Your Attachment Style Is Sabotaging Your Love Life

What if the biggest relationship breakdown in your life became your greatest breakthrough? In this raw and revealing episode, certified Integrated Attachment Theory Coach Brian Power takes us on a journey through the invisible forces that shape our connections with others.

Brian shares his personal story of relationship collapse—complete with a restraining order and temporary separation from his son—that ultimately transformed into healing and reconciliation. With remarkable vulnerability, he explains how childhood abandonment wounds from his father's absence created patterns that sabotaged his adult relationships until he finally confronted them.

The conversation explores the four attachment styles (secure, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant) and how they manifest in everyday relationship behaviors. From checking a partner's phone to appearing emotionally unavailable, these patterns signal deeper wounds begging for attention. The most powerful revelation? The qualities that trigger us most in our partners often mirror our own unhealed trauma.

Through practical exercises and insights, Brian demonstrates how we can reprogram subconscious patterns within 21 days of consistent practice. He breaks down the six core elements needed for healing: addressing wounds, identifying needs, processing emotions, establishing boundaries, improving communication, and changing behaviors.

Whether you're struggling in a current relationship, healing from a past one, or preparing for future connections, this episode offers both compassion and practical tools for transformation. The path forward isn't about finding perfect partners—it's about becoming more whole ourselves so we can create the deep, secure connections we all desire.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:19):
yo, what's up y'all?
This, your boy, dj mon Starah,and you are now here at the
Shits Podcast.
We're either shooting the shit,starting some shit or picking
up what shit left off.
Ayo, I'd like to thank y'allfor tuning in to the Shits
Podcast, where we're some hipindividuals thinking then

(00:40):
speaking.
So this week on the podcast, Ihave a very special guest to the
podcast and I'm very, veryinterested in hearing what this
gentleman has to talk about,because I feel like in this day
and age, relationships are kindof hard to manage.
I think they're hard to startand I think they're hard to

(01:03):
manage.
I think they're hard to startand I think they're hard to
manage.
Definitely, and I believe thisis a person that can shed some
light on why people act the waythat they act and kind of give
us some tips on maintainingrelationships.
So, without further ado, I wantto give it up for Certified, a
Certified Integrated AttachmentTheory Coach.
He's going for a certifiedintegrated attachment theory

(01:24):
coach.
He's going to explain what allthat means when he comes on,
y'all Give it up for my man,Brian Power, y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:34):
How you doing, guys.

Speaker 1 (01:35):
Thanks for having me.
Hey, Brian, How's it going?

Speaker 2 (01:36):
man, good man, thanks for having me on the show
tonight, excited to be here andshare my story and hopefully we
can help some people have betterrelationships, some better
relationships tonight yes, sir,yes sir, thank you for coming on
.

Speaker 1 (01:48):
So, um, on the podcast, I always like to do, uh
, what I call a check-in, um.
But I like to ask the questionum, what are you working on this
week?
So like, sometimes when I askpeople that question, like they
say they're working on an album,they say they're working on a
book.
So like, sometimes when I askpeople that question, like they
said they're working on an album, they said they're working on a
book.
But I like, when I ask peoplethat question, I mean, like,

(02:11):
what are you working oninternally, like mentally,
emotionally?
So what are you working on this?

Speaker 2 (02:16):
week.
Yeah, I mean, that's a greatquestion.
I love it and I guess for meit's practicing more
self-control and just continueto learn how to really become
more and more disciplined.
You know I'm very big onlearning how to be
self-disciplined and as I getolder and older and strive in
life, I definitely try topractice that more and more.
So I feel like I can alwaysimprove on that area.

(02:37):
And so, yeah, a little bit moreself-discipline this week is
something I'm shooting for.

Speaker 1 (02:41):
OK, ok, that's good, something I'm shooting for, okay
, okay, that's good.
I think, uh, you want to havesomething in common, because I
was just saying that I need tobecome more disciplined as far
as my time and, uh, my managingmy time and decluttering my
space, um, so, like the officethat I work out of, um, if, if

(03:02):
it's not a certain way, it cankind of mess with you.
Yeah, so I have to work on that.
Yeah, where are you from?

Speaker 2 (03:14):
Originally I'm from New Jersey, just outside New
York City, and then I spent mostof my adult life in Florida,
though, but I've been living inthe Boston area I'm a little bit
north of Boston here for likethe last five years.

Speaker 1 (03:26):
OK, ok, so you said her New Jersey, her Florida and
her Boston.
So which out of those threeplaces, which one do you think
had the most impact on you?

Speaker 2 (03:40):
Well, I grew up in New Jersey.
I guess so that had a lot ofimpact on me, but I was
fortunate enough to leave NewJersey.
I guess so that had a lot ofimpact on me, but I was
fortunate enough to leave NewJersey in my early 20s.
I always say Jersey is a goodplace to be from.

Speaker 1 (03:53):
Okay, oh wow, I've never heard that before.

Speaker 2 (03:56):
Yeah, I'm not a big fan of Jersey, so I was happy to
get out of there.
I spent most of my adult lifein South Florida, which I really
love.
South Florida A lot of sun,always outside, you know can go
to the beach anytime, did a lotof deep sea fishing.
I was in the fitness industryfor almost 20 years so I really
had my own fitness studio downthere and just enjoyed working
out, you know, and just hangingaround and being outside all the

(04:17):
time.
It's a great place.
When you're younger, you knowto be in Florida because you
really have great weather prettymuch year round.
So but I do love Boston too.
Boston's an interesting area.
Love, love new England.
It's beautiful up here, offersa completely different lifestyle
, for sure.
So I'm still getting used to ita little bit.
But I would say Florida hasbeen my favorite place to live.
But I do like Boston.

(04:38):
I definitely don't like Jersey.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Oh, you made that very clear.
No thanks, you can't.
You can that very clear.

Speaker 2 (04:44):
New Jersey uh-uh, you made that very clear.
No thanks, you can't pay me togo back.

Speaker 3 (04:49):
Oh wow.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 (04:56):
I got friends there and some family still.
I visit occasionally, but it'snot my favorite place.
Want to get right into it, man,because when, when I was
reading up on, uh, integratedattachment theory, can you kind
of give, pre give the, thepeople understanding of of what,
of what that is?

Speaker 2 (05:14):
yeah.
So, uh, I came acrossintegrated attachment theory
last year when my my wife and Ihad some really crazy stuff
going down and um.
But integrated attachmenttheory is.
It's a.
It's a program created by awoman named Thais Gibson out of
Canada, and what she did was shedeveloped six core elements of
the integrated attachment theoryto begin to heal relationships
and begin to heal our attachmentstyles.

(05:35):
Attachment theory has beenaround since like the 1970s and
what that is is really it's atheory about how we actually
attach within relationships andessentially to that program
there's really four majorattachment styles.
You have a secure attachmentstyle.
That's somebody who really hastheir emotions under control,
know how to communicate well,know how to be really
emotionally balanced, reallykind of have it together.

(05:56):
You know, unfortunately, mostof us aren't going to fall in
that category.
I would say predominantly.
Most of us are going to fall inthe other three categories,
which are unhealthy categories.
Because of our own childhoodwounds and some of the issues
that we brought up with, ourperspective is now a little bit
distorted and we tend to haveproblems because of that.
So you have what's called ananxious preoccupied.
These people are very, veryrelationship oriented, really

(06:18):
love being in relationshipsreally crave connection.
They're usually a lot of fun,pretty good to be around, good
people type of thing, butsometimes they just put too much
emphasis on connectionrelationships with your spouse
maybe, relationships with theirfriends and stuff like that.
So and they can sometimes bepeople pleasers maybe, you know
almost codependent type of thing.
So it's really unhealthy.
On the flip side of that, youhave somebody who's called the

(06:39):
dismissive avoidant.
These people typically like alot of space.
They really have a hard timegetting in touch with their
emotions, you know just really.
You know really fear beingtrapped.
They really fear being in, youknow commitment.
So that's another kind oftotally opposite almost side of
that, and a lot of times thosetwo you know behaviors, those
two unhealthy, you knowattachment styles will actually

(07:01):
end up together because theykind of you know, they're kind
of looking for the other side ofthem, that they're missing
themselves.
A lot of times they get intorelationships and that can cause
a lot of problems though, andthat's why a lot of times, these
relationships ultimately, youknow, struggle.
Last but not least is what'scalled a fearful avoidant.
That fearful avoidant willswing between both the anxious
side and the and the dismissiveside, and so they tend to be a

