January 4, 2025 • 57 mins
Caring for Aging Parents: Lessons from the Sister Girl Sessions
In this episode of the Sister Girl Sessions podcast, hosts Niecee and Voni discuss their experiences and lessons learned while caring for their aging and ill mother, reflecting on the challenges faced by many in Generation X as they look after their baby boomer parents. The conversation covers the importance of thorough communication with healthcare providers, the emotional and physical toll of caregiving, maintaining dignity for the ill parent, and the necessity of proper legal and medical planning, such as power of attorney and healthcare proxies. They also highlight the value of having a support system and provide practical advice for others in similar situations.
00:00 Welcome to Sister Girl Sessions
00:59 Caring for Aging Parents: A Personal Journey
02:30 Navigating Healthcare Challenges
04:50 The Importance of Medical Records
19:14 Emotional Struggles and Family Dynamics
29:49 Maintaining Dignity in Difficult Times
30:55 Facing Harsh Realities
31:53 Navigating Medical Decisions
36:15 The Importance of Communication
37:57 Hospice and Palliative Care
43:47 Legal and Financial Preparations
50:37 The Role of Caregivers
56:16 Final Reflections and Support
Welcome to the SisterGirl Sessions, which is a SisterGirl Community where we grow together. This goal of this channel is to be a space where we work on personal and emotional development and share experiences and lessons learned so that we can evolve to the best version of ourselves we can possibly be.
We would be honored if you decide to join the community and welcome you with open arms.
We've also created a "Link in Bio" page that has items available that Niecee created over time. Feel free to check them out at: https://thesistergirlshub.com
If you're interested in collaborating or working with us, we can be reached at TheSisterGirlSessions@gmail.com
#agingparents #ushealthcare #healthcare #thesistergirlsessions #sistergirl #sistergirlcommunity #sisterhood #personalgrowt#community #personaldevelopment #emotionaldevelopment #empoweringwomen #community #communication #connection #relationships #authenticconnections #peace #change #gratitude #presentmoment h #podcast #streaming #podcaststreaming #newpodcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
niecee---voni_1_12-15-2024_ (00:00):
All right All right Hello and
welcome to the sister girlSessions My name is Niecee and
i'm Voni and we have createdthis podcast so that we can come
on and share Our lifeexperiences, lessons learned,
(00:21):
and just to share some laughs,of course, and it's all
developed around a hopefully agood Gen X vibe.
You know what I mean?
So today we have a topic ofcaring for aging and skin.
Sick parents, uh, in the gen Xgeneration, we have a lot of
(00:41):
baby boomers, uh, parents areliving longer.
And so we'd like to broach thattopic because there are a lot of
lessons that I've learned in theexperience in that and things
that we feel like we could sharewith, others who may be facing
those same challenges.
So with that, We continue withSister Girl Session 2, Part 2,
(01:03):
Caring for Aging Parents.
We had to go, we did have to goback to the oncologist, but at
this phase, we are going to mostof her sessions.
But there was another piece,Niecee I can't, I'm trying, I
don't know, it was only a fewyears ago, but there was a part
of it where the radiologist sawsome of this stuff.
I remember him asking for moretests of her because when she
(01:29):
was doing the radiation.
He could see he sees he saw someof the other stuff going on, but
he couldn't really.
Now, one of the other things wedid, and now nowadays people
talk about don't be an internet,uh, doctor.
Then when we learn more, when wegot the first biopsy test, We
didn't understand it.
Right.
(01:49):
So one of the things that now,yes, I know they give you those
tests.
We asked for every document aswe started going through this
process.
But one of my lessons was, is togo ask them to interpret that
test to you.
Cause I felt like after nowhearing the first one and they
minimized her having to do chemoor any other more scans.
(02:14):
And then now we're here, we are,and what, what had happened was,
She had cancer now in her bonesand it was in her ribs.
It cracked her ribs.
It cracked one of her ribs.
That's where the pain in theback and side was.
That's where the pain in theback and side came from.
And so, that's one of thethings, and I will talk about,
(02:35):
The experience just from myreflection, my personal
perception, I can't not claimanything, but I started to ask
myself because I've been momwith mama for years, and so
she's always gone to the doctorso now, and she had been back
and forth to the doctor withthe.
With the bronchitis and, uh, allthe different respiratory issues
(03:00):
and she had been having pain inher hips and leg and all these
things.
And so when you're going backand forth to the doctor all the
time, and you're like, say, forinstance, for the respiratory
issues, if, if I had it to doover again, or I was caring for
an aging parent, I'd say if my,If my loved one is going back
(03:23):
and forth to the doctor for thesame thing over and over again I
will push for more.
I need a deeper answer than youjust continuing to prescribe
this prednisone or the you knowWhatever they do And the other
benefit we have I just want tointerject here because everybody
has different levels of healthcare right and different.
(03:46):
Um, um You know, benefits andthings.
And you know, we all do, we'rein America, we deal with
insurance companies, et cetera.
And we were fortunate that ourmother was a, a government
employee had really goodbenefits.
So it wasn't about financials.
It really wasn't.
And I don't even know that itwasn't about.
(04:09):
Asking for the test to yourpoint, right?
I don't think because we didn'task for it or did the doctor
didn't describe it.
It just never even went thatroute.
I think that, okay.
My own perception is that shewas receiving a lot of what I
call drive through healthcare.
You go to the appointment, theycheck the box, check, check,
check.
What?
Oh, that's happening.
(04:30):
Well, I prescribed everybodythat has that.
And so you're going to get that.
You know, this is what I do, youknow, and, um, that's just how I
feel, you know, and that's whatshe got.
Just like the, oncologist say,Oh, I've seen this before.
So this is just this and this.
You're not looking at the wholeperson.
(04:50):
But what I learned from that,you check at some of the boxes
now on the other side of that,because I have, uh, worked in
the healthcare industry,especially on the revenue side
of it.
I do know that.
Sometimes it's not even thedoctors.
Okay.
Sometimes it, a lot of times thedoctor may have a desire to dig
(05:12):
into something a little further,but they know that they don't
really have a case that they canpresent to the insurance company
that will be able to get it.
Covered Because you know, forsome of these things you're
gonna have to have anauthorization.
Mm-hmm Everything now.
Everything, now everything.
Gotta have even more so now.
But you know, you just office.
You ain't trying to getreimbursed.
Yeah.
(05:32):
You not getting paid.
Now you gotta pay for it.
Where did not paying for it,you're gonna pay for it.
So that's another note.
You know, don't ever let anybodydo anything till you know it's
clear.
You gotta, you gotta yourinsurance.
So you gonna own it.
You gonna own it?
Yes.
Mm-hmm And so, yeah, I thinkthat was part of it too.
Mm-hmm But it's just like.
A couple of those things where Ithink we have really big
opportunities in our healthcaresystem.
(05:55):
You know what I mean?
So yeah, we went through that.
So it just like a, a bigwhirlwind, all these different
things culminating.
But I now, you know, and I thinkwe both did a lot of research
and Jack, I mean, we were allkind of, once we understood what
was happening, we startedlooking up, none of us are
clinical.
Okay.
We got one niece who's a nurse.
(06:17):
I got one niece, who's a nurse.
You know, she's, she's a nurse,but the rest of us aren't.
And so I did, I use theinternet.
I went online, I went to web MD,different places to go
understand that pathology reporta little deeper.
And that's where we understoodthat the type of cancer she had
(06:40):
was aggressive.
And it was fast growing, justthe terminology they use now,
and that's on the, on the flipside of that.
Yeah.
And we did.
Yeah.
Now we didn't know that.
We didn't know that then.
And even when we went back to,like you were saying to the
oncologist, They were still veryguarded.
That's another thing.
(07:00):
You can't always depend on whatthey're going to tell you in
these appointments.
I always say, uh, me, myself,and I recommend anybody, but I
can't recommend to my healthportal or my loved ones.
Health information portal.
They got the patient portal.
(07:21):
They got all the notes and allthat.
Yes.
Where they have the records andthe reports.
And if you have to go andrequest a copy of the records.
Because a lot of the things I'veeven went to doctor's
appointments on my own and theybe like, Oh yeah, it's fine.
Then you go look it up and theysaying all kinds of stuff on the
back end.
Wait a minute.
You didn't say that to me.
(07:42):
Well, yeah, it happens now.
You know what I'm saying, andthere are references to certain
diagnoses that they didn't sayto you.
They didn't say to me.
So, you know, having access tothose portals, which like you
were saying, um, took us into adeeper dive into some of this
(08:02):
terminology once we said, okay,so they said this here and this
was referenced.
And the interesting part to meis that after we got the
diagnosis, of course theyadmitted her to the hospital for
more tests.
You know, she was mad aboutthat.
Yeah, she, you know, she didn'twant to be there, especially
then.
And so, uh, and I, I, this is mylife guys.
(08:23):
Yes.
March was the first diagnosis.
This occur is a June or July.
It might've been June.
Is it June or July june junejune june or early early july
was it Zell's birthday yet Notyet.
No june must have been june.
Yeah, so march june.
So yeah, this is where we hadthe little small That was a
(08:45):
little small.
We don't went no scan Radiation.
She ain't even finished thelittle radiation treatment.
She ain't even finishedradiation yet the treatments so
She had, it took her a while todo the pre-auths and all that to
even get to the radiation.
So that's part of it too.
Yeah.
And then once she got in there,this flared up during that time.
(09:05):
And so now you, uh, now we tourwhat, which event next?
So, no, I'm saying that we wereat the.
At the hospital and theyadmitted her, I had to think
about where was I here?
Okay, so they admitted her andthey are running more tests and
so they decided to do a biopsy.
(09:27):
They wanted to go test thosetissues.
They wanted to find out theorigination point.
Yes, I know.
I forgot.
You just took me back.
And so, they go to do this.
And, um, we, they, they took itout of her, her soft tissue, of
her stomach.
(09:47):
And so with those and thosetests, we had to wait, but I
don't want to jump ahead becauseI do want to state that.
At that point, because I startedthinking about my mama.
I'm playing all this back.
I don't went back.
She wanted to go home.
She did.
She was afraid that she mightnot make it home and she
couldn't.
By this time, she was havingreally a hard time walking.
(10:09):
We had her on a walker.
We had her in a wheelchair.
We were calling in and ask itfor different things.
So my step sister, though, gaveus gave us some materials that
we had to deal with with ourcommunity.
Yes, resources, resources.
She let us use some of thethings that my step mom had used
during her.
It was mom.
(10:29):
I miss my mom's much love, uh,my mother's, uh, so we got her
home and we got her home.
They had did the test on thetissue and that's when we
started diving in and looking upall this data and finding out
that it was a fast spreading andall this stuff, but little did
we know because even to thisday, I will say in jumping in, I
(10:52):
don't know where we, we hadn'tdone that.
And we're new to this podcastday.
So bear with us, but they.
Never did really find out theorigination of it of it.
Never.
Well, we found out by looking inher records.
It was not voluntary,"volun-told" told to us,
voluntarily told to us that whenthey went in to do the tissue,
(11:16):
somehow the soft tissue thatthey tried to test.
Did not work and they had tosend it.
They use the same, uh, biopsythat they had did on her breasts
to try to figure out where theorigin of the cancer was.
(11:37):
So the one, the second, thesecond biopsy was unusable.
They went back to the other oneand then tried to use it to go
figure out the location of itand to this day.
We don't know.
We'll tell us what that was.
And so we, now we believe, Idon't know how you feel.
I believe it was related to hersmoking in the, I don't know.
(12:01):
Or it could have been her, Idon't know where it came from,
but it's, it's like there wasenough in her lungs.
I do too.
And that's where now as youlearn more, as I have learned
more about cancers and, anddifferent types of cancer.
That those are types that spreadand different things.
(12:22):
I think the breast was secondaryIt was and now what we did see
from the records is that thebreast was definitely not the
primary Mm hmm.
We know that but we don't knowwhere they originate cannot tell
us but we couldn't find it inthe records I should say but
they didn't tell us almost anyof that We dug into her patient
portal and I asked her For allher records, because I was so
(12:45):
upset.
I'm still, as you can tell, I'ma little salty about it.
The wish factor.
I'll be on a wish factor.
If there are any lawyers outthere that feel like I got a
case, get in contact.
Cause I'll be like, somebodyneed to pay.
Cause my mama did everything shecould and she should have.
Well, how many appointments didyou count?
(13:06):
You did a count.
I did a count.
All the stuff where she reportedproblems with her lungs.
I counted them up.
