June 24, 2025 • 51 mins
Send us a text with your feedback here!
In this episode of The Real Family Eats, host Reesa sits down with Bubba Startz to talk about his powerful life journey, unique parenting challenges, and his tried-and-true chili recipe. This candid conversation digs into real stories, tough choices, and the importance of honesty in family life.
Here’s what you’ll get in this episode:
- Bubba’s transition from welder to podcaster, songwriter, and dad
- The story behind Bubba’s “butt kicking” chili and how he makes it with local South Dakota beef
- Navigating blended families, custody battles, and the challenges of being a parent with a complicated past
- Bubba’s decision to confront his mistakes, including time in prison, and how it impacts his role as a father
- Why transparency, accountability, and “owning your story” matter—for yourself, your kids, and others
Tune in for practical advice, honest reflections, and a hearty recipe you can make at home.
Connect with Bubba Here:
The Scene Projects
Get Better Together Project
******
Bubba's Butt Kickin' Chili Recipe
1 lb hamburger
1 can chili beans
1 can dark kidney beans
1 can light kidney beans
1 can diced tomatoes with green chiles
1 can stewed tomatoes
1 or 2 chopped HOT peppers (jalapeños/habaneros/chiles)
Season with salt, pepper, chili powder, paprika, cumin,
Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar if you like it sweet like my wife Danielle does.
Crockpot for 4 hours.
Serve with or without macaroni noodles and enjoy.
******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Like if you don't go backand shine a light on it
and you're not exploringyour own demons and exposing
those things, then you'renever going to get yourself
better.
And if you're not betteryourself, how are you ever going
to be able to help anyone?
(00:21):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa, and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
real family eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:48):
Welcome back everybody.
Thanks so much for joining.
I am so excited for ourepisode today because I
have Bubba who is joining us.
Thank you Bubba for being here.
I am so excited to hearyour story and your recipe.
Well, thank you forletting me in your kitchen.
Yes, absolutely.
Welcome.
So for anybody who doesn'tknow you.
(01:10):
Can you introduce yourselffor us?
Well, my name is Bubba.
Startz.
I am a songwriter.
I am a podcaster.
I'm also a dad.
I started the Scene Projectspodcast network.
Well, really in the lastsix months.
But, last year I quitmy job welding.
I just couldn't work forsomebody else anymore.
(01:30):
And that set us on thiswhole crazy path of the
podcasting world.
And with, you know, everythingkind of going as it is
mainstream media kind of failingand all of us seeing that
in real time, I realized that,being a musician, I've worked
around radio and TV a lotand saw podcasting as the
next evolution of what media is,so just set out to figure
(01:53):
it out. Right.
Let's figure this out and thenbeyond that, now we're starting
coaching and things like that.
But I am a I am a podcasterthrough and through and just
really happy to to be herewith you today.
Wonderful.
I love that so much. Okay.
So before we get to your story,which I know, you know, you
probably got stories for daysand we could probably talk
(02:16):
for hours.
Tell us, so what recipe areyou sharing with parents
today and why did you choosethis one?
Well, I call it Bubba's, butchicken chili, it could have
just as easily been my wife'sname up there because we
kind of work the same thing.
But, we live herein South Dakota and it is cold,
cold, cold in the wintertime.
(02:37):
So chili is a staple for us.
And, you know, probably twicea month sometimes in those
cold months, just to be a nice,filling meal and be that
comfort food.
I love that.
And I hear you saying, you know,South Dakota in cold, cold,
I want to be completely honestwith you.
So I'm in Southern California.
So our cold I mean itfeels cold fast but
(02:58):
realistically you'd probablybe in but my husband loves a
good chili, so it doesn't matterif it's 100 degrees outside.
He's like, let's makesome chili.
So, so just to put thatout there.
So I love it.
And so I'm excited.
I haven't tried exactlythis recipe.
So tell us, what are all give mean overview of the steps
(03:20):
and then I'll get mixingwhile we chat.
Awesome.
Well with any, SouthDakota meal, the basis of that
is going to be beef.
We are we have more cattle inSouth Dakota than we do people.
So, a lot of poor,beef producers, pork producers
as well.
But we actually have my wife'suncle raises cows and has a
(03:41):
has a lot that he feeds them.
And then her other unclebutchers them.
So we're very fortunate to get,you know, a cow that we
could have gone and namedourselves.
I, I don't do that because thatwould be a little awkward, but,
we have, you know, locallyraised beef that we use pound,
ground beef to startand browning that up is kind
of the first step to everything.
(04:02):
And then everything elsejust kind of comes out of a can.
It goes right into the crock potand it's super easy.
So my my wife loves making itwonderful.
Well I can put things in a pot.
I, I can totally do that.
So okay, I will get going.
And while we're doing this,I'd love to kind of jump
into your story because yourparenting journey maybe
(04:26):
doesn't quite look like everytraditional, like you said,
the Beaver Cleaverkind of story, which is what
we're here to talk about.
So I'd love for you to kind ofstart and tell us a little bit
about your parenting journey.
Some of the, some of thechallenges that you've had
to encounter and navigatein your, in your world.
(04:48):
Well, I and I don't know thatanyone has that leave it
to Beaver family anymore, right?
We live in an age of blendedfamilies and divorce
and remarriage and step kidsand step brothers and sisters
and step parents, and that iskind of where our story, begins.
(05:08):
My, my first son was bornin 2012.
His mother had already had aanother child, so
we were already kind of blended.
And shortly after my sonwas born, we broke up.
And I have been kind ofin a custody battle with for
visitation with him for the last12 years.
(05:30):
Wow.
Now things are more settledthan they were in the
first six years of his life.
But I went, a pretty good amountof time in the first six years
of his life.
Also, through choices of mine,I did a couple years in prison.
I also spent a year in Mexicobefore that, because I
didn't want to go to prison.
So, you know, three years of myson's life, you know, that I was
(05:52):
completely gone for.
And the rest of that time,while I was seeing him
sporadically, it was stilljust mired in court cases
and appearances and all of that.
So my relationship with myoldest boy is, is, I wouldn't
say tenuous.
Now, we've since I gotout of prison and we've been
(06:13):
reestablishing thatrelationship, it's been
a lot better.
But now he has two siblingsthat, are from another
relationship that I'm alsono longer in.
And, those two kids areraised by my now current wife,
and we, Yeah.
(06:34):
So we've got three kids.
All the kids have different DNA.
Even my, my oldest, my adopted,my middle son, Mick.
So he's not my blood, but he'sbeen my son.
I was with his mother beforehe was ever born.
So, these are my legallyadopted him when my
my ex-wife and I got divorced.
(06:55):
So I've had custody.
Primary custody of my youngest.
Two for the last, oh, to beseven years now. 2018.
I got out of prison and,have had them full time in that,
you know, a few short months outof prison, I met my my wife.
We actually met.
She was a correctional officerat the prison I was in, but,
(07:17):
obviously didn't startdating there.
This isn't one of those,loving lockup kind of
situations, but we, got togethershortly thereafter.
I say she fell in love with thesongwriter side of me,
right? She.
She came and saw our show when,when I was performing.
And she's a big countrymusic fan, so I think she
(07:38):
fell in love with that,that guitar and that voice.
And then she was kind of willingto deal with all the rest
of the stuff because of that.
And, yeah, it's beena lot, right?
I mean, even just gettingthe backstory, you're like,
oh, wow.
There's there's a lot tounpack, right?
There's there's meat there.
(07:59):
Right.
As you know, as, I mean,for sure, which I just want to
pause, though, and the factthat it sounds like you found
kind of the the key to herwith your music, though,
it sounds like it helps.
Right?
It helps to have a little bitof talent in your back pocket
for those situations becausehonestly, there there was
(08:21):
no reason.
My wife is also ten yearsyounger than me.
She was 22, just graduatedcollege.
She had her whole lifeahead of her, and I
landed on her with an instantfamily of three, two kids
that I just got primarycustody of and one
son that I was, you know,fighting to get back
into his life.
And she really took that out on.
And I can't wait forthe book that she writes,
(08:44):
years down the road here,of how she took on this huge
challenge and just has continuedto shine through that.
And, I mean, it's not perfect.
We're not perfect people.
It has been nothing but bumpsand mountains to climb. And.
Yeah, and, you know, a lot of,you know, a lot of screaming
matches and a lot of having to,you know, understand each other,
(09:08):
know.
Because at the same time,while I respect what she took
on, I also have to look at itlike, well, you took this
on though, right?
Like you chose this.
You knew what you weregetting into.
It's not like I came at you andwas hiding all of
these children.
I was there and like,hey, this is this is what my
life looks like.
(09:28):
If you want to bea part of this, like,
I love you, I would love to.
But also I totally respect youif you want to go right,
you're 22 and you haveyour whole.
You could be anythingyou want to be.
Why would you want to be,you know, married to, to a felon
fresh out of prison, on parole,who has, you know, custody of
(09:49):
a three and a two year old?
I mean, my kids weren'teven able to wipe
their own butts when we gottogether.
And then, as when I got outof prison, their mom
kind of took that as aor, you know, they're their
biological mother.
My ex-wife decided that this washer ticket to freedom.
And really, for the lastfive years, we've had
(10:10):
almost zero contact with her.
Besides, when we tryto reach out.
But now you get into a situationwhere my, my, my two children
don't have any idea whothis woman is, right?
That they know that their mom,my wife, my current wife is mom,
but that she didn't birth them.
And, you know, so difficultconversations with, you know,
(10:33):
eight, nine and 12 year oldsto try to say, hey, we're
we're not just going to tell youthat everything's rosy and
try to do this.
Like, you come from a messybackground, you know, especially
for my younger two.
Both of your parentsare addicts, right?
The both of your parentshave done prison time.
You're, you know, you'reyou're blond, your DNA.
And, you know, we're notgoing to hide that from you.
(10:56):
And I refuse to kind of hidemy past from them and the story
that I gave them.
Now, fortunately, they wereyoung enough where they
don't remember dad notbeing around.
They don't they don'thave any of those memories.
And even my son yesterdaywe were out for a walk,
and my nine year old, you know,it was like, well, dad, we don't
(11:17):
we don't need to talk aboutbad stuff, you know, because I
was kind of sharing about jailand the different things.
And I was like, look, buddy,like, it's not bad stuff, right?
It's part of my story.
It's just stuff, right?
But it was part of our story.
It's part of all of our storybecause I gave that to you.
But I don't want youto have to deal with these
(11:39):
things emotionally 20 years downthe road, when your own
life is a mess and you don'tknow why.
Can I pause you there fora moment?
Because I.
I think that's suchan interesting and change.
You know, as far as justthat mindset and that shift
in perspective, because Ifind that, you know, there are a
(12:01):
lot of parents out there wherecoming from a great place,
a well-meaning place,I feel like I need to keep
this from you.
