Breaking The Silence TRB #33 April Martinez

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Redeemed Backslider.
With your host, Kathy Chastain,Christian-based psychotherapist
and the Redeemed Backslider.
This podcast is dedicated tothose who are wandered but are
ready to return to thelife-changing power of grace and
the freedom found in Jesus.

SPEAKER_04 (00:22):
Hi, welcome to the Redeemed Backslider.
I'm your host, Kathy Chastain.
I'm a Christian-basedpsychotherapist and I'm a
Redeemed Backslider.
With me in the studio today isApril Martinez.
Um, she lives right here in thearea that I live in.
So it's nice to have someone instudio with me today.
So welcome to the podcast,April.

(00:43):
Thank you for having me, Kathy.
Yes.
So um we got to talk a littlebit about uh your background,
your history.
Um so I know that you wereraised in church.
Yes.
And you went here locally to uhone of the apostolic churches
here.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03):
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (01:04):
Okay.
And so um what was what was lifelike for you growing up in
church before you left church?
I loved church.

SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
What was it you loved about it?
You know, I I don't know.
I loved everything about church.
I couldn't wait.
We would go to church basicallyevery day.
Um, my stepfather was part ofthe Spanish ministry.
My grandmother taught Sundayschool for a while.
So it was just we were alwaysthere and I loved it.

SPEAKER_04 (01:36):
And so your whole family, your extended family as
well, went?

SPEAKER_01 (01:40):
My grandmother was the first to come in, and then
some well, it would be my momthat came in after, probably
when I was about six, but mygrandmother would be the one to
take me to church with her.

SPEAKER_04 (01:52):
And this was your mom's mom?
My mom's mom.
So you started going to churchbefore your mom went to church.
Yes.
Okay.
Thank God for the grandmothersout there.
Yes.
That's such a thread that runsthrough so many stories.
I hear grandmothers and Sundayschool ministry.

SPEAKER_01 (02:11):
Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (02:12):
A lot.
You know, when it's not whenparents aren't bringing them,
it's usually a grandma or Sundayschool ministry.

SPEAKER_01 (02:18):
It is.
And I've been a part of Sundayschool ministry and you see that
a lot.
I've seen parents come inbecause of their kids.
It's a blessing to watch.

SPEAKER_04 (02:27):
Oh my goodness.
It it's so important.
I think, you know, until Ibecame a therapist, I never
really understood how much uh wecould influence children.
I don't know why.
I've probably just never thoughtof it.
I always thought that childrenwere kind of under the um
confines of their parents.

(02:47):
And so, you know, but boy, uhnowadays, like my heart just
goes out to kids.
That is where a lot of my focusis because I think kids, I could
just talk on and on aboutchildren.
So likewise that's wonderful.
So are you still involved inSunday school ministry?
No, I'm at a different churchright now, so I'm not.

(03:10):
Okay.
Okay.
I know because your guys' workjust kind of started.
Um we're two years old.
Two years old.
Okay.
Well, I think you guys are doinggood, it seems.
Yes, we're seeing moving.
Yeah, right.
It really is.
Yep.
Um, okay, so so you love church,and then your mom eventually
came in.

SPEAKER_01 (03:30):
My mom and her husband came in probably when I
was about six, and they startedgetting involved.
Bible studies at the house.
Um, just they did a lot of likea giant friend group.
Uh-huh.
We always had somebody with us,um, you know, reaching out,

(03:52):
outreach, Bible studies,whatever we could do, they were
always doing.
Okay.
Till, oh, I want to say till Iwas about 13 is when kind of
some I didn't grow up knowing mybiological father.
So around that time he found usand came back into our life.

(04:14):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (04:15):
You and you have siblings?

SPEAKER_01 (04:17):
No, I'm my father's only daughter.
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (04:19):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (04:20):
So I do have siblings, but they are not
biology.

SPEAKER_04 (04:24):
Yeah.
Okay.
So your dad found you and yourmom?

SPEAKER_01 (04:27):
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (04:28):
Okay.
What was that like?

SPEAKER_01 (04:31):
Um, I was really excited because I always had
questions of what he lookedlike.
Where did I get my featuresfrom?
Yeah.
And um, so really neat.
It was really exciting.
I invited him to church and hesaw me crying and at the altar,
and it touched his heart, and hestarted kind of visiting the

(04:53):
church with us.
But my stepdad wasn't reallythrilled about the idea of
having him around so much.
I'm sure.

SPEAKER_04 (05:03):
So that was that's difficult no matter what, you
know, just yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (05:09):
Yeah, so he didn't like that.
But then one day out of theblue, my mom told me she was
keeping me home from school,told me to pack up our house,
and she wound up leaving herhusband.

SPEAKER_04 (05:24):
Your stepdad.

SPEAKER_01 (05:25):
My stepdad at the time.

SPEAKER_04 (05:26):
How long was he your stepdad before she left?

SPEAKER_01 (05:30):
What probably from six to about nine uh thirteen?
Okay.
It was around that time, yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (05:39):
That's a devastating age to lose a parent.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what happened after that?
I mean, it's always gonna bedevastating for kids, but junior
high, junior high era is reallyhard on children because they're
transitioning in so many otherareas as well.

SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
Yeah, I was in eighth grade, um, switched
schools because we moved from asmaller town into a bigger town.
So we had to move, you know, thekids.
Um, my mom stopped going tochurch.
So um, something that I hadn'tseen for a long time started to
see her begin to drink.

(06:18):
And all of a sudden she wasn'tcoming home at night.
And it was just It was just youand her?
No, I had my siblings there atthe house with me.
So it was just like a bigheartbreak because ever my whole
life as I knew it, you know,church all the time, you know,
and yeah, the one who wastelling me, you know, this is

(06:40):
how we live, this is what we do,this is what we don't do, and
all of a sudden, this is whatshe does.
Right, right.
It was it was hard.
Yeah.
Yeah.
To deal with.

SPEAKER_04 (06:53):
She left your stepdad like without notice.
Do you think he knew?
Do you you guys he came home oneday, everything's gone?

SPEAKER_01 (07:00):
Uh yeah, he came home and then it happened to be
a church night, and she had leftme after she moved, cleared out
the house.
She left my siblings and I withour next door neighbor.
And um For what reason?
I believe she was like gettingthings settled into the house.
So I loved love my pastor andhis wife.

(07:26):
But she told me if anybody comesasking questions, uh asking any
questions, you don't knowanything.
You just tell them I'm with thisfriend of mine.
And sure enough, my stepdadshowed up, knocked on the
neighbor's door, saw that uskids were there, had the pastor

(07:47):
come over, and I had to look mypastor in the face and say, I
don't know, she's with herfriend.
And which broke me because I Iwasn't raised that way.

SPEAKER_04 (08:01):
Well, children should never have to lie for
their parents.
I agree.
Yeah.
What do you think you may notknow the answer to this, but I
I'm always, you know,hindsight's always 2020.
Were you being obedient to yourmom or were you afraid of your
mom instead of telling them thetruth when they asked, even

(08:22):
though she told you what to tellthem?
Like, what do you think made youtell them what she told you
versus just telling them thetruth?

SPEAKER_01 (08:31):
I was definitely afraid of my mom.
Yeah.
And I was also afraid of goingto hell.

SPEAKER_04 (08:37):
Oh, for being disobedient.
For being disobedient.
Isn't that crazy?
It's a lie, but it'sdisobedience, right?
That confusion.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what made you afraid of yourmom?

SPEAKER_01 (08:50):
There was some physical abuse.
Now there was spankings, and I'mnot gonna, you know, I'm not
here to tell her testimony oryou know, or I can I can't speak
on her behalf.
I can only speak on what I wentthrough.
Um, there was some physicalabuse that went beyond spanking.

SPEAKER_05 (09:12):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
So, you know, when she said I'd get it, I I knew
I'd get it if I wasn't obedient.

SPEAKER_04 (09:21):
Yeah.
And I'm definitely not sayinganything wrong.
I I always wonder that, youknow, because you see the kids,
I was the fighter, you know, Iwas the kid that would be like,
go pound sand, you know, I'mgonna do what I want.
And then my sister was reallyobedient and um dutiful, you

(09:42):
know.
So I I always wonder what makesa kid lie for their parents or
not speak up, you know, in themidst of some, especially with
abuse, like what makes a kiddonot speak up?
And then there's the kids thatdo speak up, you know.
So I was just asking, like, ifyou know, looking back, because

(10:03):
sometimes I think in the momentwe all survive the best that we
know how, but as we grow and weget healing, um, I believe God
reveals more things to us sothat we can sort of put the
pieces together.

SPEAKER_01 (10:17):
He does, you know, because I have had to go back
and look at certain things.
I've had to pray.
I've been in my prayer closetand said, Lord, you know, heal
me from the things that I don'tsee.

SPEAKER_03 (10:28):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (10:28):
I am definitely one of those um helicopter moms.
Like my kids don't leave mysight, and it was always afraid.
It was a fear of somethinghappening to my kids that
happened to me.

SPEAKER_04 (10:41):
So well, because you have awareness, experiential
awareness.

SPEAKER_01 (10:45):
Right, you know, but sometimes my kids were like,
mom, like we need.
I do have a couple of kids thatare more like, hey, mom, like
you're suffocating me.
Yeah, give me some space.
And it's not easy sometimes toto accept, but I'm like, okay,
Lord, help me to understand whatI'm doing.
So I've had to get in the prayercloset and really seek that

(11:07):
because the effects of thethings that I went through, I
don't want to pass down to myfamily, to my kids and my
grandkids.

