May 20, 2025 • 42 mins
Let me know your thoughts on the show and what topic you would like me to discuss next.
In this episode of the Revolutionary Man podcast, host Alain Dumonceaux discusses the importance of embodying strength, purpose, and authenticity for building genuine attraction and maintaining fulfilling relationships. Special guest Paul Bauer, a certified master life coach and NLP practitioner, shares insights on reprogramming mindsets, redefining masculine presence, and mastering the dynamics of connection. Listen as Paul recounts his personal journey through unfulfilling relationships and offers practical strategies for men to take control of their lives and transform their relationships. Key topics include handling emotional control, setting boundaries, and overcoming the 'nice guy' syndrome.
Key Moments In This Episode:
06:32 The Turning Point: Divorce and Self-Improvement
09:32 The Power of Men's Groups and Self-Help Books
12:04 Understanding Masculine Presence and Emotional Control
19:06 Exploring Red Pill Ideology
22:42 The Myth of the Dead Bedroom
24:17 The Burden of Performance
29:29 The Role of Alpha and Beta Traits
32:48 The Betaization Process
35:09 Taking Responsibility and Setting Boundaries
38:10 Effective Communication Strategies
How To Reach Paul:
Website: https://www.fixdeadbedrooms.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/comeonmanpodcast
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/comeonmanpodcast/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/comeonmanpodcast
Thanks for listening to the Revolutionary Man Podcast. If you want more information about our programs, use the links below to check us out. It could be the step that changes your life.
Want to be a guest on The Revolutionary Man Podcast? Send Alain Dumonceaux a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/revolutionarymanpodcast
👉To join our movement:
⛰The Integrity Challenge
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Imagine being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling
relationships, wondering whysparks fade, why communications
feel hollow and why you're leftquestioning your confidence as a
man.
What if the problem isn't whatyou're saying but who you're
being.
True connection, attraction andleadership doesn't come from
words.
They come from embodyingstrength, purpose and
(00:20):
authenticity.
And in today's episode, we'regoing to explore how,
reprogramming our mindset,rebuilding our masculine
presence and the mastering theart of maintaining genuine
attraction in relationships.
And so together we're going tounpack a lot of practical
strategies and elevate yourconfidence so your relationships
and your life are far better.
And before we get into today'stopic, let's also talk a moment
(00:44):
about one thing that needs tochange in your life, and we all
know what that is, and that isbeing true to ourselves.
In a world that is constantlypulling us in different
directions, the pressure toprovide and perform and
persevere can leave us feelingdisconnected, like we're
drifting further from the man weintended to be.
So if you felt stuck orfrustrated or unsure of how to
(01:06):
bridge that gap between the lifethat you have and the life that
you want, let me introduce youto Living With Integrity.
This is more than just aprogram.
It's a roadmap oftransformation.
You're going to learn how toalign your actions with your
values, rebuild meaningfulconnections, create a legacy
that truly matters.
So if you're ready to takecontrol of your life with
(01:27):
purpose and become the man yourfamily, community and future
need you to be, I'm going tochallenge you to start today.
Go to memberstheawakenmannetand begin your journey by taking
our free integrity challenge,because the only thing standing
between you and the life you'recapable of is decision.
To take that first step, andwith that, let's get on with
(01:48):
today's episode.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Ever crossing the finish lineto living a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(02:14):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Stay strong, my brother.
Welcome everyone to theRevolutionary man Podcast.
I'm the founder of the Awakenedman Movement and your host,
alan DeMonso.
So are you leading yourrelationships with confidence
and purpose, or are self-doubtand old patterns holding you
back from becoming the manyou're meant to be?
And how much of yourrelationship struggles stem from
(02:41):
focusing on communication, whenthe real issue lines with the
lack of attraction and yourmasculine leadership?
Attraction and leadership andconfidence are the cornerstones
of fulfilling relationships anda purpose-driven life.
By shifting our mindset andembracing our masculine presence
, we can break free fromself-doubt and step boldly into
(03:04):
our full potential.
And today, my guest is going tohelp us do just that.
So allow me to introduce him.
Paul Bauer is a certifiedMaster Life Coach and NLP
practitioner with a specialty inhelping men transform their
relationships and reignitepassion in their marriages.
Paul has a wealth of experienceguiding men to understand the
psychology of attraction and thekeys to reclaiming their
(03:27):
masculine confidence and, withproven techniques, to overcome
self-limiting beliefs, rebuildself-assurance and master the
dynamics of connection.
Paul's expertise empowers mento take control of their
romantic lives and truly getbetter with women.
Welcome to the show, paul.
How are things, my friend?
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Things are good, Alan .
Thank you so much for having meon today.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Yeah, thanks for reaching out.
I really appreciate and admirethe work that you're doing, and
so I'm really looking forward toour conversation today and here
at the Revolutionary manPodcast.
We always want to talk with ourguests about their hero's quest
or their journey, and so we'regoing to start with that and ask
you about that.
Tell us about that time of thatdeath and rebirth moment, and
(04:10):
how that experience shaped youinto the man you are today and
the work that you're doing.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Yeah, I like to call that my Batman origin story.
Yeah, so it all started.
If you go back to when I was inhigh school, I grew up in rural
Colorado.
If you go back to when I was inhigh school, I grew up in rural
(04:39):
Colorado.
I was always a little bit of aladies' man, but I was the kind
of guy that was always sniperdating.
I was always like one girl at atime.
Every girl that was somewhatnice to me I would go left for
the Navy when I was 18, servedin the US military, and then,
two years into my enlistment, Iwent home on leave and I met my
now ex-wife, and the thing wasis I went home on leave, I was
living in California and she wasliving here in Colorado, and I
met her, and we basically hadthis long distance relationship
(05:01):
for about a year before Iconvinced her to move out with
me in San Diego, and so we onlyactually knew each other in
person about three months beforewe eloped Alan Can you imagine
what a bad idea that is and so Iwasn't even old enough to drink
alcohol yet.
I was 20 years old when I gotmarried, and so, luckily though,
(05:23):
we eloped and things did workout for a while and we have two
wonderful kids and we stayedmarried for 14 years.
But I got to tell you, man, thelast half of that marriage was
miserable for me.
It was.
I hated being around her.
I would stay late at work.
I'd work like 17 hour days justso I wouldn't have to go home,
alan, because I knew that if I,when I came home, I was going to
(05:45):
get an earful, and so I waslike you know what?
It's better to just stay atwork and just be a provider and
put food on the table.
Then I don't have to hear aboutit when I get home.
There was times where I didn'teven want to go to bed with her
at night.
I would go in the garage andgrab a cot and go sleep in my
office.
I just it was absolute misery,but I was the kind of guy who I
would have never quit because Imade vows.
(06:06):
This is what you do.
You're supposed to be miserable, and I always point to my
parents because they're stilltogether, but they're absolutely
miserable together.
But I thought I had thisparadigm.
That's just the way life wassupposed to be.
You get married, everything'shot and heavy in the beginning.
You pop out a couple of kidsand then everything just goes
downhill after that and you'rebasically Al Bundy.
Thank God my now ex-wife hadthe strength to file for divorce
(06:32):
.
This was back in 2014.
She filed for divorce.
I was 50 pounds overweight,which I think very much led to
the end of that relationship,because I just wasn't being the
attractive guy.
I thought I'd reached some kindof mythical finish line.
And so I find myself back onthe dating circuit after 15
years of being out of practice,just floundering around
(06:53):
overweight, not being good withwomen, just waiting for a
written invitation to go in fora kiss or anything because of
the whole Me Too movement stuff,and I just sucked with women
and then by 11 months went byand luckily some I lovingly say
this a chubby chaser took pityon me and I ended up in another
(07:14):
relationship because it was thesame pattern.
It's like I went all in on thefirst girl.
That's nice to me.
I get in this relationship, Iimmediately go into husband mode
, where I think I reached amythical finish line, and I
immediately started the badpatterns that I was doing near
the end of my marriage andluckily this relationship only
(07:34):
lasted four and a half years.
But two years into thisrelationship, that girl mentally
checked out and she startedlining up her male orbiters and
guys she was working with andall of a sudden, after four
years, she starts hey, I'm busy,I don't want to, I don't want
to see you, I don't want you tocome down to my house anymore.
And I'm like what's going on?
And the last time I went downthere, all my stuff that I would
(07:55):
keep at her house she hadhidden away.
I had a dog bed for my dog.
She hid that in her closetsomewhere.
My toothbrush was in one of herdrawers and I was like what's
going on?
Like why are you putting mystuff away?
Oh, I was just tidying up orwhatever.
She was cheating on me at theend and she had started pushing
me away so much that I finallyjust was like I can't be in a
relationship like this.
(08:16):
So I ended up breaking up withher and then found out about the
cheating stuff later.
But now I'm back on the datingcircuit again.
The good thing is that womanreally got me into fitness and I
started running.
I lost all the weight.
So this time was 2019.
I'm back on the dating circuit.
I'm way lighter, I'm lookingbetter, I'm able to get dates
(08:37):
and I'm hooking up with girls,but I can't keep them around
longer than two dates.
And I'm like what am I doingwrong here?
Man, like the two biggestrelationships I had in my life
failed.
I can't keep women aroundlonger than two dates.
I'm clearly the problem here.
I'm the common denominator, andso another blessing with that
four and a half yearrelationship was that she was
(08:58):
really big into audio books, andso I was like you know what?
I bet you there's audio books Icould start listening to where
I can figure this out?
And, man, I went on a deep diveand I started reading books
like no More Mr Nice Guy by DrRobert Glover, how to Be a 3%
man by Corey Wayne, atomicAttraction, christopher Campbell
, the Rational Male, like youname it.
I read it.
Some of them I've read 25 times, 15 times or whatever, because
(09:21):
one of the things I learned fromCorey Wayne's book is that if
you really want to master theinformation, you have to listen
to it at least 10 to 15 times,because we only retain about 10%
of the information that welisten to.
And in that process, I foundmyself in a men's group, a free
men's group on Facebook calledthe 3% man Group.
We were all studying CoreyWayne's material.
That group went away Somehow.
(09:42):
The owner of the group gotbanned or something, and so that
group, like mass, went away.
There was thousands of peoplein that group.
