December 3, 2024 • 50 mins
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In this episode, Melissa Donald, doula and mom of two, joins Reesa Morala, LMFT, to explore the challenges of parenting when reality doesn’t match expectations. Melissa shares how the birth of her second child, with a completely different temperament from her first, reshaped her understanding of parenting. She opens up about the toll isolation and unexpected challenges had on her family system and the internal narrative she struggled to overcome.
As they discuss parenting insights, support, and lessons learned, Melissa also shares her favorite Spinach and Artichoke Dip recipe from Delish.com—a crowd-pleaser perfect for any family gathering.
Subscribe, like, and follow for relatable parenting stories, practical tips, and delicious recipes!
💬 What parenting challenges have you faced? Share your story in the comments!
🥗 Tried the recipe? Let us know how it turned out!
*****
Credit: https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/a57633/baked-spinach-artichoke-dip-recipe/
Ingredients:
1 (8-oz.) block cream cheese, softened
3/4 c. mayonnaise
3/4 c. sour cream
1 c. freshly grated Parmesan
1 c. shredded white cheddar, plus more for topping
1/2 c. shredded Gruyère
1 (14-oz.) can artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1 (10-oz.) package frozen spinach, defrosted and chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp. lemon zest
1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Tortilla chips, for serving
Instructions:
- Preheat oven to 350°. In a large bowl, combine all ingredients except baguette. Mix until fully combined and season with salt and pepper.
- Transfer to a baking dish and smooth top with a spatula. Top with more shredded white cheddar.
- Bake until bubbly and slightly golden, 30 minutes. If you’d like the dip to develop a more golden top, broil on high for 2 minutes.
- Serve with baguette on the side, for dipping.
*******
If you or your loved one is struggling with any of the topics discussed, here are some resources:
Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net/
*******
Disclaimer:
The content provided on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or treatment.
The views and opinions expressed by the host(s) and gues
******
Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
Make sure to like, follow, and subscribe!
For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
If you are a parent ready to share your real-life parenting struggle and dish up a recipe with Reesa, apply here:
https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need personalized support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional. If you are in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis hotline in your area.
Suicide and Crisis Line: Text or Call 988
Go to your local hospital or call 911
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
She went through 12 baby sittersbefore she was a year old,
(00:03):
including my own mother,who said they'd never watch her
again.
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
(00:25):
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought and
thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
My guest today is Melissa.
Hi, Melissa.
Thank you so much for beinga guest on our show today.
(00:48):
Thanks for having me.
Yes, I was so excitedto hear about the story
that you're going to sharewith us today.
But first, if you couldfor those that don't know, you,
introduce yourself for us.
So I'm Melissa, I'm a doula,so I help women get birth,
help them through pregnancy andpostpartum.
(01:09):
I love it.
And I went to college for, childand infant development and
psychology, so I feel like I hada pretty good road to
understanding parenthoodbefore I had kids, and they
confused me.
But don't they, though?
Oh my goodness.
(01:32):
Yeah.
So that's that's why I'm here.
Very cool.
So, you're a doula in Las Vegas,correct?
Right.
Perfect.
Do you have any way, like,if folks end up wanting
your support, your awesomesupport, that they can kind
of reach out to you or contactyou?
How does that work?
So mostly I do friendsand family.
I actually have takena step back from it.
(01:55):
For the moment, just becauseI'm trying to focus on the last
little bit with my kids beforeschool starts.
And so I'm kind of like anon again, off again do list.
And I'm not I'm an independent,so if people reach out to me
on Facebook or they knowme, like I'll be there doula,
but I'm not, I don't I'm nottrying to do it too much at
(02:18):
the moment.
That's totally fair.
Grooming?
Yeah, I imagine so.
To kind of be that supportperson, especially with such
an unknown like giving birth,you never know when the
little kiddo wants to kind ofcome into the world.
If you are on call 24 sevenfor a five week period.
So my goodness, hard to planyour life.
(02:41):
Yeah, I imagine so.
But gosh, I imagine that that'sso helpful to kind of
have someone that's intheir corner.
Very cool.
Well, okay.
Tell us what recipe you'regoing to teach us today and
kind of why you chose that one.
So I'm doing spinachand artichoke dip.
It's a my cheat sheet of, like,how to get veggies into my kids.
(03:05):
Yes.
I feel like that's a theme I'mhearing a lot from parents.
Yeah.
You got to get those and thenmy kids, they've always been
a little under the growth chart.
So my their pediatricianis always trying to get me
to fatten them up with thehealthy fats.
So like cheese.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
So yeah, that my pediatrician isalways like get cheese,
(03:29):
get butter, get peanut butter.
Anything.
Any of that healthy fat.
So it has cheese.
It has veggies.
So it's like it works for us.
Perfect.
And so I saw this one was fromDelish.com.
Is that, a website that you lovefor like recipes?
Have you found a lotthat you like on there?
Yeah.
It's really good.
I love it because it haslots of easy recipes and, like,
(03:51):
tasty ones.
And that's what I need.
I need something easy, quick,healthy.
Come on. Yes.
I can't have three hours in thekitchen for one meal.
As much as I would love to.
Yeah, I love that.
Okay, so tip for parents.
Maybe take a look on there forsome recipes.
Very cool.
Okay.
So walk me through what am Istarting with first.
(04:13):
And then we'll chat.
So preheat your oven.
Okay. Oven.
Okay.
Then you just take all theingredients and you're
pretty much dumping them all in.
It's cream cheese, mayonnaise,sour cream, all kinds of
different cheese, artichokehearts, spinach, garlic.
(04:34):
You pretty much just dump itin the bowl and mix it.
Perfect.
So I can do that.
I am a good dump, a mixer. So.
All right.
While we do that, Iwould love to hear.
I know you're going to sharea story a little bit
about kind of your journey, whatit was like from going from one
kiddo to two kiddos and kind ofsome of the uniqueness
(04:55):
about that piece of it.
And I'd love to kindof know more.
So my first kid, she was theunicorn child.
She she was the like,if you look a perfect baby,
like the one who slept throughthe night, right away,
the one who started talking by18 months.
But like, like you could takeanywhere.
(05:18):
Like.
Like she.
She was that unicorn.
And so I thought I hadmotherhood in the bag.
I was like, I know exactly whatI'm doing.
Like, because I wasbreastfeeding, I was
baby wearing.
I was like, applying all theresearch from my psychology
classes that I had taken.
I was like, yeah, I got this.
Yeah.
(05:39):
And then, famous lastwords, right?
Oh, yeah, I got this.
I know what I'm doing.
This is easy.
Yeah.
I thought motherhood was easy.
And then I had my secondborn, and, you know, people used
to say, you know, your kidsare going to be different, like.
(06:01):
And to me, I don't know, maybeI thought like, oh, one kid's
going to be into pop music,and the other is going to be
into rock and roll.
You know, when people saythey're different.
I was thinking, like, cutethings like that.
That's how I.
Like, yeah, that's cool.
I can support their differentpersonalities.
No, the second one, she wasa dragon.
(06:24):
Like full blown.
She she came out screaming, andshe didn't stop screaming
for the first three yearsof her life.
Oh, my goodness.
I imagine that's reallyoverwhelming.
Especially when you've gotanother kiddo kind of
that you're trying toto care for at the same
time. Yes.
Yeah.
It was, it was, it was a lot.
It was very intense.
(06:46):
Because all of the things that Ithought I knew especially,
you know, like from my first onewhere I thought, like,
I got this.
I know exactly what to do.
I know how to handle all thethings.
Like, none of it worked.
None of it helped her.
Oh my goodness.
And and she she would scream ifshe was happy, if she was
(07:06):
sad, if she everything, ifany emotion more than like
it was screaming and she couldscream for hours.
She wasn't someone who couldscream herself to sleep.
She could stay awake for threefour hours at a time, screaming
and so she went through 12babysitters before she
was a year old, including my ownmother, who said they'd never
watch her again just becausethe screaming was was too
(07:29):
overwhelming.
No one knew how to make her stopor how to help her.
Or like why?
Like everything triggeredher. So.
And, she we did find outwhen she was, like, two months
old that she had lipties, tongue ties, cheek ties.
We got it revised.
So that helped.
(07:50):
Can you.
Before you go on, for anybodywho doesn't kind of know, like,
what the ties are, canyou tell us just a little bit
more about what those are?
How did you discover thatand kind of what does revising
look like?
So with with the tongue ties,it's like that, that string
under the bottom of your tongue,you know, if you lift it up, you
kind of have like, a stringlooking thing.
(08:11):
It's right.
And and you can have thoseon your cheeks and your
tongue, your lip, whatever.
So she had it all over.
She didn't just have one.
She had like 5 or 6 of themthroughout her mouth.
And the problem is,when you have those ties, it's
almost like you're keeping your,your neck hostage.
Like if you pull your tongueto the back of your throat
(08:33):
and try to try to function, it'svery difficult.
And so the dental pediatrician,there's a different name for it.
A pediatric dentist that we tookher to, they kind of
explained it as like, it's verytriggering for babies because
it's like their tongueis holding them hostage.
And it hurt.
(08:53):
It's uncomfortable.
It gets them headaches.
And so it it's very upsettingfor them.
And so it was very cool when I,when we went and did
the revision literally, I handedthem this very upset baby.
And they took her back forI felt like it was less
than a minute.
I had time to sit downin my chair and then pop
back up, and they were like,oh, here's your baby.
(09:15):
Because it was just they took alittle laser.
And what did throughout hermouth.
And that was the revision.
Okay.
And they handed her back to meand she was smiling.
I was like, really?
Who is this?
Like, they gave me backand smiling baby, I was like,
whose baby is this?
Like.
Yeah. Wow.
An incredible, like,just a shift, like you
(09:37):
said within just a minute.
But it was instantaneousthat she was a smiling,
happy baby for the first timein, like, two months.
Of her life.
And we the.
So the way we had discoveredit is when she was born,
her midwife had like, kind ofmentioned.
Oh, I think I might see a tonguetied, but she had mentioned it,
(09:57):
you know, amongst likebeing born and me giving birth
and there was a, there was.
Yeah.
So a lot of stuff happening.
Your mind's not necessarilygoing, oh totally sure.
Yeah, yeah.
And so it, it was sort of one ofthose things that like stored
and like kind of forgot.
And then after a couplemonths of being like,
what is like what is going onwith this baby?
(10:18):
I was like, wait a minute.
