October 14, 2025 • 52 mins
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Parenting coach and mom of four Dana Parisi joins Reesa to share her family’s favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole recipe—and the real-life challenges of parenting through adoption, trauma, and busy schedules. Tune in for practical cooking tips and an honest conversation about building resilience and support as caregivers.
In this episode:
- Easy steps and pro tips for making a family-friendly Tuna Noodle Casserole ("Tuna Noodle Stinkle")
- Navigating the adoption process, its unpredictability, and its impact on family dynamics
- Dana’s journey from physical therapist to parent coach supporting families of kids with trauma and neurodiversities
- The real struggles of parenting, including meltdowns, embarrassment, and the importance of building your village
- Insights on self-care, vulnerability, and reframing discipline to meet kids’ underlying needs
Get more support from Dana at livestouchcoaching.com and check out the linked resources.
From Dana:
Dana is a mom of 4 (2 biological and 2 adopted) and through her own parenting journey, was humbled to realize she needed more parenting tools in her tool belt. This started a path that eventually led to her supporting other parents through parent coaching. Dana is passionate about working with families of kids who have persistent challenging behaviors as a result of early life trauma, neuro-diversity or mental health struggles.
Connect:
https://www.livestouchedcoaching.com/#/
https://www.instagram.com/dana.parisi/
https://www.facebook.com/livestouched
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dana-parisi-157758210/
______
Tuna Noodle Casserole
15 oz macaroni or corkscrew noodles cooked and drained
10 oz chopped frozen broccoli thawed
1-2 tsp minced onion
1 can cream of broccoli (or celery) soup
1 can broccoli cheese soup
1.5 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 large can tuna, rinsed and drained
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
Mix together, put into a buttered casserole dish
back at 375 degrees for 45 minutes.
* add crunched up chips on top, cheddar ruffle potato chips are are favorite
* add hot sauce if you like it spicy!
******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I think had it been really easy.
I might have skipped the ideaof adopting because
it's a lot easierin a lot of ways to have a
biological child than to adopt.
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
(00:23):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! Welcome backeveryone.
(00:46):
Thanks so much for joiningus again.
I'm excited for today's episode,and I'm excited for you
to try out this recipe too.
I have the wonderful Dana herejoining us.
Hi, Dana.
Thanks so much for being a gueston The Real Family Eats
Thank you for having me.
Yes, absolutely.
Okay, so for anybody who doesn'tknow you, can you
introduce yourself for us? Yeah.
(01:08):
Thank you.
My name is Dana Parisi,and I always start
by telling people that I'ma mom of four kids.
And I know it's not all thatI am, but it's pretty much
the most important jobthat I do.
So I'm a mom of four.
I have two biological kidsand then two kids who joined
our family through adoption.
And then because of that shiftin our family, I changed
focus from being a physicaltherapist, which is a career
(01:30):
I loved.
And, really because of myown journey and learning
that I had to do,I went to doing parent coaching.
So I support parents that areparenting kids that have
some persistent, challengingbehaviors.
My real passion is to helpfamilies of kids
have experienced some trauma,whether that's through adoption
or foster care journeys or earlylife experiences that a lot
(01:54):
of the families I work withalso have kids who have,
neurodiversity, like autismor ADHD or are dealing
with mental health struggles.
So that's what I doas my business.
I absolutely love what I do.
But it's also reallyimportant to me
that my business, this is partof my life because my mom job is
the top of my priority.
(02:15):
Yes.
And I imagine there's a lotof listeners out there that can
absolutely relate.
And it's it's a full timejob in itself.
Right.
And so it's reallywhat we're doing multiple times
when you've got the parentinghat on as well.
Okay.
So tell us a little bit beforewe get into more of your story,
(02:38):
what recipe are you sharing withour parents today
and why did you choose this one?
Yes. Okay.
So we are doing a tunanoodle casserole, which my
family calls tuna noodle Cinco,which is an affectionate name.
You know, it's kind of funnyif you've ever read the Jimmy
B Jones. Books.
There's a book in there, and shetalks about a casserole
(02:58):
and she calls it Tuna Stengeland we've taken it from that.
So even though everyoneloves it, that's the name
that we call it.
And so this is, you know,if you have multiple kids
in your home, finding a recipethat pretty much everyone likes
is like one of thosecalled gems.
And this is a recipe that's afamily favorite.
All four of my kidsand my husband and I enjoy it.
(03:19):
And it's pretty easyto make like by the time
work is done, I can wrap it upand have it ready in time
before sports activity starts.
Fantastic.
And you're so right.
And that's part of, you know,the goal behind combining
this podcast with like,you know, an informal pretend
cooking show becauselike you said, trying to
(03:40):
kind of find what are we goingto have for dinner?
That's just one more thingon a plate.
I'm very full plate that manyparents have.
And so you're so spot on in thatit's really helpful
when you've got a coupleof things in your back pocket
that you know your family isgoing to love, and that's going
to kind of nourish everybodyand get you moving.
(04:01):
Yes, absolutely.
Yes.
And it's got hidden vegetables,but not even hidden there in the
vegetables in there and gota little something everything,
a little bit of everything.
Perfect. Okay.
So speaking of, can you tell mekind of an overview of what
I'm putting in here, the stepsand I can get mixing and cooking
while we chat.
(04:22):
Perfect.
That sounds great.
Okay, so the first thingyou're going to want to do
is get some noodles boilingand some boiling some water.
The recipe I thinksays corkscrew, but my kids
have decided they'relike shells.
Like those little pasta shellsis their favorite format.
We've also use, like, a littleelbow macaroni as, like, pastas
for it.
So any little pasta shapethat you like, you're going
(04:42):
to want to start boiling that.
And then we're goingto be draining the canned tuna.
And I like to rinseit really good so it doesn't
smell too much like tuna.
So drain it really well.
And then I usually do,some frozen broccoli,
like broccoli flowers thatthe flowers that are frozen.
I do that in the microwave.
So those are the thingsthat I would get started.
(05:04):
And then we just open up acouple cans of soup.
Cheesy broccoli soup,and then either
cream of broccoli or creamof celery, whichever one
you can find.
And then there's some cheddarcheese in there and some onion,
either nice enough or just usethe dried minced onion, which is
super easy.
(05:24):
And that's that.
Those are the main thingsin there, a little salt
and pepper and somecheddar cheese.
Wonderful.
And then we mix it all upand put it in that casserole
and put it in the oven.
Cracks. Exactly.
We're going to mix the,noodles once they're cooked
and drained with the tuna,the strains and then
the broccoli, we're goingto chop it up a little bit finer
so that, you know,any of your kids who don't like
(05:46):
a giant chunk of broccoliwill hardly notice it.
You can cut it upa little smaller, then mix it
with those two cans of soup and,salt and pepper, cheese.
Yeah.
And then it just goesright into a casserole dish
and bake it.
And I have found that ifwe cover it with tinfoil
once baking, the noodlesdon't get too crunchy and hard
(06:09):
and they'll stay kind of soft.
So that's what we'll do.
And then we put chipson top of it, which makes it,
you know, a family favorite.
So you put the chips on beforeyou begin.
You bake it with the chipson it.
Actually, we wait until it'sall baked and we just
put the chips on our individualservings.
We found this by trialand error, because if
you put all the chips on it,then when you microwave it
(06:31):
later, you know, leftovers,the chips get all soggy.
So we just reject the chipsand the individual serving.
And some of my kids like to addsome hot sauce to, okay,
so many pro chips in therewith your aluminum foil and your
your chips onindividual portions
so you don't have to microwave.
So I love it.
I can actually do that.
(06:52):
In fact I've I've got my tuna,my noodles already boiled
and okay, for anybodywho is watching um.com for,
for me because I knowthat my noodles got a
little overcooked when I boiledthem this morning.
That's the reality of parenting.
I looked away for what felt likea hot second to take something.
(07:14):
They went over, so I knowthat they are.
Please don't judge me.
Don't come for mein the comments.
But I going I get mixingwith what I have here.
Okay, so while I'm doingall of this, I'd love to know
a little bit about kindof your journey.
You know, especially with,like you said, you've got two
(07:35):
biological children and thenyou've got two more
through adoption.
And I'd love for you to talka little bit more about
that adoption process and whatthat's like, because I know
there's a lot of listenersout there that can
probably relate, and it's a verydifferent journey than,
you know what?
Maybe you're averageBeaver Cleaver kind of would
(07:55):
walk through.
And so I'd love to know kind ofyour experience and what
that was like for you and,and how you navigated that.
Yeah.
That's, that's aloaded question.
Thank you for asking that.
You know, my experience aretwo adoptions were two separate
adoptions.
So, four years apart.
And I think one of the biggestchallenges about adoption
(08:17):
is that you don't knowwhat time frame, like with my
biological kids.
You assume it's going to belike nine months of
being pregnant.
So you think, you know,you got that time frame of mind.
So my biological kidswere actually each born
two months early, which had itsown trials to it.
And that was a very scary time.
But our adoption processeswere very undetermined
amount of time.
And there were a lot of momentswhere really we had done
(08:41):
all the steps that we could dofor the adoption.
There's all this paperwork andall these documents
you have to have, you know,you do your home study
and there's a lot of boxesto check.
And when you get done with allthose boxes, it feels like now
it should just happen.
And, you know, you should beable to their parents
in this child.
And sometimes it happens fast.
But in our situationsit was very slow and just
(09:04):
kind of trusting the processand waiting.
And it was really hard for us.
And then, you know, our familydynamics changes, like with
any child that comes intoyour family, whether it's
a biological child or throughadoption or foster care,
dynamics are alwaysgoing to change when
that happens.
And one of the fearsthat we had going into adoption
(09:25):
was, I remember my husbandsaying, like, I'm just
worried that we're going torock the boat because things
are kind of settled out with ourtwo children that we had
in the home, like they'restarting school.
And, you know, we kind of hadsome rhythm and it
just felt like, oh, do we reallywant to change the dynamics
and add one more person to it?
And of course, I'mglad that we did.
(09:46):
But the book rocks arereally are both of our
family life really got rockedthrough our processes?
Yeah.
Can you tell mea little bit more for for
you folks?
How did you cometo that decision, like you
said, that, you know, if there'sany of that kind of hey, we're
we're kind of findingour footing maybe a little bit
(10:06):
or at least findingwhat our normal looks like.
Right.
And then, like you said,to kind of come to that
decision and, and say, you know,could I was about maybe
but this is something thatwe really want.
Can you talk to me a little bitmore about kind of how you guys
came to the decision?
Yeah.
And I think every familycomes to it through
their own means.
But for us, my husbandand I both, prior
(10:28):
to even meeting each other,kind of felt called to adopt.
And I don't know if that's partof our faith tradition.
