Do you ever struggle to communicate what you truly want or need in your relationships? Join us today as we explore the power of clear communication with therapist and coach, Alyse Freda-Colon. Discover how speaking up can help you live the life you deserve and break the cycle of attracting jerks.
We dive into the importance of knowing your must-haves and deal-breakers while navigating the dating world. Alyse shares her insights on how to avoid repetitive dating mistakes, and why self-communication is crucial in building a healthy relationship. Plus, learn how to overcome the fear of judgment, making waves, and conflict by expressing your desires and being ready to take up space.
Don't miss Alyse's expert advice on how to effectively use your voice to express yourself and ensure your needs are met. Be sure to check out Alyse at http://www.afctherapy.com . Head to www.savvycommunicator.com to join our forum and connect with other members. As your host, Amy Flanagan, I want to thank Alyse and our listeners for tuning in – check out Alyse's website at coachingwithalyse.com to get your FREE Secret Weapon Dating Guide!!
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome to the Savvy Communicator Podcast.
I'm your host, amy Flanigan.
On today's episode, we're goingto unpack a big question How do
you live the life you want?
This is a place where wediscuss all things communication
, facial expressions, bodylanguage and, most importantly,
(00:24):
how to talk when you're not surewhat to say.
My expert guest today is EliseFrida-Cologne, a therapist who
specializes in helping peoplelive the life they want.
Elise is a therapist in privatepractice in New York, a dating
coach for women who are tired ofdating assholes, and a coach
for people pleasing women whospend way too much time lying
(00:45):
awake at night worrying aboutall the what-ifs.
She is an avid indoor cyclingfanatic, an organizing guru who
loves nothing more than cleaningout a closet and loves all
things sparkly.
Elise, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm thrilled to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
I'm so glad to have you here.
I have to say, living the lifeyou want sounds really tempting.
Is that something that'sactually possible?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
A thousand percent possible, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
What do you think gets in our way of living that
life?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
So many things.
The first thing that I think isimportant is for people to
figure out what would that looklike?
So, let's say, in therapy,someone will come in and they
need help.
I want to clarify with themwhat would your life to look
like?
on the other end of this, let'simagine we were wildly
successful.
(01:39):
You walk away from therapysaying, oh my gosh, that was the
greatest thing I've ever done.
Tell me, what does your lifelook like?
How do we know we weresuccessful, whether that's goal
setting, wanting to changebehaviors, that you're engaged
in, change relationships, career, whatever it is.
So first being able to figureout what do I want my life to
(02:00):
look like, and then we takesteps.
How are we going to get youthere?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
That sounds really interesting, because I think a
lot of people and I certainly do.
if I'm looking at any kind ofproblem, the first thing I'll do
is see the problem itself andbe like well, in order to
achieve this, i have to do allthese things first And not look
at the end product where I saybut you know what?
this is what I really want todo.
It's not about moving this rock, it's about stepping around it.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Absolutely stepping around it.
What are the work around?
And let's not talk about whyyou can't.
Let's talk about how you can,in spite of whatever obstacles
you might have, because everyonehas obstacles.
It doesn't mean you can't getwhere you want to be.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
That's good, that's reassuring.
So what's a big communicationissue that you see in your work?
Because a lot of times, youknow, i find that communication
can be the issue, whether it'scommunication with you, whether
it's communication with otherpeople.
Is there a pattern that you see, or is it all kinds of
everything?
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Well, it's all kinds of everything and there are
patterns that I say.
One thing that I see a lot outis people expecting others
usually their significant other,loved ones to read their mind,
so feeling like if they reallyloved me, if they really knew me
, they would know to do that, iwouldn't have to ask.
(03:23):
And so they don't get what theywant.
They silently speak about it,build up that resentment thing
while not clearly communicatingwhat it is that they want,
because they should know what Iwant.
And sometimes clear and directis just the easier approach that
(03:46):
gets you the results you'relooking for.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Yeah, I've definitely been on both sides of that
equation where sometimes justyou think everything's going
along just fine And then someoneexplodes and says well, you
know A, B, C, D and E, youdidn't do this, You don't
understand me, etc.
And I've been on the other sideof it where it's just like well
, this is so obvious, How cananybody miss that I'm, this is
(04:12):
what I need and what I'm tryingto do.
Obviously they're trying toignore me, And yeah.
So I say, both of those arereally hard.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
But sometimes if you can just let go of that idea
that you have, that I shouldn'thave to ask, or they should know
to do.
Okay, yeah, sure you can makean argument for that, but if you
find that you're repeatedlyupset about the same kind of
thing, speak up.
You know, i always think ofthis example of when my kids
(04:43):
were younger.
I like things, as you can tell,by the closet organizing.
I like things neat and cleanand organized.
And when I am in a clutteredsituation I can't think straight
.
And so if I would come home fromwork and there was crap
everywhere, i like, feel it inmy body and my shoulder and I
can't think and I'm like, and Iwould be grouchy walking in the
(05:04):
door like I come home to thistornado And I would just
silently be pissed about it,like are you kidding me?
I've been at work with it.
You couldn't just straighten upa little bit?
But when I had thatconversation with my husband,
like look, i know you don'treally care about them, it makes
me nuts.
If you could just make surethat, like some stuff is put
away, it just makes mytransition to home so much
(05:26):
easier.
Oh, sure, no problem.
And then it was done forevermore right.
I was thinking, well, he shouldwant to do it or he should know
how I am.
But really all it took wascould you please do this?
And he said absolutely, yeah,no.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I get that completely , because my husband feels that
way, in that he's very preciseabout where things need to go
And I'm sort of like theTasmanian devil and I don't see
what's around.
And so finally he's like do yousee these things here, if they
(06:04):
could go?
and for a while we didn't talkabout it And he was just buying
me organizational bins andthings that you know, hinting
pot lids and that, yes, he'slike look, i got this wonderful
thing for you.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Wouldn't your kids look better in?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
this than over there?
Yes, exactly, and finally hehad to say you know, it doesn't
just bother me, like you said,it gets into my bones when
things are not in the rightplace.
And you try to put some thingsin the right place, nice and
well.
Yes, i'll absolutely try.
(06:40):
I don't promise to be perfectabout that, but we'll see.
And you know, and we came to agood compromise on it, but we
finally had to sit down and talkabout it and be direct, and I
think that's so hard sometimes.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
It is hard because you I mean, you know, mostly you
don't want to hurt the otherperson's feelings.
