How can you empower friendships for children with special needs and make their social interactions more enriching? On this episode of the Special Parent Podcast, Dr. Deanna Iverson guides you through the intricate journey of building meaningful relationships for special needs children. You'll learn how explaining meltdowns and unexpected behaviors in relatable terms can foster empathy and understanding among peers. Discover effective strategies to prevent fear and teasing, and how to encourage other children to seek help and view different behaviors with compassion. Your response as a parent plays a pivotal role in shaping how others perceive and interact with your child, and this episode provides actionable insights to help you navigate these challenges.
Developing patience and understanding is crucial in nurturing friendships, especially when special needs are involved. Dr. Iverson discusses ways to teach children patience, such as encouraging questions and creating proactive action plans. Emphasizing the importance of respecting differences while highlighting similarities, this episode is a treasure trove of strategies to build strong, healthy relationships. We also touch upon coping mechanisms for when family and friends distance themselves, transforming this emotional journey into a learning opportunity. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation aimed at creating an inclusive environment of respect, empathy, and mutual support.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This program is made possible by friends and partners
of the Special Parent Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I believe that empowering parents of special
needs children is like givingthem the superpower of
unconditional love andunbreakable determination.
They are not just parents, theyare true champions, shaping a
bright future for theirincredible children.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'mglad you're here.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'mglad you're here.
(00:30):
Have you ever wanted to helpother friends and family members
, learn to be friends with yourchild who has special needs?
When we have a child who hasunique needs, it's sometimes
hard for them to createfriendships, and that's the
question we're going to tackletoday on the Special Parent
Podcast.
Welcome, I'm Dr Deanna Iversonand I'm so glad you're here to
(00:50):
join me today.
Our goal as parents when itcomes to friendship is to help
strengthen the interactions withfriends and family around us
and around our children.
I've heard many discussionsbetween parents where they'll
talk about you know there's adisabled child in my child's
classroom or in our family or inmy neighborhood, and I want to
(01:13):
know how I can help my child bemore friendly.
Sometimes, maybe, we'reuncomfortable or my child
doesn't know how to respond tosomething, and I really wish
that there was a way that Icould help my own child know how
to respond to something, and Ireally wish that there was a way
that I could help my own child.
So, as special needs parents,we have a unique challenge and
task that's put on us, and partof that is to help other people.
We can learn to help otherpeople with how to develop
(01:37):
relationships and friendshipsthat are unique in nature.
I have the blessing of beingable to read this book called
Becoming Brave Together, and somany of the parents talk about
the importance of buildingfriendship into family and being
able to get together withpeople that understand and can
work with their child.
Sometimes people have a heartand want to do that.
(02:00):
We just have to guide them onhow to get there.
Because they want to do it,they just may not know exactly
what steps to take.
Before we became parents, weprobably imagined certain
circumstances or we had visionsof the way our family was going
to go, and when you have aspecial needs child, that vision
can change, and that's one ofthe things they address in
(02:23):
Becoming Brave Together is theyaddress how these changes are
something that we, as parents,can embrace and grow through and
grow with.
So today we're going to talkabout how we can help other
children, friends and familybecome friends with our child
with special needs.
This is going to be a two-partseries, so pay attention for the
(02:43):
second part.
This is part one.
First and foremost, we have tohelp other parents and other
children sometimes prepare forthe unexpected.
Of course, all relationshipshave unexpected twists and turns
.
However, when your child hasspecial needs, sometimes they
seem to be more alarming or morescary to other people,
(03:07):
especially to children.
So, for example, prepare yourchild for the unexpected.
Prepare a child that's going tobe friends with and play with
some of the special needs, thatsome of the behaviors might seem
a little odd or awkward, butthat's okay.
And how are we going to workwith it?
So, for example, there might bemeltdowns or tantrums when a
(03:29):
child that doesn't have specialneeds doesn't understand why
that's happening and they don'talways have to understand it.
So trying to explain it awaydoesn't always help another
child understand it Until we sayyou know what?
They just were feeling reallyoverwhelmed.
Have you felt overwhelmedbefore?
And they'll probably say, well,yeah, or have you felt super
(03:50):
stressed, or have you felt supersad.
So that's where that tantrumcame from and I know it kind of
took you off guard.
So this is the way we want tohandle it next time, and so we
can talk with kids through that.
It could be that they actuallybehaved inappropriately.
It could be that they said someunexpected things.
(04:11):
Oh, you heard them say that oract that way.
That would be super confusingfor you.
I can understand that.
So let's talk about how I wantyou to handle it next time
something like that happens.
One of the things we're doingthere is we are empowering other
children with the ability tohave an answer for something
that might seem strange.
(04:31):
To let them know that strangeis sometimes okay in certain
safe circumstances, and I'mgoing to empower you with a path
what to do when that behaviortakes place.
Other children can misunderstandreactions and that can also
induce teasing or fear.
So one of the things that wewant to do is, rather than try
to necessarily explain allactions away, we can just simply
(04:54):
say no, I understand why thataction is confusing to you.
However, what we can do is,instead of making fun of, we can
say you know how, sometimes,when we adults even don't
understand someone's behavior,we can just simply remove
ourself from the situation andgo ask someone else for help or
(05:16):
go talk about it with someonewho's trusted.
