August 5, 2023 • 32 mins
What if you could carve a boundary so firm between your work and personal life that they never bleed into each other? Imagine how liberating it would feel to say 'no' without guilt. With our guest, boundary coach Emma Roy, we explore this very concept and the crucial role it plays in our lives.
The conversation takes an interesting turn as we uncover practical ways to establish a healthy work-life balance. Emma reveals some great tips to manage emotions while creating these boundaries. Learn how to make your home a workplace without letting work invade your personal space. The discussion also touches upon the generational impact of overworking and the need to mindfully set boundaries. Let Emma guide you on this journey towards a balanced life, equipped with the tools and insights that will empower you to protect your peace.
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi and welcome to the Savvy Communicator podcast.
I'm your host, amy Flanagan.
Today's topic is a solid onehow do you set a boundary?
My guest today is Emma RoyBoundary Coach.
Emma, thank you so much forbeing on the show today.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello, thank you so much for having me.
I'm very excited.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
I'm really excited too, because we were talking
before and I was saying that Ithink setting boundaries is one
of the things that probably ismost important in life and one
of the things that we areactively told not to enforce, a
lot of times because it seemsunkind.
Tell me a little bit about howyou became a boundary coach.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, it's a good story and I think everybody
intends that.
It's like oh, I had this bigmoment where I have no
boundaries, which to an extentit kind of is like that, but
obviously for me it was just alot of little things over a long
period of time that kind of ledto my own journey with
(01:08):
realizing that I had really noboundaries.
I had really crappy boundariesand I think it came to a point
when I was back in universityand I had a family member who
had passed away and the funeralended up being the same day that
this event that I was helpingto organize was on and I made
(01:30):
the decision that for me it wasmost important to go to the
funeral and I felt reprimandedfor making that decision.
Wow, yeah, so that made merealize I felt reprimanded, I
felt really guilty oh, mygoodness, the amount of guilt
and I bent over backwardsleading up the event, trying to
get everything done that I couldget done for it, so that it
(01:52):
just felt really good and I waslike, oh, it'll be fine, they
can handle it, without realizingthat what ultimately should
have happened is I should haveput myself first.
And like you know I'm going tothis funeral.
Yeah, that's it.
I was all that needed to happen, but I ended up breaking my
back, trying to please everybodyand realizing that myself and,
(02:17):
ultimately, my relationship withthis person who had passed
suffered because of that.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Oh, that's rough.
That's rough, but I think youknow you're so right in that a
lot of times we do bend overbackwards for a lot of reasons
and still feel guilty, stillfeel like we haven't done enough
.
Yeah, why do you think that is?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Probably because we're taught and I am
specifically women, I'll get itSpecifically women we're taught
that no is aggressive and that'snot necessarily a good thing.
But we're also taught like doingthings for other people makes
us good, like that we're a goodperson for doing things for
other people or putting theneeds of other people before
(03:06):
ourselves.
I mean that's like lesson oneon when you're raising kids is
to think about other people, bekind and courteous.
But oftentimes there's no stopgap.
It's like be kind and courteousto everyone, but then it's like
, okay, but at what point do Ihave nothing left to give to be
(03:31):
kind and courteous to everybodyelse?
And then you end up in asituation where you're worn out
and you're bitter and you'reresentful and overwhelmed.
And I don't think it's notactively taught, it's not a
school.
There's no social, emotionalclass in school.
It's just sort of school as awhole is supposed to teach you.
And then you have to rely andhope that your parents have
(03:54):
enough of an emotionalintelligence to be able to have
and hold those conversationswith you.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, I don't have children myself, but I have a
lot of friends who are parentsnow and it's really it's
interesting and it'sdisconcerting and it's
fascinating to watch them teachtheir children about boundaries
in a way that I was not taughtgrowing up, in terms of like,
you don't have to hug somebodyif you don't want to, you don't
(04:24):
have to say okay if you don'twant to.
Well, there are certain thingsthat you have to do, but if it's
a little friend or somethingthat it's all right to say no,
this hurts me, no, I don't wantto go over there.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And yeah, it is fascinating, but at the same
time, like I said, I can't thinkof a better word than
disconcerting because, they'relike oh, that's normal, yeah,
right, yeah, we weren't taughtthat at all, it was you know,
you think about it and it waslike you hug all of your aunts
and uncles, despite the weirdfeeling that, my uncles might
(04:59):
give you, and I mean, we weretaught strange or danger, but
that's not the same.
That's not the same thing,because it's like it can't.
You know boundaries and familysettings and things like that,
like families don't setboundaries with one another,
because then it's not family.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Sure, yeah, I can remember I had this uncle
growing up who used to pinch mycheeks and you know all of my
cousins cheeks.
We called him the pincher, andyou know, and you would get to
the point where you didn't wantto go over to him and you know,
but all I could think of was thepain of getting my cheeks
pinched and that's just what youdid, like you've been saying.
(05:38):
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, so a thousand littleboundary violations are what got
you towards being a boundarycoach, and I think that's such a
fascinating thing to be and itmust be very fulfilling.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
It is I went to school for social work, so
there's always a little bit oflike social work, helping other
people, like thread in my lifeand I've always felt called
towards that, I think withboundary coaching and specific.
It's because I know so manywomen that have really bad
boundaries or have no boundariesat all and I got tired of
(06:18):
sitting and having conversationsand laughing off, feeling
overwhelmed, yeah, and jokingabout the fact that, oh, I'm so
tired and I hated.
The default response was, oh,I'm busy.
Like how are you?
I'm busy.
That's not a response, that'slike a state of being and that's
not a good state of being yeah.
(06:39):
And so I realized that through,like with my background and my
education and social work, andthen my overall passion for just
telling people to know, askthem that there was an
opportunity here to kind of helpa generation that I think was
forgotten a little bit with thebattery setting.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Yeah, that's a really interesting way to put it, but
you're right, there was nothingabout it.
There was nothing about it, no.
So what are some of the verybasic problems that you see?
Are there consistent problems,things that we can all do better
at?
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Yeah, I mean, there definitely are.
One of them is not knowing ourlimits, and I think this comes
up a lot, because I could tellyou that working 72-hour weeks
is not a good thing, but I'mcompletely different than who
you are and how you like tooperate.
(07:37):
So knowing our own limits issomething I think I always every
single client I have.
