to beable to say, yeah, you know,
you can go be an MFT.
And so, you know, I'm doingall of that.
And at this point, the only waythat I found to be able to feed
(14:39):
him was doing what's calleddream feeds.
What's that?
So dream feeds are and Ididn't know that there was a
name for it.
I just knew that I workshoppedand I was able to
figure this out.
And it wasn't until much laterthat I found out that there's
a word for what I was doing.
Yeah.
And, and that was the only waythat I found to feed him was to
essentially rock him tothe point that he was right in
(15:03):
that I'm about to fall asleep,but not quite asleep yet,
and I would have him latchbecause then his, his kind of
automatic system would,would kick in and he would latch
fall asleep while latched and Iwould hand express milk into him
(15:25):
while he slept well.
And because it's slow andhe's not actively participating,
it took twice as long to get himfed and I would have to do
weight feed.
So essentially I would weigh himbefore I went to rock him.
I would get him latched and Iwould hand express what I
was hoping was enough food.
(15:46):
I would weigh him while he'ssleeping and try to guess about
how much I was actuallyable to get into him.
Wow.
And so he was asleep for thisentire thing.
So you know that old sayingsleep when the baby slept?
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't have that option.
And this sounds like this isa whole other layer.
Like a whole other process offeeding.
(16:08):
It's not this, you know,the baby is doing the work
and it's coming out, or you'reputting the bottle together and,
you know, it's a whole timeconsuming thing going into
weighing before weighingafter is are they gaining
weight?
Is it working?
Is this enough?
What happens if how are youprocessing all of this?
(16:29):
Honestly, I wasn't I totallywent into survival mode of
just my.
My kid needs to be fed.
You're telling me this is myjob?
I ought to be able to knowhow to do this.
And right now, this isthe only way that I can get milk
into him.
So I'm going to do it becausethat's what needs to happen.
(16:51):
There was honestly, and,you know, I don't think a whole
lot of time because again, I amin the middle of this program,
I'm determined because if I wereto stop, that would prolong me
being in school even more.
And I was right,I was at the end.
I could taste it.
And so half the time I'm up,you know, at 2 a.m.
(17:15):
in the morning, hand expressingon my phone, trying to study
my notes in the dark, handspressing while rocking back
and forth.
Because if at any moment he wereto wake up enough, he would
stop, he would vomit it all upand he would be done like
there'd be no feeding him for,you know, a good until next nap
(17:36):
time, essentially.
And so, so there wasn't really awhole lot of time.
I had many, many other thingsthat were on my mind that
I needed to do that were moreimportant than what was going
on for me.
And so I see that all to thenthe same time, to answer
(17:57):
your question about howit affected my my relationship
with my partner,that was our lay there was not a
relationship with my partner.
We were he was there just,you know, would check in and
when I would go to class,he would just have to to be with
(18:19):
Malachi trying to feed him.
But most of the time he can't dowith a bottle what I can do,
you know, while while dreamfeeding him, you know, and so
he was working full time, buthe worked from home, so he was
doing all of that while havinga baby who was hungry.
(18:39):
But when me, And so by the timeI get back, it was here, please
feed him because he hasn't eatenall day.
And so I would feed him andthen it was, okay, here, you try
to shove something downyour throat and in between while
he's away.
Yeah.
And then that was it.
And I definitely think thatfor me, because I wasn't taking
(19:05):
care of my wellness, I was oneven less sleep then you you
get with having a new child,you know, you get like the,
the lack of sleep.
But because I wasn't, I wasn'table to to sleep while he slept
because that's the only timehe would eat it was very few
and far between.
I'm taking all my exams.
(19:25):
I'm doing all of that. But,I wasn't I don't think I was, I
was there to be able to have arelationship at all.
And, so it really took a toll.
We were we were both in kind ofsurvival mode.
And I remember at one point,you know, I can't speak for him
because I'm not in his head,but I at one point, I remember
(19:50):
he had.
He he had been doing thisnot eating.
And then when he was up he wasvomiting everything.