But out of that group I startedmy podcast, the Come On man
podcast, and I originally wasjust interviewing other guys in
the group.
Just hey, man, how'd you findyourself in this space?
And it's funny like everyone'sstory is the same.
We all end up in the spacebecause of a bad breakup.
(10:02):
And then it's a small group ofguys, though that really look at
themselves Like what am I doingwrong?
Most people like to point thefinger at other people and they
never learned their lesson.
But no matter what relationshipyou're in, you're the common
denominator, you, a lot ofpeople.
They'll find out that they endup dating the same person after
(10:23):
one after the other it's justwith a different face, because
they never learned their lesson.
All of us in that group wereall.
We were all trying to level up.
And then now that group, Istarted interviewing other
authors and people in the spaceand from there the podcast got
bigger.
I've written three books now,and I started coaching men a
couple of years ago, so thatit's been a hell of a journey,
man.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Yeah, absolutely.
What a great, what a great wayto kick off today's episode is.
Took a page where the noteshere a couple of things that
really popped out to me is whenyou talked about really about
being that guy that I'm nevergoing to quit, and then right
away you tied that in withthat's how I, that's what I saw
from my parents do, and they hada miserable marriage, and so
I'm out as I need to do the samething, and how often in life,
(11:05):
as as men do, we do that.
We model that really criticalrelationship that we see and
generally speak it's going to beour parents and so we make the
same mistakes.
And then a little later youtalked about always attracting
and being with the same type ofperson, and again, I think
that's a testament to modelingright and what we see.
We get comfortable in a certainstyle and then yet it irritates
(11:29):
us after the fact because wehaven't gone deep enough.
And, to your point, many of us,many men, just would prefer to
look at the external and lookfor that validation.
And, depending on how quicklyit came and sounds like for you
as soon as you got the nod, thenthat was enough for you to jump
in.
You got the, the net, the nodthen that was enough for you to
jump in and many of us man I can.
That just resonates.
I was so shit scared in myfirst marriage.
(11:50):
I married my high schoolsweetheart because I never
thought that I would ever bethis lucky and and while we have
two children as well.
It was a really a painfulrelationship from high school on
but didn't have the confidence,and so I want to move into
really talking about.
Is when the intro I really talka lot about your work and
masculine presence and so whatdo you truly mean by that and
(12:14):
how can we maintain that?
And being more attractive.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Yeah, it's one of the things that I ended up learning
one from, no, mr Nice Guy, butalso mainly from Corey Wayne was
that you'll find that whenwe're in relationships a lot of
us we're in a relationshipbecause we want to save a woman
right, there's some derogatoryterms for that term in there but
we have the savior complexwhere we get with women that
(12:40):
have lots of problems and we'relike, oh, I can fix her or I'm
going to be there for her, I'mgoing to be her knight in
shining armor, and what tends tohappen is we end up getting a
lot of toxic relationships thatwe probably should have never
been in to begin with when we dothat sort of thing.
And then, when we're doing that, a lot of it ends up being what
Dr Glover calls a covertcontract, where you're doing
(13:00):
this stuff to be her savior,expecting something in return,
like her validation and herappreciation of all this nice
stuff you're doing, and yourarely get it.
And when you don't get it, thatbuilds resentment which causes
relationships to start eroding.
When you just have all thisresentment with the person
you're with, that just doesn'twork out.
(13:20):
But another big thing that Ilearned both from Dr Glover and
from Corey Wayne was that menreally do better in
relationships when they set thetone and take the lead.
You talked about confidence.
Confidence is paramount, but alot of guys aren't confident
enough to make decisions intheir relationship.
That's another thing.
You got to be decisive, you gotto be assertive, you got to be
(13:43):
able to set boundaries.
You've got to have an elementof emotional control.
That is probably the hardestthing for men to have and
believe it or not, because weall think that we're these
rational beings and women arethese emotional creatures.
It's so.
Many guys are controlled bytheir emotions.
Your wife starts nitpicking atyou.
What's your first reaction?
To blast back at her or tostart explaining yourself or
(14:04):
trying to rationalize why you doanything you're doing.
All that kind of stuff puts youat a weaker position than her
and you're not actually leadingthe relationship.
But when you can have a littlebit of emotional control and not
take what she says so seriously, have a little bit of emotional
control and not take what shesays so seriously, not take it
so personally, she actuallytrusts you more.
Yes, because she's able torelax into her feminine.
She realizes, oh man, myemotional storms aren't knocking
(14:28):
this guy off center.
There's something about thisguy.
He's strong, right, that'sstrength, that's emotional
strength and women gravitatetowards that, and so once a guy
can learn that man, it's just areally powerful element in a
healthy relationship that a lotof guys just have never been
taught how to do.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Oh, I completely agree with that, and I think,
because we lack this emotionalcontrol and I think you know,
for me that's probably thebiggest stumbling block or
hurdle that we have to overcome.
And I tie emotional controlinto these five levels of
intimacy, and what I mean bythat is how comfortable we are
in sharing where we're at withsomething.
(15:06):
And most guys would rather be,would rather protect themselves
and not really get too deep init, because, let's face it,
who's going to receive the mostamount of rejection in their
life?
It's going to be women or is itgoing to be men?
And I would argue that menreceive the most amount of
rejection because we're alwaysputting ourselves out there.
And so when we get comfortableenough that we can withstand her
(15:30):
strong emotion, then we canstart to share where we're at
with things.
What do you think about whatI'm saying there?
Does that resonate with you?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
That does resonate, but it's interesting.
It's not a very popular opinion.
I come from the Red Pill space.
Red Pill gets a lot of bad rap.
We got bad actors in the space,like Andrew Tate and stuff, but
there's some good guys in thespace and really a lot of people
think that Red Pill is abouthating women.
It's not.
It's really about men's sexualstrategy and a positive male
identity.
That's really what it's allabout, and one of the things
(16:04):
that we say in the space is thatwomen don't care about men's
problems.
They wait at the finish lineand they date the winners.
That's the polite way of sayingit.
So one thing that we will sayin the space is not to be.
What you're talking about isbeing vulnerable, right being
vulnerable with your girl, andone of the things that we'll
tell guys in the space is thatbeing vulnerable can be a trap.
(16:26):
It can be a trap because whatyou'll find is that there's a
really great book out therecalled Practical Female
Psychology, and they talk aboutwhat's called the baitization
process, which I talk about inmy latest book Get Her to F you
again.
But the baitization process isa five-step process, and the
second part of the process iswhere women really want you to
(16:48):
open up and be more vulnerablewith them, and the thing is that
women have this nasty tendencyof taking your vulnerabilities
and using it against you 100%.
So what we will say to guys inthe space is look, man, you're
not a robot, you're not thestoic master avatar of a statue.
Okay, you have emotions.
You're going to have a bad day,right.
(17:09):
I think a positive way of doingthat, because you're going to
find yourself opening up to yourgirl.
You're going to have a bad dayToday, just full disclosure.
I had to put my dog down today,right?
So it was a very bad day and mygirl was with me.
Obviously, it's an emotionalexperience, but when you are in
a state like that, women stillwant to see your strength at the
(17:30):
end of the day.
So as long as you can be openwith your girl and then put a
positive spin on the end of thator what you're going to do
about it, have an action plan togo with it, it's totally fine.
Like women don't look at youlike you're weak.
They don't they actuallyrespect you more.
They're basically justemotionally vomiting their
trauma on their girl and theyhave no action plan with it and
(18:03):
your girl might feel sorry foryou after a while, but after a
while it's going to wear on herand she's going to be like God.
All you ever do is talk abouthow life sucks and no one wants
to be around a negative person.
So if you don't put thatpositive spin on it, yeah, she's
going to use it against you.
It's going to.
It's going to come up later,but there's a there's positive
ways of doing it and effectiveways of doing it.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I would say yeah, I completely agree, and I think
for me, it's about teaching guyson how to.
It's one thing to be vulnerable,but when I think about that, I
think of it in the space of hey,if something's upsetting for
you, you need that, you need tobe able to share that, you need
to be able to express that in amanner with that's the right
amount of energy, the rightamount of, with the right person
(18:44):
at the right time.
All those things play a part ofit, but we haven't even learned
how to do that we are.
Usually it's either you'regoing to shut down completely
and you fade away or you'reexploding because you've been
stuffing things and you haven'tlearned how to stand your ground
and be in that space.
And I think it's such animportant skill, and all those
guys you're talking about forsure you know exemplify how to
(19:06):
do that.
So you started touching alittle bit on the red pill and
you talk about how red pillpraxology really helps reshape
how men approach relationships.
So for those of us that aren'tclear on what that actually
means, give us a bit of an ideaand how it is that you're using
it.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Yeah, so I had the wrong idea of red pill myself In
the beginning when I was firststudying this stuff.
I would hear about this guy,rolo Tomasi, right, and he would
have all these minions invarious message boards just
talking about like how you cannever trust women and here's the
nine iron rules of Tomasi andall this kind of nasty stuff and
we're like, geez, this guy musthate women.
And then the thing was is thatI actually interviewed Rolo
(19:47):
Tomasi.
Are you familiar with Rolo bychance?
Okay, great, yeah, cause everyonce in a while I go on shows
and people are like never heardof this guy.
I'm like, okay, fair enough.
But Rolo, he started a panelshow several years ago called
Rule Zero.
It's a Saturday show with abunch of guys from the red pill
space and he started the showand there was a guy on the show
(20:08):
named Paul Benjamin.
His YouTube channel is ApexMindset, so shout out to Paul.
I had Paul on my show and Iwanted to talk to him about
toxic red pill versus likehealthy red pill or whatever.
So we had the show about this.
He basically broke it down verywell about what people say in
the space as a red pilltrademark often isn't what
actual red pill is about.
(20:28):
And then after that I actuallygot to interview Rolo.
Later on another guy in thespace, ryan Stone, interviewed
those guys.
I eventually got invited ontothe Rule Zero panel and so now
I'm on the Rule Zero panel onSaturdays, but working with Rolo
, working with Ryan, workingwith Paul.
Those guys really taught me thatthe praxeology of Red Pill
really started out as guysswapping notes, just like I was
(20:52):
doing in that Facebook groupwhere me and these other guys
were studying Corey Wayne stuff,going hey, we went on a date
tonight.
