September 21, 2025 • 28 mins
Let me know your thoughts on the show and what topic you would like me to discuss next.
The weight of expectations has crushed the authentic spirit of countless men. We perform, achieve, and conform—wearing masks that grow heavier with each passing year—until we barely recognize the face in the mirror. What would it feel like to finally shed those expectations and reclaim your true self?
This transformative episode dives deep into the silent crisis facing modern men: the disconnect between who we truly are and who we've been told to be. Through powerful insights and vulnerable storytelling, we explore how the pressure to "man up," provide, and remain stoic creates an exhausting performance that leads to burnout, anxiety, and fractured relationships.
We challenge the dangerous assumption that achievement equals identity, revealing how society rewards men primarily for productivity rather than authentic presence. When your sense of self is built entirely on what you do rather than who you are, what happens when circumstances change? The answer often involves existential crisis and profound loss of direction.
The journey toward authenticity isn't about rebellion—it's about reclaiming oneself. Through Mark's powerful story of transformation, we witness how one executive stopped pretending and started living in alignment with his values, dramatically improving his marriage, leadership, and sense of self. This isn't about abandoning responsibility; it's about redefining it on your own terms.
Ready to break free from the prison of others' expectations? We offer five practical strategies to begin living authentically today: taking an identity inventory, practicing rather than performing, embracing discomfort as growth, finding truth-tellers, and auditing the "shoulds" that unconsciously run your life.
Take the first step toward becoming unapologetically you. Subscribe, leave a comment sharing what part of yourself you've been hiding, and join the movement of men who are choosing courage over conformity, authenticity over approval, and true masculine power over performance.
Key moments in this episode:
02:30 The Cost of Living by Expectations
06:08 The Mask We Wear
07:18 Choosing Our True Identity
08:48 Achievement vs. Identity
13:30 The Fear of Judgment
17:19 Mark's Story: A Journey to Authenticity
20:50 Tips for Becoming a Revolutionary Man
26:41 Conclusion and Call to Action
Thanks for listening to the Revolutionary Man Podcast. For more information about our programs, please use the links below to learn more about us. It could be the step that changes your life.
👉To join our movement:
⛰The Integrity Challenge
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast.
It's a show where we challengemen to redefine success, to lead
with integrity and to create alasting impact.
I'm your host, alan DeMont, sotoday we're going to dive deep
into a conversation that I thinkhits every man right at his
core, and that's the courage tobe ourself in a world full of
expectations, in a world full ofexpectations.
(00:28):
And so have you ever caughtyourself asking am I living the
life that I truly want, or justone that's expected of me?
And what have I sacrificedemotionally, mentally and even
spiritually just to be accepted,approved of or successful in
the eyes of others?
If you're like me, most of usare wrestling silently with
these questions, and it's fromthe moment that we were boys
that we were taught how tobehave, how to perform and who
(00:50):
we're really supposed to be.
And as husbands and fathers,we're praised for playing roles,
but punished for showing up asraw, as real and for being
honest.
And so here's the cost when weabandon who we are for who we
think we should be, then wedon't just lose ourselves, but
we lose our ability to lead tolove and to live fully.
(01:12):
So this disconnect starts toshow up as burnout for us as we
dive deep into our careersanxiety, disconnections from our
wife, our children and even ourown reflection in the mirror.
But I got to tell you thatthere's another way, a way that
doesn't require us to berebellious, but it does ask us
to reclaim who we are.
(01:33):
And today we're going to unpackthe myths that keep us being
stuck, the expectations thatsabotage our authenticity and
the framework for stepping intoyour identity with clarity and
with conviction.
And so if this topic resonateswith you and if you've ever felt
the tension between who you areand who the world expects you
to be, then I want you to takeaction right now.
(01:56):
Take a moment and hit thatsubscribe button and drop a
comment telling me what part ofyourself have you been keeping
hidden or what expectations areyou ready to let go of?
And when men like you engageand we create this ripple effect
, don't we?
And so it tells the world thatmasculinity isn't about just
pretending, it's about owningour truth.
(02:18):
And so we don't just listen, westep into the movement.
So be sure to hit the smashthat like and subscribe button
and let's keep this conversationgoing.
With that, let's get on withtoday's episode.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(02:55):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Stay strong, my brother.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Welcome back everyone to the show, my friends,
friends again, my name is AlanDeMonts, I'm your host and the
founder of the Revolutionary manMovement.
We challenge men to reclaim ourpurpose, to rise with integrity
and to live a life that trulymatters.
And before the break, wecracked open a couple of tough
and very necessary conversations, didn't we?
What does it mean to be a manin a world that is constantly
(03:24):
telling you who you're supposedto be?
And it's not just an idea, isit?
It's truly an inner battle.
And so you might be leading acompany, or maybe you're leading
a team, or just showing upstrong in the boardroom, but
behind these closed doors, I'mwondering where did I go?
What would it cost me tofinally show up, just as myself?
(03:46):
And I can tell you, I've beenhaving that conversation with
myself more and more this pastyear.
And so the conversation isn'tabout rebellion.
It's going to be aboutreconnection, and today's
episode is going to give useverything that we need, from
the language, the insight andthe courage so we can begin this
journey of authenticity.
(04:06):
And so let's get into today'sconversation.
And so the first point I wantto bring across is this cost of
living a life defined byexpectations, and it really
resonates with me is that wereally annoyingly shape our
identity around what othersexpect.
I can think of early in mycareer, in my life that success
(04:27):
meant getting accolades orvalidation from others.
So, whether that came from myfamily, from culture, religion
or in my professional roles,this might help us fit in and be
in that part of the in crowd.
It really starts to disconnectus from what true authenticity
is, and so over time, this costof disconnection can be
(04:49):
completely unbearable, and Idon't know how long that'll take
for you, but I guarantee youit's the road where it will lead
to.
And so over the time that we'reboys, we think about this.