So it's kind of this like losingbattle.
I would get food in him, buthe would be vomiting it all up.
So how much food actually stuck?
You know, there were stillbunches of a lot of concerns
at the same time, you know,we're going to doctor's offices.
(20:11):
And I remember at one pointI just disassociated because
there was nothing left.
And I was sitting thereand I knew I was taking
care of baby, but there was likemy eyes glazed over.
And I remember Josh tryingto talk to me, and I had
nothing, I had nothing, and soI only I can only imagine what
(20:32):
it would be like to havea partner who was not there
because I, like I said, glazedover.
I was not present.
I was not home.
And that for me, I think wasin my mind, the only way
I was going to survive was that,disassociation piece and
(20:54):
survival mode.
And not just, you know, havinga newborn where, like you said,
you're already sleep deprivedand emotions and going through
learning all these thingsand then adding a medical
complication on top of that.
And I can only imaginethe feeling of helplessness
and the feeling of like, thisis what I can do and I
(21:15):
move forward.
How did you muster the strengthto move forward?
And mind you, still goingto school?
Did it ever come like, wereyou ever considering pausing?
Were you ever considering I needthis to be a better mother.
What?
What was going through your headthrough all this?
Yeah.
Now, in hindsight, so very much,I am a a goal driven person.
(21:42):
When I set my mind to dosomething, I'm going to complete
it.
And I think a lot of that had todo with, some of the, you know,
some of my background growing upand kind of the expectations
that were put on, on me,there was a lot of chaos in our
home.
And so, you know, my, my rolewas to, to be perfect, to,
(22:02):
to not be the problem.
And so in that instance, pausingdoes not line up with that.
That's not an option.
Like you said you were going todo this same thing with with
having Malachi.
I think we intentionally choseto have this child.
There's no pause here.
There's there's no ifs, ands orbuts.
(22:24):
You're going to finish it.
And you're just going to have tofigure it out.
And, you know, I heard youmentioned kind of the, the
overwhelming piece, and itabsolutely was, I think for me,
some of the difficulty, too, asa result, because he couldn't,
really go for long periodsof time at all without vomiting.
(22:46):
I mean, we would we would changeclothes maybe six, almost
ten times in a day.
Wow.
Because he would.
And and ourselves too.
Because it would be all over us.
And so because of that,going out, even just for
something like grocery shoppingwas the scariest thing
(23:06):
in the world, becausethat was like, what if you vomit
in public and then everybody islooking at you, and then
I have to change him and thenit's all over me.
And so it was like it wasn'tjust going out for us, it was we
have bags and bags evenoutside of like your normal.
And I say normal is becauseit was such.
I didn't realize that it wasmy first kid.
(23:28):
How much stuff we had to getprepared in order to go out,
and it didn't really clickfor me until I had my second
kid who did not have the sameissue, and I would go out like,
I remember the first coupletimes that we went out with a
toddler and the new babythat I'm anticipating having
to do the same amount of liketen outfit changes a day, and
(23:50):
we would come home and all ofthe outfits would still
be there.
And I was like, wait, what?
Why am I not having to, like,carry all of this stuff at the
same time?
And so for me, it didn't reallyclick on that.
That was not typical.
And so because of that, we,we very much self-isolated.
It was scary to go out and dothings.
(24:11):
It was scary to.
And we don't have family here,so there wasn't a whole ton
of events.
But I remember even just withfriends, if it was longer than,
you know, an hour total.
And that's including traveltime.
We would say no becausewe didn't want to, you know,
if he was going to vomit,at least we vomit at home.
(24:33):
We've got a routine.
We know how to handle it.
It's been what we've been doing.
And so that was reallydifficult.
And I think for me, like a, areally big and I didn't
realize it at the timethat I was kind of struggling
with that narrative, so much soof like, you know, this is this
(24:55):
is my job.
It should be easy, quoteunquote.
Until I remember very vividly,I was driving home from,
from from class and, I wason, on the 15 freeway and it's
so clear.