I have to go look at therecords.
It's been a while.
But it was a, it was a doubledid 40.
It was like getting admitted tothe hospital.
Now what I found when I auditedher records, I went in and she
was telling us the story.
She was asking for the help.
(13:27):
During the time it told a storyand her, oh my God, it, it, it
was, they were prescribing thesame thing, this drive through
health.
That is what we do.
We do what we do.
Here you go.
Here you go, girl.
When I went through a whole bigthing, when I went, I audited
here records.
I reached out to lawyers andthey were like, well, it may be
a case, but we're not going totake it.
(13:49):
But I'm like, man, I, and I, Ikind of backed off, but man, I'm
like, somebody need pay.
Yeah, anybody want to take thecase and holler at your girl
because What we experienced wasnot right and the most
interesting part tell them aboutthe oncology Yeah.
Now that, that second visit toher after the last diagnosis.
(14:12):
Now, I can make, I can makepeople feel very uncomfortable.
I know I have a tendency to dothat, but I'm usually very
serious, probably businessminded, but she could not wait.
She's sitting in there.
She's like, Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh, we, you know, neveracknowledging that she should
have, could have done anythingthere, honey.
I came up in that, in that room.
(14:33):
I had my list of questions andshe wasn't getting out of there
till she answered every singleone of mine.
And every time I would ask thequestion, she'd be like, she had
her hands on her knees.
She's, she's like ready to go.
No, no, honey.
I got a few more questions thatI got for you here.
And I was going to get throughevery one of them.
And do you know?
That that was the last time theynever changed who my mother was
(14:57):
assigned to as her oncologistBut we never never saw that
lady.
They used to come up witheverything in the world on why
she was not there Now we couldgo into a whole bunch of other
stuff that happened associatedwith that, but I don't know how
appropriate I guess I would sayyeah, uh, it would be to go into
(15:17):
some of those logistics relatedto her treatment But there's
some more to it Um, even aboutthe oncologist that we could
share, but I don't, I don't wantto, uh, defame anyone without
knowing.
It's appropriate to say Yeah.
Is what I know.
Well, we were disappointed iswhat we were disappointed.
Just say I was, I wasdisappointed in, and I'm gonna
(15:38):
say this PCP or her medicalgroup and the, and the, the
cancer treatment people.
The, and we left.
I, I we held a little grudge.
We did.
I we had a little grudge.
We, and this is the thing.
I have referred mama to both ofus.
We all going to see the samedoctor.
I never seen her again.
We know I did when I went backone time afterwards, afterwards,
(16:01):
and I looked at her and I wastalking to her and I was like, I
can't do this.
I can't.
I just can't.
I can't.
I held a grudge.
I know that that's what it was.
And I can't trust you.
You didn't take care of my mom,right?
I can't trust you to take careof me now.
You can't do it.
So I had to go somewhere else.
Yeah, you fumbled that ball.
So, uh, we, we had to go, I hadto leave, but it was, uh, the
(16:24):
lessons for me, as I told youearlier, I would have wanted to
be more active, uh, She wasprivate and it was her business,
but it wasn't like she wouldn'thave told us or she, if we had
asked, she'd probably shared itwith us.
And that was something that Iwould tell anybody.
If you think that your parentsare willing to tell you
(16:46):
something, ask for it, ask themso that you can go help them
navigate.
Healthcare is so complex, somany things to go work from,
especially if they willing toshare with you, go help them dig
in, um, Go show up with them.
Get access to the patientportals.
Go get access to the portalswhere you will get a lot more
(17:06):
details, lab tests, anythingreferenceable.
They have to put it in thoseportals because you know they
submitting that to theminsurance companies so that they
can get their funds.
Do it.
That's where you're going tolearn.
Right.
That is the way to get it.
Yes.
I don't know.
That's my, that's my two cents.
Just go, go get the access or goparticipate in it.
(17:26):
Now some people don't want youin their business.
I respect that too.
Right.
But if you can have aconversation with your aging or
ill parent or loved one,whatever relation, they could be
a friend that you might betaking care of.
Ask some of those questions.
Yes.
And I'd say also, um, go to theappointments with them as much
(17:48):
as possible.
Um, be another if they areadmitted it to the hospital.
Yes.
Always, always try to havesomebody there with them.
I recommend that 24 seven.
And the reason why you don'tknow why when the doctors are
showing up, when they're goingto show up, you don't know when
they come in.
And me and mama used to laughabout this.
We go on rotation.
We go in rotation.
(18:09):
I got one night and he's Youknow, we, we rotate in, but The
thing you know, they not gettingno rest much in there because I
call it the vampires are comingin there These people doing the
lab work.
They're doing their job I'm notsaying that but they come in so
often and on their routines.
I gotta do your vitals I gottado your blood sugar.
I gotta go do these things Andbut the thing is is that the
(18:31):
other family members that arethere with them Can be the eyes
and ears and especially whenthey are not feeling well Things
are happening around them andthey are responding, but it's
not with a sense of consciousresponse, right?
They are not respond.
They are just saying, okay, dowhatever you need to do to help
(18:51):
me make feel better.
Nobody's asking, but what aboutthis?
Or But did you, what you saidthis last time, what about that?
There's nobody there when thatperson is that sick to be that
advocate for them.
So you need an advocate withyou, especially during these
more chronic and as they'reaging.
Yes.
I just feel like it's somethingyou want to have.
(19:13):
All of it.
Yes.
So I'm looking at my notes hereand so I want to make sure we
touch on The emotional aspect ofit, like different facets of
that.
To start out, what you gonnaask?
Um, what you gonna ask me?
I don't tell, let me speak toit.
All right.
What you gonna say?
(19:33):
The, the fear.
Okay.
Of losing a parent.
Like I said, when I got thenews, I, I about fell apart.
I had so many flashes and somany things just run through my
head like, what does this mean?
My am I.
fear because you hear about thatmuch cancer and I had just went
through this with my stepmom.
You have a healthy respect for,you know, the, the, the damage
(19:56):
it could do to the human body.
And so the fear of losing yourparent and being able to, uh,
reconcile those feelings whilestill being able to be, um,
Functional and supportive of theperson that's dealing with it
because they have their ownfears and emotions.
And like we said, mama, she waslike, um, kind of, you know, uh,
(20:21):
blank slate.
Like she was holding it close tothe vest.
We would talk to her, engagewith her.
But when it She was goingthrough all those major events.
She would talk to us and everynow and again, she gives me a
little bit of her true feelings.
You know, I know we'll get tothat a little later, but I
(20:41):
remember I told you about thatlast time she was in the
hospital when they finally toldher about her hip socket and
stuff.
And we had started to talkabout, uh, power of attorney,
healthcare proxies, Uh, lastwill testament properties doing
your, uh, end of lifeactivities.
(21:02):
Yes.
Yeah.
Now we waited.
That's another thing I would, II cannot change.
Hold on, man.
You won't do that yet.
I'm, I'm talking about themotion, the emotion of it.
Okay.
Sorry, I got confused.
No, no body.
That's what's going on with VoniShit like opened up the
Pandora's Box Voni It's the typeof person that holds everything
close to her vest.
(21:23):
You talk, you could talk aboutit more than you will express
the actual emotion of it.
I don't.
And so this is her, cause she'lltalk about it, but the
expression of the emotion.
So Niecee goes into fear.
I go into fix it by like fix itmode.
(21:43):
Yeah.
I fix it mode.
That's me.
That's my reaction.
So even in that moment withMama, I go into fix it.
I didn't go, I I had to go focuson Mama.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What was she doing?
How was you doing?
Okay, I gotta go tell mybrothers and sisters.
I kind of go into this.
Other being almost so that I canstep out of the emotion.
(22:04):
Yes.
I don't want to address theemotion.
I feel the compassion of it.
You are the more, yeah, that'swhat I'm saying, you're the more
emotional one.
Yes, yes, and um, go through thethoughts and feelings of it.
Because I'm sure there's somepeople out there that go through
the same thing as me.
Yeah, and me too, samepersonalities.
You almost feel like a, a guiltand a frustration of not being
(22:25):
able to fix it because you wantto care for them and you love
them and you don't want to seethem in pain and you want to
take it away from them and youwant to help.
And, and one thing I will say isthat, um, for like, we touched
on it earlier, everybody handleseverything differently.
So while you and I, of course welive with mom.
So, It was, we were hercaregivers.
(22:48):
It wasn't even really a questionup for discussion.
We, we doing this, but oursiblings, we have a sister and
two brothers and then she has ahost of grandchildren and great
grandchildren, greatgrandchildren that, you know,
uh, they care, they were here,but they, it wasn't like they
were in the rotation or, ordoing any of those type of
(23:11):
things.
And everybody has to deal withthings in their own way.
And so.
I will be, and Lord knows thatI'm not saying anything was
wrong with it, but when I wentthrough it, it did, you know, I
sit down and pause about like,where, what y'all doing?
What where my sister'em at?
I went, where my brothers at?
(23:31):
We have a difficulat situation.,that's the difference, that's
the situation.
So this is the middle childthing that needs to go through,
whereas I'm the oldest.
I don't even think like thatUhhuh.
I'm just like, you got what yougot.
But these are real thoughts.
These are real.
No, I'm not diminishing.
Love everybody.
No, I'm not diminishing it just,I'm just I recognize that how
(23:52):
you respond though.
Yeah.
Because you kind what y'alldoing, so what you mean?
No, but I be lying if I said Ididn't.
No.
And see, and that didn't eventhink, that didn't come through
my head.
I did.
It did.
And and see, and I think it'sjust about.
You know, it is birth and orderscreate different dynamics within
(24:17):
the family, right?
So, so we were talking about theemotional part of it and that
was my fix it.
Yes.
I did not release any emotion.
I did not, I did, I refused.
I was going to fix this.
That was my goal.
But see, me and, me and mama,we, we, we both are emotional
beings.
I was a lot like her in thatway.
(24:38):
And so, uh, like where Voniwould come in, like, mama, is it
time to eat?
Do you got to take yourmedicine?
Mama be over there on thesidelines.
So, um, my, I know they talkingabout me.
I know.
And so and my way of dealingwith, I'll climb in the bed with
her.
That's one of the things I missthe most about.
I climb in the bed with her.
(24:58):
I be laying on her shoulder, wewatch tv, you know, talk about
some things, you know?
Mm-hmm Just do the love thing.
She, like I said, so.
I got to feed you.
I got to go do this.
You know, I got to fix it up.
I got to clean it up.
I probably got that roll.
So, my job.
Yes, it's so, um, let me seehere.
(25:19):
Um, that's the emotion for me.
It was that.
And I don't know how our othersiblings felt about it.
I mean, I had to fix it.
That was my God.
Yes, that was, that was my, thatwas my emotion.
That was a healthy no.
It wasn't it's not a healthy wayto look at it And I still I
still I want to say I haven'tgrieved because I do believe I
agree.
(25:40):
Yeah Uh for her loss, but have Ilet it all out?
No, I still don't know that Ihave I don't I don't know But
there is a part of me that Itold you before and i'm not
gonna cry I'm gonna wave howmuch it weighs your hair to me
last man Is that right behindher?
I was always afraid that if Idid I wouldn't come come out It
(26:02):
Mm-hmm Mm-hmm And I just a fear,I just let it out all
throughout.
Yeah.
And I just kind of say, Ooh, Igotta shut that down.
Yeah.
Because I don't want you come,you gotta be able to function
through it.
I want, I gotta live, I gotta,you know, I got family, I got
job, I got all these things.
So it was, it is a fear.
It probably still is a fear thatI have.
It just like.
(26:22):
When you're dealing with yourparent and because it's shifted
really quickly, but I canimagine that a lot of people
that may end up listening tothis podcast could have parents,
uh, that end up, uh, going intoa decline state over a long
period of time.
No longer.
Yes.
Cause ours was short.
Ours was short and swift.
And then the, the climb was, Sohow do you, you know, how do you
(26:50):
make sure that they keep theirdignity even in that declining
state?
Because, you know, you know,that person, my mama was a proud
person.
She was our queen.
I tell you, you had to keep herclean.
She kept herself clean.
Before anybody came over, she'slike, we got to go.
(27:11):
Everything like that.
That's a part of their dignity.
Yes.
Yes.
My perspective on it is that tome, we both always made sure we
respected what she wanted toask.
We, we, we asked.
And, uh, we, we like, okay,well, we got to do, like you
said, we tells her it was timefor a shower.
(27:32):
Let's get you, let's get yourface done.
You do it.
