December 24, 2024 • 36 mins
In this episode of 'The Sister Girl Sessions,' hosts Niecee and Voni discuss their experiences and lessons learned while caring for their aging mother. The conversation covers their family dynamics, pooling resources, moving in together, and recognizing signs of aging.
They also touch on cultural differences in caregiving, their mother's independence, and how her health and emotions were affected by changes in her environment. The episode builds up to a pivotal moment when their mother's health takes a dramatic turn, leading to a cancer diagnosis.
The sisters reflect on the emotional impact and the importance of being actively involved in their parent's healthcare.
00:00 Welcome to The Sister Girl Sessions
00:29 Caring for Aging Parents: Our Story Begins
01:22 Moving In Together: A Family Decision
02:58 Adjusting to New Living Arrangements
04:30 Pooling Resources for a Better Life
07:39 Mom's Health and Wellbeing
14:22 COVID-19 Impact on Family Dynamics
18:08 Reflections and Lessons Learned
19:18 Regrets and Reflections
20:41 The Diagnosis Journey
22:16 Family Support and Involvement
24:58 Facing the Reality
28:04 A Devastating Revelation
31:35 Processing the News
36:24 Conclusion and Next Steps
Thank you for listening!
Catch us on YouTube @thesistergirlsessions
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
niecee---voni_1_12-15-2024_ (00:00):
All right Hello and welcome to The
(00:06):
Sister Girl Sessions.
My name is Niecee and I'm Voniand we have created this podcast
so that we can come on and shareour life experiences, lessons
learned, and just to share somelaughs, of course, and it's all
developed around a hopefully agood Gen X vibe.
(00:28):
You know what I mean?
So today we have a topic ofcaring for aging and Sick
parents, uh, in the gen Xgeneration, we have a lot of
baby boomers, uh, parents areliving longer.
And so we'd like to broach thattopic because there are a lot of
lessons that I've learned in theexperience in that and things
(00:51):
that we feel like we could sharewith, uh, others who may be
facing those same challenges.
So with that, I think I'll turnit over to Voni Why don't you
kind of discuss.
Our story just a little bit highlevel.
(01:12):
Where do we start?
Well, we, uh, as a family, uh,my mom, mama had her house.
Yes.
And so what I want to describeis how we came together and how
we kind of got to that point.
Mama lived in her house 20years.
What?
How long was mama?
And I was 20 plus 20 plus years.
(01:33):
My husband and I, been in ourhouse for 20 plus years.
So we talked about othercultures, Uh, who bring people
together, save money, buildwealth or save by, uh, you know,
bringing their resourcestogether, reducing costs all the
while we, I have to admit,Niecee you and I had
(01:54):
conversations about mama aging,getting older.
You had some concerns.
Yeah.
I figured you probably could usesome help too.
Yeah.
I wanted to know.
Myself.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Yes.
So I'm going to kind of step injust a little bit and explain
why I would have been there withmy mother.
Yeah.
You gotta give a little backhistory.
(02:16):
Yes.
Because of course I wasapartment dweller.
Yes.
Yes.
And I raised my children andgrandchildren and things like
that.
But once my daughter got to acertain age, uh, when she turned
18 and we weren't quite vibingright at that time, two women
living in the household, shedone became a woman.
I'm a woman I'm like look So Iwas thinking about, uh, uh,
(02:39):
separating and I started to, uh,explore, uh, uh, moving out on
my own, exploring other optionsand mama offered me to come and
roommate with her.
Yeah.
And so I was like, say less.
Let me order a U Haul rightquick.
I'll be there directly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had been.
I had been with mom about what,maybe almost 10 years before we
(03:04):
kind of came together.
We kind of broached this subjectof us getting together.
So I'll turn that back over toyou.
But you like, you guys livetogether.
So you went from her house.
She ended up late, uh, givingthe house to the family.
It kind of became a home forother members of the family, but
y'all moved to an apartmenttogether.
Yes.
And I recall that that was whenyou had kind of shared with me.
(03:26):
You were starting to see.
Mom changes in mama as she wasstarting to age.
And now she, our, our mother,she was a bright, vibrant woman,
very independent.
She was kind of an only child,but you know, there's a little
bit more history to that that wecan talk about later, but she
was raised as an only child.
So very much so she was used tobeing by her own drum.
(03:49):
She did her own thing.
Uh, we didn't, we could goinfluence it, but it's really
not much we could do about mama,but we had had the conversation
around, uh, bringing togetherfamilies and how could we You
know, we spent a lot of timetogether.
My mom and I, oh man, it was anevery weekend thing.
Niecee you come in there with ussometime, but me and mama had
(04:10):
been doing that for years.
It was, it was just how she waslike my best friend.
She was my best friend.
Yes.
And so we were hanging out.
What you doing this weekend?
Okay.
I got to go to what such andsuch store.
Okay.
Well, let's do that and dolunch.
We did all of that.
So we were spending a lot oftime together.
And so we decided, okay.
We going to pull our resources.
(04:32):
Well, I had made a career changeat a certain time at this
particular time where we weredeciding to, to give it a go.
That was a very, uh, Niecee youcaught, what do you call it?
You said we were shifting and wewere in a shift.
We were in a shift in our lives.
So I had decided to leave acompany that I had worked for
(04:53):
for like 19 years.
And then, uh, tried to go intobusiness for myself, but again,
that's another story.
But we decided we're going tomerge our households.
So I sold my house.
Mama had her house going to thefamily.
And we pooled our resources,gave up our apartment.
You gave up your apartment.
Had kind of gotten tired ofthose.
(05:14):
She, she, from the apartmentdwell from a homeowner to the
apartment dwelling, all wasgoing well, except for we had,
uh, A family move in above usthat had kids and a little boy
and the kids, Oh man, they ranand bumped and jumped.
Oh man, it used to drive mamacrazy.
So the apartment dweller thing,it was nice where we didn't have
(05:37):
to worry about maintenance.
You know, homeownership, itcomes with a lot.
You got to do a lot, but youknow, when we were dealing with
that, mom was like, I'm so overit.
So, you know, we were thinkingabout, uh, buying us a house and
Oh yeah, we did.
I forgot about that part.
Yes, we were considering goingto buy a house again.
Y'all own.
(05:57):
Y'all was just going to buy ahouse.
At first.
And then we kind of startedtalking about how the other
cultures pool their resourcestogether and are able to do more
in life because they take thatpath.
Yeah.
And so it just kind of evolvedinto that.
And I'm going to just say thisabout what I noticed about you
and mama.
It was like, The houses thaty'all wanted, you, you want, we
(06:19):
wanted more, we wanted a bigger,more house that was more modern,
et cetera.
So it was also an incentive forus to pool our research because
I need to, my home, even thoughI had my own house, I had lived
in it for so many years.
I had done all the upgrades anddifferent things.
I want to level up.
What's my favorite word?
(06:39):
You know, I didn't want to livein the old dilapidated house.
I wanted something nice.
So that was kind of also kindof, kind of the incentive for us
to pull our resources together.
But the thing was, uh, once wegot to this point, um, I was
kind of going through myprocess.
(07:00):
I was trying to, uh, and mamaand Niecee supported me through
it, uh, uh, kind of went outand, uh, doing the
entrepreneurial.
Attempt.
Uh, it was a great experience.
Wasn't for me.
I did realize that.
And again, that might be anothertopic for us to talk about.
I think it could be.
I've tried many.
Yeah, but we can talk aboutthat.
(07:21):
But this is another one.
So I want to create a community.
Yes.
All right.
This is true, right?
Okay.
With this effort, but, uh, we,uh, found out we found a home.
I'll kind of jump to the chase.
We found our home.
Uh, we had to certain conditionsbecause mom was aging and we had
(07:43):
to have her on a level where hermaster bedroom was level with
the kitchen.
You know, washer, dryer, all ofthose things.
Cause she had arthritis prettybad in her hips and different
things.
And so we had to make sure shecould function well.
So the day I started on my newjob, I had to go to orientation
to another state.
(08:05):
We moved into the house thatsame, uh, the, the weekend
before I started my new job, itwas very impactful.
