December 24, 2025 • 61 mins
Winter didn’t always come wrapped in twinkle lights. We pull back the garland to meet the older spirits of the season—figures that enforced survival with iron noses, claws, chains, and consequences—and ask why these stories still stick to our bones when the power flickers and the wind goes mean.
We start with Frau Perchta, the Alpine “winter auditor” who walks the Twelve Nights checking spinning, social rules, and respect for the old ways. Pass and you’re spared. Fail and the metaphor turns visceral: bellies opened, organs traded for straw and stones. From there we tumble into the Kallikantzaroi, Mediterranean goblins who spend the year sawing at the world tree, then abandon their post during Yule to foul food, snuff hearths, and scramble your house into chaos. The fixes are wonderfully small: keep the fire hot, hang a sieve to trap them in endless counting, burn the shoes you should’ve thrown out years ago.
Iceland raises the cost with the Yule Cat, an enormous black predator who hunts the unproductive. New clothes mean you helped process wool; no clothes mark you as prey. It’s a harsh labor law written in fang, born from a place where winter isn’t a vibe, it’s a verdict. When the sky rips open, the Wild Hunt rides: Odin’s spectral cavalcade thundering through blizzards, a sound you don’t answer. Don’t whistle. Don’t stand at the crossroads. Don’t look up. Do a genuine good deed before Yule ends or accept a hard year stamped by omens.
And then there’s Krampus, the horned anti-Santa with a single KPI: punishment. Chains, birch, baskets, and the eerie quiet of children who return different. We talk about how modern culture keeps trying to sand his edges and why the overexposure misses the point. These tales weren’t crafted to comfort—they organized communities around work, warmth, and watchfulness when winter could end everything.
If you enjoy sharp folklore, dark humor, and stories that make holiday lights feel a little braver, press play. Share this with a friend who swears they’re “team cozy,” subscribe for more, and leave a review with the winter spirit you’d least want at your door.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_05 (00:00):
They're just they're little pranksters, they're
(00:01):
little shitheads.
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (00:03):
Um I can see how you relate to them.
SPEAKER_05 (00:07):
Well, yeah, this is exactly why I was very like, I
read these guys and I was like,I don't think I have ever felt
so seen by a borderline demonicentity in my life.
Like everyone's like, oh, I'mthe devil because I'm so mean
and nasty.
It's like, no, you're not.
You got daddy issues, you haveto fucking go into therapy yet.
(00:27):
You're not the fucking devil.
Sit the hell down.
Like, I'm reading about theseguys and I'm like, I actually am
these.
Like, I am also too fairlyshort, very hairy.
I have weird deformed feet andI'm misshapened and grotesque.
Like, I am them.
They are me.
We are one.
SPEAKER_01 (01:02):
Before we begin today's episode, we would like
to share a quick disclaimer.
The views, opinions, andstatements expressed by the
hosts and guests on this podcastare their own personal views and
are provided in their owncapacity.
All content is editorial,opinion-based, and intended for
entertainment purposes only.
(01:23):
Listener discretion is advised.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Silly Goose Society.
Before we start, I have a quickquestion.
Did you finish your work?
Did you behave?
Absolutely not.
Did you get new clothes?
unknown (01:44):
No God, no.
SPEAKER_01 (01:45):
Because tonight's episode is not about joy.
It's not about magic.
And it's definitely not aboutsome fat man breaking into your
house to reward you.
Tonight, Uncle Tony.
Tonight is about winter justice.
We're talking about the oldChristmas spirits, the ones that
existed before Christianity puta bow on the season.
(02:08):
The ones that don't care ifyou're trying to be your best.
The ones that enforce survivalwith teeth, iron, claws, and
consequence.
These are not Santa adjacentcreatures.
They don't negotiate.
They don't teach lessons.
They punish, they take, theycorrect the balance.
(02:31):
So pour yourself a drink, getinto your coziest sweater
because apparently that reallymatters.
And remember, if you're hearingthis, you've already survived
the winter audit.
So let's begin.
SPEAKER_05 (02:46):
Wait, I'm getting fucking audited?
SPEAKER_01 (02:47):
Yeah.
This is all about auditing.
SPEAKER_05 (02:55):
Like, nope, it's about audit.
It's about people with pocketprotectors, a stick up their
ass, and the man barking downtheir neck.
SPEAKER_01 (03:02):
Right.
unknown (03:04):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
The first one that I want to talk about is Frau
Perchta, who is the originalwinter auditor.
SPEAKER_05 (03:15):
You're calling winter auditors, and I'm sorry.
I'm just seeing like a bunch oflike suits with like an abacus.
unknown (03:23):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (03:25):
You know what I mean?
But like trutching through thesnow in like a parka.
You know what I mean?
Like you just can't call themauditors.
You can't.
You just can't.
SPEAKER_01 (03:36):
So if you thought Santa was watching to see if you
were naughty or nice,congratulations.
You've dramaticallyunderestimated winter because
Perchda doesn't bring coal ifyou're bad.
She brings fucking surgery.
unknown (03:53):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (03:56):
So some origins about Perchda.
Perchta comes from the Alpineregions of Austria, Bavaria,
Switzerland, and she is ancient.
Like pre-Christian, pagan,ancient.
SPEAKER_05 (04:11):
Like older than your mama.
SPEAKER_01 (04:13):
Right.
Back when winter wasn't cozyvibes or hot cocoa, it was
pretty much please don't leteveryone die.
SPEAKER_05 (04:22):
I mean, isn't that still Christmas?
Isn't that still winter?
Please.
Please make sure no one dies.
SPEAKER_01 (04:28):
You're right.
So she began as a fertilitygoddess and a household spirit,
and casually a bringer of death.
Um, her name came from, and I'mgonna butcher this, but it came
from Birat, meaning bright,which is fascinating because
(04:49):
later descriptions of her arelike, yes, bright, bright, like
a corpse lantern with an ironnose.
So Perchda has basically two,she's dual-formed.
Because, you know, what womandoesn't have two sides to her.
SPEAKER_05 (05:07):
I hey, I let you say it.
I let you have any idea how hardI've been biting my fucking
tongue so far because of likeall the shit I could be saying
about all so much of this.
SPEAKER_01 (05:20):
So there is the white perchta who is radiant and
beautiful and rewards hard work.
And she's like the winter's HRmanager that really likes you.
Then you have Black Perchta, whois depicted as she's a broken
(05:43):
down, crooked woman, veryragged, has an iron nose, and
she literally looks like shelives exclusively on spite and
unfinished chores.
And so guess which most peoplemeet.
SPEAKER_05 (06:02):
Guess which one most people meet?
SPEAKER_01 (06:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (06:04):
I guess it depends which area we're talking about.
I'm assuming I'm assuming BlackPerchda.
SPEAKER_01 (06:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (06:08):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:09):
So from December 25th to January 6th, during the
12 nights of Yule, Perchda willvisit homes.
Not metaphorically, shephysically visits homes.
And she checks three things.
Did you finish your spinning?
Did you obey social rules?
(06:32):
And did you respect the oldways?
SPEAKER_05 (06:36):
So all you all you fitness influencers, your fit
influencers out there, did yougo to your spinning class?
Did you tell everyone aboutdetox teas?
And some joke about the oldways.
SPEAKER_01 (06:47):
Right, right.
So just so yeah, just toclarify, spinning wasn't a
chore.
Spinning was basically cosmicorder, uh, like a thread equals
fate, life itself.
So if you did finish yourspinning, you didn't just
procrastinate, you like insulinsulated your destiny.
(07:12):
So if you failed at any of thesetasks, she doesn't scold you,
she doesn't like ground you, shedoesn't leave you passive
aggressive notes.
This is what she does.
Per my last email, none offinish your fucking spinning.
Um, she will slit open yourabdomen, remove your organs, and
(07:36):
replace them with straw, stones,or garbage.
SPEAKER_06 (07:40):
Ooh.
SPEAKER_01 (07:42):
Which is a very pointed metaphor for you did not
contribute to society.
And children were especiallyvulnerable to her auditing.
I'm gonna say auditing.
So, you know, like finish yourcrafts, kids out there
listening, or become a hauntedscarecrow.
SPEAKER_05 (08:06):
Or garbage can.
SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
And this fits right in with us um because some
traditions describe Perchta ashaving one iron nose and one
goose foot.
SPEAKER_05 (08:22):
That's true.
SPEAKER_01 (08:23):
That is true.
SPEAKER_05 (08:25):
That's not us being cute.
Look that shit up.
It's not a bag leg, it's a hunkleg.
SPEAKER_01 (08:36):
So the folklore basically is like it's it's like
she is not human, she walksbetween worlds, and she will
absolutely ruin your evening.
And the goose foot likely likelyties her to older animal
spirits, fertility, migration,which is kind of beautiful on
(08:57):
its on its face value.
Um, but the iron nose justscreams like I've survived
something you would neversurvive.
SPEAKER_02 (09:10):
See some things, man.
I've seen some stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (09:13):
Wouldn't recommend it.
SPEAKER_05 (09:15):
So back to the She said like a haunted Vietnam vet
from years past.
SPEAKER_01 (09:25):
So back to the children.
Um, in Darker Lore, Perchdadidn't just punish children, she
claimed them.
Um, specifically, she wouldclaim unbaptized children,
sickly infants, and babies bornduring the 12 nights.
And instead of condemning them,she basically became their
(09:46):
keeper in the afterlife.
So she's terrifying, but she'salso kind of like, I don't know,
some kind of like grim winterfoster mom.
Just some notes on why thechurch hated her and tried to
erase her out of existence.
SPEAKER_05 (10:04):
One, she was a woman who was empowered.
SPEAKER_01 (10:07):
True.
Right.
Um, but they tried to erase herby calling her a witch, calling
her a demon, uh evil old woman,every trope that you could think
of.
Um, and the villagers basicallywould say, you know, like, cool
sermon, bro, but look, we'llwe're still even we're still
leaving her food.
SPEAKER_05 (10:27):
Cool sermon, bro, but I was like, I'll do my own
research.
Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_01 (10:32):
Yeah, like you know, we we are still in fear of a
winter goddess who removesorgans.
Uh we're not debating this.
We are cooking her dumplings.
SPEAKER_05 (10:43):
We're cooking her dumplings.
Wait a minute.
Is that all I gotta do is getfree dumplings?
Is just like disembowel peopleand turn them into scarecrows?
SPEAKER_01 (10:49):
Yeah.
So I mean basically I lovedumplings, man.
Basically, like that's how yougot on Perchda's good side is
you had to finish your spinningbefore the Yule.
You had to eat traditional foodslike gruel or dumplings, and
then you had to leave offerings.
So basically, it was just likebe productive, be respectful,
(11:11):
and feed the winter hag.
SPEAKER_04 (11:17):
I'm just off the plague.
SPEAKER_01 (11:29):
So today uh she survives because um their annual
um Perchdenloaf festivals, and Ihopefully I said that right.
Um so basically they're maskwinter parades with horns,
grotesque faces, um,nightmare-fueled craftsmanship.
(11:50):
These masks are not fun.
And I will be posting photos ofthese masks of Perchda on our
Instagram.
Um, but they're meant tobasically appease her or scare
her away or to confuse her intothinking she's basically already
did the murdering.
SPEAKER_05 (12:08):
So, you know.
She's like, Oh, I've alreadybeen here.
My bad.
Yeah, I've already been here.
Like her little mouth.
SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
Yeah, yeah.
So just remember, Perchda is notSanta adjacent.
She is winter justice.
Um, and she doesn't care whetheryou were naughty or nice, she
just cares whether you wereuseful.
And that's all I have forPerchda.
SPEAKER_05 (12:32):
She just cares if you were useful.
So she's just like a fuckboy.
SPEAKER_01 (12:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (12:37):
Perchsta's just a fuckboy, like an ancient
Germanic fuckboy.
Nice.
Yeah.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Uh also, the like masks and allof that kind of shit.
Isn't that like the ones thatit's aren't they like elk and
like deer skulls that peoplewould wear?
Wasn't that isn't like the sameidea or the same um or am I
getting that mixed up with theuh the Gaelic traditions?
SPEAKER_01 (12:59):
So I'm looking at, yeah, I'm I'm looking at some of
um oh maybe I've got pick no thethe pictures of perched it are
um very much like thequintessential stereotypical
like old hag with the with a bigcrooked nose.
(13:22):
They're they're very, very scarythough.
These are fucking scary masks.
SPEAKER_05 (13:28):
I mean I believe it.
If it's if it's if it's beingused to scare away the spirit
that literally turns you, likeyou said, into a walking-talking
scarecrow from hell, I don't seethem being like a my little pony
kind of like cutesy wootsyfucking masks.
Like, you know?
If it's supposed to scare thataway, I can only imagine.
SPEAKER_01 (13:50):
Yeah.
Hang on, I'm shooting thosepictures over to you so you can
see what I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_05 (13:55):
Oh god, yeah, because for the love of fuck.
SPEAKER_01 (14:04):
I told you they are they are they are scary.
SPEAKER_05 (14:08):
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good with that.
I'm good.
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (14:20):
Anywho, so my turn, right?
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
Yeah.
And I'm sending you I'm sendingyou pictures of your guy.
SPEAKER_05 (14:28):
I mean, I already know, I just look in the mirror
and that's exactly what I canonly imagine what this asshole
looks like.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Elkheads.
There you go.
I'm getting those.
Anywho.
Um Right, so I apologize toanyone of this um ethnicity or
(14:51):
culture if I'm butchering thename on this one.
But I'm I'm also gonna becompletely honest.