This worked.
This didn't this.
This thing worked, or whatever.
And the thing was is that itreally started out like in the
early two thousands in pickupforms, like so swabcom, and.
And then it evolved out ofthere because all the pickup
(21:12):
artists were doing all thesetech tactics and tricks on women
that were very effective atgetting women into bed.
And so they're like why is thisworking?
And so these other guys came inwith evolutionary psychology to
try to answer why these certainthings worked, and basically the
red pill ended up being thestudy of essentially what women
(21:32):
respond to.
A lot of it's from pickup andfrom evolutionary psychology.
And there's a guy, rossJeffries, years ago, said it
really well.
He said that there's thingsthat women say they want, things
women think they want, and thenthere's things that women
actually respond to.
And I think that red pill islike the Chilton's manual of
women.
It's not good, it's not bad,it's not moral, like they take
(21:55):
morals off the table.
They're like this is what isand then do with it what you
will.
There's some people that take it.
They get pissed off at women.
They go MGTOW and black pilland they swear off women
together.
Then there's like this wholeother subgroup of guys, the
married red pill, that aremarried men who are in dead
bedroom situations and they'relike how do I get my wife to
want to have sex with me again?
(22:16):
Let's look at what makes womenwant to have sex.
And so that's essentially whatred pill is.
It's men's sexual strategy.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Oh, perfect, I just man, I haven't heard about
Chilton's and since my dad wasalive, he was a grease monkey.
So, yeah, what a great, what agreat metaphor.
I'm going to steal that just soyou know.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I think Ryan Stone's the first guy to say that, so
shout out to Ryan Stone for thatone.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
That's fabulous.
That's fabulous and it'sabsolutely true.
Once we get married, we havethis belief that once you're
married, if you've been marriedfor any length of time my wife
and I celebrated 20 years thisyear that it's okay that the
bedroom is dead because that wasfor the early days, but it's
not okay.
And so let's talk about A lotof marriage counseling and a lot
(23:04):
of therapy around marriages andcouples says we got to focus on
communication, but you have adifferent perspective.
That's really not what we needto work on, so let's talk a
little bit about that, yeah, Iwill say this.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Communication is important, but what it's mainly
for is for conflict resolution.
If your wife is not attractedto you, you can talk until
you're blue in the face and shewon't sleep with you.
She'll have every excuse underthe sun.
She will gaslight you intothinking that, yep, no, you just
sex dwindles after you've beenmarried 20 years.
That's normal, honey, andthat's not.
(23:36):
It's not normal.
There's and the reason why Iknow this.
I was having a conversationwith this guy the other day and
we both are guys that have beenthrough the divorce process
later in life, and so we knowwhat the dating circuit's like.
There's women, when you get outin the dating circuit, that are
recently divorced.
They haven't been having sexwith their husbands in 10 years
(23:57):
because they weren't attractedto them.
Now that they're on the datingcircuit, they are having sex
like jackrabbits again.
It's not about.
It's not about oh no, it's justfades over time.
It's like the attraction fades,if you let it.
So that's why I saycommunication's not the key to
that.
The key is genuine desire.
And how do you get that back?
As a man, as the leader in therelationship, you have a burden
(24:20):
of performance.
There's this thing calledBreifolt's Law and what
Breifolt's Law basically said.
I can't remember the guy'sfirst name, but Breifold.
He was a sociologist in the1800s and he basically came up
with this law that said it's thefemale, not the male, that
determines whether arelationship is going to take
place.
If she doesn't find any valuein being with you, no, there's
(24:43):
not going to be a relationship.
That means that, as a man, ifyou want a relationship to
succeed, the burden ofperformance is on you, which
sucks.
But I like to look at thingslike it's a challenge.
Right, embrace the suck.
I'm a former military guy, sothat means what does that mean
for guys?
That means that you can neverrelax.
You always got to keep yourhead on a swivel.
(25:03):
You've got to go to the gym.
You got to maintain a relativelevel of attractiveness.
We say in red pill be attractive, don't be unattractive.
Don't be unattractive meansyour behavior, your mindset,
your demeanor, your frame, youremotional control, all that kind
of stuff.
Don't act needy.
And so if you can basicallybuild your sexual market value
(25:25):
back up to where it was in thebeginning of the relationship,
when she was sexually attractedto you, what tends to happen is
women start seeing thistransformation happen.
They start testing you more.
We call them frame checks orfitness tests, but they start
testing you more.
And that is actually the firstpart of the beta-citation
(25:45):
process is women will test men,and all women test men, either
consciously or subconsciously.
Some do it more than others,but they all do it.
And so once you learn how to beable to handle those tests,
that immediately puts you backat the beginning of the
beta-sensation process.
And when you start passingthose tests more and you're
working on your attractiveness,now she's starting to believe
(26:07):
that you are the strong, capableman that she originally got
with and now she can startrelaxing into her feminine a
little bit.
And now she starts seeing youas her best hypergamous option
again.
And when she sees that, that'swhen the sex starts happening
again, because she's now oh man,this guy's the best guy ever.
I better have sex with him orI'm going to lose him.
I see all these other girlswhen he's going to Starbucks.
(26:28):
They're laughing at his dumbjokes, they're making eyes at
him and stuff like that.
I better keep him around.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
So it's a funny process we refer to it as dread
in Red Pill because it soundsbad, but it's really effective.
It's dread.
Yeah, many of us married guys.
Guys need to learn that that'sfor damn sure, because we get
complacent.
Yeah, we get complacent and wejust think that that's, we're
married and that's just the waylife is.
And we, when we becomecomplacent, the problem with
that is that it it seeps intolots of other aspects of our
(26:55):
lives and then the next thing,you know, we do have complete
disconnection and it is one ofthose.
And then it is in a marriagelike my first.
First one was where we bothwanted out and it was a matter
of who was going to draw firstblood and that would ultimately
end up by happening.
And we talked about in theintro there, about giving them
(27:15):
some strategies and some tips,and so not to divulge the entire
program.
But if someone was in aposition where, like we're
talking about and they'restruggling, what would be a
habit or maybe a piece of adaily ritual that you would
coach them to start looking at?
Speaker 3 (27:36):
Yeah, I'm fine with giving a lot away, like I'm all
about massive value, because Ifind that I can talk.
I can tell you the wholeprocess here on the podcast
today, and very few guys aregoing to be able to take it and
run with it on their own.
I did write a book about it, soit just came out in January
called Get Her to F you Againand go get that book and it'll
take you through the wholeprocess, and it's a nominal
investment it's 10 bucks onKindle.
But what I find is that there'sprobably about 3% of guys in
(28:00):
our population that can take abook, read it 10 to 15 times and
actually implement itthemselves.
There's lots of guys that cantake the information, they can
understand it, but they don'tknow how to actually apply it,
and that's where a good coachcomes in, and so that's what I
help guys with.
I have a guy that I'm workingwith now.
He's been reading these booksfor two years and he was just
(28:20):
spinning his wheels Just get.
The connection with his wifewas just growing farther and
further apart, and finally hejust pulled the trigger and
signed up with my program.
Cause he's like dude, I justdon't know what I'm doing.
And so then, as we're goingthrough week by week, he's
starting to see real changes.
Most of my clients will seechanges in week two, so I'll
tell you this.
So first week we will gettogether and we will do a
(28:43):
relationship autopsy andbasically look at what initially
attracted your wife to you inthe beginning.
Right, and what guys will findis that in the beginning a lot
of the times they were, theywere dressing better, they were
in shape, they were, they werehappening, they had a good
social circle, and so they hadsocial proof.
Their wife like thought theywere fun guys and then slowly,
(29:04):
over time, they really embracedthe provider role.
Most guys really go hard on theprovider thing.
They're like I'm going to workon my career, I'm going to work
on making money, I'm going toput food on the table, which is
all good stuff, it's all veryadmirable, they're good dads,
great stuff.
The problem is that's notsexually attractive to your wife
.
You playing with the kids isnot really blowing her skirt up.
(29:26):
Okay, that's what we call abeta trait.
And so you have to start reallyworking on the alpha traits.
And so the second week this isone of the reasons why guys
really start seeing results inthe second week is I start
showing them how to handle shittests or fitness tests or
whatever.
And the funny thing is when youtell a guy, hey, you don't have
to take your wife seriouslywhen she says something to you.
(29:47):
You can actually just make funof her in the moment and the
thing is that she might get madat you in that moment but 30
minutes later she's gonna likethat she couldn't get her way
with you and she's gonna comeand crawl on your lap.
And most guys like I had one ofmy clients he came up to like on
week three and he goes dude,I'm not in a dead bedroom
anymore.
I'm like that's awesome, dude.
(30:08):
The problem is that a lot ofguys when they get to that point
they quit.
They stop wanting to put in thework.
They think they've reached thefinish line again.
You got to keep doing this.
The work never stops.
So that's like the first coupleof weeks, but really what we're
trying to do through the wholeprogram is we're trying to work
on your basically the core four.
A good friend of mine in thespace, john MLD from Modern Life
(30:29):
Dating.
He really simplified it To beoptimal, a man needs to work on
his muscles, money, game andframe.
So we've and I already said,like being a provider, that's
your money, that's the beta sideof hypergamy.
So you're you have to reallywork on your muscles, your game
and your frame and those thingsare really going to optimize
(30:52):
your alpha traits.
And the alpha traits are reallywhat gives women that buzz.
Okay, and another a great bookout there called the married
man's sex life primer.
He says that you can.
A lot of people don't like thewords alpha and beta, like I get
it.
There's some stupid wolf studyout there but there are
container words that are thatyou can really do.
You can easily say, okay,traits that make your woman want
to have sex, traits that don'tRight, yeah, but alpha and beta
(31:15):
is easier.
Alpha traits really hit thosedopamine receptors in your woman
.
It really gets, spikes herdopamine levels, it gets her
excited about that kind of stuff.
And and then beta traits reallyhit her oxytocin receptors.
That gives her that comfort,love feeling.
So yeah, you play with the kidsmakes her feel comfortable, it
makes her feel oh, he's so cuteand stuff like that, but it
(31:38):
doesn't make her want to havesex.