What we want to discourage themfrom doing is fear leads to
teasing.
We don't want to give into thatfear.
We don't want to give into thatfeeling of it's okay to see
this as weird and strange and weneed to stay away from this
child.
Nope, we're going to say, yeah,it's different than what we're
(05:38):
used to and expecting, but it'snothing to be afraid of and this
is how we're going to handle it.
But it's nothing to be afraidof and this is how we're going
to handle it.
Also, we want to help childrendevelop an understanding or an
attitude of what is happeningand not allowing a certain
circumstance or a behaviormeltdown, tantrum to actually
(05:59):
modify their opinion of theirfamily member or peer.
And that's going to happenbecause of how we as parents
respond to it.
So we can be in a communitywith other parents and be
teaching them and talking tothem about how they can work
with their child and let themknow yeah, it is for me, as a
parent, frustrating when mychild has that tantrum.
I know how that is.
(06:20):
Sometimes.
We always feel like we're neverout of those toddler years.
However, what I have found isthat when I work with my child
in this way, it really, reallyhelps.
And so sometimes again, thatempowering that gives someone
else a tactic or a tip,something they can use, a way
(06:40):
they can respond, and that helpsother parents as well, as then
their children learn to not seea singular behavior, even if
it's a repetitive behavior, asingular behavior change the
complete opinion of a wholechild and say, no, this child
still is loving, this childstill wants friends, this child
still wants that inside ache forjust belonging that we all have
(07:06):
, and so we can all help thathappen by the way that we
interact with that child and theway that we sometimes are
graceful and forgiving with someof those behaviors.
We as special needs parentsknow that we're constantly
working on those kinds of things.
But sometimes parents on theoutside don't see the work that
we're doing because we're notgoing.
For example, public punishmentis not always the best way,
(07:29):
right.
We do a lot of the work inprivate or with therapists or
with outside agencies or in-homebehavioral analysis, et cetera.
So they may not know what we'redoing and maybe it's a good
idea to explain it to them,maybe it's not.
You have to know your familyand friend group the best.
On that one.
(07:49):
I have explained it to somepeople and it's created this
deeper level of understandingand appreciation and respect for
what our family is goingthrough.
And then they're way moregraceful and willing to work
with our child and they explainto their child oh, you know what
?
This is something they'reworking on correcting.
You know how the other day youdid da-da-da-da-da and dad and I
said that was a bad idea.
This is the same thing.
(08:10):
They did this.
Their parents are going to talkto them about it.
So it gave those parents anopportunity to normalize a
behavior and say it's notsomething we need to be
concerned with, we just need tomove on the following ways but
I've also had situations whereI've explained what everything
we're going through and I've hadpeople say, well, either that's
(08:32):
not enough, they come from aplace of lack of understanding
on that one, obviously.
But I've also had people then becritical of it.
Well, why would you do thattherapy?
Or why did you think that wouldwork?
Or did you think that was awaste of money?
So it's the opposite ofsupportive, it's more critical.
Or you tell them you've been intherapy and they say well then,
(08:55):
you should have known thisbehavior was going to happen.
Why didn't you protect thegroup you were around today, or
the kids at the playground fromhaving to have your child see
this meltdown?
And so you have to know yourfriendship group, and sometimes
you learn that through,unfortunately, the hard knocks.
(09:17):
But as you get to know who aregoing to be your friends that
become your family and yourfamily that stick with you, this
is one of those ways you can doit.
Do I explain it to them and arethey going to be receptive?
Or when I explain it, are theynot?
So that's one of the hardthings we have to juggle as
parents.
If you have any questions aboutthat, reach out to me.
No-transcript.
(09:40):
All right, so back to what wewere talking about.
We can help prepare the childfor the unexpected behavior of a
special needs child.
Another thing we can do is wecan help them understand and
recognize limitations.
All human beings havelimitations.
We know that, but sometimes wetend to forget it and we expect
(10:01):
out of others things that theycan't give.
This can happen in specialneeds relationships also.
So when we recognize thelimitations of children with
special needs, what we're doingis we are saying, okay, you are
going to play with Jimmy, andJimmy is unable to play in a
(10:21):
certain way because of aphysical need or a sensory need
or whatever it is, and so we tryto explain that to the child,
not over explain it, becausewe're talking to children and we
don't want to overwhelm themwith things.
That maybe gets them moreconfused and just feel
uncomfortable being around theother child.
But we can say, hey, here aretheir limitations, here are
(10:43):
certain conditions that you needto be aware of that we can.
And we can say, hey, here aretheir limitations, here are
certain conditions that you needto be aware of that we can and
we can't do.
And then we follow that up with.
But here are some reallyamazing things that we are going
to do and this is how we aregoing to have fun with Jimmy.
It's okay to see limitations.
There's nothing wrong withpointing them out.
When we point them out inothers, we should be fair and
(11:05):
teach our children to recognizesome in ourselves.
And then what we say is we thenwere put on this earth to work
as a team together.
None of us are intended to besolo.
We are always better togetherwhen we give other people grace
for their limitations, becauseour strengths are going to help
(11:25):
them and their strengths aregoing to help us.
