Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:22):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa, and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories.
Here on the real family eatswhere we've got food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! Welcome backeveryone.
(00:50):
Thanks for joining us.
I am so excited for today'sepisode.
I have Blaize joining us today.
Hi, Blaize Thanks so much forjoining.
I am so thankful for yourwillingness to come on
and to chat with us as parents.
Thank you so much for having me.
Reesa.
Yes.
Okay, so for anybodywho's listening who doesn't
know you, can youintroduce yourself for us?
(01:12):
Yeah.
I'm blaze.
I run weeping Willow Wellnesswhere I offer a one on one
somatic healing program calledthe Whole Body Communicator.
I'm sure I'll talk moreabout it later.
I also offer clothing optionalembodiment activities for
that type of healing.
I am an artist and entrepreneur,a single parent to one child
(01:33):
and way too many animals.
We have a dog, two cats,a foster puppy, eight chickens.
We have a turtle.
We have a lot of animalsin this house at all times
and I'm really passionate, isreally passionate about sharing
my voice as a healerand an artist.
So I also make musicunder the name for Model Blaze.
(01:55):
And I've written screenplays.
I've an actor director,writer on all the things.
Love it.
That's so beautiful.
Before we jump moreinto your story as far as your
parenting journey or what you'veexperienced, what you've
learned, you're sharingyour recipe with us.
Tell us what recipe were sharingwith our parents today.
(02:15):
And why did you choosethis one? Yes.
So this one is familiarlyknown as special Sauce.
And it's a pasta dish.
So usually we make itover spaghetti.
My mom kind of invented it.
She always had a gardenwhen I was growing up.
And so it's ideally as freshas you can get it.
Fresh tomatoes, fresh basil,green olives that a cheese
(02:35):
and olive oil.
Just super, super simple.
Everything is chopped up.
To just a nice size.
You can always throw it ona food processor, but I like
when it's more individuallychopped up and more chunky
as the flavors come throughand I chose this one
because it's super simpleand easy, but it still
feels like you made somethingkind of impressive.
It looks really prettyand colorful on the plate.
(02:58):
It's really healthy.
And it's really fast.
Which parents we needsomething that we can kind of
put together.
And I love, like yousaid, that it's something
that we can maybe feel goodabout together without
necessarily taking a ton ofmental capacity that one
family don't always have.
(03:19):
Absolutely.
I mean, if there arelots of guests and everyone's
always been like, wow, this isso good, like, I'm going to make
this at home, how did you do it?
And then when they actuallylook at the ingredients,
I'm like, oh, this is actuallyso simple.
Yeah. Okay.
So I'm speaking is itjust I am just chopping
everything up and kind ofthrowing it in a bowl
and mixing it.
(03:39):
Yeah.
Pretty much.
And you can kind of eyeballlike some people like more olive
I olive oil I like a littlebit less.
I don't like it to be just likesmothered in olive oil.
Yeah.
I eyeball how much portion wiseyou know, how much looks
good. So perfect.
Well, I can do that.
So I will get started on my end,while we chat.
(04:00):
And so I know we were talkinga little bit before this about,
kind of your journeyin particular as far as being
a single parent and kind ofwhat maybe challenges
that presented in itself.
But also it sounds like kind oflearning, learning a
couple lessons along the way.
Is that a fair way to say.
Yeah, absolutely.
(04:21):
Yeah.
I mean, I think it wouldbe remiss to say any parenting
journey doesn't have itslessons.
That's fair.
Say that if we're goingwith our eyes and ears
and mind wide open, at least.
So can you talk to us a littlebit about, how that how that
learning piece, how some ofthose challenges kind of started
(04:41):
for your, your journeyand walk us through some
of that. Yeah.
So I became a parent, right?
When I moved to L.A..
I moved to L.A.
shortly after college to pursuemy acting journey.
I've been in New York fora little bit and was looking
for a change of scenery.
I was in a super unhealthyrelationship in New York, which
definitely colored thatexperience.
(05:04):
A little grayer.
And so I was startinga new chapter, and then pretty
much just a couple months afterbeing here, I got pregnant.
And so it was a really big,like disruption moment for sure.
For me.
I had to really reassess, like,what am I doing here?
(05:27):
And I ultimately didmake the choice to step into
single parenthood, knowing thatI'd be alone from the start.
And something that you mentionedearlier is just talking about
how parenting can besuper isolating and
that experience wasespecially true for me as a
single parent.
(05:47):
But I think it's really truefor people and nuclear families
as well.
You know, when you first stepinto those early days of having
a newborn, a lot of peoplewill be well-meaning and
well-intentioned.
Well, wishing, a lot of peoplesaid, oh, yeah, I'm
going to bring you food.
I'll come hang outwith your baby.
And at least for me, I was ina new place and I had made
(06:11):
a few friends, you know,in the first few months while
I was here and duringmy pregnancy.
But it wasn't like I had alongstanding community and,
you know, friends and actingclasses or whatever.
Well, will have nice intentions,but it's not how it panned out.
