Get In Where You Fit In ~ Part Two

Welcome to part two of Get in Where You Fit In.   This episode emphasizes the importance of enjoying who you are and what you’re doing to be your authentic self.  Andre and Anitra evaluate examples of unique people who refuse to conform to the norm, but have the confidence to embrace their individuality. This episode analyzes the need to be appreciated in our partnerships and relationships and how that appreciation can lead to positive self-awareness and personal identity. Dre unpacks how the position of the older sibling has inherent expectations that limit choice and can create frustration and Anitra speaks from the perspective of the younger sibling and the difference between “have to” versus “get to.”  

If you wonder why you didn’t feel like you belonged to your family, you will relate to this episode.  If you wondered how your family felt overwhelmed with family expectations, take a listen.  The Savage Siblings reflect on the difference between being needed and belonging to the family. Understanding these dynamics creates safe strategies to meet the needs of your family and partners in a healthy way.  This episode gives the listeners an opportunity to evaluate their relational value, which should create a healthy situation where you belong.

Memorable quotes:
Don’t dilute your relational value by morphing everywhere you go. ~ Andre
Understand who you are, but be flexible to protect your independence and help others when necessary. ~ Anitra
Don’t show vulnerability trying to protect your independence. ~ Anitra
Give the gift of vulnerability, and don’t let pride keep you from achieving your authentic self. ~ Anitra
You can kill a relationship by being extreme on either need or independence. ~ Anitra
Being needy has an expiration date, don’t set yourself up for failure. ~ Anitra
Grow when you are in a situation where you belong. ~ Andre
Belonging is intentional, needing is temporal. ~ Andre
You don’t find success, drive, passion alone. ~ Andre
Belonging means the picture is bigger than me. ~ Andre

Keywords: 

#MentalHealth, #therapy,  #psychotherapy, #relationships, #psychology, #healing, #counseling, #ministry, #theology, #transformation, #change, #counselor, #therapist, #wholeness, #healthy, #health, #lifestyle, #mental, #emotions, #emotional, #spiritual, #minister, #christianliving, #christian, #wellness, #lifecoach, #forgiveness, #SavageSibling, #Savage, #Sibling,  #Brother, #Sister, #Family, #Parent, #S2Mediaworks, #SavageSiblingsPodcast, #Mytribe, #Beingauthentic, #Belongingvsneeding, #GetIn, #FitIn, #SeekingtoBelong, #Transitiontoindependence, #Passingonthemantle, #RelationalValue, #Diversesyndrome, #SelfAwareness, #Beyourself, #IntentionalBelonging,

Call to Action: 

• Post comments! Leave us a review!
• Share your thoughts on the need to be needed versus the belonging.  What’s it like to be the middle child?
• Any topics you want us to discuss?

Sound Editors: Kyle Davis and Dwayne McClendon
Music: Maxwell Music
Photography: K.Cross Photography

Brutally Honest. Relentlessly Transparent. Unapologetically Authentic.

Episode Transcript

Anitra (00:30):
Hey, hey, beautiful people. How are we doing? I am
Anitra n Lawson storyteller,producer, educator, content
creator. He's Dr. Andre Evans,pastor, father theologian,
author, the original SavageSibling . We are the
Savage Siblings , and this isthe Savage Siblings Podcast,

(00:51):
where we are brutally honest ,relentlessly transparent, and
unapologetic authentic. So gladyou guys are rocking with us
for another episode. Hey,welcome back. Right? Welcome
back to part two of Get InWhere You Fit In. Now, we've
been unpacking the importanceof understanding and actually

(01:12):
walking in our authentic self,the catalyst for understanding
that process is often connectedto evaluating the need to be
needed. Now, you guys know, ashuman beings, there's a part of
us that naturally would , wewanna feel needed, it's just
kind of germane to who we areas human beings. And so this is
what we've been dissecting inpart one of getting where you

(01:34):
fit in. There's also adifference between the need to
be needed and belonging. And sowe delve into that as well. So
this is part two. So you knowwhat that means. If you didn't
listen to part one, you gottapause right here. Go back and
listen to part one so you cancatch up on the importance of
enjoying who you are and whatyou're doing to be your

(01:55):
authentic self. We talk aboutindividuality and how you can
filter that throughunderstanding when you belong
and when you just wanna beneeded. So we laid a lot of
foundation, you guys in partone. You gotta go back and
listen, but if you are all cutup and you're ready for part
two of getting where you fit in, then let's do that. Let's go
ahead and get in where we fitin . Are you guys ready to get

(02:18):
savage? Okay, good. Let's getsavage .

Andre (02:25):
It seems so , so for me, because

Anitra (02:27):
I am

Andre (02:28):
Probably more independent than you're at
least minded Sure . Mm-hmm .
, um, for me, Ihad a different verses that I
had to balance, and my, myverse was hundred percent
psychological. Yeah . So forme, it , it was , um, there's a
term we used in psychologycalled a , uh, the , the , the
root word . Be an agent. LikeI'm ,

Anitra (02:50):
I'm

Andre (02:50):
An agent of my own success. I'm an agent of my own
kind of world construct. So ,so one is age , so I'm very
self-focused. So the processesI enter into are, are about
this kind of successfulcompetition with myself or this
good , yeah . This kind ofunspoken competition with
others so that I can kind ofdemonstrate my own

(03:12):
effectiveness in life. That's ,that's me . Mm-hmm . Learning
myself, and I'm learningmyself. Mm-hmm .
learning , uh, my own beauty,so that I can understand to, I
can understand when I see aplace where I fit in, I see a
place mm-hmm . where I belong. Mm-hmm . And
because what I'm trying toavoid when I'm mag agentic like

(03:33):
that is I'm trying to avoidbeing needed . So me being an
introvert, a recluse, megrowing up, learning rejection
before I learn acceptance andlearn how to belong, I'm coming
from the opposite endpsychologically, where I'm
saying I don't want anybody toneed me. I , I had enough of
that growing up being needed.

(03:55):
Mm-hmm . mm-hmm .
. Um , so now I'msetting up my life. I'm an
agent of my own success andeffectiveness. So I'm, I'm
competitive. If I'mcompetitive, then what I'm
showing you is , is you can'tneed me. You trying to beat me
. I'm trying to beat you . SoI'm , I'm setting up . And it's
, you know , it's not a , uh,unruly, it's what I would
consider , consider a healthycompetitiveness. So it's, yeah

(04:17):
. Mm-hmm . It's like, you know,the, the, the, you know, every
time Kobe stepped on the court,he was trying to kill you , but
after the game, he was huggingyou , he was dapping you up.
Mm-hmm . He was showing younothing but love . And and
that's because it was a healthycompetitiveness, right? Yeah .
So, so for me, it was aself-reliance achievement day
after day, milestone aftermilestone. However, I don't

(04:41):
understand belonging unless Ido both sides. So here's my,
here's my verse . One isagentic , where I'm just
focused on myself. The other iscommunal. Yeah . And so, the
other being communal mean isthat I'm other focused . And so
now I , I recognize that if I'mgonna understand a sense of
belonging mm-hmm .

(05:02):
, I have torecognize others have needs
that I gotta be able to meet .
So that's good . I'm , I'mincluding my capacity to give
now my capacity to nurture mycapacity to love. I'm including
my capacity to beself-sacrificing and to be
compassionate . Mm-hmm .
, if I can't doboth , I'll never belong. I

(05:26):
don't care. I I'll , andwhat'll happen is, is I'll go
to spaces where I'm needed, butI don't belong. Yeah . That's
good. That's good. Yeah . So I, I , I have to balance both.
'cause I don't wanna put myselfin a situation where I'm saying
, yeah, I'm a recluse. I'm is ,I'm an introvert, but even
introverts say, but cansomebody talk to me? A hundred

(05:46):
percent You need it . Yeah .
Mm-hmm . So , so , so if I'm ,if I don't learn how to balance
my verses psychologically, ifyou don't learn how to balance
your particular verses , right? Mm-hmm . ,
, we're nevergonna get a sense of belonging
because people are gonna seeone of two sides. They're ,
they're gonna see the one sidewhere you're all about self.
Yeah . And, and whether for mycase, it's, I give this

(06:08):
standoffish , uh, vibe or in ,and , and what you described ,
you give this, I don't reallywanna show you my life. I don't
wanna share with you my life.
Yeah . Yeah . Then people willsay, okay, well cool, since you
are , are giving this vibe thatyou're pushing us away.

Speaker 3 (06:22):
Yes, yes.

