July 11, 2020 • 30 mins
In this episode we talk about more ideas on how to put a good vibe when you are socializing. Specifically how to be more non-judgmental and why that is a better way to communicate with others and also what it means to be cool. Also what isn't cool and also talk about a lot of other tips that will help you. I also mention a video I saw recently that will really help you with reading body language. It's from Marcus Oakey and his channel - YourCharismaCoach, check out his stuff it's great!
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Thank you!! - Nathan. : D
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:24):
Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome back to
episode number six of the socialskills lab. I'm your host,
Nathan Ament. See last week, wetalked about saying hello, and
(00:50):
exchanging contact information.
Before we get into that, acouple things I want to talk
about. Since we are still in apandemic, I noticed something
about people wearing masks. It'sactually really hard to hear
(01:13):
people talk with the mask on.
And I don't know if everybodyrealizes this because I, I hear
a lot of people not speaking up,or they'll be I don't know,
they're just basically muffled.
So try to speak up a little bitor an NT or enunciate. See, I
(01:33):
can't even enunciate without amass, so enunciate your words
better. Just because it makes sopeople can actually hear you
through a mask. I was alsolooking over some of the older
episodes. And I noticed there'sa lot of stuff that I wanted to
(01:53):
talk about that I that I missed.
Well, first of all, I saw thisvideo the other night on this
channel called your charismacoach by Marcus okie put a link
to it in the in the showdescription. But he, he does a
interview with this guy namedIgor, lead loski, something like
(02:18):
something like that. But thisguy's like a hypnotist. And this
guy has a very keen ability toread people, he can read
people's body language reallywell. And we had talked about
body language a little bit onone of the previous episodes,
but this on this guy goes intosome pretty good depth on it. So
I'll send you a link on it. Oneof the most important reasons
(02:40):
that you want to learn a lotabout body language is not only
so you can present yourself alot better when you're
communicating with people. Butalso so you can read their body
language, because they're goingto give you constant feedback.
So you can tell if theconversation is going really
well. Or if you could tell if oryou can observe if their eyes
(03:00):
are starting to glaze over, likeyou're starting to, you can see
if you can, you can tell if thetopic you're talking about isn't
very interesting, or theconversations not going well,
it's really important to read ifthey are enjoying the
conversation that you that youhave begun. And this will give
you several options, just knowthat you always have options.
(03:24):
The more options you have, themore options you recognize, the
more effective you can be justin general at life. Option one
is to change the subject, justjust start talking about
something else or change upgears. The other option would be
to may put more energy into whatyou're talking about. Maybe
(03:47):
you're starting to get a littlemonotone or something like that.
Another option too is just towrap it up. Just say hey, you
know it's nice talking to you, Igot to get going. So always have
that little parachute. Soanytime you get in a
conversation know that, youknow, you can always get out of
a conversation at any time. JustJust let them know like, Oh
yeah, it was nice talking toyou. I got to get going, or
(04:08):
something to that effect.
Another thing that I would Iwanted to mention too, as we
talked about it was I think itwas in the same episode is body
language. But the episode wherewe're talking about vocal
tonality is really important tothink about is just to put it
bluntly, you really don't wantto be monotone when you're
talking to someone, some ways tothe ways that people talk who
(04:32):
are very, like, have verycolorful, vibrant, speaking
ability. what they'll do isthey'll change the pitch of
their voice. Like sometimeswe'll talk really low, and then
sometimes we'll talk reallyhigh. So your pitch of your of
your voice will vary throughoutyour your conversation. Also you
can change the rate of your ofyour speaking pattern like
(04:57):
sometimes You'll put pauses inbetween words. Yeah, I guess
create tension when you'retalking a little bit good. That
way, oh, in anticipation, that'sthe word I'm looking for. So put
maybe just, you know, you couldtalk real fast sometimes, or
sometimes,you might just talk a little
slower. And then also thevolume. So you can like, I don't
(05:21):
know, the volume, just vary thevolume of how you're speaking,
maybe sometimes just talk alittle quieter, and then
sometimes you talk really loud.
So those three things, you canchange the pitch, the volume,
and the rate, the way you speak.
And that doing those threethings will they'll make your,
(05:42):
the way you speak, or whatyou're talking about much more
interesting. So make sure youvery pay attention to those
things, and that you work onthose as well. One thing about
that, too, is, as far as thepitch, something some people
will do sometimes is they'll putlike, an upward inflection on
(06:02):
the very last word that of asentence, like just like that.
There. And it's sometimes itsounds like you're not really
sure about sure of what you'retalking about. So some people
will do that a lot. Just try notto do it so much upward
inflection on the very last wordof a sentence will, I don't
(06:24):
know, I guess the best way todescribe it is you'll kind of
lose. If you do it a lot. Itkind of just takes away from
your credibility, or there'ssomething like that. So another
thing that we talked about waswhat to talk about. And I didn't
mention that some things thatyou might want to avoid talking
(06:47):
about our topics that are eithergross, or have our negative, or
just I don't know, either, theymake you mad. So you start
slowly, getting more angry asyou talk makes you sound a
little aggro, or just thingsthat are negative. Talking about
like the murder rate orsomething like that. I'm kind of
(07:08):
hard pressed to think of a topicright now that's really negative
right now. But there's a billionof them. So try to avoid talking
about things that are negativeor that are gross, you don't
want to be talking about how youhad like, surgery on your toe,
and it was spilling pouring puseverywhere or something like
that. And these are just generalrules, sometimes it's fine to
(07:31):
talk about that stuff. Sometimesit just depends who you're
talking to. But just as ageneral rule, it's kind of good
to avoid talking about negativethings and things that are
gross. Okay, so jumping back tolast week, we talked about just
the specifics on saying hello, Iwanted to mention that. Like
(07:53):
sometimes if I'm at a bar, or avenue, and I'm kind of close to
someone, and I'm like this talkto this person, or I just want
to start a conversation withsomeone, but they are facing
away from me. Sometimes, insteadof walking all the way around,
to get in front of them, allthis kind of reach up and tap
(08:16):
them on the shoulder like this,two fingers or one finger reach
up and just tap tap, either thenon the shoulder or like the
upper arm. It's actually one ofthe very, at least in the United
States, it's one of the very fewways that socially acceptable to
physically contact someone, likeyou don't want to tap him on the
(08:36):
head or tap them on the butt.