So it's really about the numberone thing guys need to do is go
hit the gym, start working ontheir physical fitness and
you'll find that if you canbuild discipline around, that
discipline in fitness falls intoevery other area of your life.
You start making, you know moredecisions quickly, you start
becoming more assertive, youstart becoming more confident.
(31:59):
It's miraculous, when guysstart hitting the gym, what it
can do for them.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Agreed.
Yeah, I love that.
I love the idea of reallystarting and focusing on that
aspect of life, and it alsogives us the quickest visual
results.
Right, you're going to start tosee change, and I like how
you're using the alpha and betapiece, because it absolutely is
true.
There is that balancing actwhere being good fathers doesn't
(32:28):
necessarily make us attractive,and so being able to show up in
the other, in another aspect oflife, and I think that's where,
because we haven't gone all inon being the provider and that
we're working on that, that wetend to forget the other aspects
of what really, before we wereeven a provider, these other
things were playing a biggerrole in the determining of the
relationship.
So it makes complete sense tome.
Speaker 3 (32:48):
Yeah, and the thing is that women do it to us, right
?
That's what we call thebaitization process, and it's a
subconscious process that womendo to men.
And I like to use the analogyof Beauty and the Beast, right?
What is Beauty and the Beastabout?
She runs into this like woolly,untameable, like beast of a man
that she's attracted to, andshe spends the whole movie
(33:08):
trying to civilize him, makinghim wear suits and go to tea
parties and learn how to danceand how to comb his hair and
stuff.
And by the end of the movieshe's turned him into this beta
prince guy and you think thatshe's going to live happily ever
after, but she's going tohenpeck him until he wants to
unalive himself after.
But she's going to henpeck himuntil he wants to unalive
himself because he's so tired ofbeing nagged.
(33:29):
And then he's going to work 17hour days and then sleep on a
cot in his office.
So the thing is that guys haveto understand that women are
doing that, and it starts withthe testing.
It goes into the being morevulnerable.
I already talked about how tohandle the vulnerability stuff
and so as long as you canbasically stay ahead of that
process, you never get fullyinto the beta phase.
(33:49):
One of the things that they endup doing, too, is they want to
put us to work right.
And that's where and that's notnecessarily a bad thing that's
where you'll see, where they'llsay behind every successful man
there's a strong woman, likethey're pushing them.
Yeah, because she's trying toput you to work and make you a
better man.
Women actually will make usbetter men if we let them.
They do push us to do better,and it's for our own benefit and
(34:13):
, but mostly, it's for herbenefit and the benefit of the
kids.
But we benefit from it too.
So that's fine.
It's just like you just have toalways be understanding what's
going on in the situation and beable to handle her tests fine,
and you'll never fully get towhere it ends up being her
evolutionary selfishness phaseand then where she wants to
(34:33):
cheat on you or divorce you andstuff like that.
Cause that you're trying toavoid the last two parts of the
beta citation process and if youcan stay in the first three,
you're going to be fine.
You're going to have a long,lasting, loving relationship
with lots of mind-blowing sex.
It'll be great.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yeah, absolutely, and I like the analogy of Beauty
and the Beast, because it'sexactly what ends up by
happening.
Now, that is totally a Disneystory, and I'm not surprised
that it turns out that way,because that's what we're all
sold, that's what every rom-comis about.
But the fact of the matter is,you're absolutely right we don't
see the two-year, five-year,seven-year after result, and so
(35:09):
what I also hear you sayingthroughout today's conversation
is really about men starting totake responsibility, complete
responsibility for where theyare and who they are, as opposed
to giving it up to my wife ormy girlfriend or whoever, and
allowing that to be the way thatwe get led by our nose, so to
speak, and so it's importantthat we recognize where those
(35:31):
boundaries are.
We talked really briefly onbeing able to set boundaries,
and I think that's a key elementof it.
There's just skills that guysneed to look at developing, and
I think we have some of those inour business life and, for
whatever reason, we just don'tbring it into our personal life.
Speaker 3 (35:47):
Yeah, you mentioned it too.
You said the rom-coms.
We are socially programmed tobe a certain way, and a lot of
it is.
We're taught to be nice guys.
We're taught to be nice guysfrom our dads.
Tv says oh, women want niceguys.
You'll find that women actuallydon't like nice guys.
They might settle with a niceguy, probably because they spent
(36:07):
their twenties having their funwith guys named Chad and Tyrone
and stuff, but but then theysettled down in their thirties
with these nice guys and thenthey're unfulfilled and they're
not happy in the relationshipand it's, you know, it's just.
It just doesn't work that waybecause they're not sexually
attracted.
So we have to unlearn that.
We have to unlearn that niceguy paradigm, and what I will
(36:29):
say about that is you can stillbe a good man, you just can't be
a nice guy, which goes to whatDr Glover calls nice guy
syndrome, which you're overlyaccommodating.
You're a conflict avoidant.
Most guys will tiptoe aroundtheir wife, walk on eggshells
and do anything to avoid anargument, and they're trying to
(36:50):
do everything to squash any typeof tension in their
relationship at all because theywant to have their peace.
The thing is that women needdrama.
Women need it If they don'thave it, they'll create it, and
so if you can control that chaosa little bit and give her the
trauma she needs, she'll, youcan be her dopamine dealer a
(37:10):
little bit and you can actuallyhave fun with it.
And the thing is that was oneof the things I learned from Dr
Glover is women need thishealthy emotional anticipation
and tension I call it heat andthey need that tension in the
relationship for the attractionto even be there.
And if you're going aroundsquashing any little bit of
tension, you're going to end upin a dead bedroom and go.
(37:33):
Why won't my wife want to bangme anymore?
It's because you're being toonice.
Okay, set some boundaries.
Tell her no, occasionally,don't take what she says so
seriously.
When she criticizes you forsomething, just make a joke out
of it and play it off.
There's lots of different waysto handle her and she will love
you for it.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Yeah, absolutely and she will love you for it.
Yeah, absolutely Love that,Love that advice.
You were mentioning a bunch offolks Dr Glover, Rolo a few
folks that obviously have had animpact on your life, and so my
next question for you is what'sbeen the best piece of advice or
maybe a profound piece ofadvice that has really served
you even?
Speaker 3 (38:08):
to this day.
Oh, man, I would say this.
Going back to the communicationthing, one of the biggest
things I learned it was fromCorey Wayne was that when women
feel heard and understood,that's when the legs open.
And so I talk about that.
I talk about that in myEssential Skills of a Masculine
Presence book and my Get Her toF you Again book.
(38:29):
But there's this model, there'sthis model of communication
called Luca listen, understand,clarity, action.
And if men can master that andthen avoid deering, which is
defend, excuse, explain,rationalize.
So I say in my book never dear,always Luca.
If they, if a guy can masternever dear, always Luca in a
(38:51):
communication setting with hiswife, they'll always come out on
top.
They will always win.
And the thing is that a lot ofguys they argue with their wives
, they get in these like massiveknockdown, drag out arguments
because they want to be right.
You know what I mean.
Like they want to be right andit's do you want to be right or
do you want to win?
Speaker 2 (39:07):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (39:07):
Okay, Because the way you win is not by being right.
The way you win is by nottaking what she says so
seriously and then listen to hercomplaints, understand where
she's coming from, repeat itback to her and then come up
with an action plan.
And sometimes the action planis to just listen to her.
So sometimes it's just oh, okay, yeah I can understand why
(39:28):
you'd be upset by that and justlisten to her, hear her out, and
then, when she feels heard andunderstood, she just relaxes.
Oh, I'm so glad you're such agood communicator, You're so
understanding.
Oh, I just feel so good andthey just want to.
Then they want to go to thebedroom.
It's a magical thing, but thehardest part for guys is to get
out of their own ego abouteverything.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
Yeah, completely agree with that.
What a great, great piece ofadvice.
For sure you know, paul, ofeverything that we spoke about
today, and maybe there wassomething we didn't get a chance
to touch on what would be theone takeaway you'd want our
audience to have?
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Oh, the one takeaway.
Man, I would say this If you'rea guy and you're listening,
don't take your wife soseriously.
That's the biggest takeawayfrom today's conversation.
It's okay, it's okay to tellyour wife no, and don't take her
so seriously.
I would say those are the twobiggest things.
I would walk away from thisepisode.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Yeah, I love that.
Don't take her so seriously,absolutely, my friend.
I just want to say thank you somuch for spending time with us
today and showing us the powerof really we can learn how to
embrace this dominant masculinepresence.
Then we're going to have moreconfidence, we're going to be
more attractive and we're goingto transform our relationships
in and outside of the bedroom.
So if guys are interested ingetting a hold of you and
participating in your work,what's the best way for them to
(40:41):
do that?
Speaker 3 (40:42):
I would go to fixedeadbedroomscom.
That's my blog.
I write daily articles on thereon different ways to help fix
your dead bedroom.
You can also find my books.
I don't have a hard cover of mylatest one that just came out,
but this one will really helpyou with this.
It's called the EssentialSkills of a Masculine Presence
Psychology Paradigm.
I released it last summer.
This whole thing is to help yourewire your subconscious.
(41:06):
Rewire that subconsciousparadigm, because if you don't
know what a paradigm is, it'sjust a series of habits that we
do without any conscious thought, and you'll find that most of
your relationships you're justgoing through the motions.
You just do what you have beentaught your whole life, either
through society or through yourparents, and so you need to
(41:28):
rewire that.
Lots of affirmations andjournaling and scripting and
various things that you can doto help reprogram that
subconscious and startdeveloping habits of having more
of a dominant masculinepresence in your relationships.
And if you can master that, youcan master anything else.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Makes sense to me.
I want to make sure the link tothe book is available in
today's show notes, as well aswherever you're hiding on social
media lots of places so guyscan find you.
I want to say once again, buddy, thank you so much for being on
the show.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
No problem, and I'll say this too, if, once you've
read the book, if you reallywant help, one-on-one help with
that, you can book a free callwith me.
If you go to fixed deadbedroomscom, there's a link to
book a call with you so much,thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:19):
Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary
man podcast.
Are you ready to own yourdestiny, to become more the man
you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe Awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
Imagine being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling
relationships, wondering whysparks fade, why communications
feel hollow and why you're leftquestioning your confidence as a
man.
