June 30, 2025 • 27 mins
The feeling that draws us to someone isn't the same force that keeps us there. Frank and Darcie Montgomery celebrate their 19th anniversary by dismantling one of marriage's most dangerous myths: that butterfly-inducing infatuation is the same as love.
Drawing from nearly two decades of experience—including multiple separations, child support court, and profound heartbreak—the couple shares how they transformed their first 13 years of self-centered decision-making into a thriving partnership built on deliberate choices rather than fleeting emotions. "Even when I'm not feeling it, I choose to love you," Frank explains, challenging our culture's dopamine-chasing approach to relationships.
Perhaps most powerful is Darcie's revelation about commitment despite coming from generations of divorce. "I refused to believe the unhealed version of you was the real version," she tells Frank through tears, describing how she "went to battle on her knees" for their marriage when walking away seemed easier. Their journey reveals how selfless love creates a beautiful paradox—when both partners wake up asking "How can I serve my spouse today?" both ultimately get their needs met without demanding their own way.
The conversation expands to explore marriage as ministry, the transformative power of praying together, and why learning to appreciate small everyday moments matters more than elaborate date nights. Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, their hard-earned wisdom offers a roadmap for moving beyond feelings to forge an unbreakable bond.
What relationship lesson resonated most with you? Share your thoughts and connect with Frank and Darcie on Facebook or email your story to therestoredcast@gmail.com.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
you are listening to the restored podcast with frank
and Darcy Montgomery.
Welcome back to the RestoredPodcast.
My name is.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Frank, I am Darcy.
This is a big week for us.
You.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So, with 19 years of marriage, I kind of wanted to
just stay on the marriage themethis week and talk about some
stuff that we've learned list.
(01:10):
But before we get into that,one of the biggest things I
think we fall into a trapwhenever we're dating and I
think we fail to communicatethis with our children is when
you start dating and you meetsomebody new and you get all
those new feels.
You want to be around thatperson and they make you feel a
(01:31):
certain way you know when youare around them infatuation this
, this infatuation that you have, and you want to be around them
all the time, you want to talkto them.
You don't want to hang up thephone.
No, you hang up first.
No, you hang up first.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
No, you hang up first or just fall asleep on the
phone or fall asleep on thephone.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
We've all done it, we've all been there yeah but
that feeling of infatuation isnot love.
That feeling of infatuationmight lead you to want to ask
that person to marry you.
It may lead to an engagement,it may lead you down that aisle
(02:12):
to marriage, but that feeling isnot love.
That feeling will not sustainyou.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Feelings will fade, especially when real life hits.
And if you are getting marriedbased off of a feeling I'm going
to go out on a limb here andI'm going to that that's okay.
(02:44):
But you have to nurture thatfeeling, you have to baby that
feeling.
You have to understand thatmaybe someday you won't
necessarily feel that feeling inthat way in that way.
(03:04):
but if you were so infatuatedwith that person to where you
wanted to be around them all thetime, you fell in love with
them and you decided to getmarried.
You want to stay, you want tomake a thing of this.
You have to learn that evenwhen you aren't feeling that
(03:27):
feeling that I'm choosing lovetoday and we have an issue with
that and we chase dopamine somuch In our relationships with
others we are seeking dopamine.
We do it in our relationshipwith God.
(03:47):
We're seeking that dopamine hit.
We're seeking that feeling thatyou get whenever you're down at
the altar and the spirit of Godis so thick and so heavy you
feel it tingling through yourbody.
We chase that feeling.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
And not the relationship.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
And not the relationship and not the
relationship.
Just as we are to worship Godwhen we're not feeling it, we
are to honor our wives, ourhusbands.
We are to respect our spouse,we are to love them even when we
aren't feeling it.
Right feeling it Right and intoday's world it tells us that
(04:33):
if that other person isn'tfulfilling your dopamine needs,
they're not giving you thosedopamine hits.
You're not quote unquotefeeling it anymore.
It's okay to end it.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
But we are to push through that when we're not
feeling it, and it's on thosedays, whenever I don't feel
loving, it's on those days thatI don you Right.
I choose to love you.
