Can music and games really help both parents and children transition smoothly back to school? That’s exactly what we discuss with our wonderful guest, Shawna Fox, in this episode of the Special Parent Podcast. We explore practical techniques to shift from an emotional state to a logical thinking brain, making the start of the school year a little less stressful. From dancing in the car to celebrating small wins with special treats, Shawna shares personal stories that highlight how simple pleasures can lead to big improvements.
Ever tried celebrating the first day of school with an ice cream outing? We delve into family traditions that ease back-to-school stress and explore the significance of simple rewards in motivating children. Tackling common challenges like school transportation for special needs children, we provide proactive strategies for smoother arrangements, such as checking bus schedules and providing comfort items. Our experiences emphasize the importance of patience and understanding, showing that even the small steps can make a significant impact.
Parenthood is a rollercoaster of emotions, especially when raising differently-abled children. Shawna and I share humorous and heartfelt anecdotes, such as dealing with stubborn cowlicks on picture day or the emotional toll of school drop-offs. We emphasize resilience and the power of adapting parenting styles to meet unique needs. Through humor and celebrating small victories, we aim to bring joy and empowerment to your back-to-school journey, reminding you that it's okay to embrace the chaos and find laughter along the way.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi everyone, welcome back to the Special Parent
Podcast.
This is part three of adiscussion on back to school
with Shawna Fox.
If you missed parts one and two, please go to my webpage,
specialparentorg, and get caughtup there.
First, we continue talkingabout coping strategies to use
when surviving the start of theschool year.
Our discussion focuses onteaching our children and
(00:21):
ourselves how to move from anemotional brain to our logic
thinking brain.
As special needs parents, wewill have the same worries as
every parent out there and more.
Our focus is on our wins, ourwins, our kids' wins, everyone's
wins.
Part three is all aboutencouragement, empowering
ourselves and our children andcreating the wins in every day.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
We wanted to tell the coping strategies and what
works for them.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yes, so because it might be the coloring, it might
be the music, it might be thethinking about something
different.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
There's so many different ways we can, and
honestly, using our you know ourmedia platforms, or using that
in a constructive way to say allright, so you can have 30
minutes more of doing thisbecause you made these great
choices.
Or sometimes, especially whenthey're games and stuff that are
logic based or music stuff, itwill move them from that middle
brain to their temporal lobe orto their frontal lobe and those
(01:33):
areas are so much stronger andbetter able to take care of us
in our decision making.
So, in teaching them that we'rereally honest with our kids and
with our students, we say I'mnot trying to manipulate you
right now.
I'm saying to you you are inyour middle brain and we need
you.
To you, let's, let's.
Which part of your brain wouldyou like to go to?
Do you want to do yourcerebellum?
(01:55):
Do you want to go jump rope?
Yeah, what do you want to do?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
or we have that little hook game where it's like
they yes, they and it's andit's broken right now.
We got to get it fixed.
They like throw the hook atthis wall and some I've made it
once.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I spent four times.
I spent like four to fiveminutes with it being swung at
my head this morning.
Did it connect?
Yeah, it did not connect oh,okay but the student was going.
I'm getting so close, miss soclose.
You're not even flinching Likeyou're a bad shot.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
You're like I have hope.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
But I think, and sometimes, when we're so
stressed out, when there'snothing else you can do, the
best thing to do is to look andgo.
I am so stressed out, are youstressed out?
And if you like to dance, throwon an awesome upbeat song and
dance it out.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I used to do that in the car on the way to school.
I'd throw on something and we'dget.
Of course I was trying to driveat the same time.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Yes, we made it everywhere safe.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
But you know just that upbeat dance music and it
just it kind of just took usaway from the stress of it.
You and your temporal lobe, yes, and filled my brain with all
the good of it.
You and your temporal lobe, yes, and filled my brain with all
the good chemicals it's supposedto have.
So when I did get to school,even though I still felt that
anxious anxiety feeling, itwasn't as strong, and I felt
empowered to kind of pushthrough it, to just kind of go
(03:17):
ahead, and usually really whatit comes down to, especially
with starting school, is gettingpast that first day or that
first getting out of the car.
If we can get past that,normally everything else just
kind of starts to happen.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
It's also been.
My youngest son started histeaching career this week his
first-time teacher, oh my goshand he sent a picture today of
this beautiful bagel sandwichfrom a restaurant out by his
school Mm-hmm.
And he said all week I was sostressed out and I just kept
thinking on Thursday you'regetting that bagel sandwich.
(03:55):
At some point in time this weekI will be in a non-stress
bubble.
And me and that sandwich are allthat matter, yeah it's going to
be OK, and even though it'ssomething simple, to give them
something beyond.
With my nieces it's been hey,but on Saturday we're going to
go swimming.
(04:15):
So just project yourself tothinking towards that, because
our brains get stuck in the hereand now and that first week can
be so intimidating, and notonly for our children but for us
, I definitely think, forspecial needs moms.
Sometimes we might be even moreanxious Because we've got all
the thoughts.
(04:35):
Yes, we're trying to take of the17 things, and I'm going to
tell you right now from theperspective of a teacher,
especially a teacher that'sworking with students with
exceptional needs.
I have all the mercy in theworld for parents on those first
few weeks.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Yeah, it's so rough just to sometimes get them there
, get them to have the rightstuff, right?
I say and I know you say thistoo because, again, our supply
list is come, just get themthere.
However it comes, it's fine,absolutely.
It's really okay If they didnot brush their teeth the first
(05:11):
couple of days.
I know we all go, but it's okay.
If that's what we had to giveup, or if they didn't get their
hair brushed on that first,that's just fine, that's okay.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
And if and if that becomes something that's long,
long term, then we say you knowwhat?
we're going to.
We're going to send them alittle bag with a brush and a
toothbrush in it and we as aschool are going to give them a
moment in time where we put thatexpectation in place.