And so I had a lot of weeksand months where I was
really alone and, and extremelychallenging experience of
(06:36):
being the sole caretaker of thistiny person and not
really having like,the resources that, you know,
what would have been great.
And so it was a real, a realchallenge to be with my own
mind so much because Iwas giving her so much presents,
(06:59):
of course, but she's notgiving me a lot back.
Okay?
Babies can communicate,of course, but it's just me.
Like I'm the only adult.
There's no one else to talk to.
So there's just a lot of timeto just be with my own thoughts
and my own mind.
I'm curious for youbecause you're.
(07:22):
You're so far in thinkI've heard that from so many
parents as far as goinginto that.
And you know, this desire to.
Yes.
Want to kind of pour and pourinto this child and hope that,
you know, they're they'resuccessful and they're thriving
and they're doing all thethings, that sometimes
it can kind of really draina parent, of themselves
(07:46):
and kind of like you mentioned,maybe even some of the thoughts
are just that you're left alone,especially when you're out
for those really.
You know, I don't knowabout you, but those
2 a.m., 3 a.m.
feeds when it's super quiet,you know, and even baby is
just kind of chill out like,yeah, my, you know, that's
real loud.
And so I'm curious for you,what did you find was kind
(08:10):
of coming up in those momentsfor you.
Yeah.
I mean I know you saidwe can be super on here,
so I will be really honest.
There were moments,especially when we were sick,
when we were sick,it was really, really hard,
being alone because, you know,when you're really not
feeling well, that's when youjust really notice how much
(08:32):
you need someone else,because you're just struggling
to do the bare minimumto take care of yourself.
Like going and getting aglass of water feels difficult,
right?
That thing is like, man,I wish someone was here to just
bring me some waterbecause I can't get out of bed
right now.
But it's just it's just meand my baby.
And so I had some momentsduring those early days
(08:52):
where I really wondered, like,what if I just passed away?
And like, how long would it takesomeone to notice?
How long would it take?
You know, how long would it takesomeone to come and like
find her and take care of herat least?
Like just really, really darkthoughts, you know.
(09:12):
And so when that's happeningespecially like you mentioned
being so alone anddid you mention did you have
any kind of family system outhere.
Was it, it was just you know.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I mean in that like how,how do you navigate that.
Although while being, I imaginekind of sleep deprived and just
(09:38):
emotionally drained,what was like what was that
like for you?
Yeah.
I mean, like I said, itgot really dark in moments.
And even thinking back to thosefeelings, like, I can get
choked up right now.
Like I can hang right now.
Just thinking back to how I feltat that time.
And I think what reallysupported me was my strong
(10:01):
connection to natureand to my body and to movement.
So, you know, I thinkthis recipe with my mom is that
she always had a garden,growing up.
And so she always had us outsidegardening, hiking.
We would play the listeninggame, noticing what sounds
in nature we could hear and,you know, for everything
(10:23):
that maybe I needed to repairingfrom my own childhood,
that is one of the one of themany things my mom did do
really, really right is instillin us this deep connection
with nature.
And so even when thingswere really, really hard
and I was isolating,I didn't feel like I had
a strong friend group or anyfamily out here.
(10:46):
I would get my daughterand my dog goddess for my dog.
Also. Like literally, Icall my dog my actual ex-partner
because she's been the onewho's been with me through
the early days of singleparenthood, my abusive
relationship in New York,my battle with cancer,
like so much so. So yeah.
(11:07):
So I would get my daughterand my dog out to a hike
and we would just bein the woods and I would be
wearing my baby there,front or back, you know, in
a backpack.
And that movement and thatconnection with nature would
bring me back into relationshipwith the world, even if I didn't
(11:27):
feel like I had community.
Yeah.
And this is not all the time.
I do have community.
I do have friends.
And I think like when we'rewhen we're doing well,
we can see that and we canreach out to people and we can
build that.
What I'm trying to highlightis like, in some of those
darkest moments where you'rereally getting into the worst
(11:48):
thoughts, like, what if I died?
No one would notice that levelof darkness.
Like, yeah, it can be hardto realize who cares?
It can be hard to realizewho would be thrilled.
If you call them, who wouldhappily pick up the phone right?
And so when I felt likeI couldn't even reach
out to anyone and I felt like I,I felt totally alone, at least
getting outside and beingin connection with nature
(12:11):
brought me back into the worldand brought me back into
perception, brought me backinto my sensory experience,
brought me back into my breath.
So that and then also,earlier in my life, I dabbled
in yoga, and early in mypregnancy, it became clear
that I could no longerbody build, which was a previous
(12:33):
chapter in my life.
And so I had gotten reallyinto yoga, okay.
And my yoga practice had becomea core somatic tool, throughout
my pregnancy.
And so that was somethingI leaned on.
You know, even if I feltlike I couldn't do anything
else, I could come backto some of these poses
(12:53):
and movements and check in withsensations, stretching
and breathing and connectingback to movement.
And that would bring me back.
Yeah.
What I love aboutall of that is, is it sounds
just really kind of taking youout of that mindspace and really
bringing you into your body,if I'm hearing you correctly.