What if the problem isn't whatyou're saying but who you're
being.
True connection, attraction andleadership doesn't come from
words.
They come from embodyingstrength, purpose and
(00:20):
authenticity.
And in today's episode, we'regoing to explore how,
reprogramming our mindset,rebuilding our masculine
presence and the mastering theart of maintaining genuine
attraction in relationships.
And so together we're going tounpack a lot of practical
strategies and elevate yourconfidence so your relationships
and your life are far better.
And before we get into today'stopic, let's also talk a moment
(00:44):
about one thing that needs tochange in your life, and we all
know what that is, and that isbeing true to ourselves.
In a world that is constantlypulling us in different
directions, the pressure toprovide and perform and
persevere can leave us feelingdisconnected, like we're
drifting further from the man weintended to be.
So if you felt stuck orfrustrated or unsure of how to
(01:06):
bridge that gap between the lifethat you have and the life that
you want, let me introduce youto Living With Integrity.
This is more than just aprogram.
It's a roadmap oftransformation.
You're going to learn how toalign your actions with your
values, rebuild meaningfulconnections, create a legacy
that truly matters.
So if you're ready to takecontrol of your life with
(01:27):
purpose and become the man yourfamily, community and future
need you to be, I'm going tochallenge you to start today.
Go to memberstheawakenmannetand begin your journey by taking
our free integrity challenge,because the only thing standing
between you and the life you'recapable of is decision.
To take that first step, andwith that, let's get on with
(01:48):
today's episode.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
The average man today is sleepwalking through life,
many never reaching their truepotential, let alone ever
crossing the finish line toliving a purposeful life.
Ever crossing the finish lineto living a purposeful life.
Yet the hunger still exists,albeit buried amidst his
cluttered mind, misguidedbeliefs and values that no
longer serve him.
It's time to align yourself forgreatness.
(02:14):
It's time to become arevolutionary man.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Stay strong, my brother.
Welcome everyone to theRevolutionary man Podcast.
I'm the founder of the Awakenedman Movement and your host,
alan DeMonso.
So are you leading yourrelationships with confidence
and purpose, or are self-doubtand old patterns holding you
back from becoming the manyou're meant to be?
And how much of yourrelationship struggles stem from
(02:41):
focusing on communication, whenthe real issue lines with the
lack of attraction and yourmasculine leadership?
Attraction and leadership andconfidence are the cornerstones
of fulfilling relationships anda purpose-driven life.
By shifting our mindset andembracing our masculine presence
, we can break free fromself-doubt and step boldly into
(03:04):
our full potential.
And today, my guest is going tohelp us do just that.
So allow me to introduce him.
Paul Bauer is a certifiedMaster Life Coach and NLP
practitioner with a specialty inhelping men transform their
relationships and reignitepassion in their marriages.
Paul has a wealth of experienceguiding men to understand the
psychology of attraction and thekeys to reclaiming their
(03:27):
masculine confidence and, withproven techniques, to overcome
self-limiting beliefs, rebuildself-assurance and master the
dynamics of connection.
Paul's expertise empowers mento take control of their
romantic lives and truly getbetter with women.
Welcome to the show, paul.
How are things, my friend?
Speaker 3 (03:46):
Things are good, Alan .
Thank you so much for having meon today.
I appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Yeah, thanks for reaching out.
I really appreciate and admirethe work that you're doing, and
so I'm really looking forward toour conversation today and here
at the Revolutionary manPodcast.
We always want to talk with ourguests about their hero's quest
or their journey, and so we'regoing to start with that and ask
you about that.
Tell us about that time of thatdeath and rebirth moment, and
(04:10):
how that experience shaped youinto the man you are today and
the work that you're doing.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Yeah, I like to call that my Batman origin story.
Yeah, so it all started.
If you go back to when I was inhigh school, I grew up in rural
Colorado.
If you go back to when I was inhigh school, I grew up in rural
(04:39):
Colorado.
I was always a little bit of aladies' man, but I was the kind
of guy that was always sniperdating.
I was always like one girl at atime.
Every girl that was somewhatnice to me I would go left for
the Navy when I was 18, servedin the US military, and then,
two years into my enlistment, Iwent home on leave and I met my
now ex-wife, and the thing wasis I went home on leave, I was
living in California and she wasliving here in Colorado, and I
met her, and we basically hadthis long distance relationship
(05:01):
for about a year before Iconvinced her to move out with
me in San Diego, and so we onlyactually knew each other in
person about three months beforewe eloped Alan Can you imagine
what a bad idea that is and so Iwasn't even old enough to drink
alcohol yet.
I was 20 years old when I gotmarried, and so, luckily though,
(05:23):
we eloped and things did workout for a while and we have two
wonderful kids and we stayedmarried for 14 years.
But I got to tell you, man, thelast half of that marriage was
miserable for me.
It was.
I hated being around her.
I would stay late at work.
I'd work like 17 hour days justso I wouldn't have to go home,
alan, because I knew that if I,when I came home, I was going to
(05:45):
get an earful, and so I waslike you know what?
It's better to just stay atwork and just be a provider and
put food on the table.
Then I don't have to hear aboutit when I get home.
There was times where I didn'teven want to go to bed with her
at night.
I would go in the garage andgrab a cot and go sleep in my
office.
I just it was absolute misery,but I was the kind of guy who I
would have never quit because Imade vows.
(06:06):
This is what you do.
You're supposed to be miserable, and I always point to my
parents because they're stilltogether, but they're absolutely
miserable together.
But I thought I had thisparadigm.
That's just the way life wassupposed to be.
You get married, everything'shot and heavy in the beginning.
You pop out a couple of kidsand then everything just goes
downhill after that and you'rebasically Al Bundy.
Thank God my now ex-wife hadthe strength to file for divorce
(06:32):
.
This was back in 2014.
She filed for divorce.
I was 50 pounds overweight,which I think very much led to
the end of that relationship,because I just wasn't being the
attractive guy.
I thought I'd reached some kindof mythical finish line.
And so I find myself back onthe dating circuit after 15
years of being out of practice,just floundering around
(06:53):
overweight, not being good withwomen, just waiting for a
written invitation to go in fora kiss or anything because of
the whole Me Too movement stuff,and I just sucked with women
and then by 11 months went byand luckily some I lovingly say
this a chubby chaser took pityon me and I ended up in another
(07:14):
relationship because it was thesame pattern.
It's like I went all in on thefirst girl.
That's nice to me.
I get in this relationship, Iimmediately go into husband mode
, where I think I reached amythical finish line, and I
immediately started the badpatterns that I was doing near
the end of my marriage andluckily this relationship only
(07:34):
lasted four and a half years.
But two years into thisrelationship, that girl mentally
checked out and she startedlining up her male orbiters and
guys she was working with andall of a sudden, after four
years, she starts hey, I'm busy,I don't want to, I don't want
to see you, I don't want you tocome down to my house anymore.
And I'm like what's going on?
And the last time I went downthere, all my stuff that I would
(07:55):
keep at her house she hadhidden away.
I had a dog bed for my dog.
She hid that in her closetsomewhere.
My toothbrush was in one of herdrawers and I was like what's
going on?
Like why are you putting mystuff away?
Oh, I was just tidying up orwhatever.
She was cheating on me at theend and she had started pushing
me away so much that I finallyjust was like I can't be in a
relationship like this.
(08:16):
So I ended up breaking up withher and then found out about the
cheating stuff later.
But now I'm back on the datingcircuit again.
The good thing is that womanreally got me into fitness and I
started running.
I lost all the weight.
So this time was 2019.
I'm back on the dating circuit.
I'm way lighter, I'm lookingbetter, I'm able to get dates
(08:37):
and I'm hooking up with girls,but I can't keep them around
longer than two dates.
And I'm like what am I doingwrong here?
Man, like the two biggestrelationships I had in my life
failed.
I can't keep women aroundlonger than two dates.
I'm clearly the problem here.
I'm the common denominator, andso another blessing with that
four and a half yearrelationship was that she was
(08:58):
really big into audio books, andso I was like you know what?
I bet you there's audio books Icould start listening to where
I can figure this out?
And, man, I went on a deep diveand I started reading books
like no More Mr Nice Guy by DrRobert Glover, how to Be a 3%
man by Corey Wayne, atomicAttraction, christopher Campbell
, the Rational Male, like youname it.
I read it.
Some of them I've read 25 times, 15 times or whatever, because
(09:21):
one of the things I learned fromCorey Wayne's book is that if
you really want to master theinformation, you have to listen
to it at least 10 to 15 times,because we only retain about 10%
of the information that welisten to.
And in that process, I foundmyself in a men's group, a free
men's group on Facebook calledthe 3% man Group.
We were all studying CoreyWayne's material.
That group went away Somehow.
(09:42):
The owner of the group gotbanned or something, and so that
group, like mass, went away.
There was thousands of peoplein that group.
But out of that group I startedmy podcast, the Come On man
podcast, and I originally wasjust interviewing other guys in
the group.
Just hey, man, how'd you findyourself in this space?
And it's funny like everyone'sstory is the same.
We all end up in the spacebecause of a bad breakup.
(10:02):
And then it's a small group ofguys, though that really look at
themselves Like what am I doingwrong?
Most people like to point thefinger at other people and they
never learned their lesson.
But no matter what relationshipyou're in, you're the common
denominator, you, a lot ofpeople.
They'll find out that they endup dating the same person after
(10:23):
one after the other it's justwith a different face, because
they never learned their lesson.
All of us in that group wereall.
We were all trying to level up.
And then now that group, Istarted interviewing other
authors and people in the spaceand from there the podcast got
bigger.
I've written three books now,and I started coaching men a
couple of years ago, so thatit's been a hell of a journey,
man.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Yeah, absolutely.
What a great, what a great wayto kick off today's episode is.
Took a page where the noteshere a couple of things that
really popped out to me is whenyou talked about really about
being that guy that I'm nevergoing to quit, and then right
away you tied that in withthat's how I, that's what I saw
from my parents do, and they hada miserable marriage, and so
I'm out as I need to do the samething, and how often in life,
(11:05):
as as men do, we do that.
