July 3, 2020 • 32 mins
This week we go into the logistics of the 'hello' and how to not make it awkward. We also talk about how great the book 'People Skills' by Dr Robert Bolton is for learning listening skills and also The Tao Te Ching and The Second Book of the Tao by Stephen Mitchell is. These are two resources you should definitely check out. We also talk about exchanging contact info so you can keep in touch and make a better connection. We talk about other stuff too, check it out and tell a friend!!
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:22):
Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome back to
episode number five of thesocial skills lab. I'm your
host, Nathan Ament.
This is the podcasts where ifyou need to just brush up on
your social skills, or if youneed a total rehaul
(00:43):
we're going to try to help youout with that.
So last week,we talked about a couple
pretty important things,listening skills, and how to be
present.
Listening skills orman, I gotta say the probably
like 80% of the game. Like whenyou're in a conversation, just
(01:06):
having like, really goodlistening skills is like so
important.
Because people are just morewilling to
just like, jump into talking toyou, when you when they can tell
that you're very focused andattentive to what they mean.
What if you just look interestedin what they're talking about?
(01:29):
It really does go a long way.
And since most people, and I doemphasize most people have
really bad listening skills.
It's a good way to reallyseparate yourself from the
average schmo.
Also, I wanted to mention too, Iwas talking about listening
skills. I think one of the most,one of the best books I saw I
(01:53):
read about itwas this book called, it was
just called people skills bythis guy named Dr. Robert
Bolton, I'd say if there waslike,
two books that I had to pick forthe number one books that I've
gotten the most out of, for thefor social skills, one of them
(02:14):
would definitely be peopleskills by Dr. Robert bone. I
read it. I read it a coupletimes. I think I mentioned it
before, but I wasn't sure if Imentioned his name. But that's,
that's a must have. It's likepractically the Bible of social
skills. So make sure you getthat one. He talks a lot about
listening skills, like the DaleCarnegie book is really good.
(02:36):
But Dale Carnegie did not talk alot about listening skills. And
Robert Bolton really goes intoit a lot. So we also talked
about reflective listeningskills, like reflecting back
factual information orreflecting back emotions. Like I
use it again this week, some guywas really mad. I'm always
(02:57):
dealing with mad customers. Andthe guy was like, he's pretty
pissed off. And I was like,Yeah, that sounds, man, that
sounds like that'd be reallyfrustrating. I mean, just
basically reflecting back the,the emotion and the guy was calm
down. I tell you, man, it worksworked really well. But we also
talked about being more present.
It just, you know, it's likerocket fuel for listening
(03:18):
skills, just showing you howjust convene the ability to be
very present. Because quite along way.
I mean, there's definitely likewhen you're in a conversation,
being present one thing, but howdo you how do you cultivate that
ability. I talked about doingyoga, and talked about doing
(03:40):
meditation. Meditation is, it'sgreat. It will help you be more
present. So try it out, man,just like five, five minutes, 10
minutes, maybe even 25 minutes,every day, or every couple days.
It's, it's kind of weird howlike, one of the hardest things
to do is doing nothing. That iswhy it is so effective. When you
(04:04):
are meditating. One thing I wastalking about just sitting there
and being still and one of themost important aspects of
meditation that I didn't mentionwas to just focus on your
breathing.
So when you're sitting there,just slowly breathing in and out
of your nose. So when you'remeditating, just focus on your
(04:24):
breathing in and out for aboutfour seconds at a time, in and
out of your nose.
That's about it, man. Just trynot to think, just try to let
your mind go completely clear.
At first, it's almostimpossible. like I used to. I
heard this technique ofpicturing a shot clock like a
(04:46):
basketball game. There's like a22nd clock. Just imagine that
clock in your mind counting downand tried to get from 20 down to
zero without thinking anythoughts.
Pretty good.
technique because you realizeright away how it's almost
impossible to get past fourseconds.
You can even get a coupleseconds without even thinking
(05:08):
something like just rememberingsomething from the past or
whatever coming in your head. Imentioned some Eastern
philosophy stuff that was reallygood for learning how to be more
present. And one of the things Imentioned was this audio book
called The doubt a Ching. But Ididn't, I forgot to mention who
it was written by. But it was,it's written by
(05:32):
this guy named Steven Mitchell,s t. e. p. h. e. n. Mitchell,
Steven Mitchell. And I'm notjoking, man, I've listened to
that audio book aboutprobably about 40 times. I mean,
it's not that long. It's onlylike an hour and a half or
something. So the doubt it, hewrote the Tao Te Ching in the
second book of the Dow.
(05:54):
And they're on audio books. Idon't think there's a written
copy of it. But it is.
It's also in like, my golden boxof just amazing things. And like
I've learned so much for so Irecommend, so pick it up, man. I
mean, it's an audio book, youyou can listen to it when you're
driving to work.
Oh, okay. So jumping to thisweek. So this week, we're going
(06:18):
to talk about the logistics ofjust saying hello. And like
exchanging contact information,so you can keep in touch. One of
the first things you want tothink about when you're saying
hello,just remember that people, most
people are actually shy, I'velearned that. And I was
surprised to learn that Ithought I was only when I
thought it was me. And maybelike 10% of the people were shy.
(06:40):
But I've learned that I'm notjoking, maybe about 80% of
people out there are actuallyvery shy. And even though they
might seem social, they might besocial. They're probably only
friends with people they'veknown a very, very long time
they most people don't meet newpeople. So that's why it's
pretty cool torealize that, Hey,
(07:03):
everyone shy, so I don't have tobe that means, you know, people
are actually really open totalking to people because
they're not going out andtalking to people themselves. So
when someone talks to them,they're kind of excited that
hey, especially if you knowyou're finding interesting, and
don't take yourself tooseriously.
(07:24):
So I remember hearing thisquote, let's look at it here.
Okay, so, Albert Einstein,apparently, he's a pretty smart
guy, he is said to have remarkedthat the single most important
decision any of us will evermake is whether or not to
believe that the universe isfriendly.
(07:45):
I like to interpret that as ourpeople friendly, do you believe
that people in general arefriendly. And I want you to
think about that for a second.
Because this will really affecthow you go about improving your
social skills and working onyour social skills. Because as I
recommend, every week, make sureyou talk to one or one or two
new people every single day, ifyou can.
