Finding Strength Amidst Judgment: The Emotional Rollercoaster of Special Needs Parents | Ep16

Send us a text

Have you ever felt the weight of judgmental stares when your child's behavior is misunderstood? In today's heartfelt episode, we explore the raw and real challenges faced by parents of special needs children, seen through the lens of a profoundly moving blog by Kristen Crow. We delve into the emotional rollercoaster that parents endure, highlighting the dedication and resilience it takes to navigate public criticism and to raise these unique and wonderful children. Through Kristen's touching insights, we emphasize the necessity of patience, unconditional love, and the importance of educating the broader public on the realities of special needs parenting.

Do parents have the right to a moment of peace amidst the chaos? Absolutely. In this episode, we discuss why taking time for self-care is not just a luxury but a necessity for parents of special needs children. Despite the unpredictable nature of public outings, parents must understand that they are entitled to moments of relaxation without guilt, even if their child is having a tough time. Cherish the extraordinary joy in raising your children, knowing that it’s okay to not have all the answers. Remember, you are part of a supportive community that values mutual encouragement and understanding. Join us as we promote the essential message of self-care and shared support for these incredible parents.

Support the show

Subscribe to our YouTube channel!
https://www.youtube.com/@specialparentpodcast?sub_confirmation=1

Visit www.specialparent.org and join our community for new episode alerts, show summaries, and The Special Parent Blog!

Follow us: https://linkin.bio/specialparentpodcast

Support the show: https://patreon.com/TheSpecialParentPodcast

Your contribution helps us to continue making new episodes and achieve our goal of reaching as many parents, families, and caregivers of children with special needs as possible, to provide support, guidance, hope, and community!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This program is made possible by friends and partners
of the Special Parent Podcast.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
I believe that empowering parents of special
needs children is like givingthem the superpower of
unconditional love andunbreakable determination.
They are not just parents, theyare true champions shaping a
bright future for theirincredible children.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and I'mglad you're here.
Have you ever had that lookfrom someone else that just says

(00:34):
, hey, lady, get control of yourkid.
Welcome to the special parentpodcast.
This is Dr Deanna Iverson andI'm here today to talk to you
about a topic that I know isnear and dear to all of us as
special needs parents.
I found a blog by Kristen Crow,an amazing blog, which tells me
this is not something that Imyself have experienced, but

(00:57):
it's something that many parentsare experiencing.
Have you ever just had someonesay to you why did you bring
your child?
You knew that there was goingto be a problem?
Or how did you not know theywere going to act a certain way?
Or that look in the grocerystore, that look in wherever
you're at in public.
That just is like judgmental.
I think we've all had that andwe all know as parents.

(01:21):
It cuts so deep.
That judgmental look or thosewords say to us as a parent,
you're inadequate and you're notdoing your job right, when
anyone giving you that look hasabsolutely no idea all the
background, all the things thatyou've done, all the hard work
that you've put in and that youwill continue to do to help your

(01:42):
child learn appropriatebehaviors, to learn appropriate
reactions and responses.
Many people talk about this inspecial needs groups and that's
why I wanted to address it withyou a little bit here today.
We're not negligent parentsjust because our children don't
act neurotypical, but thosejudgmental looks can make us
feel this way.
So we need to come together, weneed to strengthen ourselves

(02:05):
and each other, we need to bepositive in the circles of
special needs parenting.
So I wanted to read to you thisblog by Kristen Crow, and
there's a link that I'll put onmy website, specialparentorg,
that you can actually go to thispage and read it for yourself,
because I am going to have I'mgoing to shorten it just a
little bit for the sake of time.

(02:26):
It's actually called Lady, getControl of your Kid, because
those of us with behaviorallydisordered children especially
when it's an invisible disorderand they don't, and I'm putting
this in air quotes you cannotsee look disabled.
What is that look right If wehave children where their

(02:46):
disability manifests itself inbehaviors.
We get these stares, theseglares, these looks of
indignation.
It could be an eye roll, itcould be a huff, a puff blow the
house down, but we're not goingto let it blow our house down
and that's why we need to talkabout this.
As special needs parents, wecan see these expressions from

(03:08):
other people and we have toremind ourselves they don't know
what we're going through, butthat's okay that they don't know
.
So the blog by Kristen Crow hasamazing resources.
She has her own website.
That's why I'm like you've gotto go to the resources link and
look at this.
Amazing resources on parentingstages and strategies.

(03:31):
She has resources for evenpregnancy.
She has resources for familiesin various stages married,
single, religious families, etcetera and even more on her
website.
So I highly suggest everyonetake a look at it.
She's a phenomenal resource forus as special needs parents,
and this is what she wrote inher blog, and I'm going to

(03:52):
remind you these are not mywords, I'm quoting her.
Here we go Dear shoppers on therun, strangers waiting in line
and cashiers at the counter.
It may look like I have failedmiserably at raising a
well-behaved child.
He appears to be an ordinarykid who somehow turned into a
monster from bad parenting andmaybe he is irritating you.

