May 10, 2025 • 52 mins
Sometimes disconnection doesn’t come from conflict—it comes from the quiet buildup of life.
In this episode, we’re unpacking what it looks like to feel distant in a relationship, even when there’s still love, laughter, and good intentions. We’re talking through the emotional weight of parenting, partnership, and ambition—and how all of it can cloud your ability to really see each other.
This isn’t a dramatic breakdown or a picture-perfect breakthrough. It’s a slow, honest conversation about what happens when the connection fades a bit, and how we’re learning to advocate for our individual needs while protecting the “us” in the process.
We’re naming the guilt, the blame, the burnout, and the grace. We’re talking about what it means to want more—not because something is broken, but because we’re still growing.
This one’s real, reflective, and tender. If you’ve ever felt yourself drifting from the person you love most, we hope it helps you feel less alone.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of the sit down
talk podcast.
My name is Kier and I'm Noe,and we welcome you.
Clap it up for you for being upin this joint.
Look.
We figured out the mic thing.
Low time off do a lot of good.
If this is your first time here, welcome, we welcome you.
Make sure you go back and youlisten to or watch all of our
episodes, depending on whetheryou're on YouTube or whether
you're audio streamer, do that.
(00:21):
But if you're one of the peoplewe refer to as repeat offender
that for those that don't know,repeat offenders are folks that
keep coming back to the sit downtalk time and time again let's
go ahead and bring that thing in.
That's a hug.
If you're audio listener,that's a good to see you.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I like that voice, like the asmr.
Is that what it?
Is um yeah, let's sit down thevideo, just like this asmr
irritates me after a while.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Okay, it's a certain microphone you have to use, but
as soon as you go, oh god, thatsounds gross now.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I don't want to listen anymore.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
People listen to people chewing, which to me is
torture.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
This is never mind he hates it, though, and like I a
lot.
I chew like a goat, the babieschew like goats, and we just
like especially if we're in thecar, we all know that we have to
stop chewing Because daddy justgets quiet.
We're like oh, we done, did itnow?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
And I hate to be the one that, like I, don't like
people walking on eggshellsaround me because I feel a way,
but sometimes they be chewingand you can hear the spit coming
in and out the gum.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Okay, baby, baby, stop.
I know, I know, but you'retalking about it.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
That's my experience.
That's what I'm feeling in reallife.
Today is going to be a verydope episode.
We really excited about it.
We're talking about.
We've been doing a lot ofepisodes about where our
relationship is in real time andtoday is no exception.
You want to intro that thing?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, I feel like in a lot of our sit down talks we
give advice, even though it'snot super direct, but it's like
coming from a place ofexperience.
So let me tell you how thingsare working and what we're doing
, and I feel like that's a lotof work and I feel like a lot of
people who are listening tothis do the work.
But what does life look like inthe in-between?
And that's something I've beenreally thinking about, because I
(02:05):
will say that Karen and I arein this really interesting
season of our relationship.
I don't think we've ever beenhere and we'll talk a little bit
more about what that is later.
But how did we get here andwhat does it feel like right now
?
I think we're on the cusp of abreakthrough in what our like
lives as far as independentlives outside of who we are as
(02:27):
partners, outside of who we areas parents, outside of you know
who we are in this relationship,but like kind of going back to
who we are as people yeah, notwith our friends picking up
hobbies like who are you outsideof your family and your kids?
the individual piece exactly,and I feel like we are getting
there, but this is the firsttime that I'm recognizing it and
it's a.
It's a space that we've neverbeen.
(02:48):
You know, I think we've beenclimbing for, you know, clarity,
climbing for some type of peace, and I see it on the horizon
for the first time ever, withtwo kids where we are in our
business and where we are in ourmarriage.
We've never been here before,so, but I feel good about it for
the first time after a longtime.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
I feel good about it.
I'm the opposite I feel goodabout it and I always have felt
either neutral or good about it.
But the difference for me is Ifinally see what people are
talking about.
Like they say the first year ofmarriage is the hardest.
I disagree, at least not in myexperience or couples I counsel.
The first year is verychallenging and it's a shock to
the system.
(03:27):
But saying the first year ofmarriage is the hardest is the
same thing as saying the firstyear of parenthood is the
hardest, like yes, because youhaven't experienced a
three-year-old yet, or 14 yearold that's why it feels the
hardest.
But there is this difficultythat comes between, I would say,
five and seven.
From everybody that I talkabout, you hear about a
seven-year itch and for y'allthat don't know, the seven-year
(03:47):
itch is this space in a lot ofcouples marriage where they
really think about divorce inthat seven years.
And at first I thought it wasbecause of animosity or hate,
and it's not.
Sometimes it's because of theinverse of that.
It's because of the mundane andthe routine and just the
repetition of it all and how yougreet that and still seeing
(04:08):
your person as a person that youcan't meet with repetition.
You got to meet them withspecificity, you know, and
that's a bar.
Say that again I don't rememberwhat I said.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
You can't meet them with repetition.
You have to meet them withspecificity.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
I said that yeah, oh that's all right, that's true, I
like that, but it's it.
That's all right.
That's true, I like that, butthat's true.
And I think we're a year.
We're going on year five.
No, we're going on year six,and we're very intentional
people.
And if we weren't thisintentional, I could see how all
the busyness of life juststarts to throw dust in your
marriage and you just can't seethe other person anymore.
(04:42):
I used to be judgmental of that.
I'm not judgmental because howcan you not see the person right
beside?
Y'all go to sleep togetherevery night, y'all wake up
together, y'all own stufftogether.
That's the thing.
That's the thing, and itbecomes repetition, like, okay,
let me check off this box, butyour person is not a box, and
sometimes just the inverse ofthat.
You doing stuff for yourself islike let me me check off a box,
(05:03):
but you're not a box, you're anindividual and, like I said,
you can just get washed in thisthing.
So that's something that wewant to talk through today, to
kind of get folks' heads up ormaybe have folks reminisce and
rethink about where they are intheir own journey.
Or even if you ain't marriedand you single and you just want
to see what it's like we aboutto go through all that today
we're talking about it in realtime.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Right, there was just a lot of gems and a lot of bars
over here.
So, um, I encourage you to goback and listen, because even
like it was going so fast, but Ithink you brought up a lot of
things, and I think the biggestthing was um, keep in mind, I've
never heard this analogy before, so I'm hearing it most of the
most of the stuff that we talkabout are in real time.
So basically, I have I'm havinga mind blown moment and I'm
(05:46):
trying to catch what justhappened.
I loved when you were talkingabout how, like you also have to
realize that you're not a boxreason you need to do in your
(06:07):
relationship, in your life as aparent, whatever and I don't
think a lot of times we giveourselves that grace when we're
doing the work that we are.
Also we.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
We have to be as flexible and as as open and as
fluid in the kinds ofrelationships that we develop
with other people in the sameway that we look at ourselves
100 that's really hard it ishard I say this thing all the
time if your goal is to takecare of everyone and you don't
take care of yourself and youfeel that taking care of
everyone, because you don'tconsider yourself in that number
(06:31):
and we think that that level ofsacrifice or martyrdom or
abnegation is like of merit andmaybe.
But if your partner doesn'treceive it or see it, or they
got their own stuff going on,you can build, uh, resentment
toward that person for notseeing what you feel is obvious.
But what they feel is justanother thing in the process of
(06:52):
things that they have to beattuned to.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So, yeah, it's man crazy yo, and there's layers to
this so many.
What care just explained isthat's just simply the way that
we are viewing other people.
We haven't even started talkingabout how it reviews upon
ourselves.
You could be doing the work anddoing everything that you got
to do for your partner, but areyou doing what you got to do to
be good?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
that's why I hate 50 50 conversations because that's
what y'all talking about 50.
Like don't on this side thatdoes not matter it, just we
don't ever talk about it.
It's not a thing.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
So shameless plug.
I posted about this on YouTubeand I believe I've.
By the time that this comes out, I would have put it on
Instagram.
We were talking, I was talkingabout the concept of harmony
over balance.
You guys have heard me say it amillion times, that's my
favorite bar.
You know, I just I love theconcept no-transcript, like when
(08:15):
you're looking for it, whatdoes it look like when you're
trying to do it?
And that's just in myrelationship with myself.
That's not even therelationship with my man, it's
just relationship with myself.
That's not even therelationship with my man, it's
just yo.
It's a lot.
But yeah, we're gonna go into alittle bit more specific uh, uh
I guess in-depth way to kind ofstart this conversation,
because we're kind of all overthe place right now.
So we've been in this reallyinteresting season, wouldn't you
(08:38):
say in our really well, first,let me ask if you agree, because
I feel like we're in a notweird, it's not weird.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
It's not weird.
It's so new it feels like it'sjust, it's unfamiliar.
Yeah, and it's.
I thought that we had the toolsto avoid this and we ended up
falling into it anyway.
Yeah, I don't mind talkingabout it because it's not
embarrassing to me it's.
I wish more people talk aboutit openly so that I could
realize that I'm not.
It's not embarrassing to me,it's.
I wish more people talk aboutit openly so that I could
(09:06):
realize that I'm not.
It's not bad or weird.
It's just a part of the processfor a lot of people, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
So what season are you in right now?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
um a season where, like our connectivity takes more
work for us to feel connected.
It used to just be, you know, wejust boom I saw vibing vibing
has always been our thing andit's just been such a natural
thing that now it takes morework.
I saw this instagram post withthis man and this woman just
hugging each other.
Man, and they said, um,purposely reconnecting with your
(09:37):
partner because y'all aretoddler parents.
And wtf is this?
And we talk oftentimes on thisjoint about how you know, we
don't agree that kids aren't inthe way of marriage.
We don't agree with that.
We don't agree thatresponsibilities aren't in the
way of marriage we don't agreewith that.
We think all those things arein the way tremendously Like the
huge impedances to just youall's mutual happiness in
(10:02):
finding that joy in togetherness, because it takes you away from
your person.
And now, it's just like such agood way to put it all the stuff
we gotta do, man, and just thetalking about the stuff.
Sometimes it's just like anassociation thing where if I see
her she starts talking, myresponse would be like what,
what's up?
What's going on?
What do I need to do?
I ain't never been that, but Iassociate you talking with me
(10:24):
with me having to do something.
And it's not her fault.
It's not her fault.
Our family has logistics.
This shit is like running amulti-international business,
running a family.
That's why so many people beresentful to their spouse, cause
they don't.
they run into business solo, atleast they feel like they are
but but we try to be connected,but the more if you listen here,
you know I hate to be talked tolike don't ever talk to me a
(10:46):
day in your life.
I love talking to her more thananybody on the planet.
So it's like this weirdjuxtaposition of I need to talk
and be in communication with mywife to make sure we're bonded
and we're close and our family'sgood and all the logistics, but
the other side's like god damn,I'm talked out.
And then the other side of thattriangle is don't associate our
conversations with anything butwork now.
(11:07):
And you know there's people.
All the work is fun.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Have at it.
I don't know anybody that saidto me.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
People public facing be putting on a mask.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
I don't know them people.
Yeah, I'm not attracted tothose types of people, those
types of energies.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Listen, if there's an easy button there, I'm hitting
it.
You, those types of energies,listen, if there's an easy
button there, I'm hitting it.
You can do all the hard workand feel better about it
afterwards.
I want a life of more ease whenpossible.
So it's that piece and I hatethat.
I hate feeling like that, but Idon't know how I can not feel
(11:48):
like that.
