June 24, 2025 • 43 mins
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Let's get real for a second. Do you ever scroll through Social Media and wonder if everyone else is having better sex than you? Or catch yourself comparing your relationship to that "perfect" couple who seems to have it all figured out? Friend, we've ALL been there. And it's time to stop the madness. In this episode, Leah and Dr. Willow are serving up some serious truth about how relationship comparison is quietly destroying your sexual confidence—and what to do about it and keeping you from the love you crave.
EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS
- Performance anxiety affects everyone equally - Men and women struggle with sexual confidence in different but equally challenging ways
- Sexual phases are totally normal - Every couple goes through different levels of intimacy, and that's okay
- Presence beats perfection - The most incredible sex comes from vulnerability, connection, and being fully present—not looking like a porn star
- Your attention creates your reality - Focus on your partner's greatness instead of their flaws, and watch your relationship transform
- Comparison is a choice - You can flip the script from jealousy to inspiration with the right tools
LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE: https://www.sexreimagined.com/blog/Leah-and-Dr-Willow-Comparison-Kills-Intimacy
The Power of Pleasure, A Free Summit July 23-24, 2025. This 2-day live event will feature trailblazers in the field of conscious sexuality. Join us for FREE!
AWAKENING THE GODDESS IN CRETE! Leah & Willow want to take you on an all-woman's tantric pilgrimage to Greece Oct 5-12, 2025! Join us for a trip of lifetime.
LAST 10x LONGER. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, you are not alone, master 5 techniques to cure this stressful & embarrassing issue once and for all. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST20.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Willow (00:06):
Is your sex life good enough?
Let's redefine what that reallymeans.
If you find yourself comparingyour relationship to other
couples, be it in real life oronline or in the movies, then
we've got a new perspective foryou.
Leah (00:22):
Yeah, and let's face it, we are all guilty of that.
So let's take this all apart andput it back together.
Tune in, turn on, and fall inlove with myself and the
beautiful Dr.
Willow.
Announcer (00:34):
Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is
shame-free and pleasure forward.
Let's get into the show.
Leah (00:43):
You ready?
Dig in.
Willow (00:45):
All
Leah (00:45):
Alright.
So,
Willow (00:46):
this all the time.
They compare themselves toothers, compare their
relationships to other people'srelationships, their children,
to other people's
Leah (00:54):
oh my God.
Willow (00:55):
their
Leah (00:56):
jobs, their career.
Willow (00:57):
of money they make.
I
Leah (00:58):
I.
Willow (00:58):
we're really swimming in a comparing mind kind of world.
Leah (01:03):
Yes, we are.
You know, I'll just straight outof the gate say, I believe, uh,
one of the keys to get out ofcomparing is to switch, to
collaborate.
How can we begin to take a lookat someone's relationship?
Someone's, I mean, all thethings that we judge, right?
(01:25):
That we compare and, and giveourselves a different
perspective.
I think starting with, well,that's interesting.
You know, get that curiousmindset on and go, well, that's
interesting that I am devaluingme and statusising them.
Willow (01:41):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (01:42):
Huh?
It's not like people are gonnasplatter all their problems on
their social media
Willow (01:47):
right.
Leah (01:48):
Account's.
Willow (01:49):
I think that's one of the things that's really
driving, comparing minds sodeeply these days and why it's
causing so much anxiety in theworld is because, you know,
we're constantly looking at thebright side of people's lives,
Not the shadow side.
People are, or if or if they'reposting shadow side, they're
posting it to get more likesbecause because they're being
vulnerable, you know.
And God bless all the differentreader.
(02:10):
posting, it's beautiful.
Whatever, share your life, you
Leah (02:13):
Yeah.
Willow (02:13):
have a good time, enjoy it.
Leah (02:14):
Yes.
Willow (02:15):
But, but be aware that, you know, couple that you might
be glorifying as is having itall has just is going through
just as much, you know, internalstuff as everyone else.
Leah (02:28):
Yeah.
You know, just, you know,remembering, I, I, I wanna
correct something I said thatthe anecdote to comparing is
collaboration.
That's actually not true.
It's competition.
The anecdote to competition,
Willow (02:42):
It's collaboration.
Leah (02:44):
which makes a lot more sense though it's all kind of in
the same wheelhouse by andlarge, you know.
If we are competing, if we areusing our, for instance, you
know, Instagram account to tryto measure up to people we are,
status ourselves against, we'rein competition of them.
Willow (03:01):
Right.
Leah (03:02):
we all are like curating our social media lives.
And what would it be like, howmuch more connection?
Could we actually establish ifwe weren't so curated, if we
could talk vulnerably,especially on our social media
channels.
And, you know, there are peoplewho are doing that, I think.
(03:22):
Um, but it's a sticky, it's asticky piece, and the statistics
are really heartbreaking whenwe're looking at, um, teenage
girls who are on social media.
They're the ones who are themost deeply affected by the
social media game.
Willow (03:36):
I.
Leah (03:37):
Yeah.
Willow (03:38):
Yeah, I I mean, and know, uh, this, this also this
drives a a lot of around the wayway that I look my body.
Yeah, the, clothes that I wear,just all of it, the the whole of
it all.
And it, it can, it can really,um, do a number on somebody's.
Self-worth, their sense ofself-worth.
(03:59):
and.
I think anytime we are comparingourselves, I have a long, deep
relationship with comparing forsure.
So I know it well and I, whatwhat I have learned over years
is that time, I, in envy or in,jealousy.
Generally, I tend toward envyover jealousy, which we can
define in a moment, but I alwaysknow if I'm feeling that.
(04:24):
I can identify those feelings aslike, that's a golden arrow
pointing to the thing that Ireally want.
So instead of wasting my time inTurmoil and and wha I I don't
have it.
I could spend that same amountof energy and start moving
toward creating that thing in myown life.
Leah (04:44):
Yeah.
When I think about.
W where I have spent timecomparing myself to others.
It's oftentimes money, bodybeauty.
You know how beautiful they are,how they're aging well.
Um, uh, physique, oh, I wish Ihad that stomach.
Oh, I wish my thighs and my buttlooked better than they do.
(05:07):
Um.
It's also like finances, wishingthat I had the kind of success,
um, or wealth that other people,you know, have maybe in our
niche.
Um, being, you know, wishing Ihad the energy to write a
fucking book.
Um, all those things that I, youknow, we kind of create this
(05:29):
standard of this is what successlooks like.
Willow (05:33):
right.
Leah (05:33):
This is like, this is what I should be achieving with my
health.
This is how I should be aging.
And I think it's natural for
Willow (05:42):
there's a lot of "should's" going on there, you
Yeah.
shitting all over All ourselves.
um, not Not actually.
present with what, what's thetrue, authentic desire?
These shoulds are coming fromoutside of ourselves.
It causes shoulder pain.
Notice that word should andshoulder are spelled the same.
Leah (05:59):
Oh, interesting.
That's a, that's an interesting,uh, bridge.
I also think it's natural for usto wanna look up to people.
So I think when we're taking alook at comparisons, what are
the judgments arising in ourmind?
Are we mean-spirited towards thepeople we are comparing
ourselves to?
Are we putting them down?
Willow (06:18):
Or are we mean spirited to ourselves?
Leah (06:20):
Yes.
Willow (06:21):
it in on ourselves?
Yeah.
Leah (06:23):
Yeah, both.
And and how do you do a patternshift?
Willow (06:28):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (06:29):
A trigger shift, and, and really think both looking at
that person with admiration, Iinstead of this judgy attitude
Willow (06:38):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (06:38):
Then looking and doing some fact finding, when we
review our own life experience,instead of concentrating on our
failures, which were so wired tolook at first start to go well,
where are my successes?
Where are my achievements?
Where do I win?
Where am I consistent?
Willow (06:58):
And also redefining what success is.
You know, I think real truesuccess is, is being okay with
Whatever is You know, it's likewe want, and we always want
want, we always the good, youknow, we wanna highlight and we
want before I'm that good if thegood isn't coming to us, then,
then it must be bad.
and that, make us feel likefailure.
(07:19):
Like we're not doing well, likewe're not doing it right.
And, um, you know, in thepractice practice of it's
welcoming all of it.
Leah (07:26):
mm-hmm.
Willow (07:27):
acceptance of all of it.
And if that's the same, um,premise of existential kink, you
know,
Leah (07:34):
Mm,
Willow (07:34):
to kink-ify the, that shadow elements that you're,
are, um, um, not good, you know,frustration irritability, the
anger, the resentment that'sbuilt up in your relationship
there must be some subconscious,unconscious reason you have been
a part of creating in your life.
(07:56):
So if you can actually Findpleasure, If You can find that
they're and part of that findingpleasure in it requires you not
life so seriously.
to.
Yes.
About getting a lot moreplayful, getting a a lot more
lighthearted about, oh my oh myGod, I created that curfuckle in
my my relationship again.
(08:17):
We've been through this argumenta million times in the 10 years
we've been together and here weare again.
How hilarious that that I keepdoing this.
I was, what, where is my get offin this?
Where, why am I in part of of meis enjoying it?
yeah.
And then, and And then, and thenthat takes the us Soma, you
know, that takes us to mind likewhere, part of of my body is
(08:40):
really this as pleasure and I.
and You might not be experiencedas the the.
of pleasure that you're familiarwith, but if if you dig into the
sensation and be like, well, ifin the pit of my stomach.