(08:09):
Or you know just people whoalready talking to push those
conversations further than youare normally used to, like if
you meet some guy at work, runinto him every day and you talk
to him for like 20 seconds, youknow, try to push it to two or
three minutes or something likethat. Just keep putting little
sticks and logs on thoseconversation fires to try to
(08:30):
keep it going.
It's a good practice. Justgetting used to talking to new
people very frequently. If youbelieve people are friendly, it
makes it a lot easier to start aconversation with someone with a
quote unquote, stranger. Iactually do believe now that
most people are pretty friendly.
Let's say you're at abarbecue or something like that.
(08:52):
There's just some guy standingthere with his food. And he has
a neutral look on his face. Soyou don't really have a lot of
feedback. Is this guy friendly?
Or is he like, you know, apsycho?
I would say if someone islooking neutral, or if they have
like a slight smile are theylook, you know, have opening
(09:14):
open body language, that'sprobably a decent opportunity to
talk to someone new. Like ifsomeone has like, looks pissed
off. I usually try to avoidthat. I usually won't start a
conversation with someone's gotlike crossed arms or looks
irritated or something likethat. Just because there's
always options, you shouldalways have different options,
(09:35):
more options better.
So you can pretty much talk toanyone. I guess it goes back to
you know, like when you're alittle kid, your parents or they
tell you not to talk tostrangers, and that's probably
really good advice. But as anadult, if no one's told you, I'm
going to tell you right now it'sokay to talk to strangers. In
(09:57):
case I got ingrained into thedeep reading
recesses of your psyche, let'sjust clear that information out.
It is now okay to talk tostrangers. And like if you're in
like, you know, junior high ormiddle school or junior, that's
the same thing. If you're inlike middle school or high
school, you know, it's to me, itjust seems like it's perfectly
fine to talk to any of yourclassmates, you know, they might
(10:19):
be strict, quote, unquote,strangers. But there's no reason
why you shouldn't be able totalk to any of your classmates
and start conversations withpeople you don't know. Okay? So
let me give you a couplescenarios. As we get into the
logistics of just saying, Hi,let's just say like, okay, I
remember, I started a new job. Ihave a lot of, I've had a lot of
(10:41):
jobs, just so you know.
But I started this new job. Iwas in Southern California for a
new job, and I was training. AndI was a new guy. And I started
with probably, maybe like fiveto seven new people. So we were,
we were all like kind of runningaround. We're all like the new
group of people. And, you know,they give at work, they give us
(11:02):
new cell phones and stuff. Sofirst thing right off the bat,
there's always that one littleapplication for notes. So we'd
have these, so they gave usthese new cell phones. And I
always start in,like my iPhone, a new note in
the notepad called people ornames or something like that.
And as soon as I would meetsomeone, and then, you know,
(11:24):
when a new at work, it's suchobvious to me, it's obvious that
like, that's my, that's my in,I'm just gonna, like start going
up to people and just be like,Hey, how's it going? I'm Nate. I
just started here. Bam. I mean,like, How hard is that. And for
the logistics, let me justexplain a couple things. I make
sure that I have usually havelike a little smile on my face
(11:45):
look friendly, you know, I'm notcrossing my arms or have like a
resting bitchfaceor resting asshole face. This
was like when it was okay toshake hands, I would just like,
I would just say, Hey, how's itgoing? My name is Nate. And I
put my hand out to shake theirhand or something. Or when they
say, Oh, I'm Mike. And I'm like,Oh, nice to meet you. And I'd
(12:06):
like,you know, a gauge gauge if we're
doing a handshake or notdepending on I don't know, you
just feel it out. I'd say like,half the time, I'd shake hands
half time, I wouldn't. But thatwas like before there was a
pandemic going around. Soprobably not going to be shaking
a lot of hands right now.
I mean, hopefully, we'll getback to that. for actual like
(12:28):
logistical specifics, I would,you know, make sure to give
people space, you don't want toget into people's personal
space. So I think it's aboutthree feet, and usually stand
about four feet, maybe threefeet, somewhere in that zone. A
lot of times I would like, be alittle angled off, like, you
don't necessarily want to bewalked up straight at a person
(12:51):
facing them directly. And kindof come up at an angle, just
kind of like, feel morecomfortable. In their personal
space. When you'd come on. Youwalk up, you know, slowly, just
picture like a cat, like you'regonna just run up toward cat and
like, try to pet it. What's itgoing to do? It's just gonna run
away. So I mean, just walk upcasually, you know, smile, nod,
(13:14):
okay? How's it going? I'm Nate,or whatever your name is insert
name here.
So that's a good one.
Another thing you might want tothink about is, do you mumble, I
mumble quite a bit. And I don'tknow, there's probably, there's
(13:38):
different vocal exercises youcan do for that, like I heard
that. It's like, you could put apencil bite on him. I actually
tried that one too, I think.
bite on a pencil and say thealphabet, try to enunciate the
alphabet over and over again. Ithink it makes it
able to pronounce better. But Iknow that my name for whatever
(13:59):
reason doesn't carry. My namedoesn't actually carry sonically
very well.
So if like I'm at, you know, ifI'm like in a quiet place, and
someone asked me, asked me myname, I'll just say my name is
Nate. My name is actuallyNathaniel. But I go by that I go
by Nathan or Nate, I reallydon't have any preference. I'll
(14:20):
just say my name is Nate most ofmost of the time. But if I'm in
a, like, maybe a music venue orsomething like that, and someone
asked me what my name is, I'llsay it's Nathan. Just because
I've had so many experienceswhere people are, if I say my
name is Nate in a loudenvironment, they'll hear Nick
(14:40):
or they'll hear they won't hearit very well. So just be aware
of that. When you say your name,say it loudly and clearly
because it is really annoying tohave to keep saying I'm sorry,
what was that again? What wasthat again, just in general. Be
aware of not being clear whenyou're speaking because
I know in my experience, if I'mtalking to someone who I can't
(15:03):
hear very well, or if I have toour if I ask them to repeat it a
number of times, I just bail, Idon't really try to keep it
going, I don't, I lose completeinterest in keeping a
conversation going with amumbler or a quiet speaker. It
is not good. Sojust be aware of that. And if if
you have that issue, like get adigital voice recorder, I have
(15:25):
one, I got like a little SonyDigital Voice Recorder. I used
it for taking notes in school,but I use it for all kinds of
other things.
