Send us a text with your feedback here!
Join host Reesa as she chats with Tiffany O’Hearn about healing, parenting, and the power of self-love. Tiffany shares her personal journey through divorce, the importance of modeling self-compassion, and even her favorite smoothie recipe.
In this episode, you’ll hear about:
- Tiffany’s background as an energy healer, podcaster, and advocate for self-acceptance.
- The essential role of self-love and compassion in effective parenting and relationships.
- How to navigate the narrative of “selfishness” when choosing yourself as a parent.
- Practical tips on apologizing to your children and fostering collaborative parent-child relationships.
- Tiffany’s go-to strawberry banana smoothie recipe and her insights on using fruit to bond with loved ones.
Don’t miss these honest insights and actionable tips for parents looking to thrive and connect more deeply!
From Tiffany:
Tiffany is an energy healer, speaker, and astrologer who helps individuals heal from trauma, connect with their heart space, and live in alignment with their true purpose. With a focus on self-love, past life healing, and intentional parenting, she empowers others to embrace their worth and find joy in every aspect of life.
Find Tiffany at:
https://www.facebook.com/tiffany.ohearn.9
https://www.instagram.com/heartinsoulhealing/
https://www.tiktok.com/@heartinsoulhealing
https://gnostictv.com/programs/tiffany-ohearn-2?via=tiffany
*******
Strawberry Banana Smoothie
1 1/2 cups frozen
strawberries
1 Banana
1/2 cup frozen
Avocado
1/2 cup Almond
Milk/or Coconut
Milk
Add all ingredients to
the blender, blend,
and enjoy!
******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I recognized you know, shortlyafter my divorce that I was
(00:03):
chaos inside, that I didn'tknow what safety felt like.
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
(00:26):
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
Hey, everyone.
Welcome back.
Thanks for joining me today.
I have the lovely Tiffanyjoining me.
(00:48):
Hi, Tiffany.
Thank you so much for beingon the show.
Thank you so much for having me.
So it's really just suchan honor and a pleasure.
Thank you.
Yes, absolutely.
Well, I'm so excited to chatabout your story and chat
about your recipe as well.
But before we get started,for anybody who doesn't
know you, can youintroduce yourself for us?
(01:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
My name is Tiffany O’HearnI am in Massachusetts
and the western part ofthe state there, and I am here,
you know, to use my voice.
I do an awful lot of podcastingand speaking.
You know, I am an energyhealer as well.
And so I work with, you know,individuals who who really
are ready to take thatbold step, you know, to come
(01:30):
back home to themselves.
Right.
And they want to transmutethese, these deep roots
that we have, you know,these traumas that we have
that we all have. Right.
But it's it's now nowis the time.
Now is the time.
And, you know, through,through all of my podcasting,
you know, speaking, writing.
I have a book coming up and,you know, all the ways
that I can take it out and usemy voice and to help
(01:54):
guide others to know that theyare enough and that,
you know, it's only a matterof coming back home to self
to realize how divinelyperfect we are and to move
forth right?
Because we all lead with love.
And that's the hopefulintention.
And so how do we connectback to self, to connect back to
that love, you know, tobring it back to humanity
(02:15):
because we are you know, we'rea community.
You know, we're all connected.
Wonderful.
Oh my gosh, I love that.
I love that mission,that project, if you will.
I heard you mentionedkind of a book.
So this is a perfect segue waythen into what I call
the shameless plug section.
So shamelessly share with uswhere can people find you?
(02:37):
What's the name of the book?
How can you find out everythingabout Tiffany?
Yeah, yeah, so I can be foundon Instagram and TikTok
under heart in Soul Healingbecause you cannot have
your heart.
You cannot have your soulwithout your heart, right?
There needs to be a connectionthere.
So heart and soul healingand I post all sorts of,
you know, reels and pinand, you know, whatever I share
(02:58):
as far as I'm concerned,it can answer someone's prayers
just as much as what otherpeople can share are certainly
an answer to my prayers.
So it's really in that givingand receiving the energy.
I'm on Facebook under TiffanyO'Hearn and my website is Dot
Heart and Soul healing.com.
And it was a collaborationfor a book that will be
coming out this spring.
And it was a chapter and it justpoured out of me.
(03:19):
And right now I have, you know,a full book ready and willing
to be read.
And I'm manifesting, you know,the opportunity with which to do
so, you know, and outsideof that, I'm creating right now,
I'm in the throes of creatinga community for really
for for soul and body, you know,healers to come about and then,
(03:41):
you know, these beautifullydefined, the searchers is, is,
is the word that I'm going with.
But that's not the titlewhich will seek, but.
Right.
We're all here to kind of help.
And so I'm creatingthis community sort of
as a bridge becausethere's so many different ways
to heal.
And mind is not the only way.
And I don't want it to bethe only way.
Right.
But how can we highlight otherbeautiful, wonderful healers
(04:02):
who are ready to work with,you know, individuals such
as yourself that are readyto take that bold step inward?
And so even if you just want tolook at it from the
outside. Right.
And so, that is in the works,you know, additionally,
I'm creating a mastermind for,you know, individuals
that just want to connect.
And I'm really just about beinga bridge and a conduit to as
many people, you know,that are is, you know,
(04:24):
soul centered, you know,and have that desire
to be the light within the worldthat we so desperately need.
Wow, that sounds incrediblypowerful.
And like you said, such aneeded space for folks that are
out there, kind of boots onthe ground doing that hard work
and really trying to helpour community and our world
(04:45):
really to be able to healand live kind of a better, more
thriving, successful lives.
That's absolutely.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,thank you so much for sharing
that with us.
Okay.
So what recipe are you sharingwith us today and why did you
(05:07):
choose that one?
Okay, I love this question.
So, additionally, outside of,you know, my healing
work, I also, do some nutrition.
A, it's called the mental healthAssociation, but I work with
individuals with TBI.
And so I go in and really tryto help to infuse how important
nutrition is in somethingthat always comes up as fruit.
(05:27):
And, you know, I often will say,because if you hear me talk,
you think that I probablysell fruit and I don't.
So I have no affiliationwith fruit.
But I just love fruit,because what I know about fruit
is this it unites us.
And if you don't believe me,try having a conversation
over a bowl of fruit, a hardconversation over a bowl
of fruit, and it will changethe energy of your conversation.
(05:50):
There's it's so the recipeis a smoothie because for me,
smoothies are a great wayto infuse all of this goodness.
Not just nutrition, right?
But if you think about how fruitis made right, you need the sun
in order to to to grow fruit.
What is the sun have in it?
Well, vitamin D, what issomething that makes us
really feel good insideis having a copious amount
(06:11):
of vitamin D, right?
So from our mind, bodyand spirit, fruit really helps
to connect us.
How is fruit when thereare three things that we need to
you know girlfriend right.
We talked about the sun.
We also need the rain.
We also need the summerwhere we get all of these
nutrients right.
If we think about nature,and nature is just a
place for love and so whenwe can eat fruit, right, that is
(06:31):
from a space and place of love,it only amplifies that radiance
within us.
And a lot of times we tryto make smoothies and I
see people do it all the time.
They're adding all of thesethings, and it's really in
the simplicity of a smoothiethat really helps.
My daughter is she lovessome of these, and mostly
she comes home and she's like,mama, I need fruit,
(06:52):
I need a smoothie, and youjust watch the transformation
inside, right?
And I'm taking a very, you know,interesting approach
to smoothies.
But I promise you, the next timeyou have this smoothie
or another one or a pieceof fruit, it's an invitation
just to connect in forone minute and see how it helps
you transform, becausethere's nothing sweeter than the
taste of fruit to our time.
And also our bodies knowexactly what to do with it,
(07:14):
so it doesn't.
It's okay.
And so the smoothie that that,the smoothie recipe recipe,
pardon me, is a strawberrybanana smoothie.
And it calls for oneand a half cups of frozen
strawberries, one bananaand a half cup of frozen avocado
with also a half cupof almond milk or coconut milk.
I will say trying to makea smoothie without a banana
(07:36):
is just not going to bethe same thing.
That banana really helps to helpto cultivate this really creamy
experience that you wouldn'tget otherwise.
It helps to like stabilizeall the flavors.
I don't really know what elsethe avocado is.
Also, because avocados, orone of the most beautiful,
you know, foods they're actuallylinked to like the nutritious,
(07:57):
the nutrients of a mother'sbreast milk.
That doesn't mean giveyour child avocado or not
breast milk, but it's justhow uniquely divine that fruit
really is.
And that will also help,you know, if we're having, you
know, let's say for diabetic,we don't want to have
all of that fruit.
It also helps to kind ofhold off that insulin response
as well as keep usfuller, longer, you know,
(08:18):
and I like to use coconutmilk myself because it is
the least amount of ingredientsin the most, you know, the most
impactful amount of nutrition.
Yeah, I love that.
And what's so interestingis because so lots of
my children, they had, you know,and it's a whole whole story,
but they had kind of a failureto thrive.
And so they're very much,on that high fat diet for quite
(08:41):
some time.
And so avocado has been a staplein our home for for a long time.
But I've actually had to put itin a smoothie.
So I absolutely love thisand I'm excited to try it.
Excellent.
Yeah, it definitely amplifies,you know, just the goodness of
it all.
And again, you know,frozen fruit is one of the
best things that we can stockour freezer with.
I find because it's soinexpensive and you're
(09:02):
not wasting it because it'sin the freezer.
Whereas a lot of times we'll buya big, you know, we'll go to the
grocery store and be like,I'm on my, you know, nutrition
bandwagon.
I'ma buy all the fruit.
And then by Friday we're goingto get rid of all the fruit
that we don't need. Right.
So frozen fruit is. Yeah.
Yeah.
It's, it's a, it's a reallyaffordable way to have
a lot of fruit.
And like I provided inmy daughter's lunch all the time
(09:23):
because by the time she getsto school and eats it,
it's perfectly refined enoughfor her.
And she gets delicious mangoand pineapple and strawberries
and blueberries and cherries andall the things.
And I think it's it's it's thatinvitation to, like, I get super
excited about fruit.
Can you tell?
I absolutely can, andit's palpable.
And I'm excited now to andand what I love is putting
(09:46):
it in there either packing itas a snack right for our kids
and being able, like you said,put it in there frozen.
You don't need to do muchand send it with them.
And by the time what timerolls around, they're able
to actually eat it.
You're absolutely right.
And that probably is not atthat point.
And so that's a really greatparents.
(10:07):
Again, not too great workby taking some of these tips
from our kids to help them,you know, kind of live
the best life that we can havethem live.
And I think that's whyso many of us parents to just
trying to do make.
Right? Right.
Yeah.
What better to fueltheir nutrition in my own,
I always put frozen fruit in mylunch too.
(10:29):
And then by the time I have it,it's ready to go and it just
pops up that, you know, thatelement of, you know, goodness
within you, right?
While you're eating it.
And we our bodies crave sugar.
We need glucose.
We need it constantly.
And fruit is such a greatway to do it because a
lot of times you reach formore processed things
that certainly don't necessarilyhelp us.
(10:49):
You know, in that mind body,you know, spirit or soul
connection.
Absolutely.
Well, awesome.
So am I just putting everythingkind of in the blender
and letting and thengoing to town?
So yes or no.
So ideally, you know,you want to put the banana,
you know, this is how I do it.
And I've made a lotof smoothies.
You know, I put in, you know,the banana first so that
(11:12):
the blender kind of has a,you know, a space to go.
And I like to put the smaller,or the bigger chunks in first,
and then when it comesto the liquid, you know,
you really just want toadd some.
And if it's stuck, you know,if it's not really
blending, it's just aninvitation to add a little bit
more liquid.
I don't know thatthere's always, you know,
like a half cup is going tobe always a satisfying
amount. Right?