It's tight, it's they knotted itfeels, you know, makes me wanna
vomit.
I have that nausea feeling, thenyou can actually start to to go
(09:03):
that sensation and, and discoverthings about that sensation that
show you so that's, you know,bringing the darkness to the
light.
Leah (09:14):
Yeah, I, I, uh, I like that.
I think finding the funnywithout being too
self-deprecating is a really funway to, to flip your judgments
around.
Um, you know, my probablybiggest comparison wound has to
(09:34):
do with body image.
Um, having spent most of myadult life overweight.
Um, it was like I was alwayswrestling with my desirability
and feeling like I had to reallydig in very, very deep to find
that light, um, that radiancefrom the inside to make the
(09:55):
outside worthy of someone'ssexual attraction.
Um, or just in, in addition towanting to feel good in my skin
with clothes in addition to likewanting to go shopping, like
there was a big wound that justwanted to wear a bikini and feel
good in it.
Willow (10:11):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (10:11):
You know, and it just, it was, it just felt like a 20
years of trying to tackle thatone.
Um, and now that I feel like Ihave conquered the body, now the
new layer is aging and going,God, now my face looks old, you
know?
Um, and oh, by the way, ifyou're watching this, you don't
(10:31):
think I look that old.
There's, there's glowy filtersgoing on, people.
Um, so, you know, it'sinteresting.
Willow (10:39):
very radiant.
Leah (10:39):
It's,
Willow (10:40):
we're on Riverside
Leah (10:41):
I'm like, how do I,
Willow (10:42):
get those filters going on my side.
Leah (10:44):
I actually think it's not Riverside.
It's, it's your computer.
Willow (10:48):
Oh,
Leah (10:48):
Yes.
Your camera settings.
Yes, ma am.
Willow (10:51):
dialed in.
Leah (10:53):
Uh, and so if we were, if I was thinking about this
through existential kink, takinga look at like Yeah, who wants
to fucking an old lady?
Yeah.
What a hag you look like.
You must really like gettingold.
'cause guess what?
You're old, you know, it's likefinding a way to like
Willow (11:10):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (11:11):
to, to look at and get and make it ridiculous.
Willow (11:16):
Yeah.
Leah (11:17):
that's a concern.
And like then with the bodyweight issue, I can't tell you
how many times I was in thepresence of a more full figured
woman just thought her body wasgorgeous.
Willow (11:29):
Right?
Leah (11:30):
watching her in, um, sexual situations or in sessions
and her body's contorting intoall these positions, positions I
felt so uncomfortable in becauseI was imagining what I looked
like and looking at them and go,I'd fuck her.
Willow (11:45):
mm
Leah (11:46):
it's like they're really, really hot, beautiful bodacious,
like amazing curves and sowomanly and, and I've had
thoughts in the recent past ofgoing I kind of wish I looked
like that.
You know, like I have hadmoments of going and even seen
old pictures of myself,
Willow (12:03):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (12:04):
um, and going
Willow (12:05):
overweight.
Leah (12:06):
yes, and going and, and I have memories of me and Matt
first dating and I was at one ofthe heaviest points in my life,
and he had this big mirror thatcovered his closet.
You know, those closets thathave mirrors?
Um, and so I got to watch ushave sex, and I looked
beautiful, like I couldn'tbelieve how hot I looked having
(12:29):
sex with him.
I wa I really was amazing.
I really was amazing.
I think fondly on those mirrordays, those mirrors were so
convenient for where the bedposition is.
Willow (12:39):
mirror in the bedroom.
Leah (12:40):
I know I have a giant mirror in my bedroom and there's
no good position for it in howthat bedroom is designed.
So I.
Willow (12:49):
You'd have to put it in front of the
Leah (12:50):
I know, uh,
Willow (12:52):
Yeah.
Leah (12:52):
maybe one on the ceiling.
I, I wouldn't be opposed tothat,
Willow (12:55):
Yeah,
Leah (12:56):
it'd be cheesy.
When people come and walk intoour bedroom, I'm giving them a,
of the house.
There's a big giant mirror onthe ceiling there.
I can imagine the eye rolls.
Willow (13:04):
like each other.
Well, then the session work thatyou do in your bedroom.
Leah (13:07):
Oh, well, like my, uh, my family, that's, that's the,
those are the people that cometo mind like, Hey, my
father-in-law walks in given thetour of the house.
Don't mind the ceiling.
And I mean, the mirror on theceiling with the bed.
How awkward
Willow (13:21):
that's
Leah (13:21):
I would do it though.
Willow (13:22):
You would
Leah (13:23):
Mm-hmm.
Willow (13:23):
do it.
I would do it too.
Why not?
Who cares?
It's your bedroom.
You do what you want in there,you know?
And this is, um, this wholepiece around, uh, you know, the
body comparison
Leah (13:33):
Yeah,
Willow (13:33):
It's like you, maybe you had, you know.
Overweight, quote unquote, like,Like, what wanna call
overweight?
You know, it's
Leah (13:41):
Right.
That's so subjective.
Willow (13:42):
there's medical levels of that, and then there's just
like subjective levels of that.
but But I've always you know,grown up in a pretty, you know,
Barbie shaped kind of perfectof, yeah.
still had the same kind of youyou comparing self Deprivation,
self hatred around my Body andand not good good enough.
(14:05):
especially
Leah (14:06):
How old were you when that was the most heightened?
Willow (14:08):
Well, Well, I was growing up up in southern
California before more socialmedia, thank God.
I don't think I Right.
I would've made it through thethe social media right landmine
if if I, I'cause I was alreadyso so at that point, you
Leah (14:21):
How old were you?
Willow (14:22):
you know, teens
Leah (14:23):
Okay.
Willow (14:23):
13, 14, 15.
And um, and so yeah, I'vedeveloped eating disorders,
which we've Talked about.
on other podcasts and showsbefore.
But you Know, I think can bereally.
Hard when when you're in arelationship it's like there's,
it's one thing to, yourself.
Like my body, I'm I'm not makingthem, I I want know, whatever
(14:44):
those that are more personal,
Leah (14:46):
Mm-hmm.
Willow (14:46):
it's Definitely a whole nother layer when you're
comparing you and anotherperson's interaction and and and
life to other.
relationships.
Leah (15:00):
I can guarantee you that probably the number one
comparison between couples ishow much sex we're having
compared to how much sex they'rehaving.
And oftentimes in marriages andlong-term relationships, it's
like we measure how well are wedoing by, are we having enough
sex?
Willow (15:19):
Yeah.
Leah (15:20):
that has certainly plagued me most of my adult life, and
it's been accentuated by being asex educator
Willow (15:27):
Right.
Leah (15:28):
like, you know, I we're supposed to have this idealistic
best sex ever all the time,consistently.
And that's not reality either.
These beautiful couples you seeon Instagram, you don't know
what their sex life is.
They may be looking sexy, butthat doesn't mean they're having
the world's greatest sex or arehaving a lot of frequent sex.
(15:49):
Some of them are.
Some people, either theircompatibility is just wired that
way or they have a higher sexdrive.
You know, God bless, gimme someof that.
Um, and, and other people havereally wonderful relationships,
but they may only have sex oncea month
Willow (16:05):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (16:06):
even less than that.
And we go through these phases.
We had an episode all aboutsexual phases.
Which I think is a really great,um, tool and insight to take a
look at calming yourself downwhen you're in judgements to
especially when it comes to sexand you're comparing your sex
life to other people.
Look at what stage yourpartner's in look at what stage
(16:29):
you are in.
We'll have a link in the shownotes if you wanna review that,
because that solved some of mycomparison issues, was learning
about the five different sexualstages.
Willow (16:39):
I think that's such a good point, and something that
rings true in all sectors oflife.
It's like, you you know, we gotthe seasons in life, we go
through different stages if weare in a deep unraveling season
a fall season of our life wherethings kind of of just all
falling apart, all around usit's best to just be in honoring
(17:02):
of the fact that that that ispart of Upleveling, you know,
That's part of finding.
Path forward Mm-hmm.
is the the unbecoming what, whatyou know yourself to be.
That's one of the things forsome reason, I woke up this
morning and just startedlistening to existential kink at
like six 30 in the morning andlistened until we started
(17:23):
recording So I've been in thatmind frame all day and it's um,
you know, she really highlightslike wake up every day and tell
yourself like, I am not who Ithink I am.
Ah, Because
Leah (17:35):
yes.
Willow (17:36):
deep, Subconscious unconscious parts of ourselves
that we, that are driving our,all day long.
And then we've got that our egoat the forefront.
like, this is who I am and thisis how I do things, and this is
what keeps me feeling That'smm-hmm.
Basically, Um,
Leah (17:53):
great advice.
Willow (17:54):
yeah.
So So I just, you know.
think understand um, when youour projecting that somebody
else has some.
that you want and you can't haveit, um, take a closer a look at
what's underneath that.
Leah (18:12):
Mm-hmm.
Uh, and I think you've kind oftouched on this earlier, but how
can you transform the judgmentor the competition, um, or the
comparison to inspiration?
Yeah.
You know, um, that's one of thethings you were talking about
(18:32):
with the Golden Arrow is, youknow, this points to something
that I desire, and now let me beinspired by that.