Well, you go ahead and, uh, Tyour husband, that's her
husband's name.
T if you'll hear us referencehim.
Yeah.
You and T moved in.
First.
First, yeah.
Yes.
And we were, we hadn't moved in.
It was in phases.
(08:25):
Yes.
Yet, so we weren't moving in allat the same time.
We were probably a month or soin there, a month or two in the
house by that would say like twoto three weeks, like we were Oh,
weeks.
Okay.
Yeah.
It wasn't, it long.
It long.
We were coming over there.
Yeah.
But we weren't all, all togetheragain.
Yes.
Yeah.
But once we all come together,uh, it was different kind of
(08:48):
living again with my mom.
Right, so I'm in my 50s.
Uh, this was only what seveneight years ago This is we've
been together six years so farNo to 2018 2018.
Oh, okay.
Yeah since 2018.
So I and even then I was in myfifties, right?
(09:10):
Oh, it's about seven.
I had just turned 50.
Yes.
You had just turned 50.
You are so right.
I had just turned 50.
So it was different for mebecause like what I hadn't lived
with my mom since I was 18, 19.
Yeah.
So it's different.
So, uh, having that experience,uh, of living with mom and my
(09:32):
sister, and my husband with her,with my mom and my sister.
So that was a whole thing.
Everybody trying to get used toeach other, what each other's
quirks are, et cetera.
But through that process, uh, Idid get to see.
Mom's the differences in mombecause younger from her younger
years, but also my, what Iconsider somewhat limited
(09:55):
interactions with her.
So mine were phases, right?
I'd be shopping, shopping, gohang out.
And I had started to notice thatwhen we would go shopping
sometimes, or we would go out.
Sometimes she couldn't go toolong because her leg was
bothering her or her hip wasstarting to, she'd get winded or
(10:15):
something.
So she said, I'm going to stayin the car this time or, you
know, for certain stores.
So that was part of meunderstanding, you know, some of
the feedback you had shared withme about her.
Cause you were dealing with,living with her day to day.
Yes.
But the good things that I lovedabout being back with mom was
(10:36):
that she was, uh, and I'm, I'm anurturer.
She's a nurturer.
She loved doing things.
She would listen for differentthings that people liked or
didn't like.
And she always paid attention tothose things.
So you always kind of had yourfavorite something, uh, that you
would want to have.
So she made sure she did it.
And she was our householdmanager when we were in that
(10:56):
period.
Right.
Yes, she was our manager.
So she did the bills.
She, she kept up with groceriesor organization of the house and
food and if the, uh, repairmen,different people had to come in.
She was the point person.
She made sure all that got donebecause we were all working now.
Yeah.
You working, I'm working.
(11:16):
Right.
And then I will still say that,uh, while she was, While she was
the house manager and thingslike that, like, even though she
had started to shift or you sawsome of the changes I had been
sharing with you, she was veryself sufficient.
I mean, she lived her own life.
I mean, living her best life.
She go out and do her own thing.
(11:37):
She still had her girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Now she was single.
Aerobics and stuff.
Yeah, she was single.
Uh, she had been for, uh, shenever really had a totally
serious relationship after, uh,her and my father divorced.
Yes.
She didn't, um, she haddifferent relationships, but she
didn't have any longer term, uh,committed relationships.
(11:59):
And, but she found her own lifeafter divorce and I admired in
it.
And I thought, wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
That gives some people you seedon't bounce back.
Right.
But she had a really goodnetwork of people around her.
She, you know, developed friendsfrom her work environment.
Et cetera.
And even with, she made family abig focus and keeping us all
(12:21):
connected.
Right.
So, but she will go out.
She did aerobics.
Yeah.
Oh,
and those socializing neighborhood
stuff.
Oh my gosh, if you think abouther neighborhood stuff, when she
was even in the house.
Yeah.
And, and so much so that whenshe moved, we moved together,
she was missing that.
And so she had to come to thenew neighborhood and go get in
that one.
(12:42):
Yes.
So she could not, she could notnot be active in her, in her
mind, thought process, becauseshe didn't like to be bored at
all.
And when you say that, I thinkabout, you know, different
factors that impact somebody's.
Uh, well being and sense ofpurpose, us moving from her home
that she had before her and Imoved to the apartment when she
(13:06):
had her, you know, 20 plus yearhome.
When we moved her out of thatneighborhood, that caused a big
shift in her, in her, uh, senseof wellbeing and purpose and
things like that.
Because like, uh, by mention isthat when we were.
we were in the apartment and Iused to talk to you about
(13:26):
different things that I noticedabout it was, she had to find
her, her new way of being.
And sometimes that would causeher to, uh, go into states of
depression and that I wouldnotice, but she denied and keep
pushing on.
We were together.
Yes.
When she didn't know what wasgoing on or it wasn't active
(13:50):
enough.
Yes.
Yes.
And so I think she longed forher old life is sometimes I,
even though she's no longer withus, I don't want to put no words
in her mouth, but it's like, Ithink somewhere, sometimes she
had some regrets about leaving.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
where she had built, but yeah,she definitely went through, uh,
(14:13):
an emotional state because ofthat.
And I, deep in my heart, I feellike some of those things
impacted her health and wellbeing.
I do agree.
So think back on when COVID hit.
Right.
So we moved together in 2018.
So y'all think about COVID hit2020.
Right.
Yes.
So we, a couple of years in,thank God we all made it through
(14:34):
COVID together because we werespending a lot of time together
day, night, you know, nobodybeing able to go out during
those periods.
But during that period, she was,uh, volunteering at a food
pantry.
Yes.
Remember?
Yes.
She got to go do so she's goingto her aerobic she Uh, you know,
(14:56):
it was if maybe it was multipletimes a week then she had to cut
it back to once a week Uh, butthat again was part of her
little extended family andfriends Uh, that was a part of
her life and we hear storiesabout the people and we got to
know everybody Uh through whatshe would come home.
That was her work She come hometell us about her work and what
(15:16):
she was doing But that's where Ifelt in covid when we were there
with covid it was also impactfulBecause one of the things that
uh, I could share She uh was asmoker for many years Um So with
that, at least on an annualbasis, probably the last 10
years of her life, at least oncea year, we would have an
(15:40):
exacerbation of something.
With her breathing related.
Mm-hmm.
That would cause us to have togo to the er.
Yes.
And go.
And then she hated it.
'cause she didn't ever wanna go.
Uh, she got, they kept herinpatient.
They always kept her, even if itwas for a day Yes or two, she
run more tests.
She did not like it to run moretests on her.
One of the times, uh, that shewas in there, they did find like
(16:04):
a little thing on one of herlungs.
A nodule.
Yeah.
A nodule there.
And, but.
So we always knew monitoring.
She was all avid about going tothe doctor, always all of the
different specialists that shehad, et cetera.
So she really tried to take careof herself very well.
So she was, and she would pushus, did you go to the doctor?
You go to the doctor, all that.
(16:24):
And I will preface that, wouldsay, like when, uh, to speak to
that she was the type of personthat.
Went to the doctor diligent,went to the dentist, went to the
eye doctor, went to all of herappointments and did what she
could as, as closely as shecould to, uh, implement the
changes or suggestions thedoctor gave her.
(16:47):
If they prescribed hersomething, she would take it.
She did everything that wasasked of her.
She tried, not everything.
She, she liked her sweets.
She liked her sweets.
So, you know, so that's yourmama.
That was her weakness.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But she, and I, y'all, I don'tknow about that.
I know too.
Is it hereditary?
It is hereditary.
(17:09):
I don't know, but if, you know.
Habit.
It is.
It is.
It's a learned habit.
But I do recognize that when wewere in COVID, she, I saw it.
I saw that dip in herdepression.
She was anxious.
It was like, I want to dosomething.
I can't stay.
And she would tell me, I can'tstay up in here like this.
I want to get out and dosomething.
So it was very, very important.
(17:31):
And she used to get like thatduring the winter too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She'd get the winter blues.
But she couldn't, she didn'tdrive.