We just take the things thatare stressors towards us for
(05:41):
that and just relinquish them.
It's not.
My mom always says to.
I have a niece that isprofoundly on the spectrum and
she'll always say Sarah, it'snot the end of the world.
And so Sarah has her phrasesthat she repeats them mostly
that we don't like, like whenshe calls me Chewy Butt Neck,
but she says Shauna's Chewy ButtNeck.
(06:04):
But it makes her laugh.
It does, it makes her laugh andshe giggles, and then we all
giggle Well yeah, I laugh at itBecause you don't have a choice.
I laugh at a lot of things thatmost people don't, but just to
have that second, that thing andto just lay it down, okay, you
know what I would love for youto go to school with your hair
cute and your teeth brushed, butif not, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
And if you got the wins every year.
I think, if we can just findthe win sometimes, that's what I
really have to focus on is,instead of focusing on what
didn't happen, we have to focuson what did.
What did happen today, what didhappen in this moment, what did
happen before they went, and ifwe can focus on that.
Sometimes that's the feedbackwhen we give the teacher after
the first week of school hey, wehad these great wins.
Still working on a few things.
(06:53):
Can you help me out, like if itis a toothbrush thing or
whatever it is we did have.
I remember we did have a studentthat we had like hair supplies
and deodorant at school and whenhe got to school he just went
into the staff bathroom areawhere it was private and other
students wouldn't see him, andjust because I don't know why he
didn't do it at home, momdidn't either, but it worked,
(07:15):
and so it's the way of makingthe student comfortable, helping
the parents just overcome theseobstacles, and I think that if
you can find a team that workswith and start talking to other
parents, they have great ideasabout it and I want to encourage
parents not to catastrophizethe first few days.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah, because we know our child is nervous.
We're nervous.
So if they came home and theymisread a situation, or they
rightly read a situation, andthey're saying something, and
then we are like that is notgoing down, I'm calling the
teacher tomorrow.
And now this child's going backknowing that their teacher is
going to get called and they'recalling me.
I would say, on those issues,as much as you possibly can,
(07:58):
unless it's, you know, a majorissue, but even maybe not let
your child know, not let yourchild know and just say OK, well
, you know what, we're going towork it out.
We're going to work it outGiving them that confidence.
We're going to work it out.
You're so awesome for stillsticking around and not, you
didn't melt down at that, that'sawesome.
So what do you think we can dotomorrow to make it better?
(08:21):
Besides me, you know talkingand we'll find ways, but to not
catastrophize understanding thattheir brains might be.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
They might be catastrophizing.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
So we have to, as parents, model how not to do
that and model how to relax or,like you were saying, nope,
we're just going to handle thatwhen inside you're going oh my
gosh, but you're going to havethat as a separate conversation
or phone call or whatever thatthe child doesn't know about.
So the child thinks tomorrow,oh, everything's going to be
okay, cause my mom said it'sgoing to be fine, right?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
So it's going to be fine, and and if it happens
again, then we'll hear it out.
You know, I had an incidentwhere, um, there was a
substitute teacher and she hadmade my son eat, Um, and he was
on a very particular schedulewhen he ate and he couldn and he
did not eat at lunchtime withthe other students and all the
(09:16):
staff knew that, they knew whathis eating schedule was, but the
sub didn't, and she made himeat and then he took his
chocolate milk and opened hismouth and just drooled it all
down the front of him like theadorable little prince that he
is.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Well, he made his point point.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
He did make his point and then I got a phone call a
week later from the staff askingme to please make sure that my
son wears clean clothes toschool.
And I was mortified because Iwas like my kids are always I
lay out their clothes and Ispend way too much time on the
clearance racks at Ross.
(09:54):
That boy is well-dressed.
Well then I found out that thatgot him so stuck and he
wouldn't talk about it with me.
He was hiding that chocolatemilk rotted shirt in his
backpack or in the laundry roomand he would change into it on
the bus.
So for over a week he wore thatsame shirt, never washed, never
(10:15):
washed with this rotting milkand then would go and just stare
at the ladies the nice ladiesin the cafeteria, because they
were part of this nightmare that, even though they weren't in
his mind exactly very much were,and so from both sides of that,
they could have overreacted andsaid what is this mom even
doing with their child's life?
And I could have overreacted andsaid why is this teacher making
(10:39):
him?
We have very clear medicalstuff on paper.
But it wasn't.
It was a sub that didn't knowbetter.
She didn't have a note, itwould never happen again.
It didn't happen again, right.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
And that's part of the stress of going back to
school is we know that our kidshopefully get you know a great
staff that get to know them.
But there's going to be a subat some point and the idea of
how is that going to benavigated for some of our kids
that do have these unique needsand they're triggered by things
that a sub is not going to thinkis triggering because it's
normal everyday thing for mostpeople.
(11:12):
It's not for that child andit's triggering for them.
One of our family traditions Iguess you could call it is the
first day of school we always goout for ice cream afterward.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
You don't even have to eat your dinner that night, I
mean my kids usually come homeravished and they're like
stuffing their faces anyways.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
But that's not a requirement for ice cream that
day.
We just we go out to ice creamafter school and first day of
school.
That's what we do, and this wasthe first year that one child
had a different first day ofschool than the other two.
Well, guess what?
We had two ice cream nightsBecause there was no way I was
(11:51):
going to tell one child youcan't have any ice cream and
then tell the other two you getice cream, it is your first day,
yeah, well and so.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
But even little things like that, it can be okay
.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
So we, we don't know why chocolate milk made me think
of that because rotten dairyproducts?
Speaker 2 (12:10):
um, it can be simple, as you had a great first day.
Great first day means we'regoing to the park and you are
going to go down that slide andget all of your energy out and
then come tell me some sort ofreward, something beyond that
stressor that they can think to.
