July 31, 2020 • 26 mins
This week we are grateful for electricity and we also ask ourselves, "What is a friend?" Well, it's regular shared positive emotions with another great person, simple right? We also talk about the Social Circle and how if you aren't expanding your Social Circle then it is probably shrinking. Be sure to check out a couple great books I mentioned on this show about better etiquette and how Feng Shui can make your spot the spot to be!
I always appreciate any support ; D
https://www.patreon.com/TSSLpodcast
paypal.me/TSSLpodcast
Thank you!! - Nathan. : D
As a Gentlemen Would Say & Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:14):
Hey, what's up, everybody?
Welcome back to another episodeof the social skills lab. I'm
your host, Nathan Hopeyou're having a good day,
whatever you're up to Isaw on the or I was listening to
the radio, and they were talkingabout all these
(00:41):
studies are coming out abouthaving gratitude how it makes
you feel better. And I've been alittle stressed out lately. So I
was like, you know, keep hearingthat, about this. And I have
done that where I've, you know,wrote down things that I'm
grateful for, butI wasn't very consistent at it.
(01:02):
So I decided I was like, Okay,I'm gonna,
I'm gonna try to list offthings, just verbally, I'm not
gonna write them down, I'm justgonna say them out loud. I'm
just going to state things thatI'm really grateful for. So I've
been doing that every morning.
And then also in the evening, soI've been trying to do it twice
a day. And I think it actuallyis starting to make me feel a
(01:23):
little better.
And I've been doing it for abouta week. So wish me luck. I'm
gonna keep doing it. I'll keepyou posted to see to lane how it
goes. Because that's one thingabout social skills.
If you have a, if you're in agood mood, you're going to put
(01:44):
off a better vibe. No doubt.
Okay, so let's talk aboutwhat we talked about last week.
So last week, we talked aboutbeing funny. And we also talked
about the personal boundary. Sobeing funny. Yeah, that's one of
my favorite things. I like beingfunny. I like making my friends
laugh. I like joking around, Ithink that you can get better at
(02:07):
it. I think that what you reallyhave to do if you really want to
be funnier is you really justhave to go for it. You just have
to start saying the things thatyou think are funny out loud.
And people will give youfeedback, they'll let you know
if it's funny by laughing.
(02:27):
Or they'll just won't doanything. And that will tell you
that you need to work on it.
Like when people dogo up and do stand up comedy,
like an open mic. There's nomine, the audience is going to
tell you for fun or not.
I think a big part of it, too,is delivery. So the more you go
(02:49):
for it,you'll start getting some laughs
you'll start getting a littlemore confident. And the more
confident you get at it, yourdelivery will be better. And if
you want to see someone withamazing, impeccable delivery,
just watch Dave Chappelle, thatguy's delivery is so onpoint.
Like he can actually make peoplelaugh, just by saying like four
(03:12):
words. Without even there beinga joke. He's just his delivery
is so good. hisvocal tonality is just, man. I
mean it.
You just watch some videos ofDave Chappelle, you'll see what
I'm talking about.
Okay, so we also talked a littlebit about the personal boundary.
(03:34):
So the key part points of thatwas learning how to say no, and
learning how to hear now. So Ithink I'm getting a lot better
at saying no,I'm still working at hearing
now. Like, yesterday, I lost myair pods. And I was pretty
bummed out about it. And eventhough I told myself, I'm like,
(03:56):
Look, it's just, it's just yourair pods. You know, the universe
told you no, you don't get tokeep them.
Even though I lost them. Like Iopened up my air pod container,
and I looked in, there's nothingin there. I'm like,
where the helmet, my air podsgo. And I looked everywhere.
(04:16):
couldn't find it. So today, Ijust ordered a new pair.
I'm not happy. I'm not thrilledabout forking out another 150
bucks for him. Butman, they're just so useful.
They're actually I've had somany pairs of headphones in my
life and the air pods are likethe next level of
they're not the greatest soundquality, but they are. They're
(04:38):
really good for wireless earbudsand I use it for work. I use it
for FaceTime, stuff like that.
And I work in noisyenvironments. So I have to have
something like that.
Learn to learn to say no learnto hear. No, I think a lot of
people don't understand thathearing. being okay with someone
saying no to you, is reallyimportant. I mean only very
(04:59):
mature people.
are totally okay with that.
I hit my friend up. I was like,hey, there's this drive thru art
show in Sacramento this weekend.
I was asking if you want it togo. And he's like, yeah, let me
know on Friday. I'll let youknow by then. So Friday rolled
around. And I was like, so doyou want to go to this art show?
(05:19):
He's like, he's like, yeah,let's, let's do it. So I go
online to buy tickets, andthey're sold out.
Like, oh, yeah, they're soldout. Now. He's like, Oh, dang.
And I'm thinking in my head,like, you know, he could let me
know, yesterday, if you wantedto go, Well, I don't know why we
(05:41):
always got to wait to the lastminute. But at the same time,
the universe just told me no,again, you're not going this art
show. And so I was like, Oh,yeah, well, I guess it's sold
out. And he's like, Yeah, he hitme later. And he's like, Man,
I'm really sorry. I shouldprobably let you know earlier.
