August 4, 2025 • 59 mins
#134. Let's chat... about finding hope after feeling hopeless as a young widow.
Welcome to another Let’s Chat episode, where instead of continuing our 101 Types of Loss list, I (Claire Sandys) sit down with guests who have expertise and personal insight into different aspects of loss.
In this episode, I have the pleasure of talking with Rachel Powell from Colorado. She’s a life coach, speaker, author, and founder of Hope Speaker, where she supports widows in moving from a place of hopelessness and loneliness to one of healing, and confident steps forward.
Rachel lost her husband, Andre, to suicide in June 2019, and she was left raising four children: their two-year-old daughter and three of her biological nieces and nephew.
In this conversation, Rachel shares how hard this journey was for her and the darkness that led her to attempt to take her own life.
But as a person who's passionate about hope, we also talk about how she found hope again, what part her Christian faith has played in her healing, and why she now speaks so passionately about her experience.
Rachel’s faith has been a big part of her healing, and while we don’t often delve into religion on this podcast, it’s important to see the different ways people find hope through grief. This episode is a powerful reminder that faith in God doesn’t guarantee an easier path.
Rachel offers wisdom and encouragement for all of us — whether you’ve experienced partner loss or are simply wondering what that journey might look like.
For more about Rachel, and the resources we mention, visit:
www.hopespeaker.com
Faceboook: https://www.facebook.com/HopeSpeakerRachelPowell
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hope_speaker/
Free Resources: www.hopespeaker.com/library
If you are interested in working 1:1 with Rachel for widow support, learn more at www.hopespeaker.com/coaching
To contact Rachel: Connect@hopespeaker.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Claire (00:00):
Hello there and thank you for joining me for another
episode of Let's Chat on TheSilent Why.
I'm Claire Sandys and throughthis podcast, we're exploring
how and where we can find hopethrough grief and loss.
In these Let's Chat episodes, Ichat to a guest who brings
either personal experience orprofessional experience into a
specific area of loss.
Together, we're building what Ilike to call a metaphorical
(00:22):
toolshed a growing collection ofinsights, stories and practical
tools to help us prepare for ornavigate life's inevitable
losses.
In this episode, I'm talking toRachel Powell.
In Colorado, she's a life coach, speaker, author and founder of
Hope Speaker, where shesupports Christian widows in
moving from a place ofhopelessness and loneliness to
(00:43):
one of healing, support andconfident steps forward.
Rachel lost her husband, Andre,to suicide in June 2019.
She was left raising fourchildren, their two-year-old
daughter and three of herbiological nieces and nephew,
which she and Andre wereparenting together.
In this conversation, rachelopens up about the deep and
complex emotions that followed,the guilt and shame when blame
(01:06):
was directed at her, thereactions she faced when setting
boundaries and the darknessthat led her to attempt to take
her own life.
We also talk about what it tookfor her to reclaim her mind and
find hope again, including thewarrior mindset that helped keep
her going, the challenges andblessings of a blended family
life now she's remarried, andwhy she now speaks so
passionately about hope.
Rachel's faith has been a bigpart of her healing and, while
(01:29):
we don't often delve intoreligion on this podcast, I
think it's important to see thedifferent ways people find hope
in grief.
This episode is a powerfulreminder that believing in God
certainly doesn't make life anyeasier or mean that you get to
avoid the hard stuff, but it canbe a vital part of someone's
journey through loss.
I'm really excited for you tohear this conversation.
Rachel offers wisdom andencouragement for all of us,
(01:52):
whether you've experiencedpartner loss or are just simply
wondering what that journeymight look like.
And, of course, I'll be askingRachel what tool she wants to
add to my metaphorical tool shed, so grab a hot drink or a cold
drink, depending what you're inthe mood for.
Tool shed so grab a hot drinkor a cold drink, depending what
you're in the mood for.
Rachel Powell (02:08):
And relax with me and Rachel as we chat about
finding hope as a widow.
Well, my name is Rachel Powelland I am here doing a completely
different life than I thought Iwould be doing.
I'm supposed to be or I thoughtI was supposed to be a nurse
and a homeschool mom, andcontinuing that life, and, after
losing my late husband bysuicide and struggling and
(02:30):
attempting myself, my days arenow spent with my business Hope
Speaker to reach other peoplestruggling with hope.
Particularly, I coach Christianwidows and I'm a speaker and
author and a strong suicideprevention advocate.
So that's what my world lookslike and my days at the
beginning of summer.
Here I have five children in ablended family.
(02:51):
I remarried a couple of yearsago and so right now, the new
normal is figuring out thesummer routine, especially with
little ones, and how to work andhave time with them and have
everyone at home all at the sametime.
You've got a lot going on there.
Yep, it's a lot.
Hands full of blessings, I liketo say.
(03:12):
I remind myself my hands arefull of blessings.
Claire (03:15):
So before we move on to hope, which I know is a really
subject that's close to both ourhearts just tell us a bit about
the chapter before that,because you haven't always been
this amazing, hopeful personthat was just born that way and
life's been amazing.
You've been through a lot oflosses and griefs which have
helped kind of lead you towardsthis path of hope.
Rachel Powell (03:35):
So tell us a bit about what your experience is,
what kind of loss and griefyou've had to face.
You know, what's interestingabout that is in these recent
years of really digging into myown healing and doing therapy
and coaching and things myself Ihave found.
You know, I thought my lifestory was pretty normal and then
tragedy when I lost my husbandby suicide.
But I think the more work thatI do, the more that I uncover
(03:56):
and realize other themes andparts of my story.
I experienced abuse ofdifferent forms in my childhood
and significant familydysfunction that created a lot
of losses.
You know, three of my four aremy nieces and nephew
biologically that I raisedbecause we've had a lot of
(04:18):
struggles within the family andso my sister's kids have always
been with me and the familydynamics around that.
There's a lot of beauty andredemption but there's a lot of
struggle and heartache andlosses really that have come
along with all of those things.
So there's been more to mystory that I think I have just
thought was normal.
That really wasn't.
(04:39):
I do the deeper work.
I connect the things that Ihave worked through in trauma
and loss with my late husband toreally being connected in some
of these themes before and nothaving a voice, not knowing the
empowerment that I have now, asI've grown up, as I've dealt
with my family of origin, eventhrough some of the spiritual
(05:01):
abuse that occurred in mymarriage, as my late husband
just spiraled downward, reallybecame someone else in that last
year of life, someone differentthan he had ever been, and
navigating the dynamics of abusewithin my marriage, which was
totally uncharacteristic andbizarre, and also the very
(05:22):
complicated piece of how thatfit into our church background
and how they sided with thehusband as the head of house and
encouraged me to submit andsubmit and really took his side
as things were spiraling downand I was crying out for help.
And we lost him by suicide inJune of 2019.
(05:43):
And so there's been a bunch ofdifferent pieces that have been
part of my story and thedynamics, things that happened
in that church after he passedaway until I had the clarity and
the courage to leave and find anew church home.
So there's been differentlosses and woundings and things
along the way, woundings andthings along the way.
But when I lost Andre bysuicide as is common with
(06:08):
suicide loss I struggled with atremendous amount of guilt and
shame, especially because he wasso angry at me for beginning to
set boundaries, as I waslearning my voice and having my
own counselor and having someclarity, despite what he and the
pastors were saying at thattime, I carried even more of
(06:30):
feeling that it was my faultbecause there were some
statements made that he directedblame my direction.
And so, in the overwhelm ofthat, of the darkness of what he
had been going through, thisperson that was incredible, that
I loved with all of me.
Andre and I grew up together.
I mean we met at I think wewere 16 or 17, maybe even 15,
(06:52):
high school youth group.
We married at 19, you know,really grew up together, went to
university, through all of ourschooling, through the raising
of these children that we hadnot biologically but that
entered this world and enteredour home until we had our own
biological one as well.
She was a couple days away frombeing two when he passed.
(07:14):
So in the aftermath I had thesefour children, still
complicated family dynamics.
We went into the pandemic.
I really blamed myself for hisloss.
I continued to have struggleswith the church, feeling that I
had been out of line andquestioning my character, even
despite it being revealed howextreme things were and so I was
(07:35):
in such a dark place that Ialso, even while being a strong
suicide prevention advocate fromthe beginning, I also began to
understand the other side ofsuicide and what it is to
struggle with pain that feelsunbearable and feeling like you
can't keep going.
And I ended up attempting twicein my own pain in those first
(07:59):
years and struggled veryintensely with hopelessness and
with darkness.
And so that is why hope and theredemption and rebuilding a
life that it can love again issuch a part of my heart, because
I truly get rock bottom and Iwant people to know that they
(08:20):
can rebuild a life that they canlove again, and that there is
always hope and is strong andreal and raw as the struggle
with suicide is.
I believe, because I'veexperienced in our humanness
there is also this unbelievableresilience, like a fight and a
(08:42):
will to survive.
I mean, people have enduredsome of the most unbelievable
things.
We know incredible stories andthat, I believe, is in all of us
, and it's even deeper than thedeepest darkness, and so my
story involves both.
Claire (08:59):
Gosh, there are so many losses there.
I mean, on paper you can boilit down to the death of your
husband and the obvious things.
But then on this podcast,having looked at so many
different ones, I know there'sgoing to be a massive list of
things there that you've lost,even including things like trust
and all those kinds of things.
Have you ever had to break downthe sort of losses you've been
through to deal with them, orhave you dealt with your story
(09:19):
sort of more as a whole?
Rachel Powell (09:25):
No, there's been a lot of work that's gone into
that.
So I have been involved indoing counseling.
I started sometime after wewere married and then off and on
through the years, and thatlast year of his life and then
when he passed away, I didcounseling every single week for
the first five years, I believe, and then went bi-weekly and,
like I mentioned, got intocoaching and things as well.
(09:47):
So I have always been one.
I'm like an Enneagram for areally deep feeler.
I'm not afraid of the heart andthe melancholy and the grief
and I'm very much interested ingrowth and I don't necessarily
agree with the terminology butwhat you might say is a
self-help category at abookstore or something.
Because, continuing to expand myown mind and heart and see a
(10:13):
little bit outside of the kindof binocular view, we can get
this myopic view of our liveswhere we rely on the thoughts
that we think and the feelingsthat we feel and take them as
full truth and they create ourreality and they're often, you
know, not a real reflection ofwhat's actually possible and
true.
And so that's been.
(10:33):
A lot of my work is digginginto my losses, my wounds,
trying to bring appropriatehealing to those wounded places
and to grow my own mindset, tomanage my own mind, my thoughts,
my feelings that are creatingmy actions, that you know,
(10:53):
therefore, my results and myreality.
I'm always been very into that,especially in these years after
losing him.
So it's been part of the road.
It's been messy and long andit's not done yet, and I'm okay
with that.
I don't ever want to stopgrowing and instead of reacting
out of things that create who Iam and how I respond to people,
(11:14):
and just not even being aware ofwhat that all is and where it's
coming from, yeah, am I rightin thinking that for the
Enneagram 4, it's quite hard toget out of those emotions?
Yes, so that's the good and thebad is I went right into the
deep end of grief.
I mean, I just like dove rightoff the diving board and went to
the bottom.
Yeah, so I didn't, you know,try to numb and check out.
(11:38):
I wasn't about to deny thereality I was in or try to tuck
what happened or Andre awaysomewhere.
But one of the pitfalls, yeah,is getting stuck in it and that
can contribute to those placesof hopelessness and grief.
And I really believe, throughmy own experience and through
being connected with so manyother grievers and particularly
(11:59):
widows and the work that I do.
Now, you know, in grief there isthis I don't even know if I
want to say a fine line, butthere's this there's a gray area
between being very authenticabout our grief, which is so
important, and I'm very againwanting to be authentic and
honest and real type of personabout our grief and what we
(12:20):
experience and naming our lossesand all those things being
really valid.
But also, where we can get sodefensive about our own grief,
we hold on to it and we getreally angry at other people who
don't understand and do thethings that we've been through,
and we can hold on to theseagain lie-based beliefs,
(12:43):
limiting beliefs that like well,my life's just over, like maybe
hope is available for otherpeople but not me and what I've
been through, or I don't evenwant to really find an abundant
life again because I've lostthis person or these things and
now I'm just biding time untilit's my time to go to.
You know, I've connected withwhatever these beliefs are and a
(13:06):
lot of different people andrealizing this grief space.