She did not.
If it snowed, she didn't, shedidn't drive.
Okay.
And she didn't really want us todriving She didn't want you to
go anywhere.
She was like, where you going?
She called you up and was like,where you going?
You going to work today, VoniYes, mama, I'm going to work.
You sure?
You shouldn't be out there.
You know, we'd have this wholedialogue, because she worried
(17:53):
about us as children, but shestill understood we, she and
wanted to, that sense ofindependence.
What were you about to say?
I was gonna, I was justwondering.
So, Based on what we've justdiscussed, what would you say?
Not like, of course we can'tgive anybody any advice or
anything, but what would you sayare some of the key things that
(18:15):
you would monitor if you wereliving with the aging parent?
Or even if you weren't livingwith them, that you were caring
for them and, and, um, it'slike, uh, tuning in to their
wellbeing if they were gettingolder.
I, I, uh, as I reflect on that,I wish I had.
Asked mama to go to the doctorwith her more.
(18:39):
I did not go.
We did not engage to that levelof detail.
I did sometimes she didn't liketo let me in the room sometimes
because I tell on her.
I was like, well, this happeneddoctor.
Last week, you know, she almostfell or she couldn't get her
balance.
Whatever it was, right.
Yes.
That, that was mine.
(19:01):
I would want to, I would havewanted to be more interactive.
And, and I think because of ourrelationship and friendship, I,
you know, uh, I feel like Icould have gotten her to do it,
but I never asked.
So that was a regret I have.
I have a regret that I didn'tget involved in it more often
(19:22):
because as she, uh, as, as sheaged and then maybe in the last
couple of years of her life,right.
Yeah.
And especially when she gotdiagnosed, Um, then I was very
active or I was, you know, I'dwrite down the questions and
she, yeah, I am jumping ahead,but she would allow me.
(19:44):
So I felt like if I would haveasked, she might've offered.
And this is interesting.
I was today years old when Ifound that out that that was one
of your regrets and we reallyclose.
I heard you say that before.
Yeah.
Is that, I wish I had asked her.
Yeah.
Cause you know, you got to askmama.
It ain't like you just go.
And that's one thing.
Don't just assume anything.
(20:06):
You never know to me whatanybody is going through
internally.
Yeah.
And I, cause what I learned fromit though too, is some of the
things, and I will talk aboutthat as we get closer because
Niecee you remind me, thank youfor not jumping the gun too
much.
There were things not done.
That has somebody asked couldhave been done.
(20:28):
Yes.
All right.
Yeah.
So, so with that, um, what, whatare we talking about here?
So we are, um, let's move aheadbecause what we're speaking of
is that.
You know, like we said, mom,she, she went to the doctor
religiously and this particulartimeframe, she went to her
(20:50):
mammogram and we jumping ahead.
We jumping on here.
We did 20, 21, 20, 20.
2022, 2022, 2022, 2022.
So we done been two years postCOVID.
We done hold COVID.
Yes, we done done all that.
Yes, and so she had went to hermammogram and she came back
(21:12):
home.
And said that they think theysaw something on her mammogram.
Very small.
We're not going to worry.
Yeah.
I gotta go back.
She had to go back for anothertest.
Oh, that's right.
Deeper, like a, a ultrasound andyou know, scans and stuff.
Okay.
And then, um, they, they were alittle bit, uh, curious about
(21:36):
it.
So they wanted her to have thebiopsy.
Yes.
As you said, so there she hadthe biopsy.
And it ended up coming back thatthey found cancer.
And so when they found thecancer, It was just a small, no,
they weren't too worried about,well, this is what they told us
she went.
(21:56):
So of course she went to anoncologist.
They referred her.
They referred her to anoncologist.
And, uh, what's the peoplecalled that do the radiation
type thing?
Uh, they are, uh, theyradiologists, radiologists.
They are the radiologists.
She was primarily seeing them,that was her form of treatment.
Yes.
And so the oncologist, when wefound out and I'll never forget,
(22:20):
I had to work and you went tothe appointment with her when we
went for the consultation on theplan of treatment.
How were we doing about this?
Okay.
You know, the whole family'slike, Oh Lord, you know, and so
Niecee and I, yeah, let's, let'sdig in a little bit.
Yeah.
You go ahead together.
Yes.
Right.
(22:41):
So we were close to mom knowingwhat was actually happening in
real time.
Now we have other siblings andher grandchildren who are very
close and wanting to know andstay up to date too on it.
So, uh, it was, we have us, Icall it, we have a certain part
of our tribe, uh, that Usuallyare don't avoid health, health
(23:04):
related things.
We have some that they figureeither, I don't know what the
answer is.
Either they figure we got it orthey, they are not comfortable
doing that.
I don't know exactly what it is.
We don't know.
We don't get in it, but.
When what I've observed,whenever any of us have
different health things related,there's certain ones that show
(23:25):
up, and you know, and that'susually you, me, my daughter,
and those are, that's, and mama,and mama was one, it's about,
it's four of them, it's four orfive of them, they usually come,
no matter who it was, right, butthat was who went to that
doctor's appointment, so I wasthere with her, Were you and
(23:47):
Jackie on the phone?
Yes.
Okay.
So we were all dialed in on thephone.
So I had my cell phone there.
They there come with a wholelist of questions.
Yes.
They're speaking to her and theylike, well, it was just a small
breast cancer.
They should be able to take careof radiation.
But like I was saying thatduring that call, I remember
(24:08):
asking the doctor, well, don'tyou think we should do a bigger
scan, more tests so we can know.
That this is it.
Yeah.
Uh, is this all we have to dealwith before we get started on
treatment?
And she was like, oh, yeah.
Oh yeah.
This is just a little smallnodule.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, this a small nodule.
What did say to call it one C?
(24:29):
What did, what was it, what didshe tell us?
Was it a one?
I'll tell you something.
I, I'm not good.
Remember, remembering theterminologies, but I know it was
supposed to be small and thatall they needed, she could
radiations and that should takecare of it.
She shouldn't even have to doany chemo at all.
(24:50):
And so we're like, Oh, okay.
All right.
In the process.
So mama went through anothershift.
So as you could tell, our, our,our, Thoughts about in our
experience related to caring foran aging and sick parent is our
mom.
So mama, she went, uh, she hadanother shift then and she kind
(25:13):
of became quiet.
Yes.
And she was dealing with, Ithink her own mortality and
getting a diagnosis.
I don't know anybody whowouldn't get something like
that.
No matter how small.
Even if she thought it wascurable, she still dealt with
the diagnosis.
Yeah.
One of our friends that sheworked with at the volunteer
(25:33):
had, uh, had.
Dealt with some cancer and shehad made it through it.
And my mama was close to herthrough the whole journey.
Yeah.
Uh, our step mom had wentthrough a long journey with
cancer.
With breast cancer andeverything.
So we, we had recently just beendealing with that and my, our
(25:56):
step mom had passed away from itnot too long before that.
And that was like in, uh, 2019.
Mm-hmm Right before, beforeCovid.
Right before that, thathappened.
Mm-hmm And I was heavilyinvolved in her care.
Mm-hmm You know, mama heard alot about it.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and because she helpedsupport me and my emotional
(26:19):
state in dealing with that.
And so she dealt with a lotduring that.
But when you would talk to her,try to engage her about it, she
wouldn't really go into it.
She wouldn't, to and I, I'd belike, man, so you back up.
You wanna give people, theyspace.
Yeah.
Respect.
But I do.
So always just kind of, youknow, it got to where I just be
sitting there just to be thereas a emotional support because
(26:43):
she didn't want to talk aboutit.
That's one thing.
I'm going to tell you thisthough.
So, okay.
She's like, I'm going to keepliving.
Right.
She was.
And I love that.
And that was the part.
But when she got the diagnosisand once the biopsy came back,
yes.
Me and my husband were in, wewere out of the country.
Oh yeah.
They were on a trip.
We were on a trip.
Honey, I was ready to come home.
(27:05):
I had looked up the flights andeverything.