Just recognizing that Godadopted us into his family and,
you know, wanting tolove on others.
So it was kind ofin our mindset, to consider it.
And then I really think,practicality wise, had our
(10:49):
biological pregnanciesnot been so challenging and,
premature birth.
And we were in the hospitalwith our preemies,
for several weeks with each kid.
That's a really scary time.
And and kind of fun.
Really easy.
I might have skipped the ideaof adopting because
it's a lot easierin a lot of ways to have a
biological child than to adopt,like the process is, is
(11:13):
more predictable.
There's I don't know, it'san answer.
There's more in your control.
There's always things outof our control, but the time
frame is more predictable.
So I think that thatfact that we still wanted
to grow our family and I wasn'treally interested in,
risking another premature baby,kind of encouraged us to take
the chance.
(11:34):
But also, there was justa strong belief that kids
need parents.
You know, kids really needparents in an orphanage
system is not the same asbeing in a home.
Like a permanent homewhere parents are going to love
and care for them.
Yeah.
So that was kind of our pushingover the over the decision line.
(11:54):
And like you said, I think thatmakes so much sense, especially
if having, you know, experience,like you said, some
some challenges just with thewith your biological
children and, you know, knowingkind of having that duality of
I would like to have more,but that was a really
scary place to be.
And I can absolutely appreciatewhere they had me a lot
(12:15):
of hesitations to kind ofgo back in there because
you said you they wereboth premature.
Did I hear you correctly?
Yeah, yeah.
They're 17 months apart in ageand they were both two
months early.
But the, the second oldest, I,you know, like everyone
had their pregnancy stories,but I went into labor
at 24 weeks and thenhad to go on bedrest until
she was born.
(12:36):
And at that point, 30,almost 33 weeks she was born.
So that's not a fun time.
Yeah.
And especially if that'skind of your your induction
into kind of parenthood in yourfirst experience, I imagine
that's incredibly scaryto kind of go through that.
Yeah.
But I'm so glad I'm, you know,I'm really glad all the pieces
(12:57):
came the way they did.
You know, we adoptedour third child in our family.
We adopted it, and thenwe decided to do it again.
So we have, you know, four kidsand boy, it's hard.
It is hard to havemultiple kids.
You know, the differentpersonality and the
different ways that theyinteract.
It's beautiful and chaoticand I wouldn't trade it,
(13:18):
but quite like I don't thinkI expected parenting to be quite
so hard when I, you know, waspre parenting.
Yeah.
Can you say a little bitmore about that as far as like
maybe what you had in yourmind's eye and, and where did
some of that construct foryou come from.
Yeah, that's a good question.
(13:39):
I think I think my parentswould agree with this, that
I was a pretty easykid to parents, and I was one of
four kids.
Okay.
I think I was just like the rulefollower, and I really didn't
want to rock the boat.
I just wanted to dowhat was right, you know?
Yeah, just just get alongand follow the rules.
So I think I was a pretty easykid, and I had both.
(14:02):
I think I had the false ideathat my kids would be pretty
easy kids.
And I know, you know, maybeI should have married
someone who was more easy.
Maybe I could blame that.
I.
But yeah, it definitely wasmore challenging.
And then as we had differentdynamics, you know, and our kids
who joined our familythrough adoption, they had some
(14:24):
trauma in their historyand a lot of losses.
That's one of the thingsabout adoption is that,
you know, we always picturethe beautiful part of, you know,
a family coming together.
But before a familycomes together through adoption,
a family was lostor broken apart through some
combination of circumstancesand some traumas.
And so, you know,every kid that, joins a family
(14:46):
through adoption has experiencedloss, whether they remember it
or not.
And that, even thoughwe were prepared with, like,
our adoption preparation stuffto understand, early life trauma
and losses, I don't thinkI really had the concept
that it would be as hardas it five.
(15:09):
Can you say a little bitmore about that?
Yeah. So when our first adoptionwent through, that's a daughter
went to her daughtersand she was two when she joined
our family.
So she was fairly young,you know, a lot of a lot of
brain formationand understanding of the world
(15:29):
and how safe things areis already formed.
A lot of that has been formedin those first two years.
But I think we kind of takefor granted with our
biological kids and howwe how crucial those time
periods are, how much brainis forming.
Yeah.
So anyways, you know,we know that she experienced
a lot of losses and didn'thave the same attachments to us
(15:52):
as kids who were borninto our family.
Totally was feeling preparedfor that.
But what we found is,when things were challenging
was just either really bigexplosive behaviors, from our
daughter or like retaliatingkind of behaviors
against siblings.
Like, we have one family legendsstory called the Lego Massacre.
(16:15):
We call it oh my goodness,tell me more.
I know it sounds reallydramatic, but so at the time
our two daughterswere four years apart in age.
We're sharing a bedroomand we in order to kind of
get the older daughterwho was like a kindergartner
at that point, a little space.
They had bunk beds.
And so the older daughterhad the higher bunk bed,
and she had someshelves up there where she
(16:37):
could keep her special thingsthat were like, just for her,
that weren't to be shared.
And that was really, really hardfor the two year old who
had just joined our familyto have things that were off
limits.
And, you know, I think therewas some struggle to share
attention and all of that.
Well, one day the two year oldgot up on this ladder
(16:59):
and this is like not a normalbunk bed.
Ladder was a pretty steep.
It was a pretty high loft.
And just this ruinedLego village.
It was like all of this cute,like little Lego City things,
you know, the ice creamparlors and, my five year old
who kind of painstakinglycreated and was in
her safe spot.
And so she came in one dayand it was just destroyed on
(17:20):
her bed.
Lego City, Lego City Massacre,and so things like that just
added to the dynamics of somesome sibling sibling dynamics
and some resentments.
And, it's just what I found iswhen behaviors came up
in our home, like our childwas having a big meltdown,
(17:42):
which happened a lot.
I just felt like the dominoeswould fall in the house.
And then like, child oneis having a big meltdown
and then another childgets upset about that, has their
own meltdown.
Another child has theiropinions about how different
children are being parentsand and whether we're being firm
enough or not.
And then that childis having issues.
(18:03):
I mean, I just felt like,everything kind of imploded
when one child startedstruggling.
Does that make sense?
Yes, absolutely.
And I'm so curious for you,especially in those moments
when, like you said, there'sthere's lots of meltdowns
that are happening, everyonestruggling with really
big things and what'sgoing on for you as a parent
(18:25):
and kind of in your mind.
And how are you feeling or whatare you feeling
in those moments?
Yeah.
I mean, I think in ourhardest season, our hardest
kind of parenting year.
And this is what tippedthe scale to like, get some more
help, really, and understandunderstanding our family.
(18:45):
I think the hardest season,we just didn't know how
to approach it.
You know, my husband, I wouldtalk to him about what
was going on in the house.
He was working long hoursand he actually wasn't present
for most of it.
I felt like I was doinga lot of it or most of it alone.
And then I would hear from him.
Well, you know, you needto be firmer.
You need to take things away.
You need to have a biggerconsequence.
(19:06):
You know, you need to trythis way.
And I remember feelinglike I'm trying all of
the things.
I'm trying to be firmer.
I'm trying to be more connected.
I'm trying to be, you know,more intentional with quality
one on one time.
I'm trying, but I'm tryingto, like, remove special
privileges to let them knowthat there are consequences.
And pretty much all ofthe things I was trying
(19:27):
were not working.
So I felt really, really aloneduring that period of time.
And I also remember just noteven really talking some like
my closest friends about it,because I felt embarrassed
about the fact that we justcould not figure it out,
like I felt like we had.
There was a timewhere I felt like I was living
(19:47):
with a terrorist, you know?
I just never knew.
And another meltdown wouldcome out.
And then sometimes the meltdownswere physically like,
attacking me or tryingto hurt me when things were
going wrong.
And it just felt reallyembarrassing, like,
how am I not able to figurethis out?
(20:08):
And hurt my kids?
It was hard, and it was hardto be honest with people
about how much we werestruggling. Yeah.
And you mentioned kind of thisembarrassment and and I've
heard that from, from somany parents.
Can you say a little bitmore for you?
Kind of what was your braintrying to convince you of
(20:28):
in those moments that ifI did reach out to these people,
if I didn't share it, like what?
What was maybe the thoughtsor thoughts that were coming up
that was kind of leading,like you said, to some of that
embarrassment or, or or feelinglike that, that might be
the case that I would feelembarrassed because ABC,
I think part of it was that,I had the impression that people
(20:51):
thought we were kind of perfect,you know, which maybe was just
my impression.
But, you know, from the outsidelooking in, it was like,
oh, what a great family.
You know, like, I think it looksperfect now because I
was posting all the right thingsnecessarily on social media,
but people just, I thoughthad that impression.
(21:13):
And so I think it fell hard toburst that bubble.
Yeah.
People know that it wasn't,you know, perfect.
And I also I thinkthat embarrassed because,
you know, it wasn'tmy first time being a parent.
This is my third childthat, you know, things
got rougher.
Really actually, after ourfourth adoption
(21:34):
when my attention was that,well, our fourth child, second
adoption attention was that muchmore divided, and my energy
was that much lower,where I kind of really ran
out of steam.
But I felt like it should bean experience enough parents
to be able to figure it out.
So, like, I felt likeI should be able to do this
on my own.
Like, this is parenting has beenaround forever and I
(21:54):
should be able to do iton my own.
But yeah, I don't think anyoneever told me I should feel
that way.
It just was a false,you know, a false narrative that
I had.
And I think that's somethingthat I can absolutely relate
to that, you know,I've even heard
from other folks, like yousaid, that maybe it's
not something that someone'sdirectly kind of coming to you
(22:15):
and saying you have to do italone.
However, somehow it's stillis very pervasive kind of in
our communities, in our societythat that does leave
so many parents, like you said,the kind of feeling I have
to do this alone and I have tofigure this out, which is, gosh,
absolutely isolating, especiallybecause these kids don't come
(22:37):
with manuals like and each kid,you know, needs their own,
their own thing.
Right.
What manual doesn'tnecessarily work for the
other child?
And so, you know,I can appreciate where,
like you said, that maybe it'snot someone directly
saying that, but somehowit's getting out into
(22:58):
the community that that'skind of almost an expectation.
Yeah.
And why is that?
Because, you know, when youwere saying that reason,
I was just thinking aboutthe scene that's out there.
You know, we hear itall the time.
It takes a villageto raise a kid.
Everyone's heard thatsaying, but I don't know
that we really take thatto hearts.
You know, we don't really havea village necessarily.
(23:22):
Yeah.
