September 30, 2024 • 29 mins
Can discipline really be a tool for growth and empowerment in children with special needs? On this follow-up to episode 22 of the Special Parent Podcast, we're tackling this profound question head-on. We'll explore the internal struggles parents often face when setting boundaries, and how these decisions can influence our children's potential to learn and thrive. Join me as I share personal stories and professional insights from therapists, respite providers, and fellow parents who have navigated these challenging yet rewarding waters.
Discover the nuances of behavior modification with practical reinforcement strategies tailored to the unique needs of special children. We’ll clarify the differences between positive and negative reinforcement and emphasize the crucial role of consistency. Understanding each child's cognitive and developmental stages is key, and we’ll discuss why a unified approach among caregivers is so vital. You'll learn about the importance of community support and creative, individualized solutions to behavioral challenges.
Finally, we'll highlight the indispensable role of siblings and the power of teamwork in fostering positive behaviors. From setting clear goals to implementing effective strategies, we cover it all. Plus, we emphasize the importance of self-care for parents and the magic of celebrating small victories. By creating a "wins jar," you can document and reflect on those positive moments that fuel motivation and resilience. So tune in for an empowering message: you've got this, and your child has the potential to flourish with the right discipline and support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Have you ever struggled withknowing how and when to
(00:42):
consequence a special needschild?
I know that I have.
Welcome to the Special ParentPodcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and we'rehere today talking about
discipline with children whohave disabilities.
This is actually part two.
We're going to have athree-part episode on this one.
In part one, I had a specialguest, my husband and father of
(01:05):
three children, mr Brian Iverson, and we started talking about
disciplining special needschildren and the parental role
in that and how we as parents,how it's not always easy to
unite together.
Sometimes it can be a strugglebetween a couple.
So if you didn't have a chanceto see that one, please tune to
special parentorg and take alook at that episode.
(01:26):
It gives you an opportunity tosee how we attempt to navigate
these challenging situations.
Today we're going to talk aboutwhat it's like for disciplining.
First of all, when a child isborn with special needs,
especially as needs maybe getmore challenging or progress or
(01:46):
get more severe, we notice asparents from the get-go.
We notice that it is going tobe very challenging for us and
there are going to belimitations for our children,
and these limitations sometimescan make us feel like we don't
want to put any otherlimitations on our child.
We already know that life'sgoing to be different, that our
(02:07):
children are going to havechallenges and we as parents are
going to have challenges thatare just different and unique
than the regular population thatis out there.
So when that happens, we canfeel that discipline adds more
limitations to our children orit heightens their disability,
and sometimes that makes usquestion if we should be doing
(02:29):
discipline at all.
What was hard for me to learn,but what I have found through
research supporting it at all,refusing discipline conveys.
I don't believe that you canlearn to be any different.
Ooh, boom, knife in the hearton that one.
When we refuse to disciplineour children, we say to them I
(02:51):
don't believe you can be anydifferent.
When we discipline, when we putappropriate boundaries up for
our children, what we're sayingto them is I believe you can
learn to work within appropriateboundaries.
M is I believe you can learn towork within appropriate
boundaries and I believe in yourability to improve.
So this is really important.
(03:14):
I was I'm grateful for thepeople that I have been
surrounded with.
The therapists that my son hashad since he was born are having
respite providers, arehabilitation, have habilitation
and respite provider who has,with so much courage, stood by,
as sometimes when I have said,oh, I've had my frustration
moments, I don't want to do itthat way and then I'll have to
come around sometimes and say,no, I see what you were
(03:34):
suggesting.
I'm really grateful for them.
And even the family members whohave tried to speak into me
like hey, I know I don't knowwhat you're going through, but
I'm here to listen and here tohelp and I'm here to give
suggestions and sometimes it washard to hear those suggestions,
but other times it was almostlike you don't think I've tried
that, but I didn't say that.
(03:57):
It's just as parents, we listento everything else that's said
out there, everything aboutparenting.
And then we go out in the worldwith our children and when our
children have special needs,sometimes we get the looks and
in fact I have an episode that'scompletely dedicated to a blog
(04:17):
that was put out there calledLady, get Control of your Kid
and, ooh, sometimes thosejudgmental looks.
So, when it comes to discipline,there is a lot of trial and
error.
I know that I have tried a lotof things that have absolutely
failed, but I also know that I'mglad I tried them, because when
it comes to trial and error, asa parent with special needs
(04:39):
children, what you're basicallysaying to your child and to
yourself is I am willing to doeverything that I can to help
you be successful.
Oh, that one didn't work.
All right, we're going to trysomething else.
Key thing about trial and erroris you have to be willing to try
something for a little bit oftime.
(05:01):
Once is not enough.
Once isn't going to tell you ifthere was enough of an impact.
If you try something one timeand they have a huge reaction,
well, maybe that means it wasn'tthe right thing to do, but
maybe that means it was exactlythe right thing to do and you
need to dig in more and do itmore.
You get to be the judge of that.
(05:21):
I know to some of you that waslike that's right.
I do To others that was like,well, thanks, that didn't help
me out.
Now I still feel you mightjudge it wrong.
I know I have, and that's whatparenting is.
Every parent out there hastried something and had it
completely fail Parents ofneurotypical kids, parents of
(05:42):
special needs kids and if anyoneacts like they know what
they're doing in parenting, thatjust may mean that them and
their child meshed perfectly,but they don't know what to do
for every child out there on theplanet.
So take, take just that deepbreath and go.
Okay, I know I've got this.
There's going to be lots oftrial and error, there's going
to be lots of changes, andthat's absolutely okay.
So how do we navigate that?
(06:03):
First and foremost, thatdepends on the disability in the
individual, that depends on theparent, that depends on the
child, which is why there's noright answer and there's also
not necessarily a wrong answer,as long as you're not being
abusive here.
There's not a wrong answer totrying something.
Children have limitations on howmuch they can learn and how
(06:25):
quickly they can learn,especially children with special
needs.
Some might even freeze in theirprogress.
That doesn't mean that we quittrying.
Maybe we need to try a newtherapy, maybe we need to try a
new thing, or maybe we need tojust keep pushing forward to
where we're at.
