December 27, 2020 • 31 mins
This week we have some more really good tips for you and we even get a little Zenned out. We talk about if someone says they're 'not....' something, they probably are. We also talk about trust and experience. We also talk about minimalism and for more information on that there's an awesome book called Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, be sure to check that out.
Special thanks to Wax Mustang for our into and outtro music - Powerball
......
I always appreciate any support ; D
https://www.patreon.com/TSSLpodcast
paypal.me/TSSLpodcast
Thank you!! - Nathan. : D
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:25):
Baby away from the body I'm thinking much in the big
scene for the Powerball we coulddo it on demand
with the winning your newestgames off of sheets sing along,
man. And just when it couldn'tget better, she talked to me and
saying you got the chin. Ah, yougot the juice. You have the
bison. You talk in a walk in theright way sundown on a highway
(00:48):
know the feeling baby yo.
Welcome back to another episodeof this social skills lab.
I'm your host, Nathan AmentEpisode Number 14.
What's today, December 27 2020.
(01:09):
We're just about to wrap up theyear.
It's been an interesting era.
So last week, we talked about alittle bit about storytelling,
went over some tips and stuff.
Something I mentioned on therewas
if you are having trouble comingup with good stories you might
need to leave, have a moreinteresting life. And that's
(01:34):
true. But another way you canalso jump into conversation is
just by being well learned. Solike learning about a bunch of
different topics and stuff likethat. All hear stuff on, like
interesting stuff on podcasts,and I'll start telling people
about what I heard. Just likeanother way of telling stories
is just,you know, being interested in
bunch of different topics andstuff like that.
(01:58):
So that's another way. But yeah,you should ask also have an
interesting life and also helpswith telling stories and stuff
like that, or just, you know, alot of know a lot interesting
facts and stuff.
And then all these knowingstuff. And then knowing
interesting facts and stuff likethat, that you can share with
people or at least in thecontext of the conversation, at
(02:19):
least try to keep it in thecontext, for the most part. And
then if you are also, you know,have like some life adventures
that are also you can talk topeople about, they're usually
just jumping off points to otherconversations. So not everything
has to be the main topic, youcan just be a jumping off point,
just be a good listener. Andthat'll usually help you keep
(02:43):
the conversation going.
I thought we were just talkingabout some discipline, writing
down some tips and stuff likethat.
No, like major themes to reallyjump off here. Something that I
was looking listening to one ofthe older, older podcasts.
(03:03):
I saw, I saw a post someone didon the social skills subreddit.
It said something like how doyou learn to trust people? Or
how do you trust people? And Ihaven't really thought about
that for a long time. But yeah,I mean, early on, it was hard to
know who to trust. I think asI've gotten older, and I've
(03:28):
really worked on my owncharacter, trying to be be more
trustworthy myself. Just livingyour life with a
more positive character. Andalso, you know, kind of doing if
you say you're gonna dosomething, make sure you do it,
you know, follow through, themore you are trustworthy
yourself, I think it's easier tospot bullshit from someone else.
(03:56):
I'm not sure how it works, butyour radar just seems to pick up
on that stuff. So I rememberwhen I was like 19 years old, I
wanted to move out. So I metthis guy at my job. And I didn't
even really know him that long.
And I knew him for about twoweeks. And I was telling him
that I was looking for a placeto move out. He's like, Oh, hey,
(04:17):
I broke out. I just broke upwith my girlfriend. And she
moved out. So if you want tomove in, you can move in there.
And I was like, Yeah, that'llwork. And
I just, you know, I just trustedthe guy. So I moved in and
within like, one week, he madeup with his girlfriend, and his
(04:39):
girlfriend and his girlfriend,or his girlfriend and his kid
move back in. So it was likefour of us in a small apartment.
AndI mean, I was cool with it at
first but then after a while,I'm like, this guy's just kind
of a douchebagI don't know he's just being
kind of a dick. I think hewanted me to move out at that
point. Just because it'sGirlfriend moved back in, but
(05:02):
I don't know, it just likeopened my eyes to like, hmm,
gotta be a little morediscerning on people's
character, you know, and I kindof this guy just kind of put off
this vibe. And I didn't reallyunderstand it till later that,
Oh, this is kind of like shadyguy vibe, I shouldn't be more
aware of that. He kind of doeslearn that stuff with
(05:22):
experience. But I would say, ifyou have really good character,
and if you're a very trustworthyperson, it's easier to pick up
on low character traits or redflags from other people. You
know, and it just takes time toyou'll learn as you get older,
you know, just be very clearwith your intentions, make sure
you communicate what you'rewilling to accept and what
(05:45):
you're willing to and when andwhat you're not willing to
accept. Because people arebasically
going to walk all over you, ifyou let him, you just have to be
very clear about your position.
You don't have to be like angryor defensive about it just be
clear. Something that I wasthinking about the other day
(06:06):
was, you know, since we're allkind of in lockdown, or
whatever, I know, it must bepretty difficult to work on your
social skills.
I've mentioned this before, andother other shows. I mean, I
basically started the podcast ina pandemic. So
it's been a weird, trying towork on your social skills. And
(06:29):
I've kind of been thinking abouthow,
how easy? Well, it wasn't easy,but how much how easier it was
to go out and practice. I mean,you could go out anywhere and
just start talking to peoplepretty much.