You get your hair done.
Let's comb your hair.
Let's get you all fixed up, getyour clothes tight.
And it got to be a challenge.
And she'd be like, I don't wanty'all to have to deal with me on
that.
And then one day she had decidedthat.
She was getting better and shewas not going to be worried
about this walker and she wasgoing to, you know, be walking
(27:55):
to the bathroom and stuff back,which is within our role.
But you got to give her somecontext as to why she thought
that.
Now we kind of, uh, Think, thinkabout, you know, she told me
it's a dignity thing, but alsoshe was trying to be very
positive about her outcome andwhat she wanted to have happen.
(28:17):
And she believed it was somewhatmind over matter.
Yes.
If I can go.
Tell you that I can overcomethis.
I am going to overcome it.
And that was part of how welive.
That's how we live life.
Yeah.
And she's like, you can getthrough this.
This is just a thing.
You set your mind to it.
You can do it.
Right, right.
Yes.
And so that day she was like,she woke up one morning.
(28:39):
Yeah.
And I remember that was themorning and we about to go to
work.
Yes.
We about to go to our offices,you know, in the home.
But we ready to go to work.
We get in to come see her thatmorning.
She tells she gives us this newslike this what i'm about to do
i'm about to not use this walkeri'm gonna walk myself back to
the shower now keep in mind herhip uh now this time we didn't
(29:03):
know it was deteriorating wedidn't know how deep it had
gotten until another event butWe knew it was bad.
She couldn't walk her.
She could barely scoot her feet.
Now she could use the walker andkind of help glide herself
there.
But she believed that morningshe was going to go do me and
Niecee did it.
Now Niecee got this thing.
Niecee got this thing where she,she blinked.
(29:25):
If you see her, yeah, but shedoing this blinking thing.
All of us who know her know, uhoh, she like, she like, I
understand in this situation,what are you talking about?
Me and her look at each other.
She blinked at me.
I got my eyes.
And I'm sitting here like, okay,mama.
I said, now, mama, are you,this, this don't sound like a
(29:46):
good plan.
Mama.
Uh, she, she, she was adamant.
And so it was like that dignitypart.
Yeah.
She was adamant that she wasgoing to go do it.
Yeah.
So we had to come up with atactic to remain, to give her
Some dignity.
Niecee said, you want to tell mewhat you say?
Okay, mama, you negotiate.
I'm like, okay, okay.
I can understand that.
(30:06):
But how about this?
Maybe on the first round, maybewe'll leave the walker, but I'll
have you hold on.
I'm just going to walk with youjust to make sure, just, you
know, so we can make sure thatwhen you do it, that.
We are here with on our breaksor something like that.
(30:26):
Don't do this while we, while wenot in here, you know?
So at that time she decided shewanted to go right then, and I
walked along with her, rememberto the bathroom.
And she was, she made it.
She did.
But I know she was in a lot, shewas in a lot of pain.
She didn't try no more.
She didn't, but we had to lether, her try.
We had to let her try.
(30:47):
She went there and she came backand her constitution said I will
not have them bring me thatwalker.
She did later, but not duringthat event because she was
trying and it broke my heart topieces when I had to, uh, when
she was like, I'm going to walkagain, you know, and I had to
tell her mom when they had toldher that last hospital stay,
(31:10):
yes, that she wouldn't be ableto walk anymore.
She didn't take that.
Away from the hospital stay.
So this is again, when you, thisis a really important lesson.
Yes.
We heard the, the, the, what wasit?
What was that?
It was called Niecee because itwas the hospitalist.
It's a, uh, orthopedic surgeon.
(31:34):
Because they were trying tounderstand what was happening
with her hip.
Yes.
Yes.
I think it was an orthopedicsurgeon.
Well, you know, they do theirrotations and I was there.
Were you there too?
Yes.
We were both there this time.
So it was during the day he camethrough and he started telling
us that he had looked at the xrays.
They had done some x rays of herleg and that, uh, there was not
(31:58):
a love cartilage or bone thereto, You know, they would have to
replace the whole thing, butthey given her diagnosis and the
stage of cancer she had being soprogressive, they didn't believe
it was necessarily a good ideafor them to go like recreate her
socket to, because of the bone,they had gotten into her bone.
(32:18):
Now, did she associate that withwalking?
I don't think she did.
They did say it though.
They said that she won't be ableto, but see, I don't know.
She said it.
I remember I'm saying it and Iwas like, man, she didn't
because when I said it to her, Iknow, and because she kept
trying to, you know, and I wasso afraid and I know my mama,
(32:40):
you know, I don't live with itfor years.
She would try to do stuff whenyou're not around your back.
Yeah.
She's like, shoot, I got this.
I'm about to, you know, I'll belike, mama, mama, please mom.
It's so, um, I had to tell her,I was like, mama, you know, you
won't.
You won't be able to walk.
'cause we was trying to get herto use the, the, uh, the commode
and the commode and the, uh, thewheelchair, the walker, whatever
(33:04):
we could to get her around.
And she didn't want to hear itand she didn't believe me.
She waited till you got offwork?
Yeah, she did.
She asked you And, uh,unfortunately.
And that changed herconstitution?
Yep.
Because she asked me tovalidate.
She said, Voni Did, did themdoctors say that I wasn't going
to be able to walk?
And that was the mostheartbreaking thing.
(33:26):
Heartbreaking.
To have to say to her.
And I, I, I still, that's one ofmy regrets.
I wish I never told her.
Oh.
I feel like maybe she would havestayed a lot longer because I
saw how emotionally.
You never lied to her.
I didn't, I don't know how.
But yo, you felt like becauseyou went and told her up front
versus her asking or what do youmean?
I was just afraid that she wouldtry to do stuff.
(33:47):
I know, you know her.
That's what I'm saying.
And me telling her broke herspirit a little bit.
And I believe that verywholeheartedly that when you
really truly believe thatsomething You can try to
overcome it.
Yes.
It'll cause you to hold on alittle longer.
And that's a little bit selfishof me because mama was in a lot
of pain, but I did have a girllike maybe I shouldn't have told
(34:10):
her.
Okay.
And it wouldn't have broke herspirit like that.
Yeah.
I just wouldn't lie to her.
Now I'm not a good liar.
No, I wasn't.
When she asked me, I was like,yeah, mama.
That's what they said.
Yeah.
I couldn't lie.
I can't lie to my mama.
Yeah.
I didn't lie.
But she could tell women to cometell her, but I felt like I had
to tell her cause she was doinga lot.
Yeah, my mama just wanted thatwas that part of the independent
(34:33):
and her dignity because it gaveher the, because one of the, uh,
well, it just kind of surprisedme too, though, because I think
back on the last outing we wentwith her, so she does birthday
cards for every person I stilllook at that place every time I
go by.
Yeah, me too.
I can't go in the store.
Right.
I can't go in that store.
But, um, Um, all the time, but,uh, go, uh, we took her out to
(34:59):
Hallmark cards to go buy ourbirthday card.
She didn't buy mine.
She bought the August birthdaycard.
It was, she had a, she had, shehad a routine.
Yeah.
And it's, she kept saying it'stime for me to go do my August
birthday cards.
Now, this is after, was it afterhospitalization?
Yeah.
Or is it before?
After it was after that was thelast time she ever left.
(35:20):
She left the house.
So we got her there.
It was a tough trip, but we gother there.
I tried to get her to eatsomething.
She wouldn't eat.
She started not eating.
And then, because I was on herabout food, that was part of my
fix it thing.
Uh, I was trying to get her toeat, she didn't have no appetite
to eat.
And, or if it did, it kind ofmade her sick.
(35:41):
And because the last time shewas in the hospital, she did
have chemo.
And they had put a port in herand all that.
But, that, those activities,too, were part of her dignity.
That was her brand, so to say.
There were certain things thatMama did.
That was part of her brand.
All her kids know.
Her Christmas cards, herbirthday cards.
(36:03):
There were certain things thatshe did that you knew was mama.
That was mama.
When she figured out that shecouldn't move about it did shift
her.
It did shift her.
And so, I say all this to say isthat there's a, there's a
balancing act and it depends onthe person, but allowing them to
(36:23):
have their dignity while stillkeeping them safe is super
important and being able to, uh,Discuss it with them because we
did have good dialogues withmama and communication to me is,
is key through all this.
We talked a lot, even though we,I didn't feel like I talked to
(36:45):
her because I think I have fearof it.
My own self, I talked about withher.
the care part of it, not theemotion side of it.
I did.
I used to turn against her allthe time.
Yeah.
But she, most of the time when Itry to talk about stuff, she,
she, she deter it.
Uh, she didn't talk a whole lotabout it.
(37:07):
Um, she might say, well, I wasjust thinking about what I'm
going to do and, and how I'mgoing to live through this.
You know, she won't talk aboutthe feeling part of it.
Kind of like, where are yougoing?
Like, what am I going to doabout it?
Type thing.
So that's kind of the way.
I got it honest then.
Yeah.
She wouldn't, You know, causeI'd ask, you know, I've been,
(37:28):
y'all what are you thinking,mama?
You know, what you thinking?
I'm usually thinking aboutdoing, you want to know how I
feel right now.
Yes.
And so even like, we will saythat, um, when it came down to
it and she couldn't reallysustain herself and it wasn't
(37:54):
really much more they could do.
And, uh, when it came time forhospice and we had, uh, we had
been working up to it though.
We had, we had it.
And I, and because I do where Iworked in healthcare, And I
worked around physicians,nurses, et cetera, who, who have
(38:17):
worked in hospice and palliativeand some of those designations
that you will hear about peoplewith chronic conditions, et
cetera.
I had them a little bit to leanon, not as, you know, just about
what to ask for.
What do I make sure happens?
You know, they help guide methrough it.
And I thank God for them.
What are some of those thingsthat you have to think about?
(38:40):
Um, what, uh, basically whatshould you expect from these
agencies?
Right.
What services do they do?
If somebody tells you, you aregoing to, uh, What they call
palliative oncology services.
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
(39:00):
Uh, is that just, and what Ilearned was it just means that
it may not be curable always.
Some people are, some peoplearen't, but it's managing the
spread of it.
So if you go on chemo, you'rejust trying to.
Manage it to not be spreading.
Yes.
So you're just trying to dothat.
Yes So now she went onpalliative care before she went
(39:22):
on hospice.
Yes.
Yes, she did.
Yeah And that's why I would takeher to the other it wasn't the
same cancer center It was adifferent location and I loved
that team.
Yes They were very now they werevery direct And that's, but
going through those stages, itgave, it armed us, or they, I
(39:44):
can't, I say I might have beenthere present, but I was the one
who was taking the informationgiven to me by everybody, Niecee
you know, Jackie, differentpeople that I will come with my
list.
So that I could, because I hadto report back.
So we all had to be ready toreport back and make sure she
was the most flexible and Icould flex and go and do it.
(40:07):
And that, cause I knew, and Ihad, I knew what to ask.
And I had people around me to goask if I didn't understand.
Right.
So it was a good, I, I feelblessed that I was had that
opportunity to have thoseresources available to me.
Right.
Yes.
So yes, good stuff.
Because when you don't know whatto expect, like when, you know,
(40:29):
we're like, are they going tocome and give her a bath?
We want, we expecting a bathevery day.
We're the people at, you know,you gotta be able to understand
how they work.
If she can't get up and go tothe bathroom, do I have to ask
for a catheter?
Is that something theyautomatically do?
It's little steps like that thatyou should know.
Or do they provide a bed?
(40:49):
Do they provide a little, do youremember that?
Oh my God, Mama, she was like,she was sitting there like the
queen she was, she was notgetting in that hospital bed.
She just saw this bed theybrought.
Now, they did put her on oxygen.
Now, a lot of people would bethankful for that bed.
But Mama didn't need it.
Mama had an adjustable bed.
Yeah, she had an adjustable bed.
But I had told him bring hereverything she can have.
(41:10):
She looked at that bed.
She's like, I ain't moving outof my bed.
I don't know what you broughtthere.
You might as well tell them.
And she had her bed propped upwhen she told him.
When she told him, you might aswell take that cause I ain't
sleeping in that.
I caught Mama being bougie, likequit that girl.
That's all right.
But I, I told him to bringeverything.
I wanted everything that she hadaccess to.
So and then if she could saywhat she don't want and then
(41:33):
we'll get it up out of here.
That's what happened.
So.
Yeah, being able to know to knowto ask questions and to have
resource.
That's why I say being anadvocate as the, the, the
workers that do come into yourhome.
