September 23, 2024 • 26 mins
Can disciplining your special needs child strengthen or strain your marriage? Join Brian and me, as we share practical insights and heartwarming stories on the Special Parent Podcast. Hear how we navigate the often challenging waters of setting consistent expectations for our children, both with and without disabilities. We promise you'll come away with new strategies for training behavior positively and managing your reactions to those tricky negative actions.
Discover the keys to promoting responsibility and independence in your children without the pressure of striving for perfection. We dig into the importance of modeling accountability and the power of giving your child choices to foster a sense of autonomy. Listen as we share relatable anecdotes, like handling cell phone etiquette during family conversations, to illustrate the real-world application of effective parenting strategies.
Finally, we tackle the complex issue of behavior modification, especially in the context of modern technology. Learn from our personal experiences with our oldest son on the spectrum and the delicate balance of allowing responsible phone use. Consistency is crucial, but so is patience and adaptation, and we discuss how to keep all caregivers on the same page. We close the episode with heartfelt gratitude to our listeners and supporters, underscoring how your involvement makes the Special Parent Podcast a beacon of support for parents everywhere.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Hi everyone.
(00:43):
Welcome back to the SpecialParent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and Ihave a special guest with me
here today my husband and daddyBrian.
How are you doing so?
We're here today to talk to youabout those moments when you
say what the heck do I do withthis behavior my child just
chose and this can be the reasondad is here is.
(01:03):
This can be one of those hugecontentions in marriage is how
do I discipline, how do I handlea behavior?
What am I going to do about?
And that can be something thatcan really weigh on a marriage,
and that's why I wanted to makesure to kind of have a
conversation with us about whatare some things that we've done,
and then also what are somethings that we can suggest for
then also what are some thingsthat we can suggest for you guys
(01:25):
.
This is going to be a three-partepisode.
The next two will be audio only, just so you know.
One of the things we're goingto talk about, though, is first,
I'm going to talk a little bitabout when we know our child
struggles with understanding.
How do we discipline when weknow understanding is a struggle
?
So that's one of the things Iwanted to talk about first.
We know understanding is astruggle, so that's one of the
(01:47):
things I wanted to talk aboutfirst.
The reality is, when specialneeds kids are born and we start
recognizing that there'sproblems, we, as parents,
already jump in, knowing there'sgoing to be special
circumstances, they're going tohave challenges and at times
that can make us go well.
If we know that they're alreadystruggling and challenging, how
can I discipline my child, youknow, is it fair to punish them
(02:07):
for certain behaviors when Iknow they're struggling their
own?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
And then, in our case , with two other boys at home in
the context of how wediscipline our other boys who
don't struggle with thesedisabilities.
How do we manage that dynamicas well?
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Yes, well, mom and dad and I'm sure anybody with
siblings gets this you letso-and-so do such and such, do
you set the bar differently ordo you not?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
And I, you know my inclination is to is to.
He's got to function in thereal world, and so I I tend to
try not to set a different bar,but then there are times where I
just I just feel like I have toset a different bar.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
But then there are times where I just I just feel
like I have to set a differentbar and I think we all struggle
with that for sure.
And so one of the things isit's key for children Discipline
is to train behavior.
It's not about punishment.
It's not about anything otherthan making the child start to
understand oh, there arelimitations to how I can behave
and function in the world,Because we know that our
behavior in our workplace, insocial atmospheres, et cetera,
is going to dictate our socialgroups.
(03:14):
It's going to dictate oursuccess.
So when we as parents start todiscipline, we have to have a
goal, and our goal has to betraining behavior.
Our goal is not punishment.
Our goal is not to makesomebody else in the store feel
okay that we punished our kid,because that sometimes comes up.
You know you're embarrassed andeverything else.
You want to feel like you haveto look like you're a good
(03:35):
parent.
The goal really is training thebehavior of the child, not
worrying about the rest of theworld's reaction to it.
So first things first.
I want you to know I've got alot of resources on
specialparentorg specificallyabout this topic because I did
some research with children thatstruggle with understanding and
(03:55):
children that are slower in thelearning departments.
How can we really help guidebehavior?
And there are some keyprinciples that work for all
children, especially childrenwith those.
So key principle number onepraise the good and do your best
to ignore the bad.
(04:15):
That's hard, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Almost impossible sometimes.
I mean and it's by no meansunique to a unique challenge to
parents of kids withdisabilities.
You know, trying to, the keythere is seeing it through from
their perspective or theircapability, versus what you know
about how the world works orhow a behavior should how you
should behave in a givensituation.
And that's, but it iscompounded with kids of
(04:42):
disabilities.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
It is because any attention we give our child is
attention.
Yeah, so if your child issitting there going mom, mom,
mom, and you turn around and go,mom's not going to talk to you
until you stop hitting her, butyou just did, you just talked to
your child, you know.
So it's that struggle betweenwhen do we do it too, when do we
?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
discipline.
It's so hard.
Like cause I on one hand.
I feel like you have to showthem what kind of a real world
reaction they might get, likethere is going to be negative
reaction negative reinforcementout there where it's like oh wow
, they're really pissed off thatI did that or said that, or
acted that way.
So how do you, as a parent,balance positive reinforcement
(05:26):
which I believe is really thebest way to get them to outgrow
bad behaviors and to grow up tobe good, functioning members of
our community is positivereinforcement.
So a lot of it, I guess, comesdown to our own awareness of
when we're being that negativeor being or getting angry Right,
(05:47):
and our awareness of theirfault.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Our awareness of the positive moments.
How many times do things?
Things are going well and allwe think is okay, don't say
anything, it's going good rightnow.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Don't jinx it.
So I think sometimes we almostdon't recognize the positive
because we're so happy it'sgoing well.
We just want to enjoy themoment, and so our attention is
required sometimes when it'snegative and therefore that
creates a problem.
So one of the tips that theytalked about in my research was,
when it's safe and possible, ifyour child is behaving a
(06:24):
certain way, leave the room orjust turn your back.