And I was talking to my motherover, over the phone and
(25:19):
telling her the struggle thatwe've been having and that how
at this point, because he's notlatching properly.
My my nipples are chapped.
There's four.
I was getting clogged ductsall the time.
I had, you know, all sortsof issues that were kind
of stemming from that.
And I was lamenting about howdifficult it was.
(25:42):
And my mom said, it's not thathard.
Rissa, I used to just put youon the bed, pop my boob out and
stick it in your mouth, andyou would eat.
I don't understand what's thewhat's the issue?
It's not that hard.
And in that moment, I said,oh my God, it's like my own
mother, you know, was notoffering that support, made it
(26:08):
feel I was already feelingisolated.
I'm you're feeling super lonely.
And then to have this, like,compounding, it's a you probably
like, figure it out.
It was I remember at that pointI think my shutdown went from
like I was already there.
It's where you've been furtherlike I'm dying and there's
(26:28):
nothing, nothing else.
And so because of that,it didn't make it really
hard to, to come out of it andto, to see some of the other
side of it because as Imentioned, there was no pause.
But I knew for me, pause wasn'tan option that I gave myself,
that I gave myself permissionto do.
(26:48):
But I also didn't knowI couldn't see the other side
at this point, there'stwo things you said that really
resonated with me, and one ofthem being, you know, this
this first time, mother, and youhad mentioned that you had work
with children and you'regoing to school to be
a therapist and working withfamilies to help them and
(27:09):
individuals, and then to bein this situation.
And you don't know what youdon't know.
And I say that because youmentioned the word normal.
What's normal for a child?
Yes, the children split up,but they're not retaining
anything or not gaining weight.
That just does not seem right.
And you know, how much are yousupposed to be changing?
(27:30):
How much do you take out?
Yes, it's scary to leavethe house when you have
a newborn, because all ofthe things that you need that
you may have forgotten, andthen you have to carry and where
are the changing rooms?
Where is all this stuff? Yep.
But then on top of that, to noteven realize, like you
mentioned, compounding,there was so many other
things on top of.
Yeah, the average experienceand to not know that.
(27:51):
So that's got to be hard.
Do you think everybodydoes this?
Why can't I figure it outand why?
It's just me and I shareI didn't have that community
around me to like, hey, you'reyou having the same experience
or what's going on?
Or did you see this?
Or do you know anybody who hasthe scared to open up to
other people?
Because if you open up andthey say no, you're just
(28:14):
doing it wrong and you'refailing, and that reaffirms
this, oh my gosh, I reallydon't know what I'm doing.
And and to self isolate.
It's such a scary space becausesomething I've learned is
it takes a village.
It really takes a village.
It sure does.
And you know, that is thankfullysomething that I've been able
to learn as I continue.
(28:35):
But you're so right.
Like when you're in it, it'sit's hard to do that, period.
It's hard when you don't havethat naturally kind of built
in support system.
And and the thing is,I see that.
But at the same time, there arepeople that have physically,
(28:55):
naturally built in supportsystem, but it doesn't mean that
they are the support peoplethat are actually in your corner
have your back.
What do you mean by that?
So for example, had my so my momdoes not live close to me, but
had she.
So then it would have, you know,on the surface look like
(29:16):
well you've got to supportlike you've got a community
around you.
Your mother's here, you know.
Is that not it?
However, if that same idea,you know, if those were still
the messages that I'm getting,that's not necessarily support,
you might physically be there,but it's still not the support
that I need at that moment,etc..
(29:36):
Like you said, when that'sthose are narratives that are
already in there.
You know, it does make itreally hard to get out of that
when you don't necessarilyhave the support of someone
championing championing you.
Yeah.
That hey, you've got this.
How can I support you andhaving this?
(29:58):
So I think that that for me isthe key is not only just having
a community of physical peoplearound you, but having
a community that has your mentaland emotional well-being in mind
as well.
And how did you find thateventually a community
to support and howhow did you go about that?
(30:19):
Yeah.
So, I did slowly but surely,I built a community, my cohort
from my grad program,although there were only a
couple of us that were kind ofin parent land of our of
our life.