We've been handed a blueprintabout how to behave, how to
achieve and how to expressourselves.
It's about manning up right.
It's about being the providerand don't cry.
And I'm not saying that thesearen't important and true pieces
(05:13):
.
They are.
But when these scripts get soingrained they become part of
our operating system, and I likethe what the psychologist Carl
Rogers says, that he argued thatthe more we conform to these
external expectations, then themore we're going to lose touch
with our true self, and soleading to a total incongruency
(05:34):
about who we are, at leastanxiety and to dissatisfaction.
And so think about it.
If you spent 20 years buildinga career in finance because
that's how your father did it orthat's what would make him
proud, and then you wake up 20years later, maybe you're 40, 45
, and you're miserable, that'snot failure, that's the cost of
(05:57):
having unconscious compliance.
So we have to consider thedecisions that we make.
Are we making them truly forourselves?
Are we making them to pleaseothers?
Second point I wanted to bringup is this mask that we wear and
how it eventually does start toweigh us down.
For many of us, ashigh-performing men, we wear
this emotional and behavioralmask, don't we?
(06:20):
It's for protecting ourconfidence.
It's the stoicism that we liveby, the perfection, or just
truly feeling lost and maybeeven a bit hollow, and so it is
this false self that becomes aperformance, and the performance
in the end does becomeexhausting, doesn't it?
Because we're not truly leaninginto who we are, and so over
(06:40):
time, we just start to feel likea stranger in our own life.
Depression, anxiety and burnoutjust aren't for mental health
issues.
They also form part of ouridentity issues.
Hbr had an article called theHidden Cost of Wearing a Mask at
Work, and it revealed thatemotional dissonance is one of
the top drivers of executiveburnout and relationship failure
(07:04):
.
Stop to think about thatExecutive burnout.
How often are we forcingourselves to be doing things
that drive the motive forwardfor others and not for ourself?
Third point I want to bring upon this topic is that the power
really lies in choosing who weare.
(07:24):
Freedom isn't going to comefrom rejecting responsibility we
still are responsible for ourlives and for supporting others
but it will come from redefiningit on our own terms.
See, that's where true powercomes in.
It's the moment that we stopoutsourcing our identity and
then we start to become theauthor of who we are.
(07:45):
And so men who take this stepare going to begin to ask
questions like what do I valueindependent of what I was taught
?
Think about that.
What do I value versus to whatI was taught?
Now, maybe those values aresimilar, but they may need a
slight change or a reframe.
The other question we start toask ourselves is what legacy do
(08:05):
I want to leave as myself, notas someone else's ideal?
I think when we live from thatperspective, we're truly going
to arise and live moreauthentically.
David Goggins, a famous formerNavy SEAL, speaks candidly about
.
He was molded by others'expectations, and it took him to
hit rock bottom and rebuild hisidentity from the inside out,
(08:28):
and his story is a blueprint forinner sovereignty.
And so when we start to thinkabout what this means for
ourselves and our lives, it'sreally about driving towards
what means the most to us.
And so Carl Jung says aprivilege of a lifetime is to
become who we truly are, andthis takes work right.
And so the second point I wantto bring across our table today
(08:52):
is why most of us confuseachievement with identity.
And so, in today'sperformance-driven world, more
so than anywhere else, that manyof us, man, we equate what we
do with who we are.
Right.
What's the first question youask somebody hey, what do you do
?
Titles become trophies, don'tthey?
And to-do lists become oursubstitutes for our self-worth.
(09:13):
What did I get done today?
My to-do list was completed.
But our achievements is reallya reflection of action, isn't it
?
Sure, I got a bunch of stuffdone, but does it match my
identity?
And so when externalcircumstances or success becomes
our internal compass, thenwe're going to truly lose our
ability to steer our life.
(09:34):
And so achievement.
Addiction is a culturally iswhat's being rewarded today,
isn't it?
And society often will rewardus as men for who we are, but
more for about how we areproductive, how much we produce
and how well we perform.
It was from the boardroom tothe backyard barbecue, right
there are.
Many conversations are oftencentered about what we do you
(09:58):
know how much we've done in ourlives and, as a result, many of
us men are going to build afragile identity around career
status, financial success andphysical dominance.
But what happens when the jobdisappears, whether that's
through your own choice, throughretirement or whatever?
What then happens?
(10:18):
What happens when our bodiesstart to break down?
Without our true inner identity?
These moments are going tobecome existential crises for us
instead of just a transitionfrom one season to the next.
As Ryan Holiday says in the Egois the Enemy.
Impressing people is utterlydifferent from truly being
(10:39):
impressive, and I think that's areally great message for us to
take on no-transcript great tothe world outside.
(11:12):
To ourselves, we feelcompletely irrelevant.
So I find that men in thisposition often feel like they're
living someone else's life.
I know that has been true forme for a long time and despite
having money in the bank andmaybe you're leading others.
It's quite different when wewrestle with the shame of not
knowing who we truly are, and soDr Jordan Peterson warns us
(11:37):
that if we don't stand forsomething inside ourselves, then
we're going to fall foreverything that's outside of us,
and I think Dr Peterson makes alot of sense there.
Another thing I want us toconsider is identity must be
built from the inside out, andwe've been saying this, I've
been saying this entire episode.
See, our true masculine powerdoesn't come from proving
(11:59):
ourselves to others.
It comes from aligning ouractions with our internal code,
doesn't it?
And that means pausing justlong enough for us to pursue our
what is meaningful.
So I want you to ask yourselfwho do you want to be, not just
what do I want to accomplish?
When we can make this shift ofvalidation to internal clarity,
(12:21):
then that changes the game,doesn't it?
We still pursue our task list,the things that we need to get
done, but we pursue it from acompletely different angle.
It also allows us to startsaying no, doesn't it, to things
that maybe used to impress us,and now we can start saying yes
to the things that really matterin our lives.