So my part of it is trying torearrange my brain, so that I
not rearrange, but reframe mythoughts so that I have more
grace for the soft spots wherethat stuff just needs to live.
Yeah, I figured out how I'mfiguring out how.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah, I definitely see a change there.
I definitely see a change therein you.
I I can't point exactly to whatit is, but I see a better maybe
not like overall happierdisposition, but I see a better
maybe not like overall happierdisposition, but I see better.
You know what?
Speaker 1 (12:07):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
I see you figuring it out and I'm just giving you the
space to figure it out and youkind of let me know what you
need.
And, similarly to what youtalked about, you know the
season that you're in.
I feel like I'm in a seasonwhere, not like I can fall back
because you didn't have ittogether, but so many of the
decisions that we had to make asa family, as a as business
(12:30):
partners require, like us,constantly checking in with each
other and making a mutualdecision.
I feel like I don't have to askyou.
Like even business wise, I canmake decisions for the business
without coming to you.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
I didn't always feel that way.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
You know, I felt like everything had to go like to
both of us and I just feel likeI've been able to fall back and
work on myself, because itwasn't like I didn't work on
myself because I didn't want to.
It's just hard.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
It's a lot to juggle at once.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
It's so much to juggle.
I'm busier than I've ever been.
I feel good about the decisionsthat I'm making and the things
that I'm taking on, but it is amuch busier life than I expected
.
I've been out of my job for twoyears.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
And the mentality back then was like hashtag soft
life, soft wife, soft girl, softmom Like I'm going to be
chilling, there ain't nothing.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Where's the soft?
It's heavy on the life.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
It's heavy on the life, heavy on the life, heavy
on the mood.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Light on the soft.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Light on the soft and I still want to be a good wife,
though you know what I mean.
I still want to be a good mom,like this business.
If this works out, this is whatwe're going to be able to give,
give back to our families whoare descendants.
Like this ain't no light.
You know what I mean.
This isn't something that I'mnot going to put my all into,
but, like in doing all of that,it's just like yo sis, like
(13:53):
where are you and all of this,and I find myself blaming you,
blaming the kids, blaming thebusiness, like even saying
sometimes like I don't even wantto do this, no more, damn and
you set me free telling me youblame me because I blame you too
, I mean, and then I'm like it'snot her fault.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
But yeah, man, I want to blame it on you.
So bad, because it just itmakes it easy nobody else to
blame, like it's you.
I ain't think about it likethat.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
You're the only other person there I mean, but it
kind of is it's your faultbecause why you had to go out
here and be famous and be doingall these moves and keep me with
them.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Kids, 24, it's your fault why you want a
self-identity like why can't youjust let me cook like dog, like
?
Why do you want things foryourself exactly that I have to
support?
Just let me worry about me dog.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Nah, I understand wow , that's a real moment.
Yeah, thank you for saying that.
You set me free when you saidyou blame me.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I'm like damn, because I be blaming you too I
just talk myself, listen backit's everybody's fault, okay I
dilute it with reality everybody, everybody's been catching else
, if I love you, you've beencatching it.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
I just haven't said it because it's petty and it's
my feelings.
It's not real life.
But is that what I'm doing?
Yo, everybody's taking l's inmy heart.
What?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
a Kevin boom, boom, everybody going to die.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
But in you know, I think, saying those feelings out
loud, and not only feelingthose things, but like
intentionally going to thepeople who I expected to be
there or expected to do certainthings that weren't necessarily
done, like being honest withthem about how I felt, not about
blaming part, but about the Imiss you, the feelings part yeah
, like I miss you.
I feel like I don't have anytime to hang out with my friends
like if I could, if I, if I didhave more time.
(15:35):
Like this is these are thethings I want to do with you, or
you know.
I mean like planning smallerthings.
So, like one of my best friends, she has two under two right
now and she's my ride or die.
I can call on her and anythingbut she's dealing with the kids.
She works for the feds.
Like it's a lot going on andwe've had to be really
intentional about the time thatwe spend, even if it's a voice
(15:59):
no, I mean 10 minute voice noteslike hey girl, I'm probably not
gonna talk to you for two weeks.
Let me tell you all the crazyshit happening in my life right
now.
You know, or like sometimes wemeet up.
We made up at nine o'clock pmjust to have one piece of wine
together, because we still up toone o'clock in the morning
stressing about our kids Mightas well be stressed with your
best friend on the couch sippingwine.
Like I think that's just alittle like it took so long to
(16:27):
get here, but like doing thoselittle things and I know you've
been hanging out with yourhomeboys a lot lately like that
has just been so good for me,like I didn't know that you can
do this but you hit the nail onthe head, though it's the
moderation piece.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
It's not the fact that you can't do it, it's just
that the way that you did itwhen you only had to worry about
you versus the way that you doit when all the responsibilities
are falling on top of you.
It's two different ways.
And the way that you can do itwhen the responsibilities are
falling on top of you is atruncated version of what you're
used to.
It's it's not the whole thing.
Like if you used to going tothe sub shop and getting you a
(17:00):
foot long.
That's the four inch joint thatthey give free for valentine's
day.
Like.
It's like.
You eat it and then you're like, damn, I wish there was more
and it.
I think it takes you a while ofeating a smaller portion of the
thing you were used to torealize that sometimes you don't
get full, you're just satisfiedfor the moment and it's
changing the goal.
But damn that, back doors untilthe thing that me and you
(17:22):
talking about with us.
Just realize that when you saidit because this friend she
talking about I saw heryesterday she was like I'm so
sorry I haven't seen you in awhile, stop I'm not that person,
yeah you got small kids, I gotsmall kids.
We've seen each other.
Right now, let's sit in thismoment because we, yeah, we, oh
man, I miss her so much, but Imiss you so much too I miss you
(17:42):
and I and I'm coming.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
I miss you.
I miss the you that we can betogether without all this stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
It's this, but in the stuff is changing me Like I
don't.
It's another Instagram video.
It's this British guy I hope wecan drop it and he's a
newscaster.
He says when you become a manhe said this is very important
for men friends like you, justwhen, when the marriage and the
kids responsibility falls on you, you don't get time with your
friends.
And I know we don't talk aboutthat as a society because we
(18:09):
frame men a very specific way,but you're not supposed to be
happy, no yeah, or you don'ttake care.
Men don't take care of theirfamilies.
What do you need to hang outwith your friends for?
That's, that's the portion thatyou're choosing to see.
I understand, but there is a.
There are a lot of us who areloved by women, who would love
for us to get out the house more.
And he says, to the day I die,you know, I will always remember
(18:32):
like there's nothing like beingon the train with your friends
and at 9 30 am the first of thebear he was like that will
forever do something.
The freedom, the world is yoursto explore.
You can do whatever you want.
There's no responsibilities.
And when he said that, he setme free because I'm like, damn,
the responsibilities arecrushing.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
They're crushing.
When we finish this, we got togo and pick up the kids.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
And I'm looking at the clock right now.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I got to do like it's .
We're constricted by the lifethat we built.
Like it's yes, it's a home, butit is a f**k prison sometimes.
The marriage, it is a hearth,but it is a prison sometimes.
And it's not her fault, it'snot your fault, it's not your
fault, yeah, and it's not myfault, and it's not your.
How dare we want?
Speaker 2 (19:14):
to be successful and happy.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Yeah, how dare we yeah, we could just make this
joint be anything.
We see each other.
When we see each other, ain'tno pressure.
You go out and live.
You're doing nasty deeds.
I do my thing.
That's that's so easy?
Speaker 2 (19:27):
yeah, but what's the purpose of building this?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
if you're gonna do that, I don't know I could be
single and be single.
Why be single and be married?
Why go through all of this?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
and then you hurt people in the process including
yourself.
Including yourself and thenhate yourself while you're doing
it, because I never heardnobody.
Them stories with those men andthey always regret it.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Every time they always regret it.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
They always regret it .
Speaker 1 (19:53):
The women too.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Everybody.
You always regret it.
It's never worth it.
It is never worth it.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
So yeah, that's the season, man, and that's just
full transparency.
But I think one thing I see inyou is you're doing a good job
of well maybe this transitionsto the next thing we talk about
because I feel like I'm talkinga lot but you spent.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
You spent some bars, it's you the other day.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
This is a really good example of what we're talking
about.
So this month I don't know whenthis is on the post I'm gonna
say this month let y'all figureit out, you know uh, this month
I have a lot of speaking events.
I'm not home at all at all thismonth thankful for the speaking
events, but I think I got sixin a month like it's going crazy
and I just agreed to anotherone.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
That's right before one oh great so I don't know
about that gotta get to the bag.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Um, but one of my homies called me and he and I
we're going fishing trips.
He got two kids, he married he.
We called me and he and I we goon fishing trips.
He got two kids, he married.
We just understand.
And I hit him up like bro, Igot a small window in next month
where I can do a fishing trip.
Let's set it up.
He said, bet, we put it on thecalendar.
I blocked it off and I kind ofjust told Noemi.
I said, hey, I'm doing afishing trip this time next
month.
(21:01):
She, she was like all right,because we don't really ask the
other.
Well, we do, but we're justcareful about making it seem
like a drag to just live yourown life.
And the next day I had adoctor's appointment.
Noemi called me.
You mind me telling?
Speaker 2 (21:13):
the story.
That's fine.
I forgot about it until youjust mentioned it.
I think it's on point with whatwe're talking about.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, so the next day , noemi to talk, I said, sure,
what's up?
And she basically tells me.
She says I kind of feel a wayabout the thing that happened
the other day.
You just made this plan and yougo fishing with your friends,
but I don't feel like youconsidered me Now backstory.
I told her hey, I think we needto make some room for you to
(21:41):
get some time away.
You need some time away from us,point blank.
And she said, yeah, okay, let'stalk about it, but in the grand
scheme of all the things wetalk about, we can't always hit
every point, and that was apoint that did not get hit in
the in the several weeks thatfollowed.
So she's saying yeah, I feel acertain kind of way because you
did that and I don't feel likewe're considering me here and I
(22:03):
don't know what she thought myresponse was going to be.
But remember what?
Speaker 2 (22:05):
I said that what did I say?
You're just like, okay, cool,let's, let's find some time in
the calendar.
Yeah, she was right.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
I said, all right, I'll be home in 35 minutes,
let's talk about it.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Let's talk about it.
He was home and I was home in35 minutes and we talked about
it and we just talked about itand we set a day.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
She got a spa day, all the stuff.
Yeah, she got a spa day andshe's gonna have 24 hours in
this house by herself.
Me and the kids gonna stay inthe hotel room.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
We're going to school the next morning from the hotel
, yeah, so and, by the way, thereason why is because my house
is better than the hotel room,not because you about to be at
the four seasons shout out no,we're going to the courtyard,
but you know, sometimes peoplemight be like oh, why can't you
leave?
Speaker 1 (22:42):
I love my mom she better stay home, beautiful we
have a beautiful bathroom, abeautiful master bedroom.
And also you don't feelcomfortable staying at them
places.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yeah, I don't.
I feel like I'm going to getkidnapped.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, and I respect that.
I see that.
So we talked about it and thatcould have been a whole thing.
But one thing I told her afterthat whole thing concluded.
I said, hey, listen, this is.
I said, hey, listen, this is aweird space that I'm in with
responsibilities.
There's a lot of noise going onin my life right now and I'm
not always going to be able tosee what you need the most.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I need for you to be a fierce advocate for your own
wellness, right now that'sexactly what he said.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
If I don't see it, you have to say something or
assume I do not see it.