And I was like, Yeah, don'tworry about it. I was actually,
I was actually totally okay,with not going. I did want to go
(06:02):
but hearing No, you know, I'mtrying to be mature.
And it's working. I'm totallyokay with, like, sometimes
things just not happening. And,you know, sort of being a
whiny little bitch boy about it,you know, be be an adult. And
we'll just plan on the nextthing. Because there's always
there's always the next thing,you don't ever feel like you're
(06:22):
missing out on something,there's always gonna be
something going on. Like, Iremember, I was living downtown.
There's so much stuff going on.
And eventually, someone, youknow, it would happen here. And
there was someone would be like,Oh, man, you missed out this
great party that has happenedlast night. And my response
always was, Oh, that soundscool. But you know, there's
always another party. And therealways is another party.
(06:45):
Hopefully, there is anotherparty, because we're in a
pandemic situation. Hopefully,there won't be a party
eventually. But I think you getmy point. Okay, so also with the
personal boundary, man, that'sjust such a huge concept to
think about, like the whole whenwhen making Win Win deals
instead of win lose deals.
that's a that's a that's animportant thing, too. Because I
(07:06):
think actually, when I wasthinking about it, it kind of
relates to game theory, the,what was it like in that movie,
beautiful mind, like thatmathematician came up with this
thing. I think that's what itwas, I think it was game theory
where it's basically, he was atthis bar. And he was, there's
this beautiful woman that walkedin with their friends. And him
(07:29):
and his friends were trying tolike, figure out how to talk to
her. And he realized that ifeverybody talked to her friends,
then somebody can go and talk toher. So
basically, it was like, theconcept came down to the way he
described it was, what is goodfor the group is what's best for
(07:52):
the individual. And that's likea real long term strategy to get
like positive results. So Ithink that really goes along
with making Win Win deals.
Because basically, a win windeal is what's best for the
group. And then there's alsoother ways there's like, lose,
lose deals, win, lose, lose,win, but you get the gist. You
(08:15):
want to stick with Win Windeals. Because even though win
lose deal might be good for theshort term, or medium term, and
long term, Win Win deals isgonna get you much, much further
down the road.
So keep that in mind. So thisweek, let's talk about what is a
friend.
So this guy, Dr. Paul dobransky,I think he
(08:40):
mentioned this in a book, if Iremember correctly, but he said
that a friend is someone withwhom you share regularly.
A friend is someone with whomyou regularly share positive
emotions with regularly sharepositive emotions with so
(09:02):
regularly, that's a big thing.
Like if you're only hanging outwith them once a year, or once
every two years. I mean, like ifit's college buddies, or
something like that, you guysget together every couple years,
you know, that's one thing. ButI'm really talking about someone
that's a close friend usuallywant to live relatively close to
them,that we could see more, hang out
(09:24):
more. I mean, and it seems likeanytime I've had friends moved
away, even though I could texthim any time, I usually don't
hang, I usually lose contactwith them, with the exception of
two of my friends, which I stilltext pretty regularly. But I
also do see him like I'll flyout and see him every few years.
But in general, your closefriends are people with whom you
(09:48):
share positive emotions withregularly. So I guess it just
means like, you know, if youknow someone that you hang out
with who's quote unquotefriend of yours, but they're
always negative or you'rebickering all the time,
you're not having a lot of fun,or you're constantly bored, then
(10:09):
you might want to move them tothe back of the line, and meet
new people with who you actuallyhave fun with, with whom whom is
very positive person in yourlife.
It's the other thing too, is,you usually want to have this in
person, like I know, nowadays.
(10:30):
Maybe like you're a gamer. Andyou you're online with your
friends, every night, playingvideo games.
Sure, that has its place, but Iwould say your close friends or
people that are, you canactually meet physically in
life. So like, you know, like ifyou need help moving, or if you
need a ride from the airport. Soin person, meet him up, meet up
(10:53):
with them regularly.
I remember, when I was younger,I'd hang out with my friends,
like almost every day. But nowwhen you get older, that
doesn't, you know, have worklife responsibilities. So it
might like dwindled down to likemaybe once a week, to once a
month to every other month, justyou know, really focus on that.
(11:16):
Think about that, like, youknow, if you really want this
person in your life, try to, youknow, increase the amount of
times you meet in person, likejust, you know, even if you have
to be like, hey,let's, let's do like a monthly,
you know, first Monday, mixerwill like grab dinner, first
Friday of each month orsomething like that. Like I
remember, when I was livingdowntown, me and my friend, we
(11:37):
were roommates. And it wasperfect. Because a we were
downtown. And then he had hisgroup of friends. I had a group
of friends. And then we alsoshared friends. And we started
doing a I think we were doing aweekly, Thursday night. Happy
Hour. So like, and it got to bea bit much. So we kind of did it
(11:58):
like every other week after awhile. But it was, you know, we
hit it, we text our friendslike, hey, tomorrow, Thursday,
if you want to come out, we'regoing to grab some drinks, we're
going to hit up this bar meet uphere at this time to send a text
out to like 10 people, fivepeople or whatever. And then
just let them know, we're goingto do this every other week, or
we're going to send once amonth, that's actually a really
(12:19):
great way to make things happen.