What are things that I can do tomagnetize myself to receiving
these bigger desires that Ihave?
Willow (18:49):
Absolutely.
One of the things that I thinkis so magnetic, which is the
total opposite of what we'reconditionally and knee jerk
reaction really doing, is tofind a couple that you're like,
they have.
they have it at all.
you You know, they've got thesex life the kids the money, the
they've got and they're doingright.
(19:09):
Right.
who Cares if they are or not,but fucking, happy for them.
yeah, just enjoy, and bliss.
Leah (19:17):
celebration.
Mm-hmm.
Willow (19:19):
Celebration that they have that, because that means
that exists.
in the World And if there's adesire.
you to to Want something to havesomething.
If have that that crier, desire,it it means it's either of you,
it it as well.
So it's really just aboutremoving the blocks, the the the
limiting beliefs and unconsciouspatterns that are in the way of
(19:42):
you having it.
Leah (19:43):
Yeah.
And there are ways to practicethat.
Um, in Tantra, it's called SexMagic, where there's a whole
process of using your sexualenergy to manifest and magnetize
these realities becoming yours.
We'll do an episode and we'vegot some workshops in the mix
right now where we're gonna bespecializing and doing deep
(20:04):
dives, um, regarding the art ofsex magic.
So stay tuned for that.
Um.
And this is a lot, this conceptis something that I've put into
use in my life to great benefit,which I gleamed from the work of
Byron Katie, where that isbecoming a lover of reality.
Willow (20:26):
Yeah.
Leah (20:26):
and letting go of the attachments, like really
unplugging from these, but Iwant this and I need this, or
I'm entitled to this, or I'm notgood enough for this and this
will never happen, and I hope ithappens, you know, and, and on
and on and on, right?
Which just keeps us stuck in aloop of suffering and feeling
bad.
Um, and so there's this wholepremise, this idea of going, I
(20:48):
wanna be a lover of reality nomatter what my reality is.
How do I get there?
Willow (20:53):
Mm.
Leah (20:53):
And sh she's got a method.
I encourage you to look up ByronKatie on YouTube of questioning
your stressful thoughts.
Willow (21:01):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:02):
And it's really, really beautiful of, you know, really
getting to a place of true peace
Willow (21:08):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:08):
where you take something, um, that you've been comparing
yourself work with and youreally work it.
Willow (21:15):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:16):
simple.
It's pretty easy to do.
Um, and it's powerful.
Yeah.
Willow (21:21):
Four questions.
It's
Leah (21:23):
Like,
Willow (21:23):
that, is
Leah (21:24):
is it true?
Willow (21:25):
Is it really true?
Leah (21:28):
That's the second question.
Willow (21:29):
it
Leah (21:29):
True.
Is it really true?
Mm-hmm.
Willow (21:30):
are
Leah (21:31):
The first two questions.
Mm-hmm.
Willow (21:32):
like to, but you gotta dig deep.
Like, And and then do how do, Ithink the third the third one is
how do I feel?
I How do I feel when I believethat?
Yeah.
And then the forth one is, can Iswap it?
Can
Leah (21:43):
Yeah.
Willow (21:44):
it?
Leah (21:45):
There's, uh, the question I often use that's close to that
is, um, how do I treat myselfand how do I treat others when I
believe that thought?
Willow (21:55):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:55):
And it's that question.
Willow (21:58):
Yeah.
Leah (21:59):
it will really reveal a lot to you.
Willow (22:02):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (22:02):
I treat myself?
You know, what are the thoughtsthat I think, how do I put
myself down?
Willow (22:07):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (22:07):
where the hopelessness and then how do I judge that person?
What do I say that is unkind or,um, so on and so forth.
And then you take each of those
Willow (22:18):
Yeah.
Leah (22:19):
you rework those.
And then eventually the laststage is, now turn it around.
So gi, give me a stressfulthought and I'll give you an
example of turnarounds.
Willow (22:27):
Yeah.
Let's turn around.
Um, know, oh, Oh, that couplehas the money, they get to
travel all the all the time.
They've got and they they teachsexual healing around the world
together.
That would That would be like abig envy, yeah, point for me.
Leah (22:46):
so the, and there's a lot of concepts in that, so I'm just
gonna keep it simple and go,that couple gets to travel
around and then the turnaroundwould be that couple doesn't
travel around.
How is that true?
So you may have a judgment ofhow much they travel around.
Other people may have a judgmentthat's very different from that.
(23:07):
Another turnaround is theytravel at all.
Yes.
Willow (23:10):
10 times More than that.
So it's a perspective
Leah (23:13):
Yeah.
Like I travel around.
That's another turnaround.
Um.
And there's more.
We're probably doing a terriblejob at explaining this.
Willow (23:21):
think we could do better.
Let's
Leah (23:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll cut that part out.
We'll just say, go check outByron katie.org and learn all
about what she calls the work.
You can print out a worksheetand uh, just follow the
instructions and have abreakthrough.
Willow (23:36):
Yeah, I think, um, her work and, um, gosh, the guy I
love, Michael Singer, um, anyonewho's
Leah (23:45):
yeah.
I love Michael Singer.
Willow (23:47):
wrote the Surrender Experiment and then
Leah (23:50):
Didn't he, um, also write Untethered soul?
Um, yes.
That's what I love.
One of my favorites.
Yeah.
Willow (23:56):
And then, um, also, uh, Muji, Muji Baba,
Leah (24:02):
All right.
Willow (24:03):
meditation teacher.
All of of these are, they'rereally teaching non-duality.
So it's, it's really, it'sacceptance is at the of it.
Yes.
are Can you.
be okay?
I mean, I I love the way MichaelSinger.
it'cause he just says it sosimply and purely like.
Can you be okay?
You didn't
Leah (24:19):
Yes.
Willow (24:19):
thing you The thing you want, you got the opposite of
what you wanted.
you find a place inside of youthat's okay.
Leah (24:24):
Yes.
I love that.
And that kind of comes back tobe a lover of reality.
This is your beautiful life,
Willow (24:32):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (24:32):
know, and this is where tools like gratitude journals
can really flip the switch.
Um, you know, going through aprocess of just making a list of
what you're grateful for, thatmakes your life beautiful and
worth living.
Willow (24:44):
Yeah.
And making a list of the thingsyou're afraid of or the things
that give you anxiety so thatyou can actually, um, f you
know, be in a closerrelationship with them.
Usually, if there's something inour lives that's causing us
pain, causing us fear, causingus anxiety, we wanna get away
from it, we resist it, we createthis more tension with it, which
(25:07):
helps it grow inside of theunconscious mind and it helps it
appear more in life.
Leah (25:14):
Now, kind of coming back to sex, you know, what if the
most mind blowing sex really hadnothing to do with being perfect
or having the perfect body orperforming like a porn star or
looking beautiful in front ofthe mirror?
What is it that actually matterswhen it comes to having mind
blowing sex?
Willow (25:33):
Yeah.
What, what is like perfect, youknow, sex.
Anyway, we wanna actually,highlight that.
feeling.
Your arousal.
authentically, really Your bloodand learning.
That's why we teach theseancient art of of sexual,
healing and sexual pleasurebecause it's a way of moving
(25:56):
arousal through your body.
That no matter what body you'rein.
it looks hot Well, I'll, itfeels
Leah (26:03):
good.
I'll tell you something forsure.
All self-consciousness goes outthe door at peak levels of
arousal and orgasm.
You know, you are in the worldof that climax and your body's
doing what your body's made todo.
It is having a good old time.
And so really your mindfulness,the depth of your connection,
(26:23):
the depth of your presence, thewillingness to be vulnerable,
the willingness to trust, thewillingness to be real, the
willingness to feel thepleasure, that is the biggest
gift your body has for you.
And not denying yourself ofthat, but allowing yourself to
savor it can really get you outof body image issues and can get
(26:43):
you out of the performancecomparison we haven't tackled
that one.
Willow (26:48):
That's such a big one.
I mean that's, you know, porn isnot doing us any favors on, on
that note, um, porn is greatentertainment, but that's not
what real, like deep, intimatesex is, is all about.
Leah (27:01):
No.
And those penis sizes are veryunrealistic.
Okay.
Like, stop wanting that so bad,or thinking you're supposed to
have that.
Um, it's, it's such a disserviceto how men feel about their
bodies.
Is this obsession with cocksize?
So here's a little
Willow (27:16):
for for you right now, Leah, and our, listeners, and
I'd love to hear it in thecomments, which, um, this is
totally a subjective question,question, there's no right
answer, but which gender, malemale or female think has more?
uh, Um, performance anxiety
Leah (27:33):
Oh, wow.
I bet it's pretty equal.
Willow (27:37):
I was I was gonna say that too, say, but I mean, I I
wonder if you know, there arethere are some people think men
have have it more or women haveit more.
Leah (27:48):
Yeah.
Curious what the comments haveto say about this.
That's very interesting.
Um, I feel like in my.
Anecdotal experience of workingwith bodies and being in
classrooms, and then my own lifeexperience of being in this
body, Mm-hmm.
it feels like pretty equal.
I see a lot of people come ingetting support in our kind of
(28:10):
work, and what it comes down tois they're tackling confidence.
Willow (28:13):
Yeah,
Leah (28:14):
They want to feel skillful, they wanna feel
competent.