It's so important to bevalidated and to find empathy.
But if we set up camp to like,live in the valley of the shadow
of death, I believe that griefalso has a forward movement.
It's not about moving on ordisregarding things, but if we
(13:26):
don't have the forward movementin our grief, then we just get
stuck there.
And so, yeah, that wasdefinitely part of my battle and
probably why I can relate topeople who experience those
things so deeply as well,because I've been there.
I didn't just jump to hope andI'm like, okay, everybody come
along.
Like it's not, it's not thatbig of a deal.
(13:47):
I get how heavy and how majorthese things are.
Claire (13:52):
Tell us a bit about what sort of hopelessness looked
like for you.
What does that feel like to bein that place of just extreme
grief and not be able to seehope?
Rachel Powell (13:59):
For me.
I was so overwhelmed, claire, Iwas just.
I was still in shock about whathad happened, again, blaming
myself, navigating the struggleswith people in the church.
It gets even more complicatedwhen the people that are kind of
your lifeline and your support,was the community.
I had to end up leaving Becausethen I felt even more bereft of
(14:22):
everything and even more lost.
It's like so much has changed.
You lose relationships.
I need the help.
I'm overwhelmed to have thesefour children.
We went into the COVID pandemicnot long after you know the
whole world just went inside,like themselves and their own
households and their own toiletpaper, and I'm like I'm drowned,
you know, like you're drowning.
(14:42):
So navigating all of thosethings just felt so heavy and
overwhelming.
I really struggled to findbelief that life would ever be
good again.
The days felt so dark.
The children were strugglingwith their own grief and with
the four of them.
And again, family dynamics Iwas still navigating, but now
(15:03):
alone of them.
And again, family dynamics Iwas still navigating, but now
alone.
My mind was dark.
My thoughts and what I wasspeaking over my life and what I
could see was all dark, a lotof pain, and I could actually
feel it physically in my body.
I mean there were times when Iwas really really low.
I think one was before my firstattempt.
(15:24):
The older couple of kids musthave been somewhere, because I
remember the two little ones.
I mean I like barely had theenergy One day.
I like took strawberries out ofthe fridge and I was like
laying on the floor to like pushsome strawberries their
direction unwashed, which againisn't like me.
I'm like, oh, trying to do allthe things and be the best mom.
I was like didn't even have theenergy.
(15:45):
It was like here's some food,like I have to.
I was just laying on the floorthinking about ways of taking my
own life and I couldn't evenget out of the thoughts.
The physical weight of it, oneof the things and I know people
have different opinions aboutmedications and things, just
real, briefly on that and mentalhealth, it's so complex there
(16:08):
can't possibly be just a simple,single answer, because I do
believe that a lot of our woundsand so for people it can be
very valid to have medicationsthat can help with that.
But again, that's really not aforever solution because
(16:31):
whatever is causing that isstill not being treated right.
We're still you're alwaysaddressing the symptom.
The idea of anti-depression,anti-anxiety, of just trying to
flip the symptom around whenthere's something deeper causing
that that has to be addressed,is important.
But in the same breath, I wouldsay I found it so helpful.
(16:57):
I really had to come to a placeof humility.
For whatever reason, I was veryclosed off to the thought of
taking medication, which isinteresting considering I'd been
a registered nurse for years.
Before I started my business.
I was at the 14 years of beinga nurse.
So the irony of that, that,probably the pride I just I
remember even saying to myselfat one point I would rather take
(17:19):
my life before I would takemedication.
And it's like, why, like, wheredoes that come from?
Again, like these things thathad to be worked through.
But when I finally did, youknow it was like a little life
preserver for a time when Icould accept this isn't a
forever thing, this is to helpme in this storm, and that's
(17:40):
okay.
I have to say I literally feltthat and you know you start with
like half of this teeny tablet,the lowest dose.
I didn't take any crazy dosesof anything and I only had that
one medication, but I used to goin my closet and I would feel
the weight.
I also.
My mind was in a fog.
I realized I couldn't figureout why I was being late all the
(18:01):
time.
Like you know, there'sobviously a's obviously a lot
going on with kids.
But when I had the sense toagain zoom out a little bit, I
realized I was spending 20minutes standing in my closet.
I would go in there to getdressed and I couldn't decide
what to wear, and not in a waythat you're really thinking
about it.
I would space out and, like youknow, be dissociate.
(18:23):
I would stand in there and Ifelt this weight.
That's why sometimes I wouldjust be laying on the floor.
After I put the kids to bed, Iwould lay on the floor in my
closet.
It was so heavy.
And after I started thatmedication I felt that like for
me it was the next day like itfelt like about 50 pounds had
been taken off of my shoulders.
It was just like wow, that'slike incredible to me.
(18:46):
I'm a very active person.
I lift weights.
I know like what weights andthings feel like.
I'm like it is like a weighthas lifted off of me.
It didn't fix everything andagain, I still ended up
attempting.
I mean I struggled but it was ahelp and so that's kind of what
hopelessness and grief anddarkness looked and felt like to
me.
It was mental, it was in what Icould see, how I saw my life,
(19:10):
the words I spoke about myselfand my future, and very much
physically what I was feelingbecause we carry it in our
bodies.
Claire (19:18):
Definitely no.
I totally understand that I'vehad some hormone issues and it's
affected my mental health andit took me a long time to want
to say that because I didn'treally believe I guess I would
be someone that would have that.
You know I'm very, again,sympathetic to other people,
totally believe.
You know it's a big thing, alot of people struggle with it.
But I had no idea until I wentthrough it what I actually
thought about it and I kind ofthought maybe that if you're
(19:39):
strong enough you can beat thosecan't?
Um, and it's very eye-opening.
You just don't realize thatstuff about yourself until you
actually you actually get there.
So you've got this situationwith the hopelessness, and I
think it's something that a lotof women especially I don't know
if it's the same with men maybeyou know they sort of fear this
.
I've heard friends talk aboutthe fear of losing their partner
, losing their husband, becauseit does feel like everything
(20:02):
changes instantly.
It's such a big loss.
But you have reached a pointnow where you can say and talk
about hope.
So tell us how you got fromthat place of hopelessness to
believing in hope and kind ofbeing where you are today really
.
Rachel Powell (20:15):
Well, for me it was not a switch or something
that just changed.
It was a battle.
I mean, it was really a battleand I know people don't like to
necessarily think of things thatway or see our lives this way,
but I think sometimes we'rewalking around in like slippers
and a bath robe and we're likereally confused and we're like
(20:37):
floating down the river orsomething, and when all these
terrible things happen or youlike get hit with a bullet, you
were like what is happening?
Like we don't see the fact thatthis life is not vacation and
easy.
You know, I believe that we'rein a battle.
I believe, because of my faith,that there's a battle between
light and darkness and all ofthose things Also spiritually,
(21:00):
the darkness I didn't talk aboutthat much, but it was a part of
it.
So it really was.
It was a fight.
You know, in my arm I have 2Timothy 4, 7 tattooed.
It was my late husband'shandwriting.
He had written this in a letterand it reminds me fight the
good fight, finish the race,keep the faith.
(21:20):
And I put that in front of mebecause that's really kind of
what the road to hope was for me.
It was fighting this good fight, believing again, believing
that it was a good fight, thatit was worth while, that there
was goodness ahead of me.
And to finish this race, tokeep the faith in the midst of
all of the things I really hadto do, whatever it took for me
(21:46):
to survive and I like I say thatto people all the time I'm like
you are worth whatever resourceis needed, whatever time,
whatever money, whatever effortand energy to stay alive and to
heal, because I just was in thisgrind of like this is just how
life is now.
(22:06):
I'm busy, like I'm trying tokeep myself and all these kids
afloat, and there's all of thesethings and that's all valid and
true, but we can use thosethings as excuses to keep us
from the things that we reallyneed to do to get out of these
rising waters that are going todrown us, and we just kind of
sit there until we're overcomeeven more and not make some of
(22:27):
the changes that we need to make.
So for me, mentally and mythoughts, I really I had a shift
around suicidal thoughts andthings.
I talk about it in a few spaces, but it's what I like to call
the black box of suicide.
It's this place in our mindwhere that goes from.
Something like I would never doyou know, none of us is born in
(22:49):
this world thinking like you're, like a kid, you love life, you
know, you're full of zeal forthat.
It's like I would never oh mygosh, you hear something like
that.
Kids can't even understand.
Like I would never do that.
That's so sad in this place.
Somehow, though, it goes from ashock and horrific thing to
thoughts that you think about,to a possibility, to a solution,
(23:14):
to my only way out, my onlysolution.
It's in this place that thatchange happens in a person's
mind and a person's being tobring them to that place, and I
realized that any time I spententertaining those thoughts,
thinking about them, consideringit, sitting in that deep, sad,
(23:37):
really self-pity place of woe isme and my life is over and it's
never going to be good againthe same way.
And he's gone and I, I, youknow all of these things, um, in
that box.
It's like that's where thatvery steep slide is dug and like
lubricated, and you think youcan go in that space and come
(23:59):
out again, like it's acompartment.
I can think about thesethoughts and entertain.
Oh, okay, now I'm out and I'mliving life and but that's how
people both plan to die and planto live at the same time.
And it's confusing to everyoneelse who's left behind, because
when you're triggered or in aplace of something happening,
you go into that box and youslide right down that slippery
(24:20):
slope that you've dug foryourself, you and the enemy, and
lubricated up and you don'thave control anymore.
So, managing my mind and mythoughts and really coming to a
place again, a battle mindset oflike, when these thoughts knock
at the door, you know thehopeless things, the anything
(24:41):
about suicide, considering that,thinking about ways, thinking
about how this isn't worth it orit would be better, or I'm a
burden to people or any of it,to take that thought captive and
rebuke that like I'm going todispute and challenge and wage
war on these thoughts instead ofwhat I could do, which is
taking it like a blanket overmyself and laying down in the
(25:03):
fetal position and just beinglike, oh yep, it's so bad and
it's so hard.
I really had to have a warriormindset in my own mind because I
was in danger by myself and soin my mind, my life making
really hard changes, like I said.
(25:24):
I mean we had been part of thatchurch for I think about 15
years at that point and whensome of these things continued
to go on, that were just wrong,the things that my husband in
his sickness, the anger and theblame toward me and my
boundaries and how I wasunsubmissive, and they just kind
of took up the same words andthe same mindset and carried it
(25:48):
forward with me, treating methat way and being concerned
about my character and pullingme from worship and all of these
things after he had passed awayand it was like it was a place
that was making me really sickand keeping me in a dark place
to have that over my head andcontinued blame and suspicion
and the assumption of badmotives when I was like trying
(26:09):
to survive and trying to get ushelp.
So making those changes wassomething to the really hard
changes when that had been ourcommunity, that that was our
support system.
You know it was.
It was a really brave,significant thing in the COVID
pandemic for me to take my kidswhen we all had to have masks,
(26:29):
including the little one who waswhat like two at that point
keep this mask on, manage themand their behaviors and their
fighting and their grief and goto a new church all by myself
and sit with masks in the pewsand try to see what I could see
of other churches in a timewhere every church looked
different was trying to figurethings out and really the
(26:52):
biggest thing of all I think Imean there's mental things,
there's tangible things.
We moved houses.
I needed a healing space, likethere's practical things about
it, but for me the crux ofmoving into hope came from this
empowerment from God, because solong I had spent in this victim
and hopeless and voicelessplace that even in that, like
(27:13):
trusting the Lord to lead me toanother church, like I'm not
wrong, I'm not being bad, I'mnot just this unsubmissive woman
and this disgruntled personLike the Lord can empower me as
a woman, as a widow, to be thehead of my house.
He has now, like I can do thiswith him.
(27:34):
He's leading me, he can speakto me, I can hear from him.
You know he can lead me in allof these things and what that,
in this battle with my mind, inthis whole thing of moving
houses during that time and themarket was crazy and again I was
like I don't know anythingabout this Andre did all of
these things, and the Lord islike no daughter.
(27:55):
Here's your voice.
I invite you to speak.
Here is my power in you, I'mguiding you, I am with you.
We're doing this together, youdon't have to be afraid.
So with the Lord, that was justa huge piece for me of
rebuilding my life and into hope, because if it had been
dependent on having to have aman speak all the things over me
(28:18):
, or what they thought of me, orhaving a husband versus not all
of these things that had beentaken from me and lost, then I
was powerless and voiceless andhopeless.
