March 21, 2025 • 34 mins
The path to marital unity isn't about compromise or meeting halfway—it's about something far more powerful. Frank and Darcie Montgomery tackle the fundamental question of how two people with different backgrounds, perspectives, and personalities truly become one.
At the heart of their discussion is a profound insight: "It takes three to make two become one." This counterintuitive truth points to the essential role faith plays in creating genuine unity between spouses. When God becomes the centerpiece of a marriage, individual differences stop being obstacles and start becoming complementary strengths. The Montgomerys share from their own journey how they've moved from operating independently to embracing true oneness in every aspect of life.
Financial unity emerges as a critical testing ground for marital oneness. Darcie challenges the popular notion of separate accounts and divided responsibilities, insisting that complete transparency and shared financial decision-making are non-negotiable for couples serious about unity. "That's not unity, that's just malarkey," she explains when describing marriages where finances remain separated. This conversation expands to encompass trust, child-rearing approaches, and daily transparency.
Frank vulnerably shares his transformation from compartmentalizing "my life" to embracing "our life" in everything from work relationships to daily activities. Their most revolutionary concept might be the "100-100 marriage" that replaces the common "50-50" model. This approach has each spouse waking each day asking, "What can I do to make my partner's life better today?" rather than focusing on their own needs—creating a powerful cycle of mutual service and deeper understanding.
Ready to experience a new level of oneness in your marriage? Listen now and discover practical ways to strengthen your relationship through unity of purpose, finances, parenting approaches, and daily living—all centered in shared faith. This episode kicks off a special series on Darcie’s top five keys to marital success that you won't want to miss.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
you are listening to the restored podcast with frank
and darcy montgomery welcomeback to the restoredored Podcast
.
Thank you, I'm glad to be here.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
This is episode number five, and earlier this
week you gave me an assignmentfor today's episode.
Can you tell us what that was?
Tell us what that was Darcy'stop five keys for a healthy,
(00:52):
happy marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Right, and that sounds easy and simple enough,
right?
Well, I mean, you got to narrowit down to five.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
There's so many things that go into making a
marriage healthy, happy and yeahwell, they all kept coming back
to this one thing becoming oneand having unity in your
marriage.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
That's important.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
And when I say that, what do you think of?
How do you become unified?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Well, first of all, I heard somebody say this and it
really resonated in me and itsounds really cool.
But it takes three to make twobecome one.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I like that.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
So when you talk about two people getting married
and God designed it this way, Ithink, but you hear people say
all the time that oppositesattract Well, when you have
(02:27):
opposite viewpoints, you haveopposite backgrounds, you have
opposite beliefs.
You have everything oppositeand you're supposed to become
one, and what that looks like isthat you're in unison with your
thoughts, with your actions,with your emotions, your
emotions, your mindset,everything it's supposed to come
together and be cohesive.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
And in order to achieve that, you have got to,
first and foremost, put God atthe center of your relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
And that's what that means is it takes three.
So it takes the husband and thewife and it takes God to make
the husband and wife become oneRight.
And I look back at our life andearly on and even still to this
day.
We're better now because God isat the center of our
(03:14):
relationship.
But I look back at thebeginning of our relationship
and why it struggled so much andneither one of us were putting
God at the center of ourmarriage.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
At the center of our life.
We believed in God.
We knew God existed.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
We had had experiences with God.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
But we weren't really , you know, focused on Him and
allowing Him to lead and directus.
And so, for the first thingthat has to happen is you've got
to realize God is in control,and when God is in control, I'm
allowing God to make thosedecisions for me.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
So it takes three, it takes God to be part of that.
And then you know you look at arope and you had the three
strand rope.
Three corded rope is a lotstronger and can't be broken and
that all ties back into puttingGod in the relationship with
(04:19):
you.
So when we look at that and howthat looks on earth, genesis
2.24 says that man shall leavehis mother and father and cleave
to his wife.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
And it goes both ways .
The woman will leave her motherand father and cleave to her
husband, and that word cleavethere means like conjoined glued
together, that nothing willseparate.
(04:59):
But so many times, the firstthing that will separate the two
from becoming one are ourfamilies that we're supposed to
be leaving.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Those outside influences that we take to heart
too much.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
And I think a lot of it comes natural, because when
you do get married, most likelyyou're younger.
Some people wait until later onin life to get married, but for
the most part, you're prettyyoung when you get married, and
when you get married, you'removing out and you're living on
your own for the first time.
(05:34):
You're doing all these thingson your own for the first time,
and when you come to somethingthat you don't know, it's only
natural instinct that you turnto the people that you've always
turned to for guidance anddirection.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And so we turn to parents most often, or we turn
to grandparents, if thegrandparents raised us, whatever
it is.
But you turn to those thingsfor the direction, for the
(06:09):
direction, and when you do thatand I know this happened in our
case, so I'm going to assume,since it happened in our
situation- it most likelyhappens in most of the situation
.
Most of the couples you know dothis, and I love your mom to
death.
But there were times when youand I were making decisions
about where to move uh, what todo with this job, how to, how to
do this with our son, andwhatever it might be, you would
(06:34):
turn to your mom I would and seewhere I messed up is.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
I can turn to her for that advice.