Simply the action of turningyour back you stay in the room.
You know those kinds of thingsturning your back and then
counting to 30 and acting likeyou're completely distracted by
something else.
If they are doing thatattention to get your behavior,
they might escalate it.
(06:44):
They might say, all right, well, let's try a little harder then
.
But if they're safe and you'reable to turn your back and wait
for them to sometimes just getdistracted by something else,
okay, that didn't get what Iwanted.
Move on to the next topic orchange the behavior.
So now they're going to changethe behavior because that one
didn't work.
So one of the things they saidis if you can leave the room,
(07:06):
great.
If you can't leave the room,again, safety is priority.
Turn your back, try to justgive that.
Close your eyes, don't givethem that direct attention for
whatever that behavior is, andwait for the behavior to change,
as long as safety stays the keything, long as safety stays the
(07:26):
key thing.
I remember we used to havechecklists for the kids when
they were younger and they wouldbe able to, you know, caught
being good, and so it was kindof like a star chart, you know,
or something, but ours was achecklist and they would caught
being good, caught being good.
So that helped me and the kids,because the kids would walk up
mom, did you see that that couldget me a token, or you know?
And so that was one way toreinforce positive behavior.
(07:47):
And then I do remember wetaught our kids put your hand on
me.
So I'm talking to an adult.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And they do that to this day.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
To this day.
My 17-year-old just did thatyesterday.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
You need my attention and I am in a conversation with
somebody else.
Put your hand on my shoulder.
I absolutely know that you needmy attention, and so two things
will happen.
I'm going to to speed alongwhatever conversation I'm or not
speed along.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Or recognize a natural pause.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
I'm going to find a natural pause to then come to
you and all things you knowdelayed gratification, you know,
yeah, yeah, it teaches patience.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Right, we got to teach patience.
I put my hand, so a lot oftimes it's on my shoulder.
Um, I'll put my hand on theshoulder, so on top of theirs.
They put their hand, I put myhand, and then that lets them
know I recognize you're here.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Touch them back.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
And sometimes, especially as they've, the wait
time has been extended andgotten longer.
Or there are other times I'vebeen like I really do need to
finish this.
Can you go write down what youwant to tell me?
You know if they can write, orsomething like that, and that's
kind of helped too.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I think that that one , this one little thing that
we've done with them I I'm sureof it has helped them with their
patients generally speaking,with other people and not just
trying to break in the room orin the event matter and I need
to wait my turn.
(09:12):
I think it's probably gone along way for that.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Yeah, I bet you're right.
It's helped in that way too.
I didn't think of that.
All right, tip number two.
Tip number two determine whythe behavior is happening.
A lot of times when we havebehaviors, especially if they're
more on the extreme scale, wereact as parents Whoa, stop,
what are you doing?
And that reaction in and ofitself is the attention.
If we can take a deep breath,maybe not turn our backs we have
(09:36):
to maintain the safety.
But even if we can take a deepbreath and just take for
ourselves the one who's stillnot in their emotional brain and
think for 30 seconds, why didmy kid do that?
So for an example two, I'm justgoing to say siblings, because
we have boys.
Two siblings are playingtogether and all of a sudden we
see one hit the other, which isvery typical for boys.
(09:58):
One hit the other instead ofgoing oh we don't hit, shame on
you.
We take 30 seconds and weanalyze the situation.
Why did the hit happen?
Okay, so now we're going to goover and maybe even have a
little bit of a conversation, ormaybe we know why the hit
happened and we can say hey, Iunderstand, you're really mad
(10:18):
that your brother just took thetoy you were playing with, but
we don't hit.
So let's practice what we doinstead.
So that's kind of.
The key thing is, if we canunderstand why their behavior
happened, we can help them learna more productive way to deal
with it.
And then practice.
I'm a big person I guess it'sbecause I'm a counselor I'm a
big person in practice.
All right, we're going topractice it.
(10:39):
You're going to be playing withthe toy.
Okay, brother, take the toy.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah, I mean practice is that's in all.
We should be practicing in allfacets of our life.
I mean in work practice, howyou will relate to customers in
given circumstances.
I mean to me that's an idealactivity for any kid growing up,
but especially certain childrenwith disabilities who might
have cognitive deficiencies orautism if they're on the
(11:07):
spectrum and they struggle withunderstanding people's body
language and things like that.
I mean practicing candefinitely help them to
recognize as they grow older andmanage themselves in situations
a lot better, I think.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah for sure.
And it's not always a good timeto practice.
So the example I gave was thatperfect scenario when you could
now sit down and have thepractice time.
But that's not always going tobe the way it is.
So sometimes we have to saynope, we're not going to do that
and we have to remember, asparents, to come back to it
later and talk about it andstill practice.
So we can practice the how do Ireact when my sibling takes the
(11:47):
toy.
But then we can practice withthe other sibling asking for the
toy and the whole thing.
So it can become a big ordealwith that, which means sometimes
we don't have time, but we haveto remember to come back to it
and at least readdress it withthe kids, all right.
So tip number three we asparents have to model the
appropriate behaviors we expectourselves, which isn't easy
sometimes.
(12:07):
My son said to me that, mom,I've seen you lose your mind
sometimes and yell at us.
And I'm like, yes, I have.
And yet I tell them don't yellat your sibling and I've yelled
myself.
So when we get confused, whenwe get bothered, when we get
flustered, the best thing for usto do is work on our emotional
(12:27):
control, model it for ourselvesor, if we don't do a good job,
back around and address it withour kids you know you saw mom,
dad, lose their temper, thatwasn't good of me to do and and
then kind of process it withthem.
And even with kids that have ahard time understanding, they
can understand a lot of timeswhen you say I'm sorry that I
(12:50):
yelled at you or I'm sorry Iraised my voice and I know that
was probably scary for you,those kinds of things.
So modeling the behaviorourselves can be a challenge,
well and along.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
what goes along with that is modeling responsibility
and and taking responsibilityfor times where you were
absolutely not at your best,which we all are, as parents.
