September 19, 2023 • 23 mins
We’re not meant to do it all. Yet society tells us the opposite.
Throughout school we’re expected to do well in all subjects and to work harder where we are weak. At work, the expectation is the same - be good at all aspects, dig in where we’re weak. This training has created a siloed and separated society where asking for help feels, at best, taboo.
The reality is that each of us brings unique gifts and blessings that are meant to be shared, to compliment those of the people around us. We are meant to do what we are best at, not struggle with our weaknesses. We are meant to ask for help and to be in community.
Some businesses are FINALLY moving from a place of worshiping the siloed, ‘do it ourselves’, ‘we're all competitors’, ‘wipe out every every other living thing that might possibly compete with us’, to a new way of doing business which is collaborative, cooperative and co-creative.
Stephanie and Maren expose the responsibility of leaders to put collaboration and cooperation at the front of the line. Their insights will help every leader replace the old ‘prove yourself’ model with one of embracing genius and building relationships. Today’s podcast debunks the myths and puts a clear new path on the table with great examples and wonderful exercises.
It’s time for leadership to step up.
“Having somewhere where you actually need someone's help allows a relationship to unfold.” ~ Stephanie Allen
- 00:41 The ‘doing it all’ juggling act
- 02:58 Asking for help, or not - what do you tell yourself?
- 08:56 Being in service - how does that make you feel?
- 11:19 Intimacy: a superpower in business
- 16:09 The fast track to enlightenment
- 18:50 It’s a choice
LINKS
05:05 Kintsugi Podcast: Ep 39 Matt Damon, Kintsugi & A Set of Dishes
16:44 “The Next Buddha will be a Sangha.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
Please share your insights and questions in one of our Soulful Leaders groups:
Get all the latest episodes, news and updates directly to your inbox. Subscribe here. TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com
Watch the podcasts on our YouTube Channel: @Soulful Leaders
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Maren Oslac (00:04):
In a world where achievements and accolades
motivate us to do more and bemore, we're often left
wondering, is this really it?
Stephanie Allen (00:12):
deep inside, you know, there is more to life,
you're ready to leave behind theold push your way through, and
claim the deeper life that'scalling you. That's where we
excel. We're your hosts,Stephanie Allen,
Maren Oslac (00:25):
and Maren Oslac.
Stephanie Allen (00:26):
And this is the soulful leader podcast,
Maren Oslac (00:29):
sit back and relax as we share the shortcuts we've
uncovered, to help you makeshift happen.
Stephanie Allen (00:42):
Hi, welcome to the soulful leader podcast. This
is Stephanie and I'm here withMaren. And what a week it has
been, I can see a theme ofwanting to ask for help and
feeling like it's a burden. Orthat I'm a burden, or I'm
putting a burden on somebody.
And I've seen it both ways. I'veseen it both with myself wanting
(01:03):
to ask for help and feeling Ishould have already figured this
all out, and I'm annoying thisperson, or I've seen it the
other way, where people willsay, you know, as a business
person, I should have it alltogether, I shouldn't feel
vulnerable to be reaching out toask for help. Because people are
gonna think less of me or, youknow, I won't have it all
(01:24):
together.
Maren Oslac (01:26):
You know, we are really taught that we're
supposed to be able to do itall.
Stephanie Allen (01:34):
Yeah, I know, like, where on God's earth, who
you just show me, I just want toknow, who can do it all? Like, I
mean, yeah, we might be able todo some things for a little
while out of our comfort zone,or out of our gifts and
strengths and passions, and, butover a longer period of time,
it's exhausting, like good luck.
Maren Oslac (01:55):
It is exhausting, and it you know, it's like the
cost, like you said, we might beable to manage it for a time.
And then it's like, we've gotall those, you're juggling and
you've got all the balls in theair. And at some point, the
balls are gonna start to dropand whether that's your health
or a relationship or part ofyour business, or, you know, so
(02:17):
often we do we sacrifice ourhealth and our relationship for
our businesses. And for somereason, that's, that's okay.
We've been we've So yeah, that'sokay. We've made that an
acceptable exchange. Instead ofasking for help, I mean, that's
(02:43):
one alternative is to ask forhelp. And yet, there's this
whole shame filled belief systemaround that, like, we're not,
we're not good enough. If I askfor help, I'm not good enough,
or I'm putting you out.
Stephanie Allen (02:58):
It could be that or it could also be, and
I'm even want to put it out tothose who are listening right
now. It's like, I'd like to knowwhat you all out there believe
about asking for help. Like,what do you tell yourself, like
when you actually have to pickup the phone or send an email
or, you know, even if it's astranger in the grocery store,
and you have to ask them forhelp? Like, what happens to you?
(03:22):
What goes on internally, withyou? Like, what do you believe
about that? Like, you know, ifyou ask for help, and you
actually get it now, do you owethem something? Or do you feel
like your ego is completelycrushed? And that, you know,
you're a helpless, hopeless kindof being like, I really, I'm
really curious. Like, I washaving a conversation with
(03:43):
someone the other day, andthey're like, you know, we were
trying to get something done.
