October 7, 2024 • 29 mins
Imagine standing in a bustling grocery store with a child mid-tantrum, feeling the eyes of strangers on you and wondering how to regain control with love and understanding. Join me, Dr. Deanna Iverson, on the Special Parent Podcast as we unravel these intense moments and explore strategies to discipline children with special needs in ways that affirm their unique potential. This episode promises to equip you with practical tools to navigate the chaos with grace and patience, transforming challenges into opportunities for growth.
Our journey begins with the critical task of setting clear boundaries, a cornerstone of effective parenting. We delve into techniques like using quick, concise directions to help children navigate emotional turbulence, with a spotlight on strategies tailored for kids with a history of trauma. Consistency is key, and we'll discuss how building trust can lead to emotional resilience, enabling children to learn the art of self-regulation over time. Through examples and real-life anecdotes, discover how creative consequences, such as planned ignoring for attention-seeking behaviors, can lead to valuable learning moments without resorting to punitive measures.
In the final segment, we tackle the daunting subject of managing public tantrums with composure. Learn how to distinguish between a typical tantrum and an emotional outburst stemming from sensory overload. With insights on implementing visual communication tools and immediate rewards, gain confidence in guiding your child towards improved behavior. Let this episode be a reminder that progress, no matter how small, is a victory, and parenting is a journey filled with love, patience, and unwavering belief in your child's ability to thrive.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, health
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Have you ever struggled withknowing how and when to
(00:43):
consequence or discipline yourspecial needs child?
I know that I have.
Hi everyone, welcome to theSpecial Parent Podcast.
This is Dr Deanna Iverson, andI'm here for part three of
talking to you about disciplineand special needs.
Parts one and two were uniqueand kind of went over strategies
how couples because part one, Ihad my husband with me.
(01:04):
How couples because part one, Ihad my husband with me how
couples can navigate thistogether different tips and
tricks and challenges.
I felt there were still somelittle things to address.
So this part three, while we'regoing to review some of that,
we're also going to talk aboutsome specific examples, and some
of it might be a little bitagain of a review, but we're
going to dive a little deeperinto some special situations
(01:26):
that I've had parents mention,that have come up to them and
they're just like I'm just sofrustrated I don't know what to
do about this one.
So reality, when our childrenare born with special needs, we
already know that life is goingto come with challenges.
We already know that there aregoing to be things that they
can't do, that some otherchildren can do or maybe is
(01:48):
going to take them longer tolearn, or there's going to be
extra limitations and as aparent, this can be
heartbreaking.
It is heartbreaking and so itcan also make us in a sense
nervous to discipline.
Why?
Because discipline feels likeanother limitation.
I'm pointing out my child can'tdo something and I'm
(02:08):
consequencing them for it.
In reality, when it'sappropriate discipline for a
behavior that needs to becorrected, what we're really
saying to our child is I believein your ability to learn, I
believe in your ability to grow,I believe in you.
And we're also saying toourself I believe I can do this,
(02:28):
and sometimes we just need tohear that.
So in part one we discusseddiscipline norms and in part two
.
I discussed a little bit abouthaving a disability and how that
can impact how we disciplineour child, which is very
individualized.
So I promise you here child,which is very individualized.
So I promise you here I don'thave the golden goose egg of an
(02:49):
answer for anybody, because itis individualized.
Our children are so differentand so unique and so wonderful,
and that also means that everyparent and every child are going
to have a unique situationwhere discipline is going to
work for some that doesn't workfor others.
I mean, heck, with three kids,some discipline works for one of
(03:10):
my children and not the otherone.
So there is just this lovelyplay act that takes place
between parent and child.
Most other parents absolutelyhave the best intentions when
they talk to us about hey, haveyou tried this discipline?
And most of us, as specialneeds parents, feel like going
(03:31):
duh.
Of course I have.
But again we have to remindourselves they have the best of
intentions, they're trying to behelpful.
We a lot of times know thatwe've tried a million things and
we're just struggling.
Maybe it's not that we're notdoing the right thing, it's just
it's taking 10 times longerthan it does for a child who
doesn't have the struggles andthe disabilities that our child
(03:55):
does.
So being graceful with thosearound us, especially friends
and family, who just love on usand want to help us, and then,
at the same time, being gracefulwith ourselves and knowing that
some of these things just taketime.
So some advice that I heard.
I read an article one time thatsaid you shouldn't ever say no
(04:20):
to your child.
Nope, that bad advice.
So whoever wrote that article,I'm sorry.
I absolutely, as a professional, completely disagree with you
on that.
I say you should give specificdirection and it's very healthy
for a child to hear the word nobecause, guess what?
We all hear the word no, evenas adults.
(04:40):
We hear the word no.
We hear no.
You can't do that.
We're told there are boundariesthat we have to follow.
So again I say, with all therespect on the planet to the
person who wrote that article, Idisagree with you.
Children need to hear the wordno.
They need to understand why theno happens sometimes, but
(05:02):
sometimes they just simply needto know it's because mom and dad
said so, and that's okay too.
We can find the happy mediumbetween these.
There are times that both areabsolutely appropriate.
Many psychologists andscientists and I researched this
because I thought whoa, I can'tbe the only one and I'm not
Many psychologists andscientists don't agree with that
(05:24):
statement at all.
They don't agree that childrenshould never hear no.
In fact, they say we must giveinstruction.
While we teach limitations,restrictions, boundaries,
whatever you want to call them,we are teaching appropriate
behaviors.
We are teaching appropriateexpectations.
So, by all means, when a childdoes something they shouldn't do
(05:47):
, sometimes they need to hear no.
We don't do that.
No, not acceptable.
If a child is going to dosomething dangerous, are you not
going to yell stop.
Of course you are, becauseyou're a loving, caring,
responsible parent and that'sjust a form of no and that's
okay too.
So why would someone give thatadvice?
(06:07):
Why would they do that?
When a child does hear the wordno, they may experience guilt oh
my gosh, I did something wrong.
They may not understand whyit's happening.
They may be confused.
That can sometimes impact theirself-esteem for a small moment.
So that advice probably camefrom a very good and
(06:31):
well-intentioned person who wastrying to say don't make your
child feel guilty, let's notconfuse our children, let's
teach our children.
But you can still do that withsetting those appropriate
boundaries of no.
But you can still do that withsetting those appropriate
boundaries of no.
In fact, let's be honest If wetell our child no and it upsets
(06:53):
them, we feel it.
We as parents feel that pain inour heart when our children are
disappointed or are sad or areconfused.
