Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Not to say that I didn'tlove them or enjoy moments
(00:03):
with them.
Yeah.
But there was a real resentmentand regret and grief.
Hi everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa, and I'myour host.
(00:26):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on The
real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:47):
Hey, everyone.
Okay, so my guest today isMegan.
Hi, Megan.
Thank you so much for joiningus today.
Thank you for having me.
Yes.
I am so excited to hear aboutyour story.
We've got a very special storyfor everyone and also to learn
about this recipe.
I have not tried this one,so I'm super excited.
But before we do thisfor anybody who doesn't know
(01:08):
you would mind introducingyourself.
So my name is Megan Cordaro.
I am a mom to five kiddos ages19, 19, 17, 13, and 10.
I think we all rememberthem all.
You know, some kids live inyour mind, just like one age
it takes a while to jumpto the next.
(01:29):
Yeah.
So I have to think about that.
And I am currently working asa birth and postpartum doula,
a parent, counselor and Irun support groups down at Rock
Rose School.
Wonderful.
So for anybody who islooking for some of those
support services, and it soundslike you are are providing
(01:51):
our community, which is so neatand so exciting, how can anybody
find you?
My website.
Okay.
W w w dot Megan cordero.com.
I'm sure that you'll.
Yeah they will.
It will be underneath hopefullyin this banner right around
here.
And I will link it in our shownotes as well.
For anybody who's looking forsome of the support services.
(02:12):
And I do parent like counselingand coaching outside of
the school too.
Okay.
Another parent groupsthat would be accessible.
Wonderful.
Oh, that's so awesome.
Okay.
So tell me what recipe we'remaking today.
And why did you choose this one?
Okay, so this is the most basicrecipe, but I chose it
because it's so easy.
(02:34):
And it's like I would alwaysjust have all the ingredients in
my fridge.
Okay, so this is one ofthose like, oh crap,
I don't know what I'm makingfor dinner dinners.
When the kids arelittle happened a lot.
Luckily, this was one ofthose things that the kids
always eat.
Really?
Okay, we're never like,oh, we have to have fun again.
Like, everybody always was like,oh yeah, harvest greens.
(02:56):
Yeah.
So it's very easy.
It's not fancy at all.
But I knew that this would bethis is one of my recipes
that I share with a lot ofmy families.
And it's so easy. Yeah.
And it sounds like supernutritious.
Staff just wanna make suretheir bellies are full, as you
mentioned, especiallyin that kind of survival cinch.
Parenting.
(03:17):
I know what you need.
You just need something.
Like you said, I can put it on.
I already have kind of all theingredients and not having
to go out and make anextra chip, especially
with exactly a fullload of kids.
You know, that's that's atask in itself.
It's a lot.
And my husband's a firefighter.
Okay.
So he was gone a lot.
Sometimes he'd be gonefor like 3 or 4 days at a time.
So it was like this was the easylike this was literally
(03:40):
once a week.
Yeah.
Made perfect.
Okay.
So, if you could tell me kind ofthe steps, what are we going
to be doing?
I can get things startedwhile we chat a little bit
about your story. Sure.
Very easy.
You know the chicken broth.
Okay.
And then, I put a little bitof butter in there as well,
just for flavor.
And I get, like a little bitmore water.
Another type of oil intoif you're dairy free.
(04:02):
The other thing about thisrecipe that's great is
you can do a lot of differentthings with it.
You could do vegetable brothinstead of chicken broth okay.
Some kind of oil, like if you'revegetarian at different stages.
When I was pregnant, I oftengave up dairy.
Okay.
And I so that was mess with thisa lot and it was always so
really good.
So you're going to heat thechicken broth with some
(04:23):
sort of oil or somethingelse in there.
Okay.
And then once all that comesto a boil, you put in
the serving of harvest greenswith the vegetables.
Another great thing.
You put whatever vegetablesyou have on hand. Okay.
My favorites were alwayslike corn and peas and broccoli.
But like, if I had chosengreen beans with whatever frozen
vegetable I had or like,you know, half the bag, I hadn't
(04:45):
used that or something.
I would just throw thatin perfect.
And then I'll just cook,okay, until it's done.
Okay?
And I can do that.
We look towards the ends ofwhen it says it's going
to be done.
I think it's like ten minutes.
I just kind of keep checkingbecause the veggies do make it
a little bit more liquidy.
Okay.
So sometimes you need to cook ita little bit longer.
But we check often becausethe bottom does burn okay
(05:07):
quite quickly but to notwhich is also fine.
Yeah.
Think because then the bottomis just discarded in the rest
of it's still good reason.
This is a very goodand easy recipe where you
can add a little crispiness.
Yeah, I think yeah I love it.
Okay.
So I'll get this stuff going.
And I'll make sure to get itto that boil and then we'll,
(05:30):
we'll get going.
I know one of the thingsthat we wanted to chat about,
I specifically askedif you could chat about,
was the fact that you havea little bit of a unique
kind of outside parentingjourney, especially with
your first kiddos and,and that's something even though
it's unique in the sensethat not it's not a widely
(05:53):
publicized kind of everyone hasthe same journey.