That's always where we start,because they are trying to
create a life that emulatessomebody else's without
understanding what their ownlimits are.
It's like night owl versusmorning bear.
I'm a morning person.
(07:57):
I love the morning.
I'm like your worst enemy at6am if you are a night owl, but
I work best in the mornings.
I have friends that work bestin the evenings.
But society teaches us that weshould be kind of somewhere in
between in the middle, and sothey're forcing themselves to
create morning routines or setboundaries or do things like
that.
(08:18):
Basically, they're like oh, I'mtrying to turn off work at 5pm,
when really what they should bedoing is not starting work
until 11 and working until 7because that's what's best for
them.
Yes, so understanding ourlimits in the sense of what are
we willing to do and what aren'twe willing to do there could be
a little bit more clarificationaround those things that help
(08:39):
as a guideline for sure.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Well, and I love what you're saying because, again,
it's just another way of puttingyourself first and taking that
time to be like no, no, you know, not, I need to be ready for a
job that works from 9 to 5, butno, I work best this way, so I
should put that first.
Just this just popped into mymind Do you feel that you know,
(09:05):
in the sort of post COVID era,that people are getting better
with boundaries related to work?
Since work changed so muchduring COVID, I feel like it
probably got worse, really, yeahWell.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
I mean imagine the whole work from home movement
was like not a thing, like youwere really lucky to work from
home pre COVID and then all of asudden, we switched on to
working from home and at nopoint, when we went from working
in office to at home, was thereany sort of communication or
(09:41):
teaching about how toeffectively set boundaries while
working from home.
And you're right, a lot ofcompanies.
Just all of a sudden it waslike I don't know that random
day in March it was like we'regoing home for two weeks, see
you back in two weeks.
And nope, I never went back.
I never went back, I neverstepped foot back in that office
(10:02):
.
Yeah, and at no point was thereany sort of communication Like
there was like, oh, don't forgetto do self care.
The world is hard, turn it offfor a little bit, put yourself
first.
But there's no how.
Like how to turn off youroffice when your office is your
bedroom and your kitchen andyour living room, because you
live in a one bedroom apartmentwith your partner and four dogs,
(10:24):
kind of a thing.
Like it got chaotic, and so Ithink what ended up happening is
the separation between work andhome disintegrated and there
was no education on how tobalance that properly.
So you had people showing up toZoom meetings at 8am still in
their pajamas, having justrolled out of bed, not turning
(10:48):
their cameras on.
If you don't want to turn yourcamera on, don't turn your
camera on.
But essentially it's like doingthat, working through their
lunch, sitting at their deskeating their lunch, having no
communication with anybody inthe outside world other than any
sort of Zoom call.
And then you know, all of asudden it's 8 o'clock at night
and they're like quarteringtakeout and then crawling back
into bed just to do it all overagain.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Wow, that's an excellent point.
I didn't think about it thisway.
But my husband I was doingconsulting at the time, so my
schedule was more flexible butmy husband that was his exact
experience and we had adifferent house at this time and
our office was really, reallysmall and he was just jammed in
this office for 12 plus hoursbecause if he wasn't in meetings
(11:31):
he was on email.
It reminds me of a story when Iworked at a medical school and
I remember when I finally got myfirst mobile phone work-related
mobile phone, you know and Ithought I was such a bad ass
because now I had a phone andthe work had given to me and I
quickly realized that that nowmeant I was available 24 seven.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
And it wasn't that it was given to me as a cool thing
, it wasn't a reward, it was sothat I could be available
whenever they wanted weekends,evenings and it quickly became
kind of an electronic leashbecause I could never really
forget about work, because whatif somebody contacted me?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, and I think that's almost the exact same
thing, except instead of a phoneit was laptops.
Yeah Right.
And like all of those tech.
Well, I come from a techbackground, so I used to work in
the tech industry and so for me.
I'm like talking about, like allof those online chat things
like Slack or PIME, Sure andhaving those.
(12:36):
You know, when I worked inoffice, you closed the laptop, I
took it home, but I didn'ttouch it until the next morning
when I was back in office at 8am.
Right Now I'm at home.
I have the laptop open in mykitchen.
In my kitchen for those whocan't see.
Yeah, and I could be over in mykitchen making a coffee and
here ding-ing off my laptop.
(12:57):
Even though I've scheduled acoffee break or a lunch break,
Right, it's never trulyunplugged, even if you have a
home office, because it's awhole different vibe.
You're working from home, yourhome is now your office, and
there's the separation is moredifficult to build.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Wow.
Now I feel all kind of wrappedup in the idea of how do we fix
this?
How do we fix this, emma?
Because I would imagine it'ssomething like you said at the
beginning it's different foreverybody just what people are
able to do and what their workis considering.
It's not, as is it, as simpleas setting a boundary.
(13:38):
I mean boundary setting.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
I could say you have to set a boundary in that self.
That's easier sometimes saidthan done.
One of the things is gettingvery clear on what your work
schedule is.
Mm-hmm Because.
I think, for a lot of people,even if you are somebody that
works from like a global companyand everybody is on a different
time zone and everybody worksdifferent hours.
Set yourself a work schedulejust to even get yourself
(14:03):
started.
I want to be.
I think email is about 9 am andI want to be wrapping up around
4.30,.
Hard stop laptop shut down by 5.
Mm-hmm.
That will really help and usetime right now and use timers,
like you know set an alarm.
Be like oh, it's work time.
Oh, turn it off, doesn't matter.
(14:25):
If you're halfway through thatemail to Greg, you can pick it
up again tomorrow.
It's 5 o'clock, it's time to dosomething.
The other one that I foundreally helpful in the transition
was sometimes with thedifference between working you
know like you're in office andyou get home was the commute?
Yes, like you all commuted, andin that time it was almost like
a decompression switch time,mm-hmm.
(14:46):
So I almost had to fake acommute for a while, which meant
that at 5 o'clock I left myhouse for a 20-minute walk.
These are a few of pets, or youhave kids because you can take
them to the park, but almostfactor in that like commute
where you're like putting onyour coat, putting on your shoes
and you're leaving the officemindset.
And then, when you were doinghome, you're in a home evening,
(15:08):
decompressed mindset.
Yeah.
So think your comm-.