And I said, Look, why don't wejust hire somebody? Yeah, but I
can do it myself. I can do this.
I'm like, Yeah, but you'remiserable. And you're overtaxed.
You're you're exhausted. It'snot getting done. It was
supposed to get done back inJune. It's still not done. It's
now August, you know, cominginto September, and it's not
(04:04):
done. So I'm not shaming you.
I'm just saying, you know, whydon't we just get someone else
to do it? No big deal. No bigdeal. Like, and I think that's
what happens. I think, you know,when you ask for help, first of
all, you might feel ashamed. Butsecond of all, it actually
creates intimacy. So maybe whenwe don't ask for help, it
(04:25):
actually keeps everybody atarm's length. So no one really
gets too close to you to reallydiscover where your weaknesses
are, or where, you know, whereyour strengths are even. Like, I
think it's quite interesting.
Maren Oslac (04:40):
It's a safety thing.
Stephanie Allen (04:41):
Yeah. Safety in the way of an emotional, right,
mentally kind of a way.
Maren Oslac (04:49):
If I if I don't ask for help then I, then I won't
open up. Asking for help is anopening. It's a crack in the
armor. Yeah. What's interestingthing is, we had a podcast last
year about Kintsugi, theJapanese art of mending broken
pottery. And one of the things Iremember that you said at that
(05:13):
time is like, the cracks arewhere the light gets in.
Stephanie Allen (05:17):
Yeah, I think Leonard Cohen actually said
that, but that's okay. I can Ican you quote, probably I was
probably quoting
Maren Oslac (05:26):
yeah, I believe you were, I believe you were. And
you know, it's like the Japaneseart of Kintsugi is, is about
that. It's about making, it's sobeautiful, what can be made
from, it's like, we think ofperfection of like a perfect
pot, and then we break it. Andwe think, well, it's trash. No,
(05:47):
it's not trash. That's us. We'rebroken. We're all broken. And
like Leonard Cohen said, that iswhere the light gets in.
Stephanie Allen (05:54):
And that's where intimacy happens. And what
I mean by intimacy, I've saidthis before, as in-to-me-I-see.
It's like we have been createdin a culture that it's like a
silo culture, like I'm a one anddone, I can do it all, like a
one man band kind of thing. Andwhat that does is it creates
separateness, it divides usinstead of, you know, coming
(06:17):
together, having, havingsomewhere where you actually
need someone else's help allowsa relationship to unfold. You
know, and I just witnessedsomething today that just
totally broke my heart open. Youknow, I got a couple of friends,
friends of mine, who are acouple, you know, they had
something really horrifichappen. And she just completely
(06:40):
melted in his arms with tears.
And he held her. And she wasvisibly saying, I need help. He
didn't fix her. He didn't trainchange her. He didn't judge her.
He was literally present for andit broke my heart because I
realized, you know, I think wedon't tend to ask for help until
we're broken. Until we are insuch a hellacious hot mess
(07:05):
place, then we are able to letit in. And I'm like, what, if,
and how beautiful that is, toowhen that happens. But what if
we didn't have to wait? who weare in that position to actually
ask for help? You know,recently, I had some things
happen to me at my cottage, andI had visitors come out. And it
was so funny, because theyhelped me set up a fire pit that
(07:29):
I had bought in the beginning ofthe summer, that I thought was
going to take me all day. And itwas going to be a pain in that I
had this huge story built up inmy own mind about what it was
going to take to make thishappen. I think it took 15
minutes, actually. And we weredone. Which is hysterical. And
then we have this lovelyfirepit. And you know, an old
part of me would have said, Ohmy gosh, I invite these people
(07:51):
out and I put them to work.
Right? I'm like, What am I doinghere? How rude. Nice. Nobody, no
wonder nobody wants to come outand do anything. I'm just gonna
put them to work. But thatwasn't it at all. Like, they
actually felt good about doing,you know, being able to make a
difference and doing ittogether. And it happened so
quickly. Like it just waseffortless. And it was it was
(08:12):
fun.
Maren Oslac (08:14):
I love that because so much of it. It's all just
stories we tell ourselveswhether it's to keep ourselves
safe, or because it's a storythat we learned. And what I mean
by that is, like you said, youknow, the story that you had
been telling yourself is oh,well, you know, I invite people
out and, and then I put them towork. No wonder nobody wants to
be here, or it's gonna take meall day you had all these
(08:36):
stories. And when all of asudden done, it was like, boom.
And the other half of that storyis, so Earlier you asked our
audience to think about whatare, how does it make you feel
when you have to ask somebodyfor help? I want to also,
Stephanie Allen (08:54):
and what do you tell yourself about that?
Maren Oslac (08:56):
what do you tell yourself? So those are the
stories. The other, the flipside of that is I want you all
to think about, what is it, Howdoes it make you feel when
somebody else asks you for help,for your expertise, and you can
actually be of service to them?
Stephanie Allen (09:13):
And it's easy for you it's natural,
Maren Oslac (09:15):
right. And whether it's something that you do
easily or you know somebody whodoes it easily. And then it just
gets done. And you think oh myand how does that make you feel?
What are the stories you tellabout that? Because that's the
flip side of the same coin.