(11:32):
Because it depends on how muchyou're making too. So
first foremost banana andthen the strawberries and then
the milk and then set it toblend or maybe avocado as well.
I probably put the avocadoon top of the strawberries
because the strawberries are,more thick right in nature.
And then, you know, you justset it to blend until it
(11:53):
has that consistency that,you know, that that you
really desire.
And the great thing isyou can just sample it
as you go.
You're not going to breakanything here.
Perfect.
And so I'm doing one of those.
Yeah.
Upside down.
And so it sounds likeif I'm hearing you correctly,
I always want to put my avocadofirst, then it's going
to be on top when I turn itupside down.
(12:13):
You got it.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well yes I can do this guys.
All right.
So while I get this, moving onmy end, I know that you were so
gracious to chat with us,about a topic that,
you know, many, many nurses,how many parents have
encountered at some point,whether it's a family member
(12:35):
themselves or whatnot.
And so I'm, I'm really superinterested in talking with you
about your experiencein navigating a divorce and how
you went about that, what yourjourney look like,
and being able to navigatethat at the same time,
being a parent and havingsomeone else very much involved
(12:59):
in that way.
And so could you sharea little bit, about your story?
Absolutely.
You know, and it's it'sit's such a it's such
an invitation for compassion.
Whenever we have conversationslike compassion for ourself
as well, you know, and justrecently, a few months back.
So I grew up, in a divorcedhousehold, like, before.
(13:21):
It was cool.
And I say that not verylightly. Right.
But I know, you know, 4040.
I'm 42.
And sorry about that.
I'm 42.
And so, you know, back inthe late 80s, you know, I
there wasn't another friendor peer that was in the similar
situation of having to goto their fathers and things
like that, you know, soit was really important
(13:42):
for me to have, you know,my daughter in a family
that stayed together.
Well, that wasn't what happened.
Right.
And so recently, I think about 2or 3 months ago, my daughter
cornered me.
I say that lovingly, and shesaid, mama, if you didn't
want me to grow up in a divorcefamily, why am I?
(14:03):
Oh wow.
Gosh, I imagine that hit hard.
Yeah.
So I sent her to her room.
No, I'm just kidding.
So I, you know, I grabbedher hands and I said, honey,
it's because I didn't knowwhat I know now.
And sometimes wanting somethingdifferent isn't enough
to actually get somethingdifferent.
(14:23):
And so, you know, I, I was ina very.
Challenging marriage.
And it took a great amountof strength because here's
the thing to.
Right.
Like, I, I know thatonce I decide to leave,
that this deeply affectsher child.
What I also know is stayingin it deeply affects
(14:46):
their child.
And so how do you step away?
And so what I did was, you know,after we agreed, you know, in a
very hostile way becausethis was then and I'm a
different person now, right.
But I remember taking offmy rings and feeling this great
amount of peace because whatI had dismissed for the last
(15:08):
seven years, probably morethan that, was me.
And so I very intentionallysaid to myself, I need to figure
this girl out.
I need to figure Tiffany out.
So Tiffany doesn't show uplike this again, because
this is not this is notwho I want to be.
This is not where I want to be.
(15:29):
You know?
And how do I how do Ibe vulnerable enough and
compassionate enough with myselfto also have some of this
transfer to my daughter?
And it took a great amountof courage.
And I know anybody who,you know, dissolves in marriage,
right?
It takes a great amountof courage, hopefully.
(15:51):
Right.
And within that there's a lotof wounding, you know, but also
there's wounding in therelationship, you know, and so
coming out of that and reallyjust taking a deep, deep look
at myself, you know, itwas really, you know, the most
opportune thing that I could doin that moment because I,
(16:13):
I didn't know who I was,you know, I looked in the mirror
and I was like, That doesn'tlook like me.
And so it was almost like all ofthis time I had not
witnessed the, thetransformation that it played in
my life now.
And to really work that back insomething that was extremely
difficult for me was knowingthat I did the same thing
(16:37):
that my parents did and why,instead of just saying being
the victim in it.
Like, of course I'm divorcedbecause my parents
were divorced.
Like, no, what in theirwhy, you know, and again,
really working that backand it was this most beautiful.
It's been six and a half years.
And the transformation that Ihave made within myself.
(17:00):
I mean, it's, it's night and dayand it was because I had
that intense need, desire,courage.
I don't know how you want to sayit, to go in words, you know,
and in realize, you know, it'ssomething that's been very clear
for me over the past year is,well, Tiffany, you spend
a lot of time trying toplease people.
(17:22):
I and I've been doing thatfor 41 years.
And so working that backhas also been extremely powerful
within my journey.
Because if I look back atmy marriage, what was I
trying to do.
I was trying to save somebodyfrom themselves because I saw
something different.
I've always been able to seepeople's energies
in their wounds.
I didn't know it at the time.
(17:43):
And so even as you know,a small child, my mom
would be upset and I woulddo everything I could to take
that away from her just to showher, no, you're still great.
You're still wonderful, you'restill divine.
And it never works because it'snot mine to show.
It's not mine to try to heal.
And so I spent most of my lifedoing just that.
And it's okay because I didn'tknow something I know now,
(18:05):
but I know somethingdifferent now.
And I know that I matter,and I know that, you know,
stepping into that has showedmy daughter something
very similar, right?
That we can choose differently,but we can choose ourselves
and that we can choose love.
And that's not what I couldhave shown her in that
relationship at all. Wow.
(18:26):
Can you say a little bit moreabout that?
Because what I love that youjust hit on there is kind of
choosing choosing myself.
And so I work with a lotof folks who, when they get
to that point,some of the narrative
that is really a big blockfor them is choosing myself
is equivalent to selfishness.
(18:46):
And this idea that ifI am selfish, I'm bad, I'm a
bad parent.
And so you seem more.
Was that something thatyou encountered in what was your
journey, kind of navigatingthat particular narrative?
I, you know, I had, you know,in the throes of separation.
(19:10):
I had met with a healer,and this was very new to me,
this whole, you know, I wasalways connected to something
deeper, but I couldn't put wordsto it, you know, and something
that she said to mewas, you know, you're you're not
helping yourself and you'recertainly not helping
your daughter.
And that was really hardfor me to hear because I thought
that I was, you know,all intentional and all
(19:32):
you know, was very intentionalparent.
And I was.
But when we take a lookat what selfish actually is,
we use it in a verynegative tone.
Yes, it can be a verynegative tone, but most of us
are programed to see it isonly negative, whereas no,
no, no, sometimes we we need toselfishly choose in the best way
(19:52):
possible ourselves,our boundaries.
Right?
And to stop giving so muchof ourselves, we especially
women, we're taught to bein a corner.
Mind your PS and QSand just give to everyone.
Well that's great.
Yeah, but we we matterso much more than that.
And most of us are walkingthrough life with our eyes
kind of shut because we'redisconnected from ourselves.
(20:14):
And so it really does take that,you know, sword in the
sand, like, I don't know how toput it right, that really
important moment in our lifewhere we go, no, I flip in
order to like I matter.
I, I matter.
And so how do I show up?
Because most of the timewe don't think that our children
see us.
(20:35):
Like, I was on this podcastwith this woman and she,
and I say this with so much lovebecause I feel like this is
a general conversationthat most of us have.
And she said, oh, it wasit was a new work environment.
We we're getting to knoweach other.
And so everyone said,what do you do for fun?
She says, me and this other mom,she says, we were like, well,
we raise children. Yeah.
And in her mind, that was it.
(20:57):
Well, I'm just here to raisechildren, and it wasn't
the place or space for meto offer my opinion.
And so I share it with you allbecause we are not.
We love our children,but when we show them that
we don't matter, they're goingto show up in that same energy
that and that's that's ahard thing for us as moms
(21:20):
to really see.
So when we dismiss ourselves,when we don't make time
for self-care, we're actuallytaking from our own car.
Therefore, we don't even haveenough to give to our children
authentically.
And it's really importantfor us, you know, on
the space moms as human beings,to really fulfill our cup first,
(21:41):
especially as moms, becauseour children are watching.
We do not teach our childrenanything we want them.
Yeah.
Can you can you say for you?
I have an idea, you know,and I have a similar mindset,
if you will.
But for for you,what is the difference then how
(22:01):
is teaching versus modelingdifferent?
And what is the impactthat maybe you've seen
firsthand with your own child?
Yeah.
I mean, so when wego to teaching, it kind
of takes me to this oldersort of paradigm where it's
like, no, that youdon't do that.
You can't talk to peoplelike that.
You can't talk to elderslike that.
(22:23):
And you're going, wait a minute.
That's not equitable.
Why should somebody who's30 years older than me get to
speak differently to methan I am to?
That?
Isn't relationships about givingand receiving, and that kid
that gets really lostwhen it comes to children?
I see children.
I see my daughter as beinga difference between her
(22:44):
and I just 34 years period.
I have 34 more yearsof experience than she does.
That is our difference.
And so I look at parenting asa collaboration and I know that
that gets a little, it's notsomething that we often hear.
Right.
But I know that I modelfor my daughter all of the time.
Guess what?
(23:04):
She models for me too.
She loves when we pick up trash.
I do it when she's not aroundbecause I know that it makes a
difference for her. Right?
And I'll share that with her.
She loves when we come up to astop sign and somebody looking
for money.
I always make sure I have cashin the car.
It is not mine to judge whethershe wants to give them
money or not.
She rolls down her littlemoney window and she hands
the money every time.
(23:27):
Because we're modelingfor each other, you know?
And so if you want your childrento show up in authenticity
and honesty, you have to show upin authenticity and honesty
right along with them around it.
It doesn't connect a circuit,right?
If your children are dishonest,yeah, it might be an invitation
for you to look at where am Idishonest to them?
(23:48):
What am I modeling for them?
Where am I dishonest to myself?
Because children highlighteverything within us.
They are our greatest teachers.
They are our hardest teachers.
They will poke you in waysyou've never been poked before,
right?
But if we can, if we canhold ourselves in this
place, space and placeof compassion and say,
(24:09):
what is this?
Why is my child you know,why is this activating something
within myself?
What is the message here?
What is the lesson?
You know, because I promise,if you show up in vulnerability
with your child, you know,in a way that's truly
unconditional, they will dothe same back to you
because you're modeling itfor them. Yeah.
(24:30):
And I think that that'sreally one of the, the most
important aspects.
And I unintentionally said itwas this conditional versus
unconditional love.
We often think because our loveis unconditional for
our children.
But I really I really,I really want to elicit this,
this feeling of if we don'tlove ourselves wholly
and completely, we cannotlove others outside of that.
(24:53):
And so if we are not fullygrounded and rooted and maybe
not fully, you know, wedon't have to be fully, but
we really want to come,come with ourselves or come to
ourselves with a space, a placeof compassion and not judgment.
If we can do that, then the loveoutside of ourselves will feel
that as well and be connectedwithin. Right?
(25:14):
A lot of us are verycodependent, and so
the love that we express outsideof ourselves is that fearful
love, right?
Like if you hear all the timeand I say this with such
kindness, but, you know,parents will post pictures
of their kid in tears.
And how come the timewon't stop?
And all of this?
I hear you, but maybe it'san invitation to be more
(25:36):
in the moment becauseyour children are going
to evolve.
Thank you.
How do we support them alongtheir journey?
Well, we can't if we're notsupporting ourselves along that
journey.
And I think that that'swhat kids are really here
to show us, is how to comeback to ourselves.
Because it's an extension.
Yeah, absolutely.
(25:56):
And I was going to just circleback to something that you
mentioned as far as that love,because I think there are so
many folks, you know, that willsay, well, I'm doing all
these things for my kids.
Of course I'm loving them.
Like, this is, like you said,unconditional.
It's about unconditional love.
What do you mean to bethat I'm not fully able
to love my kids if I don'tlove myself?
(26:18):
Can you say a little bit moreabout that?