But in a pandemic, it's a lotmore challenging. But there's
always situations where you're,you're gonna be in a situation
(06:53):
where you're talking to someone,and in every situation where
you're talking to someone is asituation where you can be
working on your social skills,whether it's like learning to
talk slower, working on yourvocal tonality working on your
icontact, working on yourlistening skills, these are all
things that are going to applyin every situation. So I'd say
(07:13):
that the main thing is for me,nowadays, as far as talking to
new people is talking to peoplein customer service. Because
like, people, cashiers, youknow, it's people at work or
whatever. It's, I'm stilltalking to a lot of people every
week, just not in necessarilysocial situations, but still
(07:34):
talking to people and people arestill people
matter what, you know, andespecially if they're at work,
people at work, especially rightnow, they're pretty stressed
out. So if you can dislike, youknow, chat him up and just give
him a little quick conversation.
Ask them how their day is goingor whatever. It's a big thing
even. I remember I wasand we went to this coffee shop
(07:55):
pretty regularly, regularly inSacramento. And there was this
place I went to a lot is calledtemple, really good coffee.
And there was this one time Iwent there pretty late at night,
I think it was like nine or 10o'clock at night. There was a
barista working there. And Idon't know, I guess I just
(08:18):
chatted her up and was like,pretty friendly or whatever.
But then like, a month later, Iended up dating her for a while.
And she, one of the first timesI went over to her place, she's
like, hey, I want to show yousomething. And she showed me her
journal. And it said in therethat she showed me the night
(08:41):
that I first came in. And itsaid something like this guy
came in, he was really nice andfunny. And it really made my it
really made my night. So I washaving a real terrible day. I
was like, holy cow. That'scrazy.
I mean, I was just beingfriendly and nice and stuff and
chatted her up. More than than,you know, more than the usual.
Hi, how's it going? I want toorder this. Thank you. Alright,
(09:04):
thanks, you know,just being wrong human human
conversation.
And it obviously made such animpact that she wrote it down in
her journal. And it really blewmy mind that
I could have an effect like thaton someone. So I mean, it was
just pretty cool.
(09:24):
You never know who you'retalking to you or you never know
how your conversations reallygonna affect someone. So
one of my main points on thiswas to make sure you're using
the opportunities that arethere. I think
in a normal situation, you canliterally go to a shopping mall.
(09:46):
Make it a point to walk intoevery single shop and just chat
up the person that's workingthere. You know, like
I remember I was in this likenovelty store and there was song
Like, a lot of monogrammed likeglasses and pens and stuff. And
they had this.
(10:06):
They had this paperweight. And Iwas just joking with the person
that work there aboutabout like, who would buy a
paperweight? I'm like, I'm like,you know, it's really not that
windy in myit's really not that windy in my
bedroom. I don't know, do youhave any smaller paperweights
that are like for less wind, Idon't know, I was just joking
around about the paperweight,but they were cracking up. And
(10:27):
so you could literally go intoevery single store, store after
store just like chat up someone.
That's a real fine line, though,of like holding someone hostage
in a conversation they don'twant to be in. So keep it short.
You'll know if they're enjoyingthe conversation. But just to
(10:48):
get the practice, you canliterally go into store after
store because customer servicepeople for one, they're really
paid to be relatively nice tocustomers. So they're going to,
they're not going to be like anasshole to for one. And you can
just you know, they might be sobored, they might welcome a
little bit of conversation. Younever really know. But just be
(11:11):
pay attention and body language.
If they're trying, if they don'twant to be in that conversation.
Don't force them. But my pointis that you can really get a lot
of practice in this by going toa mall. And talking to every
single customer service personin the mall. It can be the
briefest thing, even if it'slike Excuse me, do you know
(11:31):
where theDo you know where the restroom
is?
Just the fact that you walkedup, started a conversation with
someone you don't know, it's it,it will all add up after a
while. So just be nice tocustomer service people. They're
basically one of the few peoplethat you can practice with right
now in a pandemic situation.
(11:54):
Something that I was thinkingabout, I wanted to mention was,
I've noticed that it happensless so now. But I remember when
I was younger.
I was I started making somefriends at a new school. And
very quickly, I noticed thatpeople would say,
like, if someone else wasbrought up, they're like, Oh,
(12:15):
yeah, that person, that doucheor that person, an asshole or
whatever, they would saysomething negative about the
other person, and you'deventually meet that person.
I learned pretty quickly thatanytime someone said something
bad about someone else, itwasn't necessarily true. In
fact, it probably.
In fact, it was pretty goodchance that they actually might
be pretty cool.
(12:39):
So, um,I just learned to whenever
someone's let's talk negativeabout someone that I didn't
know, never, I would never letit
I would just let it roll off me,you know, you take a note of it.
Maybe for heard it, like from 20different people might be true.
But a lot of times it was justbecause those two person, those
(12:59):
two people had a beef. Like Iwould never really judge a
person on something that someoneelse said. So anytime someone
says something about someoneelse, just be careful not to let
it affect how you actuallyrelate to that person, because
they actually might be prettycool.
I've actually had a lot offriends that didn't get along
with other friends when I waslike younger, much less. So now
(13:22):
a lot of my friends get alongtogether now. Which is pretty
cool.
But I definitely remember when Iwas younger, there was a lot of
shit talking, just don't believeany of it. And don't do the shit
talking yourself. Like I saidit's a waste of time.
Another thing I heard,and I really tried to
(13:45):
practice it's not necessarilyvery easy, is
it was also afraid to somethinglike talk about the things you
want. And don't talk about thethings you don't want.
And I'll actually hear this comeup a lot, usually from other
people, they'll start talkingabout things
(14:07):
that are, I don't know, I wish Ihave a really good example of
this.
I guess I can't really think ofa good example for right now.
Maybe in the next episode, I'llthink about it more. I think
examples are a really good wayof relating the context of what
I'm talking about. But I'd saylike, if you really pay
attention to someone who'sreally negative, they are
(14:28):
constantly talking about thethings that don't want. And if
you listen to someone who's likealways in a really good mood,
and is very positive.