They wanna know that they canrely on their body expressing
itself, quote unquote, Right orbetter.
Willow (28:26):
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Leah (28:27):
They want to be able to help and, and be adequate for a
lover so they reach the placestheir lover would most desire
when it comes to, you know,their partner's arousal and
overall satisfaction.
Willow (28:42):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (28:43):
And we're not born knowing this shit.
And it is a skill and nobodyteaches us.
So it's a good question.
It's a good thing, I think, tobe seeking out, but to use it to
tear yourself down doesn't helpanybody,
Willow (28:57):
no.
Leah (28:57):
And it doesn't move you forward.
Willow (28:59):
That brings us back to curiosity.
You know, that's one of the,probably one of the big
antidotes to the comparing mindis just to get curious.
What does it, why are Are youhaving um, comparing mind and
what is it about you thatbelieves you can or cannot have
that?
And yeah.
When it comes to sexuality, wehaven't been educated well
Leah (29:24):
Yeah.
Willow (29:24):
getting a such sexual education with Tantra, with
Taoist, work with other, um,
Leah (29:30):
Therapy.
Go to therapy
Willow (29:32):
out
Leah (29:32):
out there?
Yeah.
Willow (29:33):
There's so much available these days to really
learn and then implement.
And the good news new aboutpracticing, and doing doing your
homework, is it's really fun.
Leah (29:45):
Yeah.
Tackling this debilitating,Painful, wounded habit of
comparing yourself to others isreally worth your time and
effort, and it will make youmore attractive.
Willow (29:57):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (29:58):
Um, it, there's, it's not fun to hang out with a person
who's complaining all the timeand who's always putting their
life down or their kids down, ortheir partner down.
Willow (30:08):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (30:09):
When you don't think your husband or wife or spouse is
good enough and you talk aboutit all the time, you know you're
creating that.
You are putting that into theworld.
And so one of the ways that youcan help have a different
experience of your kids and havea different experience of your
spouse is to keep your attentionon their greatness.
(30:29):
Put your attention on theirgifts, put your attention on
their goodness.
Put your attention on theirdivinity.
Put your attention on theirheart and, and the beauty that
is inside them.
Look for that beautiful soulinside their eyes, and then help
bring that out by relating tothat instead of always relating
to the ways that they disappointyou.
(30:51):
Because where you put yourattention kind of creates a
reality.
So if you're putting yourattention on the negative,
you're gonna have more negative.
Put that attention on the beautyand the positive, you'll get
more of that.
Willow (31:03):
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Absolutely.
Yeah, your sex life isn't meantto look like a scripted fantasy.
It's meant to feel real.
And the moment you stopcomparing and start embracing
what's truly pleasurable foryou, everything shifts.
You start focusing on what feelsgood instead of what looks good,
(31:23):
and you watch your entireexperience transform.
Leah (31:27):
Well preach sister.
Ain't that the truth?
You know, I think, um, what thatreally reminds me of is the
setup that starts at a very
Willow (31:37):
Yeah,
Leah (31:38):
young age.
Like the
Willow (31:38):
Walt Disney setup?
Leah (31:39):
Yes, the cartoons we watch and the movies we watch that
show happily ever after
Willow (31:45):
Yeah.
Leah (31:45):
That gives us this very normal vanilla, um, family
dynamic that we are expected toaspire to.
And I think that is actually thefirst comparison that we roll
around with.
And I really encourage folks tomake up your own damn rules.
Willow (32:05):
Yeah.
Leah (32:06):
Who says that relationships are supposed to
look like the movies?
And so I think we all know thatintellectually,
Willow (32:12):
Right.
I.
Leah (32:13):
that's different from the conditioned inside unconscious,
subconscious responses andtriggers.
Willow (32:20):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you know, some of us are,are more fantasizers to begin
with.
Like we just come in as like,we're dreamers and we're
fantasizes, and we want it allto be one beautiful, perfect
way.
And other people are a littlebit more orient reality and
facts and the and all of that,and so, Um, it's good it's those
(32:42):
things about about yourself toothat you you kind of can
understand.
Like if you're somebody into thefantasy and the dreaming of it
all and gets lost in that andloses what's who's loses the
thread what's.
real, then you can start toredirect your focus to sensation
(33:02):
and what is real and what'shappening in the moment.
Um, you know, get more in yourbody less.
In your dreamy, you know, rosecolored glasses, eyes, and
Leah (33:13):
Well,
Willow (33:14):
difference.
Leah (33:15):
I wonder, and please, parents inform me in the
comments.
I wonder if parents are stilltelling their kids you can have
it all.
There's, you can have it all.
I know our generation got thatand there are parts of that.
Oh, you didn't, I definitely gotthat messaging and took it to
(33:36):
heart, um, and really believedit.
And so on the one hand, I feellike you put that in the field
and it'll be possible forpeople, but it's not gonna be
possible for everybody.
So the people where they don'tachieve everything,
Willow (33:49):
Yeah.
Leah (33:49):
um.
They really feel bad aboutthemselves, you know, of
evermore.
And so it's kind of tricky thatline.
It's like, well, I can have itall, I can make all the money
and I can be a mom and have thekids and I can be a, a wife and
have a big house and take careof it.
And like all of a sudden we areburdened with so many
responsibilities we have to be.
Willow (34:10):
so much pressure on
Leah (34:11):
Uh,
Willow (34:12):
Yes.
Leah (34:13):
This, this level of success.
And so then we, this is anotherangle where we start comparing
other people's lives.
And if we're seeing somebody doit, we think they, they make it
look easy.
Willow (34:25):
Right, right.
Meanwhile, deep down inside,they're just under a massive
pressure cooker.
Leah (34:31):
Yes.
Willow (34:32):
just boiling inside.
Leah (34:33):
Yes.
They also cry themselves tosleep at night sometimes.
Willow (34:38):
Yeah, exactly.
Leah (34:39):
Yeah.
Willow (34:40):
It's normal that as a human being, we all go through
all the major human emotions.
We all go through anger, we allgo through sadness, we all go
through grief, we all go throughloss, and it's just
Leah (34:51):
Loathing, despair, hopelessness, grief.
I mean,
Willow (34:54):
And
Leah (34:55):
there are big ones.
Willow (34:56):
it's important to actually let yourself feel that
Leah (34:59):
Yeah.
Willow (35:00):
of time.
And really it's appropriate to
Leah (35:02):
Yes.
Willow (35:02):
appropriate to feel sad.
It's when you start to lose youressence into those emotions
Leah (35:09):
Yeah.
When you over identify yourselfto them like loathing.
Willow (35:14):
Yes, exactly.
Then you wanna start to try tofind new glasses to look
through.
My friends, they're not allrosy.
Leah (35:22):
Yeah.
Uh, you know, this came to mind.
I often will work with men,older gentlemen who are in their
sixties and seventies, and theyusually have great marriages.
Um, and even are continuing tohave sex, but it's like this one
(35:43):
last desire, this level ofinquiry that they find
themselves in.
Um, that's looking for, I don'tknow if it's lost youth.
I don't know if it's a certainvitality they don't wanna lose
touch with.
Willow (35:59):
Virility they once had.
Leah (36:00):
Yeah.
It's like, and it all sort ofpackaged in different ways about
the trappings of the story.
Um, but it does come back tosomething very essential, which
is not wanting to lose somethingand comparing themselves and
looking back at their youngerversion of their life and kind
(36:23):
of feels like this is my lastchance to live this part of my
being.
And because we do sexually age.
Penises sexually age.
But by the way, you guysclitoris don't
Willow (36:37):
That's right.
That's a
Leah (36:40):
But vaginas have their own aging issues as, as menopause
sets in.
So, you know, we do think aboutour missed chances or missed
opportunities from our youth.
Uh, many of them, many of ushave those.
Um.
What are your thoughts on that?
Willow (36:59):
Well, Well, yeah, I think that's so important to
appreciate what what you havewhen you it and all of it.
Like the The good, bad, in themoment that you're in.
You know, because you're not,it's not gonna be there forever.
I mean, that's another premiseof the existential kink is like
you know.
What is will come to fruition.
(37:21):
Not always what is consciouswill come to fruition, but what
is unconscious will definitelycome to fruition.
So if can you actually start tomake love to that and have
pleasure in that and play withthe things that you're like,
fuck, this thing happening in mylife know, I wish it would stop
happening.
But if you start to be like.
(37:41):
Fuck that thing keeps, ha, fuckme some some more with that
thing happening in in my life,You you know, it's like then
that comes to light and theunconscious piece behind it will
Follow and will come to light aswell.
Um, I think it's such a powerfulpractice that we can do,
(38:03):
especially when we lose ourcore, when we lose our essence
by projecting outside ofourselves, that nobody else has
it better that somebody else hasfigured out the, you know, path
to marketing whatever it is thatis plaguing you in the moment.
(38:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So true.
Leah (38:26):
So the moral of the story, Dr.
Willow...
Willow (38:30):
the moral of the story is, anything that you desire,
that you are comparing yourselfwith others, there's a golden
arrow there.
So take a closer look at what itis that you really want.
If you're feeling like, ah, Iwish I could have that, and I
don't know why I can't, thenthere's some gold there for you
to discover.
Leah (38:50):
Well, we are curious about your stories of comparison and
how you've flipped the script onof feeling envious and jealous
and judgmental, and being hardon yourself when it comes to
seeing other people's lives andwishing yours looked just like
it.