And I think that's sucha good point because I
have heard that saying toand I think so much of it
goes, you know, you go outand even though maybe some
people aren't necessarilywhen your kids having that
meltdown in the grocery store,I don't know if that's ever
happened to you,I definitely have it has
happened to me definitely hashappened to me.
Right.
(23:42):
And, you know, thereprobably are some people
in there that are not judgingand are like, oh my goodness,
you know, been there.
I've seen that.
I know how hard that is.
At the same time, there arevery much real things
that people are sitting there,you know, giving you the look or
muttering under their breath.
(24:03):
And so, like you said, insteadof offering that, hey,
how can I, can I help youright now?
Can I, like, grab your stuffso that you can go wrangle that
that child that's likerunning out the door?
That there is more often thannot kind of just people kind of
walking on by.
And so I think, like you said,we're we're not necessarily
(24:24):
taking that whole it takesa village to heart
and demonstrating that I thinkkind of firsthand in our
communities, at least that's mymy personal opinion on it.
Yeah.
No, I think that's right.
Like, you know, if weif we really had that village
mentality, we wouldmaybe have like our sister
in the store as well,or our cousin or a grandma
(24:45):
or someone who would be ableto step in and like, maybe even
provide practical help,you know, like in that moment.
And so if we don't livein a community with all of
our kin around which I don't,we have to kind of be
more intentional about creatingour community.
And, you know, maybe it'snot just biological family,
(25:05):
but creating, you know, if youfriendships where we are
more transparent and real aboutthe struggles and can even ask
for some practical assistancewhen something comes up
and I yeah, you mentioneda couple times in there
practical assistance.
Can you tell mea little bit more about why
why you made sure to kindof clarify the type
(25:26):
of resistance that.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I thinkbecause like you said, you know,
there's lots of booksthat we feel like we're getting
from people.
I remember I remember thatin the church, you know, church
in churches that were maybe lesswelcoming to busy actors,
little kids in the pews.
But we ended up looking for adifferent church
(25:47):
because of that, because Ijust felt like we got stared at
and like the mumblesand grumbles as I tried to,
you know, ration out thegoldfish crackers to keep my
very active, you know, sonwith ADHD clients in the pew
without making too much ofa distraction.
So that's not practical.
Help.
Now, when I think abouttime periods where I just
(26:09):
felt like it was too muchon my plate and I had a meltdown
to manage, and I alsohad a child who needed
to get to swim practiceor something practical.
Help me be someone thatI could call and say,
are you able to bring,you know, child one it's a swim
practice.
Will I manage what'sgoing on here so they don't
have to bring the meltdownwith me in the car
(26:31):
and, you know, take itwith me to swim practice.
That's I guess that's athat's picture of that
practical.
Like, who could actually step inand lend a hand and take
something from another parent'sshoulders? Yeah.
I think that makesso much sense.
Is that because I heardyou mentioned, you know,
you don't necessarily havefor yourself maybe, kin that are
(26:53):
kind of nearby.
And so you mentioned kind ofbeing intentional about building
that community.
That you could kind of turnto someone and like
you said, ask for some of thatpractical assistance.
Is that something that you havebeen able to find,
or is that still a strugglethat you're kind of navigating
that?
(27:13):
No, I definitely have found it.
And I in one of my well, in thatreally tough parenting season,
I realized I neededto be outside more, and I needed
to keep my mental health in lineby being more active,
which is always something Ihad learned.
It was hard to carve outthe time for, so I ended up
joining a women's running group.
I honestly was not a runner likereally did not care for running
(27:37):
as exercise.
I came to love it.
I absolutely love running now.
But I joined it really just tohave something on my schedule
that my family recognizedas like a mom time away
from the house and I couldget outside and connect
with some people.
And so that group,provided a lot of
(27:57):
outlets for me.
But then as I got a little bitmore, a lot more vulnerable
about real life in theparenting world, you know,
the good, there's lots ofgood things that are happening,
but also the real struggles.
That's when some very deepfriendships forms.
And it really came out of mebeing more transparent
and honest about,quite honestly, the harder
(28:20):
parts is what bringpeople together is sharing
the honesty about thehard parts.
Wow.
And that's such a different kindof going back to what may be,
you know, or communityor society, whatever kind
of perpetuates.
So to have that opposite thatin fact, when I did
get vulnerable, it actuallyhelped deepen my relationships.
(28:44):
That's, that's just such adifferent maybe take on, on
some of these things that do gettalked about maybe a little bit
more often of keepingsome of that stuff inside
or like so we don'ttalk about that.
Yeah.
No, I think you're right.
And I think, you know, I wouldalways say you have to be
choosy.
I'm sure you would tell peopleto like, get to be choosy about
(29:05):
who you're going to shareor to be vulnerable with.
It can't be everyone.
And I wouldn't necessarily thinklike social media platforms
are the ideal place to besuper vulnerable about
all of that.
You know, the tough stuff.
But, you know, picking 1or 2 friends to start with.
And, I think people would besurprised if they lead with
(29:25):
vulnerability with their ownlife, how their relationship
deepens.
Wow. Yeah.
Was that a difficult placefor you to get to, to allow,
like you said, some of thatvulnerability?
Or was it like onceyou found kind of your people
that kind of came morenaturally?
(29:47):
That really good question.
I think for me, because wewere meeting regularly
for running and somethingabout running, like I didn't
think at the beginningit would be possible to have
a conversation while you runfive miles.
You know, like, how can you bereading and having
a conversation, but as you getbetter at it, that is totally
what happens.
And there's something soothingto the brain.
(30:09):
And like the nervous systemabout having that repetitive
movement running that makes iteasier to talk about hard
things, I think.
And so instead of it being like,hey, let me unload all of these
hard things on you and one,you know, our therapy session
or something, and it's more oflike a sprinkling of little
challenges throughoutvarious runs.
And over that kindof sprinkling, of sharing
(30:32):
a snapshot of some of the hardparts of our reality, along with
the good parts that over timeis what really created
some friendships that made that.
How is it that.
Absolutely.
And, you know, I thinkthat makes tons of sense,
especially because,you know, I'm when we are
(30:52):
on that exercise piece,there are those kind of natural,
happy, good, chemicals ofthose endorphins that are,
are flowing through our body,which are important when,
when creating some of thatsafety and security.
You mentioned earlier kindof secure attachments and,
the different attachments Iwas with, with your children
and especially, those that aremaybe coming, like you said,
(31:15):
with, with their own traumathat, that those,
can create some,some attachments, styles,
if you will.
And so part of creating some ofthat safety, like you said, is,
is some of those safety signals,which I think that makes a
ton of sense, that if you'realready kind of in it
and your brain's feeling good,and it's people like you said
(31:37):
that maybe you've, you've metwith there's you're getting
safety signals from them.
You're getting thesafety signals, you know, that
your brain is feelinga little bit more relaxed just
in the seat of, you know,getting the running, getting the
exercise, those extraendorphin booth where,
like you said, maybe itdoes feel a little bit, maybe
(31:59):
accessible in those moments,to, to get there and then
like you said, thatat that point because you're,
you maybe have an outlet,it doesn't feel like I have to
just like trauma dump all inone one.
Right.
But, you know, if there'skind of a and, maybe a
consistency there that it doesfeel like.
(32:22):
Yeah, you know, that's I'm ableto kind of talk about,
like you said, both of thesethings and see.
Yeah, there is a lotof great stuff.
There's a whole lot of hardstuff.
And it's okay to talkabout both.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
I think you're right.
I'm curious, can you talka little bit more kind of
(32:42):
going back to, some of thatgoing along that line of
the attachment you mentionedkind of each one of your,
your kids that, change you.
Yeah.
It's option that they kind ofhave their own stories
and their own traumasthat they've encountered.
And so what has beenyour experience now kind of
(33:07):
looking out, zooming out,if you will?
In kind of what helpedyou be able to show up
and, support, supportyour children and working
through some of those thingsthat I think naturally, like
you said, if they'recoming from this,
this experience that did causesome hurts and some pains,
(33:30):
it's only natural that theyprobably do have some bags
that they're coming intothe family with.
And so, you know,how did you find, that
you were able to kind of workthrough that or things that were
helpful?
Yeah, that's a good question.
I would say I had kind of when Igot serious about figuring
(33:50):
things out and gettingsome help, I had a multi-pronged
approach.
And I look when I lookretrospectively at it,
in the moments I don't thinkI felt like I had any approach,
but I got caught from,a parent coach who was informed
in trauma, and that was a veryhumbling experience
for me to like, get that help,you know, to I really felt
(34:11):
like by asking or seeking outthat help, I was basically
admitting to being a flawedor ineffectual parents.
And that's not how I feelabout it now.
But it was challenging for me toto get that help.
And then, one of the things thatwas like a first step,
and it felt a littlecounterintuitive to me,
because really,I wanted to like, solve
(34:32):
the problems with our kidsbehaviors and their challenging
interactions and explosiveness.
I really wanted to, like,focus in on that.
And I really had to be mindfulof taking care of myself,
my own self-care,which, you know, parents are
preach that all the time.
You know, self-care isnot selfish.
And, we hear it,but I don't know if it
(34:55):
really sinks into our brains.
It didn't sink into my brainwhen self-care was presented
to me.
But it was very importantbecause I was finding with these
repetitive experiencesof feeling like I was walking on
eggshells in my house.
I wasn't sure whichthings would, I feel like I
was stepping on a guy walkingthrough a minefield.
(35:17):
Like some steps would bejust fine, and then other steps
would release the explosionand I would have a huge tantrum
or meltdown over somethingthat seemed like insignificant,
that over time really affected,like my nervous system.
I would wake up feelinganxious and I started having
like stress responses in my bodylike heart palpitations and,
(35:41):
you know, like I twitchesand things like that.
I'm like, oh my gosh, my bodyis rebelling against me.
It's like speaking the storyof the stress that I was
going through.
So I had to be more intentionalwith taking care of myself.
And I did that by just carvingout really small chunks of time
to be intentional with justpausing.
(36:03):
And that's one of the thingsI have the parents about,
is like eventually working upto having three small pauses
in your day where you're justintentionally taking care
of yourself and doing somethingthat's either doing
peace or energy.
So it might just be likesetting the timer
for five minutes.
5 to 15 minutes of thesepauses are very short
(36:23):
and just looking out the windowand watching birds,
and that's it for for me, like Ihave what I call
my pre-game plan, which isgetting up before my kids
and having coffee and doing mydevotional time before my kids
got up.
And that just, like, helpsme regulate my own nervous
system and stressso that I could be at my best.
(36:46):
When we interact.
And so that was an importantpart of me kind of working
through that time.
And then really understandingtrauma better is something
that I had to do.
Was you know, it's not it'snot a matter of finding
the right consequence for thechallenging behavior.
It's really about healingrelational trauma
through healthy relationships.