I first heard about these guyslike the other day when we were
planning out this episode.
It was the very first time I'veheard of these guys, and I kind
of love them.
I think they need their own likesitcom.
Some type of a TV show, you knowwhat I mean?
There needs to be some type of afucking there has to be a show.
Send these guys over to likeJohn Mullaney and Nick Kroll,
(15:14):
and once you know they'vefinished with Big Mouth, they
just need to make their ownversion of these little
shitheads.
Anywho.
I'll the uh let's see, the uhKalikansroy?
Kalikansroy, something like thatone?
I don't know.
Greek and Baltic folklore, soMediterranean all around that
kind of area.
So I apologize if I've butcheredthe name, the pronunciation.
(15:37):
Either way.
Yeah, these little furryred-eyed goblin dudes who live
underground, and they're notlike super evil, like some of
the other like evil Christmasspirits that you'll hear about.
Like they're not gonna go andlike eat you and kill you and
turn you into a scarecrow orwhatever the hell that's.
They're just gonna like fuckwith you like so much.
(15:58):
They're these little mischievouslittle menaces, which I kinda
love.
It's almost like I almost feellike they should be a part of
Halloween with like thetrick-or-treat kind of thing.
And now I'm really starting tothink that these guys were the
inspiration for Lock Shock andBarrel for the nightmare before
Christmas.
Swear to God, like tell me theyare not these little bastards.
They oh my god, they absolutelyare.
(16:19):
They literally live undergroundat the tree.
No, they live in the tree.
Whatever.
There's a tree in the lair.
They are absolutely doesn'tmatter.
So they appeared through the 12,the uh the 12 days of Christmas.
Or or Yule, my mistake.
Yule.
My bad.
Um, pretty much their solepurpose was sawing at the uh the
(16:45):
world tree.
Or the tree of life, orwhichever one you go on to with
that one.
So that's literally their job.
They were just like, thisfucking tree has got to go.
So I'm just seeing like a dozenof these little bastards, just
like with one of those giantsaws going back and forth.
SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
Back and forth, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (17:00):
And like one's like, I don't know, I don't know why,
but I kind of picture them inlike those big like foreman.
No, no, no, no, they're all, youknow, yeah, maybe there's one
who's just sitting there.
They they in my brain they'rekind of like gremlins, like
little furry gremlins, like withlike clothed hooves and all
things, so it's like littlesatyrs or kind of like.
But I don't know why they're inlike some of them are in like
those old timey like long johnswith like the big buttons, and
(17:22):
for whatever reason, as they'redoing that big saw, one of like
the buttons gets caught on it,and now he's getting like sent
back and forth through it.
Like you've seen like cartoonsand cheese like that's what I'm
picturing in my head right now,these little shitheads trying to
cut down the tree.
Um But during the holidays,during Yule, they abandon the uh
they abandon their task, theirjob.
(17:43):
They're like, alright, we've hadit, we've we've been trying at
this all year.
What's the worst that couldhappen if we leave for the next
couple of days and we go andfuck with everybody?
Um and the only reason why theywould leave during those times
is because like the gods wereyou know busy like being
celebrated and going getting alltheir foods and their offerings
and so on and so forth.
So like their little gatekeeperwas watching, so like, hey, the
guard's not here, let's go out.
Anywho.
(18:04):
And that's literally they would,like I said, they're not going
out, they're not killing,they're not murdering.
I swear to God.
They will just head out to thevillages, to the towns, to the
whatever the hell.
And they'll they'll break intoyour they'll they will break
into your house.
They're not gonna eat the foodyou leave out, they're gonna sp
(18:25):
they're gonna leave your fridgeopen.
They're gonna turn yourmicrowave on its side.
Shoutouts to mom and my friendson that one.
They're gonna spoil all yourfood.
They're gonna put your fireplaceout, they're gonna extinguish
the fire, do all that other kindof bullshit.
They're just gonna mess at youin your sleep, they're like your
paralysis demon, and they'regonna like, you know what I also
see them doing?
Putting like the whipped creamor like the shaving cream in
your hand, like tickling yournose with like their fat with
(18:47):
like their tail or somethinglike that.
So you They're just they'relittle pranksters, they're
little shitheads, that's it.
SPEAKER_00 (18:52):
Um I can see how you relate to them.
SPEAKER_05 (18:55):
Well, yeah, this is exactly why I was very like I
read these guys and I was like,I don't think I have ever felt
so seen by a borderline demonicentity in my life.
Like everyone's like, oh, I'mthe devil because I'm so mean
and nasty.
It's like, no, you're not.
You got daddy issues, and youhave to fucking go into therapy
yet.
(19:15):
You're not the fucking devil.
Sit the hell down.
Like, I'm reading about theseguys and I'm like, I actually am
these.
Like, I am also too fairlyshort, very hairy.
I have weird deformed feet, andI'm misshapened and grotesque.
Like, I am them.
They are me.
We are one.
(19:36):
They're not exactly the most,like I said, they're not the
most efficient killers, if youwill.
Yeah, I'm sure there was one ortwo witnesses they kind of had
to get rid of because, you know,they were like, oh yeah, get
that fucking kid or whatnot.
But like, they are just likethey're just little shitheads,
man.
They are chaos unbound, releasedonto the earth.
(19:57):
Like they inconvenience you so.
So much.
They'll hide the remote.
They'll take all the labels offof your cans.
unknown (20:04):
Oh god.
SPEAKER_05 (20:05):
They'll switch all the DVDs around on you.
I think the only potentiallyreally dangerous thing that they
do is putting the uh isextinguishing the fire because,
like, you know, way back when inancient times, you know, you
didn't have fucking, you know,well, let me just go turn the
thermostat and turn my heat out.
No, you had to fucking keep thegoddamn fire going.
So like they would put the fireout and like you could freeze to
death.
(20:25):
But at the same time, I don'tknow if anyone would sleep
through that.
Doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_01 (20:29):
Um when you said taking the labels off of cans
and stuff, I was thinking, and Iwas, oh no, how are we gonna
find our soup for our chips?
SPEAKER_05 (20:47):
Oh my god, I hope this is Michael Cheddar, son of
a bitch.
SPEAKER_01 (20:53):
You know what?
That's what you call a callback.
SPEAKER_05 (21:02):
Well, at least we never regret meeting them.
SPEAKER_01 (21:06):
Yeah, true.
SPEAKER_05 (21:09):
Anywho.
Unlike some people, unlike somepeople, honk, honk.
I know you're probably sittingthere thinking, hey, hey, Goose
Wayne, we've been saying allthese things about these little
mischievous bastards.
However, will I protect myselffrom these little shitheads?
SPEAKER_04 (21:33):
You piece of shit slop.
I'll tell you.
SPEAKER_05 (21:35):
I don't mind being so mean.
I need to cut it back in thecaffeine, that's why.
SPEAKER_01 (21:40):
No, these are these creatures have infected you.
SPEAKER_05 (21:43):
I am them.
They are me.
We are one.
SPEAKER_01 (21:46):
We are one.
SPEAKER_05 (21:48):
I'll tell you how.
Keep the fires burning.
Okay?
Well, take some goddamnaccountability.
Start the fire, keep it going,get it hot, scare them away.
Cause you make more work forthem.
Make a big fire.
Big fire.
I am chief.
Want big fire.
Burn your old shoes.
I'm gonna be completely honest.
(22:09):
Don't know why, but that's whatmy notes say.
Burn your old shoes.
You haven't worn them sincecollege.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna fit it.
No, you're not gonna fit inthose pumps anymore.
It looks like you're trying tostuff a loaf of bread into a
fucking Barbie dream house.
It's not happening.
Like, throw them out.
Burn 'em.
Protect yourself.
Um hang colanders, sifters,meshes, those things, you know,
(22:31):
your little cooking things youdump your pasta in.
Hang them up.
Because guess what?
They are so ridiculous.
They're gonna sit there andthey're gonna have to count all
of the fucking holes in them.
But here's the catch.
Why they're doomed to eternity,and one more reason why they're
so angry.
They can't count past two.
So I'm gonna pick these littlegoblin bastards.
(22:53):
One, two, one, two, fuck.
One.
Two just forever.
They're just gonna sit thereforever and ever, just counting
up to two.
Because three is sacred, theholy trinity, three is company,
three strikes and you're out.
Like, they're afraid of the wordthe word, the number three.
So yeah, they can't they can'tcount past two.
(23:16):
So put something, put somethingwith three holes up, and you
know what?
I'm gonna leave that joke rightthere.
Put something with three holesup to run away.
Never mind.
SPEAKER_01 (23:24):
Moving on, your turn.
Oh my god.
There's so many it's low-hangingfruit, though.
SPEAKER_05 (23:31):
Yeah, it's very low-hanging fruit.
Very low-hanging fruit.
Yeah.
And you know, like holy waterand other typical stuff to like
ward off like demons andspirits.
Like throwing salt over yourfucking shoulders.
Throw the salt.
SPEAKER_03 (23:42):
Keep these little bastards away because they're
gonna jump up going salt in myeyes.
SPEAKER_05 (23:47):
Or whatever the hell they say.
I don't know what the hell thatvoice was.
Um, but I think I think one ofmy favorite things about these
little shitheads.
Um, when everything's over andthey return back to their lair,
and they're like, Wow, man, thatwas a great timeout, and they're
(24:08):
high-fiving each other.
Hey, remember that old lady youthrew eggs at?
Yeah, but that was funny.
That goat you stole, and youkind of wrote, yeah, that was
your mother.
No, it wasn't.
They get back to their layerwhere the world tree is, and
guess what?
It's healed.
And they just look at it andthey go, ah fuck.
See, that's why they go out andthey screw with everybody, is
because they think the humansare fixing the tree.
(24:29):
So then they gotta go back out.
And they gotta go all overagain.
The heat they they worked allyear long to cut this damn tree
down, and all of their work,they didn't save before the
power reset.
They didn't like back anythingup to the cloud, none of that
shit.
They come back and it is a fullygrown, repurposed tree.
And these bastards gotta startall over again.
(24:54):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was um pretty rough.
Pretty rough.
Um there things that kind ofkeep the way, uh, apparently
they hate like order and goodthings in prim and proper.
So these guys are definitelyADHD.
SPEAKER_06 (25:12):
Hands down.
SPEAKER_05 (25:13):
They they're sounds like it.
They hate clean homes, they hatesymmetry, they don't like people
who are disciplined, so all I'msaying is they're gonna fit
right the fuck in here.
Like, they they probably do livein here.
Those are probably little shitsthat are messing everything up
in my goddamn living abode.
SPEAKER_01 (25:28):
Um They're in direct, they're in direct odds
with Perchda.
SPEAKER_05 (25:33):
They really are, like, y you know, yin and yang,
heads or tails, lamb and tunafish.
Like, there is one, there youcannot have one without the
other.
SPEAKER_01 (25:44):
I want to talk about the Yule Cat.
SPEAKER_05 (25:48):
You would.
SPEAKER_01 (25:49):
Yule cat or the Yolakaturen.
I had to I had to hear apronunciation of that because
it's not spelled how it sounds.
SPEAKER_05 (26:00):
Yeah, no, I had that once.
I went to the doctor, he gave mea shot and cleared up in like a
day or so.
So if you'll cock is torn.
Thanks.
SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
Oh shit.
Okay, I'm not pronouncing thatword again.
You got it once.
Um, so if you thought Christmasmonsters were about morality,
being kind, sharing, learninglessons, Iceland basically said,
no.
The only thing we care about isdid you work?
SPEAKER_05 (26:38):
Such lovely people.
SPEAKER_01 (26:40):
Right.
Um, so this the the Yule cat isa creature whose entire job
description is identify the lazyand eat them.
SPEAKER_05 (26:57):
From a cat.
SPEAKER_01 (26:59):
From a cat.
SPEAKER_05 (27:00):
Um pound for pound, one of the laziest animals known
to man.
Proceed.
SPEAKER_01 (27:04):
Basically, the yule cat comes from Icelandic
folklore.
Um, and it was basically born ina place where winter isn't
festive, as we've learned fromthe last two creatures.
Um, yeah, none of these, none ofthese are happy creatures.
Um, but you know, winter in someof these places, you deal with
(27:29):
hostile living conditions.
And so this myth isn't aboutfun, it was about basically
survival.
Everyone had to help processwool.
Everyone.
There were no vibes, no excuses,no, I was too tired.
Um so, yeah.
(27:51):
So this cat, um, it is not a youknow, ps ps get in the bag kind
of cat, right?
You do not want to take this cathome with you.
It's enormous.
So it's not you.
If it's if it's wait, if it'snot meant to be friend, why is
it friend-shaped?
But the Yule cat is basicallyenormous.
(28:14):
Um, it is black as the polarnight.
SPEAKER_05 (28:17):
She says a big old pussy.
SPEAKER_01 (28:20):
Eyes like ice.
It's large enough to peer into asecond story window, and it
basically stalks villagersduring Yule time very silently,
very patiently.
SPEAKER_05 (28:35):
Silently.
SPEAKER_01 (28:37):
Very silently.
SPEAKER_05 (28:38):
It's the size of a fucking whale.
How the hell can it peer into asecond-story building?
SPEAKER_01 (28:44):
Yeah, and it stalks very silent.
Cats are very silent, even bigcats.
SPEAKER_05 (28:48):
Not when they're the size of a fucking semi.
I'm sorry, but I have doubt Ihave yuletide doubts.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (28:59):
Well.
SPEAKER_01 (29:03):
Well, we'll see.