So one of the things that we dowith that is we say all right,
for example, my older son takesmy middle son, who has special
needs, more severe needs, takeshim playing baseball with his
friends and he just set up withhis friends ahead of time hey
(11:49):
guys, we want to have a fourthperson or a sixth person I don't
remember how many it was toplay with us.
My brother loves this sport,but he's got some physical
limitations.
So since we're just going outthere to have a good time and
play, I'd like to bring himalong.
It would mean a lot to him.
We just sometimes have toremember that maybe he can't
throw the ball as far or run asfast because of some of his
physical limitations.
(12:09):
We may have to help himremember how to get around the
baseball field or those kinds ofthings.
And my older son's friends werelike, yeah, that's cool, that's
fine, and now this is somethingthat they do frequently.
And it was only that waybecause my older son decided to
just reach out to his friendshipgroup and say, hey, for this
(12:29):
circumstance, I'm bringing mybrother, and they accepted him.
And now our middle son feelsreally accepted and really a
part of that community and hefeels like he has friends that
are older you know oldersiblings, in a sense, to look up
to.
He's got a part of thatcommunity and he feels like he
has friends that are older youknow older siblings, in a sense,
to look up to.
He's got a bunch of those olderkids that he can look up to.
And that was because it wasokay to talk about limitations,
(12:54):
because we all have them and wenormalize the fact that
limitations are the reason weneed to grow in community
together, so that wayeverybody's strengths can
combine together to overcomesome limitations and we can all
grow stronger through that.
All right.
Another thing we have to teachpatience.
Patience is something that isreally hard to do.
(13:17):
We as parents struggle with itso much.
Oh my gosh, I know that I do,and so can you imagine it's hard
enough to get a child to justwait five minutes when they want
to do something and they'reantsy and they're dancing, but
now you're going to ask them tobe patient with another child.
But it is such a wonderfulgrowing opportunity so it can
(13:37):
take longer for that peer orthat family member with special
needs.
It can take longer for them tolearn a skill or a task or to
adopt a new behavior.
So if we just teach patienceand the importance of repetition
sometimes to other children Iknow you've said that three or
four times You're probably gonnahave to say it three or four
more.
However, think of how much morefun you're gonna have once we
(13:58):
finally get there and thenreward them for the patience.
I see that you have reallytried four times.
It's okay to take a break.
Let's take a break.
And here's a Hershey's kiss orhere's something that maybe will
mean something to them.
Here's a sticker, or maybe forthem it's just simply that
praise and that big hug and howproud you are of them.
(14:18):
So if we can teach them patience, part of that patience is
saying that it is okay forchildren to ask questions.
They fear what they don'tunderstand.
We all do.
We all fear what we don'tunderstand.
So let's create anunderstanding rather than foster
a fear.
So it's okay for them to askquestions.
(14:39):
It's okay to develop an actionplan when interacting with a
peer or family member and sayinghey, I see that you struggle in
this area, because when you'replaying with Jimmy, I don't know
why I picked Jimmy today.
Sorry to any Jimmys out there.
When you're playing with Jimmy,you struggle in this area and I
(15:01):
know that you're just going tobe stronger by overcoming it.
I'm super proud of you for eventrying.
So what we're going to do is,when you start noticing your
struggle, we're going to takethe following steps and you can
walk them through, creating anaction plan.
Again, that empowering when wedo not fear something because we
have a greater understandingfor it, because we know we are
(15:22):
safe to ask questions about it,because we know we are safe to
respectfully say hey, I noticedthey can't do that.
Okay, all right, let's talkabout why they can't, or let's
figure out a way then that wecan work around that inability.
When we can do that, we createrespectful boundaries, healthy
boundaries that benefit bothchildren and then therefore
(15:46):
benefit both families.
So when we create these openspaces for children to
communicate with us as thespecial needs parent, without
any fear, or with their parentto parent, without any fear of
feeling like I didn't want totalk to you about it because I
didn't know how you wouldrespond if I said I don't think
(16:06):
your child can do this, when wecreate the open communication
style, we are creatingsituations where we can build
strong relationships and havegood relationships with both
friends and family, and friendsthat can become family.
Another thing to start teachingchildren when they're really
young all children is everyoneis unique.
(16:28):
We are all different in our ownways.
We all have strengths, we allhave challenges and some
differences are just morenoticeable than others and some
of them aren't noticeable untilthey're to notice an explosion
of a behavior.
For a child that appears to bedoing things I hate the word
normal, but normal in this caseand to other children it's
(16:50):
startling but that's okaybecause it's unique.
So we talk about safety andsituations and we talk about
embracing those differences,finding a common ground, saying
to a child without special needsyou're right, that is different
than you see in some of yourother friends and then a lot of
your other friends, and thatdifference does make things more
(17:12):
challenging in these ways.
Now let's talk about some ofthe things you guys really like
to do together and those areways that you can grow your
friendship.
Remember, not all friends aregreat for all situations and
children can learn that at ayoung age.
They can learn that they'regoing to have some friends that
maybe they go outside and playsports with, and other friends
(17:34):
that they stay inside and playvideo games with, and some
friends that might like to playchess, and some friends that
might like to do puzzles, andsome friends that might like to
color, and it's okay for them tovary what they do depending on
who that they're with, andthat's what teaching everyone is
unique is about.