And I'll say my husband listensto this, Oh, he won't care,
He's like the bed made every dayright.
And he is the last one in thebedroom.
He I wish it if the bed is made, but he knows that it makes me
happy, so he I always smile whenI walk in and I see that he has
(07:15):
, quote, made the bed.
He tries, but you know, if youpull the everything's like
rumbled in it.
it's not the way I would makethe bed.
But the fact that he does itfor the sole purpose of making
me happy.
That's enough, Right.
He's crying, and he's not afantastic bedmaker, but the
(07:36):
effort is maybe even moreimportant than the result of the
bed being made.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Yes, yeah, exactly.
Do you see people putting moreeffort into the process of the
date itself and less into thecommunication or the long term
of what you're looking for, like?
when I think of a date, i thinkof you know, getting ready and
going and being bubbly and funand asking interesting questions
(08:06):
, and that it sort of ends whenthe date ends And then all of a
sudden I don't really know whathappened.
Does that?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
make sense?
Yes, it does.
Yeah, almost like putting on ashow, right?
Speaker 1 (08:20):
You know it's like birds that you know, fly their
plumage and everything, and youthink, well, this is all I need
to do, probably they'llunderstand all the things about
me.
I mean, i'm not going to askthat or anything, Right?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
I think that what I see a lot of people doing when
dating that I think is a misstepis listening to words at the
expense of paying attention toactions, going into a date
invested in the outcomes andagain listening to words.
(08:56):
I think back two years ago,talking to a woman who see, when
I work with someone and theyhave their relationship is not
going well, i always want toknow they're not, let's say, a
bad relationship or highconflicts.
I always want to know when didyou first notice this as an
issue?
And the answer is neveryesterday.
(09:16):
It is on our first date beforewe got married.
It's generally a long standingthing that, for whatever reason,
let's say in this case, a womanhas kind of pushed away or like
well, maybe I can be okay withthat, or maybe it's not a big
deal, because they want therelationship to work.
And I remember said on thefirst date she said to me don't
(09:43):
get involved with me, i willonly break your heart.
And what did she do?
She said oh, you don't takeyour way on.
That's so silly Right.
I mean talk about a straight up.
Here's the truth.
I'm going to say it to you.
She didn't hear it, she didn'twant to believe that And
(10:03):
ultimately that's what ended uphappening.
But paying attention tobehavior, i think, is so
important, because people cansay anything, they can promise
you anything.
Do the actions line up?
Is there a consistency betweenthe words and the actions, and
if not, i say that that wordsare always less important than
(10:27):
the actions.
Pay attention.
What does he do Not, what doeshe say?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
That makes sense.
Yes, it does.
I think that a lot of peopleplay that kind of I'm bad news.
You shouldn't get involved inme in the hopes that they will
get chased, in the hopes thatsomebody will say yes, you are
worth it.
Yes, of course you know.
No, i won't believe thatbecause there is good in you, or
(10:53):
?
Speaker 2 (10:54):
whatever.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
And movies and TV certainly underscore that it's
possible to change somebody.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah, no, it is, no, it is Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
No, people are generally happy with who they
are, or they would make change.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
You know, i'm a therapist and I have people who
come here and they pay moneyweekly and sit on this couch and
they're working their asses offto change and it's still hard.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
So I always tell people.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
if you think someone is magically going to change,
you are kidding yourself,because change is possible, but
it takes a lot of work andcommitment.
It doesn't just happen.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
You know same thing.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
People are in a relationship and break up and
then, over time, the feelingsoftened.
Maybe we should get back, maybedifferent now.
Why?
What would be different now?
What has changed?
Right, right, this provision ishistory And what usually
happens is you get back togetherand not too long after it's
like oh, i remember why I brokeup with this guy.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah, i remember watching some TV show once and
they talked about is it during arelationship, every time the
person does something to annoyyou, you should write it down
and keep it in a diary so thatwhen you break up, you can go
back and read all of thosethings again, You know what's
funny is that I have used thatas kind of an assignment for
people throughout the years, notas they're dating, but more so,
(12:17):
you know, coming out of arelationship that has not served
them well, whether it was let's
Speaker 2 (12:23):
say abusive or emotionally abusive.
I want you to write a list ofevery terrible thing he ever
said to you, and not to tortureyourself, but to fold up and put
away in the event that you everforget about that and say, well
, maybe it'll be different thistime.
That is your logical self onthat piece of paper talking to
(12:48):
your wavering self who'sthinking is this the person that
you want to be with?
who said these things to you ordid these things to you?
I think it's a great exercise.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, and that's sort of communicating with yourself,
i guess, being there at thebeginning so that you can
remember later on that you'retelling yourself, you're
reminding yourself, and I thinka lot of times we don't
communicate with ourselves.
I have certainly been in thatsituation where it's like I'm
not going to think about it, i'mjust going to assume it's going
to get better and not open myeyes until it's better, and then
(13:22):
you end up walking around along time with your eyes closed
to something.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
But when you say I'm just going to assume it's going
to get better, i'll say be asomewhat evidence.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
What evidence.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Do you have to support the idea that this is
going to get better?
I'm going to get better.
Let me hear it.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Yeah, and a lot of times you don't have it.
If it's hope, I mean, that'snot a plan, Right?
Yeah, it's just like well, Iwant it to happen.
Okay, well, that's nice.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yes.
I don't know that's going towork out for you, let me see the
evidence right.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Same thing where you know, let's say, a woman is in a
relationship and she's reallyunhappy with some of the stuff
that the man is doing And she'she's working on it.
He's good, working on it, okay.
Well, how is he working?
Well, he's working on it, okay.
But like, how, what is he doingto work on it?
Saying I'm working on it is notwork.
That's not a thing, Those arejust words.
(14:21):
What evidence, do you see?
Because if someone is knockingthemselves out to improve on
something, you're going to seeevidence of that.
You're going to see they'rereally making an effort, Like
making the bed.
That's an example, right, It'sa, it's a kind of tangible thing
that says here I don't careabout this that much, but I know
you do And I'm going to do thisbecause you.
(14:42):
It's important to you.
That is kind of what I'mtalking about with evidence.
Obviously That's not a greatthing, but you get this So no,
that's a great example.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
That is like you said it's tangible, it's visible,
it's right there.
