April 23, 2025 • 25 mins
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Have you and your spouse drifted from passionate partners to practical roommates? For many men, that's exactly where we find ourselves - the sparks gone, connections dulled, and intimacy feeling more like a distant memory than daily reality. But there's hope in understanding a fundamental truth: passion doesn't die, it drifts.
This deeply personal exploration cuts through surface-level marriage advice to address what's really happening when men stop pursuing their own edge and growth. When we trade emotional authenticity for approval and hide behind "nice guy" behavior, we create the very disconnection we're trying to avoid. The missing ingredient isn't more date nights or better communication techniques - it's reclaiming our masculine presence.
Women crave men who can pierce their hearts with presence, not predictability. When a man becomes domesticated and avoids depth, his wife feels that loss physically and emotionally. The passion wanes not because of age or time but because his consciousness no longer leads her to that moment of connection.
Through practical wisdom drawn from David Deida, Robert Glover, and Jack Donovan's work, we explore how vulnerability fuels passion and why leading your marriage like a CEO kills attraction. You'll discover why the myth that passion should be spontaneous is holding you back and how comfort collapses the very polarity that creates desire.
The transformation starts when you stop asking "what happened to us?" and start asking "who do I need to become to reignite what we had?" Through emotional presence, reclaimed polarity, strategic disruption of routines, and reconnection to purpose, you can lead your marriage back to fire - not through manipulation, but through authentic leadership.
Ready to stop coasting and start leading your marriage with depth, strength and clarity? Take our free integrity challenge at members.theawakenedman.net and begin the journey back to the man you were meant to be.
Key moments in this episode:
01:48 The Reality of Modern Marriages
05:18 The Role of Masculine Presence
06:37 The Myth of Spontaneous Passion
08:26 Leading Your Marriage: Avoiding the CEO Trap
10:25 The Power of Vulnerability
12:39 A Story of Transformation: Ryan's Journey
16:39 Practical Tips for Reigniting Passion
21:53 Recommended Resources for Men
Thanks for listening to the Revolutionary Man Podcast. If you want more information about our programs, use the links below to check us out. It could be the step that changes your life.
Want to be a guest on The Revolutionary Man Podcast? Send Alain Dumonceaux a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/revolutionarymanpodcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
You didn't get married just to become roommates
, did we?
And we didn't say I do so?
We could eventually settle intoa life of quiet detachment,
daily logistics and staleaffection.
But for far too many of us men,that's exactly where we find
ourselves, isn't it?
The sparks are gone, theconnections dulled and intimacy
feels more like a memory reality.
(00:24):
And maybe your wife doesn't lookat you the way that she used to
, maybe you've stopped reachingfor her altogether, or maybe
you're just stuck and goingthrough the motions, wondering
if passion can actually comeback, or if this is just what
marriage is supposed to looklike after 10, 15, or 20 years.
But here's the truth, brotherPassion doesn't die, it drifts,
(00:48):
and in this episode we're goingto talk about what we can do to
bring it back.
Not through tricks, not throughmanipulation, but through
leadership, vulnerability andpursuit, because when a man
learns how to reignite passionin his marriage, he doesn't just
reconnect with his wife, hereconnects with himself.
Now, before we dive deeper intothis conversation, I want to
(01:10):
ask you to do one bold move and,if this topic hits home for you
, if you're tired of this slowdrift and want more for your
marriage, then just take twoseconds right now, hit that like
button and subscribe to thepodcast, because when men open
up, even just a little bit, itgives us permission to do the
same, and that's how the rippleeffect starts, isn't it?
(01:33):
And so it's about how we canbecome better husbands and
fathers and build strongerfamilies and deeper connections.
So don't just listen to today'sepisode.
Engage and let's raise thestandard together, and with that
, let's get on to today'sepisode.
Engage and let's raise astandard together, and with that
, let's get on with today'sepisode.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(02:13):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Stay strong, my brother.
So let's keep the momentumgoing here and let's take a
really fresh, emotionallyresonant part.
Well, welcome back.
I have a few questions for youto help really set the tone for
the conversation that we'reabout to have today.
When did you stop intentionallypursuing your wife, and how has
(02:46):
that decision, conscious or not, impacted the emotional and
physical intimacy in yourmarriage?
And so, if your marriagecontinues exactly as it is right
now, what will it look like infive years from now?
And is that the future thatyou're going to be proud of?
And the last question I have foryou is what would it take for
your wife to look at you withdesire once again, not
obligation, not familiarity, butgenuine fire, and are you
(03:10):
willing to become this man?
You know these questions arehere to really drive and reframe
what passion looks like in ourlives and to help us lead and
not wait for things to happen.
And so we're going to call outmost of the stuff that we are
afraid to admit to today.
And we didn't ask thesequestions not to come with any
(03:30):
easy answers, but here's thetruth.
That passion that you missedjust didn't disappear.
It's faded because we'vestopped feeding it.
And now is the time for us todo something about that.
So this isn't going to be aboutbig grand gestures or surface
level fixes you can get that onlots of areas but today it's
going to be about reclaimingyour role as a leader in your
(03:52):
marriage, and it's not going tolead through force.
We're going to lead throughpresence, we're going to lead
through purpose andvulnerability, and if you're
ready to reignite that fire,then I can't wait to continue
this conversation with you.
To reignite that fire, then Ican't wait to continue this
conversation with you.
And so let's get into thisconversation about how passion
just doesn't die and how itdrifts.
