May 18, 2025 • 39 mins
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Many men unconsciously create emotional distance that slowly erodes their relationships through patterns of emotional unavailability, withholding appreciation, fixing problems instead of feeling emotions, and avoiding conflict.
• Emotional unavailability isn't a strength – it's disconnection that creates isolation
• When men stop affirming their partners, it creates invisible resentment
• Women need to be seen and heard, not fixed, when sharing emotions
• Appreciate your partner for who she is, not just what she does
• Conflict avoidance isn't peacekeeping – it's withholding truth that builds walls
• Practice the feel-hear-ask method to build an emotional connection
• Make time for real conversations beyond logistics and schedules
• Lead with vulnerability by initiating one honest conversation weekly
• Rebuild non-sexual affection without expectation or transaction
• Connection is a choice, a muscle, and a mission that requires daily practice
Visit memberstheawakenedman.net to download our free Awakened Man Integrity Challenge and the "10 Questions to Reignite Emotional Intimacy" PDF.
Key moments in this episode:
01:22 The Hidden Habits of Emotional Disconnection
02:50 Emotional Unavailability: The Silent Relationship Killer
09:28 Withholding Appreciation and Affection
15:11 The Fix-It Mentality: Why It Doesn't Work
21:02 Avoiding Conflict: The Path to Disconnection
26:23 Jake's Story: A Journey to Emotional Presence
30:15 Practical Tips for Reigniting Emotional Intimacy
38:38 Conclusion and Call to Action
Free Download:
10 Questions To Reignite Emotional Intimacy
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man podcast,
the show where we challenge mento lead with integrity, to live
with passion and to build alegacy that lasts.
I'm your host, alan DeMonso.
Today's topic may sting alittle bit, but it's one that we
need to talk about.
It's the subtle and oftenunconscious ways that we push
our partners away.
Now, I'm not talking aboutcheating or screaming matches.
(00:20):
I'm talking about emotionaldistance, the dismissiveness,
the I'm fine attitude thatslowly kills intimacy and
connection.
And so the truth is that ourrelationships won't end with a
bang.
They're going to erode with aseries of quiet, unspoken gaps,
gaps we didn't even realize wewere creating.
But here's the good news what'shidden can be healed.
(00:44):
And so in today's episode,we're going to unpack the hidden
habits that drive emotionaldisconnection and give us tools
to reconnect, re-engage andreignite the bond with our
partners.
So if this is a topic that hitshome for you, then I want you
to sit back and just take alittle bit of action Hit the
like button, subscribe to theshow and even drop me a comment
(01:06):
sharing one area where you feltdistance growing in your
relationship.
You know why.
When we do that, it's when menlike us speak up.
It permits other men to do thesame.
And so let's engage and let'srise together, and with that,
let's get on with today'sepisode.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(01:46):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Stay strong, my brother welcomeback.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
And now, before we get ready to dive into today's
conversation, let me ask you acouple of questions, because
it's the power of change thatbegins with self-awareness,
isn't it?
And so when was the last timethat your partner felt truly
seen, heard and understood byyou?
What's the cost of emotionaldistance in your relationship,
(02:17):
and beyond just arguments orsilence, and what would it mean
for your life, your leadershipand your legacy if you could
deeply connect with your partner?
Starting today, I felt thedistance, and I think we've
asked these questions, thesehard questions, to us, because
it's time for us to break thecycle, isn't it?
(02:37):
And let's unpack some hiddenpatterns today that are slowly
driving this wedge betweenourselves and our partners, and
let's also talk a little bitabout how we can rebuild
connection that truly lasts.
And so the first point that Iwant to bring up for us to
discuss today is emotionalunavailability.
Wow, tongue twister there.
(02:59):
Emotional unavailability isn'tstrength, it a disconnection.
And absolutely, when I thinkabout this point, it is truly a
disconnection.
And so, as we think about howdoes that show up for us, think
about, from boyhood, how many ofus are told that directly or
maybe even indirectly, and mostlikely that way that emotion
(03:21):
equals weakness for us men.
So we're taught to man up, tonot cry, to keep things together
and be the rock in ourrelationships.
Now, on the surface, that stoicidea does seem pretty noble,
but when we leave thisunbalanced, then what it does is
it ultimately mutates intoemotional isolation because
(03:42):
we've never been allowed toexpress it, and so a man who
never learns through healthyexpression, through being a bit
vulnerable, then he's going tobecome disconnected, and I can
tell you that's something that Icontinue to work on in my
relationship today.
And so it's not just emotionaldisconnection from my partner
and my wife, but it's alsoemotional disconnection from
(04:04):
ourself, and so this often leadsa lot of men to be good, what
feels like we're good underpressure, but it really feels
emotionally absent, especiallywhen we're at home, and so our
partners see us as being coldand even distance.
But really what's going on isthat we're trapped in a script
that has taught us that strengthequals silence, and so it's a
(04:28):
model that may help while you'rein the boardroom, but it's
going to kill intimacy in thebedroom, and so I want to ask
yourself where in your life haveyou learned being emotional
that made you less of a man andwho modeled that for you?
And then I also want you toconsider what if you redefined
(04:49):
emotional strength as a courageto be honest, not the ability to
stay silent?
I think that's a really key setof questions.
As we start into today'sconversation, here's the next
thing I'd like us to considerEmotional withdrawal isn't power
either.
It's avoidance, I should say.
We often confuse emotionaldetachment with calm maturity,
(05:13):
maybe even leadership.
But being emotionallyunavailable doesn't mean that
we're in control.
It means we've likely justdeveloped a survival strategy
and it keeps us from confrontingany type of conflict, where
that'd be internal or external.
So the true power is being ableto face our emotion, to feel it
and to respond, not just react,and especially not with
(05:36):
retreating.
And so, men, when we shut downemotionally often isn't because
we don't care.
It's because we're afraid ofwhat might come up.
If we're going to open thatdoor, that's because we don't
open that door very often.
So what is buried behind thatis still going to be alive, but
it doesn't mean that it's goingto totally die either.
(05:57):
And so it's going to show up indifferent ways, sometimes just
as microaggressions, sometimesit's impatience, sometimes it
shows up as sarcasm, andsometimes it shows up as us
withdrawing.
And so I want you also toconsider notice where you're
being emotionally going dark,especially during difficult
(06:18):
conversations, and so it's whenwe're being criticized that this
might occur, right, or whenwe're afraid of engaging in any
type of conflict.
But when we have that awareness, it's the first step to us
actually gaining presence inthat moment.
Strength isn't emotionalneutrality, strength is in the
(06:38):
engagement aspect of it.
And so, when we consider ourthird idea here is that engaging
emotionally really does startwith honesty.
It gives us a differentperspective, a different way to
turn that diamond, as a mentorused to say to me and see, we
don't need to go out and cryevery day and be a blubbering
fool, and we don't need to getemotional on demand either, but
(07:01):
we do need to get in control ofour own inner world.
And so being honest about wherewe're at with something whether
that means that we're beingstressed or confused, burnt out,
maybe even overwhelmed that'swhat's going to create an
opening for authentic connection, and so that truly becomes the
doorway for us to step through,and as we do that, we start to
(07:22):
build trust, and it's ourpartner who's going to feel that
difference between this fakecalm and truly being present.
And so honesty doesn't meanthat we're going to all of a
sudden emotionally vomit allover our partners or colleagues
or a trusted friend.
It means we're going to startstating our reality with
ownership.
Right, I've been distant lately.
(07:44):
I think I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I don't know how to bring
it up.
When we start to speak from anhonest perspective, it doesn't
erode any trust.
What it actually does is buildthat.
It's the foundation.
And so something else for youto consider is practice naming
your emotion for yourself.
(08:04):
Do that once every day, acouple times.
Take the habit of jotting itdown as well.
See, this practice ofexpressing them out loud, at
least to yourself and then evenwith your partner, without any
explanation or defensiveness, isgoing to feel very different
for us, and so when we can saythings like you know what I'm
feeling off today we just don'thave to worry about having to go
(08:28):
through a large explanation,and so that's really being
emotionally re-engaging bytaking action.
And so I like the work of johneldridge, and john says you
can't truly love someone yourefuse to open up to, and I
think that's great words ofwisdom from John, and so I
consider how we've started ourconversation out today and we
(08:48):
try to put a little bow on thisone.