If you have somebody coming intoyour home, ask questions, ask
about the medications.
Yeah, that's what we did.
We were like, well, I want toknow everything because.
(41:55):
What we not gonna do is just beover here flying blind, you
know, and if you don't ask a lotof times They won't say
anything.
So being communicative.
Yeah, because we did hospice inthe home.
Yes, we didn't send her to afacility.
That was because she didn't wantto.
She made it very clear.
I didn't want to.
That she didn't want to go andyou didn't want to.
And I didn't either.
But when we got, it got reallyhard to move her and we didn't
(42:18):
know whether she needed acatheter or she, you know, we
didn't know what to do, get her,get her bathed and change.
And she was in really bad pain.
That's when the hospice nursecame and said, well, you guys
really should think aboutsending her to the hospital.
And all we had to do is look atmama.
And then we looked at her.
It was like, Nope.
That's not going to happen.
(42:38):
We ain't sending her nowhere.
So, uh, You're going to walk usthrough how we're going to do
this.
And we did it.
And that's what, that's whathappened.
So it was giving her her dignityat the same time so that she
could have, and she, at thistime, by the time we got to
hospice, we had all kind ofreserved, resigned ourselves
that, um, you know, it was, she,she's just, she's going to pass
(43:02):
all the moments and everythingthat we had with her, uh, just
manager her care.
You know, what does she need?
Making sure she had water,whatever she was able to partake
of and, you know, help hermanage through it.
And so that, that leads into oneof the last key points that I
wanted to make sure we talkedabout that you talked about
(43:23):
earlier is the The planning partof it.
Oh yeah.
We waited a little late.
We were late and we knew better.
And I better, I know better now.
I still need to get my affairsin order.
I got it written up.
I ain't done nothing.
I haven't done, I got it writtenup, but I need to get it in
(43:44):
order.
Never know.
It's documented.
It's documented.
But you're right.
So what we learned through thatprocess, and we, and again.
Having a network of good peoplearound you.
Yes.
It's so critical.
We had a, uh, uh, uh, attorneythat was a neighbor who helped
us.
Him and his paralegal wereawesome.
They came in the home.
(44:04):
They even came in our home andhelped write and draft it and
notarize and do all of thosethings.
for her, but we were like at the11th hour.
That's what I would tell you.
Uh, trying to get affairs andlegal affairs in order.
Uh, but we got it done.
I'm not gonna, you should, uh,like we had to think about bank
accounts and things like thattoo.
(44:26):
And how, how, She did thatpretty early.
She did her bank stuff earlierwhen she was still a little bit
more mobile.
She added me to the accounts andstuff like that because there
are certain things that youcan't do Yes, when somebody's
single with an account that iteither goes into probate or
different Yeah, i'm not tryingto advise anybody but go figure
out what's going on in your areaAnd how it has to work, but in
(44:49):
her particular account, that'swhat they told us would have to
be done, uh, in order for us tohave any, uh, access or
responsibility for her affairsfollowing we did the will, who
was going to be the, uh,executor, all of those things.
And she gave us insight to whatshe had, but she didn't have.
How much it was, why she's stillthere and able to talk.
(45:12):
Now what we did realize, I didrealize when I tried to get her
to talk about it, that was partof what she didn't want to talk
about.
Right.
And when we started doing thehealthcare proxy pieces, there
are some very specific questionsabout resuscitation.
What extents do you need to gothrough to extend life?
She didn't really want to extendabout it.
(45:33):
Yeah.
Now, by this time, she knows shecould walk.
She knew some of those things.
She hadn't quite, everythinghadn't gotten worse.
I guess she wasn't just layingdown in the bed.
She was sitting on the side ofher bed.
She was up watching TV, doingdifferent things.
But when I finally got her oneday, To go answer the questions.
I had to kind of put the nonemotional face on, ask her the
(45:57):
questions in a way that weren't,uh, over legalized.
Uh, if that makes sense.
Cause sometimes the wording onthe forms and things.
are not as clear.
And, and mom, mom was a veryintelligent person.
Heck yeah.
But they used legal ease a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, and just trying to re helppeople understand about
resuscitation or mm-hmm Whatextent people will go through.
(46:19):
And I'm not clinical, I'll sayagain, but I just, no advice.
We can't give, I can't give heradvice.
I'm just saying, what do youwant to have happen?
Yes.
And I just had to say yes, no,you do, you know, fill out those
forms.
And that was a part of all thatdocumentation.
And remember that.
Another thing I learned throughthat process is there's a
different power of attorney.
(46:40):
For your affairs and otherthings.
And then there's another one foryour healthcare.
A lot of people don't know, Oh,you got power, durable power of
attorney.
Yeah.
Over that.
But in some environments youhave to have a healthcare power
of attorney.
Exactly.
Yes.
So there's different documentsand things.
If you have property, go talk tosomebody about what you need in
(47:04):
your state, what, you know, and,and with your, uh, your system.
So that was one of our, mylessons.
Don't wait till the very lastminute and then, uh, be okay
having those uncomfortableconversations no matter when it
happens.
Even if it is the 11th hour,it's still good to have done it.
Yeah.
(47:24):
Because if something were tohappen to her or something
before we did, before we haddone all that, cause you got
emotion and you got other peopleinvolved.
We, yes, we, her children.
All of us are her children.
And yes, I'm the oldest, butit'd be without those things.
No one of us had any more rightto respond.
You know what I mean?
(47:44):
We're all her children.
So her declaring who's going todo help make the decisions,
who's, this is what I want.
And I don't want, those arecritical things to know about
any parent or any loved one thatyou might know.
I agree.
And so it was, And even aftershe passed away, we still have a
lot of legal things to dealwith, but that made that process
(48:08):
so easy.
That is highly encouraged.
So easy.
You just had to go file this atthe courthouse, go do the bank,
this paperwork, do this, turnthe keys over to the car, do all
that little stuff.
It was stuff to do, but it madeit so much easier.
It did.
Thank you.
So, I don't know.
(48:28):
Did you have anything else youwanted to?
Oh, I don't know.
This was very, uh, Therapeuticfor me a little bit.
Really?
Yeah.
I feel like talking about andsay that, you know, good.
It feels good to kind of say itand, and I really hope that this
helps somebody, me too, whohappens upon it and listens to
it.
Me too.
They can help'em in theirjourney.
(48:49):
If they have to face this at anytime in their life.
I, I hope that it will be a helpto them in some kind, shape,
form, or fashion.
Was say to Niecee though,there's a, there was a.
There's a lot of stuff that wedidn't get into the weeds about.
We skipped a lot of time frame.
But as we, uh, Niecee lived withmom 10 years.
(49:09):
I lived with mom about, uh, whatis it?
Six or seven years, right?
18 to, yeah, 20, 22.
So that was it.
Five years.
I lived with her again.
Um, but through all of that,there were other events that
were happening that we haven'ttalked about here.
(49:31):
Uh, but as Niecee kind of said,there were things and things
that later.
As you went back through herhealth care records, you found
and saw that were repeating andthat we didn't know, uh, when
she, I told you about thatnodule or thing, we didn't know
that she only has so many timesthat they can do this scan
before they stop doing it.
(49:51):
They'll still have you keepcoming to see the pulmonologist,
but you just go in there andsay, how are you doing today?
And they do their little, littlething and they read you and
listen to your lungs and youmove on.
And all I would do is say, mama,how'd you, how'd you pulmonology
report up?
visit a go, baby, honey.
I ain't got to go back for sixmonths.
You know, she's in the hospital.
Yeah.
(50:12):
And then, yeah.
And then right behind it.
But we just didn't know youdidn't go.
So that was a little things.
I just wanted to add is that wedidn't go into all the details,
but if you, if, if, if.
One day, maybe a topic will comeup where we'll get to give a
little bit more insight.
Agree in certain areas we we'reapplicable.
(50:32):
Agree.
I agree.
I say be aware, be as involvedas much as you can.
Agree.
Uh, self care, that's one thing.
Yes.
That I feel like we didn't talkabout a lot.
Fair, fair point.
Um, that through it all for thecaregiver.
Oh man.
It gave me a whole differentinsight on that.
Yes.
Because it.
It wears on you.
(50:53):
It's a challenging time for you.
And it's just as muchemotionally challenging and
physically challenging.
A lot of times it's the personthat's going through it.
And so being able to thankgoodness, it was two of us
where, I don't know how I wouldhave managed that if I was by
myself, uh, but having the, Thesupport to be able to, sometimes
(51:14):
I could step away and have amoment to myself to meditate, to
read, to just decompress, orjust to veg out on the show just
to try to be me for just amoment, even though I was still
carrying this with me, but justgo for a walk or go for a drive
or do something to have a momentto myself, because especially in
those last days, it got intense.
(51:36):
And it was, um, It becomes achallenge for you and you kind
of go through some emotionalstates and have states of
depression and, uh, differentthings like that.
And being willing to go and talkto somebody if you're not okay.
Like for me, Yes, I did too.
(51:58):
I did too, because I was superhighly emotional.
Uh, and it was, uh, I don'tknow.
We talked about it a lot, butyou know, I was there, uh, when
my father died and he died in myarms.
Uh, I was there when mama died.
I wasn't there when my step mom,mom, When Momz died, uh, but I
(52:19):
was there shortly thereafter,you know, so losing those people
that you love so much is, uh,taxing on you.
And mama was really, reallyclose.
Her dad, daddy, I, I didn'thandle that well at all.
And I made it, I didn't manageit emotionally effectively.
And I went down the rabbit holeof alcoholism after that.
(52:42):
And I was.
this time that I wasn't going tolose myself in this, which after
all these years, you've done sowell, I've done so well, but
that if that would have been atime, that could have been to
fall off the wagon, as they say,it would have been after I lost
my mama, you know, so I wouldhave saw somebody.
(53:05):
So being able to be an okay togo and see Seeing somebody and
taking care of yourself andseeking help where you need it.
You know, outside help, familyhelp, talking to my, thank
goodness we have a strong tribewhere I had you tell them we
leaned on each other.
We still lean on each other.
We still cry together.
Yeah.
(53:25):
You remember the time when we goin the dining room, mama's room
across the way from us.
We go in the dining room, likesitting over there having these
real serious conversations.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Real quiet.
What are we going to do?
Okay.
Uh, you going to do this?
I get that.
Sorry.
Yeah.
We talk a real low.
We talking low because we can'thear.
But it's that, that, thatsupport, that support.
(53:46):
And not everybody has it.
Right.
And reaching out to my childrenand grandchildren and they held
us up and held us down.
And remember, we should havetalked about that.
Remember when Jackie and herfriend got us an earlier
appointment.
For the palliative part.
Yes.
They wanted us to wait a month.
(54:07):
They they we had before we couldget her All over the place.
So we and then so when I tellyou we had a tribe.
Oh my god, we still got a tribeWe still got a tribe we still
trying to hold it for mamabecause mama was And daddy too.
I we we were just blessed withreally You kind of heard us
talking about, uh, in our last,uh, first episode about some of
(54:30):
our, uh, family dynamics and ourparents.
And as you could tell, theyended up divorcing and things,
but they gave us a really strongfoundation of love.
Number one was the core messageabout it.
You couldn't be fighting.
You couldn't be, you know, wefought, don't get me wrong, but
they emphasize, you know, youdon't fight with your family.
(54:50):
You don't do that.
But, uh, um, And a sense offamily and love that we can have
that.
And so as, as now we kind of theelders of the, of the tribe, we
carry, we try to carry that onand be that voice and with our
children and, and how we raisethe family.
It's not even I, what I learnedfrom all of this.
(55:13):
And at first I didn't take onthat.
I didn't take, now I take a lotof responsibility for a lot of
things, but until mama passed.
Did I ever feel like I had thatresponsibility?
I didn't because that was hersand she wore loud and proud and
it wasn't mine to take.
It wasn't mine to take.
Or mine or yours.
(55:33):
Right?
She didn't have, she, she, shecarried that.
She wasn't the queen.
Now, body more so than me, butI'm coming in a strong second.
I walk with you and I don'tknow, but I don't feel alone
with the blessing of theblessing.
But even if somebody doesn'thave that in their life, I say
still reach out.
There are free resources andthings like that out there and
(55:55):
try to get some support whereveryou can talk to somebody and try
to get information and support.
And then if you ever have theopportunity to.
Foster a family around you,whether they blood or not, then,
then that communication and thatsupport and that love of your
loved ones is super important.
(56:16):
So that's what I have to sayabout that.
You know like Forrest Gump overhere.