But that's not where the Lordhas us, that's not His words,
it's not His truth, that's notthe kingdom that he gives to His
daughters.
And so, really, therevolutionization that happened
(28:41):
in my faith was the foundationto all of the other areas that I
needed to battle to move out ofthat pit and to receive this
place of hope, to be open to thepossibilities that were ahead
was there like a moment that youcan pinpoint where that hope
journey started, or was it justso gradual that it just sort of
(29:01):
suddenly became part of what youwere doing?
I.
I think for me it was both.
There was a daily battle andthat's the hard part about
whatever loss we've experienced.
Right, it's like, oh, it's thesame way tomorrow, after the
year mark of losing my husband Idon't know why, I thought it
was going to get easier orsomething.
It's like I've got to theanniversary of this and of his
(29:24):
birthday and of this and you getto the next year and you're
like, oh crap, I have to just dothat all again, like that was
just the first year.
So there is this ongoing dailyjourney is ordinary human life
grind, but infused into that wasall of these shifts that were
(29:45):
happening as I changed mythoughts and my feelings and my
actions.
But also the Lord gave me somevery specific things even
related to Hope, speaker, andwhat I'm doing now that were not
my own.
I was not in a state of mind toeven be thinking about hope or
my future, because he gave me avision.
(30:08):
I spent a lot of time at theplace where my late husband died
and initially it was again justa real, honest, raw, authentic
way that I grieved.
I wasn't afraid to look at it.
I'm like this is where thishappened.
I needed to process that and Ilooked it right in the face.
But it also became a dangerousplace for me as I became lower
(30:30):
and lower and struggled withbeing suicidal.
And so on the weekends I wouldhave some help from grandparents
with the kids, and there was atime they were all gone for an
overnight.
So I did what Andre did Iwalked barefoot the miles from
our home to where he had passedaway, did I walked barefoot the
miles from our home to where hehad passed away and I laid out
on the rocks.
(30:50):
It really was dangerous.
It's not smart to be out therein the middle of the night as a
female by yourself, but I wasjust in this place of grief and
I was laying on the rocks.
I was out there where he hadpassed away.
I think it was like at three inthe morning at this point and
again I wasn't sure if I wasgoing to.
This was not one of my attempts, but I was in that place of
(31:11):
like I'm not sure I want to gohome, you know, like I don't
know.
I don't know what's going tohappen.
And right in the middle of thatdarkness, the Lord gave me this
vision and I was standing onthis stage and I don't know how
to describe it with like Englishwords, but I was speaking hope.
It was so clear that I wasspeaking hope.
(31:32):
And as I looked, you know, as Isaw myself and looked out from
the stage to who I was talkingto, there was all of these
people, like lying in their owndark space, like I was, like
where I was.
There was all of these peoplewho were there and he told me
you know, he said you have tokeep going Like, you have to
keep living, you have to showthem how.
(31:53):
And you know, that night thatsaved me.
I got up and I walked home andit was something I held on to
and something he continued togive more clarity to and bring
things to life as I went.
So I know that he called me tosomething to help other people,
(32:14):
and I have to keep going back tothat whenever I struggle or in
the whole myriad of other thingsthat have been thrown at me
since that time, because it'snot like, oh, it just got easy
and yeah, and everything's goodnow, like there's been a lot of
challenges.
Even we were talking a littlebefore the podcast recording
about our health and the sixsurgeries I've had and with
(32:35):
complications andre-hospitalizations from my
health issues and in all of thedistress and illness.
Since widowhood which you knowresearch shows is very common in
these things it's not been easy.
Blending families, remarryingand blending families beautiful,
redemptive, joyful thing and sofreaking hard Like I, those of
(32:59):
us who have been in those placesunderstand to the rest of the
world it's like, oh, she was awidow and you know you have
people rooting for.
And they're like, oh, it's justso sad and oh, you've met
somebody and oh, I'm so happyfor you.
Like the story, like theproblem solved you know they
wanted a happy ending and for itto be over and it's like, oh
man, this whole journey ofremarriage and blending families
(33:21):
and how we navigate grief withone another and he came from
states away, moved here for me,you know, his child came as well
, and everybody figuring out whothey are to one another.
Even in the redemptions ofthose things, what landed us in
remarriage and blending was loss.
There wouldn't be remarriageand blending if there hadn't
(33:42):
first been brokenness.
Right, that he was never marriedand how that affected his child
and my nieces and nephews thatare mine and never knowing their
dad, and what they'veexperienced with my sister and
family, and then what they lostin their uncle daddy, my late
husband.
There's just so many pieces andparts to all of that that is
not just a cakewalk, and so Icontinue to hold on to the
(34:06):
calling and the visions and thethings that he's given me ahead.
When I doubt, um, or whenthings get hard, because we're
still fighting the good fightand finishing the race and
keeping the faith and that'sthat's what we do oh you're
doing so well, because that is abattle you can hear.
Claire (34:23):
I mean, there's just so much you've taken on and been
through in such a short periodof time in such a young life
that it's truly amazing.
And that's why it's lovely tospeak to people like you,
because it's so important, likeyou already know, to show people
that there is hope in thesesituations.
It's you know.
It's just so sad to think thatpeople get into those black
boxes and some of them don'tcome out again and it's
terrifying to think that that'sthe situation.
(34:44):
People are sitting therethinking that they're you know
they're alone, there is no hope.
It just breaks my heart.
So I just really want people tohear stories like this, to say
that you know it wasn't easy.
And that's the best bit aboutyour stories, I think, is that
you're very honest.
This hasn't been an easyjourney.
I didn't just get hopeovernight and suddenly I feel
amazing.
It's been really difficult.
But a large part of what youtalk about is your faith and I'm
(35:07):
heartbroken again that you'vehad such issues with the church.
But it's amazing testament toyour faith that it survived that
, because that would have put alot of people off God, not just
the church.
So you talk a lot to Christianwomen, which makes sense because
you connect with that faithelement and this is how we can
use our faith and this is whereour hope is based.
Really, how do you get yourmessage, or how would you spin
(35:27):
your message for people whohaven't got a faith, because
that can be really difficultwhen your hope is so interlinked
and that's something that'sreally been an anchor for you.
How do you do that?
Rachel Powell (35:36):
yeah.
So I guess what I would offeris this even if we don't share
the commonality of what webelieve happens beyond this life
, it's such an important thingto me because whatever we all do
here on this good fight andthis journey, it's oh so
(35:57):
temporary.
It doesn't feel that way always, but considering what is beyond
, but regardless of what we mayor may not share in that element
, I think the common offering ofhope that I would give to
believe.
Like you know, you havecircumstances.
It's like the head overarching.
You can't control those things.
(36:33):
None of us can.
But the most powerful thing isthat, even when people or things
are taking your power from you,you still have it.
I don't know if you ever heardthe phrase that life is 10% what
happens to you and 90% what youdo with it, or the fact that,
because we can't control any ofthese other things, what we
decide to do with it iseverything, and that's really
(36:55):
like.
That's the power of coaching,that is the power of owning our
own mind and our thoughts.
Again, our thoughts and ourfeelings lead to our actions and
our repeated actions.
Our habits create our lives.
That's what creates our results.
It creates where we're at, andso, even if we don't share the
(37:17):
common belief in what happenswhen we pass away or about God,
so much of our journey can beinfused with hope if we are
willing to let go and dispute,like I said, dispute and
challenge these thoughts thatdon't that are lacking, limiting
or based in lies.
(37:38):
If we just accept everythingwe're like no, because I really
think this and I really feelthis strong, and that's it, and
we take it like that blanketover ourselves and lay down
under it.
You know, if we're willing toconsider, who would I be without
that thought?
What would life look like ifthat weren't true?
Am I willing to consider that?
(37:58):
And if we're open, I believe sostrongly that so much of the
foundation of rebuilding and ofrebuilding like resilience, you
know, post-traumatic growth, allof these different ways that we
can talk about bringing hopeand life back into darkness and
death the foundation of that isyour willingness to be open to
(38:20):
those possibilities.
Because if you are closed downand you think I already know
where it's going, I already knowwhat my life looks like, I
already know and this is allthere is and this is what I have
and, like I said, maybe forother people, but not for me,
and you'll never see thosethings right.
You've closed all the doors.
So being open to hope is beingopen to all of the possibilities
(38:43):
and the abundance and thegoodness that's still here in
this life that are ahead of us.
Because they're there.
We may not be willing to look atit, we may not be willing to
believe in it and therefore wewon't receive it, but it didn't
mean it wasn't a possibility foryou, and so I would encourage
people, whatever they've beenthrough, whatever they're going
(39:06):
through, whatever is going to beahead, there is still goodness
ahead.
Like our story is not over yet,we're going to see more of the
Lord's goodness here as we live.
You know, whether that's wherewe see it coming from or not.
There's so much still ahead andtoday's reality is not your
(39:28):
forever reality.
Claire (39:30):
What would you say to someone?
I hear people say thissometimes and it's a sort of a
oh, I could never go throughthat.
I couldn't survive what you'vesurvived.
It seems like a common phrase.
What do you have to say topeople who are in that mindset?
Rachel Powell (39:42):
I couldn't either .
Clearly, I mean, if it hadn'tbeen for the Lord's intervention
, I wouldn't be here, and Ican't explain or answer why that
happened for me and not forAndre.
Like that goes into a wholenother set of why am I still
here and he wasn't?
But I would say, yeah, none ofus.
You know in biblical terms, ittalks about us receiving grace
(40:05):
when it's needed.
He gives us grace for whateverwe're in and we haven't received
all of that future grace yetbecause we're not there.
So, yeah, it's like he carriesus and gives us what we need
when we're there and we don'thave it yet.
It's unimaginable and for allof us who have been through
something challenging, which isreally every human on the planet
(40:25):
, when you're in those tragedies, wounds, heartaches, hard times
, you feel like I can't anddon't want to do this.
So it's not about whether,again, our thoughts, whether we
think we could or think wecouldn't, if we this or that or
the other.
It's believing that where weare right now, what we've been
(40:49):
through, whatever we will gothrough, we're going to have the
grace we need to fight thatgood fight, to finish that race,
to keep the faith through whatwe experience and relying on the
Lord, something outside of meand my limited human abilities
and capabilities, because I amnot able to carry the weight of
(41:10):
the world and things areoverwhelming to me.
But those things are also wherewe experience what I was
talking about earlier.
I think the depth of the humanresilience and the spirit and
the will to survive.
I mean that is just so profound.
Some of these stories of whatpeople have gone through and
(41:30):
endured and suffered and likethey just kept fighting to get
through it and survive, andwe're like we watch movies and
we read books and we're like,how would they?
And it's like, well, they'rereally just like you and survive
.
And we're like we watch moviesand we read books and we're like
, how would they?
And it was like, well, they'rereally just like you and me.
And they had to keep fightingfor that multiple times a day,
every minute, in some of thesehorrible, horrific things.
They kept choosing it, theykept fighting for it and that
(41:54):
possibility again is availablefor all of us too.
So, yeah, wherever we are goingto find ourselves in our
stories, beyond things that wecan even understand, somehow
that grace is still availableand offered.
And we see dimly now, we seethrough fog, but the Bible says
(42:15):
we're going to see clearly oneday.
Spiritual eyes are going to be.
It's going to be mind blowingwhen we can really get above the
fog and the thick of all ofwhat we're experiencing here.
But there's so much more to itthan our limited perspective and
it's so worthwhile to keepgoing.
Claire (42:34):
Do you ever think that?
Or do you come across peoplethat find that the idea of
adopting hope might give theimpression that they've kind of
got over it, that people think Ineed to get over the grief
before I find the hope stage.
Is that something you comeacross much?
Rachel Powell (42:47):
Yeah, yeah, and I relate to that in my deep
feeling.
Yeah, because I love Andre somuch, I didn't want people to
think I, in a sense, could everjust live life without him.
I mean, that was really thetheme behind my first attempt.
I was angry at God.
I wrote him a letter and I waslike, if you think that I can
(43:09):
just like I'm just going to getover this and move on and live
life without him like he wasn'tthat important to me, then maybe
I loved him more than you didand screw you.
And if I should just be able toget over him, then everybody
else can get over me.
Like that was like.
