Because I Said So! Part Two

Part Two of Because I Said So continues to delve into parenting both our children and when children become the parents!  Andre shares the “empty nest moments”of parenthood with teens moving to independence and Anitra points out the challenges of becoming a parent to your parents. The Savage Siblings discuss the experiences of taking care of elderly parents and shifts of support. 

If you are experiencing taking care of your older parents or at the season of life when teen children move out, you will enjoy this episode. We’ll examine the life cycle of raising and rearing children with love and life lessons.  Let this episode encourage you to share your experiences and encourage you to reflect on effective ways to make the needed transitions for your children and yourself.  

Memorable quotes:

• “Because I said so,  it comes from a place of love.” ~ Andre
• “There are three phases of parenting: Parenting, Coaching, and Advising.” ~ Anitra
• “Advisors never chase the mentees.” ~ Anitra
• “Parents in coaching are guardians.” ~ Anitra
• “Parenting styles and how you receive it impact transitions for children and parents.” ~  Anitra
• “Disciplining the mood of your child causes the child to miss the message.” ~ Andre
• “Honor doesn’t mean you control or dictate.” ~ Anitra
• “End of life cycle, honoring parents is forward thinking.” ~ Andre

Keywords: 

#MentalHealth, #therapy,  #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling,  #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast 

#BecauseIsaidso, #Comesfullcircle, #RewardswithReprimand, #Parentingstyles,  #Transitions, #Emptynester,  #Forwardthinking, #SavageSiblingCommunity

Call to Action: 

• Post comments! Leave us a review!
• Share your stories of your parents needing you to parent them!  
• Any topics you want us to discuss?

Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography

CHAPTERS
00:00:00 - Introduction
00:02:09  Savage Segment: The Thanos Mentality
00:23:00  Savage Segment: Who gets to parent the parents?
00:30:29  Savage Segment: It's About Contribution
00:43:48  Transformational Perspective: Not Every Grown Child is Ready to Parent their Parent
00:50:12  The Quick Shot: Parenting vs Coaching vs Advising
01:00:15  The Final Blow: It's About Honor
01:04:09  Closing: Thanks for joining us!

Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.

Episode Transcript

Anitra (00:04):
Hey, hey, beautiful people. How are we doing? I am
Anitra in Lawson storyteller,producer, educator, content
creator. He is Dr. Andre Evans.
He's a game changer,change-maker, full-time
goofball , and the brother Inever wanted. We are the Savage
siblings, and this is theSavage Siblings Podcast where

(00:27):
we are brutally honest,relentlessly transparent, and
unapologetically authentic. Asalways, we are so glad you guys
are rocking with us. Listen,welcome back to part two. Yes,
part two of, because I said sothe last episode we left off
discussing a really interestingseason of life. You know, when

(00:49):
children become parents totheir parents, and I know some
of you can relate to that. Soas we mentioned in that last
episode, that part one, it gotreally good to Dre and I and we
chatted much longer than weusually do, which is so sad to
say, but it's true. So this ishow we got a part two that
you're now listening to, but ifyou didn't listen to part one,

(01:10):
I need you to stop, gotta pauseright here, right now. Go and
listen to part one. And this isso that you can hear the
foundation that we laid aboutthe stages of parenting, right?
We talk about going fromparenting your kids to coaching
your kids, to advising your,you know, young adult children.
Right? We unpack thedifferences and similarities in
between how siblings areparented different by their

(01:31):
parents. Cuz Dre and I both haddifferent approaches with our
parents, and then how thatimpacts the way that we parent
our children now as adults,right? So we laid a lot of
foundation , uh, specific todefining the cycles of life. We
talked about resolvingparenting issues and parenting
styles, and all of thatleapfrogs into what we're gonna
discuss in this episode, whichis part two of, because I said

(01:56):
so. So once you're all caughtup, come back here so you can
listen if you're ready. Withoutfurther ado, this is part two
of, because I said so, and themost important question is,
Hey, are y'all ready to getsavage? Okay, good. Let's get
savage. Um, I'll kick it backto you, brother. One of the

(02:17):
things that, that we've beentalking about is what , what I
kinda labeled the Thanosmentality , uh, in terms of
just, it , it being inevitablethat, listen, we going , we
gonna get old. Okay . Y'alllike, I , I wish there was some
sort of limitless elixir thatwe could , some pool of youth
that you pool of endless youthYeah. Mm-hmm . That we could
inject or take, whatever. But Ialways say this, this joke is ,

(02:39):
um, it's, it's funny. Iremember, you know, grandpa
saying, I gotta get ready forbed. You know, when you're
young, you're like, what doesthat even mean? Just go to bed.
Right? Right . Keep living .
Right . Keep living. Because Iwonder why our mom would be
sleeping on the couch, orgrandpa would sleep on the
couch and I'd be saying, justgo get in the bed. Well, here's
the thing, as you get older,you can't just go get in bed.
No. It takes a lot to take yourroutine, routine clothes off,

(03:01):
routine , routine . You gottago and take your denture. You
gotta go and set things up forthe next day. Like, do you
sleep on the couch? Cause youlike

Andre (03:10):
To work ? You start to negotiate some things you can
leave to the next day. Like ,do I really need to shower ? Do
I really need to take out thesedentures, ,

Anitra (03:18):
Can I sleep in these clothes?

Andre (03:19):
Do I really need to brush my teeth?

Anitra (03:21):
? So it is inevitable that we are
definitely, you know, we're allgoing to age, all gonna get
older. Uh, but, you know, whatare your thoughts, bro? Bro ,
when it comes to this notion oftransitioning and , um, how our
parents, you know, well , wegotta know that they're gonna
need our, our parenting,they're gonna need our support.
How do we handle theinevitability of getting old

Andre (03:43):
Of that ? You know? And, and so I wanna I wanna go back
to Sure, sure. The resolvingfor a second mm-hmm .
in order to moveforward to the transition.
Absolute. Because oh my gosh,you, you definitely hit such a
poignant and important part ofbeing able to transition.
That's good to , to thecaretaker . That's , and that
is resolving parenting issuesYeah . And parent resolving

(04:05):
parenting styles because mm-hmm. If you don't do that, you
can't even contribute to thetransition. Mm-hmm . Right ?
Right . That's good. If youdon't resolve the issues both
as a parent or as a child withyour parent, you can't even
transition to the moment whereyou can healthy a health in a
healthy and well way, waythat's be able to That's good .

(04:26):
Take care of, of your parents.
And there's a term that , um,psychologists use mm-hmm .
called , uh,parentification. Mm-hmm . And ,
and so if you , if you think of, uh, what is that? What
happens to, oh, Petr, you know,when a wood piece or when a
mm-hmm . , uh,uh, um, a tree trunk gets
petrified, it's

Anitra (04:44):
Stuck. Mm-hmm .
. Yep .

Andre (04:45):
It's stuck in this, this state that's hardened that it ,
there's no more life, no moregrowth mm-hmm. .
Well , so, you know, resolving,you know, parenting issues and
resolving parenting styles iswhat actually keeps you as a
child from being petrified orbeing parentified, if you will.

(05:06):
Yeah . That's good . Um ,right. And, and so, so when we
think of that moment, when wethink of that resolving those
things, you gotta first thinkabout the fact that, you know,
well , number one, your parentsweren't perfect. You are not
perfect as a parent. Right ?
Right. Yep . And , and thebeauty of that, of that
situation is, is there weretimes where we knew mom and dad
weren't perfect, but because wehad each other as siblings, we

(05:28):
could push past emotionally,mentally, behaviorally, some of
the imperfections we saw. Wecould look at each other and
say, yeah, mom didn't get thatright. Dad getting that. Right.
But we could also look witheach other and say, but hey,
Nick, we'll get it right withour kids . Get it. Right . So
let's, let's push past thismoment. That's good. But some

(05:48):
of the problem is, is when the,when the apology doesn't come,
and apology can go a long way,I can't tell you how many times
Danielle and I have hadconversations where I've said,
baby, I'm really baby girl. I'mreally sorry I wasn't there.

Anitra (06:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Andre (06:04):
And, and, and, and that is what gave her the capacity
to allow me to parent her.

Anitra (06:11):
That's so good. Right?

Andre (06:12):
And instead of petrify her.