Maybe for some of them theyjust want to go home and zone
out now on the couch and wonder.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
you know what life is .
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Maybe they need to sleep.
Yes, it's exhausting.
Whatever it is, that is areward to their reward system
that says you've done well, dothat.
And I would encourage, not justthat first day but at the end
of that first week as well.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You know another topic that we, as special
educators and special needs moms, see tackling every year
transportation.
Food Seems to never get itright on the first day.
Either they completely misspicking up your child the
paperwork's not done, they can'tfind the paperwork or, because
(13:09):
they're a transfer student, thetransportation's not even set up
yet, and that is a paperworkprocess that takes days and, I
hate to say, weeks for sometimes, but I've seen it take
that long.
You have too.
So, as a parent who's having tonavigate, I have to get to work
, I have other kids, whateverelse, how do we handle this
transportation, or even theanticipation of the stress of it
(13:29):
?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
I'm going to start with very unrealistic and
unpopular opinion and that isgoing to be.
There are years that I tookthat first day half of the day
off to just take my child toschool and to pick them up or
arrange with my husband to pickthem up, to take that one less
stressor off of them and myself,and obviously not everybody's
(13:53):
in that situation.
But again, sometimes we justsay we've got so much new
happening in this day, we'regoing to do school new today,
we're going to do transportationnew starting tomorrow.
We'll see.
If you're not able to be in asituation to do that, I would be
very proactive with making suremost schools now have the
(14:15):
software where you can go andlook that their bus information
is on that.
I would make sure that it isthere and if not I would kindly
and nicely call the office andif so go see them.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
As they say, you get more bees with honey.
So it is.
And transportation isnotoriously known for right not
being the most receptive rightit is a totally different entity
it is all part of the sameschool, but it but it's not it's
on a different property.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
It's got a different government governance and
management style.
Everything's different.
So to call and attack andangrily pursue this, um, I don't
think that's going to get yourchild or you what you want.
It's going to end up being morestressful.
There is an expectation ofsafety with our kiddos.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
So, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
That's something that just has to be done.
My daughter had to be switchedfrom her bus because she knocked
out a 11 year old boy.
She also was 11 because shesaid hi to him every morning on
the bus and he did not notrespond to her, even though he
was nonverbal.
She did not understand that.
(15:26):
Right, that did not comprehendfor her One day.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Their two disabilities did not go well
together.
Go well together.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
And that's the challenge, because if they're on
specialized transportation,usually there'll be two or three
children on there.
There'll be two or threechildren on there.
And the other thing you alsowant to make sure is if my child
is the last pickup or the firstpickup.
I don't want them to be on abus every day for an hour, hour
and a half, before or afterschool.
Yeah, that's too much, so youwant to know what those
(15:54):
schedules look like.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Yeah, that's really important.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Those are the times where I'm the annoying parent
and I'm going to call them.
Yeah, we're going to figure itout, yeah, we've got to figure
this out, because it's not rightfor my child to go through that
.
And maybe to have something,depending on the age, like a
little squishable keychain or afidget or something that they
can have with them for the busyes, or a comfort item, a
(16:19):
comfort item for the bus?
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Yeah, because the bus can be calming, just that move.
I mean, how many times did weput our kid, when they were car
seat age, in the car and drive,just so they would go to sleep
for a while and so the bus canbe moving, but for other kids it
can be completely overwhelmingor I mean we're here in arizona
and it's happened where it's 113and the ac is broken on the bus
(16:41):
.
There is is zero way that busride's comfortable.
You're in a metal tube, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
And it's not a dry heat.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
in August we have humidity in August.
You got 113 plus the humidity,and I don't care how many times
you put those little windowsdown.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
You're just blowing a furnace on you.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
And so it can be super overwhelming for our kids.
So we have to, like you said,give them a comfort, give them
an item send them a littletravel size spray bottle with
water in it yes and say yep,this is for afterschool.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
So only use this on the bus and hope you know.
Of course my son would havedismantled it and buried it
somewhere in the backyard, butstill, whatever.
Whatever it is is something oreven like a bandana that they
can get wet in the waterfountain and wrap it around
their neck.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Let me be clear Back of the neck, yes, back of the
neck.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
You might want to show us how to do that or teach
them to use like their littleice pack in their lunchbox.
They can take it and put it ontheir Vegas, anything like that
to help.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
That's a great idea.
I didn't think about that.
It sounds like the main or keything that we keep talking about
is we as parents.
It's us staying positive.
It's us kind of preparingourselves for this and talking
to other special needs parents,getting ideas and, yes, it's
super stressful.
But if we stay ahead of thegame, stay ahead of what the
system's asking of us, we'restill going to miss something.
(18:03):
Absolutely every year I missedsomething.
In fact, last year my one sondidn't get a yearbook.
Thankfully he was my youngest.
Who was like what am I gonna?
Speaker 2 (18:10):
do with it.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
I was like, okay, I took a sharpie, they signed my
shirt yeah I'm fine, he was likeoh so, but I swear I ordered
that yearbook.
Yeah right, I was combingthrough all the nope I didn't
order that one but again.
Three different schools, threedifferent yearbooks.
Apparently, in my mind, Iordered it.
So all that bad.
And you order at the beginningof the school year for all, for
(18:32):
two of my kids, not for thethird.
So that's why.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Right, it's the to-do list and I would encourage you
to look at it like this.
And I would encourage you tolook at it like this Brace
myself, the first week there'sgoing to be glitches.
Stuff's going to fall throughthe cracks there's going to be.
My child may very welldemonstrate the extreme meltdown
(18:56):
version of where they're at, orthe hardest, or the most
anxiety, or the biggestintroversion.
I'm going to prepare thatthat's going to happen.
Or the biggest introversion I'mgoing to prepare that that's
going to happen and I am goingto determine and have a little
to-do list options in my headthat if this rolls out, I'm
going to do it.