You can do it in the morningtoo, or you can go for a quick
Right Junt around the block andthen you come back and you're
geared up and ready to go andyou go straight to your office
and you sit down and start yourwork day.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Oh, it's really fascinating because it's not
just about oh, I'm going to givemyself time to make a coffee in
the morning.
It's really replicating thattraveling experience, that
transition experience.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Because that's when people would do that stuff like
listen to their podcasts andcall their moms enter grandmas.
Yeah, it's like during thatcommute phase for a lot of
people.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Oh, that's fascinating.
I hadn't thought ofimplementing it, but it sounds
like that's going on my listbecause I'd never considered
that before.
How does it benefit us in apersonal way by setting these
boundaries?
What are some of the positiveeffects of setting your own
(16:05):
boundaries?
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Yeah, I mean it's going to be different for
everybody and what the goal ofthe boundary that you're setting
.
But overall, if you're justsomeone who's willing to start
saying, no a little bit more, orsetting some boundaries with
people, places, things thataren't serving you, the
immediate response you're goingto feel is you're going to feel
a little bit more control.
(16:28):
You are stepping into thedriver's seat of your life, your
career, your relationships.
Because when you're not settingboundaries, or you're setting
boundaries in the sense of alittle bit more reactively, so
someone says something to youand you're immediate, like
there's difference betweenreactive and proactive
boundaries.
Once you start taking aproactive approach, you are
(16:49):
immediately going to feel likeyou've got control.
And we all crave control, evenif you're a type B personality.
You don't lie.
You love a little bit ofcontrol.
You're like knowing what'shappening day to day, where
you're going to do what's goingto happen.
Yeah that's true.
Control is a big one when youactually start implementing
(17:12):
boundaries again, depending onthe goal.
But a lot of times we feelrelief, like a weight's been
lifted off our shoulders.
You're probably going to feel alittle bit of confidence.
Start coming in Confidence thatyou're making the right
decisions, confidence inyourself.
If you're setting boundariesaround time, you'll see a
(17:33):
difference in feeling likeyou've got time, a little bit
more freedom to do the thingsthat you want to do.
All of a sudden, you have freetime.
Who doesn't love a little freetime?
Yeah.
So a lot of those ones also.
You'll probably notice you'resleeping better.
You're less quick to be angry,Things like bitterness and
(17:57):
resentment towards other peopledecreases.
You're a little bit morepatient.
You become a lot more patientwith people around you and
situations.
There's a trust building thatcomes Like.
You start to learn to trustyourself, that you know what's
best for you.
When you reach a certain age ifyou're six, maybe listen to mom
(18:19):
and dad.
But, 26, starting to set someboundaries.
That's a part of adulthood andlearning to trust yourself and
trust your judgment, that youknow what's best for your life.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, I think that's an excellent point, because I'm
49 and I'm still feeling likeI'm transitioning into like no,
it's okay if I make thisdecision I've had experience in
it before but you still feel oddabout it sometimes.
And what do you do when youhave, you know, a person say
(18:54):
that comes to you and they lookdear in headlights when you
mention boundaries and theymight say well, if I do that,
people won't like me.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Yeah, that I actually get that a lot, I get a lot of
like oh, how can I set aboundary without upsetting
someone?
And the thing is, you haveabsolutely zero control over how
someone else is going to reactand or feel about your boundary.
The person you're setting theboundary with has a right to
feel the emotions that they'refeeling, but that does not
(19:31):
negate the fact that theboundary needed to be set.
Yeah, so if you are, I didn'tonly get these with my people
pleasers someone who struggleswith setting boundaries with
other people for fear that youare disappointing them or fear
that you're letting them down oryou can upset them and you just
that brings you so much anxiety.
(19:52):
There is ways to set boundarieswithout actually saying no.
So, if that like it's kind ofthere is a way, it's a boundary
setting is an art form.
So with practice you're goingto learn how to find asset.
So you get to the point whereyou're able to set boundaries
(20:12):
and it's almost like the otherperson's idea.
We love a little bit ofemotional manipulation just a
little bit.
So I have a client, or had aclient, and Sunday family
dinners were like the thing.
It was like Sunday night youhad to be at mom and dads family
dinner, no excuses.
It was like, and she lives like30 minutes away, like her and
(20:35):
her partner, but it was like athing.
She has a really high stressjob and she was starting to feel
really burnt out and unpreparedfor Mondays, which then you
know, she just nobody likesMondays.
No.
But having so much pressure on aSunday to drive half an hour,
stay up late, get home like sheprobably should, no time for
(20:56):
herself, and so it's meeting alot of resentment, a lot of
bitterness.
But her mom is a bit more of ahighly sensitive person.
So navigating how tocommunicate hey, sunday dinners
I can't do anymore because of X,y and Z that was really
difficult.
So we had to focus on a lot ofI statements which is like just
(21:17):
generally in communication.
Obviously, as the savvycommunicator, I statements are
probably a very big part of whatyou consult on.
True, you know, asking theperson to do you a favor.
People love to help otherpeople.
So we got to the point where herstatement with her mom was
essentially like shame.
Mom, I really wanted to let youknow that I've been really
(21:39):
struggling lately.
I'm really overwhelmed at work.
I'm feeling really burnt out.
I think I need to take a stepback from Sunday night family
dinners.
I know how important these areto you and they're really
important to me too, but I findthe drive really hard.
Can we look at a different dayso you can set a boundary and
(22:06):
offer an alternative?
Okay, yeah, so if you've gotsomeone that you're worried
about the reaction, provide analternative if you're able.
If you're not, they'll providethe alternative.
And the other thing you know tonote is that her mom still got
a little upset because she feltlike a tradition was ending.
Her mom had a right to feelupset.
(22:26):
Yeah.
But my client had a right toprotect her peace and her safe
and herself by not going toevery single Sunday night family
dinner because work was justtoo much and she needed time
Sunday night for herself.
Yeah.
So I guess there's no perfectway to do it.
(22:47):
To answer your question abouthow do you handle it, it's you
just handle it, and there aretechniques to help manage that.
You know, if someone is gettingoverly upset, say your peace
and then you need to give spacebecause that person has some
emotions and feelings that theyneed to work through.
Using I statements can reallyhelp.
Makes it feel less like adirect attack on someone and
(23:10):
again remind yourself is likeare you setting the boundary
with someone or are you settinga boundary with a situation?