It's it's one thatactually a lot of my parents
relate to.
And so I would love for youto kind of chat a little bit.
Can you kind of set the stagefor us and, and share for me
kind of what that was likethe first.
Yeah. So, a little bitof backstory.
I was getting my master's degreein social work, really
(06:15):
trying to, like, planeverything out.
My husband really wanted kids,and I was like, no,
I want to finish my degree.
So I said, fine, we couldstart hiring right before
I started my second year, okay?
Thinking that if I got pregnant,I would have the babies right
as I graduated.
Everything's good. Right?
I have my degree.
I'll start my hours.
Everything will be great.
(06:35):
Yeah.
Have the baby that we wantedto do it all right.
I feel like that's howso many of us like where we can
make this plan.
I can totally do it. We.
Maybe your life changes,but it's great.
It's just like an easy,wonderful addition.
And it's like your lovejust grows and everything's
beautiful and happywith the baby.
Yeah.
(06:57):
So that that didn't work out.
I mean, everything's great,but that did not play out
in the way that I hadanticipated.
So, and I think that that'sthe that's common thing for me
now.
So I, found out thatI was pregnant.
Okay.
A week after we found outthat my husband was getting
(07:21):
mobilized to be deployedto Iraq.
Oh my goodness.
Yeah.
So he was in the Army Reserves.
He's a firefighter on thecivilian side, but in the Army
Reserves.
And this was during all that.
And he got a call sayingthat he was getting transferred
to a unit in New York.
And for two days we were like,Thank God it's not Iraq.
(07:42):
You're just going to New York.
I can still come visit like,no big deal.
Yeah.
And then after a couple days,we found out, no, he's getting
transferred to the unitin New York that is getting
to deploy Iraq.
Oh my goodness.
So we found that out.
I was at dinner with, with himat his dad's house and sort of
like, you're goingto be leaving, come to dinner
(08:03):
kind of a thing. Yeah.
And on the way home, I was like,I am more tired than I have
ever been in my entire life.
And I had done, like, you know,finals in college, like,
I don't know, like I'vebeen up for 36 to 48
hours before.
Yeah.
And I still had not feltas tired as I felt like that
night.
And that's such a true thing.
(08:23):
I want to just pausefor a moment because
I absolutely relate to that.
I felt like I saidthe same thing, you know,
when I was in, undergrad,it was like, oh, you know,
those late nights studying,you're like, oh, I'm
so tired of, you know,the most tired I've ever been.
And you go to grad schooland you're like, oh, no,
I didn't know what I wastalking about.
(08:43):
And then, like you said,you said to me, I'm pregnant.
And that tiredness is justsomething that's so difficult
to communicate to someonelike what it's like.
It is.
Absolutely.
So I like you core toyour bones.
You're just so exhausted.
So. Yeah.
So we found out that nightthat I was pregnant,
(09:05):
which was not the storythat I wanted at this happy
like we're that. Yeah.
It was we were happy.
But it was also incrediblybittersweet.
Yes.
We knew that in a week you'll beleaving.
So what was going throughyour mind?
And I hope he comes back.
Yeah.
That sounds incredibly scary.
(09:26):
Yeah that was it.
But it, and it was alsothat I didn't it was, it was
the set up for like all of myparenting basically,
which is like the abilityto hold two things at one.
At least the two things.
Yeah. Right.
Can you say more more aboutthat?
Yeah, 100%.
I was overjoyed with happiness,but I was also terrified.
(09:48):
But I was also sad,and I was also wanting to.
So we present outside of all ofthose feelings because I thought
this might be the last weekwithout my husband. Yeah.
And I'm feeling all thesethings, and I can't even enjoy
being with him.
And.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, it sounds overwhelming,and I think you nailed it
on the head.
(10:08):
Is that often times when weencounter events, sometimes
people kind of have that like,oh, it's just one emotion.
And then, you know, when anotheremotion comes in, they're like,
oh no, I can't, I don't havetime for that one.
And and you're absolutely right.
Like you can just belike a whole tornado of,
you know, a million differentemotions and that they all
(10:29):
kind of are validbecause they're probably trying
to tell you something.
Right. Exactly.
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay.
So you got this.
You've a week before.
Oh my goodness.
So tell me more kind ofhow does it go from there.
So then he leaves.
I was living nearby his,his family, which I had become
(10:49):
very close with systemsall the time with them.
But I was also in grad school,driving an hour up to grad
school, so a lot of time.
Oh, wow. Yeah, those are scarytimes.
Over the over that summer,we had moved down, yeah,
farther away.
But I was only going to schoollike, two days out of the week.
(11:11):
And, you know, at my internship,like the other three days,
wasn't quite as far as goingto school.
So anyway, so I was busy.
But I was feeling a lotof cramping and pain.
Okay.
And I was certain that I waslosing.
Oh, wow.
