May 15, 2025 • 9 mins
The sex addiction field has the crisis phase dialed in. We know exactly what to do to save your marriage and begin the healing process.
But… then what?
This is where things start to get murky.
Guys need to transition from sobriety to recovery.
And, the relational healing will also need to evolve.
It can be tough for addicts and couples when they head into year 2+. There’s a lot more individuality and uniqueness that will need to be accounted for.
In this episode, I discuss a plateau that many men and couples find themselves at when they are in the advanced stages of recovery.
Many of the guys in my groups are >2 years into recovery. This is actually why they joined my group. They knew that they needed to dig deeper if they were going to achieve long-term sobriety and heal their marriage.
If you find yourself on this plateau, maybe our groups are a good fit for where you are. Head over to our website and fill out an application: www.successfuladdict.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Sex addiction field does an amazing job with
the crisis phase.
You are listening to the sex addiction podcast
for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.
This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and
recovery principles
specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.
I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The
(00:20):
Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving
men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For
more information about joining our group or attending
our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.
And now enjoy the rest of the episode.
The first six months, eight months of this
sex addiction and what it's doing to your
marriage, the field does a great job. We
(00:41):
have that piece dialed in. Right? Step by
step by step by step. And the couples
that follow it actually have a high likelihood
of staying together. You know, the last research
that I saw said eighty four percent chance
of staying married. We have that phase pretty
well figured out. However, after eight months, that's
when things start to fall apart. And for
those of you listening who are eight months
(01:01):
plus post discovery, you know exactly what I'm
talking about. Right? That's where things get murky.
Right? It was really black and white until
we get into that second phase, and that's
where things start to become really gray. They
become gray. They become murky. What works for
one guy will not work for another guy.
What works for one couple will not work
for another couple. And so, I'm sharing this
with you because I find very very often
(01:21):
in the sex addiction field that men and
women get a little stuck in the crisis
phase. And what I mean by that is,
I mean, their treatment strategies
are not being updated as they are progressing.
So for example, the guys. Right? So much
of this is based off of abstinence
and sobriety. Right? That's kind of the first,
you know, two, three, four months of recovery
(01:43):
is, hey, do I know how to not
do these behaviors? Can I implement tools into
my life so that I can stop this
stuff from happening, ruining my life? But eventually,
we gotta get into recovery. Sobriety's
great and all, but it's not gonna help
you go the distance. Eventually, it gets old,
we take our foot off the gas a
little bit and guys inevitably slip or relapse.
So don't do that. I think guys are
(02:04):
slipping and relapsing because I think they keep
leaning on too many of the treatment strategies
in the crisis phase, that abstinence and sobriety
based practices. Once you have that figured out,
you've got to move on to recovery. You
need to figure out what are these brain
processes that I have become compulsive around or
addicted to, and how do I change those.
Right? And that's a very, very different plan
(02:25):
than sobriety and abstinence. Right? So if you
guys are finding that the 12 step model
is not working, maybe some of those initial
treatments are just not having the same effect
and you're finding yourself or or having urges
or maybe you're slipping or edging or or
even relapsing. That's probably why we've got to
graduate from those. And the same goes for
couples. We have this really well dialed in,
the sex addiction field does in the beginning.
(02:46):
But after those first eight months, things need
to change. Right? A lot of the first
eight months in that crisis phase is about
getting you and your wife to a point
where you can breathe. You guys are help
creating a healthy container for the two of
you to thrive. We're setting the couple up
for long term success. But you can't keep
staying in the setup phase. And eventually, the
work does need to be done by both
(03:07):
parties. Right? And so what I'm saying is
the treatment strategies, the treatment plan in place
needs to be updated as the couple is
moving along
towards
the healthy side of things. Right? So as
they're progressing, the treatment methods and the tools
you guys are using as a couple need
to be updated. And this goes for men
and couples as we start moving away from
(03:27):
the addicted or betrayal trauma side of things,
it's gonna start looking a lot less sex
addiction specific, and it's gonna start just kind
of migrating more towards traditional proven
sound
psychology. Right? Because in the end, we're both
just humans. I mean, that's really what this
is about. Recovery is a very human process,
and relational recovery is a human process between
(03:48):
two humans. And so, we need to constantly
be assessing our treatment plan and saying, hey,
are we really doing what we need right
now? Am I really doing the work that's
gonna help me recover long term? Get these
urges and behaviors out of my life for
good. Are we really doing what we need
to do as a couple right now to
honor the coupleship? Now,
one thing I want everybody listen to is
I am not in any way telling people
(04:09):
to hurry up or accelerate the recovery process.