That was like some of the deepraw of where I was, you know, in
(43:30):
my first attempt.
So I can very much relate tothat sentiment.
However, one thing that I havelearned and experienced as I've
gone forward in grief is that,again, a lot of those beliefs
are lie-based.
Where I thought sitting in painand hopelessness was honoring
to him, that continuing tosuffer and grieve with pain,
(43:54):
like I believe suffering is painwithout hope is pain without
hope, and so I believe thatexperiencing that loss and
displaying that loss that waywas a way that I honored Him or
showed that I loved Him or thatI loved Him in and of myself.
When those things are, you know, that's not true, that's not
love.
Me giving up and rolling overand dying and having filled with
(44:19):
hate and anger toward the Lordand the despair of life and just
ending it after him is not, youknow.
I don't think in the depths ofour souls we really grasp that
and be like, oh, that was suchdeep love, because we know love
to be unconditional andsacrificial and this, all these
other beautiful things.
And so you know, what does itmean to love them and honor them
(44:42):
and remember them?
It's not to give up all hopeand light.
We carry them forward with us.
We build a life not hiding andnumbing and avoiding that
reality, but we incorporatethose losses into the life that
we build.
And I still get to talk aboutAndre and what he means to me
(45:05):
and the kind of person that hewas, and honor and remember and
love him, and I do that throughliving an abundant life still
and by still going, and so someof those feelings and thoughts
can really be rooted in thingsthat are not true.
We have these definitions ofwhat that means to love people
(45:27):
and honor them and to grieve,and I just don't, I no longer
subscribe to the belief thatthat comes through more
suffering upon ourselves andthat's really what's honoring
them.
You know, another thing theLord really gave me as a gift I
won't go into all of the details, but of having some clarity
(45:47):
about Andre and where he is nowand who he is.
I mean, it was most incrediblething he is.
He was sobered, like he sawwhat he did, without all of the
shroud and all of the chains andall of the blame and all of the
anger, but he was completelyforgiven and in the Lord's
(46:11):
presence and somehow he couldlook at what he had left behind
and all the things that we hadahead and look at us, all the
things that we had ahead, andlook at us and still have peace
and comfort, knowing God wasgoing to take care of us.
And I remember thinking, if hecan look at my life with hope,
then I can Like, if he can lookdown and see all of this stuff
(46:34):
very real and soberly and stillknow like the Lord has got you
and there is so much ahead, I'mlike then I can, if he can look
at it that way, seeing andknowing everything and with the
choices that were made, likesurely I can.
So we love and grieve and Ithink finding people who can be
(46:57):
empathetic and who can companionus in grief is really vital.
I mean we didn't talk aboutthat much, but it's really
really important to have safepeople that you can truly be
yourself and grieve with and notfind those grief communities I
was talking about where you justanchor in.
These beliefs that we have ofthis is not fair.
You know, all of thesedifferent things that we hold to
(47:20):
again, that are really mindsetthings that are shaping our
entire lives, this is not fair.
I should never lose a spouse,parents should never die before
their children, all you know allof these things that it's like,
oh, yeah, that feels and seemsso true and I can just hold on
to that, and oh about my lifeand where I'm at, and it's like
(47:43):
again, where would I be withoutthat thought?
Is that really true?
Where does that lead you to?
What would happen if we werewilling to open our hands a
little bit, to surrender some ofthese thoughts and feelings
that aren't really rooted inreality, that are really hard to
let go?
Aren't really rooted in realitythat are really hard to let go.
So we can do both have peoplecome alongside and have times of
(48:04):
real.
I still have times and momentsI'm like, okay, I need to grieve
this.
This is hitting me hard and nowI know who my safe people are
to go to and being open andconnected with other people who
aren't just going to defendgrief and defend how miserable
our lives are now and not seewidowhood as a curse but as a
(48:26):
calling and um that it changeseverything.
I think both are.
Both are important if we'reopen to that forward movement of
grief.
Claire (48:35):
Both are there yeah, and , like you said, so, so
important to have the rightpeople around that can help you
and give you the freedom to dothat and not sort of pull you in
another direction.
Looking forward to the future,how do you feel now about things
?
Because it could be very easyfor you to fear going through
the same loss again, havingremarried.
So what does that look like?
And how does that marry up withhope?
(48:56):
It's funny.
Rachel Powell (48:59):
I found a meme back in my early widowhood and
again it's not a true thing butit's a humorous.
It was like a stick figuretrying to build a card tower and
they're like about to lay thosetop two together and it says me
trying to find happiness againin my life.
And then there was anotherstick figure like swinging on
(49:19):
this demolition ball that sayslife circumstances you know,
like about to come in and wreckeverything that you just have
built again.
And I remember just likeresonating with how I was like
because, yeah, when youexperience pain, sometimes the
deeper it is, the more yourealize how out of control, like
you don't have control overthese things.
(49:42):
And so that again I found peacein, and only in, a posture of
surrender.
It is very scary.
Like I've had that thoughtagain like, oh my gosh, I've
married Mike, I have thiswonderful person, and I have
this very, very real realizationthat creeps up into my mind at
different times, like layingthere with my head on his chest
(50:03):
and hearing his heart beating,like I remember that with Andre
right, your heart beating andyour heart beating.
And I remember, a decade ago ormore, being like, oh my gosh,
one day, like Andre's heart isgoing to stop beating.
I don't know if mine will first, but like we're not always
going to be here like this, andthat was so like hard, so hard
(50:24):
to even grasp, and how, evenmore.
Now I'm like, uh, you know,like yeah, it's scary, but again
, if I have a posture ofsurrender with my hands open
about this, this life and whatthe Lord has, it allows that
realization of tragedy and lossand how I don't have control and
(50:48):
really the reality of deathwhereby every one of us is
slowly has everything siphonedfrom us other people, our health
, our belongings.
I mean, if you're depending onwhere you fall, in line with
everybody you're going to,everybody loses everything.
And that is where I find thefoundational hope of Jesus
(51:09):
Christ as the resurrection,because I'm not afraid to look
at the reality of death and Ihave also seen and experienced
what a resurrection hope isunder the rubble, when my whole
life is blown up and it's likeyou're sifting through pieces
and brokenness and somehowthere's still this foundation of
(51:29):
hope.
That's where I found thedeepest hope of what cannot be
taken from me, what I cannotlose.
And if I am surrendered in aposture of surrender, then even
as I lose people and things andhave these health struggles and
the stuff that is so valid andso sucky and so hard, it can
transform that moment Like withme laying on Mike's chest and
(51:53):
hearing his heart from panic andfear to like I'm going to lose
this and I'm going to and it'sall going to end and to being
able to soak in the joys and theabundance of this moment, of
this day.
That's all that I have.
I can get all caught up inwhatever, but I'm like, I can
(52:15):
enjoy, like man.
I'm so thankful to have you.
I am going to absorb thegratitude is just emanating from
me and I'm going to absorb thelove and the joy that I feel in
this moment of being with youbecause I have you right now and
this moment with my kids.
The toothpaste in the sink I wasthinking of this the other day.
I'm like, oh my gosh, does itclean all of the spit and
(52:36):
toothpaste in this sink?
Again, like this grimy thingthat we've talked about.
And you have the realizationlike they're not always going to
be here.
You know, hopefully not passingaway oh my gosh, hopefully, but
I mean again or them moving out.
But I'm like, okay, I'm going tolook at this toothpaste in the
sink different, because one daythe sink's going to be clean and
(52:57):
it's going to be quiet aroundhere, and so for today, and
there'll be other things for meto find, to enjoy that day and
that day, and in the peace andin the rest and in the whatever
else.
But, like these things, ifwe're in a posture of surrender
the reality, looking at ithonestly, allow us to live our
life here and our days and ourmoments, I believe, so much more
(53:20):
fully and with gratitude andwith hope, because we're really
present and honest and lookingat reality enough to soak it all
in and absorb it, instead ofliving in avoiding and denial or
with blinders on and not evenrealizing what we're seeing, so
we're missing it.
So that's, that's what I wouldsay.
Claire (53:42):
The older I get and the more I do on the podcast, the
more I see the value in thebiblical idea of like, only just
worrying about today, like,don't look at tomorrow.
There's enough trouble in eachday and I think, yeah, so much
of our worry, our anxiety, ourfrustration is when we project
into the future.
What if this happens?
What if that happens?
What is this?
(54:04):
But just to be able to live inthe day and I think that's a
perfect example of what you'resaying just you know, feeling
that gratitude for the day andwhat you have now.
It's huge, not easy, you know.
Like you said, it's a massivemindset change and you've really
got to work at that sometimes.
But if you can get there, whatan amazing way to feel.
For anyone before I ask thetour question for anyone that
might be out there that's justlike, oh, I want to be where she
is.
Like I've been in the bad bitand I feel like I'm still there.
What would you say is like agood first step towards trying
(54:27):
to just find a bit more hope.
Rachel Powell (54:31):
I would suggest that they examine their own
openness to that possibility andan open posture Again, open
hands of surrender too, but anopenness to receiving can really
make a huge difference becausefrom that posture any of the
actions and things we take willhave a place to land.
(54:52):
We will be more likely to bedrawn to the things that are
going to help bring deeperhealing and rebuilding.
I mean, there's a millionthings that I could say.
I think having safe people whoreally can companion you is
critical.
I think that bringing healingto our wounds where we need it
whether that's throughcounseling, therapy, other
(55:15):
modalities, coaching can betremendously helpful.
But it all starts really with anopenness to examine our own
mind and our own thoughts and bewilling to receive that.
There is an abundanthope-filled future ahead of me.
There is still goodness aheadof me.
(55:36):
Whatever that looks like, I'mgoing to be open to that.
Even and hopefully, if it is alife full of these moments of
deep gratitude, right wherever Ilay my head, man, a life that's
built on days that are thatover and over again, that is a
life worth living.
Claire (55:52):
Brilliant.
Thank you so much for sharingeverything and for fighting the
fight that you're fighting aswell, because if people like you
didn't go through this and thenfight and talk about hope, then
you know the world would be amuch darker place.
So thank you for fighting thatfight to help others, because I
think that's so important.
So for my last question aboutmy metaphorical toolshed, if
hope was a tool to help peoplein their grief or get through
(56:15):
grief, or maybe even prepare forgrief, I don't know what kind
of tool do you think it would be?
Rachel Powell (56:19):
Okay, so I may be off on this question.
You might have to go give methe buzzer and be like that
doesn't count, but this isreally what I think.
I think it might not be atraditional tool, but in the
idea of a garden tool shed, Ithink if you went in there for
your garden, hope would be thebag of miracle grow plant.
It is what, what you are goingto put your do the work of
(56:43):
tilling into the soil of whereyou live and breathe and what
you think, and and so, whateverthe outside circumstances are
whether the rain or sunshine orelements are all cooperating
with being ideal or not that'sgoing to feed, feed growth right
from the roots up.
I think it just it is likeinfusing hope into our lives is
(57:07):
really what makes us grow andnot stay stagnant and stuck and
withering away.
So that would be my thought.
Claire (57:15):
Miracle grow Amazing.
I think we can all agree thatnow and then we need a little
miracle to keep us going.
Sometimes we all want more thanjust surviving in life.
We want to thrive, and I oftenwish there was a Miracle-Gro
tablet that I could take forthat very feeling.
But for now, I'm thrilled toadd this new addition to my
ever-growing metaphorical shed,which is filling up with so many
meaningful and unexpectedtreasures.
(57:37):
If you want to find out moreabout Rachel, head over to www.
hopespeaker.
com, and she's also shared alink with me to resources on her
website, including a newlywidowed checklist for navigating
the financial, practical,emotional and relational
challenges after loss and aselection of prayers for widows,
both written and in audioformat, so you can listen and
reflect as needed.
(57:57):
These and all her other hoperesources can be found in the
link in the show notes.
Rachel, thank you so much forthis conversation.
I know it will be a hugeblessing to so many people and
I'm so grateful that you'vechosen to turn your pain into
purpose, helping others findhope through their own grief.
If you'd like to find out moreabout me and my husband, Chris,
and our story of infertility,childlessness or anything else
(58:19):
that we do, including myhandmade grief companions that
you can buy.
Hermans.
Visit www.
thesilentwhy.
com.
This podcast remains ad-freethanks to the generous support
of some wonderful listeners.