But tapping someone on theshoulder as far as the dozens or
100 times I've done it, it'sperfectly fine. They'll just
turn around go, Hey, what's up,I'm like, Hey, how's it going?
Something like that. But that'sjust a small thing I thought I'd
mentioned. So this week, we'regoing to talk about being non
(08:59):
judgmental, and what it means tobe cool. Okay, so let's talk
about what it means to be nonjudgmental. So being non
judgmental has a lot to do withyour ego. And for me,
personally, I've been reallyfocused on shrinking my ego,
(09:20):
like my, one of my lifelonggoals is to completely shrink my
ego. I think one of the mainreasons is, if you completely
shrink your Well, this is I kindof learned this from like
Eastern philosophy, but like,complete enlightenment, like
when someone achievesenlightenment, for one, they're
(09:41):
pretty happy. And I want to be Iwant to be more happy. I guess
that's kind of part of beingego, the desire to want things.
So it's kind of a conundrum towant to be happy. You kind of
just are supposed to, I guessyou kind of just achieve
happiness when you let go ofwanting stuff, but Ego is kind
of wrapped up in that. I don'tknow, being judgmental has a lot
(10:04):
to do with your ego.
I just remember one time I wasdriving, and this was after I
started, like thinking about theego. And I saw this young kid,
he was walking down the street,and he had his pants, there were
sagging down, like below hisbutt. And I remember just
thinking, what a douchebag. AndI instantly thought, holy cow, I
(10:27):
just totally judged the f out ofthat guy. And I was like, you
know, I don't want to be likethat. I don't want to do that. I
remember it. And I think Iremember it mostly because I'm
like, Oh, I really recognize howquickly I can judge someone. And
when you're judging, and whenyou just have this general way
about you that you you quicklyjudge people, it's just not good
(10:50):
for like, putting out a goodvibe. And so when you're talking
to someone, I've noticed, a lotof times when I'm talking to
someone, sometimes people justquickly open up to me real
quick, and they'll start tellingme stuff that's like, very
personal. And I think that's, Ithink, possibly one of the
reasons why they'll do that isbecause I kind of put off a
(11:12):
sense that I'm not going tojudge them. So if you want to
have like good deepconversations with people
relatively quickly, it's reallygood idea to just develop a
quality within you of being anon judgmental person. And I'm
not really sure the best way tobook going, the best way to go
about that. Maybe moremeditation, because I know
(11:34):
meditation can help you a lotwith your eat, but with
shrinking your ego. And alsojust try to recognize when you
do it. And if you do it tosomeone to say Oh, I'm sorry, I
was being really judgy. So justgetting the sense, just get in
the habit of being aware ofbeing judgmental. Also, like
maybe, and maybe something alongthose lines would be also
(11:56):
gossiping, like you don't wantto talk crap about other people.
If you're going to talk aboutother people try to always just
talk about the positive things.
Avoid talking about the negativestuff, like I heard, I heard
this a while back was a quickway to really improve your life
is to not talk about the thingsyou don't want, start talking
about, start to talk about thethings that you do want. When I
(12:17):
first heard that, I'm like, thatsounds really difficult because
I constantly, I don't know, Iguess wasn't constant. But I
would sometimes complain aboutstaff or talking about things
that are like wrong with theworld. And then I was like,
Okay, I'm going to really do mybest to just talk about things
that I like, and things that aregoing well. And it can really
(12:39):
change your mindset real quickif you if you really pay
attention doing that. Anotherthing about being judgmental. So
I read this thing online, acouple days ago, it said
something like, if some ifthere's something that someone
else enjoys doing, or somethingsomeone else likes, there's no
reason for you to, to be upsetor angry about it. It will, in
(13:00):
fact, you'll be a lot happier ifyou don't let stuff like that
bother you. And it's such asimple statement. But when you
really think about it, like, Istill notice that I do this. So
this is something that I reallytry to work on is like if
there's like a band, or somemusic group, like if, like,
let's say Kpop I'm really not afan of Kpop. And let's just say
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like, Oh, it's so dumb that somany people listen to kpop.
Like, if they like it, there'sno reason for me to to crap all
over it, they should, I shouldjust be happy that they like it
or just have no opinion. So Imean, that can manifest itself
in so many ways. So just thinkabout that. That's, I thought
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that was a really good advice tojust let other people enjoy what
they like, as long as it's notaffecting you. Like who cares? I
mean, everyone likes differentstuff. So that's definitely
something that would fall inunder the guise of being
judgmental. So another thing Iwant to talk about this week is
the concept of being cool. Iremember as you know, kid,
(14:05):
junior high high school, I hadthis idea of what cool was and
as I've gotten older my idea ofwhat cool is is completely
changed completely changed. AndI don't even know if I could
really describe it well the wayI used to look at it. I mean, I
guess it's just like had a had anice car. nice clothes popular.