But where it should have endedwas I got that advice and I came
to you and you and I discussedit and made a decision together.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
But a lot of times what happened is her advice
would oftentimes be opposite ofwhat my thoughts were and
instead of, like you said,instead of you coming to that
and presenting that to me youknow you had it made up in your
(07:08):
mind before you ever came to methat that's what you were going
to do, because Mama said Rightand the fact that you know you
weren't following God at thatpoint.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I wasn't following God at that point.
I was in my 20s and early 20s.
You were mid-20s, late 20s.
We weren't established enoughor experienced enough and we
made a lot of mistakes that welook back now on and regret I
mean.
One that sticks out to me is Ihomeschooled our son and,
(07:42):
through family and listening tofamily, against my wishes, I put
him in public school and I lookback on that now, at almost 40,
and it bothers me well, I mean,there's nothing you can do
about that now no, but I'msaying, if I, if I would have
realized, I wouldn't havelistened.
(08:04):
You know what I mean.
I would have.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
And you hit on something else that when you are
making decisions and it tiesback to it takes three to make
two become one.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
When each person is following God's will and
direction for their life.
It makes it makes it a loteasier for your spouse to say,
okay, my husband is followingGod.
I know that he has seeked God'swisdom.
(08:39):
I know that he has seeked God'sguidance for this and I'm going
to trust that when he sayslet's do this.
Or vice versa, when she says, Iknow, when it comes to you,
that it's a lot easier for menow to take into account what
you're bringing to the tableinstead of just dismissing it
(09:01):
immediately, because I know thatyou have seeked God's guidance
on the situation.
I know that you have spent timein prayer.
I know that you have spent timein the word.
You have spent time in prayer.
I know that you have spent timein the Word and I know that
that, whatever it is that you'rebringing to the table for that
discussion, for that decision tobe made, I know that you have
(09:28):
spent time with God Right, andvice versa.
You know the wives.
If they know that their husbandis doing that as well, it makes
it a lot easier for them to say, okay, I'm going to trust you,
but I'm only trusting youbecause I know you are trusting
God.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Right, and if there's times where your husband
backslides or your wifebackslides, you can feel that
and at that point you pray forthem and you come into unity
again.
That happens, I've seen ithappen, yeah, yeah.
So anyway, as far as this goes,what are other ways that we
(10:16):
become unified?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Well, I just think that I mean it's got to be
everything you do.
I mean, when you talk aboutconjoining together, everything
has to be unified.
We had this discussion withHayden last night at dinner.
But one of my biggest petpeeves are finances, and
(10:46):
finances are, you know, a majorcause for strife in marriages.
And I think the world tells uswell, that's easy, keep your
finances separate.
And you don't have to worryabout that.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
But that is my biggest grind when I hear a
husband and wife have differentchecking accounts and so-and-so
is responsible for the utilitybills, so-and-so is responsible
for mortgage and insurance.
They're each responsible fortheir own vehicle.
He has his account, she has heraccount.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Nobody knows what's in the other one's account.
They keep it separate.
That's not unity, that's justmalarkey.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
That's not unity, that's just malarkey.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
I mean, I you know, and on Venmo you can you know if
people make it public or not?
Even if it's public, you cansee when people send each other
money and I'll see husbands andwives sending each other money
and I'm like how does that evenhappen?
(11:54):
Because my debit card is linkedto the exact same checking
account that your debit card islinked to.
I might have a credit card inmy name, but you're an
authorized user.
You can look at everything.
You have your own card.
You have access to that creditline, just the same as I do, and
(12:14):
that goes for our personal andour business accounts, I mean
and so I think that finances area big part of it, and you know,
dave ramsey will tell you thatthat's one of the leading causes
for divorce is arguments overfinances.
And you know, you know one wayto a, one way to get rid of any
(12:38):
any doubt, any untrust, anythinglike that is for each spouse to
have complete access and knowexactly what's in that account
and where that money is andwhere that money is being
invested and where the money isgoing in full transparency.
But for you to not be able toshare finances, for you able to
(13:04):
keep things separate, to me thatjust it's almost like you have
an escape plan already in place.
I don't have to separate thatif something goes awry.
I've already got my money in myaccount, I've got my 401k, I've
got my savings account, mycar's in my name, not in my
(13:25):
husband's name, all this stuff.
But you're just settingyourself up for failure when you
do that.
Everything we have is ours.
If there's an account, ifthere's a car, whatever it is,
if we're buying something, bothof our names are on it and we
(13:52):
share it.
We share the debt.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
We share, we share everything, and I just I really
don't understand that whenpeople separate that if and
finances are a big part of ourlife here on Earth, and I mean,
if you're, if you're separatingthat, what else are you
(14:15):
separating?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Right and so and you brought up a couple of things.
You talked about trust.
I mean, that's an essential forbecoming one.
You have to trust that personin all aspects and in everything
.
So speak more on that, please.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Wow, Put me on the spot here.
Well, I mean and again it goesdoing that, when I know that God
(15:04):
is guiding your life, when youare spending your time in
communication with God, it makesit, I won't say a lot easier,
but it makes it.