And so I got the news over thephone and I was like, uh,
hearing about it, it kind ofgave you a joke to, you know, to
hear that about your mom.
Uh, and so, uh, she was like, donot like, you better not come
back.
(27:25):
You do not, not, she would'vebeen so upset with you.
Would been so upset with me, butI didn't do it because, you
know, probably mama said youhave much fun.
No more.
I, no, but it, it put me too ina mental state.
Yes.
You know, because it's fear.
Yes, it is.
Fear the unknown.
Unknown.
Yes.
That you don't know.
Okay.
Ooh, okay.
So.
Mama got a good attitude aboutit.
I'm going to have one too,because I believe that, you
(27:46):
know, what you try to focus onand not think, doom, bloom,
it'll, it'll, energy is put out,you got to create it and, and
keep that positive.
So she had it, I'm going to haveit too.
Yeah.
That was my attitude.
Yes.
And so things were going reallywell.
And she went to her appointmentsfor our oncologist She went to
(28:10):
the radiation, but as we weregoing through this whole
experience, She started with, itstarts, she started having
pains, pains.
It's like, uh, couldn't reallyget up her legs and her back
were hurting.
Now I will say that she's, shehad always been having these
pains in her legs for years.
Her hip, she's always, but youknow, this back pain was really,
(28:39):
really, really huge.
And so she was not a smallwoman.
Yeah, it's the other part.
She was a plus size woman.
So some of it could have beenweight related.
That's what I had attributed alot of it to her size, even her
arthritis pains, and she didtoo.
Yeah.
Uh, but it was just like, Ithought that some of the back
was related to that, but goahead.
(29:00):
I agree.
I agree.
Yeah.
We, we were kind of, I mean, wewere just like, man, that's.
Mama, what you done done?
Did you twist his back?
Did you?
Yeah, you've been in here tryingto pick stuff up.
You've been trying to dosomething.
we don't know nothing about mamaYou feisty.
She tried to do stuff and thenstuff around the house stuff.
You're like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
And so, you know, it's a joyfulexperience.
(29:22):
It was funny.
It was like, yeah.
Oh man, I wasn't training forthe world, but you know, you go
through stuff with your parents.
You're like, Mom.
Fussing.
And she's like, who's theparents?
Exactly.
You know, so.
You don't tell me what to do.
Right.
And so I digress.
But she was having these backpains.
And so we were like, man, it gotso bad.
(29:43):
She wasn't really getting up.
You know, she was like, wasn'tmoving about through her days.
Like we, we normally saw her.
So it was like, okay, mom, weabout to have to take you to the
doctor.
And by this time, because afterCOVID, you know, during COVID,
uh, both Voni and I were blessedto be able to come home to work.
We weren't in the workforce thatactually, uh, came out of work.
(30:06):
We were able to continue workingthrough it all.
And from that point on, we hadbeen, um, work from home people.
And so we were working from homeand we both were like, okay, we
gonna have to go take mama tothe hospital, you know, to go
see what, cause she was real badthis particular day.
She was hurting real bad.
It was, it was her back andside, if I remember right.
(30:29):
And anytime she would take adeep breath or something, it
was, and I thought it was stillrespiratory, just a normal, uh,
that time of year, but it wassummer though, so it's not
normal for her.
And then, oh, remember too, theyhad given her antibiotics and
steroids thinking she was havinga respiratory problem.
Yes, yes, just before that.
They thought she was doing allthat.
(30:49):
And it didn't work and wecouldn't get it working.
So then they changed it.
They did a different antibody.
So then it's just, wasn'tgetting better.
Okay.
Yeah.
And so we took her, we both tookoff work and we were like, we're
going to the ER.
We went to the ER.
We go with mama.
It was morning.
We decided that we're going toget it over.
I took my laptop.
Yeah, I took my laptop.
(31:09):
I'm sitting there.
We both had a lap.
We both had a workbook.
We both had these formalities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I go in there, get mama healedup, let's get home.
So.
They took mom and they went todo the x ray and they, uh, they
came back and we were just kindof sitting there like waiting,
you know, mom was just like,what y'all working on?
(31:32):
And we're like, well, we'reworking along.
So the doctor comes in and says,the, uh, the test results are
back and I don't know if I caneven tell it because it's almost
like a blur to me can, because Iwas like, I can, it was an out
of body experience about it.
I don't even know.
I can, I remember it like it wasjust day and I could visually
(31:53):
see, let me say this, is that I,I formed some kind of
disconnect, even still to thisday now, and I'm just now
thinking about it from the wholeexperience.
It was that traumatic.
It was traumatic for you.
I know it was, I know.
Speak on it.
Speak on it.
'cause it was.
This is the thing about us assisters.
Niec.
Uh, Niecce.
(32:14):
I am.
I, I'll put it this way.
I am calmer in a, in a, whensomething's going on urgently,
Niecee can get a little, what,what's going on?
She kind of, she gets a littlebit more emotional.
I can usually kind of stay leveland say, what would you say?
I can function.
You can function, but you haveto have your moment for the
(32:35):
action.
Yes.
I noticed that about you.
I can shut it down.
You don't shut it down.
I suppress it.
You don't, you be like, Oh, andI got to do this.
Well, to go back to what he did,he came in, if you've ever been
in a hospital where they had himsliding doors, he came in, I'm
giving you a visual, best I can,he reached in, came in through
the door, never really came allthe way in, if you visualize
(32:57):
what you probably saw, he neverreally came in through the door,
he wasn't all the way in theroom, he wasn't, he didn't come
in and step in, he was kind ofsitting in that cross thing
between the door, between hislegs almost, Yes! And he's
looking, he's coming in and he'slooking up.
Mom got the tv on.
We got the tv on up there.
And he said the test came backand it looked, the cancer has
(33:19):
spread to your lungs, your uh,your liver and some of your
bones.
Something to that effect.
He said it all.
He said all them organs.
Your neck, your neck, yourthyroid, your chest, your soft
tissue, your femur, your hip, Imean, uh, and then Niecee says,
(33:40):
Excuse me, what did you justsay?
And he rattled it off again.
All those words.
It not, not compassionately,nothing so broad.
Matter of fact, I don't justmatter of fact what I expected.
I And me.
And me, and this is the part I,you know, work with other
healthcare professionals too.
I think it's difficult for them.
(34:00):
I think so too.
I think it's difficult for, Iknow it's probably really hard
for him.
Yeah.
To even have to come give afamily to change our life
because it was so relaxed.
We had no, we like girl, girl,girl.
I know.
Don't cry, don't cry.
We good?
We good?
Yeah.
See?
suppression emotion.
Real talk.
Real talk.
(34:20):
Real talk.
But, we, uh, we do this,Verniece Niecee reacts, me and
Momma's kind of stunned, so amI.
I'm just sitting here, and Iknow, I can feel it, like, I'm
here in the moment.
I'm just sitting there with mylaptop, and I was like.
What the, you know, and I, I,when I get emotional or in those
moments, I drop a curse word.
(34:41):
I do.
I get a little mad.
I was like, did he just say, andthen, but I immediately I shift
to mama and I'm looking at her.
And that's where, to your pointearlier about her emotion and
where she goes quiet and you cansee, you see it, you see that
there's something going on thatshe's saying to herself.
(35:02):
Now, now I'm about to getemotional.
But you could see that thissaying you Yeah, I know.
I'm saying you something thatyou could see in her eyes.
Yes.
You got up left.
I couldn't even shake that.
I, I knew and just from growingup with moms, you know, when
those kind of moments she'd belike, hold it together.
You know?
So I knew, I guess a part of meknew I couldn't fall the pieces.
(35:22):
Yeah.
You, you had keep it together.
I had keep together.
Gotta keep a, whatever you say,keep, keep it cute don't be
getting right.
I was falling apart, so I had togo to the bathroom.
If.
All apart real quick and thenpull myself together.
Come back.
Like, okay, hold my chest out.
Okay, mama.
Okay.
Yeah, but it was, it was a sadmoment.
(35:45):
It was very sad.
It was devastating.
And then, uh, from there we hadto tell our siblings and other
family members.