Nobody is is immune to thesetype of these type of situations
where you kind of not at yourbest, which we all are as
parents.
Nobody is immune to these typeof situations, where you kind of
lose your cool a little bit andyou get a little angry, and
that kind of thing.
I mean, one of the things I'mtrying to teach our boys is to
(13:23):
take responsibility for whenthey are adults or when they
become parents.
Your kids need to see you takeresponsibility for when you mess
up, because they need to knowyou're not perfect, right that
they don't need to be.
You know they don't need to be.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
They don't need to be perfect either.
Perfect humans.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
We all need to be working to improve ourselves,
but taking responsibility is ahuge part of personal
development.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Absolutely.
The next tip is give choiceswhen you can.
Now, we can't always givechoices, but if we start giving
choices, what we teach isindependence.
We teach independence.
So in the example it says atime-directed request.
So there's two different waysto use countdown.
One is effective for disciplineand one is not.
(14:07):
So, for example, if you say,hey, bedtime is in five minutes,
all right, everyone bedtime'sin three minutes, bedtime's in
one minute, start your musicalcountdown.
That's an effective way becauseit's giving them a heads up
that something is coming, andespecially with ADHD kids, that
five minutes, 10 minutes, twominutes probably felt the same
(14:28):
to them every single time.
So for them, they need thatcountdown.
It's really good for them.
In fact, sometimes I need itfor myself.
Oh, look at that.
I have a friend who says thatshe has a music playlist.
That's exactly the amount oftime it takes her to get ready
in the morning and she hits thatplaylist.
So she tracks her time.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
I find that time blindness can can be a problem
when it comes to I totally thosecountdowns I've used.
We use all the time but therehave been plenty of times,
especially with our youngest one, where 20 minutes and then 10
minutes and then it's like hedidn't even hear the 10 minute
one.
Then I come in and say fiveminutes and he goes wait a
(15:06):
minute, you just said 20 minutes, I did 15 minutes ago.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So the countdowns can be beneficial, but it does help
teach independence.
When it's not effective, though, is when you say I asked you to
go pick up that toy.
You need to go pick it up forthree.
You're counting for compliance.
You're giving them power, andwe don't want to do that.
We want to really work on thefact that it's like I've asked
you.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
That's interesting because that's a power.
As a parent, we've all donethat.
It feels like a power move forus.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
But you're saying it has the opposite effect.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
It has the opposite effect.
It gives them power.
Oh, I have five seconds, I candelay this, I don't have to pick
it five more seconds.
And kids are mastermanipulators because that is
what they are built to do.
They are built to find thelimits that are set for them,
and if the limit is, I can waitfive more seconds to pick up
that toy and comply.
Well, I've already gotten awaywith not doing it the first time
(16:03):
.
Now they're counting down, Iget away with it a little bit
longer.
So it gives them kind of thatpower, and we want to teach them
independence.
But we don't want to teach thempower.
We want to also teachcompliance, because your boss is
going to expect compliance oryou're not going to be hired.
One of the other ones, too, wasgiving them kind of that
(16:25):
countdown, as in the option ofsaying hey, I need you to go put
your laundry away or I need youto pick up the toys.
Do you want to stop right nowand do that?
But I see you're in a game.
Would you rather finish thisround?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
See, I like that because that also demonstrates
respect for them, and kids needto be respected, also by their
parents.
Kids are their own person and Ithink it's important for them
to also feel a sense of respect.
So if that's you respectingtheir boundary, which is a good
thing, that's not a bad thing.
Right, kids need to have theirown boundaries.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Exactly, they really do.
They really do and when theyfeel that, I think they feel, oh
, I have a choice right now.
It gives them the right powerand control.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Positive empowering, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
And so I think that that's a key factor that we want
to work in with children isunderstanding when it's
appropriate to have choices andwhen it's appropriate to just
comply.
Yep, so all right Consequencesmust relate to behavior.
So, for example, every perfectconsequence loses its
effectiveness if it doesn'tactually challenge or change the
(17:37):
behavior that you're lookingfor.
And you had a great one withour youngest and the cell phones
recently.
You were noticing that well, Imean, they all walk around like
this nowadays.
In fact, half of the adults doso.
Everyone has a cell phone.
It's a mini computer in ourhands.
We function every day with it.
It's communication.
(17:57):
There's nothing evil in andabout the cell phone itself, but
especially with young children,it's become such a distraction
device that you go okay, theconsequences that I said
something to you.
You didn't want to beinterrupted on your cell phone,
so you were.
They kind of become thismonster that comes out and it's
like wait, hold on a minute,what happened?
(18:17):
So you talked to our son alittle bit about putting your
cell phone down for conversationtimes.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Right, right, but it was um.
So we we went out to tobreakfast together and we were
sitting there and he was on hisphone and I was not on my phone
and I just sort of nudged himand I said so you know, tell me,
um, you know what, what are yougoing to do for the rest of
today, after breakfast today?
And and he puts his phone downand um, and he starts telling me
(18:44):
, you know what what his day isgoing to be like.
And then and then he met.
He goes to pick up his phoneand I go, I go, I'm keeping my
phone over there so I can talkto you, and he and he, without
telling him directly to do it,he did that.
He pushed his phone away andfor the next like 45 minutes
that we were there at the table,he did not touch his phone.
It was amazing and it wasawesome.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Yeah, that is amazing 45 minutes of not touching
their phone 45 minutes.
Usually that's the consequenceI was monitoring.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
This was like a social experiment.
I was like what's going on here?
I've been to lean into this.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Let's admit it, we all do social experiments with
our children.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
But not every kid's Again.
Kids are all pretty muchaddicted to their phones, right?
It's very difficult, and whenwe know they?
Speaker 1 (19:27):
love something like a phone.
Typically that's theconsequence.
Let's take away the thing thatthey like.
But if it's not related to thebehavior, it's not helpful.