(04:13):
And so some of the work we dohere with the Revolutionary man
and our Band of Brothers groupprogram is we do use the
foundation of Dr Robert Glover'sbook, and he says in his no
More, mr Nice Guy.
Nice guys are men who believethat they are good and they will
still be loved, get their needsmet and have a smooth life.
(04:33):
But really, when we tradeemotional authenticity for
approval over time, what ends upby happening is we have this
self-suppression.
That's going on and it createsdisconnection, creates
resentment and emotionalpassivity, especially when it
comes to our most importantrelationship that we can have,
which is with our spouse.
And so when we think that if wejust don't rock the boat, then
(04:57):
we're going to end, we maintainpeace, the idea of happy life,
happy wife.
When we do that, it ultimatelymeans what we're doing is that
we're sinking our own desires.
And so when that happens in,our relationship truly slowly
starts to drift from passion andbecomes more rooted in
emotional disengagement, becausewe're masking it by being
polite.
(05:18):
But what we often miss and thisis some information that david
dieta talks about is I didn'treally understand what this was
all about until I really startedto dive into his work, and
because he's going to argue thata woman craves a man who can
pierce her heart with presence,not predictability, and so when
a man becomes domesticated andavoids depth, then she feels the
(05:41):
loss in her body as well.
So passion wanes, not becauseof age or time.
It fades when his consciousnessno longer leads her to that
moment.
And so what's an example thatwe can look at?
And what I really think abouttalking about this is framing
masculinity around strength andcourage and mastery and honor.
(06:03):
Strength and courage andmastery and honor.
And so, in marriage, when westop pursuing our personal edge
and our growth, then we lose thevery masculine energy that our
wife is biologically drawn to.
So the killer zone for ourmarriage is when we become safe.
But then we're also prettyforgettable, aren't we?
And so reclaiming passion meansreclaiming that fire, that fire
(06:23):
that doesn't drift, but itburns or it fades.
And so it's about what are youpassionate about in life, and
are you living and pursuing it?
If we start doing that, thenyou'll start to see the passion
rise in her as well.
The next point I want to talkabout in today's episode is the
myth that passion is supposed tobe spontaneous.
(06:43):
And while there's spontaneityin every relationship, it's
truly a myth to think that's howpassion is.
And so, again, I'll reach intoDavid DeAda's work here, and he
says if you want real passion,you must be willing to risk
everything for love.
You must be willing tosurrender your comfort to step
into the fire of its intensity.
The myth of spontaneity isbelieving that relationship
(07:07):
thrives in sameness, when inactual fact both masculine and
feminine energies thrive inpolarity, not sameness.
And so think of it this wayOver time, comfort collapses,
polarity doesn't it, and when westop leading, she stops
following.
Sexual chemistry turns intofriendly coexistence.
(07:28):
It's the dreaded friend zone.
And so passion is notaccidental.
It's a byproduct of ourenergetic tension.
And so what are we missing here?
What is it that's happening forus in our lives?
For many of us, we avoidtension because we don't want to
upset our partner, so we stopteasing, leading, initiating,
and so we become passive.
(07:49):
But the absence of healthytension makes the relationship
feel flat, and so to reigniteattraction, we must become a
source of intentional challenge,not passive comfort.
And so the cure, according toDonovan David Donovan's work, is
men need to live at the edge ofrisk and discomfort.
And so the cure, according toDonovan David Donovan's work, is
men need to live at the edge ofrisk and discomfort, and
because a man who plays it safein every area of life is going
(08:12):
to become invisible at home aswell as in his own life.
And when you live fullyemotionally, physically and
spiritually, we're going tobring that energy into the
bedroom, and that's where truepassion lives.
So the third point I'd like tobring up in today's episode is
why leading our marriage like aCEO is a huge mistake.
(08:34):
Again, lean on David Data'squote here a man must love his
woman, but his place is highestpurpose above her.
So we must love our women, butplace our highest purpose above
her.
And so when we lose sexualpolarity is when we put our
relationship above our purpose,and how many of us, me included
(08:58):
here, have done that.
When we put our wife as of themission of our lives, then we
unconsciously expect her tovalidate who we are as men, our
masculinity and our identity.
But a woman isn't meant to dothat.
She's not meant to be oursource of our direction.
She's meant to be inspired byour direction.
(09:19):
And so, in this instance, whatwe're really missing when this
happens is that we tend toover-function our relationships.
So we do that by doing more,fixing more, managing more.
This is really based inGlover's work, and when we do
this, we hope that we're goingto get appreciated for this work
(09:39):
.
But it's a dynamic that killsattraction.
She doesn't want a manager, andshe sure doesn't want a man who
can both lead himself andinvite her into shared vision
without control.
So let me say that again whatshe really wants is a man who
(09:59):
can both lead himself and inviteher into the shared vision
without control.
Here's an example Ourmasculinity is forged in mission
and in tribe, and when weabandon the challenge of comfort
, we become domesticated.
On the other hand, a man whomaintains his edge, his ambition
, his purpose, brings heat intoevery room, including his
marriage, and she doesn't wantyour cedar checklist, she wants
(10:26):
our fire, gentlemen, the fourthpoint about this entire
conversation is howvulnerability truly fuels
passion, and so our edge is ourtruth, and our vulnerability is
going to be our depth, and sothe point here is something that
I've struggled with myself, andmaybe you're going to
understand this as well, workingwith Deida's work.
He teaches that a woman yearnsfor a man who can open her
(10:49):
emotionally, spiritually,spiritually and sexually, and
that truly starts with him beingopen to himself.