(04:15):
Maybe you've been annoyedbeyond belief at my child's
outbursts.
You've had a long day and mykid is whining, stomping his
feet and refusing to stand still.
He's bumping into you in line.
He's giving you a headache,taxing I know.
Just to enlighten you, I spent agreat deal of my life getting

(04:36):
control of my kid.
That includes visits withdoctors, therapists, counselors,
special education teachers andbehavioral specialists.
I read books, articles andoften resort to my own trial and
error experiments.
My child has a disability.
It's not just immediatelyapparent from his appearance.

(04:59):
My all-consuming job ofparenting this child is
exhausting and there are times Isit at home in frustrated
contemplation, wondering what Icould do better.
I want to help my child fitinto the real world, but he is
unique in every way.
God designed him like that,perhaps to teach the rest of us

(05:21):
a little patience and restraintand maybe unconditional love.
The truth is I'm a very goodparent.
I'm devoted, I use disciplineand I've exhausted various
timeout strategies.
I don't eat bonbons and watchsitcoms while my kid has the run
of the place.
I haven't pampered him andspoiled him rotten, creating the

(05:42):
reactions you're seeing.
I'm not some kind of lame brainwho shouldn't have the right to
be a parent, and I don't meanyou any harm.
I'd simply like to purchase themacaroni and cheese and carrots
and Cheerios in my cart and beon my way, but it does mean that

(06:03):
you might be inconvenienced.
I love my child.
Forgive the disruption andthanks for understanding.
Well, do you Sincerely the ladywith the out of control kid PS.
Can you babysit at my house onFriday night?
End quote.
I just love that.

(06:24):
I found it so inspirational whenI read this.
It said so many things to me,not just one circumstance in my
life with raising my child, butso many circumstances.
I know that sometimes mychild's behaviors are an
inconvenience to the people thatare around him.
I don't want it to be that way,and I know deep in his little

(06:46):
heart he wouldn't want it to bethat way either.
But he hasn't learned yet or hemay not be able to learn
something, and therefore it's myjob as his parent to help
protect him, and so I'm going todo the best that I can.
But sometimes people forget weas parents.
We still have to function, westill have to go to the grocery

(07:09):
store and know we can't alwaysafford to have a babysitter come
, but if it's that big of aninconvenience, can you come
babysit my kids so I can go tothe grocery store?
I loved that question.
That was one of my favoritemoments in the entire reading
because it's the idea thatsomehow we're supposed to be
able to find care when evenparents with typical age

(07:30):
children can't always findbabysitters or care.
So it's not that easy.
In addition to that, some ofthe things that I really liked
that she said in here I myself Iread books, I read articles.
I resort to my own trial anderror experience.
I do those things and I'm suremany of you do.

(07:50):
Heck, if you're listening rightnow, boom, you're doing one of
those things.
Right now.
You are giving your all, you'retrying your best, you're
fitting in parenting, workinglife, family and hopefully some
sort of friends and some way tocare for yourself, and it is
just not easy to throw all thoseballs in the air and start that

(08:11):
juggle.
But we can do this when we cometogether and we support each
other.
I sometimes have just looked atpeople that have been annoyed
and I've said to them I'm sorry,it's his disability and it's
going to be okay.
One time I probably was alittle irritated and I just

(08:32):
looked up and I said it's notreally that bad, you'll be fine.
So sometimes, as parents, we'rethese lovely individuals who
convey everything perfectly andsometimes we get a little snippy
with those looks because, as weall know, it's really hard to
be judged.
It really cuts to the core andyou're just not always going to
have the perfect response.

(08:53):
So what I want to talk to youabout is what can we do?
What are some things we can putin our little wheelhouse that
we can stick in the back of ourbrain so when we're in that
frustrated moment we can go okay, let me just pull this out.
So I don't say something Ireally don't want to say,
because our ultimate goal isparenting right, is to have the
world help understand our childor their disability or children

(09:14):
in general.
So what can we do to helpstrengthen and grow an
understanding, rather than havepeople just kind of get into
that ingrained system of ohthere's another one.
Let's help pull out of that,let's pull out of that cycle,
let's pull out of thatstereotype.
So, first and foremost, we canbe patient with others,

(09:35):
forgiveness and grace and lovealways win.
In fact, when you see thatirritated look, you could even
just look at them and say thankyou so much for understanding
how hard we're trying.
I really appreciate it.
Now, they probably weren't.
However, you're spreading loveby saying thank you to someone
who doesn't necessarily deserveit and hopes that it gives them