Emotional detachment is not amasculine strength, gentlemen,
it's a learned disconnection.
And so, as men, we canencourage ourselves to engage
with our emotional reality.
Then we become men who cantruly lead with love, and love
that lasts.
So let's try not to be the manwho loses everything because he
(09:10):
thought silence was going to behis strength.
So let's be the one man that'sgoing to learn to speak from our
soul, from a position of powerand strength.
And so I want to move into asecond point here about this
idea of how we're pushing ourpartners away, and the concept
here is that withholdingappreciation and affection is
(09:32):
going to create quiet resentment.
When I think about what we'retalking about here, I think
about how most men, myselfincluded, stop affirming our
partners over time, myselfincluded, stop affirming our
partners over time.
In the early days, we are veryexpressive to our partners about
who they are and what they mean.
We flirt, we compliment, wetouch, we pursue.
(09:53):
But then, as time goes on, aslife sets in stress, our work
routine starts to become part ofour lives, many of those
gestures fade and they fall away.
And so it's not out ofintentional neglect, but because
our comfort starts to creep in,and so then our effort slides
away.
What once was an act of lovenow becomes passive familiarity,
(10:16):
and that truly is the killer ofintimacy and connections.
Our partners might still bedoing the same things that did
from the very beginning she'scaring for the kids, supporting
our goals and our dreams,running the house, contributing
emotionally but she's no longerreceiving any acknowledgement
whatsoever, and it's that void,if we leave it unspoken, is
(10:40):
slowly going to transform intobitterness and resentment.
I'd like you to take someinventory today.
When was the last time that yougenuinely complimented your
wife, not for how she looks, butfor who she is?
Start there.
Rediscover the power ofintentional praise.
(11:01):
It doesn't cost you anythingand it pays massive dividends in
building connection,reconnection with your spouse
here's the second thing on thesecond bullet that we're talking
about, and that's our partnerstarts to feel invisible.
Think about this.
For many women, emotionalcurrent relationship is
affirmation.
When we stop appreciating herand that starts to dry up, so
(11:24):
does intimacy.
She starts to wonder does heeven notice who I am anymore?
Am I just his roommate orco-parent?
That feeling for her, of beingemotionally invisible, is one of
the most dangerousundercurrents that can develop
in our relationships.
Resentment is going to startwith isn't necessarily going to
(11:44):
start with something huge.
It's going to begin in smallways, maybe just unloading the
dishwasher, or being told toalways have to do it, managing
the family schedule all byherself, showing up again and
again, and then for her to onlyfeel like it was an afterthought
.
It's over time, when we startdoing these things, that she
stops initiating things.
(12:05):
She's going time.
When we start doing thesethings that she stops initiating
things.
She's going to stop sharing,she stops trusting, not because
she wants to, but because she'sbeing completely and totally
depleted.
So take an opportunity now topractice daily a sense of
recognition for your partner.
Say thank you when she servesAcknowledge, when she's caring
(12:26):
more than her fair share, whichshe's probably doing a lot more
than you'd care to admit.
This isn't going to be aboutflattery, gentlemen.
This is about seeing who she is.
This is the woman of yourdreams, living the way that you
had never seen before, and sothat second idea is that just
one act of gratitude oraffection can rebuild weeks of
(12:48):
distance.
It's truly a powerful truthwhen you stop to consider this,
that affection and appreciationare compounding investments.
Think about that.
I think most of us understandwhat compound interest is.
That's what affection andappreciation are like, and so a
small, sincere gesture has thatpower to shift the emotional
tone of an entire relationship.
(13:09):
A hand on her back, a middaytext to say you've been on my
mind, these are the moments thatare not considered just fluff.
These are what refuels orrecharges our partner's energy.
And so women are truly highlyattuned, gentlemen, to emotional
tone.
And so a relationship can shift, not through grand apologies,
(13:30):
but through small, sustainedaffirmations.
And so many of us need to lookfor that reset button, because
when connection does become lost, it's because it hasn't been
reset.
And we need to reset that assteps at a time.
There is no big on button here.
It's rebuilding it bit by bitand developing a cadence and a
(13:52):
rhythm.
And so I'd like you to doanother thing set a timer on
your phone so that every day,you intentionally show up with
either a verbal affirmation orsome physical affection.
And why am I asking you to dothat?
Because, gentlemen, this is howwe normally think, isn't it?
We're very linear.
So let's remove the excuseabout I forgot, and let's just
set a timer on our phone to takesome action.
(14:13):
Once that habit becomesingrained, absolutely let's get
rid of that timer.
But in the beginning you mightneed a little bit of a prompt
and we're not going to do thisbecause you don't feel like
you're wanting to do it.
We're going to do it becausethat's the man that we want to
be, and remember that it's aboutour actions.
How we're showing up is what'sgoing to make the difference in
(14:33):
her emotional connection to us,and so when I can think about
how we can wrap up this idea, Ithink about.
Relationships don't crumblebecause of a lack of love.
They crumble because there's alack of attention, and so the
man who can consistently upholdappreciation may not be trying
to push his partner away, butthat's exactly what's going to
(14:56):
start happening, and so we caneither choose to see her or
choose to speak greatness intoher, and if we do that, we can
watch the emotional walls startto fall because she feels seen,
heard and safe.
And so when I consider ourthird idea around, this whole
concept of how we're potentiallypushing our partners away,
(15:18):
think about trying to fixsomething instead of feeling it
it's going to how she's gonnafeel alone.
And so we are totally wired.
Are we not to solve problems?
But connection isn't a problemto fix, and even though I've
been giving you some tools andsome strategies so far, it's not
about fixing the problem right.
We are totally action juror andthat's why you've been given
(15:40):
some of these prompts about thisepisode.
So we thrive on strategy, onsolutions and getting from point
A to point B.
That's how we're wired.
So when we start to consider,when our partner brings us
emotional pain, what is ourinstincts to do for her?
We want to fix it, we want toclean it up, we're going to
solve it, and then let's justmove on.
(16:00):
But emotional pain is not abroken appliance.
That's a sacred signal.
She doesn't need us to solvefor her, she needs us to see her
.
And so when we jump into fix itmode right away, that's when
she hears I care, it's no,you're too much or you're not
(16:21):
being reasonable.
And so this is what starts tocreate emotional isolation.
So what does she do?
She stops opening up.
It's not because she doesn'ttrust herself, it's because she
doesn't feel safe with us.
She doesn't trust herself, it'sbecause she doesn't feel safe
with us.
And so consider the next timethat your partner, your spouse,
shares something, resist theurge to offer a solution and
(16:41):
instead validate that emotionfor her.
That sounds really heavy.
I'm glad you told me that'swhat masculine presence is in
action.
It's not passive, but it'sstill very powerful.
And so when we consider a secondidea or a second nuance to this
concept, is that fixing fastactually is going to communicate
(17:04):
a disinterest in her experience.
So when we consider that, whenwe immediately go to onto the
step of okay, what do we got todo to fix this, it really
bypasses everything that she'sfeeling, doesn't it?
And often what she's lookingfor isn't a resolution, it's
resonance.
She wants to know will youenter this with me and will you
(17:26):
feel it with me for a momentbefore we try to fix it In
coaching rooms and in therapy?
This is the number onecomplaint most women make.
He doesn't hear me, he justwants to move on, and so that
rush to repair feels like beingdismissed and has no feeling of
being devoted.
And so I practice.
(17:47):
Here's an opportunity for youto practice something a little
different.
When she brings this to you, doyou want me to support you on
this or you just want me to bewithin this with you?
See that one question cantransform a defensiveness that
she may have into a deeperconnection, and it shows respect
to her capacity to process andnot just about your ability to
(18:11):
fix things.
Practicing presence overperformance is going to build
trust, won't it?
And so our masculine leadershipin a relationship isn't about
controlling what the outcome isgoing to look like.
It's going to be about holdingspace.
And this concept and idea ofholding space can be a bit
confusing.
And so when our partner's inpain, our job isn't to make it
(18:33):
disappear.
Let me say that again.
When our partner is in pain,our job isn't to make it
disappear.
Let me say that again.
When our partner is in pain,it's not our job to make that
pain disappear.