Because I think that's sucha paradigm shift for many that
I've heard of, and so I'd lovefor you to kind of say a little
bit more about that.
Yeah.
And again, it comes withsuch gentleness and love
and compassion.
Right.
It's not to suggestthat you don't love
your children if you don'tlove yourself.
It is to suggest that the lovethat you're sharing outside
(26:40):
of yourself may not beas aligned with you, because we
have to feel it within firstto know what unconditional
love truly is.
We have to have it withinourselves.
And again, we can take the stepsfor English relationships.
Transform, right?
Because we, you know,our children are their own
(27:02):
autonomous little beings.
And a lot of times it's our fearthat stops their own autonomy.
Well, they can't actlike this now because I have
to teach them.
No you don't.
Your child is probably not goingto want to wear a costume at 16
years old.
It's okay if they'retwo years old in the grocery
store, right?
And if we can allow our childrento be autonomous, it's a huge
(27:25):
invitation for us to do the samethat, you know, and to show up
and vulnerability.
My favorite thing to tellmy daughter is I have no idea
what I'm supposed to do,you know.
Right.
I have no idea.
Why don't we what do you thinkwe could do, right?
And really help?
(27:46):
Because this is a collaboration.
And I know if I don'ttake the time for myself,
I cannot expect my daughter todo the same.
If I don't show up in love,I can't expect her
to do the same because shedoesn't.
Again, there's 3 or 4 yearsthat are different between us,
(28:07):
so I can love myself moreand show her that, show her
boundaries, show her all ofthese things.
You know, we haveevery opportunity to do it,
but we have to come backhome first.
And so to truly lovethose around us is to truly love
what's within us. Wow.
And it sounds like they're fromyou know, it's it's just
(28:30):
like you said, even at thebeginning here, starting
with that self-compassionand that self-love.
And it sounds like even a littlebit of grace for ourselves,
a little bit of humilityas well, but that it allows us
so much more than, youknow, it's imagine how much
we're loving our kids now, ifwe're able to kind of access
(28:50):
that extra love for ourselves.
It sounds like almost likenext level, you know, if we're
talking video games, whichmy boys are very into video.
So that all that's all thatI hear.
But you know, kind of unlockingthat next level of really
being able to pour into them,maybe in a way that we kind of
(29:11):
envision that maybe quitecan't fully we can't quite
fully access is that itmight seem that.
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, and I'mbrought to this because I know
that us as parents.
Right.
If we follow this culture of doodoo doo doo doo, well,
I have to offer my childrenand all of the sports.
I have to have my children andall the things because
they have to go to collegeand they have to do
all of these things becauseI didn't get to do them.
(29:32):
And I need to show them thatit's okay.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, right.
So I tell my daughter, right,she's eight, and I say, you can
pick two sports to play a year.
And I only choose two becauseI tell her because my time
matters to.
And if I'm constantly,every weekend bringing you
someplace, I am completelydismissing myself.
(29:56):
She's not going to knowto how to show up for herself
if I don't show up for myself.
And so I say no.
During the school year, we playtwo sports.
We're going to have a break.
You get to choose what sportsand what seasons.
I'll help you with that.
But it's only two because Imatter too.
And guess what?
So do you.
Because we often take our kidsdowntime away from them.
Because we don't knowwhat to do.
(30:16):
Because we don't knowhow to feel good inside.
We don't know how to pass.
And so downtime for us is like,okay, now what are we going
to do?
We got to do the nextbest thing.
I don't know what to do rightnow.
We have to model that for ourchildren too.
And I think that that again,that goes back to that,
you know, our children are goingto be great.
They're going to play sport,they're going to be smart.
All of our children areall of these things.
(30:37):
But if we only show them,if we only highlight for them
how smart they are and how goodthey are at sports,
it's a really tough life,but they have to work that our
responsibility as a parent,I feel, is to see them as their
autonomous little beingsand how to enhance that
within that, well, guiding them.
Because yes, we do have to say,you know, we do have to be
(30:59):
the one that's just like,actually, no, we're not going to
run out in traffic, right?
Yeah, we get that, you knowwhat I mean.
And if we can cultivate,you know, a lot of times,
you know, especially teenagers,they don't want to talk to
their parents.
That's why do you not offerthem that space so often?
We need to fill in the blanks.
Our child comes home and says,I have a bad day.
(31:20):
We go, why?
Oh my gosh, it wasn't that bad.
It's okay.
It was just him being there.
So it's okay.
And we talk over themunintentionally because it's
our own wounding.
We don't allow them to feelwhat they're feeling
unintentionally because it'sour own wounding.
And so we go into fix itwith our children.
Our children don't needus to fix it.
They need somebody with them,somebody a wise elder, right, to
(31:44):
take their hand and to walkthrough it.
What is your experience?
I can't know if you don'tshare it with me.
Right.
What does it look like whensomebody says this to you.
Where do you feel itin your body.
Such different questions andit's okay.
Won't be that big of a deal.
They're just doing that becausethey like you right now.
How can we honor their autonomy?
(32:06):
Because when they're outof our nest, how are they
going to be if we've doneeverything for them, if we felt
their feelings for them?
Yeah.
What I really appreciate inin what you're saying, it sounds
like you're saying at least is,is that when they come
to us, yes.
Many times there's thatinstinct to fix because we
(32:27):
see pain, like you said,whether it's activating
our own wounds and it can feeluncomfortable all.
And when we see that discomfort,it can be uncomfortable
to see it in our childrenstruggling through something
that we wish so deeply.
We wish we could take that awayand make it better, because
then it wouldn't feel souncomfortable.
And we know the discomfortbecause we felt it ourself.
(32:50):
And that's just in your skin.
With all of that, especiallylike you said, that it's
not something that's beengone on before, that you've
had the space to cultivateand figure out what it's like
to be in my body when I'mexperiencing something so big,
so uncomfortable, because it'sreally require me to kind of
look somewhere that'sreally scary, you know, and then
(33:13):
to, you know, that instinctof wanting to fix it,
it sounds like kind ofacknowledging it's coming
from a place that we're nottrying to we're not sitting in
that kind of, how can Istop my kids?
And then it's really like,how could I, you know, we're not
sitting there going,how can I pass this generational
trauma?
But really kind of fromthat piece of this is
(33:33):
uncomfortable.
How can I make it better becauseof that part of wanting to just
alleviate?
Because, gosh, I know how muchit hurts for me.
I don't want you to experiencethat, but it almost sounds like
when we don't allow themto experience that and to sit
with them in a way that itsounds like, you know,
approaching it with thatcuriosity, that numb,
(33:55):
non-judgmental, just,hey, this is a space that we can
share, even the ugliest itit isn't going to take away
from who you are, your worth,your value.
But it actually doesn'tallow them the opportunity
to get to that healing on a morepermanent level, a more
(34:17):
maybe useful for thefuture level than just
an immediate oh, you know,I believe that it for that
short blip.
Am I hearing that correctly?
Absolutely, absolutely.
Because our childrenare constantly learning.
You know, they're littlesponges.
I mean, we are too.
We just often don't see itthe same way, you know, as
(34:38):
children do, you know, and.
How they are now is is reallya testament to how they can be,
you know, because it's notalways right.
There are people whoclaw their way back,
you know, from, from reallyterrible things and step out.
You know, I like to think thatI well, I do I do know that
(34:58):
I had a very difficult childhoodin a very difficult, you know,
adulthood.
But here I am and I, I,I've changed.
So I know that it doesn'tnecessarily have to be raised
this way.
Right.
But if we can bring ina little bit of compassion
for ourselves and invulnerability and share that
with our children, and thatlooks like something
simple as, hey, I don'treally know what's going on
(35:21):
with me today, but I'mnot really treating you
or treating myself.
Yeah, the way feels good for me,and I'm very sorry about that.
I'm going to do everything I canto work on that for myself,
so I apologize, you know,for your experience if I've
hurt you in any way right.
And what you're saying, bringthat back to you know,
(35:41):
I can tell you that, you know,this was a couple of months ago
when my daughterslammed the door and she
opened it back up abouta minute later and she said,
mama, I'm so sorry.
She said, I was there wasa big feelings here.
I, I recognize that nowand I apologize now.
Huge.
It's seven years old.
You can do that.
(36:02):
What does that mean for the restof your life?
Because you've had a safeplace to do it.
That's the other thing, too.
And this is what I tellmy daughter.
I'm safe.
So if you mean don't tell me no.
Because, you know.
Right, I I've, I've heardI have a very deep bond and so I
say I'm a safe place.
So feel free to try outyour nose on me just to see
(36:23):
how they feel.
Right?
Because she often wants totell me.
Yes, but I'm like, you know,sometimes you got to tell mama.
No so that, you know, it'sokay to say it to other people
because I'm going to bethat safe place for you.
And I think we really,you know, it's such a
beautiful way to experience it.
We are a safe placefor our children, so we
cannot hold space for them.
And not only are theirrelationships going to
be affected either way, right.
(36:45):
I don't want to say it'spositive or negative.
I don't believe that.
But we're influencing all oftheir future relationships
by being there.
And we know it to be truebecause we can all look back
at our wounds of our child.
You know, we're never goingto see our children the way
they want us to see them.
We're never going to say all ofthe things.
Cool.
You don't have to.
You show up with compassion andvulnerability and apologize,
(37:06):
and you don't ever have to holdyourself to that standard
because you're in acollaboration.
You with your childwhen you wanted to get into
a little bit, if it's okaywith you because I heard you
a couple of times, sayan apology to our children
and to collaborating with themand now this is I don't know
if you've experienced this, I,I know especially I see it
more often than not,especially in the older
(37:28):
generations.
This idea of no way in the worldam I going to apologize
to my children, their children,you know, I'm not going
to collaborate with them.
And so I'm really curiousfor you how are you able to get
to that space and to thatability to look at someone,
like you said, your seven yearold kid and say you are worth
(37:50):
an apology.
You are worth me collaboratingwith you.
I want to hear your opinions.
I want to hear your thoughtsbecause they have speech.
They have, you know, it soundslike validity versus again,
maybe what prior generationswould kind of almost
oh no, no, no.
You know, I'm I'm notI don't need to apologize
(38:12):
to you.
You're a kid that you knowand that's that's gone.
Those old paradigms, you knowthey didn't service then
and they don't now.
And so when it comesto an apology, and this is why
your children can also besuper safe for you,
especially when they're young,right?
When you apologize to them,they wholly and completely
accept you.
Sorry.
(38:32):
They just do your partner.
Not so much, right?
They may not in that moment, butyour children go to them
and apologize for something.
You get on their leveland watch how they shift,
wash how they becomebecause you're modeling
something for them.
Unconditional love. Right?
And so the ego often doesn'twant us to apologize.
Practice on your childrenbecause they won't accept you
(38:55):
and receive you all of the time.
All of the times I was justwith this woman.
And, you know, she's really,you know, really recognized
how much of her daughter's life,you know, a lot of
the challenges she faces wasbecause of how she parenting.
Right?
She's 16.
So she said, I felt called.
I wrote my daughter a letterof apology.
Wow.
She handed it to her.
She said it was one of thosetender moments.
(39:16):
And I said, yeah, just do itfor yourself and for
your daughter.
She can move past all ofwhat you consider to be
a wrongdoing to her, because youopened up that space in place
of forgiveness for her andfor yourself.
And so when we can apologize,we're also forgiving ourselves,
right?
We're never going to speakto our children and all the ways
(39:37):
that we that we wantto we're going to snap, right?
But we need to hold ourselvesaccountable in that, you know,
and have that compassionand forgiveness within
ourselves.
You know, I don't knowif I think about the way
that I have raised my daughterfrom from newborn to now,
there are things that I would dodifferently.
(39:58):
But I didn't know somethingthat that I know now.
