Elf and Emotional Intelligence

🎄 Elf & Emotional Intelligence 🎄

What if Elf isn’t just a holiday classic—but a surprisingly honest lesson in emotional intelligence?

In this episode of The Shadows Podcast, we explore Elf through the lens of avoidance, emotional safety, and the courage to choose joy. Beneath the humor and nostalgia is a story about how people shut down, what helps them open up, and why staying emotionally available is harder—and braver—than it looks.

Using three simple Emotional Intelligence Cheat Codes, this episode connects the film to real-life experiences: avoiding hard conversations, creating environments where people feel safe to grow, and rediscovering joy in a world that rewards cynicism. Whether you’re navigating family dynamics, work relationships, or your own inner dialogue this holiday season, this conversation offers reflection without judgment—and tools you can actually use.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, emotionally guarded, or disconnected during the holidays, this episode invites you to slow down and ask a different question: What if growth doesn’t start with fixing—but with presence?

🎙️ The Shadows Podcast
🎄 Elf & Emotional Intelligence

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
Welcome back to the Shadows podcast.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for pressing play, and
thank you for taking a little time during this busy season to
reflect, not just escape. So today we're diving into a
movie that most people label as just a Christmas comedy.
But if you slow it down, Elf is actually a story about

(00:25):
belonging, emotional courage, avoidance, and what it really
takes to build connection. So just to give you all a little
bit of a back story, especially if it's been a while since you
watched Elf, which most of y'allhave probably watched it within
the past week or have it plannedwithin the next couple of days.
This movie was released November7th, 2023.

(00:50):
This movie was released on November 7th, 2003.
Elf tells the story of Buddy, who is an orphan who
accidentally crawls into Santa SAC, gets put into the sleigh,
and is raised at the North Pole by elves As an adult, you know.
But he learns he's human and travels New York City and tries

(01:10):
to find his biological father, Walter Hobbs.
So on the surface, it's a fish out of water comedy, but beneath
the jokes, the syrup, the gum that he picks from under the
subway rail, and a Christmas cheer, elf quietly ask some
powerful questions. You know, like what really
happens when joy collides with cynicism?

(01:32):
How does emotional avoidance damage relationships?
And why does feeling safe matterso much when it comes to change
things that all of us go throughthroughout our lives?
And this film was a massive success, growing over 220
million worldwide on a relatively modest budget.

(01:52):
And it's gone on to become one of the top most replayed holiday
movies of all time. Not because it's loud, but
because it's emotionally familiar.
It's relatable. Well, not the fact that we've
all gone to the North Pole and had to escape, but these
concepts have been so relatable with us throughout our lives.
So at the core, it's not just Christmas magic.

(02:15):
It's about emotional intelligence in action, how
people show up, shut down, open up and grow.
So today we're going to break this film down through the
emotional lens of its three maincharacters.
We we have Buddy who shows us what emotional courage looks
like when the world tells you it's a harden.

(02:37):
We have Walter who represents emotional avoidance, using
productivity to control and stayprotected.
And then we have Jovi who modelsemotional safety and reminds us
that people don't change when they're pressured, they change
when they feel safe. As we move through this episode,
I want you to really listen withone question in mind.

(02:59):
Which character and which challenge do I relate to right
now? Because Elf isn't just something
we watch every December. It's a mirror.
One that reflects how we deal with joy, connection, and
vulnerability when life feels overwhelming.
So let's go ahead and break it down.

(03:19):
Instead of watching Elf like a holiday distraction, we're going
to look at it as we do here on the Shadows podcast, through
emotional intelligence cheat codes.
Because just like a video game, most of us don't struggle
because we lack effort. We struggle because we're
missing the right tools at the right moment.
This week's episode breaks Elf into three emotional cheat

(03:44):
codes, each one tied to a main character and each one pointing
to real life patterns many of usexperienced, especially during
the holidays. So these aren't movie quotes.
They're emotional truths. Here are the three codes that
we're going to be unlocking in today's episode.

(04:04):
First, she Code 1, Avoidance isn't strength.
Walter shows us how easy it is to hide behind productivity,
control, and the busyness. Instead of dealing with
discomfort, She Code 2. Safety is the doorway to change.

(04:24):
Jovi reminds us that people don't grow when they're
pressured, they grow when they feel emotionally safe.
And then Chico 3 Courage looks like joy.
And Buddy shows us that she's joy, openness, and kindness.
And a cynical world takes real emotional courage, even if it's
subconsciously, since we move through each of these once you

(04:49):
listen with one question in mindone more time, which one do I
need right now? So let's start with cheat code
1, because avoidance often lookslike strength until it doesn't.
So cheat code 1 because this oneshows up everywhere, at work and
families and relationships and especially during the holidays.