Might not be perfect, but it'schanging Absolutely So.
So you teach women how not todate And asshole, which I think
is the best title I have heardin a long time.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Thank you very much.
Thank you Tell me about that.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Tell me what that's like.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Well, i found.
So.
My therapy practice is in NewYork and I found over.
I've been doing this a verylong time, longer than I care to
admit.
But I've had over the yearsthat I was seeing young women
over and over again with thesame kinds of stories, the same
sorts of struggles, meeting thesame kind of guys, having the
(15:38):
same kind of challenges andmaking the same mistakes.
So it started to feel like Iwas having very similar
conversations with like hundredsof women And I almost wanted to
develop a handbook like here.
If you're going to date here,read this first.
and here are some things youcan avoid.
Here are some things I wouldrecommend just to make your life
(16:00):
easier.
So let's say, for instance, iwould see a lot of women having
sex with a guy pretty early on,thinking this will accelerate
our relationship.
Once I have sex with him, thenwe'll be more likely to become a
couple and be official becausewe've had sex already.
(16:25):
I think that that is perhapsjust a thought that they had And
that isn't necessarilyconducive to the longevity of
this relationship.
In fact, in my very smallsample size I've seen it
actually be counterproductive toa relationship developing
Almost as though that emotionalintimacy piece came too quickly
(16:46):
and outpaced the other pieces ofthe relationship being able to
develop.
Yeah, sure?
Speaker 1 (16:55):
No, I can see that in a way.
that's communication.
If you decide to have sex withsomebody at any point, you're
communicating whatever thatmeans to you, but that doesn't
mean you're getting that samecommunication back.
What do you say?
Am I on the right wavelength?
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Yeah, I think so, And also maybe not being clear
about what you need, what your Icall them must-haves and deal
breakers.
Thinking about what it is youneed in a relationship that's
non-negotiable and what are thethings you?
will absolutely not tolerate ina relationship, and you'd be
surprised how many women don'tgive much thought to that.
(17:36):
They're swiping and the onlything they're going on is how
photogenic this guy is, or?
Speaker 1 (17:42):
what he looks like with his shirt off?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
And, in the end, what are the things that are most
important to you, and have youstopped to consider what you're
looking for?
and how are you gauging thatfrom a picture on an app?
Speaker 1 (17:55):
How deeply.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Are you looking at this person and who?
they are And what if a guy isnot that photogenic or doesn't?
meet your height requirement oranother requirement, or another
kind of perhaps moresuperficial vetting tool that
you've put in place.
Are you giving those guys achance?
I think it's really importantto have a sense about what you
(18:21):
really need in a person and whatthe Negotiables are.
Also, you know, height is onethat I hear all the time.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Well, he's got to be at least four inches taller than
.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Oh, well the time, and I said well, okay but if we?
were to put height next totrustworthy or loyal or
Hard-working, or solutionallysupportive.
I mean, where does it rank, youknow?
yeah and sometimes women,haven't really stopped to
consider that.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Mm-hmm.
But, I think you need to.
I think you need to.
Funny, you say you knowmust-haves and deal breakers.
It reminds me of buying a house.
We know this.
Yeah, you have.
You have the samequalifications, but it's much
easier To think long termbecause you're like well, i'm
gonna be staying in this housefor the next 20 years, so, yeah,
(19:10):
this is a deal breaker.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Yeah, it's a same idea, though you know like for
me a mudrow was like a Be, sonice, i could live without it.
But it would be nice.
I never got one, but it wouldhave been nice, but I didn't
have to have a mudrow.
You need to consider what arethose things that you know.
They're the aqua them a nice tohave there.
They're not deal breakers andthey're not absolute must-haves,
(19:34):
they're just maybe it'll benice if he was four inches
taller than I.
But yeah, ultimately is that,is that at the top of the list?
Because, because I do have womenmake these lists and then I
have them put them in order ofimportance to kind of really get
clear about What they want,because what often happens to
even if, let's say, a woman hasa clearer sense of what she's
(19:57):
looking for, sometimes shedoesn't want to to scare away a
prospect and so she can kind ofpretend that she's okay with,
you know, maybe behavior She'snot okay with or a guy that
she's really not that compatiblewith, especially if she feels
like Time is a ticking and Ireally want it to be married by
(20:22):
now.
So I can't too choosy, and Yeah, then it can get a little
tougher.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, i can see that.
Let's take a quick break.
We're talking with Elise FridaCologne, expert in helping
people lead the life They want.
If you're enjoying the show,follow us on Instagram or
Facebook, or handle is at savvycommunicator communicatorcom.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to the savvycommunicator podcast.
(21:02):
We have with us Elise FridaCologne, licensed therapist and
expert in teaching people tolive the life they want.
And, elise, one of thequestions that I have for you,
or what are some tips that Thatyou can give us through your
experience for people Whenstarting to date or they're
starting to want a relationship,communication tips that you
(21:23):
would recommend?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
I Think that people getting okay with being clear
and direct in asking for whatthey want is.
Really important and that, ifyou are someone who is not used
to that, it's going to feeluncomfortable and that's okay.
(21:44):
You can survive it.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
But being clear and not leaving a lot of room for
miscommunication or I think issuper important mm-hmm, why do
you think we we dance aroundthat so much and and we Try not
to be direct and we try to.
You know, i remember when I wasdating and so often I would
(22:07):
just try to imply things that Iassumed they would automatically
pick up on and they didn't.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
I think it's a million things.
I think it's fear of being seenas Needy, clingy, bossy, bitchy
, i mean, you know.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
However someone chooses to see it.
I think there's some fear withwomen as taking space of owning
who they are and what theirneeds are.
People are say things like Idon't want to rock the boat, or
I just want to keep the peace,and so they will Swallow their
(22:45):
resentment and just to do theeasy thing in the moment, not
realizing that.
Okay, so you've kept the peacefor the moment, but what you
really done is started at aresentment bank that you are
making regular deposit yeah,mm-hmm.
And that it, it just continuesto build and You're kidding
(23:07):
yourself if you think thatyou're just letting that go
because that comes out rightcommunications.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Yeah, but just verbal so yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
I'm not suggesting that you make a big deal over
everything, but sometimes youyou know you need to pick your
battles, but sometimes you needto have a battle or you need to
have a fright and say, hey, waita second.
I'm not okay with this.