I had such an amazing group of,of colleagues that were willing
(30:41):
to be there for babysitters andthey knew kind of what
was happening.
And so they were preparedbecause I think that's the
other part, is that thenyou feel at least I did.
I can't speak for anybody else.
You know, I don't want to stickthis on anybody else.
Like, this is so overwhelming.
And so then you're you'rereally not going out.
I don't, you know, we did not,kind of have that.
(31:05):
And so, you know, having thosepeople around us, and then
being able to as, as we got outof that piece of it because
thankfully, we don't knownecessarily the rhyme or
the reason even the doctorsdon't know.
But at 18 months, the vomitingsignificantly decreased.
(31:26):
Wow.
And as the vomiting decreased,he started eating on his own.
And so I think for us,that was a really big clue that
I think he was eating,not eating, because it felt
really uncomfortable andhe would end up, you know,
vomiting.
And so it's like, okay,if I don't eat vomit,
which I can totally appreciate,you know, that that thought
(31:46):
process.
And so that stuff startedkind of dwindling once he turned
18 months.
But and once we got there,I think then we started
branching out.
We started finding our communitywith it for for a really
long time.
We didn't it, have thatcommunity and, have those
people to, to, to network with.
(32:07):
And so it wasn't until Iwas able to come out of
my hiding, essentially, thatI was able to, to find that.
And so it was very much,you know, we kept that at home.
We didn't tell anyone,except for, like I said,
the small cohort that that didend up kind of being privy to it
(32:28):
and helping me out in that way.
So that was some ofthe difficulty that if I were,
you know, able to to go back,I think I would have wanted
to know about more that wasn'tnecessarily given a whole ton of
resources by the doctors,either of support groups
or anything like that.
(32:48):
And so any community that I didbuild, we built from scratch,
you know, with Josh workingfrom home, his headquarters
was in a different state.
So we didn't have, like,naturally built in, friends
that we were making, inthat sense.
And so, I think that would, thatwould be some of the things
that I would want to knowor advocate you know, in, in the
(33:12):
doctor's offices is how can weget them connected with other
support people that, you know,maybe would have been able to to
provide me some sense of thatcommunity.
So the only thing that we did iswe tried to find that support
within our relationship.
And so one of the thingsthat Josh and I did end up
kind of sitting down and doingis we, at about,
(33:38):
we had been doing this maybe foreight months now, this,
this whole routine and theisolation.
We sat down and we booked a tripto Hawaii, which, I, I've lived
a good chunk of my life inHawaii as well.
So that's my if I, if peopleask me where I'm from, that's
that's the place I claimas well.
But so for me, that was asafe haven.
(34:01):
And so we booked a tripa year out as kind of if we
can just get to this point,we'll all go as a family.
Even if it was going to bedifficult, even if it meant
we had to bring a whole nothersuitcase just for being close.
Yeah, we're like, we're going totake this trip.
And so that was kind of ustrying to give ourselves,
(34:22):
a light at the end ofthe tunnel.
And so we, we made that plan.
And I think that also helps ourrelationship a lot.
It gave us something to lookforward to, to plan towards.
And it it helped my mentalwellness as well to be able
to again, if I can just make itto this point one day at a time,
(34:44):
put my head down and feedthis kid.
Yeah, essentially.
Oh my gosh.
And that reminds me of somethingyou said a little while ago
about when you're in thesemoments, of feeling overwhelmed
and stressed and isolated andnavigating uncharted
territories, what are somestrategies or tools or things
(35:09):
you would tell people to helpkind of identify that they're in
this space?
Because sometimes you don't evenrealize you're in this space.
It's just, you know, survivalmode.
And sometimes you do realize itbut don't know what to do
and where to go from there.
What would you recommend tosomebody?
Yeah.
So I think that those are it'sa couple pieces.
(35:30):
There's the coping skills andthat sense.
And so I think being ableif you are able to access,
connecting with a therapist,that can be super helpful
to find because what worksfor me may not work for
the next person.