And she could have took that asyou don't care about me, you're
not paying enough attention tome, you're not attuned to my
needs.
And she didn't.
She said okay.
So the agreement we have isshe's a fierce advocate for her
wellness.
And the agree on my side of theagreement is, if she says she
needs time, we make it happen.
(23:41):
Yeah, we make it.
It's not a matter of if, it'sjust how.
How we're going to make ithappen, cool, let's make it
happen.
What is it going to look like?
And I think that's to me.
I thought you were right.
I say, yeah, you're right, wehaven't made time for this thing
.
It's not a contentious issue tome is what are we?
What are we going to do to makethis thing work?
And I can see how thatconversation can go left with so
(24:04):
many people and I can see howthat conversation can go left
with so many people.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
So can I, but I see how it affected our relationship
.
For that conversation to goright, I did not.
I don't see it I didn't tellyou about this, but when I tell
you it, it unlocked a trust thatI have in you now that I didn't
necessarily have before.
That moment, in the way thatthat conversation happened,
(24:27):
changed so much about how I livein our relationship.
Help me out, because I don't seeit sure, sure, I think like a
lot of times.
I hate to generalize, but Ialso hate not being authentic
sometimes.
But I just feel like mensometimes don't.
Just because things are, theyfeel like things are easier for
women to do versus them, thatit's easy period.
(24:48):
And it's not that we don'tadvocate for ourselves in
relationships sometimes.
Sometimes it's that because ourpartners don't see the things
that we need as that importantthat they don't prioritize it as
well.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I can see that.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
And I think with motherhood at least for me it's
so easy to become a martyr toyour motherhood experience.
So like, oh, I could take mytime, but my child needs this,
or the business needs this, ormy husband needs that, and it's
not even like big things.
But, like even before, I waslike maybe I shouldn't go to
this spa because it's going tocost too much money and I can
(25:22):
spend that money on somethingelse.
Like it took care to say like,not like.
I put the money aside for youlike what you, what you about to
do, spend ten thousand dollarslike no, like a spa day is a spa
day.
It's not cheap, but you don't,you know, I mean it's not
undoable if you don't plan forit.
I don't work this hard for younot to be that's what I'm saying
like come on, fam, um, and Ifeel like, because business has
(25:43):
been so crazy and so you focusthat a lot of times you didn't
see, not that you didn't see,but it was hard to prioritize
this thing when you have thismountain of things and in the
past you would have taken thatdefensively.
It would have turned into anargument.
This isn't who we are.
We're both shocked at the waythat it happened, because we've
seen how much we've grown and Ifeel like I was prepared for the
(26:10):
back and forth and when itdidn't happen I was like oh,
yeah, you sound as um.
Actually, I wasn't shocked atall like how you said we're both
shocked no I, I think you're atherapist and you see things a
mile away, miles away, because I, I don't we just we have
different amounts of forethoughtwith different stuff that is
absolutely true with conflict inour relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
I have a tremendous amount of forethought.
I can.
I can see when it's coming.
I can feel when it's coming.
I know how to neutralize it.
I know when to pay attention.
I know when something's notimportant sometimes, yeah, but
it's yeah.
No, I, I wasn't shocked by itat all.
I was shocked, yeah, it feltlike you were expecting a battle
and I had no fight for you.
Yeah, you were right.
(26:51):
We didn't talk about the thingI said.
We want to talk about my bad.
Let's handle it.
There's no perfect time.
There's only the time we haveright now, so let's just do it.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
He's making a lot of sense.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
I'm still shocked, like my bad.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You're absolutely right the part the kicker was
I'm coming home right now, let'stalk about it and look in the
calendar.
But, babe, like you've, I feellike you've been like this for a
while, but we haven't hadconflict in this way for a long
time, so, like we haven't, thelast time we had conflict for
real, for real, for real washawaii yeah, that was three
(27:27):
years, but you know it helpsbecause the difference between
hawaii and this and you maydisagree is I didn't feel
unfairly blamed for somethingthat I wasn't aware of okay, you
know I'm saying like it'shawaii, caught you off guard.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
It caught me off guard because I wasn't aware of
any accumulating stress.
I didn't see it, I didn't feelit here it made sense but you
didn't blame me, you just youtold me how you felt you led
with a.
I feel like this because we havenot this you didn't say, you
said you were gonna and youpromised, and then you didn't
dip into the bag of the paststuff, and because every time
(28:02):
this happened in the past here'sall the examples and I
understand how someone can feellike that's helpful.
By the way, you may think I'mtalking about a specific gender,
but I'm not, because everybodydo it, but that's not helpful,
because now I can't hear whatyou want.
I hear what you're doing, andwhat you're doing is you're
blaming me for something that Idon't feel is my fault.
(28:23):
So the space that I have whereI can kind of figure this out
with you collaboratively, Idon't have that because you
don't feel collaborative, youfeel adversarial.
So now I don't feel like I needto talk to you.
I feel like I need to protectmyself from this
characterization that you'reputting on me, that I do not see
.
You know, it's the.
That's where the blame thingdoes not work it doesn't work
(28:47):
and people it feels hopeful.
I just talked somebody throughthis in counseling.
I'm like I know this feels likeit's hopeful, but where's the
evidence that it's helping you?
And they were like it's not.
I'm like, yeah, let's trysomething different.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
But um, you sound like my therapist your therapist
is a beast.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
I never met her before, but she's a beast, yeah,
I didn't really, I didn'tremember.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
She told me to say that I talked about this
specifically in therapy and sheis called an eye.
Is it called something?
I statement yeah, so she mademe go through this exercise and
practice the eye statements thatI'm gonna good job knowing
these therapists and when yousaid, I said it like that.
It's like I didn't even realizeI was doing it and I need to
call her.
We need a session some people.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Some people tell me what their therapist saying.
I'm like, oh, your therapistsucks, but you, every time you
tell me some of the stuff yourtherapist says, my therapist a
dog don't ever let her go?
Speaker 2 (29:32):
no, I won't, she's a dog.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
She's nice with it yeah, she's incredible, just
from what you gave me back.
She, she knows what she's doing.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, she's a beast she's a psychotherapist, so
that's how like yeah she's abeast man.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Your therapist is excellent, but yeah, I'm glad
that we avoided I was so readyto go back and forth with you
and the fact that you wanted tofight so bad I don't want to
fight.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
That's the thing.
I'm with you, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, but I
don't want.
I don't want to fight with you.
I don't like to fight with you.
I don't.
You know, I don't like who I amwhen we get into petty
arguments, because that's not me.
You know what I mean and that'sjust my emotions and that's me.
Not putting names to the waysthat I feel and trying to
internalize everything.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
You know what?
That happens a lot with folks,man, where they turn their
internal inability to change ortouch or name the thing to
somebody else's problem.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah, that's why we started saying everybody was
catching l's in my life,everybody was catching them.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
That sucks, man society don't help, because
you're going instagram and allthe content is just farming for
victimization.
So bad.
You're such a victim of yourcircumstances.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Everyone's doing everything against you or your
friends aren't showing up foryou and friend break like yo,
maybe you're maybe you're toomuch y'all.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Maybe you're asking for too much're at.
Maybe you're too much y'all.
Maybe you're asking for toomuch from people.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Not you're too much, but you're asking for too much
from people right now or you'renot speaking up, you're not
saying words, like people don'tlive their own lives, are going
through their own real talk ifyou go through.
Some know that there are fivepeople going through 10 times
worse than you.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Everybody has their struggles everybody got their
struggles and not everybodycommunicates the same way and
you're not.
Your emotions are paramount,only in your mind.
Like other people are cool toconsider it, but it's not their
responsibility to all the time.
You need to be okay with thatfact and the idea that when they
can't consider you in themoment, that's not some type of
indictment on their level offriendship or their level of
(31:24):
camaraderie or who they are toyou.
Like hey, we just talking aboutthis with a therapy client.
Every time somebody doessomething that brings you
displeasure, when you begin tolabel them, you start to become
a hard person to be human around.
Like if I'm not totallyinterested in everything you
want to be interested in, or ifI cancel too many dates, or if
I'm not the the responsivefriend you need me to be in that
(31:45):
moment.
Now, all of a sudden, youpulling back and you know you
falling back and then notcommunicating.
People think, because they spittheir emotions out, that they
know how to communicate yeah, no, you're just expressive you're
a poor communicator.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
That is very emotionally expressive this is
in your course, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll put the link down for thewait list below.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
But he basically has a communication course for
couples.
But honestly, the more thatbecause I'm helping him, you
know, with some of the work withthat, the more that I'm reading
it and basically taking thecourse for free, I'm noticing
that it's like a really goodtactics for anybody like just
communication in general, likeyou just got to be.
if you're a good, a goodcommunicator period, you can be
(32:28):
a good communicator to yourpartner, to your friends, to
your family, to yourself and toyou that's the part where, if
you didn't care everybody elseand you didn't take care of you,
you feel to take care ofeverybody.
Speaker 1 (32:39):
But I know we're going off.
Yeah, let me go back to ournotes.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I liked where we were going yeah um, oh, this is a
good one, this is a good one,and I want I want you to answer
it for me and then I'll answerit for you, um, or vice versa,
whatever, but I wanted I want usto answer it for each other.
But it's like when did younotice that we both like this
was heavy and we both neededspace outside of like, like this
(33:04):
is everything that we're goingthrough.
It's not something I can helpyou with, it's not something
that you can help me with, whichis why you wanted me to be like
a fierce advocate for like whatI needed, right, and I guess,
like, when did you?
When did you realize?
It's like, okay, this isactually heavy and if we don't
do something about it, like wein some shit.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
That's a good question.
I noticed it, we in some.
That's a good question.
I noticed it.
I've been noticing it for a fewmonths, but a part of me was
just afraid to really wrap myarms around it, because then,
once I know something exists, Ifeel the responsibility to do
something about it and I'm aperson who needs to.
I'm an emotional person, so Ineed to feel my feelings before
I start moving or I move in adirection that's not true to how
(33:45):
I feel.
So I'm still in the part offeeling this whole thing and I
didn't want to move too quick.
So I want to say I've beenthinking about it for months but
it really dawned on me like inthe last couple of weeks where I
just started to feeldisconnected from you.
And it's like what's thedifference?
Why do I feel so disconnected?
And it's just stuff, in a way,and the more.
When I got some space to thinkaway from y'all.
(34:07):
I was like damn.
I feel different in thisenvironment where I don't have
all the stuff in my face.
It's like, oh, it's the stuff,it's the stuff and it's what was
the stuff for you.
Financial responsibility.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
We don't talk enough about financial.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Everybody talk responsibility.
We don't talk enough aboutfinancial.
Everybody talk about the soleprovider.
Yo man, it comes with somemental stuff and even when you
talk about money for, for theperson who left a job, what are
they supposed to ask you for?
Every penny?
Speaker 2 (34:35):
they get an allowance .
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Can I have a pittance , please?
More, sir.
You know it, the relationshipbecomes different that way.
But also, you can't just belike hey, just start swiping
just don't tell me the swipebecause I'm a swipe yeah, so I,
I gotta, you gotta, have that inmind, and I was talking to your
friend you're talking about,because we talked about when
someone's a sole provider andthat person was talking about
(34:57):
their partner and saying and I'mdang, we're going off on a
tangent because I want to askyou the same question but they
said you know, when someone isthe sole, the sole financial
provider, it's a mental pressure, like it changes.
It changes that personfundamentally.