(37:08):
So, taking the time to invest inin those relationships and then
being able to let go of likethe need to find the right
consequence for everything,and that was that was
a challenge.
Can you say a little bit moreabout that if we could?
Because I think that's such a,I think that's such an important
(37:32):
point that I, I would lovefor you to to say a little bit
more about.
Yeah, I feel like my mindis going in so many directions
right now.
I try to, like, try to pullthe reins back back into
the conversation.
Well, I don't I don'tnecessarily I grew up with
great parents.
I have tons of respectfor my parents, but I think
(37:52):
in general, as a culture,we kind of have this feeling.
And there are some, parentingtheories that are out there,
and I won't name any of themthat very much.
You know, for this, it's likeyou gotta find the immediate
right consequencefor the action.
The consequence has to fitthe crime.
And a lot of times lifebrings out its own consequence
(38:12):
or its own result to it.
And so we don't have to bethe consequence wizard and find
the right way to punisha negative behavior that better
approach that I found,but it takes time and
intentionality, is to look atwhat is that behavior
communicating.
So all behavior is communicatingsomething.
And so if I've got a kid who'sbeen picking on siblings or
(38:37):
being irrational, while I'mcooking dinner, I might have
to put on like,my detective lens and figure out
what else is going onwith my head.
What are they communicating?
Maybe they're communicatingthat they're lonely.
And so in that case,the consequence of like,
go to your room and so you canbehave isn't really going
(38:57):
to help meet the root need offeeling lonely.
In that case, I might have tofind a creative way to bring
that child into my circleand engage with that chance.
They're not feeling so lonelyand not looking for ways to get
negative attention.
So it's not just about findingthe right consequence,
which might not andprobably doesn't hit the
(39:18):
root issue that's causing thebehavior.
It's like zooming outa little bit more
and figuring outwhat is my child communicating
to me through this behavior,through this meltdown and
how can I meet their needs?
And it's not just about,you know, serving our kids
in other ways and like beinga doormat, but behaviors,
(39:40):
communicating some unmet needor some kind of a skill
or something that theydon't have to be successful
in that environment yet.
So we either need tosupport them to be successful
or we need to have them.
We need.
And that takes a lot moreenergy, I would say, but it pays
off better.
(40:01):
But it takes a lotmore creativity than just
go to your room or you lose yourfavorite toy or no ice
cream for you.
And I have to tell you that I dothose things too, sometimes.
Like, I'm just thinkingabout them now.
I'm telling you this last week,my ten year old was having
a very tough time findinggood manners, and I remember
sitting there thinking,brownies tonight, I just can't.
(40:23):
I cannot do like,I'm not cutting the brownies
and serving them today because Ijust don't feel it's like doing
treats.
So I'm not saying that I don'tpull those out and they're right
or wrong.
I don't know.
And I and I appreciate thenormalization rate and hey,
(40:44):
we've got our times do that eveneven you as a, as a coach
that maybe you've gotten fluentin teaching others some of these
things that life happensand that's the reality of it.
And so I said, you know,it's it's not necessarily
perfection because if we'retrying to like go
for perfection, we're probablyjust going to really be
(41:05):
let down.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think we have to givelike I love that, you know,
we can laugh about it andgive ourselves grace.
And you know, thinking aboutour village, it has been very
helpful to me at timeswhere I've, you know, called
and left a messagethat's usually like a message
for a friend saying, oh my gosh,I had a horrible mom moment
and I lost it, you know, at soand so for doing this.
(41:29):
And then she'll be like,oh, that's nothing.
You know, you know, it'snot like we're going
to make light of all of ourparenting mistakes.
It's like, no, you're not alone.
I also have hadmoments like that
where, you know, just turnedinto a mad mom or, you know,
what, my own lead and wasn'tat my best.
(41:49):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I can absolutelyrelate to that kind of
making light.
I don't know how many times my,my spouse and I, you know,
kind of joke, okay.
That's going to be somethingthat they're going to talk
to a therapist about. Cool.
You know, and so that's, that'swhen maybe that comes
because I am a therapist,but I'm constantly I'm like,
(42:10):
yep, okay, there's goingto be a session about that one
in their future.
Cool.
Yes.
And so I, I wanted to kind ofcircle back because I think
what you mentioned is, is justso important in that, you know,
maybe that reframe, like yousaid, of figuring out
what is it that, that you needthat maybe isn't feeling
(42:34):
in that moment and thatthey may not just have the words
or even the insightand awareness because they're
children, which worksfor a real mom, is that,
you know, maybe that need is,like you said, I'm
feeling lonely in this moment.
And so if that's not somethingthat they they learn how to put
words to and to be ableto figure out an alternative
(42:55):
way to get that needthat they're going to do,
maybe what's just their braingoes, hey, let me try this.
And if it is successful.
So let's say let's let's breakthis Lego set and it gets me
kind of parent coming overand talking to me because
even though they'rethey're yelling at me, at least
(43:16):
they came over.
You know that that can the waythat children's brains work
is they're constantlyfiguring out, okay,
if I do this, what's the result?
And did that meet my need?
Well, maybe not in itsfull capacity, but it didn't.
So let me try it again.
That's how I get that need met.
And, And it can absolutely just,you know, fast forwarding
(43:41):
so many of the couplesthat I work with where maybe,
like you said, what's beenwhat's been trained
is that maybe I do need to.
I'm feeling angry.
And so when that would happenas a child, I would get sent to
my room and I needto figure things out on my own.
And so again, what theyfigure that out and they learn
how to survive.
Because survival is kind of aninstinctual thing that our brain
(44:04):
wants to do.
And so then that becomestheir habit.
And that's where you getsome of those relationship
patterns as adults wherethey're like, I keep trying to
talk to my partner and they justwant to leave and they just
keep withdrawing from me.
Well, there is likely talkthen that, hey, when I'm feeling
really big emotions,the only way that I can
(44:25):
I know how to handle themis to go away, is to withdraw.
Yeah, that's a good point. No.
And you said earlier, you know,which is so true.
Like our kids don't comewith manuals.
And if they did, we would needa specific one for each child,
which I happen.
But I often tell parents, like,whether we know it or not,
(44:46):
we kind of come into parentingwith the blueprints,
of parenting.
And you know, that typicallycomes from our experience being
parents and, you know,or with adults in our life.
And so some of our blueprintsmight be awesome skills
and some of our blueprintmight be things that were like,
oh my gosh, I just heardmy parents in that,
you know, way that I interactedwith my kid.
(45:08):
And I wish that I coulderase that from my blueprint,
which we can with time,you know?
Yeah, if we can, we canbe intentional with changing
some of those patterns.
But it's hard, you know,like that blueprint is kind
of there's some hardwiring in there from being
parents at ourselves.
Oh yes, 100%.
And I think that's a great pieceto mention because
(45:30):
I can't tell you the numberof times I myself, I've heard
from other parents where you do,like you said, maybe go into it
going, well, this makes sensebecause like, that's what we've
experienced.
And so then we try it and thensometimes we see that
reflected back and we'relike, oh, maybe that wasn't
what ought to have happenedat the beginning,
(45:52):
even for myself.
And so now, like is it kind offiguring out even that rewiring
and that repair and doing?
I don't know how many timesI've had that conversation
that sometimes when youbecome a parent yourself,
there's a lot of re parentingfor yourself that ends up
happening as well.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. Okay.
So as we wrap up, oneof my questions and I
(46:13):
love to ask folks, I'ma big back to the future.
Yeah.
So, if you had accessto a Delorean and you
could go back in time to an ageor a period and offer yourself
something not to changethe future, but maybe
offer yourself some words ofkindness or offer yourself
(46:35):
a hug.
Where would you go back?
And what would youoffer yourself?
Oh, that is a good question.
This is.
And I can picture it in my headat the very end when I go
back to, I am well,the first thing that comes
(46:55):
to mind, I'm sure there'slots of times I can go back to,
but would probably bethat really tough
parenting season that Iwas talking to about,
like before, before I wasgetting some support, before
I was being honest or moretransparent with friends.
I would go back to that versionof myself and definitely
(47:16):
give her a hug and andmaybe whisper in her ear to,
you know, point her like myselfin the direction of one of
the people I have becomereally close to, you know,
and just kind of nudge thatalong a little.
Yeah.
I love I love thatand even just, like you
said, a hug and just towhisper that, hey, this is
(47:37):
this is maybe somebody you cantrust and, that it's okay to to
reach out to them. That.
Yeah, that's a beautifulexcuse that I love it.
Okay.
So I thank you so muchfor being willing to share
this recipe.
I've got I've got all my, myI've made one and a
half casserole dishes,I had enough I think I had a lot
(47:58):
of broccoli.
But, so I thank you so muchfor being willing
to kind of share this recipe.
You share your story.
And so this is the timemy shameless plug.
Anybody who wouldlike to connect with you, hear
more about your storyor any services that you offer,
please find a way totell us where we can find you.
(48:19):
Well, great.
Well, what I love to dois supporting parents who are
in those challenging seasons.
So if that is you,I would just say
you're not alone.
That reach out to somebody,and get some support.
But that is what I love to doabout helping parents.
So life touch coaching.com.
That's my website life Touchcoaching.com.
(48:39):
And on there you can findall kinds of things.
I do have my first book came outin 2023 is called Parenting
Marathon The ten Step Guideto navigate Parenting
Challenges.
And so that book is reallyall about building
our resilience as parents.
It's a fast read.
It's, a journal right in there.
You get a chance to writeyour thoughts right
(49:00):
into the book, but it gives us,as parents, ten steps to build
our own resilience, to navigatewhatever challenging
season we're in.
And so I got parenting marathonbecause parenting is a lot
like running a marathonwhere it's not a sprint.
So you have to look at thelong game and you have to
take care of yourselfon the journey.
(49:20):
You can't do it by yourself.
So that's what the analogyis in there.
But it's really,well equipped you for the
current challenge you're inand then the future ones
that will come up.
I always tell people,you may not ever run an
actual marathon, but if you'rea parent, you will
definitely experience.
So that book is on my website.
It's also on Amazon.
(49:40):
My second book is designedfor parents who are in the
waiting process of an adoption,and that book is called
The Great Waits.
By time this time last year,the paperback will be available.
Right now, the e-book is there,but it's ten action
steps for you.
Wait for your adoption.
So that book is designedfor those parents, like I
described myself when we had allof the check boxes checked
(50:04):
and the things done on ourto do list, and yet
we still had to wait.
What do you do with that time?
What do you do with it?
And how do you find joyin the journey?
And also prepare yourselfand your family or the adoption
that's coming into your family?
So there's that.