SPEAKER_04 (11:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, with the Lord'shelp, we won't.
I I think every parent out theremakes a mistake with our
children.
Oh hopefully, I I think most isnot ever intentional.
It's just, you know, survival,um brokenness, just so much

(11:39):
brokenness.
The human condition, I think,you know.
Even as we as we mature in theLord, you know, there's just
some things that take a longtime for us to get out of our
flesh and get out of just ourinstinctual nature of how we
respond to things, you know.

(12:01):
It takes takes a long time andthink the good Lord He is
patient with us.

SPEAKER_01 (12:05):
Right.
And I think too, you know,growing up it was just kind of a
lot of confusion for me becausewhat we did, you know, we taught
the Bible studies, we were atchurch all the time, choir, you
know, leaving service, or youknow, and then at home nobody

(12:29):
knew that my stepfather had beenmolesting me from the time for
three years.

SPEAKER_04 (12:35):
How old were you when it started?

SPEAKER_01 (12:37):
When he started, I was ten.
So when he started that, thatwas a huge disruption because he
had been my dad from the timethat I was about five, because
they were together about a yearbefore they married, and they

(13:00):
had my sister that I had calledhim dad, um, used his last name
in school, and then all of asudden one night I went down,
gave my dad a kiss goodnight,and he just crossed the line.
And then it became a regularthing.

(13:22):
You know, we'd come home fromchurch and he'd be at my window
watching me undress.
Outside.
Outside.
And then, you know, I did go tomy mom, or he told my mom
actually, the first time ithappened.
What did he tell her?
I touched her, is what he toldher, because he told me not to

(13:42):
tell.
But I had been molested by mymom's first husband that had
cussed, which was my brother'sdad.
So yeah, it's kind of she's wasmarried more than once.
But her first husband, I guessshe married him when I was about
six months old.
My biological father wasn't inthe picture.
Um, she had my two brothers withher husband, her first husband.

(14:07):
And um, so he had weekendvisitations with the three of
us.
You're the oldest.
I'm the oldest.

SPEAKER_04 (14:13):
Okay.
And then and then she metsomeone else.
And so how old were you whenthat molestation started?

SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
I was about four, and that went on till I was
about ten.
And I remember that because itfinally stopped when the
visitation stopped at 10 with myfirst stepfather.
Then it started right after thefirst one stopped after I had to

(14:43):
was able to not go see mybrother's dad.

SPEAKER_04 (14:48):
Do you remember as a little girl um being sexual or
sexualized?
Like because you've had thisawareness, how that played out
for you.

SPEAKER_01 (15:03):
I know that I would get in trouble for playing house
with like, but I had oldercousins that would always say,
Let's play house, but I wasalways in trouble for it, but I
was real obedient.
So if you told me to dosomething, I did it.

SPEAKER_04 (15:19):
Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 (15:20):
You know, no matter what.
I got in trouble quite a bitbefore I finally learned my
lesson.
Like you may want to questionwhat they're telling you to do
because so I want to say in thatsense, yeah, you know, play mom
and dad or right.

SPEAKER_04 (15:36):
Yeah, that because man, four years old is an early,
early age for you to be abused.

SPEAKER_01 (15:42):
Right.
And it amazes me.
I don't know how I remember someof these stuff, but I just I
remember the age because Iremember the day my
great-grandfather passed away.
They had gone to our we lived ina motel.
And your mom and no, it was shewas with uh at that time.

(16:04):
She I was with my brother's dad.
She was dating my sister's dad,her the one that was in church
with us before they got married.
So we were just there and theywent to let us know that my
great grandfather had passedaway.
And um he was molesting me andleft the family knocking at the
door as if nobody was home.

(16:27):
And then when he was done, whenwe went walking together, you
know, we lived in a really smalltown, we went walking to the
family's house to see what wasgoing on, and that's how I knew,
which was an 84.
So I was four years old.

SPEAKER_04 (16:42):
Wow.

SPEAKER_01 (16:43):
Wow.

SPEAKER_04 (16:44):
So what did your mom know about that abuse?

SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
Not the first one.
I believe from what I found outlater was that my pediatrician
had let them know or suspectedit.
Yeah.
But they would ask me if anybodyhad given me in preschool, they
taught about the uh-oh filling.
Uh-oh.
And they would ask me, hasanybody given you the uh-oh
filling?

(17:08):
And I would always deny itbecause I was afraid of him.
I had seen him be physicallyabusive with my mom and you
know, threaten to spank me, andI just didn't want any part of
that.
So I knew to to be quiet.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (17:24):
Oh wow.
That that's a very, very longtime to be abused.
Was it was it touching or was itfull penetration?
Touching.
Okay.
Yeah.
Um well, thank goodness forthat.

SPEAKER_01 (17:43):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (17:44):
So your mom had reason to to suspect I believe
so.
Yeah.
And then when you told her whenyou were 13, how did that go?

SPEAKER_01 (17:56):
Well, when my her second husband told her himself,
she wound up hitting him, threwhim out.
And then um later that eveningthe decision was put on me.
Um I was asked if I wanted herto call the cops, that they
would take dad to jail, and thatthe guys in jail would probably

(18:17):
beat him up for what he did tome.
Oh, no guilt there, right.
Or I could send him to hisbrother's house and not worry
about it.
So I chose to send him to hisbrother's house.
I I didn't want him to get hurt,you know, beat up.
So I went to stay with mygrandmother for a few days and

(18:38):
then um they wanted to work ontheir marriage.
And to work on their marriage, Ihad to be home.
So it just continued on fromthere.

SPEAKER_04 (18:50):
And I guess he never probably told your mom again.

SPEAKER_01 (18:53):
No.

SPEAKER_04 (18:54):
And you never did either.

SPEAKER_01 (18:56):
No, I on one occasion, um, I was told if he
makes me feel uncomfortable totell him, Dad, that makes me
feel uncomfortable because he'snot supposed to do it again.
And on one occasion, he waswrestling around with my
brothers and my little sister.
And um, he kind of I happened towalk out and he kind of threw me

(19:17):
in the dog pile.
But when he grabbed me, hehappened to put his hands under
my shirt and grab my breasts.
And I told him, Dad, that makesme uncomfortable.
He spanked me with the belt.
Wow.
And I remember being so hurt andangry that day that I don't ask,

(19:37):
I have no idea why, but Iremember I wrote a note and put
it on my door, and it says,Nobody's allowed in my bedroom,
except for I listed my siblingsand my mom.
Put that on my door.
And I just, I don't know.
And I did yell that I hate him.
And that evening was at church,and I remember going to church,

(20:00):
and I went to the altar thatnight and was begging God to
forgive me because I said thewords you're not supposed to
say, you don't hate anybody.
And I was just seekingrepentance for telling him that
I hated him.
Yeah.
That hurt me to say.
Right, right.
And my mom went and got me offthe altar and took me home and

(20:22):
beat me.
For saying that too.
For saying that.
And I just remember, you know,it was there was open hand,
there was fists.
Um, she mocked me, she told me,You wanna, you don't want to be
here, you want to go live withyour grandma, which was my
saving grace.
I was like, yes.

(20:43):
She told me, Go back, pack yourstuff.
I went to pack my belongings andshe stood at my door, laughed at
me.
Hit me again.
I fell on my bed and she was ontop of me, hitting me.
And then she tired out, left mein my room.
I remember at the time he tookoff to the side uh now.

(21:05):
I know he took off to the storebecause when he came back, he
walked by my bedroom door andjust tossed a candy bar on me to
I guess make up.
I don't know what it was, but Ijust remember looking at that.
And then later on that night,when she decided to ask me what
happened, I told her, Well, thisis why I said it.

(21:27):
This is you know, he touched mybreast.
She beat you up.
She decided to ask.
It was after that she asked, andthen um I went to her, or she
told me that it was okay for meto tell him, but I didn't have
to exaggerate.
And so I just stopped talking.

SPEAKER_04 (21:47):
As any child would.
Yeah, I just when you realizethere's no one gonna rescue you,
you just close down.

SPEAKER_01 (21:53):
No, and if I was to tell my grandmother, I'd never
see my grandmother again.
If I was to talk to my pastorand his wife, I would never talk
to them again.
So the people that I loved themost were held up against me.
Yeah.
So I just learned to be silentand just take what he did as

(22:15):
often as he did it.
There was just no reason in mymind to ever speak out again.
So when she left him, she triedto tell me that was the reason
she left him.
Yeah, no.
But I was all three years later,that that was a little difficult

(22:35):
for me to understand back then.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (22:39):
And my if anyone's feeling my disdain, it's not
personal towards your mom interms of that.
It's just I just hate what thedevil does to people and the you
know, hurt people, hurt people.
And I don't know, I don't knowher story, but child abuse is so

(23:01):
similar in nature, the way itplays out and the way it affects
kids, and I can't stand thegaslighting that goes with it
and the confusion on an innocentchild.
That's that's what the devildoes is he brings so much
confusion and wants to just likereally keep you stuck.
There's no way for you to turn,right?

(23:23):
You know, and the lie that ifyou were to tell your pastor or
your grandma, you wouldn't seethem again.
And children believe those kindsof things, and to some degree,
they're they are at the mercy oftheir parents.
That could be very possible.

SPEAKER_01 (23:39):
Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (23:41):
Were you allowed to go back to church?

SPEAKER_01 (23:44):
We were allowed to go to church, and that was just
still thank God for being Godbecause that's the only place I
felt good.

SPEAKER_04 (23:54):
Yeah.
I'm gonna bring your microphone.
Oh, sorry about that to you.
That's okay.
You can just pull it back.
Okay.
There you go.