Anitra (06:15):
Yes . Ooh ,

Andre (06:16):
Ooh . Because if I don't apologize. If I don't, if I
don't acknowledge that I'm notperfect as a parent, it
petrifies her. And now, and,and I mean , in every single
extent of the word, not onlydoes it harden her to not want
to give and risk and bevulnerable as a child with me,
she'll actually refuse the carethat I want to give, which

(06:37):
means refuse the care that shemay naturally want to give as
my child. So, so you gotta beable to apologize. You gotta be
able to resolve. But whathappens a lot of times when
parents don't do that, is theypush their child into the role
of a caretaker, or the role ofsome of, of kind of like a
referee or, or, or peer with aparent. And, and, and, and

(07:00):
that's obviously, that isdetrimental to the relationship
of the parent or the child,right? Yes . Because when you
push your child into being,your peer pushed your child to
being a care caretaker becauseyou haven't resolved your
parenting issues good . Youhaven't resolved your parenting
style issues, now all of asudden your children are being

(07:21):
developed inappropriately for,for , for lifelong adult
situations . Goodness . When welook at that parentification
man, we're looking at thismoment where there's this life
spectrum, this life cyclemm-hmm . , and
all you've done is you'vecaused hurt in different stages
of your kids' life cycle . Kidsthat are parentified ,

(07:42):
they often need all this kindof inner child work. And here's
my example to that. Mm-hmm.
, when I finallybecame the father I needed to
be for Daniella, she regressed

Anitra (07:56):
Wow .

Andre (07:56):
And went back to almost five years old in her twenties,
because that's the last timeshe saw me operate as a father.
And I missed so many years forso many reasons. I had to
resolve that. And in theregression, I then had to say,

(08:17):
oh, she's, I , what I had torecognize is, wait, she's
allowing me to be a parenthere, so let me go, let me give
, let me , let me do it . Yes .
Let me , let me do it. Let mestep up and be the parent I
need to be. Let me step up andbe , uh, and , and help her
through this season, this phaseof me saying, no, I am your
father. Lemme

Anitra (08:35):
Tell you . And can I just say something real quick
here, bro , bro , absolute .
Just really quick. That's ahuge shout out to any of you
that might be in that position,right ? Absolutely . The
humility and the courage ittakes that , yes, you might be
45, 55 years old when you havethis resolved with your child,
but parent don't say, you'retoo busy. Don't say it's too
late. Don't say, oh , well, Imissed the opportunity when

(08:57):
that opportunity presents.
That's a gift from God. And youstep into it. And I just wanna
applaud you , uh, for notallowing anything from your
pride to fear to , uh, yeah ,absolutely . Just that mindset
is too, you know, it's toolate. Like, none of that
seeping in. So just good foryou. I just wanted to say that,
but I'm

Andre (09:16):
Go ahead and , and , but , and here's, and here's how
that looks for those of youhearing this message in this
moment, before Daniella allowedme to step into the phase of
parenting, she was a seriouskid. Everything was serious,
everything was professional,everything was stoic,
everything. Mm-hmm.
, when I said,I'm sorry I wasn't there for

(09:39):
you, baby girl, I'm sorry, butlet's go do, let's do what we
can now . Let's do, oof . Uh ,how did I put it ? I'm sorry I
wasn't there. And I would saysomething, y'all might laugh,
but it was so great for themoment, but can we go get ice
cream and talk about it rightnow? That's so good. Yeah . I ,
I wanna make sure y'all heardwhat I just said. I feel that
Oof . Can we go get ice creamand talk about it right now?

(10:02):
Mm-hmm . , canwe, can we, can we go to the
amusement? Can we go to , canyou meet me at Disney World?
And we can just hang , right?
So I'm doing these things, but,and here's what changed in that
moment, and here's why. Nikki ,what you said is so poignant.
Take the opportunity when theyallow you to be the parent,
when , even if you haven'tbeen, take the opportunity
because Daniella stopped beingso serious. I stalled Daniella

(10:23):
be the five-year old girl. Yeah. And then the six year old
girl, and then the seven yearold girl. And slowly she caught
up to being where we were inreality. In other words, I saw
her go from these grand,eloquent, professional words to
this childlike laughing,playing in the rain, being

(10:45):
silly. Yep . Being silly. Andwhen she moved there, I
remembered what it was likebeing a parent for friend . And
Corey , I got to be sillyagain. Mm-hmm . I got to be
childlike. I got to be, and itwasn't a peer to peer thing, it
was a , Hey, I remember doingthis with friend and Corey . We
were doing things that Chrisand Corey and I did when they

(11:08):
were young and had a joy, andit deepened our relationship.
And that's why I said, now atthe end of my life cycle ,
Daniella's gonna look at me andmy wife and be like, no , y'all
living with me. Y'all ain'tfinna go to no, no, no home .
Y'all living with me. Mm-hmm .
, I'm, I'm finnatake care of y'all. And , and

(11:28):
don't get me wrong, friend ,she'll be there, she'll
. Right . Right . She'll checkin, Corey , she'll be there.
Yeah . You know ? Yeah .
Hundred percent . But , butit's because Yes, Nikki is so
poignant when you said that,when they give you, when they
show you that they're going toallow you to be the parent, be
the parent when they allow youto move into coaching, be the

(11:49):
coach. Yes. No matter what kind, hold off the advisement phase
as long as you can. Yes .
Because that you don't wannamiss those first two phases. So
Yeah. Is it inevitable? That'swhy I'm saying this. Yes. It's
inevitable. You're going tobecome old one day and you're
going to look at them, they'regonna look at you and watch
this based on how you movethrough those phases. Nikki

(12:12):
talked about, that's gonna letyou know how your end of cycle,
your full circle. Yeah . Uh ,how it's gonna come to, to
fruition. It's gonna let youknow. And, and, and, and so
then from the kid point, so nowI just talk from the parent
point . It's inevitable. Momand dad, they're at the age
where we're saying, all right ,I need y'all to think about

(12:33):
what the next season of yourlife looks like, which means
whether you like it or not,you're no longer independent.
Yep . , you're , you'reno longer independent. Nope .
You ain't finna just be livingby yourself, an apartment dad.
Nope . You know? Mm-hmm . And ,and , and here's the thing. If
he says, I'm gonna go live withmy siblings, cool . I know

(12:55):
there's gonna be a season wherehe can't live with them. All
right , dad, now it's time.
Yeah . You know, now, now it'stime to come. And, and, and
it's the thought process as akid, and this is why I said
it's so important that you letyou operate in the phase your
children are inviting you inmm-hmm. . Because
at some point you're going toimpact how they think of you

(13:16):
when you're that age. Andhere's the thing, they can
think of you as a burden. Mm .
Or instead Right. They canthink of their new role in your
life as not necessarilyparenting their parent, but
instead they can think ofthemselves as a trusted ally
and resource for your lifebecoming great at the end of

(13:39):
life. Yeah . And I think youkind of hinted on that earlier
mm-hmm . , atsome point, when you balance
out the relationship, you're ,you , you need to have, when
you're walking through thesephases as a parent, and when
they, if your parents balancedit out with you at some point,
it's just like you said, Nikki, when you become the parent,
when the pa when the childbecomes the parent, the child
has to be able to say, how do Imake the best life the best

(14:04):
Yeah . For my parents . Yep .
And I'm gonna do it becausethey did the best life they
could give me as they operated, uh, through the different
phases , uh, that that, that Iallow them into. And so you
don't, you don't, you don'tlook at it as a burden. You
don't look at it as, I gotta ,I gotta take, I don't even

(14:25):
wanna look at it as caretaking.
Right . What I wanna look at atis as, as I'm a resource from
my mom and dad, so that theycan have the best life they can
have at end of life. Mm-hmm .
. That's so good. And that's why I look at it.
And, and the, and the otherthing is, is that mindset
promotes a healthier lifestyle,a healthier lifestyle overall.
And the reason why it does isbecause when you think of it as

(14:47):
a burden, when you think ofyourself as caretaker, you end
up letting that role caretakerdefine your own relationship.

Anitra (14:55):
Your relationship. That is it.

Andre (14:57):
Oof . And we can't do that. That'll, that'll wear you
out. You'll get burdened. No,I'm gonna say, dad, now that
you with me, my wife or, orDaniela, I know her, she gonna
say, dad, now that you and yourwife are with us, it's time to
make new memories. That's sogood . It's time to make new
good this season , uh, goals,new life achievements. It's not

(15:18):
time to look back and say, dog,I can't do this no more. Mm-hmm
. , I can't dothis. No, no, no. It's time to
make new stuff. It's a newseason, new stuff. Yeah . And
that's how I would be. Andthat's, and and that's because
that's the relationship thatmom and dad gave us, right?
Yeah. Yeah . You know, I,there's still things that I

(15:38):
know mom wants to do, and Ican't wait to have the
opportunity. Maybe we could dosome of those things together.
But that's because when she wasraising and rearing me, there
was a lot of times where it waslike, Andre, let's do something
new. Yeah . What do you want todo? And same thing with dad.
Dad was always , because likeyou said, dad is always saying,

(15:59):
Hey, I just need you. I wantyou to live your best life .
I'm here to support, I'm herefor you . Mm-hmm .
, whatever youcan dream, get after that
thing.