And in that previous episode, Iremember talking about
surrendering our ego tosomething greater than who we
are.
And so, in terms of generatingpassion, being vulnerable, when
embodied with grounded strength,becomes an invitation for
intimacy, and so it says that Itrust myself enough to be seen,
(11:14):
and that is truly magnetic,gentlemen.
And so what are we missing herewhen we think about
vulnerability?
What's going on here is that wetypically think of, as men,
that if we hide our emotionbecause we've been taught that
vulnerability is going to equalweakness, haven't we?
But emotional honesty andhere's the key without
victimhood, truly builds trust.
(11:35):
And so when a man owns hisinsecurities without collapsing
into them, he becomes deeplyattractive and emotionally
available.
And so, in other words, wevalue stoicism, but we also
honor tribal loyalty.
A man's bond with his people isgoing to be this way that we
(11:56):
can become vulnerable.
In this context, it isn'treally about being weak, it's
about having strategic openness.
And so when we can shareauthentically, then we can forge
trust, we can forge emotionalconnection, both essential for
igniting not just passion butalso purpose in our lives.
And so when we really look atintegrating these teachings from
(12:21):
folks like Dr Glover and Deidaand Donovan, we're just going to
look at how we can reframe notjust this passion discussion
about passion but it's also aframework for us to be able to
really align ourselves with ourmasculine essence.
And so I'd like to tell you astory about Ryan.
(12:41):
Ryan's a 43-year-oldentrepreneur, he's a father of
two and he's been married for 16years.
And from the outside, thingslook pretty solid for Ryan and
he's been married for 16 years,and from the outside, things
looked pretty solid for RyanBusiness is growing, kids are
healthy and he had a clean houseand everything was working out
really fine, really well.
But behind the bedroom door,everything was cold, intimacy
was rare, passion had gone andevery attempt to connect felt
(13:06):
like going through the motions.
And so he told himself thatthis is just what happens.
It's a long-term marriage anddeep down he missed her, not
just the sex, but her eyeslighting up her playfulness, her
desire, and, more than that, hemissed the man he used to be.
(13:26):
And so it came to one eveningwhen everything got cracked wide
open and he made a sarcasticcomment over dinner and she
replied I don't even know whoyou are anymore.
You know the arrow shot throughthe heart there.
Gentlemen, it wasn't said inanger, it was worse, it was said
in indifference.
And that night is when Ryan satin his truck outside of his home
(13:49):
for about an hour staring atthe steering wheel, something he
knew had died and he knew he'dlet that happen.
This wasn't.
This was truly his mirrormoment.
He wasn't showing up as a lover, he was managing the marriage
just like he did a business, andhe, he had become nice.
So he was predictable,efficient, emotionally neutered,
(14:12):
and Dr Clover would have calledhim.
He was the nice guy, avoidingconflict, pleasing others and
secretly building resentment.
He wasn't being rejected, hewas being ignored, and that's
the worst part of what washitting him.
And so Ryan had to make adecision, didn't he?
He couldn't wait anymore forher to change.
(14:33):
He would lead that change, andso he visited the man that he
first met.
He was driven.
That man was confident, he wasgrounded in his purpose and he
reread the way of the superiorman and underlined every line
about masculine presence andpolarity.
He joined a men's group, hehired a coach, he started
working out again, and not forlooks, but to reclaim his
(14:56):
strength.
He unplugged from the numbnessand started to lead with clarity
and not with control.
And so he stopped managing hiswife and he started pursuing her
, not with pressure but withpresence, not for sex but for
connection.
He planned a weekend away, heflirted again, he asked her what
made her feel desired, and thenhe actually listened.
(15:19):
Go figure.
But this change just didn'thappen overnight and everything
was just instantly better.
But it was real.
It was real because after weeksof being consistent, and that's
the was real, because afterweeks of being consistent, and
that's the key, gentlemen.
Weeks of being consistent,things started to shift, and it
was one night when she actuallyreached for his hand first, and
(15:40):
then another night, she leanedinto him onto the couch and
whispered the passion isn't areturn because he demanded it.
It returned because he becamethe man who evokes it.
He wasn't just a nice guyanymore.
He was strong, emotionallyavailable, spiritually grounded,
and he reclaimed his polarity.
He rebalanced power and, mostimportantly, he stopped asking
(16:03):
what happened to us and startedasking who do I need to become
to reignite what we had?
And then he answered it withaction.
And so reigniting passion isn'tabout tips and tricks.
It's going to be about takingownership, isn't it?
And so when we stop seekingvalidation, we stop blaming and
start leading from emotionalstrength and spiritual depth,
(16:25):
then our marriages willtransform.
Not because she wants change,then our marriages will
transform, not because she wantschange, but because we want it,
and I like this quote when aman loves a woman, she becomes
his greatest reflection.
So here are a few practical tipsfor reigniting passion in your
marriage, and the first tip Iwant to give you is lead with
(16:48):
emotional presence, not problemsolving.
And so for many of us,especially if we're high
performers, we follow the trapof solving our wife's concerns
rather than feeling them.
But when we lead with presence,not logic, then we can show up
as grounded masculine energythat she can relax into.
But the mistake most of us aregoing to make is that we're
(17:09):
going to interrupt her withsolutions instead of sitting in
the moment.
That's what kills connection.
It says your emotions are aproblem to fix, not here, I'm
for you.
And so tonight, when your wifeopens up to you, even about
something small, just pause,make eye contact with her and
(17:30):
say tell me more.