And so should I hold that spaceas shame and guilt or do
I move forward?
I let it go because it doesn'tserve me.
I didn't know something I knewsomething different. Now
I know how to apologizeto my daughter.
It has fostered all of theseother relationships with which I
apologize for, becausethe other thing that is
(40:20):
so wildly important is when weapologize, we're apologizing
for somebody else's experience,which is something
we don't know.
Anything else.
Right.
And if we can apologize ifwe understand that you and I
are having two differentexperiences and we're having a
collective experience rightnow, currently we're having
two different and onecollective.
We're on this podcast. Right.
(40:40):
But our minds are working in twodifferent ways.
I'm inspiring things.
And you, you're inspiringthings with me.
And so you're saying, hey,what was your experience
like that in that podcast?
Right?
I'm sorry for your experience.
If you felt that I was,you know, not listening to you,
not hearing you or distracted,I can work to be better,
(41:00):
you know, and I just I just wantto honor that.
I have a huge amountof leadership that
comes through.
And we we help ourselvesand we do that.
And even saying, listen,I apologize to myself.
Do you say that out loud?
Breathe out into existence.
I apologize for what I did.
No, I know somethingdifferent now.
I get now that I was reactiveand I forgive myself.
(41:21):
Right.
And and you can ask your child.
Ask them for forgiveness.
See if they forgiveyou. They will.
They will forgive you.
Right?
But it's like that, you knowthat that, I hope you.
No, I don't thinkI say it right.
But the hope being open, open.
I see it's so it's it'sit's to show up and say
I'm sorry, I love you.
(41:42):
Thank you.
And please forgive meif we can model in our life
by those four things, I shouldjust so we hold ourselves
accountable, we realize thatwe're imperfectly imperfect.
We don't need judgment.
We don't need shame.
Those things don't serve us.
You're only doing the best.
That's what you know,right in this very moment.
And if you know what, you knowsomething different.
So hold yourself accountablefor it.
(42:02):
It's so simple.
It's not easy.
And it does take some practice.
So again, work on it with yourchildren.
Show up for them.
Do it in the quiet stillnessof your.
Nobody even has to say, hey, I'msorry for acting.
I for I do better than do youforgive me?
We don't forgive you.
Every time.
Same as if your childcame up to you and said,
(42:23):
mama, listen, I'm so sorryfor what I said to you earlier.
Do you forgive me that youwon't say no?
Yeah, right.
Because you're there showing upin vulnerability and compassion
themselves too, and they'reready to take ownership.
Our emotions are constantlyflowing.
We cannot you know, oftentimeswe don't realize
(42:44):
when our nervous systemis engaged until somebody
spills the milk and wejust explode.
Yeah. Right.
Right. Yeah.
That must have been scaryfor you.
I'm so sorry that I didn'trecognize something that I
recognize. Now, I'm sorryfor your experience.
I imagine it was scary.
And ask questions.
Right.
(43:04):
And just hey I'm goingto do better.
I'm going to do better.
That's just better.
Not the best.
You're going to fix it.
But you can move forwardand do better because now
you know something right.
And what I love about that, it'salmost this mindset shift
that you heard, you mentionedthere.
You know, looking at an apologyas a form of leadership versus
an apology as a weakness,because I know I've heard
(43:25):
so many people kind of equateapologies with weakness versus
being able to have that shift ofwhat it takes to be able
to get on their level andto apologize.
And it shows, like yousaid, that leadership, that
initiative, humility to be ableto kind of move into that
and that that in itselfis such an intense sense
(43:48):
of weakness.
You know, weakness isn'tthat leadership isn't about
that ability to reallykind of model going back
and to tie it all together,right, to model the experience.
And so I'm really,really curious for you, was that
something that you that you canthat kind of forgiveness,
that self forgiveness, thatcompassion, something that
(44:11):
you had to really discoverthrough the divorce and of that
being, again, very differentthan maybe the plan that you had
for yourself going into that.
I mean, with was that ajourney that you had to walk
through?
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
(44:32):
And that's why I'm so gratefulto have that experience.
You know, as difficultas it was, I was able to
to illuminate the deepestparts of myself that really
wanted some attention.
You know, that inner child in methat really deeply desired it,
you know, and so oftenwe just go through our lives
with our blindfolds on and justthink it's going to get better.
(44:54):
Or, you know, when I getthis, this whole, you know,
this will be betteror this new job or this will be
the right thing.
And, you know, it's alwaysan invitation to come back to
forgive yourself.
You couldn't have doneeverything now the way
you wanted to.
You know, it's like whenyou were 16 and you stole
that thing.
Yeah, you were 16 and you stolethat thing.
(45:14):
Is that who you are now?
No.
Forgive yourself.
We often don't allow forgivenessin us because we feel that guilt
and shame is we'reattached to it.
We're tied to the guiltand shame.
And that that lowersour vibration.
It lowers our authenticity.
(45:35):
It lowers our humility.
It lowers our heart,our ability, you know,
so to come back to the heartand be like, yeah,
I forgive you.
Yeah, of course I forgive you.
It's so easy to forgiveeverybody else when we've made
those strides, to forgiveourselves, when we can hold
the situation in our handsand say, there's something
I didn't know here.
Oh, I forgive you.
(45:55):
I forgive you, I forgive you,I forgive you, I forgive you
in my energy healing.
We have to spend a fairamount of time, you know,
in forgiveness, your pinky isone right to your heart.
And so I say, okay,who do you need to forgive?
I need to forgive myself.
Yeah.
You do first.
It's always the first person.
It's always you to forgivefirst, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Gosh, such powerful words.
(46:16):
And I think what I reallyappreciate you being willing
to explore and to shareis that it sounds like.
And I don't want to put words inyour mouth, so correct me
if I'm wrong.
But within this we're able toexperience something
very different than maybewhat many parents are
maybe saying, you know, I'm inthis relationship
(46:37):
isn't in itself serving me,but my kids, how is it affects
my kids?
Am I going to damage them?
Am I going to ruin them?
And from your experience,it sounds like that
it was a very, very differentexperience than maybe that dark,
gloomy kind of narrativethat some people, get stuck in
and then by and large, end upcontinuing on, as you mentioned,
(47:00):
saying, oh, you know, I'llI'll just figure it out later.
I'll do me later.
It sounds like your experienceis very different than that,
but instead you've been ableto still maintain putting
your child in a space that she'sstill feeling loved
and that she's able tothrive in.
(47:21):
Oh, am I, am I hearing thiscorrectly about your experience?
Absolutely.
Because when we stay inrelationships that don't
serve us, it affectsour children.
It models for our children.
You know?
And a lot of times there'sfear, right?
There's fear because you'vebeen together for X
(47:41):
amount of time.
You go to work together.
There's family.
Yes, I get all of that.
You matter.
And if it doesn't feel good,you matter.
And if it doesn't feel goodto them, I promise you
it doesn't feel good tothe other person.
Because a relationshipis about having that ability,
you know what I mean?
And so, you know, you and Iare best friends and I'm like,
you know what?
I'm really feeling likeour friendship is kind of
(48:02):
falling apart.
You're not going to be like,oh, really?
I have no idea.
You're like, yeah,I kind of felt the same, right?
Because we are always feelingsomething very similar in
relationships that theother person is feeling.
And so, you know, my stiflingthat down, we're not showing up
for ourselves.
And then we become very fearfuland codependent in how
we express ourselves, especiallythrough our children and our
(48:24):
partners.
And so it's really about,you know, having that space
in place to know that youare enough and you're
going to get through it.
You will get through it.
You've gone through it this far.
You will continue toget through it.
The world is beautifullike that.
When we show up for ourselves,we actually it has a great
amount of connectivityto show us how beautiful
(48:46):
the world is, becausewe've just been blocking it
by dismissing ourselves.
If that makes sense.
Yeah, absolutely.
And for you, I'd loveto ask you, were there
any resources, any, you know,anything you found
on your journey that helped younavigate maybe, or make it up
just a little bit easierthat you would offer to anybody
(49:08):
listening who is maybesitting right about where
you were in in that, you know,the first thing was, you know,
I recognized you know, shortlyafter my divorce that I was
chaos inside, that I didn'tknow what safety felt like.
And so I was drawn to grieving,which is such a funny thing
(49:29):
because we do it all the time.
But I actually started WimHof breathing, and it's just.
And and I was like,oh, I do have the power to calm
myself down because that'swhat I needed.
I needed something to highlightfor me that I can stop the
chaos inside.
That was me on my journey.
And so I took to tothe breathing.
And when things would geta little chaotic inside,
I go right back to thebreathing.
(49:51):
And then throughoutthere, I just started to,
to find more ways to enhancethat stillness and peace
within me.
Right?
Nature, huge.
Nature was huge for me,getting out backpacking
and, you know, nature to meis nothing but love.
And so it really helpsto show us how divine
and infinite we all are.
(50:11):
And connected we are throughnature.
I also went through, you know,learned that there's a healing.
And I know it works because Ihave spent countless hours
on healing of myself.
I was just doing itthis morning.
Right.
I'm not healed.
And I won't be because mylife is is moving.
It's a journey.
But when somethingcomes up for me and I become
(50:33):
reactive, it's a space,a place to get curious.
And so, yeah, that keepscoming up for you to for me,
maybe that's something thatwe can heal now.
And so, you know, learning howto transmute these energies
in my, in my own life.
Right.
My own traumas and my ownwounds, my own patterns, so that
I can show up for myself becauseit matters to all my other
(50:53):
relationships.
And so breathing was wildlythe first one.
And finding that connectionto nature, to remember that
we are grounded human beings,you know? Yeah.
And then it was justthis invitation to really start
to heal these wounds.
I got into astrology, I got intonutrition.
You know, there's there'sso many ways that we can find
(51:13):
wellness within.
We just have to find whatworks for us.
And if this isn't somethingthat you've experienced
or explored before, well,this is why podcasting is such
a beautiful space and place.
Because we get to hear otherstories.
And you might not havelistened to half of what I said,
but maybe one thing you're like,oh, I'm actually going
to try that.
Beautiful, beautiful, becauseit's an invitation to come back
(51:36):
to yourself at all times.
Are you answering the call?
I don't know, I don't knowwhere you are in your journey.
I'm not on your journey,but I send you so much love
and compassion because we needall of that.
We need all of that love andcompassion within ourselves,
you know?
And if we can amplifyand radiate throughout
the world, you know,all the better, all the better.
(51:57):
But take a look at your life.
And if you're showing upand your wounds and your
traumas, your children need to.
And it's okay because youget to do something
different. Yes.
And when it's not to leaveyou right.
No, no, that's not a thing.
Okay.
So my last question for youbecause I think back to the
(52:20):
future, fam.
If you had access to a Deloreanand could go back, is there
anything that you wouldoffer yourself that you would
tell yourself that you can offernow to anybody listening?
I would go back to, I don't I'mgoing to say three,
four years old, maybe seven,because I feel like we have
(52:41):
a little bit more awareness.
And I would kneel downin front of my seven year
old self and tell her she's one,that I would tell her that what
she's hearing is big, badand just to stay with it
because all of these lessonswill come to you.
(53:01):
Come to this greaterunderstanding as you travel
through with love and wisdom.
But just know that youare enough.
Now.
And that's what I wouldtell you.
I love that so much willtake me.
So I'm going to blend thisand I'm so excited to try it.
And I've got my kids willget them some too. And so thank
(53:23):
you so much for being willingto share your story, share
some of your experienceand some of the things
that you've learned with meand anybody who's listening,
like you said, that maybe justone thing that struck home,
you know, and andreally hit home for them
that they're able to take.
(53:43):
And so you do really.
Thank you.
Tiffany.
That's the mission of the hopethat this podcast is that
somebody who's walking throughparenting, which is not as easy
as you've mentioned, it can feela little less lonely,
even if it's just for a fractionof the time.