I need to protect you from fromthis message or from these bad
things like you said.
So I'm so curious, could youtell me more about, like, how
(12:21):
did you make that shift or what?
Maybe kind of gave you enoughof that insight in that
awareness to say, I yeah,I want to be honest with you,
and I want to be kind ofit sounds like transparent
if I'm hearing correctly.
Exactly.
And and maybe it's agenerational thing, right, where
I think a lot of parentsthat are, you know, I'll be 39.
(12:44):
Well, I'll already be 39by the time this comes out.
So I'm going to pretend I'm39 already.
Yeah.
And it's just because we allknow that we've kind
of been lied to, right?
We've all kind of been livingin some crazy matrix and not to
get political about it,but I think a lot of things over
the last year have been exposed.
(13:05):
I think a lot of what, you know,the mainstream media and just
television and all ofthose things in general,
like you like when you,you know, reference Leave It
to Beaver, not that that showhas been on the air and,
you know, half a century, but,that, that life for most for
I would say all peoplelike nobody lives a life
like they're sitcomsfor a reason.
(13:26):
It's it's entertainment that'snot real.
But I think that previousgenerations thought that maybe
that was real.
And then you start to lookat yourself and go,
but my life's a mess.
Like, I don't want to share thatwith anyone.
I don't want to be, you know,and to be seen from the outside
(13:47):
as that, right, to be seenas a mess.
But if you if everyone sharestheir stuff and you realize
that, hey, everybody's messy,everybody is messy, then
you start to feel a lotless alone.
And I would just like to,you know, for me and for
my children, like I wasin Mexico, not in prison before
(14:09):
I came back.
But the reason I came backwas for my children.
My children didn't choosethat life right now.
If I was on my own and didn'thave a wife and a child,
and then another one on the way,I may have stayed there, right?
Like, it would have beena totally different timeline
for me.
And I just find itso much easier to be honest
(14:34):
about everything than to tryand hide.
What it really comes down tois that I'm a terrible liar.
So to try and hide some massivesecret that if you Google
my name, you can go find outfor yourself anyway,
why would I?
Why would I let my childrengrow up?
And then they're 13 one day andhave their phone and
(14:56):
they look up their last nameand they find all of this
bad news that they knewnothing about.
And then how would they evertrust me again?
How would my children trust meif they found out all of
this stuff about methat I've been carrying
and never told them?
And I guess as someone who, itprobably stems from watching
(15:16):
my parents relationship andknowing that, or not
knowing, rather that theirrelationship wasn't great right
until dad had a new girlfriend.
But mom didn't want toleave home.
And you go through three yearsof your high school career
with your dad, bringing your momand his lover to your games,
(15:37):
right?
Yeah.
And the incessant bullying thatthat created for me in my high
school career.
I didn't ask for any of that.
I didn't deserve any of that.
So living through thatas the child that, you know,
my parents probably didn'thave a great relationship
for years before that happened,but because they weren't honest,
(15:58):
maybe with each other andthey weren't honest with
those kids, it just kind of gotdropped on me one day where
mom's like, I'm leavingand took off with my
two brothers and was only gonefor a weekend because
she couldn't stand to bewithout her.
Her baby.
Right?
I'm the first bornand the oldest in my family that
she came back and then satin that terrible situation
(16:18):
and put herself through all ofthose things for me. Right.
And now that's somethingthat, like, I don't ever
want to be in that situationon either side of it now.
Right.
And that's probably whymy relationship with my
oldest boys mother, whereit was like, no, we're done,
we're here.
I'm not going through a terriblerelationship just because
(16:40):
we have a kid together.
That's crazy.
Yeah, we will figure this out,but we're going to figure it out
together.
And obviously, as you can tellby a 12 year long custody
battle, I'm in courttwice a year fighting
just to see my son becauseshe thinks that she can,
you know.
Oh, well, he doesn't haveto contact.
Is that her or whateverin her head?
(17:00):
Not to get into her past oranything, but when you have
when you have diagnosed mentalhealth issues and you choose
not to medicate or seek helpfor those at some point, it's
not everyone else's fault.
And that's kind of where we findourselves.
And and constantly returningto that.
And boy, I've grown a lotjust dealing with that one
(17:21):
situation, right? Yeah.
And it sounds like, if I'mhearing you correctly, too,
having experienced it firsthand,I imagine that was a lot of
pressure to kind of haveas a child.
Like my mom is sittingthrough this really awful
situation and she's saying it's,you know, for me to just
kind of, you know, I'm just I'mjust imagining as a child
(17:44):
to kind of have that weight ontop of it, too.
Is that right?
Well, right.
Well, and she would nevershe never said that.
I just I know that's whatit was.
Okay. Right.
I, she would never say that.
And if my mother's watching thisand it gives her some closure
to that, that it's okaybecause my mom and I have
never got to talk aboutthis stuff after the fact,
(18:05):
because it was all so terrible.
And then she finallydivorced my dad after I left
for college.
And I went to collegefive hours away on the other
side of the state from wherethey were.
And I just left.
And then I ran away.
I was gone for years.
Right?
No contact.
This was kind of before I mean,cell phones were around, but
it's not like it is today.
We're talking 2004, 2005.
(18:26):
And I just kind of disappeared.
And then it went two yearsof drug addiction and alcohol
abuse and all of these things,because I don't know
how to process any ofthis stuff.
Right.
Any of this stuff that I'vebeen burying because outwardly,
all of us kids and dad and wifeand other gal and whole
two kids, everybody just hadto pretend like it's okay
(18:49):
when it's the most screwedup thing I've ever heard of
in my life.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely right.
And nobody admitting thatand even years later,
not admitting it is.
When we talked about myother show, Get Better Together,
that's kind of how that showcame about, because I was like,
I have to get this out of me.
I have to get this out for me.
(19:11):
And whether it's on the internetand a million people see it,
or if it's on my computerin a file that sits there
and doesn't get watchedby anyone, I have to get it
out of me.
And that is what kind of led meon the path that I'm on now,
where I'm like, oh no,we're going to share our stuff
and you're not going to stop us.
You gave this story to me.
(19:31):
You know, these two peoplethat made a choice that they
were going to be togetherregardless of who it hurt.
Okay, then I'm allowed totalk about that.
I'm not talking out of turn.
You gave me that story,and I want my kids to know that.
Hey, I gave you this story,right?
I gave you those first fewyears of your life
(19:52):
where it wasn't great.
I did that to you.
I'm sorry.
Right.
But also that he's donenothing but work his tail
off to give you a better lifesince he got out of prison.
Right?
The decision to come backfrom Mexico, knowing full
well that as soon as I got tothe border, I'm going into
handcuffs and I'm going awayfor up to 15 years,
(20:14):
was the charges I was facing.
Now I only ended up doingjust over two years total, but
that was also because of choicesthat I made, choices I made
in prison to get time cut offand choices that I made
to, you know, pursuea better life for myself.
After that.
This is the story I'm giving toyou now, right?
(20:34):
So yeah, heavy conversationtoday here.
We actually go back tothat though, that decision,
because I hear you saying,you know, you when you left,
kids were alreadyin the picture.
And so I'm curious for you likewhat was going on.
What was your thought process.
Could you walk us throughkind of what how did you
(20:57):
come to that decision to say,I'm coming back?
I know full well what'sexpected of me the minute I hit,
you know, my feet on the groundon the other side.
But that you made that decision.
How did you come tothat decision?
Was it an easy process?
Can you walk us through thata little bit?
Well, and it wasn't with myfirst child, right.
(21:18):
It or it wasn't with Mick,who was born in Mexico.
Right? Right.
When we crossed the border,headed south, obviously
knew that, my wife at the timewas pregnant and that this child
was most likely going to be bornin Mexico.
We had no idea what thatwas going to look like.
Thank God for the Mexicangovernment and and all
these beautiful peopledown there that took care of us.
(21:40):
Because I was a drug addict,I had just been arrested
and let out because Iwas selling a lot of pot.
I know for California,that's not a big deal.
But for South Dakota,they kind of frowned upon it.
And I was like, screw you.
I'm not going to jail for weed.
This is crazy.
I'm going to Mexico.
And then once I said it,I had to live it because I
don't want to be a liar.
And and yeah, it justso happened that my wife
(22:03):
at the time, that she knewsomeone down there,
she had lived, she hadgrown up in Arizona and,
who she calls, you know,her uncle and, he hadn't
they hadn't seen eachother in years.
But when she called, he answeredand said, yeah, our family has
a space for you.
Come on down.
And, they kind of made surethat we were taken care of
(22:24):
for a full year.
But it was it was overthe course of that year where
it's like, this isn't your life,right?
Like, yes, you can live here,but this isn't the life
that you're supposedto be living.
It's definitely not the lifethat your children are supposed
to be living.
And then when.
So my oldest or my middle boy,he was born in 2015, and then
(22:49):
shortly after he was born,got pregnant again.
And it was at that time where,knowing what we had gone through
with the first pregnancyand everything that we're
not raising.
So, I mean, we were livingin a place with dirt floors
like it was very thirdworld Mexico.
We weren't in Cancun. Right?
(23:11):
Like, yeah, we were in Hidalgo.
The state would all go to Mexicowhere they don't even see
white people, right?
Like we were unicorns.
And then I'm down on the squareplaying Hotel California on
there, like, where'd youget the gringo?
We like this guy.
Well, it's going, oh, isEl Gringo?
They do one single.
That was my stage name.
(23:32):
Really?
Yeah. Okay.
And I loved it.
Right.
And maybe on a differenttime line.
Had I landed there at 19,20 years old, I may have
never come back.
I have such a lovefor the country of Mexico,
for the for the Mexican people.
And for those families thattook us in and fed us
(23:53):
and housed us and clothed usand did all of the
things for us, and it wasreally looking around and going,
these people have nothing,and they are giving freely
of themselves to us just tokeep us alive.
Well, I, I owe it tothem to go back because they're
all wanting to go to America.
Right?
They're all down theregoing like, what are you doing
(24:13):
here?
Why why would you behere? Right?
And I'm like, well,my life wasn't really that great
up there.
And then I'm facing, you know,prison time.
It was just going to get worse.
But yeah, it humbled me, right.
And being humbled, I was able tolook at the situation and go,
you owe it not only to yourselfand your kids, but to all of
(24:36):
these people that wouldhonestly do anything to have
the opportunity that you haveto go back.
And even if I bet if you offereda lot of people the chance
to go back and to sit in prisonfor two years.
But when you get out, you'rean American citizen
and you can go work and makemoney in America.
I bet a lot of people wouldtake that.
So when you put it inthat context, you're like, don't
(25:00):
you need to go do whatyou need to do?
And it's not easy to makethat decision to say, I'm
going to go out and give up andyou know, of what,
one year to 15?
Well, I don't I didn't knowhow long it was going to be.