(12:42):
It's about truly taking actionon the things that we say, that
we value, and especially if noone's around watching us when
you think about the best-sellingoffer.
And a former NFL player, lewisHowe, shares openly about
chasing the external success tonumb his inner shame until he
finally confronted his past andredefined what success meant
(13:05):
from a place of integrity, fromwholeness.
And so John Maxwell is one ofmy favorite authors says success
is knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum
potential and sowing seeds thatbenefits others.
So the third point I'd like tobring to this today's
conversation is that the fear ofjudgment is silencing our true
(13:29):
self.
Many of us men fear that if weshow up as our true selves, then
we're going to be rejected, notjust by society, but maybe by
our family, by our peers, by ourpartners.
And so we wear a mask and wepre-use this to project strength
, while really what's happeningis we're hiding our insecurities
.
But this constant performanceisn't courage, it's quiet
(13:53):
desperation and it's costing usour authenticity, our
relationships and absolutelysome inner peace.
And that's because we've beenconditioned to please and to
perform.
And so when we consider, at anearly age we are told who we are
, that we should be tough,decisive, stoic and dependable.
(14:15):
And again, these are all greatvirtues, but when they become
rigid expectations, that's whenthey're going to stifle how we
express ourselves and ourindividuality.
And so, as boys, we need tolearn to love, being good, right
, and then we have to suppressthe pain about being strong and
follow a script that doesn't fitwho we are as new, unique
(14:37):
individuals.
And so it's through thisprogramming that leads many men
to develop people pleasingbehaviors or become
overachievers, just so that wecan get this validation rather
than having our ownself-acceptance.
And so this is how we becomechameleons, and we're always
shifting to who we are,depending on who's watching and
(14:58):
who is in front of us or tryingto impress.
So there's this fear of judgmentthat really weighs us down,
right, it's being misunderstoodor maybe emasculated or rejected
, and so this becomes a mentalprison for ourselves, and
whether it's from a fatherfigure, maybe it's even a
religious upbringing or socialgroup, but this fear causes us
(15:20):
to self-censor, right, we hidefrom our dreams, we downplay our
sensitivities, we start toconform because we want to avoid
conflict, and the internalsuppression does start to lead
to anxiety and resentment andfractured relationships, because
when we can't express who wetruly are, then how can we fully
(15:43):
connect to others?
I know this takes work, guys.
It takes time and it takes somepatience to figure this stuff
out, but as a result, if wedon't do this, we're going to
feel like outsiders in our ownlives.
So the real courage is going toshow up as who we are, even and
especially when it's hard.
(16:03):
Our true masculine courageisn't going to be about how
we're fighting our battles orhow, if we needed to dominate
others.
It's about standing firm in whowe are, even when it's
inconvenient.
It might be unpopular, it couldvery well be misunderstood
because they're used to seeing acertain mask.
So this doesn't mean saying yesto the life that you were meant
(16:26):
to live.
It's about saying no to thelife that others expect from you
.
But also, does it mean you'rejust being rebellious just for
the sake of it?
It means living in alignmentwith what our convictions are,
what our values are and what'struthful, and with that kind of
integrity.
That's the magnet that hasquality into it, because it's
(16:47):
going to inspire respect, it'sgoing to invite deeper
relationships and it's going tounlock your true potential.
I think about Terry Crews,another former NFL player.
He once shared how he hidbehind hyper-masculinity to
survive, and it wasn't untiltherapy helped him shed those
layers and rediscover hisauthentic self, and that started
(17:08):
to transform his marriage, hiscareer and who he was as a man.
And so EE Cummings says ittakes courage to grow up and
become who we really are.
When I think about the story ofMark and Mark is a 42-year-old
high-achieving executive, and onpaper, yeah, he looked like a
(17:29):
typical executive.
He had everything going for hima six-figure salary, truly
beautiful home, a wife, two kids.
They're respected by his peers.
But behind the scenes he trulydid feel hollow, and every day
he woke up with this weight onhis chest, not from stress, but
from pretending to be thisperfect husband, pretending to
love his high-powered role,pretending to be a strong,
(17:51):
emotionless man as his fatherhad raised him to be.
He wore a mask so long that heforgot what his real face looked
like.
He told himself he should behappy, but deep down Mark knew
he was living someone else'sidea of success.
Then the cracks started to showwhen Mark's wife confronted him
(18:12):
during a weekend getaway Idon't even know who you are
anymore she said You're alwayson, but you're never here that
sentence hit him like a punch inthe gut.
Mark realized he had becomeemotionally unavailable,
disconnected not just with hisfamily but from himself.
He had been performing forapproval, terrified that showing
(18:33):
weakness would lead torejection.
And then what was the result?
He had very shallowrelationships.
He had chronic burnout and agnawing sense of disconnection
with his own soul.
Of course, mark had to finallyask himself a question we talked
about earlier who am I when noone is watching?
A question we talked aboutearlier.
(18:53):
Who am I when no one is watching?
His turning point came during acoaching retreat.
One of the facilitators askedhim a question that stopped him
dead in his tracks what do youwant that you're afraid to say
out loud.
Mark's answer came out justtrembling I want to stop
pretending.
I want to be myself, even if itmeans disappointing people.
(19:18):
That moment changed everythingfor Mark.
He realized he didn't have toabandon his responsibilities to
find himself.
He didn't need to stop livingon autopilot.
He stopped saying yes when hemeant no and started to
reconnect to what he wanted, notwhat the world expected of him.
And it was for the first timein decades that Mark started to
(19:42):
feel this weight of relief offhis shoulders.
It wasn't because he wasquitting.
No, he was choosing.
And over the next year Mark hadto make a series of bold but
grounded shifts in his life.
He initiated much deeperconversations with his wife.
He rebuilt trust with his kidsby being more emotionally
(20:02):
present, and even stepped backfrom work obligations that
didn't align with his corevalues.
Now he still showed up as aleader, but this time he was on
his own terms.