Just start doing a regularnight, once a once every couple
weeks or something like that.
Also to like if a friend invitesyou out to something, and you
can't make it for one, let themknow right away. That's the
polite thing to do. Actually,when I when I'm thinking about
(12:42):
this, I read a book called, as agentleman would say, and also a
book called, I shouldn't look itup.
I read this book, it's called asa gentleman would say
it was written byjohn bridges. And Brian Curtis,
I found that said like,grabbed it like in a bag sale.
(13:05):
So you've filled up a bag withas many books as you can. And I
was like this might be a goodread. So it was as a gentleman
would say, and then the otherbook he wrote was, as a
gentleman would do.
But either way, so these booksare basically books about
etiquette. Andsure there's a lot of stuff
(13:25):
about etiquette that you don'treally need to know, like, which
direction do you move your spoonacross the soup when you drink
it? It's actually away from you,I think.
But there's a lot of things inthese books about etiquette that
are really important that Inever even thought about. Like
if one of the things I rememberreading was if someone invites
(13:45):
you to a party or an event, andyou say yes, and then somebody
else invites you to anotherevent afterwards. And actually,
it sounds way cooler. It wouldbe impolite to, you know, you
should still go to the first onebecause you said you would go
and you know, that makes sense.
I could see that. I mean surethey're sure there's exceptions.
But there's a lot of good stuffin there. So I recommend
(14:11):
either this book, as thegentlemen would say, by john
bridges or any other etiquettebooks are probably pretty good
to just give you some ideasabout you know, social graces.
I'll put a I'll put a link tothat book too in the in the
podcast description for you. Soyou don't have to look it up
right now.
(14:33):
Okay, so let's also talk aboutthe social circle. So as you get
started to get more friends,you'll basically you'll be
expanding your social circle,which is I think you're either
growing your social circle oryou're shrinking your social
circle, there's really not muchin between because people move
away, people grow apart. So inmy opinion, it's always good to,
(14:55):
you know, keep socializing, keepmeeting new people working on
yourself.
making yourself a more socialperson to keep expanding your
social circle. I saw recentlythat there it says three out of
five Americans are lonely. AndI'm, I wouldn't be surprised if
worldwide, that's actuallystarting to happen that a lot of
people are pretty lonely. It'sprobably because their social
(15:17):
circles, they never had one orthey have been shrinking over
time. And they've never learnedhow to expand their social
circle.
And everything we've talkedabout so far in these podcasts
is definitely good stuff to workon yourself to expand your
social circle. But I want totalk specifically about
(15:39):
the the con, the idea of theidealized social circle, because
I think, you know, ontelevision, it's easy to think
that that is an accuratedescription of life. And I
think, if you're anything likeme, you'd realize my life is not
anything like that.
So like on the show friends,yeah, I'm sure there's, there's
(16:02):
people out there. I mean,there's, like 7 billion people
on the planet, there'sdefinitely going to be people
like that. But for anyone thatis
kind of just starting out, youwant to realize that, you know,
don't idealize any type offriendship, or group of friends,
like you've seen some peoplethat are hanging out having fun.
(16:23):
Don't think that, oh, yeah, Ican never have that. Or they
would never want to be friendswith someone like me. Because
what I've learned is, I've nevermet anybody who has ever said,
Yeah, you know, I already havetoo many friends, I don't, I
don't need any more friends.
Like, if you're hearing that theonly reason you'll probably be
hearing that is because you'reannoying or you're needy, you're
(16:43):
acting needy, or you're, youknow, calling them two months or
something like that. So ifyou're actually like a mature,
fun person to hang out with, whoare very social, you're gonna
make, you're gonna make friendspretty quickly.
But I would just say don'tidealize any friendships, or
think that it's hard to get intolike, I mean, there's that's
(17:06):
another thing too, I've seenquestions posted about, like,
how do I get into this group offriends? Well, for one, it's not
really a group of friends, it'sindividually, you got to look at
it as individual people. So ifyou met a person,
or someone who's like you thinkis in a group of friends, you
just make friends with that oneperson. And if you actually make
friends with them, you'll meettheir friends, too. That's how
(17:27):
it always happens. Like if I, ifI meet someone, and I become
friends with them, prettyquickly, I'll meet their
friends. And that's actually areally great way to meet people.
Because if you like this person,there's a good chance you'll
like their friends as well. Ithink a really good way to
expand your social circle is, isto like, you know, like I
mentioned earlier about planningsomething like an outing, like a
(17:50):
regular event, that's a good wayto like just get people to come
out. And then you could say,Hey, bring a friend or something
or, you know, meet their friendsand stuff like that, that's
always been a very easy way Ifound that to make new friends
is meeting my friends, friends,usually have a very similar vibe
and stuff like that and getalong really well. And then
also, if they, if anyone invitesyou to something, you know, go
(18:13):
go out to it, it's probablygoing to be a good time.