And when she said that I waslike damn, yeah, it does,
because four people in a housewith two incomes the money
(35:18):
spends different than fourpeople in a house with one
income.
The money spends different.
Just think about toilet paper.
Think about toilet paper.
Think think about toilet paper.
How many people you got in yourhouse how many people, how many
butts you got in your house, youknow.
So I think that's when Irealized and I'm still coming to
the realization I'm just in theplace to do something about it?
Speaker 2 (35:37):
when did you realize?
Um, it's, it's kind of like anuncomfortable story, but I
realized it after reading a lotof the comments about how not
sad I looked.
But it was something to thetune of like I wasn't, I wasn't
happy, like people noticed thatI wasn't.
It was different than how I wasbefore.
(35:58):
And I think one of the thingsthat I love to do is I like to
scroll on my story, likewhenever I have like a whole
bunch of people, new peoplefollowing me, I always go and
scroll to see what would theysee if you were seeing me for
the first time?
And I saw like the drop off,like I saw like 2022, like not
boss, but confident.
You know, 23 was probably likemy highlight year.
(36:19):
24 was like oh, this is gettingreal.
And 25 so the end of 24, 25 hasbeen like am I happy?
Am I not happy?
I'm not who I like.
I don't feel like me anymoreand it's like.
I typically don't take commentsin general to heart, but when
there's truth in them and like II believe I'm a masker, I
(36:40):
believe I'm an internalizer, soit's like I felt like it wasn't
as tight as it used to be.
You know what I mean, likepeople are actually seeing the
crib was slipping.
Pretty much, pretty much, and Ifelt like people were seeing
what was actually, yes,happening in real time, but I
thought I was doing a good jobat hiding it.
So it's like it's one thing tolike.
I'm a type of person, I'm apower through, I'm a figure it
(37:02):
out, I'm a hustle my way through, and I'm in this new season
where I'm just I'm really tryingto be present.
I'm really just trying to feellife as it happens, Like I don't
want to be this old lady and Idon't know what life feels like,
because I'm trying to upholdlike a certain image or a
certain idea of myself, and Ijust, you know, I felt like the
audience knew me better than Iknew myself, and I've been
(37:25):
trying to to like understand howI'm feeling, and one of the
things that kept on coming upwas like these things that I
want to happen for me aren'thappening for me, and you know
the more I kind of looked intowhy that is the case.
When you were like, you know,when we were talking about the
whole I need a day thing, whenyou're like I need you to be a
fierce advocate, and it's like Iam.
(37:46):
You know what I mean.
I just didn't know that I couldin this season because of
everything that's happening, itfelt very selfish in the moment.
So for you, the person that Iwas, I was prepared to hear that
I was selfish.
I was prepared to hear that youknow, we're building this
business and this businessbelongs to both of us and this
is just a sacrifice we got tomake.
It's not personal, like I wasprepared to hear.
(38:09):
You just need to wait a littlebit longer before we can focus
on you, and I think for so longI expected that focus back on me
to look like it's somethingactive from you, not something
that I had the permission to beactive, you know for.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Dang, I didn't know that.
Let me.
In my communication with you,have there ever been moments
that you could think of where Iresponded that way?
Speaker 2 (38:33):
No, it's not so much that you respond in that way,
but you have responded in a waywhere the additional ask or the
additional space forconversation was just so heavy
and it was already heavy so it'snever that like I thought that
I wasn't important.
I just thought that you weregoing through so much that how
could I ask you, like it's heavyon you, the same way it's heavy
(38:56):
on me?
You know what I mean.
Like I just thought it was justpeople talk about in
relationships, where we havethese seasons where it's just,
you know, heavy, and I thoughtthis was that season.
So I've been preparing to be inthat season for the past couple
of months.
So the like drop off to do whatyou got to do was just really
unexpected and I think you knowmaybe I'm misinterpreting where
(39:19):
we were, but that's the feelingthat I got from you.
I got the feeling like it wasjust so heavy that like I don't
know if this is a good decisionanymore.
I don't know if this is, thislifestyle is sustainable, and
like while I think the businesshas the potential, like maybe we
just don't have the things thatit takes to hold that up.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
I see where you're coming from.
Yeah man, we look at that thingso differently because yeah,
it's always heavy, but to me, mything is, no matter how heavy
it is my.
My obligation always goes toyou, even above the kids.
I have a responsibility as aparent and I'm going to take
care of the babies, but I onlygot so much bandwidth for them.
(40:02):
Little bambas, the business.
We created this thing and Ihave an obligation to it, but I
only got so much bandwidth forit.
The business is separate fromme.
Being the therapist, I'veinvested a lot of time into this
.
I only got a certain amount ofbandwidth.
You're the only thing that Iwalked into a space with, fully
understanding that it's going tochange a million times.
(40:22):
I don't know what the change isgoing to look like, but I'm
dedicated to moving with it in away that makes sense for me and
makes sense for you.
So it's different, like you'rethe only family that I chose,
knowing exactly who you werewhen I got into it.
Them kids are surprised.
We know what they're going toend up like.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
We still don't know what you know I'm saying my
family of blood.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
You know what I'm saying y'all been was crazy too
I love them, but they, theycrazy as hell.
I didn't choose them, I justgot dropped off into their arms.
You know what?
I'm saying so it's just, it'sdifferent.
But, yeah, it is happy and no,I don't want to have those
conversations with you sometimes, but I think it's worth it and
I think I need to, and I willalways make space for yeah you
(41:01):
know.
But I understand theapprehension, man, it's.
I don't know it's.
It's so many factors, man like.
Even for the longest I thoughtI never been a happy wife, happy
life, kind of dude.
But the older I get, the moreI'm seeing how there's so many
men who just believe that theirfamily's happiness is their
happiness and they seem happybut really they're just kind of
(41:22):
content and then they morph intothese beings that don't feel
like they deserve things orhappiness or really have an
individual personality tothemselves.
And I can't be that like I'mnot.
I've been a dynamic personalitymy whole life.
I've been.
I'm never just one thing.
I've never been one thing and Ican't be relegated to that for
the happiness of other people.
(41:42):
But that doesn't mean I don'thave to meet the needs or you
know what I'm saying no,understood, I just I gotta, it's
learning to juggle both.
Actually, it's more than both.
It's learning to juggleeverything, and you drop the
ball sometimes.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
Yeah, and that's okay , yeah, it's all right, but you
gotta pick the joint back up youknow and just try again.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
That's the thing.
I'm only a quitter if I stoptrying.
It's crazy man, it's crazy, youreally got like if you want
marriage advice, make sure youlike that person love loving,
not in marriage.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
Loving make sure you like that person for real you
gotta like them as a human man.
Yeah, outside of you, outsideyou know what, speaking of that,
how you were saying, how you'rea dynamic person and you like
to be outside I don't like to beoutside as much as you.
No, no, I want to be outsideall the time with you, but like
when you're outside and you'refree and you know what I mean
like you let the day just kindof go where it goes, like you
(42:39):
always come back happier, likeit reminds me of the cure that I
fell in love with that was afreak, but the care you fell in
love with only was responsiblefor himself understood however,
it was a free man comma.
However, for so long I felt like, since you can't be that person
anymore, you'll never be thatkind of happy me too until now
(43:01):
yeah, you know what it is andyou said this at the top of the
episode.
Speaker 1 (43:04):
You said something about you don't feel like
yourself, and I always challengethat notion in my own head and
it falls alongside this notionof happiness that I have.
Where it's the question is lessdo I feel like myself and more
is less not feeling like myselfand more just unfamiliar with
this version of myself and youmay experience that where the
(43:28):
things that used to make youhappy don't make you happy
anymore and you feel like youjust got to press that button
hard.
If I do more of this thing,maybe I'll feel the happiness.
And I think what we fail torealize me, we being you and us
is that the button don't hit thesame because you're different
now, like that thing does not doit for you anymore, and then
you have to find another thingin your parenthood journey, your
(43:48):
personal journey, your marriage, all that, and I'm so different
yeah, yeah, what it takes totake care of me is different.
It's like I fell asleep when Ibecame a husband and father and
I'm starting to wake up and Ithink I'm the same person since
before that coma.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
Nah, bro I want you to speak a little bit more about
finding this new version ofyourself and reconciling who,
who, that person- I want you totalk about it too, because I
want to see what you're goingthrough, so I can you know um,
but where I wanted to go is Ireally I really want to touch on
briefly before we end, is howdo we connect it back to us?
Speaker 1 (44:22):
I think we talked what I want to touch on you
briefly, oh my god, my God, growup, sir.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
I got to go.
I got to go in like 10 minutes.
That's all we got.
Oh, you're making meuncomfortable.
I was going to talk about howdisconnected how we've been and
how we can connect it back to us, but it seems like that's not
an issue.
So what was the question?
Speaker 1 (44:47):
well, that portion, that's one portion we haven't
been disconnected in I feel likewe have really yeah, for real
yeah I would say how so, but Idon't know if we want to have
that.
Speaker 2 (44:58):
No, I'll be keep it yeah yeah, it's just um.
Sometimes I feel like I'm achore like I'm talking about
sexual.
Speaker 1 (45:06):
Oh, I'm not talking about that.
That's what I was talking about.
That's not what jesus woman Iwas talking about emotional
disconnection oh yeah, I feelemotionally, yeah, I mean I feel
that makes sense I don't feelsexually disconnected that's
what I'm saying.
That's like the one spot,that's one of the tenets of our
relationship.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
I think, like any, any, anything that we talk about
, listen I'm when that might gethit.
Speaker 1 (45:26):
Listen we on that to wrap this.
Speaker 2 (45:28):
I don't even care what we're talking about anymore
.
I got things to do, but um,sexual disconnection is not
something that I ever feel Ithink that's just natural that
that.
That has a lot to do with how wegot together, how we stay
together, how we going to betogether, like I think that's
just a department that's notreally of concern and it's not
(45:50):
hard.
It's not hard for us.
We're very connected naturallythere.
But I feel like the emotionalconnection is what takes work
and the reason why there's noresentment.
There is, I think, because wehave grace, we're emotionally
intelligent.
You know what I mean.
But I also think we, we haveemotion, high emotional iqs.
I can recognize when.
I can recognize when somethingisn't about me, but it doesn't
(46:11):
mean it doesn't affect me.
So it's like there comes apoint where it's like, okay, I
get it, you know this isn'tabout me.
I might be feeling some type ofway about x, y and z, but then
then there's a point where it'slike, well, I'm no, we, I don't
want this to continue, or maybehe's not aware that this is
happening.
So let's talk about it.
Which is why, like theconversation earlier that we
talked about came up.
But the emotional disconnection, I don't feel it as much now,
(46:34):
but I felt it for a long timebefore now and I think it kind
of goes back to the heaviness.
I think it also goes back tolike you really killing it
business side, like on top ofyour cause, on top of your
responsibilities, like you'vedefinitely leveled up as a
businessman, and I think thatjust took a lot of your energy.
Speaker 1 (46:52):
And.
Speaker 2 (46:52):
I think that you're really good at knowing.
Okay, this requires a lot of mytime, this doesn't require as
much, but let me do something tosustain it here.
Like, I know that lifeshouldn't be a balance, but the
way that it is similar tobalancing you're good at.
You're good at.
You're good at that, and Ithink that I maybe wasn't, um,
(47:14):
clear enough about what I neededfrom you emotionally, but there
there was a disconnection.