Special needs or specialabilities fall in that category,
(17:54):
and so we can teach it, justlike we can teach someone who is
a sports person versus someonewho is more really enjoys to
read and do puzzles.
Those are unique abilities, andspecial unique abilities is
just a different category, andso if we can normalize that for
children, that will help all ofthem along.
Focus on similarities that's akey one.
(18:16):
So we really need to focus onways that kids can be similar,
and I think I've mentioned thata couple of times already.
Since we all are unique, wehave family and friends for
different reasons and differentseasons.
Sometimes we need a friend tojust be there and listen and
hold us while we completely letout an emotion Maybe that's
(18:36):
crying, maybe that's anger orwhatever it is and then they're
going to be the friend that'slike all right.
Well, now that you got that out, what are you going to do with
it?
And they're really straight upand forward.
Or you might need that friendthat afterward just kind of is
like I got you, let's go on awalk, let's be in nature, let's.
Some friends are going to saylet's go catch a cocktail.
You know, everyone's got theirway of dealing with things.
(18:57):
Focus on those similarities andteach your kids.
Just like you have friends fordifferent seasons and reasons,
so can they.
Focusing on those similaritieswill teach them to connect with
peers and family members withspecial needs.
And again, unique experiences,unique abilities are found in
everybody and so if we focus onsimilarities, sometimes we take
(19:21):
the focus off what they can't doand put it on what they can do
and how they can be a goodfriend to us too.
It is okay to set up specifictimes for interactions.
Setting up specific timeswithout expecting your child to
always invite every friend toevery event is okay.
And saying, in fact we had thissituation A friend had a
(19:45):
birthday party and our one sonwasn't invited because of what
was going on at the birthdayparty and the group of people.
But then that same friend said,hey, we're gonna do this other
party, but then the next daywe'd love to have you guys over.
And they planned somethingspecial for my son with special
needs to be able to still havefun with his friend, who was in
(20:06):
a normal friend group for themost part.
But my son still felt veryincluded, very much wanted as a
friend, and for him it didn'tmatter that there were separate
parties, it just mattered thathe was part of one.
And so when we talk to themabout hey, I understand that
there's a birthday party comingup and I know that you didn't
send an invite to Jimmy Sorryagain to Jimmy's out there.
(20:30):
I was hoping maybe we could gettogether and have some special
time for our kids, because yourchild's friendship means so much
to my child and we want to say,well, I shouldn't have to say
that, well, maybe you shouldn't,but maybe you should, because,
again, part of our uniquechallenge is helping other
(20:50):
families and other children andeven other adults learn how to
work with people that have somespecial, unique abilities.
Finally, for today, remind yourchild that everyone needs
family and friends, and I'msaying remind this of a child
that doesn't have special needswhen they look out in that world
and they're champing along andthey're doing things on that
(21:13):
normalized spectrum.
Teach them to start being awareof children that maybe aren't
fitting that normalized spectrumand remind them everybody has a
unique desire within theirheart to have family and friends
and to belong.
So even those who cannotconnect through good
communication, maybe they'renonverbal, maybe they struggle
(21:37):
with eye contact, they stilllong for acceptance and friends.
And when we teach everyone elseout there to look for that and
to remind them that every humandeserves to feel part of a
loving family and peer group, weare growing a network and a
community of people that aregoing to support each other for
a lifetime.
So another example I have.
(21:58):
So another example I have.
So I have three sons.
My middle son is the one withthe rare genetic abnormality and
his younger brother and himhave a friend in common.
And I'll be honest, and I thinkwe've all seen this three can
be a crowd.
No matter who you are right, nomatter who we are, three can be
(22:19):
a crowd.
The friend at first was mymiddle son's friend because
their ages are similar and then,as the unique abilities and the
special needs started to be alittle more prominent.
The friend gravitated towardsmy younger son.
So what we have started tonotice is that, yes, the friend
(22:42):
does get along better with myyounger son because they're both
neurotypical.
So we have to and we, being themoms and I, the mom and I
specifically sometimes, yeah,all three of them get together
and we just help them workthrough their drama and working
through their relationships,which, honestly, is what we do
with all children.
But we do schedule special timewhen my youngest is not part of
(23:06):
the party it's not a party, butyou know what I mean not part
of the group that day and myspecial needs son and his buddy
get to hang out.
And that mom is very, very,very good at making sure to plan
events and know what is neededand we sometimes even have to
plan just blocks of time andshe's really good at just saying
(23:27):
, okay, we're going to set thisaside for tea and my son and
they're going to do thisspecific thing.
And my son always feelsappreciated by his friend and
included by his friend.
Even on the days when thethree's a crowd, I still remind
him hey, you're going to getsome special time at some point
in the future, and that alwayslifts his spirits.
So thank you to my friend outthere.
(23:49):
I appreciate you.
We have just one thing I want tosay we can change the world
here.
We have an opportunity.
We can change the world.
One child, we have anopportunity.
We can change the world.
One child, one mom, one dad ata time.
We have to be graceful in ourteachings.
We have to be forgiving ofothers because they don't know
(24:11):
how to navigate this probablyany better than we do, and we're
still making it up as we goalong half the time.
Right, moms, we have to havecompassion for others as well as
compassion for ourselves.
We have to be just willing togive grace and give another
chance.