Stephanie Allen (09:33):
Yeah. So recently Maren, and I had a
small group of entrepreneursthat we worked with. And that
was one of the things weactually asked them to consider.
Because we were asking them,hey, how do you feel when you
ask for help? And they were allclamoring, they're like, oh, I
don't want to ask for help. Ifeel like I'm burdening people
all this stuff, all thesestories came up. And so we
(09:53):
actually ask them the veryquestion that we just asked you
all, it's like, well, how doesit feel when someone asked asks
you to show up and do the verything that you are gifted at.
And it's not, it's nothing foryou, nothing. Like, do you feel
love? Do you feel valued? Do youfeel appreciated? Do you feel
acknowledged? like all theseamazing things like you get so
(10:16):
much out of it. And I said, Sonow, think about that next time
you go to ask somebody for help,you're actually acknowledging
them, you're actually valuingthem, you're actually
appreciating them, you'reactually literally shining the
light on their gifts andstrengths.
Maren Oslac (10:33):
And you're empowering them to, you know,
instead of taking it out oftheir hands and saying, oh, no,
I can do it by myself, like yourfirepit, I can do it, I can do
it, I can do it. You'reempowering somebody to feel
needed and useful and helpful.
And now we can share ittogether. And there is an
intimacy that's created there.
(10:55):
You know, it's the sharedculture instead of the siloed.
culture. And we're actuallymeant to be in a shared culture,
Stephanie Allen (11:03):
well, and vulnerability, you know, Brene
Brown, has totally coined thiswhole new switching the, you
know, flipping the switch in ourbrain to say that actually,
vulnerability takes a huge actof courage.
Maren Oslac (11:18):
It's a superpower,
Stephanie Allen (11:19):
it's a superpower. And it actually
brings you into relationship andintimacy. And so when you're
asking for help, you're actuallyyou're actually making a bid for
intimacy. To let someoneactually see you, like I said,
you know, this couple that had ameltdown in front of me, and
were just so beautiful, Iactually cried, not just for
(11:41):
what had happened to them it butit was more of like crying of
like to know how beautiful thetwo of you are right now. Like,
I want that, like, I could feelin my heart, my longing of like,
wow, to feel totally safe, tocompletely unravel myself, and
(12:02):
be held.
Maren Oslac (12:03):
So I want to address something that's
probably, it may or may not bean elephant in the room. So
we're using this word intimacy,and that oftentimes, is reserved
for couples.
Stephanie Allen (12:21):
Lovers
Maren Oslac (12:22):
lovers, we don't think about that in terms of
entrepreneurs, or business orleadership. And I want to
actually bring that to thetable. Because when I have
intimacy, and it's a non sexualintimacy, it's not a lovers type
of thing. It's a loving, not alovers, with my team, or in a
(12:48):
business relationship. You know,one of the things I just heard
you say was that, you know, youwitnessed this in in a couple,
and you could feel the longingin yourself. I have felt that
when I've gone into businessesthat have that intimacy, it's
like they finish each other'ssentences, and they know where
the other person is, and theycan, they have, I remember when
(13:12):
I was at my studio, when I hadthe studio, and I walked into
another studio, and the studioowner had this moment where, you
know, we were talking about whatwas needed. And he's like, Yeah,
okay, let me grab somebody, andhe brought that person into our
conversation. And it was like,they just mind melded, and
suddenly the person went off,and I knew that it would be
(13:34):
competently done. And I waslike, oh, I want that. you know,
and it's the same thing. It's,there's an intimacy to it. So
when we're using that word, it'snot just for couples or lovers.
It is a deeper way of knowing,and opening and enriches your
(13:56):
business.
Stephanie Allen (13:57):
I think. I think we've been told that you
don't want to be the damsel indistress, you don't want to be a
victim, you don't want to be thehelpless, you know, and yet,
going back to Brene Brown,saying vulnerability actually is
a high act of courage. If youbring it to another level of
saying, You know what, my giftsand strengths are not in this
area. Or I am just so taxedright now. I am really need. I
(14:22):
really need some support. Ireally need some help. Who is it
that I know that has a skill orwho can help? me because we
often will also ask a wholebunch of people that are totally
not able to help us. That's away of sabotaging ourselves and
not
Maren Oslac (14:35):
from a place from a really needy place.
Stephanie Allen (14:38):
Right
Maren Oslac (14:38):
Needy whiney
Stephanie Allen (14:39):
Right? Right, right.
Maren Oslac (14:40):
We're not Yeah, that doesn't work.
Stephanie Allen (14:42):
Instead of literally asking and asking,
Hey, do you know of anybody whocould help me with? or I'm, I'm
really struggling with his area.
Do you have any suggestions forme? or like to literally,
because what you're doing isactually saying I'm worth it.
Taking time to show up to toinvest in, and I value you and
(15:02):
your opinion and your ideals.
Can you can you, you know, canyou see my blind spot here? Can
you help me have a look at thisand shift it? and if we're in a
place of poor me victim, I amhelpless, hopeless, you're gonna
take that as criticism andjudgment. And you're not good
(15:24):
enough and all of that crazinessversus literally saying wait a
minute, I think, I believe I'mhere for a reason and what I'm
offering I really believe in.