This is something we need totalk about and Sort of clear the
air, nip it in the bud and moveforward where everyone is on
the same page, instead of justBeing quiet just to keep things
(23:39):
peaceful.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
I know I'm gonna ask this,although I think you've already
answered it.
If you talk about top issuesthat you see a lot of the time,
what would you say?
some of the top issues are, iknow you you've mentioned, you
know, being nice and wanting toavoid conflict.
So, top issues in terms ofcommunication?
Speaker 2 (24:02):
in terms of communication, yeah, Well, as I
said before that though, themind reading thing is a big one.
Not being clear about what youknow, what you want fear of
being judged in asking for whatyou want, or being clear about
what your needs are.
Not wanting to make waves.
Yeah and the fear of conflict isis a thing, really is a thing.
(24:26):
People have a hard time beinguncomfortable or having an
uncomfortable conversation,especially if they grew up in a
house where Sometimes, if it wasvery high conflicts it can be
hard, or if there was noconflict It's far into that.
Yeah and so maybe they werenever given permission to speak
(24:49):
up to have Thoughts aboutsomething or needs or wants, and
so they just sort of push itaway, i But I think there's
value in being heard, inspeaking your truth and trusting
that the person you are withwill receive that Hopefully.
(25:10):
hopefully, the person willreceive it and will to help you
in that, whether it's somethingthat they do or you know that
because ideally that's what youwanted a partner.
They care about how you feeland if you are upset about
something and bring it to them.
They want to hear about it, andif they don't, then you have a
whole other problem.
Then you come to the stopdating asshole school.
(25:31):
Your partner should care ifyou're upset about something.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Yeah, absolutely, And that can be hard to see.
It can be hard to see and hardto know.
I've certainly been there whereit's just like I don't like
this, So maybe I'll ignore it.
I can be a huge.
If I ignore this, it'll go away.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Yes, right, magical thinking And also, i think, that
sometimes and again I work withsome men, but more so women
sometimes feel like am I allowedto feel this way?
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Am I allowed to?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Is this even okay?
Is this even reasonable?
And they doubt their own rightreally to have feelings about
something, and so they don'tspeak up because they just don't
feel like they can Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
So a lot of times people feel that if you call
somebody on their crap or theirbehavior, that it opens the door
to conflict, which is bad.
And you really look at conflictas being bad.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Not necessarily.
I mean again, you're notpicking fights for the sake of
picking fights, but yes, if youneed to.
If there's something hashappened where, let's say, a
couple and a woman feels asthough her husband has
undermined her with the kid, isaid he couldn't go to his
(26:56):
friend's house, and then youcame in and said, no, it's okay,
you can go.
That's an issue that needs tobe addressed, right?
And so someone who's a littlemore conflict-averse might say
well, don't, it's not such a bigdeal.
All right, it's not a big deal.
I'm just not going to sayanything because I don't want to
start something.
Okay, but you have avoided aconflict in the short term, but
(27:18):
ultimately, long term, have younow set the stage for this
undermining to become a?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
pattern right.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
You have not used your voice and expressed how you
felt and said clearly what youwant to see happen, Looking
forward?
what if you were to say, hey, Iwant to talk to you about this.
I really didn't like how thatwent down.
I didn't like that.
You undermined me in front ofour child.
If you have a difference ofopinion about something that
(27:47):
I've already told him, in thefuture can we please talk
privately about it and cometogether about how to handle it?
So, going forward, I want us tobe a team and a united front
while we are making decisionsfor our child.
One could say okay, you'reopening the door to conflict.
I would say you are opening thedoor to a discussion that needs
(28:11):
to happen and that is going tobecome a bigger problem if you
do not nip it in the bud.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Right, yeah, i like the term you use about
resentment bank, the idea thatif you don't have a conversation
, if you don't allow yourself tohave a discussion about that,
you're just making a deposit inthe bank So, and pretty soon
it's going to overflow And thenyou won't have as much control
(28:38):
over how you say it or discussit or anything.
It's just going to come pouringout.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
It comes out and communication is not just
talking It comes out in otherways, lots of other ways.
So, those feelings are going toget expressed, whether or not
you have control, and howthey're expressed.
That is something that's up toyou, And it seems to me just
much more practical to deal withit and straight up hey, I
(29:06):
didn't like this, Let's talkabout this and figure out how we
can avoid this kind of conflictor problem in the future.
Seems reasonable to me.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Yes, it does.
I think a lot of people arelike, yeah, it's reasonable, i'm
just not going to do it rightat this minute.
What's the worst thing aboutdoing it?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Right, it's like you know you're in a situation with
the child and so the husbandkind of overrode your decision.
You bring it up.
I'm not happy with this.
What is the fear?
What do you imagine?
the worst-case scenario is inthat discussion.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
Yeah Is bringing that forward for a lot of people.
Does it help?
Does it relieve fears Ifthey're like well, the worst
thing that could happen is webreak up.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, it does, and sometimes you have to look at
that.
What is the worst?
Maybe for some they may say,well, i'm afraid he'll say, well
, i don't care what you said, iget to make the decisions, or
I'm the boss.
What I shouldn't go for, or ifyou don't like it, you can leave
.
I don't know.
Whatever the fear is like, whatis keeping you from using your
(30:12):
voice?
And let's explore that, andsometimes there isn't really a
fear, it's just I just don't dothat.
I'm not comfortable with that,and maybe it's like a muscle
that you haven't exercised in awhile, where you work that
tricep hard and then the nextday it hurts to lift your hand
over your head.
But then it gets easier because, oh OK, now I'm working up and
(30:38):
I'm acclimated into this and youneed to practice.
And I always encourage people.
I always encourage my clientsto use their voice if they're
new to this in low stakessituations.
Right Things that areinconsequential, that maybe you
would have just let goRegardless in your relationship
(30:59):
out in the world.
If the coffee order you got waswrong, just say I'm not going
to bother anybody, I'll just no.
Say this isn't what I ordered,would you please?
add cream or an extra sugar,whatever it is.
Use your voice any opportunityyou can to practice Taking up a
(31:23):
little space, and I think thatonce you get a little bit more
comfortable with that, you canthen expand that out into other
areas of your life, whetherthat's work or your
relationships, so forth.
I highly recommend that peoplecommunicate, use your voice,
speak your mind, be kind, clearand direct.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Well, elise, it's just been fantastic to have you
and your expert advice heretoday.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you so very much.