So, for example, I noticed thatone night we heard noise coming
from our son's bedroom and Iwas like I think he's, I think
he has phone in there.
I think he took his phone in.
So it was like it's funny.
(19:49):
I said call him.
He answered his phone.
We're like mm-mm.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Yes, what dad.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
So the next day it was.
I want you to be responsiblewith your cellular device,
because it's going to be withyou the rest of your life, so
you need to learn somelimitations, let's clarify real
quick.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
So this is our oldest and we do have a standing rule
that phones aren't allowed to bein the room, but we did make an
exception for our oldestbecause he was demonstrating
responsibility.
He was to the best that wecould.
We could you know track, but hewas using it for music at night
.
He really needed it.
Um, we tried the Google speakerthing, but for some reason it
(20:29):
didn't work out he does.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
When I wake him up in the morning, the music's
playing.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Our oldest is on the spectrum and he'll put the same
song on and it'll just loop thewhole night.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
It would drive me insane For him that's comforting
.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
I just wanted to clarify.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
We had the talk the next day.
I said you've earned theprivilege of having your phone
in there at night because you'vedemonstrated responsibility.
Last, of having your phone inthere at night because you've
demonstrated responsibility, andlast night we caught you not
being responsible.
Yeah, so this is your onlywarning.
The consequence will be youwant to have your phone in your
room again.
We haven't heard a peep since.
Yeah, and he's been fallingasleep at a regular time.
(21:04):
Excuse me, and I do peek inthere sometimes to Chuck and
he's making sure to wake up.
He's not having troublesleeping during the day or
anything else like that.
So it seems to be.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
I know what some of our listeners are saying right
now.
Well, he probably has earbudsin or something like that, but
we've, we check on that, and hedoesn't wear those to bed.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
He actually has earned that responsible
privilege but it's taken time.
In fact, our middle son willask us why does, why does you
know older brother get to dothis?
And I've had to say becausehe's demonstrated responsibility
.
And I know you're still workingon that responsibility.
And that's been a good behaviormodification conversation,
(21:43):
because it's not anyone doinganything wrong.
It's answering the question asto why is someone getting a
privilege?
I don't get.
Well, because they'vedemonstrated responsibility.
So I'm not even having to talkabout punishments, I'm getting
to talk about rewards, I'mgetting to talk about that and I
think that that's a greatopportunity.
So if we see, if you don't havesiblings for your kids, if you
see people out in the world youknow, oh well, they get to have
(22:07):
this job or do this privilegebecause they've demonstrated
responsibility.
Driving is one of them.
You have to earn the privilegeto drive and it's more than just
a license.
It's the responsible driverbehind the wheel, all the parts
of driving.
So, yeah, so that's I kind ofsidetracked, I'm sorry, sorry
about that.
Consequences relate to behavior.
(22:29):
So if they're refusing to dosomething and we consequence
just because they like to dosomething else, sometimes that
helps, but then sometimes itwill not.
And key thing to learn is didthe consequence change the
behavior?
If the consequence did notchange the behavior, then it
wasn't the right consequence andyou're going to have that
(22:50):
happen.
I know we've had that happen.
And so you just you move on andnext time you try the next
thing, or you try what you hopewill work again.
So it it don't worry if yourconsequence doesn't work every
time, just kind of say, okay, Ilearned from that.
Now what am I going to try?
Different?
Speaker 2 (23:05):
next time Don't worry about it, but also recognize
that it might not be working andyou need to try something else.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Yes, all right.
Hardest part, last tipConsistency.
It really is hard, especiallywhen we know that our special
needs kids are slower learners.
A lot of times slower learningmeans it's going to take a lot
more time for them to learnsomething.
(23:32):
And you will see that childrentheir age have figured something
out and you're saying toyourself they still don't have
it.
And that can be absolutelyexhausting as a parent to go
okay, we're going to do thisagain, we're going to keep on
doing this.
And sometimes it makes youquestion is it working?
Sometimes it makes you questionis it working?
Sometimes it makes you questionis it working?
(23:54):
Do I need to do somethingdifferent?
Other times it just means Ijust have to keep sticking with
it, and that's such anindividual.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
And that is hard.
As a parent, you often questionyourself.
Everybody does.
Why is that not working?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
I usually think I'm a good dad, but this is
situations making me feel like Idon't know what the heck I'm
doing right um, oh yeah, butsticking with it, you know,
committing to it the the and ifyou have multiple caregivers in
the house, like if you're, ifyou're lucky enough to have have
and respite providers oroccupational therapists coming
into your home, that creates alot of consistency.
Yeah, you, you have to makesure everyone's on the same page
(24:34):
and we've had to have thoseconversations and I know we've
even talked about oh, that'sexhausting and luckily we have a
good relationship with our thecaregiver and so she's even come
to us and said so I noticed theway that you or Brian or
whoever did something and I hada thought about that and I
(24:54):
appreciate that about her,because that took some serious
guts.
She's in our house, these areour kids, but she really
honestly cared about theirdevelopment.
That's why she was giving thatsuggestion.
But I have to tell you itreally was like a punch in the
gut to have someone else kind ofcritiquing.
You know how it was handled, butat the same time it really was
like a punch in the gut to havesomeone else kind of critiquing
how it was handled, but at thesame time it got us on the same
(25:15):
page together further along andat the end of the day our kids
saw a team of people who havethe same expectations and
consistently are handling thingsthe same way.
And I think that that was reallykey.
That was my last one, soremember key things here.
That was my last one, soremember key things here.
When we talk about discipliningchildren, regardless of age and
(25:42):
abilities, anything andeverything we do, we are trying
to modify behavior so that theycan be more successful in social
groups, in work groups, ingeneral, so that they can just
have happier experiences withfamily together.
They can have happierexperiences with friends.
We want our children to learnbehavior modification for their
own benefit, so it's okay tokeep trying, it's okay to never
(26:02):
give up and it's absolutely 100%okay to say that didn't work
and I'm going to have to trysomething else.