Andre (06:23):
Mm-hmm . , then be by yourself. But , but
, but in that, but admit , butin that situation, we, the ones
who were ashamed , or the oneswho were standoffish, we're the
ones that feel depressed. We'rethe ones that feel anxiety. It
hurts us. We're the ones thatfeel hurt. And it's because you
didn't balance the two. And youreally do have to balance too ,

(06:44):
because the flip side is, is if, if I overshare, like I'll be
honest with you, I , I rememberyour bachelorette. I do. And I
remember the love I felt in it.
Maybe 'cause we're family, butI still felt it. Right. Yeah .
Well, I , if I , I've had afriend who stayed in a
bachelorette, was alwaysashamed. Always. So when I
mm-hmm . When he finally didlet me over that shame is all I

(07:06):
felt. Hmm . That's good. And soI'm saying to myself, well , I
don't wanna feel this. So Isaid, I won't come , so I'm not
coming back. I'm not comingback. Yeah . Yeah . That's ,
and di and I didn't care thatwhat, that, even though he kept
expressing shame underlyingthat mm-hmm . Was still a , a
very quiet voice saying , butthanks for coming over. But the

(07:27):
shame was overpowering

Speaker 3 (07:29):
Was overpowering.

Andre (07:30):
And I got to the point where I didn't care that he
wanted me to come over. Ididn't feel like dealing with
what he felt about his ownself. That's so good. Right .
Yeah . Right. And that's why Idon't like need , I don't like
needy people. But what I ,there's a underlying
conversation that needy peopleare giving you, which is mm-hmm
. , I just wannafeel needed . Well, I don't

(07:51):
care because you , your vibe istoo needy. Too needy. Right.
It's overpowering. Yeah.
Balance yourself, balanceyourself, balance your verses
whatever your verse is ,balance it . Mm-hmm . Balance
it . Mm-hmm . Don't , you know, it's , it's , it's , you
cannot be either or. Youactually have to be both. You
have to be one part self, onepart others. You act you have

(08:15):
to be, that's the only way youget a sense of belonging.
Because people wanna know thatyou feel like you belong to
them and they belong to you .
People wanna know that yourworld isn't gonna die if
they're not around you. Mm-hmm. They wanna know. You can
still make it. So you gottabalance those two . Um , I
think it's there where youlearn to fit in . That's the

(08:37):
only way you , you learn to fitin you . That's the only way
you, you learn to fit in , um,uh, any other way. And you're
just trying to mimic whatsomebody else is doing in the
environment you wanna be a partof . And that's not , that's
not healthy as well . That ,that actually decreases your
value in , in that scenario orthat situation. Um, and, and

(08:58):
so, you know, once you canlearn to fit in, now you gotta
kind of start to identify, youknow, those indicators that you
actually are a good fit. Youbelong . Yeah . That's good .
In the relationship. And, and I, I think for me , I'll , I'll
say this and I'll kick it backto you. I think when I can
balance my verses then when I'min those spaces where I know I

(09:20):
belong, I know I'm a good fitbecause I can show up as my
full self and live out, youknow, what I find valuable and
nobody judges, nobodyostracize. Nobody says that
don't work here. You know, whenI'm in that space, I feel like
I'm actually expanding what Ibring to the table. Expanding.
That's good . My , my skillset. If you'll expanding my

(09:43):
perspective, expanding myexpertise, expanding who I'm ,
uh, in any particularorganizational culture, when I
feel like I can do that, Ishould feel that on my job.
That's how I feel like I belongin my job. Mm-hmm . I should
feel that in my family. And Ifeel like I belong in my family
. I should feel that in my, inmy relation, my intimate
relationship. And that's how Iknow I belong. I should feel

(10:04):
that with my children as theirfather. That's how I know I
belong. You know, there, thereare a lot of, you know, and,
you know, one of my greatestpassions is bringing , uh,
fathers, not husbands, butfathers , uh, in their
daughter's lives . Like, that'shuge for me . That's good .
Right . That's good. And , andthat is, that , that's , uh,

(10:27):
for, for a single father. Sowhether you're divorced or just
you and your baby mama didn'tget , didn't make it work,
whatever it might be mm-hmm .
, that cansometimes be an intimidating
task. But you belong. Sure .
You belong . Yeah , I do .
Absolutely. And I , and I'msaying daughters that have
daughters, but I don't carewhether you have a father , I
mean a daughter or a son. Youbelong. You belong . You

(10:50):
absolutely belong. And we'vegotta get to that needed .
Right. You've gotta get to thatspace where you can be who
you're with your children.
Mm-hmm . , that'sall they ever wanted. I'm , I'm
sounding like mom now, youknow, kids ain't worried about,
you know, how much money youmake that don't , they don't
even care what you live in.
Right . Right. They're justsimply saying that you're ,

(11:10):
you're my pa , you're my dad.
Mm-hmm . Please, I belong inyour life. You belong in mine.
And, and I , you know, I know Ipinpoint I stop there. But
that's, you know , everywherewhen I walk on my job, I get a
sense that I belong. I'm tiredof my job. Mm-hmm .
, I'm so ready tolead that job. Yeah . But I
still get a sense that Ibelong. But you , that's so
that's a good point . Becausethey say, they say to me ,

(11:31):
mm-hmm Andre, we're so gladyou're here. And it's not to
mail them out, it's just theyknow the value I bring, I
belong. You gotta be able tosay, that's how you know you're
a good fit when you can say ,mm-hmm . I belong. Absolutely
belong . So , but yeah . SoYeah . I'm , I'm it back to you
talking , identifying theseareas .

Anitra (11:54):
Yeah. It's, it's so good. Um, uh, man shout . I
love everything you just said.
I have to give a shout out hereto, to Pastor Tim Ross , who I
heard him articulate it thisway in terms of, you know,
giving people the gift of yourvulnerability. Got it . And I
think that's one of the, thekey indicators for, for a good
fit. Particularly when you'remaybe like me and you're
struggling to ask for help orto receive the help. And I

(12:16):
think the flip side of that is, uh, you know, just paying
attention to the opportunitiesto pay it forward. And I'll
just unpack those reallyquickly here. So when it comes
to the gift of thatvulnerability, it reminded me
of, you know , after I got intothe separation, before I moved
into divorce, and , and Burwell, you know, this story too,
that it really got to a pointwhere I knew I needed to ask

(12:37):
our mom to come and help. Now,we didn't know that it was
going to eventually move intoher fully relocating from, you
know, Ohio. Right . I rememberto California remember that .

Andre (12:45):
Yep . But

Anitra (12:45):
The first need that was there was this need of, I need
a family member. I need someoneto step in and help me and
Malachi as we start thistransition mm-hmm.
, I remember, andI absolutely did not, I
loathed, I was not everinterested, nor did I want to
call our mom and ask her couldshe come temporarily to help me

(13:09):
and Kai, you know, work throughmy commute because I was, I
started a new job. It wasdriving and, and the separation
and all those things. And so Ijust wasn't gonna do it, bro.
Bro. And this goes back toagain, that verses and I was
just like, no. And I ended uptalking to , uh, two of my good
friends, and this was what theysaid to me that really helped
me get a better perspective onit, which talks about the

(13:30):
indicators for, for a good fitin terms of that healthy giving
and relationship and needing is, uh, they said, okay, after
they listened to me say all thereasons, well, she just buried,
you know, my grandmother, she'sbeen in mourning and grief and
she's just now starting to getback out and go do things with
the church. She just emptiedout their house. Like she had

(13:51):
just spent all these la youknow, last five years taking
care of both of her parents asa single only child mm-hmm .
Through death. And I just, inmy mind in heart, I was like, I
don't know if she has thecapacity to give anything else,
and I'll not be the person toask her. Yeah .

Andre (14:08):
Yeah .