SPEAKER_01 (24:01):
Yeah.
That was the only place that Ihad like that.
You know, I I like I said, Ijust loved the presence of God.
I loved being there.

SPEAKER_05 (24:12):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (24:12):
And you know, the people of the church were just,
you know, I loved everybody thataround.
I'm still like that.
I love people.
So it doesn't matter if I'm atwork or home or in the store.
My kids tease me constantly.
They're like, mom, you makefriends everywhere you go.
I just love people.
Yeah.

(24:33):
But, you know, just that waswhere I was able to just kind of
like be okay, was during achurch service.
Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (24:43):
That's good.
Um, how do you think all of thataffected you?
The abuse, like, were you afraidto sleep at night?
Were you afraid of the dark?
Were you hyper-vigilant?
Were you um, you know, overlyquiet?

(25:05):
Like, can you do you know whatyou were like as a child in
this?

SPEAKER_01 (25:08):
I believe that's when the insomnia kicked in.
I didn't sleep for years.
And when he would because Iwould hear him come in, and I
remember playing dead.
It was like if I didn't breathe,if I didn't move, and I would
like roll over on my stomach andjust like freeze until he he

(25:29):
would leave.

SPEAKER_04 (25:30):
So I would if he thought you were asleep, he
wouldn't touch you.

SPEAKER_01 (25:33):
No, he he would.

SPEAKER_04 (25:34):
Oh, he would just wait for him to be done.
Yes.
And then leave.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (25:40):
Yeah.
Just hope that, you know, itwould just be let it just go.

SPEAKER_04 (25:44):
When you went to school, were you were you happy
in terms of I'm asking, becausesome people just put that kind
of stuff in a box and they go toschool and they can be someone
else.
They can be oh, absolutely,playful, fun self.
Other kids kind of just closedown, shut down, kind of hide
away.
What were you like as a kid?

SPEAKER_01 (26:06):
I just went out and just had fun with my friends.
It was an escape.
It wasn't home.
Okay.
He wasn't around.

SPEAKER_05 (26:13):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
So I could go and have fun and, you know, be silly
and just act like nothing waswrong.

SPEAKER_04 (26:21):
So at 13, your mom moves out.
And what happened after that?
Did you see him again ever?

SPEAKER_01 (26:30):
I did see him a couple times.
I mean, he was my sister's dador is my sister's dad.
So, you know, he'd still seeher.
Do you know if your sister wasever abused by him?
No.
From what she's said, no.
You know, but um like I said, mymom stopped going to church, but
I would still go.

(26:50):
Again, that was still where Iwanted to be.
But because my biological fatherhad came in, then the rumor
started that that's why my momleft my stepdad, was because my
dad was back.
Which was no, it wasn't.
They weren't together, but mydad was around for about a year.

(27:12):
Do you have a good relationshipwith him?
I do now.
Okay.
That took a lot of years, butyeah, we're we're in a good
place now.

SPEAKER_05 (27:19):
Good.

SPEAKER_01 (27:19):
Good.
Um, he was uh an alcoholicliving on the streets, so I
didn't see him for I want to saythat he came back into my life
after 13.
He was around for about a year.
And then I found him again whenI was 23.

SPEAKER_05 (27:33):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (27:34):
And he went through like a program to get sober, and
so now he's 20, 21 years sober.
Wow, that's wonderful.
Yeah.
So now, you know, we have now wehave a great relationship and
he's good.
He he's really worked on beingthere and making things right.
Can't go back and changeanything, but yeah, take

(27:55):
accountability, which is uh soappreciated.
I bet it is.
Yeah, I bet it is.
It was new to me to havesomething like that happen.

SPEAKER_04 (28:03):
Right, right.
So um the rumors started atchurch.
At church.
Okay, tell me more.

SPEAKER_01 (28:10):
So you know, you'd get the people that, you know,
and like I said, I loved it atmy whole church.
Right.
So you got the people thathugged, oh, are you okay?
You know, is your dad livingwith you guys?
And we all know, you know, andthen like, oh, and then you have
the blunt ones that were, areyou, um, is your mom and dad

(28:30):
together?
Be all no, you know, I I theyjust weren't.
Oh, okay.
And um, that was kind ofgetting, it was wearing on me,
but again, too, I was stillunder, I can't tell what
happened.
Right.
So even though my mom had toldme she left him for touching me,

(28:53):
I still couldn't say that toanybody else.
Right.
And um, so I didn't.
So I just didn't know why sheleft, you know, other than what
she said to me.
Right.
And then that kind of died downa little bit.
And I thought, you know,everything was good.
But then um I started talking toa boy in our church that was

(29:17):
older than me.
And I wasn't supposed to betalking to him, you know, and
always a boy.

SPEAKER_04 (29:24):
Uh, right, or a girl, you know, for the boys,
it's a girl, for the girls, it'sa boy.

SPEAKER_01 (29:29):
It is this was a kid.
I was like 14, he was like 19,and he was just really nice to
me, you know, and it wassomebody that was being nice to
me in the storm of everybodyelse not being nice to me, or
almost now.
I look at it, it was almost likebeing shunned because of what
they were doing.
So now it was like kind of like,oh, can I I all of a sudden

(29:53):
couldn't go home with a friendafter church, or I couldn't, you
know, they weren't inviting meover any more.
Because our families weren'thanging out anymore.
Right.
So it was like, okay, so thatwas, but to kind of backtrack
when she started um going outand drinking and partying, um, I

(30:15):
kind of took on the parentalrole of taking care of my
siblings.
So, so nobody would know, youknow, she started dating
somebody else and was gone for acouple of nights at a time.
And, you know, I'd be home.
Leave us kids alone.
It got to the point where mysiblings' elementary school was

(30:36):
calling my middle school to askme where is your mom?
And of course, if CPS gotcalled, I was gonna be in big
trouble in my mind.
So I would have to say, call anaunt from school.
Hey, can you come take me out ofschool?
Go take this kid out of schooland take me home so I could take

(30:56):
care of them.
Oh, yeah.
So it was like everybody kind ofcovered it up as well.
So, but I was the one theretaking care of the siblings.
And if I got babysitting money,I walked down to Foods for Less
and picked up what we needed asfar as groceries, just kind of
whatever I could get to helptake care of the kids and be

(31:19):
there to protect them.
How old were they?
Um, we're all two years apart.
So if I was 14, it was 12, 10,and eight.
Wow.

SPEAKER_04 (31:29):
At least they were of age where they can take care
of themselves, just like batheand yeah, that kind of thing.
That is a lot.
That's a lot.

SPEAKER_01 (31:40):
Yeah, it was a lot to carry by myself.
As an adult, I look at that andI look at my kids and I'm like,
they're so immature.
Love them.

SPEAKER_04 (31:47):
But I know that it's true.
Like when you look at yourgrandkids and and um other kids
like four years old, that's solittle than eight years old
where they're at in school anddevelopment.
Like it's it's just so young tothink that that was you at that
age.
Right.
You know, being abused, and oh,yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (32:11):
So uh um, you know, things were just kind of getting
bad.
And there was another time whereum I had made a new friend.
There was a new family thatstarted going to our church, and
they lived fairly close to us.
And we had gone to school, andshe and I had ditched together.

(32:33):
Like I said, I was reallyobedient.
So all of a sudden, this littlebit of rebelliousness or
following is essentially what Iwas doing.
Right.
Um, we got caught because theboy that I was talking to called
in for both of us, called ourschool.
So they called the parents, andI got home that day and they

(32:54):
asked me how my mom asked, howwas school?
It was all great.
She was like, Oh, really?
And remember she followed meupstairs.
I just went upstairs, put mybackpack down, and I don't know.
I she's I had been, like I said,there was some physical abuse,
but this time she picked up aniron.

(33:15):
And never in my life I had oh myword, I ran for the first time.
I ran from my mom, terrified.
I went to this family's house,pounding on the door.
Please help me, please help me.
She's gonna beat me.
She's going to beat me, pleasehelp me.
Wow.
And they let me in and they weretrying to calm me down.

(33:37):
And sure enough, she was rightbehind me, and they let her in.
And I had a crossbody pursewhere I was running from her in
their house where she wound up,my hair was really long.
So she grabbed me by my hair,and she wound up breaking the
strap to my purse somehow andwas beating me in their house

(33:57):
with it.
And it was almost like a squareto go like around their house
from the front door, like you gothrough a kitchen.
And she dragged me around thereand I started hyperventilating,
and they told her, Hey, yougotta stop.
She's she can't catch ourbreath.
Right.
And she was like, She could passout for all I care.

(34:18):
And I just remember, like,again, nobody would ever help
me.
Yeah.
And I ran away from home afterthat.

SPEAKER_04 (34:30):
Well, probably the wrong thing to say, but thank
goodness that you did.

SPEAKER_01 (34:35):
Ran away, yeah.
They made me go back.

SPEAKER_04 (34:38):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (34:38):
But um there was Where'd you run to?
I went to home with some friendsafter school that were not
church friends.
I went to like a totallydifferent school.
Now I wasn't with any of mychurch friends that I grew up
with.
So I had a couple of friendshiding me out, but one of the
moms called my mom and went andgot me.

(34:59):
And she agreed, my mom agreed tolet me spend the night with a
church friend.
The next day at school, I justwasn't feeling good.
So I called my friend's mominstead of my mom, but they sent
my mom to get me.
And she's like, You're comingright back.
It's not gonna work.
You're gonna you're stayinghome.

SPEAKER_04 (35:19):
And um and CPS was never called by was such a
different generation.
I know that you know, peoplekind of stayed out of everyone
else's business.