(07:21):
little bit more erratic, alittle bit more all over the
place.
Maybe one week they're kind ofcool, the relationship's going
good, but then next week, they,you know, their fear comes up,
their fear of being, um,betrayed.
Betrayal is a big wound forthem.
So a lot of times that fear ofbetrayal or something will come
up and they'll maybe start topull away, sometimes even break
up with you out of nowhere, justout of the blue, like
something's just seemingly crazy.
But yeah, all these thingsreally come from our wounds and

(07:45):
unfortunately, we've comethrough different things in our
lives and we found thesedifferent perspective and coping
mechanisms that helped us getthrough predominantly our
childhood, but it helped ussurvive at one point in time.
But now that we're adults wecarry those wounds into our
adult lives and we try to havethese relationships and those
wounds are playing out in waysthat are causing some real
problems and ultimatelydestroying relationships, and

(08:06):
what could be a good, loving,kind, you know relationship is
now, you know, going down theshitter, if you will yeah, you
know and ultimately beingdestroyed, and it's really sad.
I always say it's, it's really.
There's nothing worse in lifethan losing the person you love
simply because you don't havethe tools necessary to keep them
.
And unfortunately for most ofus, you know, including myself,
I just wasn't born with the, youknow, wasn't raised with the

(08:28):
tools.
Nobody showed me how to havethese types of relationships and
I had to learn the hard wayover time.
And I'm, you know, older guynow I'm like 56 and it took 56
years to just kind of even getto a point where I am today,
where I can have a prettyhealthy relationship.
But unfortunately, I left a lotof trail, you know, a lot of
bad behind me, you know.
And so my goal is now just thatI want to share this message
because I'm just hoping we canhelp some people have better

(08:49):
relationships.
Man, I want to help peopletoday and that's my, that's my
mission.
So I'm excited to be here and,you know, again, hopefully you
can help some people.

Speaker 1 (09:00):
I should say when do you think was your breakthrough
moment where you were like man,I got some issues here and you
know it just really made youcome to terms with that?

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Yeah, man, that's been a long process Like I came
through.
I'm a child of the 70s, so mymom was 60 at 21 years old in
1969.
My mom was 21 years old, mybrother was already around.
My father was addicted to drugs, so he battled addiction and so
my parents split when I wasborn and so I was raised in this
really chaotic, crazyenvironment.
My parents my mom moved arounda lot just trying to pay the

(09:37):
bills and stuff.
So I developed a prettydistorted view of relationships
and had no idea really how to doanything in that regard.
And so, you know, there I wasstruggling through my young
childhood, young teens, 20,started to date, trying to
figure it all out.
I knew there were problems.
I knew there were problemsearly.
I just I just had no ideareally what to do.
And back then you know I'mtalking like you know when I

(09:59):
started dating with like thelate eighties, we didn't have
access to a lot of the stuffthat I think is out there today.
You know we didn't have these wedidn't have these great
podcasts and stuff like you'redoing here.
You know, there wasn't theopportunity.
There was a couple of books youcan maybe read, you know, and
eventually, once, once every 10years, some book would come out
where everybody'd be like, oh,you got to read this book, and
those were helpful.
But I don't that we have today.
But you know, it really came tohead for me in 2024 when, when

(10:27):
my wife and I really just wentfrom what I thought was a pretty
good relationship to, you know,all out emotional turmoil which
ultimately would lead to, youknow, a breakup and a
restraining order against me,which I was, you know, which is
crazy.
I mean I was just like, wow,what is going on?
This is, this is crazy.
But what I learned through allthat was it really was had a lot
to do with our childhood woundsand I came again through a

(10:49):
pretty dysfunctional childhood.
My wife also came through a veryabusive childhood as well just
a lot of dysfunctional militarychildhood yeah you know, she was
family of military, but theywere just dysfunctional, had a
lot of issues, and so she wasraised, her father was extremely
abusive and so she carried alot of those wounds too, and so
ultimately, ultimately, it wouldjust crash, you know, it would
just kind of, you know, thosewounds would come out as they do

(11:10):
in our lives and ultimatelykind of destroyed our
relationship for for a period oftime.
But through all that we wereable to kind of recognize some
real problems were going on andthat was really the awareness,
you know, for me more thananything is.
You know for me more thananything is, you know, I had all

(11:31):
these abandonment wounds frommy childhood, a lot of, you know
, feeling like I wasn't goodenough, uh, you know, never felt
safe, you know, feeling unsafeand stuff like that.
So, um, all those wounds justplayed out and crashed and we
just became, you know, we werejust kind of like button heads
because we didn't have the tools.
You know we didn't understandthe other side, we didn't, yeah,
you know, couldn't relate andso so that that was just crazy.
But I was fortunate enough tocome across the integrated
attachment theory, which beganto make some sense to me and I

(11:52):
started to see some answers andthat gave me a lot of hope.
So I really just delved intothat work, even though the
relationship kind of crashed andultimately, you know, june of
2024, the relationship, you know, crashed, with the restraining
on everything.
But I was already I alreadyaware of the integrated
attachment theory program and Ijust decided I was going to
learn this stuff because Iwanted to fix what was going on
with me.
I wanted to be able to have agood relationship with somebody.

(12:14):
I didn't think it was going tobe my wife anymore.
I thought that was over, but Ijust wanted to fix it.
So I was happy to do the work.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
So you said something that that really stuck out to
me.
One of them is you said havehaving a relationship with you,
uh, and I think that, uh, Ithink that's that's uh, that
that's very, that's veryimportant, because sometimes I
feel like, uh, when people do gothrough do like well breakups,
divorces or, whatever the casemay be, separations, it seemed
like they always focused on theother person you know what I'm

(12:47):
saying and it's like so muchfocuses on what they did wrong
and it's like, man, you got torealize like at this point in
time, you really should be doingthe work on yourself.
When I went to therapy, one ofthe most powerful questions it's
gonna it's gonna seem verysimple.

(13:08):
One of the most powerfulquestions a therapist ever asked
me was how was your childhood?
And it was like, once she askedme that so much stuff started
to pile out.
So I listened to you when youtalk about how you grew up and
your dad was on drugs and thestuff that your mom had to go
through, and I didn't.

(13:28):
I didn't think about how thatchildhood affected me until that
person asked me that questionhow was your childhood?
You?
know, and I, and I think, as asas older people, I think
sometimes we just block thatshit out.
You know what I'm saying?
Like that's the past.
Like why are we dwelling on thepast?
But it's like that plays a hugepart in the person you are

(13:52):
today.
Huge.

Speaker 2 (13:54):
My God, there's so much we can unpack right there.
My friend, like you, are spoton with that.
A couple of things that Ilearned through all this is
number one how powerful thesubconscious is and that 95 to
97% of our decisions in life arereally made by the subconscious
.
So that was.
That was a powerful thing thatI learned, and then you know to
understand that you know a lotof our childhood.

(14:14):
A lot of our wounds really comefrom our childhood.
The first seven years of achild's life are extremely vital
and obviously, like I, camefrom some really dysfunctional
stuff.
But the truth is we all dealwith wounds.
Even if you came from areasonably healthy family life
where you had two parents, maybeboth people were working pretty
balanced emotionally andeverything.
But sometimes those parentsstill have to go to work, they

(14:35):
still have to do certain thingsin their life and a child looks
at everything as if it's theirfault, or so let's just say
those parents decide, hey, wegot to both go to work to pay
the bills, and they leave thatkid with, you know, a
grandmother or somebody else.
That child may still feelabandoned, right, and so that
that cut.
Yeah, dude, how crazy is thatthey can still develop these
wounds.
Now hopefully, you know, withgood parenting and certain

(14:57):
amount of, you know, stabilityin life, they'll kind of learn
how to work through those woundsand become a little bit more
balanced.
But sometimes people come fromreally balanced, good childhoods
and still don't understand whythey're struggling with all this
stuff.
But a lot of this really doescome from the wounds from our
child.
I love Gabby Mate.
He's a childhood traumaspecialist and he says trauma
isn't just what happens to thechild but also what doesn't

(15:18):
happen to the child.
So let's just say a child iscrying out for safety, security,
and those parents aren't there.
They're just not there toprovide that.
Let's say they're maybe in theother room or maybe they're at
work or whatever it might beright.
That child doesn't knowanything other than it's been
abandoned, it's not getting itsneeds met, it doesn't feel safe,
and so a lot of times they justdevelop these trauma responses

(15:40):
again, even sometimes in veryhealthy childhood, you know
childhoods.
But yeah, and then all thatstuff, just, you know, it's like
a little tape, subconscioustapes that play in our brain.
And then, yeah, as adults wedon't realize it, we're not
aware of it, we just think it'snormal.
You know, we just think that'slife, that's just the way this
works, you know, right, right,and the truth.
And the truth is it's a lot oftimes it's just extremely

(16:01):
dysfunctional, and we don'trealize it, though, and that's
the problem.
So it's very important that webecome more aware of it and we
maybe start to see the patternreally get in tune with our
emotions and some of thosethings that are going on
internally, so that we can saywait a second, why am I feeling
so emotional over something thatreally shouldn't bother me?
Right, right, and emotions arereally.
You know, there's nothing wrongwith emotions.