And you know, thatwe're all going through hard
and we can we can do somethingdifferent and we can give back
(54:07):
to ourselves, and thatit doesn't make us a bad parent.
Right?
So just because it looks alittle bit different than all
of those kind of perfectparent things that are out there
right there, is that.
Yeah.
And there is no perfectthank you for the space
in which to really sharefrom the heart.
(54:29):
I really, truly appreciate it.
You're just a good, graciousand wonderful host.
So thank you for and thank youso much.
And, thank you all fortuning in.
We will see you next time.
And if you or anyonethat you know is struggling
with any of the topics that wediscussed in today's episode,
make sure to check outour show notes for support
(54:51):
and resources.
You can get help.
So thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The
Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
(55:11):
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food! Enjoyyour eats!
I recognized you know, shortlyafter my divorce that I was
(00:03):
chaos inside, that I didn'tknow what safety felt like.
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
(00:26):
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
Hey, everyone.
Welcome back.
Thanks for joining me today.
I have the lovely Tiffanyjoining me.
(00:48):
Hi, Tiffany.
Thank you so much for beingon the show.
Thank you so much for having me.
So it's really just suchan honor and a pleasure.
Thank you.
Yes, absolutely.
Well, I'm so excited to chatabout your story and chat
about your recipe as well.
But before we get started,for anybody who doesn't
know you, can youintroduce yourself for us?
(01:09):
Yeah, absolutely.
My name is Tiffany O’HearnI am in Massachusetts
and the western part ofthe state there, and I am here,
you know, to use my voice.
I do an awful lot of podcastingand speaking.
You know, I am an energyhealer as well.
And so I work with, you know,individuals who who really
are ready to take thatbold step, you know, to come
(01:30):
back home to themselves.
Right.
And they want to transmutethese, these deep roots
that we have, you know,these traumas that we have
that we all have. Right.
But it's it's now nowis the time.
Now is the time.
And, you know, through,through all of my podcasting,
you know, speaking, writing.
I have a book coming up and,you know, all the ways
that I can take it out and usemy voice and to help
(01:54):
guide others to know that theyare enough and that,
you know, it's only a matterof coming back home to self
to realize how divinelyperfect we are and to move
forth right?
Because we all lead with love.
And that's the hopefulintention.
And so how do we connectback to self, to connect back to
that love, you know, tobring it back to humanity
(02:15):
because we are you know, we'rea community.
You know, we're all connected.
Wonderful.
Oh my gosh, I love that.
I love that mission,that project, if you will.
I heard you mentionedkind of a book.
So this is a perfect segue waythen into what I call
the shameless plug section.
So shamelessly share with uswhere can people find you?
(02:37):
What's the name of the book?
How can you find out everythingabout Tiffany?
Yeah, yeah, so I can be foundon Instagram and TikTok
under heart in Soul Healingbecause you cannot have
your heart.
You cannot have your soulwithout your heart, right?
There needs to be a connectionthere.
So heart and soul healingand I post all sorts of,
you know, reels and pinand, you know, whatever I share
(02:58):
as far as I'm concerned,it can answer someone's prayers
just as much as what otherpeople can share are certainly
an answer to my prayers.
So it's really in that givingand receiving the energy.
I'm on Facebook under TiffanyO'Hearn and my website is Dot
Heart and Soul healing.com.
And it was a collaborationfor a book that will be
coming out this spring.
And it was a chapter and it justpoured out of me.
(03:19):
And right now I have, you know,a full book ready and willing
to be read.
And I'm manifesting, you know,the opportunity with which to do
so, you know, and outsideof that, I'm creating right now,
I'm in the throes of creatinga community for really
for for soul and body, you know,healers to come about and then,
(03:41):
you know, these beautifullydefined, the searchers is, is,
is the word that I'm going with.
But that's not the titlewhich will seek, but.
Right.
We're all here to kind of help.
And so I'm creatingthis community sort of
as a bridge becausethere's so many different ways
to heal.
And mind is not the only way.
And I don't want it to bethe only way.
Right.
But how can we highlight otherbeautiful, wonderful healers
(04:02):
who are ready to work with,you know, individuals such
as yourself that are readyto take that bold step inward?
And so even if you just want tolook at it from the
outside. Right.
And so, that is in the works,you know, additionally,
I'm creating a mastermind for,you know, individuals
that just want to connect.
And I'm really just about beinga bridge and a conduit to as
many people, you know,that are is, you know,
(04:24):
soul centered, you know,and have that desire
to be the light within the worldthat we so desperately need.
Wow, that sounds incrediblypowerful.
And like you said, such aneeded space for folks that are
out there, kind of boots onthe ground doing that hard work
and really trying to helpour community and our world
(04:45):
really to be able to healand live kind of a better, more
thriving, successful lives.
That's absolutely.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,thank you so much for sharing
that with us.
Okay.
So what recipe are you sharingwith us today and why did you
(05:07):
choose that one?
Okay, I love this question.
So, additionally, outside of,you know, my healing
work, I also, do some nutrition.
A, it's called the mental healthAssociation, but I work with
individuals with TBI.
And so I go in and really tryto help to infuse how important
nutrition is in somethingthat always comes up as fruit.
(05:27):
And, you know, I often will say,because if you hear me talk,
you think that I probablysell fruit and I don't.
So I have no affiliationwith fruit.
But I just love fruit,because what I know about fruit
is this it unites us.
And if you don't believe me,try having a conversation
over a bowl of fruit, a hardconversation over a bowl
of fruit, and it will changethe energy of your conversation.
(05:50):
There's it's so the recipeis a smoothie because for me,
smoothies are a great wayto infuse all of this goodness.
Not just nutrition, right?
But if you think about how fruitis made right, you need the sun
in order to to to grow fruit.
What is the sun have in it?
Well, vitamin D, what issomething that makes us
really feel good insideis having a copious amount
(06:11):
of vitamin D, right?
So from our mind, bodyand spirit, fruit really helps
to connect us.
How is fruit when thereare three things that we need to
you know girlfriend right.
We talked about the sun.
We also need the rain.
We also need the summerwhere we get all of these
nutrients right.
If we think about nature,and nature is just a
place for love and so whenwe can eat fruit, right, that is
(06:31):
from a space and place of love,it only amplifies that radiance
within us.
And a lot of times we tryto make smoothies and I
see people do it all the time.
They're adding all of thesethings, and it's really in
the simplicity of a smoothiethat really helps.
My daughter is she lovessome of these, and mostly
she comes home and she's like,mama, I need fruit,
(06:52):
I need a smoothie, and youjust watch the transformation
inside, right?
And I'm taking a very, you know,interesting approach
to smoothies.
But I promise you, the next timeyou have this smoothie
or another one or a pieceof fruit, it's an invitation
just to connect in forone minute and see how it helps
you transform, becausethere's nothing sweeter than the
taste of fruit to our time.
And also our bodies knowexactly what to do with it,
(07:14):
so it doesn't.
It's okay.
And so the smoothie that that,the smoothie recipe recipe,
pardon me, is a strawberrybanana smoothie.
And it calls for oneand a half cups of frozen
strawberries, one bananaand a half cup of frozen avocado
with also a half cupof almond milk or coconut milk.
I will say trying to makea smoothie without a banana
(07:36):
is just not going to bethe same thing.
That banana really helps to helpto cultivate this really creamy
experience that you wouldn'tget otherwise.
It helps to like stabilizeall the flavors.
I don't really know what elsethe avocado is.
Also, because avocados, orone of the most beautiful,
you know, foods they're actuallylinked to like the nutritious,
(07:57):
the nutrients of a mother'sbreast milk.
That doesn't mean giveyour child avocado or not
breast milk, but it's justhow uniquely divine that fruit
really is.
And that will also help,you know, if we're having, you
know, let's say for diabetic,we don't want to have
all of that fruit.
It also helps to kind ofhold off that insulin response
as well as keep usfuller, longer, you know,
(08:18):
and I like to use coconutmilk myself because it is
the least amount of ingredientsin the most, you know, the most
impactful amount of nutrition.
Yeah, I love that.
And what's so interestingis because so lots of
my children, they had, you know,and it's a whole whole story,
but they had kind of a failureto thrive.
And so they're very much,on that high fat diet for quite
(08:41):
some time.
And so avocado has been a staplein our home for for a long time.
But I've actually had to put itin a smoothie.
So I absolutely love thisand I'm excited to try it.
Excellent.
Yeah, it definitely amplifies,you know, just the goodness of
it all.
And again, you know,frozen fruit is one of the
best things that we can stockour freezer with.
I find because it's soinexpensive and you're
(09:02):
not wasting it because it'sin the freezer.
Whereas a lot of times we'll buya big, you know, we'll go to the
grocery store and be like,I'm on my, you know, nutrition
bandwagon.
I'ma buy all the fruit.
And then by Friday we're goingto get rid of all the fruit
that we don't need. Right.
So frozen fruit is. Yeah.
Yeah.
It's, it's a, it's a reallyaffordable way to have
a lot of fruit.
And like I provided inmy daughter's lunch all the time
(09:23):
because by the time she getsto school and eats it,
it's perfectly refined enoughfor her.
And she gets delicious mangoand pineapple and strawberries
and blueberries and cherries andall the things.
And I think it's it's it's thatinvitation to, like, I get super
excited about fruit.
Can you tell?
I absolutely can, andit's palpable.
And I'm excited now to andand what I love is putting
(09:46):
it in there either packing itas a snack right for our kids
and being able, like you said,put it in there frozen.
You don't need to do muchand send it with them.
And by the time what timerolls around, they're able
to actually eat it.
You're absolutely right.
And that probably is not atthat point.
And so that's a really greatparents.
(10:07):
Again, not too great workby taking some of these tips
from our kids to help them,you know, kind of live
the best life that we can havethem live.
And I think that's whyso many of us parents to just
trying to do make.
Right? Right.
Yeah.
What better to fueltheir nutrition in my own,
I always put frozen fruit in mylunch too.
(10:29):
And then by the time I have it,it's ready to go and it just
pops up that, you know, thatelement of, you know, goodness
within you, right?
While you're eating it.
And we our bodies crave sugar.
We need glucose.
We need it constantly.
And fruit is such a greatway to do it because a
lot of times you reach formore processed things
that certainly don't necessarilyhelp us.
(10:49):
You know, in that mind body,you know, spirit or soul
connection.
Absolutely.
Well, awesome.
So am I just putting everythingkind of in the blender
and letting and thengoing to town?
So yes or no.
So ideally, you know,you want to put the banana,
you know, this is how I do it.
And I've made a lotof smoothies.
You know, I put in, you know,the banana first so that
(11:12):
the blender kind of has a,you know, a space to go.
And I like to put the smaller,or the bigger chunks in first,
and then when it comesto the liquid, you know,
you really just want toadd some.
And if it's stuck, you know,if it's not really
blending, it's just aninvitation to add a little bit
more liquid.
I don't know thatthere's always, you know,
like a half cup is going tobe always a satisfying
amount. Right?
(11:32):
Because it depends on how muchyou're making too. So
first foremost banana andthen the strawberries and then
the milk and then set it toblend or maybe avocado as well.
I probably put the avocadoon top of the strawberries
because the strawberries are,more thick right in nature.
And then, you know, you justset it to blend until it
(11:53):
has that consistency that,you know, that that you
really desire.
And the great thing isyou can just sample it
as you go.
You're not going to breakanything here.
Perfect.
And so I'm doing one of those.
Yeah.
Upside down.
And so it sounds likeif I'm hearing you correctly,
I always want to put my avocadofirst, then it's going
to be on top when I turn itupside down.
(12:13):
You got it.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Well yes I can do this guys.
All right.
So while I get this, moving onmy end, I know that you were so
gracious to chat with us,about a topic that,
you know, many, many nurses,how many parents have
encountered at some point,whether it's a family member
(12:35):
themselves or whatnot.
