August 24, 2022 • 42 mins
Today on The Shi**iest Podcast w/ Poopies, we welcome Bert Kreischer. Tune into part 1 of this 2 part interview.
Produced by Straw Hut Media
This episode is sponsored by Mccarthy Law: Visit mccarthylawyer.com/podcast or call 866-777-0748 and provide promo code: POOPIES for 50% off retainer fees. They'll also fix your credit report errors at no out-of-pocket cost to you.
Produced by Straw Hut Media
This episode is sponsored by Mccarthy Law: Visit mccarthylawyer.com/podcast or call 866-777-0748 and provide promo code: POOPIES for 50% off retainer fees. They'll also fix your credit report errors at no out-of-pocket cost to you.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Shit. Fuck, you've never donethis before. This is new. I'd
like to suck our old yet,Oh Harry, have me that? Oh
yeah, surprised to surprise? Doyou tighten me up? I kind of
just kept fell into this seat.Uh yeah, I don't know. I
(00:22):
like it kind of. H Ichanged up my seats on my podcast.
Start rolling. We're rolling right now. Nice ah, Hello there, and
welcome back to the Shittiest Podcast withBoopies. We have a big guest today,
literally, Bert Kreischer is a bigman, and he's big within his
industry. He's also a big drinker. It's hard to see it, but
(00:44):
he actually brought a guy with himwho's making him and Whoopies drinks throughout the
recording. If you're familiar with Burtat all, you know that this is
pretty consistent with the persona he givesoff on this various podcast appearances. Let
me assure you it's authentic. Hoopiesis getting better right interviewing, I think,
But as always, I'd like toapologize for the continuous interruptions of his
guest, as well as the repeatedstories Boopies tells about himself. But it
(01:08):
seems like alcohol kind of adds fuelfor that fire, and as I mentioned,
for it, basically brought Barb withhim. Do your best to enjoy
this especially shitty episode. Hey,you're not a waterman unless you get been
rescued once for real, though,put your hands together. Like when I
(01:30):
stuck this freaking Roman cattle in mybet hole, I had a lot of
haters. Dude, the shittiest podcastin the world, dude. Yeah,
I switched up on my podcast.I'll move seats. I just moved my
whole podcast set up to a desk. I did, as you know,
I did, Yeah, because youcould have all your stuff on it.
Yeah, and I like to haveknick knacks, and it's so funny.
(01:53):
I enjoy doing There you go,Tito's for you. This is how it
works. If you ever do apodcast you want cocktails, always bring your
own, and always bring ice.No one ever has ice. And I
kind of was like, I bethe doesn't have cups either. Bro,
he kind of you killed it forsure. I was baffled. I was
like, dude, this guy's gotice, cups, fucking got his own
little bartenders. So let's start withI'm a fucking fan of yours. Before
(02:15):
before jackass dude. That's huge,dude. That is huge, dude.
Like when people say that, like, I fucking like go. I appreciate
that, like because that's when Iwas doing all my gnarly ship dude,
like fucking sixty foot waves. I'mout there. I don't I'm not a
big wave surfer. Yeah, likeit was freaking I was. I went
through the gauntlet, dude, Iwas. I remember, I think I
(02:37):
found you through Jamie O'Brien. Yeah, he's the boy, dude. I
don't even get me started on JamieO'Brien. Jamie O'Brien introduced me to this
whole group of surfers in Hawaii thatnow I follow because they're like Nathan Florence.
I love that fucking kid. Heis such good fucking energy. Oh
dude, he has such funny Meand me and Nathan really got got a
(03:00):
long like because he was always overat Jamie's and I was like kind of
scared, like not scared, justlike I wonder how they're gonna treat me,
you know. Yeah, And dude, Nathan was the nicest kid to
me ever. He's a dude.I have all my podcast back when we
were doing zooms over what you wannacall it. But I love his I
love his vlog or you know,yeah, yeah he started the vlog because
all those kids were kind of liketoo cool to start vlogs. Yeah yeah,
(03:23):
you know what I mean, Well, it's it's okay, and it's
like others, dude, like it'sa freaking it's fun to do and you're
gonna make a lot of money ifyou are successful. It's and it was,
it's cool. Here's the thing thatI think it's it's hard. Like
when you look at like someone likei'll use Kelly Sladers. I know he's
a little bit of a like alegend, right, like he's the legend,
he's number one. I understand KellySlater not starting a vlog. I
(03:44):
get it, right, I understand. I get it's like he's Kelly Slatter.
There needs to be an aura.I kind of understand John John Florence
not starting a vlog. I kindof legend. But I'll tell you what,
when he did that fucking sailing tripwith on the Velvet or whatever it's
called, it was so fucking funto watch. And then part of me
goes, okay, because you gotNathan, you got the whole pack there.
Yeah, and it was like,dude, I myself, I said
(04:06):
to myself, I want to sailfrom LA to Hawaii because of that video.
Because of that fucking video. Butthen what's cool. It's like,
so then it takes survival too.Yeah. Yo, dude, you're like
surviving and like trying to like makeit fun, but at the same time,
you know you could like die atany minute. It's the moment I
was telling pretty funny. I gotlost. I got lost in the woods
(04:27):
one time in Wisconsin with eleven people, right, but we're eleven people and
it was fun to watch the groupslow person by person realized they were lost.
Right. I was the first onethat when you realize, Yeah,
I was the first one that realizedthat we were lost. We got dropped
off in a helicopter and the helicopterwas waiting to take us out, right,
(04:48):
we had cars. The cars metup with the helicopter were the Millino
where we go to this. Wego to this, uh, this it's
waterfall is for TV. And wetell to his chick and she's on Mike
and we hear say, don't dothat shot the fuck Some of the worst
(05:11):
in my life. We used toproduction guy. No, no, no,
it was the fucking talent. No. Oh my god, did talents
got married? They're like, yeah, we're gonna get married over here.
They I had working bro, Ihave one. Uh. I used to
do this thing on on stage whereif someone wanted to get engaged, I'd
(05:31):
be like, on stage, I'dlet it, I'd do it. I
was. I always think comedy shouldbe fun. I don't think you should
be too precious. So what Ido is I bring the guy and girl
on stage. I'd say we're gonnaplay a game. Let's do a shot.
We do a shot. I saywe're gonna play a game. I'm
gonna blindfold you the girl, andyou're I perform shirtless. And so you're,
uh, we're both gonna hear he'sgonna take your shirt off. You're
gonna feel both our chests and tellme which one is your man. That's
(05:55):
how we know how good you guysare. No way, So then what
she do is she put on ablindfold, He take off his shirt and
then he dropped to his knee.We take off the blindfold. He'd be
on his knee with the ring.It was fucking great, right, So
one day We're in Columbus at theFunny Bone and Dave's troop says, hey,
I got a proposal. I said, no problem, I'll do it.
Yeah yeah, I just just rightpardon on stage. Let me know
(06:16):
who it is. Led. Sohe's like, he's like, okay,
I'll tell them. So he goesover right before him about to go on
stage. He goes, it's thepeople in the front row. They're expecting
it. He goes, here's theproblem though. The woman's proposing to the
guy, and I went huh andthey're like, shirt now I'm on stage.
Holy face, this wedding. I'mliterally trying to how do I How
(06:40):
do I say? So? Likeat the end, I'm like, hey,
why don't you guys come up intohis stage bring him on stage?
And it's the girl and he's likehe's like yeah yeah. And now I'm
thinking, okay, what do Iblind How do I blindfold him? Your
shirt off? It's so bad she'sgonna propose him. So I go,
all right, I hope he didit. I said, we're gonna blindfold
you and we're both gonna whisper inyour ear and you gotta say no way
(07:04):
whisper on so I blindfold him.The girl goes and takes a knee,
and the audience goes, oh,right, and he's like, what's going
on, what's going on? Andit was like, no fucking way,
Oh God, take the blindfold offhim. And he looks at that looks
at me, and he goes,you're a fucking dick, and I went
(07:24):
I'm sorry. And the girl's like, will you marry me? And he
goes, fine, no way,fine, fine, he was over it
fine, and then they she putsa ring on him, and everyone in
the audience like, oh man,everyone, I mean we're talking about oh
my god. He sits down.She was horrific. Fuck. The poor
(07:47):
guy just sat the rest of myshow. He's like, she's wrap it
up. I only get home.It's fucking rough. I don't know.
We get lost in the woods.Yeah, yeah, I love it though.
I love it, dude. That'sfucking classic. Yeah, we got
lost in the woods, and anduh, it's why people realized they were
lost. Yeah, the wedding.Then you did the wedding, and then
yeah, the talent, that guy, that guy. Man, those travel
(08:09):
channel show stories were so much fun. My point of saying all this was
I found you through Jamie O'Brien,and I became a fan of yours because
I liked the there was a verylike realness to your videos. There was
like a you didn't look hungry,you didn't look like you were trying to
be famous. You looked like youwere doing what you liked. Yeah,
just stut and teach him how tosurf or something. Yeah. Well,
(08:31):
I was just trying to make avlog. You know. There's like there's
a little like it's like an essay. You know. You have your intro,
you have your like your intro ofintro, and then you have your
what you're doing, and then yougo do it, and then in the
middle of doing it, you youexplain how it is and then you go
from there. It's like a wholestoryline. But that's what I was trying
to do and like trying to figureit out because I saw Jamie doing it,
(08:52):
and that's I just took notes,mental notes, you know, and
I just wanted tim So this isgood and it's fun because you know,
I don't think i'd know of JamieO'Brien if it wasn't for his vlog.
I'm a fan of his. He'sa cool dude. I've DMed with him
back and forth. I was actuallythinking about going to Turtle Bay for like
a fucking week. Yeah he has. He has a school learning how to
(09:13):
surf. It's my big fucking goal. But I can teach you how to
surf right here. I would.It's a three step fucking system. Sorry,
it's a three step system, dude. It's easy. For the record,
surfing is not easy. Also,poopies. You can totally say fuck
on this podcast. It's called theShittiest Podcast. I have no idea why
he apologized for cussing there. Ithink he forgets where he is and what
(09:35):
he's doing. Sometimes it's not easy. I'd say surf when I was a
kid. You gotta know how todo it. You gotta twist your hips.