(13:13):
Exactly.
And I love that becausesometimes, you know, doing
what I do, mindfulness isa is a big buzz word.
And sometimes, you know,we think of mindfulness for, for
a lot of folks, especiallyif you're not super
familiar with maybe thedifferent types of, of
mindfulness and that it can varythat there's this kind of
(13:36):
idea of like, I'm not very goodat using my imagination and kind
of, well, if my my brainis already super dark and I
go into my mind like,that's just not helpful.
And, and so that's why I lovegrounding and it doesn't I don't
feel like it gets us much.
(13:57):
Maybe every time there's likemindfulness and and the
grounding piece that I loveis it gets you kind of more like
you said, into your body.
And so really usingit sounds like kind of those
other senses that you haveto really unlock, kind of even
just a momentary pauseto kind of get out of
the thoughts that arereally kind of weighing you down
(14:20):
and trying to kind of becauseour brains are really good
at telling us all those, likeyou said, when when
you're in it, it becomesa really easy path to go down.
There's no one.
There's no one.
I can reach out to you.
I mean, I feel like it's it'ssuch a natural thing that for
whatever reason, our brainsare just like, super good at it.
So being able to kind of giveyour brain just enough
(14:43):
of a break to, to get, like yousaid, into your body.
And so I love that.
Yeah.
Our analytical brains are alwaysgoing to try to take over
and problem solve, becauseso much of our life puts us in
a top down space, right?
So our brains are alwayslike, it's my job.
It's my job.
(15:04):
And so I almost think of realmindfulness as body fullness.
Like, let's just change the wordbecause our minds are
freaking full.
Okay?
We don't need more full minds.
But if we if we bringour awareness down into our
body, that's where we canactually let go of the
(15:25):
analyzer part.
Yeah.
And sensation try and connectwith our breath and not need to
make meaning of itall right away and not need
to solve and just be inour experience.
And then the freedom tokind of like you said
(15:45):
reframe that.
We don't need to solve itright now.
But that's okay.
And I wanted to take a pausefor anybody who's listening,
who's maybe not familiarwith you mentioned top down
versus, you know, body.
Yeah.
And so to me, you for anybodylistening, kind of give us
(16:06):
a little bit at leastyour definition of, of what
that is.
So they have an understandingof when you're saying top down,
what do we mean by that.
Yeah.
So essentially we havea continuous communication loop
between our thinking brainor mind we call it.
But our thinking brain reallyis what we mean by that.
And our body, our sensoryperception.
(16:28):
And a lot of times because ofthe set up of our life, right?
We're on our phones all thetime, we're emailing, we're on
social media, we're takingphone calls right now, we're on
a podcast talking.
We end up stuck in ourthinking brain where we're
meaning making, we're usingwords, we're using
analysis, we're creatingnarrative, and we start
(16:51):
to disconnect sometimes from ourwe think like bottom half
or our senses and trackingour physical body experience.
And in order to stayin balance as humans, we need
some some level of maybenot exactly equal, but some
balance, input from our bodysensations and our
(17:17):
brain chatter.
I love, I think it's doctorDan Siegel wrote the book
interconnected.
I think it's.
Yeah. Yes.
Okay.
And so, you know.
Yes, yes.
And so his book interconnectedactually looks at a definition
of the mind.
Right.
Because we think about the mind.
(17:39):
But a lot of us don't havea definition for what that is.
We think the mind is the brainand it's totally not.
His definition of the mindis actually everything, every
relationship.
We're part of the entire worldaround us.
Everything we can perceive.
It's why when people are insolitary confinement or like
(17:59):
me, early in my parentingtwo isolated, we lose our minds
because our our actual mindis our interconnectedness
with the world around us,with the natural world, with our
loved ones and friendshipswith our careers,
with everything and,you know, it's why also, I think
(18:24):
a lot of high poweredcareer people, we think that
like, are are really focused ontheir career.
We also think of them as kindof losing their minds
because they're so focused on acertain part of their
experience, their world,that maybe they're losing touch
with the natural world.
I don't know how.
I don't know how politicalwe want to make this, so I
(18:45):
won't name which CEOs I'mthinking of right now.
But we all know there'ssome CEOs in the world who are
losing touch with thenatural world and how important
that is. Yeah.
And they're so their mindsare actually, I believe,
not healthy because they aren'tin connection with the
(19:05):
natural world and withhow important nature is.
And so having a balanced mindmeans being connected in a
balanced way with nature,with our loved ones, with
everything around us andwith our bodies.
So when I say top down, it'swhen that thinking brain goes
huge and gets stuckand we're not able to, what am I
(19:30):
receiving from my connectionto my breath?
What am I receiving from.
I didn't even feel the chairI was in all day.
Like, what is the chair feeling?
What is my whoa! My low backhas something going on.
I didn't even notice all dayuntil I tried to go to bed.
You know?
Absolutely.
So that top down processingis when when our thinking brain
(19:51):
or analyzing brain ischattering away and we're not
receiving anything.