That's all I have to say aboutthat.
This has been really good.
Really, really therapeutic andhealing.
And I really do pray that thismakes sense to somebody.
(56:37):
Cause I know we're just talkingthis.
And so, uh, hopefully you allreceive some value from it.
I think this went really well,we'll likely break it up in a
series because it has gone onfor a while, but I'm glad I
wouldn't take it back.
We got to, we got to get itthrough and we didn't even dig
in everything.
Just like Voni said, so we askthat you, uh.
(57:01):
Hang in there with us.
Keep coming back.
We appreciate you stopping by.
Like I spoke about earlier, I dowant to create a sister girl
community, a sisterhood, a placewhere we all come to learn and
grow and evolve together.
Absolutely.
No, nobody is meant to walk thisjourney alone and even if it has
to be virtual, let's do it.
(57:22):
You know?
So keep tuning in.
Keep coming back.
We appreciate you spending timewith the sister girl sessions
today and we're going to goahead and close and you all have
a great rest of your time andwe'll see you on the next
session.
Peace.
Peace.
All right All right Hello and
welcome to the sister girlSessions My name is Niecee and
i'm Voni and we have createdthis podcast so that we can come
on and share Our lifeexperiences, lessons learned,
(00:21):
and just to share some laughs,of course, and it's all
developed around a hopefully agood Gen X vibe.
You know what I mean?
So today we have a topic ofcaring for aging and skin.
Sick parents, uh, in the gen Xgeneration, we have a lot of
(00:41):
baby boomers, uh, parents areliving longer.
And so we'd like to broach thattopic because there are a lot of
lessons that I've learned in theexperience in that and things
that we feel like we could sharewith, others who may be facing
those same challenges.
So with that, We continue withSister Girl Session 2, Part 2,
(01:03):
Caring for Aging Parents.
We had to go, we did have to goback to the oncologist, but at
this phase, we are going to mostof her sessions.
But there was another piece,Niecee I can't, I'm trying, I
don't know, it was only a fewyears ago, but there was a part
of it where the radiologist sawsome of this stuff.
I remember him asking for moretests of her because when she
(01:29):
was doing the radiation.
He could see he sees he saw someof the other stuff going on, but
he couldn't really.
Now, one of the other things wedid, and now nowadays people
talk about don't be an internet,uh, doctor.
Then when we learn more, when wegot the first biopsy test, We
didn't understand it.
Right.
(01:49):
So one of the things that now,yes, I know they give you those
tests.
We asked for every document aswe started going through this
process.
But one of my lessons was, is togo ask them to interpret that
test to you.
Cause I felt like after nowhearing the first one and they
minimized her having to do chemoor any other more scans.
(02:14):
And then now we're here, we are,and what, what had happened was,
She had cancer now in her bonesand it was in her ribs.
It cracked her ribs.
It cracked one of her ribs.
That's where the pain in theback and side was.
That's where the pain in theback and side came from.
And so, that's one of thethings, and I will talk about,
(02:35):
The experience just from myreflection, my personal
perception, I can't not claimanything, but I started to ask
myself because I've been momwith mama for years, and so
she's always gone to the doctorso now, and she had been back
and forth to the doctor withthe.
With the bronchitis and, uh, allthe different respiratory issues
(03:00):
and she had been having pain inher hips and leg and all these
things.
And so when you're going backand forth to the doctor all the
time, and you're like, say, forinstance, for the respiratory
issues, if, if I had it to doover again, or I was caring for
an aging parent, I'd say if my,If my loved one is going back
(03:23):
and forth to the doctor for thesame thing over and over again I
will push for more.
I need a deeper answer than youjust continuing to prescribe
this prednisone or the you knowWhatever they do And the other
benefit we have I just want tointerject here because everybody
has different levels of healthcare right and different.
(03:46):
Um, um You know, benefits andthings.
And you know, we all do, we'rein America, we deal with
insurance companies, et cetera.
And we were fortunate that ourmother was a, a government
employee had really goodbenefits.
So it wasn't about financials.
It really wasn't.
And I don't even know that itwasn't about.
(04:09):
Asking for the test to yourpoint, right?
I don't think because we didn'task for it or did the doctor
didn't describe it.
It just never even went thatroute.
I think that, okay.
My own perception is that shewas receiving a lot of what I
call drive through healthcare.
You go to the appointment, theycheck the box, check, check,
check.
What?
Oh, that's happening.
(04:30):
Well, I prescribed everybodythat has that.
And so you're going to get that.
You know, this is what I do, youknow, and, um, that's just how I
feel, you know, and that's whatshe got.
Just like the, oncologist say,Oh, I've seen this before.
So this is just this and this.
You're not looking at the wholeperson.
(04:50):
But what I learned from that,you check at some of the boxes
now on the other side of that,because I have, uh, worked in
the healthcare industry,especially on the revenue side
of it.
I do know that.
Sometimes it's not even thedoctors.
Okay.
Sometimes it, a lot of times thedoctor may have a desire to dig
(05:12):
into something a little further,but they know that they don't
really have a case that they canpresent to the insurance company
that will be able to get it.
Covered Because you know, forsome of these things you're
gonna have to have anauthorization.
Mm-hmm Everything now.
Everything, now everything.
Gotta have even more so now.
But you know, you just office.
You ain't trying to getreimbursed.
Yeah.
(05:32):
You not getting paid.
Now you gotta pay for it.
Where did not paying for it,you're gonna pay for it.
So that's another note.
You know, don't ever let anybodydo anything till you know it's
clear.
You gotta, you gotta yourinsurance.
So you gonna own it.
You gonna own it?
Yes.
Mm-hmm And so, yeah, I thinkthat was part of it too.
Mm-hmm But it's just like.
A couple of those things where Ithink we have really big
opportunities in our healthcaresystem.
(05:55):
You know what I mean?
So yeah, we went through that.
So it just like a, a bigwhirlwind, all these different
things culminating.
But I now, you know, and I thinkwe both did a lot of research
and Jack, I mean, we were allkind of, once we understood what
was happening, we startedlooking up, none of us are
clinical.
Okay.
We got one niece who's a nurse.
(06:17):
I got one niece, who's a nurse.
You know, she's, she's a nurse,but the rest of us aren't.
And so I did, I use theinternet.
I went online, I went to web MD,different places to go
understand that pathology reporta little deeper.
And that's where we understoodthat the type of cancer she had
(06:40):
was aggressive.
And it was fast growing, justthe terminology they use now,
and that's on the, on the flipside of that.
Yeah.
And we did.
Yeah.
Now we didn't know that.
We didn't know that then.
And even when we went back to,like you were saying to the
oncologist, They were still veryguarded.
That's another thing.
(07:00):
You can't always depend on whatthey're going to tell you in
these appointments.
I always say, uh, me, myself,and I recommend anybody, but I
can't recommend to my healthportal or my loved ones.
Health information portal.
They got the patient portal.
(07:21):
They got all the notes and allthat.
Yes.
Where they have the records andthe reports.
And if you have to go andrequest a copy of the records.
Because a lot of the things I'veeven went to doctor's
appointments on my own and theybe like, Oh yeah, it's fine.
Then you go look it up and theysaying all kinds of stuff on the
back end.
Wait a minute.
You didn't say that to me.
(07:42):
Well, yeah, it happens now.
You know what I'm saying, andthere are references to certain
diagnoses that they didn't sayto you.
They didn't say to me.
So, you know, having access tothose portals, which like you
were saying, um, took us into adeeper dive into some of this
(08:02):
terminology once we said, okay,so they said this here and this
was referenced.
And the interesting part to meis that after we got the
diagnosis, of course theyadmitted her to the hospital for
more tests.
You know, she was mad aboutthat.
Yeah, she, you know, she didn'twant to be there, especially
then.
And so, uh, and I, I, this is mylife guys.
(08:23):
Yes.
March was the first diagnosis.
This occur is a June or July.
It might've been June.
Is it June or July june junejune june or early early july
was it Zell's birthday yet Notyet.
No june must have been june.
Yeah, so march june.
So yeah, this is where we hadthe little small That was a
(08:45):
little small.
We don't went no scan Radiation.
She ain't even finished thelittle radiation treatment.
She ain't even finishedradiation yet the treatments so
She had, it took her a while todo the pre-auths and all that to
even get to the radiation.
So that's part of it too.
Yeah.
And then once she got in there,this flared up during that time.
(09:05):
And so now you, uh, now we tourwhat, which event next?
So, no, I'm saying that we wereat the.
At the hospital and theyadmitted her, I had to think
about where was I here?
Okay, so they admitted her andthey are running more tests and
so they decided to do a biopsy.
(09:27):
They wanted to go test thosetissues.
They wanted to find out theorigination point.
Yes, I know.
I forgot.
You just took me back.
And so, they go to do this.
And, um, we, they, they took itout of her, her soft tissue, of
her stomach.
(09:47):
And so with those and thosetests, we had to wait, but I
don't want to jump ahead becauseI do want to state that.
At that point, because I startedthinking about my mama.
I'm playing all this back.
I don't went back.
She wanted to go home.
She did.
She was afraid that she mightnot make it home and she
couldn't.
By this time, she was havingreally a hard time walking.
(10:09):
We had her on a walker.
We had her in a wheelchair.
We were calling in and ask itfor different things.
So my step sister, though, gaveus gave us some materials that
we had to deal with with ourcommunity.
Yes, resources, resources.
She let us use some of thethings that my step mom had used
during her.
It was mom.
(10:29):
I miss my mom's much love, uh,my mother's, uh, so we got her
home and we got her home.
They had did the test on thetissue and that's when we
started diving in and looking upall this data and finding out
that it was a fast spreading andall this stuff, but little did
we know because even to thisday, I will say in jumping in, I
(10:52):
don't know where we, we hadn'tdone that.
And we're new to this podcastday.
So bear with us, but they.
Never did really find out theorigination of it of it.
Never.
Well, we found out by looking inher records.
It was not voluntary,"volun-told" told to us,
voluntarily told to us that whenthey went in to do the tissue,
(11:16):
somehow the soft tissue thatthey tried to test.
Did not work and they had tosend it.
They use the same, uh, biopsythat they had did on her breasts
to try to figure out where theorigin of the cancer was.
(11:37):
So the one, the second, thesecond biopsy was unusable.
They went back to the other oneand then tried to use it to go
figure out the location of itand to this day.
We don't know.
We'll tell us what that was.
And so we, now we believe, Idon't know how you feel.
I believe it was related to hersmoking in the, I don't know.
(12:01):
Or it could have been her, Idon't know where it came from,
but it's, it's like there wasenough in her lungs.
I do too.
And that's where now as youlearn more, as I have learned
more about cancers and, anddifferent types of cancer.
That those are types that spreadand different things.
(12:22):
I think the breast was secondaryIt was and now what we did see
from the records is that thebreast was definitely not the
primary Mm hmm.
We know that but we don't knowwhere they originate cannot tell
us but we couldn't find it inthe records I should say but
they didn't tell us almost anyof that We dug into her patient
portal and I asked her For allher records, because I was so
(12:45):
upset.
I'm still, as you can tell, I'ma little salty about it.
The wish factor.
I'll be on a wish factor.
If there are any lawyers outthere that feel like I got a
case, get in contact.
Cause I'll be like, somebodyneed to pay.
Cause my mama did everything shecould and she should have.
Well, how many appointments didyou count?
(13:06):
You did a count.
I did a count.
All the stuff where she reportedproblems with her lungs.
I counted them up.
I have to go look at therecords.
It's been a while.
But it was a, it was a doubledid 40.
It was like getting admitted tothe hospital.
Now what I found when I auditedher records, I went in and she
was telling us the story.
She was asking for the help.
(13:27):
During the time it told a storyand her, oh my God, it, it, it
was, they were prescribing thesame thing, this drive through
health.
That is what we do.
We do what we do.
Here you go.
Here you go, girl.
When I went through a whole bigthing, when I went, I audited
here records.
I reached out to lawyers andthey were like, well, it may be
a case, but we're not going totake it.
(13:49):
But I'm like, man, I, and I, Ikind of backed off, but man, I'm
like, somebody need pay.
Yeah, anybody want to take thecase and holler at your girl
because What we experienced wasnot right and the most
interesting part tell them aboutthe oncology Yeah.
Now that, that second visit toher after the last diagnosis.
(14:12):
Now, I can make, I can makepeople feel very uncomfortable.
I know I have a tendency to dothat, but I'm usually very
serious, probably businessminded, but she could not wait.
She's sitting in there.