That phrase alone is going todisarm her defenses and invites
her into emotional closeness.
So tip number two want toreignite polarity by reclaiming
your edge.
So if you've become too passive, too equalized and too
(17:53):
predictable, you've likelycollapsed polarity.
And so she wants our depth andour direction, not just that.
The chores are being done.
And so the mistake that most ofus are going to make is that
we're going to still try to benice by avoiding any type of
dominance or what could beperceived as dominance, by
taking the back seat or actuallyeven just seeking approval, and
then that's going to neutralizeany energy that you're trying
(18:15):
to develop, and so instead, youwant to reclaim your masculine
edge, and you can do that bymaking a plan for the weekend
without asking her.
Touch base with her confidence,not caution.
Hold strong eye contact andlead the moment.
Show her the weight of yourpresence.
There's a key point in there,and that's making sure you're
(18:36):
holding strong eye contact, notdrifting away.
And so point number three, ortip number three for you, a
strategy, is to break theroutine with strategic
disruption, and so Jack Donovantalks about that.
Masculinity thrives inchallenges, and so comfort's
going to breed complacency, andpassion dies when we have too
(18:59):
much routine.
A relationship really needs newfire.
It also needs If you were justgoing to wait for Valentine's
Day or an anniversary orbirthday and don't do something
intentional, then passiondoesn't have an opportunity to
live on and outside of specificcalendar dates, and so true
passion lives in beingunpredictable.
(19:19):
And so this week, a task foryou is to disrupt your routine.
Send her a voice note duringyour workday telling her what
you love about her.
Lead this with energy back intothe relationship.
Don't wait for something tohappen.
Initiate the action, and stepfour, or tip number four here is
restore your sexual polaritywithout pressure, and so sexual
(19:44):
connection is often the symptom,not the root.
And so if she doesn't feelemotionally safe or
energetically led, sex becomes achore, not a craving, and so
reigniting passion meansbuilding trust.
Affectionate.
When it's tied to initiatingsex, then that really conditions
(20:07):
her to brace, because she knowswhat's going to happen next and
doesn't encourage her to leanin.
And so, for the next seven days, initiate non-sexual touch
daily a hand on her lower back,a kiss on the neck, holding her
hand in public, anything likethis, without any agenda, and
then just watch what happenswhen her nervous system starts
(20:29):
to trust again.
This is going to take a littletime to build.
Tip number five you got torevisit your purpose and then
invite her into it.
Your mission must be biggerthan our marriage.
Your wife wants to feelincluded in the life that you're
building, and so when you stopchasing mission, she stops
(20:50):
chasing you when she sees youleading with purpose.
And so be careful here, becausethe mistake that we may tend to
make is treating her like acoworker or a roommate instead
of the woman you're invitinginto something meaningful.
And so how do you do that youcan share a vision with her
about your business, about yourfaith or your legacy.
(21:11):
Ask her opinion, let her feelyour fire.
Women respond to a man who's onfire with purpose, and so
building reigniting passionreally starts with reclaiming
our own roles, doesn't it?
And it's not just about as ahusband or a provider, but it's
as being grounded, emotionallyattuned and spiritually aligned
(21:33):
man who really feels seen, safeand desired.
And everything we've talkedabout today isn't just tactics
and they're not hacks.
About today isn't just tacticsand they're not hacks.
It's our habits of being atruly masculine leader who
chooses going to chooseconnection over comfort and
leadership over passivity.
And so I've got some resourcesfor you today.
(21:55):
There's a way of the superiorman by david deida is an
excellent book.
It's a cornerstone for trulyunderstanding masculine and
feminine polarity, spiritual,and how to really stay deeply
connected to purpose whileleading your relationship.
And it's truly an essentialread for any man who's looking
to reclaim his edge withoutlosing his emotional depth.
(22:18):
No More, mr Nice Guy.
By Dr Robert Glover isexcellent.
It's going to be a reallyrevealing book for you I know it
was for me About howunconsciously we're sabotaging
intimacy by always seekingapproval and avoiding conflict.
He's going to provide you witha framework on how to break free
from that passivity and stepinto true, authentic leadership,
(22:38):
the Way of the Superior man, orthe Way of Men, I should say,
by Jack Donovan.
It's really a primalperspective on masculinity,
rooted in strength, courage,mastery and honor.
And while it's notrelationship-focused, it will
provide you with a valuablereminder of what it means to
carry masculine fire into everydomain of your life, including
(22:58):
your marriages.
Mating in Captivity.
And this is by Esther Perel andI have to tell you you it's one
of the most insightful books,as it really explores the
tension between domesticity anderoticism.
And this book is going toreally dismantle a lot of myths
about sex in the long-termrelationships and provide
actionable shifts to trulyreawaken desire for new in your
(23:23):
relationship.
And the last one I'll offer youis Hold Me Tight, by Dr Sue
Johnson, and it's really for menwho want to improve emotional
connection without losing ourmasculine strength.
And this book's going to offera blueprint for attachment,
bonding and creating lastingintimacy through emotional
safety.
(23:43):
At the end of the day,reigniting passion in our
marriage isn't about fixing her.
It's going to be aboutreclaiming ourselves.
It's about becoming the kind ofman who doesn't wait for
passion to lead, but he leadswith fire.
And passion doesn't die in amarriage because of age or time.
It fades because we stopshowing up with presence,
purpose and a pursuit.
(24:04):
So you don't need to becomesomebody new, gentlemen.
We just need to return to theman we were before.
We stopped leading and startedleading with our heart and our
edge and our wife's sittingthere.