If you'd like to help keep itrunning, you can treat me to a
fancy tea at www.
buymeacoffee.
com/ thesilentwhy either as aone-off or through monthly
support.
And, of course, another way tosupport the podcast is buying a
(58:41):
Herman.
These are small crocheted griefcompanions that I make by hand.
They're a lasting and personalalternative to flowers, a
comforting gift for someonewho's experiencing loss or in a
gentle way if you just want toshow someone you care because
words are falling short.
You can find out more aboutthat at www.
thehermancompany.
com.
As always, all the links willbe in the show notes.
Thank you for listening and,wherever you are today, I hope
(59:04):
something in this episode helpsyou grow a little bit more hope
of your own.
If you've got a subject you'dlike me to chat to an expert on,
please get in touch via oursocial media or the website, or
via email, thesilentwhy@ gmail.
com, and let's chat.
Hello there and thank you for joining me for another
episode of Let's Chat on TheSilent Why.
I'm Claire Sandys and throughthis podcast, we're exploring
how and where we can find hopethrough grief and loss.
In these Let's Chat episodes, Ichat to a guest who brings
either personal experience orprofessional experience into a
specific area of loss.
Together, we're building what Ilike to call a metaphorical
(00:22):
toolshed a growing collection ofinsights, stories and practical
tools to help us prepare for ornavigate life's inevitable
losses.
In this episode, I'm talking toRachel Powell.
In Colorado, she's a life coach, speaker, author and founder of
Hope Speaker, where shesupports Christian widows in
moving from a place ofhopelessness and loneliness to
(00:43):
one of healing, support andconfident steps forward.
Rachel lost her husband, Andre,to suicide in June 2019.
She was left raising fourchildren, their two-year-old
daughter and three of herbiological nieces and nephew,
which she and Andre wereparenting together.
In this conversation, rachelopens up about the deep and
complex emotions that followed,the guilt and shame when blame
(01:06):
was directed at her, thereactions she faced when setting
boundaries and the darknessthat led her to attempt to take
her own life.
We also talk about what it tookfor her to reclaim her mind and
find hope again, including thewarrior mindset that helped keep
her going, the challenges andblessings of a blended family
life now she's remarried, andwhy she now speaks so
passionately about hope.
Rachel's faith has been a bigpart of her healing and, while
(01:29):
we don't often delve intoreligion on this podcast, I
think it's important to see thedifferent ways people find hope
in grief.
This episode is a powerfulreminder that believing in God
certainly doesn't make life anyeasier or mean that you get to
avoid the hard stuff, but it canbe a vital part of someone's
journey through loss.
I'm really excited for you tohear this conversation.
Rachel offers wisdom andencouragement for all of us,
(01:52):
whether you've experiencedpartner loss or are just simply
wondering what that journeymight look like.
And, of course, I'll be askingRachel what tool she wants to
add to my metaphorical tool shed, so grab a hot drink or a cold
drink, depending what you're inthe mood for.
Tool shed so grab a hot drinkor a cold drink, depending what
you're in the mood for.
Rachel Powell (02:08):
And relax with me and Rachel as we chat about
finding hope as a widow.
Well, my name is Rachel Powelland I am here doing a completely
different life than I thought Iwould be doing.
I'm supposed to be or I thoughtI was supposed to be a nurse
and a homeschool mom, andcontinuing that life, and, after
losing my late husband bysuicide and struggling and
(02:30):
attempting myself, my days arenow spent with my business Hope
Speaker to reach other peoplestruggling with hope.
Particularly, I coach Christianwidows and I'm a speaker and
author and a strong suicideprevention advocate.
So that's what my world lookslike and my days at the
beginning of summer.
Here I have five children in ablended family.
(02:51):
I remarried a couple of yearsago and so right now, the new
normal is figuring out thesummer routine, especially with
little ones, and how to work andhave time with them and have
everyone at home all at the sametime.
You've got a lot going on there.
Yep, it's a lot.
Hands full of blessings, I liketo say.
(03:12):
I remind myself my hands arefull of blessings.
Claire (03:15):
So before we move on to hope, which I know is a really
subject that's close to both ourhearts just tell us a bit about
the chapter before that,because you haven't always been
this amazing, hopeful personthat was just born that way and
life's been amazing.
You've been through a lot oflosses and griefs which have
helped kind of lead you towardsthis path of hope.
Rachel Powell (03:35):
So tell us a bit about what your experience is,
what kind of loss and griefyou've had to face.
You know, what's interestingabout that is in these recent
years of really digging into myown healing and doing therapy
and coaching and things myself Ihave found.
You know, I thought my lifestory was pretty normal and then
tragedy when I lost my husbandby suicide.
But I think the more work thatI do, the more that I uncover
(03:56):
and realize other themes andparts of my story.
I experienced abuse ofdifferent forms in my childhood
and significant familydysfunction that created a lot
of losses.
You know, three of my four aremy nieces and nephew
biologically that I raisedbecause we've had a lot of
(04:18):
struggles within the family andso my sister's kids have always
been with me and the familydynamics around that.
There's a lot of beauty andredemption but there's a lot of
struggle and heartache andlosses really that have come
along with all of those things.
So there's been more to mystory that I think I have just
thought was normal.
That really wasn't.
(04:39):
I do the deeper work.
I connect the things that Ihave worked through in trauma
and loss with my late husband toreally being connected in some
of these themes before and nothaving a voice, not knowing the
empowerment that I have now, asI've grown up, as I've dealt
with my family of origin, eventhrough some of the spiritual
(05:01):
abuse that occurred in mymarriage, as my late husband
just spiraled downward, reallybecame someone else in that last
year of life, someone differentthan he had ever been, and
navigating the dynamics of abusewithin my marriage, which was
totally uncharacteristic andbizarre, and also the very
(05:22):
complicated piece of how thatfit into our church background
and how they sided with thehusband as the head of house and
encouraged me to submit andsubmit and really took his side
as things were spiraling downand I was crying out for help.
And we lost him by suicide inJune of 2019.
(05:43):
And so there's been a bunch ofdifferent pieces that have been
part of my story and thedynamics, things that happened
in that church after he passedaway until I had the clarity and
the courage to leave and find anew church home.
So there's been differentlosses and woundings and things
along the way, woundings andthings along the way.
But when I lost Andre bysuicide as is common with
(06:08):
suicide loss I struggled with atremendous amount of guilt and
shame, especially because he wasso angry at me for beginning to
set boundaries, as I waslearning my voice and having my
own counselor and having someclarity, despite what he and the
pastors were saying at thattime, I carried even more of
(06:30):
feeling that it was my faultbecause there were some
statements made that he directedblame my direction.
And so, in the overwhelm ofthat, of the darkness of what he
had been going through, thisperson that was incredible, that
I loved with all of me.
Andre and I grew up together.
I mean we met at I think wewere 16 or 17, maybe even 15,
(06:52):
high school youth group.
We married at 19, you know,really grew up together, went to
university, through all of ourschooling, through the raising
of these children that we hadnot biologically but that
entered this world and enteredour home until we had our own
biological one as well.
She was a couple days away frombeing two when he passed.
(07:14):
So in the aftermath I had thesefour children, still
complicated family dynamics.
We went into the pandemic.
I really blamed myself for hisloss.
I continued to have struggleswith the church, feeling that I
had been out of line andquestioning my character, even
despite it being revealed howextreme things were and so I was
(07:35):
in such a dark place that Ialso, even while being a strong
suicide prevention advocate fromthe beginning, I also began to
understand the other side ofsuicide and what it is to
struggle with pain that feelsunbearable and feeling like you
can't keep going.
And I ended up attempting twicein my own pain in those first
(07:59):
years and struggled veryintensely with hopelessness and
with darkness.
And so that is why hope and theredemption and rebuilding a
life that it can love again issuch a part of my heart, because
I truly get rock bottom and Iwant people to know that they
(08:20):
can rebuild a life that they canlove again, and that there is
always hope and is strong andreal and raw as the struggle
with suicide is.
I believe, because I'veexperienced in our humanness
there is also this unbelievableresilience, like a fight and a
(08:42):
will to survive.
I mean, people have enduredsome of the most unbelievable
things.
We know incredible stories andthat, I believe, is in all of us
, and it's even deeper than thedeepest darkness, and so my
story involves both.
Claire (08:59):
Gosh, there are so many losses there.
I mean, on paper you can boilit down to the death of your
husband and the obvious things.
But then on this podcast,having looked at so many
different ones, I know there'sgoing to be a massive list of
things there that you've lost,even including things like trust
and all those kinds of things.
Have you ever had to break downthe sort of losses you've been
through to deal with them, orhave you dealt with your story
(09:19):
sort of more as a whole?
Rachel Powell (09:25):
No, there's been a lot of work that's gone into
that.
So I have been involved indoing counseling.
I started sometime after wewere married and then off and on
through the years, and thatlast year of his life and then
when he passed away, I didcounseling every single week for
the first five years, I believe, and then went bi-weekly and,
like I mentioned, got intocoaching and things as well.
(09:47):
So I have always been one.
I'm like an Enneagram for areally deep feeler.
I'm not afraid of the heart andthe melancholy and the grief
and I'm very much interested ingrowth and I don't necessarily
agree with the terminology butwhat you might say is a
self-help category at abookstore or something.
Because, continuing to expand myown mind and heart and see a
(10:13):
little bit outside of the kindof binocular view, we can get
this myopic view of our liveswhere we rely on the thoughts
that we think and the feelingsthat we feel and take them as
full truth and they create ourreality and they're often, you
know, not a real reflection ofwhat's actually possible and
true.
And so that's been.
(10:33):
A lot of my work is digginginto my losses, my wounds,
trying to bring appropriatehealing to those wounded places
and to grow my own mindset, tomanage my own mind, my thoughts,
my feelings that are creatingmy actions, that you know,
(10:53):
therefore, my results and myreality.
I'm always been very into that,especially in these years after
losing him.
So it's been part of the road.
It's been messy and long andit's not done yet, and I'm okay
with that.
I don't ever want to stopgrowing and instead of reacting
out of things that create who Iam and how I respond to people,
(11:14):
and just not even being aware ofwhat that all is and where it's
coming from, yeah, am I rightin thinking that for the
Enneagram 4, it's quite hard toget out of those emotions?
Yes, so that's the good and thebad is I went right into the
deep end of grief.
I mean, I just like dove rightoff the diving board and went to
the bottom.
Yeah, so I didn't, you know,try to numb and check out.
(11:38):
I wasn't about to deny thereality I was in or try to tuck
what happened or Andre awaysomewhere.
But one of the pitfalls, yeah,is getting stuck in it and that
can contribute to those placesof hopelessness and grief.
And I really believe, throughmy own experience and through
being connected with so manyother grievers and particularly
(11:59):
widows and the work that I do.
Now, you know, in grief there isthis I don't even know if I
want to say a fine line, butthere's this there's a gray area
between being very authenticabout our grief, which is so
important, and I'm very againwanting to be authentic and
honest and real type of personabout our grief and what we
(12:20):
experience and naming our lossesand all those things being
really valid.
But also, where we can get sodefensive about our own grief,
we hold on to it and we getreally angry at other people who
don't understand and do thethings that we've been through,
and we can hold on to theseagain lie-based beliefs,
(12:43):
limiting beliefs that like well,my life's just over, like maybe
hope is available for otherpeople but not me and what I've
been through, or I don't evenwant to really find an abundant
life again because I've lostthis person or these things and
now I'm just biding time untilit's my time to go to.
You know, I've connected withwhatever these beliefs are and a
(13:06):
lot of different people andrealizing this grief space.
It's so important to bevalidated and to find empathy.
But if we set up camp to like,live in the valley of the shadow
of death, I believe that griefalso has a forward movement.
It's not about moving on ordisregarding things, but if we
(13:26):
don't have the forward movementin our grief, then we just get
stuck there.
And so, yeah, that wasdefinitely part of my battle and
probably why I can relate topeople who experience those
things so deeply as well,because I've been there.
I didn't just jump to hope andI'm like, okay, everybody come
along.
Like it's not, it's not thatbig of a deal.
(13:47):
I get how heavy and how majorthese things are.
Claire (13:52):
Tell us a bit about what sort of hopelessness looked
like for you.
What does that feel like to bein that place of just extreme
grief and not be able to seehope?
Rachel Powell (13:59):
For me.