And I love what I do. And I knowI'm actually not meant to do it
all. In fact, I've heard ourteacher one of our teachers say,
with life mission, you know,doing what you love to do, and
the way you love to do it withthe people you love most in the
(15:47):
way that the world most needs tohave done, that actually, the
fastest way to reach selfrealization is to get married,
have children and open yourbusiness, you basically are on
the fast track, because youaren't supposed to do it alone.
Maren Oslac (16:05):
It's gonna challenge every aspect of that
Stephanie Allen (16:08):
Exactly. And you're going to need a
community, and you're going toneed practices, and you're going
to need a skill set. And you'regoing to be able to have to
articulate what you need and howto ask for help and also receive
it. I think that's another thatcould be another whole podcast
on its own is learning how toreceive help when it's offered
to you to let it in and notblock it. But I think that is
(16:30):
that that same, that same sortof currency really is, it's that
flow.
Maren Oslac (16:38):
You know, the interesting thing is that the
the Buddhist community say thatthe next Buddha is going to be
what's called a sangha. And I'mprobably pronouncing that
totally wrong. It will be in theshownotes. It's essentially a
collective, it's not going to bea singular person, it will be a
(16:58):
collective, it'll be a group.
And this speaks directly to, tome anyway, where we are as a
culture. And as businesses wherewe are moving from this place of
worshiping the siloed, we can doit ourselves. We're all
competitors, like, you know,wipe out every every other
(17:19):
living thing that that mightpossibly compete with me, et
cetera, et cetera, to a new wayof doing things which is
collaborative, and notcompetitive, but cooperative,
and bringing it together and cocreative. And so where, where we
are valuing each other's giftsand strengths and not feeling
(17:40):
like I'm not good enough if Ican't do everything. I wasn't
meant to do everything, I needpeople. So the next Buddha, the
next wise, being coming into theBuddhist community, is a
collective, where it's not asingle person. And it's like,
wow, that's very powerful. Mmhmm. So as leaders, I would
(18:03):
think this week, it would begreat to hear from you about
what are the things that come upfor you, when you think of
either being a burden, or ablessing for, when you're asking
(18:27):
for something, do you feel likea burden? Or are you being a
blessing? when you ask someonefor something, and then flipping
it around and saying, ifsomebody asked me for something,
where do, where am I on thatsame spectrum? Am I a burden? Or
am I a blessing? Yeah. And maybesit with that for a little bit
(18:47):
this week.
Stephanie Allen (18:50):
Because this is, the internal training is to
actually change the innernarrative, the dialogue, yeah,
like I have this, I have thisbeautiful piece of land that's
been in our family since the1940s. And it's oceanfront. And
there's all kinds of trees onit, because I don't want to cut
down the trees. And for me,personally, because it's on the
(19:13):
ocean front, it actually savesour land. But it's a pain in the
butt because you have to goaround it with lawn mower all
the time. And thewhippersnipper, there's a lot
more to do than just a straightline. And I could feel myself
out the other day, you know,mowing the lawn and going, Wow,
I get to do this. This is sobeautiful. It's so beautiful.
(19:33):
Like I could complain, I couldgo on I'm like, Well wait a
minute, or I could just ask forhelp and get something or I
could just simply enjoy it. Ihave choice. Yeah. And if I'm
not enjoying it, and I can'tseem to get right inside my
heart to make it into ablessing. That's when I need to
ask for help. Then go hiresomebody, hire, and I know I
(19:55):
know, I can hear you all like ohyou we can't even find people to
work in the greatest places. butyou know, maybe we're not asking
in a way that is in, you know,like, that is intriguing. Or
maybe, maybe we just haven'tfound also our way to receive.
Because, you know, we do createour own reality. What I mean by
(20:17):
that is if I believe that I'mburdening somebody, and that I'm
helpless and hopeless, and I go,and I ask for help, or help from
that place, I can pretty muchfor no matter what they say, I'm
going to interpret it that I ambeing judged and criticized.
Yeah. But if I shift thatinternal dialogue to like, no,
(20:40):
actually, I, you know, I havethe life force to do this, or I
know somebody who's really goodat doing this. And I can ask
them for help. And I canpractice receiving because I can
say, you know, I'm, I'm worthtaking the time at my cottage
just to enjoy the beach, I don'tnecessarily have to mow my lawn,
I can have somebody else do it,then I will literally come from
(21:02):
a different place both askingand receiving. And I think
that's a great thing to try thisweek.
Maren Oslac (21:07):
I love that because you can also, part of that shift
is also realizing that you'reoffering them an opportunity,
possibly somebody who needs thework, or maybe you want to do a
trade with them. And you know,something that you have is
something that they would want,maybe it's a neighbor, and they
need something done by you. Andit's like, there's so many
(21:29):
options, and we get stuck inthis little rut of No, it just
looks like this. And I'm goingto be a burden instead of
exploring. So yeah, stopping,you know, just becoming, it
starts with becoming aware ofwhat the narrative is to begin
with. Right? If you're not awarethat there's even a narrative
(21:50):
going on, you can't change it.