And then, through my business,I work with parents when I'm
doing coaching, but Ialso have some, video and
(50:29):
webinars and self-paced coursesbecause really, I did that
because in my busiest or hardestseason, I didn't have time
to meet one on one with somebodyvery often.
There were so many fires I wasputting out.
And so being able to have,you know, someone that
you can listen to, you, talkyou through a certain topic,
meltdown management.
How do we manage meltdowns?
(50:50):
What do we do in the moments,the heat of the moment?
And what do we doin the calm times
so we have fewer meltdowns and,peace classes.
So all that you can findon my website.
Nice touch coaching.com.
Beautiful.
And as always, folks,those will be linked in
our show notes.
So that resonates with you.
(51:10):
Please make sure topop down there.
Check that out.
That connected with all of thesewonderful resources,
books and courses and coaching.
The DNA just shared with us,you know.
Thank you again so much for,joining me today.
And thank you, everyonefor listening.
And we will see you next time.
(51:30):
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
If you can't get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
(51:50):
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
(52:12):
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!
I think had it been really easy.
I might have skipped the ideaof adopting because
it's a lot easierin a lot of ways to have a
biological child than to adopt.
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
(00:23):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat! Welcome backeveryone.
(00:46):
Thanks so much for joiningus again.
I'm excited for today's episode,and I'm excited for you
to try out this recipe too.
I have the wonderful Dana herejoining us.
Hi, Dana.
Thanks so much for being a gueston The Real Family Eats
Thank you for having me.
Yes, absolutely.
Okay, so for anybody who doesn'tknow you, can you
introduce yourself for us? Yeah.
(01:08):
Thank you.
My name is Dana Parisi,and I always start
by telling people that I'ma mom of four kids.
And I know it's not all thatI am, but it's pretty much
the most important jobthat I do.
So I'm a mom of four.
I have two biological kidsand then two kids who joined
our family through adoption.
And then because of that shiftin our family, I changed
focus from being a physicaltherapist, which is a career
(01:30):
I loved.
And, really because of myown journey and learning
that I had to do,I went to doing parent coaching.
So I support parents that areparenting kids that have
some persistent, challengingbehaviors.
My real passion is to helpfamilies of kids
have experienced some trauma,whether that's through adoption
or foster care journeys or earlylife experiences that a lot
(01:54):
of the families I work withalso have kids who have,
neurodiversity, like autismor ADHD or are dealing
with mental health struggles.
So that's what I doas my business.
I absolutely love what I do.
But it's also reallyimportant to me
that my business, this is partof my life because my mom job is
the top of my priority.
(02:15):
Yes.
And I imagine there's a lotof listeners out there that can
absolutely relate.
And it's it's a full timejob in itself.
Right.
And so it's reallywhat we're doing multiple times
when you've got the parentinghat on as well.
Okay.
So tell us a little bit beforewe get into more of your story,
(02:38):
what recipe are you sharing withour parents today
and why did you choose this one?
Yes. Okay.
So we are doing a tunanoodle casserole, which my
family calls tuna noodle Cinco,which is an affectionate name.
You know, it's kind of funnyif you've ever read the Jimmy
B Jones. Books.
There's a book in there, and shetalks about a casserole
(02:58):
and she calls it Tuna Stengeland we've taken it from that.
So even though everyoneloves it, that's the name
that we call it.
And so this is, you know,if you have multiple kids
in your home, finding a recipethat pretty much everyone likes
is like one of thosecalled gems.
And this is a recipe that's afamily favorite.
All four of my kidsand my husband and I enjoy it.
(03:19):
And it's pretty easyto make like by the time
work is done, I can wrap it upand have it ready in time
before sports activity starts.
Fantastic.
And you're so right.
And that's part of, you know,the goal behind combining
this podcast with like,you know, an informal pretend
cooking show becauselike you said, trying to
(03:40):
kind of find what are we goingto have for dinner?
That's just one more thingon a plate.
I'm very full plate that manyparents have.
And so you're so spot on in thatit's really helpful
when you've got a coupleof things in your back pocket
that you know your family isgoing to love, and that's going
to kind of nourish everybodyand get you moving.
(04:01):
Yes, absolutely.
Yes.
And it's got hidden vegetables,but not even hidden there in the
vegetables in there and gota little something everything,
a little bit of everything.
Perfect. Okay.
So speaking of, can you tell mekind of an overview of what
I'm putting in here, the stepsand I can get mixing and cooking
while we chat.
(04:22):
Perfect.
That sounds great.
Okay, so the first thingyou're going to want to do
is get some noodles boilingand some boiling some water.
The recipe I thinksays corkscrew, but my kids
have decided they'relike shells.
Like those little pasta shellsis their favorite format.
We've also use, like, a littleelbow macaroni as, like, pastas
for it.
So any little pasta shapethat you like, you're going
(04:42):
to want to start boiling that.
And then we're goingto be draining the canned tuna.
And I like to rinseit really good so it doesn't
smell too much like tuna.
So drain it really well.
And then I usually do,some frozen broccoli,
like broccoli flowers thatthe flowers that are frozen.
I do that in the microwave.
So those are the thingsthat I would get started.
(05:04):
And then we just open up acouple cans of soup.
Cheesy broccoli soup,and then either
cream of broccoli or creamof celery, whichever one
you can find.
And then there's some cheddarcheese in there and some onion,
either nice enough or just usethe dried minced onion, which is
super easy.
(05:24):
And that's that.
Those are the main thingsin there, a little salt
and pepper and somecheddar cheese.
Wonderful.
And then we mix it all upand put it in that casserole
and put it in the oven.
Cracks. Exactly.
We're going to mix the,noodles once they're cooked
and drained with the tuna,the strains and then
the broccoli, we're goingto chop it up a little bit finer
so that, you know,any of your kids who don't like
(05:46):
a giant chunk of broccoliwill hardly notice it.
You can cut it upa little smaller, then mix it
with those two cans of soup and,salt and pepper, cheese.
Yeah.
And then it just goesright into a casserole dish
and bake it.
And I have found that ifwe cover it with tinfoil
once baking, the noodlesdon't get too crunchy and hard
(06:09):
and they'll stay kind of soft.
So that's what we'll do.
And then we put chipson top of it, which makes it,
you know, a family favorite.
So you put the chips on beforeyou begin.
You bake it with the chipson it.
Actually, we wait until it'sall baked and we just
put the chips on our individualservings.
We found this by trialand error, because if
you put all the chips on it,then when you microwave it
(06:31):
later, you know, leftovers,the chips get all soggy.
So we just reject the chipsand the individual serving.
And some of my kids like to addsome hot sauce to, okay,
so many pro chips in therewith your aluminum foil and your
your chips onindividual portions
so you don't have to microwave.
So I love it.
I can actually do that.
(06:52):
In fact I've I've got my tuna,my noodles already boiled
and okay, for anybodywho is watching um.com for,
for me because I knowthat my noodles got a
little overcooked when I boiledthem this morning.
That's the reality of parenting.
I looked away for what felt likea hot second to take something.
(07:14):
They went over, so I knowthat they are.
Please don't judge me.
Don't come for mein the comments.
But I going I get mixingwith what I have here.
Okay, so while I'm doingall of this, I'd love to know
a little bit about kindof your journey.
You know, especially with,like you said, you've got two
(07:35):
biological children and thenyou've got two more
through adoption.
And I'd love for you to talka little bit more about
that adoption process and whatthat's like, because I know
there's a lot of listenersout there that can
probably relate, and it's a verydifferent journey than,
you know what?
Maybe you're averageBeaver Cleaver kind of would
(07:55):
walk through.
And so I'd love to know kind ofyour experience and what
that was like for you and,and how you navigated that.
Yeah.
That's, that's aloaded question.
Thank you for asking that.
You know, my experience aretwo adoptions were two separate
adoptions.
So, four years apart.
And I think one of the biggestchallenges about adoption
(08:17):
is that you don't knowwhat time frame, like with my
biological kids.
You assume it's going to belike nine months of
being pregnant.
So you think, you know,you got that time frame of mind.
So my biological kidswere actually each born
two months early, which had itsown trials to it.
And that was a very scary time.
But our adoption processeswere very undetermined
amount of time.
And there were a lot of momentswhere really we had done
(08:41):
all the steps that we could dofor the adoption.
There's all this paperwork andall these documents
you have to have, you know,you do your home study
and there's a lot of boxesto check.
And when you get done with allthose boxes, it feels like now
it should just happen.
And, you know, you should beable to their parents
in this child.
And sometimes it happens fast.
But in our situationsit was very slow and just
(09:04):
kind of trusting the processand waiting.
And it was really hard for us.
And then, you know, our familydynamics changes, like with
any child that comes intoyour family, whether it's
a biological child or throughadoption or foster care,
dynamics are alwaysgoing to change when
that happens.
And one of the fearsthat we had going into adoption
(09:25):
was, I remember my husbandsaying, like, I'm just
worried that we're going torock the boat because things
are kind of settled out with ourtwo children that we had
in the home, like they'restarting school.
And, you know, we kind of hadsome rhythm and it
just felt like, oh, do we reallywant to change the dynamics
and add one more person to it?
And of course, I'mglad that we did.
(09:46):
But the book rocks arereally are both of our
family life really got rockedthrough our processes?
Yeah.
Can you tell mea little bit more for for
you folks?
How did you cometo that decision, like you
said, that, you know, if there'sany of that kind of hey, we're
we're kind of findingour footing maybe a little bit
(10:06):
or at least findingwhat our normal looks like.
Right.
And then, like you said,to kind of come to that
decision and, and say, you know,could I was about maybe
but this is something thatwe really want.
Can you talk to me a little bitmore about kind of how you guys
came to the decision?
Yeah.
And I think every familycomes to it through
their own means.
But for us, my husbandand I both, prior
(10:28):
to even meeting each other,kind of felt called to adopt.
And I don't know if that's partof our faith tradition.
Just recognizing that Godadopted us into his family and,
you know, wanting tolove on others.
So it was kind ofin our mindset, to consider it.
And then I really think,practicality wise, had our
(10:49):
biological pregnanciesnot been so challenging and,
premature birth.
And we were in the hospitalwith our preemies,
for several weeks with each kid.
That's a really scary time.
And and kind of fun.
Really easy.
I might have skipped the ideaof adopting because
it's a lot easierin a lot of ways to have a
biological child than to adopt,like the process is, is
(11:13):
more predictable.
There's I don't know, it'san answer.
There's more in your control.
There's always things outof our control, but the time
frame is more predictable.
So I think that thatfact that we still wanted
to grow our family and I wasn'treally interested in,
risking another premature baby,kind of encouraged us to take
the chance.
(11:34):
But also, there was justa strong belief that kids
need parents.
You know, kids really needparents in an orphanage
system is not the same asbeing in a home.
