May 3, 2024 • 43 mins
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"Murdering Malachi" is a special limited series by The Redacted Podcast, produced by Matt Bender and Pamela Bender.
In a profound exploration of the human psyche, The Redacted Podcast presents "Murdering Malachi: Episode Two – Misfit Manifesto." Join us as we delve into the complex layers of empathy, cause and effect, through the lens of Russian philosopher Fyodor Dostoevsky's contemplation of the moral gray areas of life. This episode takes an unexpected turn when Malachi, a man whose life has been a tapestry of struggle and survival, shares a raw and revealing glimpse into his own tumultuous journey.
As we peel back the layers of Malachi's experiences, we're confronted with the stark realities of addiction, the weight of self-reflection, and the power of conscience. Our host, Matt Bender, engages in a meandering conversation with Malachi, revealing wisdom and self-torment in equal measure. From the streets of LA to the quiet desperation of a life lived on the fringes, Malachi's insights challenge us to consider what truly makes us human.
Through candid discussions about the darkest corners of his past, Malachi forces us to reckon with the idea that sometimes, the greatest harm we can do is not physical but emotional, breaking spirits rather than bones. His story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, even when faced with the temptation to self-destruct.
Don't miss this episode's journey into the heart of darkness and back again, as we seek to understand the man behind the murder story and the philosophy that drives him. Tune in for a raw, unfiltered conversation that will leave you contemplating the intricacies of human existence and the redemptive power of truth.
Help Malachi Rebuild His Life (Please note: This is specifically for Malachi's fundraiser - not a donation to the podcast - the link to donate to the show is below.)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Pain and suffering are always inevitable.
For a large intelligence and adeep heart, the really great men
must, I think, have greatsadness on this earth.
That's a quote from FyodorDostoevsky.
He spent most of his lifeduring the mid-1800s in Russia
(00:22):
exploring the state of the humancondition.
Mid-1800s in Russia, exploringthe state of the human condition
.
He wrote books that are wellknown around the world, like
Crime and Punishment, the IdiotNotes from the Underground, just
to name a few.
His writings asked deepquestions of individual and
social existence as a whole.
He demonstrated a keen insightand acute awareness of the
(00:44):
struggle between faith andrationality, good and evil,
poverty and privilege.
He asked people to confront themoral gray areas of their own
decisions and to contemplate thebroader social implications.
Now you might be wondering whyare we talking about Russian
(01:04):
philosophy in a murder story?
Well, dostoevsky's writings askus to use higher level thinking
.
So, in order to understand onething, we must first understand
what caused that to begin with,and what caused that and what
caused that and so on.
Really get into the layers ofempathy, cause and effect.
(01:30):
When I first spoke with Malachi,he actually thought it would be
most interesting to tell meabout his days working as a mail
stripper.
But then he kind of casuallymentioned the murder on Skid Row
and told me that story, and Iknew that that is where we had
to start, why it's worth askingourselves what is it that makes
(01:53):
us the most human?
Is it our physical nature, ouraccomplishments, or is it maybe
our flaws?
In the last episode, thehorrific story that Malachi
recounted for us begs us toquestion.
Is humanity just totally absentin places like Skid Row?
(02:14):
Or perhaps is it so unconcealed, stripped of any embellishment,
that it's become unrecognizableand therefore terrifies the
hell out of the rest of us?
We look at their struggle andtheir pain and think, man, I'm
glad that's not my life, andthen we can simply just turn
(02:38):
away from it like a bad caraccident.
When or how do we try tounderstand why these things
happen to people?
But here we've got theopportunity to talk with someone
who's not only lived it but hassurvived it and has seemingly
gained almost an uncanny amountof wisdom in the process, wisdom
(03:03):
in the process.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Hey Matt, how are you ?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I'm good man.
I'm glad we finally got achance to talk.
I know we've had some thingsgoing on and you've had some
things going on, but I'm glad wegot to connect.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, life is up and down, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
It sure is, man, how you been up and down, isn't it?
It sure is man, how you been.
The first time I set up arecorded interview with Malachi,
hoping to get that Skid Rowstory, he was kind of coming off
a rough week and almost didn'ttake my call.
However he did.
Only he really wasn't in themood to discuss the murder story
.
Instead, what happened was kindof a meandering conversation
(03:46):
that I began to realize waspeeling back, layer after layer,
of a person whose mind had alot to offer, a person who's
endured a lifetime of struggleand has brought with him,
through it all, wisdom,reflection and, unfortunately,
self-torment.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
From the Redacted Podcast I'm Matt Bender and this
is Murdering Malachi, episode 2, misfit Manifesto uh, just
(04:36):
exiting um, a very, veryunexpected or kind of not
unexpected, because theunexpected is expected in my
life.
It's very, very bad down didn'tsee that one coming, at least
not to the degree that it went,and I'm just like really honored
today.
So I'm still processing, stillin me, while I survived, still
in me what the hell I wasthinking still in me, damn, we
(04:58):
don't listen again, kind of youknow, like just everything I
mean, I don't know what you hadgoing on exactly, but Typical
self-destructive behavior.
I just want good things.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I am one dark-ass, broken mother effer, but from
that darkness comes the lightright, because we appreciate it
the most.
Yeah, I feel you there and it'syou know.
Stress and problems and thingslike that are.
I feel like they're only as bigas the biggest thing you've
(05:31):
ever faced, Like a monster isonly as scary as the scariest
monster you've ever faced, andthe scarier the monsters you've
fought in life, the bigger oneit takes to scare you, to break
you, the bigger one it takes toscare you, to break you.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I get that concept and that's a positive concept.
It's just for me being so faralong the journey.
Here's the thing.
That concept is good, but itreminds me of one I hate, I hate
, I hate, I hate, I hate.
If it doesn't kill you, itmakes you stronger.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Okay, why do you hate that one?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Tell that to everyone in the homeless shelters, in
the rehabs, in the psych wards,in the jail cells, who will
never make it back from thatthing that broke them.
Sometimes that biggest monstertakes so much out of you, the
little one now terrifies you.
I get the idea of the biggestmonster, you know nothing, and
(06:35):
I'm not mad at that one becauseit's a good mindset to go in,
thinking well, I've conqueredthat one, I can conquer this one
For me.
I think of what was left afterthe biggest monster.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Like the trauma, the PTSD.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
The damage anything.
I mean fight fan here Somefighters.
They'd never come back fromthat one fight.
They may have won it, but theywere never the same again.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
No, that's a good way to put it.
Maybe it's like your problemsare only as big as your biggest
problem.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Same thing, different world.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Like if I think when I was in Afghanistan, the
problems we have sometimes hereseem small, especially with the
younger generation.
When you go over to third worldcountry or a very impoverished
area, they're just worried aboutyou know, food and clean water,
a nice place to live, that youknow your best friend.
(07:34):
Not talking to you wouldn't beas traumatic.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And hearing you say that, the phrase that popped in
my head like I'm hearing you,and the thought that I got was
are you looking at problems andwanting to see them smaller or
wanting to see them bigger?
That really will solve a lot ofissues.
(07:57):
You bring up another thing.
I'm sorry, I hate a lot ofthings.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
No go for it.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
But it's because I'm a damage surveyor.
It's just me.
Naturally, I look at shit andI'm like what damage is that
doing today?
Just me.
This is what my mind thinks.
I have no idea where I was justgoing.
The damage I'm recovering Todayis the perfect timing.
(08:23):
Good catch I get it I am thedamage.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
You got it.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
God, what was that?
I just completely blanked out.
That's going to happen today.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
I gave Malachi a minute to collect himself and he
told me that his rough weekpretty much took him out of
communication with anyone for afew days.
I didn't really press him toshare what happened, but you can
kind of assume that theself-destructive behavior that
he mentioned resulted in regretand a day of just trying to put
the broken pieces back togetherenough to function.
(08:58):
We've all been there in our ownway, but I think only a small
portion of us actually reflecton the mistakes to such a level
that it makes us feel likemerely continuing to exist is,
in and of itself, both ourpunishment for messing up as
well as our motivation to keepgoing.
(09:19):
As Dostoevsky puts it, themystery of human existence lies
just not in staying alive, butin finding something to live for
.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
You're fucking a failure, Like that's just sad.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
You're good at some things, not good at others.
It depends what you'remeasuring success and failure by
.
I'm a failure, I mean you don'tknow.
It depends on your measurementtool.
I think people jump to money asa measuring stick so quickly
and I think that's one of theworst.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
I mean in the sense of am I even technically take
care of myself right now?
