September 17, 2024 • 19 mins
What happens when life's most challenging moments push you to the edge?
Join me, Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco, as I share my personal journey through the labyrinth of suicidal ideation, from the subtleties of passive thoughts to the alarming intensity of active ones. This episode of the Self-Growth Train is one of raw honesty and vulnerability, recounting how my struggles, intensified by a recent breakup, necessitated a critical conversation about mental health. I emphasize the vital importance of seeking help, fostering open dialogue, and securing professional support to navigate such dark times. Together, we'll explore how the transition from merely not wanting to live to actively wishing for an end can be understood and managed with the right resources and support system.
Hold on as we discuss pivotal moments of realization, including a life-altering hospital stay that forced me to confront my deepest fears and rekindle my desire to live. From the unwavering support of my mother to a therapeutic camping trip with a friend, these experiences fueled my journey towards recovery and rediscovery of life's beauty. This episode is a heartfelt call to action for anyone feeling overwhelmed: take a moment to assess your feelings, prioritize self-care, and reach out for help if you're struggling. Remember, dialing 988 can be the first step towards reclaiming your mental health. Your well-being is paramount, and I am here to remind you that you matter and your life is immensely valuable.
Resource used today:
What's the Difference Between Suicidal Thoughts and Ideations?
Contact The Self-Growth Train Podcast
* Website www.TheSelfGrowthTrainPodcast.com
* Instagram @theselfgrowthtrainpodcast
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* Tik Tok @theselfgrowthtrainpod
Until the next stop dear passengers – Safe Travels!
-FMRP
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Frances Marie Rivera Pach (00:07):
Hello , my dear passengers, and
welcome aboard the Self-GrowthTrain, a podcast that combines
personal stories, opinions andresearch in order to better
guide you through yourself-growth journey.
My name is Frances Marie RiveraPacheco and I am your tour
guide.
First, I want to say thank youfor tuning back into the podcast
.
Today's episode is going to bea bit different from my usual
tonality style and just overallattitude, and that's because
(00:31):
today's topic is suicidalideation and I want to make sure
that I give it the time, thetonality and the seriousness
that it needs.
Having said that, I think it isvery important for me to
mention some of the triggerwarnings that you might hear on
this episode.
These include, but are notlimited to, suicidal ideation,
suicidal attempts and suicide.
(00:52):
But what is suicidal ideation?
Suicidal ideation is the samething as suicidal thinking.
However, there are two types ofsuicidal ideation passive and
active.
According to the Albany Clinic,passive suicidal ideation is
when you wish you were dead.
However, you have no plans ofharming yourself or of ending
(01:15):
your life.
Active suicidal ideation, onthe other hand, is when you wish
you were dead and you had plansof self-harming or ending your
life.
Now, my dear passenger, I don'tknow about you, but I myself
have struggled with suicidalideation from a very young age
and it honestly wasn't untillast year that I started having
(01:37):
active suicidal ideations and Iwas really struggling.
you know, and for me it wasinteresting because the way that
I perceived suicidal thinking,slash suicidal ideation was that
it was only when I had thoughtsthat I would be better off dead
(01:58):
or that I wanted to die, right,but the majority of the time
I'm terrified of dying, so Idon't even want to die.
A lot of the times when I'vehad my suicidal ideation is
actually been that I don't wantto live, meaning like I don't
have the energy to keep movingforward, but at the same time I
(02:18):
don't want to die and at thesame time, I just want to be
numb to everything that is goingon around me.
and I honestly did not realizethat this could also be
categorized as suicidal ideation, like maybe a low level of
suicidal ideation.
However, it started at a lowlevel and it kept increasing to
(02:41):
the point that I went frompassive suicidal ideation to
active suicidal ideation.
The episode today is definitelygoing to be a hard one to listen
to, especially if you yourselfhave gone through suicidal
ideation or suicidal attempts oreven self-harm.
But I need you guys tounderstand that the reason that
(03:05):
I'm covering this topic today isbecause, after I brought it up
at the conference, it startedall of these conversations about
how we don't openly talk aboutsuicidal ideation and how we
tend to stigmatize it to thepoint that we only hear,
unfortunately, about the peoplethat did not get the help that
(03:29):
they needed and the end resultwas losing a life, and I don't
want that to happen to any of us.