I was able to go visit himbefore he shipped out
in Indiana, for just acouple days.
(11:34):
So it was after I had beento visit him.
They came back, and I wasjust feeling a lot
of sensations.
And I would call and they wouldsay, it's normal to have some
cramping and everything.
You know, it's fine.
Just wait till you're okay.
Another lesson for like, thebeginning of many lessons
that you really need to stand upfor yourself.
(11:56):
You know, I've heard severalparents now say that exact
same thing, and I would loveto know kind of your your
perspective on why that isso important and maybe what for
you was kind of your barrier,your struggle for, as you
mentioned, and standing upfor yourself?
Yeah.
I mean, I feel likethis could be a whole other like
hour and a half.
(12:17):
Yeah, because I am a doer.
And so I do like in thatmedical space, there's a lot of,
work that I do with my clientsto empower them to speak up
for themselves.
Okay.
And I think.
It's interesting becausemy husband's a firefighter,
(12:38):
so I hear a lot of his storiesfrom, like, the medical
side. Okay.
From from that perspective.
Yeah.
People get burned out.
People say things a lotof times, and, there's nothing
to back it up.
Right?
Like people will say, you know,my pain is at a ten right now,
but they're saying it like that.
(12:59):
And he says to people, you know,just so you know, if your pain
was like a ten, like youwould be screaming like,
you know.
Yeah.
So do you want to adjustyour pain scale kind of thing?
So I understand wherethe medical side is coming from.
Yeah.
At the same time, even moreso that's why we need
(13:21):
to speak up for ourselves,medical space or whatever.
Because only we know our bodies.
Yeah, and only we knowour experience.
And whether everybody elsein the room has had that
experience, and they're havinga different reaction
doesn't make a differenceto you.
It's your reaction, andit's your body and
it's your feelings and theydeserve to be heard. Yeah.
(13:45):
And so I kept calling okay.
Because I was like,I am not comfortable.
Yeah.
I do not feel like I feel likesomething is wrong.
And I really need tocome in. Yeah.
And they finally said,okay, fine, you can come in
with. Wow.
(14:05):
And that's so hard,especially as a first time
parent.
And I finally explained to themwhen I got in, I said, look,
my husband's deployed right now.
Yeah, I am alone in thisand I am having all of
these thoughts and I justreally need somebody
to reassure me or notknow what's going on.
But I really just needto check in and figure out
what's going on. Yeah.
And that was the one appointmentthat I went to because it was
(14:27):
last minute that my mother inlaw did not come with me. Okay.
So, so she does the ultrasound.
I ended up switching practices.
As a side note that inhindsight, I'm like, where was
she looking?
Because anybody who's beenpregnant knows that when you
are that early, you look downhere on an ultrasound.
(14:50):
She was looking up here.
I don't know if it was herfirst day or first hour, like
I don't know what was going on.
Okay. Anyway, so she saidI can't find a heartbeat cause
that's my worst nightmare.
Yeah.
So I am like, okay, all right.
Like, this is happening.
She said, don't don't give uphope.
We're going to do aninternational ultrasound
(15:11):
just to make sure, justso I can see.
Okay.
So we go in and the picturecomes up.
And I remember thinkinga lot going on in that picture.
And she said oh my.
Oh those words come out ofthe person looking inside
of you.
Oh my oh my.
(15:32):
And I said is there somethingwrong.
Yeah.
And she said oh no there'snothing wrong.
There's just two of them.
Oh wow.
So that's how I found out I washaving twins after the
oh my the, oh my and theinsistence that I
be seeing. Yes, I obviouslywould have found out eventually.
(15:55):
Right.
But the earlier the betterwhen you find out about those
things. Yeah.
Big news.
It's big news to kind of you'repregnant, you know there's more
than one there's more than oneof them there.
Yeah.
So and they explained to methat it made a lot of sense,
and they then validatedmy experience.
(16:16):
Well, we felt a sense that youwere feeling so much pain
because this is your firstpregnancy.
And with twins, everything goesslowly. Yeah.
So everything that shouldbe expanding a little bit
slowly is going faster.
Everything's happening fasterand more.
And so it makes sensethat you're feeling a lot
of cramping.
Wow. Yeah.
(16:36):
Okay. Yeah.
Well thank you.
That's what I've been saying.
Thanks for finally listeningto me.
Okay.
Can I put this guy in now or orwait till he's a little
bit more?
I would wait till it's like.
Yeah, no, you can put it in.
Okay.
But I would maybe put in, like,half of all of that.
Sounds good.
I can do that.
Because once it's cooked, I kindof like to break the
(16:57):
broccoli up.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
So.
So I found out that it wastwins.
Okay.
And I will never forget.
I forget a lot of thingsnow that I had kids, but I will
never forget.
It was on a Tuesday thatI found out.
Oh, wow.
And I was not going totell my husband that we were
expecting to until Friday.
(17:21):
So, I mean, holding all of thatnews and just that experience
I imagine can be justso, I mean, to use the word
again, overwhelming.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was very overwhelming.
