August 18, 2025 • 23 mins
#135. How do we accept, and live with, a life we never really wanted?
Welcome to another My Why Blog episode - where I share the audio version of my latest blog post. But in this case, it’s actually a re-release of the most popular blog episode I’ve ever put out (to my surprise!).
If you’ve been listening a while, you’ll know I usually pause podcasting in August to focus on writing and other projects. But this August is a little different, and I explain why in the intro.
If you’d rather read the blog, you’ll find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/acceptingalifeidontwant (with the video and song links included).
This post grew out of a rather heavy Easter weekend, when I found myself asking questions like:
What if life never turns out the way we hoped?
If acceptance feels impossible, how do we ever begin to heal and move forward?
I suspect more people than we realise are quietly wrestling with these same questions. Grieving the life you imagined, and learning to accept the one you have, is not easy. And while I don’t claim to have figured it out yet, I’m convinced it’s a vital step if we want to keep moving forward.
You can explore more blogs to read, or listen to, here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/blog
A few examples:
What happens if I let go?:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/whathappensifiletgo
Disappointed with life:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/disappointment-with-life
You're not the only one:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/yourenottheonlyone
Navigating Mother's Day when you're childless:
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7a23238b/navigating-mothers-day-when-youre-childless
Lost Inside, where am I? (my experience with PMDD):
https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/lostinside
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Episode transcripts: thesilentwhy.buzzsprout.com
Thank you for listening.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Claire Sandys (00:00):
Hi there, welcome .
I'm Claire, host editor, blogwriter and everything else for
The Silent Why.
Well, it's August again and, asregular listeners will know, I
often take time off the podcastin August to focus on some of my
writing.
However, this year is different.
Chris and I are taking sometime out for a road trip from
October to December this yearmore on that nearer the time and
(00:22):
so the podcast is going to haveto look a bit different then.
December this year more on that, nearer the time, and so the
podcast is going to have to looka bit different then.
So, instead of depriving you ofour regular dulcet tones in
August and then also October,november, december I thought I'd
put out an episode, but I'dmake it a re-release, and so
I've chosen what is, to date, mymost listened to blog on the
podcast.
I wrote this one in 2023, but Ithink it's probably as relevant
(00:43):
to me now as it was then, and Iknow that a lot of you resonate
with it, because that's what thelistening figures show me.
It's called Accepting a Life IDon't Want, and I think it's a
hurdle that more people than werealise are trying to get over.
In fact, someone recently toldme about the micro griefs they
currently face daily because ofa huge change in life that they
didn't expect.
(01:03):
And that plays into the sametheme grieving the life you
thought you would have andlearning how to accept the one
that you have instead.
It's not easy, but it's vitalif we're to move forward and, of
course, just like everythingelse we mentioned on the podcast
, it's something that needs tobe grieved and that might even
be daily in small ways for therest of our life, as always.
(01:26):
If you prefer, you can alwaysread my blogs on the website
instead.
So, whether it's your firsttime of hearing this or the
second or the third, kick backand know that you are not alone
if you're trying to accept alife that you didn't think you'd
ever be in and that you don'treally want.
Claire Sands, my White Audioblog Accepting a life I don't
(01:48):
want.
Some of you will remember that Idid an episode recently called
Navigating Mother's Day whenYou're Childless.
It was an episode that was abit different because I just
switched the mic on and spokeabout all things Mothering
Sunday, which is in March in theUK.
As far as these days go, itactually went really well for me
this year A lovely day withunexpected blessings and a
(02:09):
general sense of peace.
Have a listen for more on thatif you haven't heard it already.
However, I'm just coming out ofthe Easter weekend, which is
usually a safe space for me, andit was probably one of the
worst weekends I've had for afew months.
So it just goes to show younever fully know where the chips
are going to fall in life.
Normally I really like Easter,especially as a childless woman.
(02:32):
It doesn't have the familypressures in the same way that
Christmas does.
It acknowledges pain andsuffering on Good Friday,
highlights the waiting, griefand confusion of Holy Saturday
in between, and celebrates thehope and triumph of resurrection
on Easter Sunday.
What's not to love?
It's the path that we all hopeto take through our loss,
obviously spread out over morethan just a weekend.
There's something about it thatI have connected with more and
(02:54):
more over the years and lookforward to.
Those of you that know me by nowwill no doubt be muttering
under your breath.
It probably helps that it's theofficial time to eat marzipan
too, and you're not wrong as aself-confessed and officially
noted in many a blog marzipanlover.
Seriously, folks, I think Imight have a problem starting.
I'm all for the festival thathas a fruitcake with marzipan
(03:15):
baked into the middle, laid ontop and then decorated in small
marzipan disciples, otherwiseknown as simnel cake, and of
course, there's the usualabundance of chocolate appearing
.
Cadbury's mini eggs are afavourite of mine, but this year
, well, not only was there noeggs, it just wasn't the safe
place I was expecting or hopingfor.
And I've discovered you can'tforce it if it's not there.
(03:38):
Why was it so bad?
Well, I don't fully know, but Isuspect it was my old friend
PMDD, rearing his ugly head, andyou can check out my blog, lost
Inside.
Where Am I for more on that,because I don't want to go over
all the details and bore peopleagain, but let's just say one of
the D's in PMDD stands fordysphoric, which means a state
(03:58):
of sadness, emotional discomfortor suffering, and that was my
weekend.
In a dairy-free chocolatenutshell, I spent the majority
of the weekend either feelingangry, sad, frustrated or
confused.
I couldn't relax, I couldn't dowork.