And so me and Niecee we leftmama for a little while to go do
that.
And then I, you know, we talkedto all of our siblings and
everybody, uh, about it and justto kind of let them know that it
(36:08):
had come back.
But she had said when she, youknow, we knew we had to go back
and go talk to the oncologistand all of that.
Now that meeting.
Was where Voni got a littleirritated, but I digress.
We are going to pause here.
So, tune in next week for parttwo of caring for aging parents.
niecee---voni_1_12-15-2024 (36:30):
Keep coming back.
We appreciate you spending timewith The Sister Girl Sessions
today and we're going to goahead and close and you all have
a great rest of your time andwe'll see you on the next
session.
Peace.
Peace.
All right Hello and welcome to The
(00:06):
Sister Girl Sessions.
My name is Niecee and I'm Voniand we have created this podcast
so that we can come on and shareour life experiences, lessons
learned, and just to share somelaughs, of course, and it's all
developed around a hopefully agood Gen X vibe.
(00:28):
You know what I mean?
So today we have a topic ofcaring for aging and Sick
parents, uh, in the gen Xgeneration, we have a lot of
baby boomers, uh, parents areliving longer.
And so we'd like to broach thattopic because there are a lot of
lessons that I've learned in theexperience in that and things
(00:51):
that we feel like we could sharewith, uh, others who may be
facing those same challenges.
So with that, I think I'll turnit over to Voni Why don't you
kind of discuss.
Our story just a little bit highlevel.
(01:12):
Where do we start?
Well, we, uh, as a family, uh,my mom, mama had her house.
Yes.
And so what I want to describeis how we came together and how
we kind of got to that point.
Mama lived in her house 20years.
What?
How long was mama?
And I was 20 plus 20 plus years.
(01:33):
My husband and I, been in ourhouse for 20 plus years.
So we talked about othercultures, Uh, who bring people
together, save money, buildwealth or save by, uh, you know,
bringing their resourcestogether, reducing costs all the
while we, I have to admit,Niecee you and I had
(01:54):
conversations about mama aging,getting older.
You had some concerns.
Yeah.
I figured you probably could usesome help too.
Yeah.
I wanted to know.
Myself.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Yes.
So I'm going to kind of step injust a little bit and explain
why I would have been there withmy mother.
Yeah.
You gotta give a little backhistory.
(02:16):
Yes.
Because of course I wasapartment dweller.
Yes.
Yes.
And I raised my children andgrandchildren and things like
that.
But once my daughter got to acertain age, uh, when she turned
18 and we weren't quite vibingright at that time, two women
living in the household, shedone became a woman.
I'm a woman I'm like look So Iwas thinking about, uh, uh,
(02:39):
separating and I started to, uh,explore, uh, uh, moving out on
my own, exploring other optionsand mama offered me to come and
roommate with her.
Yeah.
And so I was like, say less.
Let me order a U Haul rightquick.
I'll be there directly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had been.
I had been with mom about what,maybe almost 10 years before we
(03:04):
kind of came together.
We kind of broached this subjectof us getting together.
So I'll turn that back over toyou.
But you like, you guys livetogether.
So you went from her house.
She ended up late, uh, givingthe house to the family.
It kind of became a home forother members of the family, but
y'all moved to an apartmenttogether.
Yes.
And I recall that that was whenyou had kind of shared with me.
(03:26):
You were starting to see.
Mom changes in mama as she wasstarting to age.
And now she, our, our mother,she was a bright, vibrant woman,
very independent.
She was kind of an only child,but you know, there's a little
bit more history to that that wecan talk about later, but she
was raised as an only child.
So very much so she was used tobeing by her own drum.
(03:49):
She did her own thing.
Uh, we didn't, we could goinfluence it, but it's really
not much we could do about mama,but we had had the conversation
around, uh, bringing togetherfamilies and how could we You
know, we spent a lot of timetogether.
My mom and I, oh man, it was anevery weekend thing.
Niecee you come in there with ussometime, but me and mama had
(04:10):
been doing that for years.
It was, it was just how she waslike my best friend.
She was my best friend.
Yes.
And so we were hanging out.
What you doing this weekend?
Okay.
I got to go to what such andsuch store.
Okay.
Well, let's do that and dolunch.
We did all of that.
So we were spending a lot oftime together.
And so we decided, okay.
We going to pull our resources.
(04:32):
Well, I had made a career changeat a certain time at this
particular time where we weredeciding to, to give it a go.
That was a very, uh, Niecee youcaught, what do you call it?
You said we were shifting and wewere in a shift.
We were in a shift in our lives.
So I had decided to leave acompany that I had worked for
(04:53):
for like 19 years.
And then, uh, tried to go intobusiness for myself, but again,
that's another story.
But we decided we're going tomerge our households.
So I sold my house.
Mama had her house going to thefamily.
And we pooled our resources,gave up our apartment.
You gave up your apartment.
Had kind of gotten tired ofthose.
(05:14):
She, she, from the apartmentdwell from a homeowner to the
apartment dwelling, all wasgoing well, except for we had,
uh, A family move in above usthat had kids and a little boy
and the kids, Oh man, they ranand bumped and jumped.
Oh man, it used to drive mamacrazy.
So the apartment dweller thing,it was nice where we didn't have
(05:37):
to worry about maintenance.
You know, homeownership, itcomes with a lot.
You got to do a lot, but youknow, when we were dealing with
that, mom was like, I'm so overit.
So, you know, we were thinkingabout, uh, buying us a house and
Oh yeah, we did.
I forgot about that part.
Yes, we were considering goingto buy a house again.
Y'all own.
(05:57):
Y'all was just going to buy ahouse.
At first.
And then we kind of startedtalking about how the other
cultures pool their resourcestogether and are able to do more
in life because they take thatpath.
Yeah.
And so it just kind of evolvedinto that.
And I'm going to just say thisabout what I noticed about you
and mama.
It was like, The houses thaty'all wanted, you, you want, we
(06:19):
wanted more, we wanted a bigger,more house that was more modern,
et cetera.
So it was also an incentive forus to pool our research because
I need to, my home, even thoughI had my own house, I had lived
in it for so many years.
I had done all the upgrades anddifferent things.
I want to level up.
What's my favorite word?
(06:39):
You know, I didn't want to livein the old dilapidated house.
I wanted something nice.
So that was kind of also kindof, kind of the incentive for us
to pull our resources together.
But the thing was, uh, once wegot to this point, um, I was
kind of going through myprocess.
(07:00):
I was trying to, uh, and mamaand Niecee supported me through
it, uh, uh, kind of went outand, uh, doing the
entrepreneurial.
Attempt.
Uh, it was a great experience.
Wasn't for me.
I did realize that.
And again, that might be anothertopic for us to talk about.
I think it could be.
I've tried many.
Yeah, but we can talk aboutthat.
(07:21):
But this is another one.
So I want to create a community.
Yes.
All right.
This is true, right?
Okay.
With this effort, but, uh, we,uh, found out we found a home.
I'll kind of jump to the chase.
We found our home.
Uh, we had to certain conditionsbecause mom was aging and we had
(07:43):
to have her on a level where hermaster bedroom was level with
the kitchen.
You know, washer, dryer, all ofthose things.
Cause she had arthritis prettybad in her hips and different
things.
And so we had to make sure shecould function well.
So the day I started on my newjob, I had to go to orientation
to another state.
(08:05):
We moved into the house thatsame, uh, the, the weekend
before I started my new job, itwas very impactful.
Well, you go ahead and, uh, Tyour husband, that's her
husband's name.
T if you'll hear us referencehim.
Yeah.
You and T moved in.
First.
First, yeah.
Yes.
And we were, we hadn't moved in.
It was in phases.
(08:25):
Yes.
Yet, so we weren't moving in allat the same time.
We were probably a month or soin there, a month or two in the
house by that would say like twoto three weeks, like we were Oh,
weeks.
Okay.
Yeah.
It wasn't, it long.
It long.
We were coming over there.
Yeah.
But we weren't all, all togetheragain.
Yes.
Yeah.