So it's important to teach themthese boundaries and it's
important to understand theiremotions as they learn these
boundaries too.
The important reality is thatno is a tool.
No is a tool.
Stop is a tool.
These are things that ensurehealthy emotional and brain
(07:16):
development.
So, by all means, please use no, and please use because I said
so.
Let's dive in a little deeper.
The developing brain in allchildren, even children with
special needs, it's looking forpatterns of life.
It's looking for limitations.
What can I do?
What can I not do?
It's looking for boundaries.
(07:37):
The brain wants those.
So when neuroconnections aretaking place, neurons are firing
all over the place.
In the developing brain, ifsomething goes bink and touches,
especially if it binks a coupledifferent times and reinforces,
it now forms a strongconnection.
If something's touching and yougo no boop, it breaks that
(07:58):
connection.
So I've talked a little bitabout discipline and the
difference between positive andnegative reinforcements.
You have to be careful, becauseyou can accidentally bing
strengthen a reinforcer by notrealizing you're reinforcing a
behavior.
That can be an accidental thingand guess what?
You still can prune that backapart.
It's just going to take a longtime, but the brain is looking
(08:20):
for that.
So when we provide a no, whenwe provide a consequence or
something that says I don't likethat behavior, that's not a
productive thing to do, then westop that neuron connection from
strengthening.
And that's why it's important,because our brain wants to know
what neurons should connect andwhich ones don't.
Because your brain's going togrow a lot of neurons and it's
(08:40):
going to prune and get rid of alot too over this growth cycle.
So we want our kids to justconnect the good ones.
Sometimes we don't have controlover that, but the best that we
can do in our ability is whatwe're looking for here.
So I'll give you an example.
It is just before dinner timeand for every family that's
different.
So let's just say it's fiveo'clock.
(09:02):
It's five o'clock, you're busycooking up dinner.
Dinner's going to be at 530-ishtime.
You're busy cooking up dinnerand your child comes and starts
getting in for a snack.
No, you need to wait for dinner.
I'm clear, I'm concise, directand to the point.
The tantrum starts.
Well, I'm not going to sit downon the floor and go.
(09:23):
Let me explain to you why this.
No, no, no, no, no, we're notdoing that.
No, you need to wait for dinner.
The tantrum starts, you ignorethe tantrum and you keep cooking
dinner.
Now do you have to make sureyour child is safe?
Of course you do.
I'm not saying anything that'sunsafe should go ignored.
However, you will ignore ituntil it stops.
(09:43):
Once it stops, or you'll ignoreit until they get quiet and
then they try for the snackagain and you know, same exact
no, you need to wait for dinnerBecause you and I, as parents,
know that if they have thatsnack which is not the
healthiest thing on the planet,it's just a quick filler they're
not going to eat as much of thehealthy stuff for dinner and if
(10:05):
you have a special needs child,a lot of them have dietary
issues already as it is.
So the last thing we need is forthem to have those empty
fillers.
Clear, concise, to the point.
You're done.
We're not having this anymore.
Tantrum.
Ignore it the minute thetantrum stops, as long as
they're not reaching for a snackagain and trying to be a sneaky
(10:27):
pants.
You could even say, no, youneed to wait for dinner and
don't sneak.
So they know they got caught intwo things.
But as long as they're nottrying to be the sneaky pants,
even if they just quieted andthey're on the floor, then you
can say something to the factthat I'm really glad to see you
calm down.
You did very well, but you keepcooking dinner.
(10:48):
You recognize the good behavior, but you keep cooking dinner.
You're not going to halteverything you do.
You're not going to reward themwith the snack.
Maybe you reward them withsomething else.
Maybe you give them a fidgettoy or something like that.
But we're going to focus ontraining.
The behavior of A mom said no,she's going to stick with what
(11:09):
she says with.
She sticks with what she says.
And the expectation is clear Ineed to wait for dinner.
And guess what?
By the time they're teenagers,they'll learn they need to wait
for dinner.
You'll have a little bit lessof a battle to fight.
I'm not saying it's perfect,I'm saying it's a progress and
you're heading towards a goal.
So in the developing brain,what's interesting is the hunger
part of your brain isincredibly efficient.
That's almost like theanimalistic part of our brain.
(11:30):
That's why we always use theword hangry for adults.
Oh, they're getting hangry overthere Because that hunger part
is efficient and it's going tothrow the tantrum.
It's going to not want to bepatient, not want to wait for
anything.
That is in the developing brainfor a reason survival.
We, as adults, know that we areproviding them plenty of
(11:55):
survival food.
They're right now trying tomanipulate behavior.
They don't know they're tryingto do that.
They're just children.
They're doing exactly whatchildren are supposed to do,
which is find the boundaries andpush against them.
So what are we going to do?
We're just going to tell themwhere the boundary is and hold
the line.
We're not going to get angry.
We're not going to spend hoursexplaining where they've now
(12:16):
lost interest.
We're just going to state whatneeds to be stated and move on,
because we are training theirbrain for adulthood, for
teenagehood, for the ability tobe patient and wait for things
like food, a friend getting on atoy or an electronic when they
(12:36):
need to wait for that.
So the underdeveloped brain isnot patient, but the hunger part
is developed fully.
So what we're trying to do isteach our children that,
regardless of what is happeningin the brain at the moment, they
can still learn to have somecontrol.
They don't understand that'swhat we're teaching them, but we
(12:56):
as parents know that If westick with it they are going to
learn to regulate their it.
They are going to learn toregulate their anxiety.
They are going to learn toregulate their emotions and
their response to them.
But we have to be willing tostick with quick, clear
directions.
And again, as they get older,we explain them more.
But when they're younger, quick, clear directions with very
(13:18):
little explanation as theydevelop the part of their brain
that controls it and specialneeds kids are most likely going
to develop this part a littlebit slower, especially ones that
have cognitive or learningdisabilities.
But as they develop it they'regoing to have some stronger
reactions.
At time You're going to see kindof that ebb and flow.
(13:39):
It's going to get better andthen you might be like we were
doing so well, what the heckjust happened?
Hormonal changes we're allfamiliar with those.
We talk about them all the timein teenage years, but we have
to remember they're happeningall the way throughout childhood
.
So things will get better.
Then you'll have the hormonalchange and you'll have to revert
back to what you were doingbefore.
Then they'll get better again.
(14:02):
So hang in there, because withspecial needs kids it's going to
take longer, but you're in thisfor the long haul, because you
love them and you know that thisis awesome.