Technically, no, I don't knowthat I ever really truly have
for long periods of time beingself-sufficient to me and having
enough for, say, an emergencyfor yourself or someone else.
(10:21):
As far as money success that'sfine, just being able to pay
your own damn way and whateverthat means for you means for you
.
So money isn't necessarily ameasuring of success to me.
So I grew up half the time in ablack ghetto, another half the
(10:41):
time with rich whitemillionaires.
So when was that Philadelphia?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Philadelphia.
Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
So yeah, I was.
That was never a parameter forme.
Accomplishing things in life,maintaining a certain stability,
something where you can hangyour hat on and say, hey, you
know what?
I did this, I achieved this, Imaintained this.
It was a positive thing, anysemblance of just being able to
(11:16):
care for yourself and, in mymind, give back.
I don't know if I've alwaysthought that way.
I know I was raised that wayand maybe I finally thought up.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Don't let us forget that the causes of human actions
are usually immeasurably morecomplex and varied than our
subsequent explanations of them.
That's another quote byDostoevsky.
The very first time I spokewith Malachi, it was just to
kind of connect and see what thestory and the show was going to
be about.
The conversation wasn'trecorded, unfortunately, but
(11:52):
while we were speaking we gotinterrupted by this woman who
came to Malachi's car windowasking him for money.
He seemed to know her and Icould overhear him asking her if
she had any drugs.
And I could overhear him askingher if she had any drugs.
She said no and then he toldher okay, I was just testing you
.
And then he gave her some money.
(12:14):
I found this really interesting, because not only did he not
know for sure what she neededthe money for Malachi himself
doesn't really have a lot tooffer as far as money Yet he
didn't even hesitate to givewhat he could to do what he
(12:35):
could for that woman.
So during this conversation Ireminded him about that event
and I just kind of asked him whyhe did what he did.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
That's a conscious choice on my part that for
whatever reason I'm not sure why, but I will give her a few
dollars and whatever she uses itfor, she uses it for.
She might think I'm a sucker, Idon't know.
I just have to go on faith onthat one.
For whatever reason, I've beentouched to give her a couple
dollars.
(13:05):
You know, see, or buy her, youknow, a soda or something you
know I have.
No, I have no delusions of I'msaving her or saving the world
or making much of a differenceof anything.
I, you know, I might be beingstupid, I may, I may be having
no effect on her whatsoever thanjust being another, another boy
to her, but this is one ofthose ones where I just do.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
It touched me.
I mean just listening to it.
It was just kind of strange inthe middle of our conversation I
just get a kind of I don't knoweavesdrop in on this and I know
a lot of people probably wouldhave just shoot her away.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I will feed, not everybody, not often, but again,
when it touches me, I will feed.
I've grown into theunderstanding of food being a
right.
I think everyone, especially inthe world, their force of
living that's overpopulated asit is and resources or just're
forced to live in it'soverpopulated as it is and
(14:06):
resources are, you know justthis existence we live in.
I think everyone should have afree meal every day.
Now does that mean you getsteak and I get steak?
No, it means I get the basiclittle food, hash or whatever.
And if you want something extra, you go, then you go work.
Want something extra?
(14:29):
You go, then you go work.
But basic survival food, a meal.
Everyone has a right to eatbecause we've taken that right
away.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, I agree with you completely, and I mean we
produce plenty of food to feedeverybody.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Just go to a McDonald's dumpster.
Every day, plenty of food tofeed everybody.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Just go to a McDonald's dumpster every day
yeah, that always breaks myheart a little, that.
And grocery stores you know allthe stuff they throw out Just
seems like such a waste.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
I was raised by a woman who lived that Like I
would come home and the blackgirl where I was was chased home
every day.
And I'd walk up to my, my house, and there's two kids sitting
at the table eating.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say itthis way.
This is how my mind thought it.
I'm sure it came out my mouth awhole lot different.
(15:16):
But yo, that's how these twokids don't hear.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
This mother effer, is chasing me home.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Now, I didn't say it like that to her, but that was
the feeling.
However, I actually said it.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
This was your mom.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
My foster mom.
A little old black woman, alittle old black woman,
originally one of those bigmamas, except she was five feet
tall, so she wasn't physicallybig, but she was the big mama
stereotype.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Big mama personality right.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
No, no, big mama in the sense.
Well, that's one of thestereotypes, right?
Big mama sometimes is seen asthis gregarious big person.
But Big Mama is also referredto as the glue, as the
cornerstone, as the old sage.
Okay, as when she's gone, thefamily disappears.
(16:12):
It happened to ours, ithappened to hers.
Once she died, the whole family, just whoop, it was over.
So she just looked at me likeyou got to learn to forgive.
And I'm like like, again, thisis my translation.
What's the talk about forgive?
She says they're just hungry,they're hurting, they got nobody
(16:34):
to love them.
Just try to forgive them andlet me have a sandwich.
At the time I'm like, what thefuck is you?
Years later, it's like oh no,you get it right.
No, hell, yeah, now, now Iunderstand it.
I'm still not real good at theforgiving part, but I also
(16:57):
understand that most people'sdefinition.
Well, I guess I am good at theforgiving, not the forgetting.
Unfortunately, a lot of peopleget those two things mixed up.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
So which do you believe in and why do you
believe they're different?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Forgiving is taking it off of yourself.
Maybe.
Forgiving means I don't kickyour ass.
That's it.
That's all it means.
It does not mean I let you comeback in my house.
It does not mean I stay marriedto you If I cheat on you, if
you cheat on me.
It does not.
It does not mean I give you theopportunity to do the same damn
thing you did the first time.
(17:39):
That's where people get it nextup.
So that's the forget part.
That's the forget part.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
You don't, you don't necessarily buy in with the
forget part.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Why I am an absolute scientist.
Hear me out.
I am a scientist when it comesto hurting me.
Why would I let an amateur?
Speaker 1 (18:05):
do it.
That's a good way to put that.
You're a pro, is what you'resaying.
You can fuck yourself up morethan anyone else could.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
In ways that would make Satan go damn.
I got to write that one down.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, I'm good, that was good, at least you got humor
about it.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
It you gotta laugh at some shit like that damn, that
was perfect timing.
Shit, god damn, that wasperfect timing so you're like a.
A self-sabotager is what you'resaying I bit a hole into my
mouth.
Fuck that hurt, Holy shit thathurt.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Did you really just bite yourself?
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yes, no, but see, my teeth are bad.
They're claws now, they're fromgrinding.
I've got fangs, so when I bitmy mouth, I fucking bit my mouth
.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Oh shit, you need a minute Plus.
I fucking bit my mouth.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Oh shit, you need a minute Plus.
I'm real sensitive today, youknow, normally I could take some
shit, but today I'm, you know,I'm coming back and I'm like I'm
feeling everything.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Another quote by Dostoevsky is Above all, don't
lie to yourself.
The man who lies to himself andlistens to his own lie comes to
a point that he cannotdistinguish between the truth
within him, around him, and soloses all respect for himself
and for others, and, having norespect, he ceases to love.
(19:38):
Malachi is someone who doesn'tseem to lie to himself, not
anymore at least.
He seems to feel and understandhis own self-inflicted wounds
better than probably anyone elseI've ever met, and I think
(19:58):
that's what keeps him movingforward, even if there are a few
steps backwards from time totime.
However, as we kind of startedinto the topic of addiction and
he went on to explain the typeof addict he has been.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
It was during this conversation that I believe
another new notch on the wisdombelt was achieved for Malachi.
I hadn't become that type ofdarkness ever.
I mean, yeah, I stole somemoney.
Okay, but that's more ofaddiction than darkness.
You know what addict hasn'tstolen some money?
You know I kind of, if youhaven't stolen some money,
you're not really an addict.
You're not an addict if youhaven't crossed the line on some
level.
But there's a differencebetween doing wrong and being
(20:36):
wrong.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I've heard addiction defined really accurately about
like it's not how much you'reconsuming, it's not you know how
many drinks, how many times youneed to use crack, how many
times you're you're shooting up.
It's not so much that, it'smore of like what are you
willing to give up, what are youwilling to do?
(20:59):
And that's seems to be the moreaccurate definition of
addiction.
It's like, okay, how manylevels down am I and what will I
do?
What will I give up?
Who will I hurt?
Speaker 2 (21:15):
And that's true.
How much control does it haveover you Like?
For me, we can imagine.