(14:27):
And I guess I don't know, Ididn't really have a really good
description of what cool is itbasically was something that I
wasn't I don't really considermyself as being very cool when I
was younger. And not that Iconsider myself being like
really cool now butI definitely am. I don't know a
(14:50):
lot of my friends are reallycool and they like to hang out
with me. So maybe maybe that's agood description of Maybe I'm on
the right track. So. So I thinkthe way I would describe being
cool now, in its simplest terms,is just having good character
and being a mature person. Andthat's pretty much it. I mean,
(15:13):
and maybe like a renaissance manto, like, has ability to, you
know, be comfortable in theirown skin, they're very relaxed,
even when things get a littlehairy, funny, and, you know,
just as comfortable insituations and enjoys life. And
another huge way to describe itwould be to, like, not take life
(15:35):
so seriously and not takethemselves. So seriously. That
was a really big one for me. Iremember I just kind of it's a
little too serious all the time.
One thing I did for that was Istarted when I signed up for
some improv classes. And inthese classes, you're basically
(15:56):
going to be super silly, and actcompletely dumb. And I don't
know, you just play these gamesto like, improv games. And I was
like, wow, this is, this is agreat, this was a great way to
like, make me not, I'm going toloosen up a little bit, you
know, just relax and just enjoythe moment be in the moment. I
(16:16):
think that's another gooddescription, someone who just
isn't so much in their head. Andthere's more in the moment. I
think, I don't know, I made alist here of stuff that is not
cool. So that's also a good wayto describe what's cool is by
knowing what isn't cool, solet's, let's take a look at this
list here. impatient. So theseare things that are not cool.
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being impatient. being negative,whining, immature, needy, being
needy, likes to argue, holdsgrudges, doesn't forgive people
for stuff. Letters, like justdumped trash everywhere, super
serious all the time. Likeyou've seen on online too,
(17:00):
there's been a lot of peoplethey call them Karen's, I guess,
ladies or guys that are like,you know, really mean to like,
waitresses and stuff like that,or, or whatever. I also put in
decisiveness. And I noticed,this is a good one. So I was at
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the bar with my friend. And hewas dating this girl in the bar
was packed. It was like a realnice new bar, like a real
hipster bar. And the place waspacked. We get, we wait for our
drinks for like, I mean, just toorder a drink. It took about
five minutes to until thebartender came over. I was like,
Alright, guys, what do you guyswant? And I was like, I'll take
(17:42):
I don't remember I said, likeold fashion or something like
that. And then my buddy orderedhis drink. And his his, his
date? She was like, um, I don'tknow, how about can you
recommend any? I don't know. Shesaid something like, I don't
know, basically, she had fiveminutes to, to come up with a
drink. And now this bartenderwas like, God. And I've seen
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people do this a lot, like so ifyou're going to go order
something, just know what you'regoing to order, you know, quit
wasting people's times. Andthat, that's just a small
glimpse of being indecisive.
That can happen a lot of ways,but just know what you want. And
don't waste people's times makea decision, even if it's a bad
decision, make a decision. Andif you make a bad decision, say,
Well, that was a dumb that thatwasn't a good idea, or something
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like that own up to it. I mean,there's no, it's really not a
big deal to make bad decisions.
We make decisions all the time.
Leadership is cool. So someonethat takes the lead. Because if
you have three people that goout and no one's making a
decision, you're kind ofstanding there. aimless, so
someone's got to take the lead.
And, and I've noticed thatpeople who are cool often are
(18:51):
comfortable taking the lead onthings. Also, also make things
easier for people. Like so. LikeI just said, you know, being
decisive, makes things easierfor people. I went out with some
friends. We were in SanFrancisco, they got us a room.
So we pulled to the hotel, andthey said parking is $60. And
(19:19):
it's like holy cow that's insome places. That's enough for a
room. So it's like, and mean,basically in San Francisco, if
you want to park your car at ahotel, a lot of times it'll be
very, very expensive. But therewas really not any parking
anywhere. And I could tell thatthey weren't sure. Should we
leave? Should we go try to findparking? I was like, Oh, no, I
got it. I'll just pay for it.
AndI mean, 60 bucks is a lot but at
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the same time, you know, we'rethere. It's like Friday. We're
gonna have a good time. I don'twant to waste time trying to
find parking. So I was like, No,no big deal. Let's just pay for
it here. I got I got it. Sostuff like that just make things
easier for people. It really Itgoes a long way. And you know,
people don't always notice it orwhatever, but just be in the
(20:03):
habit, like, you know, if you'regonna have to like run errands,
and your friends gonna pick youup, don't like have them run,
run errands with you, unlessthey want to go. But you know,
try to take care of all yourstuff that you have to take care
of before you go out. Or, youknow, you see someone carrying
something and they're havingtrouble carrying it, help them
(20:23):
carry it or something. I don'tknow, this can happen in so many
ways, but just make things helpother people with stuff be more
helpful. That's always verycool. I think. Something else
too, that isn't, I wouldconsider not being cool is
trying to manipulate people.
Like one way is saying shouldlike, Oh, you should have done
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that. Or, I mean, not evennecessarily guilt tripping them.
But guilt tripping people isalso not a good thing to do to
people. That's not very cool. Imean, it's basically just like,
it's, it's an immature thing todo. So like when you're when you
what you want to do is be amature person. So mature person
is okay with saying no. And okaywith hearing No, like, they
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don't get upset, they don't getlike knocked off their center.
So someone that's like cool islike, pretty easy going. Like,
let's say, you get cut off onthe freeway. And you know,
there's people that get roadrage, road rage, not cool. I
used to actually get road rage alot. When I was first starting
this new job where I was drivingabout two hours a day around
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Sacramento, people inCalifornia, I've noticed they
don't drive very well. They'lldrive either too fast, or
they'll drive too slow.