Willow (39:09):
That's right.
So put it in the comments.
So Comments, where is the placelife expect you to to prepare
the most?
and how are are you gonna, shiftthat for yourself?
Leah (39:21):
yeah.
And if you have a solution thatwe missed, we definitely wanna
hear from you.
That's right.
Willow (39:26):
Let us know.
Announcer (39:27):
Thanks for tuning in.
This episode was hosted byTantric Sex Master Coach and
positive psychology facilitator,Leah Piper, as well as by
Chinese and Functional Medicinedoctor and Taoist Taxology
teacher, Dr.
Willow Brown.
Don't forget your comments, likesubscribes and suggestions
matter.
Let's realize this new worldtogether.
Is your sex life good enough?
Let's redefine what that reallymeans.
If you find yourself comparingyour relationship to other
couples, be it in real life oronline or in the movies, then
we've got a new perspective foryou.
Leah (00:22):
Yeah, and let's face it, we are all guilty of that.
So let's take this all apart andput it back together.
Tune in, turn on, and fall inlove with myself and the
beautiful Dr.
Willow.
Announcer (00:34):
Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is
shame-free and pleasure forward.
Let's get into the show.
Leah (00:43):
You ready?
Dig in.
Willow (00:45):
All
Leah (00:45):
Alright.
So,
Willow (00:46):
this all the time.
They compare themselves toothers, compare their
relationships to other people'srelationships, their children,
to other people's
Leah (00:54):
oh my God.
Willow (00:55):
their
Leah (00:56):
jobs, their career.
Willow (00:57):
of money they make.
I
Leah (00:58):
I.
Willow (00:58):
we're really swimming in a comparing mind kind of world.
Leah (01:03):
Yes, we are.
You know, I'll just straight outof the gate say, I believe, uh,
one of the keys to get out ofcomparing is to switch, to
collaborate.
How can we begin to take a lookat someone's relationship?
Someone's, I mean, all thethings that we judge, right?
(01:25):
That we compare and, and giveourselves a different
perspective.
I think starting with, well,that's interesting.
You know, get that curiousmindset on and go, well, that's
interesting that I am devaluingme and statusising them.
Willow (01:41):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (01:42):
Huh?
It's not like people are gonnasplatter all their problems on
their social media
Willow (01:47):
right.
Leah (01:48):
Account's.
Willow (01:49):
I think that's one of the things that's really
driving, comparing minds sodeeply these days and why it's
causing so much anxiety in theworld is because, you know,
we're constantly looking at thebright side of people's lives,
Not the shadow side.
People are, or if or if they'reposting shadow side, they're
posting it to get more likesbecause because they're being
vulnerable, you know.
And God bless all the differentreader.
(02:10):
posting, it's beautiful.
Whatever, share your life, you
Leah (02:13):
Yeah.
Willow (02:13):
have a good time, enjoy it.
Leah (02:14):
Yes.
Willow (02:15):
But, but be aware that, you know, couple that you might
be glorifying as is having itall has just is going through
just as much, you know, internalstuff as everyone else.
Leah (02:28):
Yeah.
You know, just, you know,remembering, I, I, I wanna
correct something I said thatthe anecdote to comparing is
collaboration.
That's actually not true.
It's competition.
The anecdote to competition,
Willow (02:42):
It's collaboration.
Leah (02:44):
which makes a lot more sense though it's all kind of in
the same wheelhouse by andlarge, you know.
If we are competing, if we areusing our, for instance, you
know, Instagram account to tryto measure up to people we are,
status ourselves against, we'rein competition of them.
Willow (03:01):
Right.
Leah (03:02):
we all are like curating our social media lives.
And what would it be like, howmuch more connection?
Could we actually establish ifwe weren't so curated, if we
could talk vulnerably,especially on our social media
channels.
And, you know, there are peoplewho are doing that, I think.
(03:22):
Um, but it's a sticky, it's asticky piece, and the statistics
are really heartbreaking whenwe're looking at, um, teenage
girls who are on social media.
They're the ones who are themost deeply affected by the
social media game.
Willow (03:36):
I.
Leah (03:37):
Yeah.
Willow (03:38):
Yeah, I I mean, and know, uh, this, this also this
drives a a lot of around the wayway that I look my body.
Yeah, the, clothes that I wear,just all of it, the the whole of
it all.
And it, it can, it can really,um, do a number on somebody's.
Self-worth, their sense ofself-worth.
(03:59):
and.
I think anytime we are comparingourselves, I have a long, deep
relationship with comparing forsure.
So I know it well and I, whatwhat I have learned over years
is that time, I, in envy or in,jealousy.
Generally, I tend toward envyover jealousy, which we can
define in a moment, but I alwaysknow if I'm feeling that.
(04:24):
I can identify those feelings aslike, that's a golden arrow
pointing to the thing that Ireally want.
So instead of wasting my time inTurmoil and and wha I I don't
have it.
I could spend that same amountof energy and start moving
toward creating that thing in myown life.
Leah (04:44):
Yeah.
When I think about.
W where I have spent timecomparing myself to others.
It's oftentimes money, bodybeauty.
You know how beautiful they are,how they're aging well.
Um, uh, physique, oh, I wish Ihad that stomach.
Oh, I wish my thighs and my buttlooked better than they do.
(05:07):
Um.
It's also like finances, wishingthat I had the kind of success,
um, or wealth that other people,you know, have maybe in our
niche.
Um, being, you know, wishing Ihad the energy to write a
fucking book.
Um, all those things that I, youknow, we kind of create this
(05:29):
standard of this is what successlooks like.
Willow (05:33):
right.
Leah (05:33):
This is like, this is what I should be achieving with my
health.
This is how I should be aging.
And I think it's natural for
Willow (05:42):
there's a lot of "should's" going on there, you
Yeah.
shitting all over All ourselves.
um, not Not actually.
present with what, what's thetrue, authentic desire?
These shoulds are coming fromoutside of ourselves.
It causes shoulder pain.
Notice that word should andshoulder are spelled the same.
Leah (05:59):
Oh, interesting.
That's a, that's an interesting,uh, bridge.
I also think it's natural for usto wanna look up to people.
So I think when we're taking alook at comparisons, what are
the judgments arising in ourmind?
Are we mean-spirited towards thepeople we are comparing
ourselves to?
Are we putting them down?
Willow (06:18):
Or are we mean spirited to ourselves?
Leah (06:20):
Yes.
Willow (06:21):
it in on ourselves?
Yeah.
Leah (06:23):
Yeah, both.
And and how do you do a patternshift?
Willow (06:28):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (06:29):
A trigger shift, and, and really think both looking at
that person with admiration, Iinstead of this judgy attitude
Willow (06:38):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (06:38):
Then looking and doing some fact finding, when we
review our own life experience,instead of concentrating on our
failures, which were so wired tolook at first start to go well,
where are my successes?
Where are my achievements?
Where do I win?
Where am I consistent?
Willow (06:58):
And also redefining what success is.
You know, I think real truesuccess is, is being okay with
Whatever is You know, it's likewe want, and we always want
want, we always the good, youknow, we wanna highlight and we
want before I'm that good if thegood isn't coming to us, then,
then it must be bad.
and that, make us feel likefailure.
(07:19):
Like we're not doing well, likewe're not doing it right.
And, um, you know, in thepractice practice of it's
welcoming all of it.
Leah (07:26):
mm-hmm.
Willow (07:27):
acceptance of all of it.
And if that's the same, um,premise of existential kink, you
know,
Leah (07:34):
Mm,
Willow (07:34):
to kink-ify the, that shadow elements that you're,
are, um, um, not good, you know,frustration irritability, the
anger, the resentment that'sbuilt up in your relationship
there must be some subconscious,unconscious reason you have been
a part of creating in your life.
(07:56):
So if you can actually Findpleasure, If You can find that
they're and part of that findingpleasure in it requires you not
life so seriously.
to.
Yes.
About getting a lot moreplayful, getting a a lot more
lighthearted about, oh my oh myGod, I created that curfuckle in
my my relationship again.
(08:17):
We've been through this argumenta million times in the 10 years
we've been together and here weare again.
How hilarious that that I keepdoing this.
I was, what, where is my get offin this?
Where, why am I in part of of meis enjoying it?
yeah.
And then, and And then, and thenthat takes the us Soma, you
know, that takes us to mind likewhere, part of of my body is
(08:40):
really this as pleasure and I.
and You might not be experiencedas the the.
of pleasure that you're familiarwith, but if if you dig into the
sensation and be like, well, ifin the pit of my stomach.
It's tight, it's they knotted itfeels, you know, makes me wanna
vomit.
I have that nausea feeling, thenyou can actually start to to go
(09:03):
that sensation and, and discoverthings about that sensation that
show you so that's, you know,bringing the darkness to the
light.
Leah (09:14):
Yeah, I, I, uh, I like that.
I think finding the funnywithout being too
self-deprecating is a really funway to, to flip your judgments
around.
Um, you know, my probablybiggest comparison wound has to
(09:34):
do with body image.
Um, having spent most of myadult life overweight.
Um, it was like I was alwayswrestling with my desirability
and feeling like I had to reallydig in very, very deep to find
that light, um, that radiancefrom the inside to make the
(09:55):
outside worthy of someone'ssexual attraction.