I had a little lightbulb moment, like, wait,
my midwife had mentioned thatthere was like, she thought
she saw a tongue tie.
So I took her to geta consultation with a pediatric
dentist and they were like,oh yeah, yeah, she's she's got
more than a tongue tielike she is.
Wow.
All the ties.
And so, so yeah.
(10:40):
So we got that done.
That helped a lot.
But also she, she was stillvery trigger happy.
Like she was still a screamer.
She was still just, choosenot to have a baby.
And so we get to the point.
Fast forward like, I thinkshe was like a little over
a year. She.
So I kept her home with me.
(11:02):
And it was, it was a crazytransition because
with my first, I would take herto storage time.
I would take her to restaurants,out to lunch.
We went to the parks, we wenteverywhere, you know,
and so then to transitionto have this baby, who wouldn't
want to stop screaming?
I couldn't take her anywhere.
So it was it was kind oftraumatizing for me that we,
(11:22):
we slowly kind of became like,imprisoned because I was like,
I'm not going to takea screaming baby to storytime.
You know?
I'm not I can't take her groceryshopping with me.
I'm not going to sit her at arestaurant to have lunch.
And so we stopped kind ofgoing places.
That sounds incredibly lonely.
Goodness.
(11:42):
It was.
It was getting lonelierand lonelier and and
traumatizing.
So I was like, I, I felt likeI was very prepared, like I have
a degree.
And in childhood, like, wait,someone someone offered me this,
this fancy thing on the wallthat says, you know, I, I know
things.
I also have my first babywho says that I know things, but
(12:05):
I didn't.
And so it was just crazy.
Oh. And that.
So then, she started beingable to, like, walk and talk,
and it got in some waysit got better because she was
sort of able to communicate,you know, what she wanted, what,
so that in ways that helped.
But then in other ways it madeit worse because now she could
(12:26):
walk and talk.
And she was honestly kindof violent, like she would
get mad and this little toddlerwould walk around and if she got
mad, she, she throw chairs,she would bite people, she would
pull hair.
And I'm like, I don't knowwhere she I don't know where she
learned this.
Like, this is not we don'tdo this.
You know, this isn't the placewhere we're where we have
(12:48):
where we do these things.
So I don't know whereshe's getting this from.
I don't know why she's doing it,but also, I'm not putting her
in daycare because I wasgenuinely afraid for other kids,
you know, being around her,I was like, she's she will
bite them.
Yeah.
I'm so curious.
Like, how was that for you?
Kind of on your parentnarrative?
(13:10):
I know that there's so many,right?
There's so many insta perfectparents kind of things that are
out there, so much mediaout there that kind of
says, this is this is the wayit go.
It's this is what parentinglooks like, you know?
And so I'm so curious about likewhat was going on for you
(13:31):
kind of behind the scenes,while you're experiencing
this just complete like,I don't know, she humbled me,
but mostly it was just like, Ia lot of admitting, I guess
I don't know what I'mdoing, like, maybe at all.
Like, I feel like I know what Iwas doing for my first,
but yeah, I'm like,I don't maybe I just don't know.
(13:53):
So then it was just a lotof like, trial and error
and then I was thinking, okay,you know, maybe, maybe we should
put her in daycare, maybe,like being around other kids,
which would help her.
And then Covid hit.
Oh my goodness.
And so now you went fromisolating yourself by choice.
And now you have to isolateby mandate.
Yes.
(14:14):
So then so so so then we startgoing through like things like
I discovered, you know, youhave to like I have to do
other things.
I like my baby wearing hersand helping, a lot of my things
aren't helping this kid.
And so I have to start doingother things.
So then I'm doing research,like, okay, I realized, like,
(14:38):
my oldest, I could feedher whatever for breakfast.
You know, some, like,if that means a sugar bomb,
sometimes she can.
She can eat, you know, a donutfor breakfast and be fine.
This one, she has to haveprotein, like, okay, I can't
do sugar for breakfast for thosekids.
Like, which, I mean,you shouldn't in any way, but,
(15:00):
sometimes you do, right?
And that's that's parentinglate in life, so sometimes
I'm not.
Yeah.
I'm curious.
Like, for her, what do you thinkit is about kind of the
protein that.
And how did you kind ofidentify that that was something
that was really beneficialfor her.
So I kind of identified itbecause I realized like I
(15:22):
had started taking different,like supplements, like the
B12 vitamins or different tryingdifferent coffees.
I love trying different thingsin general.
And then I was startingto realize, like B12 vitamins
make me ragi.
Like they help other people.
Other people make it, makes themhappy.
They're like, oh, I have agreat day.
If I take B12, I was,I was like, it makes me
like ragi, where I'm like.
(15:43):
And I was saying, so maybeI should start paying attention,
you know, if things areaffecting me for breakfast,
obviously same for my kids.
So I realized if I make surethat she has sausage or bacon
or eggs or lots of like aprotein heavy breakfast, it's a
better day.
Okay, okay, okay.
(16:05):
That's fine.
We can do that. Yeah.
Right.
That's that's an easy one toimplement.
Let's let's do that.
That's fine.
And then I started hearing aboutthe red dyes like okay
I'll take out red food dyes.
It helped.
What did you notice.
Like what kind of what helpwere you kind of seeing.
She wasn't as trigger happy.
(16:27):
Like she would still get mad,you know, she'd still
have her moments, but it wasn'tso constantly.
It went from being like,you know, the entire day is
wrecked to, like, maybeshe'd have a few bad moments.
Okay, so.
So it took it.
So now we're getting protein forbreakfast.
We don't have the red food dye.
(16:47):
And then, so another thingthat was different with
my first.
With my first, I didn't do TV.
I was like, no, we don'twe don't have screen time,
we don't watch TV.
I'm not going to have TV for thefirst two years of her life.
And I did pretty well with that.
With my second, I was like,for my own sanity, yes, you're
(17:08):
you're you're going to I'mgiving you screen time because,
like, I need a momentwhere you're not screaming.
And then she loved one.
Oh, I was just going to sayit, I, I wanted to pause there
because there are so many of,of parents that I've, I've heard
even that do have thoseideas of, you know, I really
(17:28):
want to stick with this planand again, with, with wonderful
intention.
And then sometimes when you findit's not working, it can feel
really difficult to, like, strayfrom that plan because
you're like, no, no, no, this isthis is what I said.
I was going to do.
And if I stray from that,you know that that means
I failed or, you know,whatever that narrative is
(17:50):
that comes up for them.
And I think what you justmentioned there, just being able
to say for my own sanityso that I can actually, like, be
a functioning human beingand show up for my kids
and all these other ways, maybeit does require some
flexibility, and kindof what that plan look like.
Oh, totally.
And it was it was very hardfor me to like, let go because
(18:13):
people come to me professionallyfor parenting advice, you know?
And so to be, to have tobe like, I'm no longer taking my
own advice.
Yeah.
Gosh.
Like, it's hard to let goof those ideals.
Like, you know what?
Like, like like the wholelike don't reward them
for crying by giving them candy.
(18:34):
Like, you know, like,sometimes for my own sanity.
Like, I'm just gonna haveto throw chocolate at you.
Just like.
Like here, please.
I just need, like, ten minutesof quiet, please.
Yes, but.
So then, her favorite show wasCocomelon.
Okay.
And I don't know if you'vedone any research on Cocomelon.
(18:57):
If it came after my kiddos,so I'm not too sure.
Fill me in.
So cocomelon.
There's been lots ofstudies done.
I find this out like aftermonths of her watching this
and her being an angry kid.
That because of the quicktransitions and something
about the way the showis set up, it's actually
it angers children.
It's something triggering intheir brain, and it makes them
(19:21):
rages.
And I'm like, oh, great.
Of course, her favorite TV showthat I use for my sanity right,
is the TV show that's like,you shouldn't let them
watch this.
Of course.
Of course.
But then, now she likes Bluey,but like, blue is amazing.
I recommend it for all kids.
Like parents.
Like, she's polite and doesthe cutest things and says
(19:43):
the cutest phrases now like stopwatching cocomelon and do Bluey.
Here's your plug for Bluey.
Yeah, seriously, like I will.
I love Bluey, blue is great, soI never watched it.
Can you give me just like aquick summary like what is
Bluey again?
My kids are older.
They would look at somethinglike that, go, oh that's a baby.
(20:04):
So yeah.
So it's it's adorable.
It's like these littleAustralian dogs.
It's like a cartoon about.
And so they have an adorableaccent, you know, and, and
there's this cute little familythat has they go through
everyday life problems like, oh,we're moving today.
This hat brings up a lot ofsad emotions, but this is
(20:27):
how we're going to handleour emotions.
You know, as a family togetherwill work through this
problem or or you know,your fish died, you know,
like real life kid problems,you know, and how as a family,
they work together to, tolike, handle these little
problems that come upin everyday life and, and it it
I think they do such a great jobon this.
(20:50):
And when I look I mean justfrom your your synopsis there is
I heard you mentioned kind ofthe word together and like,
you know, doing things, problemsolving together like multiple
times just in that short, like,you know, two minute synopsis
that you gave me there.
And I absolutely love that ideaof the togetherness.
I think that that'sso incredibly helpful when we're
(21:13):
talking about raising kids,because it can feel super lonely
and it can feel like, what do wedo?
And it's if the mantra is like,hey, let's figure this out
together.
Like, it's not just thatyou handle your own problems
and figure your stuff outand then come back to me.
You know, I think thatthat's that's amazing.
Very cool.
Yeah, I love that show.
(21:34):
It's helped so much, whichonce again, it's weird to be
like a TV show helped.
But no, it's really.
Yeah.
Okay.
But the main thing, besides,like, the protein and the red
food dye and pay attentionto what she's watching on TV.
The main big thing that helpedwith her, I took almost
(21:57):
three years.
Like when my kids have problems,I want to help.
You know?
I want to give them love.
I want to hug them.
I want to help them workthrough it.
I want to give them my toyor candy, you know, something
to help with the situation.
Yeah.
I realized with her, because oneday, like, she she was having
(22:17):
a meltdown and it was it wasbecoming violent, and I was
and I just I didn't knowwhat to do, so I, I, I was like,
you know what?
I'm just going to put youin your room.
Your room is full of softblankets, stuffed animals.
If you feel the need to throwthings, throw a stuffed animal,
throw it.
Just not don't throwhard things.
Yeah, don't don't hurt people.
Don't hurt yourself.