And then if you, if you don'taccept the invitation, make a
mental note and say, Hey, youknow, this person invited me out
to this, I'm going to make sureto invite them out to the next
thing. It's kind of like asocial currency type deal, you
know, you know, I'm going tohook you up with this, I'll hook
you up with that, they're goingto give this they'll hook you up
(18:34):
with that.
And then also to i, when I'm outwith friends, I'll buy a round
of drinks, you know, and I, andI do it not expecting that
they'll buy me the next round.
Most of the time they dosometimes they don't. But I'm
not expecting it either way, I'mjust buying them around drinks,
because I'm actually, I just Idon't know, it's kind of just
(18:54):
what social people will do.
Sometimes, you know, just begenerous. Sometimes. It's always
good to be real generous withyour friends. And do it not
because you're trying to impressthem, or because you expect it
back later. It's not why you doit. You just do it. Because
(19:14):
that's what nice people coolpeople do. I've noticed too,
that like, when you do like nicethings for people, other people
that you don't even know do nicethings for you. I don't know,
you just put off this vibe, thatyou're like a generous person
and people are generous to you.
It's weird, I would just youknow, there's like a network of
generosity going around. And youcan get in it too by being
generous. Another thing anotherreally good thing to do with
(19:38):
your social circle is just makemake a note of whenever their
birthday is you'll probably likeif you make if you add them on
Facebook, you'll see what it isbut I actually don't send
messages, happy birthdaymessages on Facebook to my close
friends. I'll give them a phonecall. I'll actually call them
and to say Hey, what's going onman, happy birthday and stuff
like that. Or invite them outfor a drink. You know?
(20:00):
That works too. Another goodthing to do is when you're,
when it comes to like the socialcircle thing is, like, if you're
out with your friends orsomething like that, and another
person caught you run intosomeone, you know, make sure to
introduce them to your friends,like always introduce people to
each other. I think that Imentioned that before, too, but
it's super important to do that.
It's just, it's like a socialglue. It's like a
(20:26):
has compounding effects when youdo that to people. Because for
one, it trains people to do thatto you. So they know, you know,
because I actually thoughtpeople did this regularly. But
I've noticed a lot that peoplereally don't like I've been, I
remember I was going out tothis, this music venue for a
while. And I knew a lot ofpeople there. And then after
(20:46):
like a year, I was talking to afriend of mine. And then another
friend came up and I startedtalking to him. And
I just assumed they knew eachother because I met both of
them. They're like, from a longtime ago. And then I was like, I
realized that they didn't knoweach other. I was like, Oh, you
haven't even met Mike. And I waslike, I was like, holy cow. You
(21:08):
guys don't know each other.
They're like, Oh, no, we haven'tmet each other. And I was like,
holy cow. How is this possible?
It's like a real small musicvenue. And I just assume
everyone knew each other. Butyeah, people
should be introduced at alltimes, it's a really good way to
you know, it's just a good, it'ssocial, good social etiquette.
(21:32):
I'd say one thing to like, withyour friends, if you're, if
you're going to be a very socialperson, like where you live,
make sure it's like clean,because I've definitely been
over people's houses where I'mlike, I walk in the bathroom,
and there's like clothes.
There's like clothes, on thefloor, in the bathroom, like by
(21:53):
the toilet.
And I'm like, Oh man, this guyneeds a laundry basket pretty
bad. But just make sure yourplace is clean and organized.
One thing I really got into isFung Shui way like I was at
Jamba Juice one time. And therewas this book, it said clear, it
was called clear your clutter,clear your clutter. With Fung
(22:14):
Shui, it was just like a littlesmall book. And I bought it from
my mom, because my mom was kindof messy. And she loved it. And
I loved it to actually read itas well. And I kind of got into
Fung Shui a little bit, it'sjust like a real minimal list
stick. And I'm into minimalismas well. Having not a lot of
things in your, in your livingspace, you don't want a lot of
(22:36):
clutter. And just the way youorganize your room, like I
always had, like, if I had acoffee table, always made sure I
was like oval around like nosharp corners, putting plants on
places where there's a corner orsomething like that.
Putting mirrors up and stufflike that, I don't know, but
just having like a nice place,like so if you have your friends
(22:59):
over, or bring people come byfor a drink before you go out.
Or if they're going to come overwatch a movie or place or
something like that, that if youhave a nice clean place, that'll
definitely helpgrow your social circle. Because
nobody really wants to hang outat a dirty place. That's
uncomfortable to be in. Youknow, it's just, it's not good.
(23:22):
So make sure your places clean.
Make sure it's clutter free,maybe pick up some stuff on funk
schwag an idea of what it is.
It actually is. It's prettyinteresting stuff. I'm sure
there's like modern architecturehas like learn from it, try some
scientific basis on a lot ofstuff from that, that anything
(23:44):
from like old Eastern philosophyfrickin amazing. We have a lot
to learn from some of the realold wisdom that they discovered
like 1000 years ago.
Okay, I think that's gonna be itfor this week. Next week, we'll
be talking aboutputting out a good vibe. We've
talked a lot about thatsomewhat, but will we be talking
(24:05):
about it a little bit more. Andwe're also talking about
apologizing, becauseeventually you're gonna have to
do it. And even though I'm sureyou already know a little bit
about it, a little bit about it.