On some levels I did somethings to degrade myself and for
to feed the addiction, but toalso feed my mental illness.
As far as hurting other peoplelike I stole um, and and and I,
(21:36):
I fell really far, but mybiggest thing was just lying.
What was a good fucking liar?
This is how good a liar I was,and I hate if I hate, take pride
in this, but it's the truth.
It was one o'clock in theafternoon.
I'd been getting high for threedays straight.
Walked up to a bus stop, I gavemy spiel to some white woman,
(21:57):
late 30s, waiting for the bus.
Gave my little spiel.
Mind you, I've been gettinghigh for like two, three days
now.
Okay, I mean up the whole time.
So only know, imagine what Icould look like.
Gave my spiel to this woman andhe gave me like 20, 40 bucks
right At the end of her, givingme the money.
She said she thanked me.
(22:18):
She said, look, I've beenwanting to help people but I
never trust them.
I never.
I'd be scared to.
But I can tell that you'retrustworthy and I can tell that
this is going to a good thingbecause I'm a drug counselor oh
geez.
(22:38):
On my way to work as a drugcounselor, oh geez.
And it feels good to be able togive someone this money that's
actually going to help them getwherever they got to go, or
whatever story I told her, andnot have to worry about it being
used for drugs.
That's how fucking good a liarI was.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Fuck man.
How'd that feel?
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Listen.
It felt like dirt then, but itfelt even worse when she saw me
a few days later doing the samething.
In her heart it was droppingfor her soul, oh fuck.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
That was when.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I felt.
I don't know if it was a fewdays later or a couple weeks
later, whenever it was she sawme doing the same thing and I
could literally see her soul die.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Like feel like you turned someone off from being a
helper.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
That hurt?
Yeah, that hurt.
I mean I still feel that Like Ifelt like I just took the
biggest butcher knife you canimagine, put some salt and some
alcohol on the tip and thenstabbed her in the heart with it
.
She was a drug counselor, soshe thought she knew better.
She was a drug counselor, putsome salt and some alcohol on
the tip and then stabbed her inthe heart with it.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
And she, she was a drug counselor, so she thought
she knew yeah, yeah, that'sfucked up, man, yeah, it's like
small and subtle, but at thesame time, when you really think
about it, that's, that's a,that's a dig.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
You know what.
You're giving me a realizationthat I think I've probably
avoided.
I don't think I need any morereasons to hate myself.
You're talking about a grade Apremier self-hater.
It's astounding the dualexistence I live in.
But you've given me somethingthat I really need to look at is
(24:26):
that I used to have thishierarchy of badness and I
always placed myself, eventhough I hate myself, I sort of
placed myself as I wasn't as badas them.
I wasn't as bad as thecrackhead who stabbed someone in
the head with a pencil withoutyou know a saw.
I wasn't as bad as thecrackhead who I had to
physically stop from muggingsome young 20-year-old girl.
I wasn't the crackhead who Isaw, like breaking someone's car
(24:50):
and rummaging around andcausing all this damage hoping
to find $5.
That is hierarchy where Iwasn't that kind of demonic
person.
But you just I don't know if itreminded me or helped me a lot
that I was actually worsebecause I didn't break property.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
I broke gold.
I mean just thinking about ittoo.
Would you have rather justrobbed her?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
that's now you come into.
Now we're going into a deeperquestion now.
Now you make me think aboutthis.
Let me see if I can formulateand verbalize this question the
right way.
Okay, would you have ratherdone more damage, or would you
have rather been a worse person?
(25:32):
That's a deep one, isn't that?
Yeah, that's kind of basicallywhat you just asked, which is
one hell of a deep, fucking.
Sorry for cursing.
That's a deep question.
Damn, that one got me.
Would you have rather done moredamage or been a worse person?
like if you robbed her and thenthat's what she expected, like
(25:54):
that's what was yeah, yeah,that's exactly what I was
thinking, that when you put thewords on my mind, if you're
robbed, or she expected to, acrackhead was being a crackhead.
But you know, he just shatteredmy whole faith in fucking
freaking humanity.
Boy, that's kind of like apresidential election One's
(26:15):
doing more damage and one's theworst person.
Hold on, let me pull over intothe street.
The sun just moved.
I gotcha, where is?
Speaker 1 (26:25):
it.
Let me pull over into the shade.
The sun just moved.
I gotcha.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Where is it?
Let me get behind it whereverit is.
Oh, where it is, I don't knowwhere the sun is.
I know it's in the skysomewhere, just I'm missing it.
Where the fuck is it?
Oh Lord, here it is.
Hold on.
Sorry, I'm trying not to hitnothing.
Oh shit you okay, yeah.
(26:48):
I'm good.
It's just a very tight place tostart going around in and I
have a suburban heater.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
That question would I rather do more damage or be a
worse person?
I think Malachi originallybelieved that because he didn't
mug the woman or do any physicalharm to her, that made his
actions harmless compared toothers who go around breaking
into property or attackingpeople for money.
(27:20):
But realizing that it becameher soul that was broken, her
faith in humanity that wasshattered, seemed to hit harder
than if he just mugged her.
Living with that has to betough.
Another Dostoevsky quote foryou the man who has a conscience
(27:41):
suffers whilst acknowledginghis sin.
Who has a conscience sufferswhilst acknowledging his sin.
That is his punishment.
However, isn't it our consciencethat helps us learn
self-reflection and strive to dobetter?
How many people walk aroundevery day without one?
(28:03):
Do we even notice if we're notcausing physical damage to the
world like in an obviouscriminal manner, or should we
look a little closer?
So I think that's the bigdifference in you is yeah,
you've done some fucked upthings, but you own it and
you're extremely reflectiveabout it.
(28:24):
You beat yourself up and that'sadmirable.
I mean, god, if you could getpeople to just admit they're
wrong.
It's like one of the hardestthings to do is to get someone
to say, yeah, I'm fucked up or Imessed up it's painful because
(28:50):
we also live in a world where,because of the internet, image
is identity.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
It feeds the evil that wokeism has become, and
this is what I mean by this mydefinition of wokeism not what
it started out to be, because itwas a good idea, but what it's
transformed into is I'm a goodperson and I don't care who I
have to destroy to prove it.
We're living in a society ruledby the ultimate goal is to be
(29:23):
perceived as good.
I despise it because it's themost insidious, dangerous mass
manipulation this world has.
Let's go back to make it veryclear so people understand
what's going on.
If I tell you you're a goodperson for hating Jews, you're a
(29:47):
good person because you loveyour country, you love your
society, you love your childrenand you want the best for your
family, and the best is to getrid of those demonic Jews who
are destroying everything.
And that makes you a goodperson.
Yeah, guess what that happenedin real life.
(30:09):
And what was it?
That was World War II.
What was it?
Speaker 1 (30:13):
That was Nazi Germany .
Speaker 2 (30:15):
And that's exactly what happened, and that's
exactly what's happening now.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Well, and that's people, that's other people
telling you who the bad guy is,and that's not you thinking for
yourself.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
If you support that, you're good.
If I tell you pornography ingrade school is a good thing,
and if you support that because,for whatever twisted reason
that they've decided that's goodand if you don't support it,
you're a homophobe, it'sactually happening.
(30:53):
I follow a group called GaysAgainst Groomers.
I think it's the greatest groupever, because they've gotten
out there and they said fuck you.
Pedophilia has nothing to dowith being gay.
Stop using us.
Stop using us and they fightand they fight against it and
it's just to.
To me, it's absolutely likeunreal, as I've watched these
(31:13):
people defend this shit and I'mlike how are you defending books
in fifth grade libraries thatsay I sucked his dick and he put
it in my ass and it felt good?
How are you defending this?
Yeah, because someone told youif you defend it, you're a good
person and if you don't, you'rebad it's not thinking for
(31:33):
yourself, it's being told whothe bad guy is the thing is, how
are they making you not thinkfor yourself?
because they've went to the onething.
They use the one tool thateverybody wants and that can
usurp everything else.
Watch this your wife left you.
(31:54):
You barely see your kids.
You're working a nine-to-fivejob that you hate and you're
barely surviving.
You can't get laid.
You're middle-aged, you'refluffy, you're balding, or
you're the housewife.
(32:15):
They're the most dangerous ones.
They could be demonic.
You're the middle-aged woman.
Let's think about this for asecond.
Let's think about why they'reso dangerous.
You're the middle-aged whitewoman who is no longer the
beauty queen, who has been toldher whole life her looks are
(32:37):
what matter and the looks aregone.