It'd be a really good way. Andat first, you don't like the
sound of your voice, trust me.
But you'll get over it. Okay, soI remember to like when I wasn't
taking classes at the communitycollege. Let's say you're,
you're in school. So I wouldjust sit, I would sit next to
(15:48):
people that look like they weresomewhat friendly. So like in
math class, I remember, anytimeit's like the first or second
day of math class, I wouldalways just talk to whoever is
next to me. And I would alwaysjust be like, so.
Are you good at math?
And I don't know why. But peoplealways laugh. And I think it's
(16:08):
funny too. Because no, unlessyou're talking to like the two
people who are geniuses at math,no one feels very confident in
math. So I don't know, it's justa funny way to start to open up
a conversation. It's anobservational thing. Using
observational stuff is reallygood.
To start conversationsI was at, I was at a new job
(16:31):
again. And that was training inLas Vegas. I was there for a
whole month.
Andone night, it was like Friday,
I'm like, Okay, I'm definitelygoing out tonight. And it's
really weird to go out in Vegaswithout all your buddies. If
you're just going solo, it feelsreally different. Because you're
not there to party your frickinass off.
(16:56):
Because that's when you do withyour when you're with your
friends. And just a side note,that's why I love Las Vegas,
because when you're there 90% ofpeople there, they're just a
party their ass off. And so it'sjust such a good vibe. There's
no other city in the UnitedStates where 90% of the people
are there to party their ass offevery single night. So that's
(17:17):
why I always like Vegas. But Iwas there for work. So I was
really toning it down. I'm likeI'm, you know, I'm pretty
focused here. I want to makesure you know, I get some sleep.
But I was out at this. I went tothis place called it was the
Cosmopolitan. It's like one ofthe newer hotels and they have
this. They have athis, one of the best bars in
the world. They're called thechandelier bar. And I remember I
(17:40):
mentioned a few episodes backon, you know, looking up stuff,
how to find stuff going on. Solike in Vegas, I just basically
googled 10 best bars in LasVegas. And I made a note of all
the ones I wanted to check out.
You know, it's really easy tofind stuff like that online now.
And this was like in the topfive bars. So I went there
(18:05):
and just ordered a drink. I'mhanging out of the bar. These
two guys come up in there. Theyordered a drink, too. And I
noticed there was they had putthese weird like flower things
in their drink. And I was like,I was like, What is that? What
is that you're putting in there?
And he's like, he's like, Oh,this is
he started telling me about thatdrink. It's like a special drink
(18:27):
they they make at thischandelier bar. I think they
said it was called the flowerdrink. And he's like, it's these
like, he went totally into it.
He's like, yeah, they don't evenhave this on the menu. This
place sold sold like $3 millionworth of these drinks last year
or something like that. And he'slike, they've put this special
flower on it. And I guess it'scalled like a Sichuan flower or
(18:48):
something like that.
And I don't know, he startedtelling me about it. And he
said, He's like, you've nevertried one. I'm like, No, I was
like, No, I never even heard ofit. And he's like, he's like,
well, he he's like the bartendermessed up our order. He's like,
he actually got ordered us threeonly wanted two of them. He's
like you want us you want thisextra one? And I'm like, Yeah,
sure. He's like, Alright, nowtake the flower and
(19:13):
bite into it. And then wait likefive seconds and then take the
drink. And I did that.
And this, whatever. There's someweird chemical on this flower
that makes your mouth feel likeyou. Like just ate like a whole
bag of pop rocks or somethinglike that your mouth just goes
crazy. And I don't know, it wasjust like a such a weird
(19:33):
experience. ButI use that as an example of
like, just using yourobservation, paying attention
being being present. So justlike using something
observational is alwaysI've noticed a really good way
to just open a conversation. SoI was just like, oh, what was
that flower? You're putting itwhat kind of flowers that are
what is that? You're puttingyour drink. So he's
(19:55):
observational stuff. It'sIt's a really good way to open
conversations. Another goodobservational one that I'll use
sometimes, if I'm like, at a baror something like that, and like
a, like a call to hipster barhipster bars always have like,
really good beer selection. Soyou know, just be chatting. You
can just chat someone up, likeif you're standing by them. And
(20:21):
you know, usually, if someone'slike, super deep in
conversation, I mean, I guesssome people don't mind doing
that. But I usually don'tinterrupt people in the middle
of conversation. But if theylook kind of just standing
there, kind of bored orwhatever. That's like a really
good way to just open up aconversation because, you know,
people were bored. And they goout to socialize. And
socializing is fun. So like, ifsomeone has like, a real dark
(20:43):
beer, or something like that,I'm like, I'll just be like,
what kind of what kind of beeris that? And they'll tell me,
and then it's like, Oh, that'sgood. You know, you'd start
talking about beer or whatever.
So just use observational stuff.
Sometimes, like, if I start aconversation, like they'll ask
you, they'll just ask you whatyour name is, or I'll tell them
what my name is. But sometimesI'll have a conversation with
(21:04):
someone for like, 30 minutes.
And then at the end, I'll belike, oh, by the way, my name is
Nate. And they're like, Oh,yeah, I'm Mike or whatever like
that. Or so sometimes you do sayyour name at the beginning,
sometimes you don't even mentionthe name, and you just forget to
even mention your name. So thathappens a lot. So don't be all
stuck on getting the names and,and
(21:26):
because eventually you will, ifyou're going to, you know, keep
in touch or whatever.
So let me give you anotherscenario.
I was at this party. It was likemy friend's boss's party. So
there's It was like, I mean, hehad a real nice house. But
there's probably only like 40people there, maybe, maybe 30
people. And I was talking withmy friends in the on the back
(21:48):
patio. And I could see in thehouse. And I could see the
entryway. So I saw that, likesomeone had arrived. And they
came in the door. And they wereintroduced to some people the
door, whatever. But then I waslike, I don't know, I was paying
close attention. And I saw thatthis person had
started to introduce himself tothe people by the door, and then
(22:13):
in the kitchen. And then in theliving room, this guy was
literally introducing himself toevery single person in the
house. And I was mesmerized, ohwas like holy cow. I didn't
realize that you can walk into aparty, probably not know
anybody, and just startintroducing yourself to every
(22:35):
single person.