We'll stick you in the snow andsee if you can hear a mountain
line tracking you.
How about that?
SPEAKER_05 (29:12):
Yeah, but that's different.
A mountain lion the size of amountain lion.
You're talking about one thesize of a fucking building.
SPEAKER_01 (29:19):
Cats are very stealthy.
unknown (29:21):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
Anyway.
Anyway.
Okay.
So the rules for the the thiscat is that if you did not
receive new clothes byChristmas, you were considered
lazy and you didn't contributeto the wool processing.
And therefore, the cat, you arefree reign for the cat to eat.
(29:44):
Yes.
And I said the cat will eat you,not in a good way.
SPEAKER_05 (29:49):
Because I'm poor.
That's why.
Because I couldn't afford newfucking clothes.
This goddamn this cat's anasshole.
That just goes to further proof.
Cats are assholes.
This is a judgmental fuckingpiece of shit.
SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
Well, no, you have George Clooney's shit in your
box.
If you would have, if you wouldhave participated in the rule
process, then you would havereceived your new sweater from
the rule processing.
Because you contributed, youwould have received something.
So the fact that you did notreceive anything means that you
did not participate with therest of the village.
(30:24):
Yeah.
Iceland wool production wasbasically life or death, right?
I mean, it's very veryhospitable, hospital, hospitable
conditions.
Hostile conditions.
Um, and so new clothes basicallymeant that you worked, you
contributed, you pulled yourweight before winter pulled on
(30:45):
you.
Uh, new, no new clothes meantyou've been chosen by the cat.
See you never.
So this was basicallyterror-based productivity
incentive.
You know, it was like if youdon't help, then you will die.
SPEAKER_05 (31:05):
So then Ford and Bezos were like, damn, this cat
fucking spit in.
SPEAKER_01 (31:11):
Yeah.
So the Yule Cat didn't targetthe wealthy.
So you're very right in thatthat it targeted, um, it
targeted children, farmhands,servants, orphans, the elderly,
and basically anyone that didn'thave any type of family protect
protection.
(31:32):
So it was it was very much likea social executioner with
whiskers.
This is not a very nice cat.
The Yule cat is often linkedwith, oh god, here's another
name that I can't pronounce.
Um Grayla.
(31:54):
Grayla?
Grayla?
Grayla?
We'll go with it.
Who was a mountain-dwellinggiantess who boils naughty
children, lives in thewilderness, and is mother to the
Yule lands.
And some stories say the catbelongs to her, or the cat hunts
(32:16):
for her, or just brings hersnacks.
And the snacks are the peoplethat it hunts.
And so this is like theimportant part.
The Yule cat doesn't hunt badpeople, it hunts people who are
struggling, people who areoverlooked in society, the
(32:38):
exhausted, and the ones whocan't keep up with the main
people.
SPEAKER_05 (32:44):
Okay, we get it.
Just say it.
The cat is after me.
Just say it.
SPEAKER_01 (32:50):
The cat enforces survival by removing the
weakest.
Um so yeah.
Um, another thing that it's saidto do that it can smell failure.
Um, so it can smell unfinishedwool, hunger, fear, the quiet
panic of falling behind.
(33:11):
And it's said to walk withoutsound, but if you hear it, it's
already too late because it'sready to eat you.
So today, though, the Yule Cathas gotten kind of a PR
makeover.
Um in uh Icelanders still, it'straditional for them to gift
(33:33):
clothes at Christmas.
Um, the Yule cat appears inbooks and songs and arts.
Um, Reykjavik even has a giantYule cat statue.
Um, it's very, it's it's becomea very kind of cute cat.
You know, it's become somethingto be celebrated.
(33:54):
Um, you know, they've made itinto a thing that's very
Instagrammable.
But historically, basically, youknow, this cat is a walking
crime scene.
SPEAKER_04 (34:06):
Walking crime.
Oh, I don't know, it's so funny.
SPEAKER_01 (34:13):
Uh yeah, that's that's all I have on the Yule
Cat.
Meow.
SPEAKER_04 (34:21):
Which brings us to our next one.
SPEAKER_05 (34:26):
One of one of my one of my actual favorites.
And if anyone out there knowsI'm not gonna say why it's one
of my favorites.
Um, but if anyone who reallyknows me, you'll probably pick
up why.
Anyhow, this one is The WildHunt.
This one's pretty great.
(34:47):
I kind of fucking love this one.
Anyhow, um, Origins of the WildHunt.
It is Germanic, Norse, Celtic.
It's very very European each ofthe different like tribes from
that area.
They all have um they're allincredibly similar.
Maybe they call them differentthings, but they're all the
exact same thing.
So that's another thing thatkind of makes really makes you
(35:08):
think that these are differentcultures that are separated by
thousands of miles, but theyhave literally the same stories,
just different names.
Kind of makes you go, hmm.
Anywho, um, they're often led bywhoever their all-father figure
is.
So for the Norse, it is um Odinor I forget which I think it's
(35:29):
Celtic once their all father isliterally like Woden.
So it's like Odin, and then justlike throw a W in front of it,
and then it's theirs.
So we're like, fuck it, we can'tfuck it, we don't got a name for
it.
Just throw another letter infront of it, call it say it's
different.
So, hey man, can I copy yourgods?
Yeah, but don't make it obvious.
Okay, W.
And then later down the lines,when there was more um
(35:52):
monotheism as says of apolytheistic bullshit of
governments as they saw them,governments uh religious as they
saw them, it was just kind ofjust like demonic figures.
Umly during winter storms iswhen the wild hunt would go to
take its ride.
Very meat and potatoes of it isexactly that.
It was the hunting party of theAll-Father.
(36:13):
So, yeah, way back when ancienttimes there would everyone just
get their hounds and theirhorses and they would fucking go
hunting.
It is essentially uh some ofthem, if I'm not mistaken, it
was kind of like the I believeit was Norse mythology where if
you couldn't get into Like youyou were a noble warrior
(36:35):
throughout your life, but youdied of, you know, you were just
too good, you just didn't die inbattle, you died of old age.
That's not considered like anhonorable death.
Odin you would kind of be inlike purgatory in a way until
the winter.
And then Odin would take you outon the wild hunt, and if you um
captured souls and so on, thatwas a way of redeeming yourself
of like same thing, like feedingthe fires of the afterlife or
(36:58):
whatever it is.
That was kind of your lastchance to get into Valhalla um
of the hunting party.
Um so there's d differentrituals that they believed of
why it was why the wild hunt wasimportant, but at the same time
they'll fucking terrifying.
SPEAKER_01 (37:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (37:13):
Either way.
Um, different types of manydifferent uh dead and dying
warriors, the different souls,demons, uh their hounds or the
hellhounds.
Umier, for the longest time, wasanother one of the big leaders
in Norse uh of the Wild Hunt.
Uh if you see the Wild Hunt, youjust so like you just kind of
hear it and you see it off, yougo to see who oh what's that
(37:34):
noise, you go and you see theactual hunt happening.
Um it wasn't always a guaranteedlike right then and there death.
If they saw you, you died.
If you saw them, it was still aa very bad um omen.
You're gonna have a reallyshitty year if you see them,
unless I think it's by the endof the hunt begins at the the
(37:58):
hunt starts at the beginning ofYule and the last day of Yule.
You have until the end of Yuleto do a very, very good deed um
to kind of relinquish that yearof because if you don't, you are
fucked.
There's no way around it.
You're gonna have a bad year.
If you don't kind of get off thebad juju from the wild hunt.
If you get the bad juju off ofYu-Yu.
It's not just like, oh no, likeI'm having kind of a shitty
(38:19):
year.
Like, no, literally death withinthe year.
So potential death throughoutthe year.
Um going insane, or forcedrecruitment into a military
service.
That's what's fun because it'svery vague there.
So it doesn't mean that you'regonna be conscripted to your
army.
You could be conquered and thenforced to fight in another
(38:41):
army's military.
So either way.
Um some of the different, like Isaid, so a lot of the different
cultures, their um, like I said,their all father was one who was
leading it.
Um, even to the parts of likethe um the druid tribes of um in
like uh France or known as Galiaand things like way back when in
(39:04):
the days of ancient times andshit.
Um King Arthur was actually saidto be the leader of the wild
hunt in some cultures back then.
So way, way before.
Um The noises you hear is uhlike it's it any of the
thunderstorms that happen in thewinter.
That was that was oh it's thewild hunt, stay indoors, stay
(39:27):
away.
So so just thunderous loud,hooves, horns, any type of
extremely um gusting wind, soany type of any blizzard, that's
what it was, was that it broughtthe wild hunt.
And that's what it was.
Um for your survival, dude forthe love of Christ, don't look
up.
So the opposite of what'd I callit?
(39:47):
So what they tell you to do on abridge, don't do during the wild
hunt.
Don't look down! No fuck that.
It's the wild hunt.
Don't look up because you willsee them.
They're like I said, they're notnecessarily looking for you.
We don't know what they'relooking for, but they're on the
fucking hunt.
Don't look at them because evenif like I said, if you look at
them, you're fucked.
Um you're supposed to lie justlie flat, motionless.
(40:08):
They can't see you.
Maybe they're T-Rexes, theycan't see you if you don't move.
Um, stay indoors.
They they don't got x-rayvision.
Just stay inside, don't go doanything.
And it's like, and never, everfor the love of God, ignorage
them.
Just ignore them.
Look away.
You see something, saysomething.
You see something, know you thefuck you didn't.
Keep your goddamn mouth shut.
SPEAKER_01 (40:27):
Kind of like kind of like Appalachian rules.
You know, if you hear somethingin the woods, no you didn't.
SPEAKER_05 (40:32):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (40:33):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (40:33):
Absolutely.
Or, you know, when you're atlike Walmart and you see someone
trying to steal food and to feedtheir family.
Do you see something?
No, the fuck you didn't.
SPEAKER_01 (40:41):
No, you didn't.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (40:43):
Yes.
Um a lot of the different um alot of the different um things
that it kind of symbolizes whatit could what what it could be
bring about, kind of where thestories kind of started.
It was the transition from oneyear into the next.
Um the absolute dominance thatwinter had.
(41:04):
Like I said, it's it's all funand cute and snow angels and
happy times now, but you know,the going theme is that people
were fucking terrified of thewinter.
They were absolutely terrifiedof the winter.
So it was just the massiveoverhanging, you know, you know,
the the the loom of impendingdoom that the winter had, just
(41:27):
its overall power that it had onyou know, your region, the
world, if you will, to them, theworld.
And it's just in in you know,the the the spectral planes of
because at least in Norse acouple of different cultures
there's no actual fire in hellor the underworld.
(41:47):
There's no burning and anguish.
Specifically Norse pathology,it's it's cold.
It's frozen.
It is a never-ending, icylandscape.
So that's where their feelingsthat that's where they're coming
from hell is because it's justthat's uh the the um they're
coming from hell to take thesouls to there, that and it's
just so fucking cold that theactual gates of Hellheim have
(42:09):
opened and it is pouring outinto the realms.
So pretty much anything thatChristianity says, North
mythology is like the hardest ofopposites for the most part.
Also, other things that youdon't want to do.
I'm just going through the notesnotes.
(42:30):
I'm just going through theheroes.
SPEAKER_01 (42:31):
You know what?
All you have to tell me is stayinside.
SPEAKER_05 (42:34):
Literally that.
Stay inside because you want toknow something else fun about
the wild hunt.
You could join by accident.
Like a drunken stupor and getjoin the military, kind of the
same thing.
Do me a favor, don't fuckingwhistle at night.
Just don't.
Because you're literally, it'syou're like, the motherfuckers
over there.
Go get them.
Like, just don't do it.
(42:56):
Don't call out into the storm,which I don't know why people do
that.
Like, hey, fuck off, Odin.
Like, don't do that becauseguess what?
He's gonna come fucking get ya.
Um, don't stand at thecrossroads.
Just don't, because they thinkyou're gonna be waiting on a
bus.
And guess what?
We're the bus.
To hell.
Get aboard.
They will literally just scoopyour ass up and take you.
They will take you as avolunteer.
SPEAKER_01 (43:18):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (43:20):
Last bit about them is there's all the fun
superstition around black cats,but during Yule, there's
actually a superstition aroundum just stray black dogs.
You know, and black cats is, youknow, bad luck and all this
other kind of fun stuff.
Stray black dogs during thewinter are actually the um the
precursor or the omen of thewild hunt, that like you're on
(43:42):
their radar kind of a thing.
So okay, so the story is thatthey're massive, like your
fucking Yule cat, yourfour-story, apparently silent
killer cat.
That's dead quiet, apparently,though it's the size of a
fucking truck.
Anyhow.
Um, but anyway, uh massive blackdogs.
(44:02):
Red eyes, they leave nofootprints, almost like they
just kind of hover through thesnow and through the ice.
Um they're very friendly.
They'll just kind of come up toyou and just be all like happy.
Like, they're not gonna likegrowl and like stalk you and try
to harm you at all.
If anything, they're trying toentice you.
Um, as they're like markers,they're the scouts for the wild
hunt.
Like, hey, get this man.
(44:23):
So if you see a uh a randomstray black dog during the
winter, run inside and don'tfucking whistle.
Just stay the hell away.
And now the moment everyone'sbeen waiting for.
Krampus.
Krampus.
Belshnickel.
SPEAKER_01 (44:40):
It's just so fun to say Krampus.
SPEAKER_05 (44:43):
Exactly.
You gotta say with a really badDutch accent, Krampus.
SPEAKER_01 (44:46):
I can't do that.
SPEAKER_05 (44:47):
Neither can I.