They are talking about thethings that they do want. So if
you want to be a negativeperson, that's a good way to
talk about the things you don'twant like talking about.
(14:51):
I don'tlike if you're worried about
your your boss is gonna fire youand you keep talking about why
why do you think your bossis gonna fire you or soon or lay
you off soon or something likethat, that's basically talking
about the things you don't want.
And just by talking about itwill put you in a headspace that
will kind of like manifest a lotof times it will, it'll manifest
(15:13):
itselfjust by you constantly focusing
your attention on it, becauseyou'll keep on looking for
things that prove that it's kindof like a psychological trick.
So talk about the things youwant, avoid talking about the
things you don't want, that wasa tough one for me, because I
was doing that a lot.
But it's really made a bigdifference by
(15:35):
really putting the effort intodoing that.
Another thing I've noticed,especially lately is
don't try to control situations,it's really hard when you have
like a group of people or oneother person trying to like,
it kind of always collaboratingwith someone on something, and
(15:57):
it's easy to try to take toomuch control, I really try to be
more than let things roll, theway they're gonna roll,
sometimes guiding it sometimestrying to like, you know, lead a
little bit, but for the mostpart, things are kind of going
to go their own way. So youmight as well not try to like
force, things to go a certainway. Because a lot of times,
(16:19):
especially if you'recollaborating with people,
other people see thingsdifferent differently than the
way you see it. So they mighthave a better idea, or have more
experience in something. So alot of times, it's good to just
let things go their own way.
Actually, let me totally tellyou about this, I'm not sure if
(16:40):
it's projected or not. But Iheard this that anytime someone
says they're not somethingthey actually probably are, for
example, if someone is veryupset about is pretty upset with
someone, and they're telling youthe story, like let's say money
was involved. And they saysomething like it's not it's not
(17:04):
even about the money.
It's probably about the money.
Or someone says, I don't carewhat they think
they probably care what theythink, even if they're not even
aware of it. Just the fact thatthey stated it. They stated a
(17:25):
negative means that it's ontheir mind. So I thought that
was pretty interesting, becausepeople do this a lot. They'll
say they're not something like,Oh, I'm not jealous. It's like,
well, you don't even have to sayit. Why would you even say it?
You know? So just be aware ofwhen people say that catch it.
It's really interesting. I catchit all the time when people say
(17:47):
that, and it gives me like alittle insight to their
psychology. Oh, they're actuallyare kind of being affected by
this? Because they just saidthey're not.
And especially be aware of yousaid, because if you say it,
really think about it, catchyourself when you say it, catch
yourself when you say it andthink about it, like okay, maybe
(18:08):
this actually is affecting me inthis way.
It's, it's a really cool tip. Ilearned a while back. And for
the most part, it seems likeit's pretty true. There's this
tip I heard in one of the books,Dale Carnegie,
How to Win Friends and it's inkind of that title so long, How
to Win Friends and InfluencePeople by Dale Carnegie. Really
(18:32):
good book. It's like the firstbook I read on social skills.
It's good, I read it twice, Iread it three times. It's one of
those books where you read it.
And then you should read itagain in like six months and
then again in like a year. Andprobably again in like two
years, you're really gonna get alot out of it. There's just so
(18:53):
much so much information abouthaving better communication
skills, and interpersonalskills. But one of the things
that I rememberhe had this tip called don't
play topper. I think that's whatI think that's why he said it.
Don't play topper like you'retrying to top someone. And what
he's saying is like, if someoneis telling you a story,
(19:15):
don't try to Don't try torespond to it by saying a story
where you are saying basicallywhat they said but even better.
Okay, let me so let me tell youa story, that I kinda remember
this kind of happens a lot.
And you'll catch it quite a bit.
Especially once you learn aboutit, you'll start seeing it
(19:37):
happen a lot. And it's basicallythe main point is that someone
is trying to relate to someoneby telling them their their own
story.
So but it actually breaks breaksa connection, because they don't
realize they're actually tryingto tell them like let's just say
for example, someone says, Oh, Iwent fishing last weekend and I
(19:58):
caught I caught upI got a 12 inch rainbow trout.
And they're like, oh, where'dyou go? Oh, I went over to
Crystal Lake. Oh yeah, I wasthere two weeks ago, I caught a
16 inch, blah, blah, blah. Sothey're basically tell them they
cut a bigger fish that'sbasically playing topper.
(20:19):
So like I remember one time Iwas with my friends.
And they were talking about, Ithink some hotel they had stayed
at, or some place that they theylived at. I was like in
Colombia. And they're tellingthem about like, the hotel they
were at. And like my friendsaid, Oh, I was at the hotel, I
said in the, in the suite orsomething like that. But he's
(20:40):
basically inadvertently justtrying to talk to guys story.
And it didn't add to the storyat all, it kind of just broke
the story up, it did kind oflike kill the energy of the
story. And he obviously hedidn't know what he was doing.
He's probably never heard oftopper, but I could see it
clearly.
And I could tell you, it happensa lot people do it a lot. A lot
(21:02):
of times I am about to do it. Irealize I'm about to do it. And
so I justI catch myself and I don't do
it. And I noticed that the whatI was about to say, really
didn't add to the story.
It was me trying to keep theconversation going. But it was
really not necessary. It wasn'tgonna endear me in any way to
(21:24):
this person, even though subtlythat was kind of like the goal
of trying to say a toddlerstory. But it doesn't it does
the exact opposite. So avoiddoing that at all costs.
I remember hearing the story ofMaximus,
he was you know, from Gladiator,I guess there was like, either a
(21:49):
real person a Maximus, or it'skind of based on someone. But in
this book, when they weredescribing him, they were
describing him ashe was a serious guy, but he
could definitely be in a goodmood and tell jokes and stuff
like that he can also be, youknow, not so serious kick back.