(09:57):
that kind of that shock value ofoh yeah, oh, you're right, yeah
, you need a little bit of gracetoo right now.
So forgiveness and grace willalways win and spreading that
love.
It's also okay with people thatyou have the opportunity to have
the hard conversations withgrace and kindness.
Sometimes that's more friendsand family.
Obviously, you don't have manyopportunities with the guy in

(10:19):
the grocery store, but hey, ifit presents itself, go for it,
jump in with both feet but havethat hard conversation.
Well, yes, this is because of adisability.
A disability doesn't mean anexcuse, but it absolutely is a
reason, and it's a reason thatwe continue to fight the battles
that we fight, that we continueto read, that we continue to
push forward.
It's also a reason the childhasn't learned the skill yet or

(10:42):
maybe never will, depending onyour child and that is an okay
reason.
It's not an excuse.
It's not something you shouldbe ashamed of.
It's a reason and it's valid.
So talk to people about thatreason.
Help educate them on not onlythe disability but your child
themselves, because everydisability manifests differently
.
Sometimes you just have toagree to disagree.

(11:03):
So that's my point number three.
You can just say, all right,well, thank you, I've heard you,
I hope you've heard me, andthen you have to go along your
way.
Not everyone is going to be ableto modify or change the way
that they think or see the world.
Not everyone is able to modifytheir mindsets, and we, as
special needs parents, sometimesneed to modify our mindsets and

(11:23):
be courteous and respectful andpatient with others,
recognizing that we don't owethem an apology for our kids
inconvenience, but we absolutelycan understand how they may
feel in the moment.
So we can be graceful with themtoo and just agree to move on.
One thing that's really neat,especially as parents, is when
we can learn a safe place andpeople to be around.

(11:45):
Sometimes we're going to pushthrough those hard times.
Maybe it's a family event, ormaybe it's going to the park
because you just really want tohave some sit down girl time,
but you know your child's goingto be a terror on the play set.
Other times we say we have toprune people or situations from
our lives.
I say pruning because when youprune a tree or a plant, you cut

(12:09):
it and that temporarily injuresit like a scratch.
It doesn't kill the tree,though, and so when we prune, we
take things out of our livesand that can hurt people or
things that we just know are nothealthy for us to continue with
or for our child to be around.
So sometimes we just have tolearn when our safe places are

(12:31):
and our safe people are andstick to those.
A key point here never give up.
Moms, dads, caregivers, adoptedparents, guardians I just
challenge you to never give up.
Take your moments when you needthem.
Make sure to do self care.
I have plenty of podcasts onthat ones to help give you lots
of ideas.

(12:51):
But just never give up.
Keep pushing forward.
Keep giving other people achance and an opportunity.
Don't give up on them and don'tgive up on yourself and don't
give up on your child.
Everybody can grow throughthese situations.
Build a community.
Take time for yourself.
I know that's not easy.
I just read something in one ofsomeone said build a community

(13:17):
and I thought well, how do I dothat?
I can't figure it out.
One of my previous podcasts ison how to build a community of
people around us.
It takes a while.
Sometimes it starts by beingalone and that's the hardest
part.
But you're not alone.
Your community may not bepeople within your physical
presence.
It may be online.
It may be someone that youreach out to through work or

(13:41):
something like that.
But the more open we are, themore we discuss our lives a
little bit with others, is themore we learn that community
that we can build around us, thecommunity of friends that can
understand or that want to beimmersed in our lives,
regardless of the challenges.
Finally, I highly suggest youread blogs by Kristen Crow I

(14:04):
will post them on my resourcespage.
She is amazing or blogs byother parents.
I have several books again onmy resources page that I have
read by special needs parents orby authors that have compiled
thoughts of many special needsparents.
You are not alone.
We are in this together andguess what you do get to bring

(14:25):
your child?
You do, as a parent, still havethe right to have the moments
of relaxation and have otherpeople understand that.
That may mean you just take amoment away and you let your kid
kind of.
Maybe they're a little annoyingin the cart or a little too
loud in the store or maybe theywere a little too rambunctious
on the playground.

(14:45):
But you needed those fivemoments, those 10 moments, that
30 minutes, and that's okay too.
You've deserved that.
So you do get to bring your kidand know you don't know every
problem that they're going topresent.
In fact, half the time we'relike whoa, where'd that come
from?
And that's okay to present.
In fact, half the time we'relike whoa, where'd that come
from?
And that's okay.
So, lady, do your best Love onothers, spread the joy of

(15:12):
getting to know and getting toraise your special, unique,
amazing and wonderful child.
This is Dr Deanna Iverson withthe Special Parent Podcast, and
I'm here for you.
Please reach out if there'sever anything that you need.
Take care, folks.

Speaker 1 (15:24):
This program is made possible by friends and partners
of the Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.