I needed more and you thoughtwe were good, but I didn't want
to bring it up, Cause it wasn'tthat we're bad, it's just that,
like, hey, I need more time fromyou, but I know you have no
time.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
That's such a tough place to be.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
And I, like I said, I don't feel like that anymore
because I think I also wasrelying.
I was relying on you to fulfilla lot of some emotional needs
that I can figure out myself.
So it's just like now.
Welcome back to another episode of the sit down
talk podcast.
My name is Kier and I'm Noe,and we welcome you.
Clap it up for you for being upin this joint.
Look.
We figured out the mic thing.
Low time off do a lot of good.
If this is your first time here, welcome, we welcome you.
Make sure you go back and youlisten to or watch all of our
episodes, depending on whetheryou're on YouTube or whether
you're audio streamer, do that.
(00:21):
But if you're one of the peoplewe refer to as repeat offender
that for those that don't know,repeat offenders are folks that
keep coming back to the sit downtalk time and time again let's
go ahead and bring that thing in.
That's a hug.
If you're audio listener,that's a good to see you.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
I like that voice, like the asmr.
Is that what it?
Is um yeah, let's sit down thevideo, just like this asmr
irritates me after a while.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Okay, it's a certain microphone you have to use, but
as soon as you go, oh god, thatsounds gross now.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I don't want to listen anymore.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
People listen to people chewing, which to me is
torture.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
This is never mind he hates it, though, and like I a
lot.
I chew like a goat, the babieschew like goats, and we just
like especially if we're in thecar, we all know that we have to
stop chewing Because daddy justgets quiet.
We're like oh, we done, did itnow?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
And I hate to be the one that, like I, don't like
people walking on eggshellsaround me because I feel a way,
but sometimes they be chewingand you can hear the spit coming
in and out the gum.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Okay, baby, baby, stop.
I know, I know, but you'retalking about it.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
That's my experience.
That's what I'm feeling in reallife.
Today is going to be a verydope episode.
We really excited about it.
We're talking about.
We've been doing a lot ofepisodes about where our
relationship is in real time andtoday is no exception.
You want to intro that thing?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, I feel like in a lot of our sit down talks we
give advice, even though it'snot super direct, but it's like
coming from a place ofexperience.
So let me tell you how thingsare working and what we're doing
, and I feel like that's a lotof work and I feel like a lot of
people who are listening tothis do the work.
But what does life look like inthe in-between?
And that's something I've beenreally thinking about, because I
(02:05):
will say that Karen and I arein this really interesting
season of our relationship.
I don't think we've ever beenhere and we'll talk a little bit
more about what that is later.
But how did we get here andwhat does it feel like right now
?
I think we're on the cusp of abreakthrough in what our like
lives as far as independentlives outside of who we are as
(02:27):
partners, outside of who we areas parents, outside of you know
who we are in this relationship,but like kind of going back to
who we are as people yeah, notwith our friends picking up
hobbies like who are you outsideof your family and your kids?
the individual piece exactly,and I feel like we are getting
there, but this is the firsttime that I'm recognizing it and
it's a.
It's a space that we've neverbeen.
(02:48):
You know, I think we've beenclimbing for, you know, clarity,
climbing for some type of peace, and I see it on the horizon
for the first time ever, withtwo kids where we are in our
business and where we are in ourmarriage.
We've never been here before,so, but I feel good about it for
the first time after a longtime.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
I feel good about it.
I'm the opposite I feel goodabout it and I always have felt
either neutral or good about it.
But the difference for me is Ifinally see what people are
talking about.
Like they say the first year ofmarriage is the hardest.
I disagree, at least not in myexperience or couples I counsel.
The first year is verychallenging and it's a shock to
the system.
(03:27):
But saying the first year ofmarriage is the hardest is the
same thing as saying the firstyear of parenthood is the
hardest, like yes, because youhaven't experienced a
three-year-old yet, or 14 yearold that's why it feels the
hardest.
But there is this difficultythat comes between, I would say,
five and seven.
From everybody that I talkabout, you hear about a
seven-year itch and for y'allthat don't know, the seven-year
(03:47):
itch is this space in a lot ofcouples marriage where they
really think about divorce inthat seven years.
And at first I thought it wasbecause of animosity or hate,
and it's not.
Sometimes it's because of theinverse of that.
It's because of the mundane andthe routine and just the
repetition of it all and how yougreet that and still seeing
(04:08):
your person as a person that youcan't meet with repetition.
You got to meet them withspecificity, you know, and
that's a bar.
Say that again I don't rememberwhat I said.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
You can't meet them with repetition.
You have to meet them withspecificity.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
I said that yeah, oh that's all right, that's true, I
like that, but it's it.
That's all right.
That's true, I like that, butthat's true.
And I think we're a year.
We're going on year five.
No, we're going on year six,and we're very intentional
people.
And if we weren't thisintentional, I could see how all
the busyness of life juststarts to throw dust in your
marriage and you just can't seethe other person anymore.
(04:42):
I used to be judgmental of that.
I'm not judgmental because howcan you not see the person right
beside?
Y'all go to sleep togetherevery night, y'all wake up
together, y'all own stufftogether.
That's the thing.
That's the thing, and itbecomes repetition, like, okay,
let me check off this box, butyour person is not a box, and
sometimes just the inverse ofthat.
You doing stuff for yourself islike let me me check off a box,
(05:03):
but you're not a box, you're anindividual and, like I said,
you can just get washed in thisthing.
So that's something that wewant to talk through today, to
kind of get folks' heads up ormaybe have folks reminisce and
rethink about where they are intheir own journey.
Or even if you ain't marriedand you single and you just want
to see what it's like we aboutto go through all that today
we're talking about it in realtime.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Right, there was just a lot of gems and a lot of bars
over here.
So, um, I encourage you to goback and listen, because even
like it was going so fast, but Ithink you brought up a lot of
things, and I think the biggestthing was um, keep in mind, I've
never heard this analogy before, so I'm hearing it most of the
most of the stuff that we talkabout are in real time.
So basically, I have I'm havinga mind blown moment and I'm
(05:46):
trying to catch what justhappened.
I loved when you were talkingabout how, like you also have to
realize that you're not a boxreason you need to do in your
(06:07):
relationship, in your life as aparent, whatever and I don't
think a lot of times we giveourselves that grace when we're
doing the work that we are.
Also we.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
We have to be as flexible and as as open and as
fluid in the kinds ofrelationships that we develop
with other people in the sameway that we look at ourselves
100 that's really hard it ishard I say this thing all the
time if your goal is to takecare of everyone and you don't
take care of yourself and youfeel that taking care of
everyone, because you don'tconsider yourself in that number
(06:31):
and we think that that level ofsacrifice or martyrdom or
abnegation is like of merit andmaybe.
But if your partner doesn'treceive it or see it, or they
got their own stuff going on,you can build, uh, resentment
toward that person for notseeing what you feel is obvious.
But what they feel is justanother thing in the process of
(06:52):
things that they have to beattuned to.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So, yeah, it's man crazy yo, and there's layers to
this so many.
What care just explained isthat's just simply the way that
we are viewing other people.
We haven't even started talkingabout how it reviews upon
ourselves.
You could be doing the work anddoing everything that you got
to do for your partner, but areyou doing what you got to do to
be good?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
that's why I hate 50 50 conversations because that's
what y'all talking about 50.
Like don't on this side thatdoes not matter it, just we
don't ever talk about it.
It's not a thing.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
So shameless plug.
I posted about this on YouTubeand I believe I've.
By the time that this comes out, I would have put it on
Instagram.
We were talking, I was talkingabout the concept of harmony
over balance.
You guys have heard me say it amillion times, that's my
favorite bar.
You know, I just I love theconcept no-transcript, like when
(08:15):
you're looking for it, whatdoes it look like when you're
trying to do it?
And that's just in myrelationship with myself.
That's not even therelationship with my man, it's
just relationship with myself.
That's not even therelationship with my man, it's
just yo.
It's a lot.
But yeah, we're gonna go into alittle bit more specific uh, uh
I guess in-depth way to kind ofstart this conversation,
because we're kind of all overthe place right now.
So we've been in this reallyinteresting season, wouldn't you
(08:38):
say in our really well, first,let me ask if you agree, because
I feel like we're in a notweird, it's not weird.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
It's not weird.
It's so new it feels like it'sjust, it's unfamiliar.
Yeah, and it's.
I thought that we had the toolsto avoid this and we ended up
falling into it anyway.
Yeah, I don't mind talkingabout it because it's not
embarrassing to me it's.
I wish more people talk aboutit openly so that I could
realize that I'm not.
It's not embarrassing to me,it's.
I wish more people talk aboutit openly so that I could
(09:06):
realize that I'm not.
It's not bad or weird.
It's just a part of the processfor a lot of people, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
So what season are you in right now?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
um a season where, like our connectivity takes more
work for us to feel connected.
It used to just be, you know, wejust boom I saw vibing vibing
has always been our thing andit's just been such a natural
thing that now it takes morework.
I saw this instagram post withthis man and this woman just
hugging each other.
Man, and they said, um,purposely reconnecting with your
(09:37):
partner because y'all aretoddler parents.
And wtf is this?
And we talk oftentimes on thisjoint about how you know, we
don't agree that kids aren't inthe way of marriage.
We don't agree with that.
We don't agree thatresponsibilities aren't in the
way of marriage we don't agreewith that.
We think all those things arein the way tremendously Like the
huge impedances to just youall's mutual happiness in
(10:02):
finding that joy in togetherness, because it takes you away from
your person.
And now, it's just like such agood way to put it all the stuff
we gotta do, man, and just thetalking about the stuff.
Sometimes it's just like anassociation thing where if I see
her she starts talking, myresponse would be like what,
what's up?
What's going on?
What do I need to do?
I ain't never been that, but Iassociate you talking with me
(10:24):
with me having to do something.
And it's not her fault.
It's not her fault.
Our family has logistics.
This shit is like running amulti-international business,
running a family.
That's why so many people beresentful to their spouse, cause
they don't.
they run into business solo, atleast they feel like they are
but but we try to be connected,but the more if you listen here,
you know I hate to be talked tolike don't ever talk to me a
(10:46):
day in your life.
I love talking to her more thananybody on the planet.
So it's like this weirdjuxtaposition of I need to talk
and be in communication with mywife to make sure we're bonded
and we're close and our family'sgood and all the logistics, but
the other side's like god damn,I'm talked out.
And then the other side of thattriangle is don't associate our
conversations with anything butwork now.
(11:07):
And you know there's people.
All the work is fun.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Have at it.
I don't know anybody that saidto me.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
People public facing be putting on a mask.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
I don't know them people.
Yeah, I'm not attracted tothose types of people, those
types of energies.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Listen, if there's an easy button there, I'm hitting
it.
You, those types of energies,listen, if there's an easy
button there, I'm hitting it.
You can do all the hard workand feel better about it
afterwards.
I want a life of more ease whenpossible.
So it's that piece and I hatethat.
I hate feeling like that, but Idon't know how I can not feel
(11:48):
like that.
So my part of it is trying torearrange my brain, so that I
not rearrange, but reframe mythoughts so that I have more
grace for the soft spots wherethat stuff just needs to live.
Yeah, I figured out how I'mfiguring out how.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah, I definitely see a change there.
I definitely see a change therein you.
I I can't point exactly to whatit is, but I see a better maybe
not like overall happierdisposition, but I see a better
maybe not like overall happierdisposition, but I see better.
You know what?
Speaker 1 (12:07):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
I see you figuring it out and I'm just giving you the
space to figure it out and youkind of let me know what you
need.