When people decide to step outand don't want to be a part of
our family and friend group,that's their loss and as much as
(24:34):
that hurts us and our children,we can help them learn and grow
through it also and teach themthat at that point we say thank
you, god for the opportunity tolearn this lesson, for the good
times that we did have, and helpme focus on where my future
sights should go.
Thank you so much for joiningme and look for the second half
of this podcast on how can wehelp other children and family
(24:58):
friends be friends with myspecial needs child.
Have a great day everybody.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
This program is made possible by friends and partners
of the Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
This program is made possible by friends and partners
of the Special Parent Podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
I believe that empowering parents of special
needs children is like givingthem the superpower of
unconditional love andunbreakable determination.
They are not just parents, theyare true champions, shaping a
bright future for theirincredible children.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'mglad you're here.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'mglad you're here.
(00:30):
Have you ever wanted to helpother friends and family members
, learn to be friends with yourchild who has special needs?
When we have a child who hasunique needs, it's sometimes
hard for them to createfriendships, and that's the
question we're going to tackletoday on the Special Parent
Podcast.
Welcome, I'm Dr Deanna Iversonand I'm so glad you're here to
(00:50):
join me today.
Our goal as parents when itcomes to friendship is to help
strengthen the interactions withfriends and family around us
and around our children.
I've heard many discussionsbetween parents where they'll
talk about you know there's adisabled child in my child's
classroom or in our family or inmy neighborhood, and I want to
(01:13):
know how I can help my child bemore friendly.
Sometimes, maybe, we'reuncomfortable or my child
doesn't know how to respond tosomething, and I really wish
that there was a way that Icould help my own child know how
to respond to something, and Ireally wish that there was a way
that I could help my own child.
So, as special needs parents,we have a unique challenge and
task that's put on us, and partof that is to help other people.
We can learn to help otherpeople with how to develop
(01:37):
relationships and friendshipsthat are unique in nature.
I have the blessing of beingable to read this book called
Becoming Brave Together, and somany of the parents talk about
the importance of buildingfriendship into family and being
able to get together withpeople that understand and can
work with their child.
Sometimes people have a heartand want to do that.
(02:00):
We just have to guide them onhow to get there.
Because they want to do it,they just may not know exactly
what steps to take.
Before we became parents, weprobably imagined certain
circumstances or we had visionsof the way our family was going
to go, and when you have aspecial needs child, that vision
can change, and that's one ofthe things they address in
(02:23):
Becoming Brave Together is theyaddress how these changes are
something that we, as parents,can embrace and grow through and
grow with.
So today we're going to talkabout how we can help other
children, friends and familybecome friends with our child
with special needs.
This is going to be a two-partseries, so pay attention for the
(02:43):
second part.
This is part one.
First and foremost, we have tohelp other parents and other
children sometimes prepare forthe unexpected.
Of course, all relationshipshave unexpected twists and turns
.
However, when your child hasspecial needs, sometimes they
seem to be more alarming or morescary to other people,
(03:07):
especially to children.
So, for example, prepare yourchild for the unexpected.
Prepare a child that's going tobe friends with and play with
some of the special needs, thatsome of the behaviors might seem
a little odd or awkward, butthat's okay.
And how are we going to workwith it?
So, for example, there might bemeltdowns or tantrums when a
(03:29):
child that doesn't have specialneeds doesn't understand why
that's happening and they don'talways have to understand it.
So trying to explain it awaydoesn't always help another
child understand it Until we sayyou know what?
They just were feeling reallyoverwhelmed.
Have you felt overwhelmedbefore?
And they'll probably say, well,yeah, or have you felt super
(03:50):
stressed, or have you felt supersad.
So that's where that tantrumcame from and I know it kind of
took you off guard.
So this is the way we want tohandle it next time, and so we
can talk with kids through that.
It could be that they actuallybehaved inappropriately.
It could be that they said someunexpected things.
(04:11):
Oh, you heard them say that oract that way.
That would be super confusingfor you.
I can understand that.
So let's talk about how I wantyou to handle it next time
something like that happens.
One of the things we're doingthere is we are empowering other
children with the ability tohave an answer for something
that might seem strange.
(04:31):
To let them know that strangeis sometimes okay in certain
safe circumstances, and I'mgoing to empower you with a path
what to do when that behaviortakes place.
Other children can misunderstandreactions and that can also
induce teasing or fear.
So one of the things that wewant to do is, rather than try
to necessarily explain allactions away, we can just simply
(04:54):
say no, I understand why thataction is confusing to you.
However, what we can do is,instead of making fun of, we can
say you know how, sometimes,when we adults even don't
understand someone's behavior,we can just simply remove
ourself from the situation andgo ask someone else for help or
(05:16):
go talk about it with someonewho's trusted.
What we want to discourage themfrom doing is fear leads to
teasing.
We don't want to give into thatfear.
We don't want to give into thatfeeling of it's okay to see
this as weird and strange and weneed to stay away from this
child.
Nope, we're going to say, yeah,it's different than what we're
(05:38):
used to and expecting, but it'snothing to be afraid of and this
is how we're going to handle it.
But it's nothing to be afraidof and this is how we're going
to handle it.