I choose to, even though I'mnot feeling it.
Today, I am going to be nice toDarcy.
(05:13):
Even though I'm not feeling ittoday, I am going to do what
Darcy is asking me to do.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Right, right.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
And so that's really the big key.
I'm sure you might have that onyour list, or at least part of
that, but that's really the bigthing that I wanted to share,
first and foremost is thefeeling will fade, but your
(05:46):
choice to love cannot fade.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Right, oh, are we going on to my list now, Okay?
Well, these are in no order ofimportance, but I learned how to
selflessly love.
I learned how to put your wantsand your needs and all of that
before mine and love you andchoose you.
(06:13):
Honestly, back to what you saidI choose you.
I am an introvert and I need myspace and sometimes you're in
my space and I just choose to.
Okay, Lord, I'm going to lethim be in my space and love him
and he'll go away and I'll havemy space later.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
But I've also had to learn and there was a day I
don't know, here recently,within the past few weeks, I was
out running some errands andyou basically told me stay away.
I did, just don't come home.
And thank you because beforestay away, I did.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Just don't come home and thank you, because before
you wouldn't have cared, youwould have said I'm coming home,
but thank you, you took yourtime and gave me that space,
because I needed it.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
It's give and take on both sides and you talk about
selfless love.
And you talk about selflesslove If each spouse can wake up
every day in their marriage andsay, okay, how can I selflessly
love my spouse?
And both spouses are doing that.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Because we've had both sides of that.
We've had a oh, we had 15 yearsmaybe not 15, we had 13 years
of I'm doing this for me becauseI want to right, and that led
to heartache, it led to fights,it led to unhappiness, and it
(07:55):
doesn't even necessarily have tobe a big thing.
But instead of me here's whereI feel like we have really
changed Instead of me saying I'mgoing to do this for me because
it makes me happy and I want todo this, is me saying, okay,
(08:18):
now, instead of that, I'm goingto say man, I really want to do
that, I really.
But I know it, darcy doesn'tnecessarily enjoy it.
But here's the crazy part is,whenever we're both living that
selfless, 9 times out of 10 weend up doing that thing that
(08:41):
makes me happy, because you areselflessly loving and you want
to do things that make me happy.
So you want to do things thatmake me happy.
So you choose to do things thatmake me happy, whereas before I
would say OK, I'm doing this, Idon't care what Darcy says,
whether she wants to or not.
I'm doing it because I want toand it makes me happy, and
(09:05):
oftentimes, like we said, itwould lead to fights, fights.
But now.
Now I don't necessarily pusheverything that I want to do,
but we end up doing it becauseyou love me and, and vice versa,
I try to.
I try to do things that I knowyou enjoy right.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
We wake up now asking how can I serve the other
person, what can I do today tocheer them up and bring a smile
and show them that I love them?
And that's where we wake up nowand it's so much better.
So much more peace and joy comefrom that.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
And at least from the receiving side, it lets your
spouse know that they love me,they are choosing me over
(10:05):
themselves.
Right knows that their otherhalf whether it be a husband or
a wife is doing things for thembecause they love them and they
want them to be happy.
It makes that person feel lovedand, in turn, want to express
(10:25):
that love back.
All right, well, my secondpoint is I learned what true
commitment was turn.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Want to express that love back, all right.
Well, my second point is Ilearned what true commitment was
.
I didn't grow up in a housewhere commitment was a thing.
There was.
My whole family, generationsback, was divorced and that's
what I knew.
I had never seen anybody staymarried to the same person for a
long time.
(10:50):
Now I got to see that with yourparents.
I don't know how long they hadbeen married by the time I came
into the family, but it was over50 years and I didn't
understand.
And I, I asked your mom so manyquestions and your mom fought
for us in prayer and you knowshe showed me what commitment
(11:13):
was.
The Lord showed me whatcommitment was.
But even in the bad times, evenwhen I mean, we went to child
support court, we, you know, wehad child exchanges and we were
separated three or four times Istill had that commitment and
loyalty and love for you and Irefuse to believe that the
(11:35):
unhealed version of you was thereal version of you.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
I think what it boils down to a lot is in today's
world and a lot of it is becauseof the enemy in the world.
