June 10, 2025 • 52 mins
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Join Reesa as she chats with Krissy Bold about motherhood, identity, and easy meals that save time and sanity. This episode delivers practical tips, honest storytelling, and encouragement for moms who crave real talk and relatable solutions.
Here’s what you’ll take away:
- How Krissy’s chicken pot pie recipe adapts “girl dinner” to quick family meals, plus time-saving tips with rotisserie chicken and store-bought crust.
- The realities of new motherhood, from sleep struggles to the unexpected loneliness and isolation.
- How losing and redefining identity after becoming a parent isn’t a failure—but an opportunity to grow.
- The importance of seeking support and therapy, and why reaching out for help is a strength, not a weakness.
- Actionable advice for finding joy in the small moments, building community, and taking baby steps toward rediscovering yourself.
Don’t forget to check the links below for Krissy’s podcast, resources, and the full chicken pot pie recipe!
Connect with Krissy here:
boldlittleminds.com, BoldLittleMinds MomCast,
Resources:
Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself by Dr. Morgan Cutlip
Krissy shared inspiration from Megan Get Real - full recipe here: https://meagangetsreal.com/easy-home-made-chicken-pot-pie/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR3jn89j5okZZclhxTdHmwH-SH1vBbbp0T_V_ZWPENvEj_I5glnqomzeGNw_aem_REIyDgeDC5IyTqILrq7PQw
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Disclaimer: The content presented here is for informational purposes and does not constitute mental health treatment or professional advice. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please reach out to emergency services or a crisis hotline in your region. The views shared by participants in the show are their own and do not necessarily align with the platform’s positions.
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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I would sit there and think,like who?
Not just who am I?
But am I a person with needsthat matter?
Because the person levelneeds certainly didn't feel like
they were getting fulfilled.
(00:20):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa, and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
Real Family Eats, wherewe've got food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! Welcome backeveryone.
(00:50):
Thanks so much for joining us.
I am excited to have you here.
And I'm excited for our guestwho is joining us today.
We have Krissy.
Hi.
Thanks so much for beingwilling to be a guest today.
Hi Reesa, thank you so muchfor having me.
We met before when we talkedon my podcast and
I am so excited to talkto you again because you are
such a joy.
You are wonderful to work with.
(01:12):
thank you and so are you.
So that's why I had to have youon on my podcast, you know,
because it's just I think, youknow, we got we got a good vibe.
Good thing going here.
So I'm so excited.
So for anybody who doesn'tknow you, can you introduce
yourself for us?
Definitely.
Yeah.
So I am a stay at homemom to two young boys.
Right now, they're just twoand three and a half.
(01:33):
Almost four.
That's coming faster thanyou believe, which is, you know,
everyone believes it, and,they are just totally wild.
And I get no sleep, and,you know, it's just chaos.
And we have so muchfun together.
In my pockets of time, I run myInstagram account, which is Mom
Identity Project, whereI'm really leaning into
helping moms figure out whothey are after becoming a mom
(01:53):
and being okay with recognizingthat you are a different person
and that you aren'tweird for this.
And my podcast is coming outFebruary 27th called Moms Guide
to Finding Herself, where I canreally get into a lot
of that details and sharestories like yours
of who you are after becominga mom, what led you there?
Yeah, and make sure to checkthat out.
(02:14):
And that just so you can see mymy lovely face to.
But there's a lot of awesomecontent in there.
So I'm so excited for youand your, your relaunching
of that.
All right.
So let's jump in before weget to your story.
You're sharing a recipe with us.
So tell us what recipeyou're sharing and why did you
choose this one? Yes.
So I am a or I was, beforebecoming a mom, a very
(02:39):
independent woman.
I had my my condo.
I lived alone for many yearsand it was just me.
And, I don't knowif you remember the trend
that happened, like a coupleof years ago.
Girl, dinner.
My wife was girl dinner.
It would be like rice with blackbeans or, you know,
just something the rawingredients that just
came together to becomesomething bland but nutritious
(03:03):
enough.
So this meal, thischicken pot pie meal was one
of the first thingsthat I started to become
a little more tiptoeing out of,like, okay, I can actually
cook something for myself,but still super easy, super
accessible for anyonewho is still in the girl
dinner phase.
With your family.
There's absolutely nothing wrongwith that.
I'm a huge fan of itstill. Yeah.
(03:25):
So a lot of frozen vegetables,a lot of pre prepped,
ingredients that we canthrow together and make
something yummy and still feellike you did a lot of work.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I love that because you hada little hat tip on kind of
your chicken and being ableto kind of, as you mentioned,
have things that weremaybe already pre prepped
and you could just throwtogether a little bit quicker.
(03:48):
So can you tell us kind ofthe steps for those tips for us?
I'll get things goingwhile we try.
Yes, absolutely.
So the rotisserie chicken wasI think is that where you went
with the rotisserie.
Yeah.
Okay. Great.
So getting a rotisseriechicken is already cooked.
Those are the juiciest chickens.
I don't know how they do itbecause I any time
(04:10):
I cook chicken I feel likeit's just constantly tough.
I it's probably a lackof practice, but they have it
made for like $6.
I don't know, it's like nothinglike this whole chicken.
That's so juicy and delicious.
So you just start ripping apartor taking that breast meat
or whatever, the whole thing,rip it apart, shred it up.
You can even take a hugechunk of meat off and throw it
(04:32):
in your, KitchenAid mixerand put it on really quick
and it shreds it for you.
So, okay.
All done.
Ready to go.
You can just turn it up and,I don't know, stick it in a bowl
and then you take your,your pans of creamed chicken
right here.
Cream of chicken.
And, and you dumpthat in the pot and you can dump
(04:52):
the frozen vegetables asis in the pot because
guess what?
They're going to cookas they melt.
So you don't haveto do anything.
Roll.
And then I don't remember.
Do I haven't done thisin a long time.
I should have done thisbeforehand.
My husband is the cook now, sohe has adopted this recipe
for me, where I think we put itin the pot and kind of mix it up
and get it all juicy and nice,and then, we roll out the dough,
(05:17):
okay?
Just the prepackaged pie crust.
We are not making a piecrust here.
I, I feel like even the bestbakers often use premade
pie crust, but hot tip don't usethe Aldi pie crust there too.
Okay I think oh, interesting.
Yes.
So okay, I'm a big fan of Aldi.
I'm a big fan of saving money,but there are some things
(05:39):
like just go with the Pillsbury.
And so roll that out.
Put your mixture on if you havea lot of extra.
And sometimes I double it upso we can freeze a whole bag of
that mixture and we candefrost it.
Leader.
And then you've got another,chicken pot pie ready to go.
Put the crust on top,throw it in the oven.
Voila.
You have nice.
(06:01):
Oh, and potatoes cut potatoes.
Right. Okay.
I don't know if you.
So I told you I did notdo potatoes time on this one.
And that was morejust last night I said
I I'm a mom right now and thingsare wild.
And I didn't have time to peeland keep a potato.
I get it, I get it.
Potatoes are a priorityin my life of all times, but
(06:22):
everybody has a differentpriority.
I wish you potato for everysingle meal of the day.
So that is me.
There is a video of meon my honeymoon eating several
potatoes because it was so I.
Yeah, you know, it's theIrish in me.
I think that it just comes out.
It's like a deep rooted lovethat's there.
(06:42):
My genetics.
Yeah.
Well, I can appreciate that.
You know, I think I'm similar,but my name is race.
I'm, I'm Filipino.
And so I mean, my, my husband'salso Irish.
So when we do kind of SaintPatrick's Day with your,
you know, corned beef andthe potatoes I have to have
on the side of my, you know,it's just starch.
(07:03):
Choose your starch of choice.
Right?
Absolutely, I love it.
Okay.
Well, I can actually do that.
As you mentioned, steps arefairly straightforward.
So I'll get going mixing this upand getting my pot pie
all together, while we chat.
And I'm so thankful for youbeing willing to kind of come in
(07:23):
and share a little bit of aboutyour story and just, you know,
some of the journeys that you'venavigated, within your
parenthood life because I thinkit's so important to be able
to just get the awarenessout there, taking down
that hurt and, and really kindof letting others know
that the thing is really hard.
(07:45):
So could you share with usa little bit about some of
some of the harm that youhave had to kind of navigate
on your journey.
Definitely.
Now I think one ofthe big things is my Instagram,
my business, my podcastisn't about finding yourself
an identity by accident.
Right.
This is something that that hasbeen a theme throughout
(08:06):
my motherhood journey, whereI, like a lot of people, had a
really clear pictureof who I was going to be
as a mom.
Before I had kids, I hadthis fantasy.
This image was even a fantasy.
It was just like my plan,like this was my goal of
I was going to be going to everylibrary playdate or every,
you know, library storytime,every mom group could ever
(08:28):
come in under the sun.
I had been saving prenatal yogaclasses in the area for years,
and at that point, once I was,I decided that I was going
to become a mom.
Like I had a spreadsheetgoing of all of these things,
all of these communities,all of these things
that I could be a part ofbecause I was so genuinely
excited to become a part of thiscommunity, to be a mom and to
(08:49):
and to, do that.
So I had these things,and then I had my baby in 2021,
and those things didn'texist anymore.
They were not, groups.
They just weren't happening.
I was a part of my own groups,virtually, but it's just
not quite the same.
You know, I did make a friendthrough it, which I'm very lucky
(09:11):
that I was able to makea connection because it's it's
tough.
It's hard to actually,first of all, being on a
zoom call with a new babyor when you're pregnant, you're
you just can't thinkabout the other people
in the room becauseyou're focused on that.
So it's kind of like, okay,I'll listen long enough to know
when it's my turnon the hot seat to ask
my lactation questionor whatever, my diaper question.
(09:33):
And then you kind of just haveto put yourself on mute and
do your thing because you'reat home like a different way.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I thinkbringing a baby to different
space puts you in just adifferent mindset in the baby.
Everything else.
So it was first.
The first part of my transitionwas tough because these things
that I visioned myselfbeing a part of just didn't
(09:54):
exist.
I did zoom story times because Ifelt like I just wanted
to try to be a partof that still.
And then when the summer cameand things started opening
back up again, I was able togo out to those and we were
part of outdoor storytimes,which were lovely and wonderful
and great.
And that's really when I startedto feel like I was waiting
up again.
I was going on hikes with mymy baby.
(10:16):
I would put them in the carrier,we would walk to the waterfall
and we would have a great time.
And then I got pregnant againvery quickly.
I got pregnant and he was,what, like ten?
It was less than a year old. So.
Okay, that's and very quickly,you're not going for
hikes anymore because thatexhaustion.
(10:38):
Yeah I think we've that's one ofthe things that we
forget so fast I can rememberbeing tired but holy cow
the exhaustion is unreal.