It almost makes it impossiblenot to trust you.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Because if you are spending time in your
relationship with God and youare seeking His wisdom and His
guidance, for me to not trustyou is like I'm saying I don't
trust God.
Now, that takes trust in itselfthat you were in that
relationship with God itself,that you were in that
(15:58):
relationship with God, but whenGod is at the center of it and
things happen in real life thatcause trust to be broken, and
we've talked about that.
We've experienced that.
I mean going outside of themarriage for sexual
gratification, hiding money,lying about where we've been,
even if it you know.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
I'm so glad, let me say this I am so glad that I can
now be able to look at yourphone.
Your phone I have full accessto now, and that has brought us
closer.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Pastor.
Pastor talked about that acouple weeks ago and something.
I don't remember if it was asermon or what it was, but he
was talking about that and youknow my first thoughts were I
can actually do that now.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Right, and there was a time where your phone was like
glued to you.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
It was glued to me.
You didn't know my password.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
It was glued to me.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
You didn't know my password.
You know, the other day we wereat a restaurant eating lunch, I
think and I went to therestroom and I didn't realize
till I got back from therestroom that my phone was on
the table.
Yeah, left with you and you'relike somebody's texting you and
(17:16):
before.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
that would have triggered.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Oh, I would have, I would have been, I would have
been scared to death Like whatdid she see?
And but now, just that.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
And that's how it is with every part of our life,
like we are completely open andhonest and each other's best
friends.
But it hasn't always been thatway.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
And it's only taken God A because we broke that
trust.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
But whenever you're going into a marriage and people
tell you trust is earned well,trust should be earned during
that dating period, right?
Well, trust should be earnedduring that dating period, right
.
And so when you go into amarriage after that dating
(18:06):
period, you should go into thatmarriage giving your spouse full
trust and, yes, if your spouseis up to no good, you will be
hurt, that trust will be broken,right, but I think that you
have to start that relationshipoff with trust.
(18:36):
So many people build up thosewalls and it takes years and
years and years for those wallsto come down Absolutely.
But the marriage should startoff with no walls and it's our
responsibility as the spouse tokeep those walls from being
built in the first place.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
And how do you do that?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Well, the first and foremost is full transparency.
Right, I used to get so I can'tthink of the right word for it
but you would.
I would think that you wouldovershare.
Oh, I'm going to do this, andthen I'm going to do this, and
(19:15):
I'm going to do this, and thenI'm going to go here and then
this is going to happen and I'mlike okay, live your life, be a
happy wife.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And I wouldn't share any of that.
I'd be like deuces I'm going towork.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
And that was it.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Right to work, mm-hmm , and that was it Right.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
And those walls you're talking about.
They started building, but ittook time for me to understand
and realize what you were doing.
And you had to tell me what youwere doing because I was a
little slow and I didn'tunderstand.
But you were being fullytransparent about what your day
was Right and not that you werehiding anything that you were
(20:02):
doing.
And I was the opposite and evenwhen I wasn't hiding anything,
even when I wasn't doinganything nefarious, right you
were still kind of secretive.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I was secretive because that was my life.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
I wasn't hiding anything, even when I wasn't
doing anything nefarious.
Right, you were still kind ofsecretive.
I was secretive because thatwas my life, that was my
interactions.
I wasn't going to tell you, oh,I'm going to lunch with
so-and-so today, or I've got ameeting with whoever you know.
I wouldn't share all of thatwith you.
And it wasn't like I said, itwasn't anything because I was
(20:37):
doing anything wrong.
It was just that that was mylife and those were my
relationships and those were mythings.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And the key word there is my, when it should be
our life.
You know you still have yourindependence in marriage and
your own things, but for themost part you are united in
things.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
So I think there's that.
I think there's that fulltransparency and you know it's.
It may not.
If somebody out there is likeme, Then it may not come easy,
but your spouse wants to knowwhat you're feeling, what you're
(21:19):
thinking, what you're doing.
And when you can be completelytransparent and completely
honest and open with that spouse, that'll help bring the
intimacy.
And when you talk aboutintimacy, I'm not just talking,
and I know you're not, but notjust from a sexual standpoint.
(21:39):
That intimacy.
That oneness, mm-hmm, thatsharing of our lives.
Right, and you hit it on thehead.
I was saying those were myrelationships, those were my,
you know, those were my.
But even though they wererelationships that were directly
(22:05):
related to me because we wereone Right, they were ours, even
if you really weren't a part ofthem.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
They were still ours.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
And that's why, like when you had the business before
, I wasn't on any part of it,but I was there to help and I
was trying to support and Iwanted to be a part of it and
you pushed me out.
Now we have our own businesswhere I am just as much
ownership as you.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Well, it all goes back to the transparency.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
And you've gotten better.
You're almost either now.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
Thank you.
I mean I've been working on myweight a little bit, trying to
do a little here and there tolose some weight, so I'm glad
you're seeing those results andthe fruits of my labor.
But no, when you talk aboutbecoming one and you talk about
(23:15):
the trust and that ties back tothe finances too I trust you to
have access to all of our money.
I trust you to have access toeverything.
I trust you to have access to.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You even let me lay hands on you and speak over you
and all that, and before youbought that.
So oneness has been achieved.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Well, it's still a work in progress.