He started to set boundaries.
He told the truth.
He lived with courage, evenwhen it made others
uncomfortable, and, ironically,the more authentic he became,
(20:23):
the more respect he earned, notjust from others, but from
himself.
The takeaway from this is thatmark didn't burn his whole life
down, did he?
The takeaway from this is thatMark didn't burn his whole life
down, did he?
But he did reclaim it.
He stopped trying to beeverything for everyone and
started being someone forhimself, and that's the power of
choosing our identity overexpectation.
(20:45):
That's the courage to be arevolutionary man, and so I
offer you a few tips here tohelp us really become
revolutionary in our lives.
When I think about our first tiptaking identity inventory and
so why is this important?
Most of us inherit our sense ofidentity from outside sources
we have been talking about thatthis entire episode whether it's
(21:07):
from family or culture,religion or a career.
This is an exercise that helpus reconnect with who our inner
compass is, and by identifyingwhat truly matters to what we
are.
The mistake that most men aregoing to make is that they're
going to confuse role withidentity, believing that we are
only as valuable as the jobtitle that we have, our income
(21:30):
or our relationship status, andso what I'd like you to do is to
set aside 20 minutes this weekand ask yourself what do I value
when no one's watching?
What would I do if I didn'tfear judgment?
And then write these answersdown and highlight the themes
that feel most energizing andfreeing to you.
(21:51):
The next tip I want to give youis to stop performing and start
practicing.
See when we live authentically.
It isn't about dramatic lifechanges, is it?
It's about small dailypractices that align our actions
with our core beliefs.
But most of us are going towait for a major life shift.
It's either going to comethrough burnout or a breakdown
(22:13):
Maybe it's in personal breakdownor relationship breakdown
before we start livingdifferently, and I'm going to
encourage you to not do thatanymore.
Instead, choose one area ofyour life where you're
performing.
Instead, just show up honestlywhether it's with your spouse,
your boss, your friends andpractice saying what you really
mean, of course, with respect.
At least once this week, seehow things start to shift for
(22:37):
you.
Tip number three embracediscomfort as your compass.
See, the path of trueauthenticity is often going to
feel uncomfortable because itchallenges our long-held beliefs
and our habits.
In this discomfort, it's notgoing to be a sign of failure.
It's going to be a signal for astep for you to grow.
(22:57):
And so most of us are going toavoid this because we're going
to retreat into our routine,we're going to start numbing our
behaviors, we're going to getpassive, aggressive.
And instead I'm going to askyou, the next time you feel this
resistance building in you tospeak your truth is just a pause
, breathe for five seconds, thensay the thing that you're
(23:23):
afraid to say with presence andbeing in the moment.
Start, small guys.
It takes courage that's goingto build this repetition for you
to take on bigger topics.
Tip number four you want tocurate a circle of truth tellers
.
You can't become yourself inisolation, right?
You can't become your true selfsitting at home.
You need men around you tochallenge you, to sharpen you
(23:46):
and to help support your growth.
But most of us men willsurround ourselves with people
who validate our masks insteadof exposing our potential.
And so I'm going to ask you,challenge you in this moment, to
identify one man in your lifewho can tell you the truth
without sugarcoating it.
Invite him into some deepconversation with you.
(24:06):
And if you don't have that man,then start being that man for
someone else.
And tip number five.
I'd like you to start auditingyour shoulds.
Many expectations that we liveby were never consciously chosen
.
Many expectations that we liveby were never consciously chosen
.
I should be a breadwinner.
I should never show weakness.
(24:30):
I should always provide.
These are shoulds that run ourlives silently.
But in the end, what do wenormally do?
We just follow these outdatedscripts out of guilt, and it's
out of alignment.
So I'm going to ask you to stopbeing a should head.
I want you to write a list ofbeing a should head.
I want you to write a list ofthe top five things that you
feel you should be doing rightnow and cross out anyone that
isn't rooted in your values, andthen rewrite them as I choose
(24:53):
to or I let go of.
There's lots of resources outthere, and doing this men's work
over the last four or so yearshas really opened up my eyes to
the work that I continue to do.
The more that I find I learnabout myself, the more I realize
of how much further I have togo, and so I want to offer you
(25:14):
some resources to help youcontinue your growth journey.
One of my most favorite bookson men's personal development is
King Warrior, magician Lover byRobert Moore and Doug Gillette.
It's really a foundational textthat explores these archetypes
of the mature masculine.
It helps men understand ourcore energies and also how we
(25:34):
can become distorted by culturalconditioning, and it's a great
deep dive into understand wheretrue masculine power resides and
how we can integrate and notdominate.
Another great book that I'vehave supported me tremendously
in my growth has been the Way ofthe Superior man by David Deida
.
David talks a lot about living,loving and leading from our
(25:57):
true self, and so if we're notliving at the edge of our truth,
then we're not living with anopen heart.
If we don't do that, then we'regoing to end up by dying with
regrets.
And the last thing I'm going toleave you is a tool.
It's built on these tips thatwe talked about today, and I
call it the Authenticity CompassWorksheet, and so this is going
to be a self-reflection toolYou'll be able to download it in
(26:18):
today's resources and to guidemen through identifying internal
versus external expectation.
It's going to help you reallylook at your personal values and
the areas where you're livingout of alignment, and it's going
to provide space to rewriteyour personal mission based on
truth, that's not on performance, and so, again, I'll have that
(26:39):
in the episodes show notes.
Gentlemen, really, at the endof the day, living authentically
isn't about rebellion.
It's going to be aboutalignment Alignment with our
deepest values, our boldesttruth and the kind of man that
we are born to be, and it's notthe man that others expect us to
be.
And so the world is alwaysgoing to throw expectations at
(27:00):
us, isn't it?
But the question is will tothrow expectations at us, isn't
it?
But the question is will youmold yourself to fit them?
Will you rise and carve yourown path?