We'll talk about some of thedetails that actually might make
it go over a little betterbecause when you're practicing
your social skills, eventuallyyou're going to drop the ball so
(24:27):
but that's okay, because we'regoing to learn how to take care
of that. And I hope you guyshave a good week. I'll talk to
you soon.
Hey, what's up, everybody?
Welcome back to another episodeof the social skills lab. I'm
your host, Nathan Hopeyou're having a good day,
whatever you're up to Isaw on the or I was listening to
the radio, and they were talkingabout all these
(00:41):
studies are coming out abouthaving gratitude how it makes
you feel better. And I've been alittle stressed out lately. So I
was like, you know, keep hearingthat, about this. And I have
done that where I've, you know,wrote down things that I'm
grateful for, butI wasn't very consistent at it.
(01:02):
So I decided I was like, Okay,I'm gonna,
I'm gonna try to list offthings, just verbally, I'm not
gonna write them down, I'm justgonna say them out loud. I'm
just going to state things thatI'm really grateful for. So I've
been doing that every morning.
And then also in the evening, soI've been trying to do it twice
a day. And I think it actuallyis starting to make me feel a
(01:23):
little better.
And I've been doing it for abouta week. So wish me luck. I'm
gonna keep doing it. I'll keepyou posted to see to lane how it
goes. Because that's one thingabout social skills.
If you have a, if you're in agood mood, you're going to put
(01:44):
off a better vibe. No doubt.
Okay, so let's talk aboutwhat we talked about last week.
So last week, we talked aboutbeing funny. And we also talked
about the personal boundary. Sobeing funny. Yeah, that's one of
my favorite things. I like beingfunny. I like making my friends
laugh. I like joking around, Ithink that you can get better at
(02:07):
it. I think that what you reallyhave to do if you really want to
be funnier is you really justhave to go for it. You just have
to start saying the things thatyou think are funny out loud.
And people will give youfeedback, they'll let you know
if it's funny by laughing.
(02:27):
Or they'll just won't doanything. And that will tell you
that you need to work on it.
Like when people dogo up and do stand up comedy,
like an open mic. There's nomine, the audience is going to
tell you for fun or not.
I think a big part of it, too,is delivery. So the more you go
(02:49):
for it,you'll start getting some laughs
you'll start getting a littlemore confident. And the more
confident you get at it, yourdelivery will be better. And if
you want to see someone withamazing, impeccable delivery,
just watch Dave Chappelle, thatguy's delivery is so onpoint.
Like he can actually make peoplelaugh, just by saying like four
(03:12):
words. Without even there beinga joke. He's just his delivery
is so good. hisvocal tonality is just, man. I
mean it.
You just watch some videos ofDave Chappelle, you'll see what
I'm talking about.
Okay, so we also talked a littlebit about the personal boundary.
(03:34):
So the key part points of thatwas learning how to say no, and
learning how to hear now. So Ithink I'm getting a lot better
at saying no,I'm still working at hearing
now. Like, yesterday, I lost myair pods. And I was pretty
bummed out about it. And eventhough I told myself, I'm like,
(03:56):
Look, it's just, it's just yourair pods. You know, the universe
told you no, you don't get tokeep them.
Even though I lost them. Like Iopened up my air pod container,
and I looked in, there's nothingin there. I'm like,
where the helmet, my air podsgo. And I looked everywhere.
(04:16):
couldn't find it. So today, Ijust ordered a new pair.
I'm not happy. I'm not thrilledabout forking out another 150
bucks for him. Butman, they're just so useful.
They're actually I've had somany pairs of headphones in my
life and the air pods are likethe next level of
they're not the greatest soundquality, but they are. They're
(04:38):
really good for wireless earbudsand I use it for work. I use it
for FaceTime, stuff like that.
And I work in noisyenvironments. So I have to have
something like that.
Learn to learn to say no learnto hear. No, I think a lot of
people don't understand thathearing. being okay with someone
saying no to you, is reallyimportant. I mean only very
(04:59):
mature people.
are totally okay with that.
I hit my friend up. I was like,hey, there's this drive thru art
show in Sacramento this weekend.
I was asking if you want it togo. And he's like, yeah, let me
know on Friday. I'll let youknow by then. So Friday rolled
around. And I was like, so doyou want to go to this art show?
(05:19):
He's like, he's like, yeah,let's, let's do it. So I go
online to buy tickets, andthey're sold out.
Like, oh, yeah, they're soldout. Now. He's like, Oh, dang.
And I'm thinking in my head,like, you know, he could let me
know, yesterday, if you wantedto go, Well, I don't know why we
(05:41):
always got to wait to the lastminute. But at the same time,
the universe just told me no,again, you're not going this art
show. And so I was like, Oh,yeah, well, I guess it's sold
out. And he's like, Yeah, he hitme later. And he's like, Man,
I'm really sorry. I shouldprobably let you know earlier.
And I was like, Yeah, don'tworry about it. I was actually,
I was actually totally okay,with not going. I did want to go
(06:02):
but hearing No, you know, I'mtrying to be mature.