We are told and we are taughtdo what makes you happy.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Do what makes you feel good and, going back to the
original point, when thatfeeling fades, I don't feel good
anymore, I don't feel happyanymore.
So therefore, I'm going toleave.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Right and we lean on.
A lot of times people lean onyou know somebody, their spouse,
making them happy.
That is not their job and ifthat's, that's a you issue.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I've seen.
I've seen both sides.
I've seen divorce not, you know, firsthand, necessarily with my
parents or anything like that.
I've seen, I've seen divorceand I've seen how that divorce
is justified, is justified.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
There are times whenever divorce may not be
avoidable for all.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Right and I understand that.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
But, with that being said, I believe and I know you
believe that every effort shouldbe made to make this marriage
work.
And why I believe that way isbecause whenever you do get
(13:20):
married, you say your vows toeach other and you are entering
into a covenant with that otherperson and with God, and with
God.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
And I have to make every effort within my power to
uphold and honor that covenantthat was made.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
And I mean, you're the reason why we are still
married.
It is because of thatdetermination.
There were so many times that,because of the way I acted,
because of the way I treated you, I was just ready to walk away.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
But it was your faith that held us together.
And you're saying I guess youat some point probably said this
in your mind, but, and in myviewpoint of it, I would think
that it's because of yourdetermination.
And you saying I haven't givenit every chance and we've lost
(14:42):
friends and family because ofthat.
It is your faith, it is yourdetermination, it was your pure
grit and hardheadedness andstubbornness that said I'm going
to make this work, I'm going tostick it out.
I know God can change this man,and if that isn't the true
(15:06):
definition of love, then I don'tknow what love means of love,
then I don't know what lovemeans.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Thank you Got me crying, and that goes into my
third point.
My faith and prayer life hasbeen increased.
I learned not only how to prayfor you, fight for you, but also
to praise God when the miracleshappen and the fact that
everything we went through andwe are where we are today and we
are so happy and so in love andthe butterflies are back, and
(15:38):
all of that, that is God.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
That's what we had for dinner last night, babe.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
You're so funny.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
I mean, it all goes back to love.
If you love your spouse, you'regoing to pray for your spouse.
We're taught to pray for ourenemies, Right, If we're taught
to pray for our enemies.
If God tells us that we are topray for our enemies, I mean
come on.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
I mean, at one point I thought you were my enemy.
That's rude, it's true, youknow, but no at one point I
thought you were my enemy.
That's true.
It's true, you know.
But no, I went to battle.
I went to on my knees, deep inprayer, battle for you, and I
wouldn't change any of it.
I still go to battle for you.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
But even in the good times, even if you aren't going
through what our marriage wentthrough the first 13 years, you
still pray for and with yourspouse.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
You want to talk about intimacy.
Intimacy we always think it'ssex or physical intimacy.
You want to talk about intimacy?
Pray with your spouse.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Right, there's power in that.
The next thing is well, Ilearned how to forgive quickly.
That was a problem for me.
I would hold on to it and thesewalls would start coming up and
there would be barriers and andnow you irritate me for like
(17:18):
five minutes, and then I forgiveyou when we move on.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
I don't know I irritate you, you know you do.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
That's how your love language is being annoying.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Learning the forgiveness.
Seven times 70.
Yeah, how many times are we to,you know, forgive, and
basically we're to never stopforgiving, right One thing that
(18:01):
we have always tried to do, evenduring the bad times we've
always tried to not go to bedangry.
If we had had a fight, whateverit is, we would always try to
go to bed, go to sleep on goodterms.
It doesn't mean there wasn'thurting, anything like that, but
we took that seriously.
I can't.
I mean, that's something peopletell everybody who's getting
(18:24):
never go to sleep angry.
But we tried to uphold that andover the years, learning to
forgive has changed, because Ithink before we'd still go to
bed angry, yeah, and we hadn'treally forgiven.
(18:45):
But we've learned how to forgiveand I think a key, at least for
me, in learning to forgive,especially those closest to me
and I say especially thoseclosest to me, but everybody
really the key to understandingand it makes it a lot easier to
(19:07):
forgive somebody when youunderstand that nine times out
of ten, the actions that theydid that hurt you weren't
intentionally done to hurt you.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
And understanding that makes it a lot easier to
forgive somebody.