But once we all come together,uh, it was different kind of
(08:48):
living again with my mom.
Right, so I'm in my 50s.
Uh, this was only what seveneight years ago This is we've
been together six years so farNo to 2018 2018.
Oh, okay.
Yeah since 2018.
So I and even then I was in myfifties, right?
(09:10):
Oh, it's about seven.
I had just turned 50.
Yes.
You had just turned 50.
You are so right.
I had just turned 50.
So it was different for mebecause like what I hadn't lived
with my mom since I was 18, 19.
Yeah.
So it's different.
So, uh, having that experience,uh, of living with mom and my
(09:32):
sister, and my husband with her,with my mom and my sister.
So that was a whole thing.
Everybody trying to get used toeach other, what each other's
quirks are, et cetera.
But through that process, uh, Idid get to see.
Mom's the differences in mombecause younger from her younger
years, but also my, what Iconsider somewhat limited
(09:55):
interactions with her.
So mine were phases, right?
I'd be shopping, shopping, gohang out.
And I had started to notice thatwhen we would go shopping
sometimes, or we would go out.
Sometimes she couldn't go toolong because her leg was
bothering her or her hip wasstarting to, she'd get winded or
(10:15):
something.
So she said, I'm going to stayin the car this time or, you
know, for certain stores.
So that was part of meunderstanding, you know, some of
the feedback you had shared withme about her.
Cause you were dealing with,living with her day to day.
Yes.
But the good things that I lovedabout being back with mom was
(10:36):
that she was, uh, and I'm, I'm anurturer.
She's a nurturer.
She loved doing things.
She would listen for differentthings that people liked or
didn't like.
And she always paid attention tothose things.
So you always kind of had yourfavorite something, uh, that you
would want to have.
So she made sure she did it.
And she was our householdmanager when we were in that
(10:56):
period.
Right.
Yes, she was our manager.
So she did the bills.
She, she kept up with groceriesor organization of the house and
food and if the, uh, repairmen,different people had to come in.
She was the point person.
She made sure all that got donebecause we were all working now.
Yeah.
You working, I'm working.
(11:16):
Right.
And then I will still say that,uh, while she was, While she was
the house manager and thingslike that, like, even though she
had started to shift or you sawsome of the changes I had been
sharing with you, she was veryself sufficient.
I mean, she lived her own life.
I mean, living her best life.
She go out and do her own thing.
(11:37):
She still had her girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Now she was single.
Aerobics and stuff.
Yeah, she was single.
Uh, she had been for, uh, shenever really had a totally
serious relationship after, uh,her and my father divorced.
Yes.
She didn't, um, she haddifferent relationships, but she
didn't have any longer term, uh,committed relationships.
(11:59):
And, but she found her own lifeafter divorce and I admired in
it.
And I thought, wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
That gives some people you seedon't bounce back.
Right.
But she had a really goodnetwork of people around her.
She, you know, developed friendsfrom her work environment.
Et cetera.
And even with, she made family abig focus and keeping us all
(12:21):
connected.
Right.
So, but she will go out.
She did aerobics.
Yeah.
Oh,
and those socializing neighborhood
stuff.
Oh my gosh, if you think abouther neighborhood stuff, when she
was even in the house.
Yeah.
And, and so much so that whenshe moved, we moved together,
she was missing that.
And so she had to come to thenew neighborhood and go get in
that one.
(12:42):
Yes.
So she could not, she could notnot be active in her, in her
mind, thought process, becauseshe didn't like to be bored at
all.
And when you say that, I thinkabout, you know, different
factors that impact somebody's.
Uh, well being and sense ofpurpose, us moving from her home
that she had before her and Imoved to the apartment when she
(13:06):
had her, you know, 20 plus yearhome.
When we moved her out of thatneighborhood, that caused a big
shift in her, in her, uh, senseof wellbeing and purpose and
things like that.
Because like, uh, by mention isthat when we were.
we were in the apartment and Iused to talk to you about
(13:26):
different things that I noticedabout it was, she had to find
her, her new way of being.
And sometimes that would causeher to, uh, go into states of
depression and that I wouldnotice, but she denied and keep
pushing on.
We were together.
Yes.
When she didn't know what wasgoing on or it wasn't active
(13:50):
enough.
Yes.
Yes.
And so I think she longed forher old life is sometimes I,
even though she's no longer withus, I don't want to put no words
in her mouth, but it's like, Ithink somewhere, sometimes she
had some regrets about leaving.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
where she had built, but yeah,she definitely went through, uh,
(14:13):
an emotional state because ofthat.
And I, deep in my heart, I feellike some of those things
impacted her health and wellbeing.
I do agree.
So think back on when COVID hit.
Right.
So we moved together in 2018.
So y'all think about COVID hit2020.
Right.
Yes.
So we, a couple of years in,thank God we all made it through
(14:34):
COVID together because we werespending a lot of time together
day, night, you know, nobodybeing able to go out during
those periods.
But during that period, she was,uh, volunteering at a food
pantry.
Yes.
Remember?
Yes.
She got to go do so she's goingto her aerobic she Uh, you know,
(14:56):
it was if maybe it was multipletimes a week then she had to cut
it back to once a week Uh, butthat again was part of her
little extended family andfriends Uh, that was a part of
her life and we hear storiesabout the people and we got to
know everybody Uh through whatshe would come home.
That was her work She come hometell us about her work and what
(15:16):
she was doing But that's where Ifelt in covid when we were there
with covid it was also impactfulBecause one of the things that
uh, I could share She uh was asmoker for many years Um So with
that, at least on an annualbasis, probably the last 10
years of her life, at least oncea year, we would have an
(15:40):
exacerbation of something.
With her breathing related.
Mm-hmm.
That would cause us to have togo to the er.
Yes.
And go.
And then she hated it.
'cause she didn't ever wanna go.
Uh, she got, they kept herinpatient.
They always kept her, even if itwas for a day Yes or two, she
run more tests.
She did not like it to run moretests on her.
One of the times, uh, that shewas in there, they did find like
(16:04):
a little thing on one of herlungs.
A nodule.
Yeah.
A nodule there.
And, but.
So we always knew monitoring.
She was all avid about going tothe doctor, always all of the
different specialists that shehad, et cetera.
So she really tried to take careof herself very well.
So she was, and she would pushus, did you go to the doctor?
You go to the doctor, all that.
(16:24):
And I will preface that, wouldsay, like when, uh, to speak to
that she was the type of personthat.
Went to the doctor diligent,went to the dentist, went to the
eye doctor, went to all of herappointments and did what she
could as, as closely as shecould to, uh, implement the
changes or suggestions thedoctor gave her.
(16:47):
If they prescribed hersomething, she would take it.
She did everything that wasasked of her.
She tried, not everything.
She, she liked her sweets.
She liked her sweets.
So, you know, so that's yourmama.
That was her weakness.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But she, and I, y'all, I don'tknow about that.
I know too.
Is it hereditary?
It is hereditary.
(17:09):
I don't know, but if, you know.
Habit.
It is.
It is.
It's a learned habit.
But I do recognize that when wewere in COVID, she, I saw it.
I saw that dip in herdepression.
She was anxious.
It was like, I want to dosomething.
I can't stay.
And she would tell me, I can'tstay up in here like this.
I want to get out and dosomething.
So it was very, very important.
(17:31):
And she used to get like thatduring the winter too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She'd get the winter blues.
But she couldn't, she didn'tdrive.
She did not.
If it snowed, she didn't, shedidn't drive.
Okay.
And she didn't really want us todriving She didn't want you to
go anywhere.
She was like, where you going?
She called you up and was like,where you going?
You going to work today, VoniYes, mama, I'm going to work.
You sure?
You shouldn't be out there.
You know, we'd have this wholedialogue, because she worried
(17:53):
about us as children, but shestill understood we, she and
wanted to, that sense ofindependence.
What were you about to say?
I was gonna, I was justwondering.
So, Based on what we've justdiscussed, what would you say?
Not like, of course we can'tgive anybody any advice or
anything, but what would you sayare some of the key things that
(18:15):
you would monitor if you wereliving with the aging parent?