I love this.
I'm so glad I've had afantastic time.
Thank you to our audience.
Go to wwwsavvycommunicatorcomto become part of the
conversation yourself.
Join our forum and you can askquestions that we will get back
(32:08):
to Elise, or you can simplyconnect with other members.
All the links will be in theshow notes.
I'm your host, amy Flanagan.
See you next time.
Hello and welcome to the Savvy Communicator Podcast.
I'm your host, amy Flanigan.
On today's episode, we're goingto unpack a big question How do
you live the life you want?
This is a place where wediscuss all things communication
, facial expressions, bodylanguage and, most importantly,
(00:24):
how to talk when you're not surewhat to say.
My expert guest today is EliseFrida-Cologne, a therapist who
specializes in helping peoplelive the life they want.
Elise is a therapist in privatepractice in New York, a dating
coach for women who are tired ofdating assholes, and a coach
for people pleasing women whospend way too much time lying
(00:45):
awake at night worrying aboutall the what-ifs.
She is an avid indoor cyclingfanatic, an organizing guru who
loves nothing more than cleaningout a closet and loves all
things sparkly.
Elise, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm thrilled to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
I'm so glad to have you here.
I have to say, living the lifeyou want sounds really tempting.
Is that something that'sactually possible?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
A thousand percent possible, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
What do you think gets in our way of living that
life?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
So many things.
The first thing that I think isimportant is for people to
figure out what would that looklike?
So, let's say, in therapy,someone will come in and they
need help.
I want to clarify with themwhat would your life to look
like?
on the other end of this, let'simagine we were wildly
successful.
(01:39):
You walk away from therapysaying, oh my gosh, that was the
greatest thing I've ever done.
Tell me, what does your lifelook like?
How do we know we weresuccessful, whether that's goal
setting, wanting to changebehaviors, that you're engaged
in, change relationships, career, whatever it is.
So first being able to figureout what do I want my life to
(02:00):
look like, and then we takesteps.
How are we going to get youthere?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
That sounds really interesting, because I think a
lot of people and I certainly do.
if I'm looking at any kind ofproblem, the first thing I'll do
is see the problem itself andbe like well, in order to
achieve this, i have to do allthese things first And not look
at the end product where I saybut you know what?
this is what I really want todo.
It's not about moving this rock, it's about stepping around it.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
Absolutely stepping around it.
What are the work around?
And let's not talk about whyyou can't.
Let's talk about how you can,in spite of whatever obstacles
you might have, because everyonehas obstacles.
It doesn't mean you can't getwhere you want to be.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
That's good, that's reassuring.
So what's a big communicationissue that you see in your work?
Because a lot of times, youknow, i find that communication
can be the issue, whether it'scommunication with you, whether
it's communication with otherpeople.
Is there a pattern that you see, or is it all kinds of
everything?
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Well, it's all kinds of everything and there are
patterns that I say.
One thing that I see a lot outis people expecting others
usually their significant other,loved ones to read their mind,
so feeling like if they reallyloved me, if they really knew me
, they would know to do that, iwouldn't have to ask.
(03:23):
And so they don't get what theywant.
They silently speak about it,build up that resentment thing
while not clearly communicatingwhat it is that they want,
because they should know what Iwant.
And sometimes clear and directis just the easier approach that
(03:46):
gets you the results you'relooking for.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Yeah, I've definitely been on both sides of that
equation where sometimes justyou think everything's going
along just fine And then someoneexplodes and says well, you
know A, B, C, D and E, youdidn't do this, You don't
understand me, etc.
And I've been on the other sideof it where it's just like well
, this is so obvious, How cananybody miss that I'm, this is
(04:12):
what I need and what I'm tryingto do.
Obviously they're trying toignore me, And yeah.
So I say, both of those arereally hard.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
But sometimes if you can just let go of that idea
that you have, that I shouldn'thave to ask, or they should know
to do.
Okay, yeah, sure you can makean argument for that, but if you
find that you're repeatedlyupset about the same kind of
thing, speak up.
You know, i always think ofthis example of when my kids
(04:43):
were younger.
I like things, as you can tell,by the closet organizing.
I like things neat and cleanand organized.
And when I am in a clutteredsituation I can't think straight
.
And so if I would come home fromwork and there was crap
everywhere, i like, feel it inmy body and my shoulder and I
can't think and I'm like, and Iwould be grouchy walking in the
(05:04):
door like I come home to thistornado And I would just
silently be pissed about it,like are you kidding me?
I've been at work with it.
You couldn't just straighten upa little bit?
But when I had thatconversation with my husband,
like look, i know you don'treally care about them, it makes
me nuts.
If you could just make surethat, like some stuff is put
away, it just makes mytransition to home so much
(05:26):
easier.
Oh, sure, no problem.
And then it was done forevermore right.
I was thinking, well, he shouldwant to do it or he should know
how I am.
But really all it took wascould you please do this?
And he said absolutely, yeah,no.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I get that completely , because my husband feels that
way, in that he's very preciseabout where things need to go
And I'm sort of like theTasmanian devil and I don't see
what's around.
And so finally he's like do yousee these things here, if they
(06:04):
could go?
and for a while we didn't talkabout it And he was just buying
me organizational bins andthings that you know, hinting
pot lids and that, yes, he'slike look, i got this wonderful
thing for you.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Wouldn't your kids look better in?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
this than over there?
Yes, exactly, and finally hehad to say you know, it doesn't
just bother me, like you said,it gets into my bones when
things are not in the rightplace.
And you try to put some thingsin the right place, nice and
well.
Yes, i'll absolutely try.
(06:40):
I don't promise to be perfectabout that, but we'll see.
And you know, and we came to agood compromise on it, but we
finally had to sit down and talkabout it and be direct, and I
think that's so hard sometimes.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
It is hard because you I mean, you know, mostly you
don't want to hurt the otherperson's feelings.
And I'll say my husband listensto this, Oh, he won't care,
He's like the bed made every dayright.
And he is the last one in thebedroom.
He I wish it if the bed is made, but he knows that it makes me
happy, so he I always smile whenI walk in and I see that he has
(07:15):
, quote, made the bed.
He tries, but you know, if youpull the everything's like
rumbled in it.
it's not the way I would makethe bed.
But the fact that he does itfor the sole purpose of making
me happy.
That's enough, Right.