And, similarly to what youtalked about, you know the
season that you're in.
I feel like I'm in a seasonwhere, not like I can fall back
because you didn't have ittogether, but so many of the
decisions that we had to make asa family, as a as business
(12:30):
partners require, like us,constantly checking in with each
other and making a mutualdecision.
I feel like I don't have to askyou.
Like even business wise, I canmake decisions for the business
without coming to you.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
I didn't always feel that way.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
You know, I felt like everything had to go like to
both of us and I just feel likeI've been able to fall back and
work on myself, because itwasn't like I didn't work on
myself because I didn't want to.
It's just hard.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
It's a lot to juggle at once.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
It's so much to juggle.
I'm busier than I've ever been.
I feel good about the decisionsthat I'm making and the things
that I'm taking on, but it is amuch busier life than I expected
.
I've been out of my job for twoyears.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
And the mentality back then was like hashtag soft
life, soft wife, soft girl, softmom Like I'm going to be
chilling, there ain't nothing.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Where's the soft?
It's heavy on the life.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
It's heavy on the life, heavy on the life, heavy
on the mood.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Light on the soft.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Light on the soft and I still want to be a good wife,
though you know what I mean.
I still want to be a good mom,like this business.
If this works out, this is whatwe're going to be able to give,
give back to our families whoare descendants.
Like this ain't no light.
You know what I mean.
This isn't something that I'mnot going to put my all into,
but, like in doing all of that,it's just like yo sis, like
(13:53):
where are you and all of this,and I find myself blaming you,
blaming the kids, blaming thebusiness, like even saying
sometimes like I don't even wantto do this, no more, damn and
you set me free telling me youblame me because I blame you too
, I mean, and then I'm like it'snot her fault.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
But yeah, man, I want to blame it on you.
So bad, because it just itmakes it easy nobody else to
blame, like it's you.
I ain't think about it likethat.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
You're the only other person there I mean, but it
kind of is it's your faultbecause why you had to go out
here and be famous and be doingall these moves and keep me with
them.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Kids, 24, it's your fault why you want a
self-identity like why can't youjust let me cook like dog, like
?
Why do you want things foryourself exactly that I have to
support?
Just let me worry about me dog.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
Nah, I understand wow , that's a real moment.
Yeah, thank you for saying that.
You set me free when you saidyou blame me.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
I'm like damn, because I be blaming you too I
just talk myself, listen backit's everybody's fault, okay I
dilute it with reality everybody, everybody's been catching else
, if I love you, you've beencatching it.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
I just haven't said it because it's petty and it's
my feelings.
It's not real life.
But is that what I'm doing?
Yo, everybody's taking l's inmy heart.
What?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
a Kevin boom, boom, everybody going to die.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
But in you know, I think, saying those feelings out
loud, and not only feelingthose things, but like
intentionally going to thepeople who I expected to be
there or expected to do certainthings that weren't necessarily
done, like being honest withthem about how I felt, not about
blaming part, but about the Imiss you, the feelings part yeah
, like I miss you.
I feel like I don't have anytime to hang out with my friends
like if I could, if I, if I didhave more time.
(15:35):
Like this is these are thethings I want to do with you, or
you know.
I mean like planning smallerthings.
So, like one of my best friends, she has two under two right
now and she's my ride or die.
I can call on her and anythingbut she's dealing with the kids.
She works for the feds.
Like it's a lot going on andwe've had to be really
intentional about the time thatwe spend, even if it's a voice
(15:59):
no, I mean 10 minute voice noteslike hey girl, I'm probably not
gonna talk to you for two weeks.
Let me tell you all the crazyshit happening in my life right
now.
You know, or like sometimes wemeet up.
We made up at nine o'clock pmjust to have one piece of wine
together, because we still up toone o'clock in the morning
stressing about our kids Mightas well be stressed with your
best friend on the couch sippingwine.
Like I think that's just alittle like it took so long to
(16:27):
get here, but like doing thoselittle things and I know you've
been hanging out with yourhomeboys a lot lately like that
has just been so good for me,like I didn't know that you can
do this but you hit the nail onthe head, though it's the
moderation piece.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
It's not the fact that you can't do it, it's just
that the way that you did itwhen you only had to worry about
you versus the way that you doit when all the responsibilities
are falling on top of you.
It's two different ways.
And the way that you can do itwhen the responsibilities are
falling on top of you is atruncated version of what you're
used to.
It's it's not the whole thing.
Like if you used to going tothe sub shop and getting you a
(17:00):
foot long.
That's the four inch joint thatthey give free for valentine's
day.
Like.
It's like.
You eat it and then you're like, damn, I wish there was more
and it.
I think it takes you a while ofeating a smaller portion of the
thing you were used to torealize that sometimes you don't
get full, you're just satisfiedfor the moment and it's
changing the goal.
But damn that, back doors untilthe thing that me and you
(17:22):
talking about with us.
Just realize that when you saidit because this friend she
talking about I saw heryesterday she was like I'm so
sorry I haven't seen you in awhile, stop I'm not that person,
yeah you got small kids, I gotsmall kids.
We've seen each other.
Right now, let's sit in thismoment because we, yeah, we, oh
man, I miss her so much, but Imiss you so much too I miss you
(17:42):
and I and I'm coming.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
I miss you.
I miss the you that we can betogether without all this stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
It's this, but in the stuff is changing me Like I
don't.
It's another Instagram video.
It's this British guy I hope wecan drop it and he's a
newscaster.
He says when you become a manhe said this is very important
for men friends like you, justwhen, when the marriage and the
kids responsibility falls on you, you don't get time with your
friends.
And I know we don't talk aboutthat as a society because we
(18:09):
frame men a very specific way,but you're not supposed to be
happy, no yeah, or you don'ttake care.
Men don't take care of theirfamilies.
What do you need to hang outwith your friends for?
That's, that's the portion thatyou're choosing to see.
I understand, but there is a.
There are a lot of us who areloved by women, who would love
for us to get out the house more.
And he says, to the day I die,you know, I will always remember
(18:32):
like there's nothing like beingon the train with your friends
and at 9 30 am the first of thebear he was like that will
forever do something.
The freedom, the world is yoursto explore.
You can do whatever you want.
There's no responsibilities.
And when he said that, he setme free because I'm like, damn,
the responsibilities arecrushing.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
They're crushing.
When we finish this, we got togo and pick up the kids.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
And I'm looking at the clock right now.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
I got to do like it's .
We're constricted by the lifethat we built.
Like it's yes, it's a home, butit is a f**k prison sometimes.
The marriage, it is a hearth,but it is a prison sometimes.
And it's not her fault, it'snot your fault, it's not your
fault, yeah, and it's not myfault, and it's not your.
How dare we want?
Speaker 2 (19:14):
to be successful and happy.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Yeah, how dare we yeah, we could just make this
joint be anything.
We see each other.
When we see each other, ain'tno pressure.
You go out and live.
You're doing nasty deeds.
I do my thing.
That's that's so easy?
Speaker 2 (19:27):
yeah, but what's the purpose of building this?
Speaker 1 (19:29):
if you're gonna do that, I don't know I could be
single and be single.
Why be single and be married?
Why go through all of this?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
and then you hurt people in the process including
yourself.
Including yourself and thenhate yourself while you're doing
it, because I never heardnobody.
Them stories with those men andthey always regret it.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Every time they always regret it.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
They always regret it .
Speaker 1 (19:53):
The women too.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Everybody.
You always regret it.
It's never worth it.
It is never worth it.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
So yeah, that's the season, man, and that's just
full transparency.
But I think one thing I see inyou is you're doing a good job
of well maybe this transitionsto the next thing we talk about
because I feel like I'm talkinga lot but you spent.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
You spent some bars, it's you the other day.
Speaker 1 (20:16):
This is a really good example of what we're talking
about.
So this month I don't know whenthis is on the post I'm gonna
say this month let y'all figureit out, you know uh, this month
I have a lot of speaking events.
I'm not home at all at all thismonth thankful for the speaking
events, but I think I got sixin a month like it's going crazy
and I just agreed to anotherone.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
That's right before one oh great so I don't know
about that gotta get to the bag.
Speaker 1 (20:41):
Um, but one of my homies called me and he and I
we're going fishing trips.
He got two kids, he married he.
We called me and he and I we goon fishing trips.
He got two kids, he married.
We just understand.
And I hit him up like bro, Igot a small window in next month
where I can do a fishing trip.
Let's set it up.
He said, bet, we put it on thecalendar.
I blocked it off and I kind ofjust told Noemi.
I said, hey, I'm doing afishing trip this time next
month.
(21:01):
She, she was like all right,because we don't really ask the
other.
Well, we do, but we're justcareful about making it seem
like a drag to just live yourown life.
And the next day I had adoctor's appointment.
Noemi called me.
You mind me telling?
Speaker 2 (21:13):
the story.
That's fine.
I forgot about it until youjust mentioned it.
I think it's on point with whatwe're talking about.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, so the next day , noemi to talk, I said, sure,
what's up?
And she basically tells me.
She says I kind of feel a wayabout the thing that happened
the other day.
You just made this plan and yougo fishing with your friends,
but I don't feel like youconsidered me Now backstory.
I told her hey, I think we needto make some room for you to
(21:41):
get some time away.
You need some time away from us,point blank.
And she said, yeah, okay, let'stalk about it, but in the grand
scheme of all the things wetalk about, we can't always hit
every point, and that was apoint that did not get hit in
the in the several weeks thatfollowed.
So she's saying yeah, I feel acertain kind of way because you
did that and I don't feel likewe're considering me here and I
(22:03):
don't know what she thought myresponse was going to be.
But remember what?
Speaker 2 (22:05):
I said that what did I say?
You're just like, okay, cool,let's, let's find some time in
the calendar.
Yeah, she was right.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
I said, all right, I'll be home in 35 minutes,
let's talk about it.
Speaker 2 (22:14):
Let's talk about it.
He was home and I was home in35 minutes and we talked about
it and we just talked about itand we set a day.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
She got a spa day, all the stuff.
Yeah, she got a spa day andshe's gonna have 24 hours in
this house by herself.
Me and the kids gonna stay inthe hotel room.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
We're going to school the next morning from the hotel
, yeah, so and, by the way, thereason why is because my house
is better than the hotel room,not because you about to be at
the four seasons shout out no,we're going to the courtyard,
but you know, sometimes peoplemight be like oh, why can't you
leave?
Speaker 1 (22:42):
I love my mom she better stay home, beautiful we
have a beautiful bathroom, abeautiful master bedroom.
And also you don't feelcomfortable staying at them
places.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yeah, I don't.
I feel like I'm going to getkidnapped.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, and I respect that.
I see that.
So we talked about it and thatcould have been a whole thing.
But one thing I told her afterthat whole thing concluded.
I said, hey, listen, this is.
I said, hey, listen, this is aweird space that I'm in with
responsibilities.
There's a lot of noise going onin my life right now and I'm
not always going to be able tosee what you need the most.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I need for you to be a fierce advocate for your own
wellness, right now that'sexactly what he said.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
If I don't see it, you have to say something or
assume I do not see it.
And she could have took that asyou don't care about me, you're
not paying enough attention tome, you're not attuned to my
needs.
And she didn't.
She said okay.
So the agreement we have isshe's a fierce advocate for her
wellness.
And the agree on my side of theagreement is, if she says she
needs time, we make it happen.
(23:41):
Yeah, we make it.
It's not a matter of if, it'sjust how.
How we're going to make ithappen, cool, let's make it
happen.