Reach out through social mediagroups.
Reach out through any sort oflike autism group.
Utilize therapists, utilizecounselors and talk about
discipline strategies and beokay to say the old ways that
(26:24):
worked for someone or the waysthat worked for one child aren't
going to be the same foreverybody.
So and we know that can beexhausting If you need anything,
reach out SpecialParentorg.
We're here for you guys.
So thank you so much forlistening.
Have a great day.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
(26:47):
specialparentorg.
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Hi everyone.
(00:43):
Welcome back to the SpecialParent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and Ihave a special guest with me
here today my husband and daddyBrian.
How are you doing so?
We're here today to talk to youabout those moments when you
say what the heck do I do withthis behavior my child just
chose and this can be the reasondad is here is.
(01:03):
This can be one of those hugecontentions in marriage is how
do I discipline, how do I handlea behavior?
What am I going to do about?
And that can be something thatcan really weigh on a marriage,
and that's why I wanted to makesure to kind of have a
conversation with us about whatare some things that we've done,
and then also what are somethings that we can suggest for
then also what are some thingsthat we can suggest for you guys
(01:25):
.
This is going to be a three-partepisode.
The next two will be audio only, just so you know.
One of the things we're goingto talk about, though, is first,
I'm going to talk a little bitabout when we know our child
struggles with understanding.
How do we discipline when weknow understanding is a struggle
?
So that's one of the things Iwanted to talk about first.
We know understanding is astruggle, so that's one of the
(01:47):
things I wanted to talk aboutfirst.
The reality is, when specialneeds kids are born and we start
recognizing that there'sproblems, we, as parents,
already jump in, knowing there'sgoing to be special
circumstances, they're going tohave challenges and at times
that can make us go well.
If we know that they're alreadystruggling and challenging, how
can I discipline my child, youknow, is it fair to punish them
(02:07):
for certain behaviors when Iknow they're struggling their
own?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
And then, in our case , with two other boys at home in
the context of how wediscipline our other boys who
don't struggle with thesedisabilities.
How do we manage that dynamicas well?
Speaker 1 (02:24):
Yes, well, mom and dad and I'm sure anybody with
siblings gets this you letso-and-so do such and such, do
you set the bar differently ordo you not?
Speaker 2 (02:32):
And I, you know my inclination is to is to.
He's got to function in thereal world, and so I I tend to
try not to set a different bar,but then there are times where I
just I just feel like I have toset a different bar.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
But then there are times where I just I just feel
like I have to set a differentbar and I think we all struggle
with that for sure.
And so one of the things isit's key for children Discipline
is to train behavior.
It's not about punishment.
It's not about anything otherthan making the child start to
understand oh, there arelimitations to how I can behave
and function in the world,Because we know that our
behavior in our workplace, insocial atmospheres, et cetera,
is going to dictate our socialgroups.
(03:14):
It's going to dictate oursuccess.
So when we as parents start todiscipline, we have to have a
goal, and our goal has to betraining behavior.
Our goal is not punishment.
Our goal is not to makesomebody else in the store feel
okay that we punished our kid,because that sometimes comes up.
You know you're embarrassed andeverything else.
You want to feel like you haveto look like you're a good
(03:35):
parent.
The goal really is training thebehavior of the child, not
worrying about the rest of theworld's reaction to it.
So first things first.
I want you to know I've got alot of resources on
specialparentorg specificallyabout this topic because I did
some research with children thatstruggle with understanding and
(03:55):
children that are slower in thelearning departments.
How can we really help guidebehavior?
And there are some keyprinciples that work for all
children, especially childrenwith those.
So key principle number onepraise the good and do your best
to ignore the bad.
(04:15):
That's hard, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Almost impossible sometimes.
I mean and it's by no meansunique to a unique challenge to
parents of kids withdisabilities.
You know, trying to, the keythere is seeing it through from
their perspective or theircapability, versus what you know
about how the world works orhow a behavior should how you
should behave in a givensituation.
And that's, but it iscompounded with kids of
(04:42):
disabilities.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
It is because any attention we give our child is
attention.
Yeah, so if your child issitting there going mom, mom,
mom, and you turn around and go,mom's not going to talk to you
until you stop hitting her, butyou just did, you just talked to
your child, you know.
So it's that struggle betweenwhen do we do it too, when do we
?
Speaker 2 (05:03):
discipline.
It's so hard.
Like cause I on one hand.
I feel like you have to showthem what kind of a real world
reaction they might get, likethere is going to be negative
reaction negative reinforcementout there where it's like oh wow
, they're really pissed off thatI did that or said that, or
acted that way.
So how do you, as a parent,balance positive reinforcement
(05:26):
which I believe is really thebest way to get them to outgrow
bad behaviors and to grow up tobe good, functioning members of
our community is positivereinforcement.
So a lot of it, I guess, comesdown to our own awareness of
when we're being that negativeor being or getting angry Right,
(05:47):
and our awareness of theirfault.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Our awareness of the positive moments.
How many times do things?
Things are going well and allwe think is okay, don't say
anything, it's going good rightnow.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Don't jinx it.
So I think sometimes we almostdon't recognize the positive
because we're so happy it'sgoing well.
We just want to enjoy themoment, and so our attention is
required sometimes when it'snegative and therefore that
creates a problem.
So one of the tips that theytalked about in my research was,
when it's safe and possible, ifyour child is behaving a
(06:24):
certain way, leave the room orjust turn your back.
Simply the action of turningyour back you stay in the room.
You know those kinds of thingsturning your back and then
counting to 30 and acting likeyou're completely distracted by
something else.
If they are doing thatattention to get your behavior,
they might escalate it.
(06:44):
They might say, all right, well, let's try a little harder then
.
But if they're safe and you'reable to turn your back and wait
for them to sometimes just getdistracted by something else,
okay, that didn't get what Iwanted.
Move on to the next topic orchange the behavior.
So now they're going to changethe behavior because that one
didn't work.