He's crying, and he's not afantastic bedmaker, but the
(07:36):
effort is maybe even moreimportant than the result of the
bed being made.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
Yes, yeah, exactly.
Do you see people putting moreeffort into the process of the
date itself and less into thecommunication or the long term
of what you're looking for, like?
when I think of a date, i thinkof you know, getting ready and
going and being bubbly and funand asking interesting questions
(08:06):
, and that it sort of ends whenthe date ends And then all of a
sudden I don't really know whathappened.
Does that?
Speaker 2 (08:14):
make sense?
Yes, it does.
Yeah, almost like putting on ashow, right?
Speaker 1 (08:20):
You know it's like birds that you know, fly their
plumage and everything, and youthink, well, this is all I need
to do, probably they'llunderstand all the things about
me.
I mean, i'm not going to askthat or anything, Right?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
I think that what I see a lot of people doing when
dating that I think is a misstepis listening to words at the
expense of paying attention toactions, going into a date
invested in the outcomes andagain listening to words.
(08:56):
I think back two years ago,talking to a woman who see, when
I work with someone and theyhave their relationship is not
going well, i always want toknow they're not, let's say, a
bad relationship or highconflicts.
I always want to know when didyou first notice this as an
issue?
And the answer is neveryesterday.
(09:16):
It is on our first date beforewe got married.
It's generally a long standingthing that, for whatever reason,
let's say in this case, a womanhas kind of pushed away or like
well, maybe I can be okay withthat, or maybe it's not a big
deal, because they want therelationship to work.
And I remember said on thefirst date she said to me don't
(09:43):
get involved with me, i willonly break your heart.
And what did she do?
She said oh, you don't takeyour way on.
That's so silly Right.
I mean talk about a straight up.
Here's the truth.
I'm going to say it to you.
She didn't hear it, she didn'twant to believe that And
(10:03):
ultimately that's what ended uphappening.
But paying attention tobehavior, i think, is so
important, because people cansay anything, they can promise
you anything.
Do the actions line up?
Is there a consistency betweenthe words and the actions, and
if not, i say that that wordsare always less important than
(10:27):
the actions.
Pay attention.
What does he do Not, what doeshe say?
Speaker 1 (10:32):
That makes sense.
Yes, it does.
I think that a lot of peopleplay that kind of I'm bad news.
You shouldn't get involved inme in the hopes that they will
get chased, in the hopes thatsomebody will say yes, you are
worth it.
Yes, of course you know.
No, i won't believe thatbecause there is good in you, or
(10:53):
?
Speaker 2 (10:54):
whatever.
Speaker 1 (10:55):
And movies and TV certainly underscore that it's
possible to change somebody.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah, no, it is, no, it is Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
No, people are generally happy with who they
are, or they would make change.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
You know, i'm a therapist and I have people who
come here and they pay moneyweekly and sit on this couch and
they're working their asses offto change and it's still hard.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
So I always tell people.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
if you think someone is magically going to change,
you are kidding yourself,because change is possible, but
it takes a lot of work andcommitment.
It doesn't just happen.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
You know same thing.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
People are in a relationship and break up and
then, over time, the feelingsoftened.
Maybe we should get back, maybedifferent now.
Why?
What would be different now?
What has changed?
Right, right, this provision ishistory And what usually
happens is you get back togetherand not too long after it's
like oh, i remember why I brokeup with this guy.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Yeah, i remember watching some TV show once and
they talked about is it during arelationship, every time the
person does something to annoyyou, you should write it down
and keep it in a diary so thatwhen you break up, you can go
back and read all of thosethings again, You know what's
funny is that I have used thatas kind of an assignment for
people throughout the years, notas they're dating, but more so,
(12:17):
you know, coming out of arelationship that has not served
them well, whether it was let's
Speaker 2 (12:23):
say abusive or emotionally abusive.
I want you to write a list ofevery terrible thing he ever
said to you, and not to tortureyourself, but to fold up and put
away in the event that you everforget about that and say, well
, maybe it'll be different thistime.
That is your logical self onthat piece of paper talking to
(12:48):
your wavering self who'sthinking is this the person that
you want to be with?
who said these things to you ordid these things to you?
I think it's a great exercise.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, and that's sort of communicating with yourself,
i guess, being there at thebeginning so that you can
remember later on that you'retelling yourself, you're
reminding yourself, and I thinka lot of times we don't
communicate with ourselves.
I have certainly been in thatsituation where it's like I'm
not going to think about it, i'mjust going to assume it's going
to get better and not open myeyes until it's better, and then
(13:22):
you end up walking around along time with your eyes closed
to something.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
But when you say I'm just going to assume it's going
to get better, i'll say be asomewhat evidence.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
What evidence.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Do you have to support the idea that this is
going to get better?
I'm going to get better.
Let me hear it.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Yeah, and a lot of times you don't have it.
If it's hope, I mean, that'snot a plan, Right?
Yeah, it's just like well, Iwant it to happen.
Okay, well, that's nice.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
Yes.
I don't know that's going towork out for you, let me see the
evidence right.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
Same thing where you know, let's say, a woman is in a
relationship and she's reallyunhappy with some of the stuff
that the man is doing And she'she's working on it.
He's good, working on it, okay.
Well, how is he working?
Well, he's working on it, okay.
But like, how, what is he doingto work on it?
Saying I'm working on it is notwork.
That's not a thing, Those arejust words.
(14:21):
What evidence, do you see?
Because if someone is knockingthemselves out to improve on
something, you're going to seeevidence of that.
You're going to see they'rereally making an effort, Like
making the bed.
That's an example, right, It'sa, it's a kind of tangible thing
that says here I don't careabout this that much, but I know
you do And I'm going to do thisbecause you.
(14:42):
It's important to you.
That is kind of what I'mtalking about with evidence.
Obviously That's not a greatthing, but you get this So no,
that's a great example.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
That is like you said it's tangible, it's visible,
it's right there.
Might not be perfect, but it'schanging Absolutely So.
So you teach women how not todate And asshole, which I think
is the best title I have heardin a long time.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Thank you very much.
Thank you Tell me about that.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Tell me what that's like.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Well, i found.
So.
My therapy practice is in NewYork and I found over.
I've been doing this a verylong time, longer than I care to
admit.
But I've had over the yearsthat I was seeing young women
over and over again with thesame kinds of stories, the same
sorts of struggles, meeting thesame kind of guys, having the
(15:38):
same kind of challenges andmaking the same mistakes.