I hadn't been through any kindof court or been offered a deal.
It was just you're going awayfor an indeterminate
amount of time once you crossthat border.
(25:22):
And it was a big, big decision,right?
Yeah, absolutely.
And I can only imagine then,you know, that that battle
of like you said, really,it sounds like recognizing
your privilege and having someof that humility at the same
time, knowing, like yousaid, that if I go in,
you know, I'm going to bephysically separated, too,
from my family and fromthese children and kind of
(25:45):
having those two thingskind of coexist at the
same time.
I imagine it wasn'tjust a walk in the park,
if that's a fair.
And it's probably somethingthat I'm still processing.
Right.
Because it was such a largedecision that had, you know,
ramifications for generations,possibly.
(26:05):
Right.
You know, we could havestayed there.
It could have been different,but not like things were
real good there during Covideither. Right?
We could have been there.
I just came back in 20,you know, 2016.
You know, it wasn't that bigof a gap of time before the
whole world got turned overon its head.
How much I wonder what our lifewould have been in that
(26:26):
situation.
And and obviously in 2016when I'm, you know, coming back
across the border, I'mnot thinking about any
of that. Right.
But I'm thinking about these twochildren now, and having
already lived throughwhat I lived through and going,
you're going to give thema messed up story.
You're giving this life to them.
(26:48):
And how dare you, knowing whatyou've been through, that you
would do that to them.
They didn't choose this.
You need to do what you needto do to build that better life
for your kids and to givethem a chance.
The same opportunitythat you had.
And yeah, it just is.
And that's what keeps yougoing, right?
Every day.
For two years, my daughter wasactually born the day I got
(27:10):
moved from jail to prison.
Right.
You know, not being thereto see that, seeing her for the
first time, my my youngestdaughter, through the glass,
at the jail.
Right.
And talking to themover the phone while I'm
in prison.
Didn't get a visit from themthe entire time, because during
that time, my my now ex-wife,you know, had decided
(27:32):
she was just going tomove on with her life.
Right.
And and I'm not waiting 2 or3 years for you to get out
and to do this.
You know, she had another childwhile I was in prison
that was born.
So, you know, just a few monthsbefore I got out.
So it was obvious that I wascoming out and moving into a
completely different life.
(27:53):
And we had no idea it was justthe unknown.
And I think so many peoplecan be so afraid of that,
that they get paralyzed,that unknown.
And yeah, for me, it was theknown commodity.
It was the known thatif we stayed there, life.
I had no idea what it wasgoing to look like,
(28:14):
but it wasn't going to be whatit would be if they were in the
United States.
Yeah.
That's there.
How could you talk a little bitmore about how you were able
to get to that decision toto own your piece?
Because I heard you mentiona couple times like that,
(28:35):
it sounds like you were kind ofreally intentionally
taking stock of yourcontributions to your children's
lives.
Some of you know, some ofthe choices that you made
and how it's impactingtheir lives.
Because I feel likeso many times that idea
of owning it and and essentiallyowning it to your children,
which I feel like sometimesparents go that that feels like,
(28:57):
well, I'm the parent.
I should be kind ofin a position of power.
And they feel like if I ownsomething like that,
if I kind of take responsibilityand even come to them.
I heard you mention,you know, they at one point
you would even, you know,apologize to your kids, that
that takes a lot.
I feel like that's a reallyscary thing for people to do,
especially towards children.
(29:17):
And so I'm curious,like for you, how did you come
to that decision to own it?
I mean, and to, to be willingto get vulnerable enough
to go into it?
I, I mean, the therapy that youreceive in prison helps, right?
Just dealing with my own pastand digging into that and going,
(29:39):
well, what what hurt you?
Right.
What what?
And all of it was kind of drugand alcohol related, right?
They're they're trying toheal you.
So I'm doing this, but really,it was like, I only like,
I don't have an addictionto drugs.
I just don't want tofeel crappy.
Right? Yeah.
I'm using because I didn't have,like, a drug of choice or like,
I didn't care whatever youwere going to give me to numb
(30:01):
that whatever or to pushand suppress those thoughts
that I'm having andthose feelings give it to me.
I was all about it. Right?
So, so variety in prisonand then working some steps
and digging into sometherapy and just going, yeah,
I don't want I don't wantany of that.
I never wanted any of that.
I didn't want the storythat my dad gave to me.
(30:25):
Yeah.
And then you look at yourself inthe mirror as a father and go,
hey, your kids didn't want iteither. But.
So it was dealing with that,looking in the mirror and going,
hey, man, you're not going tobe able to hide this, obviously.
Especially you're my kids aregoing to grow up in the
internet era.
They're going to know whotheir dad is.
And that the fact that I havean older boy with a mother
(30:45):
who hates my guts, that wasyou know what I mean?
She was going to share itwith him, and then he's
going to tell him, like,I didn't want it to come
from anyone else, right?
If I hear it, you're going tohear it from me.
Because how else will youtrust me and do all the things
that I say?
If you think I'm a liar.
Yeah.
(31:07):
And it's kind of assimple as that.
I know, I know, it soundsreally good.
The what's difficult is lookingyourself in the mirror
and going, yeah, you're notgoing to be a liar.
You're going to takeaccountability for this,
and you're just goingto go live it, and it's
not going to make youa worse person to do that.
It's not.
In fact, what we're finding nowis that it's actually helping
(31:28):
other people to own it yourselfand to admit those things
to the world, to put itout there for the world
and to go, hey, I'm messy,but I'm also here.
And if I can get here and I canlive through all of this stuff
that I've lived through,then you can do anything.
And I come on here and if I'mgoing to be on my own podcast,
(31:49):
I'm going to be tellingall these stories and I'm going
to have people look to mewhere I want people
to look at me as an authorityor as a leader and whatever,
you know, thing that we'repursuing, then I have to be
real.
I can't show up.
And then, oh, I got all theseskeletons in my closet, right?
Like I'm not.
I just can't do that.
(32:10):
And maybe I'm a product ofour generation.
Maybe I'm only a product of myown experience.
But what I'm findingin the world right now,
especially in this podcastinguniverse, is that, no,
the whole world is just readyfor some real talk.
Like we're all we're allmessed up.
We all been through a lot,you know?
I mean, just think of it as,you know, think of the last
(32:32):
five years on the global scale,just being a human being.
We've all been througha lot of crap.
And when we're all justkind of opening our eyes
and realizing that like, oh,we went through this
big collective thing togetherand now it's okay to acknowledge
all the little stuff that we'vebeen through to and those things
that hurt us.
(32:53):
Because I feel like if you don'tacknowledge those that you're
never going to get better.
Like if you don't go backand shine a light on it
and you're not exploringyour own demons and exposing
those things, then you'renever going to get yourself
better.
And if you're not betteryourself, how are you ever going
to be able to help anyone?
And you know, like we'retalking about today is on a
(33:14):
much smaller, you know, thefamily level.
But I'm out here in podcastingtrying to be somebody to a
lot of other people.
Right.
I don't want anyone to feel likethey're getting some false,
some fakeness from me.
I'm as real as it getsfrom the moment I wake up to
the moment I fall asleep againand then repeat it every
(33:36):
single day.
And I think that thataccountability starts
here, right?
It starts with you,starts with me.
And it's it's not somethingthat's going to go away.
These problems aren't goingto go.
Those traumas, those they're notgoing anywhere.
Right.
They are they are with us.
They will.
(33:56):
And we know now from researchbeing done that, you know,
they will, they will expressthemselves as physical maladies
if you don't take care of it.
Right. Yeah.
So, getting better here and herefirst. Right?
Right.
Right inside your own heart.
That's the first key.
And then you can go outand you can heal your family,
(34:16):
and then you can healyour community, and then
you can heal the world.
So that's really the missionthat I'm on.
And it starts, like you said,right here at home.
And I know a few.
It was really just a coupleof easy decisions.
I'm going to go back and paythe piper, right?
I'm gonna go back and face this.
I don't know exactly what'sout there, but I know I'm
(34:39):
probably going away.
Well, I would rather go awaynow while my son is 1 or 2
and my daughter is now born.
And then to have no memoryof that part of their life
themselves and me being ableto share that with them later
rather than wait untilthey've been living in Mexico
for what am I?
What are you going to do?
(34:59):
What are you.
You're going to live in Mexicofor 6 or 7 years and not
knowing what's going to happendown there, and then
you're going to bring yourkids back who have been, Mexican
residents, and now you're goingto bring them back to the UK.
Like it just didn't make sense,right?
Like the longer I'm waitingthis out of my head
is like, okay, you had your fun.
You did what you said you weregoing to do.
You went to Mexico, but brother,you got you got to own it
(35:21):
and you got to go back thereand deal with it.
These kids and ask for this.
Yeah.
What I love about what you said.
And I think you're so spoton in the sense that, you know,
on paper when you're talkingabout it, that they are kind of
easy decisions to makein the sense that it is
kind of you taking a lookin the mirror.
And the mirror is right there.
You're right there.
It's not like you're needingnecessarily whole leaps
(35:43):
and bounds to to do it.
And I think what's alsoso important though, is that
I always use the analogy,you know, there's like
finger class so you can haveyour kids and you put
your fingers on either side,and then the instinct, right
is to pull away.
And I feel like that's such agood representation of many
people's instincts iswhen you go into something
(36:04):
that's a little bit sticky,that's a little bit difficult.
The instinct often timesis like, let me pull
away from this, let me get awayas far and as fast as possible.
But just like thisfinger across, when you do that,
it just gets tighter and you'restill carrying it around.
So maybe, you know, you can'tsee it.
You know, it's not rightat the top of mind or
(36:25):
in the forefront, but it'sstill there.
It's still kind of fuzed to you.
And up until you makethe decision to kind of come
towards it, which you know that.
So you get have those fingerclasses, you have to come
a little bit closer to theend of the other finger
that that's when, like you said,we're able to kind of
consciously, intentionallymake those decisions, to look
at ourselves in the mirrorand to start making different
(36:47):
choices, and that it isjust like a one day at a time,
a constant minute decisionto continue to make
those choices.
If I'm if I'm hearingyou correctly.
Totally.
Yeah.
And it's just choices, right?
Choices got me into that mess.
Yeah.
Choices got me out.
And I just had to startmaking better choices. Right.
(37:08):
And I think as parents,we're we're all very aware that
the choices we make have effectson our children, where maybe,
you know, my own fatherwasn't aware of that, right?
And wasn't aware thatthe choices that you're making
right now to do these thingsor whatever, or even my mother's
choice and not to put any blameon her, but her choice
(37:29):
to come back into stayand to live through that
situation not only as herself,but not giving us children
and out.
If mom would have left.
And granted, I didn't storm outthe door with her.
Maybe after being gone fora few months because she
wasn't sharing.
Hey, I'm leaving your fatherright?