I was so overwhelmed, claire, Iwas just.
I was still in shock about whathad happened, again, blaming
myself, navigating the struggleswith people in the church.
It gets even more complicatedwhen the people that are kind of
your lifeline and your support,was the community.
I had to end up leaving Becausethen I felt even more bereft of
(14:22):
everything and even more lost.
It's like so much has changed.
You lose relationships.
I need the help.
I'm overwhelmed to have thesefour children.
We went into the COVID pandemicnot long after you know the
whole world just went inside,like themselves and their own
households and their own toiletpaper, and I'm like I'm drowned,
you know, like you're drowning.
(14:42):
So navigating all of thosethings just felt so heavy and
overwhelming.
I really struggled to findbelief that life would ever be
good again.
The days felt so dark.
The children were strugglingwith their own grief and with
the four of them.
And again, family dynamics Iwas still navigating, but now
(15:03):
alone of them.
And again, family dynamics Iwas still navigating, but now
alone.
My mind was dark.
My thoughts and what I wasspeaking over my life and what I
could see was all dark, a lotof pain, and I could actually
feel it physically in my body.
I mean there were times when Iwas really really low.
I think one was before my firstattempt.
(15:24):
The older couple of kids musthave been somewhere, because I
remember the two little ones.
I mean I like barely had theenergy One day.
I like took strawberries out ofthe fridge and I was like
laying on the floor to like pushsome strawberries their
direction unwashed, which againisn't like me.
I'm like, oh, trying to do allthe things and be the best mom.
I was like didn't even have theenergy.
(15:45):
It was like here's some food,like I have to.
I was just laying on the floorthinking about ways of taking my
own life and I couldn't evenget out of the thoughts.
The physical weight of it, oneof the things and I know people
have different opinions aboutmedications and things, just
real, briefly on that and mentalhealth, it's so complex there
(16:08):
can't possibly be just a simple,single answer, because I do
believe that a lot of our woundsand so for people it can be
very valid to have medicationsthat can help with that.
But again, that's really not aforever solution because
(16:31):
whatever is causing that isstill not being treated right.
We're still you're alwaysaddressing the symptom.
The idea of anti-depression,anti-anxiety, of just trying to
flip the symptom around whenthere's something deeper causing
that that has to be addressed,is important.
But in the same breath, I wouldsay I found it so helpful.
(16:57):
I really had to come to a placeof humility.
For whatever reason, I was veryclosed off to the thought of
taking medication, which isinteresting considering I'd been
a registered nurse for years.
Before I started my business.
I was at the 14 years of beinga nurse.
So the irony of that, that,probably the pride I just I
remember even saying to myselfat one point I would rather take
(17:19):
my life before I would takemedication.
And it's like, why, like, wheredoes that come from?
Again, like these things thathad to be worked through.
But when I finally did, youknow it was like a little life
preserver for a time when Icould accept this isn't a
forever thing, this is to helpme in this storm, and that's
(17:40):
okay.
I have to say I literally feltthat and you know you start with
like half of this teeny tablet,the lowest dose.
I didn't take any crazy dosesof anything and I only had that
one medication, but I used to goin my closet and I would feel
the weight.
I also.
My mind was in a fog.
I realized I couldn't figureout why I was being late all the
(18:01):
time.
Like you know, there'sobviously a's obviously a lot
going on with kids.
But when I had the sense toagain zoom out a little bit, I
realized I was spending 20minutes standing in my closet.
I would go in there to getdressed and I couldn't decide
what to wear, and not in a waythat you're really thinking
about it.
I would space out and, like youknow, be dissociate.
(18:23):
I would stand in there and Ifelt this weight.
That's why sometimes I wouldjust be laying on the floor.
After I put the kids to bed, Iwould lay on the floor in my
closet.
It was so heavy.
And after I started thatmedication I felt that like for
me it was the next day like itfelt like about 50 pounds had
been taken off of my shoulders.
It was just like wow, that'slike incredible to me.
(18:46):
I'm a very active person.
I lift weights.
I know like what weights andthings feel like.
I'm like it is like a weighthas lifted off of me.
It didn't fix everything andagain, I still ended up
attempting.
I mean I struggled but it was ahelp and so that's kind of what
hopelessness and grief anddarkness looked and felt like to
me.
It was mental, it was in what Icould see, how I saw my life,
(19:10):
the words I spoke about myselfand my future, and very much
physically what I was feelingbecause we carry it in our
bodies.
Claire (19:18):
Definitely no.
I totally understand that I'vehad some hormone issues and it's
affected my mental health andit took me a long time to want
to say that because I didn'treally believe I guess I would
be someone that would have that.
You know I'm very, again,sympathetic to other people,
totally believe.
You know it's a big thing, alot of people struggle with it.
But I had no idea until I wentthrough it what I actually
thought about it and I kind ofthought maybe that if you're
(19:39):
strong enough you can beat thosecan't?
Um, and it's very eye-opening.
You just don't realize thatstuff about yourself until you
actually you actually get there.
So you've got this situationwith the hopelessness, and I
think it's something that a lotof women especially I don't know
if it's the same with men maybeyou know they sort of fear this
.
I've heard friends talk aboutthe fear of losing their partner
, losing their husband, becauseit does feel like everything
(20:02):
changes instantly.
It's such a big loss.
But you have reached a pointnow where you can say and talk
about hope.
So tell us how you got fromthat place of hopelessness to
believing in hope and kind ofbeing where you are today really
.
Rachel Powell (20:15):
Well, for me it was not a switch or something
that just changed.
It was a battle.
I mean, it was really a battleand I know people don't like to
necessarily think of things thatway or see our lives this way,
but I think sometimes we'rewalking around in like slippers
and a bath robe and we're likereally confused and we're like
(20:37):
floating down the river orsomething, and when all these
terrible things happen or youlike get hit with a bullet, you
were like what is happening?
Like we don't see the fact thatthis life is not vacation and
easy.
You know, I believe that we'rein a battle.
I believe, because of my faith,that there's a battle between
light and darkness and all ofthose things Also spiritually,
(21:00):
the darkness I didn't talk aboutthat much, but it was a part of
it.
So it really was.
It was a fight.
You know, in my arm I have 2Timothy 4, 7 tattooed.
It was my late husband'shandwriting.
He had written this in a letterand it reminds me fight the
good fight, finish the race,keep the faith.
(21:20):
And I put that in front of mebecause that's really kind of
what the road to hope was for me.
It was fighting this good fight, believing again, believing
that it was a good fight, thatit was worth while, that there
was goodness ahead of me.
And to finish this race, tokeep the faith in the midst of
all of the things I really hadto do, whatever it took for me
(21:46):
to survive and I like I say thatto people all the time I'm like
you are worth whatever resourceis needed, whatever time,
whatever money, whatever effortand energy to stay alive and to
heal, because I just was in thisgrind of like this is just how
life is now.
(22:06):
I'm busy, like I'm trying tokeep myself and all these kids
afloat, and there's all of thesethings and that's all valid and
true, but we can use thosethings as excuses to keep us
from the things that we reallyneed to do to get out of these
rising waters that are going todrown us, and we just kind of
sit there until we're overcomeeven more and not make some of
(22:27):
the changes that we need to make.
So for me, mentally and mythoughts, I really I had a shift
around suicidal thoughts andthings.
I talk about it in a few spaces, but it's what I like to call
the black box of suicide.
It's this place in our mindwhere that goes from.
Something like I would never doyou know, none of us is born in
(22:49):
this world thinking like you're, like a kid, you love life, you
know, you're full of zeal forthat.
It's like I would never oh mygosh, you hear something like
that.
Kids can't even understand.
Like I would never do that.
That's so sad in this place.
Somehow, though, it goes from ashock and horrific thing to
thoughts that you think about,to a possibility, to a solution,
(23:14):
to my only way out, my onlysolution.
It's in this place that thatchange happens in a person's
mind and a person's being tobring them to that place, and I
realized that any time I spententertaining those thoughts,
thinking about them, consideringit, sitting in that deep, sad,
(23:37):
really self-pity place of woe isme and my life is over and it's
never going to be good againthe same way.
And he's gone and I, I, youknow all of these things, um, in
that box.
It's like that's where thatvery steep slide is dug and like
lubricated, and you think youcan go in that space and come
(23:59):
out again, like it's acompartment.
I can think about thesethoughts and entertain.
Oh, okay, now I'm out and I'mliving life and but that's how
people both plan to die and planto live at the same time.
And it's confusing to everyoneelse who's left behind, because
when you're triggered or in aplace of something happening,
you go into that box and youslide right down that slippery
(24:20):
slope that you've dug foryourself, you and the enemy, and
lubricated up and you don'thave control anymore.
So, managing my mind and mythoughts and really coming to a
place again, a battle mindset oflike, when these thoughts knock
at the door, you know thehopeless things, the anything
(24:41):
about suicide, considering that,thinking about ways, thinking
about how this isn't worth it orit would be better, or I'm a
burden to people or any of it,to take that thought captive and
rebuke that like I'm going todispute and challenge and wage
war on these thoughts instead ofwhat I could do, which is
taking it like a blanket overmyself and laying down in the
(25:03):
fetal position and just beinglike, oh yep, it's so bad and
it's so hard.
I really had to have a warriormindset in my own mind because I
was in danger by myself and soin my mind, my life making
really hard changes, like I said.
(25:24):
I mean we had been part of thatchurch for I think about 15
years at that point and whensome of these things continued
to go on, that were just wrong,the things that my husband in
his sickness, the anger and theblame toward me and my
boundaries and how I wasunsubmissive, and they just kind
of took up the same words andthe same mindset and carried it
(25:48):
forward with me, treating methat way and being concerned
about my character and pullingme from worship and all of these
things after he had passed awayand it was like it was a place
that was making me really sickand keeping me in a dark place
to have that over my head andcontinued blame and suspicion
and the assumption of badmotives when I was like trying
(26:09):
to survive and trying to get ushelp.
So making those changes wassomething to the really hard
changes when that had been ourcommunity, that that was our
support system.
You know it was.
It was a really brave,significant thing in the COVID
pandemic for me to take my kidswhen we all had to have masks,
(26:29):
including the little one who waswhat like two at that point
keep this mask on, manage themand their behaviors and their
fighting and their grief and goto a new church all by myself
and sit with masks in the pewsand try to see what I could see
of other churches in a timewhere every church looked
different was trying to figurethings out and really the
(26:52):
biggest thing of all I think Imean there's mental things,
there's tangible things.
We moved houses.
I needed a healing space, likethere's practical things about
it, but for me the crux ofmoving into hope came from this
empowerment from God, because solong I had spent in this victim
and hopeless and voicelessplace that even in that, like
(27:13):
trusting the Lord to lead me toanother church, like I'm not
wrong, I'm not being bad, I'mnot just this unsubmissive woman
and this disgruntled personLike the Lord can empower me as
a woman, as a widow, to be thehead of my house.
He has now, like I can do thiswith him.
(27:34):
He's leading me, he can speakto me, I can hear from him.
You know he can lead me in allof these things and what that,
in this battle with my mind, inthis whole thing of moving
houses during that time and themarket was crazy and again I was
like I don't know anythingabout this Andre did all of
these things, and the Lord islike no daughter.
(27:55):
Here's your voice.
I invite you to speak.
Here is my power in you, I'mguiding you, I am with you.
We're doing this together, youdon't have to be afraid.
So with the Lord, that was justa huge piece for me of
rebuilding my life and into hope, because if it had been
dependent on having to have aman speak all the things over me
(28:18):
, or what they thought of me, orhaving a husband versus not all
of these things that had beentaken from me and lost, then I
was powerless and voiceless andhopeless.
But that's not where the Lordhas us, that's not His words,
it's not His truth, that's notthe kingdom that he gives to His
daughters.
And so, really, therevolutionization that happened
(28:41):
in my faith was the foundationto all of the other areas that I
needed to battle to move out ofthat pit and to receive this
place of hope, to be open to thepossibilities that were ahead
was there like a moment that youcan pinpoint where that hope
journey started, or was it justso gradual that it just sort of
(29:01):
suddenly became part of what youwere doing?
I.
I think for me it was both.
There was a daily battle andthat's the hard part about
whatever loss we've experienced.
Right, it's like, oh, it's thesame way tomorrow, after the
year mark of losing my husband Idon't know why, I thought it
was going to get easier orsomething.