Anitra (14:08):
After going through that to come and now take on
her daughter's brokennessthrough separation and , and,
you know, future divorce andher grandson's needs, you know,
as he's just going through,unfortunately, you know, the
process of that, it just, Iwould not do it . And it took
one of my friends pulling me tothe side and she said, Anitra ,
she said, I'm just gonna askyou two questions. And it was

(14:29):
the , the second one thatreally got me, the first
question she asked was, ifMalachi were in your shoes,
Malachi's my son, what wouldyou want him to do if he were
in a position

Andre (14:42):
Wow . Where

Anitra (14:43):
He needed help, the same type of help mm-hmm .
that you neededfrom you . And it hit me .
'cause I was like , well , yeah, I would absolutely want him
to ask me. And she said, okay .
She said , that's , that's fine. She said , because I get that
you're mom . And but this wasthe follow-up question that she
said that just broke me intotears. And I still get
emotional now. She said, andhow would you feel if he never

(15:05):
asked you ? Yep ,

Speaker 4 (15:06):
Yep . If

Anitra (15:07):
If he, he just said, I can't ask her , her , I , I
can't. And I'll just go throughthis. And it just broke me
down. And that's what made mestop and make the call was
because I would never want myson to need me

Speaker 4 (15:21):
And not ,

Anitra (15:21):
And not ask for the help. And I found out, you
know, years later, days later,whatever, later that I could
have been , uh, the answer. Andso when we think about, you
know, learning where to fit inor identifying, you know, good
fits and indicators for goodfit is, that's the thing, is
you, you have the ability tosometimes be the answer or the

(15:42):
solution to what is essentialor important to someone else's
life.

Speaker 4 (15:45):
Absolutely.

Anitra (15:45):
And you, when you know that you can do that, and lemme
say this too, and it doesn'toverwhelm either party in
giving in that. 'cause itshouldn't overwhelm them to the
point to where they become, youknow, codependent, which we
probably will talk a little bitmore about, but they just
become extra needy. Right . Orcodependent. Mm-hmm .
mm-hmm .
. And itshouldn't overwhelm your hand.

(16:06):
'cause God doesn't give usstuff for us to give it to
where our hand is cut off rightnow. We can't help nobody else.
We done just gave our hand isgone. Right. So it shouldn't
overwhelm either party. But ifyou have the ability to be the
answer the solution, and thinkabout that in terms of
business. Like there are peoplewho are million, you know ,
multi-millionaires todaybecause they were what the

(16:27):
solution That's the solution .
The answer. Yeah .

Speaker 4 (16:29):
Yeah. To

Anitra (16:29):
Some, to a problem on a larger perspective. That's how
you know, you have, you know,ideally a good business concept
is you are the answer. Right.
You're the solution tosomething. And that's the idea.
But for those of us who are,you know, and it really is
pride, I'll just call it onthe, on the carpet. Like it's
pride that keeps us from givingthe gift of our vulnerability
to trusted spaces that thenreally does undercut this

(16:51):
notion of that relational needto be needed and the , the
ability to fulfill that need.
And so I had to surrender that.
And I thank God that I did, andthis is what's so amazing about
God in me asking my, our , youknow, my mom to come and help.
And her happily coming andsaying, yes, I'll be there. And
we thought it was temporary.
She made that trip, I wanna saylike maybe six months before

(17:12):
the pandemic. And she wassupposed to actually go back
home. And she lived by herselfat the time Right. As the
pandemic hit. And it, you know,God just opened the doors for
it to be a two-way blessing.
Yeah . And that's just how Godworked, right? Mm-hmm .
. But for her, itbecame an answer to some things
that she was dealing with. Andso, you know, on one end it's
give the gift of yourvulnerability so that, that

(17:33):
there can be the right fit for,you know, this exchange. Right.
That's, that's just designed tohappen in life because of who
we are . And then the flipside, in terms of paying it
forward, I'll just be raw, youguys, you know, I'm a
professor. I love my studentsand there are times when I have
to write 17 letters ofrecommendation, and they're all
due to the same couple ofcolleges and the same week span

(17:54):
time. And I'm frustrated.
'cause I want every letter tobe unique to each student. And
I'm just like, oh , I lovey'all, but I don't wanna do
this. But then I think aboutall the people

Andre (18:07):
Yeah . Who wrote

Anitra (18:07):
Letters or recommendations for me mm-hmm .
, who werereferences and referrals, who I
can call to this day to theysay to this day , I can call
them and they will still say, Igot you. Tell 'em to call me.
They'll still be a referral.
They'll still be myrecommender. They'll still
draft a letter even as I'm a ,and like, how can I not pay
that forward? Mm-hmm.

(18:28):
. Yeah . How canI not be that for someone else?
Uh, and I think that's theother piece of this equation,
is it, you know, it, it makessure that these things are not
transactional. It makes surethat they're not kind of this ,
the , this , okay, I'm gonna ,I'm gonna be the need for you,
but I'm gonna hold it over yourhead. It's like, no, think
about all the people that didthat for you and continue to
pay it forward. Mm-hmm .

(18:49):
. And I thinkthat's how you can see the
indications of good fits is,you know, that one, you get to
feel fulfilled, but you're alsojust being a blessing to
someone. You're helpingsomebody out. Uh , and you're
able to also say, Hey, I'm inneed here and I'm gonna open
myself up. I'm gonna be humblein that space and allow , uh,
you to be , uh, someprovisioned for me to be some
help for me. And as Dre alreadypointed out to it , it really

(19:10):
does emphasize belonging.
Right. It really does emphasizespaces where communities can
flow. And again, it should notoverwhelm. Yeah . The giver or
the receiver. That's the , the, a key indicator should not,
you have to be wise about whoyou know, how you give help, it
should never condemn. Right?
Right. Um, but it shouldprotect the hand, and you

(19:30):
should be able to give, becausewe can give to a fault. Right.
We can give to a fault whenwe're doing it in a way that
does create , um, you know, a ,a codependency or doesn't allow
the person to naturally,authentically grow through
receiving the gift. And sothose are things to me that
stick out for good indicationsfor you. But there's also this
notion of self-awareness,right. Um, you know, am I the

(19:51):
answer to the relational need?
And if I'm not sure about that,like how can I unpack my own
self-awareness and how I give,and I'll, I'll kick that to you
pro bro to see, you know, howdo you set up, you know, the
need to know you're aware ofwhen you should give mm-hmm .
When you're actually the answer,

Andre (20:07):
Uh , you know , to , to , so it reminds me, and I'm
gonna go theological for asecond , it reminds me mm-hmm .
Of , uh, the , the story ofDavid , uh, who mm-hmm . Where
Samuel has been, you know , uh,tasked by God to anoint the
next king , um mm-hmm.
. And, and hegoes to Jesse and , and Jesse
brings about all of his, hischildren, except for David.

(20:30):
And, and Samuel says none ofthese, like, you , you , you
got another boy. Right. AndJesse's like, well, yeah, but
he's, he's tending to the sheep,

Anitra (20:38):
Not him.

Andre (20:39):
Right . Right. It can't be him. He's , he's tending to
the sheep , like these dudeshere , like they're black belts
and karate and jitsu. Yeah .
You know , look at them .
They're tall and they lookgood. And , you know ,
it can't be him. Like, andplus, you know, the , the Bible
says David is ruddy thou thatmeans an internal ugliness. So
he's saying like, you know , no, it does . 'cause it says he's

(21:00):
beautiful with all but ruddy.
Mm-hmm . , that'swhat the Bible says. So on the
outside, he looks good, but onthe inside he ugly. So
. And so it's like, Hey ,David, David got attitude
problems. That's why he's withthe sheep. David got his , he's
working right . , he'sworking on him . And , and ,
and he , and he says , like ,and Samuel says, I'm not gonna
sit down until you, you bringDavid , he brings David and he

(21:25):
Samuel gets this notion fromGod says you , he's the one .
I'm Gary anointing . Lemme tellyou why I brought that up.
Mm-hmm. self-awareness ought to tell
you that I belong because I'mnot an option , I'm an answer.

Speaker 5 (21:40):
Ooh , there it is .

Andre (21:41):
Right? Mm-hmm .
, there's a wholelot of women that got into
relationships, not self-aware.
They found out they were anoption. Come on . And not the
answer.

Speaker 5 (21:51):
You teaching , there's

Andre (21:52):
A whole lot of people who accepted jobs mm-hmm .
instead of theirpurpose. Mm-hmm .
and their jobs showed themyou're an option. Whereas
purpose would've showed you youthe answer.

Speaker 5 (22:06):
So good .

Andre (22:06):
And so, so, so just real quickly from there, I wanna
move to an understanding thatwhen you do stuff, when you're
not self-aware, you'll forceyourself into spaces you
weren't fit for . You weren'tfit for the , the proverbial
square peg in a round hole.
Mm-hmm . . Andthat's why I kept saying
there's a difference betweenfitting in and belonging.

(22:27):
Mm-hmm . . Seewhat I'm trying to fit in,
that's an action I'm taking.

Speaker 5 (22:31):
Right.