He never saw anyone as beingabove him or being below him.
(22:14):
And I think that's a, an awesomeway to
see someone who's very mature,they don't see other people as
above them, and they don't seeother people as being below
them. And I tried toI tried to relate to people that
way people I don't know, becauseit's easy to be judgmental, it's
easy to think that someone islower class than you, you know,
(22:35):
like a homeless person. Orsomeone is like,
I don't know, like, like, if yougo to a fancy club, like people
in the VIP, they might bewearing suits, and, you know,
bottles of crystal or whatever.
Easy to see that, Oh, those guysare doing better than me or
whatever. So don't, don't evertry not to anyways, see other
(22:56):
people as being above you orbelow you. Because it's just on
a huge, deep psychological, youknow, we all have human brains,
we all have the capacity to begreat in our own way. You can
just relate to people better ifyou if you see people as you
know, on the same level as you.
(23:18):
However, however that is heardthe other thing that I thought
was pretty good. It said, if youwant to know what someone's
going to do, just look at whatthey have been doing. Me
personally, I kind of use thisin the context of
people that are kind of like,not living up to my
(23:39):
expectations. Like, let's say Ihave a co worker who's
constantly just not really doingthat great of a job. If I have
to work with him in like on abig job. I'm like, Well, I told
him to get this and this. Icould assume he's gonna bring it
(23:59):
or maybe I should just send hima text to remind him because
like, no, now he's probablygonna get it even though he's
been constantly screwing up. I'mlike, Oh, no, he'll probably do
it. Get to the job. And he likeforgot to grab that.
Soare like if you're working on a
group project with people,someone's just not pulling their
weight and you're like, man,well, maybe in the last couple
(24:20):
days, they'll get it together.
I found it to be a usefula useful guide is to
your basically you're going toexpect what they've been doing,
hoping that they're going toturn it around at the last
minute. usually doesn't pan out.
I really do think people canchange in vast ways, but it's
(24:43):
not very common. Unfortunately.
I kind of use that as a guidewhen I'm like, should I loan
this guy money. I mean, he neverpays back his debts.
They can be very convincing.
Some people can be veryconvincing that they're going to
be. They're going to be comingthrough Johnny this time. But
(25:06):
unfortunately, like I said, youcan just look what they've been
doing and get a pretty goodguide of what's going to happen.
I think I'm just going to end onthis. Something I heard from
some kind of Zen teaching was totalk about the three treasures
(25:26):
talks about the three treasures,the three treasures which
everyone possesses.
And those are patientssimplicity and compassion,
patience, simplicity andcompassion.
Patients I mean, that's prettyobvious. If you want to work on
your patients, you can reallywork on your patients like I
(25:49):
told you before, I drove in theslow lane for a month
and I drew I had to drive a lotfor work. So driving the slow
lane for a month was verychallenging, especially the
first day but after thatactually wasn't too bad. You
don't even really notice itafter a while but it really
helped me with my patients. Itreally helped me with my road
(26:10):
rage. Other ways you canpractice patience is just by
meditating and stuff like that.
simplicity, simplicity.
I think being simple in yourcommunication, being a
minimalist, I've tried to adopta minimalist way of life I tried
(26:30):
to not buy a lot of stuff. Idon't like a lot of clutter.
There was a book called clearyour clutter with Fung Shui I
really got into like Fung Shuiespecially in my in my in my
living space. It's just a goodaesthetic for design. But it's
also it helps you clear yourmind. Like it went down to the
(26:52):
basics like look at your wallet.
How much stuff do you have inyour wallet? Do you have like a
George Costanza wallet which isnothing but like receipts and
old like business cards clearedout clear all this stuff out
that you don't need. It's a it'sa long process but be a
minimalist. I'll put a link tothat clear your clutter with
Fung Shui. At first it was thefirst book that opened my eyes
(27:15):
to what minimalism was and FungShui was and I really got into
it. And I think it just helps mehaving a clear space helps clear
your head. Like your, your spacearound you is a reflection of
what's going on in your head. Soif you're if your room is a
mess, you probably have a muchin jumbling thoughts come in
(27:37):
through your head. So you knowworking on both the your, your
living space a lot trying tolike pare down get rid of stuff
you don't need.
It's really going to help you alot I'll put a link to that book
in the description of thepodcast. And then also I read a
(27:57):
couple other books on Fung Shuibut that was definitely one of
the best ones. It's real smallbook. I saw it at Jamba Juice
one day and I started flippingthrough it and then I ended up
buying it I actually bought twocopies I got one from my mom.
She really liked it too. And sheended up cleaning up our place
to I was actually surprisedit really really made a big
(28:18):
differenceand then compassion the last of
the three treasures so we gotpatients simplicity and
compassion, compassion. Like Isaid, just you know treat people
likethe way you'd want to be treated
yourself. I'm just gonna letthat one sit with you I don't
want to get into like you knowobvious
(28:43):
be nice to people I mean it'skind of obvious right? Maybe
just be nicer to people. Right?
Let's I guess I'll justleave you that with that those
three treasures patiencesimplicity and compassion and
hope you guys have an awesomenew year's and I'll be talking
to you guys soon. Have a goodone Don't
(29:11):
be feeling the effects of a pastlife from a past life took the
right path from the wrong nightto Japan sauce taking this right
what a bizarre like a pull up acar ride it's a Mustang with the
beats Where have you seen himwhat it look like? Oh women and
take for granted Milan and againin issue for the moon in the
(29:33):
stars numerous broth beautifulbeing the Godfather key to
be two people with the luckyyoung linen and the nice to see
the breast out. So now I'mthinking that life is better
with buddy you bet on thebrother You win in a tank tops
with the eight ball andif it wasn't for you, we could
beIf it wasn't the EU, we could be
(30:05):
shame. It's a damn shame.