Or even if you weren't livingwith them, that you were caring
for them and, and, um, it'slike, uh, tuning in to their
wellbeing if they were gettingolder.
I, I, uh, as I reflect on that,I wish I had.
Asked mama to go to the doctorwith her more.
(18:39):
I did not go.
We did not engage to that levelof detail.
I did sometimes she didn't liketo let me in the room sometimes
because I tell on her.
I was like, well, this happeneddoctor.
Last week, you know, she almostfell or she couldn't get her
balance.
Whatever it was, right.
Yes.
That, that was mine.
(19:01):
I would want to, I would havewanted to be more interactive.
And, and I think because of ourrelationship and friendship, I,
you know, uh, I feel like Icould have gotten her to do it,
but I never asked.
So that was a regret I have.
I have a regret that I didn'tget involved in it more often
(19:22):
because as she, uh, as, as sheaged and then maybe in the last
couple of years of her life,right.
Yeah.
And especially when she gotdiagnosed, Um, then I was very
active or I was, you know, I'dwrite down the questions and
she, yeah, I am jumping ahead,but she would allow me.
(19:44):
So I felt like if I would haveasked, she might've offered.
And this is interesting.
I was today years old when Ifound that out that that was one
of your regrets and we reallyclose.
I heard you say that before.
Yeah.
Is that, I wish I had asked her.
Yeah.
Cause you know, you got to askmama.
It ain't like you just go.
And that's one thing.
Don't just assume anything.
(20:06):
You never know to me whatanybody is going through
internally.
Yeah.
And I, cause what I learned fromit though too, is some of the
things, and I will talk aboutthat as we get closer because
Niecee you remind me, thank youfor not jumping the gun too
much.
There were things not done.
That has somebody asked couldhave been done.
(20:28):
Yes.
All right.
Yeah.
So, so with that, um, what, whatare we talking about here?
So we are, um, let's move aheadbecause what we're speaking of
is that.
You know, like we said, mom,she, she went to the doctor
religiously and this particulartimeframe, she went to her
(20:50):
mammogram and we jumping ahead.
We jumping on here.
We did 20, 21, 20, 20.
2022, 2022, 2022, 2022.
So we done been two years postCOVID.
We done hold COVID.
Yes, we done done all that.
Yes, and so she had went to hermammogram and she came back
(21:12):
home.
And said that they think theysaw something on her mammogram.
Very small.
We're not going to worry.
Yeah.
I gotta go back.
She had to go back for anothertest.
Oh, that's right.
Deeper, like a, a ultrasound andyou know, scans and stuff.
Okay.
And then, um, they, they were alittle bit, uh, curious about
(21:36):
it.
So they wanted her to have thebiopsy.
Yes.
As you said, so there she hadthe biopsy.
And it ended up coming back thatthey found cancer.
And so when they found thecancer, It was just a small, no,
they weren't too worried about,well, this is what they told us
she went.
(21:56):
So of course she went to anoncologist.
They referred her.
They referred her to anoncologist.
And, uh, what's the peoplecalled that do the radiation
type thing?
Uh, they are, uh, theyradiologists, radiologists.
They are the radiologists.
She was primarily seeing them,that was her form of treatment.
Yes.
And so the oncologist, when wefound out and I'll never forget,
(22:20):
I had to work and you went tothe appointment with her when we
went for the consultation on theplan of treatment.
How were we doing about this?
Okay.
You know, the whole family'slike, Oh Lord, you know, and so
Niecee and I, yeah, let's, let'sdig in a little bit.
Yeah.
You go ahead together.
Yes.
Right.
(22:41):
So we were close to mom knowingwhat was actually happening in
real time.
Now we have other siblings andher grandchildren who are very
close and wanting to know andstay up to date too on it.
So, uh, it was, we have us, Icall it, we have a certain part
of our tribe, uh, that Usuallyare don't avoid health, health
(23:04):
related things.
We have some that they figureeither, I don't know what the
answer is.
Either they figure we got it orthey, they are not comfortable
doing that.
I don't know exactly what it is.
We don't know.
We don't get in it, but.
When what I've observed,whenever any of us have
different health things related,there's certain ones that show
(23:25):
up, and you know, and that'susually you, me, my daughter,
and those are, that's, and mama,and mama was one, it's about,
it's four of them, it's four orfive of them, they usually come,
no matter who it was, right, butthat was who went to that
doctor's appointment, so I wasthere with her, Were you and
(23:47):
Jackie on the phone?
Yes.
Okay.
So we were all dialed in on thephone.
So I had my cell phone there.
They there come with a wholelist of questions.
Yes.
They're speaking to her and theylike, well, it was just a small
breast cancer.
They should be able to take careof radiation.
But like I was saying thatduring that call, I remember
(24:08):
asking the doctor, well, don'tyou think we should do a bigger
scan, more tests so we can know.
That this is it.
Yeah.
Uh, is this all we have to dealwith before we get started on
treatment?
And she was like, oh, yeah.
Oh yeah.
This is just a little smallnodule.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, this a small nodule.
What did say to call it one C?
(24:29):
What did, what was it, what didshe tell us?
Was it a one?
I'll tell you something.
I, I'm not good.
Remember, remembering theterminologies, but I know it was
supposed to be small and thatall they needed, she could
radiations and that should takecare of it.
She shouldn't even have to doany chemo at all.
(24:50):
And so we're like, Oh, okay.
All right.
In the process.
So mama went through anothershift.
So as you could tell, our, our,our, Thoughts about in our
experience related to caring foran aging and sick parent is our
mom.
So mama, she went, uh, she hadanother shift then and she kind
(25:13):
of became quiet.
Yes.
And she was dealing with, Ithink her own mortality and
getting a diagnosis.
I don't know anybody whowouldn't get something like
that.
No matter how small.
Even if she thought it wascurable, she still dealt with
the diagnosis.
Yeah.
One of our friends that sheworked with at the volunteer
(25:33):
had, uh, had.
Dealt with some cancer and shehad made it through it.
And my mama was close to herthrough the whole journey.
Yeah.
Uh, our step mom had wentthrough a long journey with
cancer.
With breast cancer andeverything.
So we, we had recently just beendealing with that and my, our
(25:56):
step mom had passed away from itnot too long before that.
And that was like in, uh, 2019.
Mm-hmm Right before, beforeCovid.
Right before that, thathappened.
Mm-hmm And I was heavilyinvolved in her care.
Mm-hmm You know, mama heard alot about it.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and because she helpedsupport me and my emotional
(26:19):
state in dealing with that.
And so she dealt with a lotduring that.
But when you would talk to her,try to engage her about it, she
wouldn't really go into it.
She wouldn't, to and I, I'd belike, man, so you back up.
You wanna give people, theyspace.
Yeah.
Respect.
But I do.
So always just kind of, youknow, it got to where I just be
sitting there just to be thereas a emotional support because
(26:43):
she didn't want to talk aboutit.
That's one thing.
I'm going to tell you thisthough.
So, okay.
She's like, I'm going to keepliving.
Right.
She was.
And I love that.
And that was the part.
But when she got the diagnosisand once the biopsy came back,
yes.
Me and my husband were in, wewere out of the country.
Oh yeah.
They were on a trip.
We were on a trip.
Honey, I was ready to come home.
(27:05):
I had looked up the flights andeverything.
And so I got the news over thephone and I was like, uh,
hearing about it, it kind ofgave you a joke to, you know, to
hear that about your mom.
Uh, and so, uh, she was like, donot like, you better not come
back.
(27:25):
You do not, not, she would'vebeen so upset with you.
Would been so upset with me, butI didn't do it because, you
know, probably mama said youhave much fun.
No more.
I, no, but it, it put me too ina mental state.
Yes.
You know, because it's fear.
Yes, it is.
Fear the unknown.
Unknown.
Yes.
That you don't know.
Okay.
Ooh, okay.
So.
Mama got a good attitude aboutit.
I'm going to have one too,because I believe that, you
(27:46):
know, what you try to focus onand not think, doom, bloom,
it'll, it'll, energy is put out,you got to create it and, and
keep that positive.