Anitra (16:07):
Get after it.

Andre (16:08):
, get after it.
So, so yeah. While it'sinevitable, they're gonna
eventually need us to raisethem. I think the mindset
behind it, I'm not take , I'mnot a caretaker. No. I'm a
resource and an ally so that myparents can have the best life
they can have at end of life.
And I'm gonna do it with, wegonna make memories. We're
gonna sh we're gonna make newmoments that are going down ,

(16:30):
uh, to, to just create thisgreat , uh, experience of life.

Anitra (16:35):
I love it. And, and I think it's f it's fair to also
just to acknowledge that it ischallenging. Yeah. It is . Um ,
looking in at that process and,and, and recognize that it'd be
okay saying, okay, this is notgonna necessarily be as easy,
but it doesn't have to beterrible or difficult or hard
either to look at my parentsgetting older, look at myself
getting older. Right. I know, Iremember when our dad first ,

(16:57):
uh, you know, got rid of allhis teeth and got dentures. Oh
my God . And I , God justremember going, is that father
sitting at this family event?
Did he just take them 2000 ? Hetook us , he just took his two
and they started eating infront everybody. Yes , he did .
And he got a , he had a nerveto get a corn on the cob or
something, but I was like, youknow, you shouldn't be eating
that , you shoulda havewent for the mashed potatoes.
You know , what is going on?

(17:18):
And you know, you , we laugh atit , but there's a moment when
you go, whoa, I'd like, that'smy dad. Like, yeah , I, you
know, mom, for me growing upwas superwoman like, right .
Point blank period. Yeah . Andit's tough sometimes for those
of you who have moms and dadslike that, that look her
Herculean, that look like, andthen you kind of have to
eventually say, yeah, she'ssuper rich woman .

(17:39):
Right, right. She , she's,she's slightly above ordinary
woman .

Andre (17:43):
She's , what do you call it ? She's super adjacent,

Anitra (17:45):
super adjacent there go . She's still dope.
But yeah, I could see life isages in it . And , and so it's
not easy to do it, but I agree.
I had a note here, and I lovethat Broa already mentioned it,
that, you know, two things.
One, it's inevitable in termsof human nature. We also push
against that aging process. Ithink this is the reason why,
you know, you got men and theyseventies, it will still try to

(18:08):
holler at a 20 year old . Right. It's up to that
be like, girl, if youonly knew, I still got it .
Like Paul . It's like,what? Like , so we pushing you
ain't nothing but arthritis, , and a prescription to
Viagra. Right? Right . Butthat's, so it is hard for us to
kind of embrace it. But I lovewhat you say about mindset.

(18:30):
Mindset really does equip youto embrace it. And bro , bro is
Right. I think, you know, youspoke about it from, I think
the standpoint of the childand, and, and not going into it
as a burden, but taking it asmore as a blessing, but Right.
Um, it's even helping yourparent have the mindset shift.
Uh , absolutely. You know, two,two quick things that, that I,

(18:52):
you know, just wanna point out.
You know, our grandfatherreally talked to our mom when
he was on his deathbed. Youknow, it was our grandfather.
My mom's an only child. And ,uh, well actually, you know,
she had two, two siblings, butthey passed away. And then my
grandmother and he, you know,grandpa was very , uh, hurt.
Mm-hmm . , herealized that he was gonna
leave this earth and leave hisdaughter and his mo and his

(19:12):
wife. And that was veryfrustrating. So our mom talked
about, you know, those lastdays, him talking to her and
one of the things that he said,which I just thought was so
profound, and it gave me somuch perspective on how he was
caregiving as a spouse, whichis a , you know, a different
role in different episodes. Buthe told our mom, you know,
give, give grandma the smallwind . Yeah. Yeah . He said,

(19:35):
this is, now , this is a, thisis a man who, I mean, what Dre
they were married. Oh yeah .
Well over 60 years, right? Yeah. Like 60, I mean Yeah .
Decades. Marriages that don'texist anymore. That don't exist
anymore. Yeah. And he had, youknow, walked through them both
losing two children. Yeah .
That died in my grandmother'sarms. Yeah. Uh, you know, her
being highly intelligent duringthat generation and not being

(19:58):
allowed to get past like asixth or seventh grade
education. Right . Alwaysfeeling very trapped. And so,
you know, grandpa said to ourmom, she has had a life where
she's felt slighted and shedidn't, and you know, right.
Wrong or indifferent, that'swhat she felt. So when he would
give her little boxes ofchocolates and things like that
mm-hmm . He was going after thesmall wins Yeah . For that

(20:21):
mindset. Yeah . Yeah . For themindset. And , um, you know,
for , you know, you guys don'tknow this, but our grandmother,
she struggled with her weight,obesity, things like that.
Mm-hmm . . Andfrom the outside looking in, we
would be like, grandpa, why youkeep bringing her that pie
? Why you keep bringingher in cookies? Right , right.
But I never understood untilmom , mom told me what grandpa
said on his deathbed and hesays , she's not going to, you

(20:42):
know, she's going for , giveher the small things because so
many larger things she hasn'tresolved or she resolved and
just kind of relegated to thisis my life. Right . So you do
the small things . So after hepassed our mother, then set up
family things where people comeover and play cards, she made
sure the house was , waswelcoming. Yes . And that's
about that mindset, right.
That, you know, I'm also heregoing to, I can't, I can't

(21:04):
parent her. She ain't, sheain't gonna do nothing
different from her diet. Right. That ain't happening. She
ain't gonna take no coaching.
Right. So the best I can do isjust kind of give her the small
victories, open our, our house, bring family around. And I
think that's so important forus to help our parents even
have the best mindset. I , Iused to do 5K runs and walks
when I was in Florida. And meand some fam u folks, we would

(21:25):
do those as well at bro, bro .
We would run a little bit andthen we walk, you know, we run
a little bit. Right . Then wewalk. Right , right. And so we
were getting down to the end ofthis 5k and now mind you, we're
in our twenties. There's acouple of professors probably
in their forties, and we're ina little group. I kid you not,
I hear this kind of, you know,this , it wasn't really a super
loud voice, but this man, heyells on your left, 90 year old

(21:50):
firecracker coming through.
Love it. . And, andmind you we're kind of walking
and we should be running cuz wecan see the finish line and we
all turn and bravo . Now thisman is speed walking cuz he is
90 or maybe than 90 right now.
It's not a beautiful, you know,like Hercules, d n a type brand
. Right , right , right . Thisis not someone that you could
tell his whole family is, is,you know, it's not there. No.

(22:12):
He looks every bit of 90 yearsold. . But his mindset,
that's it . When I tell you itparted the red. We all was
like, go ahead. You deserve togo right head

Andre (22:22):
Moses, go

Anitra (22:23):
Ahead Moses. And he was just a trucking with his little
speed walk. His little hips wasjust going as much as they can
. Right . And I said, now thatright there, that's what I'm
talking about is that's thatmindset. And so we have to, you
know, encourage our , ourparents as they go through it
and ourselves too, that yourmindset matters. And you
already mindset , reallymindset pointed that out.
Mindset absolutely matters . Sowell, but help them also have

(22:45):
that mindset of I'm a 90 yearold firecracker coming through.
He was like , on

Andre (22:49):
Your left , I love America . Come on .

Anitra (22:57):
Said , all right . Make it happen. So, so here , here's
a great question though, interms of looking at, you know,
the inevitability. So, youknow, this assumes that we have
siblings, but not always, butwho actually gets to parent.
Yeah . Like how do youdetermine who should be, or
parenting or you know , orcoaching or advising who needs
to step up? How does that, youknow, how do we unpack that?

Andre (23:17):
You know, in my just very profound and professional
recommendation. , Ithink what determines that is ,
um, rock, paper, scissors.
Right. Clearly drawing straws.
Right . You know , any of thosemethods.

Anitra (23:33):
Expert analysis , highly

Andre (23:34):
Expert opinion, , any of those will do . No , I
know . I , you know ,

Anitra (23:39):
I think best five be five .

Andre (23:42):
Right . Until I win, it's gonna be the best out .
Right . . Right. Ok .
You know, I I think a lot of ithas to do with , um, which
parent it is. Yeah. Um , andnow if the parents are married,
then which sibling it is.
Mm-hmm . And it , and it's whatI mean that mm-hmm . If it's,

(24:03):
if the parents are not married,it's which parent it is , then
it's, which sibling was closerto that parent has a better
relationship that's with that ,with that parent.