Baby away from the body I'm thinking much in the big
scene for the Powerball we coulddo it on demand
with the winning your newestgames off of sheets sing along,
man. And just when it couldn'tget better, she talked to me and
saying you got the chin. Ah, yougot the juice. You have the
bison. You talk in a walk in theright way sundown on a highway
(00:48):
know the feeling baby yo.
Welcome back to another episodeof this social skills lab.
I'm your host, Nathan AmentEpisode Number 14.
What's today, December 27 2020.
(01:09):
We're just about to wrap up theyear.
It's been an interesting era.
So last week, we talked about alittle bit about storytelling,
went over some tips and stuff.
Something I mentioned on therewas
if you are having trouble comingup with good stories you might
need to leave, have a moreinteresting life. And that's
(01:34):
true. But another way you canalso jump into conversation is
just by being well learned. Solike learning about a bunch of
different topics and stuff likethat. All hear stuff on, like
interesting stuff on podcasts,and I'll start telling people
about what I heard. Just likeanother way of telling stories
is just,you know, being interested in
bunch of different topics andstuff like that.
(01:58):
So that's another way. But yeah,you should ask also have an
interesting life and also helpswith telling stories and stuff
like that, or just, you know, alot of know a lot interesting
facts and stuff.
And then all these knowingstuff. And then knowing
interesting facts and stuff likethat, that you can share with
people or at least in thecontext of the conversation, at
(02:19):
least try to keep it in thecontext, for the most part. And
then if you are also, you know,have like some life adventures
that are also you can talk topeople about, they're usually
just jumping off points to otherconversations. So not everything
has to be the main topic, youcan just be a jumping off point,
just be a good listener. Andthat'll usually help you keep
(02:43):
the conversation going.
I thought we were just talkingabout some discipline, writing
down some tips and stuff likethat.
No, like major themes to reallyjump off here. Something that I
was looking listening to one ofthe older, older podcasts.
(03:03):
I saw, I saw a post someone didon the social skills subreddit.
It said something like how doyou learn to trust people? Or
how do you trust people? And Ihaven't really thought about
that for a long time. But yeah,I mean, early on, it was hard to
know who to trust. I think asI've gotten older, and I've
(03:28):
really worked on my owncharacter, trying to be be more
trustworthy myself. Just livingyour life with a
more positive character. Andalso, you know, kind of doing if
you say you're gonna dosomething, make sure you do it,
you know, follow through, themore you are trustworthy
yourself, I think it's easier tospot bullshit from someone else.
(03:56):
I'm not sure how it works, butyour radar just seems to pick up
on that stuff. So I rememberwhen I was like 19 years old, I
wanted to move out. So I metthis guy at my job. And I didn't
even really know him that long.
And I knew him for about twoweeks. And I was telling him
that I was looking for a placeto move out. He's like, Oh, hey,
(04:17):
I broke out. I just broke upwith my girlfriend. And she
moved out. So if you want tomove in, you can move in there.
And I was like, Yeah, that'llwork. And
I just, you know, I just trustedthe guy. So I moved in and
within like, one week, he madeup with his girlfriend, and his
(04:39):
girlfriend and his girlfriend,or his girlfriend and his kid
move back in. So it was likefour of us in a small apartment.
AndI mean, I was cool with it at
first but then after a while,I'm like, this guy's just kind
of a douchebagI don't know he's just being
kind of a dick. I think hewanted me to move out at that
point. Just because it'sGirlfriend moved back in, but
(05:02):
I don't know, it just likeopened my eyes to like, hmm,
gotta be a little morediscerning on people's
character, you know, and I kindof this guy just kind of put off
this vibe. And I didn't reallyunderstand it till later that,
Oh, this is kind of like shadyguy vibe, I shouldn't be more
aware of that. He kind of doeslearn that stuff with
(05:22):
experience. But I would say, ifyou have really good character,
and if you're a very trustworthyperson, it's easier to pick up
on low character traits or redflags from other people. You
know, and it just takes time toyou'll learn as you get older,
you know, just be very clearwith your intentions, make sure
you communicate what you'rewilling to accept and what
(05:45):
you're willing to and when andwhat you're not willing to
accept. Because people arebasically
going to walk all over you, ifyou let him, you just have to be
very clear about your position.
You don't have to be like angryor defensive about it just be
clear. Something that I wasthinking about the other day
(06:06):
was, you know, since we're allkind of in lockdown, or
whatever, I know, it must bepretty difficult to work on your
social skills.
I've mentioned this before, andother other shows. I mean, I
basically started the podcast ina pandemic. So
it's been a weird, trying towork on your social skills. And
(06:29):
I've kind of been thinking abouthow,
how easy? Well, it wasn't easy,but how much how easier it was
to go out and practice. I mean,you could go out anywhere and
just start talking to peoplepretty much.
But in a pandemic, it's a lotmore challenging. But there's
always situations where you're,you're gonna be in a situation
(06:53):
where you're talking to someone,and in every situation where
you're talking to someone is asituation where you can be
working on your social skills,whether it's like learning to
talk slower, working on yourvocal tonality working on your
icontact, working on yourlistening skills, these are all
things that are going to applyin every situation. So I'd say
(07:13):
that the main thing is for me,nowadays, as far as talking to
new people is talking to peoplein customer service. Because
like, people, cashiers, youknow, it's people at work or
whatever. It's, I'm stilltalking to a lot of people every
week, just not in necessarilysocial situations, but still
(07:34):
talking to people and people arestill people
matter what, you know, andespecially if they're at work,
people at work, especially rightnow, they're pretty stressed
out. So if you can dislike, youknow, chat him up and just give
him a little quick conversation.