Basically anything that's notI'm not happy with if they're
not driving my speed, I wasgetting pissed off. And so I
noticed I'm like, Man, this isreally getting me angry. I don't
know what to do about this. So Icame up with the idea that I'm
(21:53):
going to drive in the slow lanefor one month. And, you know, I
pretty much did it. If someonewas going like 50 miles an hour,
I would go around them. But ifthey're going like 65, which is
what people drive in the slowlane around here. Yeah, I would
just stay in the slow lane for awhole month. And at first. And
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when I see at first I mean forlike the first hour, it was
really, really difficult. I wasreally frustrated. But then I
just learned to like, Okay, I'mjust not going to tailgate, I'm
going to kick back, you know,but 100 feet. And I noticed that
after a while I didn't evennotice that I was driving slow.
It's weird. It's like the theoryof relativity, like after a
(22:37):
while just like became normal.
And I pretty much got over myroad rage. And I've told this to
people, like if someone says, Iremember talking to this lady,
she said, she gets road rage allthe time. And I said, Oh, you
know what I did that worked forthat really well. She's like,
oh, what I was like, I justdrove in the slow lane for a
month. And she's like, Oh, Ican't do that. And I'm like,
(23:00):
Okay, well just enjoy your Enjoyyour road rage. Like, I don't
know, people just don't like totake this, they can't imagine
changing their habit andsomething that so simple as
that. So that's another thingtoo, is about being cool. I've
noticed as being more patientpatients, they say patience is a
virtue. And it's something thateveryone, including myself
(23:22):
especially needs to work on alot. Still. impatience is
basically being someone who'simmature, that's an immature
quality. SoI mean, I think just in general,
the whole concept of havingreally high character is a
really cool, just you become acool person, when you just
cultivate all the qualities ofhigh character. And there's
(23:42):
like, I don't know, Google it,there's, there's like 100
different qualities. But youknow, we'll talk about some of
that stuff later. But all thisstuff, in general, just help you
communicate better, you'll startputting off a better vibe when
you talk to people. So I mean,all this stuff. It's kinda like
a holistic approach to tocommunication skills,
communication skills, if youhaven't figured it out by now,
(24:05):
it's not just words. It's howyou how you are as a person. So
that's why I really tried totalk about everything that I've
learned, that I've noticed, hashelped me be a better
communicator, and has improvedmy social skills a lot. And I
hope you're starting to figurethat out that we're definitely
gonna be talking about all kindsof different areas, in social
(24:25):
skills, because I don't know, Iguess just social skills is is
basically who you are as aperson in general. You're going
to want to work on yourself alot in every aspect. We're going
to take a multifaceted,multifaceted approach to your
social skills. And I really,really think it's going to help
(24:47):
you a lot if you if you takethese to heart, and that's one
time this one time I went to awedding with my friend and his
brother was there. His brotherwas a little older than us and
This guy, I remember thinking,Man, this guy was really cool.
And I was a lot younger, but Idon't know, I guess he had a lot
of challenges and difficultiesover a couple years. And he kind
of became like, kind of aggro,aggro being like a, you know,
(25:11):
kind of aggressive style person.
And so I remember we weretalking in the car, we were, I
don't know, we just got on thistopic. I think it was about
maybe, religion or somethinglike that, which, you know, a
lot of people say you shouldn'ttalk about religion. I do it
sometimes. And usually, it goesreally well. But this time, this
(25:32):
guy, just basically, he reallyliked to argue, and he can go on
kind of a rant for about, hewent on a rant for about 10
minutes. And I was like, holycow, this guy's just wants to be
right. I think that's a realimportant thing to think about
is, you're not always going tobe right, no matter how smart
you are. Even, I want you tothink back to like, okay, all
(25:53):
the times I've gotten into anargument or disagreed with
someone in the last year, like,How many times did that happen?
And how many times did I think Iwas right? And how many times,
quote, unquote, was I was surethat I was right, and that they
were wrong? Well, I'm going totell you, if you were right,
(26:15):
even 60% of the time, you wereprobably a genius, because
there's no way that you can beright 95% of the time. And
that's probably what you thinkyou're like, oh is probably
right, at least 90 95% of thetime, not even close. There's no
way. And I've noticed as to thatlike holy cow. In the last
(26:36):
month, I've said things thatwere just like, Well, I was
wrong. I was wrong. I'm becomingmore and more comfortable
admitting I was wrong. Like,I'll just joke around with
someone, like if we look up afact that I pretty sure was
right. And it turns out, I waswrong. We'll just joke around.
I'm like, wow, that's like thefirst time I was wrong this
year, or something like that. Tome, it's really not a big deal.
(26:58):
And I think when people want tobe right, that really ties back
in with their ego. And so justknow that you are, there's no
way you're right, over 90% ofthe time, you're gonna be wrong,
and a significant amount oftime, and it's nowhere close to
what you actually think it is.
So feeling like you're alwaysright, that's definitely not
cool, be more comfortable withbeing wrong. And like not
(27:21):
arguing with people. Even if youwin an argument, just know that
you're gonna probably hurt yourconnection with the person or
hurt your vibe. So what's theultimate goal, the ultimate goal
is to be happy and have fun,right? So just try to avoid
arguing with people like you candisagree with people and stuff.
And, you know, if it's like areally good friend of yours,
(27:43):
have a little challengingdiscussion or debate about stuff
like that, but in like ingeneral, probably want to avoid
that stuff. So I think that'sgonna be all for this week. Next
week, we're going to be talkingabout the idea of what it means
to be funny. And also we'regoing to talk a little bit about
personal boundary. It's like apsychological concept that I
(28:04):
learned about and it's been veryuseful. So have a great week,
everyone. I hope you are doingwell and have fun. Don't take
your self too seriously. AndI'll talk to you next week.
Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome back to
episode number six of the socialskills lab. I'm your host,
Nathan Ament. See last week, wetalked about saying hello, and
(00:50):
exchanging contact information.
Before we get into that, acouple things I want to talk
about. Since we are still in apandemic, I noticed something
about people wearing masks. It'sactually really hard to hear
(01:13):
people talk with the mask on.
And I don't know if everybodyrealizes this because I, I hear
a lot of people not speaking up,or they'll be I don't know,
they're just basically muffled.
So try to speak up a little bitor an NT or enunciate. See, I
(01:33):
can't even enunciate without amass, so enunciate your words
better. Just because it makes sopeople can actually hear you
through a mask. I was alsolooking over some of the older
episodes. And I noticed there'sa lot of stuff that I wanted to
(01:53):
talk about that I that I missed.
Well, first of all, I saw thisvideo the other night on this
channel called your charismacoach by Marcus okie put a link
to it in the in the showdescription. But he, he does a
interview with this guy namedIgor, lead loski, something like
(02:18):
something like that. But thisguy's like a hypnotist. And this
guy has a very keen ability toread people, he can read
people's body language reallywell. And we had talked about
body language a little bit onone of the previous episodes,
but this on this guy goes intosome pretty good depth on it. So
I'll send you a link on it. Oneof the most important reasons
(02:40):
that you want to learn a lotabout body language is not only
so you can present yourself alot better when you're
communicating with people. Butalso so you can read their body
language, because they're goingto give you constant feedback.
So you can tell if theconversation is going really
well. Or if you could tell if oryou can observe if their eyes
(03:00):
are starting to glaze over, likeyou're starting to, you can see
if you can, you can tell if thetopic you're talking about isn't
very interesting, or theconversations not going well,
it's really important to read ifthey are enjoying the
conversation that you that youhave begun. And this will give
you several options, just knowthat you always have options.
(03:24):
The more options you have, themore options you recognize, the
more effective you can be justin general at life. Option one
is to change the subject, justjust start talking about
something else or change upgears. The other option would be
to may put more energy into whatyou're talking about. Maybe
(03:47):
you're starting to get a littlemonotone or something like that.
Another option too is just towrap it up. Just say hey, you
know it's nice talking to you, Igot to get going. So always have
that little parachute. Soanytime you get in a
conversation know that, youknow, you can always get out of
a conversation at any time. JustJust let them know like, Oh
yeah, it was nice talking toyou. I got to get going, or
(04:08):
something to that effect.
Another thing that I would Iwanted to mention too, as we
talked about it was I think itwas in the same episode is body
language. But the episode wherewe're talking about vocal
tonality is really important tothink about is just to put it
bluntly, you really don't wantto be monotone when you're
talking to someone, some ways tothe ways that people talk who
(04:32):
are very, like, have verycolorful, vibrant, speaking
ability. what they'll do isthey'll change the pitch of
their voice. Like sometimeswe'll talk really low, and then
sometimes we'll talk reallyhigh. So your pitch of your of
your voice will vary throughoutyour your conversation. Also you
can change the rate of your ofyour speaking pattern like
(04:57):
sometimes You'll put pauses inbetween words. Yeah, I guess
create tension when you'retalking a little bit good. That
way, oh, in anticipation, that'sthe word I'm looking for. So put
maybe just, you know, you couldtalk real fast sometimes, or
sometimes,you might just talk a little
slower. And then also thevolume. So you can like, I don't
(05:21):
know, the volume, just vary thevolume of how you're speaking,
maybe sometimes just talk alittle quieter, and then
sometimes you talk really loud.
So those three things, you canchange the pitch, the volume,
and the rate, the way you speak.
And that doing those threethings will they'll make your,
(05:42):
the way you speak, or whatyou're talking about much more
interesting. So make sure youvery pay attention to those
things, and that you work onthose as well. One thing about
that, too, is, as far as thepitch, something some people
will do sometimes is they'll putlike, an upward inflection on
(06:02):
the very last word that of asentence, like just like that.
There. And it's sometimes itsounds like you're not really
sure about sure of what you'retalking about. So some people
will do that a lot. Just try notto do it so much upward
inflection on the very last wordof a sentence will, I don't
(06:24):
know, I guess the best way todescribe it is you'll kind of
lose. If you do it a lot. Itkind of just takes away from
your credibility, or there'ssomething like that. So another
thing that we talked about waswhat to talk about. And I didn't
mention that some things thatyou might want to avoid talking
(06:47):
about our topics that are eithergross, or have our negative, or
just I don't know, either, theymake you mad. So you start
slowly, getting more angry asyou talk makes you sound a
little aggro, or just thingsthat are negative. Talking about
like the murder rate orsomething like that. I'm kind of
(07:08):
hard pressed to think of a topicright now that's really negative
right now. But there's a billionof them. So try to avoid talking
about things that are negativeor that are gross, you don't
want to be talking about how youhad like, surgery on your toe,
and it was spilling pouring puseverywhere or something like
that. And these are just generalrules, sometimes it's fine to
(07:31):
talk about that stuff. Sometimesit just depends who you're
talking to. But just as ageneral rule, it's kind of good
to avoid talking about negativethings and things that are
gross. Okay, so jumping back tolast week, we talked about just
the specifics on saying hello, Iwanted to mention that. Like
(07:53):
sometimes if I'm at a bar, or avenue, and I'm kind of close to
someone, and I'm like this talkto this person, or I just want
to start a conversation withsomeone, but they are facing
away from me. Sometimes, insteadof walking all the way around,
to get in front of them, allthis kind of reach up and tap
(08:16):
them on the shoulder like this,two fingers or one finger reach
up and just tap tap, either thenon the shoulder or like the
upper arm. It's actually one ofthe very, at least in the United
States, it's one of the very fewways that socially acceptable to
physically contact someone, likeyou don't want to tap him on the
(08:36):
head or tap them on the butt.