And it's working. I'm totallyokay with, like, sometimes
things just not happening. And,you know, sort of being a
whiny little bitch boy about it,you know, be be an adult. And
we'll just plan on the nextthing. Because there's always
there's always the next thing,you don't ever feel like you're
(06:22):
missing out on something,there's always gonna be
something going on. Like, Iremember, I was living downtown.
There's so much stuff going on.
And eventually, someone, youknow, it would happen here. And
there was someone would be like,Oh, man, you missed out this
great party that has happenedlast night. And my response
always was, Oh, that soundscool. But you know, there's
always another party. And therealways is another party.
(06:45):
Hopefully, there is anotherparty, because we're in a
pandemic situation. Hopefully,there won't be a party
eventually. But I think you getmy point. Okay, so also with the
personal boundary, man, that'sjust such a huge concept to
think about, like the whole whenwhen making Win Win deals
instead of win lose deals.
that's a that's a that's animportant thing, too. Because I
(07:06):
think actually, when I wasthinking about it, it kind of
relates to game theory, the,what was it like in that movie,
beautiful mind, like thatmathematician came up with this
thing. I think that's what itwas, I think it was game theory
where it's basically, he was atthis bar. And he was, there's
this beautiful woman that walkedin with their friends. And him
(07:29):
and his friends were trying tolike, figure out how to talk to
her. And he realized that ifeverybody talked to her friends,
then somebody can go and talk toher. So
basically, it was like, theconcept came down to the way he
described it was, what is goodfor the group is what's best for
(07:52):
the individual. And that's likea real long term strategy to get
like positive results. So Ithink that really goes along
with making Win Win deals.
Because basically, a win windeal is what's best for the
group. And then there's alsoother ways there's like, lose,
lose deals, win, lose, lose,win, but you get the gist. You
(08:15):
want to stick with Win Windeals. Because even though win
lose deal might be good for theshort term, or medium term, and
long term, Win Win deals isgonna get you much, much further
down the road.
So keep that in mind. So thisweek, let's talk about what is a
friend.
So this guy, Dr. Paul dobransky,I think he
(08:40):
mentioned this in a book, if Iremember correctly, but he said
that a friend is someone withwhom you share regularly.
A friend is someone with whomyou regularly share positive
emotions with regularly sharepositive emotions with so
(09:02):
regularly, that's a big thing.
Like if you're only hanging outwith them once a year, or once
every two years. I mean, like ifit's college buddies, or
something like that, you guysget together every couple years,
you know, that's one thing. ButI'm really talking about someone
that's a close friend usuallywant to live relatively close to
them,that we could see more, hang out
(09:24):
more. I mean, and it seems likeanytime I've had friends moved
away, even though I could texthim any time, I usually don't
hang, I usually lose contactwith them, with the exception of
two of my friends, which I stilltext pretty regularly. But I
also do see him like I'll flyout and see him every few years.
But in general, your closefriends are people with whom you
(09:48):
share positive emotions withregularly. So I guess it just
means like, you know, if youknow someone that you hang out
with who's quote unquotefriend of yours, but they're
always negative or you'rebickering all the time,
you're not having a lot of fun,or you're constantly bored, then
(10:09):
you might want to move them tothe back of the line, and meet
new people with who you actuallyhave fun with, with whom whom is
very positive person in yourlife.
It's the other thing too, is,you usually want to have this in
person, like I know, nowadays.
(10:30):
Maybe like you're a gamer. Andyou you're online with your
friends, every night, playingvideo games.
Sure, that has its place, but Iwould say your close friends or
people that are, you canactually meet physically in
life. So like, you know, like ifyou need help moving, or if you
need a ride from the airport. Soin person, meet him up, meet up
(10:53):
with them regularly.
I remember, when I was younger,I'd hang out with my friends,
like almost every day. But nowwhen you get older, that
doesn't, you know, have worklife responsibilities. So it
might like dwindled down to likemaybe once a week, to once a
month to every other month, justyou know, really focus on that.
(11:16):
Think about that, like, youknow, if you really want this
person in your life, try to, youknow, increase the amount of
times you meet in person, likejust, you know, even if you have
to be like, hey,let's, let's do like a monthly,
you know, first Monday, mixerwill like grab dinner, first
Friday of each month orsomething like that. Like I
remember, when I was livingdowntown, me and my friend, we
(11:37):
were roommates. And it wasperfect. Because a we were
downtown. And then he had hisgroup of friends. I had a group
of friends. And then we alsoshared friends. And we started
doing a I think we were doing aweekly, Thursday night. Happy
Hour. So like, and it got to bea bit much. So we kind of did it
(11:58):
like every other week after awhile. But it was, you know, we
hit it, we text our friendslike, hey, tomorrow, Thursday,
if you want to come out, we'regoing to grab some drinks, we're
going to hit up this bar meet uphere at this time to send a text
out to like 10 people, fivepeople or whatever. And then
just let them know, we're goingto do this every other week, or
we're going to send once amonth, that's actually a really
(12:19):
great way to make things happen.
Just start doing a regularnight, once a once every couple
weeks or something like that.