Consistency is what's going toget you and them through.
You, because you know what tosay and do every time.
Them because once they hear itagain oh, that's right, this is
what we're going to do.
Once they hear it again andagain, their timing of response
(14:23):
is going to shrink and they'repretty soon going to become more
and more compliant a little bitfaster.
Know is good when adult behaviorpattern is key.
So clear expectations and clearboundaries Because I said so is
also good and is an appropriateexpectation, because you are
(14:43):
the parent and you do know morethan them and better than them.
In fact, I love it whenteenagers act like we don't know
what we're talking about, andsometimes I'll say to my son I
get that you don't think I knowwhat I'm talking about, but
sometimes I just need you torecognize that I've got
experience on my side and if I'mwrong, we can talk about that
later, but right now you'regoing to do what I say and
(15:05):
you're going to trust I'm doingit for your good.
So those are patterns that youcan establish with your children
Like, hey, it's okay to trustme, I'm going to do what I think
is best for you and if it endedup not being best, we're going
to work that out on the otherside of this together.
But right now you need to learnto trust me.
So children that have had aprimary trauma where they've had
(15:29):
a parent they cannot trust,this is going to be harder to do
with, and so you have tosometimes just stick with the
clear and concise and keeppushing through with that.
And so if you have a child thathas that primary trauma, get
extra help.
This is going to be harder foryou because they're not going to
(15:50):
automatically trust you andthat's not on you, that's not
your responsibility to 100%solve.
You can't do it on your own.
So get some extra help withthat.
Okay, all right.
Another example, because I saidthis one was going to be about
kind of some examples that hadcome up.
Another example responding toloud behavior by giving your
(16:11):
child attention.
Typically, loud behavior isjust really a fun time, or it's
loud because they wanted you toreact.
So if you give them thereaction, guess what you're
gonna get again Loud behavior.
So negative versus positiveattention is still attention.
So I had a fellow parent.
This was brilliant.
(16:32):
Kids were kind of.
She was on the phone.
She had asked them to be quiet.
They were being loud.
They were not being quiet.
She just very first time shehad to do this.
It was hilarious.
She paused the phone.
She had asked them to be quiet.
They were being loud, they werenot being quiet.
She just very first time shehad to do this.
It was hilarious.
She paused the phoneconversation.
She put the phone down.
She walked outside.
She goes oh my gosh, kids comeout here Like really excited,
and they come running out.
She turns around.
(16:53):
She walks in and closes thedoor and locks it Again.
The kids were safe.
She was able to watch throughthe window, but then she ignored
them and finished her phonecall.
After the phone call was over,she unlocked the door, had them
come in and sit down.
She said why did I do that?
They knew because we were beingloud.
Did I ask you to stop?
(17:13):
Yes, did you stop?
No, that's why you got lockedoutside.
Do you want to get lockedoutside again?
No, that's why you got lockedoutside.
Do you want to get lockedoutside again?
No, all right, then when I askyou to be quiet, you need to be
quiet.
It wasn't a long conversation.
It didn't make them roll theireyes back in their head and fall
asleep.
Developmentally they were readyfor that kind of conversation.
But this is how sometimes youhave to get creative.
(17:35):
Now, if they liked gettinglocked outside, boom backfire.
You just reinforced theirbehavior.
But in this situation that'spretty unlikely they're going to
get the point.
It's not necessarily that itwas a punishment, but it was an
appropriate consequence for themoment that led to a teaching
moment and that was what wasimportant about that.
So when you work with yourchildren on appropriate
(18:02):
expectations, sometimes youmight have to pause that phone
call to allow a quick moment.
But she never had to do itagain.
She never had to pause anyother phone conversations again
because it came down to thechildren learning that that was
an important expectation intheir house.
They also knew that momrespected them back.
(18:24):
So you might have to at times,pause what you're doing, but if
you do it right the first time,you won't have to pause it many
times after that.
If you can't have theconversation with your child
because of their developmentalstage, then I would plan some
phone calls.
If phone calls are the issuehere or if just one-on-one human
(18:47):
communication is the concern, Iwould have planned times with
that, with someone who you'regoing to set it up where you
know your kid's going tointerrupt, because they always
interrupt.
So you're going to sit downwith your friend and you're
going to let them interrupt andyou're going to play out your
plan.
Just like we teach our kidswhen they have anxiety, fears or
when they're not sure how towork through something, they
develop a plan.
You develop a plan and you playact that out so that you can
(19:10):
have planned ignoring of yourchild.
Or you can have your friend setup your child's wanting your
attention.
You might have to leave theroom but your friend's going to
stay in the room and be thewatchful eye of your child to
ensure the safety but also notgive them any attention.
Child didn't want the friend'sattention or vice versa.
Maybe your child always wantsyour friend's attention and to
(19:30):
pull that away.
So you can set up situations.
And when you can set up thesekinds of things planned, then
that reduces the times that it'sgoing to happen when it's
unplanned.
But even when it does happen,you have a game plan and you're
ready to go with it.
When is ignoring behaviorappropriate?
This is key.
When the behavior is to get myattention as a parent, then it
(19:53):
is appropriate to ignore thebehavior in a safe manner.
If you can leave the room,great.
If you can't leave the room,turn your back, plug your ears.
That sometimes just signals I'mnot listening, I'm not paying
attention, close your eyes.
Whatever you need to do toensure safety and to ensure that
you are changing behavior byignoring something that is
(20:17):
simply there to get yourattention in an inappropriate
manner.
Here's an example You're talkingto another person and a child
walks up and pulls on your shirt.
If you ignore this behavior andthey stop, then wait a beat,
stop your conversation or take abreak in it and then give them
your attention, say thank you somuch for not continuing to call
(20:40):
mom.
I appreciate that.
Give me one more minute tofinish what I was saying.
Can you put your hand righthere?
Then put your hand on top oftheirs, finish your conversation
.
Notice I gave them attentionfor appropriate behavior, but I
didn't stop my conversationbecause I still, as the adult,
get to finish that first.
They don't get to interrupt it.
(21:01):
So notice the carefulness there, because if they learn that,
they can tap you and then stopand be quiet and they're still
going to get to interrupt you.
That's not appropriate either.
So we want to make sure that wethank them for the good
behavior.
Teach them an alternative.
We always taught our kids putour hand on you and then I put
my hand on top of theirs.
I'll finish what I'm talkingabout.
Sometimes I've sat there for afull minute, but at the end of
(21:23):
the minute or at a good break inthe conversation we'll say
thank you so much for being sopatient.