And this was a, this is reallyeye opening. Because
I mean, it just changed the wayI thought about,
you know, talking to people at aparty. And so I've in this guy
literally made his way throughthe whole house. And then and
then the backyard. And Ieventually met him too. And you
(22:56):
know, he was nice, charming guy.
He had a big smile on his face.
And he just went around shookeveryone's hand. And it wasn't
like weird or awkward, it wastotally cool as hell. And I
tried to adopt that philosophyor that technique. When I go to
a party, so if I go to a party,I'll just start introducing
(23:16):
myself. And I don't make it tothe whole party I never do, I
usually get stopped about athird of the way in, and I'll
just get stuck in a conversationor two. But it's really good,
because then you could run intothose people later. And like,
Oh, yeah, what was your nameagain, and then just start
talking to him again.
So that is justI don't know. That was like the
the baddest social skillsdemonstration I've ever seen. I
(23:42):
was like, super impressed. Ireally adopted it. So and I tell
you what, try it out. Prove mewrong, did that. That doesn't
work. I mean, if you're at aparty with like, a bunch of
hardcore bikers or something,maybe tone it down a little bit,
I don't know, probably stillwork if you're at a party, and
they're there to just have funand meet people.
(24:05):
Because, you know, if you go toa party, it's actually kind of
expected that you'd socializeand talk to new people.
And a lot of people like I said,a lot of people are shy. So
they're actually happy to likenot be standing there talking to
no one.
There's also something I'veheard of called scaling out a
spot. So if you're like, feellike you get stuck and you're
(24:27):
like kind of a wallflower. Youknow, for like five minutes,
just in the same spot, movearound, move around the party,
move around the venue, movearound the bar, move around, you
know, go to different spots,don't just sit in the same spot
all night. Okay, so let's sayyou've been talking to someone
for 20 minutes an hour. AndI don't know, you're like ready
(24:52):
to go check out another band or,or checkout or you're going to
go to another bar or whatever.
Let's say you're like, I really,this person is like cool to talk
to you. And they'll justexchange I should I should get
their contact information. Sowhat I will do in those
(25:12):
situations, say I'm talking tosomeone, and I'm like, Oh, this
is going well, I like talking tothis person. Maybe we'll catch
up for a beer coffee some othertime. You never know.
I'll give you a specificsituation I was at
sea about a year ago.
Me and my friend went to SanFrancisco to this music school.
(25:37):
For like a meet and greet likean industry meet and greet. We
just meet other students andstuff like that people
interested in making music.
My friend washe produces music, and he's
really good. I do it as kind ofa hobby. But he asked if I
wanted to go, I was like, hellyeah, that sounds cool. Shit. So
we went.
(25:58):
I just talked to people tried totalk to people all night. At one
point, I went outsideto make a phone call. And
I don't know, I was justchilling outside for a minute.
And this other guy comes out.
And he had been in there. Ididn't meet him in there. But we
started talking. And next, youknow, we were talking for like,
20 minutes outside, we'retalking all kinds of stuff. Like
(26:18):
he was in a stand up comedy,too. Like he was in the music.
So we talked about music for alittle bit. But next, you know,
we were talking about stand upcomedy, because I love stand up
comedy. And he wasand he was singing, I don't
know, I just get the just getthe subconscious idea. Like,
Hey, I should get this guy'snumber. Keep in touch or
something. So I was just like,a, I'm probably gonna head back
(26:41):
in there. But man, we should.
Let's keep in touch. Like maybewhen I'm back in back in the
city. I'll hit you up. We'llgrab a beer. Something He's
like, Yeah, for sure. Let's dothat. So what I do is I'll pull
up my phone, I'll say, Okay, howabout I just call you that way,
you have my number. And they'llgive me my number. And I'll put
(27:01):
it in my phone, and I'll dialit. So I have his number. He has
my number.
And then I'll say,I'll put his name in. And about
50% of the time. Honestly, Iforgot their name already. So
I'll just be like, what was?
What was your name again? I'msorry, I forgot him. I'm really
bad with names. And they'll belike, Oh, yeah, me too. So
(27:23):
they'll tell me, they'll saytheir name. And I'll say, Yeah,
my name is Nate, I'll justautomatically say my name. So if
they forgot my name, they don'teven have to ask I just set it
really easy. That's all you do.
Keep the number, text them likethe next day or two, like a is
gonna mean youmight be in town in two weeks,
I'll hit you up on them outthere. Just you know, it's
(27:45):
always good to send a text orcolumn in the next couple days.
Because if you don't, it, thatmoment is so fleeting, that
you'll you'll never talk to himagain. Probably so. And then
I'll, for this particularscenario, I hit him up a couple
(28:05):
times when I was in SanFrancisco, I'm like, Hey, I'm in
town, we tried to meet up, itdidn't actually happen. So I'll
usually one or two times, I'lldo that. And then if it doesn't
happen after that, it probablywon't. Or I just I don't know, I
just don't really push itbecause i have i've, luckily I
have enough options where it'snot really a big deal. If we
don't ever meet again, it'sreally not a big deal. There's
(28:27):
so many people to meet. SoI usually give it one or two
times. And then I guessbasically the balls in their
court, if they really want tohit me up or meet up, they'll
text me.
You know, a lot of times you domeet up, and then it's you start
making friendships. Again,friendships that way, you have
to get their contactinformation.
(28:50):
So I'm an attorney, I guess, Iguess some people use Facebook
or they'll do Instagram. I don'treally do that. I just usually
just get the phone number andthe syntax that way. But do
whatever you were comfortabledoing. But just make sure you
hit them up again or whatever.
And it's good way to keep intouch just like you know, maybe
a week or two just say hey, youwant to grab a beer, you want to
(29:11):
grab a coffee.
Something something very basicnot I don't necessarily do
something like hey, you want togo get dinner? Or or you want to
go get you want to watch amovie. I guess you could do that
stuff. I don't really do that.
But you know, keep it light andbe like, hey, you want to go on
a three day trip to Tahoe?
(29:33):
You probably do that too, but Idon't know. I don't I don't do
it that way. So just, that'sjust a good way to keep contact
information.
I guess that's it for this week.
We're gonna, I'm going to go ona camping trip. So I got to do
some packing and stuff. And nextweek we're going to be talking
abouthow to be non judgmental, and
(29:54):
also a little about a little bitabout what does it mean to just
Cool.