(22:38):
Just just get it out.
I'm going to sit here and,you know, basically cry
because I don't know how to helpyou.
And it is the craziest thing.
I stuck her in there.
She had her meltdownand it wasn't very big.
It wasn't as big as itnormally is.
And then when she was done,she came out and was like,
mommy, can I have a hug now?
I love you, I'm sorry.
(22:59):
It's like, whoa, whoa.
Yeah.
What?
Like, wait, wait.
And then I kind of I was like,wait a minute.
This kid is literally like.
Like a match.
Like with fire.
Like you.
How she's going to light up.
She's going to get angry, and.
But you just have to lether burn on her own.
(23:21):
Like, if you if I do anything orif anyone else tries to insert
themselves to help.
It's like throwing gasolineon this little fire.
But if you just let her,if you just let her letter
process it.
Letter, let her deal with iton her own, she'll deal with it.
And then she'll come whenshe's ready and then she'll
she'll let you help her then.
But she needs like a littlebit of time to herself to like,
(23:45):
kind of lose it, which ismaybe not the greatest,
but that, that has helpedso much.
We no longer do the screaming.
She's calmed down, like justletting her have her emotions
for a few minutes on her own,in a safe environment without me
trying to fix it or anyoneelse. Yeah.
It helps.
(24:05):
Well, you know, what's sointeresting about what you just
said is, on my my end of things.
Right?
So my background, we do a lotof that, that same kind
of studies.
As far as understanding kindof the brain and what's going on
mental health wise.
And I think that's exactly it.
So many times we've got this,this idea, right, that we
(24:29):
we've got to fix our emotions.
We've got to make them,especially the ones that are,
you know, quote unquote,negative emotions like, oh,
they're bad.
Like, let's just get over themas fast as we can.
And the difficulty is thenthey don't get kind of the time
and space that they needand that that really is good
for them to be able to kind ofhave that breathing room
(24:49):
just like that.
The Inside Out movie is great.
We talk about being ableto kind of give them
their spaces and their time,and then once they, they feel
seen, once they, they feelheard, and validated in that way
and whatever that looks like.
So for her, it sounds like,you know, maybe she needs
kind of that, that fresh room,that rage room kind of that,
that you see advertised.
(25:09):
Right.
And, you know, that is a waythat she's been able to kind
of work through some ofthese things, give them
their time, give themtheir space instead of just kind
of trying to suppress itand then having it come out
and all these really likeuncontrolled, much bigger ways.
Yeah.
Yeah. Cool.
Yeah.
It, I mean did on accident,but I'm like, okay, like
(25:34):
if you need to feelyour emotions for five minutes
in order to not haveto feel them for the next
three hours, that's fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
Before we go on, I've got myselfall mixed up.
Am I just transferring itthen to my oven? Safe.
Perfect.
I could do that.
All right.
And so kind of.
(25:54):
Is that since then, thingshave been more manageable.
Or tell me more.
Oh, yeah.
Now, now she is like a way.
She's way different.
Like now where you can go most,most days without
having problems or if we havea problem, you know, we
(26:14):
we can be like, okay, give herspace.
No one, no one tried todo anything, you know,
just let her.
Let her deal with it.
And then when she's done, she'llcome out.
She'll want her hug,she want to kiss.
And then we all move on.
So, yeah, it's just figuringthat out about her that, like,
you kind of have to treat herlike fire, okay?
(26:36):
Like that.
Like, don't pour gasolineon her fire.
Just let her fire burn out.
Like, and I, I it's like alittle thing I have to always
remind myself.
Because it's hard as a parentwhen you see your kid crying or
you see a situation isdeveloping, you want to
instantly go and fix itor help them.
And so it's it's it is hardto step back and be like, no,
(26:57):
it's okay.
Just let her letter readthrough it.
Let her do whatever it isshe has to do in her room
by herself.
But yes, it it has helpedso much.
Yeah.
So I'm I'm curious, like,have you found other things
that, that you've been ableto kind of add to her toolbox
(27:18):
that help her kind of workthrough those big emotions
and be able to regulate?
She loves art projectsand puzzles.
So.
So I made sure her room is fullof, like, soft things, you know?
So if she feels the need tothrow things, we're not throwing
chairs.
We're throwing a stuffed animal.
(27:39):
And then if she still needsalone time after she's
released her or her demonsor whatever, then there's
art projects that she can dowithout my help.
Like it if she makes a messwith it, I'm
not going to be like, oh no,there's paint on the carpet.
It's like crayons or, you know,things that she can do
on her own, puzzles she can dowithout my help.
(28:00):
And so there's a lot of, like,by herself, stuff that she can
sit there and she can do anddecompress.
And then once she's done,she and ready, like, I don't try
to force her to come out or,or anything.
When she's ready, she comes outand then so usually want love
and hug and and thatthat's that's mostly it is.
Yeah.
Paying attention andand we don't wake her up
(28:23):
like my, my oldest, my oldest,she doesn't get enough sleep or
we want to do something earlyfor the day like she's she can
handle it.
Whereas okay, my youngestI'm like nope, she is going
to she's going to get her her toher full.
Yeah.
Whole sleep.
So we let her sleep until shewakes up.
(28:46):
Okay.
It's gonna be interestingwhen school starts that that's
still a huge concern of mine,because obviously in school,
we're going to have to handlethings very differently.
But.
So how old was she?
When you kind of found this,this hack, if you will,
to kind of help her with heremotions because I know
(29:07):
you said, you know, 12 sittersright before she turned one.
And so, like, where are wein that?
Her timeline then probablyabout three years old.
Okay. Yeah.
It's time.
Wow.
So three years of of kind ofhaving to navigate that kind
of state and seeing your kiddokind of just be, gosh, so
(29:30):
overwhelmed.
I imagine with, I imaginethat doesn't feel great
in the body for, for your kid.
And then to kind of watch thatas a parent and, and just be
at your wit's end of, ofhow do I help?
How do I make it better foreverybody?
Yeah.
And there's so many,like, moments I can think of
that were hard like, like isyou'll get parenting advice from
(29:52):
everyone.
And I can't tell you the amountof people who were like,
you just need to, like,get like her, her like like,
you know, you're thinking,or you need to give her.
And I'm like, I'm not, I'mnot doing that.
So that was not that waslike a hard boundary for me
where I'm like, you know, maybe,maybe I'm wrong.
(30:14):
Maybe a good smack would solvemy problems.
But that's not how I parent.
You know, I'm I'm just notdoing it.
And so maybe that made it a lotharder for me.
But at least that is one thingin my parenting journey where I
was like, you know what, TVfind sugar?
I'm not gonna I'm not crossingthat line.
(30:35):
And when you have a lot ofolder people who want to, like,
insert themselvesin the situation, and that's
how the generation did thingsto sit there and be like, no,
I mean, what would yourespond to?
Because I gosh, I, I knowI've heard similar things.
I imagine other parentslistening have heard similar,
(30:57):
you know, people kind ofadvocating for this.
Like how do you, in the faceof that, still kind of
stick to your like stick to yourboundaries like you mentioned
and say, hey, this is ahard line I'm not willing
to cross.
Like, how did you respond?
How did you deal with that?
So mostly it was a lotof nodding, smiling, like,
(31:18):
if I obviously I'm not lettinganyone else touch my kid,
you know?
So I wasn't really anythingI had to deal with.
But as far as like themtelling me it was, it was it.
Depending on the situation,it was either a lot of nodding
and smiling like, okay,thanks for the advice.
Like whatever.
Or like, no, that's notwhat we're doing or whatever,
(31:38):
but it was a lot of havingto walk outside for a minute
and remind myself, like,you know what?
Maybe in this moment it mighthelp.
It might help me, you know, if,you know, if I were to just,
you know, shock herinto silence.
But that's not goingto help her, you know,
that's that in in the long run,it helps my peace for five
(32:02):
minutes.
It's not going to help herprocess things.
It's not going to help hercommunicate.
It's not going to help her. It ato satisfy me in this moment.
And I can do other thingsin this moment to satisfy
my need for peace.
Like walk outside.
Yeah.
You know, or, you know, eat somechocolate myself or be like,
(32:24):
tag my husband in like,how am I need I need to go
get my nails done.
I'll be back like you.
You handle this for an houror there is a lot of going to
the park.
Just like, go be free.
Go, go.
Run, please.
Some of it.
She loved the swingsshe was playing.
She loves the swings.
(32:44):
So it was like, okay, you knowwhat?
We'll go to the swings.
And she would do the swingsfor hours.
So it was wild.
And it was a lot of of remindingmyself like, this would help me,
not her.
And I need to help her.
Yeah.
And also sounds like it reallychallenged you to have to find
your own coping skillsto be able to kind of
(33:05):
work through.
Okay, I could do this.
I can I can keep going.
It it's going to take work onmy end.
Like you said, it may notbe the the quick and easy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that it sounds likeyou were able to kind of
find your way and find your own,you know, skills that kind
of helped you be able toto write it out as well?
(33:26):
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I needed my own coping skillsbecause my first did not
give me any.
So I mean, you know, this isby the glass, you know, half
full of that.
It sounds like it allowed you anopportunity to kind of grow in
some of those ways that maybeyou didn't get the challenge
(33:47):
the first time.
Yeah, I had to I, I made, like,a joke with myself.
Like everything was a momlevel up, you know, like, so
like something crazywould happen or we'd.
And I'd be like, all right.
I leveled up as a mom today,you know, like, like a video
game character.
Absolutely.
And I think that's a great wayto to reframe that instead of
(34:09):
like, hey, this is just hardall the time and kind of
getting stuck in that mindset oflike, hey, you know what?
This is a challenge.
It means I get to learnsomething new so that I can
level up.
And now we go on to the nextlevel and, you know, eventually,
hopefully reach ourfigure to do.
And you get your your prizeand your trophy maybe
(34:29):
I don't know if that actuallyexists in parenthood,
but you can hope for it.
Yeah hopefully.
Well and it's funny.
So I've been seeing a lot oflike negative things about her,
but she's also very funny.
Like she wasn't like thisconstant horror show.
Like I'm making her out to be.
She's a Gemini.
So I don't know if you're intoastrology at all, but.
(34:52):
So Geminis are very muchthey're called the twins, where
they have two differentpersonalities.
So as much as she couldbe cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
and is like going offthe deep end, she could
instantly swing back into likethe funniest, most loving, like
sweetest kid you've ever met.