I tried to edit a small noiseinto an episode that I was
working on, and I couldn't workout if it sounded right.
So I sat and sobbed at my deskwhile wait for it, not wanting
(04:22):
to touch my simnel cake and teathat was next to me.
Yes, that's how bad it was.
My head was so full of nasty,horrible and dark thoughts that
I couldn't open my mouth tospeak for fear of the damage it
was going to do.
I've learnt a lot of copingstrategies to protect myself and
those around me, so I'm proudof myself for that.
But it's really hard workinternally.
It's hard enough for any of usto capture one bad thought and
(04:43):
turn it to good, let alone whenevery thought is going that way
and I get angry that I can'tjust be me and I get sad, I
can't enjoy myself.
I feel lonely because I can'tcommunicate it and I feel
helpless because somethinginside me is crying out for help
but I have no idea how toexpress or show it.
It's a mess.
Then last week's episode wentout containing all the lovely
(05:03):
feedback you guys had given usand I felt like a fraud because
when I'd put it together I waslooking forward to Easter and
feeling joyful.
It's worth noting here thatalthough I like to think my
blogs contain helpful words andwise quotes for you all or so
you sometimes tell me thatdoesn't mean I know how to
always apply it and live by itmyself every day.
These are lessons I'm stilllearning, wrestling with and
(05:24):
processing.
I have acquired a lot of wisdomfrom others over the years.
I absorb it like a sponge whenpeople share how they navigate
life, but you can have all thehead knowledge in the world and
still not know how to let itfilter down into your heart, and
the irony of this dropping onme the week after I released a
blog on being able to let thingsgo is not lost on me.
(05:45):
The reason I knew there was ablog subject in the middle of
this messy weekend is becausethere was one particular theme
that kept emerging in my mindrepeatedly, and it was a subject
that I know many other peopleare going to feel too.
It's very closely related to mylast blog what Happens If I Let
Go?
The sequel, if you will,because when you've learnt to
let go, named what you're facingand started to accept what's
(06:05):
before you, it's very freeingand you can start to see more
long-term and reassess thingsand hope for new and different,
but possibly better, adventuresahead.
However, there's another aspectto this that I didn't expand on
in the previous blog, and itwas this that was haunting me
over the Easter weekend andsince, although many of you will
identify with it, not all ofyou will, I suspect it can
(06:27):
depend on your overall outlook,personality or upbringing.
Let's just see if this issomething you identify with or
not.
Picture something you have hadto let go of, something you
really hoped for, wanted ordreamed of and that you realise
now is never going to happen foryou.
Narrow it down to as specific asentence as possible.
For example, I could say wemight be childless forever.
(06:50):
Or I could pin that down to Iwon't ever be pregnant, or I
can't be a mother, or I mightnever get married, I can't hold
down a full-time job, I'll neverbe able to ride a bicycle again
, I'll never be the grandparentI wanted to be, etc.
Etc.
Word it in a way that you feelmost comfortable with.
But, as I said in my last blog,try to be really honest with
(07:15):
yourself and take out all thefluffy maybes.
If you know it's a definite, Bebrave people.
Now, if this is something thatwon't happen for you, there's
the stage of letting go, as Idiscussed in the previous blog.
Then there might be some timegrieving that loss.
That's perfectly normal.
Then, at some point, in orderto move forward in life, there's
the stage of acceptance, andit's at this junction that we
(07:37):
might all go our separate ways,depending on who we are.
Let's say there's two mainhighways, but I suspect there
are loads of different lanes oneach of them, as we all have
varying ways of working alongthese roads.
The chances are you're going tofind yourself on one of them
without it actually being achoice that you made.
Here are the two roads Highway 1the Acceptance Accepted.
(08:00):
Highway T-A-A-H TAR for short.
This road is for those thathave accepted their new life.
Don't get me wrong.
This doesn't mean they didn'texperience the same level of
struggle and grieving as thoseon the other highway.
It just means that these folkare grabbing life and deciding
to make it into something theywill get the most from In the
(08:22):
childless world.
These guys are not apologisingfor the extra time on their
hands, lie-ins at the weekend,the extra disposable income, the
holidays during term time ortheir quiet house.
This is their life and they arechoosing to run with it and
enjoy it.
It's the person with the legamputated who is running on
those big springy metal stripsas soon as they're able to.
It's the grandparent who hasmore time and energy to put into
(08:44):
causes in other people becausethey don't have grandchildren or
don't see them as much asthey'd like.
It's the newly blind person whopicks up their white stick and
leaves the house alone for thefirst time.
It's the person with a mentalillness that creates space in
their life for relapses, withoutbeating themselves up about it
or using it as an excuse.
We've all seen courageouspeople like these or have seen
(09:04):
their stories on the internet.
So that's Highway 1, theAcceptance Accepted Highway.
Then there's Highway 2, theAcceptance Not Accepted Highway.
T-a-n-a-h, for short, tana Iknow, these are just such catchy
acronyms and this is thehighway that I have found myself
on.
(09:24):
Darn it, I really want to be onHighway 1.
So badly.
However, I will say that alongHighway 2, there are connecting
small roads that can take you toHighway 1, where you accept
life happily, and vice versa.
So it's very possible to switch.
In fact, sometimes it happensby accident.
You think you're cruising alongin the slow lane of Highway 1,
(09:45):
accepting things, when suddenlyyou get your butt switched via a
slip lane to Highway 2, whereyou really belong.
Ha.
So what is Highway 2 exactly?
Highway 2 is when you areforced to accept a life you
didn't want, which is the sameas those on Highway 1, but us
Highway 2 guys are really nothappy about it and we're
fighting it at every single turn.