Like a permanent homewhere parents are going to love
and care for them.
Yeah.
So that was kind of our pushingover the over the decision line.
(11:54):
And like you said, I think thatmakes so much sense, especially
if having, you know, experience,like you said, some
some challenges just with thewith your biological
children and, you know, knowingkind of having that duality of
I would like to have more,but that was a really
scary place to be.
And I can absolutely appreciatewhere they had me a lot
(12:15):
of hesitations to kind ofgo back in there because
you said you they wereboth premature.
Did I hear you correctly?
Yeah, yeah.
They're 17 months apart in ageand they were both two
months early.
But the, the second oldest, I,you know, like everyone
had their pregnancy stories,but I went into labor
at 24 weeks and thenhad to go on bedrest until
she was born.
(12:36):
And at that point, 30,almost 33 weeks she was born.
So that's not a fun time.
Yeah.
And especially if that'skind of your your induction
into kind of parenthood in yourfirst experience, I imagine
that's incredibly scaryto kind of go through that.
Yeah.
But I'm so glad I'm, you know,I'm really glad all the pieces
(12:57):
came the way they did.
You know, we adoptedour third child in our family.
We adopted it, and thenwe decided to do it again.
So we have, you know, four kidsand boy, it's hard.
It is hard to havemultiple kids.
You know, the differentpersonality and the
different ways that theyinteract.
It's beautiful and chaoticand I wouldn't trade it,
(13:18):
but quite like I don't thinkI expected parenting to be quite
so hard when I, you know, waspre parenting.
Yeah.
Can you say a little bitmore about that as far as like
maybe what you had in yourmind's eye and, and where did
some of that construct foryou come from.
Yeah, that's a good question.
(13:39):
I think I think my parentswould agree with this, that
I was a pretty easykid to parents, and I was one of
four kids.
Okay.
I think I was just like the rulefollower, and I really didn't
want to rock the boat.
I just wanted to dowhat was right, you know?
Yeah, just just get alongand follow the rules.
So I think I was a pretty easykid, and I had both.
(14:02):
I think I had the false ideathat my kids would be pretty
easy kids.
And I know, you know, maybeI should have married
someone who was more easy.
Maybe I could blame that.
I.
But yeah, it definitely wasmore challenging.
And then as we had differentdynamics, you know, and our kids
who joined our familythrough adoption, they had some
(14:24):
trauma in their historyand a lot of losses.
That's one of the thingsabout adoption is that,
you know, we always picturethe beautiful part of, you know,
a family coming together.
But before a familycomes together through adoption,
a family was lostor broken apart through some
combination of circumstancesand some traumas.
And so, you know,every kid that, joins a family
(14:46):
through adoption has experiencedloss, whether they remember it
or not.
And that, even thoughwe were prepared with, like,
our adoption preparation stuffto understand, early life trauma
and losses, I don't thinkI really had the concept
that it would be as hardas it five.
(15:09):
Can you say a little bitmore about that?
Yeah. So when our first adoptionwent through, that's a daughter
went to her daughtersand she was two when she joined
our family.
So she was fairly young,you know, a lot of a lot of
brain formationand understanding of the world
(15:29):
and how safe things areis already formed.
A lot of that has been formedin those first two years.
But I think we kind of takefor granted with our
biological kids and howwe how crucial those time
periods are, how much brainis forming.
Yeah.
So anyways, you know,we know that she experienced
a lot of losses and didn'thave the same attachments to us
(15:52):
as kids who were borninto our family.
Totally was feeling preparedfor that.
But what we found is,when things were challenging
was just either really bigexplosive behaviors, from our
daughter or like retaliatingkind of behaviors
against siblings.
Like, we have one family legendsstory called the Lego Massacre.
(16:15):
We call it oh my goodness,tell me more.
I know it sounds reallydramatic, but so at the time
our two daughterswere four years apart in age.
We're sharing a bedroomand we in order to kind of
get the older daughterwho was like a kindergartner
at that point, a little space.
They had bunk beds.
And so the older daughterhad the higher bunk bed,
and she had someshelves up there where she
(16:37):
could keep her special thingsthat were like, just for her,
that weren't to be shared.
And that was really, really hardfor the two year old who
had just joined our familyto have things that were off
limits.
And, you know, I think therewas some struggle to share
attention and all of that.
Well, one day the two year oldgot up on this ladder
(16:59):
and this is like not a normalbunk bed.
Ladder was a pretty steep.
It was a pretty high loft.
And just this ruinedLego village.
It was like all of this cute,like little Lego City things,
you know, the ice creamparlors and, my five year old
who kind of painstakinglycreated and was in
her safe spot.
And so she came in one dayand it was just destroyed on
(17:20):
her bed.
Lego City, Lego City Massacre,and so things like that just
added to the dynamics of somesome sibling sibling dynamics
and some resentments.
And, it's just what I found iswhen behaviors came up
in our home, like our childwas having a big meltdown,
(17:42):
which happened a lot.
I just felt like the dominoeswould fall in the house.
And then like, child oneis having a big meltdown
and then another childgets upset about that, has their
own meltdown.
Another child has theiropinions about how different
children are being parentsand and whether we're being firm
enough or not.
And then that childis having issues.
(18:03):
I mean, I just felt like,everything kind of imploded
when one child startedstruggling.
Does that make sense?
Yes, absolutely.
And I'm so curious for you,especially in those moments
when, like you said, there'sthere's lots of meltdowns
that are happening, everyonestruggling with really
big things and what'sgoing on for you as a parent
(18:25):
and kind of in your mind.
And how are you feeling or whatare you feeling
in those moments?
Yeah.
I mean, I think in ourhardest season, our hardest
kind of parenting year.
And this is what tippedthe scale to like, get some more
help, really, and understandunderstanding our family.
(18:45):
I think the hardest season,we just didn't know how
to approach it.
You know, my husband, I wouldtalk to him about what
was going on in the house.
He was working long hoursand he actually wasn't present
for most of it.
I felt like I was doinga lot of it or most of it alone.
And then I would hear from him.
Well, you know, you needto be firmer.
You need to take things away.
You need to have a biggerconsequence.
(19:06):
You know, you need to trythis way.
And I remember feelinglike I'm trying all of
the things.
I'm trying to be firmer.
I'm trying to be more connected.
I'm trying to be, you know,more intentional with quality
one on one time.
I'm trying, but I'm tryingto, like, remove special
privileges to let them knowthat there are consequences.
And pretty much all ofthe things I was trying
(19:27):
were not working.
So I felt really, really aloneduring that period of time.
And I also remember just noteven really talking some like
my closest friends about it,because I felt embarrassed
about the fact that we justcould not figure it out,
like I felt like we had.
There was a timewhere I felt like I was living
(19:47):
with a terrorist, you know?
I just never knew.
And another meltdown wouldcome out.
And then sometimes the meltdownswere physically like,
attacking me or tryingto hurt me when things were
going wrong.
And it just felt reallyembarrassing, like,
how am I not able to figurethis out?
(20:08):
And hurt my kids?
It was hard, and it was hardto be honest with people
about how much we werestruggling. Yeah.
And you mentioned kind of thisembarrassment and and I've
heard that from, from somany parents.
Can you say a little bitmore for you?
Kind of what was your braintrying to convince you of
(20:28):
in those moments that ifI did reach out to these people,
if I didn't share it, like what?
What was maybe the thoughtsor thoughts that were coming up
that was kind of leading,like you said, to some of that
embarrassment or, or or feelinglike that, that might be
the case that I would feelembarrassed because ABC,
I think part of it was that,I had the impression that people
(20:51):
thought we were kind of perfect,you know, which maybe was just
my impression.
But, you know, from the outsidelooking in, it was like,
oh, what a great family.
You know, like, I think it looksperfect now because I
was posting all the right thingsnecessarily on social media,
but people just, I thoughthad that impression.
(21:13):
And so I think it fell hard toburst that bubble.
Yeah.
People know that it wasn't,you know, perfect.
And I also I thinkthat embarrassed because,
you know, it wasn'tmy first time being a parent.
This is my third childthat, you know, things
got rougher.
Really actually, after ourfourth adoption
(21:34):
when my attention was that,well, our fourth child, second
adoption attention was that muchmore divided, and my energy
was that much lower,where I kind of really ran
out of steam.
But I felt like it should bean experience enough parents
to be able to figure it out.
So, like, I felt likeI should be able to do this
on my own.
Like, this is parenting has beenaround forever and I
(21:54):
should be able to do iton my own.
But yeah, I don't think anyoneever told me I should feel
that way.
It just was a false,you know, a false narrative that
I had.
And I think that's somethingthat I can absolutely relate
to that, you know,I've even heard
from other folks, like yousaid, that maybe it's
not something that someone'sdirectly kind of coming to you
(22:15):
and saying you have to do italone.
However, somehow it's stillis very pervasive kind of in
our communities, in our societythat that does leave
so many parents, like you said,the kind of feeling I have
to do this alone and I have tofigure this out, which is, gosh,
absolutely isolating, especiallybecause these kids don't come
(22:37):
with manuals like and each kid,you know, needs their own,
their own thing.
Right.
What manual doesn'tnecessarily work for the
other child?
And so, you know,I can appreciate where,
like you said, that maybe it'snot someone directly
saying that, but somehowit's getting out into
(22:58):
the community that that'skind of almost an expectation.
Yeah.
And why is that?
Because, you know, when youwere saying that reason,
I was just thinking aboutthe scene that's out there.
You know, we hear itall the time.
It takes a villageto raise a kid.
Everyone's heard thatsaying, but I don't know
that we really take thatto hearts.
You know, we don't really havea village necessarily.
(23:22):
Yeah.
And I think that's sucha good point because I
have heard that saying toand I think so much of it
goes, you know, you go outand even though maybe some
people aren't necessarilywhen your kids having that
meltdown in the grocery store,I don't know if that's ever
happened to you,I definitely have it has
happened to me definitely hashappened to me.
Right.
(23:42):
And, you know, thereprobably are some people
in there that are not judgingand are like, oh my goodness,
you know, been there.
I've seen that.
I know how hard that is.
At the same time, there arevery much real things
that people are sitting there,you know, giving you the look or
muttering under their breath.
(24:03):
And so, like you said, insteadof offering that, hey,
how can I, can I help youright now?
Can I, like, grab your stuffso that you can go wrangle that
that child that's likerunning out the door?
That there is more often thannot kind of just people kind of
walking on by.
And so I think, like you said,we're we're not necessarily
(24:24):
taking that whole it takesa village to heart
and demonstrating that I thinkkind of firsthand in our
communities, at least that's mymy personal opinion on it.
Yeah.
No, I think that's right.