I want to share my storybecause I genuinely think that
it is a story that a lot of ushave gone through, and I think
that it is a story that can giveyou hope and that can give you
maybe that push that you need toseek the help that you have
(03:52):
been craving, or seek the helpthat your friends, family, even
health professionals have beenprescribing for you, and you've
just been afraid to take thatstep, because one thing that I
know is that when it comes tosuicidal ideation, I am not
alone, and I learned that thisweekend when multiple people
came up to me to say thank youfor sharing your story.
(04:13):
You sharing your story made methink and make me realize I need
help, that I have not beengiving myself because I'm scared
.
And listen.
It is a scary process, but it'salso a beautiful process of
getting to love yourself andunderstand that you matter and
(04:36):
that you're valuable and thatyou leaving this world would be
leaving a hole behind for yourfamily, your friends and, like
just everyone.
So I want you to understandthat the purpose of this episode
yes, it is to tell my story,but most of all, is to really
connect with you and tell youthat you're not alone and that
(04:57):
there is hope and that there isa way for you to get better if
you are struggling with the samethings that I have struggled
with.
As I mentioned earlier, I havebeen struggling with these
thoughts or these ideationssince I was very young.
However, it wasn't until lastyear, after my breakup, that
they really started to pop upand be super loud, super loud in
(05:21):
my head of just insecuritiesand also just this feeling that
maybe I didn't deserve to livejust because I had loved someone
so intently, with every singleounce of my being, and it hadn't
worked out right and at thetime, like I said, it was very
(05:45):
passive.
Um, I will get thoughts ofmaybe you will be better off
dead, um, maybe he would caremore about you if you were, um,
and even things like well,doesn't really matter if I'm
here, like it's not, likeanybody's gonna miss me, you
(06:08):
know.
And at the time I recognizedthat these thoughts were not
good and at the time I also wastrying to maintain a friendship
with my ex while at the sametime still kind of being with
him.
It's kind of like a blur,because we weren't together but
(06:29):
we kind of still were togetherand it was all very confusing
and it was all very hurtful andit was all very convoluted
really, and I decided I'm goingto go get the help that I need,
right.
So I applied for this outpatientpsychiatry slash psychology
(06:49):
program and I got accepted andduring that time I was getting
therapy and I was put on my ADHDmeds, because I refused to get
depression meds just because I'dhad them in the past and they
were not good for me at all andI was scared and I was terrified
(07:11):
.
And you know, with the ADHDmedicine some of my symptoms got
better, yeah, but my situationas a whole didn't get better
because in therapy I was beingtold hey, the reason that you're
having all of these thoughts isbecause you are going after
(07:31):
someone that truly does not wantto be with you and you're just
holding on to this hope.
And by holding on to this hope,you are creating this negative
view of yourself Because, again,I'm going after somebody that
is unattainable.
And when you're going aftersomebody that is unattainable
(07:53):
and you're having these suicidalideation, what is happening is
is you are confirming for yourbrain right, I'm not saying this
is true, because this is nottrue, but I'm saying, in a way,
you're confirming for your brainthat you don't matter because
you're going after someone thatdoesn't see you the same way
that you see them.
So for a couple of months I wasin the program and I was still
(08:17):
doing this thing with my ex, andthen he finally moved to
another state and things gotbetter.
They did, they did get better.
and I was still taking my medsand everything was okay.
Well, not everything, becauseall of a sudden I was going to
the hospital and it was likegoing to the hospital again and
then going to the hospital again, and that caused me to lose my
(08:38):
job right.
So over a span of eight monthsit became this thing of I felt
that I had something going forme and then something would
happen and I would be 10 stepsbehind.
It wasn't just one step, it wasall suddenly 10 steps behind of
(09:02):
what I had just accomplished,and it was just nonstop.
It will be that I thought I wasgetting over my ex and then all
of a sudden he will pop backinto my life and I was right
back on square one.
Or I got a job and I love myjob, and then all of a sudden I
have to quit because I keepgoing to the hospital and I love
my job and then all of a suddenI have to quit because I keep
(09:23):
going to the hospital and, quitefrankly, like the job itself is
not good for my health.