Andre (22:32):
But when I belong, that's , it's existential. When
I belong, y'all will come getme. Mm-hmm . ,
y'all will be, you'll be the2023 Samuel . I ain't
sitting down till you go getDre . You gonna be my
next level anointed. We willnot sit down till you go get
Dre. Well , Dre Dre Dre's inthe sheep field , Dre's doing

(22:56):
something menial, Dre's doingsomething that lust most of us
don't consider valuable. Well ,when you belong, it ain't what
you're doing. That holds value.
It's who you're,

Speaker 5 (23:06):
Who you're, that

Andre (23:07):
Holds value. It's absolutely , absolutely. Who
you're, and, and when youbelong, your calling will pull
you out of the most mundane,the most. Yes. It will
indiscriminate the most just,you know, menial task that the
earth could provide. Mm-hmm .
. Mm-hmm.
. I have beenpulled outta washing toilets.
You may hear what I just said .

(23:28):
Teach , teach , teach . Youjust said it . I've been pulled
out the , the lowest rung onthe totem pole because somebody
said, we ain't gonna sit downbecause Dre belong here. I've
been pulled out of someenvironments where people said
, uh, you don't belong here,lemme pull you gear

Speaker 6 (23:49):
Here. That's good.

Andre (23:51):
And I didn't have to say a word. I didn't have to. And
that's the thing aboutbelonging versus fitting in,
fitting in. I gotta give you myresume. I gotta give you , I
gotta give, I gotta provemyself. But when I belong, I
ain't gotta give you nothing.
Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . You just cantell. It's just on me.
Belonging, just on you fittingyou fitting in is you trying to

(24:12):
put yourself in somethingthat's now . So that's , you
know , self-awareness will helpyou because when I'm
self-aware, I'll also be ableto say that. No , that's a ,
that's a round hole. I'm a I'ma square peg. Stop trying to
put me in there. Self-awarenesswill have you putting
boundaries on relationships andspaces where you don't have the

(24:35):
sense that you belong.
Somebody's just trying to fityou in, which means it's a
temporal space as it's, yeah .
And , and , and see, what we'vegotta look at when we're trying
to force ourselves in spacesthat we're not fit for is also
there's a culture to fittingin. Mm mm There's a culture to
fitting in. And now , when I ,and I, most people, when I say

(24:57):
culture, you think ethnicity,I'm not talking about your skin
color.

Speaker 6 (25:01):
Right.

Andre (25:02):
I'm talking about who you're , uh, belongs in spaces
where there are like-mindedpeople, like focused people.
Mm-hmm . , that'sthe sense of belonging,
connection. Right. That's good. So I'm not gonna fit in .
Andre would love to fit in withbillionaires, but as long as
billionaires are stuffy andelitist mm-hmm . I'll just

(25:25):
never be a billionaire. Mm-hmm. And I'll be okay with that.
Mm-hmm . . Now,if you find me a billionaire
club where there are people whoare laid back, love humanity.
Mm-hmm . love ,uh, living their best life for
God first and for everybody.
Mm-hmm . and formankind. Second, then I'm on my
way to being a billionaire. See, now listen to what I, just

(25:46):
speaking into existence .
, listen to what I justsaid. Belonging says, when I
get there, it actually expandedand made my life better.

Speaker 6 (25:55):
Yeah. Yeah . Mm-hmm .

Andre (25:57):
Fitting in says, I'm trying to get there because
there's something there that Ithink will make my life better
. Mm-hmm . The first one says,I'm gonna be better . The
second one says , I requirethat to be better. I'm not
gonna require anything temporalto make cause me to believe.
That's what'll make me better.

(26:18):
Your call , your Rolls Royceain't gonna make me better.
Your 7,000 square foot homeain't gonna make me better.
Right . That job title ain'tgonna make me better. Right .
No . What's gonna make mebetter is something on the
inside, that's where I belong.
That's, that's where I belong.
That's why I say it's acultural, there's a culture to
belonging. Um, you know,fitting in. Everybody wants to

(26:40):
fit in . Mm-hmm . , everybody wants to fit in
because , because that's theway we're created. It's natural
to us. Mm-hmm . belonging. Everybody don't know
how to belong. Everybody don'tknow how takes work. Yeah . You
take , it takes work. And thatwork is, is a transformation.
See, fitting in means you'rechanging yourself to be a part
of something. Belonging meansyou're showing up , showing as

(27:03):
yourself, and everybody'sgetting better.

Anitra (27:06):
, there we go .

Andre (27:07):
Lemme lemme just show up as, and , and , and it , it
takes work because belonging isintentional. There's absolutely
an intentionality in order tokind of facilitate a belonging
connection. And it's not thesame as changing yourself to
fit in belonging and changing .
I just, this past Sunday, I waspreaching a word about the
difference between , uh,changing and transformation.

Anitra (27:30):
Mm-hmm. .

Andre (27:31):
And that's the difference between fitting in
and belonging. Changing to fitin means the ownership is on
you to be able to meet thecriteria, whereas belonging is
transformational, which meansthere , which means you already
have everything you needintrinsically . Right . Right .

(27:51):
And you're gonna go there andeverybody's gonna get better .
I'd rather belong than fit inall day long. Yes .

Anitra (27:59):
So,

Andre (27:59):
So when we say things like, get in where you fit in,
I'm saying get in where youbelong.

Anitra (28:04):
Yeah. Yeah. Get

Andre (28:05):
In where you belong. Uh, that, that, that , that, those
are the things that kind ofcome mind . What , what , what
. But , uh, I'm gonna kick itto you now just in terms of
mm-hmm . , youknow, just, you know , not
forcing yourself to fit in or,or , or just kind of nurturing
, uh, your need, nurturing theneeds . Mm-hmm . You have
belonging. Mm-hmm . Just , yes. I'm gonna kick it to you now.
Mm-hmm .

Anitra (28:22):
I love it. And I co-sign everything you say. The
only thing I'll add to that iswhen you as Dre already pointed
out, belong and you're aware ofwho you're, so that, you know,
it's a natural, organic , uh,process of being in that, that
belonging state, you actuallyset yourself up and the
relationship up to now, I'lluse a , a basketball reference
here, even though I didn't playbasketball, but to in essence,

(28:45):
set up the assist for someoneelse. Nice . To now step in to
, uh, to score, to step in, tonow provide a need for the
larger community or the largerrelationship. And I think when
you're not self-aware , uh, andyou don't understand proper
belonging and who you are ,then what happens is you limit
everything because mm-hmm .

(29:06):
. Mm-hmm .
either you'retrying control the need to be
needed, or you're trying toprevent something from
happening. And it's soimportant that when you're,
you're aware of, you know, onewhere you are the answer and
you are able to provide thatbecause you're whole and you're
grounded and you understandyour belonging, then you will
do that. But you also think andunderstand, you know what , I'm
not the answer to this. Right.

(29:27):
But I can actually point you inthe direction, or I can
actually maybe make asuggestion. And that really
does take wholeness, which alsois directly connected to
knowing where you belong andwhere you don't belong. Mm-hmm
. , that's anindication of, you know mm-hmm
. wholeness inyou as the, the individual. And
so that's where you get intothese situations where you're
trying to fix something thatisn't broke. Right. Right.

Andre (29:47):
So,

Anitra (29:48):
Because you feel like, well, I , it's , I'm , it's my
job to do that, and this is theneed, and I'm gonna force feet
and I'm gonna put the squarepeg in a round hole. I remember
when I was , uh, teachingMalachi to tie his shoes and,
you know, it was taking longerthan I wanted. You know, like,
I was just like, come on , son.
Because I was tired of buyingVelcro shoes. And so each day I
was putting it on this routine,and finally my baby boy looked

(30:10):
at me and he was just like,mom, I'm not ready to learn
this .

Andre (30:14):
Yikes. love it.

Anitra (30:17):
And I was like,

Andre (30:19):
Got it. Yep . Right. Yep . Yep .

Anitra (30:21):
And that's the thing is he's telling me, yes, there is
a need. I do need toself-awareness , tie my shoes,

Andre (30:27):
Self-awareness, but I'm not ready to learn this right
now . It's not my time.
Self-awareness. Love it.

Anitra (30:32):
And when he learned it, he learned it. Right . And we
moved on . He's like ,

Andre (30:36):
I'm not leaving the Velcro club just yet, mama .
Yeah . I'm , I'm cool with theVelcro for a while .