We model that really criticalrelationship that we see and
generally speak it's going to beour parents and so we make the
same mistakes.
And then a little later youtalked about always attracting
and being with the same type ofperson, and again, I think
that's a testament to modelingright and what we see.
We get comfortable in a certainstyle and then yet it irritates
(11:29):
us after the fact because wehaven't gone deep enough.
And, to your point, many of us,many men, just would prefer to
look at the external and lookfor that validation.
And, depending on how quicklyit came and sounds like for you
as soon as you got the nod, thenthat was enough for you to jump
in.
You got the, the net, the nodthen that was enough for you to
jump in and many of us man I can.
That just resonates.
I was so shit scared in myfirst marriage.
(11:50):
I married my high schoolsweetheart because I never
thought that I would ever bethis lucky and and while we have
two children as well.
It was a really a painfulrelationship from high school on
but didn't have the confidence,and so I want to move into
really talking about.
Is when the intro I really talka lot about your work and
masculine presence and so whatdo you truly mean by that and
(12:14):
how can we maintain that?
And being more attractive.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Yeah, it's one of the things that I ended up learning
one from, no, mr Nice Guy, butalso mainly from Corey Wayne was
that you'll find that whenwe're in relationships a lot of
us we're in a relationshipbecause we want to save a woman
right, there's some derogatoryterms for that term in there but
we have the savior complexwhere we get with women that
(12:40):
have lots of problems and we'relike, oh, I can fix her or I'm
going to be there for her, I'mgoing to be her knight in
shining armor, and what tends tohappen is we end up getting a
lot of toxic relationships thatwe probably should have never
been in to begin with when we dothat sort of thing.
And then, when we're doing that, a lot of it ends up being what
Dr Glover calls a covertcontract, where you're doing
(13:00):
this stuff to be her savior,expecting something in return,
like her validation and herappreciation of all this nice
stuff you're doing, and yourarely get it.
And when you don't get it, thatbuilds resentment which causes
relationships to start eroding.
When you just have all thisresentment with the person
you're with, that just doesn'twork out.
(13:20):
But another big thing that Ilearned both from Dr Glover and
from Corey Wayne was that menreally do better in
relationships when they set thetone and take the lead.
You talked about confidence.
Confidence is paramount, but alot of guys aren't confident
enough to make decisions intheir relationship.
That's another thing.
You got to be decisive, you gotto be assertive, you got to be
(13:43):
able to set boundaries.
You've got to have an elementof emotional control.
That is probably the hardestthing for men to have and
believe it or not, because weall think that we're these
rational beings and women arethese emotional creatures.
It's so.
Many guys are controlled bytheir emotions.
Your wife starts nitpicking atyou.
What's your first reaction?
To blast back at her or tostart explaining yourself or
(14:04):
trying to rationalize why you doanything you're doing.
All that kind of stuff puts youat a weaker position than her
and you're not actually leadingthe relationship.
But when you can have a littlebit of emotional control and not
take what she says so seriously, have a little bit of emotional
control and not take what shesays so seriously, not take it
so personally, she actuallytrusts you more.
Yes, because she's able torelax into her feminine.
She realizes, oh man, myemotional storms aren't knocking
(14:28):
this guy off center.
There's something about thisguy.
He's strong, right, that'sstrength, that's emotional
strength and women gravitatetowards that, and so once a guy
can learn that man, it's just areally powerful element in a
healthy relationship that a lotof guys just have never been
taught how to do.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Oh, I completely agree with that, and I think,
because we lack this emotionalcontrol and I think you know,
for me that's probably thebiggest stumbling block or
hurdle that we have to overcome.
And I tie emotional controlinto these five levels of
intimacy, and what I mean bythat is how comfortable we are
in sharing where we're at withsomething.
(15:06):
And most guys would rather be,would rather protect themselves
and not really get too deep init, because, let's face it,
who's going to receive the mostamount of rejection in their
life?
It's going to be women or is itgoing to be men?
And I would argue that menreceive the most amount of
rejection because we're alwaysputting ourselves out there.
And so when we get comfortableenough that we can withstand her
(15:30):
strong emotion, then we canstart to share where we're at
with things.
What do you think about whatI'm saying there?
Does that resonate with you?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
That does resonate, but it's interesting.
It's not a very popular opinion.
I come from the Red Pill space.
Red Pill gets a lot of bad rap.
We got bad actors in the space,like Andrew Tate and stuff, but
there's some good guys in thespace and really a lot of people
think that Red Pill is abouthating women.
It's not.
It's really about men's sexualstrategy and a positive male
identity.
That's really what it's allabout, and one of the things
(16:04):
that we say in the space is thatwomen don't care about men's
problems.
They wait at the finish lineand they date the winners.
That's the polite way of sayingit.
So one thing that we will sayin the space is not to be.
What you're talking about isbeing vulnerable, right being
vulnerable with your girl, andone of the things that we'll
tell guys in the space is thatbeing vulnerable can be a trap.
(16:26):
It can be a trap because whatyou'll find is that there's a
really great book out therecalled Practical Female
Psychology, and they talk aboutwhat's called the baitization
process, which I talk about inmy latest book Get Her to F you
again.
But the baitization process isa five-step process, and the
second part of the process iswhere women really want you to
(16:48):
open up and be more vulnerablewith them, and the thing is that
women have this nasty tendencyof taking your vulnerabilities
and using it against you 100%.
So what we will say to guys inthe space is look, man, you're
not a robot, you're not thestoic master avatar of a statue.
Okay, you have emotions.
You're going to have a bad day,right.
(17:09):
I think a positive way of doingthat, because you're going to
find yourself opening up to yourgirl.
You're going to have a bad dayToday, just full disclosure.
I had to put my dog down today,right?
So it was a very bad day and mygirl was with me.
Obviously, it's an emotionalexperience, but when you are in
a state like that, women stillwant to see your strength at the
(17:30):
end of the day.
So as long as you can be openwith your girl and then put a
positive spin on the end of thator what you're going to do
about it, have an action plan togo with it, it's totally fine.
Like women don't look at youlike you're weak.
They don't they actuallyrespect you more.
They're basically justemotionally vomiting their
trauma on their girl and theyhave no action plan with it and
(18:03):
your girl might feel sorry foryou after a while, but after a
while it's going to wear on herand she's going to be like God.
All you ever do is talk abouthow life sucks and no one wants
to be around a negative person.
So if you don't put thatpositive spin on it, yeah, she's
going to use it against you.
It's going to.
It's going to come up later,but there's a there's positive
ways of doing it and effectiveways of doing it.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I would say yeah, I completely agree, and I think
for me, it's about teaching guyson how to.
It's one thing to be vulnerable,but when I think about that, I
think of it in the space of hey,if something's upsetting for
you, you need that, you need tobe able to share that, you need
to be able to express that in amanner with that's the right
amount of energy, the rightamount of, with the right person
(18:44):
at the right time.
All those things play a part ofit, but we haven't even learned
how to do that we are.
Usually it's either you'regoing to shut down completely
and you fade away or you'reexploding because you've been
stuffing things and you haven'tlearned how to stand your ground
and be in that space.
And I think it's such animportant skill, and all those
guys you're talking about forsure you know exemplify how to
(19:06):
do that.
So you started touching alittle bit on the red pill and
you talk about how red pillpraxology really helps reshape
how men approach relationships.
So for those of us that aren'tclear on what that actually
means, give us a bit of an ideaand how it is that you're using
it.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Yeah, so I had the wrong idea of red pill myself In
the beginning when I was firststudying this stuff.
I would hear about this guy,rolo Tomasi, right, and he would
have all these minions invarious message boards just
talking about like how you cannever trust women and here's the
nine iron rules of Tomasi andall this kind of nasty stuff and
we're like, geez, this guy musthate women.
And then the thing was is thatI actually interviewed Rolo
(19:47):
Tomasi.
Are you familiar with Rolo bychance?
Okay, great, yeah, cause everyonce in a while I go on shows
and people are like never heardof this guy.
I'm like, okay, fair enough.
But Rolo, he started a panelshow several years ago called
Rule Zero.
It's a Saturday show with abunch of guys from the red pill
space and he started the showand there was a guy on the show
(20:08):
named Paul Benjamin.
His YouTube channel is ApexMindset, so shout out to Paul.
I had Paul on my show and Iwanted to talk to him about
toxic red pill versus likehealthy red pill or whatever.
So we had the show about this.
He basically broke it down verywell about what people say in
the space as a red pilltrademark often isn't what
actual red pill is about.
(20:28):
And then after that I actuallygot to interview Rolo.
Later on another guy in thespace, ryan Stone, interviewed
those guys.
I eventually got invited ontothe Rule Zero panel and so now
I'm on the Rule Zero panel onSaturdays, but working with Rolo
, working with Ryan, workingwith Paul.
Those guys really taught me thatthe praxeology of Red Pill
really started out as guysswapping notes, just like I was
(20:52):
doing in that Facebook groupwhere me and these other guys
were studying Corey Wayne stuff,going hey, we went on a date
tonight.
This worked.
This didn't this.
This thing worked, or whatever.
And the thing was is that itreally started out like in the
early two thousands in pickupforms, like so swabcom, and.
And then it evolved out ofthere because all the pickup
(21:12):
artists were doing all thesetech tactics and tricks on women
that were very effective atgetting women into bed.
And so they're like why is thisworking?
And so these other guys came inwith evolutionary psychology to
try to answer why these certainthings worked, and basically the
red pill ended up being thestudy of essentially what women
(21:32):
respond to.
A lot of it's from pickup andfrom evolutionary psychology.
And there's a guy, rossJeffries, years ago, said it
really well.
He said that there's thingsthat women say they want, things
women think they want, and thenthere's things that women
actually respond to.
And I think that red pill islike the Chilton's manual of
women.
It's not good, it's not bad,it's not moral, like they take
(21:55):
morals off the table.
They're like this is what isand then do with it what you
will.
There's some people that take it.
They get pissed off at women.
They go MGTOW and black pilland they swear off women
together.
Then there's like this wholeother subgroup of guys, the
married red pill, that aremarried men who are in dead
bedroom situations and they'relike how do I get my wife to
want to have sex with me again?
(22:16):
Let's look at what makes womenwant to have sex.