You can't like try to step up. Twist your hips and automatically turns
your legs into that position. Andthen once you twist your hips, you're
on and stay low and I'll keepyou. It's like telling someone. It's
(09:56):
like telling someone how to learn anew language. So easy once you the
verbs, but you know, yeahthat is true, but you know it's
hard about it is like thinking ofall that right at that all those like
that little time. My hard partis on fat as still. Yeah,
that's where that's where you can't doa pop up. Like you're not doing
a pop up. You gotta dothe three step system where you take your
(10:18):
you go to your chest and youdo that, you arch your backup,
neck up, then you slide yourfeet up to your knees so your knees
are under your chest, and thenyou put your front foot whichever way you
are a regular goofy front foot forward. That's the hardest part. So you
gotta get it up that front footright and you're still hanging onto the rails
of the surfboard, right, andthen you don't let go of the rails
(10:41):
and then right then next step youjust twist your hips and it puts you
right up. What did you Howold do you start surfing? Oh?
I was like thirteen or like twelve, and then I just like loved it.
Yeah, we started surfing when wewere in what was it first time
you tried? Well, we did. I kind of surf when I was
(11:01):
like fourteen. When I was fourteen, nice grade, nice grade, but
but it was different than I wasskinnier and it was like it was New
Smyrna Beach. Oh you're on theEast coast, the ways are probably.
Kelly Slater was like our hero.Yeah, he's my age, and we
watched we'd watch him, like,I mean, not watch him surfing went.
I'd surfed at Cocoa Beach one time, but it was like the waves
(11:22):
were only shit. So you kindof it's like you never you never learn
how to sea. You can't reallyyou can't really get grasp at all when
it's like the oceans. Like,the last time I went surfing was in
college and it was the best.It was in Saint Augustine and it was
the best I'd ever surfed in mylife. I was probably like a sophomore
in college. And then I whenthen for Travel Channel, I went out
(11:43):
to go surfing again and I Ithe first time I paddled out was in
Puerto Rico and it was fucking massive, it was, and I was stuck
on the outside. Shut up.You couldn't get in because it's too yeah,
and I'm just sitting out there andI'm like, I'm thinking of myself.
I've wiped out before, right,but never in waves. You can't
(12:03):
panic. That's the thing. Youcan't panic when you start realizing that you
cannot panic. Yeah, and sowhat dude came out on a jet ski
saved you. Yeah, and Iwas like, I feel like, never
felt like more of a bitch.Yeah. Yeah, but but hey,
you're not a water man unless youget been rescued once for real though,
Yeah, for real, dude,I've been rescued a few times. Yeah,
(12:24):
well then you're a water You're water. You're probably the water manlove the
uh. But went out with JasonCollins, you know, rapper Jason.
Yeah. Yeah, when I wassurfing with him is I don't know,
I grew up. He's one ofmy idols. He's a badass dude and
he lives up. It's cool whenpeople live up. Do you want him
to be like I knew who hewas just from surfer magazines. Yeah,
(12:46):
they don't give a fuck. Yeah, and that's what I like. We
went out there. We go outfor this travel Channel show Cool, gets
us a bunch of long boards,uh West suits. We jump off the
rock end paddle at steamer Lane.Steamer Lane paddle in. That's his sick
jump. He puts me into away end of the zone and some fucking
(13:07):
dude shot and he's like, he'slike, what the fuck? Man,
get the fun And all of asudden he's like, he's cool. You
send. The guy goes, ohsorry, sorry man, sorry him and
have a great day. It wasit was bad. I'm still got to
give props to Jason and then meand him and his chick went out drinking
(13:28):
after that. I still have towork and I was like a party with
this guy. I don't think Ieven told him how much that I was.
Maybe I did, but I waslike he pushed me in a way,
but I kind of stood up.I kind of saw you got freaking
dude, he's got your back.What's huge? Rat boys in the lineup
calling guys off for you, callingcalling guys out for you, That's huge,
(13:48):
dude. I got the protection.I've had an opportunity to be with
some of the biggest watermen a lot. There was one. I talked about
him on another podcast if you cangoogle him. He broke his femur in
the Eddie Ekawa uh Big Wave tournamentlong time ago. He's descendant Jamie Jamie
(14:13):
Us, not Sterling, No,no, no, He's an Hawaiian.
He's a descendant. I think ofKing. Oh he's Hawaiian. He's a
Wiian right, Oh, he's ourduties, a badass. I mean who
you talk who? What's his name? I've talked about it on podcasts.
It's probably Rothman, my friend woulduncle Viets would? No, Yeah,
(14:35):
what's the question? No? No, there was no question. What's his
name? I'm sorry, I'm no, I don't know his name. But
I paddle boarded with him. Andthen there was I wonder who it is.
There was Buttons. You remember that, Oh fucking so Buttons by Buttons
used to come to Carl's Bay whereI grew up. So it's so weird
to have so much like history withall these legends there, and they're fucking
(15:00):
dude, I didn't like Buttons cameto the fucking the surf shop. I
like hung out at I did schooland go hang out of the surf shop
and sweep the floors and like fuckingdo a little work and shit being repair
and shit. But dude, hefucking showed up, Like what the fuck,
Uncle Buttons is here because he's tryingto start his brand, right,
yeah, his Buttons brand. Andhe came to the surf shop and tried
(15:20):
to like because the boys were fromOahu and they go come out here.
Was like just kind of set youup and connect you with the California scene,
you know. So Buttons came outand stayed at the surf shop that
I hung out at, at ourdub surf shop. Really yeah, when
I was a grom because he knewCorey Whitlock, oh wow, and Rusty
Whitlock. Yeah, they're like,um, good good people. The uh
he taught me how to paddleboard.Rest in Peace, Buttons led. I
(15:46):
have a Buttons shirt anniversary shirt,like a Rest in Pe shirt. Yeah,
but I got the story about datinga Buttons his daughter she lives,
Yeah, she lives in Carl's Bad. Really yeah, dude, how much
fun on our surf shops just likeany shop walking into a surf shop.
They're not the same now for real. Well, I don't know. I
(16:07):
was the only Yeah, so there'sno like groms hanging out anymore. Yeah,
it's all like everyone's about money now. Yeah. But back in the
day, dude, surf shops that'swhere we were half the time. Dude,
there was one. It was fuckingawesome. Charles Baldwin was the shaper.
I was like everyone had a CBboard. Yeah, yeah, that's
(16:29):
the local shaper. Yeah, andwe would local shops. We would go,
you'd go, we'd go in withthe way you go in there and
spend like two hours surf shop justbeing like just walking back and forth and
yeah, dude, it's the fuckand you just pretty much there's a couch
or there's outside area and that's whereyou hang out. Dude. Our surf
shop. This guy was so awesome, Corey Whitlock, our dubbed surfboards.
(16:51):
Dude. It was right there inthe village of Carl's Bad and it was
like just like run down, likeold, like I think it was like
an old like freaking retail shop,but it was old. There was like
fucking falling apart. So he madea surf shop somehow. He rented it
from this guy he said he's gonnamake a surf shop. Made this sack
of surf shop. We had likea mini ramp in the back and then
that was like our boxing arena too. If anyone had beef, we'd go
(17:12):
boxing gloves and fucking dude. Sothat's what we did. And we had
a bong like there's do you knowhow the mini ramp has that little deck
area, but we had a littlelittle little zone and we we'd cover that
up. We'd had a little bongarea like underneath the half pipe. Yeah,
and then we had that was likein the back and the back of
the surf shop. And then wehad these guys working here. So this
(17:32):
ship was classic. Like my friendcouldn't find any workers, like any good
employees at the time because it waskind of like ghetto, you know,
like he was trying to do it, but it was kind of getting.
It's hard to get. It's hardto get a young boy who's into surfing
or skating to commit to a schedule. Well, yeah, it's hard to
get like a huge, fucking nicelooking surf shop too, you know,
(17:53):
like this thing it didn't look likethe normal surf shop, but there's boards
out front. So every morning,this is the surf shop routine. Everyone.
You got to bring everything out front. That's the thing. Open up,
open up the front, and thenyou open up the back, and
then you open up the inside,and then shops open and hopefully you got
customers coming in looking around a lotof look arounds. But we had this
(18:15):
one guy who's like working construction,but he lived at the surf shop,
so the actually the workers lived atthe surf shop too. It's pretty naty.
So first time I ever saw drugsand shit, like oh yeah yeah,
there's like like like drug drugs werejust weed the drug drugs like cocaine
and hash like that. But likeanyways, um, so like we'd always
(18:36):
because of my friend hung out there. My friend Ricky Whitlock was Corey's younger
brother, and I went to schoolwith him and he was the sponsored surfer
by Hurley Nixon, so we alllooked up to him. And his brother
owned the surf shop, so we'dwe'd always hang out there. So,
um, we had this one guythough he lived there and worked there.
He's like a drunk too, sohe'd pass out on the couch and he's
supposed to be watching the shop.Oh dude, watching the shop. You
(18:59):
get stuck with watching shop. You'rebummed everyone's at the beach, you're watching
the shop. You're like fuck watchingthe shop. You're like, yeah,
i'll do, I'll watch the shop, but they're like fuck that, I'm
never watching the shop. So it'sold junk. Dude, you'd always watched
the shop and he passed on thecouch. Student Me and my boys would
fucking going right on his sharpie allover his face, fucking dicks and shit,
(19:22):
and then you know, customer wouldcome up, come in and be
like broad customer, brown customer,and you like wake up and you go
help the customer brot with all thisshit on his face. And then customer
like, oh, like look atus, and we're just laughing dude,
and they like straight up walk outof the surf shop. It was so
funny. But we're kind of likekind of a nuisance to the surf shop.
We weren't making the money. That'sfor danger, but we're we're there
(19:45):
for the you know, entertainment.They loved us. It's hard going into
a surf shop as like a olderdude. Then like I couldn't even like
like what do you want, oldman? No, yeah, like you
go in and then like they'll belike they'll be like I remember one time
I was I was carrying my skateboard. I no longer do this. I
was carrying my skateboard through an airportand so you guys, uh, your
(20:07):
son's gonna love it. And Iwent huh oh shut. He looked like
some divorced dad fucking bringing a skateboard. He just said that the funk with
you? Dude. No, Idon't look like a skateboard. Okay,
I don't look like He's like,no, who knows though? People are
weird, dude. He's like,yeah, my son skates too, You're
let's skate together. I called downwhen we were we were doing a TV
(20:29):
show. I just call a skateshop. I love skate shops, sturf
shops. I like like, Ilike sporting good stores anywhere an RII snowboarding,
Like any dude, get me toa Kia, I'll fucking be like,
oh dude, where's my banion?I gotta look at my cheese.