Or I'm in college and I'mhaving to argue with my
professors over and over againabout assignments, or arguing
with the counselor because shedoesn't want me to take as many
classes as I'm taking.
But I want to end my semesterby December.
(09:45):
It was a very intense eightmonths and again it was this up
and down, up and down, up anddown, up and down of my ex
popping in and out, my jobsituation just being on the line
, and then my school situationas well.
And then I live with my mom andwe both usually pay rent, but
(10:07):
it became this thing of becomingtotally dependent on her.
So now I'm having this ideathat I am a burden.
I am a burden on my mom, I am aburden on society.
I am a burden on my ex becauseI'm still holding on to him and
like I should be over him,because he's over me and he has
(10:27):
already moved thousands of milesaway.
He's doing his life, and whycan't I get over him?
And maybe I deserve to befeeling all of this stuff.
Maybe I am just a patheticperson that deserves to be going
through all of this, because Ijust don't get it.
I just don't understand that itwill not get better for me and
(10:47):
it's honestly crazy because andI might get emotional, but
everybody that knows me knowshow much I love life, how much I
enjoy experiencing and likemeeting people and talking to
(11:08):
people and just making memories.
So to go from someone who wasfull of life and full of joy to
someone that could literallycare less if she died the next
day, that was hard and I knowthat it was hard for me, but I
also know it was super hard formy mom because she was there the
(11:28):
whole time.
And listen, I have to thank Godfor my mom, because my mom has
been a complete angel and Idon't tell her that all the time
, but it's the truth.
Um, but yeah, those eight monthswere hell and I could feel it.
(11:51):
I could feel myself just slowlygiving up on every single thing
that I had going on for myselfand I just didn't have it in me
anymore to keep fighting.
I just didn't have it in meanymore to keep fighting.
I just didn't.
And I remember one day I just Ijust became numb and I was like
this is it?
Like at this point, I don'tcare what happens, I don't care
(12:16):
if I sleep the whole day, Idon't care if I wake up tomorrow
, I don't care if I wake uptomorrow, I don't care.
But I'm actively not going totry to get better, because at
this point nothing feels likeit's going to get better and I
stayed like that for about threemore months and then I had to
(12:39):
go to the hospital again for ableeding episode, and during the
bleeding episode I noticed thata nurse was doing something
wrong.
But you know, in that moment Ididn't care.
I didn't care because I waslike, well, what's the point?
I don't feel like advocatingfor myself, I don't feel like
(13:02):
advocating for myself, I don'tfeel like fighting for myself.
So, whatever happens happens.
And, to make the long storyshort, that error ended up
causing my arm to become superswollen and black and I couldn't
move it, and it was a lot, alot, a lot, a lot, a lot of pain
(13:23):
.
And then I was worried thatthey were going to amputate my
arm.
And then, all of a sudden, likeit dawned on me I don't want to
die.
I don't want to die, I want tolive.
I'm just in a lot of pain and Ineeded, in a way, that reminder
of no, you're letting your lifego to waste because you're
(13:47):
having all these emotions thatyou're not addressing.
You got tired of addressingthem because nothing felt better
.
So you started giving up.
But hey, listen, if you give up, give up, you're going to lose
your life, and that's somethingthat we don't want to give up on
.
And so I remember grabbing myphone and typing with my other
hand to the coordinator of theprogram that I had been in and I
(14:12):
was like listen, I know Igraduated this program, but I'm
honestly not okay.
I'm honestly not okay.
And she said go to the hospital.
I'm like I'm already here, butit's a hospital that is an hour
and a half away from home.
I'm going to wait until I getback home.
And I did.
(14:32):
I waited until I got back home.
And then I was like I don'twant to go, I'm fine, I feel
better now.
I feel so much better now.
And my graduation from collegehappened, and that day was
horrible.
It was as if all the progressthat I had made that week
suddenly came tumbling down andall the thoughts that I had had
(14:55):
of, oh you know what, like Igraduated, I'm going to get a
better job and I'm going to beable to help my family, I'm
going to be able to help my mom,I'm going to contribute to
society, I'm just going to begood.
All of a sudden, all of thosethoughts turned completely sour
and I was like this is not good,this is not good, this is not
(15:22):
good.