Like, you know, if weif we really had that village
mentality, we wouldmaybe have like our sister
in the store as well,or our cousin or a grandma
(24:45):
or someone who would be ableto step in and like, maybe even
provide practical help,you know, like in that moment.
And so if we don't livein a community with all of
our kin around which I don't,we have to kind of be
more intentional about creatingour community.
And, you know, maybe it'snot just biological family,
(25:05):
but creating, you know, if youfriendships where we are
more transparent and real aboutthe struggles and can even ask
for some practical assistancewhen something comes up
and I yeah, you mentioneda couple times in there
practical assistance.
Can you tell mea little bit more about why
why you made sure to kindof clarify the type
(25:26):
of resistance that.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I thinkbecause like you said, you know,
there's lots of booksthat we feel like we're getting
from people.
I remember I remember thatin the church, you know, church
in churches that were maybe lesswelcoming to busy actors,
little kids in the pews.
But we ended up looking for adifferent church
(25:47):
because of that, because Ijust felt like we got stared at
and like the mumblesand grumbles as I tried to,
you know, ration out thegoldfish crackers to keep my
very active, you know, sonwith ADHD clients in the pew
without making too much ofa distraction.
So that's not practical.
Help.
Now, when I think abouttime periods where I just
(26:09):
felt like it was too muchon my plate and I had a meltdown
to manage, and I alsohad a child who needed
to get to swim practiceor something practical.
Help me be someone thatI could call and say,
are you able to bring,you know, child one it's a swim
practice.
Will I manage what'sgoing on here so they don't
have to bring the meltdownwith me in the car
(26:31):
and, you know, take itwith me to swim practice.
That's I guess that's athat's picture of that
practical.
Like, who could actually step inand lend a hand and take
something from another parent'sshoulders? Yeah.
I think that makesso much sense.
Is that because I heardyou mentioned, you know,
you don't necessarily havefor yourself maybe, kin that are
(26:53):
kind of nearby.
And so you mentioned kind ofbeing intentional about building
that community.
That you could kind of turnto someone and like
you said, ask for some of thatpractical assistance.
Is that something that you havebeen able to find,
or is that still a strugglethat you're kind of navigating
that?
(27:13):
No, I definitely have found it.
And I in one of my well, in thatreally tough parenting season,
I realized I neededto be outside more, and I needed
to keep my mental health in lineby being more active,
which is always something Ihad learned.
It was hard to carve outthe time for, so I ended up
joining a women's running group.
I honestly was not a runner likereally did not care for running
(27:37):
as exercise.
I came to love it.
I absolutely love running now.
But I joined it really just tohave something on my schedule
that my family recognizedas like a mom time away
from the house and I couldget outside and connect
with some people.
And so that group,provided a lot of
(27:57):
outlets for me.
But then as I got a little bitmore, a lot more vulnerable
about real life in theparenting world, you know,
the good, there's lots ofgood things that are happening,
but also the real struggles.
That's when some very deepfriendships forms.
And it really came out of mebeing more transparent
and honest about,quite honestly, the harder
(28:20):
parts is what bringpeople together is sharing
the honesty about thehard parts.
Wow.
And that's such a different kindof going back to what may be,
you know, or communityor society, whatever kind
of perpetuates.
So to have that opposite thatin fact, when I did
get vulnerable, it actuallyhelped deepen my relationships.
(28:44):
That's, that's just such adifferent maybe take on, on
some of these things that do gettalked about maybe a little bit
more often of keepingsome of that stuff inside
or like so we don'ttalk about that.
Yeah.
No, I think you're right.
And I think, you know, I wouldalways say you have to be
choosy.
I'm sure you would tell peopleto like, get to be choosy about
(29:05):
who you're going to shareor to be vulnerable with.
It can't be everyone.
And I wouldn't necessarily thinklike social media platforms
are the ideal place to besuper vulnerable about
all of that.
You know, the tough stuff.
But, you know, picking 1or 2 friends to start with.
And, I think people would besurprised if they lead with
(29:25):
vulnerability with their ownlife, how their relationship
deepens.
Wow. Yeah.
Was that a difficult placefor you to get to, to allow,
like you said, some of thatvulnerability?
Or was it like onceyou found kind of your people
that kind of came morenaturally?
(29:47):
That really good question.
I think for me, because wewere meeting regularly
for running and somethingabout running, like I didn't
think at the beginningit would be possible to have
a conversation while you runfive miles.
You know, like, how can you bereading and having
a conversation, but as you getbetter at it, that is totally
what happens.
And there's something soothingto the brain.
(30:09):
And like the nervous systemabout having that repetitive
movement running that makes iteasier to talk about hard
things, I think.
And so instead of it being like,hey, let me unload all of these
hard things on you and one,you know, our therapy session
or something, and it's more oflike a sprinkling of little
challenges throughoutvarious runs.
And over that kindof sprinkling, of sharing
(30:32):
a snapshot of some of the hardparts of our reality, along with
the good parts that over timeis what really created
some friendships that made that.
How is it that.
Absolutely.
And, you know, I thinkthat makes tons of sense,
especially because,you know, I'm when we are
(30:52):
on that exercise piece,there are those kind of natural,
happy, good, chemicals ofthose endorphins that are,
are flowing through our body,which are important when,
when creating some of thatsafety and security.
You mentioned earlier kindof secure attachments and,
the different attachments Iwas with, with your children
and especially, those that aremaybe coming, like you said,
(31:15):
with, with their own traumathat, that those,
can create some,some attachments, styles,
if you will.
And so part of creating some ofthat safety, like you said, is,
is some of those safety signals,which I think that makes a
ton of sense, that if you'realready kind of in it
and your brain's feeling good,and it's people like you said
(31:37):
that maybe you've, you've metwith there's you're getting
safety signals from them.
You're getting thesafety signals, you know, that
your brain is feelinga little bit more relaxed just
in the seat of, you know,getting the running, getting the
exercise, those extraendorphin booth where,
like you said, maybe itdoes feel a little bit, maybe
(31:59):
accessible in those moments,to, to get there and then
like you said, thatat that point because you're,
you maybe have an outlet,it doesn't feel like I have to
just like trauma dump all inone one.
Right.
But, you know, if there'skind of a and, maybe a
consistency there that it doesfeel like.
(32:22):
Yeah, you know, that's I'm ableto kind of talk about,
like you said, both of thesethings and see.
Yeah, there is a lotof great stuff.
There's a whole lot of hardstuff.
And it's okay to talkabout both.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
I think you're right.
I'm curious, can you talka little bit more kind of
(32:42):
going back to, some of thatgoing along that line of
the attachment you mentionedkind of each one of your,
your kids that, change you.
Yeah.
It's option that they kind ofhave their own stories
and their own traumasthat they've encountered.
And so what has beenyour experience now kind of
(33:07):
looking out, zooming out,if you will?
In kind of what helpedyou be able to show up
and, support, supportyour children and working
through some of those thingsthat I think naturally, like
you said, if they'recoming from this,
this experience that did causesome hurts and some pains,
(33:30):
it's only natural that theyprobably do have some bags
that they're coming intothe family with.
And so, you know,how did you find, that
you were able to kind of workthrough that or things that were
helpful?
Yeah, that's a good question.
I would say I had kind of when Igot serious about figuring
(33:50):
things out and gettingsome help, I had a multi-pronged
approach.
And I look when I lookretrospectively at it,
in the moments I don't thinkI felt like I had any approach,
but I got caught from,a parent coach who was informed
in trauma, and that was a veryhumbling experience
for me to like, get that help,you know, to I really felt
(34:11):
like by asking or seeking outthat help, I was basically
admitting to being a flawedor ineffectual parents.
And that's not how I feelabout it now.
But it was challenging for me toto get that help.
And then, one of the things thatwas like a first step,
and it felt a littlecounterintuitive to me,
because really,I wanted to like, solve
(34:32):
the problems with our kidsbehaviors and their challenging
interactions and explosiveness.
I really wanted to, like,focus in on that.
And I really had to be mindfulof taking care of myself,
my own self-care,which, you know, parents are
preach that all the time.
You know, self-care isnot selfish.
And, we hear it,but I don't know if it
(34:55):
really sinks into our brains.
It didn't sink into my brainwhen self-care was presented
to me.
But it was very importantbecause I was finding with these
repetitive experiencesof feeling like I was walking on
eggshells in my house.
I wasn't sure whichthings would, I feel like I
was stepping on a guy walkingthrough a minefield.
(35:17):
Like some steps would bejust fine, and then other steps
would release the explosionand I would have a huge tantrum
or meltdown over somethingthat seemed like insignificant,
that over time really affected,like my nervous system.
I would wake up feelinganxious and I started having
like stress responses in my bodylike heart palpitations and,
(35:41):
you know, like I twitchesand things like that.
I'm like, oh my gosh, my bodyis rebelling against me.
It's like speaking the storyof the stress that I was
going through.
So I had to be more intentionalwith taking care of myself.
And I did that by just carvingout really small chunks of time
to be intentional with justpausing.
(36:03):
And that's one of the thingsI have the parents about,
is like eventually working upto having three small pauses
in your day where you're justintentionally taking care
of yourself and doing somethingthat's either doing
peace or energy.
So it might just be likesetting the timer
for five minutes.
5 to 15 minutes of thesepauses are very short
(36:23):
and just looking out the windowand watching birds,
and that's it for for me, like Ihave what I call
my pre-game plan, which isgetting up before my kids
and having coffee and doing mydevotional time before my kids
got up.
And that just, like, helpsme regulate my own nervous
system and stressso that I could be at my best.
(36:46):
When we interact.
And so that was an importantpart of me kind of working
through that time.
And then really understandingtrauma better is something
that I had to do.
Was you know, it's not it'snot a matter of finding
the right consequence for thechallenging behavior.
It's really about healingrelational trauma
through healthy relationships.
(37:08):
So, taking the time to invest inin those relationships and then
being able to let go of likethe need to find the right
consequence for everything,and that was that was
a challenge.
Can you say a little bit moreabout that if we could?
Because I think that's such a,I think that's such an important
(37:32):
point that I, I would lovefor you to to say a little bit
more about.
Yeah, I feel like my mindis going in so many directions
right now.
I try to, like, try to pullthe reins back back into
the conversation.
Well, I don't I don'tnecessarily I grew up with
great parents.
I have tons of respectfor my parents, but I think
(37:52):
in general, as a culture,we kind of have this feeling.
And there are some, parentingtheories that are out there,
and I won't name any of themthat very much.
You know, for this, it's likeyou gotta find the immediate
right consequencefor the action.
The consequence has to fitthe crime.
And a lot of times lifebrings out its own consequence
(38:12):
or its own result to it.