20 years being a wife, being amother, maybe being an employee,
but she has disappeared.
She doesn't exist anymore.
(32:59):
And all of a sudden, you comealong and you tell her you exist
.
If you believe this, that womanyou once were is back.
You matter.
If you believe this, you nolonger have to be invisible.
(33:19):
If you believe this, thembitches will do anything just to
not go back to being justJohn's wife, just Cindy's mother
.
They will do anything not to beinvisible anymore.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Never heard it put like that and you think that
that's what's at the heart ofthe woke movement.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
The foundation is giving people a voice, giving
people an identity.
We live in a world of invisible.
We live in a world of peopleposting the fact that they just
took a shit, just so someoneknows they exist, and now they
have a devil woman's back.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Did you hear that?
I hear something yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
So she said so.
She said it's my birthday, benice.
I'm right now just sayingthings.
She said well, stay away.
Actually, I've had a great dayand I don't want to ruin it, so
just stay away.
I haven't said a word to her.
I'm sitting here minding my owndamn business.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You heard that right?
I heard something.
I couldn't tell what she wassaying.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
I'm sitting here minding my own damn business.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
What are you out in your yard, or something.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
I'm out by the entrance.
I left the front part of thebarn because I thought she might
be down there and the demonfound me.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
She's chasing you around.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Well, they're coming in.
I didn't know they were gone.
I thought it was quiet.
He says to me it's my birthday,be nice.
And she goes.
Well, in fact, stay away, don'tsay anything.
And I'm thinking to myself allI ever want to do is stay away
from you.
You find me.
Actually, it was a perfectexample of the middle-aged, fat,
(35:04):
invisible woman who needs to beseen.
I'm sitting here minding my ownbusiness, having a conversation
with you.
They pull up.
She could have just kept moving.
She could have just ignored me,she could have just drove right
by, but she had to make sureher presence was seen.
That was the perfectdemonstration of the message.
And she is super, super float.
There is a perfect example.
(35:27):
Couldn't have wrote the scriptany better.
Well, what do you mean?
That they're invisible and theywant to be seen?
There you go.
It was a perfect example, mitch.
You could have just drove rightby.
You didn't have to say a wordto me.
Actually, I'm on the phone.
A reasonable adult would havesaid he's on the phone.
My phone is in my hand.
(35:47):
You can see that I pulled offto the side somewhere, like I'm
by the entrance.
I pulled off away from thehouse.
I thought they.
I didn't realize they had left.
I thought they were there.
So I feel like let me pull offall the way.
You can see that I've pulledaway from the house.
I'm all the way by the entrancetrying to talk on the phone in
(36:10):
a private place.
I am doing what a decent humanbeing does.
Let me not have my conversation.
You know be interfering withyour space, right?
That's what a decent humanbeing does, which almost no one
thinks of anymore.
I said let my presence notinterfere with yours.
Let me go over here.
So she could have just droveright by, but, being the woke,
(36:32):
fat, middle-aged, plain,invisible white woman that she
is, he had to make her presencefelt and she says here's the
irony, right.
She says don't ruin my day,which, by saying it, you've
actually ruined my day byputting negativity on me.
Leave me the fuck alone.
I've told her time and timeagain Just leave me alone.
(36:55):
If I don't say hello to her,she gets mad.
If you don't want me to ruinyour day, then why do you want
me to wave at you?
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Is this like your neighbor, or something?
Speaker 2 (37:06):
They own the property that I rent a small space on.
They're in the.
Is this like your neighbor orsomething?
They own the property that Irent a small space on.
Oh, okay, I gotcha.
So like they're in the bighouse and I'm in my camper off
to the side, he doesn't give afuck, he's the actual property
owner.
She's just a bitchy fucking andhe's half deaf.
So he ignored.
He told me a lot of times likeman, I'm so tired of this chick,
I wish he'd just leave thischick.
(37:27):
I wish he'd just leave.
Supposedly he's kicking her out, but she won't leave.
Supposedly, that's the story.
And he tells me he's a man offew words.
I thought he was the one Iwouldn't get along with because
I thought, well, he's thiscountry redneck, you know, owns
a bunch of guns and hunts andyou know everything.
That is the antithesis of.
I thought like he would hate me, you know.
And I thought like, because Imet her first, I knew she was a
(37:50):
little cuckoo, but I thought,well, not that big a deal.
You know, no one I haven'tdealt with before.
I didn't know how deep thatwell went.
I thought he was the one I wasgoing to worry about.
He actually is cool as hell.
I give him his rent Every nowand then he needs help lifting
something because he's now youknow, hey, can you lift this for
me so I can fix it, no problem.
And he leaves me the hell alone.
I actually get along a trilliontimes better with the old
(38:14):
Republican redneck than I do,the freaking liberal coup, and
honestly, I thought it would bethe complete opposite.
I thought he would hate me.
I guess I started believingsome of the press clippings that
I should have known better thanbelieving.
I thought being half black, youknow, and being a big city
former liberal, like he wouldlook at me like I'm still.
Being a vegan, you know.
(38:35):
I thought how was everything?
He would hate he don't give ahell.
And I've come to find out insociety that they reverse the
roles.
The ones that say they willhate you are actually the ones
who don't give a hell, do you?
The ones that say they willhate you are actually the ones
who don't give a hell.
Do you Live your life?
I don't care.
And the ones who they say wouldembrace you are the ones who
actually hate you.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
There seems to be like people who want to control
you and then people who want tobe left alone, like and the
headlines have convinced you.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
It's the complete opposite.
They've convinced you the oneswho, when we're left alone, hate
you, and they've convinced youthat the ones who want to
control you are the ones whoactually like you.
And it's so amazing to watchthis society be controlled by
this mass lie.
(39:26):
That is the complete opposite.
I was a diehard liberal foryears.
Die, I mean, I'm half white,half black.
Raised by two gay men in theblack ghetto, you better believe
a Democrat flowed through myfucking blood In the last few
years.
I woke up and a lot of peoplewaking up like wait a minute,
(39:47):
there's a reason.
This ghetto hasn't changed for50 years.
I go back to the place I grewup in.
It's not just the same, it'sworse.
Something's wrong here.
They've told you it's the otherguys and there's actually
watching this mass wake up.
I'm watching this mass wake up.
Where they're going.
The mass wake up now is saying,well, we're not just going to
(40:07):
automatically join the otherside, but we're definitely not
just going to continue being onyour side, just to be on your
side, like we're weighing ouroptions.
Now there was more blacksupport for the Republicans, and
I'm not saying that'snecessarily a good thing.
(40:27):
What I'm saying, what I suggest, is what a lot of them saying
is y'all got to earn this for achange, and it's not just going
to be given to you.
Put it this way, there's lesssupport for the Democrats in the
Black community than there hasever been in the history of
America.
What have you done for us?
I'm not saying Republicans,necessarily, are going to do a
lot, but they're more like do doyou?
(40:50):
We don't give a fuck.
That's the case.
Fine, at least you're nottrying to discourage me.
But here's the problem.
Republicans are shit when itcomes to helping.
So that's why I'm like I can'tgo full blown Republican,
because if you have a problem oryou're suffering in life,
you're on your own, andsometimes you need your
government to help.
Sometimes you need your city tohelp, sometimes you need your
city to help, and there's shitin that.
There's shit in giving ahelping hand.
(41:10):
They don't give a fuck aboutyou.
So that has its own faults.
That's why I can't gofull-blown Republican.
Here's where the danger comesin, with the Democrats and with
those altruists and with thosewolves you ready.
They need you to stay poor sothat they can continue to have a
purpose and a platform.
They aren't actually helpingyou raise up.
(41:32):
They're helping you to continuealong the same path.
They're just looking likethey're helping you.
I'm giving you just enough toease your hunger for today, but
not enough to ease your hungerfor tomorrow.
So I know you have to keepcoming back to me and I can keep
celebrating myself for helpingyou.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
In a lot of ways, malachi's stories teach us about
not giving people what we thinkthey need, but what they
actually need.
Sometimes maybe that's just afew bucks for a soda or a
sandwich made with love, or foryou to stay the hell away from
them on their birthday.
On the next episode, we traveltwo hours into the nether
(42:23):
reaches of South Florida tovisit Malachi at his home if
that's what you'd call it and Ifinally get a chance to meet the
man I've been talking to allthis time face to face.
It's definitely not what Iexpected.