So one of the things they saidis if you can leave the room,
(07:06):
great.
If you can't leave the room,again, safety is priority.
Turn your back, try to justgive that.
Close your eyes, don't givethem that direct attention for
whatever that behavior is, andwait for the behavior to change,
as long as safety stays the keything, long as safety stays the
(07:26):
key thing.
I remember we used to havechecklists for the kids when
they were younger and they wouldbe able to, you know, caught
being good, and so it was kindof like a star chart, you know,
or something, but ours was achecklist and they would caught
being good, caught being good.
So that helped me and the kids,because the kids would walk up
mom, did you see that that couldget me a token, or you know?
And so that was one way toreinforce positive behavior.
(07:47):
And then I do remember wetaught our kids put your hand on
me.
So I'm talking to an adult.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
And they do that to this day.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
To this day.
My 17-year-old just did thatyesterday.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
You need my attention and I am in a conversation with
somebody else.
Put your hand on my shoulder.
I absolutely know that you needmy attention, and so two things
will happen.
I'm going to to speed alongwhatever conversation I'm or not
speed along.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Or recognize a natural pause.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
I'm going to find a natural pause to then come to
you and all things you knowdelayed gratification, you know,
yeah, yeah, it teaches patience.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Right, we got to teach patience.
I put my hand, so a lot oftimes it's on my shoulder.
Um, I'll put my hand on theshoulder, so on top of theirs.
They put their hand, I put myhand, and then that lets them
know I recognize you're here.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Touch them back.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
And sometimes, especially as they've, the wait
time has been extended andgotten longer.
Or there are other times I'vebeen like I really do need to
finish this.
Can you go write down what youwant to tell me?
You know if they can write, orsomething like that, and that's
kind of helped too.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I think that that one , this one little thing that
we've done with them I I'm sureof it has helped them with their
patients generally speaking,with other people and not just
trying to break in the room orin the event matter and I need
to wait my turn.
(09:12):
I think it's probably gone along way for that.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Yeah, I bet you're right.
It's helped in that way too.
I didn't think of that.
All right, tip number two.
Tip number two determine whythe behavior is happening.
A lot of times when we havebehaviors, especially if they're
more on the extreme scale, wereact as parents Whoa, stop,
what are you doing?
And that reaction in and ofitself is the attention.
If we can take a deep breath,maybe not turn our backs we have
(09:36):
to maintain the safety.
But even if we can take a deepbreath and just take for
ourselves the one who's stillnot in their emotional brain and
think for 30 seconds, why didmy kid do that?
So for an example two, I'm justgoing to say siblings, because
we have boys.
Two siblings are playingtogether and all of a sudden we
see one hit the other, which isvery typical for boys.
(09:58):
One hit the other instead ofgoing oh we don't hit, shame on
you.
We take 30 seconds and weanalyze the situation.
Why did the hit happen?
Okay, so now we're going to goover and maybe even have a
little bit of a conversation, ormaybe we know why the hit
happened and we can say hey, Iunderstand, you're really mad
(10:18):
that your brother just took thetoy you were playing with, but
we don't hit.
So let's practice what we doinstead.
So that's kind of.
The key thing is, if we canunderstand why their behavior
happened, we can help them learna more productive way to deal
with it.
And then practice.
I'm a big person I guess it'sbecause I'm a counselor I'm a
big person in practice.
All right, we're going topractice it.
(10:39):
You're going to be playing withthe toy.
Okay, brother, take the toy.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah, I mean practice is that's in all.
We should be practicing in allfacets of our life.
I mean in work practice, howyou will relate to customers in
given circumstances.
I mean to me that's an idealactivity for any kid growing up,
but especially certain childrenwith disabilities who might
have cognitive deficiencies orautism if they're on the
(11:07):
spectrum and they struggle withunderstanding people's body
language and things like that.
I mean practicing candefinitely help them to
recognize as they grow older andmanage themselves in situations
a lot better, I think.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah for sure.
And it's not always a good timeto practice.
So the example I gave was thatperfect scenario when you could
now sit down and have thepractice time.
But that's not always going tobe the way it is.
So sometimes we have to saynope, we're not going to do that
and we have to remember, asparents, to come back to it
later and talk about it andstill practice.
So we can practice the how do Ireact when my sibling takes the
(11:47):
toy.
But then we can practice withthe other sibling asking for the
toy and the whole thing.
So it can become a big ordealwith that, which means sometimes
we don't have time, but we haveto remember to come back to it
and at least readdress it withthe kids, all right.
So tip number three we asparents have to model the
appropriate behaviors we expectourselves, which isn't easy
sometimes.
(12:07):
My son said to me that, mom,I've seen you lose your mind
sometimes and yell at us.
And I'm like, yes, I have.
And yet I tell them don't yellat your sibling and I've yelled
myself.
So when we get confused, whenwe get bothered, when we get
flustered, the best thing for usto do is work on our emotional
(12:27):
control, model it for ourselvesor, if we don't do a good job,
back around and address it withour kids you know you saw mom,
dad, lose their temper, thatwasn't good of me to do and and
then kind of process it withthem.
And even with kids that have ahard time understanding, they
can understand a lot of timeswhen you say I'm sorry that I
(12:50):
yelled at you or I'm sorry Iraised my voice and I know that
was probably scary for you,those kinds of things.
So modeling the behaviorourselves can be a challenge,
well and along.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
what goes along with that is modeling responsibility
and and taking responsibilityfor times where you were
absolutely not at your best,which we all are, as parents.
Nobody is is immune to thesetype of these type of situations
where you kind of not at yourbest, which we all are as
parents.
Nobody is immune to these typeof situations, where you kind of
lose your cool a little bit andyou get a little angry, and
that kind of thing.
I mean, one of the things I'mtrying to teach our boys is to
(13:23):
take responsibility for whenthey are adults or when they
become parents.
Your kids need to see you takeresponsibility for when you mess
up, because they need to knowyou're not perfect, right that
they don't need to be.