I don't even know if that'sDutch or whatever, but anyway.
SPEAKER_01 (44:50):
Krampus! So if Santa carries a carrot, then Krampus
is definitely the stick to thatcarrot.
SPEAKER_05 (45:02):
Oh, I thought you'd say Krampus is gonna take it and
shove it up your ass.
SPEAKER_01 (45:05):
Right.
Um No, he he actually, you know,is is made of birch sticks.
And I thought he just wieldedthem.
He's he's coming for your shins.
SPEAKER_04 (45:21):
Your shins.
SPEAKER_01 (45:22):
I can tell you that much.
So Krampus is that holidayfigure who eventually they tried
to give a gentle correction toum and make him into something
that he was never.
Um no, Krampus was like, uh, no,I traumatize and I'm going to
(45:48):
stay that way.
unknown (45:49):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (45:50):
He is he is he is nas.
He is the anti-Santa.
SPEAKER_01 (45:53):
Anti-Santa.
So he comes from AlpineFolklore.
Alpine folklore, Austria,Bavaria um, all the surrounding
mountains and areas, and he hasvery pagan roots.
Um, and so, you know, um, veryold, very, very pre-date.
(46:17):
Hey, Christianity, we're justgonna make this our own and
control the narrative.
SPEAKER_05 (46:23):
I'm pretty sure he's older than Santa.
SPEAKER_01 (46:25):
Oh, yeah, he is.
SPEAKER_05 (46:26):
Like he's he's way older.
Like he is arguably, to myknowledge, I think he is the
original, like holiday being.
You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01 (46:37):
Yeah, yeah.
Um, they try at earlier on thethe church tried to kind of
absorb him into the fold andpaired him with Saint Nick.
Um, but Krampus is like, nah, Idon't need this, it's not a good
cop, bad cop movie.
I don't need a buddy.
I am, I am Krampos.
SPEAKER_03 (47:00):
I am.
You are, therefore I am.
SPEAKER_01 (47:03):
Yeah.
So Krampus is described horned,hooved, hairy, long tongue.
SPEAKER_05 (47:13):
Enjoy Long's walk on the beach.
SPEAKER_01 (47:15):
Right.
He likes to drag his chains andbells.
SPEAKER_05 (47:21):
I mean, this is He's a hear me out, isn't he?
Come on, let's be honest.
He's a hear me out.
Krampus is a hear me out.
SPEAKER_01 (47:28):
To a lot of women, he's a hear me out.
He is a hear-me-out.
SPEAKER_05 (47:33):
Um, hairy, tongue, hooved, hairy, tongue, chains,
and bells.
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01 (47:38):
Yeah.
I mean, what more could youwant?
This is better than any bookboyfriend that you could
possibly ever read about.
Um he's less a holiday characterand more of like hell if it
learned how to play percussion.
SPEAKER_05 (47:58):
So the little drummer boy is Krampus.
Got it.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (48:00):
Safe.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, so in his job is verylimited.
He has one role, punishment.
SPEAKER_05 (48:09):
He's got one job, and goddammit, he's good at it.
SPEAKER_01 (48:12):
He's very good at it.
He doesn't give gifts or spreadjoy or care about if you've, you
know, spun spun your world ordyed your wool or anything else
that these other cats andcreatures care about.
(48:33):
He just he doesn't care aboutany of it.
Rewards are not in hisdepartment.
And um he is all aboutpunishment and enforcement.
SPEAKER_05 (48:43):
Listen, I know you're saying that he's he's not
about a good thing, but then youdescribed like let's just rewind
a little bit.
SPEAKER_00 (48:50):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (48:50):
People with people with daddy issues.
SPEAKER_00 (48:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (48:53):
Like you they're just sitting here listening to
this and are like, okay, when'sthe bad?
Like he's gonna beat me andsuffer and punish me.
Like, where's the bad in all ofthis?
Like, wipe the fucking drool,okay?
It's a monster.
Go see a therapist, okay?
Wipe the drool from both sets,okay?
Both sets of lips.
Come on.
SPEAKER_01 (49:12):
So I also want to like remind people, too, that
the story of Krampus has alwaysbeen a children's story.
So this is like what they use toI guess get kids to behave.
Like, we're gonna tell you thisstory about this person, and if
you don't behave, then you'regonna be stuffed in a sack or a
(49:36):
basket, and you're gonna bedragged off to hell or the
underworld to someplace that youdon't come back from.
SPEAKER_05 (49:44):
Like I said, negative and positive
reinforcement.
This was the original tale ofChristmas, and they realized
that the kids were just beingtraumatized and trying to
conquer and conquest all of theworld.
So it's like, okay, let's switchit.
So around holidays, instead ofyou better be good or you're
gonna fucking die, to hey, ifyou're good, you get gifts and
shit.
Like, you know, positivereinforcement, negative
reinforcement.
(50:04):
I'm just saying, once Nantastarted to become a lot popular,
a lot more popular, there was alot less conquest happening and
a lot less war.
SPEAKER_01 (50:10):
Yeah, you know what I mean?
And it really just depends onwhat, like what area you lived
in.
Sometimes he would just come inand beat children with birch
switches.
Sometimes he would just takethem and stuff them into a sack,
and then that would be the endof that child.
So it really just depends onwhere you live, whether you get
(50:33):
beat or taken.
SPEAKER_05 (50:34):
This evil goat look inside it's it's the taller
version of Phil from Hercules,just beating the piss out of
your kid with a fucking stick.
Just like, oh, you son of a Iwanted to do that.
Just beating the snot out ofyour little brat.
SPEAKER_01 (50:49):
So in the children that were taken by Krampus, are
you okay?
Did Krampus get you?
SPEAKER_02 (50:54):
No, I just my knee.
We're good.
SPEAKER_01 (50:56):
Oh, God.
See, I told you he was comingfor your shins.
SPEAKER_05 (51:00):
He comes for the never mind.
SPEAKER_01 (51:03):
Yeah.
Um, yeah, so the children, theywere never seen again.
But in some um, I guessiterations of the story, if they
did return, they would bedifferent.
They would be very quiet andkind of hollow, but very
obedient.
SPEAKER_05 (51:24):
Well, they were kidnapped by a fucking goat man
in the middle of the goddamnnight.
I wouldn't talk much either.
True.
Like, just like tell me wherethat doesn't absolutely
traumatize you.
Like, honestly, he didn't evenneed to like take them anywhere.
Just the middle of the night, hewakes them up, they see him, and
he just puts him in the bag andjust walks around town a couple
of times.
(51:44):
Like, doesn't take him now,never takes him out of the bag.
Just like shows up raw in thebag, kid, walks around for an
hour, brings him back, fuckingbe good.
Guess what?
That kid's gonna fucking shutthe hell up.
SPEAKER_01 (51:56):
Like, so way back when um they different um
villages and stuff in differentlocalities would have on
December 5th is oh god, I'm notgonna be able to say this.
Can you say it?
(52:16):
Krampa Krampus knock knocked.
SPEAKER_05 (52:19):
Krampus knock.
Krampus knock.
So Krampus Knight, night ofKrampus.
SPEAKER_01 (52:23):
Right.
Um, and basically men would bedressed as Krampus, they'd be
wearing these terrifying masks.
Uh again, when I read this, onceagain, doesn't sound like a bad
thing to some people.
Yeah.
Um strap on chains and bells.
They would be drinking heavily,chasing people through the
(52:45):
streets.
Uh, it was like controlledchaos.
SPEAKER_05 (52:49):
But oh no, a man in a mask with chains chasing me.
Oh no, good God, you all needtherapy.
SPEAKER_01 (52:59):
Oh no, what shall we ever do?
SPEAKER_05 (53:02):
Whatever should we do.
SPEAKER_01 (53:04):
But like historical records showed that, you know,
when they used to have thesefestivals and stuff, there were
a lot of injuries, fires, riots,death.
Um, and so his you know, likethe authorities have repeatedly
tried to ban uh Krampus knocked.
And but they failed.
(53:25):
Um, because basically you can'tlegislate a D's uh you can't
legislate a demon out of yourculture.
SPEAKER_05 (53:33):
I swear to God that you can't legislate these nuts.
I thought that's what you weregonna say.
I swear to fucking god, becauseyou said d's, I was like,
please.
SPEAKER_03 (53:42):
You cannot regulate these nuts.
SPEAKER_05 (53:45):
Cramp was just swinging his wang and chains
around and shit.
SPEAKER_01 (53:52):
So um, yeah, the uh uh going back to Christianity,
they they tried to sanitize himby like trying to make him into
like a softer Krampus.
SPEAKER_05 (54:07):
Um he was kind of tried to sanitize him.
SPEAKER_01 (54:11):
Santitize him.
Ooh.
Um He's sanitized.
That's exactly what I wasthinking of.
Um, but they try to make himinto like, yeah, he's scary, but
he's harmless.
It's it's he's just giving you awarning.
It's not anything bad, nothing'sgonna happen.
He's not evil.
SPEAKER_05 (54:32):
You know, he's just you know, like it's just like a
little reminder that sometimesoutcomes can be bad, but yeah,
like I think I I think even likemore modern telling is that like
they both go like him and itthey're like Batman and Robin,
apparently, Santa and Krampus.
It's like okay, if you're good,Santa leaves you presents and
(54:53):
takes the cookies.
But if you're if you're on thenaughty list, Krampus leaves you
coal and like no, ga fucked,mate.
SPEAKER_01 (55:00):
Right, right.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, but yeah, I mean that'spretty much all we had for
Krampus.
SPEAKER_05 (55:11):
I'm gonna listen, I'm gonna level with you.
Yes.
I think it's I think it's a goodstory.
I think it's a great story.
I love it.
I do I don't know, like I said,it's it's interesting how
cultures have changed and howhumanity has changed and like
the stories we used to tell kidsand what they tell them now.
You know, I made the jokes aboutpositive reinforcement, negative
reinforcement, blah, blah, blah,all that fun stuff.
Um I'm I gotta I gotta levelwith you.
(55:33):
Krampus is he's right, he'sright there, like on the line of
me being fucking over him.
He's right there with becomingpop culture.
SPEAKER_01 (55:44):
Oh yeah, I yeah, I definitely think.
SPEAKER_05 (55:47):
He's almost famous enough to be like Winter's
Pumpkin Spice.
You know what I mean?
He's right there.
SPEAKER_01 (55:52):
Well, I I and I'll tell you, it it has there we
have an oversaturation ofKrampus right now because again,
it's become the popular thing,the the you know, addition of
like book talk and you know,women getting their feelings out
about you know it's not even somuch that it's just that spooky
(56:17):
stuff and spooky season and ooh,spooky this, and like it's all
like what's you know, I don'twant what the fuck ever, you
know, it's not like a hipster,oh I've been like a spooky shit
forever, but it's like whensomeone sent me an invite to the
Krampus Crawl, which is a barcrawl that's happening in
(56:37):
downtown, like that's a bitfucking much.
SPEAKER_05 (56:41):
Yeah.
Like when you're starting tohave like themed bullshit, like
come on.
SPEAKER_01 (56:49):
Like you are like anytime anytime you bring
cultural things over to America,they become like it goes to
shit.
It it it does kind of go toshit, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (57:00):
Yeah, because we've got to make a buck off of it, so
it's just exactly, exactly.
Because like my firstintroduction to Krampus, I was
pretty, I was oh shit.
I was I was a little bit of akid, probably like in like uh,
you know, preteens, teenage orsomething like that, you know,
12, 13, whatever.
And like there was a couple ofhorror movies that came out.
Like there was, you know,actual, you know, I think some
(57:22):
of them were were just calledKrampus, and it was that they
were just little holiday horrormovies.
Um and I was like, hell yeah, Imean it's a little monster
thing, and you kind of learn alittle bit more, and also that
kind of like there is somereally good stuff out there
which is great, but it's likeand I have no problem with
cultures trying to kind of useit, like I said, yeah, it's
whatever it is with the uh youknow, like I said, trying to tie
(57:42):
it with Santa, going out as likesidekicks and whatever.
But it's just like I said, it'sjust really annoying when it's
just like everywhere becausethen you're just gonna get like
it's gonna get lost and it'sgonna get annoying very, very
fast.
SPEAKER_01 (57:58):
Yeah.
Yep.
Yep, I agree.
So next time somebody tells youChristmas used to be simpler,
warmer, and more wholesome.
Huh.
Just remember.
No, winter used to come withrules and enforcement and
checking your labor, labor, yourclothes, uh, your behavior.
(58:20):
And none of them really cared ifyou had a bad year.
There were stories that weren'tmeant to comfort, they were
meant to keep you alive or atleast make you become more
useful to society.
So enjoy your lights, enjoy yoursongs, enjoy the sanitized
(58:42):
version of the season, but justremember beneath it all, the old
spirits are still watching, andthey're gonna be very interested
in whether you finished yourwork.
SPEAKER_04 (58:55):
And they eat and kill and maim anyone who thinks
Die Hard is not a Christmasmovie.
SPEAKER_01 (59:01):
Yes, yes.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
Um, this is our holiday episode,so everyone, please have a very
Merry Christmas, happy holidays.
However, you celebrate with yourfriends and family.
I hope you have a good time.
(59:25):
We've had a hell of a year, anduh I think everyone deserves a
couple days to kick back, um,have some, you know, some good
food, some good beverages, andrelax.
We've all earned it.
SPEAKER_05 (59:42):
Most of us have earned it.
Some of us have earned theopposite, but still.
SPEAKER_01 (59:47):
Yeah, there's a couple people that, you know.