I'm not saying that. Your wife's healing is
gonna take the time it takes. There's nothing
you can do to hurry her along. She's
gonna do the work and it's gonna take
the time that it takes. And guys, same
thing for you. Recovery, there's things we can
do to slow it down and there's things
we can do to speed it up. Sure.
Just like when the couple ship, but at
the same time, you know, this isn't a
race. Right? It's about doing the work that
(04:30):
needs to be done and that's gonna be
different from person to person to person. One
of the things that I was the most
shocked about when I got into recovery was
I'm used to being this high achiever. Typically,
most rooms I come into, I'm usually somewhere
towards the top in these rooms. But when
I got into recovery, it was the opposite.
I mean, I was more screwed up than
mostly guys in there and so my recovery
was long. It was drawn out. There's so
many things that I was gonna need to
(04:50):
do and so obviously, it's gonna take more
time. So I just wanna make sure that
everybody understands
speed is not what I'm saying here. I'm
not talking about speed. I'm not talking about
speeding this up. What I'm saying is not
slowing yourself down unnecessarily
or relying on a treatment plan, which I
see this all the time. That's the reason
I'm recording this episode. I see so many
guys relying on a treatment plan that is
not gonna go the distance. It's not. They
(05:12):
are going to slip. They are going to
relapse. I've been in this now, and I've
seen it happen over and over again. I'll
see a guy, and I'm like, no. He's
not in recovery. He's doing sobriety and abstinence,
but he's not in recovery. And without fail,
the guy will slip, relapse. And the same
goes for the coupleship. Right? Are you guys
actually repairing? Is there some rebuilding of some
trust that's going on? Or are you guys
just kind of in the washing machine talking
(05:33):
about how you're going to one day recover.
Right? Which is kind of what we do
in the crisis phase. Now, again, I'm bringing
this up. Up. All of those things in
that initial phase are important. I'm not asking
you to speed them up. I'm not asking
you to shortcut them, cut them out. That's
not what I'm saying. What I'm saying though
is if they're working and you guys are
inching your way towards
healthy recovery or as a couple, a healthy
(05:54):
marriage, just make sure that your treatment strategies
and your treatment team and all the things
you guys are doing as a couple are
moving along so you're not staying stuck and
relying on treatment strategies that are just simply
not gonna help the phase that you two
guys are in. So I say all this
just to be mindful. Right? Well, the sex
addiction field, because so many people need help
in the crisis phase, a lot of the
(06:16):
help that's out there, a lot of the
information that's out there does speak to the
crisis phase. But again, that does not mean
that that's what needs to be focused on
the sex addiction field as a whole. There's
just a lot of content in that area
because there is just such a need for
it. Couples are so scared during that time.
But again, I think the challenge is because
there's such an emphasis
on the practices that are done really early
(06:36):
on, I find people gets kinda stuck in
those and they're not as exposed to, hey,
what are the more advanced strategies that we
use in relational recovery? What are those? What
are the couples doing who are actually coming
out of this and then starting to thrive?
Right? If they're starting to trust their husbands,
how are they trusting their husbands and what
are they doing to trust their husbands more?