You know, dude, I canbuy the whole store. Fucking I was
gonna stop at r I on mywe're're heading to the Beast today. Yeah,
(20:52):
stopping ARII and just fucking dude,there's so much shit. But then
it's like where do you put it? That's another thing about having a bunch
of stuff, though, like wheredoes it go? It goes to the
beach house, that's where it goes. Yeah, we have we have have
probably three electric bikes. Now wehave four surfboards. No one, we
have four surfboards and the break infront of our Where where'd you get your
e bike? Trump? It's givento me from sponsors. Yeah, and
(21:15):
I got a sponsor. Yeah.Oh, I got the same one.
You got a bet epic? No? No, what do you got?
Wait? No, I do haveepic? Right? Seventy? What's the
seventy seven? Super seventy three?Three are sick? Super seventy three Electric?
And then my buddy Tom Sugara boughtme one for my birthday. Started
like this, fucking what's his one? Well, he got it, He
(21:37):
got it. Uh, he gotone, and then called me and was
like, dude, this thing goesfucking forty miles is no way? It's
sixty two? Yeah, yeah,it's huge. Like you gotta be an
adulter ride it. You can't.And so then he got it for me
for my birthday. And then Isaid to him, I'm gonna get you
something better for your birthday. That'sthe way. So we had this game
where we buy each other something moreexpensive every year. Oh no, you
(22:00):
guys are faking. That's good though, because the goal, it's a goal
to make more money out of there. No, no, no, no,
I spent one hundred thousand dollars onhis birthday. Shut up, what's
dude? What the race car?Shut the fuck race car? Dude,
he's so stoked. Oh no,he's not. He's got to buy me
my gift this year. I wantto fucking ranch house in Montana. Ranch
(22:23):
House. Step up the game,I know. Yeah, I want to
fucking ranch house in Montana. Yeah, like I want him to go.
I want. I think we saidwe're gonna tap out of a million dollars.
Yea million dollars. Because I lookedat it this way. I bought
the race car. I knew thatI could get a sponsorship, so we
make our money back with sponsors onthe race car. Yes, and then
(22:44):
I knew because I knew, LikeI bought him a jet Ski the year
before. I bought him at jetsSee, that's fucking legitrand goes like seventy
miles. That's fucking good friends.D you guys are boys. It's what
gay men do. Like, sogay men have the bill. No,
no, no, they have.They give each other's best, best gifts
because they're dudes, right, bloodjobs dudes like fucking blow jobs out of
(23:07):
the ass. That's all. Bythe way, my fantasy of what gay
life wants to be is not reading, not like just jobs. Yeah,
and then you want another one fuckit? Yeah, I mean, I
like, eat your salary. Butwe so we we we speculated that gay
(23:30):
men because their dudes got each othergreat gifts. And then gay men hit
us up like crazy, and they'relike, oh yeah, because because they're
first of all, I think theyhave no they have no dependence, right,
they have no children, they bothhave income. You're talking about two
dudes who have tons of money froma lot of things. Because people don't
understand their feelings, you know whatI mean. So maybe, but I'm
(23:55):
trying that. You're like, Ilove that, you go, it's try
to be nice about it. Somepeople don't understand their feelings. I don't
know. I'm trying to be niceabout it. But yeah. So so
these gay guys started hitting that's upand they're like, dude, it's stressful.
It's stressful every birthday because you gota one up the dude before you.
(24:15):
And so now me and Tom arein this gay relationship where we're like
having to out price point each otherand we have the exact same dick isn't
that crazy? We saw each other'sdicks. Yeah yeah, we were getting
them electrocuted by a dominatrix and uhoh fu yeah yeah. We were tethered
together shut and we had to putthe electrons on our dick at the same
(24:37):
time to do this. And Ilooked at each other's dicks. I go,
we're the same dick, and helooked at mind. He's like,
oh shit, identical dicks. Soft. I didn't see it. Twins Yeah,
yeah, you guys got twinsies,dude, that's epic. Then you
guys know your boys. So nowyou want a ranch house? I like,
I do get to a million quickso I can while I have some
money. Yeah yeah, I don'tlike. I don't want to. I
(25:00):
don't wanna have to fucking buy thesepresidents because then you tap out. Then
it's done. Get two million andwe're over. Yeah. Yeah, so
do it now? He upped it. I mean I spent fifteen round on
his birthday. He sent spent seventyfive online last year. Did I can't.
I can't wait till I can buymy friends gifts like that, dude,
you can buy your friends cool gifts, though, I do you know
you know when I travel and goldplaces, I always go to the gift
(25:21):
shop like local gifts shopping by ship. You make the money on this podcast
yet not yet. Oh, wegotta get you some. I got like
man escaped one second, Hold onesecond, let's second, man escaped and
then but they need to know,they need to know how much we love
their products. Have you used theproduct and your ears? Yeah, they're
fucking law. I was gonna shavetoday, but I said, I'm gonna
(25:44):
do it after don You're almost hairless, Dude, I used, Man,
I just do my nose last nightwith the weed whacker, and see what
I love that. I got abig nostrils. So I have to fucking
go all angles. Yeah. Thetechnique their lawnmower has an led like waterproof.
It's waterproof and I was surfing withit. Dude, I went,
so I did this edit for himbecause I used to be sponsored by him.
(26:06):
Yeah. Um, and then we'regetting we're sponsored by him still,
So they should sponsored the product andthey should I need a little raise maybe
I don't know, Oh shady raise. By the way, we're talking podcast
raises on my podcast. Uh No, So, like I used the waterproof
(26:29):
one for surfing. I did editand I was it was like Christmas time.
I was doing a Christmas like holidaygift at it. And I got
onto this uh big stand up paddleboard, put a launch chair on it and
a lawn chair, and I gotinto a Santa suit and I had the
Grams. The local Grams pushed meinto this wave and I fucking had the
box. I opened it up whileI'm on this wave and I started fucking
(26:52):
using the shaver and ship. Itwas so funny. Yeah, and then
I got I wrote it like allthe way to the beach and then fell
and it was It was a goodat it, but really it worked the
whole time until I stuck in thesand and then it goes. I was
like, yeah, I killed it, but yeah, and he's good dude.
Yeah, those those wee backers.I love Manscape. You know what's
(27:19):
funny is the first bit on Jackasswhere I show my penis I have the
biggest bush ever, dude. Yeah, and it made my wee wee look
small. That jack This that recentJackass, the four point five is that
things that's gnarly. Did you knowI just made a movie? I love
it. I just made a movieNo way, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(27:40):
is it? When's it coming out? I don't know whenever this Russia
Ukraine? Thinking really but uh uh, I watch when I watched Jack as
any Jackass, but the most recentone, I realized there's no way I
could ever make something that funny.It is so funny. It's funny.
(28:00):
I try to show my daughters,and you know the beginning with the people
dragons coming. They don't get it. They don't get it, and when
they realize it's a dick, theywalked out. Yes, they were like,
we don't want to look at Dick'sdad. And I was like,
oh, for real, well it'sChris. Yeah, what do you mean
it's most perfect dick in the world. God man, what if that's looking
(28:21):
great? Dude? It was sofreaking funny, dude, Like just like
after wardrobe seeing everyone show up onset, Like, dude, it's gotta
be cool for you because I know, I mean, I'm sure you're like
me that you were a fan ofthe show and the movies. So that's
how I got my nickname. Waslike, stop me. If you think
you've heard this one before, I'mkidding. I know you have, but
(28:41):
Bert hasn't so we have to leavethese stories in. That's kind of how
it works. But I'm sure afew of you ask Whole podcast geniuses will
still let us know about it inthe comments. I've had it fuck off
watching Jackass, and then like myfriends kind of apped me up, but
they're kind of joking. Yeah,and I like was serious about it.
So I took a ship in thestreet. I took a shit on a
pizza box. Win election, noway, Yeah I was. I used
(29:03):
to shit in public a lot.FU. Yeah, you gotta go and
shit in this fucking public weekend too. Yeah. But here's the difference when
we need a least though, whenthis is my I used to tell this
as a joke. If you're gonnatake a shit in public, take your
pants off all the way, becauseif you drop him to your knees and
you bend over to shit, youfollow when you also know you you cho
(29:26):
your turd goes in your pants.No no, no, no, no,
no, that happened. No,I've I never had that happen.
What happens is when you go numbertwo, you also go number one.
A lot of people forget that youpissed your short piss on your shorts.
Yeah, everyone's are gonna get inmy car with those pants. Yeah.
I used to bring a cup.He pissed these paints. Yeah, I
took a ship. You're not ifyou don't. If you don't piss your
(29:47):
pants, you're not cool. Whatwas that fucking Billy Madison? Oh like
the little kid fucking pieces pants andthen Chris or Billy um Yeah anyways,
but yeah, I was a bigpublic sery. So you got to pull
them all the way down. Iknow. Well here's when I yeah,
yeah, yeah, take them offall the way. I took a shot
(30:08):
on a peacebox win election when Iwas in college. And so the year
before I had given a speech naked, given a full speech naked, and
it was in my attorney and everyonewas like, the idea that I was
serious while doing it was what wasfunny? As I gave a sincere speech,
Yeah, so then we're serious aboutit. I was dead serious.
Yeah, And then I stood onstage with all the other guys running yeah
(30:30):
everyone, And you can't really youcan't really reject everyone supporting you, you
know what I mean. There's likeit's like overpopulated of votes for you.
Well, I can't really control thatI didn't win that year, and then
the next year. I hate school. Yeah, I'm not a fan either.
How is college? So I wantto have a big question, like
how is college? I'm telling youthis is this happening college. I was
(30:52):
the number one party animal in thein the country. Rolling Stone magazine wrote
an article that's how I know JohnnyKnoxville, Dude, So like, I
want to shake your hand because there'sprobably a lot of pussy on those hands,
dude. Not actually not. Iswear to god. I swear to
god. I was the party guy, not the fucking thing there is from
Today's my wife but there, Yeah, of course, But yes, I
(31:15):
never was a pussy guy. Inever got a lot of pussy. You
just went with the boy. Iwanted a party man. That's why I
think that you watched that shows becauseit's like pretty much us and the boys.