Probably some good stuff to talkabout. We can go into depth
about it. And guess that's itfor this week. So, I hope you
have a great weekend. And makesure you talk to new people, one
(30:15):
or two new people every day andtry to have fun with it. Don't
take yourself too seriously. AndI guess that's it. Take care.
Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome back to
episode number five of thesocial skills lab. I'm your
host, Nathan Ament.
This is the podcasts where ifyou need to just brush up on
your social skills, or if youneed a total rehaul
(00:43):
we're going to try to help youout with that.
So last week,we talked about a couple
pretty important things,listening skills, and how to be
present.
Listening skills orman, I gotta say the probably
like 80% of the game. Like whenyou're in a conversation, just
(01:06):
having like, really goodlistening skills is like so
important.
Because people are just morewilling to
just like, jump into talking toyou, when you when they can tell
that you're very focused andattentive to what they mean.
What if you just look interestedin what they're talking about?
(01:29):
It really does go a long way.
And since most people, and I doemphasize most people have
really bad listening skills.
It's a good way to reallyseparate yourself from the
average schmo.
Also, I wanted to mention too, Iwas talking about listening
skills. I think one of the most,one of the best books I saw I
(01:53):
read about itwas this book called, it was
just called people skills bythis guy named Dr. Robert
Bolton, I'd say if there waslike,
two books that I had to pick forthe number one books that I've
gotten the most out of, for thefor social skills, one of them
(02:14):
would definitely be peopleskills by Dr. Robert bone. I
read it. I read it a coupletimes. I think I mentioned it
before, but I wasn't sure if Imentioned his name. But that's,
that's a must have. It's likepractically the Bible of social
skills. So make sure you getthat one. He talks a lot about
listening skills, like the DaleCarnegie book is really good.
(02:36):
But Dale Carnegie did not talk alot about listening skills. And
Robert Bolton really goes intoit a lot. So we also talked
about reflective listeningskills, like reflecting back
factual information orreflecting back emotions. Like I
use it again this week, some guywas really mad. I'm always
(02:57):
dealing with mad customers. Andthe guy was like, he's pretty
pissed off. And I was like,Yeah, that sounds, man, that
sounds like that'd be reallyfrustrating. I mean, just
basically reflecting back the,the emotion and the guy was calm
down. I tell you, man, it worksworked really well. But we also
talked about being more present.
It just, you know, it's likerocket fuel for listening
(03:18):
skills, just showing you howjust convene the ability to be
very present. Because quite along way.
I mean, there's definitely likewhen you're in a conversation,
being present one thing, but howdo you how do you cultivate that
ability. I talked about doingyoga, and talked about doing
(03:40):
meditation. Meditation is, it'sgreat. It will help you be more
present. So try it out, man,just like five, five minutes, 10
minutes, maybe even 25 minutes,every day, or every couple days.
It's, it's kind of weird howlike, one of the hardest things
to do is doing nothing. That iswhy it is so effective. When you
(04:04):
are meditating. One thing I wastalking about just sitting there
and being still and one of themost important aspects of
meditation that I didn't mentionwas to just focus on your
breathing.
So when you're sitting there,just slowly breathing in and out
of your nose. So when you'remeditating, just focus on your
(04:24):
breathing in and out for aboutfour seconds at a time, in and
out of your nose.
That's about it, man. Just trynot to think, just try to let
your mind go completely clear.
At first, it's almostimpossible. like I used to. I
heard this technique ofpicturing a shot clock like a
(04:46):
basketball game. There's like a22nd clock. Just imagine that
clock in your mind counting downand tried to get from 20 down to
zero without thinking anythoughts.
Pretty good.
technique because you realizeright away how it's almost
impossible to get past fourseconds.
You can even get a coupleseconds without even thinking
(05:08):
something like just rememberingsomething from the past or
whatever coming in your head. Imentioned some Eastern
philosophy stuff that was reallygood for learning how to be more
present. And one of the things Imentioned was this audio book
called The doubt a Ching. But Ididn't, I forgot to mention who
it was written by. But it was,it's written by
(05:32):
this guy named Steven Mitchell,s t. e. p. h. e. n. Mitchell,
Steven Mitchell. And I'm notjoking, man, I've listened to
that audio book aboutprobably about 40 times. I mean,
it's not that long. It's onlylike an hour and a half or
something. So the doubt it, hewrote the Tao Te Ching in the
second book of the Dow.
(05:54):
And they're on audio books. Idon't think there's a written
copy of it. But it is.
It's also in like, my golden boxof just amazing things. And like
I've learned so much for so Irecommend, so pick it up, man. I
mean, it's an audio book, youyou can listen to it when you're
driving to work.
Oh, okay. So jumping to thisweek. So this week, we're going
(06:18):
to talk about the logistics ofjust saying hello. And like
exchanging contact information,so you can keep in touch. One of
the first things you want tothink about when you're saying
hello,just remember that people, most
people are actually shy, I'velearned that. And I was
surprised to learn that Ithought I was only when I
thought it was me. And maybelike 10% of the people were shy.
(06:40):
But I've learned that I'm notjoking, maybe about 80% of
people out there are actuallyvery shy. And even though they
might seem social, they might besocial. They're probably only
friends with people they'veknown a very, very long time
they most people don't meet newpeople. So that's why it's
pretty cool torealize that, Hey,
(07:03):
everyone shy, so I don't have tobe that means, you know, people
are actually really open totalking to people because
they're not going out andtalking to people themselves. So
when someone talks to them,they're kind of excited that
hey, especially if you knowyou're finding interesting, and
don't take yourself tooseriously.
(07:24):
So I remember hearing thisquote, let's look at it here.
Okay, so, Albert Einstein,apparently, he's a pretty smart
guy, he is said to have remarkedthat the single most important
decision any of us will evermake is whether or not to
believe that the universe isfriendly.
(07:45):
I like to interpret that as ourpeople friendly, do you believe
that people in general arefriendly. And I want you to
think about that for a second.
Because this will really affecthow you go about improving your
social skills and working onyour social skills. Because as I
recommend, every week, make sureyou talk to one or one or two
new people every single day, ifyou can.
(08:09):
Or you know just people whoalready talking to push those
conversations further than youare normally used to, like if
you meet some guy at work, runinto him every day and you talk
to him for like 20 seconds, youknow, try to push it to two or
three minutes or something likethat. Just keep putting little
sticks and logs on thoseconversation fires to try to
(08:30):
keep it going.