SPEAKER_02 (59:52):
But I digress.
SPEAKER_01 (59:53):
It's a couple people I regret.
SPEAKER_05 (01:00:00):
And that's our two per episode.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00:04):
Um, again the best thing that you can do for us is
just to share our episodes withyour friends, with your family.
SPEAKER_05 (01:00:13):
Like we we literally just not to be like that stupid,
trendy bullshit at the end ofthe year or whatnot, but like we
are literally just gettingstarted.
Like, yeah, we've been doing apodcast for a little bit, but
like the silly gooses is justlike you heard of the wild hunt?
Yeah, well we're the wild honk.
We're just getting started.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00:28):
Yes.
So with that, goodbye.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:37):
Uh-oh.
You doing a honk?
Or is it gonna be a honk?
SPEAKER_05 (01:00:44):
Happy days.
There you go, you got three.
Choose one.
They're just they're little pranksters, they're
(00:01):
little shitheads.
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (00:03):
Um I can see how you relate to them.
SPEAKER_05 (00:07):
Well, yeah, this is exactly why I was very like, I
read these guys and I was like,I don't think I have ever felt
so seen by a borderline demonicentity in my life.
Like everyone's like, oh, I'mthe devil because I'm so mean
and nasty.
It's like, no, you're not.
You got daddy issues, you haveto fucking go into therapy yet.
(00:27):
You're not the fucking devil.
Sit the hell down.
Like, I'm reading about theseguys and I'm like, I actually am
these.
Like, I am also too fairlyshort, very hairy.
I have weird deformed feet andI'm misshapened and grotesque.
Like, I am them.
They are me.
We are one.
SPEAKER_01 (01:02):
Before we begin today's episode, we would like
to share a quick disclaimer.
The views, opinions, andstatements expressed by the
hosts and guests on this podcastare their own personal views and
are provided in their owncapacity.
All content is editorial,opinion-based, and intended for
entertainment purposes only.
(01:23):
Listener discretion is advised.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Silly Goose Society.
Before we start, I have a quickquestion.
Did you finish your work?
Did you behave?
Absolutely not.
Did you get new clothes?
unknown (01:44):
No God, no.
SPEAKER_01 (01:45):
Because tonight's episode is not about joy.
It's not about magic.
And it's definitely not aboutsome fat man breaking into your
house to reward you.
Tonight, Uncle Tony.
Tonight is about winter justice.
We're talking about the oldChristmas spirits, the ones that
existed before Christianity puta bow on the season.
(02:08):
The ones that don't care ifyou're trying to be your best.
The ones that enforce survivalwith teeth, iron, claws, and
consequence.
These are not Santa adjacentcreatures.
They don't negotiate.
They don't teach lessons.
They punish, they take, theycorrect the balance.
(02:31):
So pour yourself a drink, getinto your coziest sweater
because apparently that reallymatters.
And remember, if you're hearingthis, you've already survived
the winter audit.
So let's begin.
SPEAKER_05 (02:46):
Wait, I'm getting fucking audited?
SPEAKER_01 (02:47):
Yeah.
This is all about auditing.
SPEAKER_05 (02:55):
Like, nope, it's about audit.
It's about people with pocketprotectors, a stick up their
ass, and the man barking downtheir neck.
SPEAKER_01 (03:02):
Right.
unknown (03:04):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
The first one that I want to talk about is Frau
Perchta, who is the originalwinter auditor.
SPEAKER_05 (03:15):
You're calling winter auditors, and I'm sorry.
I'm just seeing like a bunch oflike suits with like an abacus.
unknown (03:23):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (03:25):
You know what I mean?
But like trutching through thesnow in like a parka.
You know what I mean?
Like you just can't call themauditors.
You can't.
You just can't.
SPEAKER_01 (03:36):
So if you thought Santa was watching to see if you
were naughty or nice,congratulations.
You've dramaticallyunderestimated winter because
Perchda doesn't bring coal ifyou're bad.
She brings fucking surgery.
unknown (03:53):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (03:56):
So some origins about Perchda.
Perchta comes from the Alpineregions of Austria, Bavaria,
Switzerland, and she is ancient.
Like pre-Christian, pagan,ancient.
SPEAKER_05 (04:11):
Like older than your mama.
SPEAKER_01 (04:13):
Right.
Back when winter wasn't cozyvibes or hot cocoa, it was
pretty much please don't leteveryone die.
SPEAKER_05 (04:22):
I mean, isn't that still Christmas?
Isn't that still winter?
Please.
Please make sure no one dies.
SPEAKER_01 (04:28):
You're right.
So she began as a fertilitygoddess and a household spirit,
and casually a bringer of death.
Um, her name came from, and I'mgonna butcher this, but it came
from Birat, meaning bright,which is fascinating because
(04:49):
later descriptions of her arelike, yes, bright, bright, like
a corpse lantern with an ironnose.
So Perchda has basically two,she's dual-formed.
Because, you know, what womandoesn't have two sides to her.
SPEAKER_05 (05:07):
I hey, I let you say it.
I let you have any idea how hardI've been biting my fucking
tongue so far because of likeall the shit I could be saying
about all so much of this.
SPEAKER_01 (05:20):
So there is the white perchta who is radiant and
beautiful and rewards hard work.
And she's like the winter's HRmanager that really likes you.
Then you have Black Perchta, whois depicted as she's a broken
(05:43):
down, crooked woman, veryragged, has an iron nose, and
she literally looks like shelives exclusively on spite and
unfinished chores.
And so guess which most peoplemeet.
SPEAKER_05 (06:02):
Guess which one most people meet?
SPEAKER_01 (06:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (06:04):
I guess it depends which area we're talking about.
I'm assuming I'm assuming BlackPerchda.
SPEAKER_01 (06:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (06:08):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:09):
So from December 25th to January 6th, during the
12 nights of Yule, Perchda willvisit homes.
Not metaphorically, shephysically visits homes.
And she checks three things.
Did you finish your spinning?
Did you obey social rules?
(06:32):
And did you respect the oldways?
SPEAKER_05 (06:36):
So all you all you fitness influencers, your fit
influencers out there, did yougo to your spinning class?
Did you tell everyone aboutdetox teas?
And some joke about the oldways.
SPEAKER_01 (06:47):
Right, right.
So just so yeah, just toclarify, spinning wasn't a
chore.
Spinning was basically cosmicorder, uh, like a thread equals
fate, life itself.
So if you did finish yourspinning, you didn't just
procrastinate, you like insulinsulated your destiny.
(07:12):
So if you failed at any of thesetasks, she doesn't scold you,
she doesn't like ground you, shedoesn't leave you passive
aggressive notes.
This is what she does.
Per my last email, none offinish your fucking spinning.
Um, she will slit open yourabdomen, remove your organs, and
(07:36):
replace them with straw, stones,or garbage.
SPEAKER_06 (07:40):
Ooh.
SPEAKER_01 (07:42):
Which is a very pointed metaphor for you did not
contribute to society.
And children were especiallyvulnerable to her auditing.
I'm gonna say auditing.
So, you know, like finish yourcrafts, kids out there
listening, or become a hauntedscarecrow.
SPEAKER_05 (08:06):
Or garbage can.
SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
And this fits right in with us um because some
traditions describe Perchta ashaving one iron nose and one
goose foot.
SPEAKER_05 (08:22):
That's true.
SPEAKER_01 (08:23):
That is true.
SPEAKER_05 (08:25):
That's not us being cute.
Look that shit up.
It's not a bag leg, it's a hunkleg.
SPEAKER_01 (08:36):
So the folklore basically is like it's it's like
she is not human, she walksbetween worlds, and she will
absolutely ruin your evening.
And the goose foot likely likelyties her to older animal
spirits, fertility, migration,which is kind of beautiful on
(08:57):
its on its face value.
Um, but the iron nose justscreams like I've survived
something you would neversurvive.
SPEAKER_02 (09:10):
See some things, man.
I've seen some stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (09:13):
Wouldn't recommend it.
SPEAKER_05 (09:15):
So back to the She said like a haunted Vietnam vet
from years past.
SPEAKER_01 (09:25):
So back to the children.
Um, in Darker Lore, Perchdadidn't just punish children, she
claimed them.
Um, specifically, she wouldclaim unbaptized children,
sickly infants, and babies bornduring the 12 nights.
And instead of condemning them,she basically became their
(09:46):
keeper in the afterlife.
So she's terrifying, but she'salso kind of like, I don't know,
some kind of like grim winterfoster mom.
Just some notes on why thechurch hated her and tried to
erase her out of existence.
SPEAKER_05 (10:04):
One, she was a woman who was empowered.
SPEAKER_01 (10:07):
True.
Right.
Um, but they tried to erase herby calling her a witch, calling
her a demon, uh evil old woman,every trope that you could think
of.
Um, and the villagers basicallywould say, you know, like, cool
sermon, bro, but look, we'llwe're still even we're still
leaving her food.
SPEAKER_05 (10:27):
Cool sermon, bro, but I was like, I'll do my own
research.
Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_01 (10:32):
Yeah, like you know, we we are still in fear of a
winter goddess who removesorgans.
Uh we're not debating this.
We are cooking her dumplings.
SPEAKER_05 (10:43):
We're cooking her dumplings.
Wait a minute.
Is that all I gotta do is getfree dumplings?
Is just like disembowel peopleand turn them into scarecrows?
SPEAKER_01 (10:49):
Yeah.
So I mean basically I lovedumplings, man.
Basically, like that's how yougot on Perchda's good side is
you had to finish your spinningbefore the Yule.
You had to eat traditional foodslike gruel or dumplings, and
then you had to leave offerings.
So basically, it was just likebe productive, be respectful,
(11:11):
and feed the winter hag.
SPEAKER_04 (11:17):
I'm just off the plague.
SPEAKER_01 (11:29):
So today uh she survives because um their annual
um Perchdenloaf festivals, and Ihopefully I said that right.
Um so basically they're maskwinter parades with horns,
grotesque faces, um,nightmare-fueled craftsmanship.
(11:50):
These masks are not fun.
And I will be posting photos ofthese masks of Perchda on our
Instagram.
Um, but they're meant tobasically appease her or scare
her away or to confuse her intothinking she's basically already
did the murdering.
SPEAKER_05 (12:08):
So, you know.
She's like, Oh, I've alreadybeen here.
My bad.
Yeah, I've already been here.
Like her little mouth.
SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
Yeah, yeah.
So just remember, Perchda is notSanta adjacent.
She is winter justice.
Um, and she doesn't care whetheryou were naughty or nice, she
just cares whether you wereuseful.
And that's all I have forPerchda.
SPEAKER_05 (12:32):
She just cares if you were useful.
So she's just like a fuckboy.
SPEAKER_01 (12:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (12:37):
Perchsta's just a fuckboy, like an ancient
Germanic fuckboy.
Nice.
Yeah.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Uh also, the like masks and allof that kind of shit.
Isn't that like the ones thatit's aren't they like elk and
like deer skulls that peoplewould wear?
Wasn't that isn't like the sameidea or the same um or am I
getting that mixed up with theuh the Gaelic traditions?
SPEAKER_01 (12:59):
So I'm looking at, yeah, I'm I'm looking at some of
um oh maybe I've got pick no thethe pictures of perched it are
um very much like thequintessential stereotypical
like old hag with the with a bigcrooked nose.
(13:22):
They're they're very, very scarythough.
These are fucking scary masks.
SPEAKER_05 (13:28):
I mean I believe it.
If it's if it's if it's beingused to scare away the spirit
that literally turns you, likeyou said, into a walking-talking
scarecrow from hell, I don't seethem being like a my little pony
kind of like cutesy wootsyfucking masks.
Like, you know?
If it's supposed to scare thataway, I can only imagine.
SPEAKER_01 (13:50):
Yeah.
Hang on, I'm shooting thosepictures over to you so you can
see what I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_05 (13:55):
Oh god, yeah, because for the love of fuck.
SPEAKER_01 (14:04):
I told you they are they are they are scary.
SPEAKER_05 (14:08):
Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good with that.
I'm good.
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (14:20):
Anywho, so my turn, right?
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
Yeah.
And I'm sending you I'm sendingyou pictures of your guy.
SPEAKER_05 (14:28):
I mean, I already know, I just look in the mirror
and that's exactly what I canonly imagine what this asshole
looks like.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Elkheads.
There you go.
I'm getting those.
Anywho.
Um Right, so I apologize toanyone of this um ethnicity or
(14:51):
culture if I'm butchering thename on this one.
But I'm I'm also gonna becompletely honest.
I first heard about these guyslike the other day when we were
planning out this episode.
It was the very first time I'veheard of these guys, and I kind
of love them.
I think they need their own likesitcom.
Some type of a TV show, you knowwhat I mean?
There needs to be some type of afucking there has to be a show.
Send these guys over to likeJohn Mullaney and Nick Kroll,
(15:14):
and once you know they'vefinished with Big Mouth, they
just need to make their ownversion of these little
shitheads.
Anywho.
I'll the uh let's see, the uhKalikansroy?
Kalikansroy, something like thatone?
I don't know.
Greek and Baltic folklore, soMediterranean all around that
kind of area.
So I apologize if I've butcheredthe name, the pronunciation.
(15:37):
Either way.
Yeah, these little furryred-eyed goblin dudes who live
underground, and they're notlike super evil, like some of
the other like evil Christmasspirits that you'll hear about.
Like they're not gonna go andlike eat you and kill you and
turn you into a scarecrow orwhatever the hell that's.
They're just gonna like fuckwith you like so much.