She's like, Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh, we, you know, neveracknowledging that she should
have, could have done anythingthere, honey.
I came up in that, in that room.
(14:33):
I had my list of questions andshe wasn't getting out of there
till she answered every singleone of mine.
And every time I would ask thequestion, she'd be like, she had
her hands on her knees.
She's, she's like ready to go.
No, no, honey.
I got a few more questions thatI got for you here.
And I was going to get throughevery one of them.
And do you know?
That that was the last time theynever changed who my mother was
(14:57):
assigned to as her oncologistBut we never never saw that
lady.
They used to come up witheverything in the world on why
she was not there Now we couldgo into a whole bunch of other
stuff that happened associatedwith that, but I don't know how
appropriate I guess I would sayyeah, uh, it would be to go into
(15:17):
some of those logistics relatedto her treatment But there's
some more to it Um, even aboutthe oncologist that we could
share, but I don't, I don't wantto, uh, defame anyone without
knowing.
It's appropriate to say Yeah.
Is what I know.
Well, we were disappointed iswhat we were disappointed.
Just say I was, I wasdisappointed in, and I'm gonna
(15:38):
say this PCP or her medicalgroup and the, and the, the
cancer treatment people.
The, and we left.
I, I we held a little grudge.
We did.
I we had a little grudge.
We, and this is the thing.
I have referred mama to both ofus.
We all going to see the samedoctor.
I never seen her again.
We know I did when I went backone time afterwards, afterwards,
(16:01):
and I looked at her and I wastalking to her and I was like, I
can't do this.
I can't.
I just can't.
I can't.
I held a grudge.
I know that that's what it was.
And I can't trust you.
You didn't take care of my mom,right?
I can't trust you to take careof me now.
You can't do it.
So I had to go somewhere else.
Yeah, you fumbled that ball.
So, uh, we, we had to go, I hadto leave, but it was, uh, the
(16:24):
lessons for me, as I told youearlier, I would have wanted to
be more active, uh, She wasprivate and it was her business,
but it wasn't like she wouldn'thave told us or she, if we had
asked, she'd probably shared itwith us.
And that was something that Iwould tell anybody.
If you think that your parentsare willing to tell you
(16:46):
something, ask for it, ask themso that you can go help them
navigate.
Healthcare is so complex, somany things to go work from,
especially if they willing toshare with you, go help them dig
in, um, Go show up with them.
Get access to the patientportals.
Go get access to the portalswhere you will get a lot more
(17:06):
details, lab tests, anythingreferenceable.
They have to put it in thoseportals because you know they
submitting that to theminsurance companies so that they
can get their funds.
Do it.
That's where you're going tolearn.
Right.
That is the way to get it.
Yes.
I don't know.
That's my, that's my two cents.
Just go, go get the access or goparticipate in it.
(17:26):
Now some people don't want youin their business.
I respect that too.
Right.
But if you can have aconversation with your aging or
ill parent or loved one,whatever relation, they could be
a friend that you might betaking care of.
Ask some of those questions.
Yes.
And I'd say also, um, go to theappointments with them as much
(17:48):
as possible.
Um, be another if they areadmitted it to the hospital.
Yes.
Always, always try to havesomebody there with them.
I recommend that 24 seven.
And the reason why you don'tknow why when the doctors are
showing up, when they're goingto show up, you don't know when
they come in.
And me and mama used to laughabout this.
We go on rotation.
We go in rotation.
(18:09):
I got one night and he's Youknow, we, we rotate in, but The
thing you know, they not gettingno rest much in there because I
call it the vampires are comingin there These people doing the
lab work.
They're doing their job I'm notsaying that but they come in so
often and on their routines.
I gotta do your vitals I gottado your blood sugar.
I gotta go do these things Andbut the thing is is that the
(18:31):
other family members that arethere with them Can be the eyes
and ears and especially whenthey are not feeling well Things
are happening around them andthey are responding, but it's
not with a sense of consciousresponse, right?
They are not respond.
They are just saying, okay, dowhatever you need to do to help
(18:51):
me make feel better.
Nobody's asking, but what aboutthis?
Or But did you, what you saidthis last time, what about that?
There's nobody there when thatperson is that sick to be that
advocate for them.
So you need an advocate withyou, especially during these
more chronic and as they'reaging.
Yes.
I just feel like it's somethingyou want to have.
(19:13):
All of it.
Yes.
So I'm looking at my notes hereand so I want to make sure we
touch on The emotional aspect ofit, like different facets of
that.
To start out, what you gonnaask?
Um, what you gonna ask me?
I don't tell, let me speak toit.
All right.
What you gonna say?
(19:33):
The, the fear.
Okay.
Of losing a parent.
Like I said, when I got thenews, I, I about fell apart.
I had so many flashes and somany things just run through my
head like, what does this mean?
My am I.
fear because you hear about thatmuch cancer and I had just went
through this with my stepmom.
You have a healthy respect for,you know, the, the, the damage
(19:56):
it could do to the human body.
And so the fear of losing yourparent and being able to, uh,
reconcile those feelings whilestill being able to be, um,
Functional and supportive of theperson that's dealing with it
because they have their ownfears and emotions.
And like we said, mama, she waslike, um, kind of, you know, uh,
(20:21):
blank slate.
Like she was holding it close tothe vest.
We would talk to her, engagewith her.
But when it She was goingthrough all those major events.
She would talk to us and everynow and again, she gives me a
little bit of her true feelings.
You know, I know we'll get tothat a little later, but I
(20:41):
remember I told you about thatlast time she was in the
hospital when they finally toldher about her hip socket and
stuff.
And we had started to talkabout, uh, power of attorney,
healthcare proxies, Uh, lastwill testament properties doing
your, uh, end of lifeactivities.
(21:02):
Yes.
Yeah.
Now we waited.
That's another thing I would, II cannot change.
Hold on, man.
You won't do that yet.
I'm, I'm talking about themotion, the emotion of it.
Okay.
Sorry, I got confused.
No, no body.
That's what's going on with VoniShit like opened up the
Pandora's Box Voni It's the typeof person that holds everything
close to her vest.
(21:23):
You talk, you could talk aboutit more than you will express
the actual emotion of it.
I don't.
And so this is her, cause she'lltalk about it, but the
expression of the emotion.
So Niecee goes into fear.
I go into fix it by like fix itmode.
(21:43):
Yeah.
I fix it mode.
That's me.
That's my reaction.
So even in that moment withMama, I go into fix it.
I didn't go, I I had to go focuson Mama.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What was she doing?
How was you doing?
Okay, I gotta go tell mybrothers and sisters.
I kind of go into this.
Other being almost so that I canstep out of the emotion.
(22:04):
Yes.
I don't want to address theemotion.
I feel the compassion of it.
You are the more, yeah, that'swhat I'm saying, you're the more
emotional one.
Yes, yes, and um, go through thethoughts and feelings of it.
Because I'm sure there's somepeople out there that go through
the same thing as me.
Yeah, and me too, samepersonalities.
You almost feel like a, a guiltand a frustration of not being
(22:25):
able to fix it because you wantto care for them and you love
them and you don't want to seethem in pain and you want to
take it away from them and youwant to help.
And, and one thing I will say isthat, um, for like, we touched
on it earlier, everybody handleseverything differently.
So while you and I, of course welive with mom.
So, It was, we were hercaregivers.
(22:48):
It wasn't even really a questionup for discussion.
We, we doing this, but oursiblings, we have a sister and
two brothers and then she has ahost of grandchildren and great
grandchildren, greatgrandchildren that, you know,
uh, they care, they were here,but they, it wasn't like they
were in the rotation or, ordoing any of those type of
(23:11):
things.
And everybody has to deal withthings in their own way.
And so.
I will be, and Lord knows thatI'm not saying anything was
wrong with it, but when I wentthrough it, it did, you know, I
sit down and pause about like,where, what y'all doing?
What where my sister'em at?
I went, where my brothers at?
(23:31):
We have a difficulat situation.,that's the difference, that's
the situation.
So this is the middle childthing that needs to go through,
whereas I'm the oldest.
I don't even think like thatUhhuh.
I'm just like, you got what yougot.
But these are real thoughts.
These are real.
No, I'm not diminishing.
Love everybody.
No, I'm not diminishing it just,I'm just I recognize that how
(23:52):
you respond though.
Yeah.
Because you kind what y'alldoing, so what you mean?
No, but I be lying if I said Ididn't.
No.
And see, and that didn't eventhink, that didn't come through
my head.
I did.
It did.
And and see, and I think it'sjust about.
You know, it is birth and orderscreate different dynamics within
(24:17):
the family, right?
So, so we were talking about theemotional part of it and that
was my fix it.
Yes.
I did not release any emotion.
I did not, I did, I refused.
I was going to fix this.
That was my goal.
But see, me and, me and mama,we, we, we both are emotional
beings.
I was a lot like her in thatway.
(24:38):
And so, uh, like where Voniwould come in, like, mama, is it
time to eat?
Do you got to take yourmedicine?
Mama be over there on thesidelines.
So, um, my, I know they talkingabout me.
I know.
And so and my way of dealingwith, I'll climb in the bed with
her.
That's one of the things I missthe most about.
I climb in the bed with her.
(24:58):
I be laying on her shoulder, wewatch tv, you know, talk about
some things, you know?
Mm-hmm Just do the love thing.
She, like I said, so.
I got to feed you.
I got to go do this.
You know, I got to fix it up.
I got to clean it up.
I probably got that roll.
So, my job.
Yes, it's so, um, let me seehere.
(25:19):
Um, that's the emotion for me.
It was that.
And I don't know how our othersiblings felt about it.
I mean, I had to fix it.
That was my God.
Yes, that was, that was my, thatwas my emotion.
That was a healthy no.
It wasn't it's not a healthy wayto look at it And I still I
still I want to say I haven'tgrieved because I do believe I
agree.
(25:40):
Yeah Uh for her loss, but have Ilet it all out?
No, I still don't know that Ihave I don't I don't know But
there is a part of me that Itold you before and i'm not
gonna cry I'm gonna wave howmuch it weighs your hair to me
last man Is that right behindher?
I was always afraid that if Idid I wouldn't come come out It
(26:02):
Mm-hmm Mm-hmm And I just a fear,I just let it out all
throughout.
Yeah.
And I just kind of say, Ooh, Igotta shut that down.
Yeah.
Because I don't want you come,you gotta be able to function
through it.
I want, I gotta live, I gotta,you know, I got family, I got
job, I got all these things.
So it was, it is a fear.
It probably still is a fear thatI have.
It just like.
(26:22):
When you're dealing with yourparent and because it's shifted
really quickly, but I canimagine that a lot of people
that may end up listening tothis podcast could have parents,
uh, that end up, uh, going intoa decline state over a long
period of time.
No longer.
Yes.
Cause ours was short.
Ours was short and swift.
And then the, the climb was, Sohow do you, you know, how do you
(26:50):
make sure that they keep theirdignity even in that declining
state?
Because, you know, you know,that person, my mama was a proud
person.
She was our queen.
I tell you, you had to keep herclean.
She kept herself clean.
Before anybody came over, she'slike, we got to go.
(27:11):
Everything like that.
That's a part of their dignity.
Yes.
Yes.
My perspective on it is that tome, we both always made sure we
respected what she wanted toask.
We, we, we asked.
And, uh, we, we like, okay,well, we got to do, like you
said, we tells her it was timefor a shower.
(27:32):
Let's get you, let's get yourface done.
You do it.
You get your hair done.
Let's comb your hair.
Let's get you all fixed up, getyour clothes tight.
And it got to be a challenge.
And she'd be like, I don't wanty'all to have to deal with me on
that.
And then one day she had decidedthat.
She was getting better and shewas not going to be worried
about this walker and she wasgoing to, you know, be walking
(27:55):
to the bathroom and stuff back,which is within our role.
But you got to give her somecontext as to why she thought
that.
Now we kind of, uh, Think, thinkabout, you know, she told me
it's a dignity thing, but alsoshe was trying to be very
positive about her outcome andwhat she wanted to have happen.
(28:17):
And she believed it was somewhatmind over matter.
Yes.
If I can go.
Tell you that I can overcomethis.
I am going to overcome it.
And that was part of how welive.
That's how we live life.
Yeah.
And she's like, you can getthrough this.
This is just a thing.
You set your mind to it.
You can do it.
Right, right.
Yes.
And so that day she was like,she woke up one morning.
(28:39):
Yeah.
And I remember that was themorning and we about to go to
work.
Yes.