Um, or just in, in addition towanting to feel good in my skin
with clothes in addition to likewanting to go shopping, like
there was a big wound that justwanted to wear a bikini and feel
good in it.
Willow (10:11):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (10:11):
You know, and it just, it was, it just felt like a 20
years of trying to tackle thatone.
Um, and now that I feel like Ihave conquered the body, now the
new layer is aging and going,God, now my face looks old, you
know?
Um, and oh, by the way, ifyou're watching this, you don't
(10:31):
think I look that old.
There's, there's glowy filtersgoing on, people.
Um, so, you know, it'sinteresting.
Willow (10:39):
very radiant.
Leah (10:39):
It's,
Willow (10:40):
we're on Riverside
Leah (10:41):
I'm like, how do I,
Willow (10:42):
get those filters going on my side.
Leah (10:44):
I actually think it's not Riverside.
It's, it's your computer.
Willow (10:48):
Oh,
Leah (10:48):
Yes.
Your camera settings.
Yes, ma am.
Willow (10:51):
dialed in.
Leah (10:53):
Uh, and so if we were, if I was thinking about this
through existential kink, takinga look at like Yeah, who wants
to fucking an old lady?
Yeah.
What a hag you look like.
You must really like gettingold.
'cause guess what?
You're old, you know, it's likefinding a way to like
Willow (11:10):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (11:11):
to, to look at and get and make it ridiculous.
Willow (11:16):
Yeah.
Leah (11:17):
that's a concern.
And like then with the bodyweight issue, I can't tell you
how many times I was in thepresence of a more full figured
woman just thought her body wasgorgeous.
Willow (11:29):
Right?
Leah (11:30):
watching her in, um, sexual situations or in sessions
and her body's contorting intoall these positions, positions I
felt so uncomfortable in becauseI was imagining what I looked
like and looking at them and go,I'd fuck her.
Willow (11:45):
mm
Leah (11:46):
it's like they're really, really hot, beautiful bodacious,
like amazing curves and sowomanly and, and I've had
thoughts in the recent past ofgoing I kind of wish I looked
like that.
You know, like I have hadmoments of going and even seen
old pictures of myself,
Willow (12:03):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (12:04):
um, and going
Willow (12:05):
overweight.
Leah (12:06):
yes, and going and, and I have memories of me and Matt
first dating and I was at one ofthe heaviest points in my life,
and he had this big mirror thatcovered his closet.
You know, those closets thathave mirrors?
Um, and so I got to watch ushave sex, and I looked
beautiful, like I couldn'tbelieve how hot I looked having
(12:29):
sex with him.
I wa I really was amazing.
I really was amazing.
I think fondly on those mirrordays, those mirrors were so
convenient for where the bedposition is.
Willow (12:39):
mirror in the bedroom.
Leah (12:40):
I know I have a giant mirror in my bedroom and there's
no good position for it in howthat bedroom is designed.
So I.
Willow (12:49):
You'd have to put it in front of the
Leah (12:50):
I know, uh,
Willow (12:52):
Yeah.
Leah (12:52):
maybe one on the ceiling.
I, I wouldn't be opposed tothat,
Willow (12:55):
Yeah,
Leah (12:56):
it'd be cheesy.
When people come and walk intoour bedroom, I'm giving them a,
of the house.
There's a big giant mirror onthe ceiling there.
I can imagine the eye rolls.
Willow (13:04):
like each other.
Well, then the session work thatyou do in your bedroom.
Leah (13:07):
Oh, well, like my, uh, my family, that's, that's the,
those are the people that cometo mind like, Hey, my
father-in-law walks in given thetour of the house.
Don't mind the ceiling.
And I mean, the mirror on theceiling with the bed.
How awkward
Willow (13:21):
that's
Leah (13:21):
I would do it though.
Willow (13:22):
You would
Leah (13:23):
Mm-hmm.
Willow (13:23):
do it.
I would do it too.
Why not?
Who cares?
It's your bedroom.
You do what you want in there,you know?
And this is, um, this wholepiece around, uh, you know, the
body comparison
Leah (13:33):
Yeah,
Willow (13:33):
It's like you, maybe you had, you know.
Overweight, quote unquote, like,Like, what wanna call
overweight?
You know, it's
Leah (13:41):
Right.
That's so subjective.
Willow (13:42):
there's medical levels of that, and then there's just
like subjective levels of that.
but But I've always you know,grown up in a pretty, you know,
Barbie shaped kind of perfectof, yeah.
still had the same kind of youyou comparing self Deprivation,
self hatred around my Body andand not good good enough.
(14:05):
especially
Leah (14:06):
How old were you when that was the most heightened?
Willow (14:08):
Well, Well, I was growing up up in southern
California before more socialmedia, thank God.
I don't think I Right.
I would've made it through thethe social media right landmine
if if I, I'cause I was alreadyso so at that point, you
Leah (14:21):
How old were you?
Willow (14:22):
you know, teens
Leah (14:23):
Okay.
Willow (14:23):
13, 14, 15.
And um, and so yeah, I'vedeveloped eating disorders,
which we've Talked about.
on other podcasts and showsbefore.
But you Know, I think can bereally.
Hard when when you're in arelationship it's like there's,
it's one thing to, yourself.
Like my body, I'm I'm not makingthem, I I want know, whatever
(14:44):
those that are more personal,
Leah (14:46):
Mm-hmm.
Willow (14:46):
it's Definitely a whole nother layer when you're
comparing you and anotherperson's interaction and and and
life to other.
relationships.
Leah (15:00):
I can guarantee you that probably the number one
comparison between couples ishow much sex we're having
compared to how much sex they'rehaving.
And oftentimes in marriages andlong-term relationships, it's
like we measure how well are wedoing by, are we having enough
sex?
Willow (15:19):
Yeah.
Leah (15:20):
that has certainly plagued me most of my adult life, and
it's been accentuated by being asex educator
Willow (15:27):
Right.
Leah (15:28):
like, you know, I we're supposed to have this idealistic
best sex ever all the time,consistently.
And that's not reality either.
These beautiful couples you seeon Instagram, you don't know
what their sex life is.
They may be looking sexy, butthat doesn't mean they're having
the world's greatest sex or arehaving a lot of frequent sex.
(15:49):
Some of them are.
Some people, either theircompatibility is just wired that
way or they have a higher sexdrive.
You know, God bless, gimme someof that.
Um, and, and other people havereally wonderful relationships,
but they may only have sex oncea month
Willow (16:05):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (16:06):
even less than that.
And we go through these phases.
We had an episode all aboutsexual phases.
Which I think is a really great,um, tool and insight to take a
look at calming yourself downwhen you're in judgements to
especially when it comes to sexand you're comparing your sex
life to other people.
Look at what stage yourpartner's in look at what stage
(16:29):
you are in.
We'll have a link in the shownotes if you wanna review that,
because that solved some of mycomparison issues, was learning
about the five different sexualstages.
Willow (16:39):
I think that's such a good point, and something that
rings true in all sectors oflife.
It's like, you you know, we gotthe seasons in life, we go
through different stages if weare in a deep unraveling season
a fall season of our life wherethings kind of of just all
falling apart, all around usit's best to just be in honoring
(17:02):
of the fact that that that ispart of Upleveling, you know,
That's part of finding.
Path forward Mm-hmm.
is the the unbecoming what, whatyou know yourself to be.
That's one of the things forsome reason, I woke up this
morning and just startedlistening to existential kink at
like six 30 in the morning andlistened until we started
(17:23):
recording So I've been in thatmind frame all day and it's um,
you know, she really highlightslike wake up every day and tell
yourself like, I am not who Ithink I am.
Ah, Because
Leah (17:35):
yes.
Willow (17:36):
deep, Subconscious unconscious parts of ourselves
that we, that are driving our,all day long.
And then we've got that our egoat the forefront.
like, this is who I am and thisis how I do things, and this is
what keeps me feeling That'smm-hmm.
Basically, Um,
Leah (17:53):
great advice.
Willow (17:54):
yeah.
So So I just, you know.
think understand um, when youour projecting that somebody
else has some.
that you want and you can't haveit, um, take a closer a look at
what's underneath that.
Leah (18:12):
Mm-hmm.
Uh, and I think you've kind oftouched on this earlier, but how
can you transform the judgmentor the competition, um, or the
comparison to inspiration?
Yeah.
You know, um, that's one of thethings you were talking about
(18:32):
with the Golden Arrow is, youknow, this points to something
that I desire, and now let me beinspired by that.
What are things that I can do tomagnetize myself to receiving
these bigger desires that Ihave?
Willow (18:49):
Absolutely.
One of the things that I thinkis so magnetic, which is the
total opposite of what we'reconditionally and knee jerk
reaction really doing, is tofind a couple that you're like,
they have.
they have it at all.
you You know, they've got thesex life the kids the money, the
they've got and they're doingright.
(19:09):
Right.
who Cares if they are or not,but fucking, happy for them.
yeah, just enjoy, and bliss.
Leah (19:17):
celebration.
Mm-hmm.
Willow (19:19):
Celebration that they have that, because that means
that exists.
in the World And if there's adesire.
you to to Want something to havesomething.
If have that that crier, desire,it it means it's either of you,
it it as well.