What is it that you needed?
So that was the way that we didit, and by putting my hand on
top of theirs, I'm acknowledgingthem All it that we did it, and
by putting my hand on top oftheirs, I'm acknowledging them
All right.
So how frequently should wereward or punish our children?
That 100% depends on thebehavior.
(21:45):
Every time something happens,versus waiting until the end.
So, for example, do we rewardor punish every time, or do we
keep tally marks?
And at the end of the day or atthe end of the week we say, oh,
you've earned so muchelectronic time.
Or do we keep tally marks andat the end of the day or at the
end of the week we say, oh,you've earned so much electronic
time, or you've earned so muchI don't know cookies or whatever
it is that is motivating foryour child that you're able to
(22:07):
provide for them.
That completely depends on thebehavior and their developmental
stage.
So for young, young, youngchildren, you need to, right
there in the moment, immediatelyprovide reinforcement because
they're not able to think pastthat moment.
For children with ADHD, even ifthey're a little older,
(22:28):
sometimes they still need thatin the moment, immediate
attention, because they don'thave the ability to go back and
think about all the things thatthey did over the last day or
the last week.
As they mature, as they learnbehaviors, we do what's called
extinguishing, in a sense, andwe take away a little bit of the
immediate reward.
We make it last a little longer, because that's a life skill.
(22:51):
It is a life skill for us tolearn that we are not going to
get an immediate reward everytime we do what is expected of
us.
Expected behavior is expectedbehavior without a reward.
We go to jobs every day but wedon't get a paycheck except for
every two weeks.
That's an expected reward andthere's a lot of other rewards
(23:14):
in it, but that's just a simpleexample of how you're prepping
them for adulthood.
You're prepping them for thefact that if they're going to be
bagging groceries, that's notalways going to be rewarding at
the end of every bag cycle or atthe end of every day.
So we're starting with youngones rewarding immediately, and
as they grow older and theirdevelopmental stage progresses,
(23:45):
we are going to now make thereward time stretch so they do
more things, because these areexpected behaviors that all
people are expected to do treateach other with respect,
kindness, not interruptingconversations, those kinds of
things.
And so we stretch out thereward and now it starts coming
at the end of the day or at theend of a week and those kinds of
things.
And so we stretch out thereward and now it starts coming
at the end of the day or at theend of a week and those kinds of
things.
So that's the frequency.
It has to be very frequent atthe beginning, less frequent as
(24:09):
you go on.
But if you notice behavior cycleor change.
Maybe you had a hormonal shiftin your child, a developmental
stage, a growth spurt, whateverit is.
You might have to go back tobeing more instant on your
response and then stretch it outagain.
It's okay to go back and forth.
Don't think, oh, I failed, theywent back.
No, it was probably justsomething that happened in their
(24:31):
life.
Like I said, growth spurt,developmental change in the
brain, which we're glad thosedevelopmental change are
happening.
But because of thosedevelopmental changes we're
going to have to revert back anddo our short reward response
and then build back to it again.
And that's okay, that's normal.
So expect those be okay withthose.
It's not a reflection on you oryour child's growth and ability
(24:51):
.
All right.
Key things here Consistency I'vesaid this in all four of them.
Consistency between caregivers,family members.
Timing is so key.
Don't give up.
Stick with something for alittle while.
If you decide it's not workingand it needs to change, then
(25:12):
work to make a change, decidewhen that change is going to
happen and then make the change.
Don't wishy-washy, don't goback and forth between two of
them.
That is going to causeconfusion.
You're just going to havebehaviors last longer and it's
not comforting.
But never give up.
Trust your child's ability tolearn.
Trust your ability to do it.
(25:33):
Know that the word no, n-o and,because I said so, that
statement those are yourpowerhouses that need to be used
sometimes and wield them withfidelity.
Use them every time you need touse them to ensure your child
learns boundaries, learnsexpectations, learns the bumpers
of life, so that they can stayin the lane.
(25:55):
I don't know why I'mreferencing bowling today, but I
am.
Last example grocery store.
These are the hard ones.
You're in a cart or your kid'sin the cart.
You've got to get some stuffdone.
They start throwing the tantrum.
Maybe they wanted the chocolatebar and you rolled right past
it.
Whatever the situation may be,it's embarrassing.
(26:16):
In fact, I did a whole one onlady get control of your kid,
which was a great blog that Italked about, and I didn't do
the blog, I was talking aboutsomeone else's.
It might be embarrassing, butyou might have to finish grocery
shopping that day and justswallow that little bit of
embarrassment and know in yourheart of hearts you're doing
(26:37):
everything you can just to getthrough that day and that's okay
.
There might be other days thatyou can ask the store clerk or
someone hey, I need to leave mycart here and take my kid out to
the car real quick.
Can you please make sure theydon't unload my cart or whatever
.
Sure, no problem, Take your kidout.
Or you might need to say I'msorry, I have a whole cartload
(26:58):
of stuff here, but my kids losein their ever loving mind and
I'm going to have to leave ithere.
So I'm sorry to have to ask youguys to restock it all, and
most of them will be like thanksfor the heads up, because I've
seen abandoned grocery cartsbefore.
Key thing is if you ditch thecart, if you stay in the store,
whatever it is, you're going todo your best to still ignore the
(27:19):
behavior, which means you'renot making eye contact with your
child, you're not giving themany physical reinforcement of
hugs or snuggles unless you knowthat that's what they need.
Maybe there's a sensory andemotional thing that's a little
different.
We're talking about a tantrum,not a sensory, not an emotional
letdown, not a fear of somethingor someone that happened in the
(27:40):
grocery store.
Those are different.
We're talking about a tantrum.
So if you're talking about atantrum, you're ignoring it,
you're going to not make eyecontact, you're not going to
give the physical reassurance ofit.
You're going to go home if youcan, but if you can't, you're
going to finish what you have todo and you're going to have
confidence in yourself and saythat's okay.
I got to get through this todaybecause I need the stinking
groceries in my cart and in myhouse.
But at the end of the day, whentheir behavior turns around,
(28:05):
you're going to recognize thatwith a treat, with a hug, with
whatever it is.
You're going to talk about itor you're going to use visuals.
Now here's the key part on thatone, and you can use this in
any situation grocery store,friend's house, whatever it is,
park, et cetera.
The next time, you're going todo your best to arrange to go
(28:26):
without them and you're going tocome home with a treat for
yourself, maybe, or for thesibling that went with them and
was well, and you're going tomake sure that they see it.