I don't think we are where weshould be, but we're definitely
not where we were.
We should be, but we'redefinitely not where we were.
And so when you talk aboutthose things two becoming one we
(24:06):
talked about, you have to haveGod at the center of it.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
We talked about, you know, leaving our parents and
beginning to think for our own.
And then you know, in that isfinances Raising children.
Raising children.
Trust and raising children isanother.
I mean, again you go back toopposites.
You had your viewpoints ondiscipline, I had my viewpoints
(24:40):
on discipline and we oftenargued about that, but again,
neither one of us were seekingGod's wisdom.
Now I personally think mine wascloser to God's will because my
parents were so focused ontheir relationship with God.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
And each other.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
And each other, whereas I didn't have any of
that, but we can get into childrearing at some point.
But I mean, that's another oneand it goes back to the key is
this If we're following God'swill, god's direction, we'll be
(25:31):
on the same page.
And if we're not on the samepage, somebody needs to go pray.
Somebody needs to get closer toGod.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
You need to go pray and ask him to take your issues
and change your mind and changeyour heart and change whatever
you're doing.
That's wrong and you need to doit together, because you could
both be wrong and he's the onlyone that can bring you into his
will and his purpose.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
So I mean I think that's the big takeaway here is,
in order to become one, you'vegot to have God at the center of
it.
And what does that look like?
I've said it probably 10 timesso far in this episode, but
first and foremost, you have tobe in a relationship with God.
(26:21):
You have to be seeking God'swill daily daily God's direction
for you and your family.
You have to be seeking that on adaily basis and knowing that
God is in control.
It just it takes away all ofthat insecurity that each person
(26:47):
brings into the relationship.
It takes away all of thatuntrust that each person brings
into the relationship.
And it does that becausewhenever you are in line with
God, whenever you are followingHis will, whenever you are
seeking the guidance of the HolySpirit, you are going to bear
(27:11):
the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Those fights don't happen.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
No.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
You might still disagree All the time, but the
fights don't happen.
The big blowups, the bigarguments, the hurtful words,
the hurtful words.
All of that doesn't happen ifyou're bearing the fruit of the
Spirit Love, joy, peace, kind,long-suffering.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Self-control.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Self-control.
All of that.
And it's a lot easier for twopeople to come together as one
if they're both bearing thosefruits.
Bearing those fruits and, realquick, two becoming one.
When we look at two individualsand each individual is out for
(28:06):
their own ie separate finances,I'm going to get my money, he's
going to get his money, whateverit might be.
My money, he's going to get hismoney, whatever it might be,
when those two become one.
And I just completely lost mytrain of thought where I was
(28:29):
going with that.
Oh, here we are.
Sorry, I was looking around andgot confused for a second, but
when, instead of looking out formyself if I'm looking out for
Darcy as much as I'm looking outfor Frank they say a marriage
(28:55):
takes 50-50.
A marriage takes 100-100.
It takes 100% on each end, ittakes me getting up in the
morning and saying what can I dofor Darcy today?
What can I do to make Darcy'sday better?
What can I do to make Darcy'sday easier?
What can I do to take this offof Darcy's plate?
(29:15):
And you're doing the same thing.
You're waking up.
What can I do to make Frank'sday better?
What can I do to make Frank'sday easier?
What can I do to take this offof Frank's plate.
When each spouse is doing that100% of the time and not looking
out for themselves but lookingout for the other looking out
(29:36):
for themselves but looking outfor the other you are going to
grow closer A you're going togrow closer because it might
open up your eyes a little bitas to what your spouse is facing
.
If you're trying to takesomething off of your spouse's
plate and you take on thatburden, you take on that
heaviness, and it might open upyour eyes to realize oh my, I
(29:59):
didn't realize they were dealingwith this, and not even on a
physical standpoint.
But I didn't know that theywere dealing with carrying this
emotion.
I didn't know that they weredealing with carrying this heavy
burden.
And so when you're doing thatand you're not focused on
yourself but you are focusedmore on your spouse, that'll
(30:21):
help you become one.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Right, it will, and it's taken us some time to get
to that point, but we, honestly,I can say, do both wake up with
that thought process and gothrough our day that way.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
So if there's one thing that we could encourage
our listeners to for theumpteenth time, I'm going to say
it put God first.
Seek God's will, seek God'sguidance, and just sit back and
wait and see.
Just start doing that and I'mnot saying it's going to happen
overnight.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
No.
It's going to take time Rightand you know, going into worship
together, praying together,reading the Bible together,
doing Bible studies together,that will help that come quicker
and you will both be on thesame page because you're
together in that.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
And that is a big one .
And we struggle to do that.
We've gotten better, but westill struggle to sit down on a
daily basis and pray with andfor each other.
Sit down on a daily basis andpray with and for each other,
sit down on a daily basis and doa Bible study together.
And Satan makes that awkwardand weird because he knows that
(31:52):
there is nothing, absolutelynothing, that will stop a
marriage, that will derail acouple if they are doing those
things.
And if you can do those thingson a daily basis with your
(32:12):
spouse, man, the intimacy thatwill come out of that.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Absolutely.