Well, so I did. SoI'll tell you why. I why
I'm in love with Jackass. Soin nineteen ninety seven, Rolling Stone magazine
writes an article article about me andcalls me the number one party animal in
(31:37):
the country. It's a huge,six and a half page articles. It's
a big deal, Stone option,huge bro ESPN does Live Changing, ESPN
does a commercial with me and thensend two actors in the tour bus down
to party with me at Florida State. One of them is a guy named
PJ. Clap. It's Johnny Knoxville. So I party with Johnny Knoxville.
(32:00):
We watched were sitting a tour bus. We watched I think we watched camp
Kill Yourself videos and and and hetells me about Jackass in the living in
my idea, his vision in thekitchen. He goes, I'm gonna get
shot in the chests with a gun. I'm gonna get like a like a
like a cross bud. I'm gonnaget you guys are fucking vibing hard.
You guys are getting deep. Wewere. I mean, I don't think
(32:21):
we're the same age. I thinkhe's a little older than me, but
we got along. You guys aresharing there's ideas and I was and he
was like, he was like,so what are you gonna do? So
I'm gonna go into I'm stand upand he was like yeah. He's like,
well, if you have you everyou know an out and LA hit
me up and I was like,cool, I get go to New York
starts stand up. I come outto LA, I get a TV show.
I'm sitting having my lunch in theaudience bleachers on my TV show and
(32:44):
the fucking Cameron and the Grip putbringing a disk and they're like, have
you guys seen this show Jackass?And I'm like, no, it is
it and they're like, uh,They're like day, So they put in
Jackass the first that first Sunday,I think on Sunday stuff. That Monday
morning they put it in and they'relike, uh, like check this out
and I and I remember Johnny saying, I don't know, man, like
(33:07):
the American flag, it's like Americana, you know, like those old country
stars Like I remember him saying somethinglike that. When I see that flag,
durn yeah. And then and thenI see Johnny and I go,
holy fuck. That's I go.I know this guy. This guy he
was he was at my my apartmentand he was at the top of the
stairs. He was like, Ican throw myself down a flight of stairs.
(33:28):
And we're like and he's dressed asa woman in full makeup and we're
like no way. And he's likehuh and goes down. I'll flight of
stairs. I mean it was likethe funnest night of partying I ever had
in Tallaha whatever. It was prettygood before he was no jackass. Yeah,
and then uh and then jackass comesout and I'm like, shut up.
Then I'm sitting at California Chicken Cafe. This is out what a solid
(33:50):
dude Knoxville is. I'm sitting inCalifornia Chicken Cafe on Melrose and he walks
in. I'm with my manager.He walks in and I just go Johnny.
He just turns. He goes BertGreiser, how are you doing?
Man? I was like, great, man, how you doing? He
was like good. You know,sometimes you have a memory and you're like
yeah, because it's so cool anduh and he was eating with all the
jackass dudes. Chris Pontius had ina in a piece of in a newspaper
(34:16):
and he was looking through the newspaper. I swear to God. And so
so I said to Stevo, like, uh, maybe a month ago.
Because you you never, like ifyou when you especially when you're comic,
you tell stories to make people entertained. Yeah, so sometimes you go did
that did that really happen? Youknow? You wonder and so I was
(34:37):
like, I wonder if I mean, I know, I party with him
and I know all that happened,but I go, I wonder if he
remembers me. And then I gota text He's like, Yo, it's
Knoxville totally congrats on your success orwhatever. Yeah, he's a solid.
He remembers a lot. Dude,he's saw that's so sick and so because
his vision. You guys were talkingabout your dreams and they all they happen,
(34:59):
and you guys are like, dude, look at us, dude,
we did it. That's fucking ifyou think that's pretty nice, that's like
some destiny universal ship. Bro.Plato, Socrates, Nietzsche. Our pass
crossed in nine past seven in Tallahassee. I mean, if I think about
that sometimes, where I go,how crazy, like you're you know that.
(35:23):
I don't think anyone would have lookedat either of us at that time
and said they'll be successful. Imean he's dressing us women. Yeah yeah,
no, no, people will lookat you and be like, yeah,
okay, that's like what happened tome. Yeah okay, yeah come
on babe, let's go like fuckyou, um people, people shut you
(35:44):
down, dude, and that's whatthe universe like. I don't know if
it's God or whatever, but there'ssomeone that sees that and like they like,
dude, it's karma, you knowwhat I mean? Like straight up
like there's someone that sees that andlike controls, Like what what will happen
in your life if you just takeit with a grain of salt and just
keep moving on and keep your positiveattitude because people are gonna see that that
(36:07):
you're happy. And people don't likethat because they're not happy. So when
they see that, they go theytry to shut the happiness down. My
wife's my wife's got a quote theyshe gave me one time. So it's
kind of weird because because you gottadodge all these fuckers bath Well, it's
about it's you know, if itgoes back to Jamie O'Brien, if you
there's a quote my wife gave meabout, uh, don't don't deny yourself
(36:30):
the opportunity to shine. Don't denyyourself the opportunity to like sparkle or whatever.
Yeah, people want to go yo, man, you're people. Yeah,
people love you. Yeah, butpeople want to see you. They
love you. You look at Jamieand when he started that vlog. I
bet there where guys going, whatthe fuck you doing? You bring your
camera out here? What do youcall the time? Yeah? And and
but trust me when I say hewas always sticking up for it. Yeah,
(36:51):
and and and and by the way, you ever say, kind of
revolutionize that whole fucking I mean theway surfing. I mean people now here's
always like I'm doing what I'm gonnado, and and I can film whatever.
And he's got great fucking energy.And then all of a sudden,
it's like like people that were shippingon him from like don't bring your camera
line but whatever they would say,they don't realize they just did because because
(37:12):
he's because he's Jamie. Yeah,he's you know what I mean. Because
he's he's he's got something going andpeople don't like that, and he's happy
and he's I mean, people arealways undeniable. Like anyone you talked to
said, he's the best of pipeline. That's undeniable. Fuck yeah, dude,
he'll come, dude, it's nary. There's a couple of guys,
but there's he's definitely under novel,you know what I mean. But he'll
say he'll say that like his favoritesJerry um um, Derek Coh, like
(37:37):
his favorites Derek co or like orlike Jerry you know Lopez, but yeah,
you never know. But dude,like he I remember like we were
filming and he was getting all thishate too, you know, and like
and then I kind of got discouragedand then no, no, no way,
but he was always there like,come on, poops, let's do
this too. There's a time inpodcasting when people will go, oh,
(38:00):
what, you got a podcast,and you'd be like, yeah, I
do, and they'd be like,everyone's got a fucking podcast. You're like,
yeah, I know, I know, I know. And now people
look at it now and everyone goes, how do I get a podcast?
You're like, yeah, yeah,I've been doing it for fucking with ten
years, nine years. Yeah yeah, I'm old school with my advertising and
i've and we make good money.And you go, yeah, I'm glad
(38:20):
I didn't listen to these people thatare like, don't make it. You
have a fucking podcast. Yeah Idid. I did a vlog for a
little bit, but it started itstarted cannibalizing. Those are the cool kids,
bro, Those are the cool kids. Cool kids, They tell you
what not to do. You justsit back and you go and you don't
listen to the cool kids. Donot listen to the I did. I
listened to the cool kids for awhile, and I was like, dude,
this is not what I should do. You can feel it, you
(38:43):
know. You go with your gut, you go to your instinct. You
know. I did a I dida tour and drive in movie theaters.
When during COVID, I came upwith an idea. I had an idea,
and I said, that's the problemis I always have an idea and
I go owt to do this,and then you put your agents and managers
on it and they're like, okay, we can do that, and then
you hear comics, great comics,great comics, shit on it. When
(39:06):
I said I'm gonna do driving movietheaters, uh negative negative, just negative,
Like dude, you stupid. That'swhen you can't say anything. You're
just like, I'm not gonna mentionit anymore. I'm just gonna do it.
Yeah. And I did it.Yeah, And then and then I
did it, and then I'm look, i'm bragging a little bit, but
I didn't everyone else. Everyone elsedid it. And then I won an
(39:27):
award for doing it, and itwas called Damn the Torpedoes. Damn the
Torpedo is a great quote about likeyou know, well I think it was
Winston Churchill said we gotta go getthose boys and like, what about the
torpedoes. He's like, fuck them, Like just fuck them, yeah,
because it's gonna stop you from gettingmore higher and higher. And what do
you you want to do? Thinkabout all the people in your life,
(39:50):
because then they it's all that shitcoming in your head, all these negative
like oh dude, what are youdoing that for? Like like when I
stuck this freaking Roman cantel in mybutth hole, I had a lot of
haters, dude, you know whatI mean. And I'm like, I'm
not gonna I'm not gonna even worryabout that because I know Stevo would fucking
say, I love it, poops, and that's all I care about.
Yeah, if the boys accept it, think about I don't get I don't
(40:13):
really care about all the other peoplethat don't like it because I'm there for
it's my body. It's you shoulddo a ted talk and and with the
same same that you're giving I getkind of like into that fuck the haters.
Man. When I put a Romancandle in my buttle, I was
like, there were people like youshouldn't do that. Yeah, And I
was like, hey, man,bye, I knew it was gonna work
(40:36):
out. I knew there's gonna beI was gonna come unarmed. It was
funny. I had my other friendhave another one in his butthole. We
had a Roman candle war. Itwas like the two hundred fifty shot ones.
Because I was laid in my bed. This is how it came out.
I was laying in my bed andthis is it. It's fun sucking
(41:00):
funny dude. So yeah, Iwas laying in my bad. I just
I just I was just like relaxing, you know, like thinking about like
what I'm gonna do with these Romancandles. Wait. Yeah, I bought
him from Long Beach like a weekago for the for for for this exact
Yeah. So I went to LongBeach, met this like legal like guy
(41:22):
who's selling fireworks out of his carout of the trunk of his car.
I went to like this Narli Gate. I went this is like Narli Gangster's
house to meet up with him.My book via brought me, uh so
I got the fireworks from Long Beachor like three fucking Roman candles are big,
(41:42):
They're like this thick, but Ican get that. Yeah no,
but at the end, yeah yeah, yeah no, these shot can keep
going on all right. That waspart one of Bert's episode. He was
(42:05):
gracious enough to stay in the studiofor way longer than an hour, so
be sure to check out the restof his episode next week. In the
meantime, stay Absolutely Shitty The Shittiestpodcast is produced by the World's Worst People,
Tyler Nielsen, Bryan Tillotson, FrankRiscoll and narrated by Me the Narrator.