Anitra (24:13):
Look , poor Malachi . Right . Shout out to
the only children. I don't havethat option. Right, right ,

Andre (24:20):
Right . Default . We'll , we'll, we'll refer Malachi to
a different epi , a differentpodcast like Savage, solo
. Right . Default .
Listen to that one. But as forthose of us who have siblings,
, we're in the rightplace for this conversation.
You know , I , I think that'swhat it is. Um , because cause
if we look at even our ownsituation, I think it would've

(24:42):
always have been even when wejoke and laugh Yeah . Mom
would've gravitated towards youby your conversation. Yeah .
Dad would gravitate towards meby my conversation. Right. Yeah
. We would never have to askmom or dad. We would've been
like, nah , you got mom, I gotdad. Yeah . Because of our
personalities and ourrelationship. Sure . Right?
Mm-hmm. . Now, hadthey been married, I think that

(25:04):
would've been a differentconver . Oh , oh yeah . That
definitely would've been adifferent convers conversation.
Would um, and I don't knowwhich way that would go. I
think it would be, depends onwhich one has the most Senil.
,

Anitra (25:16):
Yeah . Yes. .

Andre (25:19):
Cause whoever's the most senile, right . Who's gonna be
the biggest I'll come

Anitra (25:22):
Help you

Andre (25:24):
Difficulty . Right . So in this case

Anitra (25:25):
That's we intervene with the other spouse. Like ,
ok , what's the plan ?

Andre (25:30):
Depends on who got the most humility at that point.
Listen ,

Anitra (25:32):
I'm gonna hold him down. What are you gonna do
?

Andre (25:36):
I'm like , if, if dad is the most senile, then I think
they're both coming with you.
If mom is the most senile, theymight be coming with me because
me and dad could probablymanage mom.

Anitra (25:46):
Right . . But if it's dad all hands off ,
everybody leaving cricket .

Andre (25:51):
So I but no and all , no, I'm serious though . Those
are relationship type typeissues. So I think in those
scenarios it really is about,you know, what's the
circumstance? It's not cookiecutter. What's the
circumstance? Yeah . Uh, whichpersonalities get along better
or which relationship dynamicsAlso then which household has

(26:12):
the greater dynamics for theneed . Right.

Anitra (26:14):
Oh, you better teach, you better teach

Andre (26:16):
Big part . Right .
Malachi is so enriched andblessed because Nana's there.

Anitra (26:21):
Yes.

Andre (26:22):
Danielle , multi generation , well Danielle is
an adult, but Pri Coreywouldn't have been impacted
like Malachi is percent causethey're so independent. And so
they been like, Nana, can yougo sit down, go sit down
somewhere , and you getout of our new way . Nana,
Nana, can you get outta thekitchen? ?

Anitra (26:38):
Wait , I have to tell you the funniest story, just ,
just real quick here. When Nanawent, she went to visit , uh,
Corey , Corrine and uh, Katinafor one of the holidays. But so
she she gets up early.
Nana's an early riser and she'salso loud. She just, she the
Dangerfield family, they justdanger , don't know how to get
the decibels of their voice.
Right. And God bless my nieceCorey , she woke up like she

(27:01):
was sleeping in the room, butmama so loud her voice was
carrying through. But becauseshe was like, Nana, you're my
nana and I love you. She waslike, but if you weren't my
nana, I would've come out hereabout three hours ago and been
like, please keep it down. And I was right . I
said, yep . It's so glad thatshe doesn't live with her full
time . Cause that would turninto a full out argument. But

(27:21):
she said, cause you're my nanaand I love you. Right . I just
dealt with it for the lastthree hours. Yeah. Your voice
is loud. Just so you know.
.

Andre (27:29):
Right. And see, those are the dynamics I'm talking
about. Like , I'd have beenlike , for the sake of my home
and peace with my own childrenright now , my you gotta go
stay with Nick

Anitra (27:40):
Mother-in-law hot in the back. . Right.

Andre (27:44):
Listen , there's a, what do you call that? There's a pup
tint in the back and an airmattress. Right .

Anitra (27:49):
That's what you can do.
And a hose.

Andre (27:51):
Right . Wash yourself off. That's what you can do .

Anitra (27:54):
Get some water.

Andre (27:56):
I get you one of them solar panels that maybe
generate some heat for you ,but that's the place you're
getting . Uh , because again,it's, it's the dynamics of the
relationship. It's the dynamicsof the home. Um, and the
beautiful thing though is, isMalachi is gonna return that in
kind to you when it comes time.
Sure. Really Sure . Really is.
And that, that's whereas me, Ialready told you my situation,

(28:19):
, I'll be with Daniela, the other two leave me out
the dry , they're gonnaleave me out the dry . That's
what it's,

Anitra (28:26):
Let me add this cuz this, I, this is really weird
for me, especially becausewe've been talking about my dad
dynamics with our dad. But II'm gonna put this out there
listeners. Y'all can cla clapback. Y'all can correct me.
I'm, I'm open to it. I tend tobelieve that girls take care
of, they papas and boys takecare of their mamas when we get
to this space. And the onlyreason why I wanna point it out

(28:47):
is a lot of my, my closest bestfriends, those from Kansas,
those are here all , um, andthey're not all actually
daddy's girls, but it's justalready clear. And then a lot
of my, my, my male friends whohave daughters, like some of
'em were like going to theirwife's like, no , we gotta keep
going till I get a girl.
this girl gonna takecare of me at the end of the
day, like, yeah, I got my boy,but I definitely need a girl.

(29:08):
Right. And so it , it's funny,as I listened to it from
different aspects, I was like,Hmm . But I find myself now,
bro, bro, thinking about Igotta talk to dad. I gotta see,
like, I find myself aware of itand open to mm-hmm .
mm-hmm.
, uh, what isthis space in terms of just
making sure he's good. We'vealready, you know, clearly
articulated he is, he isadvisory all the way. And so

(29:29):
that's kind of how we have tohandle it with him. Right. But
I tend to think that yeah. Thatthere's something about, you
know, girls when it's healthy,when everything is healthy and
dynamic, taking care of theirpapas and boys, certainly
looking out for their moms.
Cause I definitely feel thatway. Formal Malachi and me. So
what do you think about that?

Andre (29:47):
I I I I think your key there is when it's healthy.
Right?

Anitra (29:50):
When it's healthy.
Yeah.

Andre (29:51):
Yeah. Um, and but, but then the question becomes
statistically speaking. Yeah .
When is it healthy? Right? Yeah. Numbers . Cause would tell
you that the majority of thatin that scenario situation, the
majority, I would say thatgirls have a tendency to want
to take care of their dads andtheir moms boys have a tendency
to not want to take care ofanybody.

Anitra (30:11):
Anybody. . All right . So we want the
listeners to let us know yourthoughts on that. For sure. Um,
the only thing I would say Iwould point out is that there
is also , um, and , and Drekind of pointed this out in the
last little piece about thehonor , um, you know, and
taking care of your parents.
There's some of us that havetwo things. One, some people

(30:32):
really do just think it's anhonorable thing. Like you value
it. Absolutely . You thinkabout the healthy , uh,
circumstances that yourparents, the sacrifices they
made, all that they sowed intoyou. And so , uh, and it , and
it's great. I think when yourmindset is about that honor
because it also means you'renot controlling. Uh , it also
means you can really clearlydelineate and , and kind of
differentiate when you need toparent, coach and advise. And

(30:54):
it also means if you havesiblings, you're also not
trying to dictate , uh, becauseyou're happy to contribute in
whatever capacity that theseason needs, understanding
that it might shift mm-hmm .
. And so Idefinitely think for those of
us that have the mindset aboutthe honor and giving back to
our parents, ideally when it'sbeen healthy it's easier. But
even when it hasn't beenhealthy , um, some of us just

(31:16):
have that mindset. And theother thing is some of us are
natural caregivers. Sure .
Naturally empathetic, naturallyhave the gift of help or giving
and it's innate in you. And so,you know, that's good. That
means you can use that to alsogive that to your parents. Uh,
you could use that to help asibling that maybe is taking on
the lion's share at a certainseason to say, okay, well how

(31:38):
can I support you as yousupport them? And I definitely
think when it comes down to whogets to parent , siblings have
to consider that. Like, youknow, is DRE better at managing
finances? Is Dre better attalking to dad? Is is he just a
little bit more empathetic inthat way? Um, can he do this?
And if so, let me allow him tooperate in those gifts and find

(32:00):
out where I can be supportivein a different area. Right. Um,
but it does mean that you kindof set aside and r really not
set aside but resolve any paththat you can focus on as, you
know, as Andre already said, onreally , um, you know, being a
blessing there too. So whatabout unique circumstances,
bro? Or any , or any thoughtsyou wanna add there? Cuz
sometimes, like I said,divorce, separated, et cetera .