It's hard to do a Bible studywith me, though, so I get where
you're coming from.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
I think we pretty much covered point one of
Darcy's top five keys to ahealthy, happy marriage, and
that being that the two shallbecome one, and how you get to
that.
And there's so much more howyou get to that, but the most
(32:54):
important is you're putting Godfirst.
Each person is putting Godfirst in their life, so when
that happens, if you're puttingGod first, you will gel together
.
You will become more like eachother.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
You will become one, and that brings power.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
And that brings power and A it brings happiness.
It does, and so I just want toencourage everybody that's
listening put God first.
Put God first with your spouseand just see where it takes you.
And thank y'all so much forlistening today.
We hope that you will tune innext week for our next episode
(33:45):
and our next key in Darcy's topfive keys to a healthy, happy
marriage.
Thank you.
you are listening to the restored podcast with frank
and darcy montgomery welcomeback to the restoredored Podcast
.
Thank you, I'm glad to be here.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
This is episode number five, and earlier this
week you gave me an assignmentfor today's episode.
Can you tell us what that was?
Tell us what that was Darcy'stop five keys for a healthy,
(00:52):
happy marriage.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Right, and that sounds easy and simple enough,
right?
Well, I mean, you got to narrowit down to five.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
There's so many things that go into making a
marriage healthy, happy and yeahwell, they all kept coming back
to this one thing becoming oneand having unity in your
marriage.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
That's important.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
And when I say that, what do you think of?
How do you become unified?
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Well, first of all, I heard somebody say this and it
really resonated in me and itsounds really cool.
But it takes three to make twobecome one.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I like that.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
So when you talk about two people getting married
and God designed it this way, Ithink, but you hear people say
all the time that oppositesattract Well, when you have
(02:27):
opposite viewpoints, you haveopposite backgrounds, you have
opposite beliefs.
You have everything oppositeand you're supposed to become
one, and what that looks like isthat you're in unison with your
thoughts, with your actions,with your emotions, your
emotions, your mindset,everything it's supposed to come
together and be cohesive.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
And in order to achieve that, you have got to,
first and foremost, put God atthe center of your relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
And that's what that means is it takes three.
So it takes the husband and thewife and it takes God to make
the husband and wife become oneRight.
And I look back at our life andearly on and even still to this
day.
We're better now because God isat the center of our
(03:14):
relationship.
But I look back at thebeginning of our relationship
and why it struggled so much andneither one of us were putting
God at the center of ourmarriage.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
At the center of our life.
We believed in God.
We knew God existed.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
We had had experiences with God.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
But we weren't really , you know, focused on Him and
allowing Him to lead and directus.
And so, for the first thingthat has to happen is you've got
to realize God is in control,and when God is in control, I'm
allowing God to make thosedecisions for me.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
So it takes three, it takes God to be part of that.
And then you know you look at arope and you had the three
strand rope.
Three corded rope is a lotstronger and can't be broken and
that all ties back into puttingGod in the relationship with
(04:19):
you.
So when we look at that and howthat looks on earth, genesis
2.24 says that man shall leavehis mother and father and cleave
to his wife.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
And it goes both ways .
The woman will leave her motherand father and cleave to her
husband, and that word cleavethere means like conjoined glued
together, that nothing willseparate.
(04:59):
But so many times, the firstthing that will separate the two
from becoming one are ourfamilies that we're supposed to
be leaving.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Those outside influences that we take to heart
too much.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
And I think a lot of it comes natural, because when
you do get married, most likelyyou're younger.
Some people wait until later onin life to get married, but for
the most part, you're prettyyoung when you get married, and
when you get married, you'removing out and you're living on
your own for the first time.
(05:34):
You're doing all these thingson your own for the first time,
and when you come to somethingthat you don't know, it's only
natural instinct that you turnto the people that you've always
turned to for guidance anddirection.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
And so we turn to parents most often, or we turn
to grandparents, if thegrandparents raised us, whatever
it is.
But you turn to those thingsfor the direction, for the
(06:09):
direction, and when you do thatand I know this happened in our
case, so I'm going to assume,since it happened in our
situation- it most likelyhappens in most of the situation
.
Most of the couples you know dothis, and I love your mom to
death.
But there were times when youand I were making decisions
about where to move uh, what todo with this job, how to, how to
do this with our son, andwhatever it might be, you would
(06:34):
turn to your mom I would and seewhere I messed up is.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
I can turn to her for that advice.
But where it should have endedwas I got that advice and I came
to you and you and I discussedit and made a decision together.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
But a lot of times what happened is her advice
would oftentimes be opposite ofwhat my thoughts were and
instead of, like you said,instead of you coming to that
and presenting that to me youknow you had it made up in your
(07:08):
mind before you ever came to methat that's what you were going
to do, because Mama said Rightand the fact that you know you
weren't following God at thatpoint.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I wasn't following God at that point.
I was in my 20s and early 20s.
You were mid-20s, late 20s.
We weren't established enoughor experienced enough and we
made a lot of mistakes that welook back now on and regret I
mean.
One that sticks out to me is Ihomeschooled our son and,
(07:42):
through family and listening tofamily, against my wishes, I put
him in public school and I lookback on that now, at almost 40,
and it bothers me well, I mean,there's nothing you can do
about that now no, but I'msaying, if I, if I would have
realized, I wouldn't havelistened.