SPEAKER_02 (35:30):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (35:31):
And in the church, you know, I can't speak for
everybody, but I know that myparents had such a level of
naivety when it comes to thosekinds of things.
You know, my childhood friendwas being abused by her stepdad,
and um no one knew really whatto do.

(35:54):
Like you just don't know what uhthere's so much more education
nowadays, and people are so muchmore willing to speak out, but I
think it's so very common.
But I think people just didn'tknow what to do then, right?
Which is so unfortunate becausethere's so many people that have
been victims.
So an iron, she never got youwith the iron because you ran

(36:18):
away.
Yeah.
Do you think after that, afteryou ran away and you were forced
to go back, did the abuse beginto settle?
Like was she did she becomeaware that maybe she can't do
those things as much like sheused to be able to, or did it
just stay the same until youleft?

SPEAKER_01 (36:36):
It would be okay for about a week or so, and then you
know, then she wound up movingher new boyfriend in and married
him, and he was abusive.
To you, to me, and to her and tomy siblings, but sexually or
physically abusive to to us, andI just something happened to me,

(36:59):
I think, by that time where Ilearned to fight because I don't
like to hurt people physically.

SPEAKER_04 (37:05):
It's against our nature, I think.

SPEAKER_01 (37:07):
Right, and it was never me, but I remember him
hitting my siblings, and it wasjust a full-on fight.
I was like, you're not puttingyour hands on them, yeah.
So I went on defense mode forespecially for my siblings, but
even for my mom.
I didn't want to see her gethit, you know, and having to
jump in and watching his familywatch him beat her.

(37:30):
Yeah.
So here I am between 14 and 15,having to fist fight a grown man
because he was hurting myfamily.
Yeah.
So then um, I wound up beingpulled out.
My aunt, I ran away again fromthat abuse because I was like,
he needs to leave or I'mleaving.

(37:50):
Yeah.
And she was like, I can't leavehim.
Yeah.
And talking to the boy at onepoint, I was threatened not to
talk to the boy, and it just sohappened, and that I was walking
in our neighborhood.
He lived close to ourneighborhood to the store, and
he happened to be walking backfrom the store.

(38:14):
And he saw me, and so he decidedto walk back to the store with
me.
And um, somebody saw us, calledmy mom.
So by the time I got home, um,she was like, You're talking to
him still.
And she was like, I just got aphone call.
I said, Yeah, he was walkinghome and I was walking to the

(38:34):
store.
And I think she had sent me thattime to go get something.
Because there were not cellphones then.
No, I think, yeah.
Yeah, no.
And so um I walk was walking andhe just followed me when I got
home and she didn't believe mebecause I told her I I'm not
talking with him anymore, youknow, like I'm not, I don't want

(38:56):
to be in trouble.
And he um she happened to callum the family from the church
that he lived with.
And I'll never forget it becauseshe called them and asked, Does
April still call over there?
Well, this is was the youthhangout.
Yeah.
So yeah, I would still call thehouse, but I wasn't calling to

(39:20):
talk to this young man anymore.
I stayed completely away.
I didn't want no trouble, butshe didn't believe me.
The lady of the house said,Yeah, she still calls here.
And um, so she beat me again.
And that time I went upstairsand I had just had a back
injury.
Like the week before, I think Ihad taken one tablet out of

(39:43):
there, but I drank a wholebottle of Tylenol with coatine.
And by the time my mom, mysister found me purposefully.
Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't want to liveanymore.
I was tired of, you know, I feltalone.
Nobody could ever help.
Right.
You know, it didn't matter.

SPEAKER_04 (40:03):
Yeah, everywhere you turn the door, there's no one to
rescue you.

SPEAKER_01 (40:08):
Nobody, you know, and I remember um I'm so sad
because it was my little sisterthat kind of found me.
And by the time they got me tothe hospital, they pumped my
stomach, gave me the charcoal.
Um praise God, I survived.

SPEAKER_05 (40:25):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (40:25):
But there was already some organ damage.
And um, to this day, I amcompletely allergic to all pain
meds.
Wow.
I can't take anything withTylenol coding, anything in the
family.
So any medical procedures oranything I have, it's been the
grace of God that has pulled methrough with my pain management
because I cannot take it turninto a really severe allergy.

(40:50):
Wow.
Wow.

SPEAKER_04 (40:51):
How old were you when that happened?

SPEAKER_01 (40:53):
Uh 15, 14, 15?

unknown (40:57):
Gosh.

SPEAKER_04 (40:58):
Yeah, I am just uh of the mind that when kids, you
know, attempt suicide, there'sreally good reason.
They're not just they're notjust doing it to do it.
They're so desperately hurting,you know?
Yeah.
And I feel like there's thiswhole there's there's so much
talk about kids just doing itfor attention now, you know, and

(41:23):
it's so sad to me because maybe,maybe it is for attention, but
who cares?
It's they're hurting, right, youknow, and um they're just doing
the only thing that they know todo to kind of stop the pain.

SPEAKER_02 (41:37):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (41:38):
And it's devastating.
But um was that your onlyattempt ever?

SPEAKER_01 (41:44):
I did it when I was a little older, I want to say.
Um maybe 1920.
Um I I still kind of blows mymind, and actually very few
people, I mean, other than whenI was a kid, knew about that
one, but nobody knew about thissecond attempt.
Um I tried to hang myself.

(42:07):
I hung myself, but it was reallycrazy because I felt something,
and so now I know it had to havebeen God because something like
literally it felt like somebodyjust hit the back of my knees
and I fell out.
I had a belt around my neck andI fell out of it.

(42:33):
You fell out of the belt, yeah,out of the belt, like and I had
the bruising on my neck.
It looked more like a hickey,yeah.
But um I've never because itstartled me that something
literally knocked me out of it,yeah, and there was nobody
around.
Yeah, had it been an angel.

(42:54):
I believe that.
I truly believe that.
Now looking back, I could seethat that's what happened.
That God just saved me more thanonce.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (43:06):
Do you feel like you've discovered the reason he
saved you?
Like do you feel like you'vediscovered your purpose besides
salvation, obviously, but No,you know, I mean, I I I try to
help people.

SPEAKER_01 (43:24):
I feel like I get in those situations where I try to
help everybody, but I I'm nottoo sure.
I think God's still working onme on a few things that, like I
said, I've been seeking healingfor because I just don't want
anything in the way anymore.

SPEAKER_04 (43:41):
Yeah, yeah.
April, have you shared yourtestimony much?
Have you shared those parts ofyour story much?
No, this is like my first time.
How does it feel to talk aboutit out loud?

SPEAKER_01 (43:57):
It's it's I can feel like a weight lifted, and I'm
praying because um I waspraying.
I was like, Lord, I don't knowhow much I want to share because
I'm ashamed.
I'm not proud of it.
I don't want my kids to thinklike it's a cool thing, mom
survived.

SPEAKER_04 (44:13):
April, April, April, April.
Hold on.
The devil tried to kill you.
You don't get to have shame.
And I say that with love.
Don't let him shame you for whatothers did to you.
That is his biggest, that's oneof his tricks, right?

(44:34):
Right.
I mean, it it it angers me thatwe carry shame because of of
what others harmed us with.

SPEAKER_02 (44:46):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (44:46):
It's backwards, it's so backwards.
And um you know, I know we allhave choices, and I'm such a
huge advocate for that way ofthinking, but I do understand
brokenness and um and the enemycomes to kill, steal, and

(45:11):
destroy.
And so please don't own theshame of trying to take your
life, just live.

SPEAKER_01 (45:18):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (45:19):
And and and use that against the devil and open your
mouth and speak every chance youget about what God has done in
your life and who he is, becauseif he if the Lord hasn't
revealed the purpose in all ofthis, he will.
I believe that.
I I don't believe anybody, Imean, I don't believe anyone is

(45:40):
saved for no reason.
I don't believe we're saved justso we can sit at church and
patty cake.
You know, it's obviously morethan that, but that's not what
it's about.
It's it's about reaching othersand reaching the lost.
And your testimony, I mean,suicide is so rampant.
It the numbers have skyrocketedjust since COVID.

(46:05):
Um we don't get to hear storiesoften enough of people that
survive, right?
You know, and and the healingjourney that they go through
after.
But um, yeah, I I don't want youto I know that that's part of

(46:25):
what we all go through withshame, you know, because we see
ourselves, but um I hope youdon't carry that.

SPEAKER_01 (46:36):
I think I'm starting not to, and and I think that's
why I was able to share todaybecause I wasn't sure if I would
share that.
Yeah, you know, but but um it'sit's a part of my story.

SPEAKER_04 (46:50):
Yeah, yeah.
It's yeah, and it's such a it'sI always think, you know, when I
have people show up in my officethat are suicidal, I think, what
does God have planned for you?
Because the devil is workingreally hard to take you out.
I I I think that I I sort ofthink the devil works overtime

(47:14):
to take people out that God isreally going to use to make a
big impact.

SPEAKER_01 (47:19):
I'd agree because I my husband would always ask me,
like, you know, he wasn't raisedin in church like I was, you
know, but he would always say,Well, why does God allow this
and that to happen, you know?
And I'm like, I don't think itwas God that did that.

SPEAKER_04 (47:38):
It was the devil.

SPEAKER_01 (47:39):
It was the enemy that's tried.
It's like we live in a worldthat that's what we do.
We fight.
We're gonna fight.
There's good and evil, there'sgood and bad no matter where we
are.
Yeah.
And so I do recognize that now.
Back then I didn't, especiallyas a kid.
I just didn't.