Ask them how their day is goingor whatever. It's a big thing
even. I remember I wasand we went to this coffee shop
(07:55):
pretty regularly, regularly inSacramento. And there was this
place I went to a lot is calledtemple, really good coffee.
And there was this one time Iwent there pretty late at night,
I think it was like nine or 10o'clock at night. There was a
barista working there. And Idon't know, I guess I just
(08:18):
chatted her up and was like,pretty friendly or whatever.
But then like, a month later, Iended up dating her for a while.
And she, one of the first timesI went over to her place, she's
like, hey, I want to show yousomething. And she showed me her
journal. And it said in therethat she showed me the night
(08:41):
that I first came in. And itsaid something like this guy
came in, he was really nice andfunny. And it really made my it
really made my night. So I washaving a real terrible day. I
was like, holy cow. That'scrazy.
I mean, I was just beingfriendly and nice and stuff and
chatted her up. More than than,you know, more than the usual.
Hi, how's it going? I want toorder this. Thank you. Alright,
(09:04):
thanks, you know,just being wrong human human
conversation.
And it obviously made such animpact that she wrote it down in
her journal. And it really blewmy mind that
I could have an effect like thaton someone. So I mean, it was
just pretty cool.
(09:24):
You never know who you'retalking to you or you never know
how your conversations reallygonna affect someone. So
one of my main points on thiswas to make sure you're using
the opportunities that arethere. I think
in a normal situation, you canliterally go to a shopping mall.
(09:46):
Make it a point to walk intoevery single shop and just chat
up the person that's workingthere. You know, like
I remember I was in this likenovelty store and there was song
Like, a lot of monogrammed likeglasses and pens and stuff. And
they had this.
(10:06):
They had this paperweight. And Iwas just joking with the person
that work there aboutabout like, who would buy a
paperweight? I'm like, I'm like,you know, it's really not that
windy in myit's really not that windy in my
bedroom. I don't know, do youhave any smaller paperweights
that are like for less wind, Idon't know, I was just joking
around about the paperweight,but they were cracking up. And
(10:27):
so you could literally go intoevery single store, store after
store just like chat up someone.
That's a real fine line, though,of like holding someone hostage
in a conversation they don'twant to be in. So keep it short.
You'll know if they're enjoyingthe conversation. But just to
(10:48):
get the practice, you canliterally go into store after
store because customer servicepeople for one, they're really
paid to be relatively nice tocustomers. So they're going to,
they're not going to be like anasshole to for one. And you can
just you know, they might be sobored, they might welcome a
little bit of conversation. Younever really know. But just be
(11:11):
pay attention and body language.
If they're trying, if they don'twant to be in that conversation.
Don't force them. But my pointis that you can really get a lot
of practice in this by going toa mall. And talking to every
single customer service personin the mall. It can be the
briefest thing, even if it'slike Excuse me, do you know
(11:31):
where theDo you know where the restroom
is?
Just the fact that you walkedup, started a conversation with
someone you don't know, it's it,it will all add up after a
while. So just be nice tocustomer service people. They're
basically one of the few peoplethat you can practice with right
now in a pandemic situation.
(11:54):
Something that I was thinkingabout, I wanted to mention was,
I've noticed that it happensless so now. But I remember when
I was younger.
I was I started making somefriends at a new school. And
very quickly, I noticed thatpeople would say,
like, if someone else wasbrought up, they're like, Oh,
(12:15):
yeah, that person, that doucheor that person, an asshole or
whatever, they would saysomething negative about the
other person, and you'deventually meet that person.
I learned pretty quickly thatanytime someone said something
bad about someone else, itwasn't necessarily true. In
fact, it probably.
In fact, it was pretty goodchance that they actually might
be pretty cool.
(12:39):
So, um,I just learned to whenever
someone's let's talk negativeabout someone that I didn't
know, never, I would never letit
I would just let it roll off me,you know, you take a note of it.
Maybe for heard it, like from 20different people might be true.
But a lot of times it was justbecause those two person, those
(12:59):
two people had a beef. Like Iwould never really judge a
person on something that someoneelse said. So anytime someone
says something about someoneelse, just be careful not to let
it affect how you actuallyrelate to that person, because
they actually might be prettycool.
I've actually had a lot offriends that didn't get along
with other friends when I waslike younger, much less. So now
(13:22):
a lot of my friends get alongtogether now. Which is pretty
cool.
But I definitely remember when Iwas younger, there was a lot of
shit talking, just don't believeany of it. And don't do the shit
talking yourself. Like I saidit's a waste of time.
Another thing I heard,and I really tried to
(13:45):
practice it's not necessarilyvery easy, is
it was also afraid to somethinglike talk about the things you
want. And don't talk about thethings you don't want.
And I'll actually hear this comeup a lot, usually from other
people, they'll start talkingabout things
(14:07):
that are, I don't know, I wish Ihave a really good example of
this.
I guess I can't really think ofa good example for right now.
Maybe in the next episode, I'llthink about it more. I think
examples are a really good wayof relating the context of what
I'm talking about. But I'd saylike, if you really pay
attention to someone who'sreally negative, they are
(14:28):
constantly talking about thethings that don't want. And if
you listen to someone who's likealways in a really good mood,
and is very positive.
They are talking about thethings that they do want. So if
you want to be a negativeperson, that's a good way to
talk about the things you don'twant like talking about.
(14:51):
I don'tlike if you're worried about
your your boss is gonna fire youand you keep talking about why
why do you think your bossis gonna fire you or soon or lay
you off soon or something likethat, that's basically talking
about the things you don't want.