What is it going to look like?
And I think that's to me.
I thought you were right.
I say, yeah, you're right, wehaven't made time for this thing
.
It's not a contentious issue tome is what are we?
What are we going to do to makethis thing work?
And I can see how thatconversation can go left with so
(24:04):
many people and I can see howthat conversation can go left
with so many people.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
So can I, but I see how it affected our relationship
.
For that conversation to goright, I did not.
I don't see it I didn't tellyou about this, but when I tell
you it, it unlocked a trust thatI have in you now that I didn't
necessarily have before.
That moment, in the way thatthat conversation happened,
(24:27):
changed so much about how I livein our relationship.
Help me out, because I don't seeit sure, sure, I think like a
lot of times.
I hate to generalize, but Ialso hate not being authentic
sometimes.
But I just feel like mensometimes don't.
Just because things are, theyfeel like things are easier for
women to do versus them, thatit's easy period.
(24:48):
And it's not that we don'tadvocate for ourselves in
relationships sometimes.
Sometimes it's that because ourpartners don't see the things
that we need as that importantthat they don't prioritize it as
well.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I can see that.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
And I think with motherhood at least for me it's
so easy to become a martyr toyour motherhood experience.
So like, oh, I could take mytime, but my child needs this,
or the business needs this, ormy husband needs that, and it's
not even like big things.
But, like even before, I waslike maybe I shouldn't go to
this spa because it's going tocost too much money and I can
(25:22):
spend that money on somethingelse.
Like it took care to say like,not like.
I put the money aside for youlike what you, what you about to
do, spend ten thousand dollarslike no, like a spa day is a spa
day.
It's not cheap, but you don't,you know, I mean it's not
undoable if you don't plan forit.
I don't work this hard for younot to be that's what I'm saying
like come on, fam, um, and Ifeel like, because business has
(25:43):
been so crazy and so you focusthat a lot of times you didn't
see, not that you didn't see,but it was hard to prioritize
this thing when you have thismountain of things and in the
past you would have taken thatdefensively.
It would have turned into anargument.
This isn't who we are.
We're both shocked at the waythat it happened, because we've
seen how much we've grown and Ifeel like I was prepared for the
(26:10):
back and forth and when itdidn't happen I was like oh,
yeah, you sound as um.
Actually, I wasn't shocked atall like how you said we're both
shocked no I, I think you're atherapist and you see things a
mile away, miles away, because I, I don't we just we have
different amounts of forethoughtwith different stuff that is
absolutely true with conflict inour relationship.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
I have a tremendous amount of forethought.
I can.
I can see when it's coming.
I can feel when it's coming.
I know how to neutralize it.
I know when to pay attention.
I know when something's notimportant sometimes, yeah, but
it's yeah.
No, I, I wasn't shocked by itat all.
I was shocked, yeah, it feltlike you were expecting a battle
and I had no fight for you.
Yeah, you were right.
(26:51):
We didn't talk about the thingI said.
We want to talk about my bad.
Let's handle it.
There's no perfect time.
There's only the time we haveright now, so let's just do it.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
He's making a lot of sense.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
I'm still shocked, like my bad.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
You're absolutely right the part the kicker was
I'm coming home right now, let'stalk about it and look in the
calendar.
But, babe, like you've, I feellike you've been like this for a
while, but we haven't hadconflict in this way for a long
time, so, like we haven't, thelast time we had conflict for
real, for real, for real washawaii yeah, that was three
(27:27):
years, but you know it helpsbecause the difference between
hawaii and this and you maydisagree is I didn't feel
unfairly blamed for somethingthat I wasn't aware of okay, you
know I'm saying like it'shawaii, caught you off guard.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
It caught me off guard because I wasn't aware of
any accumulating stress.
I didn't see it, I didn't feelit here it made sense but you
didn't blame me, you just youtold me how you felt you led
with a.
I feel like this because we havenot this you didn't say, you
said you were gonna and youpromised, and then you didn't
dip into the bag of the paststuff, and because every time
(28:02):
this happened in the past here'sall the examples and I
understand how someone can feellike that's helpful.
By the way, you may think I'mtalking about a specific gender,
but I'm not, because everybodydo it, but that's not helpful,
because now I can't hear whatyou want.
I hear what you're doing, andwhat you're doing is you're
blaming me for something that Idon't feel is my fault.
(28:23):
So the space that I have whereI can kind of figure this out
with you collaboratively, Idon't have that because you
don't feel collaborative, youfeel adversarial.
So now I don't feel like I needto talk to you.
I feel like I need to protectmyself from this
characterization that you'reputting on me, that I do not see
.
You know, it's the.
That's where the blame thingdoes not work it doesn't work
(28:47):
and people it feels hopeful.
I just talked somebody throughthis in counseling.
I'm like I know this feels likeit's hopeful, but where's the
evidence that it's helping you?
And they were like it's not.
I'm like, yeah, let's trysomething different.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
But um, you sound like my therapist your therapist
is a beast.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
I never met her before, but she's a beast, yeah,
I didn't really, I didn'tremember.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
She told me to say that I talked about this
specifically in therapy and sheis called an eye.
Is it called something?
I statement yeah, so she mademe go through this exercise and
practice the eye statements thatI'm gonna good job knowing
these therapists and when yousaid, I said it like that.
It's like I didn't even realizeI was doing it and I need to
call her.
We need a session some people.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Some people tell me what their therapist saying.
I'm like, oh, your therapistsucks, but you, every time you
tell me some of the stuff yourtherapist says, my therapist a
dog don't ever let her go?
Speaker 2 (29:32):
no, I won't, she's a dog.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
She's nice with it yeah, she's incredible, just
from what you gave me back.
She, she knows what she's doing.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, she's a beast she's a psychotherapist, so
that's how like yeah she's abeast man.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
Your therapist is excellent, but yeah, I'm glad
that we avoided I was so readyto go back and forth with you
and the fact that you wanted tofight so bad I don't want to
fight.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
That's the thing.
I'm with you, listen, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, but I
don't want.
I don't want to fight with you.
I don't like to fight with you.
I don't.
You know, I don't like who I amwhen we get into petty
arguments, because that's not me.
You know what I mean and that'sjust my emotions and that's me.
Not putting names to the waysthat I feel and trying to
internalize everything.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
You know what?
That happens a lot with folks,man, where they turn their
internal inability to change ortouch or name the thing to
somebody else's problem.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
Yeah, that's why we started saying everybody was
catching l's in my life,everybody was catching them.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
That sucks, man society don't help, because
you're going instagram and allthe content is just farming for
victimization.
So bad.
You're such a victim of yourcircumstances.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Everyone's doing everything against you or your
friends aren't showing up foryou and friend break like yo,
maybe you're maybe you're toomuch y'all.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Maybe you're asking for too much're at.
Maybe you're too much y'all.
Maybe you're asking for toomuch from people.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Not you're too much, but you're asking for too much
from people right now or you'renot speaking up, you're not
saying words, like people don'tlive their own lives, are going
through their own real talk ifyou go through.
Some know that there are fivepeople going through 10 times
worse than you.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Everybody has their struggles everybody got their
struggles and not everybodycommunicates the same way and
you're not.
Your emotions are paramount,only in your mind.
Like other people are cool toconsider it, but it's not their
responsibility to all the time.
You need to be okay with thatfact and the idea that when they
can't consider you in themoment, that's not some type of
indictment on their level offriendship or their level of
(31:24):
camaraderie or who they are toyou.
Like hey, we just talking aboutthis with a therapy client.
Every time somebody doessomething that brings you
displeasure, when you begin tolabel them, you start to become
a hard person to be human around.
Like if I'm not totallyinterested in everything you
want to be interested in, or ifI cancel too many dates, or if
I'm not the the responsivefriend you need me to be in that
(31:45):
moment.
Now, all of a sudden, youpulling back and you know you
falling back and then notcommunicating.
People think, because they spittheir emotions out, that they
know how to communicate yeah, no, you're just expressive you're
a poor communicator.
Speaker 2 (31:58):
That is very emotionally expressive this is
in your course, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll put the link down for thewait list below.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
But he basically has a communication course for
couples.
But honestly, the more thatbecause I'm helping him, you
know, with some of the work withthat, the more that I'm reading
it and basically taking thecourse for free, I'm noticing
that it's like a really goodtactics for anybody like just
communication in general, likeyou just got to be.
if you're a good, a goodcommunicator period, you can be
(32:28):
a good communicator to yourpartner, to your friends, to
your family, to yourself and toyou that's the part where, if
you didn't care everybody elseand you didn't take care of you,
you feel to take care ofeverybody.
Speaker 1 (32:39):
But I know we're going off.
Yeah, let me go back to ournotes.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I liked where we were going yeah um, oh, this is a
good one, this is a good one,and I want I want you to answer
it for me and then I'll answerit for you, um, or vice versa,
whatever, but I wanted I want usto answer it for each other.
But it's like when did younotice that we both like this
was heavy and we both neededspace outside of like, like this
(33:04):
is everything that we're goingthrough.
It's not something I can helpyou with, it's not something
that you can help me with, whichis why you wanted me to be like
a fierce advocate for like whatI needed, right, and I guess,
like, when did you?
When did you realize?
It's like, okay, this isactually heavy and if we don't
do something about it, like wein some shit.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
That's a good question.
I noticed it, we in some.
That's a good question.
I noticed it.
I've been noticing it for a fewmonths, but a part of me was
just afraid to really wrap myarms around it, because then,
once I know something exists, Ifeel the responsibility to do
something about it and I'm aperson who needs to.
I'm an emotional person, so Ineed to feel my feelings before
I start moving or I move in adirection that's not true to how
(33:45):
I feel.
So I'm still in the part offeeling this whole thing and I
didn't want to move too quick.
So I want to say I've beenthinking about it for months but
it really dawned on me like inthe last couple of weeks where I
just started to feeldisconnected from you.
And it's like what's thedifference?
Why do I feel so disconnected?
And it's just stuff, in a way,and the more.
When I got some space to thinkaway from y'all.
(34:07):
I was like damn.
I feel different in thisenvironment where I don't have
all the stuff in my face.
It's like, oh, it's the stuff,it's the stuff and it's what was
the stuff for you.
Financial responsibility.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
We don't talk enough about financial.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Everybody talk responsibility.
We don't talk enough aboutfinancial.
Everybody talk about the soleprovider.
Yo man, it comes with somemental stuff and even when you
talk about money for, for theperson who left a job, what are
they supposed to ask you for?
Every penny?
Speaker 2 (34:35):
they get an allowance .
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Can I have a pittance , please?
More, sir.
You know it, the relationshipbecomes different that way.
But also, you can't just belike hey, just start swiping
just don't tell me the swipebecause I'm a swipe yeah, so I,
I gotta, you gotta, have that inmind, and I was talking to your
friend you're talking about,because we talked about when
someone's a sole provider andthat person was talking about
(34:57):
their partner and saying and I'mdang, we're going off on a
tangent because I want to askyou the same question but they
said you know, when someone isthe sole, the sole financial
provider, it's a mental pressure, like it changes.
It changes that personfundamentally.
And when she said that I waslike damn, yeah, it does,
because four people in a housewith two incomes the money
(35:18):
spends different than fourpeople in a house with one
income.
The money spends different.
Just think about toilet paper.
Think about toilet paper.
Think think about toilet paper.
How many people you got in yourhouse how many people, how many
butts you got in your house, youknow.
So I think that's when Irealized and I'm still coming to
the realization I'm just in theplace to do something about it?