(15:58):
They're these little mischievouslittle menaces, which I kinda
love.
It's almost like I almost feellike they should be a part of
Halloween with like thetrick-or-treat kind of thing.
And now I'm really starting tothink that these guys were the
inspiration for Lock Shock andBarrel for the nightmare before
Christmas.
Swear to God, like tell me theyare not these little bastards.
They oh my god, they absolutelyare.
(16:19):
They literally live undergroundat the tree.
No, they live in the tree.
Whatever.
There's a tree in the lair.
They are absolutely doesn'tmatter.
So they appeared through the 12,the uh the 12 days of Christmas.
Or or Yule, my mistake.
Yule.
My bad.
Um, pretty much their solepurpose was sawing at the uh the
(16:45):
world tree.
Or the tree of life, orwhichever one you go on to with
that one.
So that's literally their job.
They were just like, thisfucking tree has got to go.
So I'm just seeing like a dozenof these little bastards, just
like with one of those giantsaws going back and forth.
SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
Back and forth, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (17:00):
And like one's like, I don't know, I don't know why,
but I kind of picture them inlike those big like foreman.
No, no, no, no, they're all, youknow, yeah, maybe there's one
who's just sitting there.
They they in my brain they'rekind of like gremlins, like
little furry gremlins, like withlike clothed hooves and all
things, so it's like littlesatyrs or kind of like.
But I don't know why they're inlike some of them are in like
those old timey like long johnswith like the big buttons, and
(17:22):
for whatever reason, as they'redoing that big saw, one of like
the buttons gets caught on it,and now he's getting like sent
back and forth through it.
Like you've seen like cartoonsand cheese like that's what I'm
picturing in my head right now,these little shitheads trying to
cut down the tree.
Um But during the holidays,during Yule, they abandon the uh
they abandon their task, theirjob.
(17:43):
They're like, alright, we've hadit, we've we've been trying at
this all year.
What's the worst that couldhappen if we leave for the next
couple of days and we go andfuck with everybody?
Um and the only reason why theywould leave during those times
is because like the gods wereyou know busy like being
celebrated and going getting alltheir foods and their offerings
and so on and so forth.
So like their little gatekeeperwas watching, so like, hey, the
guard's not here, let's go out.
Anywho.
(18:04):
And that's literally they would,like I said, they're not going
out, they're not killing,they're not murdering.
I swear to God.
They will just head out to thevillages, to the towns, to the
whatever the hell.
And they'll they'll break intoyour they'll they will break
into your house.
They're not gonna eat the foodyou leave out, they're gonna sp
(18:25):
they're gonna leave your fridgeopen.
They're gonna turn yourmicrowave on its side.
Shoutouts to mom and my friendson that one.
They're gonna spoil all yourfood.
They're gonna put your fireplaceout, they're gonna extinguish
the fire, do all that other kindof bullshit.
They're just gonna mess at youin your sleep, they're like your
paralysis demon, and they'regonna like, you know what I also
see them doing?
Putting like the whipped creamor like the shaving cream in
your hand, like tickling yournose with like their fat with
(18:47):
like their tail or somethinglike that.
So you They're just they'relittle pranksters, they're
little shitheads, that's it.
SPEAKER_00 (18:52):
Um I can see how you relate to them.
SPEAKER_05 (18:55):
Well, yeah, this is exactly why I was very like I
read these guys and I was like,I don't think I have ever felt
so seen by a borderline demonicentity in my life.
Like everyone's like, oh, I'mthe devil because I'm so mean
and nasty.
It's like, no, you're not.
You got daddy issues, and youhave to fucking go into therapy
yet.
(19:15):
You're not the fucking devil.
Sit the hell down.
Like, I'm reading about theseguys and I'm like, I actually am
these.
Like, I am also too fairlyshort, very hairy.
I have weird deformed feet, andI'm misshapened and grotesque.
Like, I am them.
They are me.
We are one.
(19:36):
They're not exactly the most,like I said, they're not the
most efficient killers, if youwill.
Yeah, I'm sure there was one ortwo witnesses they kind of had
to get rid of because, you know,they were like, oh yeah, get
that fucking kid or whatnot.
But like, they are just likethey're just little shitheads,
man.
They are chaos unbound, releasedonto the earth.
(19:57):
Like they inconvenience you so.
So much.
They'll hide the remote.
They'll take all the labels offof your cans.
unknown (20:04):
Oh god.
SPEAKER_05 (20:05):
They'll switch all the DVDs around on you.
I think the only potentiallyreally dangerous thing that they
do is putting the uh isextinguishing the fire because,
like, you know, way back when inancient times, you know, you
didn't have fucking, you know,well, let me just go turn the
thermostat and turn my heat out.
No, you had to fucking keep thegoddamn fire going.
So like they would put the fireout and like you could freeze to
death.
(20:25):
But at the same time, I don'tknow if anyone would sleep
through that.
Doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_01 (20:29):
Um when you said taking the labels off of cans
and stuff, I was thinking, and Iwas, oh no, how are we gonna
find our soup for our chips?
SPEAKER_05 (20:47):
Oh my god, I hope this is Michael Cheddar, son of
a bitch.
SPEAKER_01 (20:53):
You know what?
That's what you call a callback.
SPEAKER_05 (21:02):
Well, at least we never regret meeting them.
SPEAKER_01 (21:06):
Yeah, true.
SPEAKER_05 (21:09):
Anywho.
Unlike some people, unlike somepeople, honk, honk.
I know you're probably sittingthere thinking, hey, hey, Goose
Wayne, we've been saying allthese things about these little
mischievous bastards.
However, will I protect myselffrom these little shitheads?
SPEAKER_04 (21:33):
You piece of shit slop.
I'll tell you.
SPEAKER_05 (21:35):
I don't mind being so mean.
I need to cut it back in thecaffeine, that's why.
SPEAKER_01 (21:40):
No, these are these creatures have infected you.
SPEAKER_05 (21:43):
I am them.
They are me.
We are one.
SPEAKER_01 (21:46):
We are one.
SPEAKER_05 (21:48):
I'll tell you how.
Keep the fires burning.
Okay?
Well, take some goddamnaccountability.
Start the fire, keep it going,get it hot, scare them away.
Cause you make more work forthem.
Make a big fire.
Big fire.
I am chief.
Want big fire.
Burn your old shoes.
I'm gonna be completely honest.
(22:09):
Don't know why, but that's whatmy notes say.
Burn your old shoes.
You haven't worn them sincecollege.
Oh yeah, I'm gonna fit it.
No, you're not gonna fit inthose pumps anymore.
It looks like you're trying tostuff a loaf of bread into a
fucking Barbie dream house.
It's not happening.
Like, throw them out.
Burn 'em.
Protect yourself.
Um hang colanders, sifters,meshes, those things, you know,
(22:31):
your little cooking things youdump your pasta in.
Hang them up.
Because guess what?
They are so ridiculous.
They're gonna sit there andthey're gonna have to count all
of the fucking holes in them.
But here's the catch.
Why they're doomed to eternity,and one more reason why they're
so angry.
They can't count past two.
So I'm gonna pick these littlegoblin bastards.
(22:53):
One, two, one, two, fuck.
One.
Two just forever.
They're just gonna sit thereforever and ever, just counting
up to two.
Because three is sacred, theholy trinity, three is company,
three strikes and you're out.
Like, they're afraid of the wordthe word, the number three.
So yeah, they can't they can'tcount past two.
(23:16):
So put something, put somethingwith three holes up, and you
know what?
I'm gonna leave that joke rightthere.
Put something with three holesup to run away.
Never mind.
SPEAKER_01 (23:24):
Moving on, your turn.
Oh my god.
There's so many it's low-hangingfruit, though.
SPEAKER_05 (23:31):
Yeah, it's very low-hanging fruit.
Very low-hanging fruit.
Yeah.
And you know, like holy waterand other typical stuff to like
ward off like demons andspirits.
Like throwing salt over yourfucking shoulders.
Throw the salt.
SPEAKER_03 (23:42):
Keep these little bastards away because they're
gonna jump up going salt in myeyes.
SPEAKER_05 (23:47):
Or whatever the hell they say.
I don't know what the hell thatvoice was.
Um, but I think I think one ofmy favorite things about these
little shitheads.
Um, when everything's over andthey return back to their lair,
and they're like, Wow, man, thatwas a great timeout, and they're
(24:08):
high-fiving each other.
Hey, remember that old lady youthrew eggs at?
Yeah, but that was funny.
That goat you stole, and youkind of wrote, yeah, that was
your mother.
No, it wasn't.
They get back to their layerwhere the world tree is, and
guess what?
It's healed.
And they just look at it andthey go, ah fuck.
See, that's why they go out andthey screw with everybody, is
because they think the humansare fixing the tree.
(24:29):
So then they gotta go back out.
And they gotta go all overagain.
The heat they they worked allyear long to cut this damn tree
down, and all of their work,they didn't save before the
power reset.
They didn't like back anythingup to the cloud, none of that
shit.
They come back and it is a fullygrown, repurposed tree.
And these bastards gotta startall over again.
(24:54):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was um pretty rough.
Pretty rough.
Um there things that kind ofkeep the way, uh, apparently
they hate like order and goodthings in prim and proper.
So these guys are definitelyADHD.
SPEAKER_06 (25:12):
Hands down.
SPEAKER_05 (25:13):
They they're sounds like it.
They hate clean homes, they hatesymmetry, they don't like people
who are disciplined, so all I'msaying is they're gonna fit
right the fuck in here.
Like, they they probably do livein here.
Those are probably little shitsthat are messing everything up
in my goddamn living abode.
SPEAKER_01 (25:28):
Um They're in direct, they're in direct odds
with Perchda.
SPEAKER_05 (25:33):
They really are, like, y you know, yin and yang,
heads or tails, lamb and tunafish.
Like, there is one, there youcannot have one without the
other.
SPEAKER_01 (25:44):
I want to talk about the Yule Cat.
SPEAKER_05 (25:48):
You would.
SPEAKER_01 (25:49):
Yule cat or the Yolakaturen.
I had to I had to hear apronunciation of that because
it's not spelled how it sounds.
SPEAKER_05 (26:00):
Yeah, no, I had that once.
I went to the doctor, he gave mea shot and cleared up in like a
day or so.
So if you'll cock is torn.
Thanks.
SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
Oh shit.
Okay, I'm not pronouncing thatword again.
You got it once.
Um, so if you thought Christmasmonsters were about morality,
being kind, sharing, learninglessons, Iceland basically said,
no.
The only thing we care about isdid you work?
SPEAKER_05 (26:38):
Such lovely people.
SPEAKER_01 (26:40):
Right.
Um, so this the the Yule cat isa creature whose entire job
description is identify the lazyand eat them.
SPEAKER_05 (26:57):
From a cat.
SPEAKER_01 (26:59):
From a cat.
SPEAKER_05 (27:00):
Um pound for pound, one of the laziest animals known
to man.
Proceed.
SPEAKER_01 (27:04):
Basically, the yule cat comes from Icelandic
folklore.
Um, and it was basically born ina place where winter isn't
festive, as we've learned fromthe last two creatures.
Um, yeah, none of these, none ofthese are happy creatures.
Um, but you know, winter in someof these places, you deal with
(27:29):
hostile living conditions.
And so this myth isn't aboutfun, it was about basically
survival.
Everyone had to help processwool.
Everyone.
There were no vibes, no excuses,no, I was too tired.
Um so, yeah.
(27:51):
So this cat, um, it is not a youknow, ps ps get in the bag kind
of cat, right?
You do not want to take this cathome with you.
It's enormous.
So it's not you.
If it's if it's wait, if it'snot meant to be friend, why is
it friend-shaped?
But the Yule cat is basicallyenormous.
(28:14):
Um, it is black as the polarnight.
SPEAKER_05 (28:17):
She says a big old pussy.
SPEAKER_01 (28:20):
Eyes like ice.
It's large enough to peer into asecond story window, and it
basically stalks villagersduring Yule time very silently,
very patiently.
SPEAKER_05 (28:35):
Silently.
SPEAKER_01 (28:37):
Very silently.
SPEAKER_05 (28:38):
It's the size of a fucking whale.
How the hell can it peer into asecond-story building?
SPEAKER_01 (28:44):
Yeah, and it stalks very silent.
Cats are very silent, even bigcats.
SPEAKER_05 (28:48):
Not when they're the size of a fucking semi.
I'm sorry, but I have doubt Ihave yuletide doubts.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (28:59):
Well.
SPEAKER_01 (29:03):
Well, we'll see.
We'll stick you in the snow andsee if you can hear a mountain
line tracking you.
How about that?
SPEAKER_05 (29:12):
Yeah, but that's different.
A mountain lion the size of amountain lion.
You're talking about one thesize of a fucking building.
SPEAKER_01 (29:19):
Cats are very stealthy.
unknown (29:21):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
Anyway.
Anyway.
Okay.
So the rules for the the thiscat is that if you did not
receive new clothes byChristmas, you were considered
lazy and you didn't contributeto the wool processing.
And therefore, the cat, you arefree reign for the cat to eat.
(29:44):
Yes.
And I said the cat will eat you,not in a good way.
SPEAKER_05 (29:49):
Because I'm poor.
That's why.
Because I couldn't afford newfucking clothes.
This goddamn this cat's anasshole.
That just goes to further proof.
Cats are assholes.
This is a judgmental fuckingpiece of shit.
SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
Well, no, you have George Clooney's shit in your
box.
If you would have, if you wouldhave participated in the rule
process, then you would havereceived your new sweater from
the rule processing.