Right? What's the husband doing? Right? It's a
lot of these things that couples and guys
(06:57):
in advanced recovery need to figure out. Like,
woah. Woah. That guy is not relapsing. How
did he get there? He's not slipping. He
has no urges and cravings. Like, what's that
guy do? Right? And so it's a lot
of those processes that are just not as
commonly discussed in the sex addiction field because
by that time, it starts to not look
a lot like sex addiction. That's why. Once
you start margarating towards healthy,
(07:17):
the relational recovery starts to look more like
typical relational recovery. Right? And the same goes
for guys in their recovery work. In the
beginning, it's very focused on the sexual behaviors,
and then it starts to kind of get
more towards traditional psychology. So again, be careful.
Don't get stuck. You're not a sex addict.
You're not a betrayed partner. You're not a
(07:37):
betrayed broken marriage. Yes. Those things happen to
you, but that's not your identity.
We have to learn how to manage that,
and then eventually, we go back to being
humans and then doing human stuff. So, again,
honor the work, put in the work, do
your research. But keep in mind, eventually, you
are gonna have to transition out of sex
addiction specific work and into just sound proven
(07:59):
psychology for you guys to actually go the
distance and recover from this thing. We need
to graduate. So go to your therapist. Go
to whoever your support teams is, your support
groups, and bring this up. Just ask, hey.
What is the plan? What is the plan
to go from here to here? How's that
look? And have them explain it to you
so you guys can make sure that you're
actually doing the things necessary to get to
where you wanna go. Because frankly, when I
look around, I see a lot of people
(08:21):
hanging out just relying on absence and sobriety
based practices, hoping that this is gonna build
some sort of long term solution. And the
truth is, it just doesn't. Eventually, we do
gotta get back to doing the sound human
work like all of you guys. You're humans.
You're not sex addicts. You're humans. You're not
betrayed relationships. Right? We are people. We're still
people. And so remember, what sound psychology says
(08:42):
about people and about relationships still apply to
couples affected
by sexual betrayal and sexual infidelity.
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you
are a high achiever of the sex addiction
and you're looking for a recovery group full
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group
using four day retreats,
(09:03):
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and
save your marriage, go to our website and
fill out our application. If you enjoyed this
episode, please pass it along to a friend
in recovery who would benefit from listening. It
is my mission to get this information out
to as many high achievers as possible, and
I can't do it without your help.
Sex addiction field does an amazing job with
the crisis phase.
You are listening to the sex addiction podcast
for high achievers, business professionals, executives, and entrepreneurs.
This podcast is designed to apply sobriety and
recovery principles
specifically to the mindset of the high achiever.
I'm your host, Roland Cochran, founder of The
(00:20):
Successful Addict, a recovery group for high achieving
men struggling with sex and porn addiction. For
more information about joining our group or attending
our next retreat, visit successfuladdict.com.
And now enjoy the rest of the episode.
The first six months, eight months of this
sex addiction and what it's doing to your
marriage, the field does a great job. We
(00:41):
have that piece dialed in. Right? Step by
step by step by step. And the couples
that follow it actually have a high likelihood
of staying together. You know, the last research
that I saw said eighty four percent chance
of staying married. We have that phase pretty
well figured out. However, after eight months, that's
when things start to fall apart. And for
those of you listening who are eight months
(01:01):
plus post discovery, you know exactly what I'm
talking about. Right? That's where things get murky.
Right? It was really black and white until
we get into that second phase, and that's
where things start to become really gray. They
become gray. They become murky. What works for
one guy will not work for another guy.
What works for one couple will not work
for another couple. And so, I'm sharing this
with you because I find very very often
(01:21):
in the sex addiction field that men and
women get a little stuck in the crisis
phase. And what I mean by that is,
I mean, their treatment strategies
are not being updated as they are progressing.
So for example, the guys. Right? So much
of this is based off of abstinence
and sobriety. Right? That's kind of the first,
you know, two, three, four months of recovery
(01:43):
is, hey, do I know how to not
do these behaviors? Can I implement tools into
my life so that I can stop this
stuff from happening, ruining my life? But eventually,
we gotta get into recovery. Sobriety's
great and all, but it's not gonna help
you go the distance. Eventually, it gets old,
we take our foot off the gas a
little bit and guys inevitably slip or relapse.