And so your challenge I leavefor you today is to take one
insight from today's episode,whether it's identifying your
identity anchors, setting newboundaries or reflecting on the
authenticity compass.
Reflecting on the authenticitycompass and then apply it, not
(27:21):
tomorrow, not next week, applyit today.
A revolution begins when youmake your first decision.
So if you are truly seriousabout becoming the man you've
created to be, unapologetically,unshakably you, then it's time
to take action.
Go to our membership site,memberstheawakenedmannet, and
(27:42):
take our integrity challenge.
It's your personal roadmap toaligning your actions with your
purpose, reclaiming yourauthenticity and your
masculinity.
Leave a comment, drop a reviewand let's share this episode
with a brother who's ready torise Every time we engage.
Gentlemen, it helps us equipmore men to break the mold and
to lead with truth.
(28:02):
And so the strongest men?
They don't conform.
We decide.
So decide now.
Let's lead with authenticity,let's live with integrity, and
I'll see you next time on theRevolutionary man Podcast.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary
man podcast.
Are you ready to own yourdestiny, to become more the man
you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe Awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
Welcome everyone to the Revolutionary man Podcast.
It's a show where we challengemen to redefine success, to lead
with integrity and to create alasting impact.
I'm your host, alan DeMont, sotoday we're going to dive deep
into a conversation that I thinkhits every man right at his
core, and that's the courage tobe ourself in a world full of
expectations, in a world full ofexpectations.
(00:28):
And so have you ever caughtyourself asking am I living the
life that I truly want, or justone that's expected of me?
And what have I sacrificedemotionally, mentally and even
spiritually just to be accepted,approved of or successful in
the eyes of others?
If you're like me, most of usare wrestling silently with
these questions, and it's fromthe moment that we were boys
that we were taught how tobehave, how to perform and who
(00:50):
we're really supposed to be.
And as husbands and fathers,we're praised for playing roles,
but punished for showing up asraw, as real and for being
honest.
And so here's the cost when weabandon who we are for who we
think we should be, then wedon't just lose ourselves, but
we lose our ability to lead tolove and to live fully.
(01:12):
So this disconnect starts toshow up as burnout for us as we
dive deep into our careersanxiety, disconnections from our
wife, our children and even ourown reflection in the mirror.
But I got to tell you thatthere's another way, a way that
doesn't require us to berebellious, but it does ask us
to reclaim who we are.
(01:33):
And today we're going to unpackthe myths that keep us being
stuck, the expectations thatsabotage our authenticity and
the framework for stepping intoyour identity with clarity and
with conviction.
And so if this topic resonateswith you and if you've ever felt
the tension between who you areand who the world expects you
to be, then I want you to takeaction right now.
(01:56):
Take a moment and hit thatsubscribe button and drop a
comment telling me what part ofyourself have you been keeping
hidden or what expectations areyou ready to let go of?
And when men like you engageand we create this ripple effect
, don't we?
And so it tells the world thatmasculinity isn't about just
pretending, it's about owningour truth.
(02:18):
And so we don't just listen, westep into the movement.
So be sure to hit the smashthat like and subscribe button
and let's keep this conversationgoing.
With that, let's get on withtoday's episode.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(02:55):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Stay strong, my brother.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
Welcome back everyone to the show, my friends,
friends again, my name is AlanDeMonts, I'm your host and the
founder of the Revolutionary manMovement.
We challenge men to reclaim ourpurpose, to rise with integrity
and to live a life that trulymatters.
And before the break, wecracked open a couple of tough
and very necessary conversations, didn't we?
What does it mean to be a manin a world that is constantly
(03:24):
telling you who you're supposedto be?
And it's not just an idea, isit?
It's truly an inner battle.
And so you might be leading acompany, or maybe you're leading
a team, or just showing upstrong in the boardroom, but
behind these closed doors, I'mwondering where did I go?
What would it cost me tofinally show up, just as myself?
(03:46):
And I can tell you, I've beenhaving that conversation with
myself more and more this pastyear.
And so the conversation isn'tabout rebellion.
It's going to be aboutreconnection, and today's
episode is going to give useverything that we need, from
the language, the insight andthe courage so we can begin this
journey of authenticity.
(04:06):
And so let's get into today'sconversation.
And so the first point I wantto bring across is this cost of
living a life defined byexpectations, and it really
resonates with me is that wereally annoyingly shape our
identity around what othersexpect.
I can think of early in mycareer, in my life that success
(04:27):
meant getting accolades orvalidation from others.
So, whether that came from myfamily, from culture, religion
or in my professional roles,this might help us fit in and be
in that part of the in crowd.
It really starts to disconnectus from what true authenticity
is, and so over time, this costof disconnection can be
(04:49):
completely unbearable, and Idon't know how long that'll take
for you, but I guarantee youit's the road where it will lead
to.
And so over the time that we'reboys, we think about this.
We've been handed a blueprintabout how to behave, how to
achieve and how to expressourselves.
It's about manning up right.
It's about being the providerand don't cry.
And I'm not saying that thesearen't important and true pieces
(05:13):
.
They are.
But when these scripts get soingrained they become part of
our operating system, and I likethe what the psychologist Carl
Rogers says, that he argued thatthe more we conform to these
external expectations, then themore we're going to lose touch
with our true self, and soleading to a total incongruency
(05:34):
about who we are, at leastanxiety and to dissatisfaction.
And so think about it.
If you spent 20 years buildinga career in finance because
that's how your father did it orthat's what would make him
proud, and then you wake up 20years later, maybe you're 40, 45
, and you're miserable, that'snot failure, that's the cost of
(05:57):
having unconscious compliance.
So we have to consider thedecisions that we make.
Are we making them truly forourselves?
Are we making them to pleaseothers?
Second point I wanted to bringup is this mask that we wear and
how it eventually does start toweigh us down.
For many of us, ashigh-performing men, we wear
this emotional and behavioralmask, don't we?