It's a good practice. Justgetting used to talking to new
people very frequently. If youbelieve people are friendly, it
makes it a lot easier to start aconversation with someone with a
quote unquote, stranger. Iactually do believe now that
most people are pretty friendly.
Let's say you're at abarbecue or something like that.
(08:52):
There's just some guy standingthere with his food. And he has
a neutral look on his face. Soyou don't really have a lot of
feedback. Is this guy friendly?
Or is he like, you know, apsycho?
I would say if someone islooking neutral, or if they have
like a slight smile are theylook, you know, have opening
(09:14):
open body language, that'sprobably a decent opportunity to
talk to someone new. Like ifsomeone has like, looks pissed
off. I usually try to avoidthat. I usually won't start a
conversation with someone's gotlike crossed arms or looks
irritated or something likethat. Just because there's
always options, you shouldalways have different options,
(09:35):
more options better.
So you can pretty much talk toanyone. I guess it goes back to
you know, like when you're alittle kid, your parents or they
tell you not to talk tostrangers, and that's probably
really good advice. But as anadult, if no one's told you, I'm
going to tell you right now it'sokay to talk to strangers. In
(09:57):
case I got ingrained into thedeep reading
recesses of your psyche, let'sjust clear that information out.
It is now okay to talk tostrangers. And like if you're in
like, you know, junior high ormiddle school or junior, that's
the same thing. If you're inlike middle school or high
school, you know, it's to me, itjust seems like it's perfectly
fine to talk to any of yourclassmates, you know, they might
(10:19):
be strict, quote, unquote,strangers. But there's no reason
why you shouldn't be able totalk to any of your classmates
and start conversations withpeople you don't know. Okay? So
let me give you a couplescenarios. As we get into the
logistics of just saying, Hi,let's just say like, okay, I
remember, I started a new job. Ihave a lot of, I've had a lot of
(10:41):
jobs, just so you know.
But I started this new job. Iwas in Southern California for a
new job, and I was training. AndI was a new guy. And I started
with probably, maybe like fiveto seven new people. So we were,
we were all like kind of runningaround. We're all like the new
group of people. And, you know,they give at work, they give us
(11:02):
new cell phones and stuff. Sofirst thing right off the bat,
there's always that one littleapplication for notes. So we'd
have these, so they gave usthese new cell phones. And I
always start in,like my iPhone, a new note in
the notepad called people ornames or something like that.
And as soon as I would meetsomeone, and then, you know,
(11:24):
when a new at work, it's suchobvious to me, it's obvious that
like, that's my, that's my in,I'm just gonna, like start going
up to people and just be like,Hey, how's it going? I'm Nate. I
just started here. Bam. I mean,like, How hard is that. And for
the logistics, let me justexplain a couple things. I make
sure that I have usually havelike a little smile on my face
(11:45):
look friendly, you know, I'm notcrossing my arms or have like a
resting bitchfaceor resting asshole face. This
was like when it was okay toshake hands, I would just like,
I would just say, Hey, how's itgoing? My name is Nate. And I
put my hand out to shake theirhand or something. Or when they
say, Oh, I'm Mike. And I'm like,Oh, nice to meet you. And I'd
(12:06):
like,you know, a gauge gauge if we're
doing a handshake or notdepending on I don't know, you
just feel it out. I'd say like,half the time, I'd shake hands
half time, I wouldn't. But thatwas like before there was a
pandemic going around. Soprobably not going to be shaking
a lot of hands right now.
I mean, hopefully, we'll getback to that. for actual like
(12:28):
logistical specifics, I would,you know, make sure to give
people space, you don't want toget into people's personal
space. So I think it's aboutthree feet, and usually stand
about four feet, maybe threefeet, somewhere in that zone. A
lot of times I would like, be alittle angled off, like, you
don't necessarily want to bewalked up straight at a person
(12:51):
facing them directly. And kindof come up at an angle, just
kind of like, feel morecomfortable. In their personal
space. When you'd come on. Youwalk up, you know, slowly, just
picture like a cat, like you'regonna just run up toward cat and
like, try to pet it. What's itgoing to do? It's just gonna run
away. So I mean, just walk upcasually, you know, smile, nod,
(13:14):
okay? How's it going? I'm Nate,or whatever your name is insert
name here.
So that's a good one.
Another thing you might want tothink about is, do you mumble, I
mumble quite a bit. And I don'tknow, there's probably, there's
(13:38):
different vocal exercises youcan do for that, like I heard
that. It's like, you could put apencil bite on him. I actually
tried that one too, I think.
bite on a pencil and say thealphabet, try to enunciate the
alphabet over and over again. Ithink it makes it
able to pronounce better. But Iknow that my name for whatever
(13:59):
reason doesn't carry. My namedoesn't actually carry sonically
very well.
So if like I'm at, you know, ifI'm like in a quiet place, and
someone asked me, asked me myname, I'll just say my name is
Nate. My name is actuallyNathaniel. But I go by that I go
by Nathan or Nate, I reallydon't have any preference. I'll
(14:20):
just say my name is Nate most ofmost of the time. But if I'm in
a, like, maybe a music venue orsomething like that, and someone
asked me what my name is, I'llsay it's Nathan. Just because
I've had so many experienceswhere people are, if I say my
name is Nate in a loudenvironment, they'll hear Nick
(14:40):
or they'll hear they won't hearit very well. So just be aware
of that. When you say your name,say it loudly and clearly
because it is really annoying tohave to keep saying I'm sorry,
what was that again? What wasthat again, just in general. Be
aware of not being clear whenyou're speaking because
I know in my experience, if I'mtalking to someone who I can't
(15:03):
hear very well, or if I have toour if I ask them to repeat it a
number of times, I just bail, Idon't really try to keep it
going, I don't, I lose completeinterest in keeping a
conversation going with amumbler or a quiet speaker. It
is not good. Sojust be aware of that. And if if
you have that issue, like get adigital voice recorder, I have
(15:25):
one, I got like a little SonyDigital Voice Recorder. I used
it for taking notes in school,but I use it for all kinds of
other things.
It'd be a really good way. Andat first, you don't like the
sound of your voice, trust me.