You're not going to rub it intheir face, we're not going to
be rude, but we're going to belike no, you did so great at the
store today.
You're going to get a treat.
Then the third time, they mightwant to come to the store with
(28:46):
you again, or you might get inthe car and say, hey, I know we
struggled last time.
I would like you to through thewhole store today without
getting emotional with me orwithout feeling sad or without
screaming whatever it is youwant to work on, and then you
can say, and just before weleave, when we're in the aisle
or when we're here, or maybe youbring it with you you can have
this treat, this item, and thenthat's something they're going
(29:10):
to earn.
So remember, this is specialneeds.
Parenting, this is love and youdo have this.
You got this.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, health
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Have you ever struggled withknowing how and when to
(00:43):
consequence or discipline yourspecial needs child?
I know that I have.
Hi everyone, welcome to theSpecial Parent Podcast.
This is Dr Deanna Iverson, andI'm here for part three of
talking to you about disciplineand special needs.
Parts one and two were uniqueand kind of went over strategies
how couples because part one, Ihad my husband with me.
(01:04):
How couples because part one, Ihad my husband with me how
couples can navigate thistogether different tips and
tricks and challenges.
I felt there were still somelittle things to address.
So this part three, while we'regoing to review some of that,
we're also going to talk aboutsome specific examples, and some
of it might be a little bitagain of a review, but we're
going to dive a little deeperinto some special situations
(01:26):
that I've had parents mention,that have come up to them and
they're just like I'm just sofrustrated I don't know what to
do about this one.
So reality, when our childrenare born with special needs, we
already know that life is goingto come with challenges.
We already know that there aregoing to be things that they
can't do, that some otherchildren can do or maybe is
(01:48):
going to take them longer tolearn, or there's going to be
extra limitations and as aparent, this can be
heartbreaking.
It is heartbreaking and so itcan also make us in a sense
nervous to discipline.
Why?
Because discipline feels likeanother limitation.
I'm pointing out my child can'tdo something and I'm
(02:08):
consequencing them for it.
In reality, when it'sappropriate discipline for a
behavior that needs to becorrected, what we're really
saying to our child is I believein your ability to learn, I
believe in your ability to grow,I believe in you.
And we're also saying toourself I believe I can do this,
(02:28):
and sometimes we just need tohear that.
So in part one we discusseddiscipline norms and in part two
.
I discussed a little bit abouthaving a disability and how that
can impact how we disciplineour child, which is very
individualized.
So I promise you here child,which is very individualized.
So I promise you here I don'thave the golden goose egg of an
(02:49):
answer for anybody, because itis individualized.
Our children are so differentand so unique and so wonderful,
and that also means that everyparent and every child are going
to have a unique situationwhere discipline is going to
work for some that doesn't workfor others.
I mean, heck, with three kids,some discipline works for one of
(03:10):
my children and not the otherone.
So there is just this lovelyplay act that takes place
between parent and child.
Most other parents absolutelyhave the best intentions when
they talk to us about hey, haveyou tried this discipline?
And most of us, as specialneeds parents, feel like going
(03:31):
duh.
Of course I have.
But again we have to remindourselves they have the best of
intentions, they're trying to behelpful.
We a lot of times know thatwe've tried a million things and
we're just struggling.
Maybe it's not that we're notdoing the right thing, it's just
it's taking 10 times longerthan it does for a child who
doesn't have the struggles andthe disabilities that our child
(03:55):
does.
So being graceful with thosearound us, especially friends
and family, who just love on usand want to help us, and then,
at the same time, being gracefulwith ourselves and knowing that
some of these things just taketime.
So some advice that I heard.
I read an article one time thatsaid you shouldn't ever say no
(04:20):
to your child.
Nope, that bad advice.
So whoever wrote that article,I'm sorry.
I absolutely, as a professional, completely disagree with you
on that.
I say you should give specificdirection and it's very healthy
for a child to hear the word nobecause, guess what?
We all hear the word no, evenas adults.
(04:40):
We hear the word no.
We hear no.
You can't do that.
We're told there are boundariesthat we have to follow.
So again I say, with all therespect on the planet to the
person who wrote that article, Idisagree with you.
Children need to hear the wordno.
They need to understand why theno happens sometimes, but
(05:02):
sometimes they just simply needto know it's because mom and dad
said so, and that's okay too.
We can find the happy mediumbetween these.
There are times that both areabsolutely appropriate.
Many psychologists andscientists and I researched this
because I thought whoa, I can'tbe the only one and I'm not
Many psychologists andscientists don't agree with that
(05:24):
statement at all.
They don't agree that childrenshould never hear no.
In fact, they say we must giveinstruction.
While we teach limitations,restrictions, boundaries,
whatever you want to call them,we are teaching appropriate
behaviors.
We are teaching appropriateexpectations.
So, by all means, when a childdoes something they shouldn't do
(05:47):
, sometimes they need to hear no.
We don't do that.
No, not acceptable.
If a child is going to dosomething dangerous, are you not
going to yell stop.
Of course you are, becauseyou're a loving, caring,
responsible parent and that'sjust a form of no and that's
okay too.
So why would someone give thatadvice?
(06:07):
Why would they do that?
When a child does hear the wordno, they may experience guilt oh
my gosh, I did something wrong.
They may not understand whyit's happening.
They may be confused.
That can sometimes impact theirself-esteem for a small moment.
So that advice probably camefrom a very good and
(06:31):
well-intentioned person who wastrying to say don't make your
child feel guilty, let's notconfuse our children, let's
teach our children.
But you can still do that withsetting those appropriate
boundaries of no.
But you can still do that withsetting those appropriate
boundaries of no.
In fact, let's be honest If wetell our child no and it upsets
(06:53):
them, we feel it.
We as parents feel that pain inour heart when our children are
disappointed or are sad or areconfused.
So it's important to teach themthese boundaries and it's
important to understand theiremotions as they learn these
boundaries too.
The important reality is thatno is a tool.
No is a tool.
Stop is a tool.
These are things that ensurehealthy emotional and brain
(07:16):
development.
So, by all means, please use no, and please use because I said
so.
Let's dive in a little deeper.
The developing brain in allchildren, even children with
special needs, it's looking forpatterns of life.
It's looking for limitations.
What can I do?
What can I not do?
It's looking for boundaries.
(07:37):
The brain wants those.
So when neuroconnections aretaking place, neurons are firing
all over the place.