And then bottom up processingis something we practice
a lot in somatic work, where weare intentionally turning our
attention to sensation tracking,to what can we receive from
(20:12):
the next down.
And we're processingthat way, like when I notice
the chair, I feel the chair'stexture.
I check in with my hand,my breath.
And now going bottom up.
There's an entirely differentmental experience happening now.
(20:34):
And.
Absolutely.
And I think some of that and youcan tell me if you disagree,
I think some of like you said,that training brain of really
kind of the brain isour thinking mind is is kind
of king.
That's where we get especiallyI find so many parents where
(20:56):
we kind of almost train ourselfout of that gut instinct
and listening to the body.
Yes.
And and I think so much ofthat is, at least in
my experience, is some ofthat because we just kind of,
you know, are told from a reallyyoung age, we got it, you know,
got to be in school,we got to be learning all these
things.
And it's my, my, my, my mindand, and we, we just get so good
(21:21):
and going.
My body's trying to send mesignals.
Well no no, no I don't havetime for that because that's
not serving me right.
Absolutely.
I think of my own childright now.
And and she's been experiencingchronic pain for a little over
a year, actually.
And she's only seven, which isreally, really disheartening.
And we're doing a lot to figurethat out.
But she already has that,awareness, that introspective
(21:47):
awareness where she'sable to tell me when I sit
too long, it's warm, my bodytightens up, I can feel it.
And she's being instructed,you know, to not do anything
about that, basically.
And so I've had a lot ofconversations with the
administration or teachersjust saying, you know, we need
to empower these kids to takemovement breaks, to listen
(22:09):
to their bodies, to advocate fortheir needs.
Because I get that it's a loteasier if an entire classroom
of kids will just sit stilland go from one activity
to the next all day with,you know, a 15 minute
snack break and a 30 minutelunch break.
But that's not how their bodiesare designed to act at this age
(22:30):
and not your body's way.
Literally.
So yeah, I mean, there's reasonswhy, you know, some of these
big companies, or whateverthey're doing right or wrong.
You know, we hear aboutthese companies like Netflix
or Google or Facebookor whatever, having pong tables
in meditation rooms and all thisstuff for their coders, because
(22:53):
they actually understand that,like from a sheer business
numbers standpoint, like you'regoing to get the most out
of your people when they'reactually semantically resourced
and effective, because you cantreat them to a desk all day,
but they're not going toget any more work done because
their brains are going tomax out like.
And so it's the same thingwith these kids.
(23:15):
Like unless we get them upand moving all day throughout
the day, they're not going tolearn anything.
There's some quote, I thinkit's Einstein and maybe
I just read it, read iton Instagram.
But it's something about likewe learn through play, like 20
times faster than any other way.
Yeah.
(23:36):
Yeah.
So we gotta move.
Gotta play.
Yeah.
And I think going back to when,on the parenting side and kind
of getting.
Caught in maybe this cycle ofwe need to kind of just push
(23:56):
on ignoring some ofthe body stuff, and the signals
that are being sent, for you.
I'm curious, like, howI heard you mentioned, you know,
you got back into nature,which I love.
Was that your moment or was itstill a journey for you?
Kind of figuring out howhow do you navigate
(24:19):
especially kind of the singleparenthood, being able to,
to trust more of your bodyand to, you know, allow
some of that space of even,you know, potentially,
like I heard you mentioned,you know, I do have a community,
like, where are youable to kind of find your way
to reaching out to them?
(24:40):
What does that look likefor you?
Yeah, I mean, I definitelywas able to start reaching out
to people.
I think my real moment in myparenting journey where I
realized I neededeven more tools and even
more change, like hikingwas great, yoga was great,
but I needed some more tools.
(25:02):
And like you were alludingto earlier, some serious free
parenting work on myself.
My daughter was for, I think, alittle over two and.
Trying to decide how I was selfdeprecating.
(25:23):
I want to go, yeah, I was notI was not showing up
how I wanted to as a parent.
I was having I washaving kneejerk physical
reactions to her triggering me,and was showing up completely
overwhelmed, communicatingin a way that was not it was
(25:44):
damaging our relationship.
And I didn't I didn't know howto discipline her in a way
that would be effective,but also not harmful, because
that was never taught to me.
And so I was spanking herand that felt horrible, like,
(26:06):
and I only did it a handfulof times, but it felt
so horrible every timein my body.
And I, I just like, knew thatthis was not how I wanted to be
treating this being is likethe most precious being
I've ever been in connectionwith in my whole life, and at
one point in her daycare, she,was like roughly grabbed
(26:29):
by one of the daycareteachers, like, on her arm
or something.
Okay.
And she had a little bitof language, you know,
she started speakingreally early.
I think she was liketwo and a half or something
at this time.
I don't remember, but.
I don't know how she said this.
Maybe she's maybe I'm justremembering somewhere
around 2 or 3.
And I said to her, like, how?
(26:49):
Why did they do that?
I can't do that to you.
And I said, Kelly, no oneis allowed to hurt you.
And she said, okay, mommy,only you're allowed to hurt me.