But tapping someone on theshoulder as far as the dozens or
100 times I've done it, it'sperfectly fine. They'll just
turn around go, Hey, what's up,I'm like, Hey, how's it going?
Something like that. But that'sjust a small thing I thought I'd
mentioned. So this week, we'regoing to talk about being non
(08:59):
judgmental, and what it means tobe cool. Okay, so let's talk
about what it means to be nonjudgmental. So being non
judgmental has a lot to do withyour ego. And for me,
personally, I've been reallyfocused on shrinking my ego,
(09:20):
like my, one of my lifelonggoals is to completely shrink my
ego. I think one of the mainreasons is, if you completely
shrink your Well, this is I kindof learned this from like
Eastern philosophy, but like,complete enlightenment, like
when someone achievesenlightenment, for one, they're
(09:41):
pretty happy. And I want to be Iwant to be more happy. I guess
that's kind of part of beingego, the desire to want things.
So it's kind of a conundrum towant to be happy. You kind of
just are supposed to, I guessyou kind of just achieve
happiness when you let go ofwanting stuff, but Ego is kind
of wrapped up in that. I don'tknow, being judgmental has a lot
(10:04):
to do with your ego.
I just remember one time I wasdriving, and this was after I
started, like thinking about theego. And I saw this young kid,
he was walking down the street,and he had his pants, there were
sagging down, like below hisbutt. And I remember just
thinking, what a douchebag. AndI instantly thought, holy cow, I
(10:27):
just totally judged the f out ofthat guy. And I was like, you
know, I don't want to be likethat. I don't want to do that. I
remember it. And I think Iremember it mostly because I'm
like, Oh, I really recognize howquickly I can judge someone. And
when you're judging, and whenyou just have this general way
about you that you you quicklyjudge people, it's just not good
(10:50):
for like, putting out a goodvibe. And so when you're talking
to someone, I've noticed, a lotof times when I'm talking to
someone, sometimes people justquickly open up to me real
quick, and they'll start tellingme stuff that's like, very
personal. And I think that's, Ithink, possibly one of the
reasons why they'll do that isbecause I kind of put off a
(11:12):
sense that I'm not going tojudge them. So if you want to
have like good deepconversations with people
relatively quickly, it's reallygood idea to just develop a
quality within you of being anon judgmental person. And I'm
not really sure the best way tobook going, the best way to go
about that. Maybe moremeditation, because I know
(11:34):
meditation can help you a lotwith your eat, but with
shrinking your ego. And alsojust try to recognize when you
do it. And if you do it tosomeone to say Oh, I'm sorry, I
was being really judgy. So justgetting the sense, just get in
the habit of being aware ofbeing judgmental. Also, like
maybe, and maybe something alongthose lines would be also
(11:56):
gossiping, like you don't wantto talk crap about other people.
If you're going to talk aboutother people try to always just
talk about the positive things.
Avoid talking about the negativestuff, like I heard, I heard
this a while back was a quickway to really improve your life
is to not talk about the thingsyou don't want, start talking
about, start to talk about thethings that you do want. When I
(12:17):
first heard that, I'm like, thatsounds really difficult because
I constantly, I don't know, Iguess wasn't constant. But I
would sometimes complain aboutstaff or talking about things
that are like wrong with theworld. And then I was like,
Okay, I'm going to really do mybest to just talk about things
that I like, and things that aregoing well. And it can really
(12:39):
change your mindset real quickif you if you really pay
attention doing that. Anotherthing about being judgmental. So
I read this thing online, acouple days ago, it said
something like, if some ifthere's something that someone
else enjoys doing, or somethingsomeone else likes, there's no
reason for you to, to be upsetor angry about it. It will, in
(13:00):
fact, you'll be a lot happier ifyou don't let stuff like that
bother you. And it's such asimple statement. But when you
really think about it, like, Istill notice that I do this. So
this is something that I reallytry to work on is like if
there's like a band, or somemusic group, like if, like,
let's say Kpop I'm really not afan of Kpop. And let's just say
(13:21):
like, Oh, it's so dumb that somany people listen to kpop.
Like, if they like it, there'sno reason for me to to crap all
over it, they should, I shouldjust be happy that they like it
or just have no opinion. So Imean, that can manifest itself
in so many ways. So just thinkabout that. That's, I thought
(13:42):
that was a really good advice tojust let other people enjoy what
they like, as long as it's notaffecting you. Like who cares? I
mean, everyone likes differentstuff. So that's definitely
something that would fall inunder the guise of being
judgmental. So another thing Iwant to talk about this week is
the concept of being cool. Iremember as you know, kid,
(14:05):
junior high high school, I hadthis idea of what cool was and
as I've gotten older my idea ofwhat cool is is completely
changed completely changed. AndI don't even know if I could
really describe it well the wayI used to look at it. I mean, I
guess it's just like had a had anice car. nice clothes popular.