Yes, your actions hurt me.
Your actions did this to me,but knowing that they weren't.
If you hit me with a rock, butyou were trying to hit the tree
(19:45):
with a rock, it's a lot easierfor me to forgive you than if
you were throwing that rock atme to hit me.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
But so many times we get angry and we react out of
our anger whenever the otherperson either A has no clue that
they hurt you or, b theyweren't intending to hurt you.
Right, they weren't intendingto hurt you.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Right, and the last one that I have is I learned
that marriage is a ministry.
Our marriage is.
You know, we are to minister toeach other.
We are to set an example forthe younger generations, the
people who are getting married.
And God uses every bit of it toset an example for the younger
(20:33):
generations, the people who aregetting married.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
And God uses every bit of it.
If I can't speak into you, if Ican't pray for you, if I can't
guide you, lead you, direct you,if I can't point something out
in Scripture to you you being myspouse, you being my part of me
(20:54):
if I can't do that with you,how is God going to entrust me
to do that with?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
anybody else Yep.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
And so, yes, your ministry begins at home.
My job is to lead this house,my job is to lead you.
My job is to make sure that youare getting into heaven and my
son is getting into heaven.
That is my first and foremostministry as a man, as my wife
(21:34):
and my children, and if I can'tminister to them, then I can't
minister to anybody else.
And that's why you have a lotof church denominations.
Whenever somebody is goingthrough the ordination process
or licensing process to be apastor in that denomination, a
(21:59):
lot of times they will look atthat person's household.
And it's for that reason, ifthat man or that woman who's
wanting to enter into full-timeministry, if they can't fulfill
the ministry of their home, howare they going to fulfill that
(22:22):
ministry that they are trying tostep into in the church and
minister to others?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
And I've had to learn how to do that.
I've had to learn how to, howto lead and how to instruct
without being a dictator.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
True, and you've learned, you're very good at it
now.
Yeah, oh, that's all I had,that's all you had 19 years and
that's all you have.
Those were my top five.
(23:02):
Do you have any?
Have you learned anything?
Speaker 1 (23:08):
I think the only thing that I would really add to
that is learn to have fun andlearn to appreciate the small
moments we get, or at least I do.
I get asked all the time well,do you take your wife on special
(23:32):
dates?
And I try to do that, but inall honesty and you know this
because I've shared this withyou before If we're having a
crazy, busy, hectic week becauseof my work and my work schedule
changes day to day, week toweek we never know when I'm
working, when I'm not working,the hours that I'm working, so
(23:56):
we do things spontaneously.
Working the hours that I'mworking, so we do things
spontaneously.
And if it's a Tuesday morningbreakfast date.
I try to treat that with thesame gusto, with the same energy
as I would if we were going outon a Friday night to a
(24:17):
five-star restaurant.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Right, you do.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
And just have fun in those small moments.
If you don't have money to goout and do things, enjoy that
time at home with your wife,with your husband.
Make that time special.
Learn to have fun in all thosesmall moments when you're doing
life.
You've got sports games thatyou're going to for the kids,
(24:43):
you've got choir recitals, bandconcerts all this and you're
going a million different ways.
It's easy to neglect yourspouse, but if you're
intentional about making all ofthose moments special, you can
have a wonderful date night atthe junior high band concert
(25:07):
with your wife.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Make all those really those everyday moments and
making all those moments special.
Not having having a date nightcarved out is wonderful and
great.
But if you live for that datenight and you're only treating
your spouse special on that datenight but all the other hours
of the week you're just thehustle and bustle of life, it'll
(25:43):
drain on you real quick.
But if you're intentional aboutmaking every small moment
special, then you'll enjoy thatother person a lot more and
it'll make life a lot easier.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
So I hope that you've maybe heard something in a
different way from us today, ormaybe you learned something new.
Either way, as we celebrate 19years of marriage, we hope that
your marriage is thriving.
We hope that you are happy.