Yeah.
And I like I don't think there'sany clearer way to get that.
(27:10):
What I was doing was not goingto be okay.
It was not okay.
Anyway, I mean, it was gettingto hear her say that, and,
you know, there's still a lot ofparents in my life who subscribe
to spanking and subscribeto that, and it's just,
(27:31):
you know, and yeah, it'sI don't think it's right.
And everything, everything in mewas just screaming that
there had to be a better way.
And if this was the messageshe was getting, that it's okay
for the one person who'ssupposed to keep her safe
and is supposed to teach herhow to keep yourself safe,
is the person who's allowedto cause pain to her body.
(27:53):
Yeah, like, what am I reallyteaching her?
And so I had this hugemoment, and thankfully, a friend
at the time who had movedaway, but, she was seeing
this parenting coachand gifted me a few sessions,
to see her so I couldget started.
(28:15):
Yeah. And and that just changedeverything because I,
I had someone to turn towho could show me
a different way because my bodydidn't know a different
way. Yeah.
And it wasn't going to bea top down process.
Yeah. How?
I mean, for you, I imaginekind of hearing that
(28:39):
and then like you said,maybe not knowing what
else to do, how do you makesense of that?
Enough so that it sounds likeyou were willing to kind of
accept the alternativeand in seeking something
different because you thinkthat's part of the barrier
that I've heard as far as.
(29:03):
The almost like a stucknessthat when, when you get in it
and you're like, well,I don't know, this is this is
what was modeled for meor this is all that I've really
ever seen.
And so I don't really knowanything else, almost a
stuckness of like, well,it is what it is.
There's really, you know. Yeah.
You know, how how do you move,how did you move from that to do
(29:25):
you find that you're, you know,maybe you're protecting
yourself of like protectingyour own identity and kind of
your narrative of yourself.
Did that try just to, to kind ofget you stuck in and,
maybe challenge your you'researching for something
different.
Yeah.
So it is a process that likeat the same time as I'm learning
(29:47):
how to show up differentlyfor her, it is a process
of like that forces me to shinea light on what I need
to work on in myself, and whatI need to admit about
my own past, for sure.
Like you said, those arethe only things I think part a
we're going we're gettingback into that top down
thing like, I didn'tneed to make sense of it.
(30:11):
Like I kind of liberated thatnarrative of like, I don't
need to know what comes next.
I don't need to solve itor fix it.
All I know is that I feel bonesdeep, that what is happening
right now is wrong, and whatand what happened to me
before that put thesepatterns in my body is wrong.
And so if I knew thatin my body, in my kneejerk
(30:33):
physical reactions, in what I'mexperiencing playing out
day to day, if I knowthat's wrong, I feel that
gut feeling, like yousaid of it, of how know
in my stomach.
Yeah.
Then I don't need to knowwhat comes next.
I all I need to do is justkeep listening to those
(30:55):
gut instincts and it willreveal itself.
Just keep trusting thatdoing the next right thing.
So I didn't need to know.
Like for sure it's going tobe this parenting method.
Or for sure it's going to bethis coach or this book or this
somatic technique.
I don't need to solve it yet.
I need to just keep trustingthe nudges.
(31:17):
And so that's ultimately likehow I live my life
and how I, how I teachothers is, is to keep keying
into those somatic feelingsand create a somatic life
where we're so connectedto that inner knowing that,
that sense that we don'twe of course, we stop ourself
in our life.
I'm not saying we never do that,but that's not what's
(31:38):
driving us.
And we're so alignedwith our own inner knowing that
that becomes our safe space.
We become our safe home.
And we learning that for myself,help me to make sense
of everything else.
Eventually, that really it's along journey once again.
Yeah, yeah.
(31:59):
And then working with multipledifferent therapists,
the parenting coach, multiplesomatic healers.
Retreat process is a longjourney.
I was able to actually cometo terms with naming things
that happened to me as abuseas a song, you know, whereas
(32:19):
before, like they wereso normalized into my personhood
and into my body, like I didn'tcall them that, I was just like,
well, that's just stuffthat happens to people like.
And I had like normalized itand so then that was
causing the, you know,generational pattern,
the repeat.
And so I had to actuallyeventually, like you said,
(32:43):
finally make sense of itall at what it was, allow those
into my identity of like, yes,I have been abused.
Yes, I have been assaulted.
Etc..
Yeah.
And I want to pause justfor a moment because I can
absolutely.
Really and I think I wantto make sure to also mention
(33:06):
that for a lot of people,sometimes when our brains
do that, that normalizing piece,like you mentioned,
because so many of us do,sometimes I get folks that
are like, well, that doesn'tmake any sense.
Like, why would my, my, my body,my brain kind of betray me
in that way?
And then normalizingsome of that, and many times
(33:27):
I find it does come from our,our body, our brains job is
to kind of keep us safe.
And sometimes, especially whenyou're a child and you're
experiencing some ofthose things, it's a lot
safer narrative to kindof normalize and be like,
well, this is, you know, thisis what it is, and this is
(33:47):
maybe what that looks like orthese are the exceptions.