Also, we find out hishorrifying origin story and have
the best cup of Cuban coffee inSouth Florida, and we get one
(42:45):
step closer to finally figuringout who murdered him.
You won't want to miss it.
Ps.
Apologies to my wife Pamela formispronouncing Dostoevsky.
I've been pronouncing it wrongfor years.
Old habits die hard.
It's actually Da-stoyevsky.
She looked it up on Google, Ididn't.
(43:07):
She's smarter, I'm not.
Sorry, babe, dostoevsky.
The Redacted Podcast isproduced by myself, matt Bender,
and my wife, pamela Bender.
Make sure to go out there andgive us a like, a share, share
it with your friends, rate us.
(43:31):
Every little bit helps.
Thanks for tuning in.
Pain and suffering are always inevitable.
For a large intelligence and adeep heart, the really great men
must, I think, have greatsadness on this earth.
That's a quote from FyodorDostoevsky.
He spent most of his lifeduring the mid-1800s in Russia
(00:22):
exploring the state of the humancondition.
Mid-1800s in Russia, exploringthe state of the human condition
.
He wrote books that are wellknown around the world, like
Crime and Punishment, the IdiotNotes from the Underground, just
to name a few.
His writings asked deepquestions of individual and
social existence as a whole.
He demonstrated a keen insightand acute awareness of the
(00:44):
struggle between faith andrationality, good and evil,
poverty and privilege.
He asked people to confront themoral gray areas of their own
decisions and to contemplate thebroader social implications.
Now you might be wondering whyare we talking about Russian
(01:04):
philosophy in a murder story?
Well, dostoevsky's writings askus to use higher level thinking
.
So, in order to understand onething, we must first understand
what caused that to begin with,and what caused that and what
caused that and so on.
Really get into the layers ofempathy, cause and effect.
(01:30):
When I first spoke with Malachi,he actually thought it would be
most interesting to tell meabout his days working as a mail
stripper.
But then he kind of casuallymentioned the murder on Skid Row
and told me that story, and Iknew that that is where we had
to start, why it's worth askingourselves what is it that makes
(01:53):
us the most human?
Is it our physical nature, ouraccomplishments, or is it maybe
our flaws?
In the last episode, thehorrific story that Malachi
recounted for us begs us toquestion.
Is humanity just totally absentin places like Skid Row?
(02:14):
Or perhaps is it so unconcealed, stripped of any embellishment,
that it's become unrecognizableand therefore terrifies the
hell out of the rest of us?
We look at their struggle andtheir pain and think, man, I'm
glad that's not my life, andthen we can simply just turn
(02:38):
away from it like a bad caraccident.
When or how do we try tounderstand why these things
happen to people?
But here we've got theopportunity to talk with someone
who's not only lived it but hassurvived it and has seemingly
gained almost an uncanny amountof wisdom in the process, wisdom
(03:03):
in the process.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Hey Matt, how are you ?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I'm good man.
I'm glad we finally got achance to talk.
I know we've had some thingsgoing on and you've had some
things going on, but I'm glad wegot to connect.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
Yeah, life is up and down, isn't it?
Speaker 1 (03:21):
It sure is, man, how you been up and down, isn't it?
It sure is man, how you been.
The first time I set up arecorded interview with Malachi,
hoping to get that Skid Rowstory, he was kind of coming off
a rough week and almost didn'ttake my call.
However he did.
Only he really wasn't in themood to discuss the murder story
.
Instead, what happened was kindof a meandering conversation
(03:46):
that I began to realize waspeeling back, layer after layer,
of a person whose mind had alot to offer, a person who's
endured a lifetime of struggleand has brought with him,
through it all, wisdom,reflection and, unfortunately,
self-torment.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
From the Redacted Podcast I'm Matt Bender and this
is Murdering Malachi, episode 2, misfit Manifesto uh, just
(04:36):
exiting um, a very, veryunexpected or kind of not
unexpected, because theunexpected is expected in my
life.
It's very, very bad down didn'tsee that one coming, at least
not to the degree that it went,and I'm just like really honored
today.
So I'm still processing, stillin me, while I survived, still
in me what the hell I wasthinking still in me, damn, we
(04:58):
don't listen again, kind of youknow, like just everything I
mean, I don't know what you hadgoing on exactly, but Typical
self-destructive behavior.
I just want good things.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I am one dark-ass, broken mother effer, but from
that darkness comes the lightright, because we appreciate it
the most.
Yeah, I feel you there and it'syou know.
Stress and problems and thingslike that are.
I feel like they're only as bigas the biggest thing you've
(05:31):
ever faced, Like a monster isonly as scary as the scariest
monster you've ever faced, andthe scarier the monsters you've
fought in life, the bigger oneit takes to scare you, to break
you, the bigger one it takes toscare you, to break you.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I get that concept and that's a positive concept.
It's just for me being so faralong the journey.
Here's the thing.
That concept is good, but itreminds me of one I hate, I hate
, I hate, I hate, I hate.
If it doesn't kill you, itmakes you stronger.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Okay, why do you hate that one?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Tell that to everyone in the homeless shelters, in
the rehabs, in the psych wards,in the jail cells, who will
never make it back from thatthing that broke them.
Sometimes that biggest monstertakes so much out of you, the
little one now terrifies you.
I get the idea of the biggestmonster, you know nothing, and
(06:35):
I'm not mad at that one becauseit's a good mindset to go in,
thinking well, I've conqueredthat one, I can conquer this one
For me.
I think of what was left afterthe biggest monster.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
Like the trauma, the PTSD.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
The damage anything.
I mean fight fan here Somefighters.
They'd never come back fromthat one fight.
They may have won it, but theywere never the same again.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
No, that's a good way to put it.
Maybe it's like your problemsare only as big as your biggest
problem.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Same thing, different world.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
Like if I think when I was in Afghanistan, the
problems we have sometimes hereseem small, especially with the
younger generation.
When you go over to third worldcountry or a very impoverished
area, they're just worried aboutyou know, food and clean water,
a nice place to live, that youknow your best friend.
(07:34):
Not talking to you wouldn't beas traumatic.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And hearing you say that, the phrase that popped in
my head like I'm hearing you,and the thought that I got was
are you looking at problems andwanting to see them smaller or
wanting to see them bigger?
That really will solve a lot ofissues.
(07:57):
You bring up another thing.
I'm sorry, I hate a lot ofthings.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
No go for it.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
But it's because I'm a damage surveyor.
It's just me.
Naturally, I look at shit andI'm like what damage is that
doing today?
Just me.
This is what my mind thinks.
I have no idea where I was justgoing.
The damage I'm recovering Todayis the perfect timing.
(08:23):
Good catch I get it I am thedamage.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
You got it.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
God, what was that?
I just completely blanked out.
That's going to happen today.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
I gave Malachi a minute to collect himself and he
told me that his rough weekpretty much took him out of
communication with anyone for afew days.
I didn't really press him toshare what happened, but you can
kind of assume that theself-destructive behavior that
he mentioned resulted in regretand a day of just trying to put
the broken pieces back togetherenough to function.
(08:58):
We've all been there in our ownway, but I think only a small
portion of us actually reflecton the mistakes to such a level
that it makes us feel likemerely continuing to exist is,
in and of itself, both ourpunishment for messing up as
well as our motivation to keepgoing.
(09:19):
As Dostoevsky puts it, themystery of human existence lies
just not in staying alive, butin finding something to live for
.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
You're fucking a failure, Like that's just sad.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
You're good at some things, not good at others.
It depends what you'remeasuring success and failure by
.
I'm a failure, I mean you don'tknow.
It depends on your measurementtool.
I think people jump to money asa measuring stick so quickly
and I think that's one of theworst.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
I mean in the sense of am I even technically take
care of myself right now?
Technically, no, I don't knowthat I ever really truly have
for long periods of time beingself-sufficient to me and having
enough for, say, an emergencyfor yourself or someone else.
(10:21):
As far as money success that'sfine, just being able to pay
your own damn way and whateverthat means for you means for you
.
So money isn't necessarily ameasuring of success to me.
So I grew up half the time in ablack ghetto, another half the
(10:41):
time with rich whitemillionaires.
So when was that Philadelphia?
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Philadelphia.
Okay, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
So yeah, I was.
That was never a parameter forme.
Accomplishing things in life,maintaining a certain stability,
something where you can hangyour hat on and say, hey, you
know what?
I did this, I achieved this, Imaintained this.
It was a positive thing, anysemblance of just being able to
(11:16):
care for yourself and, in mymind, give back.