We about to go to our offices,you know, in the home.
But we ready to go to work.
We get in to come see her thatmorning.
She tells she gives us this newslike this what i'm about to do
i'm about to not use this walkeri'm gonna walk myself back to
the shower now keep in mind herhip uh now this time we didn't
(29:03):
know it was deteriorating wedidn't know how deep it had
gotten until another event butWe knew it was bad.
She couldn't walk her.
She could barely scoot her feet.
Now she could use the walker andkind of help glide herself
there.
But she believed that morningshe was going to go do me and
Niecee did it.
Now Niecee got this thing.
Niecee got this thing where she,she blinked.
(29:25):
If you see her, yeah, but shedoing this blinking thing.
All of us who know her know, uhoh, she like, she like, I
understand in this situation,what are you talking about?
Me and her look at each other.
She blinked at me.
I got my eyes.
And I'm sitting here like, okay,mama.
I said, now, mama, are you,this, this don't sound like a
(29:46):
good plan.
Mama.
Uh, she, she, she was adamant.
And so it was like that dignitypart.
Yeah.
She was adamant that she wasgoing to go do it.
Yeah.
So we had to come up with atactic to remain, to give her
Some dignity.
Niecee said, you want to tell mewhat you say?
Okay, mama, you negotiate.
I'm like, okay, okay.
I can understand that.
(30:06):
But how about this?
Maybe on the first round, maybewe'll leave the walker, but I'll
have you hold on.
I'm just going to walk with youjust to make sure, just, you
know, so we can make sure thatwhen you do it, that.
We are here with on our breaksor something like that.
(30:26):
Don't do this while we, while wenot in here, you know?
So at that time she decided shewanted to go right then, and I
walked along with her, rememberto the bathroom.
And she was, she made it.
She did.
But I know she was in a lot, shewas in a lot of pain.
She didn't try no more.
She didn't, but we had to lether, her try.
We had to let her try.
(30:47):
She went there and she came backand her constitution said I will
not have them bring me thatwalker.
She did later, but not duringthat event because she was
trying and it broke my heart topieces when I had to, uh, when
she was like, I'm going to walkagain, you know, and I had to
tell her mom when they had toldher that last hospital stay,
(31:10):
yes, that she wouldn't be ableto walk anymore.
She didn't take that.
Away from the hospital stay.
So this is again, when you, thisis a really important lesson.
Yes.
We heard the, the, the, what wasit?
What was that?
It was called Niecee because itwas the hospitalist.
It's a, uh, orthopedic surgeon.
(31:34):
Because they were trying tounderstand what was happening
with her hip.
Yes.
Yes.
I think it was an orthopedicsurgeon.
Well, you know, they do theirrotations and I was there.
Were you there too?
Yes.
We were both there this time.
So it was during the day he camethrough and he started telling
us that he had looked at the xrays.
They had done some x rays of herleg and that, uh, there was not
(31:58):
a love cartilage or bone thereto, You know, they would have to
replace the whole thing, butthey given her diagnosis and the
stage of cancer she had being soprogressive, they didn't believe
it was necessarily a good ideafor them to go like recreate her
socket to, because of the bone,they had gotten into her bone.
(32:18):
Now, did she associate that withwalking?
I don't think she did.
They did say it though.
They said that she won't be ableto, but see, I don't know.
She said it.
I remember I'm saying it and Iwas like, man, she didn't
because when I said it to her, Iknow, and because she kept
trying to, you know, and I wasso afraid and I know my mama,
(32:40):
you know, I don't live with itfor years.
She would try to do stuff whenyou're not around your back.
Yeah.
She's like, shoot, I got this.
I'm about to, you know, I'll belike, mama, mama, please mom.
It's so, um, I had to tell her,I was like, mama, you know, you
won't.
You won't be able to walk.
'cause we was trying to get herto use the, the, uh, the commode
and the commode and the, uh, thewheelchair, the walker, whatever
(33:04):
we could to get her around.
And she didn't want to hear itand she didn't believe me.
She waited till you got offwork?
Yeah, she did.
She asked you And, uh,unfortunately.
And that changed herconstitution?
Yep.
Because she asked me tovalidate.
She said, Voni Did, did themdoctors say that I wasn't going
to be able to walk?
And that was the mostheartbreaking thing.
(33:26):
Heartbreaking.
To have to say to her.
And I, I, I still, that's one ofmy regrets.
I wish I never told her.
Oh.
I feel like maybe she would havestayed a lot longer because I
saw how emotionally.
You never lied to her.
I didn't, I don't know how.
But yo, you felt like becauseyou went and told her up front
versus her asking or what do youmean?
I was just afraid that she wouldtry to do stuff.
(33:47):
I know, you know her.
That's what I'm saying.
And me telling her broke herspirit a little bit.
And I believe that verywholeheartedly that when you
really truly believe thatsomething You can try to
overcome it.
Yes.
It'll cause you to hold on alittle longer.
And that's a little bit selfishof me because mama was in a lot
of pain, but I did have a girllike maybe I shouldn't have told
(34:10):
her.
Okay.
And it wouldn't have broke herspirit like that.
Yeah.
I just wouldn't lie to her.
Now I'm not a good liar.
No, I wasn't.
When she asked me, I was like,yeah, mama.
That's what they said.
Yeah.
I couldn't lie.
I can't lie to my mama.
Yeah.
I didn't lie.
But she could tell women to cometell her, but I felt like I had
to tell her cause she was doinga lot.
Yeah, my mama just wanted thatwas that part of the independent
(34:33):
and her dignity because it gaveher the, because one of the, uh,
well, it just kind of surprisedme too, though, because I think
back on the last outing we wentwith her, so she does birthday
cards for every person I stilllook at that place every time I
go by.
Yeah, me too.
I can't go in the store.
Right.
I can't go in that store.
But, um, Um, all the time, but,uh, go, uh, we took her out to
(34:59):
Hallmark cards to go buy ourbirthday card.
She didn't buy mine.
She bought the August birthdaycard.
It was, she had a, she had, shehad a routine.
Yeah.
And it's, she kept saying it'stime for me to go do my August
birthday cards.
Now, this is after, was it afterhospitalization?
Yeah.
Or is it before?
After it was after that was thelast time she ever left.
(35:20):
She left the house.
So we got her there.
It was a tough trip, but we gother there.
I tried to get her to eatsomething.
She wouldn't eat.
She started not eating.
And then, because I was on herabout food, that was part of my
fix it thing.
Uh, I was trying to get her toeat, she didn't have no appetite
to eat.
And, or if it did, it kind ofmade her sick.
(35:41):
And because the last time shewas in the hospital, she did
have chemo.
And they had put a port in herand all that.
But, that, those activities,too, were part of her dignity.
That was her brand, so to say.
There were certain things thatMama did.
That was part of her brand.
All her kids know.
Her Christmas cards, herbirthday cards.
(36:03):
There were certain things thatshe did that you knew was mama.
That was mama.
When she figured out that shecouldn't move about it did shift
her.
It did shift her.
And so, I say all this to say isthat there's a, there's a
balancing act and it depends onthe person, but allowing them to
(36:23):
have their dignity while stillkeeping them safe is super
important and being able to, uh,Discuss it with them because we
did have good dialogues withmama and communication to me is,
is key through all this.
We talked a lot, even though we,I didn't feel like I talked to
(36:45):
her because I think I have fearof it.
My own self, I talked about withher.
the care part of it, not theemotion side of it.
I did.
I used to turn against her allthe time.
Yeah.
But she, most of the time when Itry to talk about stuff, she,
she, she deter it.
Uh, she didn't talk a whole lotabout it.
(37:07):
Um, she might say, well, I wasjust thinking about what I'm
going to do and, and how I'mgoing to live through this.
You know, she won't talk aboutthe feeling part of it.
Kind of like, where are yougoing?
Like, what am I going to doabout it?
Type thing.
So that's kind of the way.
I got it honest then.
Yeah.
She wouldn't, You know, causeI'd ask, you know, I've been,
(37:28):
y'all what are you thinking,mama?
You know, what you thinking?
I'm usually thinking aboutdoing, you want to know how I
feel right now.
Yes.
And so even like, we will saythat, um, when it came down to
it and she couldn't reallysustain herself and it wasn't
(37:54):
really much more they could do.
And, uh, when it came time forhospice and we had, uh, we had
been working up to it though.
We had, we had it.
And I, and because I do where Iworked in healthcare, And I
worked around physicians,nurses, et cetera, who, who have
(38:17):
worked in hospice and palliativeand some of those designations
that you will hear about peoplewith chronic conditions, et
cetera.
I had them a little bit to leanon, not as, you know, just about
what to ask for.
What do I make sure happens?
You know, they help guide methrough it.
And I thank God for them.
What are some of those thingsthat you have to think about?
(38:40):
Um, what, uh, basically whatshould you expect from these
agencies?
Right.
What services do they do?
If somebody tells you, you aregoing to, uh, What they call
palliative oncology services.
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
(39:00):
Uh, is that just, and what Ilearned was it just means that
it may not be curable always.
Some people are, some peoplearen't, but it's managing the
spread of it.
So if you go on chemo, you'rejust trying to.
Manage it to not be spreading.
Yes.
So you're just trying to dothat.
Yes So now she went onpalliative care before she went
(39:22):
on hospice.
Yes.
Yes, she did.
Yeah And that's why I would takeher to the other it wasn't the
same cancer center It was adifferent location and I loved
that team.
Yes They were very now they werevery direct And that's, but
going through those stages, itgave, it armed us, or they, I
(39:44):
can't, I say I might have beenthere present, but I was the one
who was taking the informationgiven to me by everybody, Niecee
you know, Jackie, differentpeople that I will come with my
list.
So that I could, because I hadto report back.
So we all had to be ready toreport back and make sure she
was the most flexible and Icould flex and go and do it.
(40:07):
And that, cause I knew, and Ihad, I knew what to ask.
And I had people around me to goask if I didn't understand.
Right.
So it was a good, I, I feelblessed that I was had that
opportunity to have thoseresources available to me.
Right.
Yes.
So yes, good stuff.
Because when you don't know whatto expect, like when, you know,
(40:29):
we're like, are they going tocome and give her a bath?
We want, we expecting a bathevery day.
We're the people at, you know,you gotta be able to understand
how they work.
If she can't get up and go tothe bathroom, do I have to ask
for a catheter?
Is that something theyautomatically do?
It's little steps like that thatyou should know.
Or do they provide a bed?
(40:49):
Do they provide a little, do youremember that?
Oh my God, Mama, she was like,she was sitting there like the
queen she was, she was notgetting in that hospital bed.
She just saw this bed theybrought.
Now, they did put her on oxygen.
Now, a lot of people would bethankful for that bed.
But Mama didn't need it.
Mama had an adjustable bed.
Yeah, she had an adjustable bed.
But I had told him bring hereverything she can have.
(41:10):
She looked at that bed.
She's like, I ain't moving outof my bed.
I don't know what you broughtthere.
You might as well tell them.
And she had her bed propped upwhen she told him.
When she told him, you might aswell take that cause I ain't
sleeping in that.
I caught Mama being bougie, likequit that girl.
That's all right.
But I, I told him to bringeverything.
I wanted everything that she hadaccess to.
So and then if she could saywhat she don't want and then
(41:33):
we'll get it up out of here.
That's what happened.
So.
Yeah, being able to know to knowto ask questions and to have
resource.
That's why I say being anadvocate as the, the, the
workers that do come into yourhome.
If you have somebody coming intoyour home, ask questions, ask
about the medications.
Yeah, that's what we did.
We were like, well, I want toknow everything because.
(41:55):
What we not gonna do is just beover here flying blind, you
know, and if you don't ask a lotof times They won't say
anything.
So being communicative.
Yeah, because we did hospice inthe home.
Yes, we didn't send her to afacility.
That was because she didn't wantto.
She made it very clear.
I didn't want to.
That she didn't want to go andyou didn't want to.
And I didn't either.
But when we got, it got reallyhard to move her and we didn't
(42:18):
know whether she needed acatheter or she, you know, we
didn't know what to do, get her,get her bathed and change.
And she was in really bad pain.
That's when the hospice nursecame and said, well, you guys
really should think aboutsending her to the hospital.
And all we had to do is look atmama.
And then we looked at her.
It was like, Nope.
That's not going to happen.
(42:38):
We ain't sending her nowhere.
So, uh, You're going to walk usthrough how we're going to do
this.
And we did it.
And that's what, that's whathappened.