Oh so she was setting aboundary with a situation.
Whereas if you're setting aboundary with a person, it has
to do with the way they talk orthe way they act around you.
And obviously there are somethings that you can do to help
(23:32):
manage the symptoms of settingboundaries, like the symptoms of
like fear and guilt that comeup when you're setting
boundaries.
A lot of it is self-talk whicheverybody.
I can already hear everybodyrolling their eyes because
everybody hates self-talk, butreminding yourself that when
you're allowed to set a boundary, you're not a bad person for
(23:52):
setting the boundary or sayingno, and it's temporary how you
feel is temporary.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
You're not always going to feel guilty about this
or worried about it.
It's just it feels icky rightnow.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Yeah, yeah, that's true, and in my mind what it
keeps circling back to is putyourself first, put yourself
first, put yourself first.
And yet, like we've beentalking, it also keeps coming to
my mind people might not likethat I consult for a medical
school and the pressure onmedical students, especially to
(24:36):
first work, the backbreakinghours that have been set, and
it's better than it used to be.
Now I think they're limited tosomething like 80 or 96 hours,
but still so, even 96 hours in aweek?
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
But sure, just keep on doing it.
And the answer as to whythey're doing it that way is
because their superiors did itthat way, and it goes way, way
back until practically thebeginning of time that you need
to overwork in order to provethat you're dedicated.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
I agree, and that sentiment is still so prevalent
today?
Yes, the employee that shows upsick is a dedicated employee.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Yeah, yeah, one of my first jobs where I was salaried
, so it didn't matter how manyhours I worked.
They said, well, you'verealized that this is a 40-hour
job, but we expect you to put inat least 55.
And I said what?
You're only paying me for 40hours?
And they're like right, you getit.
(25:40):
And yes, exactly, it was likewhat did I do?
I did it because I didn'tunderstand that I could set a
boundary, or I was afraid of theimplicit threat of you won't
have this job if you don'tignore this boundary.
But I really like thedistinction that you made about
(26:00):
setting a boundary with a personor with a situation, and I
think thinking about it in termsof oh, this isn't something
that is directly, I'm notdirectly telling this person no
or negating their feelings orwhatever it is.
I'm just setting a boundary onthis situation or I'm just
telling them they can't do thisand then they can feel whatever
(26:22):
they're feeling.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, yeah, they can feel whatever they want to feel.
I mean, when you're setting aboundary with someone and they
are feeling the feelings thatthey're feeling, you also don't
need to be the recipient ofthose feelings, because a lot of
times that's where manipulationhappens and that's where people
(26:44):
fall back on away from theirboundary that they just set.
Is that?
they have set a boundary, and Ilike to call it like you get in
and out when your boundary issetting you go in, you set the
boundary and you get out becausea lot of times when you've said
no, or it's a boundary that hasto do with someone and their
behavior.
There's a lot.
That's where emotions come upand you need to take a step back
(27:05):
, both of you, from thesituation and from the
conversation, to get clarity.
Because otherwise this otherperson may explode or they may
get very upset.
and then you're there, you'retrying to deal with it and in
order to just get yourself outof the now angry or upset
person's area, you're agreeingto what they want.
(27:27):
So in and out as fast as you can.
You can always revisit.
They may come to you and wantto have a conversation around
the boundary.
You are again, are welcome tohave that conversation.
But you are also allowed to sayno to that conversation.
But get in and out because thentake some space, because
(27:48):
oftentimes if you over explainor sit there with the boundary
for too long, you start tosecond guess yourself.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Yeah, no, that's really true, and I know I've
certainly sat throughconversations that I felt
uncomfortable having because,instead of, like you say,
putting myself in my feelingsfirst, I was like I have to put
this person's feelings first.
If I'm a good person, if I'm akind person, I'll listen to this
and take this and theneverything will be okay.
(28:20):
And it never is.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
It's not normally and that's kind of a hard pill to
swallow.
I mean, even now, as a boundarycoach, I will set boundaries
and I still get feelings ofguilt or anxiety or worry, or it
doesn't always go well.
I've got down to a point whereI feel confident enough in
myself that I can say no tothings and the guilt doesn't
(28:45):
last as long.
Or I can set boundaries withfriends and I still have a hard
time dealing with like, are theygoing to be so mad at me?
But it comes with practice that, are they so mad at me?
And then the second thought isyou did the right thing.
So it is a practice of like AmI a good person If I did this?
(29:07):
Am I a good person?
I would almost challenge thatthe if, because you are a good
person, because of this action,you know you are a caring person
because of this action, Becauseit's like airplane you gotta
put your mask on before anybodyelse.
So if you're constantly givingpieces of yourself, eventually
(29:30):
all you're gonna end up givingpeople is the crap pieces, the
bitter pieces, the resentfulpieces, the angry pieces,
instead of the pieces thatreally are a reflection of who
you are.
I don't know if that made anysense.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
That made huge sense.
So one of the things just tore-summarize what you've been
saying I think that I reallyloved and stood out to me as,
like you know, putting yourselfinto the driver's seat of your
life and I think so many of usfeel that we're just careening
around in the backseat and thatyou know we have to do these
things because we have to dothem and we don't think about
(30:05):
that much more.
I really like the idea ofsetting your work schedule,
setting an alarm so that it'sthe alarm telling you that, I'm
sorry, your half hour is up toreply to these emails or
whatever, and that can take offa little bit of the guilt that
you have.
And I really like the advice ofyou don't have to say no, to
set a boundary, and that theremight be boundaries with
(30:26):
situations and there might beboundaries with people, and
knowing which one you're dealingwith is probably, you know, a
good step.
And what you said at the endthat if you don't set these
boundaries, you end up givingpeople pieces and they're not
necessarily the best pieces ofwhat you have to give, you know.
I think that's really profound.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
So it is one of those things where and I just, I
literally just had aconversation about this actually
Boundary setting is a skill.
It's.
The only way that you can getgood at a skill is by first
educating yourself on how to doit, and then yeah so it takes.
(31:10):
It takes practice and practiceand more practice, which is
obviously sometimes not whatpeople want to hear.
But sure with every boundary youset, you're going to get a
little bit stronger and a littlebit more confident in it.
And the relief and the joy andthe freedom that each boundary
will give you will basicallymake you addicted to it and
(31:34):
you'll get really good at it.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Okay, emma Roy, boundary coach, has been our
guest today on the SavvyCommunicator.