Special thanks to the straw Hut team
Shit. Fuck, you've never donethis before. This is new. I'd
like to suck our old yet,Oh Harry, have me that? Oh
yeah, surprised to surprise? Doyou tighten me up? I kind of
just kept fell into this seat.Uh yeah, I don't know. I
(00:22):
like it kind of. H Ichanged up my seats on my podcast.
Start rolling. We're rolling right now. Nice ah, Hello there, and
welcome back to the Shittiest Podcast withBoopies. We have a big guest today,
literally, Bert Kreischer is a bigman, and he's big within his
industry. He's also a big drinker. It's hard to see it, but
(00:44):
he actually brought a guy with himwho's making him and Whoopies drinks throughout the
recording. If you're familiar with Burtat all, you know that this is
pretty consistent with the persona he givesoff on this various podcast appearances. Let
me assure you it's authentic. Hoopiesis getting better right interviewing, I think,
But as always, I'd like toapologize for the continuous interruptions of his
guest, as well as the repeatedstories Boopies tells about himself. But it
(01:08):
seems like alcohol kind of adds fuelfor that fire, and as I mentioned,
for it, basically brought Barb withhim. Do your best to enjoy
this especially shitty episode. Hey,you're not a waterman unless you get been
rescued once for real, though,put your hands together. Like when I
(01:30):
stuck this freaking Roman cattle in mybet hole, I had a lot of
haters. Dude, the shittiest podcastin the world, dude. Yeah,
I switched up on my podcast.I'll move seats. I just moved my
whole podcast set up to a desk. I did, as you know,
I did, Yeah, because youcould have all your stuff on it.
Yeah, and I like to haveknick knacks, and it's so funny.
(01:53):
I enjoy doing There you go,Tito's for you. This is how it
works. If you ever do apodcast you want cocktails, always bring your
own, and always bring ice.No one ever has ice. And I
kind of was like, I bethe doesn't have cups either. Bro,
he kind of you killed it forsure. I was baffled. I was
like, dude, this guy's gotice, cups, fucking got his own
little bartenders. So let's start withI'm a fucking fan of yours. Before
(02:15):
before jackass dude. That's huge,dude. That is huge, dude.
Like when people say that, like, I fucking like go. I appreciate
that, like because that's when Iwas doing all my gnarly ship dude,
like fucking sixty foot waves. I'mout there. I don't I'm not a
big wave surfer. Yeah, likeit was freaking I was. I went
through the gauntlet, dude, Iwas. I remember, I think I
(02:37):
found you through Jamie O'Brien. Yeah, he's the boy, dude. I
don't even get me started on JamieO'Brien. Jamie O'Brien introduced me to this
whole group of surfers in Hawaii thatnow I follow because they're like Nathan Florence.
I love that fucking kid. Heis such good fucking energy. Oh
dude, he has such funny Meand me and Nathan really got got a
(03:00):
long like because he was always overat Jamie's and I was like kind of
scared, like not scared, justlike I wonder how they're gonna treat me,
you know. Yeah, And dude, Nathan was the nicest kid to
me ever. He's a dude.I have all my podcast back when we
were doing zooms over what you wannacall it. But I love his I
love his vlog or you know,yeah, yeah he started the vlog because
all those kids were kind of liketoo cool to start vlogs. Yeah yeah,
(03:23):
you know what I mean, Well, it's it's okay, and it's
like others, dude, like it'sa freaking it's fun to do and you're
gonna make a lot of money ifyou are successful. It's and it was,
it's cool. Here's the thing thatI think it's it's hard. Like
when you look at like someone likei'll use Kelly Sladers. I know he's
a little bit of a like alegend, right, like he's the legend,
he's number one. I understand KellySlater not starting a vlog. I
(03:44):
get it, right, I understand. I get it's like he's Kelly Slatter.
There needs to be an aura.I kind of understand John John Florence
not starting a vlog. I kindof legend. But I'll tell you what,
when he did that fucking sailing tripwith on the Velvet or whatever it's
called, it was so fucking funto watch. And then part of me
goes, okay, because you gotNathan, you got the whole pack there.
Yeah, and it was like,dude, I myself, I said
(04:06):
to myself, I want to sailfrom LA to Hawaii because of that video.
Because of that fucking video. Butthen what's cool. It's like,
so then it takes survival too.Yeah. Yo, dude, you're like
surviving and like trying to like makeit fun, but at the same time,
you know you could like die atany minute. It's the moment I
was telling pretty funny. I gotlost. I got lost in the woods
(04:27):
one time in Wisconsin with eleven people, right, but we're eleven people and
it was fun to watch the groupslow person by person realized they were lost.
Right. I was the first onethat when you realize, Yeah,
I was the first one that realizedthat we were lost. We got dropped
off in a helicopter and the helicopterwas waiting to take us out, right,
(04:48):
we had cars. The cars metup with the helicopter were the Millino
where we go to this. Wego to this, uh, this it's
waterfall is for TV. And wetell to his chick and she's on Mike
and we hear say, don't dothat shot the fuck Some of the worst
(05:11):
in my life. We used toproduction guy. No, no, no,
it was the fucking talent. No. Oh my god, did talents
got married? They're like, yeah, we're gonna get married over here.
They I had working bro, Ihave one. Uh. I used to
do this thing on on stage whereif someone wanted to get engaged, I'd
(05:31):
be like, on stage, I'dlet it, I'd do it. I
was. I always think comedy shouldbe fun. I don't think you should
be too precious. So what Ido is I bring the guy and girl
on stage. I'd say we're gonnaplay a game. Let's do a shot.
We do a shot. I saywe're gonna play a game. I'm
gonna blindfold you the girl, andyou're I perform shirtless. And so you're,
uh, we're both gonna hear he'sgonna take your shirt off. You're
gonna feel both our chests and tellme which one is your man. That's
(05:55):
how we know how good you guysare. No way, So then what
she do is she put on ablindfold, He take off his shirt and
then he dropped to his knee.We take off the blindfold. He'd be
on his knee with the ring.It was fucking great, right, So
one day We're in Columbus at theFunny Bone and Dave's troop says, hey,
I got a proposal. I said, no problem, I'll do it.
Yeah yeah, I just just rightpardon on stage. Let me know
(06:16):
who it is. Led. Sohe's like, he's like, okay,
I'll tell them. So he goesover right before him about to go on
stage. He goes, it's thepeople in the front row. They're expecting
it. He goes, here's theproblem though. The woman's proposing to the
guy, and I went huh andthey're like, shirt now I'm on stage.
Holy face, this wedding. I'mliterally trying to how do I How
(06:40):
do I say? So? Likeat the end, I'm like, hey,
why don't you guys come up intohis stage bring him on stage?
And it's the girl and he's likehe's like yeah yeah. And now I'm
thinking, okay, what do Iblind How do I blindfold him? Your
shirt off? It's so bad she'sgonna propose him. So I go,
all right, I hope he didit. I said, we're gonna blindfold
you and we're both gonna whisper inyour ear and you gotta say no way
(07:04):
whisper on so I blindfold him.The girl goes and takes a knee,
and the audience goes, oh,right, and he's like, what's going
on, what's going on? Andit was like, no fucking way,
Oh God, take the blindfold offhim. And he looks at that looks
at me, and he goes,you're a fucking dick, and I went
(07:24):
I'm sorry. And the girl's like, will you marry me? And he
goes, fine, no way,fine, fine, he was over it
fine, and then they she putsa ring on him, and everyone in
the audience like, oh man,everyone, I mean we're talking about oh
my god. He sits down.She was horrific. Fuck. The poor
(07:47):
guy just sat the rest of myshow. He's like, she's wrap it
up. I only get home.It's fucking rough. I don't know.
We get lost in the woods.Yeah, yeah, I love it though.
I love it, dude. That'sfucking classic. Yeah, we got
lost in the woods, and anduh, it's why people realized they were
lost. Yeah, the wedding.Then you did the wedding, and then
yeah, the talent, that guy, that guy. Man, those travel
(08:09):
channel show stories were so much fun. My point of saying all this was
I found you through Jamie O'Brien,and I became a fan of yours because
I liked the there was a verylike realness to your videos. There was
like a you didn't look hungry,you didn't look like you were trying to
be famous. You looked like youwere doing what you liked. Yeah,
just stut and teach him how tosurf or something. Yeah. Well,
(08:31):
I was just trying to make avlog. You know. There's like there's
a little like it's like an essay. You know. You have your intro,
you have your like your intro ofintro, and then you have your
what you're doing, and then yougo do it, and then in the
middle of doing it, you youexplain how it is and then you go
from there. It's like a wholestoryline. But that's what I was trying
to do and like trying to figureit out because I saw Jamie doing it,
(08:52):
and that's I just took notes,mental notes, you know, and
I just wanted tim So this isgood and it's fun because you know,
I don't think i'd know of JamieO'Brien if it wasn't for his vlog.
I'm a fan of his. He'sa cool dude. I've DMed with him
back and forth. I was actuallythinking about going to Turtle Bay for like
a fucking week. Yeah he has. He has a school learning how to
(09:13):
surf. It's my big fucking goal. But I can teach you how to
surf right here. I would.It's a three step fucking system. Sorry,
it's a three step system, dude. It's easy. For the record,
surfing is not easy. Also,poopies. You can totally say fuck
on this podcast. It's called theShittiest Podcast. I have no idea why
he apologized for cussing there. Ithink he forgets where he is and what
(09:35):
he's doing. Sometimes it's not easy. I'd say surf when I was a
kid. You gotta know how todo it. You gotta twist your hips.
You can't like try to step up. Twist your hips and automatically turns
your legs into that position. Andthen once you twist your hips, you're
on and stay low and I'll keepyou. It's like telling someone. It's
(09:56):
like telling someone how to learn anew language. So easy once you the
verbs, but you know, yeahthat is true, but you know it's
hard about it is like thinking ofall that right at that all those like
that little time. My hard partis on fat as still. Yeah,
that's where that's where you can't doa pop up. Like you're not doing
a pop up. You gotta dothe three step system where you take your
(10:18):
you go to your chest and youdo that, you arch your backup,
neck up, then you slide yourfeet up to your knees so your knees
are under your chest, and thenyou put your front foot whichever way you
are a regular goofy front foot forward. That's the hardest part. So you
gotta get it up that front footright and you're still hanging onto the rails
of the surfboard, right, andthen you don't let go of the rails
(10:41):
and then right then next step youjust twist your hips and it puts you
right up. What did you Howold do you start surfing? Oh?