And one of my friends, I toldher I was like I want to go
camping, I want to spend a dayout in the world with nature and
just kind of ground myself.
And I went camping with her andit was amazing, even though I
cried every single second of itand I kept apologizing to her
and I was like I'm so sorry, I'mso sorry, but I'm in so much
(15:43):
pain and I really need to talkabout this.
And she was like it's okay,like just let it out, just let
it out.
And at one point she told meshe's like Frances, I really
think you should get more help.
And was like you know whatyou're right.
So the next day, when she tookme home, which was Mother's Day,
(16:05):
my sister took me to thehospital and I told him I was
like listen, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live.
I don't have any activethoughts of committing suicide
or self-harming, but I also, atthe same time, feel like I
(16:26):
wouldn't care if somethinghappened to me and I ended up
going impatient and I know a lotof people are scared of the
stigma that comes with beingimpatient, but I gotta say I
needed that.
I don't think that I would behere today without having gone
(16:49):
there, and that's such a scarything to say, but it's also.
I'm just so glad that I got thehope that I needed, because,
like I love life and I mighthave already said this, but I'm
going to say it again Like Iwant to live, I want to
(17:14):
experience life, I want tocreate memories, I want to meet
people, I want to tell stories,I want to create memories, I
want to meet people, I want totell stories, I want to do
podcasts, I want to do film, Iwant to act, I want to do all
this stuff that if I were toleave tomorrow or leave today, I
wouldn't get a chance to.
And so that's why I think it'sso important for each one of us
(17:38):
to recognize when we need helpand what type of help we need.
Well, my dear passenger, as Ialways say, self-growth is an
endless journey towardsself-improvement.
However, you don't ever have todo it alone.
As your tour guide, my goal isto guide you with the best
intentions and the best researchavailable.
Today, I want to tell you, mydear passenger, that you're not
(18:04):
alone.
You're not alone in yoursuicidal ideation.
You're not alone in yourthoughts of not feeling enough,
in your thoughts of feelingworthless, in your thoughts of
feeling like a burden.
I, too, have felt all of thesethoughts and more, and I'm here
to tell the tale because Idecided to get the help that I
needed.
And I want to make sure that youguys get the help that you need
because, at the end of the day,I want to celebrate you.
(18:27):
I want to go to your awardceremony, I want to go to your
graduation, I want to go to yourbaby's baptism.
I want to be there when youmake a speech about how great
life has gone ever since you gotthe help that you needed and,
my dear passenger, only youreally know what's going on
inside you.
So, please, please, please.
(18:48):
I ask that you take a momenttoday to do an inventory of how
you're feeling and if there'sanything that feels not right,
or if you have already dealtwith suicidal ideation, please
dial 988.
Please take the time to giveyourself the opportunity of
getting better and if you everwant to reach out to me, you
(19:10):
know where to find me.
Well, my dear passengers, untilthe next stop.
Safe travels, bye!
Hello , my dear passengers, and
welcome aboard the Self-GrowthTrain, a podcast that combines
personal stories, opinions andresearch in order to better
guide you through yourself-growth journey.
My name is Frances Marie RiveraPacheco and I am your tour
guide.
First, I want to say thank youfor tuning back into the podcast
.
Today's episode is going to bea bit different from my usual
tonality style and just overallattitude, and that's because
(00:31):
today's topic is suicidalideation and I want to make sure
that I give it the time, thetonality and the seriousness
that it needs.
Having said that, I think it isvery important for me to
mention some of the triggerwarnings that you might hear on
this episode.
These include, but are notlimited to, suicidal ideation,
suicidal attempts and suicide.
(00:52):
But what is suicidal ideation?
Suicidal ideation is the samething as suicidal thinking.
However, there are two types ofsuicidal ideation passive and
active.
According to the Albany Clinic,passive suicidal ideation is
when you wish you were dead.
However, you have no plans ofharming yourself or of ending
(01:15):
your life.
Active suicidal ideation, onthe other hand, is when you wish
you were dead and you had plansof self-harming or ending your
life.