(08:04):
You know what I mean.
I would have.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
And you hit on something else that when you are
making decisions and it tiesback to it takes three to make
two become one.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
When each person is following God's will and
direction for their life.
It makes it makes it a loteasier for your spouse to say,
okay, my husband is followingGod.
I know that he has seeked God'swisdom.
(08:39):
I know that he has seeked God'sguidance for this and I'm going
to trust that when he sayslet's do this.
Or vice versa, when she says, Iknow, when it comes to you,
that it's a lot easier for menow to take into account what
you're bringing to the tableinstead of just dismissing it
(09:01):
immediately, because I know thatyou have seeked God's guidance
on the situation.
I know that you have spent timein prayer.
I know that you have spent timein the word.
You have spent time in prayer.
I know that you have spent timein the Word and I know that
that, whatever it is that you'rebringing to the table for that
discussion, for that decision tobe made, I know that you have
(09:28):
spent time with God Right, andvice versa.
You know the wives.
If they know that their husbandis doing that as well, it makes
it a lot easier for them to say, okay, I'm going to trust you,
but I'm only trusting youbecause I know you are trusting
God.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Right, and if there's times where your husband
backslides or your wifebackslides, you can feel that
and at that point you pray forthem and you come into unity
again.
That happens, I've seen ithappen, yeah, yeah.
So anyway, as far as this goes,what are other ways that we
(10:16):
become unified?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Well, I just think that I mean it's got to be
everything you do.
I mean, when you talk aboutconjoining together, everything
has to be unified.
We had this discussion withHayden last night at dinner.
But one of my biggest petpeeves are finances, and
(10:46):
finances are, you know, a majorcause for strife in marriages.
And I think the world tells uswell, that's easy, keep your
finances separate.
And you don't have to worryabout that.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
But that is my biggest grind when I hear a
husband and wife have differentchecking accounts and so-and-so
is responsible for the utilitybills, so-and-so is responsible
for mortgage and insurance.
They're each responsible fortheir own vehicle.
He has his account, she has heraccount.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Nobody knows what's in the other one's account.
They keep it separate.
That's not unity, that's justmalarkey.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
That's not unity, that's just malarkey.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
I mean, I you know, and on Venmo you can you know if
people make it public or not?
Even if it's public, you cansee when people send each other
money and I'll see husbands andwives sending each other money
and I'm like how does that evenhappen?
(11:54):
Because my debit card is linkedto the exact same checking
account that your debit card islinked to.
I might have a credit card inmy name, but you're an
authorized user.
You can look at everything.
You have your own card.
You have access to that creditline, just the same as I do, and
(12:14):
that goes for our personal andour business accounts, I mean
and so I think that finances area big part of it, and you know,
dave ramsey will tell you thatthat's one of the leading causes
for divorce is arguments overfinances.
And you know, you know one wayto a, one way to get rid of any
(12:38):
any doubt, any untrust, anythinglike that is for each spouse to
have complete access and knowexactly what's in that account
and where that money is andwhere that money is being
invested and where the money isgoing in full transparency.
But for you to not be able toshare finances, for you able to
(13:04):
keep things separate, to me thatjust it's almost like you have
an escape plan already in place.
I don't have to separate thatif something goes awry.
I've already got my money in myaccount, I've got my 401k, I've
got my savings account, mycar's in my name, not in my
(13:25):
husband's name, all this stuff.
But you're just settingyourself up for failure when you
do that.
Everything we have is ours.
If there's an account, ifthere's a car, whatever it is,
if we're buying something, bothof our names are on it and we
(13:52):
share it.
We share the debt.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
We share, we share everything, and I just I really
don't understand that whenpeople separate that if and
finances are a big part of ourlife here on Earth, and I mean,
if you're, if you're separatingthat, what else are you
(14:15):
separating?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Right and so and you brought up a couple of things.
You talked about trust.
I mean, that's an essential forbecoming one.
You have to trust that personin all aspects and in everything
.
So speak more on that, please.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Wow, Put me on the spot here.
Well, I mean and again it goesdoing that, when I know that God
(15:04):
is guiding your life, when youare spending your time in
communication with God, it makesit, I won't say a lot easier,
but it makes it.
It almost makes it impossiblenot to trust you.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Because if you are spending time in your
relationship with God and youare seeking His wisdom and His
guidance, for me to not trustyou is like I'm saying I don't
trust God.
Now, that takes trust in itselfthat you were in that
relationship with God itself,that you were in that
(15:58):
relationship with God, but whenGod is at the center of it and
things happen in real life thatcause trust to be broken, and
we've talked about that.
We've experienced that.
I mean going outside of themarriage for sexual
gratification, hiding money,lying about where we've been,
even if it you know.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
I'm so glad, let me say this I am so glad that I can
now be able to look at yourphone.
Your phone I have full accessto now, and that has brought us
closer.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Pastor.
Pastor talked about that acouple weeks ago and something.
I don't remember if it was asermon or what it was, but he
was talking about that and youknow my first thoughts were I
can actually do that now.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Right, and there was a time where your phone was like
glued to you.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
It was glued to me.