You physically can't stay awakesometimes.
Well and not only that.
Yeah, you're combining itwith having to keep up with
another child.
(10:58):
And I think that that wasat least my experience where
I found myself each time,kind of a new level of tired
that I had never experiencedbefore.
You know, I remember being incollege and going, you know,
I was a theater major.
So we were up at all hoursand seeing like, oh my gosh,
I'm so excited because Ihad to get up for my A.T.M.
(11:18):
class the next morning and thenand then I went to
graduate school and I was like,oh man, this is a new level
of of tire because this isthis is a lot of work.
And then like you said, then youget pregnant and you add
that and it's like, no, man,I have never known exhaustion.
This is exhaustion.
And then I had my second kid,like you're saying.
And now I'm trying to keep upwith this toddler while
(11:40):
also having that same, you know,level of exhaustion.
But I didn't have the abilityto just go rest when I wanted
to rest, because that's usuallywhen my child was up
and running.
So I that makes so much sense.
I relate to all of that.
Right.
So there was no more libraryplaydates because I for a while
(12:01):
there was, I did I still wentfor a long time.
But then eventually,you know, my my toddler
was toddling and nowrunning around like we would be
outside and he would gently dartstraight to the parking lot
or do all the thingsto run around.
And now I've got thisbig old belly that I'm trying
to chase.
And with that, you just getto a point where, for me,
(12:22):
I was like, this is notthe benefit, it is not existing.
I would rather be at homechasing him.
There where I can restwhen I need to still be active,
talk to the neighborsand whatnot, and have
people over.
But going out and beinga part of a community, I am.
I'm not getting the benefitfrom this.
So we we stopped doing that.
(12:43):
And but it made senseat that point.
You know, it was something I wasleaning into and deciding very
intentionally like, this is notgood for me.
Let's just, let's lean into therelaxation because
there's benefit in there.
I'm fine.
And then the baby comes, and nowyou're still getting used
to a way of life.
But soon.
(13:05):
Right?
You start to feel likeyou want to get out again.
Yeah.
And that's where my secondlevel of frustration came in.
My like, okay, slap in the facewith reality.
So, you know, you get past thatinitial postpartum where you're
recovered enough to get outand go places, see people
do things, whatever it is.
(13:27):
You might be exhausted still,but you're ready to integrate
into society.
Covid was no longer an immediatepressing issue.
There were mom groups,storytimes everywhere.
All the things except my babydecided that he was not going to
allow for this.
He would scream in the carlike he was dying for the length
(13:51):
of our trip, the durationfrom the minute he got into
the car seat to where we got,no matter how long it was.
My sister lives an hour awayand a trip to Hershey.
You know you would.
You can take yourselfup, you can see the baby's
gonna cry, but he's gonnafall asleep and you'll cry
himself out.
I know he's safe.
I know he's fine.
It doesn't feel good.
It makes you feel stressed.
And all these things.
But you know that they'llpass out.
(14:12):
You know that they're justgoing to get through it.
But that wouldn't happen.
It would be the entire hour.
Just blood curdling. Wow.
I'm telling you, it waspainful on so many levels.
Now.
My first baby crying inthe car, too.
Sure.
I mean, I feel like that'sso common.
(14:32):
A lot of babies just it's it'sweird and strange, but he got
used to it over time.
Or I found different thingsthat could help soothe him
or distract him. But nothingwas working.
The the sound machines,the cuddles, the baby's
pacifier.
Any suggestion you could give meI had tried, I would do
(14:54):
two minute drives around the.
I live in a cul de sac, so liketwo minute drives around
the neighborhood just to try tonormalize it.
Right.
Put them in and yeah,and like let's just do that.
And now we're home.
Seen it was great.
We had so much fun.
Nothing worked I had Ithe things that I bought,
the money that I spent to tryto get out of the house, I,
(15:15):
I even buy, you knowhow babies love the real thing.
They make toys that are like,replicas of things,
but they want the remote,the access.
They can tell when it's real.
I just went out and boughtthe exact same remote
we had at home when shewanted her.
Yeah, it just nothing works.
(15:37):
So I was essentiallystuck in it.
It was a choice of do I?
If I go somewhere, I'mgoing to be with the
screaming baby.
And it gave me, it gave methe jitters.
I couldn't even get my agent.
I don't want to dothat to myself.
It was terrible.
But the cost at that point,you know, before when I
decided that I wasn't goingto go out to do things anymore,
(15:59):
it was because I was tired.
And then the benefit wasI was resting and connecting
with my toddler in ain a nice way.
But now the only benefit wasto avoid pain, to not leave.
Wow.
You know, I mean, gosh,that sounds just so
incredibly one a difficultspot to be in.
(16:19):
It's either choose what soundslike a really lonely
space to be in or asyou mentioned, kind of curdling
screams.
And, and you know, I don't knowabout your kid, but I remember,
like, hair standing up, likeit would just like be in my body
when I would hear mybaby scream.
So I could only imagine, like,if that's happening, even,
(16:40):
like you said, for like anhour drive just to go
visit family and try to connectin that way.
Like, it's like those arereally hard, you know, fork in
the road if you will.
Right.
Why do I choose isolation or oror unsafe driving.
Truly it's not safe anymoreat that point for me to be in
the car and listen, I had toeven a ten minute drive
(17:03):
at that point I was ableto do it for a long time,
but then it just got to me likeI never got used to it.
I would I would knowthat we were going for
ten minutes and I wouldgive myself pep talks and get
in the car and just do it.
But still, that pitin my stomach the whole time.
Now, my baby was bornin November.
(17:23):
So, you know, probably likeDecember ish, when we started to
get out and do thingsand I started to discover
this, right?
And like about a month,maybe January, but still.
And I live in New Englandwhere it cold for a very
long time and very snowy.
So we weren't going places,but people weren't coming
(17:45):
to us either.
So that was really hard.
You know, it's a long winterwith a lot of sicknesses.
So it's not because I didn'tnecessarily have people who were
willing to.
It's just there's a lotof obstacles, you know,
if there's snow and with parentswho aren't necessarily
comfortable driving in the snowor in cold or extreme cold
conditions, or my sister hastwo kids too, but they were sick
(18:10):
all the time.
You know that.
And never ending winter illnessthat a lot of us experience
with it.
It was then another layerof isolation.
I remember I had a friendwho I haven't seen in years,
like I haven't seen this guyin like 15 years.
And he randomly reached outto me.
We had a mutual connectionwho had passed away.
(18:31):
So I, you know, that makes youkind of just reach out to other
people.
You but even if they're onthe fringes of your life, like,
hey, you just want tocheck in and talk to you and
I've been through enough therapyto know that I need to say
when I'm struggling and askfor help.
So I was like, oh, somebody isreaching out to me.
This is my chance.
I'm gonna use my skillsthat I've worked on to admit
(18:54):
that I am in a tough spot.
And he was saying, we live onthe lake now.
Come visit, bring the boys.
We're going to go for a swim.
It's going to be so much fun.
And I was very prepared.
Yes, that sounds great.
I would love to do that.
However, I am in a verydifficult spot in my parenting
right now where I amunable to leave because my child
(19:15):
like it's unreal.
You wouldn't believe it.
It's next level.
Yeah, we would love to have youplease come visit.
I'm very lonely.
I would love to see you.
Oh, you know, I never reallyget out that way, but it was
great to let me know when you'regoing to come by. Oh.
Oh.
Oh, so it's just hardwhen you're in it and you're
(19:36):
reaching out and tryingthe things.
But your bids aren'tbeing accepted.
Yeah.
What do you do?
I'm so curious.
Like in those moments, kind ofwe'll say more about, like,
the headspace that you were in.
I mean, I'm just I'mhearing you and and like
you said, you're tryingto reach out.
(19:57):
You're trying to still makethese connections in
in the capacity that you have.
And then to kind of just stillso isolated and no one kind of
reaching back, if you will,or picking up those bits
for connection.
Can you say more?
Yeah, sure.
So I got into a weekwhere I felt just bad
(20:19):
for myself.
You know, I was sad that thesethings weren't happening, that
I was in the space, but I wasalso feeling just really,
really bad.
Like, what's wrong with me?
Why am I not gettingwhat I need?
What could I be doingdifferently?
How do I need to act different?
And that's a really tricky placeto be in, because now
(20:44):
you're not just feeling lonelyand isolated.
Your self-worth is also goingthrough the basement rates.
It's plummeting because nowyou're trying to dissect
what's wrong.
Why am I this person that isn'tgoing that isn't worthy of this
support?
And that's a slippery right?
Once you start going downthat road of allowing your brain
(21:08):
to really pick apart, you likewe are own worst critics.
We know everything that's wrongwith us.
We know all of our faults.
So if you ask me, why me?
Like my brain is goingto come up with so many reasons
why I am not worthy of thesethings, especially when I'm
not in a place where I'm feelinggreat about myself or
my situation.
(21:30):
So that's that's dangerous.
So I quickly tried to.
I reached back out tomy therapist.
I had gone to therapy when,I was pregnant with my first
because I really wanted to havea connection with somebody.
I know how hard it is,first of all, to find somebody
with availability, andget an appointment and then
(21:51):
second to find somebodyyou vibe with and feel
comfortable with,and then third, to actually
reach out when you'restruggling.
So I had luckily, this visionin my brain when I was
pregnant of this is somethingthat I should do to help
prepare myself for motherhood.
So that way, if I do end upin a spot where I feel like
(22:12):
I need extra support,I'm not facing those barriers
while I'm also struggling.
I have a direct road to somebodyor a phone call that I can
make, rather than the 15phone calls you might
have to make to try to findsomebody who's willing to
see you.
So luckily I had that that lineand we were able to
start talking and I was ableto leave the house to go to her
(22:34):
because we were no longerin telehealth.
So it was wonderful to have anhour out of the house
to just talk to somebodywho, you know, even if she
that was her her job is her jobto talk to me for that hour.
But it felt great to havesomebody who's just had
the space and the opportunityto really like, talk to me.
(22:54):
Oh, my three year old is here.
I forgot to lock the door.
Hey, buddy.
I'll be out in a minute.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
This is normally right at homefrom Costco.
I guess, but.
Okay, so.
So having that lifeline,having somebody to talk to,
(23:17):
to have that space help me toget out of that cycle, just
feeling bad for myselfand instead thinking, well,
what can I do?
What's in my control?
Where, where can I go with thisto help me get what I need?
Which was a blessing.
It was just this exactlywhat I needed to do.
Yeah, I'm I'm curious for youand your experience to hear you
(23:39):
mentioning that, youknow, you did you did reach out.
You kind of establish thatthat support, if you will,
early on.
Was that a decision that kind ofcame easily so many times a
hear folks, especially parents,where it's this idea that, hey,
(23:59):
if I do that, whether it'sI'm weak, it means I'm
less than, or, you know, asyou were mentioning,
we get really good atrationalizing why it's somehow
a feeling on us.