We're looking backwards,wanting off, we're eyeing up the
(10:08):
slip roads to leave but thenrealise they only head to a
worse place Highway 1, wherewe'd have to fully accept our
new life.
We're looking around us at theother people comparing ourselves
, we're scanning over the hedgesto see what it might look like
to be on the roads with peoplewho are actually living a life
they enjoy, and we bet they'reall wearing sunglasses along the
(10:30):
way.
We do not want to accept thelife or the situation that we
have been given, and this was alarge part of what I realised I
was facing over my messy Easterweekend.
I will probably always have afew days or weeks here and there
for the rest of my life where Iwill be derailed mentally or
physically, outside of mycontrol.
With PMDD, that is probably mylife now.
So does that mean the next stepis coming to a point where I
(10:51):
accept it, learn to voice it and, dare I say, change or cancel
plans accordingly?
The wrestling inside me wasscreaming no, this can't be it.
I do not want this to be mylife.
It has to get better.
I have to return to who I wasbefore.
It can't be the final me.
Why can't childlessness?
I do not want this to be mylife.
It has to get better.
I have to return to who I wasbefore.
It can't be the final me.
Why can't childlessness just bethe thing, or not having a
career?
Why have I got this as well?
(11:14):
And then I realised there is alot about my life that I just
don't want to accept.
I need to accept I'm childlessand I have no regrets about the
decisions we've made along thatpath.
But there are so many wonderfulthings I will never experience
or know and that will alwaysmake me a bit sad.
I need to accept I don't have asuccessful budding career that
(11:35):
I once dreamt of.
I didn't find something I lovedto do for many years.
I possibly wouldn't have beenable to do it with the health
stuff that came at me in mythirties.
Anyway, I have had to still doforego a lot of other things I'd
like to have in my life becauseof that.
I need to accept that ourmarriage, blessed as I am in,
(11:56):
that will always need a bit morework to make sure we're on the
same page with all the stuffthat childless life throws at
you.
I need to accept that I'msomeone that will occasionally
not be able to do things, not beable to be there for people,
not be able to do everything Icould do for others because of
physical or mental health issues.
I need to accept that I can'talways be the me that others
need me to be.
I can't always be chatty, happy, visiting people, sending cards
(12:17):
, buying gifts, rushing to helpsupport them in the way that my
mind wants to do but doesn'thave the capacity for.
I need to accept that sometimesI'm so tired and sad for no
reason and that's okay.
I need to accept that it's notweak, pathetic, moany or
negative to tell others whatyou're going through and let
them help.
I need to accept there arecertain places with certain
(12:39):
people where I will feel like Idon't fit in.
I need to accept that sometimesmy own plans will be derailed
by my own brain and there'snothing I can do about that.
I need to accept it's okay tofeel this way, even though I
beat myself up for thinking ofall the people who have it worse
than me.
There are many things I need toaccept, but honestly, I just
(12:59):
don't want to.
The truth is I don't want to bethis person.
It's not who I set out to be.
If I die now, I am not okaywith how far I've come on this
journey.
Yet I can see that those whohave accepted their situation
experience more peace, joy andhope with the ups and downs.
So how do you do that?
Can you do that?
(13:19):
Or are some of us just not ableto?
Well, I have a very easy, verydefinitive answer for you.
As far as I'm concerned, I haveno idea, no idea at all.
Hey, I can't do all the hardwork for you.
One definition of acceptance isthe act of taking or receiving
(13:40):
something that's been offeredNope, I don't want it, I am not
taking it.
Or a favourable reception orapproval Again, no, I am not
predisposed to accept thissituation favourably.
So where does that leave me?
I don't want to accept thisoffering of a life.
I don't want to receive itfavourably, I don't want it, but
(14:04):
it is what I have In fact rightnow.
It's all that I have.
So how do I move forward?
Like I said, I don't have allthe answers, but I know one
thing, and this is where thoseof you without a faith or a
belief in God might roll youreyes, but I can't see anything
in this world that gives meanything strong enough to hang
(14:26):
on to in all these situations.
It's not that faith fixes allthe issues, obviously, or I
wouldn't be struggling with themnow, not by a long shot.
For example, I wasn't feelingthe triumph of Easter Sunday
this year.
I felt like I was stuck in GoodFriday with the disciples
watching it all crumble aroundme as they watched Jesus, their
friend, be crucified.
As someone who believes Jesusrose from the dead, I found my
(14:49):
mind and this is hard to admitsaying whoop-dee-doo.
But what good is that to me?
Right now, as I sat and sobbedmy way through a second watching
of the shack, wondering werethe children I might have had
somewhere in heaven waiting forme?
And concluding I didn't havethem, so that doesn't make any
sense.
Nope, I'm still childless.
There's a small glimpse throughthe grubby window into my PMDD
(15:10):
mind for you.
So it's not that faith changesany of that, but and it's a big
but when I think about having toaccept this life and this
broken world with all itssuffering, death, shootings,
extinction, murder, dyingchildren, war and dairy-free
chocolate.
There's something else thatpops into my mind, and it's what
(15:32):
Jesus teaches us.
We were never meant to acceptthis broken life.
He always intended more for us.
It's okay to not accept thepain, suffering and heartbreak
this world offers, becausethat's not what he wanted for us
.
It's just what the world hasbecome, and I believe he's
always with me in that, whetherhe's comforting me or I'm
(15:55):
angrily shouting at him andsobbing, or we're eating
marzipan together over a cup oftea.
There's a song called Blessingsby Laura Story.
I'll put a link in the shownotes and I'm going to end the
episode with the lyrics.