And so I'm, I'm really superinterested in talking with you
about your experiencein navigating a divorce and how
you went about that, what yourjourney look like,
and being able to navigatethat at the same time,
being a parent and havingsomeone else very much involved
(12:59):
in that way.
And so could you sharea little bit, about your story?
Absolutely.
You know, and it's it'sit's such a it's such
an invitation for compassion.
Whenever we have conversationslike compassion for ourself
as well, you know, and justrecently, a few months back.
So I grew up, in a divorcedhousehold, like, before.
(13:21):
It was cool.
And I say that not verylightly. Right.
But I know, you know, 4040.
I'm 42.
And sorry about that.
I'm 42.
And so, you know, back inthe late 80s, you know, I
there wasn't another friendor peer that was in the similar
situation of having to goto their fathers and things
like that, you know, soit was really important
(13:42):
for me to have, you know,my daughter in a family
that stayed together.
Well, that wasn't what happened.
Right.
And so recently, I think about 2or 3 months ago, my daughter
cornered me.
I say that lovingly, and shesaid, mama, if you didn't
want me to grow up in a divorcefamily, why am I?
(14:03):
Oh wow.
Gosh, I imagine that hit hard.
Yeah.
So I sent her to her room.
No, I'm just kidding.
So I, you know, I grabbedher hands and I said, honey,
it's because I didn't knowwhat I know now.
And sometimes wanting somethingdifferent isn't enough
to actually get somethingdifferent.
(14:23):
And so, you know, I, I was ina very.
Challenging marriage.
And it took a great amountof strength because here's
the thing to.
Right.
Like, I, I know thatonce I decide to leave,
that this deeply affectsher child.
What I also know is stayingin it deeply affects
(14:46):
their child.
And so how do you step away?
And so what I did was, you know,after we agreed, you know, in a
very hostile way becausethis was then and I'm a
different person now, right.
But I remember taking offmy rings and feeling this great
amount of peace because whatI had dismissed for the last
(15:08):
seven years, probably morethan that, was me.
And so I very intentionallysaid to myself, I need to figure
this girl out.
I need to figure Tiffany out.
So Tiffany doesn't show uplike this again, because
this is not this is notwho I want to be.
This is not where I want to be.
(15:29):
You know?
And how do I how do Ibe vulnerable enough and
compassionate enough with myselfto also have some of this
transfer to my daughter?
And it took a great amountof courage.
And I know anybody who,you know, dissolves in marriage,
right?
It takes a great amountof courage, hopefully.
(15:51):
Right.
And within that there's a lotof wounding, you know, but also
there's wounding in therelationship, you know, and so
coming out of that and reallyjust taking a deep, deep look
at myself, you know, itwas really, you know, the most
opportune thing that I could doin that moment because I,
(16:13):
I didn't know who I was,you know, I looked in the mirror
and I was like, That doesn'tlook like me.
And so it was almost like all ofthis time I had not
witnessed the, thetransformation that it played in
my life now.
And to really work that back insomething that was extremely
difficult for me was knowingthat I did the same thing
(16:37):
that my parents did and why,instead of just saying being
the victim in it.
Like, of course I'm divorcedbecause my parents
were divorced.
Like, no, what in theirwhy, you know, and again,
really working that backand it was this most beautiful.
It's been six and a half years.
And the transformation that Ihave made within myself.
(17:00):
I mean, it's, it's night and dayand it was because I had
that intense need, desire,courage.
I don't know how you want to sayit, to go in words, you know,
and in realize, you know, it'ssomething that's been very clear
for me over the past year is,well, Tiffany, you spend
a lot of time trying toplease people.
(17:22):
I and I've been doing thatfor 41 years.
And so working that backhas also been extremely powerful
within my journey.
Because if I look back atmy marriage, what was I
trying to do.
I was trying to save somebodyfrom themselves because I saw
something different.
I've always been able to seepeople's energies
in their wounds.
I didn't know it at the time.
(17:43):
And so even as you know,a small child, my mom
would be upset and I woulddo everything I could to take
that away from her just to showher, no, you're still great.
You're still wonderful, you'restill divine.
And it never works because it'snot mine to show.
It's not mine to try to heal.
And so I spent most of my lifedoing just that.
And it's okay because I didn'tknow something I know now,
(18:05):
but I know somethingdifferent now.
And I know that I matter,and I know that, you know,
stepping into that has showedmy daughter something
very similar, right?
That we can choose differently,but we can choose ourselves
and that we can choose love.
And that's not what I couldhave shown her in that
relationship at all. Wow.
(18:26):
Can you say a little bit moreabout that?
Because what I love that youjust hit on there is kind of
choosing choosing myself.
And so I work with a lotof folks who, when they get
to that point,some of the narrative
that is really a big blockfor them is choosing myself
is equivalent to selfishness.
(18:46):
And this idea that ifI am selfish, I'm bad, I'm a
bad parent.
And so you seem more.
Was that something thatyou encountered in what was your
journey, kind of navigatingthat particular narrative?
I, you know, I had, you know,in the throes of separation.
(19:10):
I had met with a healer,and this was very new to me,
this whole, you know, I wasalways connected to something
deeper, but I couldn't put wordsto it, you know, and something
that she said to mewas, you know, you're you're not
helping yourself and you'recertainly not helping
your daughter.
And that was really hardfor me to hear because I thought
that I was, you know,all intentional and all
(19:32):
you know, was very intentionalparent.
And I was.
But when we take a lookat what selfish actually is,
we use it in a verynegative tone.
Yes, it can be a verynegative tone, but most of us
are programed to see it isonly negative, whereas no,
no, no, sometimes we we need toselfishly choose in the best way
(19:52):
possible ourselves,our boundaries.
Right?
And to stop giving so muchof ourselves, we especially
women, we're taught to bein a corner.
Mind your PS and QSand just give to everyone.
Well that's great.
Yeah, but we we matterso much more than that.
And most of us are walkingthrough life with our eyes
kind of shut because we'redisconnected from ourselves.
(20:14):
And so it really does take that,you know, sword in the
sand, like, I don't know how toput it right, that really
important moment in our lifewhere we go, no, I flip in
order to like I matter.
I, I matter.
And so how do I show up?
Because most of the timewe don't think that our children
see us.
(20:35):
Like, I was on this podcastwith this woman and she,
and I say this with so much lovebecause I feel like this is
a general conversationthat most of us have.
And she said, oh, it wasit was a new work environment.
We we're getting to knoweach other.
And so everyone said,what do you do for fun?
She says, me and this other mom,she says, we were like, well,
we raise children. Yeah.
And in her mind, that was it.
(20:57):
Well, I'm just here to raisechildren, and it wasn't
the place or space for meto offer my opinion.
And so I share it with you allbecause we are not.
We love our children,but when we show them that
we don't matter, they're goingto show up in that same energy
that and that's that's ahard thing for us as moms
(21:20):
to really see.
So when we dismiss ourselves,when we don't make time
for self-care, we're actuallytaking from our own car.
Therefore, we don't even haveenough to give to our children
authentically.
And it's really importantfor us, you know, on
the space moms as human beings,to really fulfill our cup first,
(21:41):
especially as moms, becauseour children are watching.
We do not teach our childrenanything we want them.
Yeah.
Can you can you say for you?
I have an idea, you know,and I have a similar mindset,
if you will.
But for for you,what is the difference then how
(22:01):
is teaching versus modelingdifferent?
And what is the impactthat maybe you've seen
firsthand with your own child?
Yeah.
I mean, so when wego to teaching, it kind
of takes me to this oldersort of paradigm where it's
like, no, that youdon't do that.
You can't talk to peoplelike that.
You can't talk to elderslike that.
(22:23):
And you're going, wait a minute.
That's not equitable.
Why should somebody who's30 years older than me get to
speak differently to methan I am to?
That?
Isn't relationships about givingand receiving, and that kid
that gets really lostwhen it comes to children?
I see children.
I see my daughter as beinga difference between her
(22:44):
and I just 34 years period.
I have 34 more yearsof experience than she does.
That is our difference.
And so I look at parenting asa collaboration and I know that
that gets a little, it's notsomething that we often hear.
Right.
But I know that I modelfor my daughter all of the time.
Guess what?
(23:04):
She models for me too.
She loves when we pick up trash.
I do it when she's not aroundbecause I know that it makes a
difference for her. Right?
And I'll share that with her.
She loves when we come up to astop sign and somebody looking
for money.
I always make sure I have cashin the car.
It is not mine to judge whethershe wants to give them
money or not.
She rolls down her littlemoney window and she hands
the money every time.
(23:27):
Because we're modelingfor each other, you know?
And so if you want your childrento show up in authenticity
and honesty, you have to show upin authenticity and honesty
right along with them around it.
It doesn't connect a circuit,right?
If your children are dishonest,yeah, it might be an invitation
for you to look at where am Idishonest to them?
(23:48):
What am I modeling for them?
Where am I dishonest to myself?
Because children highlighteverything within us.
They are our greatest teachers.
They are our hardest teachers.
They will poke you in waysyou've never been poked before,
right?
But if we can, if we canhold ourselves in this
place, space and placeof compassion and say,
(24:09):
what is this?
Why is my child you know,why is this activating something
within myself?
What is the message here?
What is the lesson?
You know, because I promise,if you show up in vulnerability
with your child, you know,in a way that's truly
unconditional, they will dothe same back to you
because you're modeling itfor them. Yeah.
(24:30):
And I think that that'sreally one of the, the most
important aspects.
And I unintentionally said itwas this conditional versus
unconditional love.
We often think because our loveis unconditional for
our children.
But I really I really,I really want to elicit this,
this feeling of if we don'tlove ourselves wholly
and completely, we cannotlove others outside of that.
(24:53):
And so if we are not fullygrounded and rooted and maybe
not fully, you know, wedon't have to be fully, but
we really want to come,come with ourselves or come to
ourselves with a space, a placeof compassion and not judgment.
If we can do that, then the loveoutside of ourselves will feel
that as well and be connectedwithin. Right?
(25:14):
A lot of us are verycodependent, and so
the love that we express outsideof ourselves is that fearful
love, right?
Like if you hear all the timeand I say this with such
kindness, but, you know,parents will post pictures
of their kid in tears.
And how come the timewon't stop?
And all of this?
I hear you, but maybe it'san invitation to be more
(25:36):
in the moment becauseyour children are going
to evolve.
Thank you.
How do we support them alongtheir journey?
Well, we can't if we're notsupporting ourselves along that
journey.
And I think that that'swhat kids are really here
to show us, is how to comeback to ourselves.
Because it's an extension.
Yeah, absolutely.
(25:56):
And I was going to just circleback to something that you
mentioned as far as that love,because I think there are so
many folks, you know, that willsay, well, I'm doing all
these things for my kids.
Of course I'm loving them.
Like, this is, like you said,unconditional.
It's about unconditional love.
What do you mean to bethat I'm not fully able
to love my kids if I don'tlove myself?
(26:18):
Can you say a little bit moreabout that?
Because I think that's sucha paradigm shift for many that
I've heard of, and so I'd lovefor you to kind of say a little
bit more about that.
Yeah.
And again, it comes withsuch gentleness and love
and compassion.
Right.
It's not to suggestthat you don't love
your children if you don'tlove yourself.
It is to suggest that the lovethat you're sharing outside
(26:40):
of yourself may not beas aligned with you, because we
have to feel it within firstto know what unconditional
love truly is.
We have to have it withinourselves.
And again, we can take the stepsfor English relationships.
Transform, right?
Because we, you know,our children are their own
(27:02):
autonomous little beings.
And a lot of times it's our fearthat stops their own autonomy.
Well, they can't actlike this now because I have
to teach them.
No you don't.