So don't do that. I think guys are
(02:04):
slipping and relapsing because I think they keep
leaning on too many of the treatment strategies
in the crisis phase, that abstinence and sobriety
based practices. Once you have that figured out,
you've got to move on to recovery. You
need to figure out what are these brain
processes that I have become compulsive around or
addicted to, and how do I change those.
Right? And that's a very, very different plan
(02:25):
than sobriety and abstinence. Right? So if you
guys are finding that the 12 step model
is not working, maybe some of those initial
treatments are just not having the same effect
and you're finding yourself or or having urges
or maybe you're slipping or edging or or
even relapsing. That's probably why we've got to
graduate from those. And the same goes for
couples. We have this really well dialed in,
the sex addiction field does in the beginning.
(02:46):
But after those first eight months, things need
to change. Right? A lot of the first
eight months in that crisis phase is about
getting you and your wife to a point
where you can breathe. You guys are help
creating a healthy container for the two of
you to thrive. We're setting the couple up
for long term success. But you can't keep
staying in the setup phase. And eventually, the
work does need to be done by both
(03:07):
parties. Right? And so what I'm saying is
the treatment strategies, the treatment plan in place
needs to be updated as the couple is
moving along
towards
the healthy side of things. Right? So as
they're progressing, the treatment methods and the tools
you guys are using as a couple need
to be updated. And this goes for men
and couples as we start moving away from
(03:27):
the addicted or betrayal trauma side of things,
it's gonna start looking a lot less sex
addiction specific, and it's gonna start just kind
of migrating more towards traditional proven
sound
psychology. Right? Because in the end, we're both
just humans. I mean, that's really what this
is about. Recovery is a very human process,
and relational recovery is a human process between
(03:48):
two humans. And so, we need to constantly
be assessing our treatment plan and saying, hey,
are we really doing what we need right
now? Am I really doing the work that's
gonna help me recover long term? Get these
urges and behaviors out of my life for
good. Are we really doing what we need
to do as a couple right now to
honor the coupleship? Now,
one thing I want everybody listen to is
I am not in any way telling people
(04:09):
to hurry up or accelerate the recovery process.
I'm not saying that. Your wife's healing is
gonna take the time it takes. There's nothing
you can do to hurry her along. She's
gonna do the work and it's gonna take
the time that it takes. And guys, same
thing for you. Recovery, there's things we can
do to slow it down and there's things
we can do to speed it up. Sure.
Just like when the couple ship, but at
the same time, you know, this isn't a
race. Right? It's about doing the work that
(04:30):
needs to be done and that's gonna be
different from person to person to person. One
of the things that I was the most
shocked about when I got into recovery was
I'm used to being this high achiever. Typically,
most rooms I come into, I'm usually somewhere
towards the top in these rooms. But when
I got into recovery, it was the opposite.
I mean, I was more screwed up than
mostly guys in there and so my recovery
was long. It was drawn out. There's so
many things that I was gonna need to
(04:50):
do and so obviously, it's gonna take more
time. So I just wanna make sure that
everybody understands
speed is not what I'm saying here. I'm
not talking about speed. I'm not talking about
speeding this up. What I'm saying is not
slowing yourself down unnecessarily
or relying on a treatment plan, which I
see this all the time. That's the reason
I'm recording this episode. I see so many
guys relying on a treatment plan that is
not gonna go the distance. It's not. They
(05:12):
are going to slip. They are going to
relapse. I've been in this now, and I've
seen it happen over and over again. I'll
see a guy, and I'm like, no. He's
not in recovery. He's doing sobriety and abstinence,
but he's not in recovery. And without fail,
the guy will slip, relapse. And the same
goes for the coupleship. Right? Are you guys
actually repairing? Is there some rebuilding of some
trust that's going on? Or are you guys
just kind of in the washing machine talking
(05:33):
about how you're going to one day recover.