But they're going to seepositivity from me and if at
night you plunk your head downon your pillow and you've had a
(19:18):
kiddo that got to school, stayedthe day, got home and they're
relatively safe and happy, thenthat was a win.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
We're going to try again tomorrow, and if you need
to cry in that pillow, you goright ahead.
I've done plenty of thosenights.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
You drop them off at school, you cry.
They get on the bus you cry.
You go home you cry.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
And then I just blame it on allergies.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
That's what I do, that's my healthy coping
strategy.
I got mascara in my eyeball, sojust accept that this is a high
stress week for everybody, evenstuff that is really minor,
that most weeks wouldn't evenhit our radar.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
And the key thing is, we all got through it when we
were younger.
We're going to get through itas adults and as parents and
they're going to get through ittoo, and really for the 99% of
the things that are going tohappen, whether they're good or
they're bad, are still justgoing to happen and be gone.
And the next day is a new dayand the next week is a new week
and pretty soon you're lookingin Arizona.
(20:18):
We get October break, so it'sgoing to be okay, just like you
tell your kid it's going to beokay, but in your mind it's a
catastrophe.
It really is going to be okay,we're going to get through this
too.
We're going to get through it,and next year we're going to do
it again Pull up, that's right.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Take out old pictures and say look, this was your
first day of kindergarten.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Look grade, Look at all these first days that you
have absolutely just conquered.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yes, I love that you're empowering them to just
another first day for my highschoolers this year.
I had them, as an exercise thefirst day, do a timeline of
their hair, the first day ofschool, as far back as they can
remember till now, and I wasjust really trying to ground
them to say hey, look, and I'vesaid OK, so this is your ninth
first day, this is your 10thfirst day, especially for my
(21:05):
freshmen to get in here.
You've done this before.
I know it all feels really new,but you've done this before and
even with that horrible haircut, even with this horrible
haircut, you're killing it, kid,you're doing great.
You're killing it, kid, you'redoing great.
Just to find ways to assurethem hey, we might, it might be,
(21:27):
this whole day might be notyour best first day, that's okay
.
You had others that were greatand you'll have another one.
And guess what?
Tomorrow, your second day canbe different, exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Maybe your second day will be amazing.
Today was our third day ofschool and it was picture day
and I did everything.
And Chromebook day, oh, andChromebook day and all the days
it was like well, let's justthrow it all in one day, put it
all together.
Yeah, so that way teachers canjust say don't teach this day
Exactly.
And we worked on my son's hairthis morning, but when we took
(21:56):
his, his picture, there was apiece that was like so my son
has this beautiful swoop of hairwith like a, he's got a sail up
, he's got great calic, and andthere is he does.
There is just no hiding that,no.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
so he's got his hair waving you, and so you should
get all those pictures and linethem up and do like a
topographic map of his calicyears how it's shifted and I
love that.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
That's the key thing to special needs parenting, I
think, is just being able tolook back and laugh and laugh
and just take a deep breathsometimes and realize you are
getting through all of thisyou're surviving and if you, if
you're, if you're listening tous, you're trying to learn
because you love your kid, yep,so you're doing it right.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
I mean, that's, that's really what we're doing,
right we're?
We're waking up every day.
This is new.
Most of us did not go intoparenting understanding that we
would be parenting differentlyabled children, right, that
sometimes our highs and lowswould look different, and so
(22:58):
most of the time, we have thisparenting archetype of how it
was done, based on how ourparents parented us, how our
grandparents and it doesn't work.
Yeah, it doesn't, the rulesdon't apply or they have to look
different because my child hasdifferent needs.
Yeah, so I say all the timewhen I tell stories and I'll
(23:19):
think it's hilarious, and then Isee groups of mortified people
like you, buried all thecalculators in your backyard.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
And I'm like, yeah, that's funny.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
How's that not awesome, Like someday some
archeologist is going to comearound and say we don't know
what was going on in this partof the state.
There are a lot of backs toremote controls here, Right and
so.
But you laugh or you cry.
Am I okay that my son isstealing?
No but he's a kleptomaniac.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
And it's not that you're not working on it.
So here we go.
First day of school, we'reworking on all these things.
First week of school.
We're going to get through it,but at the end, just take a deep
breath.
You're surviving every day andlearn to laugh at those things
because they are going to beminuscule and funny stories.
Right, that's right.
And just know that becauseyou're working on it, you're
already succeeding.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Exactly so.
You are, you're loving, you areloving your baby enough to
realize that they have uniqueneeds.
It's so much easier and moredifficult at the same time to
fall back on the archetypes andto say well, my parents, if I
did that, my parents would havewell, my aunt.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
And even still, you still hear that in culture and I
will tell you that from familymembers yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
And so do I, and so would I.
And then you know it was like,oh, oh, you've got all the
answers, okay.
Well, here's a three-year-oldfrom a Bulgarian orphanage.
See what you can do, right?
And now I'm 27 years later andhe's still giving me wet willies
with his knee sweat.
So things just look differentand it's not easy.
(25:03):
It's uncomfortable as a parent,it's uncomfortable as a teacher
, to not fit the norm, right,right, when we have kids that
are outliers, that's difficult.
But gosh, you just love them.
And I have the crazy storiesthat my babies have given me.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
And again you laugh or you cry Yep, and we're you
laugh or you cry Yep, and we'regoing to have more episodes on
those stories.
Okay, because they're worth it,absolutely.
For sure they are.
So thank you for joining metoday.
I really appreciate it and Ilook forward to future times
that you're able to join meAbsolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Anytime you'd like, as long as you give me Starbucks
and drive.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Always, I'm the gift giver.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
That bucks and drive Always.
I'm the gift giver.
That's right, and I love coffee.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I just like the tea, that's true.