So she had it, I'm going to haveit too.
Yeah.
That was my attitude.
Yes.
And so things were going reallywell.
And she went to her appointmentsfor our oncologist She went to
(28:10):
the radiation, but as we weregoing through this whole
experience, She started with, itstarts, she started having
pains, pains.
It's like, uh, couldn't reallyget up her legs and her back
were hurting.
Now I will say that she's, shehad always been having these
pains in her legs for years.
Her hip, she's always, but youknow, this back pain was really,
(28:39):
really, really huge.
And so she was not a smallwoman.
Yeah, it's the other part.
She was a plus size woman.
So some of it could have beenweight related.
That's what I had attributed alot of it to her size, even her
arthritis pains, and she didtoo.
Yeah.
Uh, but it was just like, Ithought that some of the back
was related to that, but goahead.
(29:00):
I agree.
I agree.
Yeah.
We, we were kind of, I mean, wewere just like, man, that's.
Mama, what you done done?
Did you twist his back?
Did you?
Yeah, you've been in here tryingto pick stuff up.
You've been trying to dosomething.
we don't know nothing about mamaYou feisty.
She tried to do stuff and thenstuff around the house stuff.
You're like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
And so, you know, it's a joyfulexperience.
(29:22):
It was funny.
It was like, yeah.
Oh man, I wasn't training forthe world, but you know, you go
through stuff with your parents.
You're like, Mom.
Fussing.
And she's like, who's theparents?
Exactly.
You know, so.
You don't tell me what to do.
Right.
And so I digress.
But she was having these backpains.
And so we were like, man, it gotso bad.
(29:43):
She wasn't really getting up.
You know, she was like, wasn'tmoving about through her days.
Like we, we normally saw her.
So it was like, okay, mom, weabout to have to take you to the
doctor.
And by this time, because afterCOVID, you know, during COVID,
uh, both Voni and I were blessedto be able to come home to work.
We weren't in the workforce thatactually, uh, came out of work.
(30:06):
We were able to continue workingthrough it all.
And from that point on, we hadbeen, um, work from home people.
And so we were working from homeand we both were like, okay, we
gonna have to go take mama tothe hospital, you know, to go
see what, cause she was real badthis particular day.
She was hurting real bad.
It was, it was her back andside, if I remember right.
(30:29):
And anytime she would take adeep breath or something, it
was, and I thought it was stillrespiratory, just a normal, uh,
that time of year, but it wassummer though, so it's not
normal for her.
And then, oh, remember too, theyhad given her antibiotics and
steroids thinking she was havinga respiratory problem.
Yes, yes, just before that.
They thought she was doing allthat.
(30:49):
And it didn't work and wecouldn't get it working.
So then they changed it.
They did a different antibody.
So then it's just, wasn'tgetting better.
Okay.
Yeah.
And so we took her, we both tookoff work and we were like, we're
going to the ER.
We went to the ER.
We go with mama.
It was morning.
We decided that we're going toget it over.
I took my laptop.
Yeah, I took my laptop.
(31:09):
I'm sitting there.
We both had a lap.
We both had a workbook.
We both had these formalities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I go in there, get mama healedup, let's get home.
So.
They took mom and they went todo the x ray and they, uh, they
came back and we were just kindof sitting there like waiting,
you know, mom was just like,what y'all working on?
(31:32):
And we're like, well, we'reworking along.
So the doctor comes in and says,the, uh, the test results are
back and I don't know if I caneven tell it because it's almost
like a blur to me can, because Iwas like, I can, it was an out
of body experience about it.
I don't even know.
I can, I remember it like it wasjust day and I could visually
(31:53):
see, let me say this, is that I,I formed some kind of
disconnect, even still to thisday now, and I'm just now
thinking about it from the wholeexperience.
It was that traumatic.
It was traumatic for you.
I know it was, I know.
Speak on it.
Speak on it.
'cause it was.
This is the thing about us assisters.
Niec.
Uh, Niecce.
(32:14):
I am.
I, I'll put it this way.
I am calmer in a, in a, whensomething's going on urgently,
Niecee can get a little, what,what's going on?
She kind of, she gets a littlebit more emotional.
I can usually kind of stay leveland say, what would you say?
I can function.
You can function, but you haveto have your moment for the
(32:35):
action.
Yes.
I noticed that about you.
I can shut it down.
You don't shut it down.
I suppress it.
You don't, you be like, Oh, andI got to do this.
Well, to go back to what he did,he came in, if you've ever been
in a hospital where they had himsliding doors, he came in, I'm
giving you a visual, best I can,he reached in, came in through
the door, never really came allthe way in, if you visualize
(32:57):
what you probably saw, he neverreally came in through the door,
he wasn't all the way in theroom, he wasn't, he didn't come
in and step in, he was kind ofsitting in that cross thing
between the door, between hislegs almost, Yes! And he's
looking, he's coming in and he'slooking up.
Mom got the tv on.
We got the tv on up there.
And he said the test came backand it looked, the cancer has
(33:19):
spread to your lungs, your uh,your liver and some of your
bones.
Something to that effect.
He said it all.
He said all them organs.
Your neck, your neck, yourthyroid, your chest, your soft
tissue, your femur, your hip, Imean, uh, and then Niecee says,
(33:40):
Excuse me, what did you justsay?
And he rattled it off again.
All those words.
It not, not compassionately,nothing so broad.
Matter of fact, I don't justmatter of fact what I expected.
I And me.
And me, and this is the part I,you know, work with other
healthcare professionals too.
I think it's difficult for them.
(34:00):
I think so too.
I think it's difficult for, Iknow it's probably really hard
for him.
Yeah.
To even have to come give afamily to change our life
because it was so relaxed.
We had no, we like girl, girl,girl.
I know.
Don't cry, don't cry.
We good?
We good?
Yeah.
See?
suppression emotion.
Real talk.
Real talk.
(34:20):
Real talk.
But, we, uh, we do this,Verniece Niecee reacts, me and
Momma's kind of stunned, so amI.
I'm just sitting here, and Iknow, I can feel it, like, I'm
here in the moment.
I'm just sitting there with mylaptop, and I was like.
What the, you know, and I, I,when I get emotional or in those
moments, I drop a curse word.
(34:41):
I do.
I get a little mad.
I was like, did he just say, andthen, but I immediately I shift
to mama and I'm looking at her.
And that's where, to your pointearlier about her emotion and
where she goes quiet and you cansee, you see it, you see that
there's something going on thatshe's saying to herself.
(35:02):
Now, now I'm about to getemotional.
But you could see that thissaying you Yeah, I know.
I'm saying you something thatyou could see in her eyes.
Yes.
You got up left.
I couldn't even shake that.
I, I knew and just from growingup with moms, you know, when
those kind of moments she'd belike, hold it together.
You know?
So I knew, I guess a part of meknew I couldn't fall the pieces.
(35:22):
Yeah.
You, you had keep it together.
I had keep together.
Gotta keep a, whatever you say,keep, keep it cute don't be
getting right.
I was falling apart, so I had togo to the bathroom.
If.
All apart real quick and thenpull myself together.
Come back.
Like, okay, hold my chest out.
Okay, mama.
Okay.
Yeah, but it was, it was a sadmoment.
(35:45):
It was very sad.
It was devastating.
And then, uh, from there we hadto tell our siblings and other
family members.
And so me and Niecee we leftmama for a little while to go do
that.
And then I, you know, we talkedto all of our siblings and
everybody, uh, about it and justto kind of let them know that it
(36:08):
had come back.
But she had said when she, youknow, we knew we had to go back
and go talk to the oncologistand all of that.
Now that meeting.
Was where Voni got a littleirritated, but I digress.
We are going to pause here.
So, tune in next week for parttwo of caring for aging parents.
niecee---voni_1_12-15-2024 (36:30):
Keep coming back.
We appreciate you spending timewith The Sister Girl Sessions
today and we're going to goahead and close and you all have
a great rest of your time andwe'll see you on the next
session.
Peace.
Peace.
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