She's waiting for us, not forflowers or a date night, but for
us to put our energy, ourvision and ourselves on fire,
(24:24):
and that's the best part.
And when we lead from thatplace, she just doesn't respond.
She's going to come totallyalive with you.
And so if today's episode hashit home for you, gentlemen, if
you're ready to stop coastingand start leading your marriage
with depth, strength and clarity, then I'm going to ask you to
take another step with us.
Go to memberstheawakenedmannetand complete our free integrity
(24:47):
challenge.
It isn't just a quiz, it's amirror.
It's going to help show youexactly where you are drifted
and where you're disconnected,and where you can start leading
from a place of alignment,because passion isn't about
intimacy, it's truly aboutintegrity.
If you're serious aboutreigniting not just your own
marriage but your mission as aman, then don't wait, just go
(25:09):
visit the site, take thechallenge, lead with fire, live
with integrity, and I'll see youon the next episode of the
Revolutionary man Podcast.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Thank you so much for joining me, aho thank you for
listening to the revolutionaryman podcast.
Are you ready to own yourdestiny, to become more the man
(25:37):
you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
You didn't get married just to become roommates
, did we?
And we didn't say I do so?
We could eventually settle intoa life of quiet detachment,
daily logistics and staleaffection.
But for far too many of us men,that's exactly where we find
ourselves, isn't it?
The sparks are gone, theconnections dulled and intimacy
feels more like a memory reality.
(00:24):
And maybe your wife doesn't lookat you the way that she used to
, maybe you've stopped reachingfor her altogether, or maybe
you're just stuck and goingthrough the motions, wondering
if passion can actually comeback, or if this is just what
marriage is supposed to looklike after 10, 15, or 20 years.
But here's the truth, brotherPassion doesn't die, it drifts,
(00:48):
and in this episode we're goingto talk about what we can do to
bring it back.
Not through tricks, not throughmanipulation, but through
leadership, vulnerability andpursuit, because when a man
learns how to reignite passionin his marriage, he doesn't just
reconnect with his wife, hereconnects with himself.
Now, before we dive deeper intothis conversation, I want to
(01:10):
ask you to do one bold move and,if this topic hits home for you
, if you're tired of this slowdrift and want more for your
marriage, then just take twoseconds right now, hit that like
button and subscribe to thepodcast, because when men open
up, even just a little bit, itgives us permission to do the
same, and that's how the rippleeffect starts, isn't it?
(01:33):
And so it's about how we canbecome better husbands and
fathers and build strongerfamilies and deeper connections.
So don't just listen to today'sepisode.
Engage and let's raise thestandard together, and with that
, let's get on to today'sepisode.
Engage and let's raise astandard together, and with that
, let's get on with today'sepisode.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(02:13):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Stay strong, my brother.
So let's keep the momentumgoing here and let's take a
really fresh, emotionallyresonant part.
Well, welcome back.
I have a few questions for youto help really set the tone for
the conversation that we'reabout to have today.
When did you stop intentionallypursuing your wife, and how has
(02:46):
that decision, conscious or not, impacted the emotional and
physical intimacy in yourmarriage?
And so, if your marriagecontinues exactly as it is right
now, what will it look like infive years from now?
And is that the future thatyou're going to be proud of?
And the last question I have foryou is what would it take for
your wife to look at you withdesire once again, not
obligation, not familiarity, butgenuine fire, and are you
(03:10):
willing to become this man?
You know these questions arehere to really drive and reframe
what passion looks like in ourlives and to help us lead and
not wait for things to happen.
And so we're going to call outmost of the stuff that we are
afraid to admit to today.
And we didn't ask thesequestions not to come with any
(03:30):
easy answers, but here's thetruth.
That passion that you missedjust didn't disappear.
It's faded because we'vestopped feeding it.
And now is the time for us todo something about that.
So this isn't going to be aboutbig grand gestures or surface
level fixes you can get that onlots of areas but today it's
going to be about reclaimingyour role as a leader in your
(03:52):
marriage, and it's not going tolead through force.
We're going to lead throughpresence, we're going to lead
through purpose andvulnerability, and if you're
ready to reignite that fire,then I can't wait to continue
this conversation with you.
To reignite that fire, then Ican't wait to continue this
conversation with you.
And so let's get into thisconversation about how passion
just doesn't die and how itdrifts.
(04:13):
And so some of the work we dohere with the Revolutionary man
and our Band of Brothers groupprogram is we do use the
foundation of Dr Robert Glover'sbook, and he says in his no
More, mr Nice Guy.
Nice guys are men who believethat they are good and they will
still be loved, get their needsmet and have a smooth life.
(04:33):
But really, when we tradeemotional authenticity for
approval over time, what ends upby happening is we have this
self-suppression.
That's going on and it createsdisconnection, creates
resentment and emotionalpassivity, especially when it
comes to our most importantrelationship that we can have,
which is with our spouse.
And so when we think that if wejust don't rock the boat, then
(04:57):
we're going to end, we maintainpeace, the idea of happy life,
happy wife.
When we do that, it ultimatelymeans what we're doing is that
we're sinking our own desires.
And so when that happens in,our relationship truly slowly
starts to drift from passion andbecomes more rooted in
emotional disengagement, becausewe're masking it by being
polite.
(05:18):
But what we often miss and thisis some information that david
dieta talks about is I didn'treally understand what this was
all about until I really startedto dive into his work, and
because he's going to argue thata woman craves a man who can
pierce her heart with presence,not predictability, and so when
a man becomes domesticated andavoids depth, then she feels the
(05:41):
loss in her body as well.