It's for us to create thisemotional container where she
feels safe to express, tounravel, and then to come back
together and reassemble, andthat's the presence that's more
powerful than anything we canever do to fix.
(18:55):
And so what happens for us menis that we often feel very
powerless in the face of emotionor turmoil, because we equate
impact with action.
But women connect through ashared vulnerability, not
perfect solutions, and so whilewe're solution oriented, they
just need us to sit there withthem.
And so when we can hold ourground emotionally not detaching
(19:18):
, not reacting, but reallybuilding a foundation of trust
then no solution could evermatch what it is that we're
doing in that moment.
And so consider the next timeyou're tempted to jump in and
answer her when she's bringing aproblem forward, just pause,
take a breath, maybe count tothree, and if you need to go to
(19:39):
five, maybe even to ten, thenlook her in the eye and say I'm
here, I don't have to fix thisright now, I just want you to
know you're not alone.
That's the work and that's thewin.
If we can do that, gentlemen,it's going to take us a long way
to connecting to our partners.
And so David August Berger saysbeing heard is so close to
(20:00):
being loved that for the averageperson, they are almost
indistinguishable.
And so consider what David'ssaying there.
That works for us as well.
And so when we're in these sametypes of conversations with
close colleagues, these sametypes of conversations with
close colleagues, friends, thatare extremely important to us in
life, being able to be heard isvery important in all
(20:22):
relationships.
And so fixing is instinctivefor us.
Right Feeling is intentional,and the man who can learn to sit
in his emotional discomfort,not as a rescuer but as a
witness, that's the man whobecomes emotionally irresistible
to his partner.
So, gentlemen, our job isn't tocarry her emotion, our job is
(20:43):
to stay with her long enough forher to feel carried by your
presence.
And I think when we practicethis stuff and it's kind of
relationship fire that most mennever learn to build but if we
do learn to build this, trust me, gentlemen, everything's going
to change for you, and as we getinto our fourth and final point
(21:05):
on this, avoiding conflict isgoing to need to weaken our
connection, and so avoidanceisn't about peacekeeping, it's
withholding the truth.
And so avoidance isn't aboutpeacekeeping, it's withholding
the truth.
And so many men confuse thisidea of conflict avoidance with
emotional maturity.
They say things like I justdon't want to argue, or it's not
worth the fight, and I used tosay that all the time.
(21:25):
Actually, my verbiage was in ayear from now, what difference
will this make?
But here's the truth what weavoid doesn't go away, it only
accumulates, and so everyunspoken frustration becomes a
brick on the wall betweenyourself and your partner, and I
felt that many years ago in mymarriage.
(21:46):
And so then the silence startsto build and it becomes a
resilience, a resentment.
And when silence becomesresentment, resentment then
transforms into distance.
And so if we can avoid conflict, we may think that we're
keeping the peace, we're keepingharmony in our relationship,
but what's really going on isthat we're burying the truth of
(22:07):
the situation.
That eventually guess what?
That truth is either going toexplode in a moment of rage or
it's going to corrode therelationship from the inside out
, and we can't expect to deeplyconnect with someone who's
afraid to be honest with us andus honest with them.
And so I'd like you for thispiece to take away is to
(22:28):
identify a tension that you'vebeen ignoring in your
relationship.
It could be about money, itcould be about parenting
intimacy, maybe even how youignoring in your relationship.
It could be about money, itcould be about parenting
intimacy, maybe even how youfeel in the relationship.
Then let's set some time asideto talk face-to-face no
distractions, no TV, no phones.
Use calm and direct language.
There's something on my heart Ihaven't shared, and it's time
(22:52):
that I do and begin thatconversation and start to unpack
the things and the tension thatare sitting between us.
And the key here is to startwith something small, not the
most profound thing in yourrelationship.
Start and build there.
Honesty is going to be thatexpression of respect.
It's not about being rebellious, and so we often think that
(23:14):
bringing up rough topics isgoing to be rocking the boat or
it's going to make us look bador like the bad guy.
But in a relationship thatcan't hold truth, because that's
not a safe one, is it?
It's a fragile relationshipwhen we're withholding things
like that.
And so honesty, when we deliverthat with respect, it's not
aggression, it's leadership andit's telling our partner that I
(23:36):
trust you with the truth.
And so many women don't want tobe around passive men who's just
going to sit there and nod andkeep the peace.
Nobody wants to be in arelationship like that.
They want a grounded man whowill step into uncomfortable
conversations with emotionalintegrity and clear direction.
That's how trust is built.
It's not going to be throughavoidance, but it's going to be
(23:58):
through alignment with who weare and alignment within our
relationship.
So here's a phrase I'd like youto practice as you start to
step into this idea, and thisconcept is that I'm bringing up
this because I care about us,not because I want to fight,
because I want to grow and notcoast, and then, from there,
speak your truth.
(24:18):
Just don't offload on it, ownit, it's your stuff, and then
don't attack it her, just toreveal what's happening for you.
If you can practice that andstart to get that out of your
belt of mastering, yourrelationship is going to shift
dramatically.
And so when we start into that,it might bring up some more
conflict, but when we handleconflict well, it's going to
(24:40):
deepen our intimacy.
And so conflict is not theenemy, combativeness is.
And so what healthy conflictdoes?
It just reveals what matters tous most, doesn't it?
And so it's going to uncoverour needs.
It's going to force clarity inthe relationship, and when two
people can respectfully disagree, then they're going to stay
connected and they're going toprove that to each other.
(25:02):
And so we're not going to goanywhere.
When we start to truly havehealthy conflict, even in the
fire, we still need to become it.
And we start to truly havehealthy conflict Even in the
fire.
We still need to become it andwe will.
And so it's the couples who cangrow together aren't the ones
who never fight.
They're the ones who fight well, who repair, who listen when
it's hard, it's who walk backinto the room when they'd rather
(25:26):
be walking out.
And so, when you consider howwe can employ this into our
lives, the next time you have adisagreement, lead the repair,
not with an apology for how shefeels, but with your ownership
for how you showed up, say, hey,here's what I could have done
better.
Thank you for sticking with methrough that.
(25:48):
That single act, I guaranteeyou, is going to build more
trust than any perfect argumentthat you can come up with.
Max says conflict is going to beinevitable, but combat is
optional.
And so, if we consider avoidingconflict may feel like control,
it's actually just surrenderingour influence, isn't it?
And so conflict is whereintimacy is tested and it's
(26:11):
where character is revealed.
And so the revolutionary mandoesn't run from tension, does
he?
He walks through it withcourage, with clarity and
commitment, because he wants toconnect.
And so when I think about this,I think about a gentleman by the
name of Jake, and Jake was thekind of guy that many other guys
respected.
He was a business owner in hisearly 40s.
(26:33):
He had a couple of kids, he hadbeen married for 15 years, and
he was steady, loyal and nevermissed a day of work.
He provided everything for hisfamily that he needed.
At least, that's what Jakethought.
And so, lately, he started tosense that things were off.
His wife was getting quieterand much more distant.
She stopped laughing at hisjokes and the hugs had become
(26:54):
side glances.
Sex felt extremelytransactional, if it happened at
all for him, and so he chalkedit all up to we're stressful, we
have busy lives, maybe there'shormones going on.
What it took a friday nightafter he had offered a rushed I
love you and walked past hiswife in the hallway where she
stopped him cold and said youdon't really see me anymore,
(27:17):
jake, I feel like a ghost in myown house, and I got to tell you
that just hit Jake with so muchpower that he just stood there
stunned.
Defensive thoughts started torace through his mind.
I haven't cheated, I've beenworking my ass off.
I'm here, aren't I?
But deep down he knew somethingwas true about that, and so it
(27:38):
was that night, as he sat in hisman cave, in his garage,
drinking a beer, staring at thesilence that he had helped build
, that he realized he hadn'ttouched her affectionately in
weeks, couldn't remember thelast time that he asked her how
she was feeling, not just whatshe had done, and so every
conversation had become alogistical conversation and
(28:01):
every evening background noise.
So he hadn't meant to push heraway, but his emotional absence
had become louder than words.
So, of course, as Jakeconsidered this and contemplated
what was happening in hismarriage, he realized he didn't
want to lose her and he's damnsure didn't want to lose himself
either.
And so he did something thatJake hadn't done in years.
(28:23):
He initiated a hardconversation.