What is important, the mostimportant thing, is that we, as
parents, believe in theirability to improve.
(06:46):
We believe in their ability tolearn something that's going to
benefit them as a future adult.
So if we believe in theirability to grow and improve,
then our goal is to change theirbehavior.
Our goal with discipline isnever punishment.
Punishment doesn't teach Well,it does teach something.
(07:07):
Actually, let me re-reversethat Punishments and
consequences.
The goal is to change thebehavior.
If what ends up happening isthe punishment or the
consequence teaches the child tohide the behavior, you haven't
reached your goal becausethey're just going to learn to
hide their behavior, whichthey'll eventually get caught,
(07:27):
or it's going to beself-destructive for them as an
adult or in future relationships, future careers, jobs, etc.
So our goal is to change thebehavior.
So if the punishment orconsequence isn't leading to the
change you're looking for andyou've stuck with it for a while
, you know that it's really notworking, then you need to adjust
it.
And here's the other thing Somepunishments and consequences are
(07:50):
appropriate for age-appropriatesituations.
So you might do something for achild who's in elementary
school three, four, five, sixyears old but by the time
they're seven, eight, nine yearsold.
That's not going to workanymore and we're going to have
to make a change.
And that's okay.
We can make that change.
Just that change may be basedon their age.
Most likely it's based on theirdevelopmental stage, which is
(08:14):
not always based on their agewith special needs children and
you as a parent know that.
So punishment is not effectivefor learning.
It teaches us to hide behavior.
Behavior modification is for allsettings.
The benefits of changing ourbehavior in all settings creates
us to have, in a sense, a heartchange.
(08:36):
We change the way we think andfeel about how we're going to
react to the situation.
And when we have children thatstruggle with emotions and
behavior and struggle withunderstanding it, struggle with
communicating, then it's goingto take longer to learn it.
So you're on a bumpy, long road, mom and dad.
I'm on it with you and we cando this.
(08:58):
We just have to stick with itand be willing to say that's
okay, now this.
So reinforcement.
I want to start withreinforcement.
Reinforcement is key tobehavior modification.
So how do you reinforce yourchild's behaviors?
So when I say reinforcement, Idon't always mean something
positive.
(09:19):
For example, a child picks up athrow.
A child picks up a toy andthrows the toy.
You pick, not pick up, but youtake your child.
You place your hands on themgently and lovingly, but you
guide them over.
We're going to pick up the toy.
What happens is the child picksup the toy and throws it again.
(09:39):
You guide them over.
They pick up the toy, theythrow it again.
The child picks up the toy andthrows it again.
You guide them over.
They pick up the toy, theythrow it again.
Maybe your hands on the childand the guiding is actually a
reinforcement for them.
You think you're physicallyhelping and maybe they wanted
the physical contact.
Maybe the pressure on theshoulder is soothing and they're
having an overstimulationmoment.
(10:00):
Something about that isn'tworking, something about that is
reinforcing.
So when we talk aboutreinforcing behaviors, we have
to find what it is that's goingto get our child to say I didn't
like that, I'm going to dosomething different.
Or I really liked that.
I'm going to do it again.
So reinforcement comes in thosetwo pieces.
(10:22):
So key is that if we've so forexample the therapist if we have
reinforced something, maybe twoor three times before, we
realized, ooh, that actuallyreinforced the wrong behavior.
Here's the hard part we now aregoing to have 10 times more of
(10:43):
a challenge of reversing that.
So behavior is learned, behavioris learned by the responses we
get from the outside world andwithin ourselves, and so if
we've learned something feelsgood, if we've learned something
gets the response we want asparents, it's going to take 10
(11:03):
times more of an effort andtrials to unlearn or to, as we
would say, recondition thatbehavior.
So as we look at that 10 timesmore, first of all, the first
couple of times you change yourreinforcement, your child's
going to be confused becausethey're expecting what you've
(11:24):
done, that reinforced the badbehavior in a sense.
So it's going to cause someconfusion which, by the way, for
children, especially whenthey're younger or struggle with
communicating, means that thebehavior is going to probably
get worse.
So if your child mom, mom, mom,and they're smacking your leg,
mom, mom, mom, mom, and they'resmacking your leg, mom, mom, mom
(11:44):
, mom, and you turn and say I'mnot talking to you until you
stop hitting me.
You just talked to them.
That's the hard part, oh dang,but I was trying to explain it
to them.
It's our actions and our wordsthat get our children to have
that reinforcement.
(12:05):
So if that child wanted yourattention and you gave them your
attention to tell them how youweren't going to give them your
attention, you just gave themyour attention.
So now that smacking and thatmom, mom, mom might get louder
and harder when you change yourreinforcement.
That's actually typical.
That's a child finding theirboundaries.
Hey guys, when children arepushing boundaries, this is a
(12:29):
good sign that they're children.
This is what children aresupposed to do.
They're supposed to find wherethe bumpers are that they can
drive between for life.
They are supposed to find thoseboundaries.
So when they push, push, pushharder and harder on the
boundaries, that's becausethey're learning something.
So you just have to stick withit.
So, for example, mom, mom, mom,mom, mom, and instead of turning
(12:50):
and saying something to yourchild, turn and walk away and as
they chase you or as they fallon the floor crying and there's
so many different responses wecould have you're going to just
keep your attention away.
Then if there is something thatchanges again because again it
could escalate because you'veresponded to it it could
(13:11):
escalate before it actually getsbetter.
That's totally natural andnormal.
You got to stick with it if youknow that that's the right
thing to do.
So reinforcement is key.
But remember, if you'vereinforced something
accidentally we all do it byaccident then the other thing
that you need to do is recognizeit's probably going to take 10
times longer to change thatbehavior and you're just going
(13:34):
to have to stick with it.
So, positive versus negativereinforcement Positive
reinforcement doesn't mean thatit's good.
It just means you addedsomething, so you gave attention
, you gave a treat.
Negative reinforcement meansyou withheld something, you took
away something from them.
So when you hear people talkabout positive versus negative
(13:55):
reinforcement, they're talkingabout what you add or take away,
not if it was actually good orbad.