So passion wanes, not becauseof age or time.
It fades when his consciousnessno longer leads her to that
moment.
And so what's an example thatwe can look at?
And what I really think abouttalking about this is framing
masculinity around strength andcourage and mastery and honor.
(06:03):
Strength and courage andmastery and honor.
And so, in marriage, when westop pursuing our personal edge
and our growth, then we lose thevery masculine energy that our
wife is biologically drawn to.
So the killer zone for ourmarriage is when we become safe.
But then we're also prettyforgettable, aren't we?
And so reclaiming passion meansreclaiming that fire, that fire
(06:23):
that doesn't drift, but itburns or it fades.
And so it's about what are youpassionate about in life, and
are you living and pursuing it?
If we start doing that, thenyou'll start to see the passion
rise in her as well.
The next point I want to talkabout in today's episode is the
myth that passion is supposed tobe spontaneous.
(06:43):
And while there's spontaneityin every relationship, it's
truly a myth to think that's howpassion is.
And so, again, I'll reach intoDavid DeAda's work here, and he
says if you want real passion,you must be willing to risk
everything for love.
You must be willing tosurrender your comfort to step
into the fire of its intensity.
The myth of spontaneity isbelieving that relationship
(07:07):
thrives in sameness, when inactual fact both masculine and
feminine energies thrive inpolarity, not sameness.
And so think of it this wayOver time, comfort collapses,
polarity doesn't it, and when westop leading, she stops
following.
Sexual chemistry turns intofriendly coexistence.
(07:28):
It's the dreaded friend zone.
And so passion is notaccidental.
It's a byproduct of ourenergetic tension.
And so what are we missing here?
What is it that's happening forus in our lives?
For many of us, we avoidtension because we don't want to
upset our partner, so we stopteasing, leading, initiating,
and so we become passive.
(07:49):
But the absence of healthytension makes the relationship
feel flat, and so to reigniteattraction, we must become a
source of intentional challenge,not passive comfort.
And so the cure, according toDonovan David Donovan's work, is
men need to live at the edge ofrisk and discomfort.
And so the cure, according toDonovan David Donovan's work, is
men need to live at the edge ofrisk and discomfort, and
because a man who plays it safein every area of life is going
(08:12):
to become invisible at home aswell as in his own life.
And when you live fullyemotionally, physically and
spiritually, we're going tobring that energy into the
bedroom, and that's where truepassion lives.
So the third point I'd like tobring up in today's episode is
why leading our marriage like aCEO is a huge mistake.
(08:34):
Again, lean on David Data'squote here a man must love his
woman, but his place is highestpurpose above her.
So we must love our women, butplace our highest purpose above
her.
And so when we lose sexualpolarity is when we put our
relationship above our purpose,and how many of us, me included
(08:58):
here, have done that.
When we put our wife as of themission of our lives, then we
unconsciously expect her tovalidate who we are as men, our
masculinity and our identity.
But a woman isn't meant to dothat.
She's not meant to be oursource of our direction.
She's meant to be inspired byour direction.
(09:19):
And so, in this instance, whatwe're really missing when this
happens is that we tend toover-function our relationships.
So we do that by doing more,fixing more, managing more.
This is really based inGlover's work, and when we do
this, we hope that we're goingto get appreciated for this work
(09:39):
.
But it's a dynamic that killsattraction.
She doesn't want a manager, andshe sure doesn't want a man who
can both lead himself andinvite her into shared vision
without control.
So let me say that again whatshe really wants is a man who
(09:59):
can both lead himself and inviteher into the shared vision
without control.
Here's an example Ourmasculinity is forged in mission
and in tribe, and when weabandon the challenge of comfort
, we become domesticated.
On the other hand, a man whomaintains his edge, his ambition
, his purpose, brings heat intoevery room, including his
marriage, and she doesn't wantyour cedar checklist, she wants
(10:26):
our fire, gentlemen, the fourthpoint about this entire
conversation is howvulnerability truly fuels
passion, and so our edge is ourtruth, and our vulnerability is
going to be our depth, and sothe point here is something that
I've struggled with myself, andmaybe you're going to
understand this as well, workingwith Deida's work.
He teaches that a woman yearnsfor a man who can open her
(10:49):
emotionally, spiritually,spiritually and sexually, and
that truly starts with him beingopen to himself.
And in that previous episode, Iremember talking about
surrendering our ego tosomething greater than who we
are.
And so, in terms of generatingpassion, being vulnerable, when
embodied with grounded strength,becomes an invitation for
intimacy, and so it says that Itrust myself enough to be seen,
(11:14):
and that is truly magnetic,gentlemen.
And so what are we missing herewhen we think about
vulnerability?
What's going on here is that wetypically think of, as men,
that if we hide our emotionbecause we've been taught that
vulnerability is going to equalweakness, haven't we?
But emotional honesty andhere's the key without
victimhood, truly builds trust.
(11:35):
And so when a man owns hisinsecurities without collapsing
into them, he becomes deeplyattractive and emotionally
available.
And so, in other words, wevalue stoicism, but we also
honor tribal loyalty.
A man's bond with his people isgoing to be this way that we
(11:56):
can become vulnerable.
In this context, it isn'treally about being weak, it's
about having strategic openness.
And so when we can shareauthentically, then we can forge
trust, we can forge emotionalconnection, both essential for
igniting not just passion butalso purpose in our lives.