And you're like.
(35:12):
And it's funny because forother people, she will be.
She'll be like.
And they'll be like, oh, she'sthe sweetest kid I've ever met.
And you're like, okay, whoare you talking about?
We're always talking at her.
Yeah, yeah.
But and you know what?
I feel like I've heardthat a lot from from the second
(35:33):
kids.
I don't know if it'sjust everyone that I've spoken
to you, but I know that I canabsolutely relate.
My my husband and I, we we wouldcall her our youngest,
who is also our second,you know, kind of, oh my gosh,
you know, in a Sour Patch SourPatch Kid where like, it could
very much be that like,you know, chopping your hair off
(35:53):
while you sleep.
And then the next morningwhen you get up, it's like hugs
and kisses and oh my gosh,I love you so much.
And like, what just happened?
Yep, yep.
So that second kid energy.
Yeah, it's funny becauseas crazy as it is, like it
wouldn't change it or change herlike.
(36:17):
She, she's pretty awesomeI think as long as like we,
we make it to adulthoodshe'll do something really
awesome.
Like.
Yeah.
But oh that was another thingI was going to say her
I it got to the point with herwhere I was like maybe she's
autistic.
(36:38):
Okay I, I couldn't, I justcouldn't figure out why she was
so fiery.
So I did actually have herevaluated at one point
and they're like, no,she's just a little firecracker.
She's like, so but yeah, we'rewe're talk.
If you want to talk aboutlike deep levels of thinking,
(36:58):
like trying to figure out,I was like, I even went down
that road where it'slike, maybe, maybe I'm
in denial.
And there is, you know,some more going on.
But yeah, yeah, was thatI mean, even just making
the call and kind of the, thehumbleness, the fortitude,
whatever word you wantto use that it takes to kind of
(37:20):
even get to that point of beingwilling to go out and to to seek
support and, you know,whether it's an assessment
or whatnot.
Like, was that a difficultkind of, you know, barrier to
get past?
Yeah.
I mean, it's it's hard to tryto like, look yourself
in the mirror and be like, okay,you need help.
(37:41):
You know, maybe like, maybe youare doing that like, oh, it's a
mother's love.
She's, you know, there'snothing wrong with your kid,
like, kind of situation and liketo try to look yourself in
the mirror and be like,maybe there, maybe there is
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybeshe does have something
going on.
(38:01):
And you're just like, livingin denial for the last
three years.
But no, I took her.
And I mean, it it it's funnybecause it's like a relief
to find out, like, now.
Like she's she she's noton the spectrum.
But then also you'rewe're back to like, okay,
so whatnot.
Yeah.
So we're way excuses there.
(38:22):
There's no excuse like she.
Yeah.
This is no little firecrackerokay.
Like yeah I don't know if itwould have been a relief
to find out that there wasa reason or if I don't know.
I mean, not that you wantto find out that there's
something wrong.
You know, I can appreciate that.
(38:42):
I think it's also what youmentioned, just having
more answers.
Because now if we havethe answer now, we can start
looking at like, you know,geared research kind of solves
and fixes because we know whatwe're addressing versus
when it's very nebulousand you don't have any answers
and you're just kind offlailing, trying whatever to
(39:05):
to help fix it and hope that itsticks.
But you kind of don't knowwhat you're trying to address.
I imagine that that can bereally difficult.
Yeah, that, that that summedit up really, really well.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I'm so curious,like for you, what were there
(39:26):
any like, insights or resourcesthat you wish you knew
about sooner?
I think well, it would have beenreally nice to know, like,
from the beginning about,like the cocomelon and the red
food dye and, I mean,I it's weird because a lot
(39:48):
of the things seem likecommon sense things.
Once you put the like littlemoment on it.
Okay.
Like, I feel like every parentat this point knows you're not
supposed to give your kid redfood dye or, you know, feed them
sugar bombs for breakfast.
Like, that's like, likeobviously.
But, you know, I guess I didn'ttake it as serious like,
(40:10):
I knew it, but I didn't take itas serious as maybe I should
have, because maybe you heardabout it.
But I heard it.
But my first was able to like,if I, if she had red food dye,
it was not the end of the world.
Like we went on our merry way.
Where is with my second?
It was like, oh no, for real?
Yeah, well, this really, reallyaffects her like a lot.
(40:34):
And I think that's a reallygreat point because again, it's
that whole idea that it's not aone size fits all.
And so your kiddo is going tobe unique.
So maybe one, you know,one kiddo, it doesn't really
impact them as much.
Or you know, as noticeablymaybe.
However for the next kidit might.
And so, you know, if you'retrying to kind of fit them
(40:56):
in the same exact size box andit sounds like it may not work,
it does not work.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I think that wasit would have I guess helped
knowing that like whenpeople say, oh, each kid
is going to be different.
They, they, they don't mean likein the cutesy like, oh,
(41:18):
this kid's going to be intothis type of clothing and this
kid's going to be into this typeof music.
They like it for real.
They're like, oh, completelyand utterly different in
every way.
People think, wow, even if theylook alike and sound alike,
and they're both your kidsand they have the same parents.
Nope.
They're they're so different.
(41:41):
Wow.
I'm curious.
Would would anythingbe different?
Like if you had a time machineand you could go back in time
and tell yourself something,either whether it's to prepare
yourself or even, you know,something that you can share
with others that might beexperiencing something similar,
like what would youtell yourself or how would you
prepare yourself differently?
(42:02):
Maybe, I mean, I neverwould have introduced Cocomelon.
Okay.
I would have something.
I think we've got no one. Yeah,I would have started Bluey
way, way a long time ago,but mostly a lot of, like, going
outside.
Like, if it's too much, don'tdon't let your house become a
(42:23):
prison. Like, if your kid'sscreaming, it's still okay
to take them to the park.
You know, I mean it like, taketake them outside.
Give yourself some room.
I mean, if it's if it'sto the point that it's a problem
and, you know, your kidwon't stop screaming at
the park, at least, at leastgive it some time.
Give your kid a chance toto find something that's
(42:47):
interesting to them.
Because, yeah, it's not okayto take them to the library
if they're screaming orwhatever.
But mostly I mostly go outside.
Being outside helps your sanity.
It helps them.
It just seems to help overall.
If you can find a way to getoutside without like
bothering too many peopledo that and to sort of
(43:11):
go for it.
Oh, it's just things that I wasjust going to ask, you know,
you mentioned that, you know,going out and kind of that,
that public perspective,was that ever something that you
encountered where people were,maybe shaming you or, you know,
giving you dirty looks withthe screaming?
So looking back, there's alot of times that, I, I think
(43:35):
I was mentally shamingmyself more so than necessarily
other parents because there,there were so many times I was
actually surprised that the copsdidn't get called, like,
because I, I swear they probablylooked like I was kidnaping my
own child, like so many times.
Oh my goodness.
Like trying to leave Costcoor trying to leave a park,
(43:56):
you know, or somethingthat she was actually into,
you know, or she wasn't into.
And it was like, okay, it istime to go.
Because at this pointwe're being a disruption
to like, other people.
So if I look back on it, I don'tknow that I was necessarily
getting all of those dirty looksor those judgments.
(44:18):
You know, it was itwas a lot of me doing it
to myself, you know, because Ifeel like other parents,
especially other parentswith, like, the dragging kids
or just kids that aren'tunicorns, like, they understand
they've been there.
Other parents have been there.
So, you know, and other parents,I've had other parents come up
and offer to help me, you know,and we're like, was that
(44:40):
helpful?
Yes, yes, depending on thesituation.
I mean, so I feel like I dida lot of self-isolating because
there's a lot of like, oh, don'ttrust other strangers.
You know what they're tryingto steal your kid or, you know,
whatever.
So then you have to do the wholelike mental, like, oh, wait,
this is actually like just a momwho, like, she understands
what you're going through.
Like, she gets it, she gets it.
(45:02):
Accept the help.
Like, yeah, like, don'tsit there and make it worse
mentally for yourself, you know?
So I if I could go back,I probably would have
given myself an extrafive minutes, you know,
at the park, or I would havebeen more receptive to the mom
that came up to to help,you know, like, thank you.
(45:24):
Like, yes, I could use a fiveminute flex.
Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you, thank youor thank you for not calling the
cops on me.
I promise this was my kid.
Yeah, I'm just trying totake her home because I realize,
I mean, she's having a moment,but. Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that I was justgonna say.
(45:44):
I think that that's such ahuge piece that you just
mentioned that self shame.
I feel like I said, parentsare really, really good at doing
that of just like reallyseeing this and being kind of,
most critical person aboutwhat's happening.
And are there people out therethat might be giving you dirty
(46:05):
looks?
Yeah, there's a lot of a lotof jerks out there.
However, like you said, thatthere might be more people than
you think that are goingI feel you like I see you
and hear, how can I help?
And are willing to help.
Even, like you said, if it'sjust for five minutes.
And sometimes it can bereally hard to see that when
(46:27):
you are just so entrenchedin your self shame, your self
guilt.
Even so.
Wow. Gosh.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, if I could go backand be like, tell all
the parents, give yourselffive more minutes to breathe
and to to to realize thatall of your negative thoughts
(46:48):
that they're your thoughtsare not necessarily
their thoughts.
And even if it is theirthoughts, it's fine.
Like get give everyone a littlemore time to to let the
situation decompress.
And you breathe your kidbreathe, everyone just.
Yeah.
Gently away.
(47:10):
All right, so I've got mymy prep that I'll put
in the oven.
I did ahead of time.
Kind of prep us with with themnow. So when you have this, do
you just eat it by yourselfor like what's your guys's
favorite favorite way to chips?
Tortilla chips.
Yes. Okay.
(47:31):
I already have a bag of tortillachips waiting.
So once this is cooked well,once it's nice and hot
and bubbly, we will digin with the tortilla chips.
Yeah okay, so I will make sureto have some tortilla chips.
I'm sure my kiddos will love it.
And like I said, a great way.
It's got you got your sentencein here.
You got your artichokes.
Get them a little of those,good fats as well.
(47:52):
I feel you on the lower, side ofthe growth.
I've been hearing that narrativeabout my own kiddos since
they were born, so I.
I feel that I guess what my kidsare also, they're thriving.
They're growing just fine.
Yes, they're smaller, butmom and dad are short
people, too, so we can'treally ask a whole lot from,
(48:15):
oh, say my husband's five footfour, I'm five foot two.