And even just like you said,going out of the house
for an hour, I've had somany parents who go, oh, but
(24:20):
that's so selfish.
Like, I'm going to leavemy child.
And what kind of parent doesthat make me like?
Was that something that wasat play?
Like, did it take workto kind of get to that point?
Can you say more? Sure.
So I'm talking about gettingto therapy now for setting up.
The therapy was an issue for meinitially because I feel
(24:41):
like you're if you area planner, you're brain,
you're planning your typea brain on in pregnancy mode
is like in overdrive.
Like, let's nest this wholething.
Let's figure it all out.
So setting up the therapistand doing that preliminary
work for me was like, I amproductive.
I, I am doing, I am meetingmy needs, I am doing my future
(25:05):
self a favor.
So it was just kind of part ofit was as for me, as feeling
as productive as buyingthe dresser, I think it
just felt like great.
Like we are making this baby.
And so that was great.
Thank.
Calling her when I actuallyneeded it.
Now that's a different story,you know, admitting
(25:27):
like, where we, on inthis mental health journey
of like, now I'm reallystruggling and I see myself
going in this spiral.
I should reach out to her.
It was tough to make thatphone call because first of all,
I had had this history.
Now where I've reached outto people for support
and I've been hearing no's or Ican't because it was all
(25:52):
valid reasons.
So now you're thinking,okay, I'm going to reach out
to her.
Does she have availability?
Is she even open to having mea client anymore?
She can have any appointments.
Like how is this even goingto work?
Can my husband take the timeoff of work to support this?
Now I'm a burden on him.
Wow.
Yeah, some for meleaving my kids for an hour
(26:12):
at that point.
I mean, I was it's going tosound terrible, but I was
so sick of them because we hadnothing else than being together
for so long that I was like,by seeing an our you'll
be great.
But being a burdenon my husband's work schedule,
that was the hard partfor me. Wow.
And was that something that youwere able to kind of articulate
(26:35):
in the moment and, and be ableto kind of have support
to fact check whether or not,you know, you were in
deep learning or was thatjust your brain, again, getting
really good at finding the faultin itself?
It's something I stillstruggle with any time my needs
(26:55):
disrupt his work schedule.
As a stay at home mom,I feel very, very burdened
burdening his word.
I feel like I'm I'm a burdenanytime I need to do that.
Because my job I takeI've always taken my job
very seriously and reallystrong work ethic.
And right now my job is raisingthe children and that childcare
(27:18):
is under my domain.
So when I need somebodyto come in and take that
over, it's like I'm not doingmy job, I'm not meeting
the needs.
So that is something thatI still struggle with.
Like make any timeI need to make an appointment.
I'm like, I'm so sorry I have todo this.
I go to the doctor, I feel likeI need to go to urgent care.
Like whatever the thing is thatrequires him to take time off.
(27:39):
I'm like, okay,I have no problem with using
the time that he is not working.
You know, I do my podcastat night.
I do my business at night,and then through the pockets
of the day.
So when he's done with work,I'm like, okay, have fun with
the kids.
But when he is working,even I think that's
(28:01):
something I'm probably alwaysgoing to have to just do, do
the thing, you know,where you have to just do it
and feel it in the pit,in your stomach and you know
it's going to go awayand it's going to be fine.
But I feel like I'm always goingto be having to just push myself
into it.
Yeah.
Is there anything thatyou have found that has
been helpful for youto kind of move through it
(28:22):
and not maybe get stuck in it?
Yeah.
What my, you know, people doword of the year where like,
my word of the year is thisI'm going to really
embrace them.
My word of the yearis just cringe like embrace
the cringe.
Like it might feeluncomfortable.
Your very vulnerable.
It feels like you don'twant to be doing this because
(28:46):
you know how weird it is.
Just do it.
Like just hit send and gothrow up and come back and like,
it'll be fun to get you into it.
So that's just embracingthat helps.
It doesn't necessarily make iteasier for sure.
You mean in the first anytimeyou're doing something
(29:08):
that you're uncomfortable with,it takes a lot in you
just to like, close your eyes,hit send.
Okay, I did it.
I can't take it back, you know?
Yeah.
And then you get over it.
And I think it's a musclethat will probably get easier
over time as you exercisethat that routine and that
practice and feeling like therearen't consequences.
(29:28):
Like he's not mad at me.
I think these are things.
And I'm still early in myparenting, you know, three and a
half years, four years of beingdependent on somebody
in that way.
Yeah, not much time of practice.
Even though it feels likea lifetime.
It's really it's really notthat much practice that
I've had so far.
(29:49):
So I know that as they getolder, it's going to get easier.
Yeah.
And when I really appreciateabout you saying that is I think
sometimes we see thatand we're like, oh, it's been
like three years.
Why is this not likecompletely oh, you know, present
sunshine roses already.
And I think sometimeswe forget that.
(30:10):
Especially if this isa narrative, right,
that we've been havingto navigate and work through for
most of our life in comparison,you know, the couple of
years versus however oldyou are, you know, that that's a
significant imbalance as faras credit giving yourself
that like, hey, I've been tryingand I've been trying for
(30:31):
these three, four years,five for however many
like, and I'm still tryingand I'm still working at it.
I could have given up, right?
I could have said, oh,this isn't working.
Bye. I'm done.
But it sounds like kind offor you.
What you have found is,is finding a way to tolerate
the distress, which if anybodyhas ever been to therapy,
(30:52):
you might have heard somethingalong the lines of distress
tolerance.
Right.
And building up that feeling.
You're exactly right.
Is that it is a skill.
And it takes so much workand it's a daily kind
of consciously choices.
And I mean, just tonormalize for anybody listening.
I'm a therapist, right?
I do I do these things.
(31:12):
I teach these thingsall day long.
Distress tolerance is somethingI still struggle on a daily
basis with.
So just to kind of put it out,right, right.
This is so not an isolatingthing.
You might you might feel weirdand alone in it because that's
what it is.
It's a weird feeling.
(31:32):
But everybody experiences it.
Yeah I think most everybodymaybe there's a few gems
out there but I meanif you haven't, I haven't
seen it in my, in my years.
There we go.
You if you I mean goodnesstell us your secret.
Yeah.
Let's capitalize on that. Right.
(31:54):
Yeah. Yeah.
So I'm, I'm so I wonder andif you wouldn't mind sharing
kind of have you.
I know you mentionedkind of your passion projects
and where you've reallybeen kind of leaning into
and it sounds like it'syou kind of finding your way
forward through that, throughthrough the feelings
(32:17):
of loneliness and isolationand burdening and kind of
trying to find you again.
Is that a fair statement?
Yes, 100%.
So to wrap up the cryingbaby isolating story because it
leads into the rest is I triedeverything under the sun,
snacks, whatever, becauseeventually you got around
(32:38):
nine months and that'sold enough to give a baby, like
teething crackers in thebackseat, right?
Yeah.
Just seat it from thebucket seat to the regulars.
Everything we tried.
I have it all documented.
If you are in thisto let me know what worked is he
got older.
He turned it was like about tenmonths old and he just decided,
you know what?
This is okay.
I'm okay with this.
(32:59):
And I don't know if it'sbecause he was old enough
to now, like, reallyunderstand that I was
still there.
We had printed outpictures of us as a family
and laminated them to puton the back of the ceiling
all kinds of things.
Okay. Yeah.
Like we tried everything.
We we bought a minivan.
I bought a new car to dothis with, so that we, I did, I
(33:21):
did, and, I bought new carseats, I bought, I spent I'm
telling you, I spentso much money on this.
I don't regret the minivan.
The minivan was agreat investment, but that was
the catalyst.
That was why we did this, sowe could move his seat, his car
seat next to his brother's,and maybe just being
close to him or I.
We just sat in the middle.
(33:42):
We only drove places as a familywhere one of us could sit
in the back seat in the middle.
That's kind of wherewe ended up.
And then eventually he snappedout of it and life was roses.
It was great.
Like we could do all the thingsagain.
So at this point he was aroundten months old.
A lot of my basic needswere being met for like
the first time, right?
(34:02):
I was able to shower, I was ableto eat, I was able
to take care of my survivalneeds on a very basic level.
And then I don't know if anybodylistening.
If you're familiar with Maslow'shierarchy of needs, right.
You go from the very basiclike survival food, shelter,
and then probably hygiene isn'tthere, I don't know.
(34:24):
And then you start tolike move up the ranks of,
okay, what is what is going tohelp me thrive as a human?
And for me, the next level wassocial connection, which was
not being met for a verylong time, even after those
basic needs are now beingmet again.
And then all of a suddenthey were I was able
to socialize, I was able todo those things.
(34:44):
So let's move up another levelof taking care of ourselves
as a human.
And the next part for mewas that self-actualization,
that who am I?
Where do I fit into all of this?
And as these needs aregetting met and my brain was
allowing me to go throughand figure out who I am,
(35:06):
all of a sudden it really hit melike a slap in the face of
I just am, here.
Like I am a part.
I'm like, am I even a person?
I would sit there and think,like who?
Not just who am I?
But am I a person with needsthat matter?
Because the person levelneeds certainly didn't feel like
(35:26):
they were getting fulfilled.
Like, you know, being a mom,eating dinner often means
you have somebody on your lapor you are eating off
of somebodys plate, or somebodyis like punching you.
I don't know, it's allkinds of things that's happening
while you're just doingsomething as basic as eating,
and then it doesn't go awayfor a very long time.
(35:47):
I'm sure it's time.
At least I hope not, becauseI'm still in it.
That makes it normal, right?
So these basic things, they'rebeing met.
I'm eating.
I'm getting my caloric intake,but not in, like, a dignified
way.
Yeah, right.
My dignity is, like, gone.
I don't have these pieces.
(36:08):
So I was I was met with, whereis my place in the world?
And facing the first of all,I don't have my career anymore.
I decided to leave that behindto be a stay at home mom.
And I love that.
And I wouldn't treat it like I'mrealizing that the bouncing
back, the who I was doesn'tfit anymore.
(36:29):
None of those things made sensefor me.
So where is that bouncing back?
Where is that becominga person again?
Where is my identity?
If those identities don't work,then what's left?
Where am I in?
You almost start to feel likea background character
in your life.
Yeah, just part of the storylineof everybody else.
(36:49):
You're here to lift upand support.
But what are you?
Does that make sense?
Absolutely.
And I think as as you'retalking about that,
anything just I've heardfrom, you know, similar
similar parents in in similarsituations where like you
said, it's.
(37:09):
It becomes a sadnessand a grieving because
like you said, there's who am I?
And like, if this is if this iswhat I'm I am and this is my
only identity.