Because that's easier, saferto swallow.
And for our brainto kind of wrap our heads around
versus like, this is somethingreally damaging or this isn't
loving, like, okay, if ifthey don't want me. Right.
(34:08):
And if this is how I'm beingtreated, gosh, that that doesn't
feel great.
So I don't want to evengo there.
And so sometimes we dokind of create these narratives.
And I see that this is a wayhopefully for anybody
listening to kind of also havemaybe some compassion and
grace towards your brainand body that was trying
to kind of keep you safefor all of these years
(34:28):
and being able to kind ofsurvive that because 100%,
you know, I, I go, I, I remembermy first ever therapist when
she kind of when I told herthese things and I said, it's
a matter of factly of like, oh,this is just what happens,
you know, the look,the dumbfounded look on her
face of like, that's not that'snot okay.
Yeah, it's not normal.
(34:48):
Like, what's what's, you know,and kind of doing that work.
So I can absolutelykind of relate.
I wanted to, to make sureto point that out as well.
Yeah.
I really I wanted to go backif it's okay with you
to that idea of giving yourselfpermission to not necessarily
(35:08):
know what the next stepwas going to look like,
how did you get to that?
Was that like a an easy shiftfor you?
Was there something thatyou took to be able to kind of
give yourself that,like releasing of pressure?
That's a really good question.
(35:29):
Well, this one parenting coachactually has it, like, in her
sign up, cause she's like,as long as you're going to work
with me, you're committed tonot spanking and not using,
like, punitive, like, you know,you're not going to yell to get
your kids do what theyneed to do.
And so she has it all laid out.
(35:49):
And so that definitely helped mecommit to like, okay, we're
closing the chapter on that.
And I don't know if these toolsthat she has are going
to work. Yeah.
But I'm at least closingthe door on what I know
in my body.
And my heart is not working.
And I'm going to try I'm goingto try her way.
(36:10):
And, you know, some of whatshe said was great and some of
it wasn't as applicable for me,but like, that's the beauty
I think, of working one on onewith someone because
whether it's a therapist,a coach, a support person
like you have thataccountability to help
you commit to at least stepone of the change that you're
(36:31):
inviting in.
And then in terms of releasingthe pressure, I think it's just
that idea of like, sometimesit has to get worse before it
gets better.
I've seen that so many timesin my own creative process.
Like, you have to make a realmess of something, a script,
a song, an idea before itactually gels back
(36:56):
into something that you'reproud of.
And so I think it's thesame thing with our healing
journey.
Sometimes.
Well, what has servedus in survival mode
has held things togetherto a degree.
And we're essentially askingto, like, unravel that whole
billion year or smash that glassjar or whatever.
(37:20):
Yeah, whatever visual analogyworks for you.
And it can be a big mess when weput it together in a way that is
functional again.
And so just trusting, trustingthe mass for the moment
and, yeah, giving yourselfa lot of grace, a lot of
(37:42):
self-care might not coachevery single call she had.
And it was, be gentlewith yourself.
This is hard.
Be gentle with yourself becauseit would feel so messy.
And so I do really,really advocate for working
with a support person because ifI had just tried to, like,
read a book and figure it out,I mean, I had already tried
that actually quite a lot.
(38:05):
And so having someone tokind of help remind me how to
give myself that grace, reflectback to me ways that
she was seeing actual changetake place, even when I couldn't
see it, even whenall I could see was the mess
and the chaos and theI don't know what to do.
I don't know how to do this.
You know, it's important.
What do you see?
That's that's the best waythat you found to kind of
(38:27):
stay connected through thosemessy times.
Because I can imaginewhen you're in it and like you
said, maybe it's getting worsebefore it's getting better,
but it can be really easyto kind of be like, this isn't
helping at all done.
And we kind of get that.
Yeah, yeah, I think definitelystaying connected, either
a coach or like group coachingprograms are also really great.
(38:51):
Or even at least like aFacebook group or a meetup
group.
Like there's so many waysto stay connected with people
who are on a similar journey.
So yeah, having thataccountability and having
people who will help remind youhow great you're doing.
Yeah.
And it doesn't feel like it isreally important.
(39:14):
Did you find that there weresome times where you encountered
people because, you know,reaching out and finding a group
especially like, let's say,a Facebook group, there'll be
some people on there that aresuper supportive,
and I feel like you still runthe risk of potentially having
those people who like to,to judge and to have comments
based off of whatyou're feeling.
(39:35):
Did you find that youencountered that?
And if so, kind of was thereanything that you did
to kind of help navigate that?
Yeah, absolutely.
There are those peopleand groups.
I that's I definitely do.
If you can advocate working oneon one, or at least in a group
container that's facilitated bya leader who will kind of help
(39:56):
with that.
Mitigate that, at leastto a degree.
But then also that'swhere I come back to that,
continually relearningyour own body and your own inner
knowing your own self senseas your safe place.