So he told her I don't knowwhen I stopped showing up
emotionally, but I want to fixthis, not you me.
I've been numb, I've beenpassive and I didn't even see
the wall that I was building.
She didn't respond withfireworks or forgiveness, but
she didn't walk away either.
(28:43):
That night they sat on thecouch for hours, talking, not
perfectly but honestly, and forthe first time in a long time,
they felt like a team again.
Over the next few months, asJake and his wife started to put
things together, he startedshowing up differently.
He started small.
It was a little hand on theshoulder as she cooked.
It was a note on the mirror.
(29:04):
He read books aboutrelationships, not just on
business, and he asked hardquestions and he listened,
without fixing it, but just tobe present.
He even caught himself sayingthat sounds hard.
I'm here Instead of here's whatyou should do.
Her eyes would begin to soften.
Their conversations were longerand they argued, yes, but they
(29:26):
repaired quicker.
And then, one night, after along day, she reached for his
hand and smiled there you are.
Jake didn't become perfect, buthe did become present, and in
doing so, he got back not justhis marriage, but he also got
back himself, becausedisconnection doesn't always
start with a blowout.
It begins with an emotionaldrift.
(29:47):
Jake didn't cheat, he didn'texplode, he simply disappeared
emotionally.
And but from the moment that hechose presence over performance
, everything changed and hestopped being a provider only
and started to be a partner.
When I think of dr john gottmanand all the great work that
he's done, he says when a manhas the courage to come home
(30:08):
emotionally, the entire familyheals.
So I think that's such powerfulwords, and so we have talked a
lot about today, and I want toget into the tips and the ideas,
more strategy for you to helpyou really embody and employ
this into your life.
And so the first tip I'm goingto have you consider is to speak
appreciation daily without aprompt, and so, as I said
(30:32):
earlier, she wants to be needed,she wants to be seen, and so
daily affirmations reaffirmsthat her presence, efforts and
spirit matter in your life.
It's going to fill theemotional tank before
disconnection has a chance tobuild, and so if we are
expressing gratitude in responseto an action thanks for dinner
then that's going to fall ondeaf ears eventually.
(30:53):
It's really just beingobservative, isn't it?
And so, just once a day,compliment her on who she is and
not on what she does.
I love how grounded you arewhen things feel chaotic, and
then maybe put a sticky note onher mirror or text.
You say it face-to-face.
The key for this process, orthis strategy, is to be
(31:14):
consistent.
Then I want you to shift fromsolution mode to presence mode,
as I said earlier.
It matters here because mostmen, when we hear a problem, we
assume that we're being asked tosolve it.
Instead, if we can reallyunderstand what our partner
actually wants, is that shewants emotional resonance, not a
(31:34):
tactical roadmap.
That's what we'd like.
The tactical roadmap, just tellme how to get there.
And so when we jump in with hey, what you need to do is and
start getting into the roadmapplanning, she's not going to
feel safe, is she?
Instead, I want you to practicethe feel, hear, ask method.
Feel, that sounds really hardhere.
(31:56):
I'm listening, keep going, askdo you want support or just
someone to sit with you in this.
This is going to start torewire your relationship dynamic
instantly, and so if we canstart to do that feel, hear and
ask, and start with those threephases I think you're going to
see a great change.
Here's tip number three Maketime for some real talk, not
(32:19):
just about logistics, and soconversation is going to revolve
around bills and kids andschedules and who's doing the
dishes, and emotional connectionis just going to die, isn't it?
So we become co-managers, notlovers, and definitely not
teammates, and so if we onlycommunicate about our
responsibilities and not desires, dreams or emotions, then it's
(32:41):
going to be a pretty stalerelationship and we're going to
become disconnected.
So how about schedule, once aweek, 30-minute connection
check-in?
And here's some questionprompts to help you get started
with that what's been on yourheart this week?
Where do you feel the mostsupported?
When or where do you feeldistant?
(33:02):
Because connection isn't goingto be spontaneous, right, and so
we need to schedule this withintention, and that helps us
build the practice and the habitso that we can have a deeper
connection.
So here's step number four leadone vulnerable conversation a
week.
See, our emotional leadershipis going to set the tone for our
(33:24):
relationship, and so when we gofirst, we make it safe for her
to open up without fear ofrejection or dismissal, then
she's going to be willing tostep in and play.
And so if we wait for ourpartner to bring something up,
that's being passive, and thisleadership invites connection,
and that's who we are as men.
And so here's a quick promptthat you can use.
(33:44):
There's something that I'vebeen feeling about, haven't
shared because I didn't know howCan I be real with you for a
moment.
When we speak like that, thenit gives an opportunity for us
to share deeply, and it opensher up to be able to receive it.
And so just speak.
It Don't rehearse anything,don't apologize, just be present
(34:05):
, be as honest as you can.
Tip five rekindle affectionwithout expectation.
So many men we treat physicalaffection as a precursor to sex,
and so that builds a lot ofpressure instead of safety.
But real intimacy is builtthrough non-sexual touch.
(34:25):
So it's simple gestures thatsay I'm here and I'm care.
But the mistake that many of usmake is only initiating
affection when we want somethingin return, and that makes our
touch feel transactional to her,and so that's something I know
that I work on consistently, andso start with some small acts
(34:46):
hands on her back when she'scooking, touch her hand during
dinner, relax hands on her backwhen she's cooking, touch her
hand during dinner, sit close onthe couch, and I mean it.
We need to rebuild the affectionas a rhythm, not as a reward,
because that has probably beeningrained in your relationship
for a very long time, and solook for moments of opportunity
where you can touch her, wherethere's no alternative motive
(35:06):
for it.
And here's a bonus I'd like youto start, if you're willing, a
connection journal.
Just keep a small notebookwhere you can log three things
each day something that younotice about her, one act of
kindness or presence that you'veoffered her, one area where you
could have shown up better.
This is going to help createsome awareness for you and
awareness is what helps createleadership that you can deploy
(35:30):
some of these tips that we justtalked about today, and so, with
these tools, I know there'slots of opportunity for us to
start things, and maybe you wanta little bit more help on that,
and so I do have a few booksthat I think would really help
drive home today's episode in amuch deeper way, and the first
one is hold me tight by dr suejohnson, and what I like about
this book is that's reallyfoundational on emotional focus
(35:53):
therapy that helps menunderstand why emotional
connection, and not logic orproblem solving, is the bedrock
to lasting intimacy.
And in this book she's going toexplain how to turn conflict
into closeness and vulnerabilityinto strength, and so I think
the greatest we can give ourpartner is that truly secure
emotional bond.
(36:13):
So it's not about saying theperfect thing, it's going to be
about staying present,especially in the hard moments.
Second book you can't besurprised I'm going to offer
this one up, but no More.
Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover, and this book speaks directly
to those of us men that arepassive or conflict avoidant,
and when we do that, all we endup by doing is destroying
(36:35):
connection.
But this classic book of hisreally helps men confront the
fear of disapproval and reclaimemotional honesty without
becoming emotionally reactive ormanipulative.
So you know, the nice guy isgoing to hide, and being an
integrated man really revealsthat we can be connected when we
stop pretending and we startleading with our truth.
(36:58):
And then, of course, the thirdpiece I want to offer you is our
Awaken man Integrity Challenge.
That's a free resource that weoffer men.
It's specifically designed tohelp you really align your
personal values with yourrelationship leadership.
It's going to include a guidedreflection, tools for you,
emotional awareness practicesand a masculine roadmap that
(37:19):
helps you really have relationalbreakthroughs, and so you can
download that toolmemberstheawakenedmannet and so
on.
As a fourth and final bonus Iwant to offer you is this PDF
download from this episode.
It's called 10 Questions toReignite Emotional Intimacy.
It's an opportunity for you tohave deeper conversations over
(37:41):
the superfluous ones thatgenerally evolve in our
relationships.
And, brother, while the realdanger in our relationship isn't
the conflict, it's that quietdisconnection.
It's the kind that sneaks inwhile we're busy building our
business, managing stress orjust trying to hold everything
together.
And so don't push your partneraway by yelling.
You push her away by goingsilent, by going numb or staying
(38:04):
emotionally absent.
The truth is that connectiontruly is a choice and it's a
muscle and it's a mission.