I don't know if I've alwaysthought that way.
I know I was raised that wayand maybe I finally thought up.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Don't let us forget that the causes of human actions
are usually immeasurably morecomplex and varied than our
subsequent explanations of them.
That's another quote byDostoevsky.
The very first time I spokewith Malachi, it was just to
kind of connect and see what thestory and the show was going to
be about.
The conversation wasn'trecorded, unfortunately, but
(11:52):
while we were speaking we gotinterrupted by this woman who
came to Malachi's car windowasking him for money.
He seemed to know her and Icould overhear him asking her if
she had any drugs.
And I could overhear him askingher if she had any drugs.
She said no and then he toldher okay, I was just testing you
.
And then he gave her some money.
(12:14):
I found this really interesting, because not only did he not
know for sure what she neededthe money for Malachi himself
doesn't really have a lot tooffer as far as money Yet he
didn't even hesitate to givewhat he could to do what he
(12:35):
could for that woman.
So during this conversation Ireminded him about that event
and I just kind of asked him whyhe did what he did.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
That's a conscious choice on my part that for
whatever reason I'm not sure why, but I will give her a few
dollars and whatever she uses itfor, she uses it for.
She might think I'm a sucker, Idon't know.
I just have to go on faith onthat one.
For whatever reason, I've beentouched to give her a couple
dollars.
(13:05):
You know, see, or buy her, youknow, a soda or something you
know I have.
No, I have no delusions of I'msaving her or saving the world
or making much of a differenceof anything.
I, you know, I might be beingstupid, I may, I may be having
no effect on her whatsoever thanjust being another, another boy
to her, but this is one ofthose ones where I just do.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
It touched me.
I mean just listening to it.
It was just kind of strange inthe middle of our conversation I
just get a kind of I don't knoweavesdrop in on this and I know
a lot of people probably wouldhave just shoot her away.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
I will feed, not everybody, not often, but again,
when it touches me, I will feed.
I've grown into theunderstanding of food being a
right.
I think everyone, especially inthe world, their force of
living that's overpopulated asit is and resources or just're
forced to live in it'soverpopulated as it is and
(14:06):
resources are, you know justthis existence we live in.
I think everyone should have afree meal every day.
Now does that mean you getsteak and I get steak?
No, it means I get the basiclittle food, hash or whatever.
And if you want something extra, you go, then you go work.
Want something extra?
(14:29):
You go, then you go work.
But basic survival food, a meal.
Everyone has a right to eatbecause we've taken that right
away.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, I agree with you completely, and I mean we
produce plenty of food to feedeverybody.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Just go to a McDonald's dumpster.
Every day, plenty of food tofeed everybody.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
Just go to a McDonald's dumpster every day
yeah, that always breaks myheart a little, that.
And grocery stores you know allthe stuff they throw out Just
seems like such a waste.
Speaker 2 (14:54):
I was raised by a woman who lived that Like I
would come home and the blackgirl where I was was chased home
every day.
And I'd walk up to my, my house, and there's two kids sitting
at the table eating.
I'm pretty sure I didn't say itthis way.
This is how my mind thought it.
I'm sure it came out my mouth awhole lot different.
(15:16):
But yo, that's how these twokids don't hear.
Speaker 1 (15:22):
This mother effer, is chasing me home.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Now, I didn't say it like that to her, but that was
the feeling.
However, I actually said it.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
This was your mom.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
My foster mom.
A little old black woman, alittle old black woman,
originally one of those bigmamas, except she was five feet
tall, so she wasn't physicallybig, but she was the big mama
stereotype.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Big mama personality right.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
No, no, big mama in the sense.
Well, that's one of thestereotypes, right?
Big mama sometimes is seen asthis gregarious big person.
But Big Mama is also referredto as the glue, as the
cornerstone, as the old sage.
Okay, as when she's gone, thefamily disappears.
(16:12):
It happened to ours, ithappened to hers.
Once she died, the whole family, just whoop, it was over.
So she just looked at me likeyou got to learn to forgive.
And I'm like like, again, thisis my translation.
What's the talk about forgive?
She says they're just hungry,they're hurting, they got nobody
(16:34):
to love them.
Just try to forgive them andlet me have a sandwich.
At the time I'm like, what thefuck is you?
Years later, it's like oh no,you get it right.
No, hell, yeah, now, now Iunderstand it.
I'm still not real good at theforgiving part, but I also
(16:57):
understand that most people'sdefinition.
Well, I guess I am good at theforgiving, not the forgetting.
Unfortunately, a lot of peopleget those two things mixed up.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
So which do you believe in and why do you
believe they're different?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Forgiving is taking it off of yourself.
Maybe.
Forgiving means I don't kickyour ass.
That's it.
That's all it means.
It does not mean I let you comeback in my house.
It does not mean I stay marriedto you If I cheat on you, if
you cheat on me.
It does not.
It does not mean I give you theopportunity to do the same damn
thing you did the first time.
(17:39):
That's where people get it nextup.
So that's the forget part.
That's the forget part.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
You don't, you don't necessarily buy in with the
forget part.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Why I am an absolute scientist.
Hear me out.
I am a scientist when it comesto hurting me.
Why would I let an amateur?
Speaker 1 (18:05):
do it.
That's a good way to put that.
You're a pro, is what you'resaying.
You can fuck yourself up morethan anyone else could.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
In ways that would make Satan go damn.
I got to write that one down.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Yeah, I'm good, that was good, at least you got humor
about it.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
It you gotta laugh at some shit like that damn, that
was perfect timing.
Shit, god damn, that wasperfect timing so you're like a.
A self-sabotager is what you'resaying I bit a hole into my
mouth.
Fuck that hurt, Holy shit thathurt.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
Did you really just bite yourself?
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yes, no, but see, my teeth are bad.
They're claws now, they're fromgrinding.
I've got fangs, so when I bitmy mouth, I fucking bit my mouth
.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Oh shit, you need a minute Plus.
I fucking bit my mouth.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Oh shit, you need a minute Plus.
I'm real sensitive today, youknow, normally I could take some
shit, but today I'm, you know,I'm coming back and I'm like I'm
feeling everything.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Another quote by Dostoevsky is Above all, don't
lie to yourself.
The man who lies to himself andlistens to his own lie comes to
a point that he cannotdistinguish between the truth
within him, around him, and soloses all respect for himself
and for others, and, having norespect, he ceases to love.
(19:38):
Malachi is someone who doesn'tseem to lie to himself, not
anymore at least.
He seems to feel and understandhis own self-inflicted wounds
better than probably anyone elseI've ever met, and I think
(19:58):
that's what keeps him movingforward, even if there are a few
steps backwards from time totime.
However, as we kind of startedinto the topic of addiction and
he went on to explain the typeof addict he has been.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
It was during this conversation that I believe
another new notch on the wisdombelt was achieved for Malachi.
I hadn't become that type ofdarkness ever.
I mean, yeah, I stole somemoney.
Okay, but that's more ofaddiction than darkness.
You know what addict hasn'tstolen some money?
You know I kind of, if youhaven't stolen some money,
you're not really an addict.
You're not an addict if youhaven't crossed the line on some
level.
But there's a differencebetween doing wrong and being
(20:36):
wrong.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I've heard addiction defined really accurately about
like it's not how much you'reconsuming, it's not you know how
many drinks, how many times youneed to use crack, how many
times you're you're shooting up.
It's not so much that, it'smore of like what are you
willing to give up, what are youwilling to do?
(20:59):
And that's seems to be the moreaccurate definition of
addiction.
It's like, okay, how manylevels down am I and what will I
do?
What will I give up?
Who will I hurt?
Speaker 2 (21:15):
And that's true.
How much control does it haveover you Like?
For me, we can imagine.
On some levels I did somethings to degrade myself and for
to feed the addiction, but toalso feed my mental illness.
As far as hurting other peoplelike I stole um, and and and I,
(21:36):
I fell really far, but mybiggest thing was just lying.
What was a good fucking liar?
This is how good a liar I was,and I hate if I hate, take pride
in this, but it's the truth.
It was one o'clock in theafternoon.
I'd been getting high for threedays straight.
Walked up to a bus stop, I gavemy spiel to some white woman,
(21:57):
late 30s, waiting for the bus.
Gave my little spiel.
Mind you, I've been gettinghigh for like two, three days
now.
Okay, I mean up the whole time.
So only know, imagine what Icould look like.
Gave my spiel to this woman andhe gave me like 20, 40 bucks
right At the end of her, givingme the money.