Also, we want to help childrendevelop an understanding or an
attitude of what is happeningand not allowing a certain
circumstance or a behaviormeltdown, tantrum to actually
(05:59):
modify their opinion of theirfamily member or peer.
And that's going to happenbecause of how we as parents
respond to it.
So we can be in a communitywith other parents and be
teaching them and talking tothem about how they can work
with their child and let themknow yeah, it is for me, as a
parent, frustrating when mychild has that tantrum.
I know how that is.
(06:20):
Sometimes.
We always feel like we're neverout of those toddler years.
However, what I have found isthat when I work with my child
in this way, it really, reallyhelps.
And so sometimes again, thatempowering that gives someone
else a tactic or a tip,something they can use, a way
(06:40):
they can respond, and that helpsother parents as well, as then
their children learn to not seea singular behavior, even if
it's a repetitive behavior, asingular behavior change the
complete opinion of a wholechild and say, no, this child
still is loving, this childstill wants friends, this child
still wants that inside ache forjust belonging that we all have
(07:06):
, and so we can all help thathappen by the way that we
interact with that child and theway that we sometimes are
graceful and forgiving with someof those behaviors.
We as special needs parentsknow that we're constantly
working on those kinds of things.
But sometimes parents on theoutside don't see the work that
we're doing because we're notgoing.
For example, public punishmentis not always the best way,
(07:29):
right.
We do a lot of the work inprivate or with therapists or
with outside agencies or in-homebehavioral analysis, et cetera.
So they may not know what we'redoing and maybe it's a good
idea to explain it to them,maybe it's not.
You have to know your familyand friend group the best.
On that one.
(07:49):
I have explained it to somepeople and it's created this
deeper level of understandingand appreciation and respect for
what our family is goingthrough.
And then they're way moregraceful and willing to work
with our child and they explainto their child oh, you know what
?
This is something they'reworking on correcting.
You know how the other day youdid da-da-da-da-da and dad and I
said that was a bad idea.
This is the same thing.
(08:10):
They did this.
Their parents are going to talkto them about it.
So it gave those parents anopportunity to normalize a
behavior and say it's notsomething we need to be
concerned with, we just need tomove on the following ways but
I've also had situations whereI've explained what everything
we're going through and I've hadpeople say, well, either that's
(08:32):
not enough, they come from aplace of lack of understanding
on that one, obviously.
But I've also had people then becritical of it.
Well, why would you do thattherapy?
Or why did you think that wouldwork?
Or did you think that was awaste of money?
So it's the opposite ofsupportive, it's more critical.
Or you tell them you've been intherapy and they say well then,
(08:55):
you should have known thisbehavior was going to happen.
Why didn't you protect thegroup you were around today, or
the kids at the playground fromhaving to have your child see
this meltdown?
And so you have to know yourfriendship group, and sometimes
you learn that through,unfortunately, the hard knocks.
(09:17):
But as you get to know who aregoing to be your friends that
become your family and yourfamily that stick with you, this
is one of those ways you can doit.
Do I explain it to them and arethey going to be receptive?
Or when I explain it, are theynot?
So that's one of the hardthings we have to juggle as
parents.
If you have any questions aboutthat, reach out to me.
No-transcript.
(09:40):
All right, so back to what wewere talking about.
We can help prepare the childfor the unexpected behavior of a
special needs child.
Another thing we can do is wecan help them understand and
recognize limitations.
All human beings havelimitations.
We know that, but sometimes wetend to forget it and we expect
(10:01):
out of others things that theycan't give.
This can happen in specialneeds relationships also.
So when we recognize thelimitations of children with
special needs, what we're doingis we are saying, okay, you are
going to play with Jimmy, andJimmy is unable to play in a
(10:21):
certain way because of aphysical need or a sensory need
or whatever it is, and so we tryto explain that to the child,
not over explain it, becausewe're talking to children and we
don't want to overwhelm themwith things.
That maybe gets them moreconfused and just feel
uncomfortable being around theother child.
But we can say, hey, here aretheir limitations, here are
(10:43):
certain conditions that you needto be aware of that we can.
And we can say, hey, here aretheir limitations, here are
certain conditions that you needto be aware of that we can and
we can't do.
And then we follow that up with.
But here are some reallyamazing things that we are going
to do and this is how we aregoing to have fun with Jimmy.
It's okay to see limitations.
There's nothing wrong withpointing them out.
When we point them out inothers, we should be fair and
(11:05):
teach our children to recognizesome in ourselves.
And then what we say is we thenwere put on this earth to work
as a team together.
None of us are intended to besolo.
We are always better togetherwhen we give other people grace
for their limitations, becauseour strengths are going to help
(11:25):
them and their strengths aregoing to help us.
So one of the things that we dowith that is we say all right,
for example, my older son takesmy middle son, who has special
needs, more severe needs, takeshim playing baseball with his
friends and he just set up withhis friends ahead of time hey
(11:49):
guys, we want to have a fourthperson or a sixth person I don't
remember how many it was toplay with us.
My brother loves this sport,but he's got some physical
limitations.
So since we're just going outthere to have a good time and
play, I'd like to bring himalong.
It would mean a lot to him.
We just sometimes have toremember that maybe he can't
throw the ball as far or run asfast because of some of his
physical limitations.
(12:09):
We may have to help himremember how to get around the
baseball field or those kinds ofthings.