And just by talking about itwill put you in a headspace that
will kind of like manifest a lotof times it will, it'll manifest
(15:13):
itselfjust by you constantly focusing
your attention on it, becauseyou'll keep on looking for
things that prove that it's kindof like a psychological trick.
So talk about the things youwant, avoid talking about the
things you don't want, that wasa tough one for me, because I
was doing that a lot.
But it's really made a bigdifference by
(15:35):
really putting the effort intodoing that.
Another thing I've noticed,especially lately is
don't try to control situations,it's really hard when you have
like a group of people or oneother person trying to like,
it kind of always collaboratingwith someone on something, and
(15:57):
it's easy to try to take toomuch control, I really try to be
more than let things roll, theway they're gonna roll,
sometimes guiding it sometimestrying to like, you know, lead a
little bit, but for the mostpart, things are kind of going
to go their own way. So youmight as well not try to like
force, things to go a certainway. Because a lot of times,
(16:19):
especially if you'recollaborating with people,
other people see thingsdifferent differently than the
way you see it. So they mighthave a better idea, or have more
experience in something. So alot of times, it's good to just
let things go their own way.
Actually, let me totally tellyou about this, I'm not sure if
(16:40):
it's projected or not. But Iheard this that anytime someone
says they're not somethingthey actually probably are, for
example, if someone is veryupset about is pretty upset with
someone, and they're telling youthe story, like let's say money
was involved. And they saysomething like it's not it's not
(17:04):
even about the money.
It's probably about the money.
Or someone says, I don't carewhat they think
they probably care what theythink, even if they're not even
aware of it. Just the fact thatthey stated it. They stated a
(17:25):
negative means that it's ontheir mind. So I thought that
was pretty interesting, becausepeople do this a lot. They'll
say they're not something like,Oh, I'm not jealous. It's like,
well, you don't even have to sayit. Why would you even say it?
You know? So just be aware ofwhen people say that catch it.
It's really interesting. I catchit all the time when people say
(17:47):
that, and it gives me like alittle insight to their
psychology. Oh, they're actuallyare kind of being affected by
this? Because they just saidthey're not.
And especially be aware of yousaid, because if you say it,
really think about it, catchyourself when you say it, catch
yourself when you say it andthink about it, like okay, maybe
(18:08):
this actually is affecting me inthis way.
It's, it's a really cool tip. Ilearned a while back. And for
the most part, it seems likeit's pretty true. There's this
tip I heard in one of the books,Dale Carnegie,
How to Win Friends and it's inkind of that title so long, How
to Win Friends and InfluencePeople by Dale Carnegie. Really
(18:32):
good book. It's like the firstbook I read on social skills.
It's good, I read it twice, Iread it three times. It's one of
those books where you read it.
And then you should read itagain in like six months and
then again in like a year. Andprobably again in like two
years, you're really gonna get alot out of it. There's just so
(18:53):
much so much information abouthaving better communication
skills, and interpersonalskills. But one of the things
that I rememberhe had this tip called don't
play topper. I think that's whatI think that's why he said it.
Don't play topper like you'retrying to top someone. And what
he's saying is like, if someoneis telling you a story,
(19:15):
don't try to Don't try torespond to it by saying a story
where you are saying basicallywhat they said but even better.
Okay, let me so let me tell youa story, that I kinda remember
this kind of happens a lot.
And you'll catch it quite a bit.
Especially once you learn aboutit, you'll start seeing it
(19:37):
happen a lot. And it's basicallythe main point is that someone
is trying to relate to someoneby telling them their their own
story.
So but it actually breaks breaksa connection, because they don't
realize they're actually tryingto tell them like let's just say
for example, someone says, Oh, Iwent fishing last weekend and I
(19:58):
caught I caught upI got a 12 inch rainbow trout.
And they're like, oh, where'dyou go? Oh, I went over to
Crystal Lake. Oh yeah, I wasthere two weeks ago, I caught a
16 inch, blah, blah, blah. Sothey're basically tell them they
cut a bigger fish that'sbasically playing topper.
(20:19):
So like I remember one time Iwas with my friends.
And they were talking about, Ithink some hotel they had stayed
at, or some place that they theylived at. I was like in
Colombia. And they're tellingthem about like, the hotel they
were at. And like my friendsaid, Oh, I was at the hotel, I
said in the, in the suite orsomething like that. But he's
(20:40):
basically inadvertently justtrying to talk to guys story.
And it didn't add to the storyat all, it kind of just broke
the story up, it did kind oflike kill the energy of the
story. And he obviously hedidn't know what he was doing.
He's probably never heard oftopper, but I could see it
clearly.
And I could tell you, it happensa lot people do it a lot. A lot
(21:02):
of times I am about to do it. Irealize I'm about to do it. And
so I justI catch myself and I don't do
it. And I noticed that the whatI was about to say, really
didn't add to the story.
It was me trying to keep theconversation going. But it was
really not necessary. It wasn'tgonna endear me in any way to
(21:24):
this person, even though subtlythat was kind of like the goal
of trying to say a toddlerstory. But it doesn't it does
the exact opposite. So avoiddoing that at all costs.
I remember hearing the story ofMaximus,
he was you know, from Gladiator,I guess there was like, either a
(21:49):
real person a Maximus, or it'skind of based on someone. But in
this book, when they weredescribing him, they were
describing him ashe was a serious guy, but he
could definitely be in a goodmood and tell jokes and stuff
like that he can also be, youknow, not so serious kick back.
He never saw anyone as beingabove him or being below him.