SPEAKER_04 (47:56):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (47:57):
It was just a lack of understanding, you know.

SPEAKER_04 (48:00):
And well, it's a common question, you know, like
I'm coming to church, God, I'mpraying, I'm I'm at the altar,
you know, and they go home andit's a whole different life at
home, and and it it doesn't makesense.

SPEAKER_01 (48:16):
No.

SPEAKER_04 (48:17):
It does it doesn't make sense.
Um I think I I've I think thatsometimes heaven will reveal
maybe only heaven will revealthe things that God actually did
protect us from.
Things that could have beenprobably way worse than what
they are.

(48:38):
But I also know that ourstruggle be does become our
testimony down the road to wherewe can help someone else, but
also strengthens us and itteaches us things that we may
not have learned otherwise, youknow, like just resilience and
being a fighter and seeking Godin those deepest, hardest uh

(49:02):
moments.
I I think that in my life Godhas answered every question I've
ever had.
Right.
You know, and I I think thelonger that we live, those
answers come.
We don't know, we don'tunderstand when we're kids.
Um and it breaks my heart forkids that suffer and deal with

(49:26):
things like this.
But I hope that you are gettinganswers that you never got
before.
And I know that as time goes,he'll continue to reveal them.

SPEAKER_01 (49:37):
I and I I think I am.
Like I said, I've had to learnto get into the prayer closet
because therapy was, you know,court-ordered therapy,
especially after this firstsuicide attempt.
So um it was institutionalizedum for the attempt.
And um How long were you in?
I was probably in there forabout a week and a half, two

(49:58):
weeks.

SPEAKER_04 (49:59):
Okay, 14 days.

SPEAKER_01 (50:01):
Yeah, it was somewhere in there.
And um, you know, I then, youknow, you had the people coming
out of the woodwork.
Well, there was a couple ofpeople that I knew loved me and
would do anything for me.
But of course, I never saidanything to them.
But once the suicide attempt hitthe church, you know, people
started showing up.
And you had people offering mymom, hey, can we take her?

(50:23):
Let's get her out of here.
And of course, her answer was Iwasn't gonna get rewarded for my
bad behavior.
Right.
And um, so yeah, that was justanother kind of crazy thing.
But eventually she let me gostay with an aunt that didn't
live for God, but then that'skind of when I was kind of
pushing my limits because bythat time I had started my

(50:45):
freshman year, high school,brand new friends, and um
started dating a boy and justwas started drinking, going
ditching school, getting my Ireally went rebellious, um,
chopped off all my hair, dyed itjet black, and just the people

(51:08):
of the church were just like nothappy with me.
But after the suicide attempt, Ithink that's is where I kind of
is when the truth came out aboutmy stepfather because she didn't
tell the counselor or thepsychologist at the hospital why

(51:29):
the real reason that I had beenbeaten that day.
She told them that it wasbecause of what my stepfather
had been doing to me, was thereason why I had attempted the
suicide.
So, because of that, that's whenthey went ahead and decided to
put me, because they did weretalking in front of me to put me
into the hospital.

(51:50):
And then the church caught windof everything.
So when I would still try to goto church, because my
grandmother was still living forGod.
So she would, you know, pick meup, especially after that.
She wanted me in the house ofGod, you know.
She was like, No, you you gottago.
So I would still go, but thenthat's when it got bad with a

(52:13):
specific friend group at thechurch.
Yeah, but it was quite a fewfamilies, yeah.
Where blatantly told me that Iwas lying, that I was trying to
ruin his life.
Was he still going to church?

SPEAKER_04 (52:28):
Is that why?
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (52:29):
Yeah, he was still going to church.
So um if um if that was true,why did I call him dad?
Why didn't I say anything?
Right.
I mean, it it got pretty bad andintense because I couldn't go to
a service without somebodysaying something.
Right, right.

(52:49):
And then it went into my youthgroup.
My friends weren't allowed tohang out with me anymore.

SPEAKER_04 (52:55):
I had one probably the thing you needed most was
secure connection there.

SPEAKER_01 (53:01):
Right.
But it was just kind of thethese families were turning
against me.
And I remember one of the youngguys in the church and I were
kind of, he was sorry, but hewas kind of annoying to a
15-year-old.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But he would just drive me.
So we would always bicker andno, not the crush kind.

(53:21):
He just drove me, he got on mynerves.
And he was messing with me.
And I was just like, you knowwhat?
Shut up and leave me alone.
And we were kind of arguing.
I don't even remember, but I allof a sudden he was like, you
know what, April, you're gonnabe a whore just like your
mother.
Wow.
And I remember just jawdropping, crying, and I try I

(53:43):
did try to hit him.
And a couple of the other youngmen, one threw me over his
shoulder and got me away fromhim.
And then here comes the otheryoung man's mom, grabs me by my
arms and shaking me, telling methat this is what happens when
your parents aren't in church.
This so it was again, it was Iwas carrying condemn.

SPEAKER_04 (54:03):
Yeah, condemnation.

SPEAKER_01 (54:04):
Yeah, it was, and so I carried it.
Like it was all my fault.
Like I'm a part of this.
This is and I had no controlover any of it.

SPEAKER_04 (54:13):
Right.
And so um well, and it washappening in church, yeah.
You know, you guys were going tochurch thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (54:22):
So from what I grew up in to these couple of years
was not the same building, butjust the same people, but it
wasn't the same churchenvironment that I grew up in.
It had nothing to do with theHoly Ghost or anything, it had
to do with what was going on athome, why the questions, and
then I remember going to achurch service one night.

(54:46):
One of the ladies that was fromtheir friend group wound up
marrying, he did get arrested.
Okay.
My mom wore a wire and heconfessed and he got arrested.
And um, one of the ladies wentand married him in jail.
Oh.
So she was still part of thatfriend group.

(55:06):
Yeah.
So, of course, I got anothersmart remark about me being a
liar, right?
Ruining his life.
And I walked to the churchoffice, called my aunt, and
said, I'm not coming back.
And I remember standing outsideof the gate of the church, and I
was like, I will never be amember of this church.
Ever.

SPEAKER_04 (55:25):
Yeah.
And um church hurt, I think, isone of the most devastating
types of hurt.

SPEAKER_01 (55:33):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (55:34):
Because it's a place you go to feel safe and go to
hear from the Lord.
And our expectation ofChristians, I hope people don't
place such high expectation onChristians.
I hope that with the cultureeveryone realizes that people
are just people, but right,there's still such an

(55:55):
expectation.
Oh, you call yourself aChristian, then that means
you're perfect.
You never sin, you never haveissues, right?
It's not like that.
But as kids, and I think evenadults, we go to church, we
expect those we see every weekto be at least good people,
right?

(56:15):
You know, and hopefully goodChristians.
But, you know, I we said itbefore the podcast started, but
the more and more I do thispodcast, we're getting to sort
of look behind the curtain andsee what people really live
through in life.
And good, good people, goodChristians that really, to me,

(56:39):
being a Christian is I'm gonnapursue God.
I'm going to, I'm gonna love himand read his word.
I'm gonna do my dead level bestto be like him to others.
Um, but man, I see all the timewhere I fall short, where my own
woundedness that still ishealing causes me to react in a

(57:04):
certain way, you know.
Absolutely.
And and when I see that inmyself, I'm like, where is this
coming from?
I don't, I do not want to behavethis way, but yet it's there,
you know, and and we just wehave to just keep letting God

(57:26):
work on us and search us andheal us in those places so that
we don't bleed on others.

SPEAKER_01 (57:33):
I agree.
And it's something that I've hadto pray for too because I don't
want to do that to anybody else.
You know, I'm human, I have baddays, I have days that just
didn't start off the best.
And by the end of the day, I'mfrustrated, I'm tired.
So I I know I'm not perfect, andso I try to be understanding to
everybody else around me thatjust because I love the Lord, I

(57:56):
dedicated my life back to God.
That doesn't make me perfect.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna have my moments,and so are others.
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (58:05):
Yeah.
So um, okay, so how old were youwhen you said that I'm never
coming back to this church?
16.
Okay.
And then you said um you were 34when you rededicated your life.
So where did 16 to age 34 takeyou?

SPEAKER_01 (58:28):
Um, for a while it was just any house party, any
rave drinking that I could do.

SPEAKER_04 (58:36):
When you when you look at that, what what do you
think made you turn to that?

SPEAKER_01 (58:43):
Were you just um like trying to escape the
definitely escape and I didn'twant to have feelings anymore?

SPEAKER_04 (58:52):
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (58:52):
I did not want to have feelings.

SPEAKER_04 (58:54):
You see that a lot with addiction, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (58:56):
I just there was just nothing because I love so
big, and it's just my naturethat I hurt and again Because
you care, because I care so youknow, and then when it came to
You don't want to care anymore,I did not want to care at all.
And then um, you know, and ofcourse I wasn't hanging out with

(59:18):
the best of friends, you know,brand new people.
I was completely not in the samehigh school as my church friends
that I grew up on purposebecause you know, some of them
hurt me, and then just you know,I was far away from all of them
as I could.
Yeah.
Um, so I was just being naughty,just rebellious, just trying to

(59:41):
do everything that um that I wastold I couldn't do and just do
it.

SPEAKER_04 (59:46):
Well, I mean, because on the one hand, you're
trying to not care, not havefeelings.
Rebellion is a different thing.
Do you feel like you're kind ofboth like purposefully being?
Rebellious, yeah, I want to doall the things I yeah because
you were so obedient.
Right.
It went you went clear to theopposite end of the spectrum.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:08):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (01:00:09):
Okay.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:09):
I did.
And then like the aunt that Ilived with for a while, like she
would allow me to like drinkwine coolers with her and her
sister-in-law.
So that's kind of where I wasgetting like the introduction of
it.