And I'm like, my kids werenever going to be.
I mean, they weren't set upfor six foot capabilities.
And that's okay.
Yes. Exactly.
Like they're your little.
It's fine.
Yeah.
And you know what?
There's a ton of thingsthat when you're shorter
(48:36):
that you get to do that otherscan't.
So exactly.
There we go.
Oh Melissa it was so great tohave you on here.
Thank you so much for beingwilling to share your story.
I know that, talking aboutthe harder sides of parenting,
isn't as readily doneas I wish it were.
(48:57):
And so I really do appreciateyou being willing to
kind of help pull backthe curtain and and
show us that, gosh, it'sit's hard and it takes work
and I just I just want tothank you for taking that time
for us in the.
Thanks for having me.
Yes.
And thank you for sharingthis recipe with us.
I'm super excited to try it.
(49:19):
And for everyone else, thankyou so much for joining us.
We'll make sure to link,the recipe that Melissa shared
with us today.
Thanks so much.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
(49:42):
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The Real
Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today'srecipe, social media support and
resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes, so
make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
(50:05):
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought and
thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eats!
She went through 12 baby sittersbefore she was a year old,
(00:03):
including my own mother,who said they'd never watch her
again.
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
(00:25):
Real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought and
thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
My guest today is Melissa.
Hi, Melissa.
Thank you so much for beinga guest on our show today.
(00:48):
Thanks for having me.
Yes, I was so excitedto hear about the story
that you're going to sharewith us today.
But first, if you couldfor those that don't know, you,
introduce yourself for us.
So I'm Melissa, I'm a doula,so I help women get birth,
help them through pregnancy andpostpartum.
(01:09):
I love it.
And I went to college for, childand infant development and
psychology, so I feel like I hada pretty good road to
understanding parenthoodbefore I had kids, and they
confused me.
But don't they, though?
Oh my goodness.
(01:32):
Yeah.
So that's that's why I'm here.
Very cool.
So, you're a doula in Las Vegas,correct?
Right.
Perfect.
Do you have any way, like,if folks end up wanting
your support, your awesomesupport, that they can kind
of reach out to you or contactyou?
How does that work?
So mostly I do friendsand family.
I actually have takena step back from it.
(01:55):
For the moment, just becauseI'm trying to focus on the last
little bit with my kids beforeschool starts.
And so I'm kind of like anon again, off again do list.
And I'm not I'm an independent,so if people reach out to me
on Facebook or they knowme, like I'll be there doula,
but I'm not, I don't I'm nottrying to do it too much at
(02:18):
the moment.
That's totally fair.
Grooming?
Yeah, I imagine so.
To kind of be that supportperson, especially with such
an unknown like giving birth,you never know when the
little kiddo wants to kind ofcome into the world.
If you are on call 24 sevenfor a five week period.
So my goodness, hard to planyour life.
(02:41):
Yeah, I imagine so.
But gosh, I imagine that that'sso helpful to kind of
have someone that's intheir corner.
Very cool.
Well, okay.
Tell us what recipe you'regoing to teach us today and
kind of why you chose that one.
So I'm doing spinachand artichoke dip.
It's a my cheat sheet of, like,how to get veggies into my kids.
(03:05):
Yes.
I feel like that's a theme I'mhearing a lot from parents.
Yeah.
You got to get those and thenmy kids, they've always been
a little under the growth chart.
So my their pediatricianis always trying to get me
to fatten them up with thehealthy fats.
So like cheese.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
So yeah, that my pediatrician isalways like get cheese,
(03:29):
get butter, get peanut butter.
Anything.
Any of that healthy fat.
So it has cheese.
It has veggies.
So it's like it works for us.
Perfect.
And so I saw this one was fromDelish.com.
Is that, a website that you lovefor like recipes?
Have you found a lotthat you like on there?
Yeah.
It's really good.
I love it because it haslots of easy recipes and, like,
(03:51):
tasty ones.
And that's what I need.
I need something easy, quick,healthy.
Come on. Yes.
I can't have three hours in thekitchen for one meal.
As much as I would love to.
Yeah, I love that.
Okay, so tip for parents.
Maybe take a look on there forsome recipes.
Very cool.
Okay.
So walk me through what am Istarting with first.
(04:13):
And then we'll chat.
So preheat your oven.
Okay. Oven.
Okay.
Then you just take all theingredients and you're
pretty much dumping them all in.
It's cream cheese, mayonnaise,sour cream, all kinds of
different cheese, artichokehearts, spinach, garlic.
(04:34):
You pretty much just dump itin the bowl and mix it.
Perfect.
So I can do that.
I am a good dump, a mixer. So.
All right.
While we do that, Iwould love to hear.
I know you're going to sharea story a little bit
about kind of your journey, whatit was like from going from one
kiddo to two kiddos and kind ofsome of the uniqueness
(04:55):
about that piece of it.
And I'd love to kindof know more.
So my first kid, she was theunicorn child.
She she was the like,if you look a perfect baby,
like the one who slept throughthe night, right away,
the one who started talking by18 months.
But like, like you could takeanywhere.
(05:18):
Like.
Like she.
She was that unicorn.
And so I thought I hadmotherhood in the bag.
I was like, I know exactly whatI'm doing.
Like, because I wasbreastfeeding, I was
baby wearing.
I was like, applying all theresearch from my psychology
classes that I had taken.
I was like, yeah, I got this.
Yeah.
(05:39):
And then, famous lastwords, right?
Oh, yeah, I got this.
I know what I'm doing.
This is easy.
Yeah.
I thought motherhood was easy.
And then I had my secondborn, and, you know, people used
to say, you know, your kidsare going to be different, like.
(06:01):
And to me, I don't know, maybeI thought like, oh, one kid's
going to be into pop music,and the other is going to be
into rock and roll.
You know, when people saythey're different.
I was thinking, like, cutethings like that.
That's how I.
Like, yeah, that's cool.
I can support their differentpersonalities.
No, the second one, she wasa dragon.
(06:24):
Like full blown.
She she came out screaming, andshe didn't stop screaming
for the first three yearsof her life.
Oh, my goodness.
I imagine that's reallyoverwhelming.
Especially when you've gotanother kiddo kind of
that you're trying toto care for at the same
time. Yes.
Yeah.
It was, it was, it was a lot.
It was very intense.
(06:46):
Because all of the things that Ithought I knew especially,
you know, like from my first onewhere I thought, like,
I got this.
I know exactly what to do.
I know how to handle all thethings.
Like, none of it worked.
None of it helped her.
Oh my goodness.
And and she she would scream ifshe was happy, if she was
(07:06):
sad, if she everything, ifany emotion more than like
it was screaming and she couldscream for hours.
She wasn't someone who couldscream herself to sleep.
She could stay awake for threefour hours at a time, screaming
and so she went through 12babysitters before she
was a year old, including my ownmother, who said they'd never
watch her again just becausethe screaming was was too
(07:29):
overwhelming.
No one knew how to make her stopor how to help her.
Or like why?
Like everything triggeredher. So.
And, she we did find outwhen she was, like, two months
old that she had lipties, tongue ties, cheek ties.
We got it revised.
So that helped.
(07:50):
Can you.
Before you go on, for anybodywho doesn't kind of know, like,
what the ties are, canyou tell us just a little bit
more about what those are?
How did you discover thatand kind of what does revising
look like?
So with with the tongue ties,it's like that, that string
under the bottom of your tongue,you know, if you lift it up, you
kind of have like, a stringlooking thing.
(08:11):
It's right.
And and you can have thoseon your cheeks and your
tongue, your lip, whatever.
So she had it all over.
She didn't just have one.
She had like 5 or 6 of themthroughout her mouth.
And the problem is,when you have those ties, it's
almost like you're keeping your,your neck hostage.
Like if you pull your tongueto the back of your throat
(08:33):
and try to try to function, it'svery difficult.
And so the dental pediatrician,there's a different name for it.
A pediatric dentist that we tookher to, they kind of
explained it as like, it's verytriggering for babies because
it's like their tongueis holding them hostage.
And it hurt.
(08:53):
It's uncomfortable.
It gets them headaches.
And so it it's very upsettingfor them.
And so it was very cool when I,when we went and did
the revision literally, I handedthem this very upset baby.
And they took her back forI felt like it was less
than a minute.
I had time to sit downin my chair and then pop
back up, and they were like,oh, here's your baby.
(09:15):
Because it was just they took alittle laser.
And what did throughout hermouth.
And that was the revision.
Okay.
And they handed her back to meand she was smiling.
I was like, really?
Who is this?
Like, they gave me backand smiling baby, I was like,
whose baby is this?
Like.
Yeah. Wow.
An incredible, like,just a shift, like you
(09:37):
said within just a minute.
But it was instantaneousthat she was a smiling,
happy baby for the first timein, like, two months.
Of her life.
And we the.
So the way we had discoveredit is when she was born,
her midwife had like, kind ofmentioned.
Oh, I think I might see a tonguetied, but she had mentioned it,
(09:57):
you know, amongst likebeing born and me giving birth
and there was a, there was.
Yeah.
So a lot of stuff happening.
Your mind's not necessarilygoing, oh totally sure.
Yeah, yeah.
And so it, it was sort of one ofthose things that like stored
and like kind of forgot.
And then after a couplemonths of being like,
what is like what is going onwith this baby?
(10:18):
I was like, wait a minute.
I had a little lightbulb moment, like, wait,
my midwife had mentioned thatthere was like, she thought
she saw a tongue tie.
So I took her to geta consultation with a pediatric
dentist and they were like,oh yeah, yeah, she's she's got
more than a tongue tielike she is.
Wow.
All the ties.
And so, so yeah.
(10:40):
So we got that done.
That helped a lot.
But also she, she was stillvery trigger happy.
Like she was still a screamer.
She was still just, choosenot to have a baby.
And so we get to the point.
Fast forward like, I thinkshe was like a little over
a year. She.
So I kept her home with me.
(11:02):
And it was, it was a crazytransition because
with my first, I would take herto storage time.
I would take her to restaurants,out to lunch.
We went to the parks, we wenteverywhere, you know,
and so then to transitionto have this baby, who wouldn't
want to stop screaming?
I couldn't take her anywhere.
So it was it was kind oftraumatizing for me that we,
(11:22):
we slowly kind of became like,imprisoned because I was like,
I'm not going to takea screaming baby to storytime.
You know?
I'm not I can't take her groceryshopping with me.