(14:27):
And I guess I don't know, Ididn't really have a really good
description of what cool is itbasically was something that I
wasn't I don't really considermyself as being very cool when I
was younger. And not that Iconsider myself being like
really cool now butI definitely am. I don't know a
(14:50):
lot of my friends are reallycool and they like to hang out
with me. So maybe maybe that's agood description of Maybe I'm on
the right track. So. So I thinkthe way I would describe being
cool now, in its simplest terms,is just having good character
and being a mature person. Andthat's pretty much it. I mean,
(15:13):
and maybe like a renaissance manto, like, has ability to, you
know, be comfortable in theirown skin, they're very relaxed,
even when things get a littlehairy, funny, and, you know,
just as comfortable insituations and enjoys life. And
another huge way to describe itwould be to, like, not take life
(15:35):
so seriously and not takethemselves. So seriously. That
was a really big one for me. Iremember I just kind of it's a
little too serious all the time.
One thing I did for that was Istarted when I signed up for
some improv classes. And inthese classes, you're basically
(15:56):
going to be super silly, and actcompletely dumb. And I don't
know, you just play these gamesto like, improv games. And I was
like, wow, this is, this is agreat, this was a great way to
like, make me not, I'm going toloosen up a little bit, you
know, just relax and just enjoythe moment be in the moment. I
(16:16):
think that's another gooddescription, someone who just
isn't so much in their head. Andthere's more in the moment. I
think, I don't know, I made alist here of stuff that is not
cool. So that's also a good wayto describe what's cool is by
knowing what isn't cool, solet's, let's take a look at this
list here. impatient. So theseare things that are not cool.
(16:37):
being impatient. being negative,whining, immature, needy, being
needy, likes to argue, holdsgrudges, doesn't forgive people
for stuff. Letters, like justdumped trash everywhere, super
serious all the time. Likeyou've seen on online too,
(17:00):
there's been a lot of peoplethey call them Karen's, I guess,
ladies or guys that are like,you know, really mean to like,
waitresses and stuff like that,or, or whatever. I also put in
decisiveness. And I noticed,this is a good one. So I was at
(17:21):
the bar with my friend. And hewas dating this girl in the bar
was packed. It was like a realnice new bar, like a real
hipster bar. And the place waspacked. We get, we wait for our
drinks for like, I mean, just toorder a drink. It took about
five minutes to until thebartender came over. I was like,
Alright, guys, what do you guyswant? And I was like, I'll take
(17:42):
I don't remember I said, likeold fashion or something like
that. And then my buddy orderedhis drink. And his his, his
date? She was like, um, I don'tknow, how about can you
recommend any? I don't know. Shesaid something like, I don't
know, basically, she had fiveminutes to, to come up with a
drink. And now this bartenderwas like, God. And I've seen
(18:04):
people do this a lot, like so ifyou're going to go order
something, just know what you'regoing to order, you know, quit
wasting people's times. Andthat, that's just a small
glimpse of being indecisive.
That can happen a lot of ways,but just know what you want. And
don't waste people's times makea decision, even if it's a bad
decision, make a decision. Andif you make a bad decision, say,
Well, that was a dumb that thatwasn't a good idea, or something
(18:28):
like that own up to it. I mean,there's no, it's really not a
big deal to make bad decisions.
We make decisions all the time.
Leadership is cool. So someonethat takes the lead. Because if
you have three people that goout and no one's making a
decision, you're kind ofstanding there. aimless, so
someone's got to take the lead.
And, and I've noticed thatpeople who are cool often are
(18:51):
comfortable taking the lead onthings. Also, also make things
easier for people. Like so. LikeI just said, you know, being
decisive, makes things easierfor people. I went out with some
friends. We were in SanFrancisco, they got us a room.
So we pulled to the hotel, andthey said parking is $60. And
(19:19):
it's like holy cow that's insome places. That's enough for a
room. So it's like, and mean,basically in San Francisco, if
you want to park your car at ahotel, a lot of times it'll be
very, very expensive. But therewas really not any parking
anywhere. And I could tell thatthey weren't sure. Should we
leave? Should we go try to findparking? I was like, Oh, no, I
got it. I'll just pay for it.
AndI mean, 60 bucks is a lot but at
(19:43):
the same time, you know, we'rethere. It's like Friday. We're
gonna have a good time. I don'twant to waste time trying to
find parking. So I was like, No,no big deal. Let's just pay for
it here. I got I got it. Sostuff like that just make things
easier for people. It really Itgoes a long way. And you know,
people don't always notice it orwhatever, but just be in the
(20:03):
habit, like, you know, if you'regonna have to like run errands,
and your friends gonna pick youup, don't like have them run,
run errands with you, unlessthey want to go. But you know,
try to take care of all yourstuff that you have to take care
of before you go out. Or, youknow, you see someone carrying
something and they're havingtrouble carrying it, help them
(20:23):
carry it or something. I don'tknow, this can happen in so many
ways, but just make things helpother people with stuff be more
helpful. That's always verycool. I think. Something else
too, that isn't, I wouldconsider not being cool is
trying to manipulate people.
Like one way is saying shouldlike, Oh, you should have done
(20:48):
that. Or, I mean, not evennecessarily guilt tripping them.
But guilt tripping people isalso not a good thing to do to
people. That's not very cool. Imean, it's basically just like,
it's, it's an immature thing todo. So like when you're when you
what you want to do is be amature person. So mature person
is okay with saying no. And okaywith hearing No, like, they
(21:10):
don't get upset, they don't getlike knocked off their center.
So someone that's like cool islike, pretty easy going. Like,
let's say, you get cut off onthe freeway. And you know,
there's people that get roadrage, road rage, not cool. I
used to actually get road rage alot. When I was first starting
this new job where I was drivingabout two hours a day around
(21:32):
Sacramento, people inCalifornia, I've noticed they
don't drive very well. They'lldrive either too fast, or
they'll drive too slow.