(06:20):
It's for protecting ourconfidence.
It's the stoicism that we liveby, the perfection, or just
truly feeling lost and maybeeven a bit hollow, and so it is
this false self that becomes aperformance, and the performance
in the end does becomeexhausting, doesn't it?
Because we're not truly leaninginto who we are, and so over
(06:40):
time, we just start to feel likea stranger in our own life.
Depression, anxiety and burnoutjust aren't for mental health
issues.
They also form part of ouridentity issues.
Hbr had an article called theHidden Cost of Wearing a Mask at
Work, and it revealed thatemotional dissonance is one of
the top drivers of executiveburnout and relationship failure
(07:04):
.
Stop to think about thatExecutive burnout.
How often are we forcingourselves to be doing things
that drive the motive forwardfor others and not for ourself?
Third point I want to bring upon this topic is that the power
really lies in choosing who weare.
(07:24):
Freedom isn't going to comefrom rejecting responsibility we
still are responsible for ourlives and for supporting others
but it will come from redefiningit on our own terms.
See, that's where true powercomes in.
It's the moment that we stopoutsourcing our identity and
then we start to become theauthor of who we are.
(07:45):
And so men who take this stepare going to begin to ask
questions like what do I valueindependent of what I was taught
?
Think about that.
What do I value versus to whatI was taught?
Now, maybe those values aresimilar, but they may need a
slight change or a reframe.
The other question we start toask ourselves is what legacy do
(08:05):
I want to leave as myself, notas someone else's ideal?
I think when we live from thatperspective, we're truly going
to arise and live moreauthentically.
David Goggins, a famous formerNavy SEAL, speaks candidly about
.
He was molded by others'expectations, and it took him to
hit rock bottom and rebuild hisidentity from the inside out,
(08:28):
and his story is a blueprint forinner sovereignty.
And so when we start to thinkabout what this means for
ourselves and our lives, it'sreally about driving towards
what means the most to us.
And so Carl Jung says aprivilege of a lifetime is to
become who we truly are, andthis takes work right.
And so the second point I wantto bring across our table today
(08:52):
is why most of us confuseachievement with identity.
And so, in today'sperformance-driven world, more
so than anywhere else, that manyof us, man, we equate what we
do with who we are.
Right.
What's the first question youask somebody hey, what do you do
?
Titles become trophies, don'tthey?
And to-do lists become oursubstitutes for our self-worth.
(09:13):
What did I get done today?
My to-do list was completed.
But our achievements is reallya reflection of action, isn't it
?
Sure, I got a bunch of stuffdone, but does it match my
identity?
And so when externalcircumstances or success becomes
our internal compass, thenwe're going to truly lose our
ability to steer our life.
(09:34):
And so achievement.
Addiction is a culturally iswhat's being rewarded today,
isn't it?
And society often will rewardus as men for who we are, but
more for about how we areproductive, how much we produce
and how well we perform.
It was from the boardroom tothe backyard barbecue, right
there are.
Many conversations are oftencentered about what we do you
(09:58):
know how much we've done in ourlives and, as a result, many of
us men are going to build afragile identity around career
status, financial success andphysical dominance.
But what happens when the jobdisappears, whether that's
through your own choice, throughretirement or whatever?
What then happens?
(10:18):
What happens when our bodiesstart to break down?
Without our true inner identity?
These moments are going tobecome existential crises for us
instead of just a transitionfrom one season to the next.
As Ryan Holiday says in the Egois the Enemy.
Impressing people is utterlydifferent from truly being
(10:39):
impressive, and I think that's areally great message for us to
take on no-transcript great tothe world outside.
(11:12):
To ourselves, we feelcompletely irrelevant.
So I find that men in thisposition often feel like they're
living someone else's life.
I know that has been true forme for a long time and despite
having money in the bank andmaybe you're leading others.
It's quite different when wewrestle with the shame of not
knowing who we truly are, and soDr Jordan Peterson warns us
(11:37):
that if we don't stand forsomething inside ourselves, then
we're going to fall foreverything that's outside of us,
and I think Dr Peterson makes alot of sense there.
Another thing I want us toconsider is identity must be
built from the inside out, andwe've been saying this, I've
been saying this entire episode.
See, our true masculine powerdoesn't come from proving
(11:59):
ourselves to others.
It comes from aligning ouractions with our internal code,
doesn't it?
And that means pausing justlong enough for us to pursue our
what is meaningful.
So I want you to ask yourselfwho do you want to be, not just
what do I want to accomplish?
When we can make this shift ofvalidation to internal clarity,
(12:21):
then that changes the game,doesn't it?
We still pursue our task list,the things that we need to get
done, but we pursue it from acompletely different angle.
It also allows us to startsaying no, doesn't it, to things
that maybe used to impress us,and now we can start saying yes
to the things that really matterin our lives.
(12:42):
It's about truly taking actionon the things that we say, that
we value, and especially if noone's around watching us when
you think about the best-sellingoffer.
And a former NFL player, lewisHowe, shares openly about
chasing the external success tonumb his inner shame until he
finally confronted his past andredefined what success meant
(13:05):
from a place of integrity, fromwholeness.
And so John Maxwell is one ofmy favorite authors says success
is knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum
potential and sowing seeds thatbenefits others.
So the third point I'd like tobring to this today's
conversation is that the fear ofjudgment is silencing our true
(13:29):
self.
Many of us men fear that if weshow up as our true selves, then
we're going to be rejected, notjust by society, but maybe by
our family, by our peers, by ourpartners.
And so we wear a mask and wepre-use this to project strength
, while really what's happeningis we're hiding our insecurities
.
But this constant performanceisn't courage, it's quiet
(13:53):
desperation and it's costing usour authenticity, our
relationships and absolutelysome inner peace.
And that's because we've beenconditioned to please and to
perform.
And so when we consider, at anearly age we are told who we are
, that we should be tough,decisive, stoic and dependable.