(16:21):
Emotions, anger, frustration,all that that's okay.
What we have to do is use thatas information and to say, okay,
well, why am I acting?
Why am I feeling this way?
What are my thoughts are causingme to feel this way?
Because it's our thoughts thatreally cause our emotions.
Beliefs need for thoughts.
Our thoughts lead to ouremotions, and our emotions will
ultimately lead to our actions.
So we have to really begin to,you know, understand that

(16:43):
process and, you know, wind itback a little bit, grasp it a
little bit better, understand it, and then fix it a little bit
and start to say wait a second.
Okay, is that really healthyGood thinking?
Maybe I need to figure outdifferent ways to kind of, you
know, think and retrain thesubconscious.
Really, it's really aboutgetting into those core wounds
and there are some exercisesthat can help you begin to, you
know, reprogram some of thesubconscious wounds, if you will

(17:04):
.

Speaker 1 (17:04):
So, before I want to get into the core wounds, yeah,
and how can you?
I don't necessarily want to sayfix them, because I don't think
we tend to fix anybody I thinkwe, we try to give people the
tools to help you deal with it.
You know I'm saying yeah.
Um, I I do think about thisbecause my my friend trying.

(17:28):
He always says it seems likenowadays, when it comes to
dating, we're we're paying forthe sins of a woman's father uh,
a woman's father and andboyfriends, and then, like women
are paying for the sins of aman's mother and past

(17:49):
girlfriends, and it's kind oflike.
So when you said, when youspoke about the core wounds, it
is very interesting.
So like, how do you, how do youfeel we, we can start to, like
I said, I don't necessarily saywe can fix them, but what,
manage them?
Or whatever.

Speaker 2 (18:04):
Well, there, first of all, you have to become aware
of them right and start to againusing that, you know, generally
using your emotions to start toask yourself why am I truly
feeling this way?
And start to get in tune withthat, which takes a little
practice, but once we start todo that, we can start to realize
oh, wait a second, I'm thinking, I'm feeling, you know, I feel
like I'm abandoned, or I feellike I'm not good enough.
I feel like, um, you know,again I'm feeling, you know, I

(18:25):
feel like I'm abandoned, or Ifeel like I'm not good enough.
I feel like you know, again,I'm going to be alone for the
rest of my life.
Or, you know, somebody doesn'tlike me because I'm unworthy.
Or or maybe I'm feeling trappedhey, this person is too, too
nice to me.
Maybe they're there.
I feel like they're going totrap me, they're trying to trick
me, trap me.
All these things go through ourbrains.
Things go through our brainsand it's so.

(18:46):
It's so.
It's just so subconscious thatwe began, because, especially if
we have some reallydysfunctional child, that can
really just be distortedsubconscious.
You know the way we perceivethat, that information, if you
will.
So we have to learn how to kindof get in tune with that a
little bit.
There are some exercises thatcan begin to reprogram the
trauma, if you will.
You know that those wounds, alot of these wounds, occur from
repetition and emotion.
So those are the two thingsthat really cause us to have

(19:08):
deep, embedded, you know, wounds.
For me it was like a fear ofabandonment.
Well, why would I be a band?
Why do I have a fear ofabandonment?
Because my father was in andout of my life constantly
through my childhood and I was a.
I was a daddy's boy, like Ilove my daddy, right so.
But every time he'd come in I'dget close to him and then boom,
he'd be gone Right and then.
So I'm left feeling like, oh,you know, I'm not good enough,
my dad's leaving me because it'sme, my fault, all that stuff.

(19:29):
So you know, I have thissubconscious wound from all that
.
But again, I have to, I canlearn how to reprogram it a
little bit.
There are some, you you know.
And so my wife yeah, my wifewas fortunate enough to go to a
really good specialist who dealtwith childhood trauma.
That's, you know, was a clientof hers, a friend of hers, if

(19:50):
you will, and I was able toprovide her some therapy that
really, you know, delved intothe core wounds and that
childhood trauma and reallyhelped her a lot in that regard.
So for me, I was able to comeacross the integrated attachment
theory program, which helped meunderstand it a lot.
I began to do some of theexercises, I began to learn
about the six core elements ofthat program, which are number
one, your core wounds.
Number two, your needs.

(20:11):
Number three, your emotions.
Number four, boundaries.
Number five, our communicationand number six, our behaviors.
Okay, so if we can work on allsix of those elements of
ourselves and our relationships,it really begins to change the
dynamics for any relationship.
Number one, the relationship tomyself, but then that
relationship to myself begins tospill over into my relationship

(20:32):
with my spouse, my friends, myfamily.
It's a really great amount ofreally great tools that you can
use and begin to use for anyrelationship that you have with
anybody.

(21:07):
So so what are?
Can you?
Can you give one exercise wheremaybe we just go into a room
and we're not going to, like,obviously, start chatting it up
with every single person, butmaybe we just start the first
week by smiling at everybody,right, and just give a smile,
give a smile, give a smile,right.
Maybe that's the first week,maybe the second week we decide
to wave and smile and maybe evensay hi and smile, ok, so that
can slowly begin to change ourbehaviors a little bit and begin

(21:29):
to reprogram a little bit.
That's called the lytics, butthen we can progress with that
Right.
And so now, once they getcomfortable with that, we're
able to say, hey, now you'recomfortable with smiling, saying
hi, now we're going to, youknow, ask a question.
We're going to say, hey, how isyour day?
So?
So, just little things likethat.
But that's one thing.
But there's another one thatwhere we can actually, you know,
start our day first thing inthe morning, or end our day, you

(21:50):
know, at night, before we go tosleep, and it's about a 10 to
50 minute exercise where we canactually begin to, you know,
think about what we're, you knowwhat our wound is, and then we
can, you know, develop it in the, in the positive form.
So, um, we never want to saydouble negative.
So it's not like, um, I'm not,you know, if I, if I, let's just
say I have a wound, of sayingI'm not good enough, right, I
want to be.

(22:10):
I want to be able to say I am,I am very good at what I do, or
I'm very good because I wake upevery day and I go to work and I
I'm very good because I, youknow, I'm able to handle my
business, or I'm very goodbecause I'm kind and I'm gentle,
or I'm, you know, honest, orsomething.
So we, we begin to reprogramand we want to visualize
ourselves doing that, though.

(22:30):
So what we do is we tellourselves that, but we also
visualize ourselves in theprocess, because it's it works
off visualization as well, andwe want to, and we want to try
to feel that emotion while we'redoing it.
So I want to feel myself beinggood enough.
I want to feel myself, you know, being in a positive way, so
that it begins to start tosettle.
You know said in my brain thatyou know what I actually am?
pretty good, I actually am I amthat thing, you know, and this

(22:54):
just takes a little time, butyou can actually begin to really
do it within 21 days.
You can really see a majordifference.
And sometimes some of thedeeper wounds may take 61 days
and that sometimes again we cango back and repeat these things,
but literally within 21 daysyou can see a pretty dramatic
change.
If you can do it consistentlyand you do it properly, for
about 10 to 15 minutes everymorning or at night before you

(23:15):
go to bed, those are some of thebest times to do it, because
that's when the brain isreceptive, you know, to what
we're doing.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
Yeah, Okay, okay, so I know you spoke earlier.
You said it was four differentstyles Secure, anxious
attachment, dismissive, avoidant.