She went through a hard timewith her husband's health and
their prayers weren't answeredin the way they hoped.
So she started looking atredefining blessings.
What if they could actuallycome through the bad stuff?
(16:17):
It's a song that I've returnedto a lot when I want to
challenge the idea of myblessings only coming through
money, health, relationships andjobs etc.
So you might be thinking that'sall well and good, but how does
it help me when I'm stuck onHighway 2?
Well, it all comes back tothings I've said and heard said
by our guests many times on thepodcast.
None of us are guaranteed alife without struggles, and I
(16:41):
think that's the key point hereto remember.
There's a very challenging scenein the film and the book, the
Shack, where the main character,mac, is chatting to a character
called Wisdom about how he, aswe all do, judges people as good
or bad.
He wants to condemn to hell theman that killed his daughter.
In the conversation he admitsthat he even judges God for not
(17:03):
stepping in and stopping whathappened.
It's a fantastic scene.
I'll put a link to it in theshow notes, but it is better in
context of the whole story.
Really, wisdom says this to himIs that who your God is,
mackenzie?
No wonder you're drowning ingreat sorrow.
God isn't like that.
This was not God's doing.
He didn't stop it.
He doesn't stop a lot of thingsthat cause him pain.
(17:27):
What happened to Missy was thework of evil and no one in your
world is immune from it.
You want the promise of apain-free life and Mac replies
yeah, yeah.
She says there isn't one.
As long as there is anotherwill in this universe free not
to follow God, evil can find away in and Mac says there's got
(17:49):
to be a better way, and shereplies and there is, but the
better way involves trust.
This challenged me to the core.
Where have I got thisassumption that there are
pain-free lives out there?
Why have I assumed, with allthe illness, evil and
destruction in the world, I willbe immune to it?
Why have I assumed God causesor allows any of it, like a mean
(18:13):
dictator choosing who to punishand release from punishment?
What if we're all equal?
We all get pains, suffering,illness and trials.
They are different.
They are many for some and lessfor others.
They are results of our choices.
They are purely biology.
However it comes, whenever itcomes, we should draw strength
from being in this together.
(18:35):
You can choose to be bitter,angry, frustrated and annoyed,
or you can keep finding ways ofhacking through the weeds to
find hope, peace and joy withinyour situation.
Would I swap my pain for aphysical pain?
Sometimes I want to.
Would I want a daily physicalpain for my whole life?
No, would you go back and nothave the death of a loved one
(18:56):
occur in your life?
Yes, probably.
Would you do it if it meantnever having that person in your
life at all?
Possibly not, so in somesituations we'd choose grief,
choose pain.
It's confusing, isn't it?
And it's okay to be confused.
I have a faith that helpsanchor me in these situations.
It brings me home and makes merealise I'm not alone, and
(19:17):
dairy-free chocolate isn'tforever.
But you might not have that, soyou might have other things
that have been your rock insteadthat help to explain what
people go through However manypeople don't.
They flounder, they fall, theydrown in situations they were
never meant to swim in alone inthe first place, and that breaks
my heart.
If you're finding yourselfstruggling to accept the life
(19:39):
you have, you're not alone.
And that doesn't solve yoursituation.
It won't make it any easier yet, but it does help to know it's
not personal.
All of us are in the same boatwith this.
There are no easy answers tothese questions, but there is
marzipan.
No, sorry, I was going to saythere is hope.
There is always hope.
(20:00):
It's not always easy to find,but it's there.
It floats to the top of anysituation if you let it, but you
sort of have to look for it andwant to find it.
It's not interested in forcingitself upon you.
I'm still working on this myself, but what I'm taking forward at
the moment are some truths thatmight help you in your
(20:21):
situation.
I'm not alone.
Everyone has their problems andgrief.
Look around you on your highwayit's packed with people.
I'm not alone.
I believe in a God that sharesmy sufferings, collects my tears
and will right all the wrongson this planet one day.
I don't have all the answers,and that's okay.
(20:43):
No one does.
I don't want this to be my life, but there are many aspects of
my life and me as a person thatI wouldn't give up for anything.
It could be worse.
Although it's not good tocompare, whatever you're facing
now could be worse.
It might not feel that way, butit could.
(21:03):
It's okay to be someone else.
I'm needing to re-accept who Iam, taking into consideration my
childless status, my health, myemployment.
I need to absorb the things Idon't like as part of me and
find ways to accept them, but Ialso have new things to accept
and love and enjoy.
Because of those, and that'sokay.
(21:24):
It's hard for me to celebratethe extra freedoms I have
without children and theincreased down days I'll need
with my health every now andthen, but that's me, and nothing
good is going to come fromputting me down.
It might not be the life youwant, but it is the life you've
got, and if we don't find a wayto see past the newly acquired
(21:44):
aspects we don't like, we'll beblind to the newly acquired
blessings that have come our wayand the good traits that have
been born in us because of it.
Own your story, write yourfuture and let's all be building
up to the point where we feelbrave enough to look for those
slip roads onto Highway 1, takea deep breath, grab a friend's
hand and say let's do this,let's accept our life and start
(22:08):
to celebrate it.
Warts and all.
I'm going to finish with LauraStory's lyrics from the song
Blessings.
"We pray for blessings.
We pray for peace, comfort, forfamily protection while we
sleep.
We pray for healing, forprosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand toease our suffering.
(22:29):
All the while.
You hear each spoken need, yetlove us way too much to give us
lesser things.
Because what if your blessingscome through raindrops?
What if your healing comesthrough tears?