Basically anything that's notI'm not happy with if they're
not driving my speed, I wasgetting pissed off. And so I
noticed I'm like, Man, this isreally getting me angry. I don't
know what to do about this. So Icame up with the idea that I'm
(21:53):
going to drive in the slow lanefor one month. And, you know, I
pretty much did it. If someonewas going like 50 miles an hour,
I would go around them. But ifthey're going like 65, which is
what people drive in the slowlane around here. Yeah, I would
just stay in the slow lane for awhole month. And at first. And
(22:15):
when I see at first I mean forlike the first hour, it was
really, really difficult. I wasreally frustrated. But then I
just learned to like, Okay, I'mjust not going to tailgate, I'm
going to kick back, you know,but 100 feet. And I noticed that
after a while I didn't evennotice that I was driving slow.
It's weird. It's like the theoryof relativity, like after a
(22:37):
while just like became normal.
And I pretty much got over myroad rage. And I've told this to
people, like if someone says, Iremember talking to this lady,
she said, she gets road rage allthe time. And I said, Oh, you
know what I did that worked forthat really well. She's like,
oh, what I was like, I justdrove in the slow lane for a
month. And she's like, Oh, Ican't do that. And I'm like,
(23:00):
Okay, well just enjoy your Enjoyyour road rage. Like, I don't
know, people just don't like totake this, they can't imagine
changing their habit andsomething that so simple as
that. So that's another thingtoo, is about being cool. I've
noticed as being more patientpatients, they say patience is a
virtue. And it's something thateveryone, including myself
(23:22):
especially needs to work on alot. Still. impatience is
basically being someone who'simmature, that's an immature
quality. SoI mean, I think just in general,
the whole concept of havingreally high character is a
really cool, just you become acool person, when you just
cultivate all the qualities ofhigh character. And there's
(23:42):
like, I don't know, Google it,there's, there's like 100
different qualities. But youknow, we'll talk about some of
that stuff later. But all thisstuff, in general, just help you
communicate better, you'll startputting off a better vibe when
you talk to people. So I mean,all this stuff. It's kinda like
a holistic approach to tocommunication skills,
communication skills, if youhaven't figured it out by now,
(24:05):
it's not just words. It's howyou how you are as a person. So
that's why I really tried totalk about everything that I've
learned, that I've noticed, hashelped me be a better
communicator, and has improvedmy social skills a lot. And I
hope you're starting to figurethat out that we're definitely
gonna be talking about all kindsof different areas, in social
(24:25):
skills, because I don't know, Iguess just social skills is is
basically who you are as aperson in general. You're going
to want to work on yourself alot in every aspect. We're going
to take a multifaceted,multifaceted approach to your
social skills. And I really,really think it's going to help
(24:47):
you a lot if you if you takethese to heart, and that's one
time this one time I went to awedding with my friend and his
brother was there. His brotherwas a little older than us and
This guy, I remember thinking,Man, this guy was really cool.
And I was a lot younger, but Idon't know, I guess he had a lot
of challenges and difficultiesover a couple years. And he kind
of became like, kind of aggro,aggro being like a, you know,
(25:11):
kind of aggressive style person.
And so I remember we weretalking in the car, we were, I
don't know, we just got on thistopic. I think it was about
maybe, religion or somethinglike that, which, you know, a
lot of people say you shouldn'ttalk about religion. I do it
sometimes. And usually, it goesreally well. But this time, this
(25:32):
guy, just basically, he reallyliked to argue, and he can go on
kind of a rant for about, hewent on a rant for about 10
minutes. And I was like, holycow, this guy's just wants to be
right. I think that's a realimportant thing to think about
is, you're not always going tobe right, no matter how smart
you are. Even, I want you tothink back to like, okay, all
(25:53):
the times I've gotten into anargument or disagreed with
someone in the last year, like,How many times did that happen?
And how many times did I think Iwas right? And how many times,
quote, unquote, was I was surethat I was right, and that they
were wrong? Well, I'm going totell you, if you were right,
(26:15):
even 60% of the time, you wereprobably a genius, because
there's no way that you can beright 95% of the time. And
that's probably what you thinkyou're like, oh is probably
right, at least 90 95% of thetime, not even close. There's no
way. And I've noticed as to thatlike holy cow. In the last
(26:36):
month, I've said things thatwere just like, Well, I was
wrong. I was wrong. I'm becomingmore and more comfortable
admitting I was wrong. Like,I'll just joke around with
someone, like if we look up afact that I pretty sure was
right. And it turns out, I waswrong. We'll just joke around.
I'm like, wow, that's like thefirst time I was wrong this
year, or something like that. Tome, it's really not a big deal.
(26:58):
And I think when people want tobe right, that really ties back
in with their ego. And so justknow that you are, there's no
way you're right, over 90% ofthe time, you're gonna be wrong,
and a significant amount oftime, and it's nowhere close to
what you actually think it is.
So feeling like you're alwaysright, that's definitely not
cool, be more comfortable withbeing wrong. And like not
(27:21):
arguing with people. Even if youwin an argument, just know that
you're gonna probably hurt yourconnection with the person or
hurt your vibe. So what's theultimate goal, the ultimate goal
is to be happy and have fun,right? So just try to avoid
arguing with people like you candisagree with people and stuff.
And, you know, if it's like areally good friend of yours,
(27:43):
have a little challengingdiscussion or debate about stuff
like that, but in like ingeneral, probably want to avoid
that stuff. So I think that'sgonna be all for this week. Next
week, we're going to be talkingabout the idea of what it means
to be funny. And also we'regoing to talk a little bit about
personal boundary. It's like apsychological concept that I
(28:04):
learned about and it's been veryuseful. So have a great week,
everyone. I hope you are doingwell and have fun. Don't take
your self too seriously. AndI'll talk to you next week.
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