And so that's essentially whatred pill is.
It's men's sexual strategy.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Oh, perfect, I just man, I haven't heard about
Chilton's and since my dad wasalive, he was a grease monkey.
So, yeah, what a great, what agreat metaphor.
I'm going to steal that just soyou know.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I think Ryan Stone's the first guy to say that, so
shout out to Ryan Stone for thatone.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
That's fabulous.
That's fabulous and it'sabsolutely true.
Once we get married, we havethis belief that once you're
married, if you've been marriedfor any length of time my wife
and I celebrated 20 years thisyear that it's okay that the
bedroom is dead because that wasfor the early days, but it's
not okay.
And so let's talk about A lotof marriage counseling and a lot
(23:04):
of therapy around marriages andcouples says we got to focus on
communication, but you have adifferent perspective.
That's really not what we needto work on, so let's talk a
little bit about that, yeah, Iwill say this.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
Communication is important, but what it's mainly
for is for conflict resolution.
If your wife is not attractedto you, you can talk until
you're blue in the face and shewon't sleep with you.
She'll have every excuse underthe sun.
She will gaslight you intothinking that, yep, no, you just
sex dwindles after you've beenmarried 20 years.
That's normal, honey, andthat's not.
(23:36):
It's not normal.
There's and the reason why Iknow this.
I was having a conversationwith this guy the other day and
we both are guys that have beenthrough the divorce process
later in life, and so we knowwhat the dating circuit's like.
There's women, when you get outin the dating circuit, that are
recently divorced.
They haven't been having sexwith their husbands in 10 years
(23:57):
because they weren't attractedto them.
Now that they're on the datingcircuit, they are having sex
like jackrabbits again.
It's not about.
It's not about oh no, it's justfades over time.
It's like the attraction fades,if you let it.
So that's why I saycommunication's not the key to
that.
The key is genuine desire.
And how do you get that back?
As a man, as the leader in therelationship, you have a burden
(24:20):
of performance.
There's this thing calledBreifolt's Law and what
Breifolt's Law basically said.
I can't remember the guy'sfirst name, but Breifold.
He was a sociologist in the1800s and he basically came up
with this law that said it's thefemale, not the male, that
determines whether arelationship is going to take
place.
If she doesn't find any valuein being with you, no, there's
(24:43):
not going to be a relationship.
That means that, as a man, ifyou want a relationship to
succeed, the burden ofperformance is on you, which
sucks.
But I like to look at thingslike it's a challenge.
Right, embrace the suck.
I'm a former military guy, sothat means what does that mean
for guys?
That means that you can neverrelax.
You always got to keep yourhead on a swivel.
(25:03):
You've got to go to the gym.
You got to maintain a relativelevel of attractiveness.
We say in red pill be attractive, don't be unattractive.
Don't be unattractive meansyour behavior, your mindset,
your demeanor, your frame, youremotional control, all that kind
of stuff.
Don't act needy.
And so if you can basicallybuild your sexual market value
(25:25):
back up to where it was in thebeginning of the relationship,
when she was sexually attractedto you, what tends to happen is
women start seeing thistransformation happen.
They start testing you more.
We call them frame checks orfitness tests, but they start
testing you more.
And that is actually the firstpart of the beta-citation
(25:45):
process is women will test men,and all women test men, either
consciously or subconsciously.
Some do it more than others,but they all do it.
And so once you learn how to beable to handle those tests,
that immediately puts you backat the beginning of the
beta-sensation process.
And when you start passingthose tests more and you're
working on your attractiveness,now she's starting to believe
(26:07):
that you are the strong, capableman that she originally got
with and now she can startrelaxing into her feminine a
little bit.
And now she starts seeing youas her best hypergamous option
again.
And when she sees that, that'swhen the sex starts happening
again, because she's now oh man,this guy's the best guy ever.
I better have sex with him orI'm going to lose him.
I see all these other girlswhen he's going to Starbucks.
(26:28):
They're laughing at his dumbjokes, they're making eyes at
him and stuff like that.
I better keep him around.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
So it's a funny process we refer to it as dread
in Red Pill because it soundsbad, but it's really effective.
It's dread.
Yeah, many of us married guys.
Guys need to learn that that'sfor damn sure, because we get
complacent.
Yeah, we get complacent and wejust think that that's, we're
married and that's just the waylife is.
And we, when we becomecomplacent, the problem with
that is that it it seeps intolots of other aspects of our
(26:55):
lives and then the next thing,you know, we do have complete
disconnection and it is one ofthose.
And then it is in a marriagelike my first.
First one was where we bothwanted out and it was a matter
of who was going to draw firstblood and that would ultimately
end up by happening.
And we talked about in theintro there, about giving them
(27:15):
some strategies and some tips,and so not to divulge the entire
program.
But if someone was in aposition where, like we're
talking about and they'restruggling, what would be a
habit or maybe a piece of adaily ritual that you would
coach them to start looking at?
Speaker 3 (27:36):
Yeah, I'm fine with giving a lot away, like I'm all
about massive value, because Ifind that I can talk.
I can tell you the wholeprocess here on the podcast
today, and very few guys aregoing to be able to take it and
run with it on their own.
I did write a book about it, soit just came out in January
called Get Her to F you Againand go get that book and it'll
take you through the wholeprocess, and it's a nominal
investment it's 10 bucks onKindle.
But what I find is that there'sprobably about 3% of guys in
(28:00):
our population that can take abook, read it 10 to 15 times and
actually implement itthemselves.
There's lots of guys that cantake the information, they can
understand it, but they don'tknow how to actually apply it,
and that's where a good coachcomes in, and so that's what I
help guys with.
I have a guy that I'm workingwith now.
He's been reading these booksfor two years and he was just
(28:20):
spinning his wheels Just get.
The connection with his wifewas just growing farther and
further apart, and finally hejust pulled the trigger and
signed up with my program.
Cause he's like dude, I justdon't know what I'm doing.
And so then, as we're goingthrough week by week, he's
starting to see real changes.
Most of my clients will seechanges in week two, so I'll
tell you this.
So first week we will gettogether and we will do a
(28:43):
relationship autopsy andbasically look at what initially
attracted your wife to you inthe beginning.
Right, and what guys will findis that in the beginning a lot
of the times they were, theywere dressing better, they were
in shape, they were, they werehappening, they had a good
social circle, and so they hadsocial proof.
Their wife like thought theywere fun guys and then slowly,
(29:04):
over time, they really embracedthe provider role.
Most guys really go hard on theprovider thing.
They're like I'm going to workon my career, I'm going to work
on making money, I'm going toput food on the table, which is
all good stuff, it's all veryadmirable, they're good dads,
great stuff.
The problem is that's notsexually attractive to your wife
.
You playing with the kids isnot really blowing her skirt up.
(29:26):
Okay, that's what we call abeta trait.
And so you have to start reallyworking on the alpha traits.
And so the second week this isone of the reasons why guys
really start seeing results inthe second week is I start
showing them how to handle shittests or fitness tests or
whatever.
And the funny thing is when youtell a guy, hey, you don't have
to take your wife seriouslywhen she says something to you.
(29:47):
You can actually just make funof her in the moment and the
thing is that she might get madat you in that moment but 30
minutes later she's gonna likethat she couldn't get her way
with you and she's gonna comeand crawl on your lap.
And most guys like I had one ofmy clients he came up to like on
week three and he goes dude,I'm not in a dead bedroom
anymore.
I'm like that's awesome, dude.
(30:08):
The problem is that a lot ofguys when they get to that point
they quit.
They stop wanting to put in thework.
They think they've reached thefinish line again.
You got to keep doing this.
The work never stops.
So that's like the first coupleof weeks, but really what we're
trying to do through the wholeprogram is we're trying to work
on your basically the core four.
A good friend of mine in thespace, john MLD from Modern Life
(30:29):
Dating.
He really simplified it To beoptimal, a man needs to work on
his muscles, money, game andframe.
So we've and I already said,like being a provider, that's
your money, that's the beta sideof hypergamy.
So you're you have to reallywork on your muscles, your game
and your frame and those thingsare really going to optimize
(30:52):
your alpha traits.
And the alpha traits are reallywhat gives women that buzz.
Okay, and another a great bookout there called the married
man's sex life primer.
He says that you can.
A lot of people don't like thewords alpha and beta, like I get
it.
There's some stupid wolf studyout there but there are
container words that are thatyou can really do.
You can easily say, okay,traits that make your woman want
to have sex, traits that don'tRight, yeah, but alpha and beta
(31:15):
is easier.
Alpha traits really hit thosedopamine receptors in your woman
.
It really gets, spikes herdopamine levels, it gets her
excited about that kind of stuff.
And and then beta traits reallyhit her oxytocin receptors.
That gives her that comfort,love feeling.
So yeah, you play with the kidsmakes her feel comfortable, it
makes her feel oh, he's so cuteand stuff like that, but it
(31:38):
doesn't make her want to havesex.
So it's really about the numberone thing guys need to do is go
hit the gym, start working ontheir physical fitness and
you'll find that if you canbuild discipline around, that
discipline in fitness falls intoevery other area of your life.
You start making, you know moredecisions quickly, you start
becoming more assertive, youstart becoming more confident.
(31:59):
It's miraculous, when guysstart hitting the gym, what it
can do for them.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
Agreed.
Yeah, I love that.
I love the idea of reallystarting and focusing on that
aspect of life, and it alsogives us the quickest visual
results.
Right, you're going to start tosee change, and I like how
you're using the alpha and betapiece, because it absolutely is
true.
There is that balancing actwhere being good fathers doesn't
(32:28):
necessarily make us attractive,and so being able to show up in
the other, in another aspect oflife, and I think that's where,
because we haven't gone all inon being the provider and that
we're working on that, that wetend to forget the other aspects
of what really, before we wereeven a provider, these other
things were playing a biggerrole in the determining of the
relationship.
So it makes complete sense tome.
Speaker 3 (32:48):
Yeah, and the thing is that women do it to us, right
?
That's what we call thebaitization process, and it's a
subconscious process that womendo to men.
And I like to use the analogyof Beauty and the Beast, right?
What is Beauty and the Beastabout?