So, every day, get the chance tolead, not just with your
strength but with presence, notjust with answers but with
empathy, because, remember,she's not looking for us to be
perfect, she just needs us toshow up Just consistently and
(38:25):
courageously, and when werealize it's really not about
fixing her but it's about facingourself, then we can be the
kind of man that makes intimacya legacy, not just a memory.
So, gentlemen, if this episodeis something that hit with you
and you're good with it, itmeans you're awake, it means
that you care, and that's timefor you to take the lead, just
(38:46):
like how you know you can.
With that, gentlemen, I want tosay the strongest men don't
avoid hard conversations.
They initiate them.
So start today, lead withintention and live with
integrity.
I'll see you next time on therevolutionary man podcast thank
(39:08):
you for listening to therevolutionary man podcast.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the
man you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man podcast,
the show where we challenge mento lead with integrity, to live
with passion and to build alegacy that lasts.
I'm your host, alan DeMonso.
Today's topic may sting alittle bit, but it's one that we
need to talk about.
It's the subtle and oftenunconscious ways that we push
our partners away.
Now, I'm not talking aboutcheating or screaming matches.
(00:20):
I'm talking about emotionaldistance, the dismissiveness,
the I'm fine attitude thatslowly kills intimacy and
connection.
And so the truth is that ourrelationships won't end with a
bang.
They're going to erode with aseries of quiet, unspoken gaps,
gaps we didn't even realize wewere creating.
But here's the good news what'shidden can be healed.
(00:44):
And so in today's episode,we're going to unpack the hidden
habits that drive emotionaldisconnection and give us tools
to reconnect, re-engage andreignite the bond with our
partners.
So if this is a topic that hitshome for you, then I want you
to sit back and just take alittle bit of action Hit the
like button, subscribe to theshow and even drop me a comment
(01:06):
sharing one area where you feltdistance growing in your
relationship.
You know why.
When we do that, it's when menlike us speak up.
It permits other men to do thesame.
And so let's engage and let'srise together, and with that,
let's get on with today'sepisode.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(01:46):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Stay strong, my brother welcomeback.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
And now, before we get ready to dive into today's
conversation, let me ask you acouple of questions, because
it's the power of change thatbegins with self-awareness,
isn't it?
And so when was the last timethat your partner felt truly
seen, heard and understood byyou?
What's the cost of emotionaldistance in your relationship,
(02:17):
and beyond just arguments orsilence, and what would it mean
for your life, your leadershipand your legacy if you could
deeply connect with your partner?
Starting today, I felt thedistance, and I think we've
asked these questions, thesehard questions, to us, because
it's time for us to break thecycle, isn't it?
(02:37):
And let's unpack some hiddenpatterns today that are slowly
driving this wedge betweenourselves and our partners, and
let's also talk a little bitabout how we can rebuild
connection that truly lasts.
And so the first point that Iwant to bring up for us to
discuss today is emotionalunavailability.
Wow, tongue twister there.
(02:59):
Emotional unavailability isn'tstrength, it a disconnection.
And absolutely, when I thinkabout this point, it is truly a
disconnection.
And so, as we think about howdoes that show up for us, think
about, from boyhood, how many ofus are told that directly or
maybe even indirectly, and mostlikely that way that emotion
(03:21):
equals weakness for us men.
So we're taught to man up, tonot cry, to keep things together
and be the rock in ourrelationships.
Now, on the surface, that stoicidea does seem pretty noble,
but when we leave thisunbalanced, then what it does is
it ultimately mutates intoemotional isolation because
(03:42):
we've never been allowed toexpress it, and so a man who
never learns through healthyexpression, through being a bit
vulnerable, then he's going tobecome disconnected, and I can
tell you that's something that Icontinue to work on in my
relationship today.
And so it's not just emotionaldisconnection from my partner
and my wife, but it's alsoemotional disconnection from
(04:04):
ourself, and so this often leadsa lot of men to be good, what
feels like we're good underpressure, but it really feels
emotionally absent, especiallywhen we're at home, and so our
partners see us as being coldand even distance.
But really what's going on isthat we're trapped in a script
that has taught us that strengthequals silence, and so it's a
(04:28):
model that may help while you'rein the boardroom, but it's
going to kill intimacy in thebedroom, and so I want to ask
yourself where in your life haveyou learned being emotional
that made you less of a man andwho modeled that for you?
And then I also want you toconsider what if you redefined
(04:49):
emotional strength as a courageto be honest, not the ability to
stay silent?
I think that's a really key setof questions.
As we start into today'sconversation, here's the next
thing I'd like us to considerEmotional withdrawal isn't power
either.
It's avoidance, I should say.
We often confuse emotionaldetachment with calm maturity,
(05:13):
maybe even leadership.
But being emotionallyunavailable doesn't mean that
we're in control.
It means we've likely justdeveloped a survival strategy
and it keeps us from confrontingany type of conflict, where
that'd be internal or external.
So the true power is being ableto face our emotion, to feel it
and to respond, not just react,and especially not with
(05:36):
retreating.
And so, men, when we shut downemotionally often isn't because
we don't care.
It's because we're afraid ofwhat might come up.
If we're going to open thatdoor, that's because we don't
open that door very often.
So what is buried behind thatis still going to be alive, but
it doesn't mean that it's goingto totally die either.
(05:57):
And so it's going to show up indifferent ways, sometimes just
as microaggressions, sometimesit's impatience, sometimes it
shows up as sarcasm, andsometimes it shows up as us
withdrawing.
And so I want you also toconsider notice where you're
being emotionally going dark,especially during difficult
(06:18):
conversations, and so it's whenwe're being criticized that this
might occur, right, or whenwe're afraid of engaging in any
type of conflict.
But when we have that awareness, it's the first step to us
actually gaining presence inthat moment.
Strength isn't emotionalneutrality, strength is in the
(06:38):
engagement aspect of it.
And so, when we consider ourthird idea here is that engaging
emotionally really does startwith honesty.
It gives us a differentperspective, a different way to
turn that diamond, as a mentorused to say to me and see, we
don't need to go out and cryevery day and be a blubbering
fool, and we don't need to getemotional on demand either, but
(07:01):
we do need to get in control ofour own inner world.
And so being honest about wherewe're at with something whether
that means that we're beingstressed or confused, burnt out,
maybe even overwhelmed that'swhat's going to create an
opening for authentic connection, and so that truly becomes the
doorway for us to step through,and as we do that, we start to
(07:22):
build trust, and it's ourpartner who's going to feel that
difference between this fakecalm and truly being present.
And so honesty doesn't meanthat we're going to all of a
sudden emotionally vomit allover our partners or colleagues
or a trusted friend.
It means we're going to startstating our reality with
ownership.
Right, I've been distant lately.
(07:44):
I think I'm feeling overwhelmed, but I don't know how to bring
it up.
When we start to speak from anhonest perspective, it doesn't
erode any trust.
What it actually does is buildthat.
It's the foundation.
And so something else for youto consider is practice naming
your emotion for yourself.
(08:04):
Do that once every day, acouple times.
Take the habit of jotting itdown as well.
See, this practice ofexpressing them out loud, at
least to yourself and then evenwith your partner, without any
explanation or defensiveness, isgoing to feel very different
for us, and so when we can saythings like you know what I'm
feeling off today we just don'thave to worry about having to go
(08:28):
through a large explanation,and so that's really being
emotionally re-engaging bytaking action.
And so I like the work of johneldridge, and john says you
can't truly love someone yourefuse to open up to, and I
think that's great words ofwisdom from John, and so I
consider how we've started ourconversation out today and we
(08:48):
try to put a little bow on thisone.
Emotional detachment is not amasculine strength, gentlemen,
it's a learned disconnection.
And so, as men, we canencourage ourselves to engage
with our emotional reality.
Then we become men who cantruly lead with love, and love
that lasts.
So let's try not to be the manwho loses everything because he
(09:10):
thought silence was going to behis strength.
So let's be the one man that'sgoing to learn to speak from our
soul, from a position of powerand strength.
And so I want to move into asecond point here about this
idea of how we're pushing ourpartners away, and the concept
here is that withholdingappreciation and affection is
(09:32):
going to create quiet resentment.
When I think about what we'retalking about here, I think
about how most men, myselfincluded, stop affirming our
partners over time, myselfincluded, stop affirming our
partners over time.