She said she thanked me.
(22:18):
She said, look, I've beenwanting to help people but I
never trust them.
I never.
I'd be scared to.
But I can tell that you'retrustworthy and I can tell that
this is going to a good thingbecause I'm a drug counselor oh
geez.
(22:38):
On my way to work as a drugcounselor, oh geez.
And it feels good to be able togive someone this money that's
actually going to help them getwherever they got to go, or
whatever story I told her, andnot have to worry about it being
used for drugs.
That's how fucking good a liarI was.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Fuck man.
How'd that feel?
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Listen.
It felt like dirt then, but itfelt even worse when she saw me
a few days later doing the samething.
In her heart it was droppingfor her soul, oh fuck.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
That was when.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
I felt.
I don't know if it was a fewdays later or a couple weeks
later, whenever it was she sawme doing the same thing and I
could literally see her soul die.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Like feel like you turned someone off from being a
helper.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
That hurt?
Yeah, that hurt.
I mean I still feel that Like Ifelt like I just took the
biggest butcher knife you canimagine, put some salt and some
alcohol on the tip and thenstabbed her in the heart with it
.
She was a drug counselor, soshe thought she knew better.
She was a drug counselor, putsome salt and some alcohol on
the tip and then stabbed her inthe heart with it.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
And she, she was a drug counselor, so she thought
she knew yeah, yeah, that'sfucked up, man, yeah, it's like
small and subtle, but at thesame time, when you really think
about it, that's, that's a,that's a dig.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
You know what.
You're giving me a realizationthat I think I've probably
avoided.
I don't think I need any morereasons to hate myself.
You're talking about a grade Apremier self-hater.
It's astounding the dualexistence I live in.
But you've given me somethingthat I really need to look at is
(24:26):
that I used to have thishierarchy of badness and I
always placed myself, eventhough I hate myself, I sort of
placed myself as I wasn't as badas them.
I wasn't as bad as thecrackhead who stabbed someone in
the head with a pencil withoutyou know a saw.
I wasn't as bad as thecrackhead who I had to
physically stop from muggingsome young 20-year-old girl.
I wasn't the crackhead who Isaw, like breaking someone's car
(24:50):
and rummaging around andcausing all this damage hoping
to find $5.
That is hierarchy where Iwasn't that kind of demonic
person.
But you just I don't know if itreminded me or helped me a lot
that I was actually worsebecause I didn't break property.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
I broke gold.
I mean just thinking about ittoo.
Would you have rather justrobbed her?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
that's now you come into.
Now we're going into a deeperquestion now.
Now you make me think aboutthis.
Let me see if I can formulateand verbalize this question the
right way.
Okay, would you have ratherdone more damage, or would you
have rather been a worse person?
(25:32):
That's a deep one, isn't that?
Yeah, that's kind of basicallywhat you just asked, which is
one hell of a deep, fucking.
Sorry for cursing.
That's a deep question.
Damn, that one got me.
Would you have rather done moredamage or been a worse person?
like if you robbed her and thenthat's what she expected, like
(25:54):
that's what was yeah, yeah,that's exactly what I was
thinking, that when you put thewords on my mind, if you're
robbed, or she expected to, acrackhead was being a crackhead.
But you know, he just shatteredmy whole faith in fucking
freaking humanity.
Boy, that's kind of like apresidential election One's
(26:15):
doing more damage and one's theworst person.
Hold on, let me pull over intothe street.
The sun just moved.
I gotcha, where is?
Speaker 1 (26:25):
it.
Let me pull over into the shade.
The sun just moved.
I gotcha.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Where is it?
Let me get behind it whereverit is.
Oh, where it is, I don't knowwhere the sun is.
I know it's in the skysomewhere, just I'm missing it.
Where the fuck is it?
Oh Lord, here it is.
Hold on.
Sorry, I'm trying not to hitnothing.
Oh shit you okay, yeah.
(26:48):
I'm good.
It's just a very tight place tostart going around in and I
have a suburban heater.
Speaker 1 (27:00):
That question would I rather do more damage or be a
worse person?
I think Malachi originallybelieved that because he didn't
mug the woman or do any physicalharm to her, that made his
actions harmless compared toothers who go around breaking
into property or attackingpeople for money.
(27:20):
But realizing that it becameher soul that was broken, her
faith in humanity that wasshattered, seemed to hit harder
than if he just mugged her.
Living with that has to betough.
Another Dostoevsky quote foryou the man who has a conscience
(27:41):
suffers whilst acknowledginghis sin.
Who has a conscience sufferswhilst acknowledging his sin.
That is his punishment.
However, isn't it our consciencethat helps us learn
self-reflection and strive to dobetter?
How many people walk aroundevery day without one?
(28:03):
Do we even notice if we're notcausing physical damage to the
world like in an obviouscriminal manner, or should we
look a little closer?
So I think that's the bigdifference in you is yeah,
you've done some fucked upthings, but you own it and
you're extremely reflectiveabout it.
(28:24):
You beat yourself up and that'sadmirable.
I mean, god, if you could getpeople to just admit they're
wrong.
It's like one of the hardestthings to do is to get someone
to say, yeah, I'm fucked up or Imessed up it's painful because
(28:50):
we also live in a world where,because of the internet, image
is identity.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
It feeds the evil that wokeism has become, and
this is what I mean by this mydefinition of wokeism not what
it started out to be, because itwas a good idea, but what it's
transformed into is I'm a goodperson and I don't care who I
have to destroy to prove it.
We're living in a society ruledby the ultimate goal is to be
(29:23):
perceived as good.
I despise it because it's themost insidious, dangerous mass
manipulation this world has.
Let's go back to make it veryclear so people understand
what's going on.
If I tell you you're a goodperson for hating Jews, you're a
(29:47):
good person because you loveyour country, you love your
society, you love your childrenand you want the best for your
family, and the best is to getrid of those demonic Jews who
are destroying everything.
And that makes you a goodperson.
Yeah, guess what that happenedin real life.
(30:09):
And what was it?
That was World War II.
What was it?
Speaker 1 (30:13):
That was Nazi Germany .
Speaker 2 (30:15):
And that's exactly what happened, and that's
exactly what's happening now.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Well, and that's people, that's other people
telling you who the bad guy is,and that's not you thinking for
yourself.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
If you support that, you're good.
If I tell you pornography ingrade school is a good thing,
and if you support that because,for whatever twisted reason
that they've decided that's goodand if you don't support it,
you're a homophobe, it'sactually happening.
(30:53):
I follow a group called GaysAgainst Groomers.
I think it's the greatest groupever, because they've gotten
out there and they said fuck you.
Pedophilia has nothing to dowith being gay.
Stop using us.
Stop using us and they fightand they fight against it and
it's just to.
To me, it's absolutely likeunreal, as I've watched these
(31:13):
people defend this shit and I'mlike how are you defending books
in fifth grade libraries thatsay I sucked his dick and he put
it in my ass and it felt good?
How are you defending this?
Yeah, because someone told youif you defend it, you're a good
person and if you don't, you'rebad it's not thinking for
(31:33):
yourself, it's being told whothe bad guy is the thing is, how
are they making you not thinkfor yourself?
because they've went to the onething.
They use the one tool thateverybody wants and that can
usurp everything else.
Watch this your wife left you.
(31:54):
You barely see your kids.
You're working a nine-to-fivejob that you hate and you're
barely surviving.
You can't get laid.
You're middle-aged, you'refluffy, you're balding, or
you're the housewife.
(32:15):
They're the most dangerous ones.
They could be demonic.
You're the middle-aged woman.
Let's think about this for asecond.
Let's think about why they'reso dangerous.
You're the middle-aged whitewoman who is no longer the
beauty queen, who has been toldher whole life her looks are
(32:37):
what matter and the looks aregone.
20 years being a wife, being amother, maybe being an employee,
but she has disappeared.
She doesn't exist anymore.
(32:59):
And all of a sudden, you comealong and you tell her you exist
.
If you believe this, that womanyou once were is back.
You matter.
If you believe this, you nolonger have to be invisible.
(33:19):
If you believe this, thembitches will do anything just to
not go back to being justJohn's wife, just Cindy's mother
.
They will do anything not to beinvisible anymore.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Never heard it put like that and you think that
that's what's at the heart ofthe woke movement.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
The foundation is giving people a voice, giving
people an identity.
We live in a world of invisible.
We live in a world of peopleposting the fact that they just
took a shit, just so someoneknows they exist, and now they
have a devil woman's back.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Did you hear that?