You know they don't need to be.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
They don't need to be perfect either.
Perfect humans.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
We all need to be working to improve ourselves,
but taking responsibility is ahuge part of personal
development.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Absolutely.
The next tip is give choiceswhen you can.
Now, we can't always givechoices, but if we start giving
choices, what we teach isindependence.
We teach independence.
So in the example it says atime-directed request.
So there's two different waysto use countdown.
One is effective for disciplineand one is not.
(14:07):
So, for example, if you say,hey, bedtime is in five minutes,
all right, everyone bedtime'sin three minutes, bedtime's in
one minute, start your musicalcountdown.
That's an effective way becauseit's giving them a heads up
that something is coming, andespecially with ADHD kids, that
five minutes, 10 minutes, twominutes probably felt the same
(14:28):
to them every single time.
So for them, they need thatcountdown.
It's really good for them.
In fact, sometimes I need itfor myself.
Oh, look at that.
I have a friend who says thatshe has a music playlist.
That's exactly the amount oftime it takes her to get ready
in the morning and she hits thatplaylist.
So she tracks her time.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
I find that time blindness can can be a problem
when it comes to I totally thosecountdowns I've used.
We use all the time but therehave been plenty of times,
especially with our youngest one, where 20 minutes and then 10
minutes and then it's like hedidn't even hear the 10 minute
one.
Then I come in and say fiveminutes and he goes wait a
(15:06):
minute, you just said 20 minutes, I did 15 minutes ago.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
So the countdowns can be beneficial, but it does help
teach independence.
When it's not effective, though, is when you say I asked you to
go pick up that toy.
You need to go pick it up forthree.
You're counting for compliance.
You're giving them power, andwe don't want to do that.
We want to really work on thefact that it's like I've asked
you.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
That's interesting because that's a power.
As a parent, we've all donethat.
It feels like a power move forus.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
But you're saying it has the opposite effect.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
It has the opposite effect.
It gives them power.
Oh, I have five seconds, I candelay this, I don't have to pick
it five more seconds.
And kids are mastermanipulators because that is
what they are built to do.
They are built to find thelimits that are set for them,
and if the limit is, I can waitfive more seconds to pick up
that toy and comply.
Well, I've already gotten awaywith not doing it the first time
(16:03):
.
Now they're counting down, Iget away with it a little bit
longer.
So it gives them kind of thatpower, and we want to teach them
independence.
But we don't want to teach thempower.
We want to also teachcompliance, because your boss is
going to expect compliance oryou're not going to be hired.
One of the other ones, too, wasgiving them kind of that
(16:25):
countdown, as in the option ofsaying hey, I need you to go put
your laundry away or I need youto pick up the toys.
Do you want to stop right nowand do that?
But I see you're in a game.
Would you rather finish thisround?
Speaker 2 (16:40):
See, I like that because that also demonstrates
respect for them, and kids needto be respected, also by their
parents.
Kids are their own person and Ithink it's important for them
to also feel a sense of respect.
So if that's you respectingtheir boundary, which is a good
thing, that's not a bad thing.
Right, kids need to have theirown boundaries.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Exactly, they really do.
They really do and when theyfeel that, I think they feel, oh
, I have a choice right now.
It gives them the right powerand control.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Positive empowering, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
And so I think that that's a key factor that we want
to work in with children isunderstanding when it's
appropriate to have choices andwhen it's appropriate to just
comply.
Yep, so all right Consequencesmust relate to behavior.
So, for example, every perfectconsequence loses its
effectiveness if it doesn'tactually challenge or change the
(17:37):
behavior that you're lookingfor.
And you had a great one withour youngest and the cell phones
recently.
You were noticing that well, Imean, they all walk around like
this nowadays.
In fact, half of the adults doso.
Everyone has a cell phone.
It's a mini computer in ourhands.
We function every day with it.
It's communication.
(17:57):
There's nothing evil in andabout the cell phone itself, but
especially with young children,it's become such a distraction
device that you go okay, theconsequences that I said
something to you.
You didn't want to beinterrupted on your cell phone,
so you were.
They kind of become thismonster that comes out and it's
like wait, hold on a minute,what happened?
(18:17):
So you talked to our son alittle bit about putting your
cell phone down for conversationtimes.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Right, right, but it was um.
So we we went out to tobreakfast together and we were
sitting there and he was on hisphone and I was not on my phone
and I just sort of nudged himand I said so you know, tell me,
um, you know what, what are yougoing to do for the rest of
today, after breakfast today?
And and he puts his phone downand um, and he starts telling me
(18:44):
, you know what what his day isgoing to be like.
And then and then he met.
He goes to pick up his phoneand I go, I go, I'm keeping my
phone over there so I can talkto you, and he and he, without
telling him directly to do it,he did that.
He pushed his phone away andfor the next like 45 minutes
that we were there at the table,he did not touch his phone.
It was amazing and it wasawesome.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Yeah, that is amazing 45 minutes of not touching
their phone 45 minutes.
Usually that's the consequenceI was monitoring.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
This was like a social experiment.
I was like what's going on here?
I've been to lean into this.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Let's admit it, we all do social experiments with
our children.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
But not every kid's Again.
Kids are all pretty muchaddicted to their phones, right?
It's very difficult, and whenwe know they?
Speaker 1 (19:27):
love something like a phone.
Typically that's theconsequence.
Let's take away the thing thatthey like.
But if it's not related to thebehavior, it's not helpful.
So, for example, I noticed thatone night we heard noise coming
from our son's bedroom and Iwas like I think he's, I think
he has phone in there.
I think he took his phone in.
So it was like it's funny.
(19:49):
I said call him.
He answered his phone.
We're like mm-mm.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Yes, what dad.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
So the next day it was.
I want you to be responsiblewith your cellular device,
because it's going to be withyou the rest of your life, so
you need to learn somelimitations, let's clarify real
quick.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
So this is our oldest and we do have a standing rule
that phones aren't allowed to bein the room, but we did make an
exception for our oldestbecause he was demonstrating
responsibility.