SPEAKER_03 (01:00:20):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:20):
And then what of course I wasn't telling my
family that I wasn't, I wasdrinking.
And then um I was startedhanging out and spending the
night out.
And then there was which I wastold because of my allergy that
like to be careful of streetdrugs because I could have an
allergic reaction to them.

(01:00:43):
And I still tried, it was crank.
I didn't even know what it was,but I did.
But that would help me drink allwithout a hangover.

SPEAKER_04 (01:00:52):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:53):
So I could just drink more and have more fun.
And I didn't care.
And I at that point, I don'teven think I cared if it would
have taken me out.

SPEAKER_04 (01:01:02):
Right.
Because that's the other piece,right?
When we don't care, we don'tcare about us.
We don't care about ourselves.
There is no value there for ourown life.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:12):
Right.
You know, and then um I wantedmy aunt and her husband started
having some issues.
So they sent me to live with mygrandmother, who still went to
church.
So when I went back tograndma's, I was going to church
with her and trying.
Same church.
Same church.
But still, you know, there wasstill some.
So then she would kind of golike to neighboring churches

(01:01:35):
with me on different services,just so that way I didn't have
to stay in there.
But it was still her church.
Sure.
So, you know, I understood now.
I understand.
And even then, I kind of did.
My grandma was my best friend inmy whole world.
I lost her in 2016.
But um so for that short amountof time I was with her.

(01:01:55):
But then child support hit mymom.
So um I had to go back home.
So she could collect the money.
So that way, yeah.
So that way she didn't have topay it.
And then it just she was stillwith that third husband, the
physically abusive guy.

(01:02:16):
So it just wasn't work.
It was still fighting with him.
It was still, you know, tryingto defend her, still trying to
nothing had changed.
Right, right.
So at one point, um, I rememberum getting into a fight with him
on calling the cops.
I had to run.
He pulled every phone cord outof the house.

(01:02:37):
And um, I ran to a neighbor's,they let me call the cops.
I did, um he was arrested.
He hit my mom, one of mybrothers, and myself.
And um, I remember like fightinghim and her yelling at me, stop,
you're hurting him.
And I remember I just soridiculous.
I was like, wait, what?

(01:02:58):
You know, he just threw mybrother over a couch and and you
after him, and you I'm hurtinghim, right?
So it just it was just a mess.
So I ran away again, and thistime I wound up in a group home
and then foster care.
Oh boy, how is that?

SPEAKER_04 (01:03:16):
That at least you're old enough to speak for yourself
at that point.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:20):
Yeah, I I refused to go home.
Um, I was like, I I'm not goingback there.
And I wanted my siblings out,but CPS would have gotten
involved at that.
They they did.
CPS did get involved at thatpoint and um put me in the group
home.
And then there was a friend ofmine whose mom wanted to be a
foster parent who um she woundup getting her license to get

(01:03:42):
me.
Oh, good, good.
And um, but that was uh anotherone.
She wound up losing her license.
She was kind of being a littleum deceptive.
So they they took her licenseaway.
But um, so I still was going tothe same church.
But now some people are leavingand going to other churches, so

(01:04:05):
it's kind of like thinning outsome of the the problem group
that I had.
And um just blows my mind.
I just I'm sorry.
When um, you know, going throughthe foster care and I wound up

(01:04:28):
having to go to court against mymom to for her to lose her
rights to me and fight her forvisitation of my siblings.

SPEAKER_04 (01:04:38):
Oh, did you um emanciate?

SPEAKER_01 (01:04:42):
I didn't get emancipated.
They were gonna I stayed in theum um custody of the state.

SPEAKER_04 (01:04:48):
Okay.
Um so was state conservator overyou then until you turned to the
city.

SPEAKER_01 (01:04:52):
I believe so, yeah.
So they would just kind of letme go stay with different
people.
I wound up bouncing around for along time.
And then um I met my husband.
I actually I gave my mom anotherchance, right?
Midway, about 17, almost 18 atthat point.
My siblings were begging me tocome home.

(01:05:15):
Plus, we want to see if theyreally love us.
And yeah, yeah, you know, hopingthat things were different this
time.
So I went back and she wasdivorced from that third
husband.
She had a significant other, andum, which I don't have any
problems with them.
I think I was already at age andthey all knew just to leave me
alone kind of thing.

(01:05:35):
But um moved back, moved toHanford, where I met my husband.
She was living there at thetime, and I wound up meeting my
husband, and I got pregnant andmarried my husband, and here I
am 27 years later.

SPEAKER_04 (01:05:52):
How miraculous, though, that you were able to
get married so young and staymarried.
Oh, yeah because it's you know,trauma histories make
relationships really difficult.
And um that's really a testimonyof the Lord, but also to you um

(01:06:12):
and your husband that you guyscould stay married and make it
work for so many years.
And the opposite because youhadn't even gotten any healing
yet.

SPEAKER_01 (01:06:22):
Oh no, and our first five years were horrible.
I will say they were horrible.
We did go through a separationfor four months and moved out,
got my own apartment.
We had um, he had a previousmarriage, so we had his three
children with us.
So um, and then we had fivetogether.
So we had a big family of eightkids.

(01:06:44):
But um, I just we did, we wentthrough it, and then through
these years, though, I would govisit churches because I still
wanted God.
Right.
Because I still remembered thegood part of God before all the
mess happened.
And as I get older, you begin tounderstand that people are

(01:07:06):
people and it's not God.
Right.
So I would go visit churches,but I still wasn't having good
experiences.
I went to go visit another localchurch and the family whose door
I had beat on.
The the mom came, saw me, gianthug, you know.
I was like, you know, hey, howare you?
You know, and you know what?

(01:07:28):
I just had lunch with your mom,and we were just talking how
funny it was that day when shespanked you at my house.
I'm like, yeah, being dragged bymy hair was not a spanking, and
you're stopping her because I'mhyperventilating.
And oh, and my husband, I hadshared my story with, and his

(01:07:48):
mouth dropped.
He was like, Are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_04 (01:07:51):
He was like, Are you he was just because we minimize,
I think people minimize becausethey don't understand.

SPEAKER_01 (01:08:00):
No, and he was like, Oh, well, we're not ever going
to that church, you know, andthen he grew up Catholic, so the
this is totally new to him,right?
And then different, you know,when I'm explaining the
differences of it, you know, youstill bump into those people,
yeah.
To kind of, you know, thePharisees.

(01:08:20):
Oh, yeah.
They're all around sometimes.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:08:24):
Yeah.
We pray for them.

SPEAKER_01 (01:08:27):
I do, I really do.
I I don't want, you know, yousee it a lot of times, and now
it's just kind of like, you knowwhat?
Hey, we're all just human.
Yeah.
And I I really feel like thingsare changing.

SPEAKER_04 (01:08:42):
There's wonderful, wonderful people and Christians
and people that are reallygetting it for themselves.
Right.
You know, are well generationsof change, but I think um as we
grow older, we understand thingsdifferent too.
I imagine that generation, therewas wonderful, wonderful people
that love the Lord.

(01:09:03):
We were just kids.
Right.
We didn't see it.
And I I look back.
Um, Brene Brown says, you know,in her work, if we can just
believe that everyone is doingthe best that they can with what
they know, you know, I've reallygrown to appreciate that and
believe that.
I really believe, except, youknow, people that have

(01:09:26):
personality disorders andsociopathic tendencies, but in
the general sense, especially inchurch culture, people really
are doing the best that they canwith where they're at and what
they know.
Yeah.
And God is healing them, youknow, as long as they keep
pursuing the Lord, I believeGod'll do the work.

(01:09:47):
Yeah.
I agree.
Yeah.
So what made you come back at34?
Like what how did that happen?

SPEAKER_01 (01:09:56):
So when I was 31, so a few years before I came back,
um my in 2011, my 11-year-oldson was diagnosed with a brain
tumor.

SPEAKER_04 (01:10:07):
At 11.

SPEAKER_01 (01:10:08):
At 11 years old.

SPEAKER_04 (01:10:09):
Oh, I can't imagine that.

SPEAKER_01 (01:10:11):
Um, perfectly healthy, great kid.
I mean, um, you know, all themom things that I can definitely
say.
And um, I remember getting thediagnosis being transferred out
to Valley Children's, and youknow, they had to go in and do a
biopsy.
And I was he having symptoms?
Had he been sick?
Like, how did that come about?

(01:10:32):
Honestly, they were stunned thatwe found it because I thought he
had a stomach flu.
And what it was was um the tumorwas um blocking the left front
ventricle, so it was causing theCSF to build up and so was
making him nauseous.

(01:10:52):
And um when I took him in, askedfor a um CAT scan, they found it
and sent us out.
And that day I'll never forgetthat just ice, like my blood
felt like turned to ice whenthey told me what it was.
So I had promised my grandma,you know, and promised God if he

(01:11:17):
brought him out that I wouldtake him to church.
And my kids loved my grandma,and um I to went to church to
testify of God bringing my sonthrough the brain surgery and
bringing him through all ofthat.

SPEAKER_04 (01:11:36):
The tumor was in the brain, but it was blocking his
his ventricle in his heart.

SPEAKER_01 (01:11:41):
No, the in the brain.
Oh, okay.
And um so I would visit moreoften because there was more
need.
There was more need, but not forme.
I had this mentality, like Idon't deserve it, but he does.
Yeah.
You know, like, okay, God, I I'mnot asking nothing for me.