Emma, I can't thank you enoughfor being here.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
So, and thanks to our audience for listening today,
if you like what you hear,please leave us a review, join
us on Facebook and Instagram, orcheck out our website at
wwwsavvycommunicatorcom.
We'll see you next time.
Hi and welcome to the Savvy Communicator podcast.
I'm your host, amy Flanagan.
Today's topic is a solid onehow do you set a boundary?
My guest today is Emma RoyBoundary Coach.
Emma, thank you so much forbeing on the show today.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hello, thank you so much for having me.
I'm very excited.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
I'm really excited too, because we were talking
before and I was saying that Ithink setting boundaries is one
of the things that probably ismost important in life and one
of the things that we areactively told not to enforce, a
lot of times because it seemsunkind.
Tell me a little bit about howyou became a boundary coach.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, it's a good story and I think everybody
intends that.
It's like oh, I had this bigmoment where I have no
boundaries, which to an extentit kind of is like that, but
obviously for me it was just alot of little things over a long
period of time that kind of ledto my own journey with
(01:08):
realizing that I had really noboundaries.
I had really crappy boundariesand I think it came to a point
when I was back in universityand I had a family member who
had passed away and the funeralended up being the same day that
this event that I was helpingto organize was on and I made
(01:30):
the decision that for me it wasmost important to go to the
funeral and I felt reprimandedfor making that decision.
Wow, yeah, so that made merealize I felt reprimanded, I
felt really guilty oh, mygoodness, the amount of guilt
and I bent over backwardsleading up the event, trying to
get everything done that I couldget done for it, so that it
(01:52):
just felt really good and I waslike, oh, it'll be fine, they
can handle it, without realizingthat what ultimately should
have happened is I should haveput myself first.
And like you know I'm going tothis funeral.
Yeah, that's it.
I was all that needed to happen, but I ended up breaking my
back, trying to please everybodyand realizing that myself and,
(02:17):
ultimately, my relationship withthis person who had passed
suffered because of that.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Oh, that's rough.
That's rough, but I think youknow you're so right in that a
lot of times we do bend overbackwards for a lot of reasons
and still feel guilty, stillfeel like we haven't done enough
.
Yeah, why do you think that is?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Probably because we're taught and I am
specifically women, I'll get itSpecifically women we're taught
that no is aggressive and that'snot necessarily a good thing.
But we're also taught like doingthings for other people makes
us good, like that we're a goodperson for doing things for
other people or putting theneeds of other people before
(03:06):
ourselves.
I mean that's like lesson oneon when you're raising kids is
to think about other people, bekind and courteous.
But oftentimes there's no stopgap.
It's like be kind and courteousto everyone, but then it's like
, okay, but at what point do Ihave nothing left to give to be
(03:31):
kind and courteous to everybodyelse?
And then you end up in asituation where you're worn out
and you're bitter and you'reresentful and overwhelmed.
And I don't think it's notactively taught, it's not a
school.
There's no social, emotionalclass in school.
It's just sort of school as awhole is supposed to teach you.
And then you have to rely andhope that your parents have
(03:54):
enough of an emotionalintelligence to be able to have
and hold those conversationswith you.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, I don't have children myself, but I have a
lot of friends who are parentsnow and it's really it's
interesting and it'sdisconcerting and it's
fascinating to watch them teachtheir children about boundaries
in a way that I was not taughtgrowing up, in terms of like,
you don't have to hug somebodyif you don't want to, you don't
(04:24):
have to say okay if you don'twant to.
Well, there are certain thingsthat you have to do, but if it's
a little friend or somethingthat it's all right to say no,
this hurts me, no, I don't wantto go over there.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And yeah, it is fascinating, but at the same
time, like I said, I can't thinkof a better word than
disconcerting because, they'relike oh, that's normal, yeah,
right, yeah, we weren't taughtthat at all, it was you know,
you think about it and it waslike you hug all of your aunts
and uncles, despite the weirdfeeling that, my uncles might
(04:59):
give you, and I mean, we weretaught strange or danger, but
that's not the same.
That's not the same thing,because it's like it can't.
You know boundaries and familysettings and things like that,
like families don't setboundaries with one another,
because then it's not family.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
Sure, yeah, I can remember I had this uncle
growing up who used to pinch mycheeks and you know all of my
cousins cheeks.
We called him the pincher, andyou know, and you would get to
the point where you didn't wantto go over to him and you know,
but all I could think of was thepain of getting my cheeks
pinched and that's just what youdid, like you've been saying.
(05:38):
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, so a thousand littleboundary violations are what got
you towards being a boundarycoach, and I think that's such a
fascinating thing to be and itmust be very fulfilling.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
It is I went to school for social work, so
there's always a little bit oflike social work, helping other
people, like thread in my lifeand I've always felt called
towards that, I think withboundary coaching and specific.
It's because I know so manywomen that have really bad
boundaries or have no boundariesat all and I got tired of
(06:18):
sitting and having conversationsand laughing off, feeling
overwhelmed, yeah, and jokingabout the fact that, oh, I'm so
tired and I hated.
The default response was, oh,I'm busy.
Like how are you?
I'm busy.
That's not a response, that'slike a state of being and that's
not a good state of being yeah.
(06:39):
And so I realized that through,like with my background and my
education and social work, andthen my overall passion for just
telling people to know, askthem that there was an
opportunity here to kind of helpa generation that I think was
forgotten a little bit with thebattery setting.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Yeah, that's a really interesting way to put it, but
you're right, there was nothingabout it.
There was nothing about it, no.
So what are some of the verybasic problems that you see?
Are there consistent problems,things that we can all do better
at?
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Yeah, I mean, there definitely are.
One of them is not knowing ourlimits, and I think this comes
up a lot, because I could tellyou that working 72-hour weeks
is not a good thing, but I'mcompletely different than who
you are and how you like tooperate.
(07:37):
So knowing our own limits issomething I think I always every
single client I have.
That's always where we start,because they are trying to
create a life that emulatessomebody else's without
understanding what their ownlimits are.
It's like night owl versusmorning bear.
I'm a morning person.
(07:57):
I love the morning.
I'm like your worst enemy at6am if you are a night owl, but
I work best in the mornings.
I have friends that work bestin the evenings.