Because the more you keeplearning to trust yourself
(40:20):
and keep reminding yourselfall the reasons why you can
trust yourself and trustyourself, then you're fortified
for when these kinds of commentscome in, whether it's
from a random strangeron a Facebook group or a lot of
times it'll come from the peoplein your inner circle who aren't
ready to see you change.
And maybe you don't want to facewhat they would need to face
(40:43):
within themselves to be ableto fully witness your healing.
That'll definitely come upin a lot of us.
So the more you can keepfortifying that safety
within yourself and moreprepared you'll be
for those kinds of comments.
I was there when it comes frommaybe somebody in your
inner circle have youjourney through kind of
(41:07):
navigating like boundary settingand limit setting
within that and what maybedid you find most helpful
for you?
Yeah, absolutely.
And it's it's an ongoingjourney, I think boundary
setting, you know, it'snot something we learn once
and we set our boundaries.
And then again, like it'sit's ongoing throughout
our lives of each personthat comes into our lives.
(41:28):
And, and also as we navigaterelationships, as they change.
I still was on a call with mytherapist yesterday talking
about how there's a familymember that, I'm realizing
I don't really feel supportedby every like pretty much
every time we talk, I leave theconversation feeling like like a
(41:48):
tightness in my chest and like adefensive energy, like, wow,
I just had to, like, defendeverything I said or everything
I'm doing for like, most of thecall. Yeah.
And it was almost liberatingbecause I was able to name that
and then realize, okay, that'sgoing to inform how I show up
to that relationship.
(42:09):
Now.
It's going to inform how much ofwhat they say I take in as fact,
and how much I'm letting theminto my my innermost
thought life and myinner circle.
Yeah.
I think it's a continueevaluation process. And
continuing to check inwith those physical sensations
(42:31):
will help because your bodywill tell you how you feel
with people.
Yeah, if you're listening in.
So if you're realizing, wow,every time I hang out with
this person and I'm feeling thislike tension, maybe this
is someone that I need a littlerenegotiation of my boundaries
with.
(42:51):
Yeah, yeah.
Or maybe this is someone thatI just don't discuss certain
topics with because Iactually don't value what
they have to add to thesetopics.
And so that's definitelysomething that I realized where,
you know, someone,one of my loved ones, a family
member, might be someone that Ifeel so happy when I get to
(43:14):
joke around casual stuff about,make little jokes about whatever
old memories.
And I might love to talkwith them about stuff
that they're excited about,and I might love to talk
with them about, you know,the animals or whatever.
But parenting is not onthe table for discussion.
And I know I'll have tojust say that.
(43:35):
Listen, I'm not reallyinterested in any anything
you have to add to that.
So let's talk about somethingwe like to talk about,
you know. Yeah.
And just continuing to show upto those boundaries of love
and consistency and resetthem as many times as needed.
And if people flat out aren'trespecting them, then there's
even more communicationthat needs to happen.
(43:57):
You know, maybe this is oneI only exchange emails with,
or since they weren't respectingboundaries on the phone,
you know, you continue.
You have to like reassess howthings are going. But,
it doesn't have to be combative.
It can be done with grace.
With grace, I think is somethingI believe.
Yeah.
(44:17):
And I love that you mentionedthat, you know, kind of
consistently checking in and dodo we need some renegotiations
here.
Animal sounds kind of likea flexibility.
And that something thatand that maybe you do have to
kind of seed it multiple times,which I absolutely
can appreciate sometimes.
That's really frustrating.
And but that's exactlyanything for when I, when I,
(44:42):
I remember kind of readingwhen I was learning
about something that,you know, in grad school,
even just that it was,it was like a broken record.
And some of the key pieces were,you know, some considered to be
a broken record.
That's just really kind ofknowing and trusting, like you
said, that.
Then what's your bodysending you?
What is your body telling youthat? Yeah.
This doesn't sound great,that this is kind of really
(45:02):
draining.
A lot of my energy.
And so that in itself, I imaginethen also impacts
how you're able to show up forthe people that you really want
to show up for in a differentway, and, you know,
and solutions and kind oftightened up.
And so, but then there are waysto set those boundaries with
respect to that, but also verymuch respect to yourself
(45:24):
as well, because I thinksometimes people are like, oh,
I'm going to set a boundary.
And so it has to like it.
It's almost like a reactiveboundary where now like
we're like shouting at themand you know, it doesn't land
boundary.
Yeah. Yeah.
It doesn't have to be combative.
Exactly.
So I love that.
And I appreciate you kind ofpointing that out because
(45:46):
I think that that's such animportant one.
Because it does come up and likeyou said, sometimes
it does come, from those peoplethat are closest.
And when you are making thosechanges and there's girls
that it's it's difficult to evenchange is hard for anybody,
especially to kind of if you'vebeen going in a certain
kind of pattern for so longwith a particular person,
(46:06):
especially like your familyof origin women, we've
been doing that patternfor years and years and years
that it can have a lot of thosegrowing pains and, and I love,
like you said, kind ofreally, really finding
those ways to honor the signalsthat your body is trying to, to
send to you because, yeah,they're likely not coming from
(46:26):
just nothing past whenone thing that was helpful
for me was learning about hardboundaries and soft boundaries.