That's not what that means.
So if I use that or if you hearthat used just kind of know
that going forward.
So step one is to learn how yourchild's condition may impact
discipline.
So if your child has a learningdisability or a behavioral
disability, even just ADHD, it'sgood to do a little bit of
(14:19):
research to figure out how yourchild's cognitive abilities,
focus abilities, developmentalabilities may impact discipline.
Your community of people thatare with you are going to be key
in that.
So your community of people,sensory situations so if you are
in a community with autism, youmight want to talk about
(14:39):
sensory situations that aregoing to impact discipline.
We're not going if a child isoverwhelmed and curled up crying
in a corner, we're not going toimpact discipline.
We're not going.
If a child is overwhelmed andcurled up crying in a corner,
we're not going to punish thatbehavior out of them.
That's just not going to happen.
You're not going to consequencethat out of them.
But you can bribe a lot oftimes to get to do something
else or distract the brain byplaying a game and get to do
(15:01):
something else.
So find out by connecting withyour community if there is
anything other parents havefound successful.
Other parents are a greatresource for that.
The place that a child may learntheir ability to understand the
gravity of their actions can bein a sense impacted by their
(15:21):
cognitive ability, their medicalabilities, by their cognitive
ability, their medical abilitiesand some psychological factors.
So keep in mind that if yourchild's learning ability is
actually a brain processingdisorder.
That's going to impact the waythat you work with them.
So if they have a brainprocessing disorder and they're
neurologically not able toprocess things in the same way,
(15:42):
you might have to start gettingcreative.
And that's where I would talkwith occupational therapists,
psychologists, school counselorsto get some strategies that are
specific to your child, forpeople that know your child or
know your child's disability.
Next one is consistency.
Didn't I just say a lot oftrial and error?
(16:03):
How does that work withconsistency?
Fair question Consistency Italked about in part one before
this with my lovely husband.
There was a lot of trial anderror, but when we made changes
we stuck with them for a whileand then, if we were going to
make a change, we all the entireteam, the hab and respite
(16:23):
provider, the occupationaltherapist, whoever was a part of
our team all got on.
The entire team, the hab andrespite provider, the
occupational therapist, whoeverwas a part of our team all got
on the same page before thechange happened and then we knew
and we all understood how wewere going to make the change.
So consistency, not only fortime, but consistency for all
the people that are involved.
Consistency might even meantagging in a sibling, okay.
So when your sibling does thefollowing, this is what you need
(16:46):
to do, because siblings are oursecret warriors in this.
In the struggles that we havewith our special needs kids, our
siblings sometimes getoverlooked, and this is a hard
road for them too.
I have a podcast on siblingsand special needs of special
needs children, so please go tospecialparentorg and check that
(17:07):
out.
They can be part of this withyou.
They can learn strategies.
They can learn the importanceof consistency.
So timing habits routine.
It can take weeks, it can takemonths and it takes the team.
So if you decide to make achange, make sure your whole
team is on that change Timing.
What does that mean?
I would say if you're going totry something, if you decide to
(17:27):
make a change, make sure yourwhole team is on that change
Timing.
What does that mean?
I would say if you're going totry something, you need to give
it at least two weeks, and byleast meaning that's the minimum
.
If you think about the generalrule of how long it takes to
create a habit, you're almost atlike a month of something about
20 consistent days in a row ofdoing something.
That's to create a habit for aneurotypical individual.
So at least two weeks, I wouldsay up to a month, unless you
(17:51):
know you're having such a strongreaction within the first two
weeks that it's absolutely notworking.
So try a new disciplinestrategy as a team for a good
amount of time before you decideif it's worked or hasn't worked
.
For a good amount of time beforeyou decide if it's worked or
hasn't worked, should you letyour child know the goal Maybe?
(18:16):
So it kind of depends.
I would say in a lot of cases,yes, if your child is of the
developmental age or ability tounderstand, you can simply say
okay, we don't like the way youthrow when you're angry, so
we're going to work on notthrowing when you're angry.
We're going to give you otherthings to do, letting your child
(18:38):
know that.
Saying to your child we noticethat you struggle to get up in
the morning and that's not goingto be good for you as you
become an adult.
We're going to help you withstrategies to motivate you to
get up in the morning.
So whatever it is that the goalis that you're working on.
(18:59):
You know it's not acceptable tohit your sister, so we're going
to do this plan because youneed to stop hitting your sister
.
That's not healthy for you orher, those kinds of things.
So, yes, I would let your childknow the goal, if your child is
, of the ability to understandthe goal and work with it, okay.
(19:23):
So get everyone on the samepage, including your child.
All right, rewards and naturalconsequences.
Rewards add attention fordesired behavior as much as
possible.
Ignore, ignore, ignore behavioryou don't want.
So the child, the mom, mom, momsmacking your leg, ignore it.
Don't talk to them.
(19:43):
Don't tell them that you're notgoing to talk to them.
Don't swat their hand away.
Don't tell them, stop it.
All of that's exactly what theywanted.
They wanted your attention.
So we're not going to do that.
We're going to ignore badbehavior.
Your child picks up and throws atoy and then they look at you.
Guess what?
(20:03):
They wanted you to react.
If it's a safe environment,don't react.
Now, if you see your child walkover and pick up the toy, try
to be real good at your timing.
Maybe they're going to pick itup to throw it again, but they
pick it up before they throw ityou go.
Oh, thank you so much forpicking up your toy.
Why don't you come have a treat.
Why don't you have a french fry?
Why don't you go over and givethem a thank you so much for
(20:25):
picking up your toy?
Mommy's hugs or the squeeze onthe shoulder or whatever is a
reward to your child.
You know your child best.
Try to catch them before theythrow it, because they picked it
up again, maybe to do somethingnefarious with it, but you're
going to.
Oh yay, so that right there,that is the reward.
The reward might be yourattention.
(20:46):
The reward might be somethingtangible, whatever it is.
By the way, you can buy a lotof little tangible fidgets on
Amazon for pretty cheap if youneed something small to just
reward your child with.
We use them in the classroomsall the time.