But society teaches us that weshould be kind of somewhere in
between in the middle, and sothey're forcing themselves to
create morning routines or setboundaries or do things like
that.
(08:18):
Basically, they're like oh, I'mtrying to turn off work at 5pm,
when really what they should bedoing is not starting work
until 11 and working until 7because that's what's best for
them.
Yes, so understanding ourlimits in the sense of what are
we willing to do and what aren'twe willing to do there could be
a little bit more clarificationaround those things that help
(08:39):
as a guideline for sure.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Well, and I love what you're saying because, again,
it's just another way of puttingyourself first and taking that
time to be like no, no, you know, not, I need to be ready for a
job that works from 9 to 5, butno, I work best this way, so I
should put that first.
Just this just popped into mymind Do you feel that you know,
(09:05):
in the sort of post COVID era,that people are getting better
with boundaries related to work?
Since work changed so muchduring COVID, I feel like it
probably got worse, really, yeahWell.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
I mean imagine the whole work from home movement
was like not a thing, like youwere really lucky to work from
home pre COVID and then all of asudden, we switched on to
working from home and at nopoint, when we went from working
in office to at home, was thereany sort of communication or
(09:41):
teaching about how toeffectively set boundaries while
working from home.
And you're right, a lot ofcompanies.
Just all of a sudden it waslike I don't know that random
day in March it was like we'regoing home for two weeks, see
you back in two weeks.
And nope, I never went back.
I never went back, I neverstepped foot back in that office
(10:02):
.
Yeah, and at no point was thereany sort of communication Like
there was like, oh, don't forgetto do self care.
The world is hard, turn it offfor a little bit, put yourself
first.
But there's no how.
Like how to turn off youroffice when your office is your
bedroom and your kitchen andyour living room, because you
live in a one bedroom apartmentwith your partner and four dogs,
(10:24):
kind of a thing.
Like it got chaotic, and so Ithink what ended up happening is
the separation between work andhome disintegrated and there
was no education on how tobalance that properly.
So you had people showing up toZoom meetings at 8am still in
their pajamas, having justrolled out of bed, not turning
(10:48):
their cameras on.
If you don't want to turn yourcamera on, don't turn your
camera on.
But essentially it's like doingthat, working through their
lunch, sitting at their deskeating their lunch, having no
communication with anybody inthe outside world other than any
sort of Zoom call.
And then you know, all of asudden it's 8 o'clock at night
and they're like quarteringtakeout and then crawling back
into bed just to do it all overagain.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Wow, that's an excellent point.
I didn't think about it thisway.
But my husband I was doingconsulting at the time, so my
schedule was more flexible butmy husband that was his exact
experience and we had adifferent house at this time and
our office was really, reallysmall and he was just jammed in
this office for 12 plus hoursbecause if he wasn't in meetings
(11:31):
he was on email.
It reminds me of a story when Iworked at a medical school and
I remember when I finally got myfirst mobile phone work-related
mobile phone, you know and Ithought I was such a bad ass
because now I had a phone andthe work had given to me and I
quickly realized that that nowmeant I was available 24 seven.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
And it wasn't that it was given to me as a cool thing
, it wasn't a reward, it was sothat I could be available
whenever they wanted weekends,evenings and it quickly became
kind of an electronic leashbecause I could never really
forget about work, because whatif somebody contacted me?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, and I think that's almost the exact same
thing, except instead of a phoneit was laptops.
Yeah Right.
And like all of those tech.
Well, I come from a techbackground, so I used to work in
the tech industry and so for me.
I'm like talking about, like allof those online chat things
like Slack or PIME, Sure andhaving those.
(12:36):
You know, when I worked inoffice, you closed the laptop, I
took it home, but I didn'ttouch it until the next morning
when I was back in office at 8am.
Right Now I'm at home.
I have the laptop open in mykitchen.
In my kitchen for those whocan't see.
Yeah, and I could be over in mykitchen making a coffee and
here ding-ing off my laptop.
(12:57):
Even though I've scheduled acoffee break or a lunch break,
Right, it's never trulyunplugged, even if you have a
home office, because it's awhole different vibe.
You're working from home, yourhome is now your office, and
there's the separation is moredifficult to build.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
Wow.
Now I feel all kind of wrappedup in the idea of how do we fix
this?
How do we fix this, emma?
Because I would imagine it'ssomething like you said at the
beginning it's different foreverybody just what people are
able to do and what their workis considering.
It's not, as is it, as simpleas setting a boundary.
(13:38):
I mean boundary setting.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
I could say you have to set a boundary in that self.
That's easier sometimes saidthan done.
One of the things is gettingvery clear on what your work
schedule is.
Mm-hmm Because.
I think, for a lot of people,even if you are somebody that
works from like a global companyand everybody is on a different
time zone and everybody worksdifferent hours.
Set yourself a work schedulejust to even get yourself
(14:03):
started.
I want to be.
I think email is about 9 am andI want to be wrapping up around
4.30,.
Hard stop laptop shut down by 5.
Mm-hmm.
That will really help and usetime right now and use timers,
like you know set an alarm.
Be like oh, it's work time.
Oh, turn it off, doesn't matter.
(14:25):
If you're halfway through thatemail to Greg, you can pick it
up again tomorrow.
It's 5 o'clock, it's time to dosomething.
The other one that I foundreally helpful in the transition
was sometimes with thedifference between working you
know like you're in office andyou get home was the commute?
Yes, like you all commuted, andin that time it was almost like
a decompression switch time,mm-hmm.
(14:46):
So I almost had to fake acommute for a while, which meant
that at 5 o'clock I left myhouse for a 20-minute walk.
These are a few of pets, or youhave kids because you can take
them to the park, but almostfactor in that like commute
where you're like putting onyour coat, putting on your shoes
and you're leaving the officemindset.
And then, when you were doinghome, you're in a home evening,
(15:08):
decompressed mindset.
Yeah.
So think your comm-.
You can do it in the morningtoo, or you can go for a quick
Right Junt around the block andthen you come back and you're
geared up and ready to go andyou go straight to your office
and you sit down and start yourwork day.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Oh, it's really fascinating because it's not
just about oh, I'm going to givemyself time to make a coffee in
the morning.
It's really replicating thattraveling experience, that
transition experience.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Because that's when people would do that stuff like
listen to their podcasts andcall their moms enter grandmas.