What if a thousand sleeplessnights are what it takes to know
you're near?
What if the trials of this lifeare your mercies in disguise?
(22:52):
We pray for wisdom, your voiceto hear.
We cry in anger when we cannotfeel you near.
We doubt your goodness, wedoubt your love, as if every
promise from your word is notenough.
And all the while you hear eachdesperate plea and long that
we'd have faith to believe.
(23:13):
What if trials of this life areyour mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us, whendarkness seems to win, we know
that pain reminds this heartthat this is not.
This is not our home.
It's not our home.
What if my greatestdisappointments or the aching of
(23:36):
this life is the revealing of agreater thirst this world can't
satisfy?
And what if trials of this lifethe rain, the storms, the
hardest nights are your merciesin disguise?
"
Hi there, welcome .
I'm Claire, host editor, blogwriter and everything else for
The Silent Why.
Well, it's August again and, asregular listeners will know, I
often take time off the podcastin August to focus on some of my
writing.
However, this year is different.
Chris and I are taking sometime out for a road trip from
October to December this yearmore on that nearer the time and
(00:22):
so the podcast is going to haveto look a bit different then.
December this year more on that, nearer the time, and so the
podcast is going to have to looka bit different then.
So, instead of depriving you ofour regular dulcet tones in
August and then also October,november, december I thought I'd
put out an episode, but I'dmake it a re-release, and so
I've chosen what is, to date, mymost listened to blog on the
podcast.
I wrote this one in 2023, but Ithink it's probably as relevant
(00:43):
to me now as it was then, and Iknow that a lot of you resonate
with it, because that's what thelistening figures show me.
It's called Accepting a Life IDon't Want, and I think it's a
hurdle that more people than werealise are trying to get over.
In fact, someone recently toldme about the micro griefs they
currently face daily because ofa huge change in life that they
didn't expect.
(01:03):
And that plays into the sametheme grieving the life you
thought you would have andlearning how to accept the one
that you have instead.
It's not easy, but it's vitalif we're to move forward and, of
course, just like everythingelse we mentioned on the podcast
, it's something that needs tobe grieved and that might even
be daily in small ways for therest of our life, as always.
(01:26):
If you prefer, you can alwaysread my blogs on the website
instead.
So, whether it's your firsttime of hearing this or the
second or the third, kick backand know that you are not alone
if you're trying to accept alife that you didn't think you'd
ever be in and that you don'treally want.
Claire Sands, my White Audioblog Accepting a life I don't
(01:48):
want.
Some of you will remember that Idid an episode recently called
Navigating Mother's Day whenYou're Childless.
It was an episode that was abit different because I just
switched the mic on and spokeabout all things Mothering
Sunday, which is in March in theUK.
As far as these days go, itactually went really well for me
this year A lovely day withunexpected blessings and a
(02:09):
general sense of peace.
Have a listen for more on thatif you haven't heard it already.
However, I'm just coming out ofthe Easter weekend, which is
usually a safe space for me, andit was probably one of the
worst weekends I've had for afew months.
So it just goes to show younever fully know where the chips
are going to fall in life.
Normally I really like Easter,especially as a childless woman.
(02:32):
It doesn't have the familypressures in the same way that
Christmas does.
It acknowledges pain andsuffering on Good Friday,
highlights the waiting, griefand confusion of Holy Saturday
in between, and celebrates thehope and triumph of resurrection
on Easter Sunday.
What's not to love?
It's the path that we all hopeto take through our loss,
obviously spread out over morethan just a weekend.
There's something about it thatI have connected with more and
(02:54):
more over the years and lookforward to.
Those of you that know me by nowwill no doubt be muttering
under your breath.
It probably helps that it's theofficial time to eat marzipan
too, and you're not wrong as aself-confessed and officially
noted in many a blog marzipanlover.
Seriously, folks, I think Imight have a problem starting.
I'm all for the festival thathas a fruitcake with marzipan
(03:15):
baked into the middle, laid ontop and then decorated in small
marzipan disciples, otherwiseknown as simnel cake, and of
course, there's the usualabundance of chocolate appearing
.
Cadbury's mini eggs are afavourite of mine, but this year
, well, not only was there noeggs, it just wasn't the safe
place I was expecting or hopingfor.
And I've discovered you can'tforce it if it's not there.
(03:38):
Why was it so bad?
Well, I don't fully know, but Isuspect it was my old friend
PMDD, rearing his ugly head, andyou can check out my blog, lost
Inside.
Where Am I for more on that,because I don't want to go over
all the details and bore peopleagain, but let's just say one of
the D's in PMDD stands fordysphoric, which means a state
(03:58):
of sadness, emotional discomfortor suffering, and that was my
weekend.
In a dairy-free chocolatenutshell, I spent the majority
of the weekend either feelingangry, sad, frustrated or
confused.
I couldn't relax, I couldn't dowork.
I tried to edit a small noiseinto an episode that I was
working on, and I couldn't workout if it sounded right.
So I sat and sobbed at my deskwhile wait for it, not wanting
(04:22):
to touch my simnel cake and teathat was next to me.
Yes, that's how bad it was.
My head was so full of nasty,horrible and dark thoughts that
I couldn't open my mouth tospeak for fear of the damage it
was going to do.
I've learnt a lot of copingstrategies to protect myself and
those around me, so I'm proudof myself for that.
But it's really hard workinternally.
It's hard enough for any of usto capture one bad thought and
(04:43):
turn it to good, let alone whenevery thought is going that way
and I get angry that I can'tjust be me and I get sad, I
can't enjoy myself.