I like to say that I wasnaive enough to be
really excited.
Tell me more about that word.
(17:42):
Well, it was just,you know, after they came
was not, it was noteasy. Oh. Okay.
And so I, had I known,had I had, you know, a
child already or something,I would have been a little bit
more frightened.
And I was conscious, of myfirst rodeo.
(18:04):
At that point, I didn't know.
Okay.
I mean, I was a little scared,but I would have been a lot
more scared.
I really now.
Okay, so walk me through kind ofnow, your thought process,
you know, you've got twins,like you said, kind of.
Everything's movingtwice as fast.
And again, you're doing thiswithout your parent partner.
(18:26):
There.
So what was that experiencelike?
I understand you know, it'skind of my at that time
kind of all you knew.
Right.
But I imagine that that's sucha tough journey to do.
There was a lot of, there wasa lot of just like, this is just
(18:47):
what it is.
Okay.
I tried really hard not tothink about whether he
was in danger.
Just like we were emailing backand forth.
That was our primary mode ofcommunication.
Okay.
There was a phone with the unit,but it was only, he could only
use it like once a week or so.
Okay.
(19:07):
So yeah, I mean, I was justkind of like, trying to
put him out of my mind.
Luckily, I did havemy grad school, my internship.
That kept me pretty busy.
Okay.
They were very supportive.
They gave me a baby shower.
Your grad program did okay,I saw pictures, I was sitting in
(19:27):
the classroom, and, like,they had to say all these
things, and.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, they were very, verysupportive.
And then my family was verysupportive.
My mom came out to visit.
She was living in Virginiaat the time, to visit
multiple times.
I just, I thought I really felta sense of community around me.
Wow.
Which was very helpful.
(19:48):
Yeah.
And I imagine, you know,I've heard from other families
where they don't necessarilyalways have some of
that community.
And so that is wow, justso awesome that you were able
to find some of those people.
And then those people were ableand willing to show up for you
in that way.
It sounds like.
Totally. Yeah.
And I think that set the stagefor me always finding
(20:10):
a community.
Okay.
And like, no, because likewe moved a couple times and,
just I've just always sought outmy group to, you meet
your group?
Yeah.
How do people when whenyou moved to these places,
was it kind of coming naturallyto you, or were there specific,
like, tips or tricksthat you had?
(20:30):
Because I hear thatall the time.
Like, it's so hard as grownups to meet friends and to find
your people.
Yeah.
So I, I was very much into theattachment parenting
world. Okay.
So I found that initiallythrough like, a very random,
connection.
(20:50):
But she was somebody that wasreally there for me after
the twins were born around,I had wanted I was adamant
that I would try to nurse them.
Even though doctor told meit was possible, literally,
and told me that I shouldnot even try, because there was
no way that I would be ableto keep up with their needs.
And I just shouldn't even try tojust kind of resign yourself
(21:12):
to the fact that you're justto get them.
I mean, I can appreciate,you know, maybe their intent
was to to alleviate some of thatpressure, right?
I mean, they knew my situation,right? Yeah.
I wasn't was going to be there,but I said something
I really want to do. Yeah.
To kind of just be like,oh, here's something I
really want to do.
(21:33):
Don't do that.
Yeah.
I mean, again, talking aboutthat invalidation of what
your thoughts, your feelings,your you know, your plan
or the ideas that maybe you havein your head.
And then, yes, if it doesn'tnecessarily pan out in the way
you're, you know, wanting tokind of yeah, flexibility.
That's definitely somethingI think we need this period.
(21:53):
Yeah.
But altering of expectations.
Yeah, absolutely.
But it's also really importantto trust your intuition,
which I did over and over again.
Yeah.
Many situations and thathas never I've never been
steered wrong by feelinglike I did what I felt in
(22:16):
my heart was the right thingto do.
Yeah.
You know, and I really thoughtfor that, I think that's it's
so important to hear, especiallyfor anybody out there who's been
struggling with just that,like trusting your gut
and kind of because our brainsare really good at telling
us all the ways that it'sgoing to maybe not work
out or fail.
And so it can be really easy to,to get stuck in that.
(22:39):
And so to kind of hear you saythat, at least in your
experience firsthand, trustingyour gut has really kind of
been an asset to you.
It sounds like.
Yeah, yeah.
And I feel like it is definitelyimportant to recognize
that there's the anxietyparts of us that serve us well.
But also can sometimestell us things that aren't
(23:01):
true. Yeah.
And there's our intuition partand there's some crossover there
sometimes, but trying tohave spaces where we're quiet,
you know, where we can reallyjust kind of, like, try
and go in and figure out,like what?
What is my gut telling me?
Yeah, I of the fear.
And outside of the big thingof the other people's
(23:23):
expectations, what is itthat I want?
What do I feel?
Yeah.
Just for me and my familyin this situation, did you find
that that was kindof most helpful for you
in being able to navigate,like you said and tease out
which which were kind ofthe anxiety speaking to me
right now, which werethe intuition, kind of the gut.