Yeah, it's like during thatcommute phase for a lot of
people.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Oh, that's fascinating.
I hadn't thought ofimplementing it, but it sounds
like that's going on my listbecause I'd never considered
that before.
How does it benefit us in apersonal way by setting these
boundaries?
What are some of the positiveeffects of setting your own
(16:05):
boundaries?
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Yeah, I mean it's going to be different for
everybody and what the goal ofthe boundary that you're setting
.
But overall, if you're justsomeone who's willing to start
saying, no a little bit more, orsetting some boundaries with
people, places, things thataren't serving you, the
immediate response you're goingto feel is you're going to feel
a little bit more control.
(16:28):
You are stepping into thedriver's seat of your life, your
career, your relationships.
Because when you're not settingboundaries, or you're setting
boundaries in the sense of alittle bit more reactively, so
someone says something to youand you're immediate, like
there's difference betweenreactive and proactive
boundaries.
Once you start taking aproactive approach, you are
(16:49):
immediately going to feel likeyou've got control.
And we all crave control, evenif you're a type B personality.
You don't lie.
You love a little bit ofcontrol.
You're like knowing what'shappening day to day, where
you're going to do what's goingto happen.
Yeah that's true.
Control is a big one when youactually start implementing
(17:12):
boundaries again, depending onthe goal.
But a lot of times we feelrelief, like a weight's been
lifted off our shoulders.
You're probably going to feel alittle bit of confidence.
Start coming in Confidence thatyou're making the right
decisions, confidence inyourself.
If you're setting boundariesaround time, you'll see a
(17:33):
difference in feeling likeyou've got time, a little bit
more freedom to do the thingsthat you want to do.
All of a sudden, you have freetime.
Who doesn't love a little freetime?
Yeah.
So a lot of those ones also.
You'll probably notice you'resleeping better.
You're less quick to be angry,Things like bitterness and
(17:57):
resentment towards other peopledecreases.
You're a little bit morepatient.
You become a lot more patientwith people around you and
situations.
There's a trust building thatcomes Like.
You start to learn to trustyourself, that you know what's
best for you.
When you reach a certain age ifyou're six, maybe listen to mom
(18:19):
and dad.
But, 26, starting to set someboundaries.
That's a part of adulthood andlearning to trust yourself and
trust your judgment, that youknow what's best for your life.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, I think that's an excellent point, because I'm
49 and I'm still feeling likeI'm transitioning into like no,
it's okay if I make thisdecision I've had experience in
it before but you still feel oddabout it sometimes.
And what do you do when youhave, you know, a person say
(18:54):
that comes to you and they lookdear in headlights when you
mention boundaries and theymight say well, if I do that,
people won't like me.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Yeah, that I actually get that a lot, I get a lot of
like oh, how can I set aboundary without upsetting
someone?
And the thing is, you haveabsolutely zero control over how
someone else is going to reactand or feel about your boundary.
The person you're setting theboundary with has a right to
feel the emotions that they'refeeling, but that does not
(19:31):
negate the fact that theboundary needed to be set.
Yeah, so if you are, I didn'tonly get these with my people
pleasers someone who struggleswith setting boundaries with
other people for fear that youare disappointing them or fear
that you're letting them down oryou can upset them and you just
that brings you so much anxiety.
(19:52):
There is ways to set boundarieswithout actually saying no.
So, if that like it's kind ofthere is a way, it's a boundary
setting is an art form.
So with practice you're goingto learn how to find asset.
So you get to the point whereyou're able to set boundaries
(20:12):
and it's almost like the otherperson's idea.
We love a little bit ofemotional manipulation just a
little bit.
So I have a client, or had aclient, and Sunday family
dinners were like the thing.
It was like Sunday night youhad to be at mom and dads family
dinner, no excuses.
It was like, and she lives like30 minutes away, like her and
(20:35):
her partner, but it was like athing.
She has a really high stressjob and she was starting to feel
really burnt out and unpreparedfor Mondays, which then you
know, she just nobody likesMondays.
No.
But having so much pressure on aSunday to drive half an hour,
stay up late, get home like sheprobably should, no time for
(20:56):
herself, and so it's meeting alot of resentment, a lot of
bitterness.
But her mom is a bit more of ahighly sensitive person.
So navigating how tocommunicate hey, sunday dinners
I can't do anymore because of X,y and Z that was really
difficult.
So we had to focus on a lot ofI statements which is like just
(21:17):
generally in communication.
Obviously, as the savvycommunicator, I statements are
probably a very big part of whatyou consult on.
True, you know, asking theperson to do you a favor.
People love to help otherpeople.
So we got to the point where herstatement with her mom was
essentially like shame.
Mom, I really wanted to let youknow that I've been really
(21:39):
struggling lately.
I'm really overwhelmed at work.
I'm feeling really burnt out.
I think I need to take a stepback from Sunday night family
dinners.
I know how important these areto you and they're really
important to me too, but I findthe drive really hard.
Can we look at a different dayso you can set a boundary and
(22:06):
offer an alternative?
Okay, yeah, so if you've gotsomeone that you're worried
about the reaction, provide analternative if you're able.
If you're not, they'll providethe alternative.
And the other thing you know tonote is that her mom still got
a little upset because she feltlike a tradition was ending.
Her mom had a right to feelupset.
(22:26):
Yeah.
But my client had a right toprotect her peace and her safe
and herself by not going toevery single Sunday night family
dinner because work was justtoo much and she needed time
Sunday night for herself.
Yeah.
So I guess there's no perfectway to do it.
(22:47):
To answer your question abouthow do you handle it, it's you
just handle it, and there aretechniques to help manage that.
You know, if someone is gettingoverly upset, say your peace
and then you need to give spacebecause that person has some
emotions and feelings that theyneed to work through.
Using I statements can reallyhelp.
Makes it feel less like adirect attack on someone and
(23:10):
again remind yourself is likeare you setting the boundary
with someone or are you settinga boundary with a situation?
Oh so she was setting aboundary with a situation.
Whereas if you're setting aboundary with a person, it has
to do with the way they talk orthe way they act around you.
And obviously there are somethings that you can do to help
(23:32):
manage the symptoms of settingboundaries, like the symptoms of
like fear and guilt that comeup when you're setting
boundaries.
A lot of it is self-talk whicheverybody.