And what happens when thechildren leave and the
children grow, then that becomesan even, you know, scary,
like, oh, I don't like that.
(37:30):
And so and then, you know,you get those folks that are,
are dealing with the empty nestand then all of a sudden going,
I have absolutely no ideawho I am.
Yeah.
Yes. 100%.
Yeah.
It's it's a project for surethat is going to, I know,
going to revisit itselfin so many different ways
as things don't feel likethey're good anymore.
(37:50):
They fit my life for whateverreason.
Maybe I don't enjoy themanymore. Maybe, that just
doesn't fit my lifestyleanymore.
The things that I'm nowfinding out went in and out of
things will work.
Things will not.
I have to let things go.
But then you're left with thisemptiness of what is there
instead.
And for me, one ofmy obstacles is I think, big.
(38:12):
I am a dreamer, I'm a planner.
I want to make things happen.
But when you're in that mindset,you you often get left
with waiting for the ideaand we're stuck rightly.
I want to do something,but what is it?
What is the thing?
What is it going to be?
(38:33):
And then you end up scrollingand you see what everybody
else is doing and you'relike, oh, I could try that.
But I don't know wherethat would fit in.
And what you're not seeingin the scrolling and
the watching is the yearsof trial and error and
building up the breadcrumbsthat led these people to where
they are and, and whatyou're seeing as whatever
(38:54):
measure of success that you'reseeing in them.
So I had to really stop myselfand to think small, like what?
What are the baby thingsthat I can do for me
while I wait for the big thingthat might or might not come,
(39:14):
you know, or might lead to thatbig idea, that big thing.
What is what are thosebreadcrumbs going to be?
And for me, the first thingthat really stuck out to me was,
I don't know if you followDoctor Morgan Lip, she at
the time was doinga launch group for her book
that she was coming out with.
It's called it's rightover here.
Love your kids without losingyourself.
(39:36):
And that title smacked me rightbetween the eyes.
Like this.
This is what I want.
This is.
Yeah.
So I was like, this is.
This is an idea.
This is a hobby.
This is something,so I, I bought I joined the
launch group where we gotadvance copies to read
and really talk about themwith each other.
(39:57):
And then she did this pre-sale,promotion where if you buy
ten copies of the book for abook group or whatever,
she would do an hour for Q&Awith the book group.
And I was like, okay,I can start a group.
So I went on Redditand I started a book group,
for moms, where we readthis book, Everybody Buy
(40:19):
or at least ten people boughtthe book.
And, I had a group and Ifound these things.
And then and from there,everything's kind of
built its way.
I but I really needed that onelittle thing of reading
with a purpose, readingsomething that lit me up,
that didn't feel like a chore,that was exciting to lead me
(40:41):
to these other things that I'mnow really excited about
and doing, and figuring outwho I am and trying on new hats.
Like, do I lead abook group now?
No, I don't.
Do I even read?
No, not really, because I'mlistening to a lot of
podcasts, but at the time, thatidentity fit and it felt
really good.
Yeah.
(41:01):
Would you say that for youis maybe your moment,
or was there something elsethat for you kind of
like you said, maybe some ofthese things started to click.
Yeah.
I don't think I've had anmoment really.
I mean I've had a couplelittle ones truly.
But I really thinkit's just been a series
of breadcrumbs, like onelittle thing that I did like, I,
(41:24):
I started, I joined the laundry,I'm going to read it.
And that led to, oh, I'mgoing to start a book group.
Okay, I'll do that.
Which led to, you know,what I can lean into more to my
Instagram page because I starteda public Instagram page
to kind of make connectionsand, oh, I can start doing
activities and documentingthe activities that I do
with my kids.
I don't meet a lot of needsbecause I started with an
(41:44):
activity page and oh,I should make some connections,
and I started making friendsand oh, I can do this.
And somebody said to me,oh, I love your voiceovers.
You should do you should dovoice acting or something.
And I was like, oh,a podcast might be interesting.
So it's really just like, like,like a little game with a mouse.
Like, like it's not the nextlittle thing and sure feels big.
(42:08):
Like at this point, you know,starting a podcast
is a big idea, but it neverfelt big because all of it
was like, like just tinylittle steps to get there.
Yeah.
And now I feel I don'tnecessarily feel like I, I'm not
complete.
I don't I'm not like,this is who I am, I am fixed, I
am done.
(42:28):
By this project of findingout who my identity is, is it's
just so exciting.
It's it like.
And I think that's the goalis reconnecting with your joy
and reconnecting with yourselfas a person and seeing where you
can fit in and finding thingsthat light you up,
that allow you to usethe pockets of time in your day
(42:49):
in an exciting way.
Like you have these ideas,like when you have that
five minutes alone time,you know what you're going
to do with it.
Instead of doomscrollingbecause you don't know
what to do with five minutes,doesn't feel like enough
to actually do anything.
Yeah.
Do you have any kind of thoughtsor insights as far as
like you said, maybe you havethe five minutes that your brain
(43:11):
is going.
I'm still super exhaustedand you know, I don't know
if I could take on one.
You know, another thing,even if it's a breadcrumb of
a thing, I would saystart by making a list,
like, truly a list of thingsthat you want to do
when you're not in that space.
(43:32):
Maybe it's when you'refeeling bad about yourself, or
you allow yourself to feel badand say like, damn, I wish I had
time to do this.
I wish I had time to exercise,whatever.
The thing is, I wish Ihad time to watch this
specific show and put it downon the list.
And then when you get thatfive minutes, you have
a resource to accessthat you can like uses a menu
(43:54):
like these are some thingsthat I can do, like a
five minute.
If your goal is to exercisea five minute exercise,
a five minute workout isa workout.
It's better than zerominutes of it.
Yeah, a walk around theneighborhood or honestly, a
cup of coffee.
I am.
One thing I found workingwith moms is they feel
really down on themselves.
Like having a cup of coffeeis such a lame excuse
(44:16):
for a lame, lame self-carelike this is a horrible
self-care.
Like, what is my life?
That having a cup of coffeeis my self-care, but that cup
of coffee can allow youto really reconnect
with yourself and dream and planor check in with your body.
Like, what do you need?
Where do your what are yourgoals?
Where can you go through thatcup of coffee?
(44:37):
So just use it with intention.
So maybe you start, you have acup of coffee with your fire.
Yes.
And I think what you mentionedthere, just even that reframe
because there is so much outthere of what self-care
is supposed to look like, shouldlook like.
And there we go.
We go into somebody else's box,kind of defining what
(45:01):
that means.
And sometimes having thatreframe of what is it
that I need in this particularmoment that I have access to,
that I have the capacity to do?
And, you know, is that a waythat we should just offer
ourselves just that little bitof compassion?
It sounds like, in a little bitof grace, even to kind of say,
(45:23):
hey, if I deserve to kind ofsit here with my cup of coffee
and take a nice big, you know,with me and really just
sit in the, and luxuryof it and, and slow down, even
if it is for, like you said,just those five minutes.
The kids.
(45:43):
Okay, maybe they'rethey're crying a couple more,
you know, a coupleminutes of them crying.
It's it'll be okay.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Definitely.
Like we need to life isdifferent now.
And it is.
It's not going to be likewhat it was.
We're not going to bethose people we are.
And but we're becomingnew people.
Like we're not gone just becausethat person isn't who you
(46:07):
are anymore.
Just like when you werea teenager and you became
an adult, that you weren'tthe same person anymore,
but that.
But you aren't gone.
You just need to figure outwhat's going to bring you
the joy and then seek the joy.
So I, I have a freebie onmy website.
It's a Daily Dose of Joychallenge, where it's a bingo
board of just little tinythings that you can do
(46:29):
when you're feelingoverstimulated, overwhelmed,
whatever you're feeling, you'rejust feeling down on yourself
that you can force yourselfto do.
Like pick up any of the thingsand use a silly accent
to say things in a silly way.
Name give an inanimate objecta name and start talking to it
like pretending, being pretend,tapping, just tapping
(46:50):
into really basic joycan help you remember what
it was like to laugh againand remember all of these things
and just.
And then it'll grow.
It will start to blossom.
It's like a muscle that youhaven't used in a long time
that you can really tap into.
Yeah.
That so as we kind of cometo a close, one of the questions
(47:10):
I love to ask my guest is thatif you did have access to
a Delorean, is thereanything that you would go back
at whatever point in timeand offer to yourself,
oh, gosh, wow, that's a biggie,because one of the things
that I had to really cometo terms with is how much
(47:32):
control I've had to give up,right?
So in some ways, my brainfirst went to like, oh,
what would I tell myselfto change or do differently?
But so much of it I couldn'tdo any differently, right?
Like I couldn't I couldn'tcontrol the circumstances.
So maybe that's what I wouldtell myself.
But like, I've never believed,you know.
(47:55):
Yeah, you can't tell yourself.
So it's all about accessingwhat you can control what's in
your control.
So I guess I would tell myselfto stop following the big ideas
or stop, stop now.
Stop searching for the big ideasand find that joy.
Find those pieces.
Because it was way too longinto my journey.
(48:18):
Yeah, even though it's onlybeen 3 or 4 years before
I remembered I can be funny,I can laugh, and that's okay.
Like, I think my kid was threewhen I really got together
with friends and laughedand felt it like a big belly
chest laugh.
Yeah, so so just giving.
(48:38):
Telling myself to findthe opportunities to laugh again
and find the joy would be great.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
Like you said, kind offinding the joy and maybe
even giving our self permissionmaybe to kind of go towards
the joy and that it's okayto kind of choose us.
Also, it doesn't have tomaybe be either or can it be
(49:01):
and, and yeah, I lovethat reminder.
All right.
So for anybody who wantsto connect with you, who wants
to and, you know, engage orbenefit from all these wonderful
resources that you have,how can they best find you?
Yeah.
So I am on, all of the platformsunder a mom identity project
(49:22):
where I'm posting every day,either clips of my podcast
or just tips to helpnormalize this, but that are
actionable and realisticthat you can use.
One of the ways that I'mlooking forward to supporting
more moms is I'm I'vealways felt through this
journey, I wish I had somebodyto talk to about all these
ideas, like when you don't knowwhere to start and you're stuck.
(49:43):
I wish I knew where to go.
So I'm very I lovesupporting moms in that way.
I've worked with some moms ofhelping them, like, okay,
I really like doingactivities for, kids activities,
but I don't know what I canactually do with that.
So I helped her figure outhow she can go into calf
play cafes and offerlike activities through that.
So I love helping moms findwhat their bread crumbs are
(50:06):
and like them.
Yeah.
So if you're listening to thisand feeling like I'm
totally lost, I'm like,I'm waiting for the big idea.
Like, let's work together.
Let's try to let's try to findthe thing that's going to
work in your life while lettingyou up and not feeling
like a chore.