Because you contributed, youwould have received something.
So the fact that you did notreceive anything means that you
did not participate with therest of the village.
(30:24):
Yeah.
Iceland wool production wasbasically life or death, right?
I mean, it's very veryhospitable, hospital, hospitable
conditions.
Hostile conditions.
Um, and so new clothes basicallymeant that you worked, you
contributed, you pulled yourweight before winter pulled on
(30:45):
you.
Uh, new, no new clothes meantyou've been chosen by the cat.
See you never.
So this was basicallyterror-based productivity
incentive.
You know, it was like if youdon't help, then you will die.
SPEAKER_05 (31:05):
So then Ford and Bezos were like, damn, this cat
fucking spit in.
SPEAKER_01 (31:11):
Yeah.
So the Yule Cat didn't targetthe wealthy.
So you're very right in thatthat it targeted, um, it
targeted children, farmhands,servants, orphans, the elderly,
and basically anyone that didn'thave any type of family protect
protection.
(31:32):
So it was it was very much likea social executioner with
whiskers.
This is not a very nice cat.
The Yule cat is often linkedwith, oh god, here's another
name that I can't pronounce.
Um Grayla.
(31:54):
Grayla?
Grayla?
Grayla?
We'll go with it.
Who was a mountain-dwellinggiantess who boils naughty
children, lives in thewilderness, and is mother to the
Yule lands.
And some stories say the catbelongs to her, or the cat hunts
(32:16):
for her, or just brings hersnacks.
And the snacks are the peoplethat it hunts.
And so this is like theimportant part.
The Yule cat doesn't hunt badpeople, it hunts people who are
struggling, people who areoverlooked in society, the
(32:38):
exhausted, and the ones whocan't keep up with the main
people.
SPEAKER_05 (32:44):
Okay, we get it.
Just say it.
The cat is after me.
Just say it.
SPEAKER_01 (32:50):
The cat enforces survival by removing the
weakest.
Um so yeah.
Um, another thing that it's saidto do that it can smell failure.
Um, so it can smell unfinishedwool, hunger, fear, the quiet
panic of falling behind.
(33:11):
And it's said to walk withoutsound, but if you hear it, it's
already too late because it'sready to eat you.
So today, though, the Yule Cathas gotten kind of a PR
makeover.
Um in uh Icelanders still, it'straditional for them to gift
(33:33):
clothes at Christmas.
Um, the Yule cat appears inbooks and songs and arts.
Um, Reykjavik even has a giantYule cat statue.
Um, it's very, it's it's becomea very kind of cute cat.
You know, it's become somethingto be celebrated.
(33:54):
Um, you know, they've made itinto a thing that's very
Instagrammable.
But historically, basically, youknow, this cat is a walking
crime scene.
SPEAKER_04 (34:06):
Walking crime.
Oh, I don't know, it's so funny.
SPEAKER_01 (34:13):
Uh yeah, that's that's all I have on the Yule
Cat.
Meow.
SPEAKER_04 (34:21):
Which brings us to our next one.
SPEAKER_05 (34:26):
One of one of my one of my actual favorites.
And if anyone out there knowsI'm not gonna say why it's one
of my favorites.
Um, but if anyone who reallyknows me, you'll probably pick
up why.
Anyhow, this one is The WildHunt.
This one's pretty great.
(34:47):
I kind of fucking love this one.
Anyhow, um, Origins of the WildHunt.
It is Germanic, Norse, Celtic.
It's very very European each ofthe different like tribes from
that area.
They all have um they're allincredibly similar.
Maybe they call them differentthings, but they're all the
exact same thing.
So that's another thing thatkind of makes really makes you
(35:08):
think that these are differentcultures that are separated by
thousands of miles, but theyhave literally the same stories,
just different names.
Kind of makes you go, hmm.
Anywho, um, they're often led bywhoever their all-father figure
is.
So for the Norse, it is um Odinor I forget which I think it's
(35:29):
Celtic once their all father isliterally like Woden.
So it's like Odin, and then justlike throw a W in front of it,
and then it's theirs.
So we're like, fuck it, we can'tfuck it, we don't got a name for
it.
Just throw another letter infront of it, call it say it's
different.
So, hey man, can I copy yourgods?
Yeah, but don't make it obvious.
Okay, W.
And then later down the lines,when there was more um
(35:52):
monotheism as says of apolytheistic bullshit of
governments as they saw them,governments uh religious as they
saw them, it was just kind ofjust like demonic figures.
Umly during winter storms iswhen the wild hunt would go to
take its ride.
Very meat and potatoes of it isexactly that.
It was the hunting party of theAll-Father.
(36:13):
So, yeah, way back when ancienttimes there would everyone just
get their hounds and theirhorses and they would fucking go
hunting.
It is essentially uh some ofthem, if I'm not mistaken, it
was kind of like the I believeit was Norse mythology where if
you couldn't get into Like youyou were a noble warrior
(36:35):
throughout your life, but youdied of, you know, you were just
too good, you just didn't die inbattle, you died of old age.
That's not considered like anhonorable death.
Odin you would kind of be inlike purgatory in a way until
the winter.
And then Odin would take you outon the wild hunt, and if you um
captured souls and so on, thatwas a way of redeeming yourself
of like same thing, like feedingthe fires of the afterlife or
(36:58):
whatever it is.
That was kind of your lastchance to get into Valhalla um
of the hunting party.
Um so there's d differentrituals that they believed of
why it was why the wild hunt wasimportant, but at the same time
they'll fucking terrifying.
SPEAKER_01 (37:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_05 (37:13):
Either way.
Um, different types of manydifferent uh dead and dying
warriors, the different souls,demons, uh their hounds or the
hellhounds.
Umier, for the longest time, wasanother one of the big leaders
in Norse uh of the Wild Hunt.
Uh if you see the Wild Hunt, youjust so like you just kind of
hear it and you see it off, yougo to see who oh what's that
(37:34):
noise, you go and you see theactual hunt happening.
Um it wasn't always a guaranteedlike right then and there death.
If they saw you, you died.
If you saw them, it was still aa very bad um omen.
You're gonna have a reallyshitty year if you see them,
unless I think it's by the endof the hunt begins at the the
(37:58):
hunt starts at the beginning ofYule and the last day of Yule.
You have until the end of Yuleto do a very, very good deed um
to kind of relinquish that yearof because if you don't, you are
fucked.
There's no way around it.
You're gonna have a bad year.
If you don't kind of get off thebad juju from the wild hunt.
If you get the bad juju off ofYu-Yu.
It's not just like, oh no, likeI'm having kind of a shitty
(38:19):
year.
Like, no, literally death withinthe year.
So potential death throughoutthe year.
Um going insane, or forcedrecruitment into a military
service.
That's what's fun because it'svery vague there.
So it doesn't mean that you'regonna be conscripted to your
army.
You could be conquered and thenforced to fight in another
(38:41):
army's military.
So either way.
Um some of the different, like Isaid, so a lot of the different
cultures, their um, like I said,their all father was one who was
leading it.
Um, even to the parts of likethe um the druid tribes of um in
like uh France or known as Galiaand things like way back when in
(39:04):
the days of ancient times andshit.
Um King Arthur was actually saidto be the leader of the wild
hunt in some cultures back then.
So way, way before.
Um The noises you hear is uhlike it's it any of the
thunderstorms that happen in thewinter.
That was that was oh it's thewild hunt, stay indoors, stay
(39:27):
away.
So so just thunderous loud,hooves, horns, any type of
extremely um gusting wind, soany type of any blizzard, that's
what it was, was that it broughtthe wild hunt.
And that's what it was.
Um for your survival, dude forthe love of Christ, don't look
up.
So the opposite of what'd I callit?
(39:47):
So what they tell you to do on abridge, don't do during the wild
hunt.
Don't look down! No fuck that.
It's the wild hunt.
Don't look up because you willsee them.
They're like I said, they're notnecessarily looking for you.
We don't know what they'relooking for, but they're on the
fucking hunt.
Don't look at them because evenif like I said, if you look at
them, you're fucked.
Um you're supposed to lie justlie flat, motionless.
(40:08):
They can't see you.
Maybe they're T-Rexes, theycan't see you if you don't move.
Um, stay indoors.
They they don't got x-rayvision.
Just stay inside, don't go doanything.
And it's like, and never, everfor the love of God, ignorage
them.
Just ignore them.
Look away.
You see something, saysomething.
You see something, know you thefuck you didn't.
Keep your goddamn mouth shut.
SPEAKER_01 (40:27):
Kind of like kind of like Appalachian rules.
You know, if you hear somethingin the woods, no you didn't.
SPEAKER_05 (40:32):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (40:33):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (40:33):
Absolutely.
Or, you know, when you're atlike Walmart and you see someone
trying to steal food and to feedtheir family.
Do you see something?
No, the fuck you didn't.
SPEAKER_01 (40:41):
No, you didn't.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (40:43):
Yes.
Um a lot of the different um alot of the different um things
that it kind of symbolizes whatit could what what it could be
bring about, kind of where thestories kind of started.
It was the transition from oneyear into the next.
Um the absolute dominance thatwinter had.
(41:04):
Like I said, it's it's all funand cute and snow angels and
happy times now, but you know,the going theme is that people
were fucking terrified of thewinter.
They were absolutely terrifiedof the winter.
So it was just the massiveoverhanging, you know, you know,
the the the loom of impendingdoom that the winter had, just
(41:27):
its overall power that it had onyou know, your region, the
world, if you will, to them, theworld.
And it's just in in you know,the the the spectral planes of
because at least in Norse acouple of different cultures
there's no actual fire in hellor the underworld.
(41:47):
There's no burning and anguish.
Specifically Norse pathology,it's it's cold.
It's frozen.
It is a never-ending, icylandscape.
So that's where their feelingsthat that's where they're coming
from hell is because it's justthat's uh the the um they're
coming from hell to take thesouls to there, that and it's
just so fucking cold that theactual gates of Hellheim have
(42:09):
opened and it is pouring outinto the realms.
So pretty much anything thatChristianity says, North
mythology is like the hardest ofopposites for the most part.
Also, other things that youdon't want to do.
I'm just going through the notesnotes.
(42:30):
I'm just going through theheroes.
SPEAKER_01 (42:31):
You know what?
All you have to tell me is stayinside.
SPEAKER_05 (42:34):
Literally that.
Stay inside because you want toknow something else fun about
the wild hunt.
You could join by accident.
Like a drunken stupor and getjoin the military, kind of the
same thing.
Do me a favor, don't fuckingwhistle at night.
Just don't.
Because you're literally, it'syou're like, the motherfuckers
over there.
Go get them.
Like, just don't do it.
(42:56):
Don't call out into the storm,which I don't know why people do
that.
Like, hey, fuck off, Odin.
Like, don't do that becauseguess what?
He's gonna come fucking get ya.
Um, don't stand at thecrossroads.
Just don't, because they thinkyou're gonna be waiting on a
bus.
And guess what?
We're the bus.
To hell.
Get aboard.
They will literally just scoopyour ass up and take you.
They will take you as avolunteer.
SPEAKER_01 (43:18):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (43:20):
Last bit about them is there's all the fun
superstition around black cats,but during Yule, there's
actually a superstition aroundum just stray black dogs.
You know, and black cats is, youknow, bad luck and all this
other kind of fun stuff.
Stray black dogs during thewinter are actually the um the
precursor or the omen of thewild hunt, that like you're on
(43:42):
their radar kind of a thing.
So okay, so the story is thatthey're massive, like your
fucking Yule cat, yourfour-story, apparently silent
killer cat.
That's dead quiet, apparently,though it's the size of a
fucking truck.
Anyhow.
Um, but anyway, uh massive blackdogs.
(44:02):
Red eyes, they leave nofootprints, almost like they
just kind of hover through thesnow and through the ice.
Um they're very friendly.
They'll just kind of come up toyou and just be all like happy.
Like, they're not gonna likegrowl and like stalk you and try
to harm you at all.
If anything, they're trying toentice you.
Um, as they're like markers,they're the scouts for the wild
hunt.
Like, hey, get this man.
(44:23):
So if you see a uh a randomstray black dog during the
winter, run inside and don'tfucking whistle.
Just stay the hell away.
And now the moment everyone'sbeen waiting for.
Krampus.
Krampus.
Belshnickel.
SPEAKER_01 (44:40):
It's just so fun to say Krampus.
SPEAKER_05 (44:43):
Exactly.
You gotta say with a really badDutch accent, Krampus.
SPEAKER_01 (44:46):
I can't do that.
SPEAKER_05 (44:47):
Neither can I.
I don't even know if that'sDutch or whatever, but anyway.
SPEAKER_01 (44:50):
Krampus! So if Santa carries a carrot, then Krampus
is definitely the stick to thatcarrot.
SPEAKER_05 (45:02):
Oh, I thought you'd say Krampus is gonna take it and
shove it up your ass.
SPEAKER_01 (45:05):
Right.
Um No, he he actually, you know,is is made of birch sticks.
And I thought he just wieldedthem.
He's he's coming for your shins.
SPEAKER_04 (45:21):
Your shins.
SPEAKER_01 (45:22):
I can tell you that much.
So Krampus is that holidayfigure who eventually they tried
to give a gentle correction toum and make him into something
that he was never.
Um no, Krampus was like, uh, no,I traumatize and I'm going to
(45:48):
stay that way.
unknown (45:49):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (45:50):
He is he is he is nas.
He is the anti-Santa.
SPEAKER_01 (45:53):
Anti-Santa.
So he comes from AlpineFolklore.