I can already hear everybodyrolling their eyes because
everybody hates self-talk, butreminding yourself that when
you're allowed to set a boundary, you're not a bad person for
(23:52):
setting the boundary or sayingno, and it's temporary how you
feel is temporary.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
You're not always going to feel guilty about this
or worried about it.
It's just it feels icky rightnow.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Yeah, yeah, that's true, and in my mind what it
keeps circling back to is putyourself first, put yourself
first, put yourself first.
And yet, like we've beentalking, it also keeps coming to
my mind people might not likethat I consult for a medical
school and the pressure onmedical students, especially to
(24:36):
first work, the backbreakinghours that have been set, and
it's better than it used to be.
Now I think they're limited tosomething like 80 or 96 hours,
but still so, even 96 hours in aweek?
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
But sure, just keep on doing it.
And the answer as to whythey're doing it that way is
because their superiors did itthat way, and it goes way, way
back until practically thebeginning of time that you need
to overwork in order to provethat you're dedicated.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
I agree, and that sentiment is still so prevalent
today?
Yes, the employee that shows upsick is a dedicated employee.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
Yeah, yeah, one of my first jobs where I was salaried
, so it didn't matter how manyhours I worked.
They said, well, you'verealized that this is a 40-hour
job, but we expect you to put inat least 55.
And I said what?
You're only paying me for 40hours?
And they're like right, you getit.
(25:40):
And yes, exactly, it was likewhat did I do?
I did it because I didn'tunderstand that I could set a
boundary, or I was afraid of theimplicit threat of you won't
have this job if you don'tignore this boundary.
But I really like thedistinction that you made about
(26:00):
setting a boundary with a personor with a situation, and I
think thinking about it in termsof oh, this isn't something
that is directly, I'm notdirectly telling this person no
or negating their feelings orwhatever it is.
I'm just setting a boundary onthis situation or I'm just
telling them they can't do thisand then they can feel whatever
(26:22):
they're feeling.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, yeah, they can feel whatever they want to feel.
I mean, when you're setting aboundary with someone and they
are feeling the feelings thatthey're feeling, you also don't
need to be the recipient ofthose feelings, because a lot of
times that's where manipulationhappens and that's where people
(26:44):
fall back on away from theirboundary that they just set.
Is that?
they have set a boundary, and Ilike to call it like you get in
and out when your boundary issetting you go in, you set the
boundary and you get out becausea lot of times when you've said
no, or it's a boundary that hasto do with someone and their
behavior.
There's a lot.
That's where emotions come upand you need to take a step back
(27:05):
, both of you, from thesituation and from the
conversation, to get clarity.
Because otherwise this otherperson may explode or they may
get very upset.
and then you're there, you'retrying to deal with it and in
order to just get yourself outof the now angry or upset
person's area, you're agreeingto what they want.
(27:27):
So in and out as fast as you can.
You can always revisit.
They may come to you and wantto have a conversation around
the boundary.
You are again, are welcome tohave that conversation.
But you are also allowed to sayno to that conversation.
But get in and out because thentake some space, because
(27:48):
oftentimes if you over explainor sit there with the boundary
for too long, you start tosecond guess yourself.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Yeah, no, that's really true, and I know I've
certainly sat throughconversations that I felt
uncomfortable having because,instead of, like you say,
putting myself in my feelingsfirst, I was like I have to put
this person's feelings first.
If I'm a good person, if I'm akind person, I'll listen to this
and take this and theneverything will be okay.
(28:20):
And it never is.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
It's not normally and that's kind of a hard pill to
swallow.
I mean, even now, as a boundarycoach, I will set boundaries
and I still get feelings ofguilt or anxiety or worry, or it
doesn't always go well.
I've got down to a point whereI feel confident enough in
myself that I can say no tothings and the guilt doesn't
(28:45):
last as long.
Or I can set boundaries withfriends and I still have a hard
time dealing with like, are theygoing to be so mad at me?
But it comes with practice that, are they so mad at me?
And then the second thought isyou did the right thing.
So it is a practice of like AmI a good person If I did this?
(29:07):
Am I a good person?
I would almost challenge thatthe if, because you are a good
person, because of this action,you know you are a caring person
because of this action, Becauseit's like airplane you gotta
put your mask on before anybodyelse.
So if you're constantly givingpieces of yourself, eventually
(29:30):
all you're gonna end up givingpeople is the crap pieces, the
bitter pieces, the resentfulpieces, the angry pieces,
instead of the pieces thatreally are a reflection of who
you are.
I don't know if that made anysense.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
That made huge sense.
So one of the things just tore-summarize what you've been
saying I think that I reallyloved and stood out to me as,
like you know, putting yourselfinto the driver's seat of your
life and I think so many of usfeel that we're just careening
around in the backseat and thatyou know we have to do these
things because we have to dothem and we don't think about
(30:05):
that much more.
I really like the idea ofsetting your work schedule,
setting an alarm so that it'sthe alarm telling you that, I'm
sorry, your half hour is up toreply to these emails or
whatever, and that can take offa little bit of the guilt that
you have.
And I really like the advice ofyou don't have to say no, to
set a boundary, and that theremight be boundaries with
(30:26):
situations and there might beboundaries with people, and
knowing which one you're dealingwith is probably, you know, a
good step.
And what you said at the endthat if you don't set these
boundaries, you end up givingpeople pieces and they're not
necessarily the best pieces ofwhat you have to give, you know.
I think that's really profound.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
So it is one of those things where and I just, I
literally just had aconversation about this actually
Boundary setting is a skill.
It's.
The only way that you can getgood at a skill is by first
educating yourself on how to doit, and then yeah so it takes.
(31:10):
It takes practice and practiceand more practice, which is
obviously sometimes not whatpeople want to hear.
But sure with every boundary youset, you're going to get a
little bit stronger and a littlebit more confident in it.
And the relief and the joy andthe freedom that each boundary
will give you will basicallymake you addicted to it and
(31:34):
you'll get really good at it.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Okay, emma Roy, boundary coach, has been our
guest today on the SavvyCommunicator.
Emma, I can't thank you enoughfor being here.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
So, and thanks to our audience for listening today,
if you like what you hear,please leave us a review, join
us on Facebook and Instagram, orcheck out our website at
wwwsavvycommunicatorcom.
We'll see you next time.
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