Right? Which is kind of what we do
in the crisis phase. Now, again, I'm bringing
this up. Up. All of those things in
that initial phase are important. I'm not asking
you to speed them up. I'm not asking
you to shortcut them, cut them out. That's
not what I'm saying. What I'm saying though
is if they're working and you guys are
inching your way towards
healthy recovery or as a couple, a healthy
(05:54):
marriage, just make sure that your treatment strategies
and your treatment team and all the things
you guys are doing as a couple are
moving along so you're not staying stuck and
relying on treatment strategies that are just simply
not gonna help the phase that you two
guys are in. So I say all this
just to be mindful. Right? Well, the sex
addiction field, because so many people need help
in the crisis phase, a lot of the
(06:16):
help that's out there, a lot of the
information that's out there does speak to the
crisis phase. But again, that does not mean
that that's what needs to be focused on
the sex addiction field as a whole. There's
just a lot of content in that area
because there is just such a need for
it. Couples are so scared during that time.
But again, I think the challenge is because
there's such an emphasis
on the practices that are done really early
(06:36):
on, I find people gets kinda stuck in
those and they're not as exposed to, hey,
what are the more advanced strategies that we
use in relational recovery? What are those? What
are the couples doing who are actually coming
out of this and then starting to thrive?
Right? If they're starting to trust their husbands,
how are they trusting their husbands and what
are they doing to trust their husbands more?
Right? What's the husband doing? Right? It's a
lot of these things that couples and guys
(06:57):
in advanced recovery need to figure out. Like,
woah. Woah. That guy is not relapsing. How
did he get there? He's not slipping. He
has no urges and cravings. Like, what's that
guy do? Right? And so it's a lot
of those processes that are just not as
commonly discussed in the sex addiction field because
by that time, it starts to not look
a lot like sex addiction. That's why. Once
you start margarating towards healthy,
(07:17):
the relational recovery starts to look more like
typical relational recovery. Right? And the same goes
for guys in their recovery work. In the
beginning, it's very focused on the sexual behaviors,
and then it starts to kind of get
more towards traditional psychology. So again, be careful.
Don't get stuck. You're not a sex addict.
You're not a betrayed partner. You're not a
(07:37):
betrayed broken marriage. Yes. Those things happen to
you, but that's not your identity.
We have to learn how to manage that,
and then eventually, we go back to being
humans and then doing human stuff. So, again,
honor the work, put in the work, do
your research. But keep in mind, eventually, you
are gonna have to transition out of sex
addiction specific work and into just sound proven
(07:59):
psychology for you guys to actually go the
distance and recover from this thing. We need
to graduate. So go to your therapist. Go
to whoever your support teams is, your support
groups, and bring this up. Just ask, hey.
What is the plan? What is the plan
to go from here to here? How's that
look? And have them explain it to you
so you guys can make sure that you're
actually doing the things necessary to get to
where you wanna go. Because frankly, when I
look around, I see a lot of people
(08:21):
hanging out just relying on absence and sobriety
based practices, hoping that this is gonna build
some sort of long term solution. And the
truth is, it just doesn't. Eventually, we do
gotta get back to doing the sound human
work like all of you guys. You're humans.
You're not sex addicts. You're humans. You're not
betrayed relationships. Right? We are people. We're still
people. And so remember, what sound psychology says
(08:42):
about people and about relationships still apply to
couples affected
by sexual betrayal and sexual infidelity.
Thanks for listening to this episode. If you
are a high achiever of the sex addiction
and you're looking for a recovery group full
of like minded men, visit successfuladdict.com.
We provide men with a recovery mastermind group
using four day retreats,
(09:03):
weekly group calls, and daily accountability check ins.
If you wanna achieve long term sobriety and
save your marriage, go to our website and
fill out our application. If you enjoyed this
episode, please pass it along to a friend
in recovery who would benefit from listening. It
is my mission to get this information out
to as many high achievers as possible, and
I can't do it without your help.
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