Anitra (30:41):
I like way it work .
I'm doing my thing . Right. Uh, and so that's the
self-awareness is that you,sometimes you gotta say, you
know what? They're not readyfor it. I'm not ready for it. I
don't have the need, and I'mokay saying I'm gonna wait, or
I'm gonna , you know, bring insomeone else. And this is for
those of us who are in, youknow , our divorce may be in
blended families. This is, andit's a hard thing. We are

(31:03):
talking about, you know, maturemoves here. But you may find in
your new blended situation thatyou have to be whole enough to
know that now that there's abonus dad or a bonus mom in
play, you know, God may bringthat person there to be the
answer to something that yourchildren need. And it's okay .
That's good . This is tough.
Like I'm talking about what I'mwalking through now, and I have

(31:25):
to be self-aware enough to knowthat maybe this bonus mom,
maybe this bonus dad can stepin and, and provide the need in
our home, or provide the needfor our children.

Andre (31:36):
Yeah.

Anitra (31:36):
And that can be tough to do, but that's what we're
talking about in terms of theneed to be needed. Don't just
need to be needed for the sakeof needing to be needed.

Andre (31:45):
Yes. That's it.

Anitra (31:46):
Be the answer. Be

Andre (31:47):
The answer. Not the option . Be

Anitra (31:48):
The answer. And just like Exactly. Not the option.
Just like, bro , bro said it .
You don't become a betterperson because you might have a
title. Right. There's timeswhere God is gonna bring other
people into our lives to helpus learn something. Yeah .

Andre (32:02):
Yeah .

Anitra (32:02):
And you need to receive it. Not , no , it's not
because, oh, well that's, thatdidn't come from my husband, or
that didn't come from mypastor, or that didn't come
from my mentor. Right. No, itcame from the stranger at the
grocery store that God divinelysent to tell you what you
needed to hear. Right. Right.
And so, it's so important to beself-aware on all sides that ,
you know, don't just step intothat place where I, you know,
be humble, I think is reallyit. You know, our inner

(32:23):
Kendrick Lamar here, be humble.
Absolutely. And sit down whenyou need to. Um, and don't, and
don't lured over because I'm inthis position or because I have
this title, which is why theDavid story is so important.
I'm a dangle . Right ? Right .
Air quotes my answer over yourhead . Uh , and that's not
going to be, that's notnurturing the need, which is
the kind of the final point aswe're wrapping out here, that
yeah. You can kill arelationship by being on either

(32:46):
extreme, by being, you know,the person that's too needy or
lording someone over that youthink is needy, or vice versa.
Kill the relationship. Youknow, by being too independent,
too self-reliant with the firstone. Right . The biggest point
I'm gonna give out here, thenI'll kick it back to you, bro.
Bro, is, can you know thequestion is, can I kill a
relationship? Or can we kill arelationship being too needy?
If you don't understand thatbeing needed has an expiration

(33:11):
date, woo . You're settingyourself up. That's setting
yourself up. I said it, he justsaid it. And so it has an
expiration date. Ask the emptynesters .

Andre (33:21):
Yeah . Hello. Yes. Yes.

Anitra (33:23):
A ask the person whose spouse , uh, 20, 30, 40, 50
years walked out , you know ,passes away, passed away ,

Andre (33:29):
Or walks

Anitra (33:29):
Out. Right. And they didn't spend time finding
activities to do for themselfwith themself with their
friends. Different

Andre (33:37):
Retire after 50 years of hard labor retire.

Anitra (33:41):
Come on. Right. The end of a friendship. 'cause we're ,
you know, friendships can beseasoned reason or lifetime,
right? Mm-hmm . .
So we have to know that even ifwe're serving a much important,
essential, important need,every need has an expiration
date. And it should in healthyenvironments, right. .
Right? Absolutely. It shouldgrow to a place where now that
need you can now, you know, beaid it or fulfill it or , and

(34:04):
give and pay it forward. And soif you don't understand that
there's gonna be an expirationdate to you being needed, or
for someone else needing you,or for you, you know, you
having that need from thatperson, then that's where we
definitely have these spaces ofcodependency, which are not
healthy. Right? Not at all .
Not now. They're , they'rebuilding it on, you know,
dysfunction and things likethat. So that would be my

(34:24):
response. But let me give it toyou, bro. Bro . Can you know,
can you kill a relationshipwith being too needy? I ,

Andre (34:28):
I you can, but with exactly what you said. But, and
, and so , um, the , theunderstanding, first of all,
that needs fall underbelonging. Mm-hmm .
. So as long asyou stay, keep your needs under
un under the power, theauthority, under the value of
belonging, then mm-hmm .
, uh, youunderstand that what, again,

(34:50):
what you just said, some needsneed to be killed because you
grow and you grow becauseyou're in a situation where you
belong, right? Mm-hmm.
. 'cause what ,what , you know , it's life. So
you're gonna go through lifestages. So what I need at 15, I
didn't need, as a young adult,what I needed as a young adult.
I don't need in my middleadulthood right now. Yeah . And

(35:13):
what I'm gonna need when Iretire, I , I , uh, it's gonna
be different than what I'mneeding right now. But as long
as I'm consistently in asituation where I belong, I can
kill the need without killingmyself. I can kill the need
without sending myself intodepression or , or hurt . I can

(35:34):
kill the need and still be inperfect health and
psychological wellbeing becausebelonging. Mm-hmm .
is intentional,needing is temporal. Mm-hmm.
. Mm-hmm.
belonging iseternal because of
intentionality. Belonging is aspiritual practice. If I'm just
, it's because it's not basedon practicality. It's not based

(35:56):
on feasibility. It's a spirit .
Belonging is a spiritualpractice. It's a stamp of your
authenticity. That's , it'syour ability to invite yourself
to sit within yourself and justbe mm-hmm . .
That's what belonging is. Can Iwake up every day and say ,
Andre, I invite you just to beAndre today. Hey , you gonna

(36:18):
have a hell of a time doing ittoday? It's gonna be great.
Then I, I have a sense ofbelonging. It's , I , you knows
, if I can go in my job and myjob says, Andre, be yourself.
Be with my kids. Andre , beyourself . Be with be with my
relationships. Andre. Beyourself. Be on the, on the,
yeah . Anywhere, Andre, beyourself. Mm-hmm .
, and I'm in ,I'm invited to just be me. Then

(36:41):
the needs that fall under thatcan say, Hey, I'm gonna kill
this by meeting that need, orI'm gonna kill it 'cause I
outgrew that need, but I'mstill me, I'm still belonging.
Can I kill a relationship bybeing too needy? Absolutely.
Chances are I stepped outsideof being a belonging entity.

(37:02):
And that's how I end up killingthe relationship with my
neediness. Can you kill arelationship by being too
self-reliant? Same thing. Yes.
Why? Same reason. As long asI'm just myself, people find
value in who I'm, and thereforethey find connection. So
there's no longerself-reliance, it's just life

(37:24):
reliance. I just living my, mybest life. The fact of the
matter is , is you can't, you ,you can't get past people
needing you or you needingpeople. You're a social animal.
You're a social being . Yes.
Yes . You'll always have needs,whether you like it or not. The
reason you're needy is becausesocial needs fuel and drive and

(37:47):
connect and succeed. Mm-hmm .
, you're , youcannot do any of those things
by yourself. You can't. Youjust can't. You , you don't
find success. Mm-hmm . Alone,you don't find drive alone. You
obviously don't find connectionalone. You have no passion
alone . You have no purposealone. You just don't. So, yeah

(38:11):
. As much as you may wanna tryto be alone, you're not gonna
find any of the things I justmentioned, because you're a
social being. So Yes. To beingtoo self-reliant really means
not being yourself. You're notbeing yourself . You're not
being who you're at least oneother person. Mm-hmm .

(38:36):
and those folksthat say that I'm , I'm, that
they're easily annoyed. Andwhen I say folks, I'm talking
about myself that are easilyannoyed by needy people. If I'm
being honest. If I'm actuallybeing honest, that means that
there's a part of me that I,I'm trying to hide.

Anitra (38:55):
Yes.

Andre (38:56):
Yes. Because if , if I'm, if I'm annoyed by a needy
person, what I'm annoyed by istheir need to need somebody.
I'm annoyed because there's apart of me that probably
doesn't wanna say, dang, Ireally need somebody right
here. Right . Come on . And asan introvert, that's my fight
every day . I wanna be bymyself. But you know what? I
need to talk to somebody today.

Anitra (39:15):
Yeah. Yeah.