And so when we really look atintegrating these teachings from
(12:21):
folks like Dr Glover and Deidaand Donovan, we're just going to
look at how we can reframe notjust this passion discussion
about passion but it's also aframework for us to be able to
really align ourselves with ourmasculine essence.
And so I'd like to tell you astory about Ryan.
(12:41):
Ryan's a 43-year-oldentrepreneur, he's a father of
two and he's been married for 16years.
And from the outside, thingslook pretty solid for Ryan and
he's been married for 16 years,and from the outside, things
looked pretty solid for RyanBusiness is growing, kids are
healthy and he had a clean houseand everything was working out
really fine, really well.
But behind the bedroom door,everything was cold, intimacy
was rare, passion had gone andevery attempt to connect felt
(13:06):
like going through the motions.
And so he told himself thatthis is just what happens.
It's a long-term marriage anddeep down he missed her, not
just the sex, but her eyeslighting up her playfulness, her
desire, and, more than that, hemissed the man he used to be.
(13:26):
And so it came to one eveningwhen everything got cracked wide
open and he made a sarcasticcomment over dinner and she
replied I don't even know whoyou are anymore.
You know the arrow shot throughthe heart there.
Gentlemen, it wasn't said inanger, it was worse, it was said
in indifference.
And that night is when Ryan satin his truck outside of his home
(13:49):
for about an hour staring atthe steering wheel, something he
knew had died and he knew he'dlet that happen.
This wasn't.
This was truly his mirrormoment.
He wasn't showing up as a lover, he was managing the marriage
just like he did a business, andhe, he had become nice.
So he was predictable,efficient, emotionally neutered,
(14:12):
and Dr Clover would have calledhim.
He was the nice guy, avoidingconflict, pleasing others and
secretly building resentment.
He wasn't being rejected, hewas being ignored, and that's
the worst part of what washitting him.
And so Ryan had to make adecision, didn't he?
He couldn't wait anymore forher to change.
(14:33):
He would lead that change, andso he visited the man that he
first met.
He was driven.
That man was confident, he wasgrounded in his purpose and he
reread the way of the superiorman and underlined every line
about masculine presence andpolarity.
He joined a men's group, hehired a coach, he started
working out again, and not forlooks, but to reclaim his
(14:56):
strength.
He unplugged from the numbnessand started to lead with clarity
and not with control.
And so he stopped managing hiswife and he started pursuing her
, not with pressure but withpresence, not for sex but for
connection.
He planned a weekend away, heflirted again, he asked her what
made her feel desired, and thenhe actually listened.
(15:19):
Go figure.
But this change just didn'thappen overnight and everything
was just instantly better.
But it was real.
It was real because after weeksof being consistent, and that's
the was real, because afterweeks of being consistent, and
that's the key, gentlemen.
Weeks of being consistent,things started to shift, and it
was one night when she actuallyreached for his hand first, and
(15:40):
then another night, she leanedinto him onto the couch and
whispered the passion isn't areturn because he demanded it.
It returned because he becamethe man who evokes it.
He wasn't just a nice guyanymore.
He was strong, emotionallyavailable, spiritually grounded,
and he reclaimed his polarity.
He rebalanced power and, mostimportantly, he stopped asking
(16:03):
what happened to us and startedasking who do I need to become
to reignite what we had?
And then he answered it withaction.
And so reigniting passion isn'tabout tips and tricks.
It's going to be about takingownership, isn't it?
And so when we stop seekingvalidation, we stop blaming and
start leading from emotionalstrength and spiritual depth,
(16:25):
then our marriages willtransform.
Not because she wants change,then our marriages will
transform, not because she wantschange, but because we want it,
and I like this quote when aman loves a woman, she becomes
his greatest reflection.
So here are a few practical tipsfor reigniting passion in your
marriage, and the first tip Iwant to give you is lead with
(16:48):
emotional presence, not problemsolving.
And so for many of us,especially if we're high
performers, we follow the trapof solving our wife's concerns
rather than feeling them.
But when we lead with presence,not logic, then we can show up
as grounded masculine energythat she can relax into.
But the mistake most of us aregoing to make is that we're
(17:09):
going to interrupt her withsolutions instead of sitting in
the moment.
That's what kills connection.
It says your emotions are aproblem to fix, not here, I'm
for you.
And so tonight, when your wifeopens up to you, even about
something small, just pause,make eye contact with her and
(17:30):
say tell me more.
That phrase alone is going todisarm her defenses and invites
her into emotional closeness.
So tip number two want toreignite polarity by reclaiming
your edge.
So if you've become too passive, too equalized and too
(17:53):
predictable, you've likelycollapsed polarity.
And so she wants our depth andour direction, not just that.
The chores are being done.
And so the mistake that most ofus are going to make is that
we're going to still try to benice by avoiding any type of
dominance or what could beperceived as dominance, by
taking the back seat or actuallyeven just seeking approval, and
then that's going to neutralizeany energy that you're trying
(18:15):
to develop, and so instead, youwant to reclaim your masculine
edge, and you can do that bymaking a plan for the weekend
without asking her.
Touch base with her confidence,not caution.
Hold strong eye contact andlead the moment.
Show her the weight of yourpresence.
There's a key point in there,and that's making sure you're
(18:36):
holding strong eye contact, notdrifting away.
And so point number three, ortip number three for you, a
strategy, is to break theroutine with strategic
disruption, and so Jack Donovantalks about that.
Masculinity thrives inchallenges, and so comfort's
going to breed complacency, andpassion dies when we have too
(18:59):
much routine.