He was to the best that wecould.
We could you know track, but hewas using it for music at night
.
He really needed it.
Um, we tried the Google speakerthing, but for some reason it
(20:29):
didn't work out he does.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
When I wake him up in the morning, the music's
playing.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
Our oldest is on the spectrum and he'll put the same
song on and it'll just loop thewhole night.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
It would drive me insane For him that's comforting
.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
I just wanted to clarify.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
We had the talk the next day.
I said you've earned theprivilege of having your phone
in there at night because you'vedemonstrated responsibility.
Last, of having your phone inthere at night because you've
demonstrated responsibility, andlast night we caught you not
being responsible.
Yeah, so this is your onlywarning.
The consequence will be youwant to have your phone in your
room again.
We haven't heard a peep since.
Yeah, and he's been fallingasleep at a regular time.
(21:04):
Excuse me, and I do peek inthere sometimes to Chuck and
he's making sure to wake up.
He's not having troublesleeping during the day or
anything else like that.
So it seems to be.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
I know what some of our listeners are saying right
now.
Well, he probably has earbudsin or something like that, but
we've, we check on that, and hedoesn't wear those to bed.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
He actually has earned that responsible
privilege but it's taken time.
In fact, our middle son willask us why does, why does you
know older brother get to dothis?
And I've had to say becausehe's demonstrated responsibility
.
And I know you're still workingon that responsibility.
And that's been a good behaviormodification conversation,
(21:43):
because it's not anyone doinganything wrong.
It's answering the question asto why is someone getting a
privilege?
I don't get.
Well, because they'vedemonstrated responsibility.
So I'm not even having to talkabout punishments, I'm getting
to talk about rewards, I'mgetting to talk about that and I
think that that's a greatopportunity.
So if we see, if you don't havesiblings for your kids, if you
see people out in the world youknow, oh well, they get to have
(22:07):
this job or do this privilegebecause they've demonstrated
responsibility.
Driving is one of them.
You have to earn the privilegeto drive and it's more than just
a license.
It's the responsible driverbehind the wheel, all the parts
of driving.
So, yeah, so that's I kind ofsidetracked, I'm sorry, sorry
about that.
Consequences relate to behavior.
(22:29):
So if they're refusing to dosomething and we consequence
just because they like to dosomething else, sometimes that
helps, but then sometimes itwill not.
And key thing to learn is didthe consequence change the
behavior?
If the consequence did notchange the behavior, then it
wasn't the right consequence andyou're going to have that
(22:50):
happen.
I know we've had that happen.
And so you just you move on andnext time you try the next
thing, or you try what you hopewill work again.
So it it don't worry if yourconsequence doesn't work every
time, just kind of say, okay, Ilearned from that.
Now what am I going to try?
Different?
Speaker 2 (23:05):
next time Don't worry about it, but also recognize
that it might not be working andyou need to try something else.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Yes, all right.
Hardest part, last tipConsistency.
It really is hard, especiallywhen we know that our special
needs kids are slower learners.
A lot of times slower learningmeans it's going to take a lot
more time for them to learnsomething.
(23:32):
And you will see that childrentheir age have figured something
out and you're saying toyourself they still don't have
it.
And that can be absolutelyexhausting as a parent to go
okay, we're going to do thisagain, we're going to keep on
doing this.
And sometimes it makes youquestion is it working?
Sometimes it makes you questionis it working?
Sometimes it makes you questionis it working?
(23:54):
Do I need to do somethingdifferent?
Other times it just means Ijust have to keep sticking with
it, and that's such anindividual.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
And that is hard.
As a parent, you often questionyourself.
Everybody does.
Why is that not working?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
I usually think I'm a good dad, but this is
situations making me feel like Idon't know what the heck I'm
doing right um, oh yeah, butsticking with it, you know,
committing to it the the and ifyou have multiple caregivers in
the house, like if you're, ifyou're lucky enough to have have
and respite providers oroccupational therapists coming
into your home, that creates alot of consistency.
Yeah, you, you have to makesure everyone's on the same page
(24:34):
and we've had to have thoseconversations and I know we've
even talked about oh, that'sexhausting and luckily we have a
good relationship with our thecaregiver and so she's even come
to us and said so I noticed theway that you or Brian or
whoever did something and I hada thought about that and I
(24:54):
appreciate that about her,because that took some serious
guts.
She's in our house, these areour kids, but she really
honestly cared about theirdevelopment.
That's why she was giving thatsuggestion.
But I have to tell you itreally was like a punch in the
gut to have someone else kind ofcritiquing.
You know how it was handled, butat the same time it really was
like a punch in the gut to havesomeone else kind of critiquing
how it was handled, but at thesame time it got us on the same
(25:15):
page together further along andat the end of the day our kids
saw a team of people who havethe same expectations and
consistently are handling thingsthe same way.
And I think that that was reallykey.
That was my last one, soremember key things here.
That was my last one, soremember key things here.
When we talk about discipliningchildren, regardless of age and
(25:42):
abilities, anything andeverything we do, we are trying
to modify behavior so that theycan be more successful in social
groups, in work groups, ingeneral, so that they can just
have happier experiences withfamily together.
They can have happierexperiences with friends.
We want our children to learnbehavior modification for their
own benefit, so it's okay tokeep trying, it's okay to never
(26:02):
give up and it's absolutely 100%okay to say that didn't work
and I'm going to have to trysomething else.
Reach out through social mediagroups.
Reach out through any sort oflike autism group.
Utilize therapists, utilizecounselors and talk about
discipline strategies and beokay to say the old ways that
(26:24):
worked for someone or the waysthat worked for one child aren't
going to be the same foreverybody.
So and we know that can beexhausting If you need anything,
reach out SpecialParentorg.
We're here for you guys.
So thank you so much forlistening.
Have a great day.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
(26:47):
specialparentorg.
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