I feel lonely because I can'tcommunicate it and I feel
helpless because somethinginside me is crying out for help
but I have no idea how toexpress or show it.
It's a mess.
Then last week's episode wentout containing all the lovely
(05:03):
feedback you guys had given usand I felt like a fraud because
when I'd put it together I waslooking forward to Easter and
feeling joyful.
It's worth noting here thatalthough I like to think my
blogs contain helpful words andwise quotes for you all or so
you sometimes tell me thatdoesn't mean I know how to
always apply it and live by itmyself every day.
These are lessons I'm stilllearning, wrestling with and
(05:24):
processing.
I have acquired a lot of wisdomfrom others over the years.
I absorb it like a sponge whenpeople share how they navigate
life, but you can have all thehead knowledge in the world and
still not know how to let itfilter down into your heart, and
the irony of this dropping onme the week after I released a
blog on being able to let thingsgo is not lost on me.
(05:45):
The reason I knew there was ablog subject in the middle of
this messy weekend is becausethere was one particular theme
that kept emerging in my mindrepeatedly, and it was a subject
that I know many other peopleare going to feel too.
It's very closely related to mylast blog what Happens If I Let
Go?
The sequel, if you will,because when you've learnt to
let go, named what you're facingand started to accept what's
(06:05):
before you, it's very freeingand you can start to see more
long-term and reassess thingsand hope for new and different,
but possibly better, adventuresahead.
However, there's another aspectto this that I didn't expand on
in the previous blog, and itwas this that was haunting me
over the Easter weekend andsince, although many of you will
identify with it, not all ofyou will, I suspect it can
(06:27):
depend on your overall outlook,personality or upbringing.
Let's just see if this issomething you identify with or
not.
Picture something you have hadto let go of, something you
really hoped for, wanted ordreamed of and that you realise
now is never going to happen foryou.
Narrow it down to as specific asentence as possible.
For example, I could say wemight be childless forever.
(06:50):
Or I could pin that down to Iwon't ever be pregnant, or I
can't be a mother, or I mightnever get married, I can't hold
down a full-time job, I'll neverbe able to ride a bicycle again
, I'll never be the grandparentI wanted to be, etc.
Etc.
Word it in a way that you feelmost comfortable with.
But, as I said in my last blog,try to be really honest with
(07:15):
yourself and take out all thefluffy maybes.
If you know it's a definite, Bebrave people.
Now, if this is something thatwon't happen for you, there's
the stage of letting go, as Idiscussed in the previous blog.
Then there might be some timegrieving that loss.
That's perfectly normal.
Then, at some point, in orderto move forward in life, there's
the stage of acceptance, andit's at this junction that we
(07:37):
might all go our separate ways,depending on who we are.
Let's say there's two mainhighways, but I suspect there
are loads of different lanes oneach of them, as we all have
varying ways of working alongthese roads.
The chances are you're going tofind yourself on one of them
without it actually being achoice that you made.
Here are the two roads Highway 1the Acceptance Accepted.
(08:00):
Highway T-A-A-H TAR for short.
This road is for those thathave accepted their new life.
Don't get me wrong.
This doesn't mean they didn'texperience the same level of
struggle and grieving as thoseon the other highway.
It just means that these folkare grabbing life and deciding
to make it into something theywill get the most from In the
(08:22):
childless world.
These guys are not apologisingfor the extra time on their
hands, lie-ins at the weekend,the extra disposable income, the
holidays during term time ortheir quiet house.
This is their life and they arechoosing to run with it and
enjoy it.
It's the person with the legamputated who is running on
those big springy metal stripsas soon as they're able to.
It's the grandparent who hasmore time and energy to put into
(08:44):
causes in other people becausethey don't have grandchildren or
don't see them as much asthey'd like.
It's the newly blind person whopicks up their white stick and
leaves the house alone for thefirst time.
It's the person with a mentalillness that creates space in
their life for relapses, withoutbeating themselves up about it
or using it as an excuse.
We've all seen courageouspeople like these or have seen
(09:04):
their stories on the internet.
So that's Highway 1, theAcceptance Accepted Highway.
Then there's Highway 2, theAcceptance Not Accepted Highway.
T-a-n-a-h, for short, tana Iknow, these are just such catchy
acronyms and this is thehighway that I have found myself
on.
(09:24):
Darn it, I really want to be onHighway 1.
So badly.
However, I will say that alongHighway 2, there are connecting
small roads that can take you toHighway 1, where you accept
life happily, and vice versa.
So it's very possible to switch.
In fact, sometimes it happensby accident.
You think you're cruising alongin the slow lane of Highway 1,
(09:45):
accepting things, when suddenlyyou get your butt switched via a
slip lane to Highway 2, whereyou really belong.
Ha.
So what is Highway 2 exactly?
Highway 2 is when you areforced to accept a life you
didn't want, which is the sameas those on Highway 1, but us
Highway 2 guys are really nothappy about it and we're
fighting it at every single turn.
We're looking backwards,wanting off, we're eyeing up the
(10:08):
slip roads to leave but thenrealise they only head to a
worse place Highway 1, wherewe'd have to fully accept our
new life.
We're looking around us at theother people comparing ourselves
, we're scanning over the hedgesto see what it might look like
to be on the roads with peoplewho are actually living a life
they enjoy, and we bet they'reall wearing sunglasses along the
(10:30):
way.
We do not want to accept thelife or the situation that we
have been given, and this was alarge part of what I realised I
was facing over my messy Easterweekend.
I will probably always have afew days or weeks here and there
for the rest of my life where Iwill be derailed mentally or
physically, outside of mycontrol.
With PMDD, that is probably mylife now.