You didn't know my password.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
It was glued to me.
Speaker 1 (16:52):
You didn't know my password.
You know, the other day we wereat a restaurant eating lunch, I
think and I went to therestroom and I didn't realize
till I got back from therestroom that my phone was on
the table.
Yeah, left with you and you'relike somebody's texting you and
(17:16):
before.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
that would have triggered.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
Oh, I would have, I would have been, I would have
been scared to death Like whatdid she see?
And but now, just that.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
And that's how it is with every part of our life,
like we are completely open andhonest and each other's best
friends.
But it hasn't always been thatway.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
And it's only taken God A because we broke that
trust.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
But whenever you're going into a marriage and people
tell you trust is earned well,trust should be earned during
that dating period, right?
Well, trust should be earnedduring that dating period, right
.
And so when you go into amarriage after that dating
(18:06):
period, you should go into thatmarriage giving your spouse full
trust and, yes, if your spouseis up to no good, you will be
hurt, that trust will be broken,right, but I think that you
have to start that relationshipoff with trust.
(18:36):
So many people build up thosewalls and it takes years and
years and years for those wallsto come down Absolutely.
But the marriage should startoff with no walls and it's our
responsibility as the spouse tokeep those walls from being
built in the first place.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
And how do you do that?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Well, the first and foremost is full transparency.
Right, I used to get so I can'tthink of the right word for it
but you would.
I would think that you wouldovershare.
Oh, I'm going to do this, andthen I'm going to do this, and
(19:15):
I'm going to do this, and thenI'm going to go here and then
this is going to happen and I'mlike okay, live your life, be a
happy wife.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And I wouldn't share any of that.
I'd be like deuces I'm going towork.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
And that was it.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Right to work, mm-hmm , and that was it Right.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
And those walls you're talking about.
They started building, but ittook time for me to understand
and realize what you were doing.
And you had to tell me what youwere doing because I was a
little slow and I didn'tunderstand.
But you were being fullytransparent about what your day
was Right and not that you werehiding anything that you were
(20:02):
doing.
And I was the opposite and evenwhen I wasn't hiding anything,
even when I wasn't doinganything nefarious, right you
were still kind of secretive.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I was secretive because that was my life.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
I wasn't hiding anything, even when I wasn't
doing anything nefarious.
Right, you were still kind ofsecretive.
I was secretive because thatwas my life, that was my
interactions.
I wasn't going to tell you, oh,I'm going to lunch with
so-and-so today, or I've got ameeting with whoever you know.
I wouldn't share all of thatwith you.
And it wasn't like I said, itwasn't anything because I was
(20:37):
doing anything wrong.
It was just that that was mylife and those were my
relationships and those were mythings.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And the key word there is my, when it should be
our life.
You know you still have yourindependence in marriage and
your own things, but for themost part you are united in
things.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
So I think there's that.
I think there's that fulltransparency and you know it's.
It may not.
If somebody out there is likeme, Then it may not come easy,
but your spouse wants to knowwhat you're feeling, what you're
(21:19):
thinking, what you're doing.
And when you can be completelytransparent and completely
honest and open with that spouse, that'll help bring the
intimacy.
And when you talk aboutintimacy, I'm not just talking,
and I know you're not, but notjust from a sexual standpoint.
(21:39):
That intimacy.
That oneness, mm-hmm, thatsharing of our lives.
Right, and you hit it on thehead.
I was saying those were myrelationships, those were my,
you know, those were my.
But even though they wererelationships that were directly
(22:05):
related to me because we wereone Right, they were ours, even
if you really weren't a part ofthem.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
Right.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
They were still ours.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
And that's why, like when you had the business before
, I wasn't on any part of it,but I was there to help and I
was trying to support and Iwanted to be a part of it and
you pushed me out.
Now we have our own businesswhere I am just as much
ownership as you.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Well, it all goes back to the transparency.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
And you've gotten better.
You're almost either now.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
Thank you.
I mean I've been working on myweight a little bit, trying to
do a little here and there tolose some weight, so I'm glad
you're seeing those results andthe fruits of my labor.
But no, when you talk aboutbecoming one and you talk about
(23:15):
the trust and that ties back tothe finances too I trust you to
have access to all of our money.
I trust you to have access toeverything.
I trust you to have access to.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You even let me lay hands on you and speak over you
and all that, and before youbought that.
So oneness has been achieved.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Well, it's still a work in progress.
I don't think we are where weshould be, but we're definitely
not where we were.
We should be, but we'redefinitely not where we were.
And so when you talk aboutthose things two becoming one we
(24:06):
talked about, you have to haveGod at the center of it.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
We talked about, you know, leaving our parents and
beginning to think for our own.
And then you know, in that isfinances Raising children.
Raising children.
Trust and raising children isanother.
I mean, again you go back toopposites.
You had your viewpoints ondiscipline, I had my viewpoints
(24:40):
on discipline and we oftenargued about that, but again,
neither one of us were seekingGod's wisdom.
Now I personally think mine wascloser to God's will because my
parents were so focused ontheir relationship with God.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
And each other.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
And each other, whereas I didn't have any of
that, but we can get into childrearing at some point.