We hope that you are honoringyour spouse and God through your
(26:23):
life and through your marriage.
As always, if you want toconnect with us, you can find us
on Facebook, at the RestoredPodcast, or you can send us an
email at therestoredcast, atgmailcom.
We would love to hear yourtestimony.
We would love to hear yourtestimony.
We would love to hear yourstory.
If you have any prayer requests, any special needs, send that
(26:47):
in.
As always, those areconfidential.
We will not share them withanybody but God, and I guarantee
you that those prayer requestswill be taken before God and
prayed for, and we will agreewith you whatever you're asking
for, Until next week.
For Darcy, I am Frank and youhave been listening to the
(27:10):
Restored Podcast.
Thank you.
you are listening to the restored podcast with frank
and Darcy Montgomery.
Welcome back to the RestoredPodcast.
My name is.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Frank, I am Darcy.
This is a big week for us.
You.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So, with 19 years of marriage, I kind of wanted to
just stay on the marriage themethis week and talk about some
stuff that we've learned list.
(01:10):
But before we get into that,one of the biggest things I
think we fall into a trapwhenever we're dating and I
think we fail to communicatethis with our children is when
you start dating and you meetsomebody new and you get all
those new feels.
You want to be around thatperson and they make you feel a
(01:31):
certain way you know when youare around them infatuation this
, this infatuation that you have, and you want to be around them
all the time, you want to talkto them.
You don't want to hang up thephone.
No, you hang up first.
No, you hang up first.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
No, you hang up first or just fall asleep on the
phone or fall asleep on thephone.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
We've all done it, we've all been there yeah but
that feeling of infatuation isnot love.
That feeling of infatuationmight lead you to want to ask
that person to marry you.
It may lead to an engagement,it may lead you down that aisle
(02:12):
to marriage, but that feeling isnot love.
That feeling will not sustainyou.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Feelings will fade, especially when real life hits.
And if you are getting marriedbased off of a feeling I'm going
to go out on a limb here andI'm going to that that's okay.
(02:44):
But you have to nurture thatfeeling, you have to baby that
feeling.
You have to understand thatmaybe someday you won't
necessarily feel that feeling inthat way in that way.
(03:04):
but if you were so infatuatedwith that person to where you
wanted to be around them all thetime, you fell in love with
them and you decided to getmarried.
You want to stay, you want tomake a thing of this.
You have to learn that evenwhen you aren't feeling that
(03:27):
feeling that I'm choosing lovetoday and we have an issue with
that and we chase dopamine somuch In our relationships with
others we are seeking dopamine.
We do it in our relationshipwith God.
(03:47):
We're seeking that dopamine hit.
We're seeking that feeling thatyou get whenever you're down at
the altar and the spirit of Godis so thick and so heavy you
feel it tingling through yourbody.
We chase that feeling.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
And not the relationship.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
And not the relationship and not the
relationship.
Just as we are to worship Godwhen we're not feeling it, we
are to honor our wives, ourhusbands.
We are to respect our spouse,we are to love them even when we
aren't feeling it.
Right feeling it Right and intoday's world it tells us that
(04:33):
if that other person isn'tfulfilling your dopamine needs,
they're not giving you thosedopamine hits.
You're not quote unquotefeeling it anymore.
It's okay to end it.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
But we are to push through that when we're not
feeling it, and it's on thosedays, whenever I don't feel
loving, it's on those days thatI don you Right.
I choose to love you.
I choose to, even though I'mnot feeling it.
Today, I am going to be nice toDarcy.
(05:13):
Even though I'm not feeling ittoday, I am going to do what
Darcy is asking me to do.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Right, right.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
And so that's really the big key.
I'm sure you might have that onyour list, or at least part of
that, but that's really the bigthing that I wanted to share,
first and foremost is thefeeling will fade, but your
(05:46):
choice to love cannot fade.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Right, oh, are we going on to my list now, Okay?
Well, these are in no order ofimportance, but I learned how to
selflessly love.
I learned how to put your wantsand your needs and all of that
before mine and love you andchoose you.
(06:13):
Honestly, back to what you saidI choose you.
I am an introvert and I need myspace and sometimes you're in
my space and I just choose to.