Speaker 2 (23:36):
We call it fearful avoidant, or some people call it
disorganized attachment style,but we call it fearful avoidant.
So that's the one that kind ofswings really between anxious
and dismissive.
They really kind of all overthe board.
Quite often will come from adysfunctional family, kind of
like my own maybe, where therewas a little bit more chaos, a
little bit more, you know, alittle bit more craziness,

(23:56):
because there's a lot more tofigure out.
A lot of times anxious peoplewill come from you know, pretty
healthy family maybe.
But again, there was some timeswhere they would be abandoned.
There was some times where youknow they did get their needs
met, but then you know sometimesthat parent would pull away for
whatever reason, whether it wassomething and you know
something that was legit andjust normal, or whether it was
some reason where you know itwas maybe dysfunctional, where

(24:18):
they were going out and doingthings and abandoning the kid.
You know for times where theyshouldn't be abandoned, type of
thing.
But and then the dismissivetimes.
You know a lot of timesdismissive awareness, we're
probably told you know, hey,listen, you know a kid, you're
feeling emotional.
Why don't you go to your roomand deal with that?
You know, like we don't.
We don't deal with emotionshere.
You deal with that.
Yeah, you deal with that stuffon your own.

(24:40):
So they grew up believing, youknow, that the emotions are bad,
you know, and that if you areemotional you handle them
yourself.
We don't talk about that, wedon't communicate that stuff
Like we just internalize allthat.
And you know a lot of guys aregoing to be like that.
Right, I think a lot of guystend to have that type of
thought is, you know, notemotional?
I'm a man.
I got to swallow these thingsmyself.
But the truth is we're just.
We're just we're hurtingourselves when we do it that way

(25:01):
.
So these are all three aredysfunctional.
None of them are good.
A lot of times, dismissiveavoidance will get really bad.
You know a lot of people onlinewill just, you know, really
beat up the dismissive avoidancebecause they can be pretty
hurtful in ways, are just reallybad, you know.
But I've learned to accept thembecause I understand that.
You know what they're just.
They're just dealing with itthe different way.

(25:22):
You know they're just woundedtoo.
You know they've learned adifferent way of how to handle
their, their emotions, and howto deal with that and cope with
it, and and they're just asthey're in as much pain as
everybody else.
You know, the truth is, allthree of these attachment styles
are internally.
They're feeling a lot of pain,there's a lot of hurt in there
and it sucks.
It sucks, man.
It's not a great way to go.

(25:53):
So, you know, I want to helppeople get to where my wife and
I are today and, you know,things are like a thousand times
better between us than we had ayear ago.
Yeah, we, we went from totalchaos and dysfunctional
emotional baggage and all thelittle fights and new stuff that
was going on for the first, youknow, for a couple of years
there, and then we hit that end,though, which was like the
worst thing in the world, butthe truth is that turned out to
be the blessing, that turned outto be the greatest thing that
ever happened to us, because wewere able to work through that,
do the work, get some awareness,get some understanding and come

(26:15):
out on the other side withtools.
Now we have a lot moreawarenesses, we know how to
communicate differently.
We know how to treat each otherdifferently.
We just have such an incredibleconnection now that we never
had before.
We had a good connection before, but now it's like a thousand
times better, and when you getto that side, it's pretty
awesome, because I think we allwant connection.
At the end of the day, we wantsomebody that we can really love

(26:35):
and loves us back.
Right, we both want that, youknow we want.
We want somebody special thatwe can share our lives with.
But how do we do that?
And that's the problem.
A lot of times we just don'thave these tools, man, and what
was?

Speaker 1 (26:45):
if you don't mind me asking what was the hardest
thing that you had to deal withduring that time with the
restraining order.
It was all hard.
Let me tell you, like you know,from start to finish this whole
thing was crazy and tough.

Speaker 2 (27:02):
The first thing that happened, though, is I had to
number one.
I had to accept that I hadissues, right, we talked about
that before.
First thing that happened,though, is I had to number one.
I had to accept that I hadissues, right, we talked about
that before.
You know, I had to look atmyself and stop blaming my wife
for everything, because when shechallenged me to see a
therapist, you know, I said okay, I'll go see a therapist, but I
was like I need you to see atherapist, because she was
thinking it's all my shit, and Iand I knew it was all her shit,

(27:23):
right so, but the truth is.
The truth is we both have ourown shit, and we have to.
We have to deal with our ownshit, and so, yeah, once the
restraining order happened, man,I was, I was a mess, because I
had nowhere to go here in Boston.
I didn't really have a whole bignetwork of friends and family
up here.
I was going to run back toFlorida and just kind of start
my life back over there, but Ihad a buddy who challenged me.

(27:44):
He said man, you, you know,your father abandoned you as a
child.
He said my father abandoned meas a child.
He said look at the crap we'redealing with now as adults.
He said you cannot leave yourson up there.
And, man, I said you're right.
I said I can't abandon my son.
So I stayed here, number onefor my son.
I didn't stay here to you know,get my girl back, or anything
like that.
I didn't want to pass on this,you know, to my son.

(28:05):
He deserved better.
He deserved better.
And so that was the first fightand um, but luckily enough, I
was able to find a friend ofmine, uh, within about a week,
uh, who happened to have a sparebedroom and was able to put me
up at his place for a littlewhile.
Turns out, he was dealing witha divorce and he was.
He was really being, you know,he was really dealing with it
horribly, you know he was.
He was literally drinking, uh,you know, a handle a day, you

(28:27):
know, type of thing Like, yeah,man, he was bad and so.
But I was able to help him out.
I was focused on really gettingmy act together and moving
forward with my life and I wasgoing to use this for good.
So I was learning all thedifferent stuff and I was able
to kind of share that with himand you know he credits me with
basically saving, know, helpedeach other through this

(28:49):
incredible, horrible time at theend of this thing.
You know, um, when my wife didit and I did get back together,
he would actually have a, uh, acollapse in his kitchen.
Uh, we actually got, weactually got thrown out.
About a week after I got therestraining order off, we got
evicted from our apartmentbecause he wasn't paying the
bills, and so I was like Whoa,what the hell's going on here?
So, uh, we got evicted out ofthe house.

(29:10):
The next day he wound upcollapsing in his kitchen, um,
and almost died from alcoholpoisoning and literally was told
if you ever have another sip ofalcohol, uh, you're going to
die.
And so he's been completelysober for a year now.

Speaker 1 (29:23):
Yeah, which is great.

Speaker 2 (29:25):
Again, another blessing.
You know, one of those thingsthat just turned out to be
pretty good.
But Again, another blessing,one of those things that just
turned out to be pretty good.
But it was a crazy situationand the entire time was tough.
Ok, none of it was good.
The thing that, the thing thathelped me the most, is I was
really doing this stuff to letmy wife go.
I wasn't trying to get her backand you know we were forced to
do what's called no contact.
Right, and so no contact wasthe best thing for our

(29:49):
relationship, because wecouldn't talk to each other.
The only thing I could do wasfocus on me, focus on healing,
letting time pass, dealing withall that stuff, um, and hoping
for the best.
I I never thought I'd get herback.
I was just trying to let it allgo and be like happy with.
You know, whatever happens toher, I wanted her to have a good
life.
You know she's a mother of mychild, so I didn't want to wish
ill will on her.
You know I was like, if shedoes end up with somebody else,
I hope it's a good dude, I hopeit's a good guy.
You know I didn't want to.

(30:10):
You know I didn't want to seemy son be raised by some, you
know, jerk, if you will.
So but yeah, I was able tofinally let her go and then,
little by little, you know,things came back around.
I mean, I literally couldn'tsee my son for not being able to
.
Yeah, it was just a bigdisaster, man, but it all came
because I was emotionally messedup and I remember at one point,

(30:33):
my, my ex-girlfriend, who I'mgood friends with, you know, we
were talking and she said, sheliterally said to me one day she
says, brian, you sound like adrug addict.
And I realized at that point Iwas.
I said, you're right, I feellike one.
You know, the relationship hadbecome an addiction.
My safety, my security,everything was wrapped up in
this whole, you know and Ididn't want to.
I didn't want to abandon my kid.
Like I, my biggest fear was tonot raise my kid with a family.

(30:56):
You know, like to have thatturmoil that I went through, and
so trying to keep therelationship together was like a
top priority for me.
But so when it all crashed, man, I was just like, wow, this is,
this is like the worst, thebiggest nightmare.
You know, it's like the worstcase scenario for me.
But little by little again, Ijust put my head down and that's
the thing is like you have totake ownership of our own shit
and we have to be able to lookat ourselves and say I have

(31:17):
issues, man, I need to work onmyself.
It's not about that otherperson.
They have their own stuff.
You know, we got to deal withourselves.
And then how do I that honestly, and so I can become a
different, better man, becauseat the end of the day, I need to
bring out, you know, the bestin me.
I can't blame the other personfor how I act.
I'm responsible for my actions,they're responsible for their

(31:38):
actions, and that's just the wayit is.
Um, yeah, I can't blame, Ican't point the finger anymore.
So that's, that's pretty muchwhat I learned.