Also to like if a friend invitesyou out to something, and you
can't make it for one, let themknow right away. That's the
polite thing to do. Actually,when I when I'm thinking about
(12:42):
this, I read a book called, as agentleman would say, and also a
book called, I shouldn't look itup.
I read this book, it's called asa gentleman would say
it was written byjohn bridges. And Brian Curtis,
I found that said like,grabbed it like in a bag sale.
(13:05):
So you've filled up a bag withas many books as you can. And I
was like this might be a goodread. So it was as a gentleman
would say, and then the otherbook he wrote was, as a
gentleman would do.
But either way, so these booksare basically books about
etiquette. Andsure there's a lot of stuff
(13:25):
about etiquette that you don'treally need to know, like, which
direction do you move your spoonacross the soup when you drink
it? It's actually away from you,I think.
But there's a lot of things inthese books about etiquette that
are really important that Inever even thought about. Like
if one of the things I rememberreading was if someone invites
(13:45):
you to a party or an event, andyou say yes, and then somebody
else invites you to anotherevent afterwards. And actually,
it sounds way cooler. It wouldbe impolite to, you know, you
should still go to the first onebecause you said you would go
and you know, that makes sense.
I could see that. I mean surethey're sure there's exceptions.
But there's a lot of good stuffin there. So I recommend
(14:11):
either this book, as thegentlemen would say, by john
bridges or any other etiquettebooks are probably pretty good
to just give you some ideasabout you know, social graces.
I'll put a I'll put a link tothat book too in the in the
podcast description for you. Soyou don't have to look it up
right now.
(14:33):
Okay, so let's also talk aboutthe social circle. So as you get
started to get more friends,you'll basically you'll be
expanding your social circle,which is I think you're either
growing your social circle oryou're shrinking your social
circle, there's really not muchin between because people move
away, people grow apart. So inmy opinion, it's always good to,
(14:55):
you know, keep socializing, keepmeeting new people working on
yourself.
making yourself a more socialperson to keep expanding your
social circle. I saw recentlythat there it says three out of
five Americans are lonely. AndI'm, I wouldn't be surprised if
worldwide, that's actuallystarting to happen that a lot of
people are pretty lonely. It'sprobably because their social
(15:17):
circles, they never had one orthey have been shrinking over
time. And they've never learnedhow to expand their social
circle.
And everything we've talkedabout so far in these podcasts
is definitely good stuff to workon yourself to expand your
social circle. But I want totalk specifically about
(15:39):
the the con, the idea of theidealized social circle, because
I think, you know, ontelevision, it's easy to think
that that is an accuratedescription of life. And I
think, if you're anything likeme, you'd realize my life is not
anything like that.
So like on the show friends,yeah, I'm sure there's, there's
(16:02):
people out there. I mean,there's, like 7 billion people
on the planet, there'sdefinitely going to be people
like that. But for anyone thatis
kind of just starting out, youwant to realize that, you know,
don't idealize any type offriendship, or group of friends,
like you've seen some peoplethat are hanging out having fun.
(16:23):
Don't think that, oh, yeah, Ican never have that. Or they
would never want to be friendswith someone like me. Because
what I've learned is, I've nevermet anybody who has ever said,
Yeah, you know, I already havetoo many friends, I don't, I
don't need any more friends.
Like, if you're hearing that theonly reason you'll probably be
hearing that is because you'reannoying or you're needy, you're
(16:43):
acting needy, or you're, youknow, calling them two months or
something like that. So ifyou're actually like a mature,
fun person to hang out with, whoare very social, you're gonna
make, you're gonna make friendspretty quickly.
But I would just say don'tidealize any friendships, or
think that it's hard to get intolike, I mean, there's that's
(17:06):
another thing too, I've seenquestions posted about, like,
how do I get into this group offriends? Well, for one, it's not
really a group of friends, it'sindividually, you got to look at
it as individual people. So ifyou met a person,
or someone who's like you thinkis in a group of friends, you
just make friends with that oneperson. And if you actually make
friends with them, you'll meettheir friends, too. That's how
(17:27):
it always happens. Like if I, ifI meet someone, and I become
friends with them, prettyquickly, I'll meet their
friends. And that's actually areally great way to meet people.
Because if you like this person,there's a good chance you'll
like their friends as well. Ithink a really good way to
expand your social circle is, isto like, you know, like I
mentioned earlier about planningsomething like an outing, like a
(17:50):
regular event, that's a good wayto like just get people to come
out. And then you could say,Hey, bring a friend or something
or, you know, meet their friendsand stuff like that, that's
always been a very easy way Ifound that to make new friends
is meeting my friends, friends,usually have a very similar vibe
and stuff like that and getalong really well. And then
also, if they, if anyone invitesyou to something, you know, go
(18:13):
go out to it, it's probablygoing to be a good time.
And then if you, if you don'taccept the invitation, make a
mental note and say, Hey, youknow, this person invited me out
to this, I'm going to make sureto invite them out to the next
thing. It's kind of like asocial currency type deal, you
know, you know, I'm going tohook you up with this, I'll hook
you up with that, they're goingto give this they'll hook you up
(18:34):
with that.
And then also to i, when I'm outwith friends, I'll buy a round
of drinks, you know, and I, andI do it not expecting that
they'll buy me the next round.