She wasn't having a conversationwith me.
She's just like, I'm going toauntie's house.
(37:51):
And I'm like, screw you, man.
Like, we just.
We just moved from thereto out here.
I just finally made all thesefriends.
And now you want to drag meright back to there,
and I got to do like,no, I didn't, I was 12.
No, I want to do that again.
But I'm 12 and you're not beingfully honest with me.
If you would have explainedeverything or had just stayed
gone, maybe at some point I comearound, right?
(38:14):
But that that wasn't the lifethat I got.
Right.
And it wasn't because of my ownchoosing. Yeah.
And how dare I then do thatto my own children, right.
Like this.
Yeah.
Accountability is how we breakgeneral generational
curses, right?
Taking your trauma. Yes.
For sure.
(38:35):
And I think that's so importantbecause like you said, we even
it's those choices.
But even not making a choicein itself is making a choice
to not make a choice.
And I think that's sometimeswhere people are like, oh, well,
I didn't decide.
Well, you know, by not makinga choice, we are still
making a choice, even if maybeyou're not quite ready to
to own it.
Like you said, it's stilla choice.
(38:58):
Yeah.
And accountabilityis hard, right.
And and for me, you know,one of the life changing moments
when I was in prison was,so I had kind of gotten
I had charges out of multiplecounties, so they sent me to
jail here.
I was there for four months,kind of going through trial and
all of that.
And so not trial, but just courtand, you know, finally took
(39:20):
a deal.
And I thought I was goingfrom the one county to the
other one.
Well, they loaded meup and sent me to prison.
And I was like, hey, like,I just came from over
there and like, why didn'tyou just take me there?
Oh, that's not all.
We're going to we're goingto wait for you to get out.
And then you're.
And I was like, no, that'swhy would you do that?
(39:40):
That doesn't make any sense.
So I had to write lettersto the DA's and all these people
to get them to movemy stuff along.
Well, when I got to the othercounty, they're like,
hey, we got a deal worked outwith the attorneys you're going
to do, you're out, y'all.
I was getting out in April ofthis was like 2017.
I was like, sweet, let's go.
(40:02):
And then got to sentencing.
And the judge is just like,yeah, no one no, no.
He's like, you sold 100 poundsof pot over the course of the
last year in my county.
You can go screw yourself,big guy.
And and, you're going to prisonfor a while, and he sentence me
to, like, six years or somethingwith a little bit suspended.
So I'm walking in to thiscourtroom that day, like,
(40:24):
go give him the little spiel.
And, you know, I acceptresponsibility for my actions.
Da da dah.
See you in April.
And, yeah.
Then you get a date.
That's three more years outin the future with none
of the time I didn't get creditfor any of the eight months
I had already been in fromthis judge.
So all that time that I justspent was worth absolutely
(40:46):
nothing.
Was worth nothing now.
And it was that, humbled again.
Yeah. Right.
Right. Yeah.
I've never had my heart sinklike that.
And it it made me commiteven harder at that point.
And thank God that I did right,because I would have never
changed my ways.
I would have never met my wife,because she wasn't, you know,
(41:06):
it would have it would havechanged my entire timeline.
Right.
So I don't I don't begrudgethe judge for what he did.
I don't begrudge the attorneysfor, you know, kind of
being that I ended up getting asentence modification,
which shortened the back end ofmy sentence a little bit
because I got a new judge.
Thank God that other onehad retired.
But I was already doing thingsto better my life.
(41:31):
And, you know, the newjudge with the new attorney
was able to see thatand to give me a little bit of,
of grace, which, I didn't get,you know, it's not God's
grace that I got.
It was human grace that said,hey, buddy, we see you.
You're doing the right things.
Now.
We're going to we're goingto give you another year
of spending with your kidsto you and talk about a gift.
(41:54):
Wow.
Yeah.
And speaking of that, I knowyou mentioned, that like your
daughter, that you weren'tyou didn't get to be present for
some of those.
And I imagine there weremilestones that you missed
in, in your kid's life.
And I would love to know if,if you're okay, kind of
chatting about the dadside of things, of what
(42:15):
it's like when you missthose things, like what's
what's the thought process,what was going on for you
in those moments when whenyou're kind of missing out
on some of those things?
Yeah.
I haven't seen, I didn't seeany of my kids take their
first steps.
Right.
Yeah, I, I didn't I, I missedall of that.
I missed all of that.
That baby time holding them.
My my middle boy.
Which is funny becausebiologically, he's not.
(42:37):
I mean, he's my son,I will never we don't talk
like that here.
All of the kids know that.
They're half brothersand sisters and that, you know,
blood isn't what makes usfamily, right?
Yeah.
It has nothing.
Nothing to do with it.
It's.
It's a little bit of geneticcode.
It's all good.
We're family because we'recommitted to each other.
Right. And.
And my wife is your motherbecause she committed
(42:59):
at 22 years old to raising youkids.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's, you know.
Yeah, yeah, it's goingto eat at me my whole life.
And, and I think I thank Godthat I have an opportunity
with my current wifethat, you know, we've obviously
talked about childrenin our future.
She's going to school right nowand our life is a little crazy.
(43:21):
But a few years from nowwhen we're talking about,
you know, not startinganother family, but adding
to this family and addingour, our own child and thinking
about finally getting to beand have that that, you know,
the leave it to Beaverfamily moment, right where maybe
all of that was gone.
And it's not that it's going tobe perfect, but that we're able
(43:44):
to bring this childinto this world together and
and to kind of experiencewhat so many other people
experience with theirfirst child.
Right.
Because it will be my wife'sfirst, you know, physically, her
whole blood and just seeing herwith our cat, who we got,
back in October, she's goingto be such a good mom.
Right. So.
(44:04):
And not that she's nota good mom to our kids,
but it's just it's different.
And seeing her with the catwas like, oh, you're different.
Seeing her with her niecesis you're going to be different
with our own child,and I'm going to be different.
All of my children that wehave now, these three were all
born under duress, understress, under all of these
(44:25):
really bad situations.
And that I we're buildinga life now to where, you know,
our youngest child,we'll probably have more
than one more to.
I told her our luck is we'lltalk about having one more,
and then you'll have tripletsor something crazy like.
But, you know thatbuilding a life that's
conducive to this child having ablessed and the perfect
(44:50):
life, right?
Not that it's perfectby any means, but closer to
what most other kidsget to grow up in than what
your current children havebeen raised in.
Yeah. Wow.
Okay, so as we as we close,one of the questions I love to
ask my guests and hopefully,are you familiar with back to
the future?
(45:10):
You back to the future, kid?
Oh, yeah.
Okay. Okay.
So it seems as if youhad access to a Delorean.
Is there a particular agethat you would want
to go back to for yourselfand offer yourself not to
change things, but offeryourself some words,
or maybe even just a hug?
What age would you go back toand what would you offer to
(45:32):
so little Baba?
You're going to make it.
I know, I know, it hurts, right?
And I would have to go backto sometime between 1314
years old when everythingwith my dad and his new lover,
current wife,they're still together,
so we get to relive thatall the time.
That's really fun.
And to just be like, you'regoing to make it right.
(45:55):
You're it's going to be okay.
And and not that it's going tobe easy.
It's going to suck.
And that's okay. Yeah.
You know, that's okay becauseit's going to make
you it's going to make yousomeone who can, can pull
other people out fromtheir own stuff.
And to give some perspectiveand honestly, the life
that I've lived is made me intothe podcaster that I am now.
(46:19):
The reason I'm good at what I dois because, one I'm unafraid
to share about myself,which gets other people
to open up right and to.
I've got more perspectivethan you could probably have
an entire gym full of peoplethat couldn't give you all the
different perspectivesthat I'm able to twist around
and to relate to people.
So yeah, buddy, it's goingto suck.
(46:41):
It's not going to be easy.
You probably don't need to doas many drugs as you're
going to do, but you're going tomake it.
And I think having made itthat that's still the same fuel
that gets me up every dayis that we're making it,
and now we get to be a beaconand a lighthouse for other
people that are inevitablygoing through.
(47:02):
Maybe not my same situation,but going through
their own stuff.
And they feel alone right now,and they feel like it's
never going to endand it's never going to
get better.
And I want to be the personthat goes it will it, it will.
And I'm not comparingmy my trauma to your trauma,
but it does get better.
But it starts with personalaccountability.
(47:22):
It starts inside of youto say, I'm going to make
better choices.
Yes, these thingshappened to me.
What now?
Yeah, I love that.
Gosh.
Okay. Bye bye.
Thank you so much for beingwilling to to join us, to chat
with us.
So, so really and and unfilteredreally isn't really a word,
(47:43):
but we're I'm going tomake it one.
And I'm so excited.
So I've got all my stuff and mycrock pot and it's all mixed up.
How long do you normally letthis do you for?
So we usually crank it on highto let it get cooking for
like two hours, and thenwe'll sort of down the low
and let that thing simmerfor another, you know, three,
four hours so that it's readyfor supper.
(48:04):
I'm always dipping in for alittle lunch.
We'll usually get it going inthe morning.
So as soon as it's warm.
My wife likes it with noodles.
She grew up where they putmacaroni noodles in, so I prefer
my chili with cheese and justin a bowl and maybe with some
crackers or chips.
So I'm always dipping in earlyand grabbing a bowl for lunch.
But then by supper time,you it's just, And then
(48:27):
it's even better on day two.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'm.
I will have it.
It will be simmering all day.
I'm sure it'll fill the housewith lots of yummy smells.
So excited for anybody who isinterested in connecting
with you and, any servicesthat you're wanting to to plug,
this is our shamelessplug section, so please
plug away.
(48:48):
I feel like the wholeepisode was a shameless plug.
I have, I have the same the sameprojects as my podcast network.
We are empowering creators to domore of that.
We're trying to figure outthe business side for podcasters
so that they don't haveto worry about, you know,
if they want to turn itinto something, that's a true
(49:11):
business and not just a hobby,that we can provide
some framework for that.
You can find all the informationat the Scene projects.com.
I know it's on the screen onhow to spell everything.
There.
And yeah, just start there, jointhe email list and get
into our world.
And then from there you'll getintroduced to some of my music.
We didn't talk about muchabout my music career besides
(49:33):
being the gringo, but, yeah,you'll find out more about me
and more about, you know, whatwe're doing.
And what we're going to continueto do.
We do all kinds of live eventsduring the year.
How I started podcastingwas to support my music
community.
So you'll find a lotof interviews with independent
music artists, but also nowa lot of podcasters and other
(49:56):
business owners and reallyjust anyone that I find,
you know, interesting or anybodythat's got some skeletons
in their closet they're tryingto clear out.
They can come on.
One of our shows we mentionedGet Better Together project.
That's why it's thesame projects is because
each one is similar to thisshow, is a project of its own,
and each one kind of servesa different purpose.