In the developing brain, ifsomething goes bink and touches,
especially if it binks a coupledifferent times and reinforces,
it now forms a strongconnection.
If something's touching and yougo no boop, it breaks that
(07:58):
connection.
So I've talked a little bitabout discipline and the
difference between positive andnegative reinforcements.
You have to be careful, becauseyou can accidentally bing
strengthen a reinforcer by notrealizing you're reinforcing a
behavior.
That can be an accidental thingand guess what?
You still can prune that backapart.
It's just going to take a longtime, but the brain is looking
(08:20):
for that.
So when we provide a no, whenwe provide a consequence or
something that says I don't likethat behavior, that's not a
productive thing to do, then westop that neuron connection from
strengthening.
And that's why it's important,because our brain wants to know
what neurons should connect andwhich ones don't.
Because your brain's going togrow a lot of neurons and it's
(08:40):
going to prune and get rid of alot too over this growth cycle.
So we want our kids to justconnect the good ones.
Sometimes we don't have controlover that, but the best that we
can do in our ability is whatwe're looking for here.
So I'll give you an example.
It is just before dinner timeand for every family that's
different.
So let's just say it's fiveo'clock.
(09:02):
It's five o'clock, you're busycooking up dinner.
Dinner's going to be at 530-ishtime.
You're busy cooking up dinnerand your child comes and starts
getting in for a snack.
No, you need to wait for dinner.
I'm clear, I'm concise, directand to the point.
The tantrum starts.
Well, I'm not going to sit downon the floor and go.
(09:23):
Let me explain to you why this.
No, no, no, no, no, we're notdoing that.
No, you need to wait for dinner.
The tantrum starts, you ignorethe tantrum and you keep cooking
dinner.
Now do you have to make sureyour child is safe?
Of course you do.
I'm not saying anything that'sunsafe should go ignored.
However, you will ignore ituntil it stops.
(09:43):
Once it stops, or you'll ignoreit until they get quiet and
then they try for the snackagain and you know, same exact
no, you need to wait for dinnerBecause you and I, as parents,
know that if they have thatsnack which is not the
healthiest thing on the planet,it's just a quick filler they're
not going to eat as much of thehealthy stuff for dinner and if
(10:05):
you have a special needs child,a lot of them have dietary
issues already as it is.
So the last thing we need is forthem to have those empty
fillers.
Clear, concise, to the point.
You're done.
We're not having this anymore.
Tantrum.
Ignore it the minute thetantrum stops, as long as
they're not reaching for a snackagain and trying to be a sneaky
(10:27):
pants.
You could even say, no, youneed to wait for dinner and
don't sneak.
So they know they got caught intwo things.
But as long as they're nottrying to be the sneaky pants,
even if they just quieted andthey're on the floor, then you
can say something to the factthat I'm really glad to see you
calm down.
You did very well, but you keepcooking dinner.
(10:48):
You recognize the good behavior, but you keep cooking dinner.
You're not going to halteverything you do.
You're not going to reward themwith the snack.
Maybe you reward them withsomething else.
Maybe you give them a fidgettoy or something like that.
But we're going to focus ontraining.
The behavior of A mom said no,she's going to stick with what
(11:09):
she says with.
She sticks with what she says.
And the expectation is clear Ineed to wait for dinner.
And guess what?
By the time they're teenagers,they'll learn they need to wait
for dinner.
You'll have a little bit lessof a battle to fight.
I'm not saying it's perfect,I'm saying it's a progress and
you're heading towards a goal.
So in the developing brain,what's interesting is the hunger
part of your brain isincredibly efficient.
That's almost like theanimalistic part of our brain.
(11:30):
That's why we always use theword hangry for adults.
Oh, they're getting hangry overthere Because that hunger part
is efficient and it's going tothrow the tantrum.
It's going to not want to bepatient, not want to wait for
anything.
That is in the developing brainfor a reason survival.
We, as adults, know that we areproviding them plenty of
(11:55):
survival food.
They're right now trying tomanipulate behavior.
They don't know they're tryingto do that.
They're just children.
They're doing exactly whatchildren are supposed to do,
which is find the boundaries andpush against them.
So what are we going to do?
We're just going to tell themwhere the boundary is and hold
the line.
We're not going to get angry.
We're not going to spend hoursexplaining where they've now
(12:16):
lost interest.
We're just going to state whatneeds to be stated and move on,
because we are training theirbrain for adulthood, for
teenagehood, for the ability tobe patient and wait for things
like food, a friend getting on atoy or an electronic when they
(12:36):
need to wait for that.
So the underdeveloped brain isnot patient, but the hunger part
is developed fully.
So what we're trying to do isteach our children that,
regardless of what is happeningin the brain at the moment, they
can still learn to have somecontrol.
They don't understand that'swhat we're teaching them, but we
(12:56):
as parents know that If westick with it they are going to
learn to regulate their it.
They are going to learn toregulate their anxiety.
They are going to learn toregulate their emotions and
their response to them.
But we have to be willing tostick with quick, clear
directions.
And again, as they get older,we explain them more.
But when they're younger, quick, clear directions with very
(13:18):
little explanation as theydevelop the part of their brain
that controls it and specialneeds kids are most likely going
to develop this part a littlebit slower, especially ones that
have cognitive or learningdisabilities.
But as they develop it they'regoing to have some stronger
reactions.
At time You're going to see kindof that ebb and flow.
(13:39):
It's going to get better andthen you might be like we were
doing so well, what the heckjust happened?
Hormonal changes we're allfamiliar with those.
We talk about them all the timein teenage years, but we have
to remember they're happeningall the way throughout childhood
.
So things will get better.
Then you'll have the hormonalchange and you'll have to revert
back to what you were doingbefore.
Then they'll get better again.
(14:02):
So hang in there, because withspecial needs kids it's going to
take longer, but you're in thisfor the long haul, because you
love them and you know that thisis awesome.
Consistency is what's going toget you and them through.
You, because you know what tosay and do every time.
Them because once they hear itagain oh, that's right, this is
what we're going to do.
Once they hear it again andagain, their timing of response
(14:23):
is going to shrink and they'repretty soon going to become more
and more compliant a little bitfaster.
Know is good when adult behaviorpattern is key.
So clear expectations and clearboundaries Because I said so is
also good and is an appropriateexpectation, because you are
(14:43):
the parent and you do know morethan them and better than them.
In fact, I love it whenteenagers act like we don't know
what we're talking about, andsometimes I'll say to my son I
get that you don't think I knowwhat I'm talking about, but
sometimes I just need you torecognize that I've got
experience on my side and if I'mwrong, we can talk about that
later, but right now you'regoing to do what I say and
(15:05):
you're going to trust I'm doingit for your good.