Now, my dear passenger, I don'tknow about you, but I myself
have struggled with suicidalideation from a very young age
and it honestly wasn't untillast year that I started having
(01:37):
active suicidal ideations and Iwas really struggling.
you know, and for me it wasinteresting because the way that
I perceived suicidal thinking,slash suicidal ideation was that
it was only when I had thoughtsthat I would be better off dead
(01:58):
or that I wanted to die, right,but the majority of the time
I'm terrified of dying, so Idon't even want to die.
A lot of the times when I'vehad my suicidal ideation is
actually been that I don't wantto live, meaning like I don't
have the energy to keep movingforward, but at the same time I
(02:18):
don't want to die and at thesame time, I just want to be
numb to everything that is goingon around me.
and I honestly did not realizethat this could also be
categorized as suicidal ideation, like maybe a low level of
suicidal ideation.
However, it started at a lowlevel and it kept increasing to
(02:41):
the point that I went frompassive suicidal ideation to
active suicidal ideation.
The episode today is definitelygoing to be a hard one to listen
to, especially if you yourselfhave gone through suicidal
ideation or suicidal attempts oreven self-harm.
But I need you guys tounderstand that the reason that
(03:05):
I'm covering this topic today isbecause, after I brought it up
at the conference, it startedall of these conversations about
how we don't openly talk aboutsuicidal ideation and how we
tend to stigmatize it to thepoint that we only hear,
unfortunately, about the peoplethat did not get the help that
(03:29):
they needed and the end resultwas losing a life, and I don't
want that to happen to any of us.
I want to share my storybecause I genuinely think that
it is a story that a lot of ushave gone through, and I think
that it is a story that can giveyou hope and that can give you
maybe that push that you need toseek the help that you have
(03:52):
been craving, or seek the helpthat your friends, family, even
health professionals have beenprescribing for you, and you've
just been afraid to take thatstep, because one thing that I
know is that when it comes tosuicidal ideation, I am not
alone, and I learned that thisweekend when multiple people
came up to me to say thank youfor sharing your story.
(04:13):
You sharing your story made methink and make me realize I need
help, that I have not beengiving myself because I'm scared
.
And listen.
It is a scary process, but it'salso a beautiful process of
getting to love yourself andunderstand that you matter and
(04:36):
that you're valuable and thatyou leaving this world would be
leaving a hole behind for yourfamily, your friends and, like
just everyone.
So I want you to understandthat the purpose of this episode
yes, it is to tell my story,but most of all, is to really
connect with you and tell youthat you're not alone and that
(04:57):
there is hope and that there isa way for you to get better if
you are struggling with the samethings that I have struggled
with.
As I mentioned earlier, I havebeen struggling with these
thoughts or these ideationssince I was very young.
However, it wasn't until lastyear, after my breakup, that
they really started to pop upand be super loud, super loud in
(05:21):
my head of just insecuritiesand also just this feeling that
maybe I didn't deserve to livejust because I had loved someone
so intently, with every singleounce of my being, and it hadn't
worked out right and at thetime, like I said, it was very
(05:45):
passive.
Um, I will get thoughts ofmaybe you will be better off
dead, um, maybe he would caremore about you if you were, um,
and even things like well,doesn't really matter if I'm
here, like it's not, likeanybody's gonna miss me, you
(06:08):
know.
And at the time I recognizedthat these thoughts were not
good and at the time I also wastrying to maintain a friendship
with my ex while at the sametime still kind of being with
him.
It's kind of like a blur,because we weren't together but
(06:29):
we kind of still were togetherand it was all very confusing
and it was all very hurtful andit was all very convoluted
really, and I decided I'm goingto go get the help that I need,
right.
So I applied for this outpatientpsychiatry slash psychology
(06:49):
program and I got accepted andduring that time I was getting
therapy and I was put on my ADHDmeds, because I refused to get
depression meds just because I'dhad them in the past and they
were not good for me at all andI was scared and I was terrified
(07:11):
.
And you know, with the ADHDmedicine some of my symptoms got
better, yeah, but my situationas a whole didn't get better
because in therapy I was beingtold hey, the reason that you're
having all of these thoughts isbecause you are going after
(07:31):
someone that truly does not wantto be with you and you're just
holding on to this hope.
And by holding on to this hope,you are creating this negative
view of yourself Because, again,I'm going after somebody that
is unattainable.