But a reward is an addedattention for a desired behavior
.
You have to catch them beinggood and you have to praise that
(21:08):
and love that.
Consequences, on the other hand, relate to the behavior.
A child is throwing food, so youtake the plate away.
Some people are like but mychild is underweight and doesn't
eat enough.
Yes, you're right, but maybeyou're just going to give them
the one french fry at a time, sothey throw it and you go.
Oh, I guess you're not thathungry.
Sometimes we have to pick.
(21:30):
Our battle Is the battle?
Are they ever going to finishthe meal if they keep throwing
it off the plate?
Because if our goal is to getthem to finish the meal, then we
need to stop them from throwingit off the plate first.
So we have to sometimes knowwhich battle to pick and why
we're picking it in the moment.
So if they're going to throwfood, take the food away.
(21:54):
If they're going to, we'vetalked about throwing a toy.
But if let's say that they'regoing to scream every time they
want your attention and you'rein a store and they scream and
you're thinking I can ignorethese poor people in all this
store, well, maybe, depending onthe situation, you can, or
maybe you're not givingattention to the child.
You actually wheel them to thedoor, lift them out.
(22:16):
You're not talking to them,you're not making eye contact.
You just get in the car and yougo home without any and they
scream all the way and theyscream, and they scream and you
get home and there you continueto ignore until they stop
screaming.
And then you can say and ifthey look at you and they stop
screaming, it's like I reallylike when we make eye contact
quietly.
Is there something you wantedto talk about?
Or give them a big hug at thatpoint?
(22:39):
Again, it all isdevelopmentally based on where
your child is, but the reward isgiven for desired behavior.
The consequence is somethingthat we initially want to take
away for the undesired behavior.
And yes, a lot of timesespecially once I hit
teenagehood we take away theirelectronics because that is
(23:02):
sometimes the best avenue wehave.
They get bored.
In fact, I had my child tell methe other day because he had
his electronics taken away.
Mom, I'm bored and I said thatis fabulous.
He looked at me like I wascrazy and I actually said let me
read you this.
And I pulled up a littlearticle.
I didn't read the whole articleto him, but basically it said
boredom is so healthy for thebrain.
It's when we, as Americans,used to be incredibly innovative
(23:27):
.
Guess what your children willbe more innovative when they're
bored.
Incredibly innovative, guesswhat your children will be more
innovative when they're bored.
So keep that in mind.
We want to give attention fordesired behavior.
We want to pull back forundesired behavior.
Introverts and children withautism may find a timeout
rewarding.
Keep that in mind, because ifyou provide a timeout for your
(23:49):
child and that was a reward forthe behavior.
Now you've just made them goevery time.
I need to get a break fromeverybody in this house.
I'm just going to do this and Igot myself a break.
So you have to know your child.
You have to know if they're anintrovert and the timeout is
rewarding not that you're goingto stick them in a room and
scream at them, because that'snot the desired thing either,
(24:11):
but you need to find anotherconsequence or another way to
reward them.
Maybe you use the timeout as areward.
You get five minutes alone withyour earbuds in, or you're
going to have five minutes ofquiet time watching your
favorite TV show, or whatever itis.
Clear and simple messages.
So again, developmentally, thisis important.
(24:33):
We want to be clear with whatwe're doing and what we're
expecting from them.
They don't need to have a fulldiscussion about discipline.
They're going to get the pointby your actions.
If your actions are on point,they're getting the point.
That was funny.
The point by your actions.
If your actions are on point,they're getting the point.
That was funny.
(24:57):
So keep your expectationssimple.
If that means you have to usepictures for our children that
are not so good with verbal.
Yet go ahead and print off somepictures that explain exactly
what you want.
Use videos, role play things,use gestures.
Repetition of our simplemessages is going to get the
point across Again simple, short, sweet, to the point, and that
has to be for all caregivers,like I said.
(25:18):
So if you're going to use asimple message to convey
something, make sure allcaregivers are using that same
simple message Okay Routinesavoid meltdown.
If behaviors consistently happenat the same time with the same
people or in the same activities, we have a trigger.
So we need to reduce thetrigger unless it's anxiety
(25:40):
causing.
Look at my anxiety episodes onhow we want to be careful with
feeding anxiety.
We want to reduce the triggeror we can add a break, a rest, a
snack, a song, something toreduce it.
So if we know like okayroutines, avoid meltdowns.
If we know that if we do this,this and this, and now the child
is tired and they need a break,we need to make sure that part
(26:03):
of our routine is a break beforewe start whatever is going to
come next.
If we make breaks a part of theroutine, that is a healthy life
skill we're teaching our child.
It is very hard for any of us,even in an eight-hour workday,
to legit work eight hourswithout needing a brain break, a
lunch break, a snack break.
(26:24):
That's why people walk to thewater cooler, as we used to call
it.
That's why people go to thesnack bar or go grab a coffee or
grab a soda.
They're really just taking abrain break.
We didn't really need thecoffee or soda, or maybe we did,
but it's the brain break andyour child needs that too.
All children do, even highschool kids.
(26:46):
So, if you'll notice, passingperiods between classes really
should be an opportunity for abrain break, because eight hours
of just constant learning allday is exhausting.
That brain has worked itslittle patootie off.
So we want to make sure that weteach our children the healthy
skill of brain breaks, notprocrastination, but brain
(27:09):
breaks.
So if we are noticing they meltdown at a certain time or a
certain place or anything else,we need to teach them how to
take a break before they take ameltdown.
So here's the key thing Once weknow what reinforces our child,
we can exploit that.
Sorry, that was my little laughthere.
Once we know what reinforcesour child, we can exploit what
(27:31):
reinforces our child.
We can make that work for us.
Ask yourself what motivatesyour child, what are they
willing to work for?
And make it work for you.
All right, folks, to wrap up,today, the key is believe in
your child's ability to learn isbelieve in your child's ability
(27:54):
to learn.
Believe in their ability tofind the bumpers and know the
boundaries for their life.
Believe in your abilities totrain your child.
It's okay to have trial anderror, just like you're going to
teach them.
Sometimes things aren't goingto go right.