Once you become aware of Well,here's the story. I keep telling
myself, then you could say isthat even a true story? Might
there be another one? Mightthere be 10 more,
Stephanie Allen (22:03):
right? So cool.
Maren Oslac (22:07):
That's, That's a fun. I know I'm going to to play
with this this week. So I lookforward to hearing from
everybody. Remember, we've gotour Facebook group, we've got
our LinkedIn group and we're nowon YouTube. And all of our links
and everything are in the shownotes so you can find them
there. Well, I look forward totalking to you next week on the
(22:27):
soulful leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen (22:37):
And that wraps up another episode of the
soulful leader podcast with yourhosts, Stephanie Allen,
Maren Oslac (22:43):
and Maren Oslac.
Thank you for listening. Ifyou'd like to dive deeper, head
over to our website at thesoulful leader podcast.com.
Stephanie Allen (22:54):
Until next time,
In a world where achievements and accolades
motivate us to do more and bemore, we're often left
wondering, is this really it?
Stephanie Allen (00:12):
deep inside, you know, there is more to life,
you're ready to leave behind theold push your way through, and
claim the deeper life that'scalling you. That's where we
excel. We're your hosts,Stephanie Allen,
Maren Oslac (00:25):
and Maren Oslac.
Stephanie Allen (00:26):
And this is the soulful leader podcast,
Maren Oslac (00:29):
sit back and relax as we share the shortcuts we've
uncovered, to help you makeshift happen.
Stephanie Allen (00:42):
Hi, welcome to the soulful leader podcast. This
is Stephanie and I'm here withMaren. And what a week it has
been, I can see a theme ofwanting to ask for help and
feeling like it's a burden. Orthat I'm a burden, or I'm
putting a burden on somebody.
And I've seen it both ways. I'veseen it both with myself wanting
(01:03):
to ask for help and feeling Ishould have already figured this
all out, and I'm annoying thisperson, or I've seen it the
other way, where people willsay, you know, as a business
person, I should have it alltogether, I shouldn't feel
vulnerable to be reaching out toask for help. Because people are
gonna think less of me or, youknow, I won't have it all
(01:24):
together.
Maren Oslac (01:26):
You know, we are really taught that we're
supposed to be able to do itall.
Stephanie Allen (01:34):
Yeah, I know, like, where on God's earth, who
you just show me, I just want toknow, who can do it all? Like, I
mean, yeah, we might be able todo some things for a little
while out of our comfort zone,or out of our gifts and
strengths and passions, and, butover a longer period of time,
it's exhausting, like good luck.
Maren Oslac (01:55):
It is exhausting, and it you know, it's like the
cost, like you said, we might beable to manage it for a time.
And then it's like, we've gotall those, you're juggling and
you've got all the balls in theair. And at some point, the
balls are gonna start to dropand whether that's your health
or a relationship or part ofyour business, or, you know, so
(02:17):
often we do we sacrifice ourhealth and our relationship for
our businesses. And for somereason, that's, that's okay.
We've been we've So yeah, that'sokay. We've made that an
acceptable exchange. Instead ofasking for help, I mean, that's
(02:43):
one alternative is to ask forhelp. And yet, there's this
whole shame filled belief systemaround that, like, we're not,
we're not good enough. If I askfor help, I'm not good enough,
or I'm putting you out.
Stephanie Allen (02:58):
It could be that or it could also be, and
I'm even want to put it out tothose who are listening right
now. It's like, I'd like to knowwhat you all out there believe
about asking for help. Like,what do you tell yourself, like
when you actually have to pickup the phone or send an email
or, you know, even if it's astranger in the grocery store,
and you have to ask them forhelp? Like, what happens to you?
(03:22):
What goes on internally, withyou? Like, what do you believe
about that? Like, you know, ifyou ask for help, and you
actually get it now, do you owethem something? Or do you feel
like your ego is completelycrushed? And that, you know,
you're a helpless, hopeless kindof being like, I really, I'm
really curious. Like, I washaving a conversation with
(03:43):
someone the other day, andthey're like, you know, we were
trying to get something done.
And I said, Look, why don't wejust hire somebody? Yeah, but I
can do it myself. I can do this.
I'm like, Yeah, but you'remiserable. And you're overtaxed.
You're you're exhausted. It'snot getting done. It was
supposed to get done back inJune. It's still not done. It's
now August, you know, cominginto September, and it's not
(04:04):
done. So I'm not shaming you.
I'm just saying, you know, whydon't we just get someone else
to do it? No big deal. No bigdeal. Like, and I think that's
what happens. I think, you know,when you ask for help, first of
all, you might feel ashamed. Butsecond of all, it actually
creates intimacy. So maybe whenwe don't ask for help, it
(04:25):
actually keeps everybody atarm's length. So no one really
gets too close to you to reallydiscover where your weaknesses
are, or where, you know, whereyour strengths are even. Like, I
think it's quite interesting.
Maren Oslac (04:40):
It's a safety thing.
Stephanie Allen (04:41):
Yeah. Safety in the way of an emotional, right,
mentally kind of a way.