And when you're going aftersomebody that is unattainable
(07:53):
and you're having these suicidalideation, what is happening is
is you are confirming for yourbrain right, I'm not saying this
is true, because this is nottrue, but I'm saying, in a way,
you're confirming for your brainthat you don't matter because
you're going after someone thatdoesn't see you the same way
that you see them.
So for a couple of months I wasin the program and I was still
(08:17):
doing this thing with my ex, andthen he finally moved to
another state and things gotbetter.
They did, they did get better.
and I was still taking my medsand everything was okay.
Well, not everything, becauseall of a sudden I was going to
the hospital and it was likegoing to the hospital again and
then going to the hospital again, and that caused me to lose my
(08:38):
job right.
So over a span of eight monthsit became this thing of I felt
that I had something going forme and then something would
happen and I would be 10 stepsbehind.
It wasn't just one step, it wasall suddenly 10 steps behind of
(09:02):
what I had just accomplished,and it was just nonstop.
It will be that I thought I wasgetting over my ex and then all
of a sudden he will pop backinto my life and I was right
back on square one.
Or I got a job and I love myjob, and then all of a sudden I
have to quit because I keepgoing to the hospital and I love
my job and then all of a suddenI have to quit because I keep
(09:23):
going to the hospital and, quitefrankly, like the job itself is
not good for my health.
Or I'm in college and I'mhaving to argue with my
professors over and over againabout assignments, or arguing
with the counselor because shedoesn't want me to take as many
classes as I'm taking.
But I want to end my semesterby December.
(09:45):
It was a very intense eightmonths and again it was this up
and down, up and down, up anddown, up and down of my ex
popping in and out, my jobsituation just being on the line
, and then my school situationas well.
And then I live with my mom andwe both usually pay rent, but
(10:07):
it became this thing of becomingtotally dependent on her.
So now I'm having this ideathat I am a burden.
I am a burden on my mom, I am aburden on society.
I am a burden on my ex becauseI'm still holding on to him and
like I should be over him,because he's over me and he has
(10:27):
already moved thousands of milesaway.
He's doing his life, and whycan't I get over him?
And maybe I deserve to befeeling all of this stuff.
Maybe I am just a patheticperson that deserves to be going
through all of this, because Ijust don't get it.
I just don't understand that itwill not get better for me and
(10:47):
it's honestly crazy because andI might get emotional, but
everybody that knows me knowshow much I love life, how much I
enjoy experiencing and likemeeting people and talking to
(11:08):
people and just making memories.
So to go from someone who wasfull of life and full of joy to
someone that could literallycare less if she died the next
day, that was hard and I knowthat it was hard for me, but I
also know it was super hard formy mom because she was there the
(11:28):
whole time.
And listen, I have to thank Godfor my mom, because my mom has
been a complete angel and Idon't tell her that all the time
, but it's the truth.
Um, but yeah, those eight monthswere hell and I could feel it.
(11:51):
I could feel myself just slowlygiving up on every single thing
that I had going on for myselfand I just didn't have it in me
anymore to keep fighting.
I just didn't have it in meanymore to keep fighting.
I just didn't.
And I remember one day I just Ijust became numb and I was like
this is it?
Like at this point, I don'tcare what happens, I don't care
(12:16):
if I sleep the whole day, Idon't care if I wake up tomorrow
, I don't care if I wake uptomorrow, I don't care.
But I'm actively not going totry to get better, because at
this point nothing feels likeit's going to get better and I
stayed like that for about threemore months and then I had to
(12:39):
go to the hospital again for ableeding episode, and during the
bleeding episode I noticed thata nurse was doing something
wrong.
But you know, in that moment Ididn't care.
I didn't care because I waslike, well, what's the point?
I don't feel like advocatingfor myself, I don't feel like
(13:02):
advocating for myself, I don'tfeel like fighting for myself.
So, whatever happens happens.
And, to make the long storyshort, that error ended up
causing my arm to become superswollen and black and I couldn't
move it, and it was a lot, alot, a lot, a lot, a lot of pain
(13:23):
.
And then I was worried thatthey were going to amputate my
arm.
And then, all of a sudden, likeit dawned on me I don't want to
die.
I don't want to die, I want tolive.