(50:17):
And but we're just trying totrying to pull back the veil.
Right.
You know, people, especiallyin our generation, and that's
most of our listenersare in that 25 to 44 range.
You know, we've all beenthrough a lot.
You've been through a lot.
And we just want to be able toto give you a safe space to
talk about it and to hopefullywalk away feeling a little bit
(50:38):
better than you. Did.
You know, an hour ago.
Wonderful.
I love that, and as always,everyone will have all of those
links down in our show notesto check that out.
Thank you again for beingwilling to come on to
chat with me today.
I so appreciate it and thank youeveryone for tuning in.
Make sure to come backnext time.
We'll see you then.
(50:59):
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
(51:19):
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
(51:41):
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eat!
Like if you don't go backand shine a light on it
and you're not exploringyour own demons and exposing
those things, then you'renever going to get yourself
better.
And if you're not betteryourself, how are you ever going
to be able to help anyone?
(00:21):
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa, and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
real family eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:48):
Welcome back everybody.
Thanks so much for joining.
I am so excited for ourepisode today because I
have Bubba who is joining us.
Thank you Bubba for being here.
I am so excited to hearyour story and your recipe.
Well, thank you forletting me in your kitchen.
Yes, absolutely.
Welcome.
So for anybody who doesn'tknow you.
(01:10):
Can you introduce yourselffor us?
Well, my name is Bubba.
Startz.
I am a songwriter.
I am a podcaster.
I'm also a dad.
I started the Scene Projectspodcast network.
Well, really in the lastsix months.
But, last year I quitmy job welding.
I just couldn't work forsomebody else anymore.
(01:30):
And that set us on thiswhole crazy path of the
podcasting world.
And with, you know, everythingkind of going as it is
mainstream media kind of failingand all of us seeing that
in real time, I realized that,being a musician, I've worked
around radio and TV a lotand saw podcasting as the
next evolution of what media is,so just set out to figure
(01:53):
it out. Right.
Let's figure this out and thenbeyond that, now we're starting
coaching and things like that.
But I am a I am a podcasterthrough and through and just
really happy to to be herewith you today.
Wonderful.
I love that so much. Okay.
So before we get to your story,which I know, you know, you
probably got stories for daysand we could probably talk
(02:16):
for hours.
Tell us, so what recipe areyou sharing with parents
today and why did you choosethis one?
Well, I call it Bubba's, butchicken chili, it could have
just as easily been my wife'sname up there because we
kind of work the same thing.
But, we live herein South Dakota and it is cold,
cold, cold in the wintertime.
(02:37):
So chili is a staple for us.
And, you know, probably twicea month sometimes in those
cold months, just to be a nice,filling meal and be that
comfort food.
I love that.
And I hear you saying, you know,South Dakota in cold, cold,
I want to be completely honestwith you.
So I'm in Southern California.
So our cold I mean itfeels cold fast but
(02:58):
realistically you'd probablybe in but my husband loves a
good chili, so it doesn't matterif it's 100 degrees outside.
He's like, let's makesome chili.
So, so just to put thatout there.
So I love it.
And so I'm excited.
I haven't tried exactlythis recipe.
So tell us, what are all give mean overview of the steps
(03:20):
and then I'll get mixingwhile we chat.
Awesome.
Well with any, SouthDakota meal, the basis of that
is going to be beef.
We are we have more cattle inSouth Dakota than we do people.
So, a lot of poor,beef producers, pork producers
as well.
But we actually have my wife'suncle raises cows and has a
(03:41):
has a lot that he feeds them.
And then her other unclebutchers them.
So we're very fortunate to get,you know, a cow that we
could have gone and namedourselves.
I, I don't do that because thatwould be a little awkward, but,
we have, you know, locallyraised beef that we use pound,
ground beef to startand browning that up is kind
of the first step to everything.
(04:02):
And then everything elsejust kind of comes out of a can.
It goes right into the crock potand it's super easy.
So my my wife loves making itwonderful.
Well I can put things in a pot.
I, I can totally do that.
So okay, I will get going.
And while we're doing this,I'd love to kind of jump
into your story because yourparenting journey maybe
(04:26):
doesn't quite look like everytraditional, like you said,
the Beaver Cleaverkind of story, which is what
we're here to talk about.
So I'd love for you to kind ofstart and tell us a little bit
about your parenting journey.
Some of the, some of thechallenges that you've had
to encounter and navigatein your, in your world.
(04:48):
Well, I and I don't know thatanyone has that leave it
to Beaver family anymore, right?
We live in an age of blendedfamilies and divorce
and remarriage and step kidsand step brothers and sisters
and step parents, and that iskind of where our story, begins.
(05:08):
My, my first son was bornin 2012.
His mother had already had aanother child, so
we were already kind of blended.
And shortly after my sonwas born, we broke up.
And I have been kind ofin a custody battle with for
visitation with him for the last12 years.
(05:30):
Wow.
Now things are more settledthan they were in the
first six years of his life.
But I went, a pretty good amountof time in the first six years
of his life.
Also, through choices of mine,I did a couple years in prison.
I also spent a year in Mexicobefore that, because I
didn't want to go to prison.
So, you know, three years of myson's life, you know, that I was
(05:52):
completely gone for.
And the rest of that time,while I was seeing him
sporadically, it was stilljust mired in court cases
and appearances and all of that.
So my relationship with myoldest boy is, is, I wouldn't
say tenuous.
Now, we've since I gotout of prison and we've been
(06:13):
reestablishing thatrelationship, it's been
a lot better.
But now he has two siblingsthat, are from another
relationship that I'm alsono longer in.
And, those two kids areraised by my now current wife,
and we, Yeah.
(06:34):
So we've got three kids.
All the kids have different DNA.
Even my, my oldest, my adopted,my middle son, Mick.
So he's not my blood, but he'sbeen my son.
I was with his mother beforehe was ever born.
So, these are my legallyadopted him when my
my ex-wife and I got divorced.
(06:55):
So I've had custody.
Primary custody of my youngest.
Two for the last, oh, to beseven years now. 2018.
I got out of prison and,have had them full time in that,
you know, a few short months outof prison, I met my my wife.
We actually met.
She was a correctional officerat the prison I was in, but,
(07:17):
obviously didn't startdating there.
This isn't one of those,loving lockup kind of
situations, but we, got togethershortly thereafter.
I say she fell in love with thesongwriter side of me,
right? She.
She came and saw our show when,when I was performing.
And she's a big countrymusic fan, so I think she
(07:38):
fell in love with that,that guitar and that voice.
And then she was kind of willingto deal with all the rest
of the stuff because of that.
And, yeah, it's beena lot, right?
I mean, even just gettingthe backstory, you're like,
oh, wow.
There's there's a lot tounpack, right?
There's there's meat there.
(07:59):
Right.
As you know, as, I mean,for sure, which I just want to
pause, though, and the factthat it sounds like you found
kind of the the key to herwith your music, though,
it sounds like it helps.
Right?
It helps to have a little bitof talent in your back pocket
for those situations becausehonestly, there there was
(08:21):
no reason.
My wife is also ten yearsyounger than me.
She was 22, just graduatedcollege.
She had her whole lifeahead of her, and I
landed on her with an instantfamily of three, two kids
that I just got primarycustody of and one
son that I was, you know,fighting to get back
into his life.
And she really took that out on.
And I can't wait forthe book that she writes,
(08:44):
years down the road here,of how she took on this huge
challenge and just has continuedto shine through that.
And, I mean, it's not perfect.
We're not perfect people.
It has been nothing but bumpsand mountains to climb. And.
Yeah, and, you know, a lot of,you know, a lot of screaming
matches and a lot of having to,you know, understand each other,
(09:08):
know.
Because at the same time,while I respect what she took
on, I also have to look at itlike, well, you took this
on though, right?
Like you chose this.
You knew what you weregetting into.
It's not like I came at you andwas hiding all of
these children.
I was there and like,hey, this is this is what my
life looks like.
(09:28):
If you want to bea part of this, like,
I love you, I would love to.
But also I totally respect youif you want to go right,
you're 22 and you haveyour whole.
You could be anythingyou want to be.
Why would you want to be,you know, married to, to a felon
fresh out of prison, on parole,who has, you know, custody of
(09:49):
a three and a two year old?
I mean, my kids weren'teven able to wipe
their own butts when we gottogether.
And then, as when I got outof prison, their mom
kind of took that as aor, you know, they're their
biological mother.
My ex-wife decided that this washer ticket to freedom.
And really, for the lastfive years, we've had
(10:10):
almost zero contact with her.
Besides, when we tryto reach out.
But now you get into a situationwhere my, my, my two children
don't have any idea whothis woman is, right?
That they know that their mom,my wife, my current wife is mom,
but that she didn't birth them.
And, you know, so difficultconversations with, you know,
(10:33):
eight, nine and 12 year oldsto try to say, hey, we're
we're not just going to tell youthat everything's rosy and
try to do this.
Like, you come from a messybackground, you know, especially
for my younger two.
Both of your parentsare addicts, right?
The both of your parentshave done prison time.
You're, you know, you'reyou're blond, your DNA.
And, you know, we're notgoing to hide that from you.
(10:56):
And I refuse to kind of hidemy past from them and the story
that I gave them.
Now, fortunately, they wereyoung enough where they
don't remember dad notbeing around.
They don't they don'thave any of those memories.
And even my son yesterdaywe were out for a walk,
and my nine year old, you know,it was like, well, dad, we don't
(11:17):
we don't need to talk aboutbad stuff, you know, because I
was kind of sharing about jailand the different things.
And I was like, look, buddy,like, it's not bad stuff, right?
It's part of my story.
It's just stuff, right?
But it was part of our story.
It's part of all of our storybecause I gave that to you.
But I don't want youto have to deal with these
(11:39):
things emotionally 20 years downthe road, when your own
life is a mess and you don'tknow why.
Can I pause you there fora moment?
Because I.
I think that's suchan interesting and change.
You know, as far as justthat mindset and that shift
in perspective, because Ifind that, you know, there are a
(12:01):
lot of parents out there wherecoming from a great place,
a well-meaning place,I feel like I need to keep
this from you.
I need to protect you from fromthis message or from these bad
things like you said.
So I'm so curious, could youtell me more about, like, how
(12:21):
did you make that shift or what?
Maybe kind of gave you enoughof that insight in that
awareness to say, I yeah,I want to be honest with you,
and I want to be kind ofit sounds like transparent
if I'm hearing correctly.
Exactly.
And and maybe it's agenerational thing, right, where
I think a lot of parentsthat are, you know, I'll be 39.
(12:44):
Well, I'll already be 39by the time this comes out.
So I'm going to pretend I'm39 already.
Yeah.
And it's just because we allknow that we've kind
of been lied to, right?
We've all kind of been livingin some crazy matrix and not to
get political about it,but I think a lot of things over
the last year have been exposed.