(01:12:03):
Like I'm I'm past redemption.

SPEAKER_05 (01:12:06):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:12:07):
This is just for him, you know, and my kids
deserve it.
Not just him.
His name's Anthony.
Um, it was um, it was for mykids, you know, because now
something that you only see onmovies is actually happening to
me, you know.
So um he did a year of chemo atchildren's for about six months,

(01:12:32):
he was okay.
Then they found that the tumorwas changing.
So he did, I want to say it waslike nine months of a clinical
trial at UCSF.
Then that stopped working.
And um, by this time, it's early2014.
Um he was starting his thirdround of chemo back at Valley

(01:12:53):
Children's.
But we had gone to visit churchand Anthony wound up getting the
Holy Ghost at 14.
He was 14 at this time.
Praise God.
And he was like, Mom, I justwant to go to church.
And I'm like, okay, you know,we'll go more.

(01:13:15):
And I want to find his oh no, Iwant to go to grandma's church.
He didn't want, so I felt like Icouldn't tell him no because all
he was asking for was God.
Right.
So I would only go to church onSunday mornings and take him.
And he just grew.
Like, I when I think about it,like it amazes me because here's

(01:13:36):
this kid.
In essence, they're Sundayschool kids because we only go
to Sunday morning service andthey're only going to Sunday
school.
Right.
And I mean, they loved it, theywere thriving.
And then he would come to me,and this is probably around, I
think it was February, end ofFebruary of 2014 when he got the
Holy Ghost.

(01:13:57):
And um in August, the summer theum church offered to pay for him
and his older sister to go tojunior camp, which is where my
daughter got the Holy Ghost.
So they're loving it, they'rejust dedicating their, and I
want it so bad, but I'm stillholding back.

(01:14:18):
Like I'm not gonna mess this upfor them.
Like I'm not asking nothing formyself.
I just want them to have this.
Yeah.
And then we started kind ofgoing Sunday morning, Sunday
night.
And he started coming to me,Anthony, and we'd be out, mom.
Sunday school says we have to bebaptized.

(01:14:38):
Uh, I need to get baptized, mom.
And I was like, no, I just wantyou to wait till you're older.
Um, just, you know, you got tounderstand what you're doing
before you do it.
Just like thinking more logicalthan spiritual for sure.
And so he started coming to hisdad and he would tell his dad,
Dad, I want to get baptized.

(01:14:59):
And my husband would back me up,no, you know, wait till you're
older.
You got to understand it.
And he'd be out, no, but dad,and the by he'd start quoting
scripture and telling, and myhusband was like, Where is this
coming from?
Like, this is the and then myhusband, I would invite him to
church and he's be like, I'mstaying home to watch football.

(01:15:19):
But then he would just show upat the church on Sunday
evenings.
So I would pretend that I wasn'texcited, but I would be excited
for him to come.
Sure.
And um at one point I wound upcalling my old pastor's wife
from my childhood, and I calledher and I was speaking to her,

(01:15:40):
and she tells me about theprodigal son.
She was like, April, God iswaiting for you.
And for some reason, I justcouldn't believe it.
Like, really, and I've knownthat story.
I just never ever applied it tome or even thought that I was in
that category because I wasrebellious.

(01:16:01):
You know, I started doing thingson purpose.
Yeah.
And when she talked to me, wehad a very nice long, and I'm so
grateful for her.
And we had a great conversationand she encouraged me.
And I remember that nextservice, I was like, here I am,
God.
And God just touched me andjust, you know, refilled me.

(01:16:24):
And I was like, I don't everwant to lose this nothing like
his presence.
There isn't, you know, and youknow, my kids were young teens.
So I remember even telling them,guys, we're gonna go, you know,
we're in this.
Are we, you know, we're on thisas a team, and they're like,
Yeah, we want this, mom.
We want to go.

(01:16:45):
I'm like, okay, we're gonna dothis.
But I would warn them too, youknow, like, guys, people that go
to church are still people.
I was like, there's a differencebetween your testimony and your
business because I didn't everwant my kids to go through, get
hurt.
Yeah.
So I tried to teach them that,you know, but to be loving, we

(01:17:06):
don't judge anybody, just kindof, you know, if you see
somebody struggling, pray forthem.
It's they want us to knowthey'll tell us.
Yeah.
You know, and but Anthonygetting the Holy Ghost, he
finally talked us into gettingbaptized.
Yeah.
So he was baptized on August10th, um, 2014.

(01:17:27):
Him and two um, two more of mychildren, his older sister and
his brother, right, under him.
Oh, so they all got baptizedthat night, and then um he
passed away September 10th, onemonth to the day after his
baptism that we agreed to.
Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_05 (01:17:47):
He just had his death anniversary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How old?
He was 15, 14.
14.

SPEAKER_04 (01:17:56):
I cannot imagine.

SPEAKER_01 (01:17:59):
No.
It's you know, um, it's noteasy.
I'm not gonna sit here and saythat sometimes I can I don't cry
every day like I used to, but Ithink about him every day, you
know.
He he'll always be, he's my son,he's forever a part of me.
Um but I'm still amazed at howthings happen, how God worked.

(01:18:26):
Yeah, he just saved him.
Yeah, he did, and you know, Ibecause I drove him to the
hospital a couple days before hepassed.
And um, when he wasn't feelinggood, it was a Saturday.
He passed on Wednesday, but likeit was almost late night,
Saturday night, when I took himinto the hospital.
And I remember driving him and Icould hear him praying, and he

(01:18:50):
was speaking in tongues in thefront seat.
And I just laid my hand on himand started praying with him.
And I don't even know now when Irealized it, I started praying
for God to strengthen him.

SPEAKER_05 (01:19:05):
Do you feel like he was afraid or was he at peace?

SPEAKER_01 (01:19:09):
I think he was at peace because he spoke in
tongues on the drive to thehospital.
When we got there, they gave himsome morphine to to like help
with his pain because he said hehad another headache.
And um he he would wake up.
It was like he'd be dozing andhe'd wake up and he was like,

(01:19:30):
Mom, are you okay?
I'm like, Yeah, I'm okay.
And he would tell me, Mom,thanks for taking care of me.
I'm like, stop thanking me.
I'm your mom, I'm here, I loveyou.
I'm I'm always gonna take careof you, you know.
And he'd doze off and he woke upand he's like, Mom, is dad
stressed out because my husbandhas a fair of doctors and

(01:19:52):
hospitals, and I was like, Dad'sfine, like you know, and my
husband happened to call on hisbreak because he was working
graveyards at that time and hetalked to our son.
And then um all of a sudden hestarted, he woke up again and
they were like, if he can holddown the soda, we're gonna send

(01:20:13):
him home.
And he was unable to hold downthe soda, but um he laid down
and he was in some pain again,and all of a sudden he started
speaking in tongues.
He was just praying.
Something I knew something wasdifferent because I don't
interrupt people praying, but Idid.

(01:20:33):
I called his name.
I was like, Anthony, Anthony,and he opened his eyes, he
looked, he goes, Mom, I'mpraying.
And I just shut up and I justlooked at him and I started
praying for him, and then he henever woke up.
But it blows my mind that heknew where to go.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:20:54):
So I know he was God prepared him.
God totally prepared him.
He did, and and you to be, youknow, to lose a child, I can't
imagine.
But to know that God has him andthat there was no fear and he

(01:21:15):
was at peace is such a gift fromGod.

SPEAKER_01 (01:21:20):
It really is, you know, and then his birthday, um,
his a Christmas baby or uh twodays before Christmas, but he
loved Christmas.
But his um cousin that he met atjunior camp that summer, they
had written each other notes andum that they were to open on

(01:21:42):
their birthdays.
So she had told me she was like,Anthony said I couldn't open
this until my birthday, whichisn't till June.
I was like, open it on hisbirthday.
His is coming up.
She was like, Okay.
So on his birthday, I got aphone call from her and she read
the note to me.
And in the note, he told her,God spoke to me and told me that

(01:22:07):
he's gonna take my pain soon.
And I was like, becausemind-blown, because he used to
ask me, Mom, how do you knowthat God's talking to you?
And I was like, Well, in theBible, Samuel heard a clear
voice.
I said, I've heard people say,you know, when they're reading
the word, they'll get like astrong impression, or in prayer.

(01:22:30):
I was like, I guess it'sdifferent from everybody.
But he kept telling me and hewas like, Mom, I'm gonna
minister.
And just his story, and thenwhen he passed the cards, I
actually barely read them, maybeabout a year ago.
I was amazed to see how he wassitting in class with his
teachers teaching the word tohis teachers and to his friends.

(01:22:56):
And I was just like, wow, I Ididn't, I had no idea.
Yeah, like I knew he loved theLord, but I didn't even know
what he was doing.
And if you saw him, you wouldhave never known he was going
through treatment.
Yeah.
Never.
So I just he I think that's whatbrought me back, but that's also

(01:23:21):
where I was like, okay, Lord,like I know that the only reason
why I'm okay is because of God.
Right.
Because losing my son took mybreath away.
Yeah.
And there were times where just,you know, you're sitting there
and the grief just hits.
It literally feels like the windgets knocked out of you.

(01:23:42):
And learning too that I had topray, Lord, I don't need you to
get me through the day or evenan hour like right now.
If you don't get me throughright now, I'm not gonna be
okay.
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (01:23:54):
And he's that's a fearful thing to know the
desperation of wondering if youcan make it through the minute,
you know, just in the moment,because it's so um
all-encompassing, all-consuming.

SPEAKER_01 (01:24:11):
And it's been 11 years now, and God has pulled me
through each and every moment.