So does that mean the next stepis coming to a point where I
(10:51):
accept it, learn to voice it and, dare I say, change or cancel
plans accordingly?
The wrestling inside me wasscreaming no, this can't be it.
I do not want this to be mylife.
It has to get better.
I have to return to who I wasbefore.
It can't be the final me.
Why can't childlessness?
I do not want this to be mylife.
It has to get better.
I have to return to who I wasbefore.
It can't be the final me.
Why can't childlessness just bethe thing, or not having a
career?
Why have I got this as well?
(11:14):
And then I realised there is alot about my life that I just
don't want to accept.
I need to accept I'm childlessand I have no regrets about the
decisions we've made along thatpath.
But there are so many wonderfulthings I will never experience
or know and that will alwaysmake me a bit sad.
I need to accept I don't have asuccessful budding career that
(11:35):
I once dreamt of.
I didn't find something I lovedto do for many years.
I possibly wouldn't have beenable to do it with the health
stuff that came at me in mythirties.
Anyway, I have had to still doforego a lot of other things I'd
like to have in my life becauseof that.
I need to accept that ourmarriage, blessed as I am in,
(11:56):
that will always need a bit morework to make sure we're on the
same page with all the stuffthat childless life throws at
you.
I need to accept that I'msomeone that will occasionally
not be able to do things, not beable to be there for people,
not be able to do everything Icould do for others because of
physical or mental health issues.
I need to accept that I can'talways be the me that others
need me to be.
I can't always be chatty, happy, visiting people, sending cards
(12:17):
, buying gifts, rushing to helpsupport them in the way that my
mind wants to do but doesn'thave the capacity for.
I need to accept that sometimesI'm so tired and sad for no
reason and that's okay.
I need to accept that it's notweak, pathetic, moany or
negative to tell others whatyou're going through and let
them help.
I need to accept there arecertain places with certain
(12:39):
people where I will feel like Idon't fit in.
I need to accept that sometimesmy own plans will be derailed
by my own brain and there'snothing I can do about that.
I need to accept it's okay tofeel this way, even though I
beat myself up for thinking ofall the people who have it worse
than me.
There are many things I need toaccept, but honestly, I just
(12:59):
don't want to.
The truth is I don't want to bethis person.
It's not who I set out to be.
If I die now, I am not okaywith how far I've come on this
journey.
Yet I can see that those whohave accepted their situation
experience more peace, joy andhope with the ups and downs.
So how do you do that?
Can you do that?
(13:19):
Or are some of us just not ableto?
Well, I have a very easy, verydefinitive answer for you.
As far as I'm concerned, I haveno idea, no idea at all.
Hey, I can't do all the hardwork for you.
One definition of acceptance isthe act of taking or receiving
(13:40):
something that's been offeredNope, I don't want it, I am not
taking it.
Or a favourable reception orapproval Again, no, I am not
predisposed to accept thissituation favourably.
So where does that leave me?
I don't want to accept thisoffering of a life.
I don't want to receive itfavourably, I don't want it, but
(14:04):
it is what I have In fact rightnow.
It's all that I have.
So how do I move forward?
Like I said, I don't have allthe answers, but I know one
thing, and this is where thoseof you without a faith or a
belief in God might roll youreyes, but I can't see anything
in this world that gives meanything strong enough to hang
(14:26):
on to in all these situations.
It's not that faith fixes allthe issues, obviously, or I
wouldn't be struggling with themnow, not by a long shot.
For example, I wasn't feelingthe triumph of Easter Sunday
this year.
I felt like I was stuck in GoodFriday with the disciples
watching it all crumble aroundme as they watched Jesus, their
friend, be crucified.
As someone who believes Jesusrose from the dead, I found my
(14:49):
mind and this is hard to admitsaying whoop-dee-doo.
But what good is that to me?
Right now, as I sat and sobbedmy way through a second watching
of the shack, wondering werethe children I might have had
somewhere in heaven waiting forme?
And concluding I didn't havethem, so that doesn't make any
sense.
Nope, I'm still childless.
There's a small glimpse throughthe grubby window into my PMDD
(15:10):
mind for you.
So it's not that faith changesany of that, but and it's a big
but when I think about having toaccept this life and this
broken world with all itssuffering, death, shootings,
extinction, murder, dyingchildren, war and dairy-free
chocolate.
There's something else thatpops into my mind, and it's what
(15:32):
Jesus teaches us.
We were never meant to acceptthis broken life.
He always intended more for us.
It's okay to not accept thepain, suffering and heartbreak
this world offers, becausethat's not what he wanted for us
.
It's just what the world hasbecome, and I believe he's
always with me in that, whetherhe's comforting me or I'm
(15:55):
angrily shouting at him andsobbing, or we're eating
marzipan together over a cup oftea.
There's a song called Blessingsby Laura Story.
I'll put a link in the shownotes and I'm going to end the
episode with the lyrics.
She went through a hard timewith her husband's health and
their prayers weren't answeredin the way they hoped.
So she started looking atredefining blessings.
What if they could actuallycome through the bad stuff?
(16:17):
It's a song that I've returnedto a lot when I want to
challenge the idea of myblessings only coming through
money, health, relationships andjobs etc.
So you might be thinking that'sall well and good, but how does
it help me when I'm stuck onHighway 2?
Well, it all comes back tothings I've said and heard said
by our guests many times on thepodcast.
None of us are guaranteed alife without struggles, and I
(16:41):
think that's the key point hereto remember.
There's a very challenging scenein the film and the book, the
Shack, where the main character,mac, is chatting to a character
called Wisdom about how he, aswe all do, judges people as good
or bad.