Andre (39:16):
And so you've gotta be intentional about belonging so
that even your self-reliancedoesn't kill relationships. So
yeah. Both sides of that coinAbsolutely. Too . Needy will
kill it too . Self-reliant willkill it. And, and it's because
you're not understanding yoursense of belonging. Because
you're not just being whoyou're, you're not inviting

(39:38):
yourself to just sit withinyourself and be, and just, just
just be. So, I , I know wegotta get the transformational
piece, but I wanna kick it backto you and see , see , uh, see
if there's anything else youwanna add to that.

Anitra (39:52):
Yeah. And just real quick, and then we'll hop
straight into the, the nextsegment. But I would only say
for those of us that definitelystruggle with, as robo pointed
out, like, you know, youstruggle with opening up
because you, you like some ofthat independence, isolation,
and you like the safety of it.
It does take trust. Right. Youknow, it does take trust
because relationships andexpanding , uh, you know, to

(40:14):
allow people to come into yourspace can be scary. 'cause you
like control. 'cause you wannamake sure that the life that
you're building, you can handleall of it, but you have to get
to where Yeah. You with wisdom,you trust people to come into
your space and to, to sharewhere you need them, where you
can be of service to them. Thatdoes take some, some hardship.
I mean , it does take somework, rather because it feel ,

(40:36):
you know, it definitely can bea space where you feel naked,
where you feel like, but that'sreally what relationships are
built on the healthy onesanyway. Absolutely. You know,
have trust. And so Absolutely.
If some of you are strugglingwith opening up in that way,
and you're killingrelationships because you're
too self-reliant, because youknow, it's just fear. It's just
fear of show , of showing, youknow, the fullness of who I am

(40:58):
. That's what Broo is saying isbelonging is about being your
authentic self. And if you findthat you become so independent,
so , um, self-reliant to wherethere's nowhere for anyone else
to fit in, it's because you'reafraid of trusting them. Yeah .
With your authentic self andtrusting them with who you're,
and you gotta jump off. So Ithink that's a perfect segue to
our transformationalperspective, which for those of

(41:22):
us that may struggle with thattrust, what we're really saying
is, you know, I really goteverything I need by myself.
Yeah . It is living life in avacuum. It's snug and warm and

Andre (41:33):
Safe. Right . Uhhuh .
It's sufficient Uhhuh . And

Anitra (41:36):
So that's that counterpoint to our whole
conversation that, hey, it'ssafe here. Hey, it's, it's warm
here. I got everything I need.
I really don't need anyoneelse. And I don't have a need
to be needed by anyone else. Sowhat's wrong with living my
life in my vacuum? What sayyou, bro, bro.

Andre (41:53):
Well , well , one, I think it's, it's a lie. I , I
think that , that , I thinkyou're lying to yourself. But,
and here's my example to thereason why I say you're lying.
I , I , I have gone dayswithout what I think is talking
to people and by people, thenI'm automatically saying, I've
gone days without connecting topeople I have a relationship

(42:13):
with. I haven't gone to work.
Maybe I took some time off.
It's not Sunday. So I'm not atchurch. And I've spent days
where all I've done was stay inmy, my place. And I went to the
store and I came back to myplace and I would say, mm-hmm .
, I'm happy. Idon't need to connect with
anybody. I'm self-sufficient,self-reliant. So what y'all

(42:36):
talking about in this wholefitting in , it's a farce.

Anitra (42:39):
Right ? .

Andre (42:39):
But here's , here's the problem where I'd be lying to
myself, and this actuallyhappened to me. And a moment
where I had days off, I went tothe grocery store , store and I
got some item . And the ladydidn't ask me if I wanted a
bag. And I got a little bitindignant on the inside because

(43:02):
watch this, I felt slightedbecause I, here's this word,
needed her to ask me if Ineeded a bag. Mm-hmm.
. So I said,outwardly, you , you're not
gonna ask me if I need a bag.
And what she said to me was,is, well, I check you out every
day. Your usual limit is fourto five items you carry out on

(43:24):
your own. You have. And shesaid, oh, you got six items.
I'm sorry. Did you need a bag, ? And , and here's no .
Now here's my example. I loveit. In my mind, I didn't need
anybody self-reliance,self-sufficient. Mm-hmm .
. Mm-hmm.
. But then I goto the grocery store and I
needed her to ask me if Iwanted a bag. 'cause I indeed

(43:45):
had six items. You needed it.
. She had established arelationship with me. I didn't
even know we had, because sheknew me. And so good . What she
knew about me was, is when hecomes through with five items
mm-hmm . , he gotthis mm-hmm . ,
he got it. Mm-hmm.
. And that forher was a moment of he's good.

(44:07):
But when I had six items,that's how much she knew about
my habits . When I had That'shilarious . Six items. She
said, no , he needs me. Andwatch this. In her mind, she
belonged right where she was tooffer me the bag. Yep . My
self-reliance didn't even knowI needed her. So if you living

(44:29):
in a vacuum and you're saying,no, I got everything I need. I
don't need anything, you'reactually lying to yourself.
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm.
. Because everysituation, every circumstance,
every every scenario requires abelonging, requires a needing ,
and you've gotta choose whichone you wanna be. She chose
belonging. I chose neediness.

(44:51):
And from that moment on, Irealized I can't, I can't be so
reliant that I can't berelational with people who I
need , who I , who belong in mylife. And if I says now,
whenever I see her, everysingle time I see her, I, she,
she counts my stuff and I smile and we laugh, and we

(45:11):
have a whole conversation inthat moment. Mm-hmm .
so much so that Iwon't go to anybody else's line
. Yeah . That's how our cothat's how our relationship is
right now. So if you're tellingyourself you don't need
anybody, you'reself-sufficient, you're lying
to yourself, you're lying toyourself. Mm-hmm . Now , and
I'm not saying that it's a badthing to be self-sufficient. No

(45:33):
self-sufficient. Right . Havethis, this self-sufficient
people , uh, have a strong ,uh, what we call psychology,
internal locus of control, notmeaning. They have this ability
and this desire kind of todetermine their own course. And
they typically do a great jobat making sure their course is
on point. It's exactly whatthey need. Nothing more and

(45:56):
nothing less. They make theirown decisions. They, they have
their own life choices.
Self-sufficient people also arevery authentic. You not Finn ,
get the fak and phony with aself-sufficient person. No ,
that's good . Because they'regonna let you know immediately
whether or not you are damagingor helping their own
sufficient. So they're not Finnto play no play . They ain't

(46:18):
gonna play roles with you.
They're not gonna be dishonestand misleading just to please
you. They're not to please youat all . Right . They'll tell
you the truth. They're their ,in their , their inner , uh,
stability, their , uh,wholeness. It means that it's
not so important for them togain your affirmation or even
gain your respect . If I'mbeing honest with you , because
I'm , I'm , I'm speaking fromexperience , I'm

(46:41):
. I'm not only , I'mnot only a member. I'm the
self-sufficiency clubpresident. I'm the c e , I'm
the c e o . So I , I I, I'm fully prepared for the
risk of being disliked becauseI'm speaking my truth. Like I'm
fully , I'm fully prepared for, to walk away and somebody
say, I don't like you. I knewit. I was prepared for it.

(47:05):
, like , I'm so good atthis . Yeah . I'm so
good at being self-sufficient,but I do not lie to myself. I
know it is highly importantthat there will be needs that I
have that are only gonna be metoutside of me . So I thought
I'd do my best connect where Ibelong in , uh, line number

(47:31):
seven every morning, between eight 30 and 9:00 AM
when Tiffany's working. I onlyknow that because I see her
badge , because I don't belongin anybody else's line because
they don't get me. Like Tiffanygets me and I don don't get,
and, and I , nobody getsTiffany the way I get her. I

(47:52):
don't see her smiling andlaughing at , at just looking
at a bag the way she does me . No. So, so, so, so
for me then that bottom lineis, is you gotta have
connection to grow . Do not lieto yourself and think you can
live life alone. You gotta haveNo man is an island. I know.
We've heard that some time . No

Anitra (48:10):
Man is an island. Yeah.
That's

Andre (48:11):
Good. You need connection to grow. You can be
a peninsula. I'm a peninsula. Ican't be an island, but I am a
peninsula. Ah , peninsula. Yeah. You may think you live in a
vacuum . Little, tiny, little ,like the Florida keys, like
that little sliver . Right .
Just little. The little slip .
It's a one-way road. .
It's a , but , uh, but you know, with a draw, with a

(48:33):
drawbridge with a and a and atroll . And a troll , not a
toll , a troll . I'lltell you , that's ,
that is me. Um , I love it .
But yeah, you know, you , you ,you might, if you're lying to
yourself, you might thinkyou're living in a vacuum, but
your actions will always beconnected to someone else else

(48:53):
. Whether , whether you wannaadmit it or not. Your mind is
always plotting to get what youneed, or it's protecting you
from being drained . Eitherway. It's looking for
belonging, it's looking forrelational value. So therefore,
if you're honest, you areneedy. I'm needy. Everyone is
needy. We all wanna be seen, weall wanna be understood. We all

(49:16):
wanna feel cared for. We allwanna feel valued. We all wanna
know that what we offer to thisworld in any given scenario has
relational value to it. Mm-hmm.
. Mm-hmm .
. And sotherefore, you know, you may
think yourself reliant. Nah ,nah , you need the gas
attendant. You need a mechanic. Well , my , my old pastor

(49:36):
used say , there are two thingsyou gonna need in life. You
gonna need a mechanic, andyou're gonna need a preacher to
preach at your funeral. Well,come on , you better have some
relationships. If you gonnahave a preacher preach at your
funeral , and you better havesome relationships if you gonna
need a mechanic because , uhmm-hmm . , you
know , those are the , thosethose areas where boy , you
know, if somebody care aboutyou, let your car break down

(49:59):
and let your , let your healthbreak down . Let's just , come
on . Let's , that's what you'llknow . Let's see who's there.
That's who's in your life. Youabsolutely know .