Speaker 1 (31:45):
Wow, um, yeah, for sharing all that man um did you,
um, did you did you date whileyou guys were, I mean I don't
know if I should ask.

Speaker 2 (31:53):
No, it's okay, it's actually, it's a great question
did you date while you were my?
god is good to me, bro.
Um, literally within the firstweek, god took care of my
physical needs.
Okay, found me a place to live,and that was with my friend bob
.
Okay, found me a placeliterally within the second week
.
I I was, I was going to churchand I'm a I'm a man of faith.
So I just, you know, I wasgoing to church trying to do the
right thing and met a beautifulwoman there and I was just

(32:16):
going to church but all of asudden we started talking, we
had a great connection and Istarted hanging out with her for
a couple of months and, yes, wewere dating and you dating.
It was a different way ofdating and I was like, but, but
I enjoyed the girl.
She was, you know, respectfuldating and I really enjoyed time
with her.
Um, which helped.
That was that helped meemotionally to kind of feel.

(32:36):
Yeah, it felt great, you know.

Speaker 1 (32:38):
let's be honest.

Speaker 2 (32:38):
It felt good to have that a little bit.
That was definitely a littlebit of an extra emotional, you
know, uh, plus right, um.
So literally within two weeks,I had my physical needs being
met, my emotional needs werebeing, you know, soothed a bit.
And then, with all the workthat I was doing, you know, I
was just getting better andbetter healing every week, and
you know that was part of mebeing able to let my ex-wife you
know, my wife go right at thetime too.

(33:00):
So just being able to say thatand be like, hey, I'm willing to
move forward if this is what Ihave to do.
And within two weeks, man, Ireally had a lot of good things
starting to happen for me.
Miracle after miracle happenedfor me, though, my friend, like,
once I decided to make up mymind that I was going to do the
right things and put the bestfoot forward I'm not kidding For
month after month, like youknow, literally just miracle

(33:21):
after miracles really happenedfor me and ultimately turned
this whole thing into somethingamazing, you know, but that's a
great question, and nobodyreally asked me that one.
But that, you know, but that'sa great question, and nobody
really asked me that one.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
But that's, but that's the truth of what
happened.
Yeah, that I mean it just be onmy mind, man, because, like you
know, like when I was youngerand I used to hear people say
they were separated, I used toalways think like, well, what's
the rule?
You know I'm saying'm saying,like, when we separated, can you
guys date Whatever?
You know what I'm saying.
Can you only go to first base,second base, whatever I didn't
know what it was you know, andas I got older and I had the

(33:59):
experience it myself, I was like, like you said, everyone has
needs.
You know what I'm saying and itmay not just be a physical need
.
What I'm saying and it may notjust be a physical need, it's
that emotional need, it's thatyou want someone there that you
can have a conversation with.
You want someone there that youcan hang out with and go to the

(34:19):
movies, and some really youknow what I'm saying some really
spectacular happens.
You can call, and you know whatI'm saying.
You can just you can talk to,but I realized that as I got
older, you know what I'm saying,you can just you can talk to,
but I realized that as I gotolder, you know what I'm saying.
So, going back to these fourstyles secure, anxious,
attachment, dismissive, avoidant, fearful, avoidant I want to, I
want to list some likescenarios and you tell me what

(34:42):
you think what, what, what typeof style?
Okay, we can try.
That Sounds like fun.

(35:02):
So the first one is a personwho feels the need to
consistently check theirsignificant other's phone.

Speaker 2 (35:10):
What type of style do you think they have?
That could definitely be, youknow, fearful avoidant.
They tend to have a lot of fearof betrayal, and so a fearful
avoidant will tend to, you know,want to check the phone and
kind of keep an eye on thatperson because they're afraid of
being betrayed a lot.
That's a big core wound forthem.
It's one of their top ones,right?
So that fear of being betrayedkeeps them sometimes
hypervigilant about not beingbetrayed to the point where,
again, it's unhealthy'sunhealthy, right, because
checking our spouse's phone isnot something we should need to
do.

(35:30):
I, I never checked my wife'sphone, you know I I'm a big
believer.
If I can't trust that person,then I don't want to be around
them, you know so.
So trust is a big one for me,um, and trust is earned a little
bit.
Obviously, my wife gives me noreal reason to not trust her, um
, but yeah, that's the thing is,am I being hyper vigilant
because there are reasons forthat, or am I just being hyper
vigilant for no reason?

(35:51):
And that's what we have to kindof figure out sometimes.
Yeah, and both sides need tofigure that out sometimes,
because sometimes we may bemaybe doing some things that are
misleading to our spouse andmaybe we need to be a little bit
more conscious and say OK, youknow, pretty open, you know, my
wife and I leave our phones atall times.
You'm, you know, like I'm not.
I don't hide my phone, like mygirl can pick it up at any time.

Speaker 1 (36:11):
But she knows she can trust me, I can trust her, uh,
but yeah, I would say lack oftrust is that's a big one for
for uh, fearful avoidance, okay,um, what about a person who is
very nonchalant and comes offsomewhat passive, aggressive?

Speaker 2 (36:32):
Yeah, yeah, I mean that's a tough one.
I mean I would say probablymaybe a little bit more
dismissive.
You know where they're justkind of very low key about it.
They tend to just, you know,not feel like the relationship
is super important.
Underneath they do kind ofcrave that they do want that
connection, but a lot of timesthey will come off a little bit
more nonchalant and, you know,more dismissive than saying yeah
, I don't, I don't need to bearound or we can, we can take a

(36:53):
little more time in betweendating.
They're very slow to kind oflike you know, they're happy to
just be alone and hyperindependent.
So sometimes just being able tosay like, yeah, you know, it's
all good, you know.

Speaker 3 (37:11):
I'm pretty chill, oh yeah.

Speaker 2 (37:12):
You want to get together next week, Fine.
If not, no worries, they'rehappy to be alone.
So it's like OK, ultimatelythey're not Ultimately,
subconsciously, they want thatconnection, but they have a hard
time connecting to their ownemotions, which makes it even
harder to connect to otherpeople and they don't trust
themselves sometimes doing itand all that.
That's where, again, theseissues are.
But subconsciously they do wantthe connection.
That that's where again,there's these issues are, but
subconsciously they they do wantthe connection.
But in that broken state, ifyou will that, that wounded

(37:32):
state, they will tend to tend tokind of like accept, like oh
yeah, I don't need to be around,it's pretty chill whatever they
come across, pretty relaxedabout yeah, okay, um one more.

Speaker 1 (37:44):
Uh feels that is fields that is important to be
posted or referenced to onsocial media uh, that's probably
gonna be a little bit moreanxious or maybe a little bit
more fearful.

Speaker 2 (37:57):
So yeah, I mean if, if, as far as like, if they want
to be included when they'relike the post is happening or
something, is that?
I'm assuming that's what itsounds like here.

Speaker 1 (38:04):
Yeah, yeah, like they like a person that feel like
they want the pictures posted.
You know what I'm saying.
Kind of like they want thesocial media stamp.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
Yeah, they like to put it out there and flaunt the
relationship a little bit, maybekind of let people know hey,
look, how great we're doingtogether and all this other
stuff, and you know they likethe show.
That's probably going to be alittle bit more anxious side
where they just like to againthe relationship is the most
important thing sometimes intheir life and so you know, by
putting it out there and showingthe world how great
everything's going, it makesthem feel good, it makes them
feel like important and they canfeel like they're connected to

(38:40):
the whole experience and they'resharing it with other people.
So yeah, I'd say that probablyleans a little bit more anxious,
for sure more anxious.

Speaker 1 (38:52):
For sure, okay, okay, okay.
Um, what?
How would you describe ahealthy relationship?

Speaker 2 (38:58):
That's a great question.
Um, man, I think a healthyrelationship is one where we're
just, uh, number one.
We have similar goals and we'rewe're kind of connecting that
level.
But I think it's the ability tomeet each other's needs,
understand what our needs areand then kind of share those,
meet those needs for each other,give each other the space we
need, communicate when we needto communicate and just really
laugh and be able to connect andlaugh a lot and work right and

(39:22):
work to get laughed at Laughedis a big one.
Matt, my wife and I, we laugh alot together, and that's one of
the things I think that's sovital for us is we just have a
lot of laughs.
But all those other things areimportant too, though being able
to communicate, being able toshare our needs, being able to
meet each other's needs and loveeach other and be a lot of
grace.
You've got to have a lot ofgrace, man.
You've got to be able to reallyjust forgive your spouse,
because we're so human, we're soimperfect man.