It's going to be okay for you,too, and that's a great modeling
opportunity.
It's going to be okay for you,too, and that's a great modeling
opportunity.
It's exhausting.
(28:19):
There's good days, there's baddays, but don't give up.
Focus on the wins.
In fact, I say create a winsjar.
Have a cup or a jar on thecounter or a basket or something
, and every time you have a win,write it down.
And when you need to rememberthat there was a win, go to that
jar and pull it out and be likeoh, that's right, we had that
good day, woo.
Create a win jar.
Write them down, take care ofyourself.
Build your tank up, becausethis is special needs parenting.
(28:40):
This is love, and you've gotthis.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Have you ever struggled withknowing how and when to
(00:42):
consequence a special needschild?
I know that I have.
Welcome to the Special ParentPodcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and we'rehere today talking about
discipline with children whohave disabilities.
This is actually part two.
We're going to have athree-part episode on this one.
In part one, I had a specialguest, my husband and father of
(01:05):
three children, mr Brian Iverson, and we started talking about
disciplining special needschildren and the parental role
in that and how we as parents,how it's not always easy to
unite together.
Sometimes it can be a strugglebetween a couple.
So if you didn't have a chanceto see that one, please tune to
special parentorg and take alook at that episode.
(01:26):
It gives you an opportunity tosee how we attempt to navigate
these challenging situations.
Today we're going to talk aboutwhat it's like for disciplining.
First of all, when a child isborn with special needs,
especially as needs maybe getmore challenging or progress or
(01:46):
get more severe, we notice asparents from the get-go.
We notice that it is going tobe very challenging for us and
there are going to belimitations for our children,
and these limitations sometimescan make us feel like we don't
want to put any otherlimitations on our child.
We already know that life'sgoing to be different, that our
(02:07):
children are going to havechallenges and we as parents are
going to have challenges thatare just different and unique
than the regular population thatis out there.
So when that happens, we canfeel that discipline adds more
limitations to our children orit heightens their disability,
and sometimes that makes usquestion if we should be doing
(02:29):
discipline at all.
What was hard for me to learn,but what I have found through
research supporting it at all,refusing discipline conveys.
I don't believe that you canlearn to be any different.
Ooh, boom, knife in the hearton that one.
When we refuse to disciplineour children, we say to them I
(02:51):
don't believe you can be anydifferent.
When we discipline, when we putappropriate boundaries up for
our children, what we're sayingto them is I believe you can
learn to work within appropriateboundaries.
M is I believe you can learn towork within appropriate
boundaries and I believe in yourability to improve.
So this is really important.
(03:14):
I was I'm grateful for thepeople that I have been
surrounded with.
The therapists that my son hashad since he was born are having
respite providers, arehabilitation, have habilitation
and respite provider who has,with so much courage, stood by,
as sometimes when I have said,oh, I've had my frustration
moments, I don't want to do itthat way and then I'll have to
come around sometimes and say,no, I see what you were
(03:34):
suggesting.
I'm really grateful for them.
And even the family members whohave tried to speak into me
like hey, I know I don't knowwhat you're going through, but
I'm here to listen and here tohelp and I'm here to give
suggestions and sometimes it washard to hear those suggestions,
but other times it was almostlike you don't think I've tried
that, but I didn't say that.
(03:57):
It's just as parents, we listento everything else that's said
out there, everything aboutparenting.
And then we go out in the worldwith our children and when our
children have special needs,sometimes we get the looks and
in fact I have an episode that'scompletely dedicated to a blog
(04:17):
that was put out there calledLady, get Control of your Kid
and, ooh, sometimes thosejudgmental looks.
So, when it comes to discipline,there is a lot of trial and
error.
I know that I have tried a lotof things that have absolutely
failed, but I also know that I'mglad I tried them, because when
it comes to trial and error, asa parent with special needs
(04:39):
children, what you're basicallysaying to your child and to
yourself is I am willing to doeverything that I can to help
you be successful.
Oh, that one didn't work.
All right, we're going to trysomething else.
Key thing about trial and erroris you have to be willing to try
something for a little bit oftime.
(05:01):
Once is not enough.
Once isn't going to tell you ifthere was enough of an impact.
If you try something one timeand they have a huge reaction,
well, maybe that means it wasn'tthe right thing to do, but
maybe that means it was exactlythe right thing to do and you
need to dig in more and do itmore.
You get to be the judge of that.
(05:21):
I know to some of you that waslike that's right.
I do To others that was like,well, thanks, that didn't help
me out.
Now I still feel you mightjudge it wrong.
I know I have, and that's whatparenting is.
Every parent out there hastried something and had it
completely fail Parents ofneurotypical kids, parents of
(05:42):
special needs kids and if anyoneacts like they know what
they're doing in parenting, thatjust may mean that them and
their child meshed perfectly,but they don't know what to do
for every child out there on theplanet.
So take, take just that deepbreath and go.
Okay, I know I've got this.
There's going to be lots oftrial and error, there's going
to be lots of changes, andthat's absolutely okay.
So how do we navigate that?
(06:03):
First and foremost, thatdepends on the disability in the
individual, that depends on theparent, that depends on the
child, which is why there's noright answer and there's also
not necessarily a wrong answer,as long as you're not being
abusive here.
There's not a wrong answer totrying something.
Children have limitations on howmuch they can learn and how
(06:25):
quickly they can learn,especially children with special
needs.
Some might even freeze in theirprogress.
That doesn't mean that we quittrying.
Maybe we need to try a newtherapy, maybe we need to try a
new thing, or maybe we need tojust keep pushing forward to
where we're at.
What is important, the mostimportant thing, is that we, as
parents, believe in theirability to improve.
(06:46):
We believe in their ability tolearn something that's going to
benefit them as a future adult.
So if we believe in theirability to grow and improve,
then our goal is to change theirbehavior.
Our goal with discipline isnever punishment.
Punishment doesn't teach Well,it does teach something.
(07:07):
Actually, let me re-reversethat Punishments and
consequences.
The goal is to change thebehavior.