And so we don't have to bethe consequence wizard and find
the right way to punisha negative behavior that better
approach that I found,but it takes time and
intentionality, is to look atwhat is that behavior
communicating.
So all behavior is communicatingsomething.
And so if I've got a kid who'sbeen picking on siblings or
(38:37):
being irrational, while I'mcooking dinner, I might have
to put on like,my detective lens and figure out
what else is going onwith my head.
What are they communicating?
Maybe they're communicatingthat they're lonely.
And so in that case,the consequence of like,
go to your room and so you canbehave isn't really going
(38:57):
to help meet the root need offeeling lonely.
In that case, I might have tofind a creative way to bring
that child into my circleand engage with that chance.
They're not feeling so lonelyand not looking for ways to get
negative attention.
So it's not just about findingthe right consequence,
which might not andprobably doesn't hit the
(39:18):
root issue that's causing thebehavior.
It's like zooming outa little bit more
and figuring outwhat is my child communicating
to me through this behavior,through this meltdown and
how can I meet their needs?
And it's not just about,you know, serving our kids
in other ways and like beinga doormat, but behaviors,
(39:40):
communicating some unmet needor some kind of a skill
or something that theydon't have to be successful
in that environment yet.
So we either need tosupport them to be successful
or we need to have them.
We need.
And that takes a lot moreenergy, I would say, but it pays
off better.
(40:01):
But it takes a lotmore creativity than just
go to your room or you lose yourfavorite toy or no ice
cream for you.
And I have to tell you that I dothose things too, sometimes.
Like, I'm just thinkingabout them now.
I'm telling you this last week,my ten year old was having
a very tough time findinggood manners, and I remember
sitting there thinking,brownies tonight, I just can't.
(40:23):
I cannot do like,I'm not cutting the brownies
and serving them today because Ijust don't feel it's like doing
treats.
So I'm not saying that I don'tpull those out and they're right
or wrong.
I don't know.
And I and I appreciate thenormalization rate and hey,
(40:44):
we've got our times do that eveneven you as a, as a coach
that maybe you've gotten fluentin teaching others some of these
things that life happensand that's the reality of it.
And so I said, you know,it's it's not necessarily
perfection because if we'retrying to like go
for perfection, we're probablyjust going to really be
(41:05):
let down.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think we have to givelike I love that, you know,
we can laugh about it andgive ourselves grace.
And you know, thinking aboutour village, it has been very
helpful to me at timeswhere I've, you know, called
and left a messagethat's usually like a message
for a friend saying, oh my gosh,I had a horrible mom moment
and I lost it, you know, at soand so for doing this.
(41:29):
And then she'll be like,oh, that's nothing.
You know, you know, it'snot like we're going
to make light of all of ourparenting mistakes.
It's like, no, you're not alone.
I also have hadmoments like that
where, you know, just turnedinto a mad mom or, you know,
what, my own lead and wasn'tat my best.
(41:49):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I can absolutelyrelate to that kind of
making light.
I don't know how many times my,my spouse and I, you know,
kind of joke, okay.
That's going to be somethingthat they're going to talk
to a therapist about. Cool.
You know, and so that's, that'swhen maybe that comes
because I am a therapist,but I'm constantly I'm like,
(42:10):
yep, okay, there's goingto be a session about that one
in their future.
Cool.
Yes.
And so I, I wanted to kind ofcircle back because I think
what you mentioned is, is justso important in that, you know,
maybe that reframe, like yousaid, of figuring out
what is it that, that you needthat maybe isn't feeling
(42:34):
in that moment and thatthey may not just have the words
or even the insightand awareness because they're
children, which worksfor a real mom, is that,
you know, maybe that need is,like you said, I'm
feeling lonely in this moment.
And so if that's not somethingthat they they learn how to put
words to and to be ableto figure out an alternative
(42:55):
way to get that needthat they're going to do,
maybe what's just their braingoes, hey, let me try this.
And if it is successful.
So let's say let's let's breakthis Lego set and it gets me
kind of parent coming overand talking to me because
even though they'rethey're yelling at me, at least
(43:16):
they came over.
You know that that can the waythat children's brains work
is they're constantlyfiguring out, okay,
if I do this, what's the result?
And did that meet my need?
Well, maybe not in itsfull capacity, but it didn't.
So let me try it again.
That's how I get that need met.
And, And it can absolutely just,you know, fast forwarding
(43:41):
so many of the couplesthat I work with where maybe,
like you said, what's beenwhat's been trained
is that maybe I do need to.
I'm feeling angry.
And so when that would happenas a child, I would get sent to
my room and I needto figure things out on my own.
And so again, what theyfigure that out and they learn
how to survive.
Because survival is kind of aninstinctual thing that our brain
(44:04):
wants to do.
And so then that becomestheir habit.
And that's where you getsome of those relationship
patterns as adults wherethey're like, I keep trying to
talk to my partner and they justwant to leave and they just
keep withdrawing from me.
Well, there is likely talkthen that, hey, when I'm feeling
really big emotions,the only way that I can
(44:25):
I know how to handle themis to go away, is to withdraw.
Yeah, that's a good point. No.
And you said earlier, you know,which is so true.
Like our kids don't comewith manuals.
And if they did, we would needa specific one for each child,
which I happen.
But I often tell parents, like,whether we know it or not,
(44:46):
we kind of come into parentingwith the blueprints,
of parenting.
And you know, that typicallycomes from our experience being
parents and, you know,or with adults in our life.
And so some of our blueprintsmight be awesome skills
and some of our blueprintmight be things that were like,
oh my gosh, I just heardmy parents in that,
you know, way that I interactedwith my kid.
(45:08):
And I wish that I coulderase that from my blueprint,
which we can with time,you know?
Yeah, if we can, we canbe intentional with changing
some of those patterns.
But it's hard, you know,like that blueprint is kind
of there's some hardwiring in there from being
parents at ourselves.
Oh yes, 100%.
And I think that's a great pieceto mention because
(45:30):
I can't tell you the numberof times I myself, I've heard
from other parents where you do,like you said, maybe go into it
going, well, this makes sensebecause like, that's what we've
experienced.
And so then we try it and thensometimes we see that
reflected back and we'relike, oh, maybe that wasn't
what ought to have happenedat the beginning,
(45:52):
even for myself.
And so now, like is it kind offiguring out even that rewiring
and that repair and doing?
I don't know how many timesI've had that conversation
that sometimes when youbecome a parent yourself,
there's a lot of re parentingfor yourself that ends up
happening as well.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. Okay.
So as we wrap up, oneof my questions and I
(46:13):
love to ask folks, I'ma big back to the future.
Yeah.
So, if you had accessto a Delorean and you
could go back in time to an ageor a period and offer yourself
something not to changethe future, but maybe
offer yourself some words ofkindness or offer yourself
(46:35):
a hug.
Where would you go back?
And what would youoffer yourself?
Oh, that is a good question.
This is.
And I can picture it in my headat the very end when I go
back to, I am well,the first thing that comes
(46:55):
to mind, I'm sure there'slots of times I can go back to,
but would probably bethat really tough
parenting season that Iwas talking to about,
like before, before I wasgetting some support, before
I was being honest or moretransparent with friends.
I would go back to that versionof myself and definitely
(47:16):
give her a hug and andmaybe whisper in her ear to,
you know, point her like myselfin the direction of one of
the people I have becomereally close to, you know,
and just kind of nudge thatalong a little.
Yeah.
I love I love thatand even just, like you
said, a hug and just towhisper that, hey, this is
(47:37):
this is maybe somebody you cantrust and, that it's okay to to
reach out to them. That.
Yeah, that's a beautifulexcuse that I love it.
Okay.
So I thank you so muchfor being willing to share
this recipe.
I've got I've got all my, myI've made one and a
half casserole dishes,I had enough I think I had a lot
(47:58):
of broccoli.
But, so I thank you so muchfor being willing
to kind of share this recipe.
You share your story.
And so this is the timemy shameless plug.
Anybody who wouldlike to connect with you, hear
more about your storyor any services that you offer,
please find a way totell us where we can find you.
(48:19):
Well, great.
Well, what I love to dois supporting parents who are
in those challenging seasons.
So if that is you,I would just say
you're not alone.
That reach out to somebody,and get some support.
But that is what I love to doabout helping parents.
So life touch coaching.com.
That's my website life Touchcoaching.com.
(48:39):
And on there you can findall kinds of things.
I do have my first book came outin 2023 is called Parenting
Marathon The ten Step Guideto navigate Parenting
Challenges.
And so that book is reallyall about building
our resilience as parents.
It's a fast read.
It's, a journal right in there.
You get a chance to writeyour thoughts right
(49:00):
into the book, but it gives us,as parents, ten steps to build
our own resilience, to navigatewhatever challenging
season we're in.
And so I got parenting marathonbecause parenting is a lot
like running a marathonwhere it's not a sprint.
So you have to look at thelong game and you have to
take care of yourselfon the journey.
(49:20):
You can't do it by yourself.
So that's what the analogyis in there.
But it's really,well equipped you for the
current challenge you're inand then the future ones
that will come up.
I always tell people,you may not ever run an
actual marathon, but if you'rea parent, you will
definitely experience.
So that book is on my website.
It's also on Amazon.
(49:40):
My second book is designedfor parents who are in the
waiting process of an adoption,and that book is called
The Great Waits.
By time this time last year,the paperback will be available.
Right now, the e-book is there,but it's ten action
steps for you.
Wait for your adoption.
So that book is designedfor those parents, like I
described myself when we had allof the check boxes checked
(50:04):
and the things done on ourto do list, and yet
we still had to wait.
What do you do with that time?
What do you do with it?
And how do you find joyin the journey?
And also prepare yourselfand your family or the adoption
that's coming into your family?
So there's that.
And then, through my business,I work with parents when I'm
doing coaching, but Ialso have some, video and
(50:29):
webinars and self-paced coursesbecause really, I did that
because in my busiest or hardestseason, I didn't have time
to meet one on one with somebodyvery often.
There were so many fires I wasputting out.
And so being able to have,you know, someone that
you can listen to, you, talkyou through a certain topic,
meltdown management.
How do we manage meltdowns?
(50:50):
What do we do in the moments,the heat of the moment?
And what do we doin the calm times
so we have fewer meltdowns and,peace classes.
So all that you can findon my website.
Nice touch coaching.com.
Beautiful.
And as always, folks,those will be linked in
our show notes.
So that resonates with you.
(51:10):
Please make sure topop down there.
Check that out.
That connected with all of thesewonderful resources,
books and courses and coaching.
The DNA just shared with us,you know.
Thank you again so much for,joining me today.
And thank you, everyonefor listening.
And we will see you next time.
(51:30):
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
If you can't get help.
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
(51:50):
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
(52:12):
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!
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