Okay, Lord, I'm going to lethim be in my space and love him
and he'll go away and I'll havemy space later.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
But I've also had to learn and there was a day I
don't know, here recently,within the past few weeks, I was
out running some errands andyou basically told me stay away.
I did, just don't come home.
And thank you because beforestay away, I did.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Just don't come home and thank you, because before
you wouldn't have cared, youwould have said I'm coming home,
but thank you, you took yourtime and gave me that space,
because I needed it.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
It's give and take on both sides and you talk about
selfless love.
And you talk about selflesslove If each spouse can wake up
every day in their marriage andsay, okay, how can I selflessly
love my spouse?
And both spouses are doing that.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
It's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
Because we've had both sides of that.
We've had a oh, we had 15 yearsmaybe not 15, we had 13 years
of I'm doing this for me becauseI want to right, and that led
to heartache, it led to fights,it led to unhappiness, and it
(07:55):
doesn't even necessarily have tobe a big thing.
But instead of me here's whereI feel like we have really
changed Instead of me saying I'mgoing to do this for me because
it makes me happy and I want todo this, is me saying, okay,
(08:18):
now, instead of that, I'm goingto say man, I really want to do
that, I really.
But I know it, darcy doesn'tnecessarily enjoy it.
But here's the crazy part is,whenever we're both living that
selfless, 9 times out of 10 weend up doing that thing that
(08:41):
makes me happy, because you areselflessly loving and you want
to do things that make me happy.
So you want to do things thatmake me happy.
So you choose to do things thatmake me happy, whereas before I
would say OK, I'm doing this, Idon't care what Darcy says,
whether she wants to or not.
I'm doing it because I want toand it makes me happy, and
(09:05):
oftentimes, like we said, itwould lead to fights, fights.
But now.
Now I don't necessarily pusheverything that I want to do,
but we end up doing it becauseyou love me and, and vice versa,
I try to.
I try to do things that I knowyou enjoy right.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
We wake up now asking how can I serve the other
person, what can I do today tocheer them up and bring a smile
and show them that I love them?
And that's where we wake up nowand it's so much better.
So much more peace and joy comefrom that.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
And at least from the receiving side, it lets your
spouse know that they love me,they are choosing me over
(10:05):
themselves.
Right knows that their otherhalf whether it be a husband or
a wife is doing things for thembecause they love them and they
want them to be happy.
It makes that person feel lovedand, in turn, want to express
(10:25):
that love back.
All right, well, my secondpoint is I learned what true
commitment was turn.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Want to express that love back, all right.
Well, my second point is Ilearned what true commitment was
.
I didn't grow up in a housewhere commitment was a thing.
There was.
My whole family, generationsback, was divorced and that's
what I knew.
I had never seen anybody staymarried to the same person for a
long time.
(10:50):
Now I got to see that with yourparents.
I don't know how long they hadbeen married by the time I came
into the family, but it was over50 years and I didn't
understand.
And I, I asked your mom so manyquestions and your mom fought
for us in prayer and you knowshe showed me what commitment
(11:13):
was.
The Lord showed me whatcommitment was.
But even in the bad times, evenwhen I mean, we went to child
support court, we, you know, wehad child exchanges and we were
separated three or four times Istill had that commitment and
loyalty and love for you and Irefuse to believe that the
(11:35):
unhealed version of you was thereal version of you.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
I think what it boils down to a lot is in today's
world and a lot of it is becauseof the enemy in the world.
We are told and we are taughtdo what makes you happy.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Do what makes you feel good and, going back to the
original point, when thatfeeling fades, I don't feel good
anymore, I don't feel happyanymore.
So therefore, I'm going toleave.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
Right and we lean on.
A lot of times people lean onyou know somebody, their spouse,
making them happy.
That is not their job and ifthat's, that's a you issue.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
I've seen.
I've seen both sides.
I've seen divorce not, you know, firsthand, necessarily with my
parents or anything like that.
I've seen, I've seen divorceand I've seen how that divorce
is justified, is justified.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
There are times whenever divorce may not be
avoidable for all.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Right and I understand that.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
But, with that being said, I believe and I know you
believe that every effort shouldbe made to make this marriage
work.