If what ends up happening isthe punishment or the
consequence teaches the child tohide the behavior, you haven't
reached your goal becausethey're just going to learn to
hide their behavior, whichthey'll eventually get caught,
(07:27):
or it's going to beself-destructive for them as an
adult or in future relationships, future careers, jobs, etc.
So our goal is to change thebehavior.
So if the punishment orconsequence isn't leading to the
change you're looking for andyou've stuck with it for a while
, you know that it's really notworking, then you need to adjust
it.
And here's the other thing Somepunishments and consequences are
(07:50):
appropriate for age-appropriatesituations.
So you might do something for achild who's in elementary
school three, four, five, sixyears old but by the time
they're seven, eight, nine yearsold.
That's not going to workanymore and we're going to have
to make a change.
And that's okay.
We can make that change.
Just that change may be basedon their age.
Most likely it's based on theirdevelopmental stage, which is
(08:14):
not always based on their agewith special needs children and
you as a parent know that.
So punishment is not effectivefor learning.
It teaches us to hide behavior.
Behavior modification is for allsettings.
The benefits of changing ourbehavior in all settings creates
us to have, in a sense, a heartchange.
(08:36):
We change the way we think andfeel about how we're going to
react to the situation.
And when we have children thatstruggle with emotions and
behavior and struggle withunderstanding it, struggle with
communicating, then it's goingto take longer to learn it.
So you're on a bumpy, long road, mom and dad.
I'm on it with you and we cando this.
(08:58):
We just have to stick with itand be willing to say that's
okay, now this.
So reinforcement.
I want to start withreinforcement.
Reinforcement is key tobehavior modification.
So how do you reinforce yourchild's behaviors?
So when I say reinforcement, Idon't always mean something
positive.
(09:19):
For example, a child picks up athrow.
A child picks up a toy andthrows the toy.
You pick, not pick up, but youtake your child.
You place your hands on themgently and lovingly, but you
guide them over.
We're going to pick up the toy.
What happens is the child picksup the toy and throws it again.
(09:39):
You guide them over.
They pick up the toy, theythrow it again.
The child picks up the toy andthrows it again.
You guide them over.
They pick up the toy, theythrow it again.
Maybe your hands on the childand the guiding is actually a
reinforcement for them.
You think you're physicallyhelping and maybe they wanted
the physical contact.
Maybe the pressure on theshoulder is soothing and they're
having an overstimulationmoment.
(10:00):
Something about that isn'tworking, something about that is
reinforcing.
So when we talk aboutreinforcing behaviors, we have
to find what it is that's goingto get our child to say I didn't
like that, I'm going to dosomething different.
Or I really liked that.
I'm going to do it again.
So reinforcement comes in thosetwo pieces.
(10:22):
So key is that if we've so forexample the therapist if we have
reinforced something, maybe twoor three times before, we
realized, ooh, that actuallyreinforced the wrong behavior.
Here's the hard part we now aregoing to have 10 times more of
(10:43):
a challenge of reversing that.
So behavior is learned, behavioris learned by the responses we
get from the outside world andwithin ourselves, and so if
we've learned something feelsgood, if we've learned something
gets the response we want asparents, it's going to take 10
(11:03):
times more of an effort andtrials to unlearn or to, as we
would say, recondition thatbehavior.
So as we look at that 10 timesmore, first of all, the first
couple of times you change yourreinforcement, your child's
going to be confused becausethey're expecting what you've
(11:24):
done, that reinforced the badbehavior in a sense.
So it's going to cause someconfusion which, by the way, for
children, especially whenthey're younger or struggle with
communicating, means that thebehavior is going to probably
get worse.
So if your child mom, mom, mom,and they're smacking your leg,
mom, mom, mom, mom, and they'resmacking your leg, mom, mom, mom
(11:44):
, mom, and you turn and say I'mnot talking to you until you
stop hitting me.
You just talked to them.
That's the hard part, oh dang,but I was trying to explain it
to them.
It's our actions and our wordsthat get our children to have
that reinforcement.
(12:05):
So if that child wanted yourattention and you gave them your
attention to tell them how youweren't going to give them your
attention, you just gave themyour attention.
So now that smacking and thatmom, mom, mom might get louder
and harder when you change yourreinforcement.
That's actually typical.
That's a child finding theirboundaries.
Hey guys, when children arepushing boundaries, this is a
(12:29):
good sign that they're children.
This is what children aresupposed to do.
They're supposed to find wherethe bumpers are that they can
drive between for life.
They are supposed to find thoseboundaries.
So when they push, push, pushharder and harder on the
boundaries, that's becausethey're learning something.
So you just have to stick withit.
So, for example, mom, mom, mom,mom, mom, and instead of turning
(12:50):
and saying something to yourchild, turn and walk away and as
they chase you or as they fallon the floor crying and there's
so many different responses wecould have you're going to just
keep your attention away.
Then if there is something thatchanges again because again it
could escalate because you'veresponded to it it could
(13:11):
escalate before it actually getsbetter.
That's totally natural andnormal.
You got to stick with it if youknow that that's the right
thing to do.
So reinforcement is key.
But remember, if you'vereinforced something
accidentally we all do it byaccident then the other thing
that you need to do is recognizeit's probably going to take 10
times longer to change thatbehavior and you're just going
(13:34):
to have to stick with it.
So, positive versus negativereinforcement Positive
reinforcement doesn't mean thatit's good.
It just means you addedsomething, so you gave attention
, you gave a treat.
Negative reinforcement meansyou withheld something, you took
away something from them.
So when you hear people talkabout positive versus negative
(13:55):
reinforcement, they're talkingabout what you add or take away,
not if it was actually good orbad.
That's not what that means.
So if I use that or if you hearthat used just kind of know
that going forward.
So step one is to learn how yourchild's condition may impact
discipline.
So if your child has a learningdisability or a behavioral
disability, even just ADHD, it'sgood to do a little bit of
(14:19):
research to figure out how yourchild's cognitive abilities,
focus abilities, developmentalabilities may impact discipline.
Your community of people thatare with you are going to be key
in that.
So your community of people,sensory situations so if you are
in a community with autism, youmight want to talk about
(14:39):
sensory situations that aregoing to impact discipline.