I'm not going to sit her at arestaurant to have lunch.
And so we stopped kind ofgoing places.
That sounds incredibly lonely.
Goodness.
(11:42):
It was.
It was getting lonelierand lonelier and and
traumatizing.
So I was like, I, I felt likeI was very prepared, like I have
a degree.
And in childhood, like, wait,someone someone offered me this,
this fancy thing on the wallthat says, you know, I, I know
things.
I also have my first babywho says that I know things, but
(12:05):
I didn't.
And so it was just crazy.
Oh. And that.
So then, she started beingable to, like, walk and talk,
and it got in some waysit got better because she was
sort of able to communicate,you know, what she wanted, what,
so that in ways that helped.
But then in other ways it madeit worse because now she could
(12:26):
walk and talk.
And she was honestly kindof violent, like she would
get mad and this little toddlerwould walk around and if she got
mad, she, she throw chairs,she would bite people, she would
pull hair.
And I'm like, I don't knowwhere she I don't know where she
learned this.
Like, this is not we don'tdo this.
You know, this isn't the placewhere we're where we have
(12:48):
where we do these things.
So I don't know whereshe's getting this from.
I don't know why she's doing it,but also, I'm not putting her
in daycare because I wasgenuinely afraid for other kids,
you know, being around her,I was like, she's she will
bite them.
Yeah.
I'm so curious.
Like, how was that for you?
Kind of on your parentnarrative?
(13:10):
I know that there's so many,right?
There's so many insta perfectparents kind of things that are
out there, so much mediaout there that kind of
says, this is this is the wayit go.
It's this is what parentinglooks like, you know?
And so I'm so curious about likewhat was going on for you
(13:31):
kind of behind the scenes,while you're experiencing
this just complete like,I don't know, she humbled me,
but mostly it was just like, Ia lot of admitting, I guess
I don't know what I'mdoing, like, maybe at all.
Like, I feel like I know what Iwas doing for my first,
but yeah, I'm like,I don't maybe I just don't know.
(13:53):
So then it was just a lotof like, trial and error
and then I was thinking, okay,you know, maybe, maybe we should
put her in daycare, maybe,like being around other kids,
which would help her.
And then Covid hit.
Oh my goodness.
And so now you went fromisolating yourself by choice.
And now you have to isolateby mandate.
Yes.
(14:14):
So then so so so then we startgoing through like things like
I discovered, you know, youhave to like I have to do
other things.
I like my baby wearing hersand helping, a lot of my things
aren't helping this kid.
And so I have to start doingother things.
So then I'm doing research,like, okay, I realized, like,
(14:38):
my oldest, I could feedher whatever for breakfast.
You know, some, like,if that means a sugar bomb,
sometimes she can.
She can eat, you know, a donutfor breakfast and be fine.
This one, she has to haveprotein, like, okay, I can't
do sugar for breakfast for thosekids.
Like, which, I mean,you shouldn't in any way, but,
(15:00):
sometimes you do, right?
And that's that's parentinglate in life, so sometimes
I'm not.
Yeah.
I'm curious.
Like, for her, what do you thinkit is about kind of the
protein that.
And how did you kind ofidentify that that was something
that was really beneficialfor her.
So I kind of identified itbecause I realized like I
(15:22):
had started taking different,like supplements, like the
B12 vitamins or different tryingdifferent coffees.
I love trying different thingsin general.
And then I was startingto realize, like B12 vitamins
make me ragi.
Like they help other people.
Other people make it, makes themhappy.
They're like, oh, I have agreat day.
If I take B12, I was,I was like, it makes me
like ragi, where I'm like.
(15:43):
And I was saying, so maybeI should start paying attention,
you know, if things areaffecting me for breakfast,
obviously same for my kids.
So I realized if I make surethat she has sausage or bacon
or eggs or lots of like aprotein heavy breakfast, it's a
better day.
Okay, okay, okay.
(16:05):
That's fine.
We can do that. Yeah.
Right.
That's that's an easy one toimplement.
Let's let's do that.
That's fine.
And then I started hearing aboutthe red dyes like okay
I'll take out red food dyes.
It helped.
What did you notice.
Like what kind of what helpwere you kind of seeing.
She wasn't as trigger happy.
(16:27):
Like she would still get mad,you know, she'd still
have her moments, but it wasn'tso constantly.
It went from being like,you know, the entire day is
wrecked to, like, maybeshe'd have a few bad moments.
Okay, so.
So it took it.
So now we're getting protein forbreakfast.
We don't have the red food dye.
(16:47):
And then, so another thingthat was different with
my first.
With my first, I didn't do TV.
I was like, no, we don'twe don't have screen time,
we don't watch TV.
I'm not going to have TV for thefirst two years of her life.
And I did pretty well with that.
With my second, I was like,for my own sanity, yes, you're
(17:08):
you're you're going to I'mgiving you screen time because,
like, I need a momentwhere you're not screaming.
And then she loved one.
Oh, I was just going to sayit, I, I wanted to pause there
because there are so many of,of parents that I've, I've heard
even that do have thoseideas of, you know, I really
(17:28):
want to stick with this planand again, with, with wonderful
intention.
And then sometimes when you findit's not working, it can feel
really difficult to, like, strayfrom that plan because
you're like, no, no, no, this isthis is what I said.
I was going to do.
And if I stray from that,you know that that means
I failed or, you know,whatever that narrative is
(17:50):
that comes up for them.
And I think what you justmentioned there, just being able
to say for my own sanityso that I can actually, like, be
a functioning human beingand show up for my kids
and all these other ways, maybeit does require some
flexibility, and kindof what that plan look like.
Oh, totally.
And it was it was very hardfor me to like, let go because
(18:13):
people come to me professionallyfor parenting advice, you know?
And so to be, to have tobe like, I'm no longer taking my
own advice.
Yeah.
Gosh.
Like, it's hard to let goof those ideals.
Like, you know what?
Like, like like the wholelike don't reward them
for crying by giving them candy.
(18:34):
Like, you know, like,sometimes for my own sanity.
Like, I'm just gonna haveto throw chocolate at you.
Just like.
Like here, please.
I just need, like, ten minutesof quiet, please.
Yes, but.
So then, her favorite show wasCocomelon.
Okay.
And I don't know if you'vedone any research on Cocomelon.
(18:57):
If it came after my kiddos,so I'm not too sure.
Fill me in.
So cocomelon.
There's been lots ofstudies done.
I find this out like aftermonths of her watching this
and her being an angry kid.
That because of the quicktransitions and something
about the way the showis set up, it's actually
it angers children.
It's something triggering intheir brain, and it makes them
(19:21):
rages.
And I'm like, oh, great.
Of course, her favorite TV showthat I use for my sanity right,
is the TV show that's like,you shouldn't let them
watch this.
Of course.
Of course.
But then, now she likes Bluey,but like, blue is amazing.
I recommend it for all kids.
Like parents.
Like, she's polite and doesthe cutest things and says
(19:43):
the cutest phrases now like stopwatching cocomelon and do Bluey.
Here's your plug for Bluey.
Yeah, seriously, like I will.
I love Bluey, blue is great, soI never watched it.
Can you give me just like aquick summary like what is
Bluey again?
My kids are older.
They would look at somethinglike that, go, oh that's a baby.
(20:04):
So yeah.
So it's it's adorable.
It's like these littleAustralian dogs.
It's like a cartoon about.
And so they have an adorableaccent, you know, and, and
there's this cute little familythat has they go through
everyday life problems like, oh,we're moving today.
This hat brings up a lot ofsad emotions, but this is
(20:27):
how we're going to handleour emotions.
You know, as a family togetherwill work through this
problem or or you know,your fish died, you know,
like real life kid problems,you know, and how as a family,
they work together to, tolike, handle these little
problems that come upin everyday life and, and it it
I think they do such a great jobon this.
(20:50):
And when I look I mean justfrom your your synopsis there is
I heard you mentioned kind ofthe word together and like,
you know, doing things, problemsolving together like multiple
times just in that short, like,you know, two minute synopsis
that you gave me there.
And I absolutely love that ideaof the togetherness.
I think that that'sso incredibly helpful when we're
(21:13):
talking about raising kids,because it can feel super lonely
and it can feel like, what do wedo?
And it's if the mantra is like,hey, let's figure this out
together.
Like, it's not just thatyou handle your own problems
and figure your stuff outand then come back to me.
You know, I think thatthat's that's amazing.
Very cool.
Yeah, I love that show.
(21:34):
It's helped so much, whichonce again, it's weird to be
like a TV show helped.
But no, it's really.
Yeah.
Okay.
But the main thing, besides,like, the protein and the red
food dye and pay attentionto what she's watching on TV.
The main big thing that helpedwith her, I took almost
(21:57):
three years.
Like when my kids have problems,I want to help.
You know?
I want to give them love.
I want to hug them.
I want to help them workthrough it.
I want to give them my toyor candy, you know, something
to help with the situation.
Yeah.
I realized with her, because oneday, like, she she was having
(22:17):
a meltdown and it was it wasbecoming violent, and I was
and I just I didn't knowwhat to do, so I, I, I was like,
you know what?
I'm just going to put youin your room.
Your room is full of softblankets, stuffed animals.
If you feel the need to throwthings, throw a stuffed animal,
throw it.
Just not don't throwhard things.
Yeah, don't don't hurt people.
Don't hurt yourself.
(22:38):
Just just get it out.
I'm going to sit here and,you know, basically cry
because I don't know how to helpyou.
And it is the craziest thing.
I stuck her in there.
She had her meltdownand it wasn't very big.
It wasn't as big as itnormally is.
And then when she was done,she came out and was like,
mommy, can I have a hug now?
I love you, I'm sorry.
(22:59):
It's like, whoa, whoa.
Yeah.
What?
Like, wait, wait.
And then I kind of I was like,wait a minute.
This kid is literally like.
Like a match.
Like with fire.
Like you.
How she's going to light up.
She's going to get angry, and.
But you just have to lether burn on her own.
(23:21):
Like, if you if I do anything orif anyone else tries to insert
themselves to help.
It's like throwing gasolineon this little fire.
But if you just let her,if you just let her letter
process it.
Letter, let her deal with iton her own, she'll deal with it.
And then she'll come whenshe's ready and then she'll
she'll let you help her then.
But she needs like a littlebit of time to herself to like,
(23:45):
kind of lose it, which ismaybe not the greatest,
but that, that has helpedso much.
We no longer do the screaming.