So it was giving her her dignityat the same time so that she
could have, and she, at thistime, by the time we got to
hospice, we had all kind ofreserved, resigned ourselves
that, um, you know, it was, she,she's just, she's going to pass
(43:02):
all the moments and everythingthat we had with her, uh, just
manager her care.
You know, what does she need?
Making sure she had water,whatever she was able to partake
of and, you know, help hermanage through it.
And so that, that leads into oneof the last key points that I
wanted to make sure we talkedabout that you talked about
(43:23):
earlier is the The planning partof it.
Oh yeah.
We waited a little late.
We were late and we knew better.
And I better, I know better now.
I still need to get my affairsin order.
I got it written up.
I ain't done nothing.
I haven't done, I got it writtenup, but I need to get it in
(43:44):
order.
Never know.
It's documented.
It's documented.
But you're right.
So what we learned through thatprocess, and we, and again.
Having a network of good peoplearound you.
Yes.
It's so critical.
We had a, uh, uh, uh, attorneythat was a neighbor who helped
us.
Him and his paralegal wereawesome.
They came in the home.
(44:04):
They even came in our home andhelped write and draft it and
notarize and do all of thosethings.
for her, but we were like at the11th hour.
That's what I would tell you.
Uh, trying to get affairs andlegal affairs in order.
Uh, but we got it done.
I'm not gonna, you should, uh,like we had to think about bank
accounts and things like thattoo.
(44:26):
And how, how, She did thatpretty early.
She did her bank stuff earlierwhen she was still a little bit
more mobile.
She added me to the accounts andstuff like that because there
are certain things that youcan't do Yes, when somebody's
single with an account that iteither goes into probate or
different Yeah, i'm not tryingto advise anybody but go figure
out what's going on in your areaAnd how it has to work, but in
(44:49):
her particular account, that'swhat they told us would have to
be done, uh, in order for us tohave any, uh, access or
responsibility for her affairsfollowing we did the will, who
was going to be the, uh,executor, all of those things.
And she gave us insight to whatshe had, but she didn't have.
How much it was, why she's stillthere and able to talk.
(45:12):
Now what we did realize, I didrealize when I tried to get her
to talk about it, that was partof what she didn't want to talk
about.
Right.
And when we started doing thehealthcare proxy pieces, there
are some very specific questionsabout resuscitation.
What extents do you need to gothrough to extend life?
She didn't really want to extendabout it.
(45:33):
Yeah.
Now, by this time, she knows shecould walk.
She knew some of those things.
She hadn't quite, everythinghadn't gotten worse.
I guess she wasn't just layingdown in the bed.
She was sitting on the side ofher bed.
She was up watching TV, doingdifferent things.
But when I finally got her oneday, To go answer the questions.
I had to kind of put the nonemotional face on, ask her the
(45:57):
questions in a way that weren't,uh, over legalized.
Uh, if that makes sense.
Cause sometimes the wording onthe forms and things.
are not as clear.
And, and mom, mom was a veryintelligent person.
Heck yeah.
But they used legal ease a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, and just trying to re helppeople understand about
resuscitation or mm-hmm Whatextent people will go through.
(46:19):
And I'm not clinical, I'll sayagain, but I just, no advice.
We can't give, I can't give heradvice.
I'm just saying, what do youwant to have happen?
Yes.
And I just had to say yes, no,you do, you know, fill out those
forms.
And that was a part of all thatdocumentation.
And remember that.
Another thing I learned throughthat process is there's a
different power of attorney.
(46:40):
For your affairs and otherthings.
And then there's another one foryour healthcare.
A lot of people don't know, Oh,you got power, durable power of
attorney.
Yeah.
Over that.
But in some environments youhave to have a healthcare power
of attorney.
Exactly.
Yes.
So there's different documentsand things.
If you have property, go talk tosomebody about what you need in
(47:04):
your state, what, you know, and,and with your, uh, your system.
So that was one of our, mylessons.
Don't wait till the very lastminute and then, uh, be okay
having those uncomfortableconversations no matter when it
happens.
Even if it is the 11th hour,it's still good to have done it.
Yeah.
(47:24):
Because if something were tohappen to her or something
before we did, before we haddone all that, cause you got
emotion and you got other peopleinvolved.
We, yes, we, her children.
All of us are her children.
And yes, I'm the oldest, butit'd be without those things.
No one of us had any more rightto respond.
You know what I mean?
(47:44):
We're all her children.
So her declaring who's going todo help make the decisions,
who's, this is what I want.
And I don't want, those arecritical things to know about
any parent or any loved one thatyou might know.
I agree.
And so it was, And even aftershe passed away, we still have a
lot of legal things to dealwith, but that made that process
(48:08):
so easy.
That is highly encouraged.
So easy.
You just had to go file this atthe courthouse, go do the bank,
this paperwork, do this, turnthe keys over to the car, do all
that little stuff.
It was stuff to do, but it madeit so much easier.
It did.
Thank you.
So, I don't know.
(48:28):
Did you have anything else youwanted to?
Oh, I don't know.
This was very, uh, Therapeuticfor me a little bit.
Really?
Yeah.
I feel like talking about andsay that, you know, good.
It feels good to kind of say itand, and I really hope that this
helps somebody, me too, whohappens upon it and listens to
it.
Me too.
They can help'em in theirjourney.
(48:49):
If they have to face this at anytime in their life.
I, I hope that it will be a helpto them in some kind, shape,
form, or fashion.
Was say to Niecee though,there's a, there was a.
There's a lot of stuff that wedidn't get into the weeds about.
We skipped a lot of time frame.
But as we, uh, Niecee lived withmom 10 years.
(49:09):
I lived with mom about, uh, whatis it?
Six or seven years, right?
18 to, yeah, 20, 22.
So that was it.
Five years.
I lived with her again.
Um, but through all of that,there were other events that
were happening that we haven'ttalked about here.
(49:31):
Uh, but as Niecee kind of said,there were things and things
that later.
As you went back through herhealth care records, you found
and saw that were repeating andthat we didn't know, uh, when
she, I told you about thatnodule or thing, we didn't know
that she only has so many timesthat they can do this scan
before they stop doing it.
(49:51):
They'll still have you keepcoming to see the pulmonologist,
but you just go in there andsay, how are you doing today?
And they do their little, littlething and they read you and
listen to your lungs and youmove on.
And all I would do is say, mama,how'd you, how'd you pulmonology
report up?
visit a go, baby, honey.
I ain't got to go back for sixmonths.
You know, she's in the hospital.
Yeah.
(50:12):
And then, yeah.
And then right behind it.
But we just didn't know youdidn't go.
So that was a little things.
I just wanted to add is that wedidn't go into all the details,
but if you, if, if, if.
One day, maybe a topic will comeup where we'll get to give a
little bit more insight.
Agree in certain areas we we'reapplicable.
(50:32):
Agree.
I agree.
I say be aware, be as involvedas much as you can.
Agree.
Uh, self care, that's one thing.
Yes.
That I feel like we didn't talkabout a lot.
Fair, fair point.
Um, that through it all for thecaregiver.
Oh man.
It gave me a whole differentinsight on that.
Yes.
Because it.
It wears on you.
(50:53):
It's a challenging time for you.
And it's just as muchemotionally challenging and
physically challenging.
A lot of times it's the personthat's going through it.
And so being able to thankgoodness, it was two of us
where, I don't know how I wouldhave managed that if I was by
myself, uh, but having the, Thesupport to be able to, sometimes
(51:14):
I could step away and have amoment to myself to meditate, to
read, to just decompress, orjust to veg out on the show just
to try to be me for just amoment, even though I was still
carrying this with me, but justgo for a walk or go for a drive
or do something to have a momentto myself, because especially in
those last days, it got intense.
(51:36):
And it was, um, It becomes achallenge for you and you kind
of go through some emotionalstates and have states of
depression and, uh, differentthings like that.
And being willing to go and talkto somebody if you're not okay.
Like for me, Yes, I did too.
(51:58):
I did too, because I was superhighly emotional.
Uh, and it was, uh, I don'tknow.
We talked about it a lot, butyou know, I was there, uh, when
my father died and he died in myarms.
Uh, I was there when mama died.
I wasn't there when my step mom,mom, When Momz died, uh, but I
(52:19):
was there shortly thereafter,you know, so losing those people
that you love so much is, uh,taxing on you.
And mama was really, reallyclose.
Her dad, daddy, I, I didn'thandle that well at all.
And I made it, I didn't manageit emotionally effectively.
And I went down the rabbit holeof alcoholism after that.
(52:42):
And I was.
this time that I wasn't going tolose myself in this, which after
all these years, you've done sowell, I've done so well, but
that if that would have been atime, that could have been to
fall off the wagon, as they say,it would have been after I lost
my mama, you know, so I wouldhave saw somebody.
(53:05):
So being able to be an okay togo and see Seeing somebody and
taking care of yourself andseeking help where you need it.
You know, outside help, familyhelp, talking to my, thank
goodness we have a strong tribewhere I had you tell them we
leaned on each other.
We still lean on each other.
We still cry together.
Yeah.
(53:25):
You remember the time when we goin the dining room, mama's room
across the way from us.
We go in the dining room, likesitting over there having these
real serious conversations.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Real quiet.
What are we going to do?
Okay.
Uh, you going to do this?
I get that.
Sorry.
Yeah.
We talk a real low.
We talking low because we can'thear.
But it's that, that, thatsupport, that support.
(53:46):
And not everybody has it.
Right.
And reaching out to my childrenand grandchildren and they held
us up and held us down.
And remember, we should havetalked about that.
Remember when Jackie and herfriend got us an earlier
appointment.
For the palliative part.
Yes.
They wanted us to wait a month.
(54:07):
They they we had before we couldget her All over the place.
So we and then so when I tellyou we had a tribe.
Oh my god, we still got a tribeWe still got a tribe we still
trying to hold it for mamabecause mama was And daddy too.
I we we were just blessed withreally You kind of heard us
talking about, uh, in our last,uh, first episode about some of
(54:30):
our, uh, family dynamics and ourparents.
And as you could tell, theyended up divorcing and things,
but they gave us a really strongfoundation of love.
Number one was the core messageabout it.
You couldn't be fighting.
You couldn't be, you know, wefought, don't get me wrong, but
they emphasize, you know, youdon't fight with your family.
(54:50):
You don't do that.
But, uh, um, And a sense offamily and love that we can have
that.
And so as, as now we kind of theelders of the, of the tribe, we
carry, we try to carry that onand be that voice and with our
children and, and how we raisethe family.
It's not even I, what I learnedfrom all of this.
(55:13):
And at first I didn't take onthat.
I didn't take, now I take a lotof responsibility for a lot of
things, but until mama passed.
Did I ever feel like I had thatresponsibility?
I didn't because that was hersand she wore loud and proud and
it wasn't mine to take.
It wasn't mine to take.
Or mine or yours.
(55:33):
Right?
She didn't have, she, she, shecarried that.
She wasn't the queen.
Now, body more so than me, butI'm coming in a strong second.
I walk with you and I don'tknow, but I don't feel alone
with the blessing of theblessing.
But even if somebody doesn'thave that in their life, I say
still reach out.
There are free resources andthings like that out there and
(55:55):
try to get some support whereveryou can talk to somebody and try
to get information and support.
And then if you ever have theopportunity to.
Foster a family around you,whether they blood or not, then,
then that communication and thatsupport and that love of your
loved ones is super important.
(56:16):
So that's what I have to sayabout that.
You know like Forrest Gump overhere.
That's all I have to say aboutthat.
This has been really good.
Really, really therapeutic andhealing.
And I really do pray that thismakes sense to somebody.
(56:37):
Cause I know we're just talkingthis.
And so, uh, hopefully you allreceive some value from it.
I think this went really well,we'll likely break it up in a
series because it has gone onfor a while, but I'm glad I
wouldn't take it back.
We got to, we got to get itthrough and we didn't even dig
in everything.
Just like Voni said, so we askthat you, uh.
(57:01):
Hang in there with us.
Keep coming back.
We appreciate you stopping by.
Like I spoke about earlier, I dowant to create a sister girl
community, a sisterhood, a placewhere we all come to learn and
grow and evolve together.
Absolutely.
No, nobody is meant to walk thisjourney alone and even if it has
to be virtual, let's do it.
(57:22):
You know?
So keep tuning in.
Keep coming back.
We appreciate you spending timewith the sister girl sessions
today and we're going to goahead and close and you all have
a great rest of your time andwe'll see you on the next
session.
Peace.
Peace.
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