Andre (32:22):
So, so well what I wanna add to the uniqueness there is,
is is you, you , one of theareas you also have to see, so
like in, in , in life right nowyou are at, you as my sister
are at a different season oflife activities as I am mm-hmm
. . Right . Andso what I mean, what I mean by
that is, is this isn't theseason for me to be taking care

(32:45):
of a parent because I stillwant to travel. I wanna , I
want to , I I I have lifethings I want to do that
require me to be away from thehome a lot. Mm-hmm.
.

Anitra (32:56):
Mm-hmm.

Andre (32:56):
. And so then what am I doing? Am I
boarding mom or dad? Likethey're a pet ? Like ,
cause cause you know, someplaces

Anitra (33:04):
Taking

Andre (33:04):
Three please. Right? I'd love to take them with me, but
are they gonna slow me down?
Yeah. Yeah. Right. So, so Ithink there's also that life ,
uh, stage life activity stagethat that one sibling's in
versus the other. And that'snot to say you don't have the
aspirations of going, but youalso have Malachi. Right. So
there's , there's something ,it's a family you can't do.

(33:25):
Yeah . I'm, I'm about to be anempty nester. So the world is
wide open to me. Yep . Yeah .
And , and, and so there may besome things that I'm saying to
myself, wait a second, I didn'tget to do this while I was
raising. I can't raising Karenand Corey while I was parenting
and, and and becoming a fatherto Daniela, but now that mm-hmm
. I'm an empty nester. There'ssome stuff mm-hmm . I want to

(33:46):
do. If I bring in a parent whoI have to parent now, I can't
do it. Right? Mm-hmm . Now. Andso I , I you know, sometimes
it's, it's what season of lifeactivities are. Then will I
always be that way? No. Youknow, 10, 20 years from now I'm
like okay, I'm ready to settledown and just, I ain't ready to
go anywhere. Yeah . Well 10years from now if that becomes

(34:07):
the case, then now I'm saying,Hey Nick , you need a break.

Anitra (34:11):
Yeah.

Andre (34:12):
Yeah. You know , cuz then you're moving into empty
nester . Mm-hmm. .
Mm-hmm . Nick , you need abreak? All right . Cool. And ,
and mom , that's the otherthing. Poor mom and dad, that's
the other thing. Right ? Like,wait, I'm settled here in la, I
gotta move to San Diego. Why?
Because I said so . Iso , cause it's my turn to go
out . I'm Finn to be an emptynester. , you finna go

(34:33):
.

Anitra (34:34):
What ?

Andre (34:37):
I don't hear. No , I know. I don't hear no back talk
pack your bag . I knowy'all don't hear no back

Anitra (34:44):
Talk . Be sitting out on the front lawn with a bag
and clutching one bag justwaiting to be picked up .
Listen ,

Andre (34:50):
Listen.

Anitra (34:51):


Andre (34:53):
and I'm gonna roll up whenever I get there
too.

Anitra (34:56):
Right? And you gonna wait basically. But you , you
bring up a good point becauseit's two-sided too, like the
season that you're in in termsof Right . You know, traveling
and you're empty nesting. Buteven what's good for the
parent, which you kind ofalready said that too, but you
know, this has been perfect formom to kind of really spark a
new season in her life. Ooh .
Yeah . Cause you can get tolate sixties, seventies and you

(35:17):
know, when you're unmarried ifyou have, you know, a spouse
that's deceased or whatever thecircumstance and start feeling
like, okay, this is kind of it.
And so it was a blessing for ustoo that she came and then now
she's got a grandson that's amiddle schooler. Yes. Yes. And
she loves education. So all thepeople at the school know her
and p t a folks know her. AndI'm like, look at mom up here

(35:37):
with all these 30 and 40 yearold parents mm-hmm .
and she's 70 plusand can run the building. Like,
and so I , that's what I loveabout the conversation Yeah .
Of the unique se you know,circumstances of what makes the
most sense in this season.
Right . And in this case, it'sgiven her activity . She wasn't
hardly walking when she movedhere. Now she walks five miles
a day. Absolutely. And thatcame from being connected to

(35:59):
her grandson to me. Yes . Yes.
And that's a space that sheneeded to be in. And so I
totally agree is that you haveto really analyze it. And you
already mentioned for healthconcerns. I always laugh at the
fact that our, our grandfatherbuilt a like, house long ramp
for our grandmother for causeshe was in a wheelchair is not
just a ramp that's like acouple of feet. It was like the

(36:19):
length of the side of the house. Yes, it was. Because that's
how you could build it. Right.
But it, again, it had to comedown to this is what the need
is to support, you know, thisseason of our grandmother. And
so our mom understood, youknow, this house has been
designed, you know, for them inthese latter years. I have
another good friend who herparents don't want her to, you

(36:41):
know, air quote , stop her lifeto take care of them. The bro
bro , they, they purchased thehouse next to the house that
they've lived in their wholelife. Oh wow. And they've spent
the last 10 years designing it,retrofitting it for wide doors
all one level and setting itup. Because their bottom line
was, yes, daughter, we know youlove us. Yes. We know you would

(37:02):
drop everything at the d youknow, drop of a dime to come
and take care of us. But we aregoing to, and this goes back to
your point about when yourchildren allow you to, well the
parents have to allow it too .
Yes, they do. And so theirbottom line is, we don't want
you to parent or to coach , uh,if anything there's advisory.
So we're gonna do everything onour power to make sure that you

(37:23):
can continue to live life. Sothey've got it set up that when
they get to a point to wherethey can't take care of each
other or themselves , they canliterally move in next door to
this home that right next doordesigned for them's . And then
their main house is now openfor them to hire someone. That
person can stay there and thenhelp for them. And so, you
know, it's , it is a, it's afamily effort. It's a two-way

(37:43):
street. It it is somethingthat's broader, but if you're
not talking about it, you know,you're not gonna get to that,
to that point. So , um, youknow, how do you think parents,
you know, or how, whether do weparent or coach or advise once
we have made this transition,made this transition and now we
actually are bringing themthere. What are your thoughts
on that? So,

Andre (38:01):
So, so know that's where I think like it's, you know,
each situation is going to beunique. So for us mm-hmm .
Right. You have the physicalcare of mom. Yeah . But
together we have the emotional,the mental behavioral care of
mom, right? Mm-hmm.
. So there ,that's why I have to That's
good. So, so what do you do?
Well , you know, w weunderstand that, you know,

(38:22):
Nikki , these are the thingsthat you bring to the table
mm-hmm . as avillage participant to raise
mom.

Anitra (38:28):
Yeah. That's good.

Andre (38:28):
That's good. So then Andre knows that he's gotta
check in with mom emotionallyand mentally Yeah . And see how
she's doing. And I do and, and, and oftentimes I, you know,
and Nikki , I don't call youand say, Hey, I checked on mom
emotionally because that's Yeah. You know, cuz she made be
saying , I'm sick and tired ofNikki , so I'm not gonna say
that , I'm not gonnayou help . So , so I take on

(38:52):
her so she can pour out so thatthen she can continue to have a
daughter and I can continue tohave a sister. Yes . Right?

Anitra (38:58):
Yes . Yes. So I don't

Andre (39:00):
Die. I try . So I just, I check on her. But, so that's
what I bring to the tablebecause I can't bring the
physical environment mm-hmm.
I bring then. So,so it's, it's what do you bring
to the table now? Cuz it's notjust, it's not just Nikki , you
took on mom. Right? We did ly Ijustly have just a different
role. I'm not just gonna be theone that takes on dad. We are

(39:24):
going to take on dad.
Absolutely. And you just have adifferent role. Absolutely .
And , and , and you know, we,it's , to me it's that life
support, right? Yeah . It's ,uh, you know , uh, it's, it's
uh, at some point we're gonnahave the conversation about,
you know, the finances. Mm-hmm. We're gonna have the
conversation about the healthdecisions. Mm-hmm .
, we're gonnahave the conver conversation
about again, end of life careYeah . For both mom and dad.

(39:48):
Yeah . I'll bring what I can tothe table for mom. You'll bring
what you can for mom. I'llbring what I can for dad.
You'll bring what you can fordad. So it's, it's a , it's,
it's just bringing yourabsolute best to the table
because mom and dad broughttheir absolute best that they
could for you. That's so good .
Good . And raising and rearing.
So, so to me that's kind of ,it's, it's not cookie cutter,

(40:08):
but how do you do it? You , youlook at you, you look at
whatever the village, everybodybrings their best from the
village and

Anitra (40:16):
I love it . Do what we

Andre (40:17):
Can. And

Anitra (40:18):
I would just add, play to your strengths too. You know
, like be clear, Andre isdefinitely more parent coach
oriented. I'm definitely morecoach advisor oriented and
mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm . I have no
problem calling in for backup.
When , when we made thedecision and I say we, we made
it and he and I made thedecision to relocate our mom.
No , we did .