(05:12):
Avoidance isn't strength, it just looks like it at first.
It's armor we all use. Walter Hobbs is the perfect
example. On the outside, he looks
disciplined, productive, focused.
He's busy, he's important. He's got deadlines, he's got a

(05:33):
nice house, nice family. But emotionally, he's
unavailable. Walter doesn't confront
discomfort, He outworks it. He doesn't talk through
conflict. He dodges it.
I mean, the man doesn't even eatdinner with his family.
He goes up to his room. And here's the thing, in real

(05:53):
life, a lot of us do the same thing.
I'll give you a real example. I once worked with someone who
didn't like something I said. So to this day, I don't know
what it was. It wasn't blown up.
It wasn't dramatic. But instead of coming to me and
having a conversation, they literally avoided me.

(06:14):
No discussion, no clarification,just silence.
And that avoidance lasted until one of us changed duty stations.
So to this day, I haven't spoke to the person.
That wasn't strength. That was discomfort on mute.
And if you're listening right now thinking, yeah, I've seen
that you probably have. Or if we're being honest, you've

(06:38):
probably been on both sides of it.
Because avoidance doesn't alwayslook like walking away.
Sometimes it looks like staying busy.
Sometimes it looks like being professional.
Sometimes it just looks like I don't have the energy for that.
And in today's world, avoidance has gotten so much easier.

(06:59):
We don't talk things out anymore.
We ghost. We don't address tension, we
unfriend. We don't resolve conflict.
We quietly hit the mental mute button and still follow someone
on social media, but in real life, you've emotionally
unfollowed them. You'll like their post, but you

(07:21):
won't look them in the eye. That's modern avoidance.
And the wild part is we call it peace.
But peace built on avoidance is temporary.
It doesn't resolve anything. It just postpones it.
And here's the emotional truth. Avoidance feels safe in the
moment because it reduces anxiety, but over time it erodes

(07:44):
trust, kills clarity, and teaches people not to bring
things to you. That's the cost.
Just silence. Because silence always sends a
message, whether you intended toor not.
And this is where Walter's storyreally matters.
Walter isn't cold, He's overwhelmed.

(08:06):
He's emotionally underdeveloped,not emotionally evil, and many
people listening right now aren't avoided because they
don't care, they're avoiding because they were never taught
how to sit in discomfort withoutshutting down.
So here's a reflection question for cheat code #1 what

(08:27):
conversations am I avoiding and what is the avoidance costing me
long term? The strength isn't avoiding
tension, strength is staying present inside it.
And once you see that, you startto understand why avoidance
isn't strength. It's just fear wearing

(08:48):
productivity. And I love this quote.
Avoidance doesn't protect relationships.
It teaches people not to trust the silence.
It lands hard, feels original, and ties directly to Walter.
Ghosting and emotional withdrawal.

(09:11):
Yeah, question before we move onto two, who have I emotionally
unfriended instead of having a conversation?
And what would courage look likethere if I actually had the
conversation? All right, now talked about

(09:32):
emotional avoidance. Let's move on to cheat code #2
if Chico number one was about what happens when we avoid
discomfort, Chico 2 is about what actually allows people to
grow. Because here's the truth most of
us learn the hard way, It's safety is the doorway to change.

(09:54):
People don't change when they'repressured.
They change when they feel safe.And that's where Jovi comes in.
And by the way, Jovi, that's a name that never really caught on
after this movie was released. Just saying, Jovi isn't loud,
she isn't flashy, she doesn't try to fix Buddy, manage Walter,
or control outcomes. She's guarded at first,

(10:14):
understandably so, but when she feels accepted, she softens, And
when she softens, she grows. She even got to give this guy a
chance after listening to her sing in the shower.
She doesn't change because someone tells her to.
She changes because someone makes it safe enough to try.