But I mean, that's another oneand it goes back to the key is
this If we're following God'swill, god's direction, we'll be
(25:31):
on the same page.
And if we're not on the samepage, somebody needs to go pray.
Somebody needs to get closer toGod.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
You need to go pray and ask him to take your issues
and change your mind and changeyour heart and change whatever
you're doing.
That's wrong and you need to doit together, because you could
both be wrong and he's the onlyone that can bring you into his
will and his purpose.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
So I mean I think that's the big takeaway here is,
in order to become one, you'vegot to have God at the center of
it.
And what does that look like?
I've said it probably 10 timesso far in this episode, but
first and foremost, you have tobe in a relationship with God.
(26:21):
You have to be seeking God'swill daily daily God's direction
for you and your family.
You have to be seeking that on adaily basis and knowing that
God is in control.
It just it takes away all ofthat insecurity that each person
(26:47):
brings into the relationship.
It takes away all of thatuntrust that each person brings
into the relationship.
And it does that becausewhenever you are in line with
God, whenever you are followingHis will, whenever you are
seeking the guidance of the HolySpirit, you are going to bear
(27:11):
the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Those fights don't happen.
Speaker 2 (27:18):
No.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
You might still disagree All the time, but the
fights don't happen.
The big blowups, the bigarguments, the hurtful words,
the hurtful words.
All of that doesn't happen ifyou're bearing the fruit of the
Spirit Love, joy, peace, kind,long-suffering.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Self-control.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Self-control.
All of that.
And it's a lot easier for twopeople to come together as one
if they're both bearing thosefruits.
Bearing those fruits and, realquick, two becoming one.
When we look at two individualsand each individual is out for
(28:06):
their own ie separate finances,I'm going to get my money, he's
going to get his money, whateverit might be.
My money, he's going to get hismoney, whatever it might be,
when those two become one.
And I just completely lost mytrain of thought where I was
(28:29):
going with that.
Oh, here we are.
Sorry, I was looking around andgot confused for a second, but
when, instead of looking out formyself if I'm looking out for
Darcy as much as I'm looking outfor Frank they say a marriage
(28:55):
takes 50-50.
A marriage takes 100-100.
It takes 100% on each end, ittakes me getting up in the
morning and saying what can I dofor Darcy today?
What can I do to make Darcy'sday better?
What can I do to make Darcy'sday easier?
What can I do to take this offof Darcy's plate?
(29:15):
And you're doing the same thing.
You're waking up.
What can I do to make Frank'sday better?
What can I do to make Frank'sday easier?
What can I do to take this offof Frank's plate.
When each spouse is doing that100% of the time and not looking
out for themselves but lookingout for the other looking out
(29:36):
for themselves but looking outfor the other you are going to
grow closer A you're going togrow closer because it might
open up your eyes a little bitas to what your spouse is facing
.
If you're trying to takesomething off of your spouse's
plate and you take on thatburden, you take on that
heaviness, and it might open upyour eyes to realize oh my, I
(29:59):
didn't realize they were dealingwith this, and not even on a
physical standpoint.
But I didn't know that theywere dealing with carrying this
emotion.
I didn't know that they weredealing with carrying this heavy
burden.
And so when you're doing thatand you're not focused on
yourself but you are focusedmore on your spouse, that'll
(30:21):
help you become one.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Right, it will, and it's taken us some time to get
to that point, but we, honestly,I can say, do both wake up with
that thought process and gothrough our day that way.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
So if there's one thing that we could encourage
our listeners to for theumpteenth time, I'm going to say
it put God first.
Seek God's will, seek God'sguidance, and just sit back and
wait and see.
Just start doing that and I'mnot saying it's going to happen
overnight.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
No.
It's going to take time Rightand you know, going into worship
together, praying together,reading the Bible together,
doing Bible studies together,that will help that come quicker
and you will both be on thesame page because you're
together in that.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
And that is a big one .
And we struggle to do that.
We've gotten better, but westill struggle to sit down on a
daily basis and pray with andfor each other.
Sit down on a daily basis andpray with and for each other,
sit down on a daily basis and doa Bible study together.
And Satan makes that awkwardand weird because he knows that
(31:52):
there is nothing, absolutelynothing, that will stop a
marriage, that will derail acouple if they are doing those
things.
And if you can do those thingson a daily basis with your
(32:12):
spouse, man, the intimacy thatwill come out of that.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
Absolutely.
It's hard to do a Bible studywith me, though, so I get where
you're coming from.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
I think we pretty much covered point one of
Darcy's top five keys to ahealthy, happy marriage, and
that being that the two shallbecome one, and how you get to
that.
And there's so much more howyou get to that, but the most
(32:54):
important is you're putting Godfirst.
Each person is putting Godfirst in their life, so when
that happens, if you're puttingGod first, you will gel together
.
You will become more like eachother.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
You will become one, and that brings power.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
And that brings power and A it brings happiness.
It does, and so I just want toencourage everybody that's
listening put God first.
Put God first with your spouseand just see where it takes you.
And thank y'all so much forlistening today.
We hope that you will tune innext week for our next episode
(33:45):
and our next key in Darcy's topfive keys to a healthy, happy
marriage.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.