(39:43):
We just all have.
You know, and and we have to beable to as long as again what
they're working hard on, thatthey're trying, they're doing
their best and you know they'rereally going there, then then
give them, give them some grace,you know, unless somebody's
just flat out being nasty andmean, you know, to that point,
then yeah, okay, it's time toback away.
But if I'm with somebody who'sjust trying their best and
sometimes they're struggling and, and you know, there's always

(40:04):
this thing where it's likepeople say, well, if they, if
they could, they would.
Well, it's not always the case.
You know, a lot of times wedon't know and we and we can't
like our subconscious, oursubconscious wounds are keeping
us from being able to to do thethings that sometimes you know,
you think we should be able todo.
Um, but because we're sowounded, we just sometimes can't
show up in the way that wepersonally like to ourselves,
but we just don't know anybetter.

(40:30):
So yeah, you got to have a lotof grace.
That's a great question.

Speaker 1 (40:31):
I love that question.
So, speaking of speaking ofbeing imperfect, I got a
question for you.
Ok, so let's say, here's ascenario I don't, I don't know a
significant other or anythinglike that, but it's just
scenario if your significantother would always be musty, no

(40:52):
matter what, no matter how manytimes they showered, no matter
what kind of deodorant they use.
It would always be musty.
Could you stay with them?

Speaker 2 (41:08):
I don't know.
That's a great question.
I don I could, man, I'll behonest with you.
That's one of those.
That's one of those things Ithink that you know.
Obviously, in the dating stageit's easy to say hell, no, like
you know.
But let's just say, with yourspouse you've been in love for
10 years and maybe something'sgoing on with them physically
and all of a sudden they arehaving a, a, an odor, they're
musty, right.

(41:29):
So then what do you do now,it's one of those yeah, that's
what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (41:34):
It's because it's like you.
I mean you because, like yousaid, like you're not gonna
always be perfect.
You know, I'm saying like andyou have.
You have to realize that peoplehave their flaws.

Speaker 2 (41:45):
So it's kind of like the saying take me as I am
obviously, yeah, they're doingeverything they can and they are
showering, they are using, youknow, deodorant stuff.
There's this physical issuegoing on there and so we, we're
gonna work.
I'm gonna probably work throughthat, you know, at some point,
so long as I know that we'retrying to make this thing work.
That's really not what I wantto deal with.

(42:07):
But at the end of the day, whenyou're in love with somebody
like that and and you know, hey,put the shoe on the other foot,
right.
If I was doing it and it was myissue and I didn't, and I
didn't know why it was happening, and I didn't know, and I was
doing my best to shower and Iwas doing my best to put good
deodorant on and everything else, and it was still no.
Now if I was just like carelessand just say, well, I don't

(42:27):
feel like showering and I don'tfeel like taking care of myself,
that's different.
Now we've got a different issueon here.
So but yeah, that's a.

Speaker 1 (42:39):
That's a great question.
That's a funny one.
What, what, what?
What are your thoughts on?
What do you?
What are your thoughts onpeople in relationships having
best friends of the opposite sex?

Speaker 2 (42:50):
Yeah, I mean, that's a tough one, right, so it
definitely gets a littlechallenging.
I mean, I have friends of theopposite sex and there's
absolutely nothing between us.
My wife knows that.
I always make sure my wifeknows she's number one, and if
my wife felt uncomfortable aboutit, I would absolutely end that
relationship with that friend.
Yeah, because I truly believeif my spouse is the most
important person to me, thenthen I've got to show her that.

(43:12):
Hey, I'm willing to.
You know, let a particularperson go.
If, for some reason, herintuition is telling her that
she doesn't trust that person,or something like that, then it
may be something I have toreally think about.
Yeah, yeah, hopefully,obviously.
I think a lot of my friends aretrustworthy and so it hasn't
been an issue so much for us.
And you know some of the girlsthat I know I've I've been
friends with for 10, 15, 20, 20plus years, you know.
And, um, I'm, like I said, I'mgood friends with a next

(43:35):
girlfriend of mine, uh, whohappened to be a terminal cancer
survivor, but so we have apretty strong bond just because
I helped her survive her cancer,if you will.
So, um, and my wife knows aboutthat, but she knows that there's
no, there's no shenanigansthere.
There's no, I'm not interestedin her at all.
Uh, that was a relationshipthat should have ended years
before it did.
You know, it's kind of thingwe've always just been friends

(43:56):
for the most part, but we dateda couple years when we really
shouldn't have.
Uh, that's a tough question.
I think each one has to beaddressed individually.
For sure, um, yeah, for sure,and it, and it's a tough one.
But I think when you're trulylooking at your spouse and if,
for some reason, your spouse isuncomfortable, and then we have
to listen to that and say, well,you know again how much of it

(44:16):
is sometimes their own wounds.
So sometimes it is their woundwhere they're just feeling that
lack of trust, and that'ssomething that they have to look
at a little bit.
But on the flip side of it,sometimes we have to say am I
doing little things that may behelping spur that on?
Am I doing little things thatmay be helping spur that on?
Am I staying out too late?
Am I hanging out with guys whoare the type of guys who like to
cheat on their spouses andstuff Like okay, I may not?

Speaker 5 (44:38):
be that way.

Speaker 2 (44:39):
But if I'm hanging out with friends like that, then
my wife may look at that and go, well, you're hanging out with
guys that are like that.
So you know, birds of a featherflock together, type of thing,
right?
So there's a lot to that, manfor sure, and that can be hard,
because sometimes we have goodfriends that we, you know, and
sometimes they're of theopposite sex, that you know.
Yeah, Sometimes the spouse canget a little jealous.
So something to think about.
I think on both sides, you know, am I being overly?

(45:01):
You know, I also feel like formy wife, like I've I've told her
hey, listen, I don't mind ifyou go out for dinner with an
old friend.
You get a guy that you knowlike if you go somewhere, but I
don't need you going out fordrinks with them, like you know
what I mean.
Like you go out to drinks withme, yeah, you know right, I mean
, I don't share that Now, do you?
want to go out for lunch, youwant to.

(45:24):
You, fine, that's, friends arefriends.
But yeah, yeah, exactly whatare you doing when you're going?
You know, spending time withthis, you know this opposite sex
friend, that's where it needsto be kind of like, obviously,
yeah, there's certain thingslike unacceptable.
I'm the one that's going tospend time, I'm the one you're
going to share your intimatethoughts with and feelings, and
stuff like that.
Right, that's not for thatstuff.
Right, that's where that'sthat's crossing a line.

(45:46):
If you're just again gettingtogether where it's just casual,
and you're talking aboutfriends, family things, you know
you've been friends for a longtime.
How things going, what's goingon with your business stuff like
, okay, fine, that's great, youknow.
So, yeah, things like that.
I think it's just a toughquestion.
I think it has to be reallydanced around pretty carefully
for sure.

Speaker 1 (46:04):
Yeah, thank you for answering that too it made me
think about the whole concept ofboundaries.
Yeah, because I feel like it'spossible to to have those
relationships, but you have toalways consider the boundaries
because, yeah, your boundariesmay not be the same as the other

(46:24):
person's boundaries.
You get what I'm saying, yeah,so that may cause a problem.
I love that.

Speaker 2 (46:28):
No, honestly, I just want to say I love that.
You're 100 percent right.
Boundaries are the key.
And that's how we need tounderstand what the boundaries
are and convey those.
We need to be able tocommunicate those boundaries
pretty, you know, pretty openly.
And then we also have to be alittle bit of balance in there,
right.
So they can't be non-existent,but they also can't be so

(46:51):
extreme that we can't even liveup to something like that but
find a good balance.
But those things boundaries arethe key to keeping it all
together.
For sure, that is reallyimportant.

Speaker 1 (47:06):
Okay, what is the most important thing that you've
learned from your wife?

Speaker 2 (47:14):
man, I think that we're both each other's mirror,
right, and I remember uh, yeah,because you know, one of the
things that she said to me wasshe thought all the problems
that were wrong with me wereactually and this is what she
learned when we were apart wasall the things that she thought
were wrong with me were actuallyher own issues and, and
probably and probably by right,everything I thought was wrong

(47:38):
with her was also a lot of thethings that I was internally
dealing with, and so if we lookat our spouse and we wonder all
those things that we don't likeabout them, chances are those
are a lot of things that we'redealing with ourselves
internally.