Most of the time they dosometimes they don't. But I'm
not expecting it either way, I'mjust buying them around drinks,
because I'm actually, I just Idon't know, it's kind of just
(18:54):
what social people will do.
Sometimes, you know, just begenerous. Sometimes. It's always
good to be real generous withyour friends. And do it not
because you're trying to impressthem, or because you expect it
back later. It's not why you doit. You just do it. Because
(19:14):
that's what nice people coolpeople do. I've noticed too,
that like, when you do like nicethings for people, other people
that you don't even know do nicethings for you. I don't know,
you just put off this vibe, thatyou're like a generous person
and people are generous to you.
It's weird, I would just youknow, there's like a network of
generosity going around. And youcan get in it too by being
generous. Another thing anotherreally good thing to do with
(19:38):
your social circle is just makemake a note of whenever their
birthday is you'll probably likeif you make if you add them on
Facebook, you'll see what it isbut I actually don't send
messages, happy birthdaymessages on Facebook to my close
friends. I'll give them a phonecall. I'll actually call them
and to say Hey, what's going onman, happy birthday and stuff
like that. Or invite them outfor a drink. You know?
(20:00):
That works too. Another goodthing to do is when you're,
when it comes to like the socialcircle thing is, like, if you're
out with your friends orsomething like that, and another
person caught you run intosomeone, you know, make sure to
introduce them to your friends,like always introduce people to
each other. I think that Imentioned that before, too, but
it's super important to do that.
It's just, it's like a socialglue. It's like a
(20:26):
has compounding effects when youdo that to people. Because for
one, it trains people to do thatto you. So they know, you know,
because I actually thoughtpeople did this regularly. But
I've noticed a lot that peoplereally don't like I've been, I
remember I was going out tothis, this music venue for a
while. And I knew a lot ofpeople there. And then after
(20:46):
like a year, I was talking to afriend of mine. And then another
friend came up and I startedtalking to him. And
I just assumed they knew eachother because I met both of
them. They're like, from a longtime ago. And then I was like, I
realized that they didn't knoweach other. I was like, Oh, you
haven't even met Mike. And I waslike, I was like, holy cow. You
(21:08):
guys don't know each other.
They're like, Oh, no, we haven'tmet each other. And I was like,
holy cow. How is this possible?
It's like a real small musicvenue. And I just assume
everyone knew each other. Butyeah, people
should be introduced at alltimes, it's a really good way to
you know, it's just a good, it'ssocial, good social etiquette.
(21:32):
I'd say one thing to like, withyour friends, if you're, if
you're going to be a very socialperson, like where you live,
make sure it's like clean,because I've definitely been
over people's houses where I'mlike, I walk in the bathroom,
and there's like clothes.
There's like clothes, on thefloor, in the bathroom, like by
(21:53):
the toilet.
And I'm like, Oh man, this guyneeds a laundry basket pretty
bad. But just make sure yourplace is clean and organized.
One thing I really got into isFung Shui way like I was at
Jamba Juice one time. And therewas this book, it said clear, it
was called clear your clutter,clear your clutter. With Fung
(22:14):
Shui, it was just like a littlesmall book. And I bought it from
my mom, because my mom was kindof messy. And she loved it. And
I loved it to actually read itas well. And I kind of got into
Fung Shui a little bit, it'sjust like a real minimal list
stick. And I'm into minimalismas well. Having not a lot of
things in your, in your livingspace, you don't want a lot of
(22:36):
clutter. And just the way youorganize your room, like I
always had, like, if I had acoffee table, always made sure I
was like oval around like nosharp corners, putting plants on
places where there's a corner orsomething like that.
Putting mirrors up and stufflike that, I don't know, but
just having like a nice place,like so if you have your friends
(22:59):
over, or bring people come byfor a drink before you go out.
Or if they're going to come overwatch a movie or place or
something like that, that if youhave a nice clean place, that'll
definitely helpgrow your social circle. Because
nobody really wants to hang outat a dirty place. That's
uncomfortable to be in. Youknow, it's just, it's not good.
(23:22):
So make sure your places clean.
Make sure it's clutter free,maybe pick up some stuff on funk
schwag an idea of what it is.
It actually is. It's prettyinteresting stuff. I'm sure
there's like modern architecturehas like learn from it, try some
scientific basis on a lot ofstuff from that, that anything
(23:44):
from like old Eastern philosophyfrickin amazing. We have a lot
to learn from some of the realold wisdom that they discovered
like 1000 years ago.
Okay, I think that's gonna be itfor this week. Next week, we'll
be talking aboutputting out a good vibe. We've
talked a lot about thatsomewhat, but will we be talking
(24:05):
about it a little bit more. Andwe're also talking about
apologizing, becauseeventually you're gonna have to
do it. And even though I'm sureyou already know a little bit
about it, a little bit about it.
We'll talk about some of thedetails that actually might make
it go over a little betterbecause when you're practicing
your social skills, eventuallyyou're going to drop the ball so
(24:27):
but that's okay, because we'regoing to learn how to take care
of that. And I hope you guyshave a good week. I'll talk to
you soon.
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