So it started to feel like Iwas having very similar
conversations with like hundredsof women And I almost wanted to
develop a handbook like here.
If you're going to date here,read this first.
and here are some things youcan avoid.
Here are some things I wouldrecommend just to make your life
(16:00):
easier.
So let's say, for instance, iwould see a lot of women having
sex with a guy pretty early on,thinking this will accelerate
our relationship.
Once I have sex with him, thenwe'll be more likely to become a
couple and be official becausewe've had sex already.
(16:25):
I think that that is perhapsjust a thought that they had And
that isn't necessarilyconducive to the longevity of
this relationship.
In fact, in my very smallsample size I've seen it
actually be counterproductive toa relationship developing
Almost as though that emotionalintimacy piece came too quickly
(16:46):
and outpaced the other pieces ofthe relationship being able to
develop.
Yeah, sure?
Speaker 1 (16:55):
No, I can see that in a way.
that's communication.
If you decide to have sex withsomebody at any point, you're
communicating whatever thatmeans to you, but that doesn't
mean you're getting that samecommunication back.
What do you say?
Am I on the right wavelength?
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Yeah, I think so, And also maybe not being clear
about what you need, what your Icall them must-haves and deal
breakers.
Thinking about what it is youneed in a relationship that's
non-negotiable and what are thethings you?
will absolutely not tolerate ina relationship, and you'd be
surprised how many women don'tgive much thought to that.
(17:36):
They're swiping and the onlything they're going on is how
photogenic this guy is, or?
Speaker 1 (17:42):
what he looks like with his shirt off?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
And, in the end, what are the things that are most
important to you, and have youstopped to consider what you're
looking for?
and how are you gauging thatfrom a picture on an app?
Speaker 1 (17:55):
How deeply.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
Are you looking at this person and who?
they are And what if a guy isnot that photogenic or doesn't?
meet your height requirement oranother requirement, or another
kind of perhaps moresuperficial vetting tool that
you've put in place.
Are you giving those guys achance?
I think it's really importantto have a sense about what you
(18:21):
really need in a person and whatthe Negotiables are.
Also, you know, height is onethat I hear all the time.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Well, he's got to be at least four inches taller than
.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Oh, well the time, and I said well, okay but if we?
were to put height next totrustworthy or loyal or
Hard-working, or solutionallysupportive.
I mean, where does it rank, youknow?
yeah and sometimes women,haven't really stopped to
consider that.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Mm-hmm.
But, I think you need to.
I think you need to.
Funny, you say you knowmust-haves and deal breakers.
It reminds me of buying a house.
We know this.
Yeah, you have.
You have the samequalifications, but it's much
easier To think long termbecause you're like well, i'm
gonna be staying in this housefor the next 20 years, so, yeah,
(19:10):
this is a deal breaker.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Yeah, it's a same idea, though you know like for
me a mudrow was like a Be, sonice, i could live without it.
But it would be nice.
I never got one, but it wouldhave been nice, but I didn't
have to have a mudrow.
You need to consider what arethose things that you know.
They're the aqua them a nice tohave there.
They're not deal breakers andthey're not absolute must-haves,
(19:34):
they're just maybe it'll benice if he was four inches
taller than I.
But yeah, ultimately is that,is that at the top of the list?
Because, because I do have womenmake these lists and then I
have them put them in order ofimportance to kind of really get
clear about What they want,because what often happens to
even if, let's say, a woman hasa clearer sense of what she's
(19:57):
looking for, sometimes shedoesn't want to to scare away a
prospect and so she can kind ofpretend that she's okay with,
you know, maybe behavior She'snot okay with or a guy that
she's really not that compatiblewith, especially if she feels
like Time is a ticking and Ireally want it to be married by
(20:22):
now.
So I can't too choosy, and Yeah, then it can get a little
tougher.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, i can see that.
Let's take a quick break.
We're talking with Elise FridaCologne, expert in helping
people lead the life They want.
If you're enjoying the show,follow us on Instagram or
Facebook, or handle is at savvycommunicator communicatorcom.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to the savvycommunicator podcast.
(21:02):
We have with us Elise FridaCologne, licensed therapist and
expert in teaching people tolive the life they want.
And, elise, one of thequestions that I have for you,
or what are some tips that Thatyou can give us through your
experience for people Whenstarting to date or they're
starting to want a relationship,communication tips that you
(21:23):
would recommend?
Speaker 2 (21:23):
I Think that people getting okay with being clear
and direct in asking for whatthey want is.
Really important and that, ifyou are someone who is not used
to that, it's going to feeluncomfortable and that's okay.
(21:44):
You can survive it.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
But being clear and not leaving a lot of room for
miscommunication or I think issuper important mm-hmm, why do
you think we we dance aroundthat so much and and we Try not
to be direct and we try to.
You know, i remember when I wasdating and so often I would
(22:07):
just try to imply things that Iassumed they would automatically
pick up on and they didn't.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
I think it's a million things.
I think it's fear of being seenas Needy, clingy, bossy, bitchy
, i mean, you know.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
However someone chooses to see it.
I think there's some fear withwomen as taking space of owning
who they are and what theirneeds are.
People are say things like Idon't want to rock the boat, or
I just want to keep the peace,and so they will Swallow their
(22:45):
resentment and just to do theeasy thing in the moment, not
realizing that.
Okay, so you've kept the peacefor the moment, but what you
really done is started at aresentment bank that you are
making regular deposit yeah,mm-hmm.
And that it, it just continuesto build and You're kidding
(23:07):
yourself if you think thatyou're just letting that go
because that comes out rightcommunications.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
Yeah, but just verbal so yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
I'm not suggesting that you make a big deal over
everything, but sometimes youyou know you need to pick your
battles, but sometimes you needto have a battle or you need to
have a fright and say, hey, waita second.
I'm not okay with this.
This is something we need totalk about and Sort of clear the
air, nip it in the bud and moveforward where everyone is on
the same page, instead of justBeing quiet just to keep things
(23:39):
peaceful.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
I know I'm gonna ask this,although I think you've already
answered it.
If you talk about top issuesthat you see a lot of the time,
what would you say?
some of the top issues are, iknow you you've mentioned, you
know, being nice and wanting toavoid conflict.
So, top issues in terms ofcommunication?