Yeah.
And I would really go backto my community a lot.
(23:46):
Okay.
Once I found that, you know,that my good friends, like,
I would end up talkingto my good friends like,
this is what I feel.
What do you what do you think?
Like really finding those peoplethat you can trust, you can have
those conversations with to havethat back and forth and just
have like that sounding board.
Okay.
It's really important.
Yeah.
But so my that one friend wasa huge support to me.
(24:07):
I said, no, I want to nurse.
And she said you can do it.
And she got me the name ofa lactation consultant
that ended up talking to meso often for free.
Wow.
I never even met her.
But I would leave her messagesand she would call me back,
like right away.
She talked me through allthe things.
My friend would come overand make me dinner.
(24:29):
She would bring her kids overand just sit with me.
I would take my kids over thereand I would lay in her bed
and take naps.
I mean, just, wow, that kindof community.
That made me feel supportedeven though I didn't have
my partner there.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think again, for,you know, if you're a parent
(24:50):
supporter out there,you think that that's such
valuable information and waysto be able to show up for these
people in your life.
In a capacity that maybethey actually could really
appreciate and need versus,like you said, maybe some of
those people that are coming inthinking they know better.
So I'm going to do the thingsthat, you know, I think, right,
I should be doing, whichit sounds like in your
(25:11):
experience, it was what do youneed?
And how can I kind of help youin that way?
Yeah.
And I talk with my postpartumclients a lot about that.
Even my birth for clients.
Like whatever you thinkyou may need, you're ready
for it to change first of all.
Yeah, because once you havethat baby, everything
blows up right?
It blows up.
(25:31):
And you're like, what?
Who am I?
What is going on?
What is my life now? Yeah.
And and be ready to bereally honest and set
really good boundariesabout what is going to
be helpful.
Even if that means you'regonna piss people off.
Yeah. Fine.
It gets you pissed off.
You get to have what you need.
Yeah.
And that's such a goodreminder folks that you know
(25:53):
they, they're totallyentitled to feeling pissed off.
That's fine.
That's their own emotions.
At the same time. Exactly.
You're not responsible.
You don't need to feelthat pressure of taking that on.
And then kind of essentially,as I say, like manage
other people's emotions.
You got your own stuffand now you've got new baby,
(26:14):
you've got your hands full.
You don't necessarilyneed to take on and have
all that external stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll never forget my motherin law, who I adored and
has passed.
We had a lot of conversationsas my kids got older and,
she expressed to me how Iraised my kids so differently
(26:36):
than she did, but she had somuch respect for how
I had done it.
Well, and we really came tothat together because, like,
I'll never forget she said atone point, you know, the twins,
it was wild.
I didn't put them on a schedule.
Had to nurse them, man,because I needed I really
wanted to know somethingthat meant I had to just nurse
on demand.
(26:57):
Yeah.
So I had put somebody downfor a nap and then somebody else
a little bit later, and somebodywoke up and they started crying,
and I was like, oh, I can'tforget this baby. Yeah.
And she said, you know,you can let them cry.
And I said, I don't want to.
Yeah, I want to let them cry.
I know that people do.
(27:17):
I don't want to.
And she said, at some pointyou going to have to let
them cry.
You know.
Not wow.
And she kind of like.
Let's see how that goes.
Yeah.
But like I said we really cameto an understanding I did things
differently.
(27:38):
And that was okay. Yeah.
And it was okay that she didthings differently.
I respect how she did it.
Yeah I needed to do it howI felt like I wanted to.
Yeah.
It's all right to me.
Was that kind of as you movedand maybe as you mentioned
kind of her her telling youhey I, I respect kind of
(28:01):
that you did things differentlyin it and you were able to kind
of stick to your gunsin that way.
Was that what wasvalidating was, I mean, what was
going on for you in that moment?
Because I imagine that that manyof our parents are experiencing.
I think there's so much of thatnew wave of parents nowadays
(28:23):
kind of looking at itand saying, just because
that's how it's always been donedoesn't mean that's how
I have to do it or howI want to do it.
And they're stepping outsideof the box and that can be
really scary.
Terrifying.
Yeah.
And so, you know, to then havesomeone who maybe is from that,
that group that we'retelling you kind of, you know,
I don't I don't know if you,you know, this is appropriate to
(28:46):
kind of then have them come backand say, okay, I get it,
I see you.
Yeah, yeah.
Was that what was yourexperience when you heard that?
I think it just validatedfor me, like me listening
to what I felt was right for me.
And I think that's,that's the big kind of like
(29:08):
like.
For me a lot of timesis that like if you're doing
what you feel like in your gutis really the right thing,
then you're going to feel moreconfident, okay, about what's
going on.
Yeah.
And that confidence will beimportant to your children.
And that confidence will beportrayed to the people
around you.
Yeah.
If you're if you're okaywith your kid tantrum, and then
(29:30):
return it because you, you know,don't want to do what
everybody else thinks thatyou should do.
But you feel confidentthat this is the right role.
Yeah.