Thank you guys so much forjoining us today and we look
forward to seeing you next time.
Thank you so much for watchingour three episodes on surviving
back to school.
The key points that we coveredwere staying positive, knowing
things are not going to go allright all the time, but that's
okay.
We've all survived going backto school and guess what?
So will our kids, and we willmove on and we will be good,
(26:08):
accept that there's gonna bestress, focus on the wins and
have grace for yourself, theschool staff, your children and
everyone involved in thisjourney.
Your most important tool isyour ability to laugh and find
the joys.
Thank you so much for watchingand listening and we look
forward to seeing you again.
Hi everyone, welcome back to the Special Parent
Podcast.
This is part three of adiscussion on back to school
with Shawna Fox.
If you missed parts one and two, please go to my webpage,
specialparentorg, and get caughtup there.
First, we continue talkingabout coping strategies to use
when surviving the start of theschool year.
Our discussion focuses onteaching our children and
(00:21):
ourselves how to move from anemotional brain to our logic
thinking brain.
As special needs parents, wewill have the same worries as
every parent out there and more.
Our focus is on our wins, ourwins, our kids' wins, everyone's
wins.
Part three is all aboutencouragement, empowering
ourselves and our children andcreating the wins in every day.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
We wanted to tell the coping strategies and what
works for them.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yes, so because it might be the coloring, it might
be the music, it might be thethinking about something
different.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
There's so many different ways we can, and
honestly, using our you know ourmedia platforms, or using that
in a constructive way to say allright, so you can have 30
minutes more of doing thisbecause you made these great
choices.
Or sometimes, especially whenthey're games and stuff that are
logic based or music stuff, itwill move them from that middle
brain to their temporal lobe orto their frontal lobe and those
(01:33):
areas are so much stronger andbetter able to take care of us
in our decision making.
So, in teaching them that we'rereally honest with our kids and
with our students, we say I'mnot trying to manipulate you
right now.
I'm saying to you you are inyour middle brain and we need
you.
To you, let's, let's.
Which part of your brain wouldyou like to go to?
Do you want to do yourcerebellum?
(01:55):
Do you want to go jump rope?
Yeah, what do you want to do?
Speaker 1 (01:58):
or we have that little hook game where it's like
they yes, they and it's andit's broken right now.
We got to get it fixed.
They like throw the hook atthis wall and some I've made it
once.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
I spent four times.
I spent like four to fiveminutes with it being swung at
my head this morning.
Did it connect?
Yeah, it did not connect oh,okay but the student was going.
I'm getting so close, miss soclose.
You're not even flinching Likeyou're a bad shot.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
You're like I have hope.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
But I think, and sometimes, when we're so
stressed out, when there'snothing else you can do, the
best thing to do is to look andgo.
I am so stressed out, are youstressed out?
And if you like to dance, throwon an awesome upbeat song and
dance it out.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I used to do that in the car on the way to school.
I'd throw on something and we'dget.
Of course I was trying to driveat the same time.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Yes, we made it everywhere safe.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
But you know just that upbeat dance music and it
just it kind of just took usaway from the stress of it.
You and your temporal lobe, yes, and filled my brain with all
the good of it.
You and your temporal lobe, yes, and filled my brain with all
the good chemicals it's supposedto have.
So when I did get to school,even though I still felt that
anxious anxiety feeling, itwasn't as strong, and I felt
empowered to kind of pushthrough it, to just kind of go
(03:17):
ahead, and usually really whatit comes down to, especially
with starting school, is gettingpast that first day or that
first getting out of the car.
If we can get past that,normally everything else just
kind of starts to happen.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
It's also been.
My youngest son started histeaching career this week his
first-time teacher, oh my goshand he sent a picture today of
this beautiful bagel sandwichfrom a restaurant out by his
school Mm-hmm.
And he said all week I was sostressed out and I just kept
thinking on Thursday you'regetting that bagel sandwich.
(03:55):
At some point in time this weekI will be in a non-stress
bubble.
And me and that sandwich are allthat matter, yeah it's going to
be OK, and even though it'ssomething simple, to give them
something beyond.
With my nieces it's been hey,but on Saturday we're going to
go swimming.
(04:15):
So just project yourself tothinking towards that, because
our brains get stuck in the hereand now and that first week can
be so intimidating, and notonly for our children but for us
, I definitely think, forspecial needs moms.
Sometimes we might be even moreanxious Because we've got all
the thoughts.
(04:35):
Yes, we're trying to take of the17 things, and I'm going to
tell you right now from theperspective of a teacher,
especially a teacher that'sworking with students with
exceptional needs.
I have all the mercy in theworld for parents on those first
few weeks.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Yeah, it's so rough just to sometimes get them there
, get them to have the rightstuff, right?
I say and I know you say thistoo because, again, our supply
list is come, just get themthere.
However it comes, it's fine,absolutely.
It's really okay If they didnot brush their teeth the first
(05:11):
couple of days.
I know we all go, but it's okay.
If that's what we had to giveup, or if they didn't get their
hair brushed on that first,that's just fine, that's okay.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
And if and if that becomes something that's long,
long term, then we say you knowwhat?
we're going to.
We're going to send them alittle bag with a brush and a
toothbrush in it and we as aschool are going to give them a
moment in time where we put thatexpectation in place.
We just take the things thatare stressors towards us for
(05:41):
that and just relinquish them.
It's not.
My mom always says to.
I have a niece that isprofoundly on the spectrum and
she'll always say Sarah, it'snot the end of the world.
And so Sarah has her phrasesthat she repeats them mostly
that we don't like, like whenshe calls me Chewy Butt Neck,
but she says Shauna's Chewy ButtNeck.
(06:04):
But it makes her laugh.
It does, it makes her laugh andshe giggles, and then we all
giggle Well yeah, I laugh at itBecause you don't have a choice.