(13:05):
I think a lot of what, you know,the mainstream media and just
television and all ofthose things in general,
like you like when you,you know, reference Leave It
to Beaver, not that that showhas been on the air and,
you know, half a century, but,that, that life for most for
I would say all peoplelike nobody lives a life
like they're sitcomsfor a reason.
(13:26):
It's it's entertainment that'snot real.
But I think that previousgenerations thought that maybe
that was real.
And then you start to lookat yourself and go,
but my life's a mess.
Like, I don't want to share thatwith anyone.
I don't want to be, you know,and to be seen from the outside
(13:47):
as that, right, to be seenas a mess.
But if you if everyone sharestheir stuff and you realize
that, hey, everybody's messy,everybody is messy, then
you start to feel a lotless alone.
And I would just like to,you know, for me and for
my children, like I wasin Mexico, not in prison before
(14:09):
I came back.
But the reason I came backwas for my children.
My children didn't choosethat life right now.
If I was on my own and didn'thave a wife and a child,
and then another one on the way,I may have stayed there, right?
Like, it would have beena totally different timeline
for me.
And I just find itso much easier to be honest
(14:34):
about everything than to tryand hide.
What it really comes down tois that I'm a terrible liar.
So to try and hide some massivesecret that if you Google
my name, you can go find outfor yourself anyway,
why would I?
Why would I let my childrengrow up?
And then they're 13 one day andhave their phone and
(14:56):
they look up their last nameand they find all of this
bad news that they knewnothing about.
And then how would they evertrust me again?
How would my children trust meif they found out all of
this stuff about methat I've been carrying
and never told them?
And I guess as someone who, itprobably stems from watching
(15:16):
my parents relationship andknowing that, or not
knowing, rather that theirrelationship wasn't great right
until dad had a new girlfriend.
But mom didn't want toleave home.
And you go through three yearsof your high school career
with your dad, bringing your momand his lover to your games,
(15:37):
right?
Yeah.
And the incessant bullying thatthat created for me in my high
school career.
I didn't ask for any of that.
I didn't deserve any of that.
So living through thatas the child that, you know,
my parents probably didn'thave a great relationship
for years before that happened,but because they weren't honest,
(15:58):
maybe with each other andthey weren't honest with
those kids, it just kind of gotdropped on me one day where
mom's like, I'm leavingand took off with my
two brothers and was only gonefor a weekend because
she couldn't stand to bewithout her.
Her baby.
Right?
I'm the first bornand the oldest in my family that
she came back and then satin that terrible situation
(16:18):
and put herself through all ofthose things for me. Right.
And now that's somethingthat, like, I don't ever
want to be in that situationon either side of it now.
Right.
And that's probably whymy relationship with my
oldest boys mother, whereit was like, no, we're done,
we're here.
I'm not going through a terriblerelationship just because
(16:40):
we have a kid together.
That's crazy.
Yeah, we will figure this out,but we're going to figure it out
together.
And obviously, as you can tellby a 12 year long custody
battle, I'm in courttwice a year fighting
just to see my son becauseshe thinks that she can,
you know.
Oh, well, he doesn't haveto contact.
Is that her or whateverin her head?
(17:00):
Not to get into her past oranything, but when you have
when you have diagnosed mentalhealth issues and you choose
not to medicate or seek helpfor those at some point, it's
not everyone else's fault.
And that's kind of where we findourselves.
And and constantly returningto that.
And boy, I've grown a lotjust dealing with that one
(17:21):
situation, right? Yeah.
And it sounds like, if I'mhearing you correctly, too,
having experienced it firsthand,I imagine that was a lot of
pressure to kind of haveas a child.
Like my mom is sittingthrough this really awful
situation and she's saying it's,you know, for me to just
kind of, you know, I'm just I'mjust imagining as a child
(17:44):
to kind of have that weight ontop of it, too.
Is that right?
Well, right.
Well, and she would nevershe never said that.
I just I know that's whatit was.
Okay. Right.
I, she would never say that.
And if my mother's watching thisand it gives her some closure
to that, that it's okaybecause my mom and I have
never got to talk aboutthis stuff after the fact,
(18:05):
because it was all so terrible.
And then she finallydivorced my dad after I left
for college.
And I went to collegefive hours away on the other
side of the state from wherethey were.
And I just left.
And then I ran away.
I was gone for years.
Right?
No contact.
This was kind of before I mean,cell phones were around, but
it's not like it is today.
We're talking 2004, 2005.
(18:26):
And I just kind of disappeared.
And then it went two yearsof drug addiction and alcohol
abuse and all of these things,because I don't know
how to process any ofthis stuff.
Right.
Any of this stuff that I'vebeen burying because outwardly,
all of us kids and dad and wifeand other gal and whole
two kids, everybody just hadto pretend like it's okay
(18:49):
when it's the most screwedup thing I've ever heard of
in my life.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely right.
And nobody admitting thatand even years later,
not admitting it is.
When we talked about myother show, Get Better Together,
that's kind of how that showcame about, because I was like,
I have to get this out of me.
I have to get this out for me.
(19:11):
And whether it's on the internetand a million people see it,
or if it's on my computerin a file that sits there
and doesn't get watchedby anyone, I have to get it
out of me.
And that is what kind of led meon the path that I'm on now,
where I'm like, oh no,we're going to share our stuff
and you're not going to stop us.
You gave this story to me.
(19:31):
You know, these two peoplethat made a choice that they
were going to be togetherregardless of who it hurt.
Okay, then I'm allowed totalk about that.
I'm not talking out of turn.
You gave me that story,and I want my kids to know that.
Hey, I gave you this story,right?
I gave you those first fewyears of your life
(19:52):
where it wasn't great.
I did that to you.
I'm sorry.
Right.
But also that he's donenothing but work his tail
off to give you a better lifesince he got out of prison.
Right?
The decision to come backfrom Mexico, knowing full
well that as soon as I got tothe border, I'm going into
handcuffs and I'm going awayfor up to 15 years,
(20:14):
was the charges I was facing.
Now I only ended up doingjust over two years total, but
that was also because of choicesthat I made, choices I made
in prison to get time cut offand choices that I made
to, you know, pursuea better life for myself.
After that.
This is the story I'm giving toyou now, right?
(20:34):
So yeah, heavy conversationtoday here.
We actually go back tothat though, that decision,
because I hear you saying,you know, you when you left,
kids were alreadyin the picture.
And so I'm curious for you likewhat was going on.
What was your thought process.
Could you walk us throughkind of what how did you
(20:57):
come to that decision to say,I'm coming back?
I know full well what'sexpected of me the minute I hit,
you know, my feet on the groundon the other side.
But that you made that decision.
How did you come tothat decision?
Was it an easy process?
Can you walk us through thata little bit?
Well, and it wasn't with myfirst child, right.
(21:18):
It or it wasn't with Mick,who was born in Mexico.
Right? Right.
When we crossed the border,headed south, obviously
knew that, my wife at the timewas pregnant and that this child
was most likely going to be bornin Mexico.
We had no idea what thatwas going to look like.
Thank God for the Mexicangovernment and and all
these beautiful peopledown there that took care of us.
(21:40):
Because I was a drug addict,I had just been arrested
and let out because Iwas selling a lot of pot.
I know for California,that's not a big deal.
But for South Dakota,they kind of frowned upon it.
And I was like, screw you.
I'm not going to jail for weed.
This is crazy.
I'm going to Mexico.
And then once I said it,I had to live it because I
don't want to be a liar.
And and yeah, it justso happened that my wife
(22:03):
at the time, that she knewsomeone down there,
she had lived, she hadgrown up in Arizona and,
who she calls, you know,her uncle and, he hadn't
they hadn't seen eachother in years.
But when she called, he answeredand said, yeah, our family has
a space for you.
Come on down.
And, they kind of made surethat we were taken care of
(22:24):
for a full year.
But it was it was overthe course of that year where
it's like, this isn't your life,right?
Like, yes, you can live here,but this isn't the life
that you're supposedto be living.
It's definitely not the lifethat your children are supposed
to be living.
And then when.
So my oldest or my middle boy,he was born in 2015, and then
(22:49):
shortly after he was born,got pregnant again.
And it was at that time where,knowing what we had gone through
with the first pregnancyand everything that we're
not raising.
So, I mean, we were livingin a place with dirt floors
like it was very thirdworld Mexico.
We weren't in Cancun. Right?
(23:11):
Like, yeah, we were in Hidalgo.
The state would all go to Mexicowhere they don't even see
white people, right?
Like we were unicorns.
And then I'm down on the squareplaying Hotel California on
there, like, where'd youget the gringo?
We like this guy.
Well, it's going, oh, isEl Gringo?
They do one single.
That was my stage name.
(23:32):
Really?
Yeah. Okay.
And I loved it.
Right.
And maybe on a differenttime line.
Had I landed there at 19,20 years old, I may have
never come back.
I have such a lovefor the country of Mexico,
for the for the Mexican people.
And for those families thattook us in and fed us
(23:53):
and housed us and clothed usand did all of the
things for us, and it wasreally looking around and going,
these people have nothing,and they are giving freely
of themselves to us just tokeep us alive.
Well, I, I owe it tothem to go back because they're
all wanting to go to America.
Right?
They're all down theregoing like, what are you doing
(24:13):
here?
Why why would you behere? Right?
And I'm like, well,my life wasn't really that great
up there.
And then I'm facing, you know,prison time.
It was just going to get worse.
But yeah, it humbled me, right.
And being humbled, I was able tolook at the situation and go,
you owe it not only to yourselfand your kids, but to all of
(24:36):
these people that wouldhonestly do anything to have
the opportunity that you haveto go back.
And even if I bet if you offereda lot of people the chance
to go back and to sit in prisonfor two years.
But when you get out, you'rean American citizen
and you can go work and makemoney in America.
I bet a lot of people wouldtake that.
So when you put it inthat context, you're like, don't
(25:00):
you need to go do whatyou need to do?
And it's not easy to makethat decision to say, I'm
going to go out and give up andyou know, of what,
one year to 15?
Well, I don't I didn't knowhow long it was going to be.
I hadn't been through any kindof court or been offered a deal.
It was just you're going awayfor an indeterminate
amount of time once you crossthat border.
(25:22):
And it was a big, big decision,right?
Yeah, absolutely.
And I can only imagine then,you know, that that battle
of like you said, really,it sounds like recognizing
your privilege and having someof that humility at the same
time, knowing, like yousaid, that if I go in,
you know, I'm going to bephysically separated, too,
from my family and fromthese children and kind of
(25:45):
having those two thingskind of coexist at the
same time.
I imagine it wasn'tjust a walk in the park,
if that's a fair.
And it's probably somethingthat I'm still processing.
Right.
Because it was such a largedecision that had, you know,
ramifications for generations,possibly.