Andre (40:35):
We did. Yeah .

Anitra (40:36):
I had been kind of seeing some things, was
worried, was thinking about herliving by herself. And so, but
I'm much more, you know, mynature is more advisory.

Andre (40:46):
So I remember what it was is like you kept wanting to
say no , just let's just seehow she does. Let's just see
how she does. And I was like,no we Finn take her to this
park . Nope . We finna sit herdown And we been tell her what
you gonna do . Right .
Exactly what we did. And that's

Anitra (40:59):
My point.

Andre (41:00):
Yeah. We did like, no Nikki , Nikki be like, no mom,
you can make it there. You allright. You'll let us know when
you wanna know. I'll like , nah, you ready now

Anitra (41:07):
I'm telling I was you ready Now I was an advisor. I
was like, you're gonna have toget a dog an alarm. You need to
get a gun. We're gonna have,you know, I'm going through all
the advisory things and that'smy point is play to your
strengths. My brother has noproblem when it comes to our
parents and just saying No,this is what it is. I'm gonna
rip the bandaid off and youguys are gonna deal. And so I
knew to call him. I knew, I waslike, Hey, we gotta figure this

(41:28):
out cuz Yeah . If you're seeingwhat I'm seeing, it's an issue.
And I think that's the thingabout when you're getting to
these, you know,

Andre (41:34):
Life support decisions .
I'm gonna tell , I'm gonna tellyou . Yeah . I'm gonna tell you
something. This is how you knowit's time to parent your child.
And I know I'm getting ahead ofmyself because the things you
knew mom knew not to tell me.

Anitra (41:46):
Right. She wasn't telling you at all.

Andre (41:48):
She knew not to tell me.
Cause when you were saying someof the things I was like, what,
what

Anitra (41:55):
This is happening. And you noticed

Andre (41:59):
No .

Anitra (42:00):
Was like intervention.

Andre (42:02):
Intervention. Nothing .
I was grabbing my belt. this sin . Yeah . She knew not
to tell me the stuff she toldyou but boy look here ,
look here . and theonly thing Go ahead Karen .
Tell it's funny. Boy listen cuzyou know mom's a snitch. Right.

(42:22):
. I love the fact thatyou snitched on her.

Anitra (42:27):
Oh ,

Andre (42:27):
I love it. I love it. I know . Cause I know there were
a couple times thatconversation she looked at you
like, did you really tell himthat?

Anitra (42:35):
Oh, it was a whole thing. It was kinda like, I ,
like , I can't believe. Andthen we , we had that silent,
you know, car ride back homeafter the intervention meeting.
So quiet . She just didn't, andyou know, she talked , so for
her not talking . Right. And I'm kind of driving,
going, so what do you want fordinner?

Andre (42:52):
? She just , I dunno . Holding back to tears.
Like she got reprimanded.

Anitra (42:59):
Whatever you want is fine.

Andre (43:02):
She's looking at you like, I hate that woman. I hate
that .

Anitra (43:06):
Just like when we were kids. I hate her

Andre (43:09):
Mum . She straight to her room . Hate , hate
. Yeah. Cause she got it thatday, boy. Oh God , you got it
that day. Boy, you , you have

Anitra (43:19):
To though . You have to. And even if you don't have
siblings, that's a cousin.
That's a best friend, that's apastor, you know, extended
person that can help you, youknow, push through it because
yeah. At once you are movinginto that space of parenting,
you know, coaching, advising,caregiving. Mm-hmm .
, once they'rewith you, there's gonna be lots
of things. And like my brothersaid, it's not cookie cutter,

(43:41):
but um, it's, it's definitelysomething that you, you know,
you , you just, you know, workthrough. So lean towards your
strength. Call for backup.
Okay. Are we ready to jump intothe transformational
perspective?

Andre (43:53):
Yeah. Transformational perspective. That, that
counterpoint boy . So ,so we , we are talking about,
you know, all the things that,that kind of point out the
readiness to begin to parentyour parent. But the
counterpoint is not every childis meant to parent or take care
of their parent . And , and andI and I have seen that in real
time . I'm looking at some 40or 50 year olds and I'm saying,

(44:15):
yeah, you should have grown outof that. Like Right . You know,
why you , we ain't got lifetogether right now. Like, I
don't understand how you can'teven take care of yourself. I
feel bad for your parents. Sonow there's definitely, there's
this, this evaluation that hasbecause yeah, there , there are
some children that they aredefinitely not meant to parent

(44:39):
their parent. That's, they needto be picking up brochures to a
really nice senior citizencommunity. Like really .

Anitra (44:48):
And they work on their own thing

Andre (44:49):
And then work just , just come on man ,

Anitra (44:52):
Work on yourself .

Andre (44:55):
Absolutely.

Anitra (44:56):
No, it's so true. It's like, you know, if you know
you're still working on you usewisdom and don't, don't try to
add add that to your situation.
I also think there's somewisdom in, you know, if you
don't, I mean this is thereality. I'm just gonna say it.
Some parents and children justdon't get along. They just do

(45:16):
not have the same value system.
They are worlds apart in termsof just how things flow. And I
think there's wisdom in saying,hey, I am going to help but I
am not going to try to takethis on. Right. Uh , cuz we
don't vibe and I mean we canall think of exam and I can
think of a couple of ourcousins where yeah, they got,

(45:37):
they grew up moved out and theyjust know I'm not supposed to
really come back. We love eachother at a distance mm-hmm .
and that's okay.
Mm-hmm . . Andso, you know, really de
discerning if that's where youare, can be a good thing. And a
lot of times the parents knowit too. So they'll also won't
choose it or won't won't think,oh yeah, I'm gonna go stay with
Nikki . You know, we just havedifferent value . We have
different lifestyles and that'sbeen proven over decades and

(45:59):
that's okay. Mm-hmm . Um, andthen the last thing I wanna
say, and this is something thatour mom had to really help me
understand, which I don't know,I think you have a , a really
good handle on it, but reallyalso determining your capacity.
Yeah . I'm not talking aboutfinancially. Right. Right . And
I'm not talking about the factthat maybe you can't take care
of yourself. Right. Right . Oreven difference in values. But
if you know that at least inthis particular season of your

(46:22):
life that you don't have themental emotional stamina that's
it's , or capacity. That's it .
That literally you trying totake care of this parent or
these parents in this season isactually going to deplete you,
then you're not gonna be ableto do it. And three people are
gonna get lost. Mm-hmm .
or two people aregonna get lost. Mm-hmm.
. And I thinkthat's really tough because we
live in a society , um, wherewe are. You know, and that's

(46:46):
the reason why parentssometimes feel like they're a
burden and they try to figureout how to not be, even if
they're not, they can feel likethat. Or even you as the child
can sometimes feel like, Idon't know if I can do this.
And if you don't have theemotional capacity or the
mental capacity, you gotta beforthright about that and just
say, Hey , absolutely do rightnow I've gotta support you in a

(47:06):
different way. Right. Becauseme doing this is gonna take me
out. And I, I didn't realizehow much that was happening to
our mom, even though she washonored to do, you know, take
care of our parents and or mygrandparents until their death.
Um, it, it was a lot and Ithink it's a lot for anybody,
but when you don't have thecapacity, be truthful and a ,
you know, find solutions, youknow, to, to do that. So any

(47:29):
thoughts on that? And then thebottom line,

Andre (47:31):
No, that actually connects us right to the bottom
line because knowing yourcapacity is what's most
important. Now, if you'reblessed to have a sibling,
knowing your capacity does notmean that you're deficient or
can't do it because that'sgood. Even though mom is with
you, you still have a capacitythreshold. Yes. And where your

(47:51):
capacity ends, you know,Andre's capacity steps right.
In and fulfilled. Percentpercent . So that's one of the
beautiful things about having asibling is, is everybody knows
what they can do. And I know wealready talked about it, but
that it's still true to formand it's connected to knowing
what you can handle and whereyou stop. And being able to
make the call . Be like, Hey,your mama your mother come get

(48:12):
her .