She's calmed down, like justletting her have her emotions
for a few minutes on her own,in a safe environment without me
trying to fix it or anyoneelse. Yeah.
It helps.
(24:05):
Well, you know, what's sointeresting about what you just
said is, on my my end of things.
Right?
So my background, we do a lotof that, that same kind
of studies.
As far as understanding kindof the brain and what's going on
mental health wise.
And I think that's exactly it.
So many times we've got this,this idea, right, that we
(24:29):
we've got to fix our emotions.
We've got to make them,especially the ones that are,
you know, quote unquote,negative emotions like, oh,
they're bad.
Like, let's just get over themas fast as we can.
And the difficulty is thenthey don't get kind of the time
and space that they needand that that really is good
for them to be able to kind ofhave that breathing room
(24:49):
just like that.
The Inside Out movie is great.
We talk about being ableto kind of give them
their spaces and their time,and then once they, they feel
seen, once they, they feelheard, and validated in that way
and whatever that looks like.
So for her, it sounds like,you know, maybe she needs
kind of that, that fresh room,that rage room kind of that,
that you see advertised.
(25:09):
Right.
And, you know, that is a waythat she's been able to kind
of work through some ofthese things, give them
their time, give themtheir space instead of just kind
of trying to suppress itand then having it come out
and all these really likeuncontrolled, much bigger ways.
Yeah.
Yeah. Cool.
Yeah.
It, I mean did on accident,but I'm like, okay, like
(25:34):
if you need to feelyour emotions for five minutes
in order to not haveto feel them for the next
three hours, that's fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
Before we go on, I've got myselfall mixed up.
Am I just transferring itthen to my oven? Safe.
Perfect.
I could do that.
All right.
And so kind of.
(25:54):
Is that since then, thingshave been more manageable.
Or tell me more.
Oh, yeah.
Now, now she is like a way.
She's way different.
Like now where you can go most,most days without
having problems or if we havea problem, you know, we
(26:14):
we can be like, okay, give herspace.
No one, no one tried todo anything, you know,
just let her.
Let her deal with it.
And then when she's done, she'llcome out.
She'll want her hug,she want to kiss.
And then we all move on.
So, yeah, it's just figuringthat out about her that, like,
you kind of have to treat herlike fire, okay?
(26:36):
Like that.
Like, don't pour gasolineon her fire.
Just let her fire burn out.
Like, and I, I it's like alittle thing I have to always
remind myself.
Because it's hard as a parentwhen you see your kid crying or
you see a situation isdeveloping, you want to
instantly go and fix itor help them.
And so it's it's it is hardto step back and be like, no,
(26:57):
it's okay.
Just let her letter readthrough it.
Let her do whatever it isshe has to do in her room
by herself.
But yes, it it has helpedso much.
Yeah.
So I'm I'm curious, like,have you found other things
that, that you've been ableto kind of add to her toolbox
(27:18):
that help her kind of workthrough those big emotions
and be able to regulate?
She loves art projectsand puzzles.
So.
So I made sure her room is fullof, like, soft things, you know?
So if she feels the need tothrow things, we're not throwing
chairs.
We're throwing a stuffed animal.
(27:39):
And then if she still needsalone time after she's
released her or her demonsor whatever, then there's
art projects that she can dowithout my help.
Like it if she makes a messwith it, I'm
not going to be like, oh no,there's paint on the carpet.
It's like crayons or, you know,things that she can do
on her own, puzzles she can dowithout my help.
(28:00):
And so there's a lot of, like,by herself, stuff that she can
sit there and she can do anddecompress.
And then once she's done,she and ready, like, I don't try
to force her to come out or,or anything.
When she's ready, she comes outand then so usually want love
and hug and and thatthat's that's mostly it is.
Yeah.
Paying attention andand we don't wake her up
(28:23):
like my, my oldest, my oldest,she doesn't get enough sleep or
we want to do something earlyfor the day like she's she can
handle it.
Whereas okay, my youngestI'm like nope, she is going
to she's going to get her her toher full.
Yeah.
Whole sleep.
So we let her sleep until shewakes up.
(28:46):
Okay.
It's gonna be interestingwhen school starts that that's
still a huge concern of mine,because obviously in school,
we're going to have to handlethings very differently.
But.
So how old was she?
When you kind of found this,this hack, if you will,
to kind of help her with heremotions because I know
(29:07):
you said, you know, 12 sittersright before she turned one.
And so, like, where are wein that?
Her timeline then probablyabout three years old.
Okay. Yeah.
It's time.
Wow.
So three years of of kind ofhaving to navigate that kind
of state and seeing your kiddokind of just be, gosh, so
(29:30):
overwhelmed.
I imagine with, I imaginethat doesn't feel great
in the body for, for your kid.
And then to kind of watch thatas a parent and, and just be
at your wit's end of, ofhow do I help?
How do I make it better foreverybody?
Yeah.
And there's so many,like, moments I can think of
that were hard like, like isyou'll get parenting advice from
(29:52):
everyone.
And I can't tell you the amountof people who were like,
you just need to, like,get like her, her like like,
you know, you're thinking,or you need to give her.
And I'm like, I'm not, I'mnot doing that.
So that was not that waslike a hard boundary for me
where I'm like, you know, maybe,maybe I'm wrong.
(30:14):
Maybe a good smack would solvemy problems.
But that's not how I parent.
You know, I'm I'm just notdoing it.
And so maybe that made it a lotharder for me.
But at least that is one thingin my parenting journey where I
was like, you know what, TVfind sugar?
I'm not gonna I'm not crossingthat line.
(30:35):
And when you have a lot ofolder people who want to, like,
insert themselvesin the situation, and that's
how the generation did thingsto sit there and be like, no,
I mean, what would yourespond to?
Because I gosh, I, I knowI've heard similar things.
I imagine other parentslistening have heard similar,
(30:57):
you know, people kind ofadvocating for this.
Like how do you, in the faceof that, still kind of
stick to your like stick to yourboundaries like you mentioned
and say, hey, this is ahard line I'm not willing
to cross.
Like, how did you respond?
How did you deal with that?
So mostly it was a lotof nodding, smiling, like,
(31:18):
if I obviously I'm not lettinganyone else touch my kid,
you know?
So I wasn't really anythingI had to deal with.
But as far as like themtelling me it was, it was it.
Depending on the situation,it was either a lot of nodding
and smiling like, okay,thanks for the advice.
Like whatever.
Or like, no, that's notwhat we're doing or whatever,
(31:38):
but it was a lot of havingto walk outside for a minute
and remind myself, like,you know what?
Maybe in this moment it mighthelp.
It might help me, you know, if,you know, if I were to just,
you know, shock herinto silence.
But that's not goingto help her, you know,
that's that in in the long run,it helps my peace for five
(32:02):
minutes.
It's not going to help herprocess things.
It's not going to help hercommunicate.
It's not going to help her. It ato satisfy me in this moment.
And I can do other thingsin this moment to satisfy
my need for peace.
Like walk outside.
Yeah.
You know, or, you know, eat somechocolate myself or be like,
(32:24):
tag my husband in like,how am I need I need to go
get my nails done.
I'll be back like you.
You handle this for an houror there is a lot of going to
the park.
Just like, go be free.
Go, go.
Run, please.
Some of it.
She loved the swingsshe was playing.
She loves the swings.
(32:44):
So it was like, okay, you knowwhat?
We'll go to the swings.
And she would do the swingsfor hours.
So it was wild.
And it was a lot of of remindingmyself like, this would help me,
not her.
And I need to help her.
Yeah.
And also sounds like it reallychallenged you to have to find
your own coping skillsto be able to kind of
(33:05):
work through.
Okay, I could do this.
I can I can keep going.
It it's going to take work onmy end.
Like you said, it may notbe the the quick and easy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that it sounds likeyou were able to kind of
find your way and find your own,you know, skills that kind
of helped you be able toto write it out as well?
(33:26):
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I needed my own coping skillsbecause my first did not
give me any.
So I mean, you know, this isby the glass, you know, half
full of that.
It sounds like it allowed you anopportunity to kind of grow in
some of those ways that maybeyou didn't get the challenge
(33:47):
the first time.
Yeah, I had to I, I made, like,a joke with myself.
Like everything was a momlevel up, you know, like, so
like something crazywould happen or we'd.
And I'd be like, all right.
I leveled up as a mom today,you know, like, like a video
game character.
Absolutely.
And I think that's a great wayto to reframe that instead of
(34:09):
like, hey, this is just hardall the time and kind of
getting stuck in that mindset oflike, hey, you know what?
This is a challenge.
It means I get to learnsomething new so that I can
level up.
And now we go on to the nextlevel and, you know, eventually,
hopefully reach ourfigure to do.
And you get your your prizeand your trophy maybe
(34:29):
I don't know if that actuallyexists in parenthood,
but you can hope for it.
Yeah hopefully.
Well and it's funny.
So I've been seeing a lot oflike negative things about her,
but she's also very funny.
Like she wasn't like thisconstant horror show.
Like I'm making her out to be.
She's a Gemini.
So I don't know if you're intoastrology at all, but.
(34:52):
So Geminis are very muchthey're called the twins, where
they have two differentpersonalities.
So as much as she couldbe cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs
and is like going offthe deep end, she could
instantly swing back into likethe funniest, most loving, like
sweetest kid you've ever met.
And you're like.
(35:12):
And it's funny because forother people, she will be.
She'll be like.
And they'll be like, oh, she'sthe sweetest kid I've ever met.
And you're like, okay, whoare you talking about?
We're always talking at her.
Yeah, yeah.
But and you know what?
I feel like I've heardthat a lot from from the second
(35:33):
kids.
I don't know if it'sjust everyone that I've spoken
to you, but I know that I canabsolutely relate.
My my husband and I, we we wouldcall her our youngest,
who is also our second,you know, kind of, oh my gosh,
you know, in a Sour Patch SourPatch Kid where like, it could
very much be that like,you know, chopping your hair off
(35:53):
while you sleep.
And then the next morningwhen you get up, it's like hugs
and kisses and oh my gosh,I love you so much.
And like, what just happened?
Yep, yep.
So that second kid energy.
Yeah, it's funny becauseas crazy as it is, like it
wouldn't change it or change herlike.
(36:17):
She, she's pretty awesomeI think as long as like we,
we make it to adulthoodshe'll do something really
awesome.
Like.
Yeah.