So those are patterns that youcan establish with your children
Like, hey, it's okay to trustme, I'm going to do what I think
is best for you and if it endedup not being best, we're going
to work that out on the otherside of this together.
But right now you need to learnto trust me.
So children that have had aprimary trauma where they've had
(15:29):
a parent they cannot trust,this is going to be harder to do
with, and so you have tosometimes just stick with the
clear and concise and keeppushing through with that.
And so if you have a child thathas that primary trauma, get
extra help.
This is going to be harder foryou because they're not going to
(15:50):
automatically trust you andthat's not on you, that's not
your responsibility to 100%solve.
You can't do it on your own.
So get some extra help withthat.
Okay, all right.
Another example, because I saidthis one was going to be about
kind of some examples that hadcome up.
Another example responding toloud behavior by giving your
(16:11):
child attention.
Typically, loud behavior isjust really a fun time, or it's
loud because they wanted you toreact.
So if you give them thereaction, guess what you're
gonna get again Loud behavior.
So negative versus positiveattention is still attention.
So I had a fellow parent.
This was brilliant.
(16:32):
Kids were kind of.
She was on the phone.
She had asked them to be quiet.
They were being loud.
They were not being quiet.
She just very first time shehad to do this.
It was hilarious.
She paused the phone.
She had asked them to be quiet.
They were being loud, they werenot being quiet.
She just very first time shehad to do this.
It was hilarious.
She paused the phoneconversation.
She put the phone down.
She walked outside.
She goes oh my gosh, kids comeout here Like really excited,
and they come running out.
She turns around.
(16:53):
She walks in and closes thedoor and locks it Again.
The kids were safe.
She was able to watch throughthe window, but then she ignored
them and finished her phonecall.
After the phone call was over,she unlocked the door, had them
come in and sit down.
She said why did I do that?
They knew because we were beingloud.
Did I ask you to stop?
(17:13):
Yes, did you stop?
No, that's why you got lockedoutside.
Do you want to get lockedoutside again?
No, that's why you got lockedoutside.
Do you want to get lockedoutside again?
No, all right, then when I askyou to be quiet, you need to be
quiet.
It wasn't a long conversation.
It didn't make them roll theireyes back in their head and fall
asleep.
Developmentally they were readyfor that kind of conversation.
But this is how sometimes youhave to get creative.
(17:35):
Now, if they liked gettinglocked outside, boom backfire.
You just reinforced theirbehavior.
But in this situation that'spretty unlikely they're going to
get the point.
It's not necessarily that itwas a punishment, but it was an
appropriate consequence for themoment that led to a teaching
moment and that was what wasimportant about that.
So when you work with yourchildren on appropriate
(18:02):
expectations, sometimes youmight have to pause that phone
call to allow a quick moment.
But she never had to do itagain.
She never had to pause anyother phone conversations again
because it came down to thechildren learning that that was
an important expectation intheir house.
They also knew that momrespected them back.
(18:24):
So you might have to at times,pause what you're doing, but if
you do it right the first time,you won't have to pause it many
times after that.
If you can't have theconversation with your child
because of their developmentalstage, then I would plan some
phone calls.
If phone calls are the issuehere or if just one-on-one human
(18:47):
communication is the concern, Iwould have planned times with
that, with someone who you'regoing to set it up where you
know your kid's going tointerrupt, because they always
interrupt.
So you're going to sit downwith your friend and you're
going to let them interrupt andyou're going to play out your
plan.
Just like we teach our kidswhen they have anxiety, fears or
when they're not sure how towork through something, they
develop a plan.
You develop a plan and you playact that out so that you can
(19:10):
have planned ignoring of yourchild.
Or you can have your friend setup your child's wanting your
attention.
You might have to leave theroom but your friend's going to
stay in the room and be thewatchful eye of your child to
ensure the safety but also notgive them any attention.
Child didn't want the friend'sattention or vice versa.
Maybe your child always wantsyour friend's attention and to
(19:30):
pull that away.
So you can set up situations.
And when you can set up thesekinds of things planned, then
that reduces the times that it'sgoing to happen when it's
unplanned.
But even when it does happen,you have a game plan and you're
ready to go with it.
When is ignoring behaviorappropriate?
This is key.
When the behavior is to get myattention as a parent, then it
(19:53):
is appropriate to ignore thebehavior in a safe manner.
If you can leave the room,great.
If you can't leave the room,turn your back, plug your ears.
That sometimes just signals I'mnot listening, I'm not paying
attention, close your eyes.
Whatever you need to do toensure safety and to ensure that
you are changing behavior byignoring something that is
(20:17):
simply there to get yourattention in an inappropriate
manner.
Here's an example You're talkingto another person and a child
walks up and pulls on your shirt.
If you ignore this behavior andthey stop, then wait a beat,
stop your conversation or take abreak in it and then give them
your attention, say thank you somuch for not continuing to call
(20:40):
mom.
I appreciate that.
Give me one more minute tofinish what I was saying.
Can you put your hand righthere?
Then put your hand on top oftheirs, finish your conversation
.
Notice I gave them attentionfor appropriate behavior, but I
didn't stop my conversationbecause I still, as the adult,
get to finish that first.
They don't get to interrupt it.
(21:01):
So notice the carefulness there, because if they learn that,
they can tap you and then stopand be quiet and they're still
going to get to interrupt you.
That's not appropriate either.
So we want to make sure that wethank them for the good
behavior.
Teach them an alternative.
We always taught our kids putour hand on you and then I put
my hand on top of theirs.
I'll finish what I'm talkingabout.
Sometimes I've sat there for afull minute, but at the end of
(21:23):
the minute or at a good break inthe conversation we'll say
thank you so much for being sopatient.
What is it that you needed?
So that was the way that we didit, and by putting my hand on
top of theirs, I'm acknowledgingthem All it that we did it, and
by putting my hand on top oftheirs, I'm acknowledging them
All right.
So how frequently should wereward or punish our children?
That 100% depends on thebehavior.
(21:45):
Every time something happens,versus waiting until the end.
So, for example, do we rewardor punish every time, or do we
keep tally marks?
And at the end of the day or atthe end of the week we say, oh,
you've earned so muchelectronic time.
Or do we keep tally marks andat the end of the day or at the
end of the week we say, oh,you've earned so much electronic
time, or you've earned so muchI don't know cookies or whatever
it is that is motivating foryour child that you're able to
(22:07):
provide for them.