Alpine folklore, Austria,Bavaria um, all the surrounding
mountains and areas, and he hasvery pagan roots.
Um, and so, you know, um, veryold, very, very pre-date.
(46:17):
Hey, Christianity, we're justgonna make this our own and
control the narrative.
SPEAKER_05 (46:23):
I'm pretty sure he's older than Santa.
SPEAKER_01 (46:25):
Oh, yeah, he is.
SPEAKER_05 (46:26):
Like he's he's way older.
Like he is arguably, to myknowledge, I think he is the
original, like holiday being.
You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01 (46:37):
Yeah, yeah.
Um, they try at earlier on thethe church tried to kind of
absorb him into the fold andpaired him with Saint Nick.
Um, but Krampus is like, nah, Idon't need this, it's not a good
cop, bad cop movie.
I don't need a buddy.
I am, I am Krampos.
SPEAKER_03 (47:00):
I am.
You are, therefore I am.
SPEAKER_01 (47:03):
Yeah.
So Krampus is described horned,hooved, hairy, long tongue.
SPEAKER_05 (47:13):
Enjoy Long's walk on the beach.
SPEAKER_01 (47:15):
Right.
He likes to drag his chains andbells.
SPEAKER_05 (47:21):
I mean, this is He's a hear me out, isn't he?
Come on, let's be honest.
He's a hear me out.
Krampus is a hear me out.
SPEAKER_01 (47:28):
To a lot of women, he's a hear me out.
He is a hear-me-out.
SPEAKER_05 (47:33):
Um, hairy, tongue, hooved, hairy, tongue, chains,
and bells.
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01 (47:38):
Yeah.
I mean, what more could youwant?
This is better than any bookboyfriend that you could
possibly ever read about.
Um he's less a holiday characterand more of like hell if it
learned how to play percussion.
SPEAKER_05 (47:58):
So the little drummer boy is Krampus.
Got it.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (48:00):
Safe.
Yeah.
Um, yeah, so in his job is verylimited.
He has one role, punishment.
SPEAKER_05 (48:09):
He's got one job, and goddammit, he's good at it.
SPEAKER_01 (48:12):
He's very good at it.
He doesn't give gifts or spreadjoy or care about if you've, you
know, spun spun your world ordyed your wool or anything else
that these other cats andcreatures care about.
(48:33):
He just he doesn't care aboutany of it.
Rewards are not in hisdepartment.
And um he is all aboutpunishment and enforcement.
SPEAKER_05 (48:43):
Listen, I know you're saying that he's he's not
about a good thing, but then youdescribed like let's just rewind
a little bit.
SPEAKER_00 (48:50):
Okay.
SPEAKER_05 (48:50):
People with people with daddy issues.
SPEAKER_00 (48:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (48:53):
Like you they're just sitting here listening to
this and are like, okay, when'sthe bad?
Like he's gonna beat me andsuffer and punish me.
Like, where's the bad in all ofthis?
Like, wipe the fucking drool,okay?
It's a monster.
Go see a therapist, okay?
Wipe the drool from both sets,okay?
Both sets of lips.
Come on.
SPEAKER_01 (49:12):
So I also want to like remind people, too, that
the story of Krampus has alwaysbeen a children's story.
So this is like what they use toI guess get kids to behave.
Like, we're gonna tell you thisstory about this person, and if
you don't behave, then you'regonna be stuffed in a sack or a
(49:36):
basket, and you're gonna bedragged off to hell or the
underworld to someplace that youdon't come back from.
SPEAKER_05 (49:44):
Like I said, negative and positive
reinforcement.
This was the original tale ofChristmas, and they realized
that the kids were just beingtraumatized and trying to
conquer and conquest all of theworld.
So it's like, okay, let's switchit.
So around holidays, instead ofyou better be good or you're
gonna fucking die, to hey, ifyou're good, you get gifts and
shit.
Like, you know, positivereinforcement, negative
reinforcement.
(50:04):
I'm just saying, once Nantastarted to become a lot popular,
a lot more popular, there was alot less conquest happening and
a lot less war.
SPEAKER_01 (50:10):
Yeah, you know what I mean?
And it really just depends onwhat, like what area you lived
in.
Sometimes he would just come inand beat children with birch
switches.
Sometimes he would just takethem and stuff them into a sack,
and then that would be the endof that child.
So it really just depends onwhere you live, whether you get
(50:33):
beat or taken.
SPEAKER_05 (50:34):
This evil goat look inside it's it's the taller
version of Phil from Hercules,just beating the piss out of
your kid with a fucking stick.
Just like, oh, you son of a Iwanted to do that.
Just beating the snot out ofyour little brat.
SPEAKER_01 (50:49):
So in the children that were taken by Krampus, are
you okay?
Did Krampus get you?
SPEAKER_02 (50:54):
No, I just my knee.
We're good.
SPEAKER_01 (50:56):
Oh, God.
See, I told you he was comingfor your shins.
SPEAKER_05 (51:00):
He comes for the never mind.
SPEAKER_01 (51:03):
Yeah.
Um, yeah, so the children, theywere never seen again.
But in some um, I guessiterations of the story, if they
did return, they would bedifferent.
They would be very quiet andkind of hollow, but very
obedient.
SPEAKER_05 (51:24):
Well, they were kidnapped by a fucking goat man
in the middle of the goddamnnight.
I wouldn't talk much either.
True.
Like, just like tell me wherethat doesn't absolutely
traumatize you.
Like, honestly, he didn't evenneed to like take them anywhere.
Just the middle of the night, hewakes them up, they see him, and
he just puts him in the bag andjust walks around town a couple
of times.
(51:44):
Like, doesn't take him now,never takes him out of the bag.
Just like shows up raw in thebag, kid, walks around for an
hour, brings him back, fuckingbe good.
Guess what?
That kid's gonna fucking shutthe hell up.
SPEAKER_01 (51:56):
Like, so way back when um they different um
villages and stuff in differentlocalities would have on
December 5th is oh god, I'm notgonna be able to say this.
Can you say it?
(52:16):
Krampa Krampus knock knocked.
SPEAKER_05 (52:19):
Krampus knock.
Krampus knock.
So Krampus Knight, night ofKrampus.
SPEAKER_01 (52:23):
Right.
Um, and basically men would bedressed as Krampus, they'd be
wearing these terrifying masks.
Uh again, when I read this, onceagain, doesn't sound like a bad
thing to some people.
Yeah.
Um strap on chains and bells.
They would be drinking heavily,chasing people through the
(52:45):
streets.
Uh, it was like controlledchaos.
SPEAKER_05 (52:49):
But oh no, a man in a mask with chains chasing me.
Oh no, good God, you all needtherapy.
SPEAKER_01 (52:59):
Oh no, what shall we ever do?
SPEAKER_05 (53:02):
Whatever should we do.
SPEAKER_01 (53:04):
But like historical records showed that, you know,
when they used to have thesefestivals and stuff, there were
a lot of injuries, fires, riots,death.
Um, and so his you know, likethe authorities have repeatedly
tried to ban uh Krampus knocked.
And but they failed.
(53:25):
Um, because basically you can'tlegislate a D's uh you can't
legislate a demon out of yourculture.
SPEAKER_05 (53:33):
I swear to God that you can't legislate these nuts.
I thought that's what you weregonna say.
I swear to fucking god, becauseyou said d's, I was like,
please.
SPEAKER_03 (53:42):
You cannot regulate these nuts.
SPEAKER_05 (53:45):
Cramp was just swinging his wang and chains
around and shit.
SPEAKER_01 (53:52):
So um, yeah, the uh uh going back to Christianity,
they they tried to sanitize himby like trying to make him into
like a softer Krampus.
SPEAKER_05 (54:07):
Um he was kind of tried to sanitize him.
SPEAKER_01 (54:11):
Santitize him.
Ooh.
Um He's sanitized.
That's exactly what I wasthinking of.
Um, but they try to make himinto like, yeah, he's scary, but
he's harmless.
It's it's he's just giving you awarning.
It's not anything bad, nothing'sgonna happen.
He's not evil.
SPEAKER_05 (54:32):
You know, he's just you know, like it's just like a
little reminder that sometimesoutcomes can be bad, but yeah,
like I think I I think even likemore modern telling is that like
they both go like him and itthey're like Batman and Robin,
apparently, Santa and Krampus.
It's like okay, if you're good,Santa leaves you presents and
(54:53):
takes the cookies.
But if you're if you're on thenaughty list, Krampus leaves you
coal and like no, ga fucked,mate.
SPEAKER_01 (55:00):
Right, right.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, but yeah, I mean that'spretty much all we had for
Krampus.
SPEAKER_05 (55:11):
I'm gonna listen, I'm gonna level with you.
Yes.
I think it's I think it's a goodstory.
I think it's a great story.
I love it.
I do I don't know, like I said,it's it's interesting how
cultures have changed and howhumanity has changed and like
the stories we used to tell kidsand what they tell them now.
You know, I made the jokes aboutpositive reinforcement, negative
reinforcement, blah, blah, blah,all that fun stuff.
Um I'm I gotta I gotta levelwith you.
(55:33):
Krampus is he's right, he'sright there, like on the line of
me being fucking over him.
He's right there with becomingpop culture.
SPEAKER_01 (55:44):
Oh yeah, I yeah, I definitely think.
SPEAKER_05 (55:47):
He's almost famous enough to be like Winter's
Pumpkin Spice.
You know what I mean?
He's right there.
SPEAKER_01 (55:52):
Well, I I and I'll tell you, it it has there we
have an oversaturation ofKrampus right now because again,
it's become the popular thing,the the you know, addition of
like book talk and you know,women getting their feelings out
about you know it's not even somuch that it's just that spooky
(56:17):
stuff and spooky season and ooh,spooky this, and like it's all
like what's you know, I don'twant what the fuck ever, you
know, it's not like a hipster,oh I've been like a spooky shit
forever, but it's like whensomeone sent me an invite to the
Krampus Crawl, which is a barcrawl that's happening in
(56:37):
downtown, like that's a bitfucking much.
SPEAKER_05 (56:41):
Yeah.
Like when you're starting tohave like themed bullshit, like
come on.
SPEAKER_01 (56:49):
Like you are like anytime anytime you bring
cultural things over to America,they become like it goes to
shit.
It it it does kind of go toshit, yeah.
SPEAKER_05 (57:00):
Yeah, because we've got to make a buck off of it, so
it's just exactly, exactly.
Because like my firstintroduction to Krampus, I was
pretty, I was oh shit.
I was I was a little bit of akid, probably like in like uh,
you know, preteens, teenage orsomething like that, you know,
12, 13, whatever.
And like there was a couple ofhorror movies that came out.
Like there was, you know,actual, you know, I think some
(57:22):
of them were were just calledKrampus, and it was that they
were just little holiday horrormovies.
Um and I was like, hell yeah, Imean it's a little monster
thing, and you kind of learn alittle bit more, and also that
kind of like there is somereally good stuff out there
which is great, but it's likeand I have no problem with
cultures trying to kind of useit, like I said, yeah, it's
whatever it is with the uh youknow, like I said, trying to tie
(57:42):
it with Santa, going out as likesidekicks and whatever.
But it's just like I said, it'sjust really annoying when it's
just like everywhere becausethen you're just gonna get like
it's gonna get lost and it'sgonna get annoying very, very
fast.
SPEAKER_01 (57:58):
Yeah.
Yep.
Yep, I agree.
So next time somebody tells youChristmas used to be simpler,
warmer, and more wholesome.
Huh.
Just remember.
No, winter used to come withrules and enforcement and
checking your labor, labor, yourclothes, uh, your behavior.
(58:20):
And none of them really cared ifyou had a bad year.
There were stories that weren'tmeant to comfort, they were
meant to keep you alive or atleast make you become more
useful to society.
So enjoy your lights, enjoy yoursongs, enjoy the sanitized
(58:42):
version of the season, but justremember beneath it all, the old
spirits are still watching, andthey're gonna be very interested
in whether you finished yourwork.
SPEAKER_04 (58:55):
And they eat and kill and maim anyone who thinks
Die Hard is not a Christmasmovie.
SPEAKER_01 (59:01):
Yes, yes.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
Um, this is our holiday episode,so everyone, please have a very
Merry Christmas, happy holidays.
However, you celebrate with yourfriends and family.
I hope you have a good time.
(59:25):
We've had a hell of a year, anduh I think everyone deserves a
couple days to kick back, um,have some, you know, some good
food, some good beverages, andrelax.
We've all earned it.
SPEAKER_05 (59:42):
Most of us have earned it.
Some of us have earned theopposite, but still.
SPEAKER_01 (59:47):
Yeah, there's a couple people that, you know.
SPEAKER_02 (59:52):
But I digress.
SPEAKER_01 (59:53):
It's a couple people I regret.
SPEAKER_05 (01:00:00):
And that's our two per episode.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00:04):
Um, again the best thing that you can do for us is
just to share our episodes withyour friends, with your family.
SPEAKER_05 (01:00:13):
Like we we literally just not to be like that stupid,
trendy bullshit at the end ofthe year or whatnot, but like we
are literally just gettingstarted.
Like, yeah, we've been doing apodcast for a little bit, but
like the silly gooses is justlike you heard of the wild hunt?
Yeah, well we're the wild honk.
We're just getting started.
SPEAKER_01 (01:00:28):
Yes.
So with that, goodbye.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:37):
Uh-oh.
You doing a honk?
Or is it gonna be a honk?
SPEAKER_05 (01:00:44):
Happy days.
There you go, you got three.
Choose one.
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