It's like I've got to theanniversary of this and of his
(29:24):
birthday and of this and you getto the next year and you're
like, oh crap, I have to just dothat all again, like that was
just the first year.
So there is this ongoing dailyjourney is ordinary human life
grind, but infused into that wasall of these shifts that were
(29:45):
happening as I changed mythoughts and my feelings and my
actions.
But also the Lord gave me somevery specific things even
related to Hope, speaker, andwhat I'm doing now that were not
my own.
I was not in a state of mind toeven be thinking about hope or
my future, because he gave me avision.
(30:08):
I spent a lot of time at theplace where my late husband died
and initially it was again justa real, honest, raw, authentic
way that I grieved.
I wasn't afraid to look at it.
I'm like this is where thishappened.
I needed to process that and Ilooked it right in the face.
But it also became a dangerousplace for me as I became lower
(30:30):
and lower and struggled withbeing suicidal.
And so on the weekends I wouldhave some help from grandparents
with the kids, and there was atime they were all gone for an
overnight.
So I did what Andre did Iwalked barefoot the miles from
our home to where he had passedaway, did I walked barefoot the
miles from our home to where hehad passed away and I laid out
on the rocks.
(30:50):
It really was dangerous.
It's not smart to be out therein the middle of the night as a
female by yourself, but I wasjust in this place of grief and
I was laying on the rocks.
I was out there where he hadpassed away.
I think it was like at three inthe morning at this point and
again I wasn't sure if I wasgoing to.
This was not one of my attempts, but I was in that place of
(31:11):
like I'm not sure I want to gohome, you know, like I don't
know.
I don't know what's going tohappen.
And right in the middle of thatdarkness, the Lord gave me this
vision and I was standing onthis stage and I don't know how
to describe it with like Englishwords, but I was speaking hope.
It was so clear that I wasspeaking hope.
(31:32):
And as I looked, you know, as Isaw myself and looked out from
the stage to who I was talkingto, there was all of these
people, like lying in their owndark space, like I was, like
where I was.
There was all of these peoplewho were there and he told me
you know, he said you have tokeep going Like, you have to
keep living, you have to showthem how.
(31:53):
And you know, that night thatsaved me.
I got up and I walked home andit was something I held on to
and something he continued togive more clarity to and bring
things to life as I went.
So I know that he called me tosomething to help other people,
(32:14):
and I have to keep going back tothat whenever I struggle or in
the whole myriad of other thingsthat have been thrown at me
since that time, because it'snot like, oh, it just got easy
and yeah, and everything's goodnow, like there's been a lot of
challenges.
Even we were talking a littlebefore the podcast recording
about our health and the sixsurgeries I've had and with
(32:35):
complications andre-hospitalizations from my
health issues and in all of thedistress and illness.
Since widowhood which you knowresearch shows is very common in
these things it's not been easy.
Blending families, remarryingand blending families beautiful,
redemptive, joyful thing and sofreaking hard Like I, those of
(32:59):
us who have been in those placesunderstand to the rest of the
world it's like, oh, she was awidow and you know you have
people rooting for.
And they're like, oh, it's justso sad and oh, you've met
somebody and oh, I'm so happyfor you.
Like the story, like theproblem solved you know they
wanted a happy ending and for itto be over and it's like, oh
man, this whole journey ofremarriage and blending families
(33:21):
and how we navigate grief withone another and he came from
states away, moved here for me,you know, his child came as well
, and everybody figuring out whothey are to one another.
Even in the redemptions ofthose things, what landed us in
remarriage and blending was loss.
There wouldn't be remarriageand blending if there hadn't
(33:42):
first been brokenness.
Right, that he was never marriedand how that affected his child
and my nieces and nephews thatare mine and never knowing their
dad, and what they'veexperienced with my sister and
family, and then what they lostin their uncle daddy, my late
husband.
There's just so many pieces andparts to all of that that is
not just a cakewalk, and so Icontinue to hold on to the
(34:06):
calling and the visions and thethings that he's given me ahead.
When I doubt, um, or whenthings get hard, because we're
still fighting the good fightand finishing the race and
keeping the faith and that'sthat's what we do oh you're
doing so well, because that is abattle you can hear.
Claire (34:23):
I mean, there's just so much you've taken on and been
through in such a short periodof time in such a young life
that it's truly amazing.
And that's why it's lovely tospeak to people like you,
because it's so important, likeyou already know, to show people
that there is hope in thesesituations.
It's you know.
It's just so sad to think thatpeople get into those black
boxes and some of them don'tcome out again and it's
terrifying to think that that'sthe situation.
(34:44):
People are sitting therethinking that they're you know
they're alone, there is no hope.
It just breaks my heart.
So I just really want people tohear stories like this, to say
that you know it wasn't easy.
And that's the best bit aboutyour stories, I think, is that
you're very honest.
This hasn't been an easyjourney.
I didn't just get hopeovernight and suddenly I feel
amazing.
It's been really difficult.
But a large part of what youtalk about is your faith and I'm
(35:07):
heartbroken again that you'vehad such issues with the church.
But it's amazing testament toyour faith that it survived that
, because that would have put alot of people off God, not just
the church.
So you talk a lot to Christianwomen, which makes sense because
you connect with that faithelement and this is how we can
use our faith and this is whereour hope is based.
Really, how do you get yourmessage, or how would you spin
(35:27):
your message for people whohaven't got a faith, because
that can be really difficultwhen your hope is so interlinked
and that's something that'sreally been an anchor for you.
How do you do that?
Rachel Powell (35:36):
yeah.
So I guess what I would offeris this even if we don't share
the commonality of what webelieve happens beyond this life
, it's such an important thingto me because whatever we all do
here on this good fight andthis journey, it's oh so
(35:57):
temporary.
It doesn't feel that way always, but considering what is beyond
, but regardless of what we mayor may not share in that element
, I think the common offering ofhope that I would give to
believe.
Like you know, you havecircumstances.
It's like the head overarching.
You can't control those things.
(36:33):
None of us can.
But the most powerful thing isthat, even when people or things
are taking your power from you,you still have it.
I don't know if you ever heardthe phrase that life is 10% what
happens to you and 90% what youdo with it, or the fact that,
because we can't control any ofthese other things, what we
decide to do with it iseverything, and that's really
(36:55):
like.
That's the power of coaching,that is the power of owning our
own mind and our thoughts.
Again, our thoughts and ourfeelings lead to our actions and
our repeated actions.
Our habits create our lives.
That's what creates our results.
It creates where we're at, andso, even if we don't share the
(37:17):
common belief in what happenswhen we pass away or about God,
so much of our journey can beinfused with hope if we are
willing to let go and dispute,like I said, dispute and
challenge these thoughts thatdon't that are lacking, limiting
or based in lies.
(37:38):
If we just accept everythingwe're like no, because I really
think this and I really feelthis strong, and that's it, and
we take it like that blanketover ourselves and lay down
under it.
You know, if we're willing toconsider, who would I be without
that thought?
What would life look like ifthat weren't true?
Am I willing to consider that?
(37:58):
And if we're open, I believe sostrongly that so much of the
foundation of rebuilding and ofrebuilding like resilience, you
know, post-traumatic growth, allof these different ways that we
can talk about bringing hopeand life back into darkness and
death the foundation of that isyour willingness to be open to
(38:20):
those possibilities.
Because if you are closed downand you think I already know
where it's going, I already knowwhat my life looks like, I
already know and this is allthere is and this is what I have
and, like I said, maybe forother people, but not for me,
and you'll never see thosethings right.
You've closed all the doors.
So being open to hope is beingopen to all of the possibilities
(38:43):
and the abundance and thegoodness that's still here in
this life that are ahead of us.
Because they're there.
We may not be willing to look atit, we may not be willing to
believe in it and therefore wewon't receive it, but it didn't
mean it wasn't a possibility foryou, and so I would encourage
people, whatever they've beenthrough, whatever they're going
(39:06):
through, whatever is going to beahead, there is still goodness
ahead.
Like our story is not over yet,we're going to see more of the
Lord's goodness here as we live.
You know, whether that's wherewe see it coming from or not.
There's so much still ahead andtoday's reality is not your
(39:28):
forever reality.
Claire (39:30):
What would you say to someone?
I hear people say thissometimes and it's a sort of a
oh, I could never go throughthat.
I couldn't survive what you'vesurvived.
It seems like a common phrase.
What do you have to say topeople who are in that mindset?
Rachel Powell (39:42):
I couldn't either .
Clearly, I mean, if it hadn'tbeen for the Lord's intervention
, I wouldn't be here, and Ican't explain or answer why that
happened for me and not forAndre.
Like that goes into a wholenother set of why am I still
here and he wasn't?
But I would say, yeah, none ofus.
You know in biblical terms, ittalks about us receiving grace
(40:05):
when it's needed.
He gives us grace for whateverwe're in and we haven't received
all of that future grace yetbecause we're not there.
So, yeah, it's like he carriesus and gives us what we need
when we're there and we don'thave it yet.
It's unimaginable and for allof us who have been through
something challenging, which isreally every human on the planet
(40:25):
, when you're in those tragedies, wounds, heartaches, hard times
, you feel like I can't anddon't want to do this.
So it's not about whether,again, our thoughts, whether we
think we could or think wecouldn't, if we this or that or
the other.
It's believing that where weare right now, what we've been
(40:49):
through, whatever we will gothrough, we're going to have the
grace we need to fight thatgood fight, to finish that race,
to keep the faith through whatwe experience and relying on the
Lord, something outside of meand my limited human abilities
and capabilities, because I amnot able to carry the weight of
(41:10):
the world and things areoverwhelming to me.
But those things are also wherewe experience what I was
talking about earlier.
I think the depth of the humanresilience and the spirit and
the will to survive.
I mean that is just so profound.
Some of these stories of whatpeople have gone through and
(41:30):
endured and suffered and likethey just kept fighting to get
through it and survive, andwe're like we watch movies and
we read books and we're like,how would they?
And it's like, well, they'rereally just like you and survive
.
And we're like we watch moviesand we read books and we're like
, how would they?
And it was like, well, they'rereally just like you and me.
And they had to keep fightingfor that multiple times a day,
every minute, in some of thesehorrible, horrific things.
They kept choosing it, theykept fighting for it and that
(41:54):
possibility again is availablefor all of us too.
So, yeah, wherever we are goingto find ourselves in our
stories, beyond things that wecan even understand, somehow
that grace is still availableand offered.
And we see dimly now, we seethrough fog, but the Bible says
(42:15):
we're going to see clearly oneday.
Spiritual eyes are going to be.
It's going to be mind blowingwhen we can really get above the
fog and the thick of all ofwhat we're experiencing here.
But there's so much more to itthan our limited perspective and
it's so worthwhile to keepgoing.
Claire (42:34):
Do you ever think that?
Or do you come across peoplethat find that the idea of
adopting hope might give theimpression that they've kind of
got over it, that people think Ineed to get over the grief
before I find the hope stage.
Is that something you comeacross much?
Rachel Powell (42:47):
Yeah, yeah, and I relate to that in my deep
feeling.
Yeah, because I love Andre somuch, I didn't want people to
think I, in a sense, could everjust live life without him.
I mean, that was really thetheme behind my first attempt.
I was angry at God.
I wrote him a letter and I waslike, if you think that I can
(43:09):
just like I'm just going to getover this and move on and live
life without him like he wasn'tthat important to me, then maybe
I loved him more than you didand screw you.
And if I should just be able toget over him, then everybody
else can get over me.
Like that was like.
That was like some of the deepraw of where I was, you know, in
(43:30):
my first attempt.
So I can very much relate tothat sentiment.
However, one thing that I havelearned and experienced as I've
gone forward in grief is that,again, a lot of those beliefs
are lie-based.
Where I thought sitting in painand hopelessness was honoring
to him, that continuing tosuffer and grieve with pain,
(43:54):
like I believe suffering is painwithout hope is pain without
hope, and so I believe thatexperiencing that loss and
displaying that loss that waywas a way that I honored Him or
showed that I loved Him or thatI loved Him in and of myself.
When those things are, you know, that's not true, that's not
love.
Me giving up and rolling overand dying and having filled with
(44:19):
hate and anger toward the Lordand the despair of life and just
ending it after him is not, youknow.