We're not going if a child isoverwhelmed and curled up crying
in a corner, we're not going toimpact discipline.
We're not going.
If a child is overwhelmed andcurled up crying in a corner,
we're not going to punish thatbehavior out of them.
That's just not going to happen.
You're not going to consequencethat out of them.
But you can bribe a lot oftimes to get to do something
else or distract the brain byplaying a game and get to do
(15:01):
something else.
So find out by connecting withyour community if there is
anything other parents havefound successful.
Other parents are a greatresource for that.
The place that a child may learntheir ability to understand the
gravity of their actions can bein a sense impacted by their
(15:21):
cognitive ability, their medicalabilities, by their cognitive
ability, their medical abilitiesand some psychological factors.
So keep in mind that if yourchild's learning ability is
actually a brain processingdisorder.
That's going to impact the waythat you work with them.
So if they have a brainprocessing disorder and they're
neurologically not able toprocess things in the same way,
(15:42):
you might have to start gettingcreative.
And that's where I would talkwith occupational therapists,
psychologists, school counselorsto get some strategies that are
specific to your child, forpeople that know your child or
know your child's disability.
Next one is consistency.
Didn't I just say a lot oftrial and error?
(16:03):
How does that work withconsistency?
Fair question Consistency Italked about in part one before
this with my lovely husband.
There was a lot of trial anderror, but when we made changes
we stuck with them for a whileand then, if we were going to
make a change, we all the entireteam, the hab and respite
(16:23):
provider, the occupationaltherapist, whoever was a part of
our team all got on.
The entire team, the hab andrespite provider, the
occupational therapist, whoeverwas a part of our team all got
on the same page before thechange happened and then we knew
and we all understood how wewere going to make the change.
So consistency, not only fortime, but consistency for all
the people that are involved.
Consistency might even meantagging in a sibling, okay.
So when your sibling does thefollowing, this is what you need
(16:46):
to do, because siblings are oursecret warriors in this.
In the struggles that we havewith our special needs kids, our
siblings sometimes getoverlooked, and this is a hard
road for them too.
I have a podcast on siblingsand special needs of special
needs children, so please go tospecialparentorg and check that
(17:07):
out.
They can be part of this withyou.
They can learn strategies.
They can learn the importanceof consistency.
So timing habits routine.
It can take weeks, it can takemonths and it takes the team.
So if you decide to make achange, make sure your whole
team is on that change Timing.
What does that mean?
I would say if you're going totry something, if you decide to
(17:27):
make a change, make sure yourwhole team is on that change
Timing.
What does that mean?
I would say if you're going totry something, you need to give
it at least two weeks, and byleast meaning that's the minimum
.
If you think about the generalrule of how long it takes to
create a habit, you're almost atlike a month of something about
20 consistent days in a row ofdoing something.
That's to create a habit for aneurotypical individual.
So at least two weeks, I wouldsay up to a month, unless you
(17:51):
know you're having such a strongreaction within the first two
weeks that it's absolutely notworking.
So try a new disciplinestrategy as a team for a good
amount of time before you decideif it's worked or hasn't worked
.
For a good amount of time beforeyou decide if it's worked or
hasn't worked, should you letyour child know the goal Maybe?
(18:16):
So it kind of depends.
I would say in a lot of cases,yes, if your child is of the
developmental age or ability tounderstand, you can simply say
okay, we don't like the way youthrow when you're angry, so
we're going to work on notthrowing when you're angry.
We're going to give you otherthings to do, letting your child
(18:38):
know that.
Saying to your child we noticethat you struggle to get up in
the morning and that's not goingto be good for you as you
become an adult.
We're going to help you withstrategies to motivate you to
get up in the morning.
So whatever it is that the goalis that you're working on.
(18:59):
You know it's not acceptable tohit your sister, so we're going
to do this plan because youneed to stop hitting your sister
.
That's not healthy for you orher, those kinds of things.
So, yes, I would let your childknow the goal, if your child is
, of the ability to understandthe goal and work with it, okay.
(19:23):
So get everyone on the samepage, including your child.
All right, rewards and naturalconsequences.
Rewards add attention fordesired behavior as much as
possible.
Ignore, ignore, ignore behavioryou don't want.
So the child, the mom, mom, momsmacking your leg, ignore it.
Don't talk to them.
(19:43):
Don't tell them that you're notgoing to talk to them.
Don't swat their hand away.
Don't tell them, stop it.
All of that's exactly what theywanted.
They wanted your attention.
So we're not going to do that.
We're going to ignore badbehavior.
Your child picks up and throws atoy and then they look at you.
Guess what?
(20:03):
They wanted you to react.
If it's a safe environment,don't react.
Now, if you see your child walkover and pick up the toy, try
to be real good at your timing.
Maybe they're going to pick itup to throw it again, but they
pick it up before they throw ityou go.
Oh, thank you so much forpicking up your toy.
Why don't you come have a treat.
Why don't you have a french fry?
Why don't you go over and givethem a thank you so much for
(20:25):
picking up your toy?
Mommy's hugs or the squeeze onthe shoulder or whatever is a
reward to your child.
You know your child best.
Try to catch them before theythrow it, because they picked it
up again, maybe to do somethingnefarious with it, but you're
going to.
Oh yay, so that right there,that is the reward.
The reward might be yourattention.
(20:46):
The reward might be somethingtangible, whatever it is.
By the way, you can buy a lotof little tangible fidgets on
Amazon for pretty cheap if youneed something small to just
reward your child with.
We use them in the classroomsall the time.
But a reward is an addedattention for a desired behavior
.
You have to catch them beinggood and you have to praise that
(21:08):
and love that.
Consequences, on the other hand, relate to the behavior.
A child is throwing food, so youtake the plate away.
Some people are like but mychild is underweight and doesn't
eat enough.
Yes, you're right, but maybeyou're just going to give them
the one french fry at a time, sothey throw it and you go.
Oh, I guess you're not thathungry.
Sometimes we have to pick.
(21:30):
Our battle Is the battle?
Are they ever going to finishthe meal if they keep throwing
it off the plate?
Because if our goal is to getthem to finish the meal, then we
need to stop them from throwingit off the plate first.