(26:05):
Right.
You know, we could havestayed there.
It could have been different,but not like things were
real good there during Covideither. Right?
We could have been there.
I just came back in 20,you know, 2016.
You know, it wasn't that bigof a gap of time before the
whole world got turned overon its head.
How much I wonder what our lifewould have been in that
(26:26):
situation.
And and obviously in 2016when I'm, you know, coming back
across the border, I'mnot thinking about any
of that. Right.
But I'm thinking about these twochildren now, and having
already lived throughwhat I lived through and going,
you're going to give thema messed up story.
You're giving this life to them.
(26:48):
And how dare you, knowing whatyou've been through, that you
would do that to them.
They didn't choose this.
You need to do what you needto do to build that better life
for your kids and to givethem a chance.
The same opportunitythat you had.
And yeah, it just is.
And that's what keeps yougoing, right?
Every day.
For two years, my daughter wasactually born the day I got
(27:10):
moved from jail to prison.
Right.
You know, not being thereto see that, seeing her for the
first time, my my youngestdaughter, through the glass,
at the jail.
Right.
And talking to themover the phone while I'm
in prison.
Didn't get a visit from themthe entire time, because during
that time, my my now ex-wife,you know, had decided
(27:32):
she was just going tomove on with her life.
Right.
And and I'm not waiting 2 or3 years for you to get out
and to do this.
You know, she had another childwhile I was in prison
that was born.
So, you know, just a few monthsbefore I got out.
So it was obvious that I wascoming out and moving into a
completely different life.
(27:53):
And we had no idea it was justthe unknown.
And I think so many peoplecan be so afraid of that,
that they get paralyzed,that unknown.
And yeah, for me, it was theknown commodity.
It was the known thatif we stayed there, life.
I had no idea what it wasgoing to look like,
(28:14):
but it wasn't going to be whatit would be if they were in the
United States.
Yeah.
That's there.
How could you talk a little bitmore about how you were able
to get to that decision toto own your piece?
Because I heard you mentiona couple times like that,
(28:35):
it sounds like you were kind ofreally intentionally
taking stock of yourcontributions to your children's
lives.
Some of you know, some ofthe choices that you made
and how it's impactingtheir lives.
Because I feel likeso many times that idea
of owning it and and essentiallyowning it to your children,
which I feel like sometimesparents go that that feels like,
(28:57):
well, I'm the parent.
I should be kind ofin a position of power.
And they feel like if I ownsomething like that,
if I kind of take responsibilityand even come to them.
I heard you mention,you know, they at one point
you would even, you know,apologize to your kids, that
that takes a lot.
I feel like that's a reallyscary thing for people to do,
especially towards children.
(29:17):
And so I'm curious,like for you, how did you come
to that decision to own it?
I mean, and to, to be willingto get vulnerable enough
to go into it?
I, I mean, the therapy that youreceive in prison helps, right?
Just dealing with my own pastand digging into that and going,
(29:39):
well, what what hurt you?
Right.
What what?
And all of it was kind of drugand alcohol related, right?
They're they're trying toheal you.
So I'm doing this, but really,it was like, I only like,
I don't have an addictionto drugs.
I just don't want tofeel crappy.
Right? Yeah.
I'm using because I didn't have,like, a drug of choice or like,
I didn't care whatever youwere going to give me to numb
(30:01):
that whatever or to pushand suppress those thoughts
that I'm having andthose feelings give it to me.
I was all about it. Right?
So, so variety in prisonand then working some steps
and digging into sometherapy and just going, yeah,
I don't want I don't wantany of that.
I never wanted any of that.
I didn't want the storythat my dad gave to me.
(30:25):
Yeah.
And then you look at yourself inthe mirror as a father and go,
hey, your kids didn't want iteither. But.
So it was dealing with that,looking in the mirror and going,
hey, man, you're not going tobe able to hide this, obviously.
Especially you're my kids aregoing to grow up in the
internet era.
They're going to know whotheir dad is.
And that the fact that I havean older boy with a mother
(30:45):
who hates my guts, that wasyou know what I mean?
She was going to share itwith him, and then he's
going to tell him, like,I didn't want it to come
from anyone else, right?
If I hear it, you're going tohear it from me.
Because how else will youtrust me and do all the things
that I say?
If you think I'm a liar.
Yeah.
(31:07):
And it's kind of assimple as that.
I know, I know, it soundsreally good.
The what's difficult is lookingyourself in the mirror
and going, yeah, you're notgoing to be a liar.
You're going to takeaccountability for this,
and you're just goingto go live it, and it's
not going to make youa worse person to do that.
It's not.
In fact, what we're finding nowis that it's actually helping
(31:28):
other people to own it yourselfand to admit those things
to the world, to put itout there for the world
and to go, hey, I'm messy,but I'm also here.
And if I can get here and I canlive through all of this stuff
that I've lived through,then you can do anything.
And I come on here and if I'mgoing to be on my own podcast,
(31:49):
I'm going to be tellingall these stories and I'm going
to have people look to mewhere I want people
to look at me as an authorityor as a leader and whatever,
you know, thing that we'repursuing, then I have to be
real.
I can't show up.
And then, oh, I got all theseskeletons in my closet, right?
Like I'm not.
I just can't do that.
(32:10):
And maybe I'm a product ofour generation.
Maybe I'm only a product of myown experience.
But what I'm findingin the world right now,
especially in this podcastinguniverse, is that, no,
the whole world is just readyfor some real talk.
Like we're all we're allmessed up.
We all been through a lot,you know?
I mean, just think of it as,you know, think of the last
(32:32):
five years on the global scale,just being a human being.
We've all been througha lot of crap.
And when we're all justkind of opening our eyes
and realizing that like, oh,we went through this
big collective thing togetherand now it's okay to acknowledge
all the little stuff that we'vebeen through to and those things
that hurt us.
(32:53):
Because I feel like if you don'tacknowledge those that you're
never going to get better.
Like if you don't go backand shine a light on it
and you're not exploringyour own demons and exposing
those things, then you'renever going to get yourself
better.
And if you're not betteryourself, how are you ever going
to be able to help anyone?
And you know, like we'retalking about today is on a
(33:14):
much smaller, you know, thefamily level.
But I'm out here in podcastingtrying to be somebody to a
lot of other people.
Right.
I don't want anyone to feel likethey're getting some false,
some fakeness from me.
I'm as real as it getsfrom the moment I wake up to
the moment I fall asleep againand then repeat it every
(33:36):
single day.
And I think that thataccountability starts
here, right?
It starts with you,starts with me.
And it's it's not somethingthat's going to go away.
These problems aren't goingto go.
Those traumas, those they're notgoing anywhere.
Right.
They are they are with us.
They will.
(33:56):
And we know now from researchbeing done that, you know,
they will, they will expressthemselves as physical maladies
if you don't take care of it.
Right. Yeah.
So, getting better here and herefirst. Right?
Right.
Right inside your own heart.
That's the first key.
And then you can go outand you can heal your family,
(34:16):
and then you can healyour community, and then
you can heal the world.
So that's really the missionthat I'm on.
And it starts, like you said,right here at home.
And I know a few.
It was really just a coupleof easy decisions.
I'm going to go back and paythe piper, right?
I'm gonna go back and face this.
I don't know exactly what'sout there, but I know I'm
(34:39):
probably going away.
Well, I would rather go awaynow while my son is 1 or 2
and my daughter is now born.
And then to have no memoryof that part of their life
themselves and me being ableto share that with them later
rather than wait untilthey've been living in Mexico
for what am I?
What are you going to do?
(34:59):
What are you.
You're going to live in Mexicofor 6 or 7 years and not
knowing what's going to happendown there, and then
you're going to bring yourkids back who have been, Mexican
residents, and now you're goingto bring them back to the UK.
Like it just didn't make sense,right?
Like the longer I'm waitingthis out of my head
is like, okay, you had your fun.
You did what you said you weregoing to do.
You went to Mexico, but brother,you got you got to own it
(35:21):
and you got to go back thereand deal with it.
These kids and ask for this.
Yeah.
What I love about what you said.
And I think you're so spoton in the sense that, you know,
on paper when you're talkingabout it, that they are kind of
easy decisions to makein the sense that it is
kind of you taking a lookin the mirror.
And the mirror is right there.
You're right there.
It's not like you're needingnecessarily whole leaps
(35:43):
and bounds to to do it.
And I think what's alsoso important though, is that
I always use the analogy,you know, there's like
finger class so you can haveyour kids and you put
your fingers on either side,and then the instinct, right
is to pull away.
And I feel like that's such agood representation of many
people's instincts iswhen you go into something
(36:04):
that's a little bit sticky,that's a little bit difficult.
The instinct often timesis like, let me pull
away from this, let me get awayas far and as fast as possible.
But just like thisfinger across, when you do that,
it just gets tighter and you'restill carrying it around.
So maybe, you know, you can'tsee it.
You know, it's not rightat the top of mind or
(36:25):
in the forefront, but it'sstill there.
It's still kind of fuzed to you.
And up until you makethe decision to kind of come
towards it, which you know that.
So you get have those fingerclasses, you have to come
a little bit closer to theend of the other finger
that that's when, like you said,we're able to kind of
consciously, intentionallymake those decisions, to look
at ourselves in the mirrorand to start making different
(36:47):
choices, and that it isjust like a one day at a time,
a constant minute decisionto continue to make
those choices.
If I'm if I'm hearingyou correctly.
Totally.
Yeah.
And it's just choices, right?
Choices got me into that mess.
Yeah.
Choices got me out.
And I just had to startmaking better choices. Right.
(37:08):
And I think as parents,we're we're all very aware that
the choices we make have effectson our children, where maybe,
you know, my own fatherwasn't aware of that, right?
And wasn't aware thatthe choices that you're making
right now to do these thingsor whatever, or even my mother's
choice and not to put any blameon her, but her choice
(37:29):
to come back into stayand to live through that
situation not only as herself,but not giving us children
and out.
If mom would have left.
And granted, I didn't storm outthe door with her.
Maybe after being gone fora few months because she
wasn't sharing.
Hey, I'm leaving your fatherright?
She wasn't having a conversationwith me.
She's just like, I'm going toauntie's house.
(37:51):
And I'm like, screw you, man.
Like, we just.
We just moved from thereto out here.
I just finally made all thesefriends.
And now you want to drag meright back to there,
and I got to do like,no, I didn't, I was 12.
No, I want to do that again.
But I'm 12 and you're not beingfully honest with me.
If you would have explainedeverything or had just stayed
gone, maybe at some point I comearound, right?
(38:14):
But that that wasn't the lifethat I got.
Right.
And it wasn't because of my ownchoosing. Yeah.
And how dare I then do thatto my own children, right.
Like this.
Yeah.
Accountability is how we breakgeneral generational
curses, right?