I don't think in the depths ofour souls we really grasp that
and be like, oh, that was suchdeep love, because we know love
to be unconditional andsacrificial and this, all these
other beautiful things.
And so you know, what does itmean to love them and honor them
(44:42):
and remember them?
It's not to give up all hopeand light.
We carry them forward with us.
We build a life not hiding andnumbing and avoiding that
reality, but we incorporatethose losses into the life that
we build.
And I still get to talk aboutAndre and what he means to me
(45:05):
and the kind of person that hewas, and honor and remember and
love him, and I do that throughliving an abundant life still
and by still going, and so someof those feelings and thoughts
can really be rooted in thingsthat are not true.
We have these definitions ofwhat that means to love people
(45:27):
and honor them and to grieve,and I just don't, I no longer
subscribe to the belief thatthat comes through more
suffering upon ourselves andthat's really what's honoring
them.
You know, another thing theLord really gave me as a gift I
won't go into all of the details, but of having some clarity
(45:47):
about Andre and where he is nowand who he is.
I mean, it was most incrediblething he is.
He was sobered, like he sawwhat he did, without all of the
shroud and all of the chains andall of the blame and all of the
anger, but he was completelyforgiven and in the Lord's
(46:11):
presence and somehow he couldlook at what he had left behind
and all the things that we hadahead and look at us, all the
things that we had ahead, andlook at us and still have peace
and comfort, knowing God wasgoing to take care of us.
And I remember thinking, if hecan look at my life with hope,
then I can Like, if he can lookdown and see all of this stuff
(46:34):
very real and soberly and stillknow like the Lord has got you
and there is so much ahead, I'mlike then I can, if he can look
at it that way, seeing andknowing everything and with the
choices that were made, likesurely I can.
So we love and grieve and Ithink finding people who can be
(46:57):
empathetic and who can companionus in grief is really vital.
I mean we didn't talk aboutthat much, but it's really
really important to have safepeople that you can truly be
yourself and grieve with and notfind those grief communities I
was talking about where you justanchor in.
These beliefs that we have ofthis is not fair.
You know, all of thesedifferent things that we hold to
(47:20):
again, that are really mindsetthings that are shaping our
entire lives, this is not fair.
I should never lose a spouse,parents should never die before
their children, all you know allof these things that it's like,
oh, yeah, that feels and seemsso true and I can just hold on
to that, and oh about my lifeand where I'm at, and it's like
(47:43):
again, where would I be withoutthat thought?
Is that really true?
Where does that lead you to?
What would happen if we werewilling to open our hands a
little bit, to surrender some ofthese thoughts and feelings
that aren't really rooted inreality, that are really hard to
let go?
Aren't really rooted in realitythat are really hard to let go.
So we can do both have peoplecome alongside and have times of
(48:04):
real.
I still have times and momentsI'm like, okay, I need to grieve
this.
This is hitting me hard and nowI know who my safe people are
to go to and being open andconnected with other people who
aren't just going to defendgrief and defend how miserable
our lives are now and not seewidowhood as a curse but as a
(48:26):
calling and um that it changeseverything.
I think both are.
Both are important if we'reopen to that forward movement of
grief.
Claire (48:35):
Both are there yeah, and , like you said, so, so
important to have the rightpeople around that can help you
and give you the freedom to dothat and not sort of pull you in
another direction.
Looking forward to the future,how do you feel now about things
?
Because it could be very easyfor you to fear going through
the same loss again, havingremarried.
So what does that look like?
And how does that marry up withhope?
(48:56):
It's funny.
Rachel Powell (48:59):
I found a meme back in my early widowhood and
again it's not a true thing butit's a humorous.
It was like a stick figuretrying to build a card tower and
they're like about to lay thosetop two together and it says me
trying to find happiness againin my life.
And then there was anotherstick figure like swinging on
(49:19):
this demolition ball that sayslife circumstances you know,
like about to come in and wreckeverything that you just have
built again.
And I remember just likeresonating with how I was like
because, yeah, when youexperience pain, sometimes the
deeper it is, the more yourealize how out of control, like
you don't have control overthese things.
(49:42):
And so that again I found peacein, and only in, a posture of
surrender.
It is very scary.
Like I've had that thoughtagain like, oh my gosh, I've
married Mike, I have thiswonderful person, and I have
this very, very real realizationthat creeps up into my mind at
different times, like layingthere with my head on his chest
(50:03):
and hearing his heart beating,like I remember that with Andre
right, your heart beating andyour heart beating.
And I remember, a decade ago ormore, being like, oh my gosh,
one day, like Andre's heart isgoing to stop beating.
I don't know if mine will first, but like we're not always
going to be here like this, andthat was so like hard, so hard
(50:24):
to even grasp, and how, evenmore.
Now I'm like, uh, you know,like yeah, it's scary, but again
, if I have a posture ofsurrender with my hands open
about this, this life and whatthe Lord has, it allows that
realization of tragedy and lossand how I don't have control and
(50:48):
really the reality of deathwhereby every one of us is
slowly has everything siphonedfrom us other people, our health
, our belongings.
I mean, if you're depending onwhere you fall, in line with
everybody you're going to,everybody loses everything.
And that is where I find thefoundational hope of Jesus
(51:09):
Christ as the resurrection,because I'm not afraid to look
at the reality of death and Ihave also seen and experienced
what a resurrection hope isunder the rubble, when my whole
life is blown up and it's likeyou're sifting through pieces
and brokenness and somehowthere's still this foundation of
(51:29):
hope.
That's where I found thedeepest hope of what cannot be
taken from me, what I cannotlose.
And if I am surrendered in aposture of surrender, then even
as I lose people and things andhave these health struggles and
the stuff that is so valid andso sucky and so hard, it can
transform that moment Like withme laying on Mike's chest and
(51:53):
hearing his heart from panic andfear to like I'm going to lose
this and I'm going to and it'sall going to end and to being
able to soak in the joys and theabundance of this moment, of
this day.
That's all that I have.
I can get all caught up inwhatever, but I'm like, I can
(52:15):
enjoy, like man.
I'm so thankful to have you.
I am going to absorb thegratitude is just emanating from
me and I'm going to absorb thelove and the joy that I feel in
this moment of being with youbecause I have you right now and
this moment with my kids.
The toothpaste in the sink I wasthinking of this the other day.
I'm like, oh my gosh, does itclean all of the spit and
(52:36):
toothpaste in this sink?
Again, like this grimy thingthat we've talked about.
And you have the realizationlike they're not always going to
be here.
You know, hopefully not passingaway oh my gosh, hopefully, but
I mean again or them moving out.
But I'm like, okay, I'm going tolook at this toothpaste in the
sink different, because one daythe sink's going to be clean and
(52:57):
it's going to be quiet aroundhere, and so for today, and
there'll be other things for meto find, to enjoy that day and
that day, and in the peace andin the rest and in the whatever
else.
But, like these things, ifwe're in a posture of surrender
the reality, looking at ithonestly, allow us to live our
life here and our days and ourmoments, I believe, so much more
(53:20):
fully and with gratitude andwith hope, because we're really
present and honest and lookingat reality enough to soak it all
in and absorb it, instead ofliving in avoiding and denial or
with blinders on and not evenrealizing what we're seeing, so
we're missing it.
So that's, that's what I wouldsay.
Claire (53:42):
The older I get and the more I do on the podcast, the
more I see the value in thebiblical idea of like, only just
worrying about today, like,don't look at tomorrow.
There's enough trouble in eachday and I think, yeah, so much
of our worry, our anxiety, ourfrustration is when we project
into the future.
What if this happens?
What if that happens?
What is this?
(54:04):
But just to be able to live inthe day and I think that's a
perfect example of what you'resaying just you know, feeling
that gratitude for the day andwhat you have now.
It's huge, not easy, you know.
Like you said, it's a massivemindset change and you've really
got to work at that sometimes.
But if you can get there, whatan amazing way to feel.
For anyone before I ask thetour question for anyone that
might be out there that's justlike, oh, I want to be where she
is.
Like I've been in the bad bitand I feel like I'm still there.
What would you say is like agood first step towards trying
(54:27):
to just find a bit more hope.
Rachel Powell (54:31):
I would suggest that they examine their own
openness to that possibility andan open posture Again, open
hands of surrender too, but anopenness to receiving can really
make a huge difference becausefrom that posture any of the
actions and things we take willhave a place to land.
(54:52):
We will be more likely to bedrawn to the things that are
going to help bring deeperhealing and rebuilding.
I mean, there's a millionthings that I could say.
I think having safe people whoreally can companion you is
critical.
I think that bringing healingto our wounds where we need it
whether that's throughcounseling, therapy, other
(55:15):
modalities, coaching can betremendously helpful.
But it all starts really with anopenness to examine our own
mind and our own thoughts and bewilling to receive that.
There is an abundanthope-filled future ahead of me.
There is still goodness aheadof me.
(55:36):
Whatever that looks like, I'mgoing to be open to that.
Even and hopefully, if it is alife full of these moments of
deep gratitude, right wherever Ilay my head, man, a life that's
built on days that are thatover and over again, that is a
life worth living.
Claire (55:52):
Brilliant.
Thank you so much for sharingeverything and for fighting the
fight that you're fighting aswell, because if people like you
didn't go through this and thenfight and talk about hope, then
you know the world would be amuch darker place.
So thank you for fighting thatfight to help others, because I
think that's so important.
So for my last question aboutmy metaphorical toolshed, if
hope was a tool to help peoplein their grief or get through
(56:15):
grief, or maybe even prepare forgrief, I don't know what kind
of tool do you think it would be?
Rachel Powell (56:19):
Okay, so I may be off on this question.
You might have to go give methe buzzer and be like that
doesn't count, but this isreally what I think.
I think it might not be atraditional tool, but in the
idea of a garden tool shed, Ithink if you went in there for
your garden, hope would be thebag of miracle grow plant.
It is what, what you are goingto put your do the work of
(56:43):
tilling into the soil of whereyou live and breathe and what
you think, and and so, whateverthe outside circumstances are
whether the rain or sunshine orelements are all cooperating
with being ideal or not that'sgoing to feed, feed growth right
from the roots up.
I think it just it is likeinfusing hope into our lives is
(57:07):
really what makes us grow andnot stay stagnant and stuck and
withering away.
So that would be my thought.
Claire (57:15):
Miracle grow Amazing.
I think we can all agree thatnow and then we need a little
miracle to keep us going.
Sometimes we all want more thanjust surviving in life.
We want to thrive, and I oftenwish there was a Miracle-Gro
tablet that I could take forthat very feeling.
But for now, I'm thrilled toadd this new addition to my
ever-growing metaphorical shed,which is filling up with so many
meaningful and unexpectedtreasures.
(57:37):
If you want to find out moreabout Rachel, head over to www.
hopespeaker.
com, and she's also shared alink with me to resources on her
website, including a newlywidowed checklist for navigating
the financial, practical,emotional and relational
challenges after loss and aselection of prayers for widows,
both written and in audioformat, so you can listen and
reflect as needed.
(57:57):
These and all her other hoperesources can be found in the
link in the show notes.
Rachel, thank you so much forthis conversation.
I know it will be a hugeblessing to so many people and
I'm so grateful that you'vechosen to turn your pain into
purpose, helping others findhope through their own grief.
If you'd like to find out moreabout me and my husband, Chris,
and our story of infertility,childlessness or anything else
(58:19):
that we do, including myhandmade grief companions that
you can buy.
Hermans.
Visit www.
thesilentwhy.
com.
This podcast remains ad-freethanks to the generous support
of some wonderful listeners.
If you'd like to help keep itrunning, you can treat me to a
fancy tea at www.
buymeacoffee.
com/ thesilentwhy either as aone-off or through monthly
support.
And, of course, another way tosupport the podcast is buying a
(58:41):
Herman.
These are small crocheted griefcompanions that I make by hand.
They're a lasting and personalalternative to flowers, a
comforting gift for someonewho's experiencing loss or in a
gentle way if you just want toshow someone you care because
words are falling short.
You can find out more aboutthat at www.
thehermancompany.
com.
As always, all the links willbe in the show notes.
Thank you for listening and,wherever you are today, I hope
(59:04):
something in this episode helpsyou grow a little bit more hope
of your own.
If you've got a subject you'dlike me to chat to an expert on,
please get in touch via oursocial media or the website, or
via email, thesilentwhy@ gmail.
com, and let's chat.
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