(14:15):
And again, these are all greatvirtues, but when they become
rigid expectations, that's whenthey're going to stifle how we
express ourselves and ourindividuality.
And so, as boys, we need tolearn to love, being good, right
, and then we have to suppressthe pain about being strong and
follow a script that doesn't fitwho we are as new, unique
(14:37):
individuals.
And so it's through thisprogramming that leads many men
to develop people pleasingbehaviors or become
overachievers, just so that wecan get this validation rather
than having our ownself-acceptance.
And so this is how we becomechameleons, and we're always
shifting to who we are,depending on who's watching and
(14:58):
who is in front of us or tryingto impress.
So there's this fear of judgmentthat really weighs us down,
right, it's being misunderstoodor maybe emasculated or rejected
, and so this becomes a mentalprison for ourselves, and
whether it's from a fatherfigure, maybe it's even a
religious upbringing or socialgroup, but this fear causes us
(15:20):
to self-censor, right, we hidefrom our dreams, we downplay our
sensitivities, we start toconform because we want to avoid
conflict, and the internalsuppression does start to lead
to anxiety and resentment andfractured relationships, because
when we can't express who wetruly are, then how can we fully
(15:43):
connect to others?
I know this takes work, guys.
It takes time and it takes somepatience to figure this stuff
out, but as a result, if wedon't do this, we're going to
feel like outsiders in our ownlives.
So the real courage is going toshow up as who we are, even and
especially when it's hard.
(16:03):
Our true masculine courageisn't going to be about how
we're fighting our battles orhow, if we needed to dominate
others.
It's about standing firm in whowe are, even when it's
inconvenient.
It might be unpopular, it couldvery well be misunderstood
because they're used to seeing acertain mask.
So this doesn't mean saying yesto the life that you were meant
(16:26):
to live.
It's about saying no to thelife that others expect from you
.
But also, does it mean you'rejust being rebellious just for
the sake of it?
It means living in alignmentwith what our convictions are,
what our values are and what'struthful, and with that kind of
integrity.
That's the magnet that hasquality into it, because it's
(16:47):
going to inspire respect, it'sgoing to invite deeper
relationships and it's going tounlock your true potential.
I think about Terry Crews,another former NFL player.
He once shared how he hidbehind hyper-masculinity to
survive, and it wasn't untiltherapy helped him shed those
layers and rediscover hisauthentic self, and that started
(17:08):
to transform his marriage, hiscareer and who he was as a man.
And so EE Cummings says ittakes courage to grow up and
become who we really are.
When I think about the story ofMark and Mark is a 42-year-old
high-achieving executive, and onpaper, yeah, he looked like a
(17:29):
typical executive.
He had everything going for hima six-figure salary, truly
beautiful home, a wife, two kids.
They're respected by his peers.
But behind the scenes he trulydid feel hollow, and every day
he woke up with this weight onhis chest, not from stress, but
from pretending to be thisperfect husband, pretending to
love his high-powered role,pretending to be a strong,
(17:51):
emotionless man as his fatherhad raised him to be.
He wore a mask so long that heforgot what his real face looked
like.
He told himself he should behappy, but deep down Mark knew
he was living someone else'sidea of success.
Then the cracks started to showwhen Mark's wife confronted him
(18:12):
during a weekend getaway Idon't even know who you are
anymore she said You're alwayson, but you're never here that
sentence hit him like a punch inthe gut.
Mark realized he had becomeemotionally unavailable,
disconnected not just with hisfamily but from himself.
He had been performing forapproval, terrified that showing
(18:33):
weakness would lead torejection.
And then what was the result?
He had very shallowrelationships.
He had chronic burnout and agnawing sense of disconnection
with his own soul.
Of course, mark had to finallyask himself a question we talked
about earlier who am I when noone is watching?
A question we talked aboutearlier.
(18:53):
Who am I when no one is watching?
His turning point came during acoaching retreat.
One of the facilitators askedhim a question that stopped him
dead in his tracks what do youwant that you're afraid to say
out loud.
Mark's answer came out justtrembling I want to stop
pretending.
I want to be myself, even if itmeans disappointing people.
(19:18):
That moment changed everythingfor Mark.
He realized he didn't have toabandon his responsibilities to
find himself.
He didn't need to stop livingon autopilot.
He stopped saying yes when hemeant no and started to
reconnect to what he wanted, notwhat the world expected of him.
And it was for the first timein decades that Mark started to
(19:42):
feel this weight of relief offhis shoulders.
It wasn't because he wasquitting.
No, he was choosing.
And over the next year Mark hadto make a series of bold but
grounded shifts in his life.
He initiated much deeperconversations with his wife.
He rebuilt trust with his kidsby being more emotionally
(20:02):
present, and even stepped backfrom work obligations that
didn't align with his corevalues.
Now he still showed up as aleader, but this time he was on
his own terms.
He started to set boundaries.
He told the truth.
He lived with courage, evenwhen it made others
uncomfortable, and, ironically,the more authentic he became,
(20:23):
the more respect he earned, notjust from others, but from
himself.
The takeaway from this is thatmark didn't burn his whole life
down, did he?
The takeaway from this is thatMark didn't burn his whole life
down, did he?
But he did reclaim it.
He stopped trying to beeverything for everyone and
started being someone forhimself, and that's the power of
choosing our identity overexpectation.
(20:45):
That's the courage to be arevolutionary man, and so I
offer you a few tips here tohelp us really become
revolutionary in our lives.
When I think about our first tiptaking identity inventory and
so why is this important?
Most of us inherit our sense ofidentity from outside sources
we have been talking about thatthis entire episode whether it's
(21:07):
from family or culture,religion or a career.
This is an exercise that helpus reconnect with who our inner
compass is, and by identifyingwhat truly matters to what we
are.