And so I think that it can besuper helpful to find, something
(35:50):
that works for you.
For me, I am.
I do well with grounding, and sothat's getting in my body out of
my head.
I'm such a heady person.
I'm an internal processor and soI can go for days in my head and
and that's what would get meinto trouble is because I would
live up there.
So I was already physicallyisolating, and then I would
(36:13):
mentally isolate.
And so for me getting back intomy body, and really, you know,
channeling some of my othersenses is something that's super
helpful for me.
And so I use that a lotwith folks that I work with are
finding, finding somethingthat fits for them.
And that's already that's easilyaccessible because I think
the more that we can make,you know, find finding some of
(36:36):
these, you know, as thesethe kind of coping skills
that are already in your routinein some way, shape or form,
maybe we just need to tweak thema little bit to make them work
for you.
Yeah.
I think they're easier to doto commit to and to kind of make
a part of your routine.
So there's some of that.
(36:56):
But then also some of, you know,the things to watch out for
is that very much, you know,I know when we spoke for your
podcast, episode, we talkedabout kind of the postpartum
depression.
So there's all sorts of,postpartum.
There's postpartum depression,postpartum anxiety, postpartum
psychosis, even.
(37:16):
So, for example, for me, thatdisassociation, now looking
back now, knowing all the thingsthat I know, and even though
I was in the MFA programcurrently, you know, this is
to say, to normalize even meas a, in school learning,
actively learning about allthese things.
I didn't quite I don't know thatI didn't see it, but I
(37:38):
didn't want to acknowledgeor admit that I too was
struggling with postpartumand mine was a later onset.
Really kind of later inthe sense that I think mine was
really kind of precipitatedby the issues, the extra issues
that I was having with withMalachi and his feeding.
(37:59):
And so the disassociationthat is, is not typical.
And that is something thatwhen you find yourself kind of
checking out, but checkingout to the degree that no one is
home, those are some ofthe things to watch out for.
You had mentioned kind offor yours.
The fogginess there very muchwhen we're getting to
(38:21):
the Fogginess, and it'ssomething that's intrusive.
And that's usually what Itell people is that you hear
about things like the, you know,the the baby blues.
So those are things that wouldtypically kind of last for,
for shorter periods of time.
And they come in much smallerways.
And so it doesn't takesignificant work to
(38:44):
get out of it.
It doesn't take like really,really big dips, if you will,
or really, really high spikes.
Yeah.
Yes.
They're, they're waves,but they're much smaller and
they're not as intrusive when itstarts intruding kind of your
way of life to the point,like you said, for you,
(39:04):
you know, it was the socialisolation was a really big
indicator.
Again, looking back at whatis your your baseline,
if you will, and if it issomething that has taken you
so far for you fromyour baseline and it is
consistent, it is lastingfor more than just a couple
of hours.
Like those are the things that,you know, we need to be paying
(39:26):
attention to and postpartum.
Any of these depression,anxiety, psychosis can affect
even the non carrying partneras well.
And so again really taking alook at what is your baseline.
And if we're significantlystrained for that it is not your
typical.
And so at that point in timethat's when it can be really
(39:48):
useful to to reach out tosupport services.
There are hotlines.
There are support groups thatthat thankfully are starting
to really, you know, beef up.
They weren't quite there,you know, maybe the ten, 11
years ago, but they're startingto beef up a little bit more.
And so finding those waysand because it can be really
(40:11):
difficult when you're in ityourself to see it, I think
the more that we can educateour, any of our parent partners,
you know, whether it is a spouseor whether it is other family
members or other friends gettingthem educated on what to
look for, because they'llprobably have a little bit
more mental capacity to kind oftap and say, hey, I think that,
(40:34):
I think we need somethingelse in here.
It's not working.
And that's totally okay.
It doesn't mean you as a person,it's not a flaw of your
character.
Yeah, it is a flaw of of what'shappening in our lives right now
that our brain can't handle.
And guess what?
(40:54):
That that doesn't make youany less of a person.