I hear something yeah.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
So she said so.
She said it's my birthday, benice.
I'm right now just sayingthings.
She said well, stay away.
Actually, I've had a great dayand I don't want to ruin it, so
just stay away.
I haven't said a word to her.
I'm sitting here minding my owndamn business.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
You heard that right?
I heard something.
I couldn't tell what she wassaying.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
I'm sitting here minding my own damn business.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
What are you out in your yard, or something.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
I'm out by the entrance.
I left the front part of thebarn because I thought she might
be down there and the demonfound me.
Speaker 1 (34:38):
She's chasing you around.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Well, they're coming in.
I didn't know they were gone.
I thought it was quiet.
He says to me it's my birthday,be nice.
And she goes.
Well, in fact, stay away, don'tsay anything.
And I'm thinking to myself allI ever want to do is stay away
from you.
You find me.
Actually, it was a perfectexample of the middle-aged, fat,
(35:04):
invisible woman who needs to beseen.
I'm sitting here minding my ownbusiness, having a conversation
with you.
They pull up.
She could have just kept moving.
She could have just ignored me,she could have just drove right
by, but she had to make sureher presence was seen.
That was the perfectdemonstration of the message.
And she is super, super float.
There is a perfect example.
(35:27):
Couldn't have wrote the scriptany better.
Well, what do you mean?
That they're invisible and theywant to be seen?
There you go.
It was a perfect example, mitch.
You could have just drove rightby.
You didn't have to say a wordto me.
Actually, I'm on the phone.
A reasonable adult would havesaid he's on the phone.
My phone is in my hand.
(35:47):
You can see that I pulled offto the side somewhere, like I'm
by the entrance.
I pulled off away from thehouse.
I thought they.
I didn't realize they had left.
I thought they were there.
So I feel like let me pull offall the way.
You can see that I've pulledaway from the house.
I'm all the way by the entrancetrying to talk on the phone in
(36:10):
a private place.
I am doing what a decent humanbeing does.
Let me not have my conversation.
You know be interfering withyour space, right?
That's what a decent humanbeing does, which almost no one
thinks of anymore.
I said let my presence notinterfere with yours.
Let me go over here.
So she could have just droveright by, but, being the woke,
(36:32):
fat, middle-aged, plain,invisible white woman that she
is, he had to make her presencefelt and she says here's the
irony, right.
She says don't ruin my day,which, by saying it, you've
actually ruined my day byputting negativity on me.
Leave me the fuck alone.
I've told her time and timeagain Just leave me alone.
(36:55):
If I don't say hello to her,she gets mad.
If you don't want me to ruinyour day, then why do you want
me to wave at you?
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Is this like your neighbor, or something?
Speaker 2 (37:06):
They own the property that I rent a small space on.
They're in the.
Is this like your neighbor orsomething?
They own the property that Irent a small space on.
Oh, okay, I gotcha.
So like they're in the bighouse and I'm in my camper off
to the side, he doesn't give afuck, he's the actual property
owner.
She's just a bitchy fucking andhe's half deaf.
So he ignored.
He told me a lot of times likeman, I'm so tired of this chick,
I wish he'd just leave thischick.
(37:27):
I wish he'd just leave.
Supposedly he's kicking her out, but she won't leave.
Supposedly, that's the story.
And he tells me he's a man offew words.
I thought he was the one Iwouldn't get along with because
I thought, well, he's thiscountry redneck, you know, owns
a bunch of guns and hunts andyou know everything.
That is the antithesis of.
I thought like he would hate me, you know.
And I thought like, because Imet her first, I knew she was a
(37:50):
little cuckoo, but I thought,well, not that big a deal.
You know, no one I haven'tdealt with before.
I didn't know how deep thatwell went.
I thought he was the one I wasgoing to worry about.
He actually is cool as hell.
I give him his rent Every nowand then he needs help lifting
something because he's now youknow, hey, can you lift this for
me so I can fix it, no problem.
And he leaves me the hell alone.
I actually get along a trilliontimes better with the old
(38:14):
Republican redneck than I do,the freaking liberal coup, and
honestly, I thought it would bethe complete opposite.
I thought he would hate me.
I guess I started believingsome of the press clippings that
I should have known better thanbelieving.
I thought being half black, youknow, and being a big city
former liberal, like he wouldlook at me like I'm still.
Being a vegan, you know.
(38:35):
I thought how was everything?
He would hate he don't give ahell.
And I've come to find out insociety that they reverse the
roles.
The ones that say they willhate you are actually the ones
who don't give a hell, do you?
The ones that say they willhate you are actually the ones
who don't give a hell.
Do you Live your life?
I don't care.
And the ones who they say wouldembrace you are the ones who
actually hate you.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
There seems to be like people who want to control
you and then people who want tobe left alone, like and the
headlines have convinced you.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
It's the complete opposite.
They've convinced you the oneswho, when we're left alone, hate
you, and they've convinced youthat the ones who want to
control you are the ones whoactually like you.
And it's so amazing to watchthis society be controlled by
this mass lie.
(39:26):
That is the complete opposite.
I was a diehard liberal foryears.
Die, I mean, I'm half white,half black.
Raised by two gay men in theblack ghetto, you better believe
a Democrat flowed through myfucking blood In the last few
years.
I woke up and a lot of peoplewaking up like wait a minute,
(39:47):
there's a reason.
This ghetto hasn't changed for50 years.
I go back to the place I grewup in.
It's not just the same, it'sworse.
Something's wrong here.
They've told you it's the otherguys and there's actually
watching this mass wake up.
I'm watching this mass wake up.
Where they're going.
The mass wake up now is saying,well, we're not just going to
(40:07):
automatically join the otherside, but we're definitely not
just going to continue being onyour side, just to be on your
side, like we're weighing ouroptions.
Now there was more blacksupport for the Republicans, and
I'm not saying that'snecessarily a good thing.
(40:27):
What I'm saying, what I suggest, is what a lot of them saying
is y'all got to earn this for achange, and it's not just going
to be given to you.
Put it this way, there's lesssupport for the Democrats in the
Black community than there hasever been in the history of
America.
What have you done for us?
I'm not saying Republicans,necessarily, are going to do a
lot, but they're more like do doyou?
(40:50):
We don't give a fuck.
That's the case.
Fine, at least you're nottrying to discourage me.
But here's the problem.
Republicans are shit when itcomes to helping.
So that's why I'm like I can'tgo full blown Republican,
because if you have a problem oryou're suffering in life,
you're on your own, andsometimes you need your
government to help.
Sometimes you need your city tohelp, sometimes you need your
city to help, and there's shitin that.
There's shit in giving ahelping hand.
(41:10):
They don't give a fuck aboutyou.
So that has its own faults.
That's why I can't gofull-blown Republican.
Here's where the danger comesin, with the Democrats and with
those altruists and with thosewolves you ready.
They need you to stay poor sothat they can continue to have a
purpose and a platform.
They aren't actually helpingyou raise up.
(41:32):
They're helping you to continuealong the same path.
They're just looking likethey're helping you.
I'm giving you just enough toease your hunger for today, but
not enough to ease your hungerfor tomorrow.
So I know you have to keepcoming back to me and I can keep
celebrating myself for helpingyou.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
In a lot of ways, malachi's stories teach us about
not giving people what we thinkthey need, but what they
actually need.
Sometimes maybe that's just afew bucks for a soda or a
sandwich made with love, or foryou to stay the hell away from
them on their birthday.
On the next episode, we traveltwo hours into the nether
(42:23):
reaches of South Florida tovisit Malachi at his home if
that's what you'd call it and Ifinally get a chance to meet the
man I've been talking to allthis time face to face.
It's definitely not what Iexpected.
Also, we find out hishorrifying origin story and have
the best cup of Cuban coffee inSouth Florida, and we get one
(42:45):
step closer to finally figuringout who murdered him.
You won't want to miss it.
Ps.
Apologies to my wife Pamela formispronouncing Dostoevsky.
I've been pronouncing it wrongfor years.
Old habits die hard.
It's actually Da-stoyevsky.
She looked it up on Google, Ididn't.
(43:07):
She's smarter, I'm not.
Sorry, babe, dostoevsky.
The Redacted Podcast isproduced by myself, matt Bender,
and my wife, pamela Bender.
Make sure to go out there andgive us a like, a share, share
it with your friends, rate us.
(43:31):
Every little bit helps.
Thanks for tuning in.
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Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com