I was like thirteen or like twelve, and then I just like loved it.
Yeah, we started surfing when wewere in what was it first time
you tried? Well, we did. I kind of surf when I was
(11:01):
like fourteen. When I was fourteen, nice grade, nice grade, but
but it was different than I wasskinnier and it was like it was New
Smyrna Beach. Oh you're on theEast coast, the ways are probably.
Kelly Slater was like our hero.Yeah, he's my age, and we
watched we'd watch him, like,I mean, not watch him surfing went.
I'd surfed at Cocoa Beach one time, but it was like the waves
(11:22):
were only shit. So you kindof it's like you never you never learn
how to sea. You can't reallyyou can't really get grasp at all when
it's like the oceans. Like,the last time I went surfing was in
college and it was the best.It was in Saint Augustine and it was
the best I'd ever surfed in mylife. I was probably like a sophomore
in college. And then I whenthen for Travel Channel, I went out
(11:43):
to go surfing again and I Ithe first time I paddled out was in
Puerto Rico and it was fucking massive, it was, and I was stuck
on the outside. Shut up.You couldn't get in because it's too yeah,
and I'm just sitting out there andI'm like, I'm thinking of myself.
I've wiped out before, right,but never in waves. You can't
(12:03):
panic. That's the thing. Youcan't panic when you start realizing that you
cannot panic. Yeah, and sowhat dude came out on a jet ski
saved you. Yeah, and Iwas like, I feel like, never
felt like more of a bitch.Yeah. Yeah, but but hey,
you're not a water man unless youget been rescued once for real though,
Yeah, for real, dude,I've been rescued a few times. Yeah,
(12:24):
well then you're a water You're water. You're probably the water manlove the
uh. But went out with JasonCollins, you know, rapper Jason.
Yeah. Yeah, when I wassurfing with him is I don't know,
I grew up. He's one ofmy idols. He's a badass dude and
he lives up. It's cool whenpeople live up. Do you want him
to be like I knew who hewas just from surfer magazines. Yeah,
(12:46):
they don't give a fuck. Yeah, and that's what I like. We
went out there. We go outfor this travel Channel show Cool, gets
us a bunch of long boards,uh West suits. We jump off the
rock end paddle at steamer Lane.Steamer Lane paddle in. That's his sick
jump. He puts me into away end of the zone and some fucking
(13:07):
dude shot and he's like, he'slike, what the fuck? Man,
get the fun And all of asudden he's like, he's cool. You
send. The guy goes, ohsorry, sorry man, sorry him and
have a great day. It wasit was bad. I'm still got to
give props to Jason and then meand him and his chick went out drinking
(13:28):
after that. I still have towork and I was like a party with
this guy. I don't think Ieven told him how much that I was.
Maybe I did, but I waslike he pushed me in a way,
but I kind of stood up.I kind of saw you got freaking
dude, he's got your back.What's huge? Rat boys in the lineup
calling guys off for you, callingcalling guys out for you, That's huge,
(13:48):
dude. I got the protection.I've had an opportunity to be with
some of the biggest watermen a lot. There was one. I talked about
him on another podcast if you cangoogle him. He broke his femur in
the Eddie Ekawa uh Big Wave tournamentlong time ago. He's descendant Jamie Jamie
(14:13):
Us, not Sterling, No,no, no, He's an Hawaiian.
He's a descendant. I think ofKing. Oh he's Hawaiian. He's a
Wiian right, Oh, he's ourduties, a badass. I mean who
you talk who? What's his name? I've talked about it on podcasts.
It's probably Rothman, my friend woulduncle Viets would? No, Yeah,
(14:35):
what's the question? No? No, there was no question. What's his
name? I'm sorry, I'm no, I don't know his name. But
I paddle boarded with him. Andthen there was I wonder who it is.
There was Buttons. You remember that, Oh fucking so Buttons by Buttons
used to come to Carl's Bay whereI grew up. So it's so weird
to have so much like history withall these legends there, and they're fucking
(15:00):
dude, I didn't like Buttons cameto the fucking the surf shop. I
like hung out at I did schooland go hang out of the surf shop
and sweep the floors and like fuckingdo a little work and shit being repair
and shit. But dude, hefucking showed up, Like what the fuck,
Uncle Buttons is here because he's tryingto start his brand, right,
yeah, his Buttons brand. Andhe came to the surf shop and tried
(15:20):
to like because the boys were fromOahu and they go come out here.
Was like just kind of set youup and connect you with the California scene,
you know. So Buttons came outand stayed at the surf shop that
I hung out at, at ourdub surf shop. Really yeah, when
I was a grom because he knewCorey Whitlock, oh wow, and Rusty
Whitlock. Yeah, they're like,um, good good people. The uh
he taught me how to paddleboard.Rest in Peace, Buttons led. I
(15:46):
have a Buttons shirt anniversary shirt,like a Rest in Pe shirt. Yeah,
but I got the story about datinga Buttons his daughter she lives,
Yeah, she lives in Carl's Bad. Really yeah, dude, how much
fun on our surf shops just likeany shop walking into a surf shop.
They're not the same now for real. Well, I don't know. I
(16:07):
was the only Yeah, so there'sno like groms hanging out anymore. Yeah,
it's all like everyone's about money now. Yeah. But back in the
day, dude, surf shops that'swhere we were half the time. Dude,
there was one. It was fuckingawesome. Charles Baldwin was the shaper.
I was like everyone had a CBboard. Yeah, yeah, that's
(16:29):
the local shaper. Yeah, andwe would local shops. We would go,
you'd go, we'd go in withthe way you go in there and
spend like two hours surf shop justbeing like just walking back and forth and
yeah, dude, it's the fuckand you just pretty much there's a couch
or there's outside area and that's whereyou hang out. Dude. Our surf
shop. This guy was so awesome, Corey Whitlock, our dubbed surfboards.
(16:51):
Dude. It was right there inthe village of Carl's Bad and it was
like just like run down, likeold, like I think it was like
an old like freaking retail shop,but it was old. There was like
fucking falling apart. So he madea surf shop somehow. He rented it
from this guy he said he's gonnamake a surf shop. Made this sack
of surf shop. We had likea mini ramp in the back and then
that was like our boxing arena too. If anyone had beef, we'd go
(17:12):
boxing gloves and fucking dude. Sothat's what we did. And we had
a bong like there's do you knowhow the mini ramp has that little deck
area, but we had a littlelittle little zone and we we'd cover that
up. We'd had a little bongarea like underneath the half pipe. Yeah,
and then we had that was likein the back and the back of
the surf shop. And then wehad these guys working here. So this
(17:32):
ship was classic. Like my friendcouldn't find any workers, like any good
employees at the time because it waskind of like ghetto, you know,
like he was trying to do it, but it was kind of getting.
It's hard to get. It's hardto get a young boy who's into surfing
or skating to commit to a schedule. Well, yeah, it's hard to
get like a huge, fucking nicelooking surf shop too, you know,
(17:53):
like this thing it didn't look likethe normal surf shop, but there's boards
out front. So every morning,this is the surf shop routine. Everyone.
You got to bring everything out front. That's the thing. Open up,
open up the front, and thenyou open up the back, and
then you open up the inside,and then shops open and hopefully you got
customers coming in looking around a lotof look arounds. But we had this
(18:15):
one guy who's like working construction,but he lived at the surf shop,
so the actually the workers lived atthe surf shop too. It's pretty naty.
So first time I ever saw drugsand shit, like oh yeah yeah,
there's like like like drug drugs werejust weed the drug drugs like cocaine
and hash like that. But likeanyways, um, so like we'd always
(18:36):
because of my friend hung out there. My friend Ricky Whitlock was Corey's younger
brother, and I went to schoolwith him and he was the sponsored surfer
by Hurley Nixon, so we alllooked up to him. And his brother
owned the surf shop, so we'dwe'd always hang out there. So,
um, we had this one guythough he lived there and worked there.
He's like a drunk too, sohe'd pass out on the couch and he's
supposed to be watching the shop.Oh dude, watching the shop. You
(18:59):
get stuck with watching shop. You'rebummed everyone's at the beach, you're watching
the shop. You're like fuck watchingthe shop. You're like, yeah,
i'll do, I'll watch the shop, but they're like fuck that, I'm
never watching the shop. So it'sold junk. Dude, you'd always watched
the shop and he passed on thecouch. Student Me and my boys would
fucking going right on his sharpie allover his face, fucking dicks and shit,
(19:22):
and then you know, customer wouldcome up, come in and be
like broad customer, brown customer,and you like wake up and you go
help the customer brot with all thisshit on his face. And then customer
like, oh, like look atus, and we're just laughing dude,
and they like straight up walk outof the surf shop. It was so
funny. But we're kind of likekind of a nuisance to the surf shop.
We weren't making the money. That'sfor danger, but we're we're there
(19:45):
for the you know, entertainment.They loved us. It's hard going into
a surf shop as like a olderdude. Then like I couldn't even like
like what do you want, oldman? No, yeah, like you
go in and then like they'll belike they'll be like I remember one time
I was I was carrying my skateboard. I no longer do this. I
was carrying my skateboard through an airportand so you guys, uh, your
(20:07):
son's gonna love it. And Iwent huh oh shut. He looked like
some divorced dad fucking bringing a skateboard. He just said that the funk with
you? Dude. No, Idon't look like a skateboard. Okay,
I don't look like He's like,no, who knows though? People are
weird, dude. He's like,yeah, my son skates too, You're
let's skate together. I called downwhen we were we were doing a TV
(20:29):
show. I just call a skateshop. I love skate shops, sturf
shops. I like like, Ilike sporting good stores anywhere an RII snowboarding,
Like any dude, get me toa Kia, I'll fucking be like,
oh dude, where's my banion?I gotta look at my cheese.
You know, dude, I canbuy the whole store. Fucking I was
gonna stop at r I on mywe're're heading to the Beast today. Yeah,
(20:52):
stopping ARII and just fucking dude,there's so much shit. But then
it's like where do you put it? That's another thing about having a bunch
of stuff, though, like wheredoes it go? It goes to the
beach house, that's where it goes. Yeah, we have we have have
probably three electric bikes. Now wehave four surfboards. No one, we
have four surfboards and the break infront of our Where where'd you get your
e bike? Trump? It's givento me from sponsors. Yeah, and
(21:15):
I got a sponsor. Yeah.Oh, I got the same one.