And my older son's friends werelike, yeah, that's cool, that's
fine, and now this is somethingthat they do frequently.
And it was only that waybecause my older son decided to
just reach out to his friendshipgroup and say, hey, for this
(12:29):
circumstance, I'm bringing mybrother, and they accepted him.
And now our middle son feelsreally accepted and really a
part of that community and hefeels like he has friends that
are older you know oldersiblings, in a sense, to look up
to.
He's got a part of thatcommunity and he feels like he
has friends that are older youknow older siblings, in a sense,
to look up to.
He's got a bunch of those olderkids that he can look up to.
And that was because it wasokay to talk about limitations,
(12:54):
because we all have them and wenormalize the fact that
limitations are the reason weneed to grow in community
together, so that wayeverybody's strengths can
combine together to overcomesome limitations and we can all
grow stronger through that.
All right.
Another thing we have to teachpatience.
Patience is something that isreally hard to do.
(13:17):
We as parents struggle with itso much.
Oh my gosh, I know that I do,and so can you imagine it's hard
enough to get a child to justwait five minutes when they want
to do something and they'reantsy and they're dancing, but
now you're going to ask them tobe patient with another child.
But it is such a wonderfulgrowing opportunity so it can
(13:37):
take longer for that peer orthat family member with special
needs.
It can take longer for them tolearn a skill or a task or to
adopt a new behavior.
So if we just teach patienceand the importance of repetition
sometimes to other children Iknow you've said that three or
four times You're probably gonnahave to say it three or four
more.
However, think of how much morefun you're gonna have once we
(13:58):
finally get there and thenreward them for the patience.
I see that you have reallytried four times.
It's okay to take a break.
Let's take a break.
And here's a Hershey's kiss orhere's something that maybe will
mean something to them.
Here's a sticker, or maybe forthem it's just simply that
praise and that big hug and howproud you are of them.
(14:18):
So if we can teach them patience, part of that patience is
saying that it is okay forchildren to ask questions.
They fear what they don'tunderstand.
We all do.
We all fear what we don'tunderstand.
So let's create anunderstanding rather than foster
a fear.
So it's okay for them to askquestions.
(14:39):
It's okay to develop an actionplan when interacting with a
peer or family member and sayinghey, I see that you struggle in
this area, because when you'replaying with Jimmy, I don't know
why I picked Jimmy today.
Sorry to any Jimmys out there.
When you're playing with Jimmy,you struggle in this area and I
(15:01):
know that you're just going tobe stronger by overcoming it.
I'm super proud of you for eventrying.
So what we're going to do is,when you start noticing your
struggle, we're going to takethe following steps and you can
walk them through, creating anaction plan.
Again, that empowering when wedo not fear something because we
have a greater understandingfor it, because we know we are
(15:22):
safe to ask questions about it,because we know we are safe to
respectfully say hey, I noticedthey can't do that.
Okay, all right, let's talkabout why they can't, or let's
figure out a way then that wecan work around that inability.
When we can do that, we createrespectful boundaries, healthy
boundaries that benefit bothchildren and then therefore
(15:46):
benefit both families.
So when we create these openspaces for children to
communicate with us as thespecial needs parent, without
any fear, or with their parentto parent, without any fear of
feeling like I didn't want totalk to you about it because I
didn't know how you wouldrespond if I said I don't think
(16:06):
your child can do this, when wecreate the open communication
style, we are creatingsituations where we can build
strong relationships and havegood relationships with both
friends and family, and friendsthat can become family.
Another thing to start teachingchildren when they're really
young all children is everyoneis unique.
(16:28):
We are all different in our ownways.
We all have strengths, we allhave challenges and some
differences are just morenoticeable than others and some
of them aren't noticeable untilthey're to notice an explosion
of a behavior.
For a child that appears to bedoing things I hate the word
normal, but normal in this caseand to other children it's
(16:50):
startling but that's okaybecause it's unique.
So we talk about safety andsituations and we talk about
embracing those differences,finding a common ground, saying
to a child without special needsyou're right, that is different
than you see in some of yourother friends and then a lot of
your other friends, and thatdifference does make things more
(17:12):
challenging in these ways.
Now let's talk about some ofthe things you guys really like
to do together and those areways that you can grow your
friendship.
Remember, not all friends aregreat for all situations and
children can learn that at ayoung age.
They can learn that they'regoing to have some friends that
maybe they go outside and playsports with, and other friends
(17:34):
that they stay inside and playvideo games with, and some
friends that might like to playchess, and some friends that
might like to do puzzles, andsome friends that might like to
color, and it's okay for them tovary what they do depending on
who that they're with, andthat's what teaching everyone is
unique is about.
Special needs or specialabilities fall in that category,
(17:54):
and so we can teach it, justlike we can teach someone who is
a sports person versus someonewho is more really enjoys to
read and do puzzles.
Those are unique abilities, andspecial unique abilities is
just a different category, andso if we can normalize that for
children, that will help all ofthem along.
Focus on similarities that's akey one.
(18:16):
So we really need to focus onways that kids can be similar,
and I think I've mentioned thata couple of times already.
Since we all are unique, wehave family and friends for
different reasons and differentseasons.