And why I believe that way isbecause whenever you do get
(13:20):
married, you say your vows toeach other and you are entering
into a covenant with that otherperson and with God, and with
God.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
And I have to make every effort within my power to
uphold and honor that covenantthat was made.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
And I mean, you're the reason why we are still
married.
It is because of thatdetermination.
There were so many times that,because of the way I acted,
because of the way I treated you, I was just ready to walk away.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
But it was your faith that held us together.
And you're saying I guess youat some point probably said this
in your mind, but, and in myviewpoint of it, I would think
that it's because of yourdetermination.
And you saying I haven't givenit every chance and we've lost
(14:42):
friends and family because ofthat.
It is your faith, it is yourdetermination, it was your pure
grit and hardheadedness andstubbornness that said I'm going
to make this work, I'm going tostick it out.
I know God can change this man,and if that isn't the true
(15:06):
definition of love, then I don'tknow what love means of love,
then I don't know what lovemeans.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Thank you Got me crying, and that goes into my
third point.
My faith and prayer life hasbeen increased.
I learned not only how to prayfor you, fight for you, but also
to praise God when the miracleshappen and the fact that
everything we went through andwe are where we are today and we
are so happy and so in love andthe butterflies are back, and
(15:38):
all of that, that is God.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
That's what we had for dinner last night, babe.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
You're so funny.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
I mean, it all goes back to love.
If you love your spouse, you'regoing to pray for your spouse.
We're taught to pray for ourenemies, Right, If we're taught
to pray for our enemies.
If God tells us that we are topray for our enemies, I mean
come on.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
I mean, at one point I thought you were my enemy.
That's rude, it's true, youknow, but no at one point I
thought you were my enemy.
That's true.
It's true, you know.
But no, I went to battle.
I went to on my knees, deep inprayer, battle for you, and I
wouldn't change any of it.
I still go to battle for you.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
But even in the good times, even if you aren't going
through what our marriage wentthrough the first 13 years, you
still pray for and with yourspouse.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
You want to talk about intimacy.
Intimacy we always think it'ssex or physical intimacy.
You want to talk about intimacy?
Pray with your spouse.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Right, there's power in that.
The next thing is well, Ilearned how to forgive quickly.
That was a problem for me.
I would hold on to it and thesewalls would start coming up and
there would be barriers and andnow you irritate me for like
(17:18):
five minutes, and then I forgiveyou when we move on.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
I don't know I irritate you, you know you do.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
That's how your love language is being annoying.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Learning the forgiveness.
Seven times 70.
Yeah, how many times are we to,you know, forgive, and
basically we're to never stopforgiving, right One thing that
(18:01):
we have always tried to do, evenduring the bad times we've
always tried to not go to bedangry.
If we had had a fight, whateverit is, we would always try to
go to bed, go to sleep on goodterms.
It doesn't mean there wasn'thurting, anything like that, but
we took that seriously.
I can't.
I mean, that's something peopletell everybody who's getting
(18:24):
never go to sleep angry.
But we tried to uphold that andover the years, learning to
forgive has changed, because Ithink before we'd still go to
bed angry, yeah, and we hadn'treally forgiven.
(18:45):
But we've learned how to forgiveand I think a key, at least for
me, in learning to forgive,especially those closest to me
and I say especially thoseclosest to me, but everybody
really the key to understandingand it makes it a lot easier to
(19:07):
forgive somebody when youunderstand that nine times out
of ten, the actions that theydid that hurt you weren't
intentionally done to hurt you.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
And understanding that makes it a lot easier to
forgive somebody.
Yes, your actions hurt me.
Your actions did this to me,but knowing that they weren't.
If you hit me with a rock, butyou were trying to hit the tree
(19:45):
with a rock, it's a lot easierfor me to forgive you than if
you were throwing that rock atme to hit me.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
But so many times we get angry and we react out of
our anger whenever the otherperson either A has no clue that
they hurt you or, b theyweren't intending to hurt you.
Right, they weren't intendingto hurt you.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Right, and the last one that I have is I learned
that marriage is a ministry.