Your child is probably not goingto want to wear a costume at 16
years old.
It's okay if they'retwo years old in the grocery
store, right?
And if we can allow our childrento be autonomous, it's a huge
(27:25):
invitation for us to do the samethat, you know, and to show up
and vulnerability.
My favorite thing to tellmy daughter is I have no idea
what I'm supposed to do,you know.
Right.
I have no idea.
Why don't we what do you thinkwe could do, right?
And really help?
(27:46):
Because this is a collaboration.
And I know if I don'ttake the time for myself,
I cannot expect my daughter todo the same.
If I don't show up in love,I can't expect her
to do the same because shedoesn't.
Again, there's 3 or 4 yearsthat are different between us,
(28:07):
so I can love myself moreand show her that, show her
boundaries, show her all ofthese things.
You know, we haveevery opportunity to do it,
but we have to come backhome first.
And so to truly lovethose around us is to truly love
what's within us. Wow.
And it sounds like they're fromyou know, it's it's just
(28:30):
like you said, even at thebeginning here, starting
with that self-compassionand that self-love.
And it sounds like even a littlebit of grace for ourselves,
a little bit of humilityas well, but that it allows us
so much more than, youknow, it's imagine how much
we're loving our kids now, ifwe're able to kind of access
(28:50):
that extra love for ourselves.
It sounds like almost likenext level, you know, if we're
talking video games, whichmy boys are very into video.
So that all that's all thatI hear.
But you know, kind of unlockingthat next level of really
being able to pour into them,maybe in a way that we kind of
(29:11):
envision that maybe quitecan't fully we can't quite
fully access is that itmight seem that.
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, and I'mbrought to this because I know
that us as parents.
Right.
If we follow this culture of doodoo doo doo doo, well,
I have to offer my childrenand all of the sports.
I have to have my children andall the things because
they have to go to collegeand they have to do
all of these things becauseI didn't get to do them.
(29:32):
And I need to show them thatit's okay.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, right.
So I tell my daughter, right,she's eight, and I say, you can
pick two sports to play a year.
And I only choose two becauseI tell her because my time
matters to.
And if I'm constantly,every weekend bringing you
someplace, I am completelydismissing myself.
(29:56):
She's not going to knowto how to show up for herself
if I don't show up for myself.
And so I say no.
During the school year, we playtwo sports.
We're going to have a break.
You get to choose what sportsand what seasons.
I'll help you with that.
But it's only two because Imatter too.
And guess what?
So do you.
Because we often take our kidsdowntime away from them.
Because we don't knowwhat to do.
(30:16):
Because we don't knowhow to feel good inside.
We don't know how to pass.
And so downtime for us is like,okay, now what are we going
to do?
We got to do the nextbest thing.
I don't know what to do rightnow.
We have to model that for ourchildren too.
And I think that that again,that goes back to that,
you know, our children are goingto be great.
They're going to play sport,they're going to be smart.
All of our children areall of these things.
(30:37):
But if we only show them,if we only highlight for them
how smart they are and how goodthey are at sports,
it's a really tough life,but they have to work that our
responsibility as a parent,I feel, is to see them as their
autonomous little beingsand how to enhance that
within that, well, guiding them.
Because yes, we do have to say,you know, we do have to be
(30:59):
the one that's just like,actually, no, we're not going to
run out in traffic, right?
Yeah, we get that, you knowwhat I mean.
And if we can cultivate,you know, a lot of times,
you know, especially teenagers,they don't want to talk to
their parents.
That's why do you not offerthem that space so often?
We need to fill in the blanks.
Our child comes home and says,I have a bad day.
(31:20):
We go, why?
Oh my gosh, it wasn't that bad.
It's okay.
It was just him being there.
So it's okay.
And we talk over themunintentionally because it's
our own wounding.
We don't allow them to feelwhat they're feeling
unintentionally because it'sour own wounding.
And so we go into fix itwith our children.
Our children don't needus to fix it.
They need somebody with them,somebody a wise elder, right, to
(31:44):
take their hand and to walkthrough it.
What is your experience?
I can't know if you don'tshare it with me.
Right.
What does it look like whensomebody says this to you.
Where do you feel itin your body.
Such different questions andit's okay.
Won't be that big of a deal.
They're just doing that becausethey like you right now.
How can we honor their autonomy?
(32:06):
Because when they're outof our nest, how are they
going to be if we've doneeverything for them, if we felt
their feelings for them?
Yeah.
What I really appreciate inin what you're saying, it sounds
like you're saying at least is,is that when they come
to us, yes.
Many times there's thatinstinct to fix because we
(32:27):
see pain, like you said,whether it's activating
our own wounds and it can feeluncomfortable all.
And when we see that discomfort,it can be uncomfortable
to see it in our childrenstruggling through something
that we wish so deeply.
We wish we could take that awayand make it better, because
then it wouldn't feel souncomfortable.
And we know the discomfortbecause we felt it ourself.
(32:50):
And that's just in your skin.
With all of that, especiallylike you said, that it's
not something that's beengone on before, that you've
had the space to cultivateand figure out what it's like
to be in my body when I'mexperiencing something so big,
so uncomfortable, because it'sreally require me to kind of
look somewhere that'sreally scary, you know, and then
(33:13):
to, you know, that instinctof wanting to fix it,
it sounds like kind ofacknowledging it's coming
from a place that we're nottrying to we're not sitting in
that kind of, how can Istop my kids?
And then it's really like,how could I, you know, we're not
sitting there going,how can I pass this generational
trauma?
But really kind of fromthat piece of this is
(33:33):
uncomfortable.
How can I make it better becauseof that part of wanting to just
alleviate?
Because, gosh, I know how muchit hurts for me.
I don't want you to experiencethat, but it almost sounds like
when we don't allow themto experience that and to sit
with them in a way that itsounds like, you know,
approaching it with thatcuriosity, that numb,
(33:55):
non-judgmental, just,hey, this is a space that we can
share, even the ugliest itit isn't going to take away
from who you are, your worth,your value.
But it actually doesn'tallow them the opportunity
to get to that healing on a morepermanent level, a more
(34:17):
maybe useful for thefuture level than just
an immediate oh, you know,I believe that it for that
short blip.
Am I hearing that correctly?
Absolutely, absolutely.
Because our childrenare constantly learning.
You know, they're littlesponges.
I mean, we are too.
We just often don't see itthe same way, you know, as
(34:38):
children do, you know, and.
How they are now is is reallya testament to how they can be,
you know, because it's notalways right.
There are people whoclaw their way back,
you know, from, from reallyterrible things and step out.
You know, I like to think thatI well, I do I do know that
(34:58):
I had a very difficult childhoodin a very difficult, you know,
adulthood.
But here I am and I, I,I've changed.
So I know that it doesn'tnecessarily have to be raised
this way.
Right.
But if we can bring ina little bit of compassion
for ourselves and invulnerability and share that
with our children, and thatlooks like something
simple as, hey, I don'treally know what's going on
(35:21):
with me today, but I'mnot really treating you
or treating myself.
Yeah, the way feels good for me,and I'm very sorry about that.
I'm going to do everything I canto work on that for myself,
so I apologize, you know,for your experience if I've
hurt you in any way right.
And what you're saying, bringthat back to you know,
(35:41):
I can tell you that, you know,this was a couple of months ago
when my daughterslammed the door and she
opened it back up abouta minute later and she said,
mama, I'm so sorry.
She said, I was there wasa big feelings here.
I, I recognize that nowand I apologize now.
Huge.
It's seven years old.
You can do that.
(36:02):
What does that mean for the restof your life?
Because you've had a safeplace to do it.
That's the other thing, too.
And this is what I tellmy daughter.
I'm safe.
So if you mean don't tell me no.
Because, you know.
Right, I I've, I've heardI have a very deep bond and so I
say I'm a safe place.
So feel free to try outyour nose on me just to see
(36:23):
how they feel.
Right?
Because she often wants totell me.
Yes, but I'm like, you know,sometimes you got to tell mama.
No so that, you know, it'sokay to say it to other people
because I'm going to bethat safe place for you.
And I think we really,you know, it's such a
beautiful way to experience it.
We are a safe placefor our children, so we
cannot hold space for them.
And not only are theirrelationships going to
be affected either way, right.
(36:45):
I don't want to say it'spositive or negative.
I don't believe that.
But we're influencing all oftheir future relationships
by being there.
And we know it to be truebecause we can all look back
at our wounds of our child.
You know, we're never goingto see our children the way
they want us to see them.
We're never going to say all ofthe things.
Cool.
You don't have to.
You show up with compassion andvulnerability and apologize,
(37:06):
and you don't ever have to holdyourself to that standard
because you're in acollaboration.
You with your childwhen you wanted to get into
a little bit, if it's okaywith you because I heard you
a couple of times, sayan apology to our children
and to collaborating with themand now this is I don't know
if you've experienced this, I,I know especially I see it
more often than not,especially in the older
(37:28):
generations.
This idea of no way in the worldam I going to apologize
to my children, their children,you know, I'm not going
to collaborate with them.
And so I'm really curiousfor you how are you able to get
to that space and to thatability to look at someone,
like you said, your seven yearold kid and say you are worth
(37:50):
an apology.
You are worth me collaboratingwith you.
I want to hear your opinions.
I want to hear your thoughtsbecause they have speech.
They have, you know, it soundslike validity versus again,
maybe what prior generationswould kind of almost
oh no, no, no.
You know, I'm I'm notI don't need to apologize
(38:12):
to you.
You're a kid that you knowand that's that's gone.
Those old paradigms, you knowthey didn't service then
and they don't now.
And so when it comesto an apology, and this is why
your children can also besuper safe for you,
especially when they're young,right?
When you apologize to them,they wholly and completely
accept you.
Sorry.
(38:32):
They just do your partner.
Not so much, right?
They may not in that moment, butyour children go to them
and apologize for something.
You get on their leveland watch how they shift,
wash how they becomebecause you're modeling
something for them.
Unconditional love. Right?
And so the ego often doesn'twant us to apologize.
Practice on your childrenbecause they won't accept you
(38:55):
and receive you all of the time.
All of the times I was justwith this woman.
And, you know, she's really,you know, really recognized
how much of her daughter's life,you know, a lot of
the challenges she faces wasbecause of how she parenting.
Right?
She's 16.
So she said, I felt called.
I wrote my daughter a letterof apology.
Wow.
She handed it to her.
She said it was one of thosetender moments.
(39:16):
And I said, yeah, just do itfor yourself and for
your daughter.
She can move past all ofwhat you consider to be
a wrongdoing to her, because youopened up that space in place
of forgiveness for her andfor yourself.
And so when we can apologize,we're also forgiving ourselves,
right?
We're never going to speakto our children and all the ways
(39:37):
that we that we wantto we're going to snap, right?
But we need to hold ourselvesaccountable in that, you know,
and have that compassionand forgiveness within
ourselves.
You know, I don't knowif I think about the way
that I have raised my daughterfrom from newborn to now,
there are things that I would dodifferently.
(39:58):
But I didn't know somethingthat that I know now.
And so should I hold that spaceas shame and guilt or do
I move forward?
I let it go because it doesn'tserve me.
I didn't know something I knewsomething different. Now
I know how to apologizeto my daughter.
It has fostered all of theseother relationships with which I
apologize for, becausethe other thing that is
(40:20):
so wildly important is when weapologize, we're apologizing
for somebody else's experience,which is something
we don't know.
Anything else.
Right.
And if we can apologize ifwe understand that you and I
are having two differentexperiences and we're having a
collective experience rightnow, currently we're having
two different and onecollective.
We're on this podcast. Right.
(40:40):
But our minds are working in twodifferent ways.
I'm inspiring things.
And you, you're inspiringthings with me.
And so you're saying, hey,what was your experience
like that in that podcast?
Right?
I'm sorry for your experience.