You got a bet epic? No? No, what do you got?
Wait? No, I do haveepic? Right? Seventy? What's the
seventy seven? Super seventy three?Three are sick? Super seventy three Electric?
And then my buddy Tom Sugara boughtme one for my birthday. Started
like this, fucking what's his one? Well, he got it, He
(21:37):
got it. Uh, he gotone, and then called me and was
like, dude, this thing goesfucking forty miles is no way? It's
sixty two? Yeah, yeah,it's huge. Like you gotta be an
adulter ride it. You can't.And so then he got it for me
for my birthday. And then Isaid to him, I'm gonna get you
something better for your birthday. That'sthe way. So we had this game
where we buy each other something moreexpensive every year. Oh no, you
(22:00):
guys are faking. That's good though, because the goal, it's a goal
to make more money out of there. No, no, no, no,
I spent one hundred thousand dollars onhis birthday. Shut up, what's
dude? What the race car?Shut the fuck race car? Dude,
he's so stoked. Oh no,he's not. He's got to buy me
my gift this year. I wantto fucking ranch house in Montana. Ranch
(22:23):
House. Step up the game,I know. Yeah, I want to
fucking ranch house in Montana. Yeah, like I want him to go.
I want. I think we saidwe're gonna tap out of a million dollars.
Yea million dollars. Because I lookedat it this way. I bought
the race car. I knew thatI could get a sponsorship, so we
make our money back with sponsors onthe race car. Yes, and then
(22:44):
I knew because I knew, LikeI bought him a jet Ski the year
before. I bought him at jetsSee, that's fucking legitrand goes like seventy
miles. That's fucking good friends.D you guys are boys. It's what
gay men do. Like, sogay men have the bill. No,
no, no, they have.They give each other's best, best gifts
because they're dudes, right, bloodjobs dudes like fucking blow jobs out of
(23:07):
the ass. That's all. Bythe way, my fantasy of what gay
life wants to be is not reading, not like just jobs. Yeah,
and then you want another one fuckit? Yeah, I mean, I
like, eat your salary. Butwe so we we we speculated that gay
(23:30):
men because their dudes got each othergreat gifts. And then gay men hit
us up like crazy, and they'relike, oh yeah, because because they're
first of all, I think theyhave no they have no dependence, right,
they have no children, they bothhave income. You're talking about two
dudes who have tons of money froma lot of things. Because people don't
understand their feelings, you know whatI mean. So maybe, but I'm
(23:55):
trying that. You're like, Ilove that, you go, it's try
to be nice about it. Somepeople don't understand their feelings. I don't
know. I'm trying to be niceabout it. But yeah. So so
these gay guys started hitting that's upand they're like, dude, it's stressful.
It's stressful every birthday because you gota one up the dude before you.
(24:15):
And so now me and Tom arein this gay relationship where we're like
having to out price point each otherand we have the exact same dick isn't
that crazy? We saw each other'sdicks. Yeah yeah, we were getting
them electrocuted by a dominatrix and uhoh fu yeah yeah. We were tethered
together shut and we had to putthe electrons on our dick at the same
(24:37):
time to do this. And Ilooked at each other's dicks. I go,
we're the same dick, and helooked at mind. He's like,
oh shit, identical dicks. Soft. I didn't see it. Twins Yeah,
yeah, you guys got twinsies,dude, that's epic. Then you
guys know your boys. So nowyou want a ranch house? I like,
I do get to a million quickso I can while I have some
money. Yeah yeah, I don'tlike. I don't want to. I
(25:00):
don't wanna have to fucking buy thesepresidents because then you tap out. Then
it's done. Get two million andwe're over. Yeah. Yeah, so
do it now? He upped it. I mean I spent fifteen round on
his birthday. He sent spent seventyfive online last year. Did I can't.
I can't wait till I can buymy friends gifts like that, dude,
you can buy your friends cool gifts, though, I do you know
you know when I travel and goldplaces, I always go to the gift
(25:21):
shop like local gifts shopping by ship. You make the money on this podcast
yet not yet. Oh, wegotta get you some. I got like
man escaped one second, Hold onesecond, let's second, man escaped and
then but they need to know,they need to know how much we love
their products. Have you used theproduct and your ears? Yeah, they're
fucking law. I was gonna shavetoday, but I said, I'm gonna
(25:44):
do it after don You're almost hairless, Dude, I used, Man,
I just do my nose last nightwith the weed whacker, and see what
I love that. I got abig nostrils. So I have to fucking
go all angles. Yeah. Thetechnique their lawnmower has an led like waterproof.
It's waterproof and I was surfing withit. Dude, I went,
so I did this edit for himbecause I used to be sponsored by him.
(26:06):
Yeah. Um, and then we'regetting we're sponsored by him still,
So they should sponsored the product andthey should I need a little raise maybe
I don't know, Oh shady raise. By the way, we're talking podcast
raises on my podcast. Uh No, So, like I used the waterproof
(26:29):
one for surfing. I did editand I was it was like Christmas time.
I was doing a Christmas like holidaygift at it. And I got
onto this uh big stand up paddleboard, put a launch chair on it and
a lawn chair, and I gotinto a Santa suit and I had the
Grams. The local Grams pushed meinto this wave and I fucking had the
box. I opened it up whileI'm on this wave and I started fucking
(26:52):
using the shaver and ship. Itwas so funny. Yeah, and then
I got I wrote it like allthe way to the beach and then fell
and it was It was a goodat it, but really it worked the
whole time until I stuck in thesand and then it goes. I was
like, yeah, I killed it, but yeah, and he's good dude.
Yeah, those those wee backers.I love Manscape. You know what's
(27:19):
funny is the first bit on Jackasswhere I show my penis I have the
biggest bush ever, dude. Yeah, and it made my wee wee look
small. That jack This that recentJackass, the four point five is that
things that's gnarly. Did you knowI just made a movie? I love
it. I just made a movieNo way, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
(27:40):
is it? When's it coming out? I don't know whenever this Russia
Ukraine? Thinking really but uh uh, I watch when I watched Jack as
any Jackass, but the most recentone, I realized there's no way I
could ever make something that funny.It is so funny. It's funny.
(28:00):
I try to show my daughters,and you know the beginning with the people
dragons coming. They don't get it. They don't get it, and when
they realize it's a dick, theywalked out. Yes, they were like,
we don't want to look at Dick'sdad. And I was like,
oh, for real, well it'sChris. Yeah, what do you mean
it's most perfect dick in the world. God man, what if that's looking
(28:21):
great? Dude? It was sofreaking funny, dude, Like just like
after wardrobe seeing everyone show up onset, Like, dude, it's gotta
be cool for you because I know, I mean, I'm sure you're like
me that you were a fan ofthe show and the movies. So that's
how I got my nickname. Waslike, stop me. If you think
you've heard this one before, I'mkidding. I know you have, but
(28:41):
Bert hasn't so we have to leavethese stories in. That's kind of how
it works. But I'm sure afew of you ask Whole podcast geniuses will
still let us know about it inthe comments. I've had it fuck off
watching Jackass, and then like myfriends kind of apped me up, but
they're kind of joking. Yeah,and I like was serious about it.
So I took a ship in thestreet. I took a shit on a
pizza box. Win election, noway, Yeah I was. I used
(29:03):
to shit in public a lot.FU. Yeah, you gotta go and
shit in this fucking public weekend too. Yeah. But here's the difference when
we need a least though, whenthis is my I used to tell this
as a joke. If you're gonnatake a shit in public, take your
pants off all the way, becauseif you drop him to your knees and
you bend over to shit, youfollow when you also know you you cho
(29:26):
your turd goes in your pants.No no, no, no, no,
no, that happened. No,I've I never had that happen.
What happens is when you go numbertwo, you also go number one.
A lot of people forget that youpissed your short piss on your shorts.
Yeah, everyone's are gonna get inmy car with those pants. Yeah.
I used to bring a cup.He pissed these paints. Yeah, I
took a ship. You're not ifyou don't. If you don't piss your
(29:47):
pants, you're not cool. Whatwas that fucking Billy Madison? Oh like
the little kid fucking pieces pants andthen Chris or Billy um Yeah anyways,
but yeah, I was a bigpublic sery. So you got to pull
them all the way down. Iknow. Well here's when I yeah,
yeah, yeah, take them offall the way. I took a shot
(30:08):
on a peacebox win election when Iwas in college. And so the year
before I had given a speech naked, given a full speech naked, and
it was in my attorney and everyonewas like, the idea that I was
serious while doing it was what wasfunny? As I gave a sincere speech,
Yeah, so then we're serious aboutit. I was dead serious.
Yeah, And then I stood onstage with all the other guys running yeah
(30:30):
everyone, And you can't really youcan't really reject everyone supporting you, you
know what I mean. There's likeit's like overpopulated of votes for you.
Well, I can't really control thatI didn't win that year, and then
the next year. I hate school. Yeah, I'm not a fan either.
How is college? So I wantto have a big question, like
how is college? I'm telling youthis is this happening college. I was
(30:52):
the number one party animal in thein the country. Rolling Stone magazine wrote
an article that's how I know JohnnyKnoxville, Dude, So like, I
want to shake your hand because there'sprobably a lot of pussy on those hands,
dude. Not actually not. Iswear to god. I swear to
god. I was the party guy, not the fucking thing there is from
Today's my wife but there, Yeah, of course, But yes, I
(31:15):
never was a pussy guy. Inever got a lot of pussy. You
just went with the boy. Iwanted a party man. That's why I
think that you watched that shows becauseit's like pretty much us and the boys.
Well, so I did. SoI'll tell you why. I why
I'm in love with Jackass. Soin nineteen ninety seven, Rolling Stone magazine
writes an article article about me andcalls me the number one party animal in
(31:37):
the country. It's a huge,six and a half page articles. It's
a big deal, Stone option,huge bro ESPN does Live Changing, ESPN
does a commercial with me and thensend two actors in the tour bus down
to party with me at Florida State. One of them is a guy named
PJ. Clap. It's Johnny Knoxville. So I party with Johnny Knoxville.
(32:00):
We watched were sitting a tour bus. We watched I think we watched camp
Kill Yourself videos and and and hetells me about Jackass in the living in
my idea, his vision in thekitchen. He goes, I'm gonna get
shot in the chests with a gun. I'm gonna get like a like a
like a cross bud. I'm gonnaget you guys are fucking vibing hard.