Anitra (50:08):
Showing up , showing up at the door. I got this potato
salad. Right , right .

Andre (50:12):
Something , something .
Let , let's something . So yeah. I , that's , that's, for me ,
that's that , that's thatbottom line. You need
connection to grow you . You'renot gonna be self-reliant. The
same time a plant needs the sun, it needs the soil , it needs
the water . Mm-hmm . It it ,and in order for it to handle
the elements and still grow ,it needs all of those things.

(50:35):
It cannot grow , uh, by itself.

Anitra (50:38):
I love it. That's perfect. Uh , microphone drop
on that. So we're gonna jumpright into our quick shot . And
Broa , did you have one? Do youwant me to jump into mind ? No
, I ,

Andre (50:49):
So normally, you know, I try to bring something funny,
but this one's very thoughtful.
And it , and it , and I likedit because we're talking about
, uh, getting in where you fitin , fit in mm-hmm .
. And it , and ithas a lot to do with belonging
or being needed . And I read ,this was on Instagram , it was
a quote , and , and I really dolike it. Uh , I , I , yeah. Uh
, it says , you don't reallyneed someone to complete you,

(51:11):
you only need someone to acceptyou completely .

Anitra (51:16):
Mm . Yeah . One more time.

Andre (51:18):
Okay. You don't, you don't really need someone to
complete you. Yeah . You onlyneed someone to accept you
completely.

Anitra (51:27):
I love it. That's beautiful. Yeah . And some of
us, we need to definitelyremind ourself of that, you
know, as we're, you know,navigating relationships and
stuff. That's very, very good.
So, well in this spirit of ,um, being the answer to all
things in life. Okay . And, youknow, this notion of, of, you
know, what can I do to solve aproblem or to answer the need,

(51:50):
I decided to think aboutdifferent things that have been
invented or created in life tohelp us, you know, I guess live
better or to answer the needs .
So I'm gonna throw out a coupleof inventions and things that
have happened over history. AndI want you to tell me, is it a
necessary invention? And why?
Oh lord. Or useless ,oh Lord, useless and should

(52:10):
never have been. Um , do weneed it

Andre (52:12):
And does it belong? Or should we know ?
Because

Anitra (52:14):
When you think about it, everything really, when you
think about inventions and justanything that we do as human
beings, I , you know, ideallyit's because we're what we're
trying to be the answer or thesolution. Yeah. Uh, to
something. And so that's kindof , I just got me thinking.
And so I , I , I kind of , kindof thought of a couple of these
or looked up a couple of these.
So here's the first one. So isit necessary or useless in

(52:35):
terms of being the answer orsolution ? Body soap.

Andre (52:41):
Oh , it's needed. You send me . It's needed. There's
too many, oh , lemme say thiscorrectly, , there's
too many folk walking aroundthat don't understand that they
belong with soap. Not justneeded. They belong with soap .
Are you kidding me?

Anitra (53:01):
? Are you kidding me? Like , no . Now you
know, there's some countriesyou can go to.

Andre (53:07):
Yes. Yes. And they don't necessarily, so lemme tell you
something . With putting

Anitra (53:11):
The dial and the zes , lemme ,

Andre (53:13):
Lemme tell . So if , lemme tell . So I know there's
some countries like that. AndI'm gonna tell you , if I had
the money, I'd start a soapcompany in that country .
. I would be abillionaire . A billionaire.
I'd be handing out samples likedrugs on corner . They're not
gonna use it. I'll be handingout samples like drugs on the
corner , just tie it. One hit.
You'll be back and showing up .

(53:34):
Yeah . You , they put no , theygonna be somebody scratching
the on their forearm talkingabout , Hey, you got that Irish
freak . You got that Irish . You got that? Do
there gonna be a man? Hey , yougot that? Do for men .
like , I got you now .

Anitra (53:49):
Oh my God. All right , here's another one. Necessary
or useless. So you could saylike , like what said, belong
or I guess don't belong. Um ,all right . Spray on hair.

Andre (54:03):
Oh God, I no , don't belong . Listen, if God
gave you early male pattern barbalders, accept , accepted ,
accept . And I'm speaking fromexperience. I'm not only, look,
I'm not only a member. I'm thec e o , the president of the
early pattern . But just acceptit. It's okay. You can still be

(54:25):
loved. You'll still find aplace to belong and bald. Just
don't , don't do that joint.
Nope .

Anitra (54:30):
Go get it. Shh . Don't , don't do that joint .

Andre (54:33):
Don't do that. Listen, we , we got a lot of things
that, you know, that should nothave been connected with hair
and spray . Like Jerry Curl, no Jerry Curl. No. We
shoulda have left that alone.

Anitra (54:46):
Oh , I love Jerry , Jerry Curl .

Andre (54:47):
I know. And you shoulda left that alone. And dad , me
. And , and , and dadgot , got , got , got a
comedian, a homeless comedian,talked about dad on Venice
Beach

Anitra (55:00):
Because it was a huge Afro jerk . It was

Andre (55:03):
. It was on that day where I said to myself, I
ain't gonna do that. I ain'tgonna be doing no check , girl
.

Anitra (55:10):
Oh, man. Because he type , yeah . Dad's six foot
five too , with a hugeAfrojack. That's rough . That
was rough . All right , here'sanother one. Uh, necessary or
useless? Um, digital music.

Andre (55:23):
Oh, necessary.
Absolutely necessary. Mm-hmm .
, I mean, one,just the, the , the progression
of technology. Um mm-hmm .
, I'm not finnakeep carrying around that big
old , uh, uh, boombox on myshoulder . Boombox , .
I ain't Finn do it. I'm justnot Finn do it. I'm gonna reach
an age in my life where I'mlike, you know what? I just

(55:46):
ain't listening to music nomore. If this is the only way I
can do it . I just ain't listento music No more . So,
no digital. Digital, you know ,you

Anitra (55:54):
Know, you wanna listen to Sydnee Lauper and Bruno Mars
within a a five minute span . Ican't Finn do

Andre (56:00):
It . I ain't Finn do it . I'm not, no , I'm not finna
do it . No , no . Thank God fordigital music .

Anitra (56:07):
Amen . We can share it up . So, okay, here's another
one . Uh , necessary oruseless, hoverboards

Andre (56:14):
Necessary. Again , technology . No ne what also is
necessary is I think thereneeds to be some type of
licensure process. .
Okay ? I , I believe you need ,I believe you need a license. I

(56:36):
do believe you gonna need avery specific, let's call it a
class H for he board license ,licensed driver's license.
Okay. They're like , right . Idon't believe, I don't believe
it's necessary for everybody,but I do believe it's
necessary. I look , uh, call mewhat you want. Call me a a
hover. Hover . Whether it's aracist, call me a hover ,

(56:58):
because I don't believeeverybody should have a
hoverboard, shoulda have accessthere , there's gonna have to
be some licensing process. Butyeah, I believe there should

Anitra (57:06):
Be hoverboards.
Absolutely. I totally disagree.
I think we're headed to Wally walk , move your body .

Andre (57:14):
No , but

Anitra (57:15):
Y'all fall over anyway.
They blow up and burn .

Andre (57:17):
You know, recently they announced the AI thing for
Google . No , for notGoogle for binging. Binging
announced the ai. I

Anitra (57:27):
Did hear that.