I laugh at a lot of things thatmost people don't, but just to
have that second, that thing andto just lay it down, okay, you
know what I would love for youto go to school with your hair
cute and your teeth brushed, butif not, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
And if you got the wins every year.
I think, if we can just findthe win sometimes, that's what I
really have to focus on is,instead of focusing on what
didn't happen, we have to focuson what did.
What did happen today, what didhappen in this moment, what did
happen before they went, and ifwe can focus on that.
Sometimes that's the feedbackwhen we give the teacher after
the first week of school hey, wehad these great wins.
Still working on a few things.
(06:53):
Can you help me out, like if itis a toothbrush thing or
whatever it is we did have.
I remember we did have a studentthat we had like hair supplies
and deodorant at school and whenhe got to school he just went
into the staff bathroom areawhere it was private and other
students wouldn't see him, andjust because I don't know why he
didn't do it at home, momdidn't either, but it worked,
(07:15):
and so it's the way of makingthe student comfortable, helping
the parents just overcome theseobstacles, and I think that if
you can find a team that workswith and start talking to other
parents, they have great ideasabout it and I want to encourage
parents not to catastrophizethe first few days.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yeah, because we know our child is nervous.
We're nervous.
So if they came home and theymisread a situation, or they
rightly read a situation, andthey're saying something, and
then we are like that is notgoing down, I'm calling the
teacher tomorrow.
And now this child's going backknowing that their teacher is
going to get called and they'recalling me.
I would say, on those issues,as much as you possibly can,
(07:58):
unless it's, you know, a majorissue, but even maybe not let
your child know, not let yourchild know and just say OK, well
, you know what, we're going towork it out.
We're going to work it outGiving them that confidence.
We're going to work it out.
You're so awesome for stillsticking around and not, you
didn't melt down at that, that'sawesome.
So what do you think we can dotomorrow to make it better?
(08:21):
Besides me, you know talkingand we'll find ways, but to not
catastrophize understanding thattheir brains might be.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
They might be catastrophizing.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
So we have to, as parents, model how not to do
that and model how to relax or,like you were saying, nope,
we're just going to handle thatwhen inside you're going oh my
gosh, but you're going to havethat as a separate conversation
or phone call or whatever thatthe child doesn't know about.
So the child thinks tomorrow,oh, everything's going to be
okay, cause my mom said it'sgoing to be fine, right?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
So it's going to be fine, and and if it happens
again, then we'll hear it out.
You know, I had an incidentwhere, um, there was a
substitute teacher and she hadmade my son eat, Um, and he was
on a very particular schedulewhen he ate and he couldn and he
did not eat at lunchtime withthe other students and all the
(09:16):
staff knew that, they knew whathis eating schedule was, but the
sub didn't, and she made himeat and then he took his
chocolate milk and opened hismouth and just drooled it all
down the front of him like theadorable little prince that he
is.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Well, he made his point point.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
He did make his point and then I got a phone call a
week later from the staff askingme to please make sure that my
son wears clean clothes toschool.
And I was mortified because Iwas like my kids are always I
lay out their clothes and Ispend way too much time on the
clearance racks at Ross.
(09:54):
That boy is well-dressed.
Well then I found out that thatgot him so stuck and he
wouldn't talk about it with me.
He was hiding that chocolatemilk rotted shirt in his
backpack or in the laundry roomand he would change into it on
the bus.
So for over a week he wore thatsame shirt, never washed, never
(10:15):
washed with this rotting milkand then would go and just stare
at the ladies the nice ladiesin the cafeteria, because they
were part of this nightmare that, even though they weren't in
his mind exactly very much were,and so from both sides of that,
they could have overreacted andsaid what is this mom even
doing with their child's life?
And I could have overreacted andsaid why is this teacher making
(10:39):
him?
We have very clear medicalstuff on paper.
But it wasn't.
It was a sub that didn't knowbetter.
She didn't have a note, itwould never happen again.
It didn't happen again, right.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
And that's part of the stress of going back to
school is we know that our kidshopefully get you know a great
staff that get to know them.
But there's going to be a subat some point and the idea of
how is that going to benavigated for some of our kids
that do have these unique needsand they're triggered by things
that a sub is not going to thinkis triggering because it's
normal everyday thing for mostpeople.
(11:12):
It's not for that child andit's triggering for them.
One of our family traditions Iguess you could call it is the
first day of school we always goout for ice cream afterward.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
You don't even have to eat your dinner that night, I
mean my kids usually come homeravished and they're like
stuffing their faces anyways.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
But that's not a requirement for ice cream that
day.
We just we go out to ice creamafter school and first day of
school.
That's what we do, and this wasthe first year that one child
had a different first day ofschool than the other two.
Well, guess what?
We had two ice cream nightsBecause there was no way I was
(11:51):
going to tell one child youcan't have any ice cream and
then tell the other two you getice cream, it is your first day,
yeah, well and so.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
But even little things like that, it can be okay
.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
So we, we don't know why chocolate milk made me think
of that because rotten dairyproducts?
Speaker 2 (12:10):
um, it can be simple, as you had a great first day.
Great first day means we'regoing to the park and you are
going to go down that slide andget all of your energy out and
then come tell me some sort ofreward, something beyond that
stressor that they can think to.
Maybe for some of them theyjust want to go home and zone
out now on the couch and wonder.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
you know what life is .
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Maybe they need to sleep.
Yes, it's exhausting.
Whatever it is, that is areward to their reward system
that says you've done well, dothat.
And I would encourage, not justthat first day but at the end
of that first week as well.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You know another topic that we, as special
educators and special needs moms, see tackling every year
transportation.
Food Seems to never get itright on the first day.
Either they completely misspicking up your child the
paperwork's not done, they can'tfind the paperwork or, because
(13:09):
they're a transfer student, thetransportation's not even set up
yet, and that is a paperworkprocess that takes days and, I
hate to say, weeks for sometimes, but I've seen it take
that long.