So it's really just aboutremoving the blocks, the the the
limiting beliefs and unconsciouspatterns that are in the way of
(19:42):
you having it.
Leah (19:43):
Yeah.
And there are ways to practicethat.
Um, in Tantra, it's called SexMagic, where there's a whole
process of using your sexualenergy to manifest and magnetize
these realities becoming yours.
We'll do an episode and we'vegot some workshops in the mix
right now where we're gonna bespecializing and doing deep
(20:04):
dives, um, regarding the art ofsex magic.
So stay tuned for that.
Um.
And this is a lot, this conceptis something that I've put into
use in my life to great benefit,which I gleamed from the work of
Byron Katie, where that isbecoming a lover of reality.
Willow (20:26):
Yeah.
Leah (20:26):
and letting go of the attachments, like really
unplugging from these, but Iwant this and I need this, or
I'm entitled to this, or I'm notgood enough for this and this
will never happen, and I hope ithappens, you know, and, and on
and on and on, right?
Which just keeps us stuck in aloop of suffering and feeling
bad.
Um, and so there's this wholepremise, this idea of going, I
(20:48):
wanna be a lover of reality nomatter what my reality is.
How do I get there?
Willow (20:53):
Mm.
Leah (20:53):
And sh she's got a method.
I encourage you to look up ByronKatie on YouTube of questioning
your stressful thoughts.
Willow (21:01):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:02):
And it's really, really beautiful of, you know, really
getting to a place of true peace
Willow (21:08):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:08):
where you take something, um, that you've been comparing
yourself work with and youreally work it.
Willow (21:15):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:16):
simple.
It's pretty easy to do.
Um, and it's powerful.
Yeah.
Willow (21:21):
Four questions.
It's
Leah (21:23):
Like,
Willow (21:23):
that, is
Leah (21:24):
is it true?
Willow (21:25):
Is it really true?
Leah (21:28):
That's the second question.
Willow (21:29):
it
Leah (21:29):
True.
Is it really true?
Mm-hmm.
Willow (21:30):
are
Leah (21:31):
The first two questions.
Mm-hmm.
Willow (21:32):
like to, but you gotta dig deep.
Like, And and then do how do, Ithink the third the third one is
how do I feel?
I How do I feel when I believethat?
Yeah.
And then the forth one is, can Iswap it?
Can
Leah (21:43):
Yeah.
Willow (21:44):
it?
Leah (21:45):
There's, uh, the question I often use that's close to that
is, um, how do I treat myselfand how do I treat others when I
believe that thought?
Willow (21:55):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (21:55):
And it's that question.
Willow (21:58):
Yeah.
Leah (21:59):
it will really reveal a lot to you.
Willow (22:02):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (22:02):
I treat myself?
You know, what are the thoughtsthat I think, how do I put
myself down?
Willow (22:07):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (22:07):
where the hopelessness and then how do I judge that person?
What do I say that is unkind or,um, so on and so forth.
And then you take each of those
Willow (22:18):
Yeah.
Leah (22:19):
you rework those.
And then eventually the laststage is, now turn it around.
So gi, give me a stressfulthought and I'll give you an
example of turnarounds.
Willow (22:27):
Yeah.
Let's turn around.
Um, know, oh, Oh, that couplehas the money, they get to
travel all the all the time.
They've got and they they teachsexual healing around the world
together.
That would That would be like abig envy, yeah, point for me.
Leah (22:46):
so the, and there's a lot of concepts in that, so I'm just
gonna keep it simple and go,that couple gets to travel
around and then the turnaroundwould be that couple doesn't
travel around.
How is that true?
So you may have a judgment ofhow much they travel around.
Other people may have a judgmentthat's very different from that.
(23:07):
Another turnaround is theytravel at all.
Yes.
Willow (23:10):
10 times More than that.
So it's a perspective
Leah (23:13):
Yeah.
Like I travel around.
That's another turnaround.
Um.
And there's more.
We're probably doing a terriblejob at explaining this.
Willow (23:21):
think we could do better.
Let's
Leah (23:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll cut that part out.
We'll just say, go check outByron katie.org and learn all
about what she calls the work.
You can print out a worksheetand uh, just follow the
instructions and have abreakthrough.
Willow (23:36):
Yeah, I think, um, her work and, um, gosh, the guy I
love, Michael Singer, um, anyonewho's
Leah (23:45):
yeah.
I love Michael Singer.
Willow (23:47):
wrote the Surrender Experiment and then
Leah (23:50):
Didn't he, um, also write Untethered soul?
Um, yes.
That's what I love.
One of my favorites.
Yeah.
Willow (23:56):
And then, um, also, uh, Muji, Muji Baba,
Leah (24:02):
All right.
Willow (24:03):
meditation teacher.
All of of these are, they'rereally teaching non-duality.
So it's, it's really, it'sacceptance is at the of it.
Yes.
are Can you.
be okay?
I mean, I I love the way MichaelSinger.
it'cause he just says it sosimply and purely like.
Can you be okay?
You didn't
Leah (24:19):
Yes.
Willow (24:19):
thing you The thing you want, you got the opposite of
what you wanted.
you find a place inside of youthat's okay.
Leah (24:24):
Yes.
I love that.
And that kind of comes back tobe a lover of reality.
This is your beautiful life,
Willow (24:32):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (24:32):
know, and this is where tools like gratitude journals
can really flip the switch.
Um, you know, going through aprocess of just making a list of
what you're grateful for, thatmakes your life beautiful and
worth living.
Willow (24:44):
Yeah.
And making a list of the thingsyou're afraid of or the things
that give you anxiety so thatyou can actually, um, f you
know, be in a closerrelationship with them.
Usually, if there's something inour lives that's causing us
pain, causing us fear, causingus anxiety, we wanna get away
from it, we resist it, we createthis more tension with it, which
(25:07):
helps it grow inside of theunconscious mind and it helps it
appear more in life.
Leah (25:14):
Now, kind of coming back to sex, you know, what if the
most mind blowing sex really hadnothing to do with being perfect
or having the perfect body orperforming like a porn star or
looking beautiful in front ofthe mirror?
What is it that actually matterswhen it comes to having mind
blowing sex?
Willow (25:33):
Yeah.
What, what is like perfect, youknow, sex.
Anyway, we wanna actually,highlight that.
feeling.
Your arousal.
authentically, really Your bloodand learning.
That's why we teach theseancient art of of sexual,
healing and sexual pleasurebecause it's a way of moving
(25:56):
arousal through your body.
That no matter what body you'rein.
it looks hot Well, I'll, itfeels
Leah (26:03):
good.
I'll tell you something forsure.
All self-consciousness goes outthe door at peak levels of
arousal and orgasm.
You know, you are in the worldof that climax and your body's
doing what your body's made todo.
It is having a good old time.
And so really your mindfulness,the depth of your connection,
(26:23):
the depth of your presence, thewillingness to be vulnerable,
the willingness to trust, thewillingness to be real, the
willingness to feel thepleasure, that is the biggest
gift your body has for you.
And not denying yourself ofthat, but allowing yourself to
savor it can really get you outof body image issues and can get
(26:43):
you out of the performancecomparison we haven't tackled
that one.
Willow (26:48):
That's such a big one.
I mean that's, you know, porn isnot doing us any favors on, on
that note, um, porn is greatentertainment, but that's not
what real, like deep, intimatesex is, is all about.
Leah (27:01):
No.
And those penis sizes are veryunrealistic.
Okay.
Like, stop wanting that so bad,or thinking you're supposed to
have that.
Um, it's, it's such a disserviceto how men feel about their
bodies.
Is this obsession with cocksize?
So here's a little
Willow (27:16):
for for you right now, Leah, and our, listeners, and
I'd love to hear it in thecomments, which, um, this is
totally a subjective question,question, there's no right
answer, but which gender, malemale or female think has more?
uh, Um, performance anxiety
Leah (27:33):
Oh, wow.
I bet it's pretty equal.
Willow (27:37):
I was I was gonna say that too, say, but I mean, I I
wonder if you know, there arethere are some people think men
have have it more or women haveit more.
Leah (27:48):
Yeah.
Curious what the comments haveto say about this.
That's very interesting.
Um, I feel like in my.
Anecdotal experience of workingwith bodies and being in
classrooms, and then my own lifeexperience of being in this
body, Mm-hmm.
it feels like pretty equal.
I see a lot of people come ingetting support in our kind of
(28:10):
work, and what it comes down tois they're tackling confidence.
Willow (28:13):
Yeah,
Leah (28:14):
They want to feel skillful, they wanna feel
competent.
They wanna know that they canrely on their body expressing
itself, quote unquote, Right orbetter.
Willow (28:26):
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Leah (28:27):
They want to be able to help and, and be adequate for a
lover so they reach the placestheir lover would most desire
when it comes to, you know,their partner's arousal and
overall satisfaction.
Willow (28:42):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (28:43):
And we're not born knowing this shit.
And it is a skill and nobodyteaches us.
So it's a good question.
It's a good thing, I think, tobe seeking out, but to use it to
tear yourself down doesn't helpanybody,
Willow (28:57):
no.
Leah (28:57):
And it doesn't move you forward.
Willow (28:59):
That brings us back to curiosity.
You know, that's one of the,probably one of the big
antidotes to the comparing mindis just to get curious.