So we have to sometimes knowwhich battle to pick and why
we're picking it in the moment.
So if they're going to throwfood, take the food away.
(21:54):
If they're going to, we'vetalked about throwing a toy.
But if let's say that they'regoing to scream every time they
want your attention and you'rein a store and they scream and
you're thinking I can ignorethese poor people in all this
store, well, maybe, depending onthe situation, you can, or
maybe you're not givingattention to the child.
You actually wheel them to thedoor, lift them out.
(22:16):
You're not talking to them,you're not making eye contact.
You just get in the car and yougo home without any and they
scream all the way and theyscream, and they scream and you
get home and there you continueto ignore until they stop
screaming.
And then you can say and ifthey look at you and they stop
screaming, it's like I reallylike when we make eye contact
quietly.
Is there something you wantedto talk about?
Or give them a big hug at thatpoint?
(22:39):
Again, it all isdevelopmentally based on where
your child is, but the reward isgiven for desired behavior.
The consequence is somethingthat we initially want to take
away for the undesired behavior.
And yes, a lot of timesespecially once I hit
teenagehood we take away theirelectronics because that is
(23:02):
sometimes the best avenue wehave.
They get bored.
In fact, I had my child tell methe other day because he had
his electronics taken away.
Mom, I'm bored and I said thatis fabulous.
He looked at me like I wascrazy and I actually said let me
read you this.
And I pulled up a littlearticle.
I didn't read the whole articleto him, but basically it said
boredom is so healthy for thebrain.
It's when we, as Americans,used to be incredibly innovative
(23:27):
.
Guess what your children willbe more innovative when they're
bored.
Incredibly innovative, guesswhat your children will be more
innovative when they're bored.
So keep that in mind.
We want to give attention fordesired behavior.
We want to pull back forundesired behavior.
Introverts and children withautism may find a timeout
rewarding.
Keep that in mind, because ifyou provide a timeout for your
(23:49):
child and that was a reward forthe behavior.
Now you've just made them goevery time.
I need to get a break fromeverybody in this house.
I'm just going to do this and Igot myself a break.
So you have to know your child.
You have to know if they're anintrovert and the timeout is
rewarding not that you're goingto stick them in a room and
scream at them, because that'snot the desired thing either,
(24:11):
but you need to find anotherconsequence or another way to
reward them.
Maybe you use the timeout as areward.
You get five minutes alone withyour earbuds in, or you're
going to have five minutes ofquiet time watching your
favorite TV show, or whatever itis.
Clear and simple messages.
So again, developmentally, thisis important.
(24:33):
We want to be clear with whatwe're doing and what we're
expecting from them.
They don't need to have a fulldiscussion about discipline.
They're going to get the pointby your actions.
If your actions are on point,they're getting the point.
That was funny.
The point by your actions.
If your actions are on point,they're getting the point.
That was funny.
(24:57):
So keep your expectationssimple.
If that means you have to usepictures for our children that
are not so good with verbal.
Yet go ahead and print off somepictures that explain exactly
what you want.
Use videos, role play things,use gestures.
Repetition of our simplemessages is going to get the
point across Again simple, short, sweet, to the point, and that
has to be for all caregivers,like I said.
(25:18):
So if you're going to use asimple message to convey
something, make sure allcaregivers are using that same
simple message Okay Routinesavoid meltdown.
If behaviors consistently happenat the same time with the same
people or in the same activities, we have a trigger.
So we need to reduce thetrigger unless it's anxiety
(25:40):
causing.
Look at my anxiety episodes onhow we want to be careful with
feeding anxiety.
We want to reduce the triggeror we can add a break, a rest, a
snack, a song, something toreduce it.
So if we know like okayroutines, avoid meltdowns.
If we know that if we do this,this and this, and now the child
is tired and they need a break,we need to make sure that part
(26:03):
of our routine is a break beforewe start whatever is going to
come next.
If we make breaks a part of theroutine, that is a healthy life
skill we're teaching our child.
It is very hard for any of us,even in an eight-hour workday,
to legit work eight hourswithout needing a brain break, a
lunch break, a snack break.
(26:24):
That's why people walk to thewater cooler, as we used to call
it.
That's why people go to thesnack bar or go grab a coffee or
grab a soda.
They're really just taking abrain break.
We didn't really need thecoffee or soda, or maybe we did,
but it's the brain break andyour child needs that too.
All children do, even highschool kids.
(26:46):
So, if you'll notice, passingperiods between classes really
should be an opportunity for abrain break, because eight hours
of just constant learning allday is exhausting.
That brain has worked itslittle patootie off.
So we want to make sure that weteach our children the healthy
skill of brain breaks, notprocrastination, but brain
(27:09):
breaks.
So if we are noticing they meltdown at a certain time or a
certain place or anything else,we need to teach them how to
take a break before they take ameltdown.
So here's the key thing Once weknow what reinforces our child,
we can exploit that.
Sorry, that was my little laughthere.
Once we know what reinforcesour child, we can exploit what
(27:31):
reinforces our child.
We can make that work for us.
Ask yourself what motivatesyour child, what are they
willing to work for?
And make it work for you.
All right, folks, to wrap up,today, the key is believe in
your child's ability to learn isbelieve in your child's ability
(27:54):
to learn.
Believe in their ability tofind the bumpers and know the
boundaries for their life.
Believe in your abilities totrain your child.
It's okay to have trial anderror, just like you're going to
teach them.
Sometimes things aren't goingto go right.
It's going to be okay for you,too, and that's a great modeling
opportunity.
It's going to be okay for you,too, and that's a great modeling
opportunity.
It's exhausting.
(28:19):
There's good days, there's baddays, but don't give up.
Focus on the wins.
In fact, I say create a winsjar.
Have a cup or a jar on thecounter or a basket or something
, and every time you have a win,write it down.
And when you need to rememberthat there was a win, go to that
jar and pull it out and be likeoh, that's right, we had that
good day, woo.
Create a win jar.
Write them down, take care ofyourself.
Build your tank up, becausethis is special needs parenting.
(28:40):
This is love, and you've gotthis.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
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