You have too.
So, as a parent who's having tonavigate, I have to get to work
, I have other kids, whateverelse, how do we handle this
transportation, or even theanticipation of the stress of it
(13:29):
?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
I'm going to start with very unrealistic and
unpopular opinion and that isgoing to be.
There are years that I tookthat first day half of the day
off to just take my child toschool and to pick them up or
arrange with my husband to pickthem up, to take that one less
stressor off of them and myself,and obviously not everybody's
(13:53):
in that situation.
But again, sometimes we justsay we've got so much new
happening in this day, we'regoing to do school new today,
we're going to do transportationnew starting tomorrow.
We'll see.
If you're not able to be in asituation to do that, I would be
very proactive with making suremost schools now have the
(14:15):
software where you can go andlook that their bus information
is on that.
I would make sure that it isthere and if not I would kindly
and nicely call the office andif so go see them.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
As they say, you get more bees with honey.
So it is.
And transportation isnotoriously known for right not
being the most receptive rightit is a totally different entity
it is all part of the sameschool, but it but it's not it's
on a different property.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
It's got a different government governance and
management style.
Everything's different.
So to call and attack andangrily pursue this, um, I don't
think that's going to get yourchild or you what you want.
It's going to end up being morestressful.
There is an expectation ofsafety with our kiddos.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
So, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
That's something that just has to be done.
My daughter had to be switchedfrom her bus because she knocked
out a 11 year old boy.
She also was 11 because shesaid hi to him every morning on
the bus and he did not notrespond to her, even though he
was nonverbal.
She did not understand that.
(15:26):
Right, that did not comprehendfor her One day.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Their two disabilities did not go well
together.
Go well together.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
And that's the challenge, because if they're on
specialized transportation,usually there'll be two or three
children on there.
There'll be two or threechildren on there.
And the other thing you alsowant to make sure is if my child
is the last pickup or the firstpickup.
I don't want them to be on abus every day for an hour, hour
and a half, before or afterschool.
Yeah, that's too much, so youwant to know what those
(15:54):
schedules look like.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Yeah, that's really important.
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Those are the times where I'm the annoying parent
and I'm going to call them.
Yeah, we're going to figure itout, yeah, we've got to figure
this out, because it's not rightfor my child to go through that
.
And maybe to have something,depending on the age, like a
little squishable keychain or afidget or something that they
can have with them for the busyes, or a comfort item, a
(16:19):
comfort item for the bus?
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Yeah, because the bus can be calming, just that move.
I mean, how many times did weput our kid, when they were car
seat age, in the car and drive,just so they would go to sleep
for a while and so the bus canbe moving, but for other kids it
can be completely overwhelmingor I mean we're here in arizona
and it's happened where it's 113and the ac is broken on the bus
(16:41):
.
There is is zero way that busride's comfortable.
You're in a metal tube, yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
And it's not a dry heat.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
in August we have humidity in August.
You got 113 plus the humidity,and I don't care how many times
you put those little windowsdown.
Speaker 2 (16:54):
You're just blowing a furnace on you.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
And so it can be super overwhelming for our kids.
So we have to, like you said,give them a comfort, give them
an item send them a littletravel size spray bottle with
water in it yes and say yep,this is for afterschool.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
So only use this on the bus and hope you know.
Of course my son would havedismantled it and buried it
somewhere in the backyard, butstill, whatever.
Whatever it is is something oreven like a bandana that they
can get wet in the waterfountain and wrap it around
their neck.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Let me be clear Back of the neck, yes, back of the
neck.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
You might want to show us how to do that or teach
them to use like their littleice pack in their lunchbox.
They can take it and put it ontheir Vegas, anything like that
to help.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
That's a great idea.
I didn't think about that.
It sounds like the main or keything that we keep talking about
is we as parents.
It's us staying positive.
It's us kind of preparingourselves for this and talking
to other special needs parents,getting ideas and, yes, it's
super stressful.
But if we stay ahead of thegame, stay ahead of what the
system's asking of us, we'restill going to miss something.
(18:03):
Absolutely every year I missedsomething.
In fact, last year my one sondidn't get a yearbook.
Thankfully he was my youngest.
Who was like what am I gonna?
Speaker 2 (18:10):
do with it.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
I was like, okay, I took a sharpie, they signed my
shirt yeah I'm fine, he was likeoh so, but I swear I ordered
that yearbook.
Yeah right, I was combingthrough all the nope I didn't
order that one but again.
Three different schools, threedifferent yearbooks.
Apparently, in my mind, Iordered it.
So all that bad.
And you order at the beginningof the school year for all, for
(18:32):
two of my kids, not for thethird.
So that's why.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Right, it's the to-do list and I would encourage you
to look at it like this.
And I would encourage you tolook at it like this Brace
myself, the first week there'sgoing to be glitches.
Stuff's going to fall throughthe cracks there's going to be.
My child may very welldemonstrate the extreme meltdown
(18:56):
version of where they're at, orthe hardest, or the most
anxiety, or the biggestintroversion.
I'm going to prepare thatthat's going to happen.
Or the biggest introversion I'mgoing to prepare that that's
going to happen and I am goingto determine and have a little
to-do list options in my headthat if this rolls out, I'm
going to do it.
But they're going to seepositivity from me and if at
night you plunk your head downon your pillow and you've had a
(19:18):
kiddo that got to school, stayedthe day, got home and they're
relatively safe and happy, thenthat was a win.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
We're going to try again tomorrow, and if you need
to cry in that pillow, you goright ahead.
I've done plenty of thosenights.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
You drop them off at school, you cry.
They get on the bus you cry.
You go home you cry.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
And then I just blame it on allergies.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
That's what I do, that's my healthy coping
strategy.