And then my podcastis coming out, February 27th,
where you're going to be in thatinitial launch, group
of episodes.
(50:27):
Very exciting.
It's called Moms Guide toFinding Herself.
You can find that all onmy website, mom Identity
project.com.
Awesome.
And as usual, all those linkswill be down below
as well as this recipe.
Here's my little sign.
Yeah, I love and excited toto pop it in and have that
(50:48):
for our meal today.
So thank you so much for beingwilling to share this recipe,
share your story, and andreally help in this journey
of helping other parents feel alittle bit less alone in this.
So I really do appreciate youbeing willing to kind of
come on and chat with us.
So thank you so much.
And thank you everybody fortuning in.
(51:09):
We will see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joiningus on today's episode of The
Real Family Eat.
(51:31):
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
(51:53):
the real family eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eat.
I would sit there and think,like who?
Not just who am I?
But am I a person with needsthat matter?
Because the person levelneeds certainly didn't feel like
they were getting fulfilled.
(00:20):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa, and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
Real Family Eats, wherewe've got food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! Welcome backeveryone.
(00:50):
Thanks so much for joining us.
I am excited to have you here.
And I'm excited for our guestwho is joining us today.
We have Krissy.
Hi.
Thanks so much for beingwilling to be a guest today.
Hi Reesa, thank you so muchfor having me.
We met before when we talkedon my podcast and
I am so excited to talkto you again because you are
such a joy.
You are wonderful to work with.
(01:12):
thank you and so are you.
So that's why I had to have youon on my podcast, you know,
because it's just I think, youknow, we got we got a good vibe.
Good thing going here.
So I'm so excited.
So for anybody who doesn'tknow you, can you introduce
yourself for us?
Definitely.
Yeah.
So I am a stay at homemom to two young boys.
Right now, they're just twoand three and a half.
(01:33):
Almost four.
That's coming faster thanyou believe, which is, you know,
everyone believes it, and,they are just totally wild.
And I get no sleep, and,you know, it's just chaos.
And we have so muchfun together.
In my pockets of time, I run myInstagram account, which is Mom
Identity Project, whereI'm really leaning into
helping moms figure out whothey are after becoming a mom
(01:53):
and being okay with recognizingthat you are a different person
and that you aren'tweird for this.
And my podcast is coming outFebruary 27th called Moms Guide
to Finding Herself, where I canreally get into a lot
of that details and sharestories like yours
of who you are after becominga mom, what led you there?
Yeah, and make sure to checkthat out.
(02:14):
And that just so you can see mymy lovely face to.
But there's a lot of awesomecontent in there.
So I'm so excited for youand your, your relaunching
of that.
All right.
So let's jump in before weget to your story.
You're sharing a recipe with us.
So tell us what recipeyou're sharing and why did you
choose this one? Yes.
So I am a or I was, beforebecoming a mom, a very
(02:39):
independent woman.
I had my my condo.
I lived alone for many yearsand it was just me.
And, I don't knowif you remember the trend
that happened, like a coupleof years ago.
Girl, dinner.
My wife was girl dinner.
It would be like rice with blackbeans or, you know,
just something the rawingredients that just
came together to becomesomething bland but nutritious
(03:03):
enough.
So this meal, thischicken pot pie meal was one
of the first thingsthat I started to become
a little more tiptoeing out of,like, okay, I can actually
cook something for myself,but still super easy, super
accessible for anyonewho is still in the girl
dinner phase.
With your family.
There's absolutely nothing wrongwith that.
I'm a huge fan of itstill. Yeah.
(03:25):
So a lot of frozen vegetables,a lot of pre prepped,
ingredients that we canthrow together and make
something yummy and still feellike you did a lot of work.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I love that because you hada little hat tip on kind of
your chicken and being ableto kind of, as you mentioned,
have things that weremaybe already pre prepped
and you could just throwtogether a little bit quicker.
(03:48):
So can you tell us kind ofthe steps for those tips for us?
I'll get things goingwhile we try.
Yes, absolutely.
So the rotisserie chicken wasI think is that where you went
with the rotisserie.
Yeah.
Okay. Great.
So getting a rotisseriechicken is already cooked.
Those are the juiciest chickens.
I don't know how they do itbecause I any time
(04:10):
I cook chicken I feel likeit's just constantly tough.
I it's probably a lackof practice, but they have it
made for like $6.
I don't know, it's like nothinglike this whole chicken.
That's so juicy and delicious.
So you just start ripping apartor taking that breast meat
or whatever, the whole thing,rip it apart, shred it up.
You can even take a hugechunk of meat off and throw it
(04:32):
in your, KitchenAid mixerand put it on really quick
and it shreds it for you.
So, okay.
All done.
Ready to go.
You can just turn it up and,I don't know, stick it in a bowl
and then you take your,your pans of creamed chicken
right here.
Cream of chicken.
And, and you dumpthat in the pot and you can dump
(04:52):
the frozen vegetables asis in the pot because
guess what?
They're going to cookas they melt.
So you don't haveto do anything.
Roll.
And then I don't remember.
Do I haven't done thisin a long time.
I should have done thisbeforehand.
My husband is the cook now, sohe has adopted this recipe
for me, where I think we put itin the pot and kind of mix it up
and get it all juicy and nice,and then, we roll out the dough,
(05:17):
okay?
Just the prepackaged pie crust.
We are not making a piecrust here.
I, I feel like even the bestbakers often use premade
pie crust, but hot tip don't usethe Aldi pie crust there too.
Okay I think oh, interesting.
Yes.
So okay, I'm a big fan of Aldi.
I'm a big fan of saving money,but there are some things
(05:39):
like just go with the Pillsbury.
And so roll that out.
Put your mixture on if you havea lot of extra.
And sometimes I double it upso we can freeze a whole bag of
that mixture and we candefrost it.
Leader.
And then you've got another,chicken pot pie ready to go.
Put the crust on top,throw it in the oven.
Voila.
You have nice.
(06:01):
Oh, and potatoes cut potatoes.
Right. Okay.
I don't know if you.
So I told you I did notdo potatoes time on this one.
And that was morejust last night I said
I I'm a mom right now and thingsare wild.
And I didn't have time to peeland keep a potato.
I get it, I get it.
Potatoes are a priorityin my life of all times, but
(06:22):
everybody has a differentpriority.
I wish you potato for everysingle meal of the day.
So that is me.
There is a video of meon my honeymoon eating several
potatoes because it was so I.
Yeah, you know, it's theIrish in me.
I think that it just comes out.
It's like a deep rooted lovethat's there.
(06:42):
My genetics.
Yeah.
Well, I can appreciate that.
You know, I think I'm similar,but my name is race.
I'm, I'm Filipino.
And so I mean, my, my husband'salso Irish.
So when we do kind of SaintPatrick's Day with your,
you know, corned beef andthe potatoes I have to have
on the side of my, you know,it's just starch.
(07:03):
Choose your starch of choice.
Right?
Absolutely, I love it.
Okay.
Well, I can actually do that.
As you mentioned, steps arefairly straightforward.
So I'll get going mixing this upand getting my pot pie
all together, while we chat.
And I'm so thankful for youbeing willing to kind of come in
(07:23):
and share a little bit of aboutyour story and just, you know,
some of the journeys that you'venavigated, within your
parenthood life because I thinkit's so important to be able
to just get the awarenessout there, taking down
that hurt and, and really kindof letting others know
that the thing is really hard.
(07:45):
So could you share with usa little bit about some of
some of the harm that youhave had to kind of navigate
on your journey.
Definitely.
Now I think one ofthe big things is my Instagram,
my business, my podcastisn't about finding yourself
an identity by accident.
Right.
This is something that that hasbeen a theme throughout
(08:06):
my motherhood journey, whereI, like a lot of people, had a
really clear pictureof who I was going to be
as a mom.
Before I had kids, I hadthis fantasy.
This image was even a fantasy.
It was just like my plan,like this was my goal of
I was going to be going to everylibrary playdate or every,
you know, library storytime,every mom group could ever
(08:28):
come in under the sun.
I had been saving prenatal yogaclasses in the area for years,
and at that point, once I was,I decided that I was going
to become a mom.
Like I had a spreadsheetgoing of all of these things,
all of these communities,all of these things
that I could be a part ofbecause I was so genuinely
excited to become a part of thiscommunity, to be a mom and to
(08:49):
and to, do that.
So I had these things,and then I had my baby in 2021,
and those things didn'texist anymore.
They were not, groups.
They just weren't happening.
I was a part of my own groups,virtually, but it's just
not quite the same.
You know, I did make a friendthrough it, which I'm very lucky
(09:11):
that I was able to makea connection because it's it's
tough.
It's hard to actually,first of all, being on a
zoom call with a new babyor when you're pregnant, you're
you just can't thinkabout the other people
in the room becauseyou're focused on that.
So it's kind of like, okay,I'll listen long enough to know
when it's my turnon the hot seat to ask
my lactation questionor whatever, my diaper question.
(09:33):
And then you kind of just haveto put yourself on mute and
do your thing because you'reat home like a different way.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I thinkbringing a baby to different
space puts you in just adifferent mindset in the baby.
Everything else.
So it was first.
The first part of my transitionwas tough because these things
that I visioned myselfbeing a part of just didn't
(09:54):
exist.
I did zoom story times because Ifelt like I just wanted
to try to be a partof that still.
And then when the summer cameand things started opening
back up again, I was able togo out to those and we were
part of outdoor storytimes,which were lovely and wonderful
and great.
And that's really when I startedto feel like I was waiting
up again.
I was going on hikes with mymy baby.
(10:16):
I would put them in the carrier,we would walk to the waterfall
and we would have a great time.
And then I got pregnant againvery quickly.
I got pregnant and he was,what, like ten?
It was less than a year old. So.
Okay, that's and very quickly,you're not going for
hikes anymore because thatexhaustion.
(10:38):
Yeah I think we've that's one ofthe things that we
forget so fast I can rememberbeing tired but holy cow
the exhaustion is unreal.
You physically can't stay awakesometimes.
Well and not only that.
Yeah, you're combining itwith having to keep up with
another child.
(10:58):
And I think that that wasat least my experience where
I found myself each time,kind of a new level of tired
that I had never experiencedbefore.
You know, I remember being incollege and going, you know,
I was a theater major.
So we were up at all hoursand seeing like, oh my gosh,
I'm so excited because Ihad to get up for my A.T.M.
(11:18):
class the next morning and thenand then I went to
graduate school and I was like,oh man, this is a new level
of of tire because this isthis is a lot of work.
And then like you said, then youget pregnant and you add
that and it's like, no, man,I have never known exhaustion.
This is exhaustion.
And then I had my second kid,like you're saying.
And now I'm trying to keep upwith this toddler while
(11:40):
also having that same, you know,level of exhaustion.