I'm just in a lot of pain and Ineeded, in a way, that reminder
of no, you're letting your lifego to waste because you're
(13:47):
having all these emotions thatyou're not addressing.
You got tired of addressingthem because nothing felt better
.
So you started giving up.
But hey, listen, if you give up, give up, you're going to lose
your life, and that's somethingthat we don't want to give up on
.
And so I remember grabbing myphone and typing with my other
hand to the coordinator of theprogram that I had been in and I
(14:12):
was like listen, I know Igraduated this program, but I'm
honestly not okay.
I'm honestly not okay.
And she said go to the hospital.
I'm like I'm already here, butit's a hospital that is an hour
and a half away from home.
I'm going to wait until I getback home.
And I did.
(14:32):
I waited until I got back home.
And then I was like I don'twant to go, I'm fine, I feel
better now.
I feel so much better now.
And my graduation from collegehappened, and that day was
horrible.
It was as if all the progressthat I had made that week
suddenly came tumbling down andall the thoughts that I had had
(14:55):
of, oh you know what, like Igraduated, I'm going to get a
better job and I'm going to beable to help my family, I'm
going to be able to help my mom,I'm going to contribute to
society, I'm just going to begood.
All of a sudden, all of thosethoughts turned completely sour
and I was like this is not good,this is not good, this is not
(15:22):
good.
And one of my friends, I toldher I was like I want to go
camping, I want to spend a dayout in the world with nature and
just kind of ground myself.
And I went camping with her andit was amazing, even though I
cried every single second of itand I kept apologizing to her
and I was like I'm so sorry, I'mso sorry, but I'm in so much
(15:43):
pain and I really need to talkabout this.
And she was like it's okay,like just let it out, just let
it out.
And at one point she told meshe's like Frances, I really
think you should get more help.
And was like you know whatyou're right.
So the next day, when she tookme home, which was Mother's Day,
(16:05):
my sister took me to thehospital and I told him I was
like listen, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live.
I don't have any activethoughts of committing suicide
or self-harming, but I also, atthe same time, feel like I
(16:26):
wouldn't care if somethinghappened to me and I ended up
going impatient and I know a lotof people are scared of the
stigma that comes with beingimpatient, but I gotta say I
needed that.
I don't think that I would behere today without having gone
(16:49):
there, and that's such a scarything to say, but it's also.
I'm just so glad that I got thehope that I needed, because,
like I love life and I mighthave already said this, but I'm
going to say it again Like Iwant to live, I want to
(17:14):
experience life, I want tocreate memories, I want to meet
people, I want to tell stories,I want to create memories, I
want to meet people, I want totell stories, I want to do
podcasts, I want to do film, Iwant to act, I want to do all
this stuff that if I were toleave tomorrow or leave today, I
wouldn't get a chance to.
And so that's why I think it'sso important for each one of us
(17:38):
to recognize when we need helpand what type of help we need.
Well, my dear passenger, as Ialways say, self-growth is an
endless journey towardsself-improvement.
However, you don't ever have todo it alone.
As your tour guide, my goal isto guide you with the best
intentions and the best researchavailable.
Today, I want to tell you, mydear passenger, that you're not
(18:04):
alone.
You're not alone in yoursuicidal ideation.
You're not alone in yourthoughts of not feeling enough,
in your thoughts of feelingworthless, in your thoughts of
feeling like a burden.
I, too, have felt all of thesethoughts and more, and I'm here
to tell the tale because Idecided to get the help that I
needed.
And I want to make sure that youguys get the help that you need
because, at the end of the day,I want to celebrate you.
(18:27):
I want to go to your awardceremony, I want to go to your
graduation, I want to go to yourbaby's baptism.
I want to be there when youmake a speech about how great
life has gone ever since you gotthe help that you needed and,
my dear passenger, only youreally know what's going on
inside you.
So, please, please, please.
(18:48):
I ask that you take a momenttoday to do an inventory of how
you're feeling and if there'sanything that feels not right,
or if you have already dealtwith suicidal ideation, please
dial 988.
Please take the time to giveyourself the opportunity of
getting better and if you everwant to reach out to me, you
(19:10):
know where to find me.
Well, my dear passengers, untilthe next stop.
Safe travels, bye!
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