And people are going to justbe like oh you got it.
You know.
Yeah.
Versus you standing therebe like oh my God you're doing
that internally.
(29:52):
Absolutely.
There's just there's a senseof like confidence and surety
that comes with followingyour gut.
And I feel like joy,eases everybody through the
process. Yeah.
So that's not it's not.
And I'm not saying that, like,everybody should do it
how I did it.
But just like when you'refollowing what you feel is right
(30:13):
for you, then I feel likethings will flow and feel more
comfortable for everybody.
You're like that, like confidentleader.
And it sounds like foryou kind of being able
to do that.
Like you said, trust yourselfthat it was coming from
a place of figuring outwhat your values were and really
(30:33):
kind of doing that valuedriven life and kind of plan,
if you will.
And finding the confidencein that.
Yeah, to be able to standon your two feet despite kind of
all the naysayers, right.
And say, hey, you know,I'm going to I'm going to
give this a try and I'm going togive it a try because it aligns
with the things that aresuper important to me,
super valuable as far as likemy morals, my beliefs,
(30:56):
etc.. Exactly.
Yeah.
And that's actually not to likefuck the business, but that is
something that I really wantfor the parents that I
work with.
And something that we talkabout is being intentional.
Okay.
And like kind of settingyour, your values and imagining
what you want for your childin 20 years because your
(31:18):
throwing a person. Yeah.
You know, you're buildinga human.
You're not like you aremanaging day to day behavior
or something of a wild toddler,but the way in which you do
that is going to form the personthat they are in 15 years.
Yeah.
And so having that like biggerpicture in mind about like
what kind of personyou're trying to raise, working
(31:40):
backwards from that will helpinform you how you handle
those daily day to daystruggles.
Yeah.
With the kids.
And I think because ofthe community that I was in and
my education, I just reada bunch like I just became
very clear on what those were.
Yeah. Early on.
(32:00):
And so I'm curious, kind ofgoing back to bringing
these babies into the world,kind of on your own.
Did you have all of that alreadykind of formula?
I don't know, okay.
No, I mean, so so why do we dothat beginning process?
I mean, even just the factof like, giving birth and
without your parent partnerthere and then now,
like you said, kind of hereare these people that, you know,
(32:22):
humans that you're planningon growing, like you said,
you're looking at that futuregoing on, want them
to kind of be thrivingand successful and whatever
that looks like for them.
Walk me through that process.
What was going on for youin those moments of doing that
and doing that flow?
In that sense?
(32:42):
Yeah, the theme of that thing.
But it was incrediblyoverwhelming.
Yeah.
Because, you know, my, my valuesand what I wanted for them
at that point, it was reallydifficult.
Like, I really wantedto nurse them.
I didn't want to force theminto a schedule.
I felt like, okay, you know,they were also a little,
(33:04):
not super little, butlittle enough that I really
I couldn't put them ona schedule yet.
I really needed to be fedas much as they would eat.
Okay.
So, I it was incredibly hard,and I hated it.
Yeah.
I don't know about that kind of.
Yeah, that idea, like I saidearlier, like, you know, I tell
(33:27):
my moms, like, if it's goingto be an explosion after you,
like, whatever you think youmay feel like, don't count
on that.
And, and it's okay if youare really, really excited
to have this baby.
And once it becomes you're like,what did I do?
Yeah.
That's okay.
Doesn't mean you're a bad mom.
It doesn't mean you shouldn'thave done it for holding
(33:48):
both things.
Yeah, right.
You're excited to havea new baby, and you're like,
Holy crap, I just blew upmy life.
What did I do?
Yeah, and I think that's reallyimportant to say normalize,
because that happens.
Not to everybody.
Yeah, but it does happen toenough people that they think
(34:08):
that they're bad or wrongor like, oh my God, I shouldn't
have been a mom.
Yeah, because I'm feelingthis way.
And that's so true.
Absolutely.
Anything that you hit right onhas it normalizing it
because that parent guiltcan be really just really toxic
(34:30):
to kind of use a buzzword.
But it's so true because likeyou said, sometimes you may
look at it and there were these,I can say, even just for my own
self, you know, that I was like,what did I do, you know,
was this a mistake?
And if I'm not enjoying this,you know, when you see
you're like, oh, havinga baby for me, you know,
(34:54):
like, yes.
And then sure that when you'refeeling anything but that,
like feeling right to be lonely.
Yeah.
To sit in that and feel like,oh, what's wrong with me
as a person?
It must be me, right?
I wanted this, yeah, I askedfor this, and here they are.
And I hate them.
I remember I, you know, oneof my babies that was
(35:15):
one of the baby showersin there, and I got so many
matching outfits and I remember,like, holding office and just
being like, oh, my, so amazing.
When they got my husbandsitting there, actually.
And I would say probablytwo weeks after I had them,
my mom was living with me.
My dad had come out to alsostay with me and help. Okay.
(35:39):
And I was super sleepdeprived. Yes.
Just like my husband, I hearlike this just explosion.