Maren Oslac (04:49):
If I if I don't ask for help then I, then I won't
open up. Asking for help is anopening. It's a crack in the
armor. Yeah. What's interestingthing is, we had a podcast last
year about Kintsugi, theJapanese art of mending broken
pottery. And one of the things Iremember that you said at that
(05:13):
time is like, the cracks arewhere the light gets in.
Stephanie Allen (05:17):
Yeah, I think Leonard Cohen actually said
that, but that's okay. I can Ican you quote, probably I was
probably quoting
Maren Oslac (05:26):
yeah, I believe you were, I believe you were. And
you know, it's like the Japaneseart of Kintsugi is, is about
that. It's about making, it's sobeautiful, what can be made
from, it's like, we think ofperfection of like a perfect
pot, and then we break it. Andwe think, well, it's trash. No,
(05:47):
it's not trash. That's us. We'rebroken. We're all broken. And
like Leonard Cohen said, that iswhere the light gets in.
Stephanie Allen (05:54):
And that's where intimacy happens. And what
I mean by intimacy, I've saidthis before, as in-to-me-I-see.
It's like we have been createdin a culture that it's like a
silo culture, like I'm a one anddone, I can do it all, like a
one man band kind of thing. Andwhat that does is it creates
separateness, it divides usinstead of, you know, coming
(06:17):
together, having, havingsomewhere where you actually
need someone else's help allowsa relationship to unfold. You
know, and I just witnessedsomething today that just
totally broke my heart open. Youknow, I got a couple of friends,
friends of mine, who are acouple, you know, they had
something really horrifichappen. And she just completely
(06:40):
melted in his arms with tears.
And he held her. And she wasvisibly saying, I need help. He
didn't fix her. He didn't trainchange her. He didn't judge her.
He was literally present for andit broke my heart because I
realized, you know, I think wedon't tend to ask for help until
we're broken. Until we are insuch a hellacious hot mess
(07:05):
place, then we are able to letit in. And I'm like, what, if,
and how beautiful that is, toowhen that happens. But what if
we didn't have to wait? who weare in that position to actually
ask for help? You know,recently, I had some things
happen to me at my cottage, andI had visitors come out. And it
was so funny, because theyhelped me set up a fire pit that
(07:29):
I had bought in the beginning ofthe summer, that I thought was
going to take me all day. And itwas going to be a pain in that I
had this huge story built up inmy own mind about what it was
going to take to make thishappen. I think it took 15
minutes, actually. And we weredone. Which is hysterical. And
then we have this lovelyfirepit. And you know, an old
part of me would have said, Ohmy gosh, I invite these people
(07:51):
out and I put them to work.
Right? I'm like, What am I doinghere? How rude. Nice. Nobody, no
wonder nobody wants to come outand do anything. I'm just gonna
put them to work. But thatwasn't it at all. Like, they
actually felt good about doing,you know, being able to make a
difference and doing ittogether. And it happened so
quickly. Like it just waseffortless. And it was it was
(08:12):
fun.
Maren Oslac (08:14):
I love that because so much of it. It's all just
stories we tell ourselveswhether it's to keep ourselves
safe, or because it's a storythat we learned. And what I mean
by that is, like you said, youknow, the story that you had
been telling yourself is oh,well, you know, I invite people
out and, and then I put them towork. No wonder nobody wants to
be here, or it's gonna take meall day you had all these
(08:36):
stories. And when all of asudden done, it was like, boom.
And the other half of that storyis, so Earlier you asked our
audience to think about whatare, how does it make you feel
when you have to ask somebodyfor help? I want to also,
Stephanie Allen (08:54):
and what do you tell yourself about that?
Maren Oslac (08:56):
what do you tell yourself? So those are the
stories. The other, the flipside of that is I want you all
to think about, what is it, Howdoes it make you feel when
somebody else asks you for help,for your expertise, and you can
actually be of service to them?
Stephanie Allen (09:13):
And it's easy for you it's natural,
Maren Oslac (09:15):
right. And whether it's something that you do
easily or you know somebody whodoes it easily. And then it just
gets done. And you think oh myand how does that make you feel?
What are the stories you tellabout that? Because that's the
flip side of the same coin.
Stephanie Allen (09:33):
Yeah. So recently Maren, and I had a
small group of entrepreneursthat we worked with. And that
was one of the things weactually asked them to consider.
Because we were asking them,hey, how do you feel when you
ask for help? And they were allclamoring, they're like, oh, I
don't want to ask for help. Ifeel like I'm burdening people
all this stuff, all thesestories came up. And so we
(09:53):
actually ask them the veryquestion that we just asked you
all, it's like, well, how doesit feel when someone asked asks
you to show up and do the verything that you are gifted at.
And it's not, it's nothing foryou, nothing. Like, do you feel
love? Do you feel valued? Do youfeel appreciated? Do you feel
acknowledged? like all theseamazing things like you get so
(10:16):
much out of it. And I said, Sonow, think about that next time
you go to ask somebody for help,you're actually acknowledging
them, you're actually valuingthem, you're actually
appreciating them, you'reactually literally shining the
light on their gifts andstrengths.