But I didn't have the abilityto just go rest when I wanted
to rest, because that's usuallywhen my child was up
and running.
So I that makes so much sense.
I relate to all of that.
Right.
So there was no more libraryplaydates because I for a while
(12:01):
there was, I did I still wentfor a long time.
But then eventually,you know, my my toddler
was toddling and nowrunning around like we would be
outside and he would gently dartstraight to the parking lot
or do all the thingsto run around.
And now I've got thisbig old belly that I'm trying
to chase.
And with that, you just getto a point where, for me,
(12:22):
I was like, this is notthe benefit, it is not existing.
I would rather be at homechasing him.
There where I can restwhen I need to still be active,
talk to the neighborsand whatnot, and have
people over.
But going out and beinga part of a community, I am.
I'm not getting the benefitfrom this.
So we we stopped doing that.
(12:43):
And but it made senseat that point.
You know, it was something I wasleaning into and deciding very
intentionally like, this is notgood for me.
Let's just, let's lean into therelaxation because
there's benefit in there.
I'm fine.
And then the baby comes, and nowyou're still getting used
to a way of life.
But soon.
(13:05):
Right?
You start to feel likeyou want to get out again.
Yeah.
And that's where my secondlevel of frustration came in.
My like, okay, slap in the facewith reality.
So, you know, you get past thatinitial postpartum where you're
recovered enough to get outand go places, see people
do things, whatever it is.
(13:27):
You might be exhausted still,but you're ready to integrate
into society.
Covid was no longer an immediatepressing issue.
There were mom groups,storytimes everywhere.
All the things except my babydecided that he was not going to
allow for this.
He would scream in the carlike he was dying for the length
(13:51):
of our trip, the durationfrom the minute he got into
the car seat to where we got,no matter how long it was.
My sister lives an hour awayand a trip to Hershey.
You know you would.
You can take yourselfup, you can see the baby's
gonna cry, but he's gonnafall asleep and you'll cry
himself out.
I know he's safe.
I know he's fine.
It doesn't feel good.
It makes you feel stressed.
And all these things.
But you know that they'llpass out.
(14:12):
You know that they're justgoing to get through it.
But that wouldn't happen.
It would be the entire hour.
Just blood curdling. Wow.
I'm telling you, it waspainful on so many levels.
Now.
My first baby crying inthe car, too.
Sure.
I mean, I feel like that'sso common.
(14:32):
A lot of babies just it's it'sweird and strange, but he got
used to it over time.
Or I found different thingsthat could help soothe him
or distract him. But nothingwas working.
The the sound machines,the cuddles, the baby's
pacifier.
Any suggestion you could give meI had tried, I would do
(14:54):
two minute drives around the.
I live in a cul de sac, so liketwo minute drives around
the neighborhood just to try tonormalize it.
Right.
Put them in and yeah,and like let's just do that.
And now we're home.
Seen it was great.
We had so much fun.
Nothing worked I had Ithe things that I bought,
the money that I spent to tryto get out of the house, I,
(15:15):
I even buy, you knowhow babies love the real thing.
They make toys that are like,replicas of things,
but they want the remote,the access.
They can tell when it's real.
I just went out and boughtthe exact same remote
we had at home when shewanted her.
Yeah, it just nothing works.
(15:37):
So I was essentiallystuck in it.
It was a choice of do I?
If I go somewhere, I'mgoing to be with the
screaming baby.
And it gave me, it gave methe jitters.
I couldn't even get my agent.
I don't want to dothat to myself.
It was terrible.
But the cost at that point,you know, before when I
decided that I wasn't goingto go out to do things anymore,
(15:59):
it was because I was tired.
And then the benefit wasI was resting and connecting
with my toddler in ain a nice way.
But now the only benefit wasto avoid pain, to not leave.
Wow.
You know, I mean, gosh,that sounds just so
incredibly one a difficultspot to be in.
(16:19):
It's either choose what soundslike a really lonely
space to be in or asyou mentioned, kind of curdling
screams.
And, and you know, I don't knowabout your kid, but I remember,
like, hair standing up, likeit would just like be in my body
when I would hear mybaby scream.
So I could only imagine, like,if that's happening, even,
(16:40):
like you said, for like anhour drive just to go
visit family and try to connectin that way.
Like, it's like those arereally hard, you know, fork in
the road if you will.
Right.
Why do I choose isolation or oror unsafe driving.
Truly it's not safe anymoreat that point for me to be in
the car and listen, I had toeven a ten minute drive
(17:03):
at that point I was ableto do it for a long time,
but then it just got to me likeI never got used to it.
I would I would knowthat we were going for
ten minutes and I wouldgive myself pep talks and get
in the car and just do it.
But still, that pitin my stomach the whole time.
Now, my baby was bornin November.
(17:23):
So, you know, probably likeDecember ish, when we started to
get out and do thingsand I started to discover
this, right?
And like about a month,maybe January, but still.
And I live in New Englandwhere it cold for a very
long time and very snowy.
So we weren't going places,but people weren't coming
(17:45):
to us either.
So that was really hard.
You know, it's a long winterwith a lot of sicknesses.
So it's not because I didn'tnecessarily have people who were
willing to.
It's just there's a lotof obstacles, you know,
if there's snow and with parentswho aren't necessarily
comfortable driving in the snowor in cold or extreme cold
conditions, or my sister hastwo kids too, but they were sick
(18:10):
all the time.
You know that.
And never ending winter illnessthat a lot of us experience
with it.
It was then another layerof isolation.
I remember I had a friendwho I haven't seen in years,
like I haven't seen this guyin like 15 years.
And he randomly reached outto me.
We had a mutual connectionwho had passed away.
(18:31):
So I, you know, that makes youkind of just reach out to other
people.
You but even if they're onthe fringes of your life, like,
hey, you just want tocheck in and talk to you and
I've been through enough therapyto know that I need to say
when I'm struggling and askfor help.
So I was like, oh, somebody isreaching out to me.
This is my chance.
I'm gonna use my skillsthat I've worked on to admit
(18:54):
that I am in a tough spot.
And he was saying, we live onthe lake now.
Come visit, bring the boys.
We're going to go for a swim.
It's going to be so much fun.
And I was very prepared.
Yes, that sounds great.
I would love to do that.
However, I am in a verydifficult spot in my parenting
right now where I amunable to leave because my child
(19:15):
like it's unreal.
You wouldn't believe it.
It's next level.
Yeah, we would love to have youplease come visit.
I'm very lonely.
I would love to see you.
Oh, you know, I never reallyget out that way, but it was
great to let me know when you'regoing to come by. Oh.
Oh.
Oh, so it's just hardwhen you're in it and you're
(19:36):
reaching out and tryingthe things.
But your bids aren'tbeing accepted.
Yeah.
What do you do?
I'm so curious.
Like in those moments, kind ofwe'll say more about, like,
the headspace that you were in.
I mean, I'm just I'mhearing you and and like
you said, you're tryingto reach out.
(19:57):
You're trying to still makethese connections in
in the capacity that you have.
And then to kind of just stillso isolated and no one kind of
reaching back, if you will,or picking up those bits
for connection.
Can you say more?
Yeah, sure.
So I got into a weekwhere I felt just bad
(20:19):
for myself.
You know, I was sad that thesethings weren't happening, that
I was in the space, but I wasalso feeling just really,
really bad.
Like, what's wrong with me?
Why am I not gettingwhat I need?
What could I be doingdifferently?
How do I need to act different?
And that's a really tricky placeto be in, because now
(20:44):
you're not just feeling lonelyand isolated.
Your self-worth is also goingthrough the basement rates.
It's plummeting because nowyou're trying to dissect
what's wrong.
Why am I this person that isn'tgoing that isn't worthy of this
support?
And that's a slippery right?
Once you start going downthat road of allowing your brain
(21:08):
to really pick apart, you likewe are own worst critics.
We know everything that's wrongwith us.
We know all of our faults.
So if you ask me, why me?
Like my brain is goingto come up with so many reasons
why I am not worthy of thesethings, especially when I'm
not in a place where I'm feelinggreat about myself or
my situation.
(21:30):
So that's that's dangerous.
So I quickly tried to.
I reached back out tomy therapist.
I had gone to therapy when,I was pregnant with my first
because I really wanted to havea connection with somebody.
I know how hard it is,first of all, to find somebody
with availability, andget an appointment and then
(21:51):
second to find somebodyyou vibe with and feel
comfortable with,and then third, to actually
reach out when you'restruggling.
So I had luckily, this visionin my brain when I was
pregnant of this is somethingthat I should do to help
prepare myself for motherhood.
So that way, if I do end upin a spot where I feel like
(22:12):
I need extra support,I'm not facing those barriers
while I'm also struggling.
I have a direct road to somebodyor a phone call that I can
make, rather than the 15phone calls you might
have to make to try to findsomebody who's willing to
see you.
So luckily I had that that lineand we were able to
start talking and I was ableto leave the house to go to her
(22:34):
because we were no longerin telehealth.
So it was wonderful to have anhour out of the house
to just talk to somebodywho, you know, even if she
that was her her job is her jobto talk to me for that hour.
But it felt great to havesomebody who's just had
the space and the opportunityto really like, talk to me.
(22:54):
Oh, my three year old is here.
I forgot to lock the door.
Hey, buddy.
I'll be out in a minute.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
This is normally right at homefrom Costco.
I guess, but.
Okay, so.
So having that lifeline,having somebody to talk to,
(23:17):
to have that space help me toget out of that cycle, just
feeling bad for myselfand instead thinking, well,
what can I do?
What's in my control?
Where, where can I go with thisto help me get what I need?
Which was a blessing.
It was just this exactlywhat I needed to do.
Yeah, I'm I'm curious for youand your experience to hear you
(23:39):
mentioning that, youknow, you did you did reach out.
You kind of establish thatthat support, if you will,
early on.
Was that a decision that kind ofcame easily so many times a
hear folks, especially parents,where it's this idea that, hey,
(23:59):
if I do that, whether it'sI'm weak, it means I'm
less than, or, you know, asyou were mentioning,
we get really good atrationalizing why it's somehow
a feeling on us.
And even just like you said,going out of the house
for an hour, I've had somany parents who go, oh, but
(24:20):
that's so selfish.
Like, I'm going to leavemy child.
And what kind of parent doesthat make me like?
Was that something that wasat play?
Like, did it take workto kind of get to that point?
Can you say more? Sure.
So I'm talking about gettingto therapy now for setting up.
The therapy was an issue for meinitially because I feel
(24:41):
like you're if you area planner, you're brain,
you're planning your typea brain on in pregnancy mode
is like in overdrive.
Like, let's nest this wholething.
Let's figure it all out.
So setting up the therapistand doing that preliminary
work for me was like, I amproductive.