And so sometimes we have ahard boundary that's like,
I will never, ever be aroundanyone who hits me like hard
boundary.
Most are not available for thatat all.
(46:50):
But then a soft boundarymight be like, I might sometimes
work through someone who raisestheir voice a little bit,
like if they raise their voiceand it is very short and
they catch themselvesand they take ownership of it
and apologize, andI can see that they are doing
(47:12):
the work on themselves to getsome external help with that
and learn, learn nonviolentcommunication.
I still stay in connectionwith that person.
They might they might not besomeone that I have in my home.
But I might still call them.
I might still meet up with themin public.
(47:34):
I might still, you know, happilyspend time with them, maybe even
in their home, and watchtheir healing journey.
So, like, a soft boundarywould be like, I usually want to
make space for someonewho, like, loses their shit
and screams.
But like this instance, I softenmy boundary for this person
because it's a specific casewhere I can see the growth
(47:55):
and I can see that it's achanging process and a healing
process.
So yeah, or it might besomething where like a soft
boundary could be, I don'tI don't share finances with
lovers.
(48:16):
Could be a boundary.
But then I soften it in certainsituations like, there's
something we both really wantto go in on together, and we've
discussed it, and it feelssafe and good.
I can soften that boundary or,you know.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I love I lovethat reframing, like you
said, a firm, versus, like,the softer lines. Yeah.
(48:39):
So as we close up today, one ofthe questions that I'd
like to ask my guests is if youhad access to a Delorean,
is there a particular age rangethat you would want to go to
and not to change anythingbut to offer yourself,
whether it's a hug or maybesome words?
(48:59):
A Delorean is like atime machine.
Yes. So.
So I'm from the age wherewe watched back to the future.
I have seen this movie as like along time ago.
I forgot that I was like,literally just like the Delorean
time machine.
It's the car, right?
Yes, it is the car. Okay.
(49:22):
When what what age would yougo back to and
what would you offer yourself?
The the first age it's comingthrough is age eight.
I think that I thinkthey just need to hear you
(49:46):
right.
Because there's just a lot ofundermining of my own instincts
and my own.
Intuition of what was happening.
And.
Yeah, I think they just needto hear.
You're right.
(50:08):
And you can see howright you are.
Okay.
Yeah.
I love that information.
You know, it's it's two words,but it's so powerful.
I absolutely love that.
Thank you.
I love that question.
And it's like internalfamily systems.
Time machine.
Let's go. Yes.
(50:29):
Well, thank you for journeyingwith me back inside.
And thanks for the invitation.
Absolutely.
Okay.
Before I let you go, when wesay goodbye to everybody,
for anybody who wants to connectwith you or receive any of
the services that you offer,this is our shameless
plug section.
So please plug away.
Where can people find you?
What are you offering?
Yeah, amazing.
(50:50):
I'm on Instagram as a WeepingWillow wellness.
And if you're interestedin music, it's for please f e
r m a to b r I c e.
And my signature one onone coaching framework is called
the whole body Communicator.
It's a holistic modalityI created where we use
(51:11):
somatic tools to healcommunication with the body.
So as I referenced a lotduring our chat today,
re learning how to listento those gut instincts, re
learning how to keep thatcommunication, that bottom up
communication flowing throughhow our day to day life,
communication with the bodywe heal communication
with the self.
(51:31):
So we use transformationlanguage, mindset work,
motivational interviewing,different forms of somatic
cognitive behavioral therapyto work with any mental blocks,
or unhelpful language patternsthat are not supporting
our change communication bodycommunication self and then
lastly communicationwith others.
So that's where we would workthrough boundary setting or how
(51:55):
how we're making offers, howwe're asking for our needs.
And work on the actualcommunication strategies.
A lot of communication coachesjust start to dive straight
into the interpersonalcommunication, which,
if it's not supported by,a soothed soma and an empowered
mind is not going to stick,we're not going to be able
(52:17):
to actually make a change,because we can't we can't
make change if our nervoussystem is in hyper or
hypo arousal.
We can't make a changeif we have core beliefs
or character statements that areblocking us from even being a
growth mindset.
So that's how my program startswith those two things.
(52:38):
And then we work on thecommunication aspect.
So I'm really proud of yeah,I'm really proud of the results
of this program as havingfor people.
I would love to helpmore people.
And there will be a groupversion of the program
coming out later this year.
So I'm super excited about that.
Okay. Yeah.
Make sure to look out for that.
As always, all of thatinformation links are
going to be in our show notes.
(52:58):
So for anybody listeningmake sure you pop down there
and check it out.
And connection plays that thatresonates with you.
Please.
Thank you so much for sharingyour special sauce recipe.
I'm excited to try it and,for sharing your story.
Helping us pull backthat curtain in and normalize
with the thing is really,really hard as a parent.
(53:20):
And thank you everyonefor listening.
And today, make sureto come back next time
for more, food for thoughtand thoughtful food.
We'll see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
(53:41):
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
(54:03):
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!