You guys are getting deep. Wewere. I mean, I don't think
(32:21):
we're the same age. I thinkhe's a little older than me, but
we got along. You guys aresharing there's ideas and I was and he
was like, he was like,so what are you gonna do? So
I'm gonna go into I'm stand upand he was like yeah. He's like,
well, if you have you everyou know an out and LA hit
me up and I was like,cool, I get go to New York
starts stand up. I come outto LA, I get a TV show.
I'm sitting having my lunch in theaudience bleachers on my TV show and
(32:44):
the fucking Cameron and the Grip putbringing a disk and they're like, have
you guys seen this show Jackass?And I'm like, no, it is
it and they're like, uh,They're like day, So they put in
Jackass the first that first Sunday,I think on Sunday stuff. That Monday
morning they put it in and they'relike, uh, like check this out
and I and I remember Johnny saying, I don't know, man, like
(33:07):
the American flag, it's like Americana, you know, like those old country
stars Like I remember him saying somethinglike that. When I see that flag,
durn yeah. And then and thenI see Johnny and I go,
holy fuck. That's I go.I know this guy. This guy he
was he was at my my apartmentand he was at the top of the
stairs. He was like, Ican throw myself down a flight of stairs.
(33:28):
And we're like and he's dressed asa woman in full makeup and we're
like no way. And he's likehuh and goes down. I'll flight of
stairs. I mean it was likethe funnest night of partying I ever had
in Tallaha whatever. It was prettygood before he was no jackass. Yeah,
and then uh and then jackass comesout and I'm like, shut up.
Then I'm sitting at California Chicken Cafe. This is out what a solid
(33:50):
dude Knoxville is. I'm sitting inCalifornia Chicken Cafe on Melrose and he walks
in. I'm with my manager.He walks in and I just go Johnny.
He just turns. He goes BertGreiser, how are you doing?
Man? I was like, great, man, how you doing? He
was like good. You know,sometimes you have a memory and you're like
yeah, because it's so cool anduh and he was eating with all the
jackass dudes. Chris Pontius had ina in a piece of in a newspaper
(34:16):
and he was looking through the newspaper. I swear to God. And so
so I said to Stevo, like, uh, maybe a month ago.
Because you you never, like ifyou when you especially when you're comic,
you tell stories to make people entertained. Yeah, so sometimes you go did
that did that really happen? Youknow? You wonder and so I was
(34:37):
like, I wonder if I mean, I know, I party with him
and I know all that happened,but I go, I wonder if he
remembers me. And then I gota text He's like, Yo, it's
Knoxville totally congrats on your success orwhatever. Yeah, he's a solid.
He remembers a lot. Dude,he's saw that's so sick and so because
his vision. You guys were talkingabout your dreams and they all they happen,
(34:59):
and you guys are like, dude, look at us, dude,
we did it. That's fucking ifyou think that's pretty nice, that's like
some destiny universal ship. Bro.Plato, Socrates, Nietzsche. Our pass
crossed in nine past seven in Tallahassee. I mean, if I think about
that sometimes, where I go,how crazy, like you're you know that.
(35:23):
I don't think anyone would have lookedat either of us at that time
and said they'll be successful. Imean he's dressing us women. Yeah yeah,
no, no, people will lookat you and be like, yeah,
okay, that's like what happened tome. Yeah okay, yeah come
on babe, let's go like fuckyou, um people, people shut you
(35:44):
down, dude, and that's whatthe universe like. I don't know if
it's God or whatever, but there'ssomeone that sees that and like they like,
dude, it's karma, you knowwhat I mean? Like straight up
like there's someone that sees that andlike controls, Like what what will happen
in your life if you just takeit with a grain of salt and just
keep moving on and keep your positiveattitude because people are gonna see that that
(36:07):
you're happy. And people don't likethat because they're not happy. So when
they see that, they go theytry to shut the happiness down. My
wife's my wife's got a quote theyshe gave me one time. So it's
kind of weird because because you gottadodge all these fuckers bath Well, it's
about it's you know, if itgoes back to Jamie O'Brien, if you
there's a quote my wife gave meabout, uh, don't don't deny yourself
(36:30):
the opportunity to shine. Don't denyyourself the opportunity to like sparkle or whatever.
Yeah, people want to go yo, man, you're people. Yeah,
people love you. Yeah, butpeople want to see you. They
love you. You look at Jamieand when he started that vlog. I
bet there where guys going, whatthe fuck you doing? You bring your
camera out here? What do youcall the time? Yeah? And and
but trust me when I say hewas always sticking up for it. Yeah,
(36:51):
and and and and by the way, you ever say, kind of
revolutionize that whole fucking I mean theway surfing. I mean people now here's
always like I'm doing what I'm gonnado, and and I can film whatever.
And he's got great fucking energy.And then all of a sudden,
it's like like people that were shippingon him from like don't bring your camera
line but whatever they would say,they don't realize they just did because because
(37:12):
he's because he's Jamie. Yeah,he's you know what I mean. Because
he's he's he's got something going andpeople don't like that, and he's happy
and he's I mean, people arealways undeniable. Like anyone you talked to
said, he's the best of pipeline. That's undeniable. Fuck yeah, dude,
he'll come, dude, it's nary. There's a couple of guys,
but there's he's definitely under novel,you know what I mean. But he'll
say he'll say that like his favoritesJerry um um, Derek Coh, like
(37:37):
his favorites Derek co or like orlike Jerry you know Lopez, but yeah,
you never know. But dude,like he I remember like we were
filming and he was getting all thishate too, you know, and like
and then I kind of got discouragedand then no, no, no way,
but he was always there like,come on, poops, let's do
this too. There's a time inpodcasting when people will go, oh,
(38:00):
what, you got a podcast,and you'd be like, yeah, I
do, and they'd be like,everyone's got a fucking podcast. You're like,
yeah, I know, I know, I know. And now people
look at it now and everyone goes, how do I get a podcast?
You're like, yeah, yeah,I've been doing it for fucking with ten
years, nine years. Yeah yeah, I'm old school with my advertising and
i've and we make good money.And you go, yeah, I'm glad
(38:20):
I didn't listen to these people thatare like, don't make it. You
have a fucking podcast. Yeah Idid. I did a vlog for a
little bit, but it started itstarted cannibalizing. Those are the cool kids,
bro, Those are the cool kids. Cool kids, They tell you
what not to do. You justsit back and you go and you don't
listen to the cool kids. Donot listen to the I did. I
listened to the cool kids for awhile, and I was like, dude,
this is not what I should do. You can feel it, you
(38:43):
know. You go with your gut, you go to your instinct. You
know. I did a I dida tour and drive in movie theaters.
When during COVID, I came upwith an idea. I had an idea,
and I said, that's the problemis I always have an idea and
I go owt to do this,and then you put your agents and managers
on it and they're like, okay, we can do that, and then
you hear comics, great comics,great comics, shit on it. When
(39:06):
I said I'm gonna do driving movietheaters, uh negative negative, just negative,
Like dude, you stupid. That'swhen you can't say anything. You're
just like, I'm not gonna mentionit anymore. I'm just gonna do it.
Yeah. And I did it.Yeah, And then and then I
did it, and then I'm look, i'm bragging a little bit, but
I didn't everyone else. Everyone elsedid it. And then I won an
(39:27):
award for doing it, and itwas called Damn the Torpedoes. Damn the
Torpedo is a great quote about likeyou know, well I think it was
Winston Churchill said we gotta go getthose boys and like, what about the
torpedoes. He's like, fuck them, Like just fuck them, yeah,
because it's gonna stop you from gettingmore higher and higher. And what do
you you want to do? Thinkabout all the people in your life,
(39:50):
because then they it's all that shitcoming in your head, all these negative
like oh dude, what are youdoing that for? Like like when I
stuck this freaking Roman cantel in mybutth hole, I had a lot of
haters, dude, you know whatI mean. And I'm like, I'm
not gonna I'm not gonna even worryabout that because I know Stevo would fucking
say, I love it, poops, and that's all I care about.
Yeah, if the boys accept it, think about I don't get I don't
(40:13):
really care about all the other peoplethat don't like it because I'm there for
it's my body. It's you shoulddo a ted talk and and with the
same same that you're giving I getkind of like into that fuck the haters.
Man. When I put a Romancandle in my buttle, I was
like, there were people like youshouldn't do that. Yeah, And I
was like, hey, man,bye, I knew it was gonna work
(40:36):
out. I knew there's gonna beI was gonna come unarmed. It was
funny. I had my other friendhave another one in his butthole. We
had a Roman candle war. Itwas like the two hundred fifty shot ones.
Because I was laid in my bed. This is how it came out.
I was laying in my bed andthis is it. It's fun sucking
(41:00):
funny dude. So yeah, Iwas laying in my bad. I just
I just I was just like relaxing, you know, like thinking about like
what I'm gonna do with these Romancandles. Wait. Yeah, I bought
him from Long Beach like a weekago for the for for for this exact
Yeah. So I went to LongBeach, met this like legal like guy
(41:22):
who's selling fireworks out of his carout of the trunk of his car.
I went to like this Narli Gate. I went this is like Narli Gangster's
house to meet up with him.My book via brought me, uh so
I got the fireworks from Long Beachor like three fucking Roman candles are big,
(41:42):
They're like this thick, but Ican get that. Yeah no,
but at the end, yeah yeah, yeah no, these shot can keep
going on all right. That waspart one of Bert's episode. He was
(42:05):
gracious enough to stay in the studiofor way longer than an hour, so
be sure to check out the restof his episode next week. In the
meantime, stay Absolutely Shitty The Shittiestpodcast is produced by the World's Worst People,
Tyler Nielsen, Bryan Tillotson, FrankRiscoll and narrated by Me the Narrator.
Special thanks to the straw Hut team
Popular Podcasts
Fudd Around And Find Out
UConn basketball star Azzi Fudd brings her championship swag to iHeart Women’s Sports with Fudd Around and Find Out, a weekly podcast that takes fans along for the ride as Azzi spends her final year of college trying to reclaim the National Championship and prepare to be a first round WNBA draft pick. Ever wonder what it’s like to be a world-class athlete in the public spotlight while still managing schoolwork, friendships and family time? It’s time to Fudd Around and Find Out!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!