Anitra (48:12):
Get your mama

Andre (48:13):
, come get your mother. I can't come get your
mother. Listen, come get yourpots . Come get your mother.
And , and and , and it can getto that point where I don't
even question, I just Oh, okay.
Yes. Put her on a train.
, tell me when to pickher up too . And , and , and
here's the thing, mom alsoknows your capacity. Yeah .
Because there're gonna be timesthere, are there, I know there

(48:33):
have been times where mom isjust like, Hey, I gonna come
see you this weekend. And I'mthinking to myself, I ain't got
nothing special going. Right .
Oh , she's sick and tired ofher daughter.

Anitra (48:44):
She she's blinking her eyes through the phone.

Andre (48:46):
. Right. . She's blinking twice. Oh ,
okay . Yeah. Just tell me whento pick, pick you up ,
just tell me when to pick youup. Absolutely. So to me that
that's also the bottom line.
And knowing your capacity, youalso know when to ask for help
. Cuz it really does take avillage, a family village to

(49:07):
raise the matriarch, thepatriarch of the family. That's
good. Um, in order to make surethat they, again, that end of
life is as great as itabsolutely can be for them.
Yeah.

Anitra (49:17):
Yeah . And, and everyone has something to
contribute. I love that. Thelast thing I wrote here before
we get to our quick shot isthat, you know, I thought about
that scripture , um, you know,honor thy father and that
mother. Cuz I , I kept thinkingfor some of us , uh, you know,
the , the relationship isstrained and you're just
thinking, I don't have a reasonto want to even consider or be
a part of this, you know, thatseason. And one of the things

(49:39):
that , um, one of my therapistsalways said is, he says ,
sometimes you honor yourparents simply for their dna .
N yeah. Because if you didn'thave that, you wouldn't be
here. Right. That , sosometimes you're healing
through all the other stuffthat they did or didn't do.
Just honor them for the d n athat allowed you to have life.
So now you can do it better.
Right. Right. Because if itweren't for them, you wouldn't

(50:00):
even be here. And so, you know,sometimes to get to that bottom
line is knowing that you canask for help everyone
contributes and find even thatnugget of honor. I think that
helped kind of pushed youthrough it. So that's been
good. I love it . Ready for thequick shot?

Andre (50:14):
Yeah. Let's, let's, I'm ready for the Quick shop . Mine
did not come from Twitter didnot come from any social media
whatsoever. It came from theside table, the , the , the
bills table of my home. Iremember last time mom was
here, she was looking at mythermostat. She said, how does
it work? I said, well, theinstructions are in that
envelope. Uh, that, that's,that has SDG and e San Diego

(50:36):
Gas and Electric, but theinstructions are only written
for the one that pays thatbill. And she said, I'll sit
down . I , I was like, yeah,that's right, . That's
right. That's

Anitra (50:47):
A special language.

Andre (50:49):
That's right. Right. She don't, if you don't pay, pay
the bills , it , you're not theparent . If you don't , if you
don't pay the bills, you'renot, the parent

Anitra (50:57):
Don't have Feels so good. It ,

Andre (50:59):
So , Alyssa , lemme tell you something. Oh, I got more.
I got more. I was like , Heymom, you want , you wanna watch
this movie? Like, yeah. Shecame on . I said, Hey, grab
that remote right there. Bringit to me. . So
she and she

Anitra (51:12):
Was like , I will not,

Andre (51:13):
No , no . Not Nikki .
Nikki . It , it was in an armlength away from me. It don't
matter . Why

Anitra (51:19):
Would you , your eyes are just glistening. You're

Andre (51:21):
Smiling , uh, uh, what you want to eat? Oh , you know,
can we, let's get somethingfrom that restaurant. We passed
. I said , you got somerestaurant money? That part .
No, no. I asked you what youwant to eat. I meant go look in
the refrigerator. ,tell me about fish you wanna
eat. Right . Right.

Anitra (51:37):
Get that carrot . Right .

Andre (51:38):
Right . So tho those , those were , those were good
moments. Those are greatmoments for me. Funny

Anitra (51:44):
. I love it.
All right . Well, so when I waskind of unpacking the quick
shot , I said I'll stay in thevein of, of cues that our
parents , um, are in need of.
And we'll go with kind of thethree phases. Is this a
situation where they needparenting? Is this a situation
where they need coaching? Okay. Okay . Or is this a situation
where they need advisement? Oh

Andre (52:05):
Lord. Okay .

Anitra (52:06):
Okay. And so, so I'm gonna throw a couple of
scenarios and you candetermine, you know, if you
think it's one of the three ofthose. All right . So first
one, when your parents forgetthat they are watching rated or
tv mature content in front oftheir grandkids.

Andre (52:21):
Oh, Jesus. .

Anitra (52:22):
These are real life scenarios.

Andre (52:23):
These are real life scenarios. . They need
parenting. That's parentingright there. Cause listen. Oh ,
the way Nana has shaped mynephew's mind and life. Oh , it
is scary sometimes. You know ,that's, that is absolutely
parenting. That's like, don't .
Mm-hmm .

Anitra (52:42):
M and they have that moment. They're like, wait, how
old are you again ?

Andre (52:45):
And you're like , doesn't matter. Right ?

Anitra (52:47):
That's Game of Thrones . That of Thrones .

Andre (52:55):
Cinema . Cinema. That , that's the blush. It says Cax .
It says Cax . No. . No.

Anitra (53:03):
Oh , okay . Here's another one. When your parents
have had several fender beersin one month, maybe they ran up
on the curb, hit the side ofthe house, and they refuse to
surrender the car keys.
.

Andre (53:16):
Mm-hmm . .
That's , uh, that's advising.
Okay . And that advisement is,I advise you not to drive ever
again. . That's, that'sadvisement. Uh ,

Anitra (53:24):
No , that's parenting .
I'm like giving them keys. Keys. . It's a wrap . I'm
finna call What , what's thename of that service? The, the
elderly service that takes youeverywhere. Lord . That
white bus you get on you Finnto get on that little white
minivan and schedule your,

Andre (53:42):
Schedule your outings.

Anitra (53:43):
Listen, you no Grandpa, he hit the side of the house so
many times. Oh my . And he ranup on the curb

Andre (53:49):
.

Anitra (53:50):
I said, mom, you didn't get his keys. She was like, no,

Andre (53:53):
. Yeah .

Anitra (53:55):
All right . Um, when your parents are living with
you and you're the adult childand they ate the last of your
favorite food item, like, youknow, drink the last of the
soda, ate the last of your fathey know it's your favorite
and they finished it.

Andre (54:09):
That's a phase that I'm gonna call foster care. Cuz
it's time for you to livesomeplace else . .
Listen . Listen.

Anitra (54:18):
Adoption.

Andre (54:20):
Listen, listen. That's that face , that's that .

Anitra (54:27):
I remember Dad used to be on fire.

Andre (54:29):
Oh

Anitra (54:29):
My God . When we would drink his soda or we would eat
his nutter butter, his lastsomething.

Andre (54:34):
Oh man. He

Anitra (54:35):
Be , I mean, oh fire.
He'd be going up and they atethat . And that's why I can't
have enough of . I'dhear him upstairs fussing with
mom . Cause she would be like,the food is for everyone. No
going up . that food ismine . You'd be like, father.

Andre (54:53):
Yeah .

Anitra (54:53):
We'll , we'll bleep the cursing out. .

Andre (54:56):
Oh my goodness.

Anitra (54:57):
Yeah . All right . Um , another one, when your living
parents only watch one or twoTV programs, but they will only
watch it on the main family tv.

Andre (55:08):
Oh my gosh. That's

Anitra (55:10):
Like they have a TV in their room.

Andre (55:12):
Yeah. Oh man. .
Oh Jesus. I may have to pullfrom every phase to get to work
through this issue. .
Cause

Anitra (55:23):
Gun smoke . You know what , what is , what? A
grandma used to watch the soapsand you'd

Andre (55:28):
Be like that . Uh , I nobody wants to watch that.
That's parenting. Cuz I gottaremind them I pay the cable
bill. That's a little bit ofcoaching. Cuz I gotta remind
them that this my house and youhave a TV in your room. And
that's a little bit ofadvisement because it's like,
now I'm warning you, I don'twanna have to talk about this
again. , I don't haveto talk about, I don't wanna
have to have this conversationagain. So I'm advising you to

(55:51):
hear what thus say at the Lordin the two first phases.

Anitra (55:56):
That's for your survival. . Right

Andre (55:59):
Lord Jesus.

Anitra (56:00):
All right . Let's do maybe one or two more. Okay. Oh
, this one. Oh God. When yourparents are offended at your
recommendation that they airquotes , try to use the
bathroom before leaving anylocation who they
offended. Do you mean

Andre (56:19):
That's to me that's, that's coaching . Like that's
coaching . Because ,they're not gonna allow me to
parrot them there. Right, right. . Cause the , the at
end of life, the last thing youcan control is your bladder.
Once that goes , it's over. Sothey gonna try to exercise
control. I'm not finna fightthem . I'm not finna get in

(56:40):
that power struggle. So that'scoaching. That's gonna be like,
listen , you know what happenedlast time's gonna together.