It just means that we needa little bit of extra, extra
support in there.
Yeah.
Oh, gosh.
I love we're going to doa food check because it smells
really good. Yes.
How are we doing?
What's going on in there.
So right now our sauce ismaking it.
So I use the brown sugarand I do it to taste.
(41:15):
So if you're someone who reallywants a super sweet sauce, then
that's up to you to kind ofadd your own brown sugar level.
If you just want a little bitof that, a little bit of
sweetness, you can add that inthere.
So, I don't I'm very much afeel it until it's right kind of
person.
And so, I don't have and becauseI've been doing this recipe for
(41:35):
15 years, I don't have an exactmeasurement of my brown sugar,
so I just do it kind of until Ifeel it.
So that's where I'm at rightnow.
And the very last thingthat I add are my quail eggs,
because since they're alreadycooked, I don't want them
kind of going into likeoverly hard boiled.
So I'll pop them in right inthe end just to warm them up.
And then my noodles are go.
(41:56):
Are probably ready here for,for a drain and then we'll
mix them all together.
Sounds good. Yeah.
So I wanted to get back tosomething that you said
because I really, for mepersonally, appreciate the way
you stated it, and it's that.
How do you know whensomething is wrong and you said
that it's it's very dependenton the individual.
(42:18):
What's wrong for you mightnot be what's wrong for me.
And you know, you shared itin your mom's example.
If she's like, I don'tunderstand, like I just have
to put my move out there andyou eat it like what I.
But there is a differencebetween individuals and and and
backgrounds experiences andall of this.
And you said what your baselineis.
Anything that deviatessignificantly beyond that
(42:40):
is when there's maybe somethingwrong or something to explore or
something to consider.
Yes.
And what's different for me isdifferent from you.
And that's okay.
It doesn't have to be the same.
So I really appreciate that.
And I love the advocacy piece ofeducating the people around you
and educating the societyof people who are open to having
this conversation and and comingfrom a positive space of
(43:03):
and notice something a littleoff, like, I'm not saying
that you're wrong or you'reoff, but is everything okay?
Or noticing some of these signs?
Because that's not somethingme and my husband had. Yeah.
He just thought like, you'reangry and you're sad right now.
And that's probably whathappens.
And you'll be okay eventually.
Yeah.
No, I knew there was more thanthat.
(43:23):
Absolutely.
And I think what you justmentioned there, if if that is a
conversation, if you're asupport person and you have been
seeing, you know, some of thosewarning signs that are deviating
and you want to approach ithonestly the best way, and
I talk to all my familiesabout this is approaching
them and saying similar to whatyou said, how are you doing?
But also what can I do to bestsupport you?
(43:47):
And the reason being is becauseoftentimes when we go in there
going, let me solve it for youor I'm going to tell you what's
wrong with you.
It can just kind of naturallyelicit our defensiveness,
especially with something as asintimate as parenting.
(44:07):
It can be really easy for usto turn those ears off and to
stop listening, even though theintention behind it is, is is
trying to to help and to expressconcern.
And when we approach itwith that, how can I best
support you?
What do you need in this moment?
It gives them the autonomyto be able to kind of speak it
(44:28):
in a, in a space that feelssafe. Yeah.
And that feels similarto kind of what we, you know,
chatted about during yourepisode of that, like positive
regard of this isn't someonewho's looking to judge me.
This isn't someone who'sgoing to, tell me I'm doing it
wrong or reaffirm thesenarratives that I'm already
really good at telling myself,yeah, this is someone who's just
(44:50):
genuinely interested inwhat do I need? Yeah.
And I can vouch from calling youa friend any time.
You know, whether it bea birthday party or coming over
for a pool date or whathave you, and you see me
coming in with multiple thingsor multiple kids and grabbing
and things are falling,and you're first, you know that
(45:12):
comes out of your mouth is, howcan I help?
Yeah.
And I the first time I heardthat out of your mouth,
I've never had anybody say, howcan I help?
It's here.
Let me grab this or.
Here, let me do this or here,do that.