If you felt that I was,you know, not listening to you,
not hearing you or distracted,I can work to be better,
(41:00):
you know, and I just I just wantto honor that.
I have a huge amountof leadership that
comes through.
And we we help ourselvesand we do that.
And even saying, listen,I apologize to myself.
Do you say that out loud?
Breathe out into existence.
I apologize for what I did.
No, I know somethingdifferent now.
I get now that I was reactiveand I forgive myself.
(41:21):
Right.
And and you can ask your child.
Ask them for forgiveness.
See if they forgiveyou. They will.
They will forgive you.
Right?
But it's like that, you knowthat that, I hope you.
No, I don't thinkI say it right.
But the hope being open, open.
I see it's so it's it'sit's to show up and say
I'm sorry, I love you.
(41:42):
Thank you.
And please forgive meif we can model in our life
by those four things, I shouldjust so we hold ourselves
accountable, we realize thatwe're imperfectly imperfect.
We don't need judgment.
We don't need shame.
Those things don't serve us.
You're only doing the best.
That's what you know,right in this very moment.
And if you know what, you knowsomething different.
So hold yourself accountablefor it.
(42:02):
It's so simple.
It's not easy.
And it does take some practice.
So again, work on it with yourchildren.
Show up for them.
Do it in the quiet stillnessof your.
Nobody even has to say, hey, I'msorry for acting.
I for I do better than do youforgive me?
We don't forgive you.
Every time.
Same as if your childcame up to you and said,
(42:23):
mama, listen, I'm so sorryfor what I said to you earlier.
Do you forgive me that youwon't say no?
Yeah, right.
Because you're there showing upin vulnerability and compassion
themselves too, and they'reready to take ownership.
Our emotions are constantlyflowing.
We cannot you know, oftentimeswe don't realize
(42:44):
when our nervous systemis engaged until somebody
spills the milk and wejust explode.
Yeah. Right.
Right. Yeah.
That must have been scaryfor you.
I'm so sorry that I didn'trecognize something that I
recognize. Now, I'm sorryfor your experience.
I imagine it was scary.
And ask questions.
Right.
(43:04):
And just hey I'm goingto do better.
I'm going to do better.
That's just better.
Not the best.
You're going to fix it.
But you can move forwardand do better because now
you know something right.
And what I love about that, it'salmost this mindset shift
that you heard, you mentionedthere.
You know, looking at an apologyas a form of leadership versus
an apology as a weakness,because I know I've heard
(43:25):
so many people kind of equateapologies with weakness versus
being able to have that shift ofwhat it takes to be able
to get on their level andto apologize.
And it shows, like yousaid, that leadership, that
initiative, humility to be ableto kind of move into that
and that that in itselfis such an intense sense
(43:48):
of weakness.
You know, weakness isn'tthat leadership isn't about
that ability to reallykind of model going back
and to tie it all together,right, to model the experience.
And so I'm really,really curious for you, was that
something that you that you canthat kind of forgiveness,
that self forgiveness, thatcompassion, something that
(44:11):
you had to really discoverthrough the divorce and of that
being, again, very differentthan maybe the plan that you had
for yourself going into that.
I mean, with was that ajourney that you had to walk
through?
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
(44:32):
And that's why I'm so gratefulto have that experience.
You know, as difficultas it was, I was able to
to illuminate the deepestparts of myself that really
wanted some attention.
You know, that inner child in methat really deeply desired it,
you know, and so oftenwe just go through our lives
with our blindfolds on and justthink it's going to get better.
(44:54):
Or, you know, when I getthis, this whole, you know,
this will be betteror this new job or this will be
the right thing.
And, you know, it's alwaysan invitation to come back to
forgive yourself.
You couldn't have doneeverything now the way
you wanted to.
You know, it's like whenyou were 16 and you stole
that thing.
Yeah, you were 16 and you stolethat thing.
(45:14):
Is that who you are now?
No.
Forgive yourself.
We often don't allow forgivenessin us because we feel that guilt
and shame is we'reattached to it.
We're tied to the guiltand shame.
And that that lowersour vibration.
It lowers our authenticity.
(45:35):
It lowers our humility.
It lowers our heart,our ability, you know,
so to come back to the heartand be like, yeah,
I forgive you.
Yeah, of course I forgive you.
It's so easy to forgiveeverybody else when we've made
those strides, to forgiveourselves, when we can hold
the situation in our handsand say, there's something
I didn't know here.
Oh, I forgive you.
(45:55):
I forgive you, I forgive you,I forgive you, I forgive you
in my energy healing.
We have to spend a fairamount of time, you know,
in forgiveness, your pinky isone right to your heart.
And so I say, okay,who do you need to forgive?
I need to forgive myself.
Yeah.
You do first.
It's always the first person.
It's always you to forgivefirst, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Gosh, such powerful words.
(46:16):
And I think what I reallyappreciate you being willing
to explore and to shareis that it sounds like.
And I don't want to put words inyour mouth, so correct me
if I'm wrong.
But within this we're able toexperience something
very different than maybewhat many parents are
maybe saying, you know, I'm inthis relationship
(46:37):
isn't in itself serving me,but my kids, how is it affects
my kids?
Am I going to damage them?
Am I going to ruin them?
And from your experience,it sounds like that
it was a very, very differentexperience than maybe that dark,
gloomy kind of narrativethat some people, get stuck in
and then by and large, end upcontinuing on, as you mentioned,
(47:00):
saying, oh, you know, I'llI'll just figure it out later.
I'll do me later.
It sounds like your experienceis very different than that,
but instead you've been ableto still maintain putting
your child in a space that she'sstill feeling loved
and that she's able tothrive in.
(47:21):
Oh, am I, am I hearing thiscorrectly about your experience?
Absolutely.
Because when we stay inrelationships that don't
serve us, it affectsour children.
It models for our children.
You know?
And a lot of times there'sfear, right?
There's fear because you'vebeen together for X
(47:41):
amount of time.
You go to work together.
There's family.
Yes, I get all of that.
You matter.
And if it doesn't feel good,you matter.
And if it doesn't feel goodto them, I promise you
it doesn't feel good tothe other person.
Because a relationshipis about having that ability,
you know what I mean?
And so, you know, you and Iare best friends and I'm like,
you know what?
I'm really feeling likeour friendship is kind of
(48:02):
falling apart.
You're not going to be like,oh, really?
I have no idea.
You're like, yeah,I kind of felt the same, right?
Because we are always feelingsomething very similar in
relationships that theother person is feeling.
And so, you know, my stiflingthat down, we're not showing up
for ourselves.
And then we become very fearfuland codependent in how
we express ourselves, especiallythrough our children and our
(48:24):
partners.
And so it's really about,you know, having that space
in place to know that youare enough and you're
going to get through it.
You will get through it.
You've gone through it this far.
You will continue toget through it.
The world is beautifullike that.
When we show up for ourselves,we actually it has a great
amount of connectivityto show us how beautiful
(48:46):
the world is, becausewe've just been blocking it
by dismissing ourselves.
If that makes sense.
Yeah, absolutely.
And for you, I'd loveto ask you, were there
any resources, any, you know,anything you found
on your journey that helped younavigate maybe, or make it up
just a little bit easierthat you would offer to anybody
(49:08):
listening who is maybesitting right about where
you were in in that, you know,the first thing was, you know,
I recognized you know, shortlyafter my divorce that I was
chaos inside, that I didn'tknow what safety felt like.
And so I was drawn to grieving,which is such a funny thing
(49:29):
because we do it all the time.
But I actually started WimHof breathing, and it's just.
And and I was like,oh, I do have the power to calm
myself down because that'swhat I needed.
I needed something to highlightfor me that I can stop the
chaos inside.
That was me on my journey.
And so I took to tothe breathing.
And when things would geta little chaotic inside,
I go right back to thebreathing.
(49:51):
And then throughoutthere, I just started to,
to find more ways to enhancethat stillness and peace
within me.
Right?
Nature, huge.
Nature was huge for me,getting out backpacking
and, you know, nature to meis nothing but love.
And so it really helpsto show us how divine
and infinite we all are.
(50:11):
And connected we are throughnature.
I also went through, you know,learned that there's a healing.
And I know it works because Ihave spent countless hours
on healing of myself.
I was just doing itthis morning.
Right.
I'm not healed.
And I won't be because mylife is is moving.
It's a journey.
But when somethingcomes up for me and I become
(50:33):
reactive, it's a space,a place to get curious.
And so, yeah, that keepscoming up for you to for me,
maybe that's something thatwe can heal now.
And so, you know, learning howto transmute these energies
in my, in my own life.
Right.
My own traumas and my ownwounds, my own patterns, so that
I can show up for myself becauseit matters to all my other
(50:53):
relationships.
And so breathing was wildlythe first one.
And finding that connectionto nature, to remember that
we are grounded human beings,you know? Yeah.
And then it was justthis invitation to really start
to heal these wounds.
I got into astrology, I got intonutrition.
You know, there's there'sso many ways that we can find
(51:13):
wellness within.
We just have to find whatworks for us.
And if this isn't somethingthat you've experienced
or explored before, well,this is why podcasting is such
a beautiful space and place.
Because we get to hear otherstories.
And you might not havelistened to half of what I said,
but maybe one thing you're like,oh, I'm actually going
to try that.
Beautiful, beautiful, becauseit's an invitation to come back
(51:36):
to yourself at all times.
Are you answering the call?
I don't know, I don't knowwhere you are in your journey.
I'm not on your journey,but I send you so much love
and compassion because we needall of that.
We need all of that love andcompassion within ourselves,
you know?
And if we can amplifyand radiate throughout
the world, you know,all the better, all the better.
(51:57):
But take a look at your life.
And if you're showing upand your wounds and your
traumas, your children need to.
And it's okay because youget to do something
different. Yes.
And when it's not to leaveyou right.
No, no, that's not a thing.
Okay.
So my last question for youbecause I think back to the
(52:20):
future, fam.
If you had access to a Deloreanand could go back, is there
anything that you wouldoffer yourself that you would
tell yourself that you can offernow to anybody listening?
I would go back to, I don't I'mgoing to say three,
four years old, maybe seven,because I feel like we have
(52:41):
a little bit more awareness.
And I would kneel downin front of my seven year
old self and tell her she's one,that I would tell her that what
she's hearing is big, badand just to stay with it
because all of these lessonswill come to you.
(53:01):
Come to this greaterunderstanding as you travel
through with love and wisdom.
But just know that youare enough.
Now.
And that's what I wouldtell you.
I love that so much willtake me.
So I'm going to blend thisand I'm so excited to try it.
And I've got my kids willget them some too. And so thank
(53:23):
you so much for being willingto share your story, share
some of your experienceand some of the things
that you've learned with meand anybody who's listening,
like you said, that maybe justone thing that struck home,
you know, and andreally hit home for them
that they're able to take.
(53:43):
And so you do really.
Thank you.
Tiffany.
That's the mission of the hopethat this podcast is that
somebody who's walking throughparenting, which is not as easy
as you've mentioned, it can feela little less lonely,
even if it's just for a fractionof the time.
And you know, thatwe're all going through hard
and we can we can do somethingdifferent and we can give back
(54:07):
to ourselves, and thatit doesn't make us a bad parent.
Right?
So just because it looks alittle bit different than all
of those kind of perfectparent things that are out there
right there, is that.
Yeah.
And there is no perfectthank you for the space
in which to really sharefrom the heart.
(54:29):
I really, truly appreciate it.
You're just a good, graciousand wonderful host.
So thank you for and thank youso much.
And, thank you all fortuning in.
We will see you next time.
And if you or anyonethat you know is struggling
with any of the topics that wediscussed in today's episode,
make sure to check outour show notes for support
(54:51):
and resources.
You can get help.
So thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The
Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
(55:11):
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food! Enjoyyour eats!
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.