I, I am doing, I am meetingmy needs, I am doing my future
(25:05):
self a favor.
So it was just kind of part ofit was as for me, as feeling
as productive as buyingthe dresser, I think it
just felt like great.
Like we are making this baby.
And so that was great.
Thank.
Calling her when I actuallyneeded it.
Now that's a different story,you know, admitting
(25:27):
like, where we, on inthis mental health journey
of like, now I'm reallystruggling and I see myself
going in this spiral.
I should reach out to her.
It was tough to make thatphone call because first of all,
I had had this history.
Now where I've reached outto people for support
and I've been hearing no's or Ican't because it was all
(25:52):
valid reasons.
So now you're thinking,okay, I'm going to reach out
to her.
Does she have availability?
Is she even open to having mea client anymore?
She can have any appointments.
Like how is this even goingto work?
Can my husband take the timeoff of work to support this?
Now I'm a burden on him.
Wow.
Yeah, some for meleaving my kids for an hour
(26:12):
at that point.
I mean, I was it's going tosound terrible, but I was
so sick of them because we hadnothing else than being together
for so long that I was like,by seeing an our you'll
be great.
But being a burdenon my husband's work schedule,
that was the hard partfor me. Wow.
And was that something that youwere able to kind of articulate
(26:35):
in the moment and, and be ableto kind of have support
to fact check whether or not,you know, you were in
deep learning or was thatjust your brain, again, getting
really good at finding the faultin itself?
It's something I stillstruggle with any time my needs
(26:55):
disrupt his work schedule.
As a stay at home mom,I feel very, very burdened
burdening his word.
I feel like I'm I'm a burdenanytime I need to do that.
Because my job I takeI've always taken my job
very seriously and reallystrong work ethic.
And right now my job is raisingthe children and that childcare
(27:18):
is under my domain.
So when I need somebodyto come in and take that
over, it's like I'm not doingmy job, I'm not meeting
the needs.
So that is something thatI still struggle with.
Like make any timeI need to make an appointment.
I'm like, I'm so sorry I have todo this.
I go to the doctor, I feel likeI need to go to urgent care.
Like whatever the thing is thatrequires him to take time off.
(27:39):
I'm like, okay,I have no problem with using
the time that he is not working.
You know, I do my podcastat night.
I do my business at night,and then through the pockets
of the day.
So when he's done with work,I'm like, okay, have fun with
the kids.
But when he is working,even I think that's
(28:01):
something I'm probably alwaysgoing to have to just do, do
the thing, you know,where you have to just do it
and feel it in the pit,in your stomach and you know
it's going to go awayand it's going to be fine.
But I feel like I'm always goingto be having to just push myself
into it.
Yeah.
Is there anything thatyou have found that has
been helpful for youto kind of move through it
(28:22):
and not maybe get stuck in it?
Yeah.
What my, you know, people doword of the year where like,
my word of the year is thisI'm going to really
embrace them.
My word of the yearis just cringe like embrace
the cringe.
Like it might feeluncomfortable.
Your very vulnerable.
It feels like you don'twant to be doing this because
(28:46):
you know how weird it is.
Just do it.
Like just hit send and gothrow up and come back and like,
it'll be fun to get you into it.
So that's just embracingthat helps.
It doesn't necessarily make iteasier for sure.
You mean in the first anytimeyou're doing something
(29:08):
that you're uncomfortable with,it takes a lot in you
just to like, close your eyes,hit send.
Okay, I did it.
I can't take it back, you know?
Yeah.
And then you get over it.
And I think it's a musclethat will probably get easier
over time as you exercisethat that routine and that
practice and feeling like therearen't consequences.
(29:28):
Like he's not mad at me.
I think these are things.
And I'm still early in myparenting, you know, three and a
half years, four years of beingdependent on somebody
in that way.
Yeah, not much time of practice.
Even though it feels likea lifetime.
It's really it's really notthat much practice that
I've had so far.
(29:49):
So I know that as they getolder, it's going to get easier.
Yeah.
And when I really appreciateabout you saying that is I think
sometimes we see thatand we're like, oh, it's been
like three years.
Why is this not likecompletely oh, you know, present
sunshine roses already.
And I think sometimeswe forget that.
(30:10):
Especially if this isa narrative, right,
that we've been havingto navigate and work through for
most of our life in comparison,you know, the couple of
years versus however oldyou are, you know, that that's a
significant imbalance as faras credit giving yourself
that like, hey, I've been tryingand I've been trying for
(30:31):
these three, four years,five for however many
like, and I'm still tryingand I'm still working at it.
I could have given up, right?
I could have said, oh,this isn't working.
Bye. I'm done.
But it sounds like kind offor you.
What you have found is,is finding a way to tolerate
the distress, which if anybodyhas ever been to therapy,
(30:52):
you might have heard somethingalong the lines of distress
tolerance.
Right.
And building up that feeling.
You're exactly right.
Is that it is a skill.
And it takes so much workand it's a daily kind
of consciously choices.
And I mean, just tonormalize for anybody listening.
I'm a therapist, right?
I do I do these things.
(31:12):
I teach these thingsall day long.
Distress tolerance is somethingI still struggle on a daily
basis with.
So just to kind of put it out,right, right.
This is so not an isolatingthing.
You might you might feel weirdand alone in it because that's
what it is.
It's a weird feeling.
(31:32):
But everybody experiences it.
Yeah I think most everybodymaybe there's a few gems
out there but I meanif you haven't, I haven't
seen it in my, in my years.
There we go.
You if you I mean goodnesstell us your secret.
Yeah.
Let's capitalize on that. Right.
(31:54):
Yeah. Yeah.
So I'm, I'm so I wonder andif you wouldn't mind sharing
kind of have you.
I know you mentionedkind of your passion projects
and where you've reallybeen kind of leaning into
and it sounds like it'syou kind of finding your way
forward through that, throughthrough the feelings
(32:17):
of loneliness and isolationand burdening and kind of
trying to find you again.
Is that a fair statement?
Yes, 100%.
So to wrap up the cryingbaby isolating story because it
leads into the rest is I triedeverything under the sun,
snacks, whatever, becauseeventually you got around
(32:38):
nine months and that'sold enough to give a baby, like
teething crackers in thebackseat, right?
Yeah.
Just seat it from thebucket seat to the regulars.
Everything we tried.
I have it all documented.
If you are in thisto let me know what worked is he
got older.
He turned it was like about tenmonths old and he just decided,
you know what?
This is okay.
I'm okay with this.
(32:59):
And I don't know if it'sbecause he was old enough
to now, like, reallyunderstand that I was
still there.
We had printed outpictures of us as a family
and laminated them to puton the back of the ceiling
all kinds of things.
Okay. Yeah.
Like we tried everything.
We we bought a minivan.
I bought a new car to dothis with, so that we, I did, I
(33:21):
did, and, I bought new carseats, I bought, I spent I'm
telling you, I spentso much money on this.
I don't regret the minivan.
The minivan was agreat investment, but that was
the catalyst.
That was why we did this, sowe could move his seat, his car
seat next to his brother's,and maybe just being
close to him or I.
We just sat in the middle.
(33:42):
We only drove places as a familywhere one of us could sit
in the back seat in the middle.
That's kind of wherewe ended up.
And then eventually he snappedout of it and life was roses.
It was great.
Like we could do all the thingsagain.
So at this point he was aroundten months old.
A lot of my basic needswere being met for like
the first time, right?
(34:02):
I was able to shower, I was ableto eat, I was able
to take care of my survivalneeds on a very basic level.
And then I don't know if anybodylistening.
If you're familiar with Maslow'shierarchy of needs, right.
You go from the very basiclike survival food, shelter,
and then probably hygiene isn'tthere, I don't know.
(34:24):
And then you start tolike move up the ranks of,
okay, what is what is going tohelp me thrive as a human?
And for me, the next level wassocial connection, which was
not being met for a verylong time, even after those
basic needs are now beingmet again.
And then all of a suddenthey were I was able
to socialize, I was able todo those things.
(34:44):
So let's move up another levelof taking care of ourselves
as a human.
And the next part for mewas that self-actualization,
that who am I?
Where do I fit into all of this?
And as these needs aregetting met and my brain was
allowing me to go throughand figure out who I am,
(35:06):
all of a sudden it really hit melike a slap in the face of
I just am, here.
Like I am a part.
I'm like, am I even a person?
I would sit there and think,like who?
Not just who am I?
But am I a person with needsthat matter?
Because the person levelneeds certainly didn't feel like
(35:26):
they were getting fulfilled.
Like, you know, being a mom,eating dinner often means
you have somebody on your lapor you are eating off
of somebodys plate, or somebodyis like punching you.
I don't know, it's allkinds of things that's happening
while you're just doingsomething as basic as eating,
and then it doesn't go awayfor a very long time.
(35:47):
I'm sure it's time.
At least I hope not, becauseI'm still in it.
That makes it normal, right?
So these basic things, they'rebeing met.
I'm eating.
I'm getting my caloric intake,but not in, like, a dignified
way.
Yeah, right.
My dignity is, like, gone.
I don't have these pieces.
(36:08):
So I was I was met with, whereis my place in the world?
And facing the first of all,I don't have my career anymore.
I decided to leave that behindto be a stay at home mom.
And I love that.
And I wouldn't treat it like I'mrealizing that the bouncing
back, the who I was doesn'tfit anymore.
(36:29):
None of those things made sensefor me.
So where is that bouncing back?
Where is that becominga person again?
Where is my identity?
If those identities don't work,then what's left?
Where am I in?
You almost start to feel likea background character
in your life.
Yeah, just part of the storylineof everybody else.
(36:49):
You're here to lift upand support.
But what are you?
Does that make sense?
Absolutely.
And I think as as you'retalking about that,
anything just I've heardfrom, you know, similar
similar parents in in similarsituations where like you
said, it's.
(37:09):
It becomes a sadnessand a grieving because
like you said, there's who am I?
And like, if this is if this iswhat I'm I am and this is my
only identity.
And what happens when thechildren leave and the
children grow, then that becomesan even, you know, scary,
like, oh, I don't like that.
(37:30):
And so and then, you know,you get those folks that are,
are dealing with the empty nestand then all of a sudden going,
I have absolutely no ideawho I am.
Yeah.
Yes. 100%.
Yeah.
It's it's a project for surethat is going to, I know,
going to revisit itselfin so many different ways
as things don't feel likethey're good anymore.
(37:50):
They fit my life for whateverreason.
Maybe I don't enjoy themanymore. Maybe, that just
doesn't fit my lifestyleanymore.
The things that I'm nowfinding out went in and out of
things will work.
Things will not.
I have to let things go.
But then you're left with thisemptiness of what is there
instead.
And for me, one ofmy obstacles is I think, big.
(38:12):
I am a dreamer, I'm a planner.