She runs into this like woolly,untameable, like beast of a man
that she's attracted to, andshe spends the whole movie
(33:08):
trying to civilize him, makinghim wear suits and go to tea
parties and learn how to danceand how to comb his hair and
stuff.
And by the end of the movieshe's turned him into this beta
prince guy and you think thatshe's going to live happily ever
after, but she's going tohenpeck him until he wants to
unalive himself after.
But she's going to henpeck himuntil he wants to unalive
himself because he's so tired ofbeing nagged.
(33:29):
And then he's going to work 17hour days and then sleep on a
cot in his office.
So the thing is that guys haveto understand that women are
doing that, and it starts withthe testing.
It goes into the being morevulnerable.
I already talked about how tohandle the vulnerability stuff
and so as long as you canbasically stay ahead of that
process, you never get fullyinto the beta phase.
(33:49):
One of the things that they endup doing, too, is they want to
put us to work right.
And that's where and that's notnecessarily a bad thing that's
where you'll see, where they'llsay behind every successful man
there's a strong woman, likethey're pushing them.
Yeah, because she's trying toput you to work and make you a
better man.
Women actually will make usbetter men if we let them.
They do push us to do better,and it's for our own benefit and
(34:13):
, but mostly, it's for herbenefit and the benefit of the
kids.
But we benefit from it too.
So that's fine.
It's just like you just have toalways be understanding what's
going on in the situation and beable to handle her tests fine,
and you'll never fully get towhere it ends up being her
evolutionary selfishness phaseand then where she wants to
(34:33):
cheat on you or divorce you andstuff like that.
Cause that you're trying toavoid the last two parts of the
beta citation process and if youcan stay in the first three,
you're going to be fine.
You're going to have a long,lasting, loving relationship
with lots of mind-blowing sex.
It'll be great.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Yeah, absolutely, and I like the analogy of Beauty
and the Beast, because it'sexactly what ends up by
happening.
Now, that is totally a Disneystory, and I'm not surprised
that it turns out that way,because that's what we're all
sold, that's what every rom-comis about.
But the fact of the matter is,you're absolutely right we don't
see the two-year, five-year,seven-year after result, and so
(35:09):
what I also hear you sayingthroughout today's conversation
is really about men starting totake responsibility, complete
responsibility for where theyare and who they are, as opposed
to giving it up to my wife ormy girlfriend or whoever, and
allowing that to be the way thatwe get led by our nose, so to
speak, and so it's importantthat we recognize where those
(35:31):
boundaries are.
We talked really briefly onbeing able to set boundaries,
and I think that's a key elementof it.
There's just skills that guysneed to look at developing, and
I think we have some of those inour business life and, for
whatever reason, we just don'tbring it into our personal life.
Speaker 3 (35:47):
Yeah, you mentioned it too.
You said the rom-coms.
We are socially programmed tobe a certain way, and a lot of
it is.
We're taught to be nice guys.
We're taught to be nice guysfrom our dads.
Tv says oh, women want niceguys.
You'll find that women actuallydon't like nice guys.
They might settle with a niceguy, probably because they spent
(36:07):
their twenties having their funwith guys named Chad and Tyrone
and stuff, but but then theysettled down in their thirties
with these nice guys and thenthey're unfulfilled and they're
not happy in the relationshipand it's, you know, it's just.
It just doesn't work that waybecause they're not sexually
attracted.
So we have to unlearn that.
We have to unlearn that niceguy paradigm, and what I will
(36:29):
say about that is you can stillbe a good man, you just can't be
a nice guy, which goes to whatDr Glover calls nice guy
syndrome, which you're overlyaccommodating.
You're a conflict avoidant.
Most guys will tiptoe aroundtheir wife, walk on eggshells
and do anything to avoid anargument, and they're trying to
(36:50):
do everything to squash any typeof tension in their
relationship at all because theywant to have their peace.
The thing is that women needdrama.
Women need it If they don'thave it, they'll create it, and
so if you can control that chaosa little bit and give her the
trauma she needs, she'll, youcan be her dopamine dealer a
(37:10):
little bit and you can actuallyhave fun with it.
And the thing is that was oneof the things I learned from Dr
Glover is women need thishealthy emotional anticipation
and tension I call it heat andthey need that tension in the
relationship for the attractionto even be there.
And if you're going aroundsquashing any little bit of
tension, you're going to end upin a dead bedroom and go.
(37:33):
Why won't my wife want to bangme anymore?
It's because you're being toonice.
Okay, set some boundaries.
Tell her no, occasionally,don't take what she says so
seriously.
When she criticizes you forsomething, just make a joke out
of it and play it off.
There's lots of different waysto handle her and she will love
you for it.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
Yeah, absolutely and she will love you for it.
Yeah, absolutely Love that,Love that advice.
You were mentioning a bunch offolks Dr Glover, Rolo a few
folks that obviously have had animpact on your life, and so my
next question for you is what'sbeen the best piece of advice or
maybe a profound piece ofadvice that has really served
you even?
Speaker 3 (38:08):
to this day.
Oh, man, I would say this.
Going back to the communicationthing, one of the biggest
things I learned it was fromCorey Wayne was that when women
feel heard and understood,that's when the legs open.
And so I talk about that.
I talk about that in myEssential Skills of a Masculine
Presence book and my Get Her toF you Again book.
(38:29):
But there's this model, there'sthis model of communication
called Luca listen, understand,clarity, action.
And if men can master that andthen avoid deering, which is
defend, excuse, explain,rationalize.
So I say in my book never dear,always Luca.
If they, if a guy can masternever dear, always Luca in a
(38:51):
communication setting with hiswife, they'll always come out on
top.
They will always win.
And the thing is that a lot ofguys they argue with their wives
, they get in these like massiveknockdown, drag out arguments
because they want to be right.
You know what I mean.
Like they want to be right andit's do you want to be right or
do you want to win?
Speaker 2 (39:07):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (39:07):
Okay, Because the way you win is not by being right.
The way you win is by nottaking what she says so
seriously and then listen to hercomplaints, understand where
she's coming from, repeat itback to her and then come up
with an action plan.
And sometimes the action planis to just listen to her.
So sometimes it's just oh, okay, yeah I can understand why
(39:28):
you'd be upset by that and justlisten to her, hear her out, and
then, when she feels heard andunderstood, she just relaxes.
Oh, I'm so glad you're such agood communicator, You're so
understanding.
Oh, I just feel so good andthey just want to.
Then they want to go to thebedroom.
It's a magical thing, but thehardest part for guys is to get
out of their own ego abouteverything.
Speaker 1 (39:47):
Yeah, completely agree with that.
What a great, great piece ofadvice.
For sure you know, paul, ofeverything that we spoke about
today, and maybe there wassomething we didn't get a chance
to touch on what would be theone takeaway you'd want our
audience to have?
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Oh, the one takeaway.
Man, I would say this If you'rea guy and you're listening,
don't take your wife soseriously.
That's the biggest takeawayfrom today's conversation.
It's okay, it's okay to tellyour wife no, and don't take her
so seriously.
I would say those are the twobiggest things.
I would walk away from thisepisode.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
Yeah, I love that.
Don't take her so seriously,absolutely, my friend.
I just want to say thank you somuch for spending time with us
today and showing us the powerof really we can learn how to
embrace this dominant masculinepresence.
Then we're going to have moreconfidence, we're going to be
more attractive and we're goingto transform our relationships
in and outside of the bedroom.
So if guys are interested ingetting a hold of you and
participating in your work,what's the best way for them to
(40:41):
do that?
Speaker 3 (40:42):
I would go to fixedeadbedroomscom.
That's my blog.
I write daily articles on thereon different ways to help fix
your dead bedroom.
You can also find my books.
I don't have a hard cover of mylatest one that just came out,
but this one will really helpyou with this.
It's called the EssentialSkills of a Masculine Presence
Psychology Paradigm.
I released it last summer.
This whole thing is to help yourewire your subconscious.
(41:06):
Rewire that subconsciousparadigm, because if you don't
know what a paradigm is, it'sjust a series of habits that we
do without any conscious thought, and you'll find that most of
your relationships you're justgoing through the motions.
You just do what you have beentaught your whole life, either
through society or through yourparents, and so you need to
(41:28):
rewire that.
Lots of affirmations andjournaling and scripting and
various things that you can doto help reprogram that
subconscious and startdeveloping habits of having more
of a dominant masculinepresence in your relationships.
And if you can master that, youcan master anything else.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Makes sense to me.
I want to make sure the link tothe book is available in
today's show notes, as well aswherever you're hiding on social
media lots of places so guyscan find you.
I want to say once again, buddy, thank you so much for being on
the show.
Speaker 3 (41:56):
No problem, and I'll say this too, if, once you've
read the book, if you reallywant help, one-on-one help with
that, you can book a free callwith me.
If you go to fixed deadbedroomscom, there's a link to
book a call with you so much,thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:19):
Thank you for listening to the Revolutionary
man podcast.
Are you ready to own yourdestiny, to become more the man
you are destined to be?
Join the brotherhood that isthe Awakened man at
theawakendmannet and startforging a new destiny today.
Popular Podcasts
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Introducing… Aubrey O’Day Diddy’s former protege, television personality, platinum selling music artist, Danity Kane alum Aubrey O’Day joins veteran journalists Amy Robach and TJ Holmes to provide a unique perspective on the trial that has captivated the attention of the nation. Join them throughout the trial as they discuss, debate, and dissect every detail, every aspect of the proceedings. Aubrey will offer her opinions and expertise, as only she is qualified to do given her first-hand knowledge. From her days on Making the Band, as she emerged as the breakout star, the truth of the situation would be the opposite of the glitz and glamour. Listen throughout every minute of the trial, for this exclusive coverage. Amy Robach and TJ Holmes present Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial, an iHeartRadio podcast.
Betrayal: Season 4
Karoline Borega married a man of honor – a respected Colorado Springs Police officer. She knew there would be sacrifices to accommodate her husband’s career. But she had no idea that he was using his badge to fool everyone. This season, we expose a man who swore two sacred oaths—one to his badge, one to his bride—and broke them both. We follow Karoline as she questions everything she thought she knew about her partner of over 20 years. And make sure to check out Seasons 1-3 of Betrayal, along with Betrayal Weekly Season 1.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.