Maren Oslac (10:33):
And you're empowering them to, you know,
instead of taking it out oftheir hands and saying, oh, no,
I can do it by myself, like yourfirepit, I can do it, I can do
it, I can do it. You'reempowering somebody to feel
needed and useful and helpful.
And now we can share ittogether. And there is an
intimacy that's created there.
(10:55):
You know, it's the sharedculture instead of the siloed.
culture. And we're actuallymeant to be in a shared culture,
Stephanie Allen (11:03):
well, and vulnerability, you know, Brene
Brown, has totally coined thiswhole new switching the, you
know, flipping the switch in ourbrain to say that actually,
vulnerability takes a huge actof courage.
Maren Oslac (11:18):
It's a superpower,
Stephanie Allen (11:19):
it's a superpower. And it actually
brings you into relationship andintimacy. And so when you're
asking for help, you're actuallyyou're actually making a bid for
intimacy. To let someoneactually see you, like I said,
you know, this couple that had ameltdown in front of me, and
were just so beautiful, Iactually cried, not just for
(11:41):
what had happened to them it butit was more of like crying of
like to know how beautiful thetwo of you are right now. Like,
I want that, like, I could feelin my heart, my longing of like,
wow, to feel totally safe, tocompletely unravel myself, and
(12:02):
be held.
Maren Oslac (12:03):
So I want to address something that's
probably, it may or may not bean elephant in the room. So
we're using this word intimacy,and that oftentimes, is reserved
for couples.
Stephanie Allen (12:21):
Lovers
Maren Oslac (12:22):
lovers, we don't think about that in terms of
entrepreneurs, or business orleadership. And I want to
actually bring that to thetable. Because when I have
intimacy, and it's a non sexualintimacy, it's not a lovers type
of thing. It's a loving, not alovers, with my team, or in a
(12:48):
business relationship. You know,one of the things I just heard
you say was that, you know, youwitnessed this in in a couple,
and you could feel the longingin yourself. I have felt that
when I've gone into businessesthat have that intimacy, it's
like they finish each other'ssentences, and they know where
the other person is, and theycan, they have, I remember when
(13:12):
I was at my studio, when I hadthe studio, and I walked into
another studio, and the studioowner had this moment where, you
know, we were talking about whatwas needed. And he's like, Yeah,
okay, let me grab somebody, andhe brought that person into our
conversation. And it was like,they just mind melded, and
suddenly the person went off,and I knew that it would be
(13:34):
competently done. And I waslike, oh, I want that. you know,
and it's the same thing. It's,there's an intimacy to it. So
when we're using that word, it'snot just for couples or lovers.
It is a deeper way of knowing,and opening and enriches your
(13:56):
business.
Stephanie Allen (13:57):
I think. I think we've been told that you
don't want to be the damsel indistress, you don't want to be a
victim, you don't want to be thehelpless, you know, and yet,
going back to Brene Brown,saying vulnerability actually is
a high act of courage. If youbring it to another level of
saying, You know what, my giftsand strengths are not in this
area. Or I am just so taxedright now. I am really need. I
(14:22):
really need some support. Ireally need some help. Who is it
that I know that has a skill orwho can help? me because we
often will also ask a wholebunch of people that are totally
not able to help us. That's away of sabotaging ourselves and
not
Maren Oslac (14:35):
from a place from a really needy place.
Stephanie Allen (14:38):
Right
Maren Oslac (14:38):
Needy whiney
Stephanie Allen (14:39):
Right? Right, right.
Maren Oslac (14:40):
We're not Yeah, that doesn't work.
Stephanie Allen (14:42):
Instead of literally asking and asking,
Hey, do you know of anybody whocould help me with? or I'm, I'm
really struggling with his area.
Do you have any suggestions forme? or like to literally,
because what you're doing isactually saying I'm worth it.
Taking time to show up to toinvest in, and I value you and
(15:02):
your opinion and your ideals.
Can you can you, you know, canyou see my blind spot here? Can
you help me have a look at thisand shift it? and if we're in a
place of poor me victim, I amhelpless, hopeless, you're gonna
take that as criticism andjudgment. And you're not good
(15:24):
enough and all of that crazinessversus literally saying wait a
minute, I think, I believe I'mhere for a reason and what I'm
offering I really believe in.
And I love what I do. And I knowI'm actually not meant to do it
all. In fact, I've heard ourteacher one of our teachers say,
with life mission, you know,doing what you love to do, and
the way you love to do it withthe people you love most in the
(15:47):
way that the world most needs tohave done, that actually, the
fastest way to reach selfrealization is to get married,
have children and open yourbusiness, you basically are on
the fast track, because youaren't supposed to do it alone.
Maren Oslac (16:05):
It's gonna challenge every aspect of that
Stephanie Allen (16:08):
Exactly. And you're going to need a
community, and you're going toneed practices, and you're going
to need a skill set. And you'regoing to be able to have to
articulate what you need and howto ask for help and also receive
it. I think that's another thatcould be another whole podcast
on its own is learning how toreceive help when it's offered
to you to let it in and notblock it. But I think that is
(16:30):
that that same, that same sortof currency really is, it's that
flow.