Sometimes we need a friend tojust be there and listen and
hold us while we completely letout an emotion Maybe that's
(18:36):
crying, maybe that's anger orwhatever it is and then they're
going to be the friend that'slike all right.
Well, now that you got that out, what are you going to do with
it?
And they're really straight upand forward.
Or you might need that friendthat afterward just kind of is
like I got you, let's go on awalk, let's be in nature, let's.
Some friends are going to saylet's go catch a cocktail.
You know, everyone's got theirway of dealing with things.
(18:57):
Focus on those similarities andteach your kids.
Just like you have friends fordifferent seasons and reasons,
so can they.
Focusing on those similaritieswill teach them to connect with
peers and family members withspecial needs.
And again, unique experiences,unique abilities are found in
everybody and so if we focus onsimilarities, sometimes we take
(19:21):
the focus off what they can't doand put it on what they can do
and how they can be a goodfriend to us too.
It is okay to set up specifictimes for interactions.
Setting up specific timeswithout expecting your child to
always invite every friend toevery event is okay.
And saying, in fact we had thissituation A friend had a
(19:45):
birthday party and our one sonwasn't invited because of what
was going on at the birthdayparty and the group of people.
But then that same friend said,hey, we're gonna do this other
party, but then the next daywe'd love to have you guys over.
And they planned somethingspecial for my son with special
needs to be able to still havefun with his friend, who was in
(20:06):
a normal friend group for themost part.
But my son still felt veryincluded, very much wanted as a
friend, and for him it didn'tmatter that there were separate
parties, it just mattered thathe was part of one.
And so when we talk to themabout hey, I understand that
there's a birthday party comingup and I know that you didn't
send an invite to Jimmy Sorryagain to Jimmy's out there.
(20:30):
I was hoping maybe we could gettogether and have some special
time for our kids, because yourchild's friendship means so much
to my child and we want to say,well, I shouldn't have to say
that, well, maybe you shouldn't,but maybe you should, because,
again, part of our uniquechallenge is helping other
(20:50):
families and other children andeven other adults learn how to
work with people that have somespecial, unique abilities.
Finally, for today, remind yourchild that everyone needs
family and friends, and I'msaying remind this of a child
that doesn't have special needswhen they look out in that world
and they're champing along andthey're doing things on that
(21:13):
normalized spectrum.
Teach them to start being awareof children that maybe aren't
fitting that normalized spectrumand remind them everybody has a
unique desire within theirheart to have family and friends
and to belong.
So even those who cannotconnect through good
communication, maybe they'renonverbal, maybe they struggle
(21:37):
with eye contact, they stilllong for acceptance and friends.
And when we teach everyone elseout there to look for that and
to remind them that every humandeserves to feel part of a
loving family and peer group, weare growing a network and a
community of people that aregoing to support each other for
a lifetime.
So another example I have.
(21:58):
So another example I have.
So I have three sons.
My middle son is the one withthe rare genetic abnormality and
his younger brother and himhave a friend in common.
And I'll be honest, and I thinkwe've all seen this three can
be a crowd.
No matter who you are right, nomatter who we are, three can be
(22:19):
a crowd.
The friend at first was mymiddle son's friend because
their ages are similar and then,as the unique abilities and the
special needs started to be alittle more prominent.
The friend gravitated towardsmy younger son.
So what we have started tonotice is that, yes, the friend
(22:42):
does get along better with myyounger son because they're both
neurotypical.
So we have to and we, being themoms and I, the mom and I
specifically sometimes, yeah,all three of them get together
and we just help them workthrough their drama and working
through their relationships,which, honestly, is what we do
with all children.
But we do schedule special timewhen my youngest is not part of
(23:06):
the party it's not a party, butyou know what I mean not part
of the group that day and myspecial needs son and his buddy
get to hang out.
And that mom is very, very,very good at making sure to plan
events and know what is neededand we sometimes even have to
plan just blocks of time andshe's really good at just saying
(23:27):
, okay, we're going to set thisaside for tea and my son and
they're going to do thisspecific thing.
And my son always feelsappreciated by his friend and
included by his friend.
Even on the days when thethree's a crowd, I still remind
him hey, you're going to getsome special time at some point
in the future, and that alwayslifts his spirits.
So thank you to my friend outthere.
(23:49):
I appreciate you.
We have just one thing I want tosay we can change the world
here.
We have an opportunity.
We can change the world.
One child, we have anopportunity.
We can change the world.
One child, one mom, one dad ata time.
We have to be graceful in ourteachings.
We have to be forgiving ofothers because they don't know
(24:11):
how to navigate this probablyany better than we do, and we're
still making it up as we goalong half the time.
Right, moms, we have to havecompassion for others as well as
compassion for ourselves.
We have to be just willing togive grace and give another
chance.
When people decide to step outand don't want to be a part of
our family and friend group,that's their loss and as much as
(24:34):
that hurts us and our children,we can help them learn and grow
through it also and teach themthat at that point we say thank
you, god for the opportunity tolearn this lesson, for the good
times that we did have, and helpme focus on where my future
sights should go.
Thank you so much for joiningme and look for the second half
of this podcast on how can wehelp other children and family
(24:58):
friends be friends with myspecial needs child.
Have a great day everybody.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
This program is made possible by friends and partners
of the Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
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