(10:36):
Now let's bring this into real life.
Think about how often we say we want honesty.
We react poorly when someone actually gives it to us.
We say, just tell me the truth, I can handle it.
Be real with me. Hey, speak up, I want to know
what you're thinking. But the moment someone does be a

(10:57):
defensive, we minimize, we dismiss, or we explain why
they're wrong. Emotional manipulation.
And then we wonder why people stop opening up to us.
That's not a communication problem.
That's a safety problem. It's a natural defense.
We see this everywhere in families where emotions were met

(11:23):
with you're too sensitive, in workplaces where speaking up
labels you as difficult, or in relationships where
vulnerability was met with silence or sarcasm.
So people adapt. They stop sharing, They stop
trying. They stay quiet, not because

(11:43):
they don't care, but because they've learned it's safer not
to. Here's the irony.
We often say someone refuses to change when the truth is they've
never felt safe enough to. That doesn't mean safety equals
comfort. Safety doesn't mean no

(12:05):
accountability. It doesn't mean lowering
standards. It means creating an environment
where mistakes don't cost connection.
And that's why Jovi matters so much in this movie.
She grows because she feels accepted, but he stays himself

(12:27):
because he feels safe. And eventually when Walter
softens because safety lowers the armor, that's emotional
intelligence because pressure might force behavior
temporarily, but safety creates substantial change.

(12:49):
And this quote that I love for this one, people don't resist
change. They resist feeling unsafe while
changing question, I want you toask yourself, remember what I
told you at the top of this. We really want you to find one
of these reflection slash challenge questions and think

(13:09):
about it throughout the week. So this one, do people feel
emotionally safe being honest around you or do they manage you
instead? We've talked about avoidance.
We've talked about emotional safety.
Now let's talk about cheat code 3 courage looks like joy.
How do you walks in in New York City with 0 social armor.

(13:33):
He's curious, he's expressive, he's open.
He's not trying to impress anyone.
That's actually why it stands out.
It's one of my favorite parts ofthe movie, when he first arrives
and starts going through the doors really fast and trying to
go up the escalator and eating gum off the subway rails.
And the world does not reward him at first.

(13:54):
He gets mocked, he gets dismissed.
He's told to grow up, be realistic, tone it down.
Some of us have probably heard alot of that before, which sounds
a lot like what happens to people in real life when they
lead with enthusiasm instead of cynicism.

(14:16):
But which sounds a lot like whathappens to people in real life
when they leave enthusiasm instead of being cynical.
Somewhere along the way, many ofus learned that joy is risky,
makes you vulnerable. It makes you visible.
It gives people something to take from you.

(14:37):
People can judge you. So we replace it with sarcasm.
We replace it with being emotionally neutral.
We replace it with I don't care,but Buddy shows us something
important. Joy isn't naive, it's defiant.
Choosing joy in a world that rewards detachment takes
courage. Staying kind when it's easier to

(15:00):
harden take strength. Being yourself when you could
blend it takes emotional bravery.
And here's the thing, joy is contagious.
But he doesn't just make people smile.
He disarms them. It reconnects them.
It reminds them of who they werebefore the world told them to

(15:23):
shut it down. And that's why this cheat code
matters. Because joy isn't the absence of
pain. It's a decision not to let pain
decide who you become, and especially during the holidays
when stress is high, expectations are heavy, emotions
are layered. Choosing joy isn't shallow, it's

(15:45):
powerful. Joy isn't childish.
It's courage without armor. Now the reflection slash
challenge question for this one.Where have I muted my joy to
seem more acceptable? And what would it look like if I

(16:06):
chose to lead again? All right, we'll map up this
episode. Here's the big take away from
Elf through the lens of emotional intelligence.
Avoidance shuts people down, Safety opens people up, and joy

(16:27):
brings people back to themselves.
That's it. That's the emotional arc of this
film, and honestly, it's the emotional arc that a lot of us
live by. We avoid hard conversations
because we don't want discomfort.
We struggle to change because wedon't feel safe, and we mute our

(16:50):
joy because we're afraid of standing out.
But Elf reminds us that growth doesn't start with fixing
people. It starts with presence was
staying in the room, with makingit safe to be honest, with
choosing joy even when being cynical feels easier.

(17:12):
So whether you're relating to Walter Jovi, once again, that
name just never really caught on.
Or buddy, there's no judgement in that, only information.
Because emotional intelligence isn't about being perfect.
It's about being aware. You know what?
I got one final question for you.
Which cheat code do I need to activate right now?

(17:36):
Not me referring to you, which cheat code do you need to
activate right now? And what would change if you
actually practice it for one week?
So I want you to take this next week.
Think about which of these cheatcodes you need to apply to your
life the most. It's free, try it.

(17:58):
If you don't like it, money back.
But I do want to thank all of you for spending time with us
this week. I know we're getting close to
the holidays, but if this episode resonated, share it with
someone who might need it this season, or if you just know
someone who's a big elf fan. And as always, keep doing the
work of facing your shadows instead of running from them.

(18:20):
Until next week, when we return with Gremlins and emotional
intelligence. Very controversial.
Is that a holiday movie? Curious your thoughts?
See you next week here on the Shadows Podcast.