And so when you asked,I was like, I don't know
how you can help.
Like, I don't even know what I'mdoing.
So it it hit me like,I don't know, I don't know how
to answer that.
And then the more I heard it,the more my defenses went down.
(45:34):
And it was in a recessesthat I'm struggling and can't
bring my kids in or left bags orshoes.
No, it's.
I'm here.
We're we're together.
How can I help you?
And the more I heard it and themore it became, I'm going to say
normalize for me, the more I wasopen to.
Yes, you can help.
I would love your help.
Because, no, I can't do all thisby myself.
(45:56):
And I shouldn't have doneI shouldn't have this notion
in my head that I have to.
Yeah, I've created thiscommunity of people who love
and are wanting to supportand want the best for me.
So it's not a negativeon myself.
So absolutely.
And I'm glad that that's how youfelt.
That that's reaffirming.
(46:17):
Because absolutely.
I think that I, I am sowonderfully humbled by this
journey of parenthood that forme, when, when I see someone
else, that is my instinctiveof really, how can I help?
No judgment here, not attachedat all.
(46:37):
I really, truly.
Because maybe in that momentyou say this would be helpful.
And it's not what I wouldinstinctually go for.
And then and then I'm not asproductive in meeting
your needs.
And I think, that's that'sthat's great feedback.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, this has been an amazingconversation.
And watching you make the foodI mentioned before, I don't know
(47:00):
how to cook, but I love watchingother people cook and I love
eating the food, so I, I'm I'mstarving right now.
But is there anything lastpieces.
Parting words, wisdom, somethingyou want to make sure
we we share before we end?
I think just going back tothat idea and I gosh, for
(47:21):
every episode, I feel like it'ssomething that goes in there
of that idea of finding the waysand advocating for our society
that this whole idea that askingfor help and asking for support
and asking for our needsto be met and characterizing
that as a weakness and that it'sselfish or inappropriate,
(47:46):
like my dream world people,is that we bash that
all together because it is soincredibly hard, this,
this thing that we call life,this thing that we call
parenting is so, so difficult.
And the more that we perpetuatethis idea that, you know,
(48:08):
it means we're a failure,it means that we're weak,
it means that we couldn'twe're not super people and super
heroes.
That it just further, I think,isolates each each of us
from one another.
And it intensifies how much moredifficult this journey is going
(48:29):
to be.
As you mentioned, ittakes a village and it can be
really hard to find thatvillage.
And it's only that much harderwhen we have that narrative
out and about in the worldthat if you reach out,
if you show your warts, it'sgoing to be received and judged.
(48:50):
And I think that the morethat we can do that just
as a society and really kind ofinstead find those ways to turn
the judgment off, get curiousabout one another instead.
The more that we can actuallystart building that community
and be there and support ourparents, because after all,
you know, there's if we wantour kiddos to be thriving,
(49:13):
healthy and good humans that aregoing to be contributors
in our future.
It starts with the parentsat home.
And so for not taking careof those parents at home, we're
we're just asking for evenfurther issues down the road
with our future humans as well.
And so instead, let's justsupport and love and be
(49:34):
curious and and put me out ofa job.
Please.
That's all I want.
It's coming out of a job.
I love it, I love it.
So that's about it.
And the other questions for meand the hatch, you know, I,
I think we've got everythingcovered.
I'm ready to try your food.
Okay.
Well, thank you so much, Amanda,for joining us and being our
(49:56):
guest host today.
Oh, I'm so grateful I learned anew recipe.
It's a great conversation.
I'm glad I'm well, thank youso much.
I appreciate it.
And thank you everyone forlistening.
We'll see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussedin today's episode, make sure to
check out our show notesfor support and resources.
(50:19):
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The Real
Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sureto reach out to us and
our website found in the shownotes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support and
resources.
All of that can be found inour show notes, so make sure to
(50:42):
check them out and make sureto follow, like, share,
subscribe, and stay up to dateon all things the real family
eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought and
thoughtful food! Enjoyyour eats!
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