The mistake that most men aregoing to make is that they're
going to confuse role withidentity, believing that we are
only as valuable as the jobtitle that we have, our income
(21:30):
or our relationship status, andso what I'd like you to do is to
set aside 20 minutes this weekand ask yourself what do I value
when no one's watching?
What would I do if I didn'tfear judgment?
And then write these answersdown and highlight the themes
that feel most energizing andfreeing to you.
(21:51):
The next tip I want to give youis to stop performing and start
practicing.
See when we live authentically.
It isn't about dramatic lifechanges, is it?
It's about small dailypractices that align our actions
with our core beliefs.
But most of us are going towait for a major life shift.
It's either going to comethrough burnout or a breakdown
(22:13):
Maybe it's in personal breakdownor relationship breakdown
before we start livingdifferently, and I'm going to
encourage you to not do thatanymore.
Instead, choose one area ofyour life where you're
performing.
Instead, just show up honestlywhether it's with your spouse,
your boss, your friends andpractice saying what you really
mean, of course, with respect.
At least once this week, seehow things start to shift for
(22:37):
you.
Tip number three embracediscomfort as your compass.
See, the path of trueauthenticity is often going to
feel uncomfortable because itchallenges our long-held beliefs
and our habits.
In this discomfort, it's notgoing to be a sign of failure.
It's going to be a signal for astep for you to grow.
(22:57):
And so most of us are going toavoid this because we're going
to retreat into our routine,we're going to start numbing our
behaviors, we're going to getpassive, aggressive.
And instead I'm going to askyou, the next time you feel this
resistance building in you tospeak your truth is just a pause
, breathe for five seconds, thensay the thing that you're
(23:23):
afraid to say with presence andbeing in the moment.
Start, small guys.
It takes courage that's goingto build this repetition for you
to take on bigger topics.
Tip number four you want tocurate a circle of truth tellers
.
You can't become yourself inisolation, right?
You can't become your true selfsitting at home.
You need men around you tochallenge you, to sharpen you
(23:46):
and to help support your growth.
But most of us men willsurround ourselves with people
who validate our masks insteadof exposing our potential.
And so I'm going to ask you,challenge you in this moment, to
identify one man in your lifewho can tell you the truth
without sugarcoating it.
Invite him into some deepconversation with you.
(24:06):
And if you don't have that man,then start being that man for
someone else.
And tip number five.
I'd like you to start auditingyour shoulds.
Many expectations that we liveby were never consciously chosen
.
Many expectations that we liveby were never consciously chosen
.
I should be a breadwinner.
I should never show weakness.
(24:30):
I should always provide.
These are shoulds that run ourlives silently.
But in the end, what do wenormally do?
We just follow these outdatedscripts out of guilt, and it's
out of alignment.
So I'm going to ask you to stopbeing a should head.
I want you to write a list ofbeing a should head.
I want you to write a list ofthe top five things that you
feel you should be doing rightnow and cross out anyone that
isn't rooted in your values, andthen rewrite them as I choose
(24:53):
to or I let go of.
There's lots of resources outthere, and doing this men's work
over the last four or so yearshas really opened up my eyes to
the work that I continue to do.
The more that I find I learnabout myself, the more I realize
of how much further I have togo, and so I want to offer you
(25:14):
some resources to help youcontinue your growth journey.
One of my most favorite bookson men's personal development is
King Warrior, magician Lover byRobert Moore and Doug Gillette.
It's really a foundational textthat explores these archetypes
of the mature masculine.
It helps men understand ourcore energies and also how we
(25:34):
can become distorted by culturalconditioning, and it's a great
deep dive into understand wheretrue masculine power resides and
how we can integrate and notdominate.
Another great book that I'vehave supported me tremendously
in my growth has been the Way ofthe Superior man by David Deida
.
David talks a lot about living,loving and leading from our
(25:57):
true self, and so if we're notliving at the edge of our truth,
then we're not living with anopen heart.
If we don't do that, then we'regoing to end up by dying with
regrets.
And the last thing I'm going toleave you is a tool.
It's built on these tips thatwe talked about today, and I
call it the Authenticity CompassWorksheet, and so this is going
to be a self-reflection toolYou'll be able to download it in
(26:18):
today's resources and to guidemen through identifying internal
versus external expectation.
It's going to help you reallylook at your personal values and
the areas where you're livingout of alignment, and it's going
to provide space to rewriteyour personal mission based on
truth, that's not on performance, and so, again, I'll have that
(26:39):
in the episodes show notes.
Gentlemen, really, at the endof the day, living authentically
isn't about rebellion.
It's going to be aboutalignment Alignment with our
deepest values, our boldesttruth and the kind of man that
we are born to be, and it's notthe man that others expect us to
be.
And so the world is alwaysgoing to throw expectations at
(27:00):
us, isn't it?
But the question is will tothrow expectations at us, isn't
it?
But the question is will youmold yourself to fit them?
Will you rise and carve yourown path?
And so your challenge I leavefor you today is to take one
insight from today's episode,whether it's identifying your
identity anchors, setting newboundaries or reflecting on the
authenticity compass.
Reflecting on the authenticitycompass and then apply it, not
(27:21):
tomorrow, not next week, applyit today.
A revolution begins when youmake your first decision.
So if you are truly seriousabout becoming the man you've
created to be, unapologetically,unshakably you, then it's time
to take action.
Go to our membership site,memberstheawakenedmannet, and
(27:42):
take our integrity challenge.
It's your personal roadmap toaligning your actions with your
purpose, reclaiming yourauthenticity and your
masculinity.
Leave a comment, drop a reviewand let's share this episode
with a brother who's ready torise Every time we engage.
Gentlemen, it helps us equipmore men to break the mold and
to lead with truth.
(28:02):
And so the strongest men?
They don't conform.
We decide.
So decide now.
Let's lead with authenticity,let's live with integrity, and
I'll see you next time on theRevolutionary man Podcast.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary
man podcast.
Are you ready to own yourdestiny, to become more the man
you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe Awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
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