I got mascara in my eyeball, sojust accept that this is a high
stress week for everybody, evenstuff that is really minor,
that most weeks wouldn't evenhit our radar.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
And the key thing is, we all got through it when we
were younger.
We're going to get through itas adults and as parents and
they're going to get through ittoo, and really for the 99% of
the things that are going tohappen, whether they're good or
they're bad, are still justgoing to happen and be gone.
And the next day is a new dayand the next week is a new week
and pretty soon you're lookingin Arizona.
(20:18):
We get October break, so it'sgoing to be okay, just like you
tell your kid it's going to beokay, but in your mind it's a
catastrophe.
It really is going to be okay,we're going to get through this
too.
We're going to get through it,and next year we're going to do
it again Pull up, that's right.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Take out old pictures and say look, this was your
first day of kindergarten.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Look grade, Look at all these first days that you
have absolutely just conquered.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Yes, I love that you're empowering them to just
another first day for my highschoolers this year.
I had them, as an exercise thefirst day, do a timeline of
their hair, the first day ofschool, as far back as they can
remember till now, and I wasjust really trying to ground
them to say hey, look, and I'vesaid OK, so this is your ninth
first day, this is your 10thfirst day, especially for my
(21:05):
freshmen to get in here.
You've done this before.
I know it all feels really new,but you've done this before and
even with that horrible haircut, even with this horrible
haircut, you're killing it, kid,you're doing great.
You're killing it, kid, you'redoing great.
Just to find ways to assurethem hey, we might, it might be,
(21:27):
this whole day might be notyour best first day, that's okay
.
You had others that were greatand you'll have another one.
And guess what?
Tomorrow, your second day canbe different, exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:35):
Maybe your second day will be amazing.
Today was our third day ofschool and it was picture day
and I did everything.
And Chromebook day, oh, andChromebook day and all the days
it was like well, let's justthrow it all in one day, put it
all together.
Yeah, so that way teachers canjust say don't teach this day
Exactly.
And we worked on my son's hairthis morning, but when we took
(21:56):
his, his picture, there was apiece that was like so my son
has this beautiful swoop of hairwith like a, he's got a sail up
, he's got great calic, and andthere is he does.
There is just no hiding that,no.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
so he's got his hair waving you, and so you should
get all those pictures and linethem up and do like a
topographic map of his calicyears how it's shifted and I
love that.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
That's the key thing to special needs parenting, I
think, is just being able tolook back and laugh and laugh
and just take a deep breathsometimes and realize you are
getting through all of thisyou're surviving and if you, if
you're, if you're listening tous, you're trying to learn
because you love your kid, yep,so you're doing it right.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
I mean, that's, that's really what we're doing,
right we're?
We're waking up every day.
This is new.
Most of us did not go intoparenting understanding that we
would be parenting differentlyabled children, right, that
sometimes our highs and lowswould look different, and so
(22:58):
most of the time, we have thisparenting archetype of how it
was done, based on how ourparents parented us, how our
grandparents and it doesn't work.
Yeah, it doesn't, the rulesdon't apply or they have to look
different because my child hasdifferent needs.
Yeah, so I say all the timewhen I tell stories and I'll
(23:19):
think it's hilarious, and then Isee groups of mortified people
like you, buried all thecalculators in your backyard.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
And I'm like, yeah, that's funny.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
How's that not awesome, Like someday some
archeologist is going to comearound and say we don't know
what was going on in this partof the state.
There are a lot of backs toremote controls here, Right and
so.
But you laugh or you cry.
Am I okay that my son isstealing?
No but he's a kleptomaniac.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
And it's not that you're not working on it.
So here we go.
First day of school, we'reworking on all these things.
First week of school.
We're going to get through it,but at the end, just take a deep
breath.
You're surviving every day andlearn to laugh at those things
because they are going to beminuscule and funny stories.
Right, that's right.
And just know that becauseyou're working on it, you're
already succeeding.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
Exactly so.
You are, you're loving, you areloving your baby enough to
realize that they have uniqueneeds.
It's so much easier and moredifficult at the same time to
fall back on the archetypes andto say well, my parents, if I
did that, my parents would havewell, my aunt.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
And even still, you still hear that in culture and I
will tell you that from familymembers yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
And so do I, and so would I.
And then you know it was like,oh, oh, you've got all the
answers, okay.
Well, here's a three-year-oldfrom a Bulgarian orphanage.
See what you can do, right?
And now I'm 27 years later andhe's still giving me wet willies
with his knee sweat.
So things just look differentand it's not easy.
(25:03):
It's uncomfortable as a parent,it's uncomfortable as a teacher
, to not fit the norm, right,right, when we have kids that
are outliers, that's difficult.
But gosh, you just love them.
And I have the crazy storiesthat my babies have given me.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
And again you laugh or you cry Yep, and we're you
laugh or you cry Yep, and we'regoing to have more episodes on
those stories.
Okay, because they're worth it,absolutely.
For sure they are.
So thank you for joining metoday.
I really appreciate it and Ilook forward to future times
that you're able to join meAbsolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Anytime you'd like, as long as you give me Starbucks
and drive.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Always, I'm the gift giver.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
That bucks and drive Always.
I'm the gift giver.
That's right, and I love coffee.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I just like the tea, that's true.
Thank you guys so much forjoining us today and we look
forward to seeing you next time.
Thank you so much for watchingour three episodes on surviving
back to school.
The key points that we coveredwere staying positive, knowing
things are not going to go allright all the time, but that's
okay.
We've all survived going backto school and guess what?
So will our kids, and we willmove on and we will be good,
(26:08):
accept that there's gonna bestress, focus on the wins and
have grace for yourself, theschool staff, your children and
everyone involved in thisjourney.
Your most important tool isyour ability to laugh and find
the joys.
Thank you so much for watchingand listening and we look
forward to seeing you again.
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