But oh that was another thingI was going to say her
I it got to the point with herwhere I was like maybe she's
autistic.
(36:38):
Okay I, I couldn't, I justcouldn't figure out why she was
so fiery.
So I did actually have herevaluated at one point
and they're like, no,she's just a little firecracker.
She's like, so but yeah, we'rewe're talk.
If you want to talk aboutlike deep levels of thinking,
(36:58):
like trying to figure out,I was like, I even went down
that road where it'slike, maybe, maybe I'm
in denial.
And there is, you know,some more going on.
But yeah, yeah, was thatI mean, even just making
the call and kind of the, thehumbleness, the fortitude,
whatever word you wantto use that it takes to kind of
(37:20):
even get to that point of beingwilling to go out and to to seek
support and, you know,whether it's an assessment
or whatnot.
Like, was that a difficultkind of, you know, barrier to
get past?
Yeah.
I mean, it's it's hard to tryto like, look yourself
in the mirror and be like, okay,you need help.
(37:41):
You know, maybe like, maybe youare doing that like, oh, it's a
mother's love.
She's, you know, there'snothing wrong with your kid,
like, kind of situation and liketo try to look yourself in
the mirror and be like,maybe there, maybe there is
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybeshe does have something
going on.
(38:01):
And you're just like, livingin denial for the last
three years.
But no, I took her.
And I mean, it it it's funnybecause it's like a relief
to find out, like, now.
Like she's she she's noton the spectrum.
But then also you'rewe're back to like, okay,
so whatnot.
Yeah.
So we're way excuses there.
(38:22):
There's no excuse like she.
Yeah.
This is no little firecrackerokay.
Like yeah I don't know if itwould have been a relief
to find out that there wasa reason or if I don't know.
I mean, not that you wantto find out that there's
something wrong.
You know, I can appreciate that.
(38:42):
I think it's also what youmentioned, just having
more answers.
Because now if we havethe answer now, we can start
looking at like, you know,geared research kind of solves
and fixes because we know whatwe're addressing versus
when it's very nebulousand you don't have any answers
and you're just kind offlailing, trying whatever to
(39:05):
to help fix it and hope that itsticks.
But you kind of don't knowwhat you're trying to address.
I imagine that that can bereally difficult.
Yeah, that, that that summedit up really, really well.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I'm so curious,like for you, what were there
(39:26):
any like, insights or resourcesthat you wish you knew
about sooner?
I think well, it would have beenreally nice to know, like,
from the beginning about,like the cocomelon and the red
food dye and, I mean,I it's weird because a lot
(39:48):
of the things seem likecommon sense things.
Once you put the like littlemoment on it.
Okay.
Like, I feel like every parentat this point knows you're not
supposed to give your kid redfood dye or, you know, feed them
sugar bombs for breakfast.
Like, that's like, likeobviously.
But, you know, I guess I didn'ttake it as serious like,
(40:10):
I knew it, but I didn't take itas serious as maybe I should
have, because maybe you heardabout it.
But I heard it.
But my first was able to like,if I, if she had red food dye,
it was not the end of the world.
Like we went on our merry way.
Where is with my second?
It was like, oh no, for real?
Yeah, well, this really, reallyaffects her like a lot.
(40:34):
And I think that's a reallygreat point because again, it's
that whole idea that it's not aone size fits all.
And so your kiddo is going tobe unique.
So maybe one, you know,one kiddo, it doesn't really
impact them as much.
Or you know, as noticeablymaybe.
However for the next kidit might.
And so, you know, if you'retrying to kind of fit them
(40:56):
in the same exact size box andit sounds like it may not work,
it does not work.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I think that wasit would have I guess helped
knowing that like whenpeople say, oh, each kid
is going to be different.
They, they, they don't mean likein the cutesy like, oh,
(41:18):
this kid's going to be intothis type of clothing and this
kid's going to be into this typeof music.
They like it for real.
They're like, oh, completelyand utterly different in
every way.
People think, wow, even if theylook alike and sound alike,
and they're both your kidsand they have the same parents.
Nope.
They're they're so different.
(41:41):
Wow.
I'm curious.
Would would anythingbe different?
Like if you had a time machineand you could go back in time
and tell yourself something,either whether it's to prepare
yourself or even, you know,something that you can share
with others that might beexperiencing something similar,
like what would youtell yourself or how would you
prepare yourself differently?
(42:02):
Maybe, I mean, I neverwould have introduced Cocomelon.
Okay.
I would have something.
I think we've got no one. Yeah,I would have started Bluey
way, way a long time ago,but mostly a lot of, like, going
outside.
Like, if it's too much, don'tdon't let your house become a
(42:23):
prison. Like, if your kid'sscreaming, it's still okay
to take them to the park.
You know, I mean it like, taketake them outside.
Give yourself some room.
I mean, if it's if it'sto the point that it's a problem
and, you know, your kidwon't stop screaming at
the park, at least, at leastgive it some time.
Give your kid a chance toto find something that's
(42:47):
interesting to them.
Because, yeah, it's not okayto take them to the library
if they're screaming orwhatever.
But mostly I mostly go outside.
Being outside helps your sanity.
It helps them.
It just seems to help overall.
If you can find a way to getoutside without like
bothering too many peopledo that and to sort of
(43:11):
go for it.
Oh, it's just things that I wasjust going to ask, you know,
you mentioned that, you know,going out and kind of that,
that public perspective,was that ever something that you
encountered where people were,maybe shaming you or, you know,
giving you dirty looks withthe screaming?
So looking back, there's alot of times that, I, I think
(43:35):
I was mentally shamingmyself more so than necessarily
other parents because there,there were so many times I was
actually surprised that the copsdidn't get called, like,
because I, I swear they probablylooked like I was kidnaping my
own child, like so many times.
Oh my goodness.
Like trying to leave Costcoor trying to leave a park,
(43:56):
you know, or somethingthat she was actually into,
you know, or she wasn't into.
And it was like, okay, it istime to go.
Because at this pointwe're being a disruption
to like, other people.
So if I look back on it, I don'tknow that I was necessarily
getting all of those dirty looksor those judgments.
(44:18):
You know, it was itwas a lot of me doing it
to myself, you know, because Ifeel like other parents,
especially other parentswith, like, the dragging kids
or just kids that aren'tunicorns, like, they understand
they've been there.
Other parents have been there.
So, you know, and other parents,I've had other parents come up
and offer to help me, you know,and we're like, was that
(44:40):
helpful?
Yes, yes, depending on thesituation.
I mean, so I feel like I dida lot of self-isolating because
there's a lot of like, oh, don'ttrust other strangers.
You know what they're tryingto steal your kid or, you know,
whatever.
So then you have to do the wholelike mental, like, oh, wait,
this is actually like just a momwho, like, she understands
what you're going through.
Like, she gets it, she gets it.
(45:02):
Accept the help.
Like, yeah, like, don'tsit there and make it worse
mentally for yourself, you know?
So I if I could go back,I probably would have
given myself an extrafive minutes, you know,
at the park, or I would havebeen more receptive to the mom
that came up to to help,you know, like, thank you.
(45:24):
Like, yes, I could use a fiveminute flex.
Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you, thank youor thank you for not calling the
cops on me.
I promise this was my kid.
Yeah, I'm just trying totake her home because I realize,
I mean, she's having a moment,but. Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that I was justgonna say.
(45:44):
I think that that's such ahuge piece that you just
mentioned that self shame.
I feel like I said, parentsare really, really good at doing
that of just like reallyseeing this and being kind of,
most critical person aboutwhat's happening.
And are there people out therethat might be giving you dirty
(46:05):
looks?
Yeah, there's a lot of a lotof jerks out there.
However, like you said, thatthere might be more people than
you think that are goingI feel you like I see you
and hear, how can I help?
And are willing to help.
Even, like you said, if it'sjust for five minutes.
And sometimes it can bereally hard to see that when
(46:27):
you are just so entrenchedin your self shame, your self
guilt.
Even so.
Wow. Gosh.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, if I could go backand be like, tell all
the parents, give yourselffive more minutes to breathe
and to to to realize thatall of your negative thoughts
(46:48):
that they're your thoughtsare not necessarily
their thoughts.
And even if it is theirthoughts, it's fine.
Like get give everyone a littlemore time to to let the
situation decompress.
And you breathe your kidbreathe, everyone just.
Yeah.
Gently away.
(47:10):
All right, so I've got mymy prep that I'll put
in the oven.
I did ahead of time.
Kind of prep us with with themnow. So when you have this, do
you just eat it by yourselfor like what's your guys's
favorite favorite way to chips?
Tortilla chips.
Yes. Okay.
(47:31):
I already have a bag of tortillachips waiting.
So once this is cooked well,once it's nice and hot
and bubbly, we will digin with the tortilla chips.
Yeah okay, so I will make sureto have some tortilla chips.
I'm sure my kiddos will love it.
And like I said, a great way.
It's got you got your sentencein here.
You got your artichokes.
Get them a little of those,good fats as well.
(47:52):
I feel you on the lower, side ofthe growth.
I've been hearing that narrativeabout my own kiddos since
they were born, so I.
I feel that I guess what my kidsare also, they're thriving.
They're growing just fine.
Yes, they're smaller, butmom and dad are short
people, too, so we can'treally ask a whole lot from,
(48:15):
oh, say my husband's five footfour, I'm five foot two.
And I'm like, my kids werenever going to be.
I mean, they weren't set upfor six foot capabilities.
And that's okay.
Yes. Exactly.
Like they're your little.
It's fine.
Yeah.
And you know what?
There's a ton of thingsthat when you're shorter
(48:36):
that you get to do that otherscan't.
So exactly.
There we go.
Oh Melissa it was so great tohave you on here.
Thank you so much for beingwilling to share your story.
I know that, talking aboutthe harder sides of parenting,
isn't as readily doneas I wish it were.
(48:57):
And so I really do appreciateyou being willing to
kind of help pull backthe curtain and and
show us that, gosh, it'sit's hard and it takes work
and I just I just want tothank you for taking that time
for us in the.
Thanks for having me.
Yes.
And thank you for sharingthis recipe with us.
I'm super excited to try it.
(49:19):
And for everyone else, thankyou so much for joining us.
We'll make sure to link,the recipe that Melissa shared
with us today.
Thanks so much.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
(49:42):
Thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The Real
Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today'srecipe, social media support and
resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes, so
make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
(50:05):
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought and
thoughtful food.
Enjoy your eats!
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