I want to make things happen.
But when you're in that mindset,you you often get left
with waiting for the ideaand we're stuck rightly.
I want to do something,but what is it?
What is the thing?
What is it going to be?
(38:33):
And then you end up scrollingand you see what everybody
else is doing and you'relike, oh, I could try that.
But I don't know wherethat would fit in.
And what you're not seeingin the scrolling and
the watching is the yearsof trial and error and
building up the breadcrumbsthat led these people to where
they are and, and whatyou're seeing as whatever
(38:54):
measure of success that you'reseeing in them.
So I had to really stop myselfand to think small, like what?
What are the baby thingsthat I can do for me
while I wait for the big thingthat might or might not come,
(39:14):
you know, or might lead to thatbig idea, that big thing.
What is what are thosebreadcrumbs going to be?
And for me, the first thingthat really stuck out to me was,
I don't know if you followDoctor Morgan Lip, she at
the time was doinga launch group for her book
that she was coming out with.
It's called it's rightover here.
Love your kids without losingyourself.
(39:36):
And that title smacked me rightbetween the eyes.
Like this.
This is what I want.
This is.
Yeah.
So I was like, this is.
This is an idea.
This is a hobby.
This is something,so I, I bought I joined the
launch group where we gotadvance copies to read
and really talk about themwith each other.
(39:57):
And then she did this pre-sale,promotion where if you buy
ten copies of the book for abook group or whatever,
she would do an hour for Q&Awith the book group.
And I was like, okay,I can start a group.
So I went on Redditand I started a book group,
for moms, where we readthis book, Everybody Buy
(40:19):
or at least ten people boughtthe book.
And, I had a group and Ifound these things.
And then and from there,everything's kind of
built its way.
I but I really needed that onelittle thing of reading
with a purpose, readingsomething that lit me up,
that didn't feel like a chore,that was exciting to lead me
(40:41):
to these other things that I'mnow really excited about
and doing, and figuring outwho I am and trying on new hats.
Like, do I lead abook group now?
No, I don't.
Do I even read?
No, not really, because I'mlistening to a lot of
podcasts, but at the time, thatidentity fit and it felt
really good.
Yeah.
(41:01):
Would you say that for youis maybe your moment,
or was there something elsethat for you kind of
like you said, maybe some ofthese things started to click.
Yeah.
I don't think I've had anmoment really.
I mean I've had a couplelittle ones truly.
But I really thinkit's just been a series
of breadcrumbs, like onelittle thing that I did like, I,
(41:24):
I started, I joined the laundry,I'm going to read it.
And that led to, oh, I'mgoing to start a book group.
Okay, I'll do that.
Which led to, you know,what I can lean into more to my
Instagram page because I starteda public Instagram page
to kind of make connectionsand, oh, I can start doing
activities and documentingthe activities that I do
with my kids.
I don't meet a lot of needsbecause I started with an
(41:44):
activity page and oh,I should make some connections,
and I started making friendsand oh, I can do this.
And somebody said to me,oh, I love your voiceovers.
You should do you should dovoice acting or something.
And I was like, oh,a podcast might be interesting.
So it's really just like, like,like a little game with a mouse.
Like, like it's not the nextlittle thing and sure feels big.
(42:08):
Like at this point, you know,starting a podcast
is a big idea, but it neverfelt big because all of it
was like, like just tinylittle steps to get there.
Yeah.
And now I feel I don'tnecessarily feel like I, I'm not
complete.
I don't I'm not like,this is who I am, I am fixed, I
am done.
(42:28):
By this project of findingout who my identity is, is it's
just so exciting.
It's it like.
And I think that's the goalis reconnecting with your joy
and reconnecting with yourselfas a person and seeing where you
can fit in and finding thingsthat light you up,
that allow you to usethe pockets of time in your day
(42:49):
in an exciting way.
Like you have these ideas,like when you have that
five minutes alone time,you know what you're going
to do with it.
Instead of doomscrollingbecause you don't know
what to do with five minutes,doesn't feel like enough
to actually do anything.
Yeah.
Do you have any kind of thoughtsor insights as far as
like you said, maybe you havethe five minutes that your brain
(43:11):
is going.
I'm still super exhaustedand you know, I don't know
if I could take on one.
You know, another thing,even if it's a breadcrumb of
a thing, I would saystart by making a list,
like, truly a list of thingsthat you want to do
when you're not in that space.
(43:32):
Maybe it's when you'refeeling bad about yourself, or
you allow yourself to feel badand say like, damn, I wish I had
time to do this.
I wish I had time to exercise,whatever.
The thing is, I wish Ihad time to watch this
specific show and put it downon the list.
And then when you get thatfive minutes, you have
a resource to accessthat you can like uses a menu
(43:54):
like these are some thingsthat I can do, like a
five minute.
If your goal is to exercisea five minute exercise,
a five minute workout isa workout.
It's better than zerominutes of it.
Yeah, a walk around theneighborhood or honestly, a
cup of coffee.
I am.
One thing I found workingwith moms is they feel
really down on themselves.
Like having a cup of coffeeis such a lame excuse
(44:16):
for a lame, lame self-carelike this is a horrible
self-care.
Like, what is my life?
That having a cup of coffeeis my self-care, but that cup
of coffee can allow youto really reconnect
with yourself and dream and planor check in with your body.
Like, what do you need?
Where do your what are yourgoals?
Where can you go through thatcup of coffee?
(44:37):
So just use it with intention.
So maybe you start, you have acup of coffee with your fire.
Yes.
And I think what you mentionedthere, just even that reframe
because there is so much outthere of what self-care
is supposed to look like, shouldlook like.
And there we go.
We go into somebody else's box,kind of defining what
(45:01):
that means.
And sometimes having thatreframe of what is it
that I need in this particularmoment that I have access to,
that I have the capacity to do?
And, you know, is that a waythat we should just offer
ourselves just that little bitof compassion?
It sounds like, in a little bitof grace, even to kind of say,
(45:23):
hey, if I deserve to kind ofsit here with my cup of coffee
and take a nice big, you know,with me and really just
sit in the, and luxuryof it and, and slow down, even
if it is for, like you said,just those five minutes.
The kids.
(45:43):
Okay, maybe they'rethey're crying a couple more,
you know, a coupleminutes of them crying.
It's it'll be okay.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Definitely.
Like we need to life isdifferent now.
And it is.
It's not going to be likewhat it was.
We're not going to bethose people we are.
And but we're becomingnew people.
Like we're not gone just becausethat person isn't who you
(46:07):
are anymore.
Just like when you werea teenager and you became
an adult, that you weren'tthe same person anymore,
but that.
But you aren't gone.
You just need to figure outwhat's going to bring you
the joy and then seek the joy.
So I, I have a freebie onmy website.
It's a Daily Dose of Joychallenge, where it's a bingo
board of just little tinythings that you can do
(46:29):
when you're feelingoverstimulated, overwhelmed,
whatever you're feeling, you'rejust feeling down on yourself
that you can force yourselfto do.
Like pick up any of the thingsand use a silly accent
to say things in a silly way.
Name give an inanimate objecta name and start talking to it
like pretending, being pretend,tapping, just tapping
(46:50):
into really basic joycan help you remember what
it was like to laugh againand remember all of these things
and just.
And then it'll grow.
It will start to blossom.
It's like a muscle that youhaven't used in a long time
that you can really tap into.
Yeah.
That so as we kind of cometo a close, one of the questions
(47:10):
I love to ask my guest is thatif you did have access to
a Delorean, is thereanything that you would go back
at whatever point in timeand offer to yourself,
oh, gosh, wow, that's a biggie,because one of the things
that I had to really cometo terms with is how much
(47:32):
control I've had to give up,right?
So in some ways, my brainfirst went to like, oh,
what would I tell myselfto change or do differently?
But so much of it I couldn'tdo any differently, right?
Like I couldn't I couldn'tcontrol the circumstances.
So maybe that's what I wouldtell myself.
But like, I've never believed,you know.
(47:55):
Yeah, you can't tell yourself.
So it's all about accessingwhat you can control what's in
your control.
So I guess I would tell myselfto stop following the big ideas
or stop, stop now.
Stop searching for the big ideasand find that joy.
Find those pieces.
Because it was way too longinto my journey.
(48:18):
Yeah, even though it's onlybeen 3 or 4 years before
I remembered I can be funny,I can laugh, and that's okay.
Like, I think my kid was threewhen I really got together
with friends and laughedand felt it like a big belly
chest laugh.
Yeah, so so just giving.
(48:38):
Telling myself to findthe opportunities to laugh again
and find the joy would be great.
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
Like you said, kind offinding the joy and maybe
even giving our self permissionmaybe to kind of go towards
the joy and that it's okayto kind of choose us.
Also, it doesn't have tomaybe be either or can it be
(49:01):
and, and yeah, I lovethat reminder.
All right.
So for anybody who wantsto connect with you, who wants
to and, you know, engage orbenefit from all these wonderful
resources that you have,how can they best find you?
Yeah.
So I am on, all of the platformsunder a mom identity project
(49:22):
where I'm posting every day,either clips of my podcast
or just tips to helpnormalize this, but that are
actionable and realisticthat you can use.
One of the ways that I'mlooking forward to supporting
more moms is I'm I'vealways felt through this
journey, I wish I had somebodyto talk to about all these
ideas, like when you don't knowwhere to start and you're stuck.
(49:43):
I wish I knew where to go.
So I'm very I lovesupporting moms in that way.
I've worked with some moms ofhelping them, like, okay,
I really like doingactivities for, kids activities,
but I don't know what I canactually do with that.
So I helped her figure outhow she can go into calf
play cafes and offerlike activities through that.
So I love helping moms findwhat their bread crumbs are
(50:06):
and like them.
Yeah.
So if you're listening to thisand feeling like I'm
totally lost, I'm like,I'm waiting for the big idea.
Like, let's work together.
Let's try to let's try to findthe thing that's going to
work in your life while lettingyou up and not feeling
like a chore.
And then my podcastis coming out, February 27th,
where you're going to be in thatinitial launch, group
of episodes.
(50:27):
Very exciting.
It's called Moms Guide toFinding Herself.
You can find that all onmy website, mom Identity
project.com.
Awesome.
And as usual, all those linkswill be down below
as well as this recipe.
Here's my little sign.
Yeah, I love and excited toto pop it in and have that
(50:48):
for our meal today.
So thank you so much for beingwilling to share this recipe,
share your story, and andreally help in this journey
of helping other parents feel alittle bit less alone in this.
So I really do appreciate youbeing willing to kind of
come on and chat with us.
So thank you so much.
And thank you everybody fortuning in.
(51:09):
We will see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joiningus on today's episode of The
Real Family Eat.
(51:31):
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
(51:53):
the real family eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eat.
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