In the early days, we are veryexpressive to our partners about
who they are and what they mean.
We flirt, we compliment, wetouch, we pursue.
(09:53):
But then, as time goes on, aslife sets in stress, our work
routine starts to become part ofour lives, many of those
gestures fade and they fall away.
And so it's not out ofintentional neglect, but because
our comfort starts to creep in,and so then our effort slides
away.
What once was an act of lovenow becomes passive familiarity,
(10:16):
and that truly is the killer ofintimacy and connections.
Our partners might still bedoing the same things that did
from the very beginning she'scaring for the kids, supporting
our goals and our dreams,running the house, contributing
emotionally but she's no longerreceiving any acknowledgement
whatsoever, and it's that void,if we leave it unspoken, is
(10:40):
slowly going to transform intobitterness and resentment.
I'd like you to take someinventory today.
When was the last time that yougenuinely complimented your
wife, not for how she looks, butfor who she is?
Start there.
Rediscover the power ofintentional praise.
(11:01):
It doesn't cost you anythingand it pays massive dividends in
building connection,reconnection with your spouse
here's the second thing on thesecond bullet that we're talking
about, and that's our partnerstarts to feel invisible.
Think about this.
For many women, emotionalcurrent relationship is
affirmation.
When we stop appreciating herand that starts to dry up, so
(11:24):
does intimacy.
She starts to wonder does heeven notice who I am anymore?
Am I just his roommate orco-parent?
That feeling for her, of beingemotionally invisible, is one of
the most dangerousundercurrents that can develop
in our relationships.
Resentment is going to startwith isn't necessarily going to
(11:44):
start with something huge.
It's going to begin in smallways, maybe just unloading the
dishwasher, or being told toalways have to do it, managing
the family schedule all byherself, showing up again and
again, and then for her to onlyfeel like it was an afterthought
.
It's over time, when we startdoing these things, that she
stops initiating things.
(12:05):
She's going time.
When we start doing thesethings that she stops initiating
things.
She's going to stop sharing,she stops trusting, not because
she wants to, but because she'sbeing completely and totally
depleted.
So take an opportunity now topractice daily a sense of
recognition for your partner.
Say thank you when she servesAcknowledge, when she's caring
(12:26):
more than her fair share, whichshe's probably doing a lot more
than you'd care to admit.
This isn't going to be aboutflattery, gentlemen.
This is about seeing who she is.
This is the woman of yourdreams, living the way that you
had never seen before, and sothat second idea is that just
one act of gratitude oraffection can rebuild weeks of
(12:48):
distance.
It's truly a powerful truthwhen you stop to consider this,
that affection and appreciationare compounding investments.
Think about that.
I think most of us understandwhat compound interest is.
That's what affection andappreciation are like, and so a
small, sincere gesture has thatpower to shift the emotional
tone of an entire relationship.
(13:09):
A hand on her back, a middaytext to say you've been on my
mind, these are the moments thatare not considered just fluff.
These are what refuels orrecharges our partner's energy.
And so women are truly highlyattuned, gentlemen, to emotional
tone.
And so a relationship can shift, not through grand apologies,
(13:30):
but through small, sustainedaffirmations.
And so many of us need to lookfor that reset button, because
when connection does become lost, it's because it hasn't been
reset.
And we need to reset that assteps at a time.
There is no big on button here.
It's rebuilding it bit by bitand developing a cadence and a
(13:52):
rhythm.
And so I'd like you to doanother thing set a timer on
your phone so that every day,you intentionally show up with
either a verbal affirmation orsome physical affection.
And why am I asking you to dothat?
Because, gentlemen, this is howwe normally think, isn't it?
We're very linear.
So let's remove the excuseabout I forgot, and let's just
set a timer on our phone to takesome action.
(14:13):
Once that habit becomesingrained, absolutely let's get
rid of that timer.
But in the beginning you mightneed a little bit of a prompt
and we're not going to do thisbecause you don't feel like
you're wanting to do it.
We're going to do it becausethat's the man that we want to
be, and remember that it's aboutour actions.
How we're showing up is what'sgoing to make the difference in
(14:33):
her emotional connection to us,and so when I can think about
how we can wrap up this idea, Ithink about.
Relationships don't crumblebecause of a lack of love.
They crumble because there's alack of attention, and so the
man who can consistently upholdappreciation may not be trying
to push his partner away, butthat's exactly what's going to
(14:56):
start happening, and so we caneither choose to see her or
choose to speak greatness intoher, and if we do that, we can
watch the emotional walls startto fall because she feels seen,
heard and safe.
And so when I consider ourthird idea around, this whole
concept of how we're potentiallypushing our partners away,
(15:18):
think about trying to fixsomething instead of feeling it
it's going to how she's gonnafeel alone.
And so we are totally wired.
Are we not to solve problems?
But connection isn't a problemto fix, and even though I've
been giving you some tools andsome strategies so far, it's not
about fixing the problem right.
We are totally action juror andthat's why you've been given
(15:40):
some of these prompts about thisepisode.
So we thrive on strategy, onsolutions and getting from point
A to point B.
That's how we're wired.
So when we start to consider,when our partner brings us
emotional pain, what is ourinstincts to do for her?
We want to fix it, we want toclean it up, we're going to
solve it, and then let's justmove on.
(16:00):
But emotional pain is not abroken appliance.
That's a sacred signal.
She doesn't need us to solvefor her, she needs us to see her
.
And so when we jump into fix itmode right away, that's when
she hears I care, it's no,you're too much or you're not
(16:21):
being reasonable.
And so this is what starts tocreate emotional isolation.
So what does she do?
She stops opening up.
It's not because she doesn'ttrust herself, it's because she
doesn't feel safe with us.
She doesn't trust herself, it'sbecause she doesn't feel safe
with us.
And so consider the next timethat your partner, your spouse,
shares something, resist theurge to offer a solution and
(16:41):
instead validate that emotionfor her.
That sounds really heavy.
I'm glad you told me that'swhat masculine presence is in
action.
It's not passive, but it'sstill very powerful.
And so when we consider a secondidea or a second nuance to this
concept, is that fixing fastactually is going to communicate
(17:04):
a disinterest in her experience.
So when we consider that, whenwe immediately go to onto the
step of okay, what do we got todo to fix this, it really
bypasses everything that she'sfeeling, doesn't it?
And often what she's lookingfor isn't a resolution, it's
resonance.
She wants to know will youenter this with me and will you
(17:26):
feel it with me for a momentbefore we try to fix it In
coaching rooms and in therapy?
This is the number onecomplaint most women make.
He doesn't hear me, he justwants to move on, and so that
rush to repair feels like beingdismissed and has no feeling of
being devoted.
And so I practice.
(17:47):
Here's an opportunity for youto practice something a little
different.
When she brings this to you, doyou want me to support you on
this or you just want me to bewithin this with you?
See that one question cantransform a defensiveness that
she may have into a deeperconnection, and it shows respect
to her capacity to process andnot just about your ability to
(18:11):
fix things.
Practicing presence overperformance is going to build
trust, won't it?
And so our masculine leadershipin a relationship isn't about
controlling what the outcome isgoing to look like.
It's going to be about holdingspace.
And this concept and idea ofholding space can be a bit
confusing.
And so when our partner's inpain, our job isn't to make it
(18:33):
disappear.
Let me say that again.
When our partner is in pain,our job isn't to make it
disappear.
Let me say that again.
When our partner is in pain,it's not our job to make that
pain disappear.
It's for us to create thisemotional container where she
feels safe to express, tounravel, and then to come back
together and reassemble, andthat's the presence that's more
powerful than anything we canever do to fix.
(18:55):
And so what happens for us menis that we often feel very
powerless in the face of emotionor turmoil, because we equate
impact with action.
But women connect through ashared vulnerability, not
perfect solutions, and so whilewe're solution oriented, they
just need us to sit there withthem.
And so when we can hold ourground emotionally not detaching
(19:18):
, not reacting, but reallybuilding a foundation of trust
then no solution could evermatch what it is that we're
doing in that moment.
And so consider the next timeyou're tempted to jump in and
answer her when she's bringing aproblem forward, just pause,
take a breath, maybe count tothree, and if you need to go to
(19:39):
five, maybe even to ten, thenlook her in the eye and say I'm
here, I don't have to fix thisright now, I just want you to
know you're not alone.