Our marriage is.
You know, we are to minister toeach other.
We are to set an example forthe younger generations, the
people who are getting married.
And God uses every bit of it toset an example for the younger
(20:33):
generations, the people who aregetting married.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
And God uses every bit of it.
If I can't speak into you, if Ican't pray for you, if I can't
guide you, lead you, direct you,if I can't point something out
in Scripture to you you being myspouse, you being my part of me
(20:54):
if I can't do that with you,how is God going to entrust me
to do that with?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
anybody else Yep.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
And so, yes, your ministry begins at home.
My job is to lead this house,my job is to lead you.
My job is to make sure that youare getting into heaven and my
son is getting into heaven.
That is my first and foremostministry as a man, as my wife
(21:34):
and my children, and if I can'tminister to them, then I can't
minister to anybody else.
And that's why you have a lotof church denominations.
Whenever somebody is goingthrough the ordination process
or licensing process to be apastor in that denomination, a
(21:59):
lot of times they will look atthat person's household.
And it's for that reason, ifthat man or that woman who's
wanting to enter into full-timeministry, if they can't fulfill
the ministry of their home, howare they going to fulfill that
(22:22):
ministry that they are trying tostep into in the church and
minister to others?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
And I've had to learn how to do that.
I've had to learn how to, howto lead and how to instruct
without being a dictator.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
True, and you've learned, you're very good at it
now.
Yeah, oh, that's all I had,that's all you had 19 years and
that's all you have.
Those were my top five.
(23:02):
Do you have any?
Have you learned anything?
Speaker 1 (23:08):
I think the only thing that I would really add to
that is learn to have fun andlearn to appreciate the small
moments we get, or at least I do.
I get asked all the time well,do you take your wife on special
(23:32):
dates?
And I try to do that, but inall honesty and you know this
because I've shared this withyou before If we're having a
crazy, busy, hectic week becauseof my work and my work schedule
changes day to day, week toweek we never know when I'm
working, when I'm not working,the hours that I'm working, so
(23:56):
we do things spontaneously.
Working the hours that I'mworking, so we do things
spontaneously.
And if it's a Tuesday morningbreakfast date.
I try to treat that with thesame gusto, with the same energy
as I would if we were going outon a Friday night to a
(24:17):
five-star restaurant.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Right, you do.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
And just have fun in those small moments.
If you don't have money to goout and do things, enjoy that
time at home with your wife,with your husband.
Make that time special.
Learn to have fun in all thosesmall moments when you're doing
life.
You've got sports games thatyou're going to for the kids,
(24:43):
you've got choir recitals, bandconcerts all this and you're
going a million different ways.
It's easy to neglect yourspouse, but if you're
intentional about making all ofthose moments special, you can
have a wonderful date night atthe junior high band concert
(25:07):
with your wife.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Right.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Make all those really those everyday moments and
making all those moments special.
Not having having a date nightcarved out is wonderful and
great.
But if you live for that datenight and you're only treating
your spouse special on that datenight but all the other hours
of the week you're just thehustle and bustle of life, it'll
(25:43):
drain on you real quick.
But if you're intentional aboutmaking every small moment
special, then you'll enjoy thatother person a lot more and
it'll make life a lot easier.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
So I hope that you've maybe heard something in a
different way from us today, ormaybe you learned something new.
Either way, as we celebrate 19years of marriage, we hope that
your marriage is thriving.
We hope that you are happy.
We hope that you are honoringyour spouse and God through your
(26:23):
life and through your marriage.
As always, if you want toconnect with us, you can find us
on Facebook, at the RestoredPodcast, or you can send us an
email at therestoredcast, atgmailcom.
We would love to hear yourtestimony.
We would love to hear yourtestimony.
We would love to hear yourstory.
If you have any prayer requests, any special needs, send that
(26:47):
in.
As always, those areconfidential.
We will not share them withanybody but God, and I guarantee
you that those prayer requestswill be taken before God and
prayed for, and we will agreewith you whatever you're asking
for, Until next week.
For Darcy, I am Frank and youhave been listening to the
(27:10):
Restored Podcast.
Thank you.
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