Andre (57:28):
And , and the Google immediately followed it up with
their own version . Ai . Ai,yes.

Anitra (57:32):
And

Andre (57:32):
Both of them are tracked to garbage right now because
they asked the question. Theyboth got it wrong. So listen,
I'm saying hoverboard, yes, ai.
No, I'm not finna have noiRobot incident, man. Nah ,
nothing happened . Nothinghappened . .

Anitra (57:50):
I love it. Okay, let's do maybe , uh, a couple more.
Um, okay. Uh, useless, you know, or necessary answer , not the
answer . D n a fingerprinting.

Andre (58:03):
Well , um,

Anitra (58:05):
Ha I knew that was be

Andre (58:07):
Having the past , that I had tread lightly . Let's get
rid , tread lightly . Somethings that I've done in Let's
get rid of that . Let's , let's, let's get of

Anitra (58:16):
That start to say, well, who does it really help?
. Listen .

Andre (58:20):
Listen . If we're gonna continue , then I'm gonna need
us put more money in thingslike , uh, all purpose cleaner
. So I down I've , yeah , thetwo , oh , the , the balance.
The balance. That's what I ,that's my verse . If you're
gonna keep the d n afingerprint, then just

(58:42):
understand, I'm gonna keep some4 0 9 . You got your d
something that I got my oh ninecompletely .

Anitra (58:49):
I love it. Um, let's do maybe two more. Okay. Well this
, and this is actually a realinvention. Two day underwear.
So it's underwear that has fourleg holes . So you wear one
side the first day and then youcan rotate. Can I the second
side ,

Andre (59:06):
Can I stop you

Anitra (59:10):
The real invention ?
Google it .

Andre (59:13):
Oh my God . So unnecessary . So unnecessary .
Whoever invented it wasunnecessary . Whoever, whoever
kid . No . Whatever patent wasused unnecessary. I'm just so

Anitra (59:26):
Busy. I don't have time.

Andre (59:27):
Okay . No , no . Listen , listen. Lemme tell you
something. Lemme tell yousomething . I'm gonna say,
whoever invented this is theexception to the living the
life in a vacuum rule . I needyou to live your life by
yourself. , go right onin that vacuum . If you come
with me , that's probablywhat's already happening.
, if you come with tome and you're wearing day two

(59:47):
of your two day draws, LA Doc doc , no, no, no. Don't
talk to me. Don't come by me.
. You know what? Nowthat I know it's event , I'm
starting to ask people, are youon your day two or your two day
draws ? If you're ,talk to me tomorrow . Tomorrow

(01:00:08):
only talk to me when you're onday, day of your day . No , sir
. To me , that's ,

Anitra (01:00:17):
That's probably the person that, that actually has
been in the vacuum they talkingto, they self created .

Andre (01:00:21):
That's when they came up with two , they ,

Anitra (01:00:23):
Their imaginary self needed draw .

Andre (01:00:26):
They to come out, come out and connect , you know, and
, and think of thatconversation. They done talking
themselves so much that theyobviously came into argument
and said, get out my draws. Getin your own draw . ,
are you kidding me? Don't talkto me on day two . If you wear
a two day draw ,

Anitra (01:00:47):
Don't talk to me . Oh my God. Oh , that's so good .

Andre (01:00:49):
You're ce to society .
You wait for me .

Anitra (01:00:54):
Oh , . Oh, that's so good. Okay. Um, do I
wanna do one ? Let's do maybeone more. Um , okay. Necessary
or useless. A high-end, highquality deluxe burger at
McDonald's?

Andre (01:01:08):
No , no . Useless, useless , uh, number for a
couple reasons. Number one ,that's an oxymoronic statement.
Lemme just , lemme just startthere. Okay . Okay . Don't
listen. If I look in the backand I don't see a sous-chef or
an executive chef cooking thisdeluxe burger,

Anitra (01:01:27):
Right ?

Andre (01:01:28):
Let , if this burger comes in a combo, No ,
no , no , no. Absolutely not.
Oh God . And then the secondthing is, is you're using that
to drive up prices of thenuggets. Yes. That's why you're
using that. Drive up the pricesof the nuggets.

Anitra (01:01:45):
Sweet .

Andre (01:01:46):
I'll not pay more than a dollar 29 for six nuggets. You
didn't use this executive levelburger that's got a Michelin
rating. So now you can chargemy six nuggets at $3 . You
ain't fooling nobody.
Absolutely not McDonald's.
Absolutely not.

Anitra (01:02:01):
Oh , that's so funny.
And apparently they had this,and obviously like you said,
the , the world also agreedwith you. 'cause they had some
sort of art something burgerback in, I think in the
eighties, that they were tryingto do their high-end version.
It was like, we don't go toMcDonald's for that .
Right ? We go for convenience .
Stop it . Ain't nobody cominghere . I I want count . I'm
gonna go somewhere else. Right. Stop it . Just stop. So they
had to , they had to kill it.

(01:02:22):
They had to kill it. Theyrealized , oh , that is not
the, we are not the answer.
Mm-hmm . Mm-hmm . , we're not the solution to the
high end burger. So , mm-hmm .
With that , uh, let'stransition. So, bro , bro ,
what you got for the final blow?

Andre (01:02:34):
So, so we're , we're talking again about getting in
where you fit in. And our hopeis that you've got a sense of,
you know, do you belong? Youknow, is this, is this really
where you can be your authenticself? And you gotta be able to
understand that being in aspace where you are belonging

(01:02:54):
or needed to the point whereyou're belonging, it's always
bigger picture understandingthat's required. Meaning, if
I'm needed, oftentimes I'm onlybeing seen for , for , for
myself, or I only see myselftrying to meet a goal. But when
I belong, I'm always able tosee bigger than me. I belong

(01:03:17):
here to the picture, biggerthan me. And what brings value
is when you understand thateven though the picture's
bigger than you, without you,the bigger picture can't be met
. There's a , uh, there's a ,there's a proverb that Solomon
writes in the 21st chapter ofProverbs 31st verse . It says,
the horse is prepared for thebattle, but the victory belongs

(01:03:40):
to the Lord. And so it's inthat case, when I feel like I'm
belonging, I realize my job isjust to be the prepared battle,
battle . My , my job to be theprepared horse . My job is to
be prepared, and I'm preparedby being my authentic and
existential self. But when Ibelong, I also recognize that
together we all about to getthis victory. We all about to

(01:04:03):
get this win. This w is on ourway because all of us have a
relational value that we'rebringing to the table. That's
what it ought to feel like whenyou get in where you fit in .
That's what it ought to feellike. It ought to feel like you
belong here. It ought to feellike you are able to fix your
little old tambourine throughand just get a little, get a

(01:04:24):
little take on there. Andoccasionally they part and you
get center stage and you playyour ine like nobody's
business. And the overallconcert, it was a victory as a
result of you doing your partbecause you belong . When we
say get in, when you fit in, beself-aware, know that you

(01:04:44):
belong there. Know that they,you're who you are. You're
giftedness your authentic self.
It was called to be in thisscenario. And that's how you
know that it's time for you toabsolutely get into it. Get in
where you fit in . That , thatis my final love .

Anitra (01:05:02):
I love it. So we've come to the end of the episode.
As always, thank you so muchfor joining us for this
episode. Please help us buildthe savage

Andre (01:05:13):
Siblings community.

Anitra (01:05:14):
We need you guys to like , to care , to comment, to
leave a review. Pleasesubscribe and then send this to
your favorite Savage siblingand all your family members,
you know, share your thoughtswith us about being needed. We
absolutely wanna hear from themiddle children. What are your
thoughts about being needed infamily dynamics, younger
siblings, older siblings? Shoutus out. Share your thoughts.

(01:05:36):
And maybe you know, about auseless invention or something
that somebody created that iscompletely pointless. Please
share that in the comments. Letus know. And , uh, so Al so
always glad that you guys arerocking with us . We wanna
shout out our amazing team ofpeople that make this possible.
Dwayne McClendon and KyleDavis, our sound editors.

(01:05:58):
Ronnie Maxwell of Maxwell.
Music , music , music producer,Keith Cross of Kross
Photography. Thank you always .
K . Amazing photos. Our parentsfor their d n a , the
parentals, all the funny lifelessons, things that they have
taught us and passed on to us.
And lastly, but certainly notleast, you, the listeners,

(01:06:18):
we're so glad you're here .
We're gonna see you guys nexttime. And remember, don't go
through life alone . Take care.