That's the work and that's thewin.
If we can do that, gentlemen,it's going to take us a long way
to connecting to our partners.
And so David August Berger saysbeing heard is so close to
(20:00):
being loved that for the averageperson, they are almost
indistinguishable.
And so consider what David'ssaying there.
That works for us as well.
And so when we're in these sametypes of conversations with
close colleagues, these sametypes of conversations with
close colleagues, friends, thatare extremely important to us in
life, being able to be heard isvery important in all
(20:22):
relationships.
And so fixing is instinctivefor us.
Right Feeling is intentional,and the man who can learn to sit
in his emotional discomfort,not as a rescuer but as a
witness, that's the man whobecomes emotionally irresistible
to his partner.
So, gentlemen, our job isn't tocarry her emotion, our job is
(20:43):
to stay with her long enough forher to feel carried by your
presence.
And I think when we practicethis stuff and it's kind of
relationship fire that most mennever learn to build but if we
do learn to build this, trust me, gentlemen, everything's going
to change for you, and as we getinto our fourth and final point
(21:05):
on this, avoiding conflict isgoing to need to weaken our
connection, and so avoidanceisn't about peacekeeping, it's
withholding the truth.
And so avoidance isn't aboutpeacekeeping, it's withholding
the truth.
And so many men confuse thisidea of conflict avoidance with
emotional maturity.
They say things like I justdon't want to argue, or it's not
worth the fight, and I used tosay that all the time.
(21:25):
Actually, my verbiage was in ayear from now, what difference
will this make?
But here's the truth what weavoid doesn't go away, it only
accumulates, and so everyunspoken frustration becomes a
brick on the wall betweenyourself and your partner, and I
felt that many years ago in mymarriage.
(21:46):
And so then the silence startsto build and it becomes a
resilience, a resentment.
And when silence becomesresentment, resentment then
transforms into distance.
And so if we can avoid conflict, we may think that we're
keeping the peace, we're keepingharmony in our relationship,
but what's really going on isthat we're burying the truth of
(22:07):
the situation.
That eventually guess what?
That truth is either going toexplode in a moment of rage or
it's going to corrode therelationship from the inside out
, and we can't expect to deeplyconnect with someone who's
afraid to be honest with us andus honest with them.
And so I'd like you for thispiece to take away is to
(22:28):
identify a tension that you'vebeen ignoring in your
relationship.
It could be about money, itcould be about parenting
intimacy, maybe even how youignoring in your relationship.
It could be about money, itcould be about parenting
intimacy, maybe even how youfeel in the relationship.
Then let's set some time asideto talk face-to-face no
distractions, no TV, no phones.
Use calm and direct language.
There's something on my heart Ihaven't shared, and it's time
(22:52):
that I do and begin thatconversation and start to unpack
the things and the tension thatare sitting between us.
And the key here is to startwith something small, not the
most profound thing in yourrelationship.
Start and build there.
Honesty is going to be thatexpression of respect.
It's not about being rebellious, and so we often think that
(23:14):
bringing up rough topics isgoing to be rocking the boat or
it's going to make us look bador like the bad guy.
But in a relationship thatcan't hold truth, because that's
not a safe one, is it?
It's a fragile relationshipwhen we're withholding things
like that.
And so honesty, when we deliverthat with respect, it's not
aggression, it's leadership andit's telling our partner that I
(23:36):
trust you with the truth.
And so many women don't want tobe around passive men who's just
going to sit there and nod andkeep the peace.
Nobody wants to be in arelationship like that.
They want a grounded man whowill step into uncomfortable
conversations with emotionalintegrity and clear direction.
That's how trust is built.
It's not going to be throughavoidance, but it's going to be
(23:58):
through alignment with who weare and alignment within our
relationship.
So here's a phrase I'd like youto practice as you start to
step into this idea, and thisconcept is that I'm bringing up
this because I care about us,not because I want to fight,
because I want to grow and notcoast, and then, from there,
speak your truth.
(24:18):
Just don't offload on it, ownit, it's your stuff, and then
don't attack it her, just toreveal what's happening for you.
If you can practice that andstart to get that out of your
belt of mastering, yourrelationship is going to shift
dramatically.
And so when we start into that,it might bring up some more
conflict, but when we handleconflict well, it's going to
(24:40):
deepen our intimacy.
And so conflict is not theenemy, combativeness is.
And so what healthy conflictdoes?
It just reveals what matters tous most, doesn't it?
And so it's going to uncoverour needs.
It's going to force clarity inthe relationship, and when two
people can respectfully disagree, then they're going to stay
connected and they're going toprove that to each other.
(25:02):
And so we're not going to goanywhere.
When we start to truly havehealthy conflict, even in the
fire, we still need to become it.
And we start to truly havehealthy conflict Even in the
fire.
We still need to become it andwe will.
And so it's the couples who cangrow together aren't the ones
who never fight.
They're the ones who fight well, who repair, who listen when
it's hard, it's who walk backinto the room when they'd rather
(25:26):
be walking out.
And so, when you consider howwe can employ this into our
lives, the next time you have adisagreement, lead the repair,
not with an apology for how shefeels, but with your ownership
for how you showed up, say, hey,here's what I could have done
better.
Thank you for sticking with methrough that.
(25:48):
That single act, I guaranteeyou, is going to build more
trust than any perfect argumentthat you can come up with.
Max says conflict is going to beinevitable, but combat is
optional.
And so, if we consider avoidingconflict may feel like control,
it's actually just surrenderingour influence, isn't it?
And so conflict is whereintimacy is tested and it's
(26:11):
where character is revealed.
And so the revolutionary mandoesn't run from tension, does
he?
He walks through it withcourage, with clarity and
commitment, because he wants toconnect.
And so when I think about this,I think about a gentleman by the
name of Jake, and Jake was thekind of guy that many other guys
respected.
He was a business owner in hisearly 40s.
(26:33):
He had a couple of kids, he hadbeen married for 15 years, and
he was steady, loyal and nevermissed a day of work.
He provided everything for hisfamily that he needed.
At least, that's what Jakethought.
And so, lately, he started tosense that things were off.
His wife was getting quieterand much more distant.
She stopped laughing at hisjokes and the hugs had become
(26:54):
side glances.
Sex felt extremelytransactional, if it happened at
all for him, and so he chalkedit all up to we're stressful, we
have busy lives, maybe there'shormones going on.
What it took a friday nightafter he had offered a rushed I
love you and walked past hiswife in the hallway where she
stopped him cold and said youdon't really see me anymore,
(27:17):
jake, I feel like a ghost in myown house, and I got to tell you
that just hit Jake with so muchpower that he just stood there
stunned.
Defensive thoughts started torace through his mind.
I haven't cheated, I've beenworking my ass off.
I'm here, aren't I?
But deep down he knew somethingwas true about that, and so it
(27:38):
was that night, as he sat in hisman cave, in his garage,
drinking a beer, staring at thesilence that he had helped build
, that he realized he hadn'ttouched her affectionately in
weeks, couldn't remember thelast time that he asked her how
she was feeling, not just whatshe had done, and so every
conversation had become alogistical conversation and
(28:01):
every evening background noise.
So he hadn't meant to push heraway, but his emotional absence
had become louder than words.
So, of course, as Jakeconsidered this and contemplated
what was happening in hismarriage, he realized he didn't
want to lose her and he's damnsure didn't want to lose himself
either.
And so he did something thatJake hadn't done in years.
(28:23):
He initiated a hardconversation.
So he told her I don't knowwhen I stopped showing up
emotionally, but I want to fixthis, not you me.
I've been numb, I've beenpassive and I didn't even see
the wall that I was building.
She didn't respond withfireworks or forgiveness, but
she didn't walk away either.
(28:43):
That night they sat on thecouch for hours, talking, not
perfectly but honestly, and forthe first time in a long time,
they felt like a team again.
Over the next few months, asJake and his wife started to put
things together, he startedshowing up differently.
He started small.
It was a little hand on theshoulder as she cooked.
It was a note on the mirror.
(29:04):
He read books aboutrelationships, not just on
business, and he asked hardquestions and he listened,
without fixing it, but just tobe present.
He even caught himself sayingthat sounds hard.
I'm here Instead of here's whatyou should do.