But you'll get over it. Okay, soI remember to like when I wasn't
taking classes at the communitycollege. Let's say you're,
you're in school. So I wouldjust sit, I would sit next to
(15:48):
people that look like they weresomewhat friendly. So like in
math class, I remember, anytimeit's like the first or second
day of math class, I wouldalways just talk to whoever is
next to me. And I would alwaysjust be like, so.
Are you good at math?
And I don't know why. But peoplealways laugh. And I think it's
(16:08):
funny too. Because no, unlessyou're talking to like the two
people who are geniuses at math,no one feels very confident in
math. So I don't know, it's justa funny way to start to open up
a conversation. It's anobservational thing. Using
observational stuff is reallygood.
To start conversationsI was at, I was at a new job
(16:31):
again. And that was training inLas Vegas. I was there for a
whole month.
Andone night, it was like Friday,
I'm like, Okay, I'm definitelygoing out tonight. And it's
really weird to go out in Vegaswithout all your buddies. If
you're just going solo, it feelsreally different. Because you're
not there to party your frickinass off.
(16:56):
Because that's when you do withyour when you're with your
friends. And just a side note,that's why I love Las Vegas,
because when you're there 90% ofpeople there, they're just a
party their ass off. And so it'sjust such a good vibe. There's
no other city in the UnitedStates where 90% of the people
are there to party their ass offevery single night. So that's
(17:17):
why I always like Vegas. But Iwas there for work. So I was
really toning it down. I'm likeI'm, you know, I'm pretty
focused here. I want to makesure you know, I get some sleep.
But I was out at this. I went tothis place called it was the
Cosmopolitan. It's like one ofthe newer hotels and they have
this. They have athis, one of the best bars in
the world. They're called thechandelier bar. And I remember I
(17:40):
mentioned a few episodes backon, you know, looking up stuff,
how to find stuff going on. Solike in Vegas, I just basically
googled 10 best bars in LasVegas. And I made a note of all
the ones I wanted to check out.
You know, it's really easy tofind stuff like that online now.
And this was like in the topfive bars. So I went there
(18:05):
and just ordered a drink. I'mhanging out of the bar. These
two guys come up in there. Theyordered a drink, too. And I
noticed there was they had putthese weird like flower things
in their drink. And I was like,I was like, What is that? What
is that you're putting in there?
And he's like, he's like, Oh,this is
he started telling me about thatdrink. It's like a special drink
(18:27):
they they make at thischandelier bar. I think they
said it was called the flowerdrink. And he's like, it's these
like, he went totally into it.
He's like, yeah, they don't evenhave this on the menu. This
place sold sold like $3 millionworth of these drinks last year
or something like that. And he'slike, they've put this special
flower on it. And I guess it'scalled like a Sichuan flower or
(18:48):
something like that.
And I don't know, he startedtelling me about it. And he
said, He's like, you've nevertried one. I'm like, No, I was
like, No, I never even heard ofit. And he's like, he's like,
well, he he's like the bartendermessed up our order. He's like,
he actually got ordered us threeonly wanted two of them. He's
like you want us you want thisextra one? And I'm like, Yeah,
sure. He's like, Alright, nowtake the flower and
(19:13):
bite into it. And then wait likefive seconds and then take the
drink. And I did that.
And this, whatever. There's someweird chemical on this flower
that makes your mouth feel likeyou. Like just ate like a whole
bag of pop rocks or somethinglike that your mouth just goes
crazy. And I don't know, it wasjust like a such a weird
(19:33):
experience. ButI use that as an example of
like, just using yourobservation, paying attention
being being present. So justlike using something
observational is alwaysI've noticed a really good way
to just open a conversation. SoI was just like, oh, what was
that flower? You're putting itwhat kind of flowers that are
what is that? You're puttingyour drink. So he's
(19:55):
observational stuff. It'sIt's a really good way to open
conversations. Another goodobservational one that I'll use
sometimes, if I'm like, at a baror something like that, and like
a, like a call to hipster barhipster bars always have like,
really good beer selection. Soyou know, just be chatting. You
can just chat someone up, likeif you're standing by them. And
(20:21):
you know, usually, if someone'slike, super deep in
conversation, I mean, I guesssome people don't mind doing
that. But I usually don'tinterrupt people in the middle
of conversation. But if theylook kind of just standing
there, kind of bored orwhatever. That's like a really
good way to just open up aconversation because, you know,
people were bored. And they goout to socialize. And
socializing is fun. So like, ifsomeone has like, a real dark
(20:43):
beer, or something like that,I'm like, I'll just be like,
what kind of what kind of beeris that? And they'll tell me,
and then it's like, Oh, that'sgood. You know, you'd start
talking about beer or whatever.
So just use observational stuff.
Sometimes, like, if I start aconversation, like they'll ask
you, they'll just ask you whatyour name is, or I'll tell them
what my name is. But sometimesI'll have a conversation with
(21:04):
someone for like, 30 minutes.
And then at the end, I'll belike, oh, by the way, my name is
Nate. And they're like, Oh,yeah, I'm Mike or whatever like
that. Or so sometimes you do sayyour name at the beginning,
sometimes you don't even mentionthe name, and you just forget to
even mention your name. So thathappens a lot. So don't be all
stuck on getting the names and,and
(21:26):
because eventually you will, ifyou're going to, you know, keep
in touch or whatever.
So let me give you anotherscenario.
I was at this party. It was likemy friend's boss's party. So
there's It was like, I mean, hehad a real nice house. But
there's probably only like 40people there, maybe, maybe 30
people. And I was talking withmy friends in the on the back
(21:48):
patio. And I could see in thehouse. And I could see the
entryway. So I saw that, likesomeone had arrived. And they
came in the door. And they wereintroduced to some people the
door, whatever. But then I waslike, I don't know, I was paying
close attention. And I saw thatthis person had
started to introduce himself tothe people by the door, and then
(22:13):
in the kitchen. And then in theliving room, this guy was
literally introducing himself toevery single person in the
house. And I was mesmerized, ohwas like holy cow. I didn't
realize that you can walk into aparty, probably not know
anybody, and just startintroducing yourself to every
(22:35):
single person.
And this was a, this is reallyeye opening. Because
I mean, it just changed the wayI thought about,
you know, talking to people at aparty. And so I've in this guy
literally made his way throughthe whole house. And then and
then the backyard. And Ieventually met him too. And you
(22:56):
know, he was nice, charming guy.
He had a big smile on his face.