Like my life has justbeen turned upside down,
and I'm not happy about it.
Yeah, and I was just crying.
So my parents and Ilooked at them and my mom said
(36:01):
something to the effect of like,well, you know, you you couldn't
have carried themfor your whole life
kind of trying to joke around,you know, like, okay.
Like they couldn't havebeen inside forever.
They, they had to come outeventually.
I looked at her and I said,put them back.
Yes.
Like but like not joking.
(36:21):
Oh, if you can put them back,I will live with them
in my stomach forever.
Yeah, I don't care.
I just don't want to be where Iam, doing what I'm doing.
I'm miserable.
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think that's such areal again, call the real family
to people because we're talkingabout real stuff and I.
(36:42):
I totally can appreciate that.
I remember, you know, similarto my second kid, I wanted him
to cook for as long, like,everyone's like an aunt
away from, you know,like, please stay in there as
long as you can because I'mnot ready.
Yeah. I'm not.
No.
You know, I'm like, you say I,I swear I've, I've not only
(37:03):
myself, but I've heard thatfrom other folks where,
there are times whereyou're like, please just
put them, put them back.
I don't, I don't know, right.
I unsubscribe from this.
How do I get out of thisexactly.
And that and and not to saythat I didn't love them or enjoy
(37:25):
moments with them.
Yeah.
But but there was a real joy,like resentment and regret.
And grief.
Yeah.
I find that so oftenlately, like, I'm reflecting on
how much grief comeswith parenting.
Can you say more about that?
(37:45):
Because I think that's soimportant.
I'm going to start crying.
Hey, here's the reason.
Just, you know, I grievedmy wife before.
I wanted it I wanted everythingchanges and nothing's ever going
to be the same after you havethose babies.
(38:06):
And I grieved that I heavilyI was getting my master's
because I was going to bea social worker.
And after the kids came,I didn't want to work.
And I was privileged enoughto be able to do that,
but it was a constant struggleof like, wait, I picked
this, right?
I picked mom to go to workbecause I feel completely
(38:28):
worthless in this jobof staying home with these
two things that just take,take, take, take, take, take.
Yeah.
And I resented and grievedthat I didn't have this
academic and, like meaningfulsocial work or life that I
had imagined myself having, likemy husband.
(38:51):
I joked around about itbecause when we first got
together, he said, you know,I'm not going to be
a millionaire or anything,but like, I could make it work
if you didn't work well,you don't have to work
if you don't want to.
And I looked at it like itwas the start of an argument
because I was like, don't youknow me?
Like I'm applying to master'sprograms, I'm getting my
(39:11):
master's.
I'm working.
I want to work.
Yeah.
How would you say that to me?
And then it just got completelyflipped on its head when those
babies came out.
Yeah.
I was like what the hell.
This whole time I thoughtthis was what I was going to be.
So was grieving that just likeso much.
Yeah.
And at every stage it hits creepnot having babies because
(39:39):
my oldest ones went to collegethis past year and
that was like, oh my goodness.
And it was like, just tearmy heart out.
Yeah.
Absolutely incrediblegrief. Yeah.
And I really appreciate youbeing willing to to be
real with us.
That grief is absolutely apart of that.
And like you said, in so manydifferent ways, you know,
(40:00):
I've like you said, you know,changing maybe some of your,
your past.
You know, I think thatmany of us parents, we, we sit
there as kids kind of drawing inour notebooks or, you know,
kind of zoom in, you know,what's it going to be like.
And sometimes it doesn'talways pan out more often than
(40:22):
it doesn't always pan out inthose exact ways.
And that there is those feelingsof grief.
You know, I've worked with folkswho sometimes even have
the grief of like, ones that areall one, you know, one gender
that kind of comes outin kind of the grief of not
having a girl or not havinga boy or, you know, whatnot.
Or for some, you know,I've talked to, a family
(40:45):
a couple of episodes ago that,you know, where it was a grief
of then, a diagnosis that's kindof issued.
And again, it's not necessarilyfollowing what you had or as,
like you said, even thatmilestone of becoming
those empty nesters.
Like, that's a very real thingbecause like you said, now
you're setting this heartoutside of you away and hoping
(41:05):
and praying that you knowthey're prepared and
that they're doing stuff.
And gosh, that's so hard.
And, I appreciate kind of yourwillingness to normalize
with that happens.
Absolutely.
And it doesn't make you any lessof a parent.
Right?
In fact, it makes youa real hero.
(41:26):
Right?
That's very real far.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
And so I'm so curious, likewith all these things
that you've learned,was there at any moment
kind of like a moment for youwhere it was able to kind
of click, like you said,to be able to kind of hold
that space for the grief,hold the stage for the joy
as well.
(41:47):
And then having those thingsbe possible at the same time.
Joy is still working on.
Yeah.
That's, you know, if we'reever done.
Yeah.
Well, it's like never likeI figured that out.
Mastered because there's always,there's always a new kid.
(42:09):
There's always a new stage.
There's always a newpersonality.