Her eyes would begin to soften.
Their conversations were longerand they argued, yes, but they
(29:26):
repaired quicker.
And then, one night, after along day, she reached for his
hand and smiled there you are.
Jake didn't become perfect, buthe did become present, and in
doing so, he got back not justhis marriage, but he also got
back himself, becausedisconnection doesn't always
start with a blowout.
It begins with an emotionaldrift.
(29:47):
Jake didn't cheat, he didn'texplode, he simply disappeared
emotionally.
And but from the moment that hechose presence over performance
, everything changed and hestopped being a provider only
and started to be a partner.
When I think of dr john gottmanand all the great work that
he's done, he says when a manhas the courage to come home
(30:08):
emotionally, the entire familyheals.
So I think that's such powerfulwords, and so we have talked a
lot about today, and I want toget into the tips and the ideas,
more strategy for you to helpyou really embody and employ
this into your life.
And so the first tip I'm goingto have you consider is to speak
appreciation daily without aprompt, and so, as I said
(30:32):
earlier, she wants to be needed,she wants to be seen, and so
daily affirmations reaffirmsthat her presence, efforts and
spirit matter in your life.
It's going to fill theemotional tank before
disconnection has a chance tobuild, and so if we are
expressing gratitude in responseto an action thanks for dinner
then that's going to fall ondeaf ears eventually.
(30:53):
It's really just beingobservative, isn't it?
And so, just once a day,compliment her on who she is and
not on what she does.
I love how grounded you arewhen things feel chaotic, and
then maybe put a sticky note onher mirror or text.
You say it face-to-face.
The key for this process, orthis strategy, is to be
(31:14):
consistent.
Then I want you to shift fromsolution mode to presence mode,
as I said earlier.
It matters here because mostmen, when we hear a problem, we
assume that we're being asked tosolve it.
Instead, if we can reallyunderstand what our partner
actually wants, is that shewants emotional resonance, not a
(31:34):
tactical roadmap.
That's what we'd like.
The tactical roadmap, just tellme how to get there.
And so when we jump in with hey, what you need to do is and
start getting into the roadmapplanning, she's not going to
feel safe, is she?
Instead, I want you to practicethe feel, hear, ask method.
Feel, that sounds really hardhere.
(31:56):
I'm listening, keep going, askdo you want support or just
someone to sit with you in this.
This is going to start torewire your relationship dynamic
instantly, and so if we canstart to do that feel, hear and
ask, and start with those threephases I think you're going to
see a great change.
Here's tip number three Maketime for some real talk, not
(32:19):
just about logistics, and soconversation is going to revolve
around bills and kids andschedules and who's doing the
dishes, and emotional connectionis just going to die, isn't it?
So we become co-managers, notlovers, and definitely not
teammates, and so if we onlycommunicate about our
responsibilities and not desires, dreams or emotions, then it's
(32:41):
going to be a pretty stalerelationship and we're going to
become disconnected.
So how about schedule, once aweek, 30-minute connection
check-in?
And here's some questionprompts to help you get started
with that what's been on yourheart this week?
Where do you feel the mostsupported?
When or where do you feeldistant?
(33:02):
Because connection isn't goingto be spontaneous, right, and so
we need to schedule this withintention, and that helps us
build the practice and the habitso that we can have a deeper
connection.
So here's step number four leadone vulnerable conversation a
week.
See, our emotional leadershipis going to set the tone for our
(33:24):
relationship, and so when we gofirst, we make it safe for her
to open up without fear ofrejection or dismissal, then
she's going to be willing tostep in and play.
And so if we wait for ourpartner to bring something up,
that's being passive, and thisleadership invites connection,
and that's who we are as men.
And so here's a quick promptthat you can use.
(33:44):
There's something that I'vebeen feeling about, haven't
shared because I didn't know howCan I be real with you for a
moment.
When we speak like that, thenit gives an opportunity for us
to share deeply, and it opensher up to be able to receive it.
And so just speak.
It Don't rehearse anything,don't apologize, just be present
(34:05):
, be as honest as you can.
Tip five rekindle affectionwithout expectation.
So many men we treat physicalaffection as a precursor to sex,
and so that builds a lot ofpressure instead of safety.
But real intimacy is builtthrough non-sexual touch.
(34:25):
So it's simple gestures thatsay I'm here and I'm care.
But the mistake that many of usmake is only initiating
affection when we want somethingin return, and that makes our
touch feel transactional to her,and so that's something I know
that I work on consistently, andso start with some small acts
(34:46):
hands on her back when she'scooking, touch her hand during
dinner, relax hands on her backwhen she's cooking, touch her
hand during dinner, sit close onthe couch, and I mean it.
We need to rebuild the affectionas a rhythm, not as a reward,
because that has probably beeningrained in your relationship
for a very long time, and solook for moments of opportunity
where you can touch her, wherethere's no alternative motive
(35:06):
for it.
And here's a bonus I'd like youto start, if you're willing, a
connection journal.
Just keep a small notebookwhere you can log three things
each day something that younotice about her, one act of
kindness or presence that you'veoffered her, one area where you
could have shown up better.
This is going to help createsome awareness for you and
awareness is what helps createleadership that you can deploy
(35:30):
some of these tips that we justtalked about today, and so, with
these tools, I know there'slots of opportunity for us to
start things, and maybe you wanta little bit more help on that,
and so I do have a few booksthat I think would really help
drive home today's episode in amuch deeper way, and the first
one is hold me tight by dr suejohnson, and what I like about
this book is that's reallyfoundational on emotional focus
(35:53):
therapy that helps menunderstand why emotional
connection, and not logic orproblem solving, is the bedrock
to lasting intimacy.
And in this book she's going toexplain how to turn conflict
into closeness and vulnerabilityinto strength, and so I think
the greatest we can give ourpartner is that truly secure
emotional bond.
(36:13):
So it's not about saying theperfect thing, it's going to be
about staying present,especially in the hard moments.
Second book you can't besurprised I'm going to offer
this one up, but no More.
Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover, and this book speaks directly
to those of us men that arepassive or conflict avoidant,
and when we do that, all we endup by doing is destroying
(36:35):
connection.
But this classic book of hisreally helps men confront the
fear of disapproval and reclaimemotional honesty without
becoming emotionally reactive ormanipulative.
So you know, the nice guy isgoing to hide, and being an
integrated man really revealsthat we can be connected when we
stop pretending and we startleading with our truth.
(36:58):
And then, of course, the thirdpiece I want to offer you is our
Awaken man Integrity Challenge.
That's a free resource that weoffer men.
It's specifically designed tohelp you really align your
personal values with yourrelationship leadership.
It's going to include a guidedreflection, tools for you,
emotional awareness practicesand a masculine roadmap that
(37:19):
helps you really have relationalbreakthroughs, and so you can
download that toolmemberstheawakenedmannet and so
on.
As a fourth and final bonus Iwant to offer you is this PDF
download from this episode.
It's called 10 Questions toReignite Emotional Intimacy.
It's an opportunity for you tohave deeper conversations over
(37:41):
the superfluous ones thatgenerally evolve in our
relationships.
And, brother, while the realdanger in our relationship isn't
the conflict, it's that quietdisconnection.
It's the kind that sneaks inwhile we're busy building our
business, managing stress orjust trying to hold everything
together.
And so don't push your partneraway by yelling.
You push her away by goingsilent, by going numb or staying
(38:04):
emotionally absent.
The truth is that connectiontruly is a choice and it's a
muscle and it's a mission.
So, every day, get the chance tolead, not just with your
strength but with presence, notjust with answers but with
empathy, because, remember,she's not looking for us to be
perfect, she just needs us toshow up Just consistently and
(38:25):
courageously, and when werealize it's really not about
fixing her but it's about facingourself, then we can be the
kind of man that makes intimacya legacy, not just a memory.
So, gentlemen, if this episodeis something that hit with you
and you're good with it, itmeans you're awake, it means
that you care, and that's timefor you to take the lead, just
(38:46):
like how you know you can.
With that, gentlemen, I want tosay the strongest men don't
avoid hard conversations.
They initiate them.
So start today, lead withintention and live with
integrity.
I'll see you next time on therevolutionary man podcast thank
(39:08):
you for listening to therevolutionary man podcast.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Are you ready to own your destiny, to become more the
man you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
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