(22:14):
And I think that's a, an awesomeway to
see someone who's very mature,they don't see other people as
above them, and they don't seeother people as being below
them. And I tried toI tried to relate to people that
way people I don't know, becauseit's easy to be judgmental, it's
easy to think that someone islower class than you, you know,
(22:35):
like a homeless person. Orsomeone is like,
I don't know, like, like, if yougo to a fancy club, like people
in the VIP, they might bewearing suits, and, you know,
bottles of crystal or whatever.
Easy to see that, Oh, those guysare doing better than me or
whatever. So don't, don't evertry not to anyways, see other
(22:56):
people as being above you orbelow you. Because it's just on
a huge, deep psychological, youknow, we all have human brains,
we all have the capacity to begreat in our own way. You can
just relate to people better ifyou if you see people as you
know, on the same level as you.
(23:18):
However, however that is heardthe other thing that I thought
was pretty good. It said, if youwant to know what someone's
going to do, just look at whatthey have been doing. Me
personally, I kind of use thisin the context of
people that are kind of like,not living up to my
(23:39):
expectations. Like, let's say Ihave a co worker who's
constantly just not really doingthat great of a job. If I have
to work with him in like on abig job. I'm like, Well, I told
him to get this and this. Icould assume he's gonna bring it
(23:59):
or maybe I should just send hima text to remind him because
like, no, now he's probablygonna get it even though he's
been constantly screwing up. I'mlike, Oh, no, he'll probably do
it. Get to the job. And he likeforgot to grab that.
Soare like if you're working on a
group project with people,someone's just not pulling their
weight and you're like, man,well, maybe in the last couple
(24:20):
days, they'll get it together.
I found it to be a usefula useful guide is to
your basically you're going toexpect what they've been doing,
hoping that they're going toturn it around at the last
minute. usually doesn't pan out.
I really do think people canchange in vast ways, but it's
(24:43):
not very common. Unfortunately.
I kind of use that as a guidewhen I'm like, should I loan
this guy money. I mean, he neverpays back his debts.
They can be very convincing.
Some people can be veryconvincing that they're going to
be. They're going to be comingthrough Johnny this time. But
(25:06):
unfortunately, like I said, youcan just look what they've been
doing and get a pretty goodguide of what's going to happen.
I think I'm just going to end onthis. Something I heard from
some kind of Zen teaching was totalk about the three treasures
(25:26):
talks about the three treasures,the three treasures which
everyone possesses.
And those are patientssimplicity and compassion,
patience, simplicity andcompassion.
Patients I mean, that's prettyobvious. If you want to work on
your patients, you can reallywork on your patients like I
(25:49):
told you before, I drove in theslow lane for a month
and I drew I had to drive a lotfor work. So driving the slow
lane for a month was verychallenging, especially the
first day but after thatactually wasn't too bad. You
don't even really notice itafter a while but it really
helped me with my patients. Itreally helped me with my road
(26:10):
rage. Other ways you canpractice patience is just by
meditating and stuff like that.
simplicity, simplicity.
I think being simple in yourcommunication, being a
minimalist, I've tried to adopta minimalist way of life I tried
(26:30):
to not buy a lot of stuff. Idon't like a lot of clutter.
There was a book called clearyour clutter with Fung Shui I
really got into like Fung Shuiespecially in my in my in my
living space. It's just a goodaesthetic for design. But it's
also it helps you clear yourmind. Like it went down to the
(26:52):
basics like look at your wallet.
How much stuff do you have inyour wallet? Do you have like a
George Costanza wallet which isnothing but like receipts and
old like business cards clearedout clear all this stuff out
that you don't need. It's a it'sa long process but be a
minimalist. I'll put a link tothat clear your clutter with
Fung Shui. At first it was thefirst book that opened my eyes
(27:15):
to what minimalism was and FungShui was and I really got into
it. And I think it just helps mehaving a clear space helps clear
your head. Like your, your spacearound you is a reflection of
what's going on in your head. Soif you're if your room is a
mess, you probably have a muchin jumbling thoughts come in
(27:37):
through your head. So you knowworking on both the your, your
living space a lot trying tolike pare down get rid of stuff
you don't need.
It's really going to help you alot I'll put a link to that book
in the description of thepodcast. And then also I read a
(27:57):
couple other books on Fung Shuibut that was definitely one of
the best ones. It's real smallbook. I saw it at Jamba Juice
one day and I started flippingthrough it and then I ended up
buying it I actually bought twocopies I got one from my mom.
She really liked it too. And sheended up cleaning up our place
to I was actually surprisedit really really made a big
(28:18):
differenceand then compassion the last of
the three treasures so we gotpatients simplicity and
compassion, compassion. Like Isaid, just you know treat people
likethe way you'd want to be treated
yourself. I'm just gonna letthat one sit with you I don't
want to get into like you knowobvious
(28:43):
be nice to people I mean it'skind of obvious right? Maybe
just be nicer to people. Right?
Let's I guess I'll justleave you that with that those
three treasures patiencesimplicity and compassion and
hope you guys have an awesomenew year's and I'll be talking
to you guys soon. Have a goodone Don't
(29:11):
be feeling the effects of a pastlife from a past life took the
right path from the wrong nightto Japan sauce taking this right
what a bizarre like a pull up acar ride it's a Mustang with the
beats Where have you seen himwhat it look like? Oh women and
take for granted Milan and againin issue for the moon in the
(29:33):
stars numerous broth beautifulbeing the Godfather key to
be two people with the luckyyoung linen and the nice to see
the breast out. So now I'mthinking that life is better
with buddy you bet on thebrother You win in a tank tops
with the eight ball andif it wasn't for you, we could
beIf it wasn't the EU, we could be
(30:05):
shame. It's a damn shame.
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