Episode 3.2 When and How to Be Ready to Date Again

“I’m worth whatever I think I’m worth,” says Ken, describing the mindset he adopted while beginning to date after losing his wife. Rather than thinking of their widower status as baggage, solo dads who are preparing to date again should remember that if their amazing wives once loved them, then another amazing person will, too. They also agree that knowing what they might have done differently in their first marriage gives them the unique opportunity to do better in future relationships. Ken was able to gain valuable insight into his marriage by reading the journals his wife kept throughout her life. Journaling has since become a very useful and therapeutic part of his own daily process.

Mathew expounds upon his theory about the connection between processing grief and putting the body in motion, and both men discuss the important role that working out played in the early days of their grief journeys. Ken explains the importance of carving out time for yourself and the need for children growing up today to learn resilience and self-reliance. They wonder whether people in grief put off finishing projects, like creating a photobook of a late spouse, because they subconsciously conflate moving on from the project with moving on from the loved one. They note the priority men place on relationships depending on their marital status. 

There is a marked difference, they agree, in the way widows are treated by society versus their male counterparts, and how differently both groups are treated in comparison to divorcees. Ken discusses the necessity of mastering your emotions, and the way the emotional response to memories of your spouse changes over time.

Quotes

• “In the stages of going through your grief. I think you have to rediscover your relationship with your person. Go through it, and when you get to that end point, you feel more at peace. I'm not going to say you let them go but you feel more at peace.” (14:33-14:51 | Ken) 
• “If your dream is to have a partner again and a loving relationship and you want to move forward with that. My first thing wasn’t, ‘Oh, I gotta go start dating.’ I was more, ‘Well, what do I still have to do with myself first?” (57:28-57:52 | Ken) 
• “Let yourself feel the grief that you need to feel. Let yourself have the time that you need on your own, like you need that time away from the kids to just decompress whatever it is. Work out, go with your buddies, go away on a weekend at the Cottage or whatever you’ve got to do.” (1:01:36-1:01:53 | Ken)

Links

https://refugeingrief.com/

https://www.amazon.com/Two-Kisses-Maddy-Memoir-Loss/dp/0446564303

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3mwUEoZdrI

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it

https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/

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