Speaker 1 (47:49):
Yeah, hello, oh man, I gotta think about.
That must be question.
That's the case, yeah, butthat's something that I learned
tremendously.

Speaker 2 (47:59):
So a lot of times you know the things that were
really upset, things that reallyget us emotional and angry and
stuff like that or emotional.
A lot of times it's reallywe're just kind of putting it on
the other person, but a lot oftimes it comes back to ourselves
for sure, and that's a toughone to accept.
Oh wow, oh man.
Well, hopefully you're,hopefully you're not too musty.

Speaker 1 (48:27):
Man, brian, really man.
A couple things, man, for one,I'm I'm so glad that that, that
we had a chance to connect, um,I, I really do appreciate this
conversation with you, man, um,and just you being vulnerable,
uh, and and telling your storyand, uh, just giving us some
advice about dealing with thesedifferent relationships, because

(48:50):
I think that in this day andage, we're so caught up.
Hold on one second, I believethat we're so caught up on
exterior things and whateverybody else thinks that we're
not in tune with ourselves and,um, having this conversation

(49:14):
with you man really helped me,um, and I really do appreciate
the work that you're doing.
Uh, let the people know howthey can get in contact with you
, cause I know you do publicspeaking, uh, events and
everything.
So let the people know how toget in contact with you.

Speaker 2 (49:29):
First thing you can do is you can go to my website.
It's calledmakeyourrelationshipfailcom or
myrelationshipfailcom and it'sreally about obviously we don't
want to make our relationshipsfail, but it's really a kind of
a play.
Sometimes it does take arelationship failure to actually
, you know, get us turned aroundand actually turn that into
something great.
I always say it's called abreakup, not a breakdown.
We're going to level up.
If we're breaking up, we'regoing to use this time to level

(49:51):
up, and so we're going to dothat.
But go to my website,nikiarealationshipfailcom or
myrelationshipfailcom.
Number one you can take thisattachment quiz, all right, so
you can learn what yourattachment style is and get a
pretty good synopsis from that,which is fun to do.
That.
That's completely free.
But I also always challengeeverybody to join the personal
development school through mywebsite.
That is Tyce Gibson's school.

(50:12):
There is a treasure trove ofinformation in there videos that
you can watch at your ownleisure, great workbooks that
you can do to really begin toheal, learn and understand this
stuff.
They do daily webinars where youcan literally get in with a
group of people who are workingon this stuff themselves people
from all over the country, allwalks of life.
It is such a great community, Ilove it and that's a great

(50:33):
place to start getting somehealing and learning and
starting to do that.
Now, when you do all that, I'mgoing to give you a free session
with me.
Happy to hear your story, Iwant to see if I can point you
in the right direction, give yousome tips and some ideas and
things to work on.
If you decide you wantconsistent help and you want to
work with me as your coach,happy to do that on a weekly
basis, we can kind of go throughsome programs and I can point
you in the right direction, makesure we're doing the work
necessary so we can kind of movethat needle a little bit faster

(50:55):
.
And then, yeah, if you justneed somebody who wants to be a,
needs a podcast guest or needsa speaker, I'm always happy to
do that too, man.

Speaker 1 (51:11):
I problem, no problem .
Thank you so much, man.
Much, much success to you andyour family in the future.
Hopefully we'll definitely bein touch.
I hope so, man.
This was a lot of fun, dude.

Speaker 2 (51:28):
Thanks for the last.
I really enjoyed some of thosequestions tonight.
This is a lot of fun, dude.
Thanks for the laughs.
I really enjoyed some of thosequestions tonight.
This is a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 (51:32):
Thanks for having me alright.
Brian peace.
Yeah, yeah, yo check it outy'all.
Um, that was dope, that wassuper dope.

(51:54):
Um, at this point in time,though, y'all know how we get
down.
Uh, this is the um d DJspotlight music portion of the
show and this week.
You know it is one of the mixesfrom yours truly, dj Monson

(52:18):
Stara, and I hope you all dig it.
Get into it.
Any DJ out there, man, if youwant your mix played on the
podcast, email djmonsonstoraj atgmailcom and make sure you got

(52:43):
your name in the mix somewhere,and yeah, and we'll play it.
We'll get it on for you.
I'm trying to load it now.

Speaker 3 (53:51):
That is Thank you.
You I lied, I said you were thetruth, you took it as the truth
and now I got you.
But I don't want you like that.
There only lives one love, andlove that you can't compare to,
and that's the bare, naked truth.

(54:12):
You knew and I knew, but youdidn't want to hear what I
didn't want to hear, what Ididn't want to tell you.
Now we've got hard times.
Now there's no love at home.
When, separate, we feel soalone.

(54:34):
But we can't stand to betogether to talk about it.
We had time to I and C.
I thought.
Since death bodies Can't beloved, what if we Produced a
shorty?
Our times would still be visualWithin this love, within our

(54:55):
love.
This can't be love.
That's the bear I'm the seed tothe O-M-O-N.
I sit and think with a drinkAbout how I'm gonna win.

Speaker 4 (55:04):
I'm the seed to the O-M-O-N.
I sit and think with a drinkabout how I'm going to win.
I'm the seed to the O-M-M-O-N.
I sit and think with a drink.
Do you want to be an MC or doyou want to serve?
Do you want to be dope?

Speaker 6 (55:14):
D-E-J Monsoon Starop, the dopest DJ you've heard thus
far.

Speaker 4 (55:20):
I can't get the most out of this game like a reffer,
me and Sokich controller, mytester being the bester.
Three out of five with Bennybody acid NBA live rappers.
Take a dive like Greg Louganiswith me.
I swear to be in Bay Bay'salley and at the click of gators
.
Not a hater of the players, I'mmore like a coach or an owner.
I used to love her but now Ibone her.

(55:40):
At one point in rhyme rhyme Ithought I lost my erection, but
then I got it back with theresurrection.
Blessings upon Ron's old manwho called him a traitor.
Vidcom Saddam is singing styles.
I predict I'm the C to theO-M-M-O-N.
I sit and think with a drinkabout how I'm gonna win and I'm
the D to the O, the V to the E,and can't no other brother cook
these delicacies?

Speaker 5 (56:01):
Well, I'm the PLU G to the 1.
Walk around the planet Earthmaking money having fun.
Walk around the planet Earthmaking money having fun.

Speaker 6 (57:09):
Walk around the planet Earth.
Thank you To this day.
I'm wondering why you neverchose me.
Oh, baby, oh, tonight, baby,baby, please.
Soon's the wrong first of hisname, dopest, in the game.
And I'm playing with my ownhands and I'm playing with my
own hands and I'm playing withmy own hands and I'm playing

(57:33):
with my own hands and I'mplaying with my own hands and
I'm playing with my own hands.
Won't you thrill me?
Will you thrill me?
Thrill me, thrill me tonight.
Say hello to me, thrill me,thrill me tonight.

(57:54):
Hey, yeah, even if it's for awhile, enjoy this good lovin'
with a smile.
We'll move on tonight, hangin'in on the candlelight.
We'll move on tonight, baby,have a little of the candlelight

(58:23):
.

Speaker 3 (58:25):
Then you can do me baby tonight.
Do me baby tonight.
Do me baby tonight, baby, Iknow, I know, I know what's up.

(58:46):
Don't throw me too much, don't?
You, don't, you, don't, youdon't, you don't, you don't, you
don't, you don't, you don't,you don't, you don't, you don't,
you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you
don't, you don't, you don't, youdon't, you don't, you don't,
you don't, you don't, you don't,you don.
Tell me, you are all my world,Every day.
You're the main thing In mylife.

(59:08):
I need your love, only you, mylove.
Tell me, oh, oh, grill me baby,grill me Baby, baby me To me,

(59:42):
to me baby, baby Tonight,tonight, right now, baby, that's
what I want to do, baby, I wantyou to do it tonight.
Don't say no, don't say maybe,just say baby.

(01:00:14):
Now We'll be right back, andfor how long?
Just to build it up.
There must be some reason whywe'll come back.
Love and life, the only thingI've ever done.

Speaker 6 (01:00:32):
That still feels right Must be said, in ways A
stubborn kind of melody.
So let me think Just keep onlovin' me, just keep on lovin'

(01:00:55):
me, lovin' me.
Go ahead, baby Uncle.