Taking your trauma. Yes.
For sure.
(38:35):
And I think that's so importantbecause like you said, we even
it's those choices.
But even not making a choicein itself is making a choice
to not make a choice.
And I think that's sometimeswhere people are like, oh, well,
I didn't decide.
Well, you know, by not makinga choice, we are still
making a choice, even if maybeyou're not quite ready to
to own it.
Like you said, it's stilla choice.
(38:58):
Yeah.
And accountabilityis hard, right.
And and for me, you know,one of the life changing moments
when I was in prison was,so I had kind of gotten
I had charges out of multiplecounties, so they sent me to
jail here.
I was there for four months,kind of going through trial and
all of that.
And so not trial, but just courtand, you know, finally took
(39:20):
a deal.
And I thought I was goingfrom the one county to the
other one.
Well, they loaded meup and sent me to prison.
And I was like, hey, like,I just came from over
there and like, why didn'tyou just take me there?
Oh, that's not all.
We're going to we're goingto wait for you to get out.
And then you're.
And I was like, no, that'swhy would you do that?
(39:40):
That doesn't make any sense.
So I had to write lettersto the DA's and all these people
to get them to movemy stuff along.
Well, when I got to the othercounty, they're like,
hey, we got a deal worked outwith the attorneys you're going
to do, you're out, y'all.
I was getting out in April ofthis was like 2017.
I was like, sweet, let's go.
(40:02):
And then got to sentencing.
And the judge is just like,yeah, no one no, no.
He's like, you sold 100 poundsof pot over the course of the
last year in my county.
You can go screw yourself,big guy.
And and, you're going to prisonfor a while, and he sentence me
to, like, six years or somethingwith a little bit suspended.
So I'm walking in to thiscourtroom that day, like,
(40:24):
go give him the little spiel.
And, you know, I acceptresponsibility for my actions.
Da da dah.
See you in April.
And, yeah.
Then you get a date.
That's three more years outin the future with none
of the time I didn't get creditfor any of the eight months
I had already been in fromthis judge.
So all that time that I justspent was worth absolutely
(40:46):
nothing.
Was worth nothing now.
And it was that, humbled again.
Yeah. Right.
Right. Yeah.
I've never had my heart sinklike that.
And it it made me commiteven harder at that point.
And thank God that I did right,because I would have never
changed my ways.
I would have never met my wife,because she wasn't, you know,
(41:06):
it would have it would havechanged my entire timeline.
Right.
So I don't I don't begrudgethe judge for what he did.
I don't begrudge the attorneysfor, you know, kind of
being that I ended up getting asentence modification,
which shortened the back end ofmy sentence a little bit
because I got a new judge.
Thank God that other onehad retired.
But I was already doing thingsto better my life.
(41:31):
And, you know, the newjudge with the new attorney
was able to see thatand to give me a little bit of,
of grace, which, I didn't get,you know, it's not God's
grace that I got.
It was human grace that said,hey, buddy, we see you.
You're doing the right things.
Now.
We're going to we're goingto give you another year
of spending with your kidsto you and talk about a gift.
(41:54):
Wow.
Yeah.
And speaking of that, I knowyou mentioned, that like your
daughter, that you weren'tyou didn't get to be present for
some of those.
And I imagine there weremilestones that you missed
in, in your kid's life.
And I would love to know if,if you're okay, kind of
chatting about the dadside of things, of what
(42:15):
it's like when you missthose things, like what's
what's the thought process,what was going on for you
in those moments when whenyou're kind of missing out
on some of those things?
Yeah.
I haven't seen, I didn't seeany of my kids take their
first steps.
Right.
Yeah, I, I didn't I, I missedall of that.
I missed all of that.
That baby time holding them.
My my middle boy.
Which is funny becausebiologically, he's not.
(42:37):
I mean, he's my son,I will never we don't talk
like that here.
All of the kids know that.
They're half brothersand sisters and that, you know,
blood isn't what makes usfamily, right?
Yeah.
It has nothing.
Nothing to do with it.
It's.
It's a little bit of geneticcode.
It's all good.
We're family because we'recommitted to each other.
Right. And.
And my wife is your motherbecause she committed
(42:59):
at 22 years old to raising youkids.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's, you know.
Yeah, yeah, it's goingto eat at me my whole life.
And, and I think I thank Godthat I have an opportunity
with my current wifethat, you know, we've obviously
talked about childrenin our future.
She's going to school right nowand our life is a little crazy.
(43:21):
But a few years from nowwhen we're talking about,
you know, not startinganother family, but adding
to this family and addingour, our own child and thinking
about finally getting to beand have that that, you know,
the leave it to Beaverfamily moment, right where maybe
all of that was gone.
And it's not that it's going tobe perfect, but that we're able
(43:44):
to bring this childinto this world together and
and to kind of experiencewhat so many other people
experience with theirfirst child.
Right.
Because it will be my wife'sfirst, you know, physically, her
whole blood and just seeing herwith our cat, who we got,
back in October, she's goingto be such a good mom.
Right. So.
(44:04):
And not that she's nota good mom to our kids,
but it's just it's different.
And seeing her with the catwas like, oh, you're different.
Seeing her with her niecesis you're going to be different
with our own child,and I'm going to be different.
All of my children that wehave now, these three were all
born under duress, understress, under all of these
(44:25):
really bad situations.
And that I we're buildinga life now to where, you know,
our youngest child,we'll probably have more
than one more to.
I told her our luck is we'lltalk about having one more,
and then you'll have tripletsor something crazy like.
But, you know thatbuilding a life that's
conducive to this child having ablessed and the perfect
(44:50):
life, right?
Not that it's perfectby any means, but closer to
what most other kidsget to grow up in than what
your current children havebeen raised in.
Yeah. Wow.
Okay, so as we as we close,one of the questions I love to
ask my guests and hopefully,are you familiar with back to
the future?
(45:10):
You back to the future, kid?
Oh, yeah.
Okay. Okay.
So it seems as if youhad access to a Delorean.
Is there a particular agethat you would want
to go back to for yourselfand offer yourself not to
change things, but offeryourself some words,
or maybe even just a hug?
What age would you go back toand what would you offer to
(45:32):
so little Baba?
You're going to make it.
I know, I know, it hurts, right?
And I would have to go backto sometime between 1314
years old when everythingwith my dad and his new lover,
current wife,they're still together,
so we get to relive thatall the time.
That's really fun.
And to just be like, you'regoing to make it right.
(45:55):
You're it's going to be okay.
And and not that it's going tobe easy.
It's going to suck.
And that's okay. Yeah.
You know, that's okay becauseit's going to make
you it's going to make yousomeone who can, can pull
other people out fromtheir own stuff.
And to give some perspectiveand honestly, the life
that I've lived is made me intothe podcaster that I am now.
(46:19):
The reason I'm good at what I dois because, one I'm unafraid
to share about myself,which gets other people
to open up right and to.
I've got more perspectivethan you could probably have
an entire gym full of peoplethat couldn't give you all the
different perspectivesthat I'm able to twist around
and to relate to people.
So yeah, buddy, it's goingto suck.
(46:41):
It's not going to be easy.
You probably don't need to doas many drugs as you're
going to do, but you're going tomake it.
And I think having made itthat that's still the same fuel
that gets me up every dayis that we're making it,
and now we get to be a beaconand a lighthouse for other
people that are inevitablygoing through.
(47:02):
Maybe not my same situation,but going through
their own stuff.
And they feel alone right now,and they feel like it's
never going to endand it's never going to
get better.
And I want to be the personthat goes it will it, it will.
And I'm not comparingmy my trauma to your trauma,
but it does get better.
But it starts with personalaccountability.
(47:22):
It starts inside of youto say, I'm going to make
better choices.
Yes, these thingshappened to me.
What now?
Yeah, I love that.
Gosh.
Okay. Bye bye.
Thank you so much for beingwilling to to join us, to chat
with us.
So, so really and and unfilteredreally isn't really a word,
(47:43):
but we're I'm going tomake it one.
And I'm so excited.
So I've got all my stuff and mycrock pot and it's all mixed up.
How long do you normally letthis do you for?
So we usually crank it on highto let it get cooking for
like two hours, and thenwe'll sort of down the low
and let that thing simmerfor another, you know, three,
four hours so that it's readyfor supper.
(48:04):
I'm always dipping in for alittle lunch.
We'll usually get it going inthe morning.
So as soon as it's warm.
My wife likes it with noodles.
She grew up where they putmacaroni noodles in, so I prefer
my chili with cheese and justin a bowl and maybe with some
crackers or chips.
So I'm always dipping in earlyand grabbing a bowl for lunch.
But then by supper time,you it's just, And then
(48:27):
it's even better on day two.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'm.
I will have it.
It will be simmering all day.
I'm sure it'll fill the housewith lots of yummy smells.
So excited for anybody who isinterested in connecting
with you and, any servicesthat you're wanting to to plug,
this is our shamelessplug section, so please
plug away.
(48:48):
I feel like the wholeepisode was a shameless plug.
I have, I have the same the sameprojects as my podcast network.
We are empowering creators to domore of that.
We're trying to figure outthe business side for podcasters
so that they don't haveto worry about, you know,
if they want to turn itinto something, that's a true
(49:11):
business and not just a hobby,that we can provide
some framework for that.
You can find all the informationat the Scene projects.com.
I know it's on the screen onhow to spell everything.
There.
And yeah, just start there, jointhe email list and get
into our world.
And then from there you'll getintroduced to some of my music.
We didn't talk about muchabout my music career besides
(49:33):
being the gringo, but, yeah,you'll find out more about me
and more about, you know, whatwe're doing.
And what we're going to continueto do.
We do all kinds of live eventsduring the year.
How I started podcastingwas to support my music
community.
So you'll find a lotof interviews with independent
music artists, but also nowa lot of podcasters and other
(49:56):
business owners and reallyjust anyone that I find,
you know, interesting or anybodythat's got some skeletons
in their closet they're tryingto clear out.
They can come on.
One of our shows we mentionedGet Better Together project.
That's why it's thesame projects is because
each one is similar to thisshow, is a project of its own,
and each one kind of servesa different purpose.
(50:17):
And but we're just trying totrying to pull back the veil.
Right.
You know, people, especiallyin our generation, and that's
most of our listenersare in that 25 to 44 range.
You know, we've all beenthrough a lot.
You've been through a lot.
And we just want to be able toto give you a safe space to
talk about it and to hopefullywalk away feeling a little bit
(50:38):
better than you. Did.
You know, an hour ago.
Wonderful.
I love that, and as always,everyone will have all of those
links down in our show notesto check that out.
Thank you again for beingwilling to come on to
chat with me today.
I so appreciate it and thank youeveryone for tuning in.
Make sure to come backnext time.
We'll see you then.
(50:59):
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
(51:19):
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
(51:41):
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eat!
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.