Maren Oslac (16:38):
You know, the interesting thing is that the
the Buddhist community say thatthe next Buddha is going to be
what's called a sangha. And I'mprobably pronouncing that
totally wrong. It will be in theshownotes. It's essentially a
collective, it's not going to bea singular person, it will be a
(16:58):
collective, it'll be a group.
And this speaks directly to, tome anyway, where we are as a
culture. And as businesses wherewe are moving from this place of
worshiping the siloed, we can doit ourselves. We're all
competitors, like, you know,wipe out every every other
(17:19):
living thing that that mightpossibly compete with me, et
cetera, et cetera, to a new wayof doing things which is
collaborative, and notcompetitive, but cooperative,
and bringing it together and cocreative. And so where, where we
are valuing each other's giftsand strengths and not feeling
(17:40):
like I'm not good enough if Ican't do everything. I wasn't
meant to do everything, I needpeople. So the next Buddha, the
next wise, being coming into theBuddhist community, is a
collective, where it's not asingle person. And it's like,
wow, that's very powerful. Mmhmm. So as leaders, I would
(18:03):
think this week, it would begreat to hear from you about
what are the things that come upfor you, when you think of
either being a burden, or ablessing for, when you're asking
(18:27):
for something, do you feel likea burden? Or are you being a
blessing? when you ask someonefor something, and then flipping
it around and saying, ifsomebody asked me for something,
where do, where am I on thatsame spectrum? Am I a burden? Or
am I a blessing? Yeah. And maybesit with that for a little bit
(18:47):
this week.
Stephanie Allen (18:50):
Because this is, the internal training is to
actually change the innernarrative, the dialogue, yeah,
like I have this, I have thisbeautiful piece of land that's
been in our family since the1940s. And it's oceanfront. And
there's all kinds of trees onit, because I don't want to cut
down the trees. And for me,personally, because it's on the
(19:13):
ocean front, it actually savesour land. But it's a pain in the
butt because you have to goaround it with lawn mower all
the time. And thewhippersnipper, there's a lot
more to do than just a straightline. And I could feel myself
out the other day, you know,mowing the lawn and going, Wow,
I get to do this. This is sobeautiful. It's so beautiful.
(19:33):
Like I could complain, I couldgo on I'm like, Well wait a
minute, or I could just ask forhelp and get something or I
could just simply enjoy it. Ihave choice. Yeah. And if I'm
not enjoying it, and I can'tseem to get right inside my
heart to make it into ablessing. That's when I need to
ask for help. Then go hiresomebody, hire, and I know I
(19:55):
know, I can hear you all like ohyou we can't even find people to
work in the greatest places. butyou know, maybe we're not asking
in a way that is in, you know,like, that is intriguing. Or
maybe, maybe we just haven'tfound also our way to receive.
Because, you know, we do createour own reality. What I mean by
(20:17):
that is if I believe that I'mburdening somebody, and that I'm
helpless and hopeless, and I go,and I ask for help, or help from
that place, I can pretty muchfor no matter what they say, I'm
going to interpret it that I ambeing judged and criticized.
Yeah. But if I shift thatinternal dialogue to like, no,
(20:40):
actually, I, you know, I havethe life force to do this, or I
know somebody who's really goodat doing this. And I can ask
them for help. And I canpractice receiving because I can
say, you know, I'm, I'm worthtaking the time at my cottage
just to enjoy the beach, I don'tnecessarily have to mow my lawn,
I can have somebody else do it,then I will literally come from
(21:02):
a different place both askingand receiving. And I think
that's a great thing to try thisweek.
Maren Oslac (21:07):
I love that because you can also, part of that shift
is also realizing that you'reoffering them an opportunity,
possibly somebody who needs thework, or maybe you want to do a
trade with them. And you know,something that you have is
something that they would want,maybe it's a neighbor, and they
need something done by you. Andit's like, there's so many
(21:29):
options, and we get stuck inthis little rut of No, it just
looks like this. And I'm goingto be a burden instead of
exploring. So yeah, stopping,you know, just becoming, it
starts with becoming aware ofwhat the narrative is to begin
with. Right? If you're not awarethat there's even a narrative
(21:50):
going on, you can't change it.
Once you become aware of Well,here's the story. I keep telling
myself, then you could say isthat even a true story? Might
there be another one? Mightthere be 10 more,
Stephanie Allen (22:03):
right? So cool.
Maren Oslac (22:07):
That's, That's a fun. I know I'm going to to play
with this this week. So I lookforward to hearing from
everybody. Remember, we've gotour Facebook group, we've got
our LinkedIn group and we're nowon YouTube. And all of our links
and everything are in the shownotes so you can find them
there. Well, I look forward totalking to you next week on the
(22:27):
soulful leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen (22:37):
And that wraps up another episode of the
soulful leader podcast with yourhosts, Stephanie Allen,
Maren Oslac (22:43):
and Maren Oslac.
Thank you for listening. Ifyou'd like to dive deeper, head
over to our website at thesoulful leader podcast.com.
Stephanie Allen (22:54):
Until next time,
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