I mean, there's justthere's so much that has come up
that I just feel like everythingis like just a reminder.
You're not in control.
You know that, right?
Yeah.
You know.
Right.
(42:30):
You have control.
Here you go.
Yeah.
You're like, this happenedjust for you.
Just a reminder. Yeah.
And I think that if anything,the moment is like, I'm not in
control.
And there's going to be.
And it's never done.
Yeah.
You know, I'm not in controlthis whole process.
(42:51):
They're going to go out and,you know, live their lives.
And I'm not in control of that.
And they're going to come to mewith things still.
And and I'm still goingto have to hold all of
these emotions and griefand love and sadness and joy.
And it's just it's nevergoing to. Yeah.
Is that scary?
(43:12):
Because I know it's nevergoing to end.
I think no, I think where I'vegotten to now is the
acceptance of those things, therealization, the acceptance
that this is this isthe journey.
Yeah.
This is the it's never thesame again.
It's just going to keepgrowing and changing.
And I just have to keep changingand growing with it.
(43:33):
Yeah.
Really the only option and itsounds like kind of going back
to something you said earlier,finding those ways
to stay present in that moment,to be able to say, you know,
it is what it is.
These are things, like you said,that are out of my control.
What are the things thatI can control?
And some of that is ourperspective.
Some of that is you'reyou're work to be able
(43:55):
to stay present and say,you know what, I, I'm
going to do my darndest to,to be able to show up, not just
physically but mentally,emotionally and kind of
be there.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's that's anincredible story, an incredible
journey.
I mean, looking back now, I knowyou've got cancer research
kind of on your, resourcesright there on your website,
(44:18):
that you offer.
But is there anything elsethat you found kind of along
the lines that would be helpfulfor any of our parents
that maybe are in a similarsituation?
Is is you have having,I think just reaching out
and trying to findyour community.
Whatever that looks like,you know, find something
(44:38):
that interests you andthen connect with people
who also interest them,parenting related or not.
Okay.
You know, for me, I thinka lot of it ended up being
attachment parenting.
But I okay.
And I met and there was aperiod of time where I was going
to a knitting store upin Marietta, and I was like once
(44:59):
a week I would sit with ladiesthat were probably like 40 years
my senior, and it was likemy favorite part of the
week. Wow.
Because I heard themtalking about their kids and
I heard them just they were twodifferent things and they were
okay. Yeah.
You know, it's like lightat the end of the tunnel.
(45:19):
Yeah.
Just like anything that justfeeds your cup.
And keeps your soul.
Yeah.
To just help you get back tothose values.
And just to keep kind oflike pulling you back to
wherever your center isso that you can either in time
be present.
And it sounds like being ableto also maybe give yourself
(45:42):
the okay to invest in yourself.
But it doesn't always haveto be.
And I can't keep taking kidstotally. Yeah.
It's so easy to lose yourself.
And I have lost myself.
Yeah, multiple times.
But you just have to work to,you know, find yourself again.
Yeah.
(46:02):
And different activities andeven, like, I, you know,
see posts on Facebook sometimes,like, you know, I'm so
introverted and, and Idefinitely have an extroverted
side to me.
So I feel for that.
That person who feels like God,it's like I need to reach out to
somebody like, I get it,but find like a group
of introverts.
(46:22):
Yeah.
Find people who enjoy movies,you know, like go to the movies
together or something.
It's you don't have to, like,talk a lot or just, like,
just find something to connectwith online.
Yeah.
And like anything,just find a way to connect with
other people.
Because that is what.
That human connection iswhat really drives your ability
(46:46):
to, like, just keep going.
Yeah.
And it's so needed.
We are not meant to survive.
Oh my gosh.
Oh well no no there would bea lot of a lot lower population
if we could just do thatknow. Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
So am I good.
Is there anything else.
(47:07):
I mix it all up pretty wellokay.
Yeah yeah that's great okay.
And then you add like on the topa little bit of feta
okay. Perfect.
I just I just about you serve itthat way we can I'm thinking
like she my mom okay.
Well this looks small for me.
So thank you so much forbeing willing to do I mix it in
(47:30):
I just it on I do like toleave it on top.
Okay.
I can do that.
I don't know, somehowthe kids always liked it.
And if you mix it in,sometimes it like melts
a little bit.
You can't see it.
It's not okay.
So we want to let them knowthat there's there's
something else in there as well.
Appreciate that.
Well, thank you so much for one,being willing to share
(47:51):
this recipe with us.
And our listeners,and also being willing to,
to share part of your storyand really helping with
that cause the format that hurtand normalizing, like you
said, can all of thesedifficulties that come up
with parenting thatwe don't talk about enough?
In my opinion?
(48:12):
And it's it's really doing usa disservice 100%.
Yes. Yeah.
So thank you so much for beingwilling to do this today.
So thank you for having me.
Yes.
Thank you all so muchfor listening.
We'll see you next time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
(48:33):
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
So thanks again for joining uson today's episode of The
Real Family Eat.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
(48:55):
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!