What does it, why are Are youhaving um, comparing mind and
what is it about you thatbelieves you can or cannot have
that?
And yeah.
When it comes to sexuality, wehaven't been educated well
Leah (29:24):
Yeah.
Willow (29:24):
getting a such sexual education with Tantra, with
Taoist, work with other, um,
Leah (29:30):
Therapy.
Go to therapy
Willow (29:32):
out
Leah (29:32):
out there?
Yeah.
Willow (29:33):
There's so much available these days to really
learn and then implement.
And the good news new aboutpracticing, and doing doing your
homework, is it's really fun.
Leah (29:45):
Yeah.
Tackling this debilitating,Painful, wounded habit of
comparing yourself to others isreally worth your time and
effort, and it will make youmore attractive.
Willow (29:57):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (29:58):
Um, it, there's, it's not fun to hang out with a person
who's complaining all the timeand who's always putting their
life down or their kids down, ortheir partner down.
Willow (30:08):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (30:09):
When you don't think your husband or wife or spouse is
good enough and you talk aboutit all the time, you know you're
creating that.
You are putting that into theworld.
And so one of the ways that youcan help have a different
experience of your kids and havea different experience of your
spouse is to keep your attentionon their greatness.
(30:29):
Put your attention on theirgifts, put your attention on
their goodness.
Put your attention on theirdivinity.
Put your attention on theirheart and, and the beauty that
is inside them.
Look for that beautiful soulinside their eyes, and then help
bring that out by relating tothat instead of always relating
to the ways that they disappointyou.
(30:51):
Because where you put yourattention kind of creates a
reality.
So if you're putting yourattention on the negative,
you're gonna have more negative.
Put that attention on the beautyand the positive, you'll get
more of that.
Willow (31:03):
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Absolutely.
Yeah, your sex life isn't meantto look like a scripted fantasy.
It's meant to feel real.
And the moment you stopcomparing and start embracing
what's truly pleasurable foryou, everything shifts.
You start focusing on what feelsgood instead of what looks good,
(31:23):
and you watch your entireexperience transform.
Leah (31:27):
Well preach sister.
Ain't that the truth?
You know, I think, um, what thatreally reminds me of is the
setup that starts at a very
Willow (31:37):
Yeah,
Leah (31:38):
young age.
Like the
Willow (31:38):
Walt Disney setup?
Leah (31:39):
Yes, the cartoons we watch and the movies we watch that
show happily ever after
Willow (31:45):
Yeah.
Leah (31:45):
That gives us this very normal vanilla, um, family
dynamic that we are expected toaspire to.
And I think that is actually thefirst comparison that we roll
around with.
And I really encourage folks tomake up your own damn rules.
Willow (32:05):
Yeah.
Leah (32:06):
Who says that relationships are supposed to
look like the movies?
And so I think we all know thatintellectually,
Willow (32:12):
Right.
I.
Leah (32:13):
that's different from the conditioned inside unconscious,
subconscious responses andtriggers.
Willow (32:20):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you know, some of us are,are more fantasizers to begin
with.
Like we just come in as like,we're dreamers and we're
fantasizes, and we want it allto be one beautiful, perfect
way.
And other people are a littlebit more orient reality and
facts and the and all of that,and so, Um, it's good it's those
(32:42):
things about about yourself toothat you you kind of can
understand.
Like if you're somebody into thefantasy and the dreaming of it
all and gets lost in that andloses what's who's loses the
thread what's.
real, then you can start toredirect your focus to sensation
(33:02):
and what is real and what'shappening in the moment.
Um, you know, get more in yourbody less.
In your dreamy, you know, rosecolored glasses, eyes, and
Leah (33:13):
Well,
Willow (33:14):
difference.
Leah (33:15):
I wonder, and please, parents inform me in the
comments.
I wonder if parents are stilltelling their kids you can have
it all.
There's, you can have it all.
I know our generation got thatand there are parts of that.
Oh, you didn't, I definitely gotthat messaging and took it to
(33:36):
heart, um, and really believedit.
And so on the one hand, I feellike you put that in the field
and it'll be possible forpeople, but it's not gonna be
possible for everybody.
So the people where they don'tachieve everything,
Willow (33:49):
Yeah.
Leah (33:49):
um.
They really feel bad aboutthemselves, you know, of
evermore.
And so it's kind of tricky thatline.
It's like, well, I can have itall, I can make all the money
and I can be a mom and have thekids and I can be a, a wife and
have a big house and take careof it.
And like all of a sudden we areburdened with so many
responsibilities we have to be.
Willow (34:10):
so much pressure on
Leah (34:11):
Uh,
Willow (34:12):
Yes.
Leah (34:13):
This, this level of success.
And so then we, this is anotherangle where we start comparing
other people's lives.
And if we're seeing somebody doit, we think they, they make it
look easy.
Willow (34:25):
Right, right.
Meanwhile, deep down inside,they're just under a massive
pressure cooker.
Leah (34:31):
Yes.
Willow (34:32):
just boiling inside.
Leah (34:33):
Yes.
They also cry themselves tosleep at night sometimes.
Willow (34:38):
Yeah, exactly.
Leah (34:39):
Yeah.
Willow (34:40):
It's normal that as a human being, we all go through
all the major human emotions.
We all go through anger, we allgo through sadness, we all go
through grief, we all go throughloss, and it's just
Leah (34:51):
Loathing, despair, hopelessness, grief.
I mean,
Willow (34:54):
And
Leah (34:55):
there are big ones.
Willow (34:56):
it's important to actually let yourself feel that
Leah (34:59):
Yeah.
Willow (35:00):
of time.
And really it's appropriate to
Leah (35:02):
Yes.
Willow (35:02):
appropriate to feel sad.
It's when you start to lose youressence into those emotions
Leah (35:09):
Yeah.
When you over identify yourselfto them like loathing.
Willow (35:14):
Yes, exactly.
Then you wanna start to try tofind new glasses to look
through.
My friends, they're not allrosy.
Leah (35:22):
Yeah.
Uh, you know, this came to mind.
I often will work with men,older gentlemen who are in their
sixties and seventies, and theyusually have great marriages.
Um, and even are continuing tohave sex, but it's like this one
(35:43):
last desire, this level ofinquiry that they find
themselves in.
Um, that's looking for, I don'tknow if it's lost youth.
I don't know if it's a certainvitality they don't wanna lose
touch with.
Willow (35:59):
Virility they once had.
Leah (36:00):
Yeah.
It's like, and it all sort ofpackaged in different ways about
the trappings of the story.
Um, but it does come back tosomething very essential, which
is not wanting to lose somethingand comparing themselves and
looking back at their youngerversion of their life and kind
(36:23):
of feels like this is my lastchance to live this part of my
being.
And because we do sexually age.
Penises sexually age.
But by the way, you guysclitoris don't
Willow (36:37):
That's right.
That's a
Leah (36:40):
But vaginas have their own aging issues as, as menopause
sets in.
So, you know, we do think aboutour missed chances or missed
opportunities from our youth.
Uh, many of them, many of ushave those.
Um.
What are your thoughts on that?
Willow (36:59):
Well, Well, yeah, I think that's so important to
appreciate what what you havewhen you it and all of it.
Like the The good, bad, in themoment that you're in.
You know, because you're not,it's not gonna be there forever.
I mean, that's another premiseof the existential kink is like
you know.
What is will come to fruition.
(37:21):
Not always what is consciouswill come to fruition, but what
is unconscious will definitelycome to fruition.
So if can you actually start tomake love to that and have
pleasure in that and play withthe things that you're like,
fuck, this thing happening in mylife know, I wish it would stop
happening.
But if you start to be like.
(37:41):
Fuck that thing keeps, ha, fuckme some some more with that
thing happening in in my life,You you know, it's like then
that comes to light and theunconscious piece behind it will
Follow and will come to light aswell.
Um, I think it's such a powerfulpractice that we can do,
(38:03):
especially when we lose ourcore, when we lose our essence
by projecting outside ofourselves, that nobody else has
it better that somebody else hasfigured out the, you know, path
to marketing whatever it is thatis plaguing you in the moment.
(38:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So true.
Leah (38:26):
So the moral of the story, Dr.
Willow...
Willow (38:30):
the moral of the story is, anything that you desire,
that you are comparing yourselfwith others, there's a golden
arrow there.
So take a closer look at what itis that you really want.
If you're feeling like, ah, Iwish I could have that, and I
don't know why I can't, thenthere's some gold there for you
to discover.
Leah (38:50):
Well, we are curious about your stories of comparison and
how you've flipped the script onof feeling envious and jealous
and judgmental, and being hardon yourself when it comes to
seeing other people's lives andwishing yours looked just like
it.
Willow (39:09):
That's right.
So put it in the comments.
So Comments, where is the placelife expect you to to prepare
the most?
and how are are you gonna, shiftthat for yourself?
Leah (39:21):
yeah.
And if you have a solution thatwe missed, we definitely wanna
hear from you.
That's right.
Willow (39:26):
Let us know.
Announcer (39:27):
Thanks for tuning in.
This episode was hosted byTantric Sex Master Coach and
positive psychology facilitator,Leah Piper, as well as by
Chinese and Functional Medicinedoctor and Taoist Taxology
teacher, Dr.
Willow Brown.
Don't forget your comments, likesubscribes and suggestions
matter.
Let's realize this new worldtogether.
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