That completely depends on thebehavior and their developmental
stage.
So for young, young, youngchildren, you need to, right
there in the moment, immediatelyprovide reinforcement because
they're not able to think pastthat moment.
For children with ADHD, even ifthey're a little older,
(22:28):
sometimes they still need thatin the moment, immediate
attention, because they don'thave the ability to go back and
think about all the things thatthey did over the last day or
the last week.
As they mature, as they learnbehaviors, we do what's called
extinguishing, in a sense, andwe take away a little bit of the
immediate reward.
We make it last a little longer, because that's a life skill.
(22:51):
It is a life skill for us tolearn that we are not going to
get an immediate reward everytime we do what is expected of
us.
Expected behavior is expectedbehavior without a reward.
We go to jobs every day but wedon't get a paycheck except for
every two weeks.
That's an expected reward andthere's a lot of other rewards
(23:14):
in it, but that's just a simpleexample of how you're prepping
them for adulthood.
You're prepping them for thefact that if they're going to be
bagging groceries, that's notalways going to be rewarding at
the end of every bag cycle or atthe end of every day.
So we're starting with youngones rewarding immediately, and
as they grow older and theirdevelopmental stage progresses,
(23:45):
we are going to now make thereward time stretch so they do
more things, because these areexpected behaviors that all
people are expected to do treateach other with respect,
kindness, not interruptingconversations, those kinds of
things.
And so we stretch out thereward and now it starts coming
at the end of the day or at theend of a week and those kinds of
things.
And so we stretch out thereward and now it starts coming
at the end of the day or at theend of a week and those kinds of
things.
So that's the frequency.
It has to be very frequent atthe beginning, less frequent as
(24:09):
you go on.
But if you notice behavior cycleor change.
Maybe you had a hormonal shiftin your child, a developmental
stage, a growth spurt, whateverit is.
You might have to go back tobeing more instant on your
response and then stretch it outagain.
It's okay to go back and forth.
Don't think, oh, I failed, theywent back.
No, it was probably justsomething that happened in their
(24:31):
life.
Like I said, growth spurt,developmental change in the
brain, which we're glad thosedevelopmental change are
happening.
But because of thosedevelopmental changes we're
going to have to revert back anddo our short reward response
and then build back to it again.
And that's okay, that's normal.
So expect those be okay withthose.
It's not a reflection on you oryour child's growth and ability
(24:51):
.
All right.
Key things here Consistency I'vesaid this in all four of them.
Consistency between caregivers,family members.
Timing is so key.
Don't give up.
Stick with something for alittle while.
If you decide it's not workingand it needs to change, then
(25:12):
work to make a change, decidewhen that change is going to
happen and then make the change.
Don't wishy-washy, don't goback and forth between two of
them.
That is going to causeconfusion.
You're just going to havebehaviors last longer and it's
not comforting.
But never give up.
Trust your child's ability tolearn.
Trust your ability to do it.
(25:33):
Know that the word no, n-o and,because I said so, that
statement those are yourpowerhouses that need to be used
sometimes and wield them withfidelity.
Use them every time you need touse them to ensure your child
learns boundaries, learnsexpectations, learns the bumpers
of life, so that they can stayin the lane.
(25:55):
I don't know why I'mreferencing bowling today, but I
am.
Last example grocery store.
These are the hard ones.
You're in a cart or your kid'sin the cart.
You've got to get some stuffdone.
They start throwing the tantrum.
Maybe they wanted the chocolatebar and you rolled right past
it.
Whatever the situation may be,it's embarrassing.
(26:16):
In fact, I did a whole one onlady get control of your kid,
which was a great blog that Italked about, and I didn't do
the blog, I was talking aboutsomeone else's.
It might be embarrassing, butyou might have to finish grocery
shopping that day and justswallow that little bit of
embarrassment and know in yourheart of hearts you're doing
(26:37):
everything you can just to getthrough that day and that's okay
.
There might be other days thatyou can ask the store clerk or
someone hey, I need to leave mycart here and take my kid out to
the car real quick.
Can you please make sure theydon't unload my cart or whatever
.
Sure, no problem, Take your kidout.
Or you might need to say I'msorry, I have a whole cartload
(26:58):
of stuff here, but my kids losein their ever loving mind and
I'm going to have to leave ithere.
So I'm sorry to have to ask youguys to restock it all, and
most of them will be like thanksfor the heads up, because I've
seen abandoned grocery cartsbefore.
Key thing is if you ditch thecart, if you stay in the store,
whatever it is, you're going todo your best to still ignore the
(27:19):
behavior, which means you'renot making eye contact with your
child, you're not giving themany physical reinforcement of
hugs or snuggles unless you knowthat that's what they need.
Maybe there's a sensory andemotional thing that's a little
different.
We're talking about a tantrum,not a sensory, not an emotional
letdown, not a fear of somethingor someone that happened in the
(27:40):
grocery store.
Those are different.
We're talking about a tantrum.
So if you're talking about atantrum, you're ignoring it,
you're going to not make eyecontact, you're not going to
give the physical reassurance ofit.
You're going to go home if youcan, but if you can't, you're
going to finish what you have todo and you're going to have
confidence in yourself and saythat's okay.
I got to get through this todaybecause I need the stinking
groceries in my cart and in myhouse.
But at the end of the day, whentheir behavior turns around,
(28:05):
you're going to recognize thatwith a treat, with a hug, with
whatever it is.
You're going to talk about itor you're going to use visuals.
Now here's the key part on thatone, and you can use this in
any situation grocery store,friend's house, whatever it is,
park, et cetera.
The next time, you're going todo your best to arrange to go
(28:26):
without them and you're going tocome home with a treat for
yourself, maybe, or for thesibling that went with them and
was well, and you're going tomake sure that they see it.
You're not going to rub it intheir face, we're not going to
be rude, but we're going to belike no, you did so great at the
store today.
You're going to get a treat.
Then the third time, they mightwant to come to the store with
(28:46):
you again, or you might get inthe car and say, hey, I know we
struggled last time.
I would like you to through thewhole store today without
getting emotional with me orwithout feeling sad or without
screaming whatever it is youwant to work on, and then you
can say, and just before weleave, when we're in the aisle
or when we're here, or maybe youbring it with you you can have
this treat, this item, and thenthat's something they're going
(29:10):
to earn.
So remember, this is specialneeds.
Parenting, this is love and youdo have this.
You got this.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
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