SPEAKER_05 (01:24:18):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (01:24:19):
And the enemy's tried, you know, he's tried to
knock me out of the churchmultiple times, you know.
Things still happen in withpeople, yeah, but there's
nothing out there worth worthit.
And there's nothing.
No, yeah.
I was empty and I was alwaysseeking that that I knew was

(01:24:41):
real.
And now I can look back and belike, the why I felt the
comfort.
He's the comforter witheverything that I went through
as a kid.
Yeah.
When I was in that church house,when I was there, when I was in
that prayer, when I wassurrounded by that, like that
was your safe place.
Yeah, your refuge.

(01:25:02):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:25:04):
Yeah, that's what God's been for me.
I think sometimes I just go inmy prayer closet and I just curl
up and you know, there's nothinglike being in his presence and
just knowing he's got it allunder control.

SPEAKER_05 (01:25:20):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (01:25:21):
Yeah, I'm I'm so sorry for your loss.

SPEAKER_01 (01:25:24):
Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 (01:25:25):
I'm really grateful for what God did through it, you
know, and and that your son isin heaven, the the place we want
to be.
And I think there's peace inthat.
There's there is there's loss,obviously, but I think there's
peace and rest in knowing ourloved one is with the Lord, you

(01:25:49):
know.

SPEAKER_01 (01:25:50):
Right.
Because I'll never forget thatthat I wondered why I was
hurting it.
It's hard to put in words.
I I don't even know if I candescribe it right, but because I
I I held him till his till hewas gone, you know, he came into
this world straight onto myarms, and I he I didn't let him

(01:26:13):
go out by himself either.
Yeah.
But um I just I'll never forgetlike this this presence that was
in the room.
Yeah.
That and it was, it was likethis peace, and it felt weird to
me because it was like this thiscan't be happening, but like

(01:26:33):
there was this weird peace thatwas there.
And I know that it's God.
I'm so grateful.
I'm just so thankful for God'shand in my life, yeah.
And just pulling me through allof this.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:26:47):
Well, he's not done.
It's not just He doesn't save usjust so that we survive in life.
He saves us to be a blessing andto live in blessing.
And that is blessing is not justmaterialism.
It you know, some sometimes it'snot materialism at all.

(01:27:09):
Blessing is just joy and peaceand um love to to to be able to
love others, I think is such agift, you know, to to have that
desire to just love people andjust to be good to people and
kind to people where you knowyou really get to live out who

(01:27:32):
Jesus is.
Yeah.
And uh the best has got to beyet to come.
I am amen.
I mean, I I believe that thatthe Bible says that, but I
really believe that I feel likepeople are coming out.
Oh, I hate when I get weepy andcan't talk.

(01:27:55):
Okay, but I'm seeing so manypeople coming out of surviving
life and walking into livinglife, you know, and there's such
a difference.
And I gotta believe it's not fornothing.
God is shifting the season andshifting where people are at in

(01:28:17):
their life for what is ahead ofus, right?
You know, for the last dayrevival for sure.
Um I heard someone preach amessage about the bride and
God's coming back for avictorious church, the bride
without spot or wrinkle.
And we've heard that our wholelives growing up in church, that

(01:28:41):
that's a bride without sin,that's a bride without, you
know, that's a pureness, whichit is.
It's all those things.
But it had been a long time, andmaybe I never did think about
it.
But it's also a bride that ishappy, that is expectant, that
is joyful, that is ready, thatis, you know, um looking forward

(01:29:07):
to the greatest thing, you know?
And we're not gonna be thisbroken down church that's barely
limping to get to church, barelylimping to the altar to hold on
by the skin of our teeth for onemore day.
It's so as I hear your story andI hear other stories in my own

(01:29:27):
life, God is, I think He hasshifted it to where we get to
walk in victory, we get to walkin the best is yet to come.
I think it's here and it isbeginning.
I think it's just starting.
But, you know, I can't wait tosee what God does in this earth

(01:29:48):
and what God does in all of ourlives, you know, all of our the
backsliders that's come home andare in the process of coming
back.

SPEAKER_01 (01:30:00):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:30:01):
And the the gang community, I mean, I said it in
the last show, but I want to sayit again.
I I really see a revivalhappening in the whole gang
culture.
They're getting saved and peopleare coming to the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 (01:30:16):
Wow, that's amazing.

SPEAKER_04 (01:30:18):
Well, we got several in my church.
You wouldn't know it.
Some of them you would becausethey're tatted up, you know, on
their face.
But um some of them you wouldn'tknow the lives that they've
lived because it's under theirclothes.
Right.
You know, but man, miraculousdeliverance stories that God is

(01:30:38):
God is God is moving in thisearth in such a powerful,
powerful way.

SPEAKER_01 (01:30:44):
Oh, I believe it.
I really do.
And I'm keeping it even for myfamily as well.
I see God's still moving andworking in there too.

SPEAKER_04 (01:30:54):
Oh, you know, it's none of it's by accident.
Every little piece of the puzzleis gonna make sense.
And and you know, I will believewith you that God is gonna save
all of your family.
You know, the ones that want tobe saved, I think.
Oh, yeah.

(01:31:15):
There's people, bitterness setsin, and bitterness is an ugly,
ugly, ugly root.
But God can even work, God caneven God can even touch a heart
that is bitter and make it softagain.

SPEAKER_01 (01:31:32):
And He can, because I think I carried a so much
bitterness with my mom.
Yeah.
And it's been a few years nowthat I had a conversation with
her to let her know, you know, Ilove you.
Um I pray for you.
I pray for we don't have, youknow, a a relationship.
Um, but it's no longerbitterness.

(01:31:53):
I think it's just boundaries.
Yeah.
Healthy, trying to be makehealthy boundaries.
And it's still something that Ipray on, you know, like I sure,
sure, yeah.
Like, you know, God's gonna haveto weave that in the right way.

SPEAKER_04 (01:32:06):
And I always think if if I would be okay seeing
them in heaven, right?
Then I love them, you know.
I may I may not want to do lifewith you, but um I definitely
want to see them in heaven, youknow.
God knows how to take care ofall the rest.

SPEAKER_01 (01:32:25):
Oh, yeah.
And that's what I'm trusting.

SPEAKER_04 (01:32:28):
Yeah.
Um, so April, um, I'm gladyou're here.

SPEAKER_01 (01:32:33):
I'm glad I got to be here and share.
I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_04 (01:32:36):
I mean, I'm glad you're here in life.
I'm glad you're here on theshow, but I'm really glad um
that you're here in life.
So am I God's still got a lot ofredemption left for you.
And he he will complete the workof his hands.

SPEAKER_01 (01:32:54):
I believe that.

SPEAKER_04 (01:32:56):
Yeah.
Um, so what would you say to thebackslider that's out there that
hasn't come home yet?

SPEAKER_01 (01:33:04):
Come home.
There's nothing or anybodythat's gonna ever fill that void
and heal those wounds.
Only God can do it.
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:33:20):
And what would you say to the spouse or the parent
of the prodigal?

SPEAKER_01 (01:33:27):
Don't stop praying because no matter what we do out
there, God doesn't leave us.
We know, we feel it, we youknow, we may push it away and
ignore it, but don't give up.
I'm so, so grateful for mygrandmother's prayers.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (01:33:44):
I mean, you know, my cousin Keith and uh both of his
parents passed away, they theynever got to see their prayers
answered for him.
Right.
And yet, you know, after 40years of crazy and prison and

(01:34:05):
gang life and you know,horrible, horrible violence,
he's living for God.
Yeah.
He told me yesterday morningbefore church, he texted me and
he said, I woke up crying,speaking in tongues, and that's

(01:34:25):
never happened, you know, and heis still so amazed by God and
how God shows up in his life,you know, and I just thought,
man, God is so faithful, he's sogood.
But yes, never stop prayingbecause you may not see it.
Right, but God is working and hewill work.

(01:34:49):
He doesn't stop.
Yeah.
Oh, well, thank you for beinghere and sharing your story and
your testimony with us, and umand we and mostly, you know,
giving God the glory for savingyou, redeeming you, preventing

(01:35:10):
you from taking your life andsaving your son, knowing his
time was coming to an end.
But God, God in his beautifulmercy and way saved him.

SPEAKER_01 (01:35:23):
Yes, he did.
I'm so thankful.

SPEAKER_04 (01:35:25):
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much, April.
And um, and thank you for allthose watching.
I hope um if any of our podcastsbless you, please share them.
Um and like them and subscribe.
It blesses us.
We send this out into the world,and I don't always know um if it

(01:35:49):
reaches people.
Um, and I don't need to know.
I know God is gonna do a workand has done a work, but um, but
really um we're trying to reachpeople that was like me, people
that was like April and all theguests we've had on our show.
So if you know a prodigal outthere, please, please send them

(01:36:12):
one of the stories that's sharedbecause someone is living the
story same as we all were.
And if you have a testimony toshare, um please reach out.
Our website and email addressand all that good stuff is on
the link.
Um, but we really appreciate youwatching.
I know it blesses me when I dohear, and I know it blesses all

(01:36:35):
the guests that share theirstory.
So thank you so much for beingwith us, and um may God bless
you.
Bye.

SPEAKER_00 (01:36:43):
We are so glad you joined us.
If you have a story ofredemption or have worn the
label of a backslider, we wouldlove to hear from you.
If you'd like to support ourministry, your donation will be
tax deductible.
Visit our website at theredeemedbackslider.org.
We hope you will tune in for ournext episode.

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Breaking The Silence TRB #33 April Martinez

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