He wants to condemn to hell theman that killed his daughter.
In the conversation he admitsthat he even judges God for not
(17:03):
stepping in and stopping whathappened.
It's a fantastic scene.
I'll put a link to it in theshow notes, but it is better in
context of the whole story.
Really, wisdom says this to himIs that who your God is,
mackenzie?
No wonder you're drowning ingreat sorrow.
God isn't like that.
This was not God's doing.
He didn't stop it.
He doesn't stop a lot of thingsthat cause him pain.
(17:27):
What happened to Missy was thework of evil and no one in your
world is immune from it.
You want the promise of apain-free life and Mac replies
yeah, yeah.
She says there isn't one.
As long as there is anotherwill in this universe free not
to follow God, evil can find away in and Mac says there's got
(17:49):
to be a better way, and shereplies and there is, but the
better way involves trust.
This challenged me to the core.
Where have I got thisassumption that there are
pain-free lives out there?
Why have I assumed, with allthe illness, evil and
destruction in the world, I willbe immune to it?
Why have I assumed God causesor allows any of it, like a mean
(18:13):
dictator choosing who to punishand release from punishment?
What if we're all equal?
We all get pains, suffering,illness and trials.
They are different.
They are many for some and lessfor others.
They are results of our choices.
They are purely biology.
However it comes, whenever itcomes, we should draw strength
from being in this together.
(18:35):
You can choose to be bitter,angry, frustrated and annoyed,
or you can keep finding ways ofhacking through the weeds to
find hope, peace and joy withinyour situation.
Would I swap my pain for aphysical pain?
Sometimes I want to.
Would I want a daily physicalpain for my whole life?
No, would you go back and nothave the death of a loved one
(18:56):
occur in your life?
Yes, probably.
Would you do it if it meantnever having that person in your
life at all?
Possibly not, so in somesituations we'd choose grief,
choose pain.
It's confusing, isn't it?
And it's okay to be confused.
I have a faith that helpsanchor me in these situations.
It brings me home and makes merealise I'm not alone, and
(19:17):
dairy-free chocolate isn'tforever.
But you might not have that, soyou might have other things
that have been your rock insteadthat help to explain what
people go through However manypeople don't.
They flounder, they fall, theydrown in situations they were
never meant to swim in alone inthe first place, and that breaks
my heart.
If you're finding yourselfstruggling to accept the life
(19:39):
you have, you're not alone.
And that doesn't solve yoursituation.
It won't make it any easier yet, but it does help to know it's
not personal.
All of us are in the same boatwith this.
There are no easy answers tothese questions, but there is
marzipan.
No, sorry, I was going to saythere is hope.
There is always hope.
(20:00):
It's not always easy to find,but it's there.
It floats to the top of anysituation if you let it, but you
sort of have to look for it andwant to find it.
It's not interested in forcingitself upon you.
I'm still working on this myself, but what I'm taking forward at
the moment are some truths thatmight help you in your
(20:21):
situation.
I'm not alone.
Everyone has their problems andgrief.
Look around you on your highwayit's packed with people.
I'm not alone.
I believe in a God that sharesmy sufferings, collects my tears
and will right all the wrongson this planet one day.
I don't have all the answers,and that's okay.
(20:43):
No one does.
I don't want this to be my life, but there are many aspects of
my life and me as a person thatI wouldn't give up for anything.
It could be worse.
Although it's not good tocompare, whatever you're facing
now could be worse.
It might not feel that way, butit could.
(21:03):
It's okay to be someone else.
I'm needing to re-accept who Iam, taking into consideration my
childless status, my health, myemployment.
I need to absorb the things Idon't like as part of me and
find ways to accept them, but Ialso have new things to accept
and love and enjoy.
Because of those, and that'sokay.
(21:24):
It's hard for me to celebratethe extra freedoms I have
without children and theincreased down days I'll need
with my health every now andthen, but that's me, and nothing
good is going to come fromputting me down.
It might not be the life youwant, but it is the life you've
got, and if we don't find a wayto see past the newly acquired
(21:44):
aspects we don't like, we'll beblind to the newly acquired
blessings that have come our wayand the good traits that have
been born in us because of it.
Own your story, write yourfuture and let's all be building
up to the point where we feelbrave enough to look for those
slip roads onto Highway 1, takea deep breath, grab a friend's
hand and say let's do this,let's accept our life and start
(22:08):
to celebrate it.
Warts and all.
I'm going to finish with LauraStory's lyrics from the song
Blessings.
"We pray for blessings.
We pray for peace, comfort, forfamily protection while we
sleep.
We pray for healing, forprosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand toease our suffering.
(22:29):
All the while.
You hear each spoken need, yetlove us way too much to give us
lesser things.
Because what if your blessingscome through raindrops?
What if your healing comesthrough tears?
What if a thousand sleeplessnights are what it takes to know
you're near?
What if the trials of this lifeare your mercies in disguise?
(22:52):
We pray for wisdom, your voiceto hear.
We cry in anger when we cannotfeel you near.
We doubt your goodness, wedoubt your love, as if every
promise from your word is notenough.
And all the while you hear eachdesperate plea and long that
we'd have faith to believe.
(23:13):
What if trials of this life areyour mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us, whendarkness seems to win, we know
that pain reminds this heartthat this is not.
This is not our home.
It's not our home.
What if my greatestdisappointments or the aching of
(23:36):
this life is the revealing of agreater thirst this world can't
satisfy?
And what if trials of this lifethe rain, the storms, the
hardest nights are your merciesin disguise?
"
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