And he just went around shookeveryone's hand. And it wasn't
like weird or awkward, it wastotally cool as hell. And I
tried to adopt that philosophyor that technique. When I go to
a party, so if I go to a party,I'll just start introducing
(23:16):
myself. And I don't make it tothe whole party I never do, I
usually get stopped about athird of the way in, and I'll
just get stuck in a conversationor two. But it's really good,
because then you could run intothose people later. And like,
Oh, yeah, what was your nameagain, and then just start
talking to him again.
So that is justI don't know. That was like the
the baddest social skillsdemonstration I've ever seen. I
(23:42):
was like, super impressed. Ireally adopted it. So and I tell
you what, try it out. Prove mewrong, did that. That doesn't
work. I mean, if you're at aparty with like, a bunch of
hardcore bikers or something,maybe tone it down a little bit,
I don't know, probably stillwork if you're at a party, and
they're there to just have funand meet people.
(24:05):
Because, you know, if you go toa party, it's actually kind of
expected that you'd socializeand talk to new people.
And a lot of people like I said,a lot of people are shy. So
they're actually happy to likenot be standing there talking to
no one.
There's also something I'veheard of called scaling out a
spot. So if you're like, feellike you get stuck and you're
(24:27):
like kind of a wallflower. Youknow, for like five minutes,
just in the same spot, movearound, move around the party,
move around the venue, movearound the bar, move around, you
know, go to different spots,don't just sit in the same spot
all night. Okay, so let's sayyou've been talking to someone
for 20 minutes an hour. AndI don't know, you're like ready
(24:52):
to go check out another band or,or checkout or you're going to
go to another bar or whatever.
Let's say you're like, I really,this person is like cool to talk
to you. And they'll justexchange I should I should get
their contact information. Sowhat I will do in those
(25:12):
situations, say I'm talking tosomeone, and I'm like, Oh, this
is going well, I like talking tothis person. Maybe we'll catch
up for a beer coffee some othertime. You never know.
I'll give you a specificsituation I was at
sea about a year ago.
Me and my friend went to SanFrancisco to this music school.
(25:37):
For like a meet and greet likean industry meet and greet. We
just meet other students andstuff like that people
interested in making music.
My friend washe produces music, and he's
really good. I do it as kind ofa hobby. But he asked if I
wanted to go, I was like, hellyeah, that sounds cool. Shit. So
we went.
(25:58):
I just talked to people tried totalk to people all night. At one
point, I went outsideto make a phone call. And
I don't know, I was justchilling outside for a minute.
And this other guy comes out.
And he had been in there. Ididn't meet him in there. But we
started talking. And next, youknow, we were talking for like,
20 minutes outside, we'retalking all kinds of stuff. Like
(26:18):
he was in a stand up comedy,too. Like he was in the music.
So we talked about music for alittle bit. But next, you know,
we were talking about stand upcomedy, because I love stand up
comedy. And he wasand he was singing, I don't
know, I just get the just getthe subconscious idea. Like,
Hey, I should get this guy'snumber. Keep in touch or
something. So I was just like,a, I'm probably gonna head back
(26:41):
in there. But man, we should.
Let's keep in touch. Like maybewhen I'm back in back in the
city. I'll hit you up. We'llgrab a beer. Something He's
like, Yeah, for sure. Let's dothat. So what I do is I'll pull
up my phone, I'll say, Okay, howabout I just call you that way,
you have my number. And they'llgive me my number. And I'll put
(27:01):
it in my phone, and I'll dialit. So I have his number. He has
my number.
And then I'll say,I'll put his name in. And about
50% of the time. Honestly, Iforgot their name already. So
I'll just be like, what was?
What was your name again? I'msorry, I forgot him. I'm really
bad with names. And they'll belike, Oh, yeah, me too. So
(27:23):
they'll tell me, they'll saytheir name. And I'll say, Yeah,
my name is Nate, I'll justautomatically say my name. So if
they forgot my name, they don'teven have to ask I just set it
really easy. That's all you do.
Keep the number, text them likethe next day or two, like a is
gonna mean youmight be in town in two weeks,
I'll hit you up on them outthere. Just you know, it's
(27:45):
always good to send a text orcolumn in the next couple days.
Because if you don't, it, thatmoment is so fleeting, that
you'll you'll never talk to himagain. Probably so. And then
I'll, for this particularscenario, I hit him up a couple
(28:05):
times when I was in SanFrancisco, I'm like, Hey, I'm in
town, we tried to meet up, itdidn't actually happen. So I'll
usually one or two times, I'lldo that. And then if it doesn't
happen after that, it probablywon't. Or I just I don't know, I
just don't really push itbecause i have i've, luckily I
have enough options where it'snot really a big deal. If we
don't ever meet again, it'sreally not a big deal. There's
(28:27):
so many people to meet. SoI usually give it one or two
times. And then I guessbasically the balls in their
court, if they really want tohit me up or meet up, they'll
text me.
You know, a lot of times you domeet up, and then it's you start
making friendships. Again,friendships that way, you have
to get their contactinformation.
(28:50):
So I'm an attorney, I guess, Iguess some people use Facebook
or they'll do Instagram. I don'treally do that. I just usually
just get the phone number andthe syntax that way. But do
whatever you were comfortabledoing. But just make sure you
hit them up again or whatever.
And it's good way to keep intouch just like you know, maybe
a week or two just say hey, youwant to grab a beer, you want to
(29:11):
grab a coffee.
Something something very basicnot I don't necessarily do
something like hey, you want togo get dinner? Or or you want to
go get you want to watch amovie. I guess you could do that
stuff. I don't really do that.
But you know, keep it light andbe like, hey, you want to go on
a three day trip to Tahoe?
(29:33):
You probably do that too, but Idon't know. I don't I don't do
it that way. So just, that'sjust a good way to keep contact
information.
I guess that's it for this week.
We're gonna, I'm going to go ona camping trip. So I got to do
some packing and stuff. And nextweek we're going to be talking
abouthow to be non judgmental, and
(29:54):
also a little about a little bitabout what does it mean to just
Cool.
Probably some good stuff to talkabout. We can go into depth
about it. And guess that's itfor this week. So, I hope you
have a great weekend. And makesure you talk to new people, one
(30:15):
or two new people every day andtry to have fun with it. Don't
take yourself too seriously. AndI guess that's it. Take care.
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