Speaker 2 (24:02):
in terms of communication, yeah, Well, as I
said before that though, themind reading thing is a big one.
Not being clear about what youknow, what you want fear of
being judged in asking for whatyou want, or being clear about
what your needs are.
Not wanting to make waves.
Yeah and the fear of conflict isis a thing, really is a thing.
(24:26):
People have a hard time beinguncomfortable or having an
uncomfortable conversation,especially if they grew up in a
house where Sometimes, if it wasvery high conflicts it can be
hard, or if there was noconflict It's far into that.
Yeah and so maybe they werenever given permission to speak
(24:49):
up to have Thoughts aboutsomething or needs or wants, and
so they just sort of push itaway, i But I think there's
value in being heard, inspeaking your truth and trusting
that the person you are withwill receive that Hopefully.
(25:10):
hopefully, the person willreceive it and will to help you
in that, whether it's somethingthat they do or you know that
because ideally that's what youwanted a partner.
They care about how you feeland if you are upset about
something and bring it to them.
They want to hear about it, andif they don't, then you have a
whole other problem.
Then you come to the stopdating asshole school.
(25:31):
Your partner should care ifyou're upset about something.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
Yeah, absolutely, And that can be hard to see.
It can be hard to see and hardto know.
I've certainly been there whereit's just like I don't like
this, So maybe I'll ignore it.
I can be a huge.
If I ignore this, it'll go away.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Yes, right, magical thinking And also, i think, that
sometimes and again I work withsome men, but more so women
sometimes feel like am I allowedto feel this way?
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Am I allowed to?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Is this even okay?
Is this even reasonable?
And they doubt their own rightreally to have feelings about
something, and so they don'tspeak up because they just don't
feel like they can Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
So a lot of times people feel that if you call
somebody on their crap or theirbehavior, that it opens the door
to conflict, which is bad.
And you really look at conflictas being bad.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Not necessarily.
I mean again, you're notpicking fights for the sake of
picking fights, but yes, if youneed to.
If there's something hashappened where, let's say, a
couple and a woman feels asthough her husband has
undermined her with the kid, isaid he couldn't go to his
(26:56):
friend's house, and then youcame in and said, no, it's okay,
you can go.
That's an issue that needs tobe addressed, right?
And so someone who's a littlemore conflict-averse might say
well, don't, it's not such a bigdeal.
All right, it's not a big deal.
I'm just not going to sayanything because I don't want to
start something.
Okay, but you have avoided aconflict in the short term, but
(27:18):
ultimately, long term, have younow set the stage for this
undermining to become a?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
pattern right.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
You have not used your voice and expressed how you
felt and said clearly what youwant to see happen, Looking
forward?
what if you were to say, hey, Iwant to talk to you about this.
I really didn't like how thatwent down.
I didn't like that.
You undermined me in front ofour child.
If you have a difference ofopinion about something that
(27:47):
I've already told him, in thefuture can we please talk
privately about it and cometogether about how to handle it?
So, going forward, I want us tobe a team and a united front
while we are making decisionsfor our child.
One could say okay, you'reopening the door to conflict.
I would say you are opening thedoor to a discussion that needs
(28:11):
to happen and that is going tobecome a bigger problem if you
do not nip it in the bud.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Right, yeah, i like the term you use about
resentment bank, the idea thatif you don't have a conversation
, if you don't allow yourself tohave a discussion about that,
you're just making a deposit inthe bank So, and pretty soon
it's going to overflow And thenyou won't have as much control
(28:38):
over how you say it or discussit or anything.
It's just going to come pouringout.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
It comes out and communication is not just
talking It comes out in otherways, lots of other ways.
So, those feelings are going toget expressed, whether or not
you have control, and howthey're expressed.
That is something that's up toyou, And it seems to me just
much more practical to deal withit and straight up hey, I
(29:06):
didn't like this, Let's talkabout this and figure out how we
can avoid this kind of conflictor problem in the future.
Seems reasonable to me.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Yes, it does.
I think a lot of people arelike, yeah, it's reasonable, i'm
just not going to do it rightat this minute.
What's the worst thing aboutdoing it?
Speaker 2 (29:25):
Right, it's like you know you're in a situation with
the child and so the husbandkind of overrode your decision.
You bring it up.
I'm not happy with this.
What is the fear?
What do you imagine?
the worst-case scenario is inthat discussion.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
Yeah Is bringing that forward for a lot of people.
Does it help?
Does it relieve fears Ifthey're like well, the worst
thing that could happen is webreak up.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, it does, and sometimes you have to look at
that.
What is the worst?
Maybe for some they may say,well, i'm afraid he'll say, well
, i don't care what you said, iget to make the decisions, or
I'm the boss.
What I shouldn't go for, or ifyou don't like it, you can leave
.
I don't know.
Whatever the fear is like, whatis keeping you from using your
(30:12):
voice?
And let's explore that, andsometimes there isn't really a
fear, it's just I just don't dothat.
I'm not comfortable with that,and maybe it's like a muscle
that you haven't exercised in awhile, where you work that
tricep hard and then the nextday it hurts to lift your hand
over your head.
But then it gets easier because, oh OK, now I'm working up and
(30:38):
I'm acclimated into this and youneed to practice.
And I always encourage people.
I always encourage my clientsto use their voice if they're
new to this in low stakessituations.
Right Things that areinconsequential, that maybe you
would have just let goRegardless in your relationship
(30:59):
out in the world.
If the coffee order you got waswrong, just say I'm not going
to bother anybody, I'll just no.
Say this isn't what I ordered,would you please?
add cream or an extra sugar,whatever it is.
Use your voice any opportunityyou can to practice Taking up a
(31:23):
little space, and I think thatonce you get a little bit more
comfortable with that, you canthen expand that out into other
areas of your life, whetherthat's work or your
relationships, so forth.
I highly recommend that peoplecommunicate, use your voice,
speak your mind, be kind, clearand direct.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Well, elise, it's just been fantastic to have you
and your expert advice heretoday.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you so very much.
I love this.
I'm so glad I've had afantastic time.
Thank you to our audience.
Go to wwwsavvycommunicatorcomto become part of the
conversation yourself.
Join our forum and you can askquestions that we will get back
(32:08):
to Elise, or you can simplyconnect with other members.
All the links will be in theshow notes.
I'm your host, amy Flanagan.
See you next time.
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