A relationship really needs newfire.
It also needs If you were justgoing to wait for Valentine's
Day or an anniversary orbirthday and don't do something
intentional, then passiondoesn't have an opportunity to
live on and outside of specificcalendar dates, and so true
passion lives in beingunpredictable.
(19:19):
And so this week, a task foryou is to disrupt your routine.
Send her a voice note duringyour workday telling her what
you love about her.
Lead this with energy back intothe relationship.
Don't wait for something tohappen.
Initiate the action, and stepfour, or tip number four here is
restore your sexual polaritywithout pressure, and so sexual
(19:44):
connection is often the symptom,not the root.
And so if she doesn't feelemotionally safe or
energetically led, sex becomes achore, not a craving, and so
reigniting passion meansbuilding trust.
Affectionate.
When it's tied to initiatingsex, then that really conditions
(20:07):
her to brace, because she knowswhat's going to happen next and
doesn't encourage her to leanin.
And so, for the next seven days, initiate non-sexual touch
daily a hand on her lower back,a kiss on the neck, holding her
hand in public, anything likethis, without any agenda, and
then just watch what happenswhen her nervous system starts
(20:29):
to trust again.
This is going to take a littletime to build.
Tip number five you got torevisit your purpose and then
invite her into it.
Your mission must be biggerthan our marriage.
Your wife wants to feelincluded in the life that you're
building, and so when you stopchasing mission, she stops
(20:50):
chasing you when she sees youleading with purpose.
And so be careful here, becausethe mistake that we may tend to
make is treating her like acoworker or a roommate instead
of the woman you're invitinginto something meaningful.
And so how do you do that youcan share a vision with her
about your business, about yourfaith or your legacy.
(21:11):
Ask her opinion, let her feelyour fire.
Women respond to a man who's onfire with purpose, and so
building reigniting passionreally starts with reclaiming
our own roles, doesn't it?
And it's not just about as ahusband or a provider, but it's
as being grounded, emotionallyattuned and spiritually aligned
(21:33):
man who really feels seen, safeand desired.
And everything we've talkedabout today isn't just tactics
and they're not hacks.
About today isn't just tacticsand they're not hacks.
It's our habits of being atruly masculine leader who
chooses going to chooseconnection over comfort and
leadership over passivity.
And so I've got some resourcesfor you today.
(21:55):
There's a way of the superiorman by david deida is an
excellent book.
It's a cornerstone for trulyunderstanding masculine and
feminine polarity, spiritual,and how to really stay deeply
connected to purpose whileleading your relationship.
And it's truly an essentialread for any man who's looking
to reclaim his edge withoutlosing his emotional depth.
(22:18):
No More, mr Nice Guy.
By Dr Robert Glover isexcellent.
It's going to be a reallyrevealing book for you I know it
was for me About howunconsciously we're sabotaging
intimacy by always seekingapproval and avoiding conflict.
He's going to provide you witha framework on how to break free
from that passivity and stepinto true, authentic leadership,
(22:38):
the Way of the Superior man, orthe Way of Men, I should say,
by Jack Donovan.
It's really a primalperspective on masculinity,
rooted in strength, courage,mastery and honor.
And while it's notrelationship-focused, it will
provide you with a valuablereminder of what it means to
carry masculine fire into everydomain of your life, including
(22:58):
your marriages.
Mating in Captivity.
And this is by Esther Perel andI have to tell you you it's one
of the most insightful books,as it really explores the
tension between domesticity anderoticism.
And this book is going toreally dismantle a lot of myths
about sex in the long-termrelationships and provide
actionable shifts to trulyreawaken desire for new in your
(23:23):
relationship.
And the last one I'll offer youis Hold Me Tight, by Dr Sue
Johnson, and it's really for menwho want to improve emotional
connection without losing ourmasculine strength.
And this book's going to offera blueprint for attachment,
bonding and creating lastingintimacy through emotional
safety.
(23:43):
At the end of the day,reigniting passion in our
marriage isn't about fixing her.
It's going to be aboutreclaiming ourselves.
It's about becoming the kind ofman who doesn't wait for
passion to lead, but he leadswith fire.
And passion doesn't die in amarriage because of age or time.
It fades because we stopshowing up with presence,
purpose and a pursuit.
(24:04):
So you don't need to becomesomebody new, gentlemen.
We just need to return to theman we were before.
We stopped leading and startedleading with our heart and our
edge and our wife's sittingthere.
She's waiting for us, not forflowers or a date night, but for
us to put our energy, ourvision and ourselves on fire,
(24:24):
and that's the best part.
And when we lead from thatplace, she just doesn't respond.
She's going to come totallyalive with you.
And so if today's episode hashit home for you, gentlemen, if
you're ready to stop coastingand start leading your marriage
with depth, strength and clarity, then I'm going to ask you to
take another step with us.
Go to memberstheawakenedmannetand complete our free integrity
(24:47):
challenge.
It isn't just a quiz, it's amirror.
It's going to help show youexactly where you are drifted
and where you're disconnected,and where you can start leading
from a place of alignment,because passion isn't about
intimacy, it's truly aboutintegrity.
If you're serious aboutreigniting not just your own
marriage but your mission as aman, then don't wait, just go
(25:09):
visit the site, take thechallenge, lead with fire, live
with integrity, and I'll see youon the next episode of the
Revolutionary man Podcast.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Thank you so much for joining me, aho thank you for
listening to the revolutionaryman podcast.
Are you ready to own yourdestiny, to become more the man
(25:37):
you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
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