Anitra (56:46):
, let's all go together. ,

Andre (56:49):
Come on , we can do this. We can do this every,

Anitra (56:52):
Every location, every location. Be like where's the
restroom? When we walk in, inor you

Andre (56:56):
Know, and I , it might be a little advisement because
list I'm only gonna coach. Butso far after that I'm be like,
use the bathroom or wear these.
Depends . And I'm gonna holdthem in the package . ,
I'm show the package , use thebathroom or wear these. Depends
like this is , cause what's notgonna happen is I'm not gonna
stop. Yeah . Cause ruin my ,I'm not gonna

Anitra (57:15):
Stop what you're not gonna do . You're not finna
ruin the car would not stop . Ilove it. And you cough too much
not to have some water. SoRight , right ,

Andre (57:23):
Right. .

Anitra (57:27):
Absolutely. Okay .
Alright . Maybe two more. Uh ,let's see. Oh this is good.
When the grandchildren start tosnitch on the grandparents
example, the grandpa that buysanother set of tools that he's
been forbidden from buying.

Andre (57:45):
That's parent .

Anitra (57:46):
But keep in mind that's our parent. That's our parent.

Andre (57:48):
That's our parent with our kids. . That ,
that's parenting cause Yeah.
That told you not to buy that . I told you. Yeah.

Anitra (57:58):
Listen, I'll taking you allowance. I think that's what
I think that's what our parentshas lost , lost their edge. Cuz
I never snitched on grandpawhen he was stopping getting
McDonald's and junk food and heknow he wasn't supposed to have
it because he was like, youwant something ? I'm like, you
know, I do. So right . It's oursecret. Ain't nobody this dies
with me. . It's like ,ain't nobody gonna know .

Andre (58:17):
Listen , by you biting in this chicken nugget, you are
entering into a contract, anunspoken contract. You keep
your mouth closed. I'll keepyour mouth full

Speaker 3 (58:26):
.

Anitra (58:28):
All right , this will be the last one. And I, again,
let me not just, just, we'veall been there. I think as your
parents get older, when yourparents air quotes, forget to
take a shower or change theoutfit that they've worn, you
know, maybe two or three daysin a row. You haven't, if you
haven't experienced it, trustme,

Andre (58:49):
I I'm gonna say that's advisement. And, and this is
the reason why I don't wanna betoo involved in that process.

Speaker 3 (58:56):
.

Andre (58:57):
So I'm gonna stay in the advisement process. See ,
there's the reason , if I domore, if I do more than advise,
I'm gonna move to coach. And ifI have to do more than coach
and I'm gonna move toparenting, and uh ,

Anitra (59:09):
I don't wanna help

Andre (59:09):
You clean your butt . I wanna help . I wanna
help . So I'm gonna stay inadvisement in this one .
Listen,

Anitra (59:16):
Oh

Andre (59:16):
God . When I start to wear this gas mask around the
house, , when I startto talk to you on only through
text. Oh God . Yeah. That's ,

Anitra (59:28):
And listen, to be fair, we already talked about getting
ready for bed versus going tobed. I know that sometimes
those things are challenging,but I have had full on
conversation where I was like ,and you know, I've got a , you
know, a middle school boy,which y'all know, middle
school, they're , they still,they're getting into the
stinkiness cuz their bodies arechanging and they still don't
quite want to , you know,practice hygiene. So I was

(59:50):
like, I don't have the patiencefor both of y'all.

Andre (59:52):
Both of y'all can't stay . You gotta take turns, Nana,
Monday, Wednesday, MalachiThursday, Friday ,

Anitra (01:00:01):
Y'all gonna get in this tub and baptize you booty . But

Andre (01:00:04):
At least three times a week y'all gonna shower
Tuesday, Saturday, and Sundayyou better shower on the Lord's
Day .

Anitra (01:00:12):
Love it. So, all right . I know we're running a little
logs of bro , what you have forthe final blow.

Andre (01:00:19):
It , it , it's so interesting and it's just the
way this conversation goes ,uh, that we've used that word
honor so many times and we knowit to kind of stem from what
we've, you know, read in theBible that , uh, Exodus, peace
, honor thy mother and father,that the days that your days
may be long in the land thatGod is giving you. The funny
thing about honor, right, ishonor looks at the entire span

(01:00:43):
of the experience, theencounter, the relationship
with our parents. So were yourparents, you know , were our
parents, were your parents?
Perfect. Absolutely not. Butwhat honor does is look at the
entire expansion of the lifeand simply be able to say, was
God able to work through thisperson, mother, this person,

(01:01:04):
father, and make me better?
Right? It's that cuz it's , itwas never about their
perfection. Dad was notperfect. But am I better having
had him as my father? Yes, momis not perfect, but am I better
having had her as my mother?
Yes. That is why I honor.
Because their existence in mylife made me better. So then

(01:01:25):
when I even look at what God issaying there , honor your
mother and your father. Why?
Because they made you better.
And watch this, your days willbe long in the land I'm giving
you now I , I I need , I wannamake sure that, that, that
makes sense. Your days will belong in the land. God is giving
you not that he has given you.

(01:01:46):
Because if all I do is look atmy parents as a memorial, then
I might not be able to honorthem. But if I look at my
parents as a progression of whothey are through me and what
greatness they brought out ofme, that's the, is. So honoring
our parents is a forwardthinking thing. Therefore, this
end of life cycle, this momentwhere we say now the child

(01:02:09):
becomes the parent, it's alsogotta be a forward thinking.
Remember we talked a lot aboutthe mindset, the forward
thinking, honor, honoring ourparents is forward thinking. It
wasn't about perfection. It wasabout you really brought out
what did you produce, what didGod allow you to produce in me

(01:02:29):
as a result of my experience inyou? So I wanna just kind of
sketch out of , uh, 30 secondsfor those who may be looking at
your parents and saying, but mymom wasn't there. My dad wasn't
there. My mom used drugs. Mydad was had uh, spent time in
prison. How do , how do I honorthat? My, my resolve, my answer

(01:02:50):
to you is, is did God allow youto forgive them? Then that's
how it made you better. Did Godallow you to look at your life
and say, I'm not going to gothat route? Then that's what
made you better. Did God allowyou to become a better parent
because of what your experiencewas with them? Then that's what
allowed you to be better. Whichmeans you still have room to

(01:03:11):
find honor in them , find lovefor them, find peace in that
relationship, find forgivenessso that you can be better.
Because at some point at that,at that cycle comes full
circle, who you allowedyourself to be in . Hopefully
it's better and not bitter,will then allow a better

(01:03:33):
relationship with who yourchild is going to be when you
are going to need to beparented as well. So honor is
such a forward progressioncycle that we gotta do it
regardless of how imperfect ourparents work , still honor
them, still absolutely honorthem because your days, your
days to come and the placeswhere God is gonna put you,

(01:03:56):
they're gonna be blessed whenyou give honor , uh, to your
parents no matter what. Andthen that's, that would
definitely be my, my finalthought here, hopefully in the
conversation. That is , uh,honor your parents, honor your
parents.

Anitra (01:04:10):
I love it. Wonderful.
Final blow. So with that, we'vecome to the end of the episode.
As always, we thank you guys somuch for joining us. Please
help us build the Savagesiblings community like share,
comment, rate , subscribe all

Andre (01:04:25):
That, send

Anitra (01:04:26):
The this to your favorite Savage sibling.
Perhaps you have a , because Itold you told moment
that you wanna share regardingyour parents. Or maybe you have
thoughts on when you knowchildren become the parents
that you wanna share or maybethere's an episode topic you
think we should tackle. Sharethat with us. Let us know. We
are interested in hearing ,hearing from you. Huge shout
out to our amazing team ofpeople that make all this

(01:04:48):
possible. Yeah, DwayneMcLendon, Kyle Davis, our sound
editors and post-productionsupervisors. Ronnie Maxwell of
Maxwell Maxwell. Music . Music.
Our music producer, Keith Crossof Kross Photography for all
the amazing photos . And hugeshout out to my niece Daniela,
designing our website and justso many other people that have

(01:05:09):
just been encouraging us andpushing us forward. And of
course we honor our parents,Jean and Dolores Evans for your
DNA and all the funny lifelessons that we get to the
Parentals split here . . And of course, last but not
least, the listeners. So gladyou're always here. Please go
and have a wonderful day. Andremember, don't go through life
alone. We'll see you next time.