(01:01:16):
Now each of them fuck Blackguitar before they mind I'm
going for junk.
People spread gossip andbelieve it they must, but I slam
, dunk pokes and make them fightthe dust.
A minute is needed to make aphony roni bleed and put them in
a bucket like a chicken feed.
Check out the pick up thelitter.
Not a quid.
I'm nice and I'ma dust you off.
Dust you off.
Trust you and my homies onturrets.
A terrible fan Gotta jump theshe act.
Miracle man, dominant, dominant.

(01:01:43):
I'm dog.
Then put your booty in theclink, clink.
Hands up to a Marley Marley,make a single love.
Let me see your earrings jinglelove.

Speaker 3 (01:01:52):
The jingling baby go ahead baby.
The jingling baby go ahead,baby.

Speaker 6 (01:01:58):
I chopped you, chewed you, baked you and stewed you
Then stopped your pop.
You need to stop.
You kinda rude, you, no goodn***a.
You trying to face how weliving home Get out my face.
I'm complete, in effect, and Ican't fall.
Ride surprise, and I'd ride youall To stand back and peep,
don't sleep or doubt my skill.
At your end I turn your motherout.
I'm top notch.
You're playing hot scotch Now.

(01:02:19):
I'm a dude.
You're real funny.
You really tried to go foryours, but I know why.
You ain't handled over for soyou're tired and lied to drain
my fame.
This ain't a game.
Yo, you know my name Innovating, devastating.
You don't wanna single nowDancing my remix single.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
They're jingling baby , go ahead baby.
They're jingling baby, go aheadbaby.
They're jingling baby, go aheadbaby.

Speaker 6 (01:02:58):
They're jingling, baby.
How should I say it?
Whoever set you up, they justhad to play it Cause man, yeah,
I feel for you, brother, I'm abad.
Bad Word to the phone.
We are taking out suckers whilethe ladies pucker Rolling over
punks like a redneck truckerInnovating, devastating.
They don't want a single.
Now Let me see your earringsjiggle, they're jingling baby.

Speaker 3 (01:03:16):
Go ahead, baby.
They're jingling baby.
Go ahead, baby.
They're jingling baby, they'rejingling baby.
Break time.
Ain't got no riches, ain't gotno money that runs long, but I
got a heart that's strong andthe love that's tall.
Ain't got no name, ain't got nofancy education, but I can see

(01:03:37):
right through A powder face on apainted fool.
Let me slip through.
Why you tryna hold me back?
I'm just tryna move up front.
Little more of this, littleless of that.
Can you feel me?
Let me come through.
I'm tired of being in the back.
I'm just tryna move up front.
Little more of this, littleless of that.

(01:03:57):
Yeah, they tell me I was bornto lose, but I made a good, good
thing out of bad bad news.

Speaker 5 (01:05:05):
Come on, we'll be right back.
Money I spent, pay me back whenyou shake it again.
The dawn all the time, with allthe shine, you small time I
ball with mine.
Links, minks, bentley, it's allwith mine.
My jams bump out to theborderline, uk, hot with it,
blue spots with it, everycontinent, love when I spit it.
Corners to blocks, even thecops feel it.
Brothers on lockdown on theircot, feeling this real in the
field.
The last Mohican who in thestreets and did something decent
.
Now I got plans to buy thewhole hood Legit.

(01:05:26):
Now I ain't got a lot of nojudge.
I make hits now.
Money I flip now.
Hood fella, every honey wannakiss now.
I lit up my neck, pinky andwrist now.

Speaker 3 (01:05:34):
So girls everywhere, this how we get down, uh huh,
just to back it up, you can holdmy ice.
Now, let's say, you owe mesomething, yeah owe me back like
you owe your tax.

Speaker 5 (01:05:49):
Owe me back like 40 acres to blacks.
Pay me back.
Will you shake it like thatgirl?
I'm sure I'll let you saywhat's your price.

Speaker 3 (01:05:57):
Uh huh, just to back it up, you can hold my ice.

Speaker 5 (01:06:01):
Now let's say you owe , owe, yeah owe me back like you
owe your rent.
Owe me back like it's money Ilent.
Pay me back when you shake itagain.
We lay the wind girls in theclub movin', I get em real hot.
My songs should do some highflow.
I'm so mysterious Nas andNasty's the alias, everything
platinum I glow.
Cadillac trucks pullin' up tothe door, top out the car Lounge

(01:06:25):
.
At the bar we spend a thou,we're wild.
Look how round we are.
Feel like a million dollars.
Feel me holler To the max withthe Benz and chrome wheel and
polish Thugs and renters.
To the players and ballers Sexymamas, fly ladies looking
proper.
Look good enough to be takingshopping Earrings, bracelets.
Now you rocking your body sonice that I give you this option
.
Let you wear my big chain andwe get it.

Speaker 3 (01:06:44):
Poppin' Shawnee, say what's your price Just to back
it up.
We can hold my ice.
Now they're saying it's all orsomething.

Speaker 5 (01:06:55):
Yeah owe me back like you owe your tax.
Owe me back like 48 gives theblacks.
Pay me back.
When you shake it like thatgirl, Shawnee say that's your
price back like you.
Hold your.
Print me back like it's.

(01:07:16):
I think you owe me some.
You owe me Shackles on yourfeet.
I think you owe me some you oweTimbaland.
You owe me some.
Lock you down, baby.

(01:07:37):
You know what you owe me.
Back like Goldie, it's the samestory.
Let you hold something.
You spinning it right, Knowwhere you gonna be by the end of
the night.
Make it bound, Shake it, Moveit around, Wiggle it a little
bit, Throw it to the southBetter sizing Me and Sodden you
riding.
Throw it like a stallion.
You wearing my medallion.
You're there.
Say what's your price.

Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
Say what's your price ?
Yo, what up y'all.
That was the DJ spotlighttonight, yours truly, dj Monsoon
Staran, the dopest DJ you heardthus far.

Speaker 3 (01:08:45):
God damn All right y'all.

Speaker 1 (01:08:49):
I want to give a very special shout out to my man,
brian Power, for tuning in andchecking in with us.
He is a certified integratedattachment theory coach.
All the information was givenout.
Y'all need to get in tune withthem.

(01:09:09):
Uh, for those of you who aretrying to work on your
relationship, or better yet,just work on yourself, because,
um, that's where it starts youworking on yourself, because if
you are no good to yourself, how, if you are no good to yourself
, how can you be any good toanyone else?

(01:09:29):
You know, um, I do want toleave y'all with this too.
Um, I don't know who, neitherit is, but it is your business.
And some things is going on inthe world right now and people
may feel like, well, that's notmy business, that don't things
that's going on in the worldright now and people may feel
like, well, that's not mybusiness, that don't concern me,
but it does concern me.
I'm not saying that you have tobe out on the front line and

(01:09:57):
getting your ass whooped orsomething like that, but you can
do something.
We just can't ignore everything, because the same way it's
happening to somebody else, itcan happen to you.
So it is your business.
Don't just sit around and allowpeople to get taken advantage

(01:10:24):
of and make it seem like it'sokay.
You do have a voice.
What's your opinion?
Um, like I said, it may not beyour thing to go out there and
be on the front line and gettear gassed and shit like that,
but don't act like it's nothappening.
Don't do that.
Um, I want to give, uh, somesome shout outs to my supporters

(01:10:46):
, people that's been rockingwith this just podcast for years
uh, my man, tron decaders, markg, uh, the family, jaylen, joey
, bryce, um, my brother, my moms, anybody, anybody that's been

(01:11:06):
checking in with this podcastand keeping us going for all
these years.
I definitely appreciate y'all.
Check the go Spotify, go toApple Podcasts, podmatch,
whatever and check out the pastepisodes and let me know what
you think, the past episodes andlet me know what you think.
Also, I want to say make fans,not followers.

(01:11:30):
Followers will get you caught.
Fans will get you work.
Trust the process, realize thatnothing happens overnight,
nothing of importance happensovernight, and you have to be
patient.
You have to be passionate, um,and and have a plan.
So, with that being said, y'allcan check us out on spotify,

(01:11:53):
apple podcast, uh, pod match,anywhere you get your podcast
that you can find, the shitspodcast.
That's s-h-I-T-T-S Podcast, andthe shits stand for some hip
individuals thinking, thenspeaking.
We try to stay true to thatmotto.
We try to, and until then,until next time, y'all keep

(01:12:17):
tuning in.
I am your host, dj Monsoons,the Raw, the dopest DJ, the
dopest host you heard thus far,and I'll holler at y'all Laters.