Speaker 2 (35:37):
when did you realize?
Um, it's, it's kind of like anuncomfortable story, but I
realized it after reading a lotof the comments about how not
sad I looked.
But it was something to thetune of like I wasn't, I wasn't
happy, like people noticed thatI wasn't.
It was different than how I wasbefore.
(35:58):
And I think one of the thingsthat I love to do is I like to
scroll on my story, likewhenever I have like a whole
bunch of people, new peoplefollowing me, I always go and
scroll to see what would theysee if you were seeing me for
the first time?
And I saw like the drop off,like I saw like 2022, like not
boss, but confident.
You know, 23 was probably likemy highlight year.
(36:19):
24 was like oh, this is gettingreal.
And 25 so the end of 24, 25 hasbeen like am I happy?
Am I not happy?
I'm not who I like.
I don't feel like me anymoreand it's like.
I typically don't take commentsin general to heart, but when
there's truth in them and like II believe I'm a masker, I
(36:40):
believe I'm an internalizer, soit's like I felt like it wasn't
as tight as it used to be.
You know what I mean, likepeople are actually seeing the
crib was slipping.
Pretty much, pretty much, and Ifelt like people were seeing
what was actually, yes,happening in real time, but I
thought I was doing a good jobat hiding it.
So it's like it's one thing tolike.
I'm a type of person, I'm apower through, I'm a figure it
(37:02):
out, I'm a hustle my way through, and I'm in this new season
where I'm just I'm really tryingto be present.
I'm really just trying to feellife as it happens, Like I don't
want to be this old lady and Idon't know what life feels like,
because I'm trying to upholdlike a certain image or a
certain idea of myself, and Ijust, you know, I felt like the
audience knew me better than Iknew myself, and I've been
(37:25):
trying to to like understand howI'm feeling, and one of the
things that kept on coming upwas like these things that I
want to happen for me aren'thappening for me, and you know
the more I kind of looked intowhy that is the case.
When you were like, you know,when we were talking about the
whole I need a day thing, whenyou're like I need you to be a
fierce advocate, and it's like Iam.
(37:46):
You know what I mean.
I just didn't know that I couldin this season because of
everything that's happening, itfelt very selfish in the moment.
So for you, the person that Iwas, I was prepared to hear that
I was selfish.
I was prepared to hear that youknow, we're building this
business and this businessbelongs to both of us and this
is just a sacrifice we got tomake.
It's not personal, like I wasprepared to hear.
(38:09):
You just need to wait a littlebit longer before we can focus
on you, and I think for so longI expected that focus back on me
to look like it's somethingactive from you, not something
that I had the permission to beactive, you know for.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Dang, I didn't know that.
Let me.
In my communication with you,have there ever been moments
that you could think of where Iresponded that way?
Speaker 2 (38:33):
No, it's not so much that you respond in that way,
but you have responded in a waywhere the additional ask or the
additional space forconversation was just so heavy
and it was already heavy so it'snever that like I thought that
I wasn't important.
I just thought that you weregoing through so much that how
could I ask you, like it's heavyon you, the same way it's heavy
(38:56):
on me?
You know what I mean.
Like I just thought it was justpeople talk about in
relationships, where we havethese seasons where it's just,
you know, heavy, and I thoughtthis was that season.
So I've been preparing to be inthat season for the past couple
of months.
So the like drop off to do whatyou got to do was just really
unexpected and I think you knowmaybe I'm misinterpreting where
(39:19):
we were, but that's the feelingthat I got from you.
I got the feeling like it wasjust so heavy that like I don't
know if this is a good decisionanymore.
I don't know if this is, thislifestyle is sustainable, and
like while I think the businesshas the potential, like maybe we
just don't have the things thatit takes to hold that up.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
I see where you're coming from.
Yeah man, we look at that thingso differently because yeah,
it's always heavy, but to me, mything is, no matter how heavy
it is my.
My obligation always goes toyou, even above the kids.
I have a responsibility as aparent and I'm going to take
care of the babies, but I onlygot so much bandwidth for them.
(40:02):
Little bambas, the business.
We created this thing and Ihave an obligation to it, but I
only got so much bandwidth forit.
The business is separate fromme.
Being the therapist, I'veinvested a lot of time into this
.
I only got a certain amount ofbandwidth.
You're the only thing that Iwalked into a space with, fully
understanding that it's going tochange a million times.
(40:22):
I don't know what the change isgoing to look like, but I'm
dedicated to moving with it in away that makes sense for me and
makes sense for you.
So it's different, like you'rethe only family that I chose,
knowing exactly who you werewhen I got into it.
Them kids are surprised.
We know what they're going toend up like.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
We still don't know what you know I'm saying my
family of blood.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
You know what I'm saying y'all been was crazy too
I love them, but they, theycrazy as hell.
I didn't choose them, I justgot dropped off into their arms.
You know what?
I'm saying so it's just, it'sdifferent.
But, yeah, it is happy and no,I don't want to have those
conversations with you sometimes, but I think it's worth it and
I think I need to, and I willalways make space for yeah you
(41:01):
know.
But I understand theapprehension, man, it's.
I don't know it's.
It's so many factors, man like.
Even for the longest I thoughtI never been a happy wife, happy
life, kind of dude.
But the older I get, the moreI'm seeing how there's so many
men who just believe that theirfamily's happiness is their
happiness and they seem happybut really they're just kind of
(41:22):
content and then they morph intothese beings that don't feel
like they deserve things orhappiness or really have an
individual personality tothemselves.
And I can't be that like I'mnot.
I've been a dynamic personalitymy whole life.
I've been.
I'm never just one thing.
I've never been one thing and Ican't be relegated to that for
the happiness of other people.
(41:42):
But that doesn't mean I don'thave to meet the needs or you
know what I'm saying no,understood, I just I gotta, it's
learning to juggle both.
Actually, it's more than both.
It's learning to juggleeverything, and you drop the
ball sometimes.
Speaker 2 (41:58):
Yeah, and that's okay , yeah, it's all right, but you
gotta pick the joint back up youknow and just try again.
Speaker 1 (42:04):
That's the thing.
I'm only a quitter if I stoptrying.
It's crazy man, it's crazy, youreally got like if you want
marriage advice, make sure youlike that person love loving,
not in marriage.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
Loving make sure you like that person for real you
gotta like them as a human man.
Yeah, outside of you, outsideyou know what, speaking of that,
how you were saying, how you'rea dynamic person and you like
to be outside I don't like to beoutside as much as you.
No, no, I want to be outsideall the time with you, but like
when you're outside and you'refree and you know what I mean
like you let the day just kindof go where it goes, like you
(42:39):
always come back happier, likeit reminds me of the cure that I
fell in love with that was afreak, but the care you fell in
love with only was responsiblefor himself understood however,
it was a free man comma.
However, for so long I felt like, since you can't be that person
anymore, you'll never be thatkind of happy me too until now
(43:01):
yeah, you know what it is andyou said this at the top of the
episode.
Speaker 1 (43:04):
You said something about you don't feel like
yourself, and I always challengethat notion in my own head and
it falls alongside this notionof happiness that I have.
Where it's the question is lessdo I feel like myself and more
is less not feeling like myselfand more just unfamiliar with
this version of myself and youmay experience that where the
(43:28):
things that used to make youhappy don't make you happy
anymore and you feel like youjust got to press that button
hard.
If I do more of this thing,maybe I'll feel the happiness.
And I think what we fail torealize me, we being you and us
is that the button don't hit thesame because you're different
now, like that thing does not doit for you anymore, and then
you have to find another thingin your parenthood journey, your
(43:48):
personal journey, your marriage, all that, and I'm so different
yeah, yeah, what it takes totake care of me is different.
It's like I fell asleep when Ibecame a husband and father and
I'm starting to wake up and Ithink I'm the same person since
before that coma.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
Nah, bro I want you to speak a little bit more about
finding this new version ofyourself and reconciling who,
who, that person- I want you totalk about it too, because I
want to see what you're goingthrough, so I can you know um,
but where I wanted to go is Ireally I really want to touch on
briefly before we end, is howdo we connect it back to us?
Speaker 1 (44:22):
I think we talked what I want to touch on you
briefly, oh my god, my God, growup, sir.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
I got to go.
I got to go in like 10 minutes.
That's all we got.
Oh, you're making meuncomfortable.
I was going to talk about howdisconnected how we've been and
how we can connect it back to us, but it seems like that's not
an issue.
So what was the question?
Speaker 1 (44:47):
well, that portion, that's one portion we haven't
been disconnected in I feel likewe have really yeah, for real
yeah I would say how so, but Idon't know if we want to have
that.
Speaker 2 (44:58):
No, I'll be keep it yeah yeah, it's just um.
Sometimes I feel like I'm achore like I'm talking about
sexual.
Speaker 1 (45:06):
Oh, I'm not talking about that.
That's what I was talking about.
That's not what jesus woman Iwas talking about emotional
disconnection oh yeah, I feelemotionally, yeah, I mean I feel
that makes sense I don't feelsexually disconnected that's
what I'm saying.
That's like the one spot,that's one of the tenets of our
relationship.
Speaker 2 (45:20):
I think, like any, any, anything that we talk about
, listen I'm when that might gethit.
Speaker 1 (45:26):
Listen we on that to wrap this.
Speaker 2 (45:28):
I don't even care what we're talking about anymore
.
I got things to do, but um,sexual disconnection is not
something that I ever feel Ithink that's just natural that
that.
That has a lot to do with how wegot together, how we stay
together, how we going to betogether, like I think that's
just a department that's notreally of concern and it's not
(45:50):
hard.
It's not hard for us.
We're very connected naturallythere.
But I feel like the emotionalconnection is what takes work
and the reason why there's noresentment.
There is, I think, because wehave grace, we're emotionally
intelligent.
You know what I mean.
But I also think we, we haveemotion, high emotional iqs.
I can recognize when.
I can recognize when somethingisn't about me, but it doesn't
(46:11):
mean it doesn't affect me.
So it's like there comes apoint where it's like, okay, I
get it, you know this isn'tabout me.
I might be feeling some type ofway about x, y and z, but then
then there's a point where it'slike, well, I'm no, we, I don't
want this to continue, or maybehe's not aware that this is
happening.
So let's talk about it.
Which is why, like theconversation earlier that we
talked about came up.
But the emotional disconnection, I don't feel it as much now,
(46:34):
but I felt it for a long timebefore now and I think it kind
of goes back to the heaviness.
I think it also goes back tolike you really killing it
business side, like on top ofyour cause, on top of your
responsibilities, like you'vedefinitely leveled up as a
businessman, and I think thatjust took a lot of your energy.
Speaker 1 (46:52):
And.
Speaker 2 (46:52):
I think that you're really good at knowing.
Okay, this requires a lot of mytime, this doesn't require as
much, but let me do something tosustain it here.
Like, I know that lifeshouldn't be a balance, but the
way that it is similar tobalancing you're good at.
You're good at.
You're good at that, and Ithink that I maybe wasn't, um,
(47:14):
clear enough about what I neededfrom you emotionally, but there
there was a disconnection.
I needed more and you thoughtwe were good, but I didn't want
to bring it up, Cause it wasn'tthat we're bad, it's just that,
like, hey, I need more time fromyou, but I know you have no
time.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
That's such a tough place to be.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
And I, like I said, I don't feel like that anymore
because I think I also wasrelying.
I was relying on you to fulfilla lot of some emotional needs
that I can figure out myself.
So it's just like now.
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