November 4, 2024 • 26 mins
Uncover the keys to helping your child conquer back-to-school anxiety with the Special Parent Podcast. Join us for an enriching conversation with Shauna Fox as we explore strategies to support children, especially those with special needs, in navigating the emotional landscape of returning to the classroom. Discover how to validate your child's feelings, while teaching them that emotions don't always equate to reality. Our discussion provides insights into addressing classroom anxiety, social stress, and personal grief, ensuring your child feels confident and understood as they face these external pressures.
Empower your child's morning routine with practical tips designed to foster independence, particularly for those with ADHD. From personalized checklists to music playlists, learn how to turn chaotic mornings into seamless starts. We emphasize building resilience through controlled exposure to fear, allowing children to gain confidence and inner strength. Parents can benefit too, as we share strategies to manage the challenges along this journey. Join us in this episode for a wealth of knowledge to support your child's emotional well-being and boost their confidence for the school year ahead.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Has your child ever feltanxious about attending school?
(00:42):
I know my children have.
Hi everyone, and welcome to theSpecial Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson.
Today we're continuing our talksabout fear and anxiety in our
children, and some of this caneven be applied to ourselves.
So today, specifically talkingabout going back to school, I
had a special guest and we did acouple episodes actually on
(01:05):
back to school tips, tricks,especially for special needs
parents.
So Shauna Fox and I have athree-part series that is
already posted.
So if you haven't had a chanceto go to specialparentorg and
check that out, I highlyrecommend it.
Even if you're into the schoolyear, it's still a good way.
Maybe it can help kind ofrewrite a rocky ship or help you
with that second semester start.
(01:27):
Our goal as parents is toempower our children.
We want to help our childrennavigate the emotions that
they're going to experienceAnxiety and fear are normal.
In fact, all of our emotionsare normal.
They're all part of oureveryday life, our everyday
experience as human beings.
It's how we navigate theseemotions that's key.
(01:49):
It's critical to our success asadults and our success in our
relationships.
So emotions happen to us.
A statement that is frequentlymade with the community that I
work with is that your feelingsaren't facts.
They're real, but they're notnecessarily the facts of the
situation, because fourdifferent people can be in the
(02:12):
same situation and have fourdifferent feelings.
So your feelings, while they'rereal to you and we want to
teach our children this are notnecessarily the facts of the
situation.
And that's where we have to gofrom our middle limbic brain,
which is just a reaction emotioncenter brain, coming forward to
our thinking brain and we haveto say is this a real way that
(02:34):
we want to feel about thissituation?
School, school can produce a lotof anxiety and a lot of fear,
yet it's not something that wespecifically need to be fearful
and anxious about.
So as parents, we need toempower our children with a way
that they can overcome, pushthrough and find success,
(02:56):
regardless of the anxiety andthe fear that they're
experiencing.
Psychology Today saidreasonable emotions can cloud
our ability to judge situations.
Anxiety about school can beexhausting for both parents and
for children.
It can exhaust us both.
I know that for me just at thebeginning of school.
(03:19):
As a parent, I'm nervous, I'mexcited, I'm ready for them.
I'm also at the time going.
I hope they get good teachers,I hope the teacher understands
their IEP.
So I'm going through all thesethoughts in my brain and,
strangely enough, I've beenthrough school and I'm still
experiencing these emotions.
So I can only imagine, becauseI don't really remember as a kid
(03:42):
all of it, but I do remembersometimes lying in bed the night
before school started,sometimes unable to sleep,
because I don't really rememberas a kid all of it, but I do
remember sometimes lying in bedthe night before school started,
sometimes unable to sleepbecause I had so many different
emotions going in.
So one of the things I talkedabout specifically in my first
two sessions on anxiety was howimportant it is as parents that
we question correctly.
So, walking up to our childwho's having trouble sleeping
(04:02):
the night before or the weekleading up to school, we want to
say something like, hey, howare you feeling about school
starting?
And let them come out with allthe feelings, the excitement,
the anxiety, the this, the that,and say I can totally
understand.
I remember when I startedschool and have a great
conversation, then also talkabout, hey, I got through it and
(04:24):
you will too, and empower themwith that hope.
What we don't wanna say is areyou anxious about school?
Are you scared to go back toschool?
Because what we do when we askthe question that way is we tell
them that that's probably afeeling they should be having.
So that's why it's reallyimportant to question children
in a particular way.
Hey, if you've asked thosequestions before and you're now
(04:47):
going, oh man, don't worry aboutit, you're probably going to do
it again.
I know I still do sometimes,and sometimes, as my kids grow
up, I even say you know what?
I didn't ask that correctly.
Let me rephrase that, andthat's okay.
That's okay as a parent.
Maybe they're anxious becausethey're going to be called on
(05:07):
making friends, being teased,room packed with the people I
know our high school classes canbe up to 30 plus students,
whereas some of our elementaryschool classes 20, 25 students.
That's still a lot of kids inone room for one adult to be
working with, and they can evenfeel that everyone's looking at
them or they can feel thatnobody cares about them.
So you can have these widerange of emotions and every
(05:30):
child's going to fall in themiddle somewhere and guess what?
There is fear about beingcalled on.
There is what if I don't knowthe answer?
Or what if I do know the answerand I couldn't get it out.
So we have to work throughstrategies on that.
Maybe they're anxious because ofoutside of school situations.
Maybe they have some internalfeelings.
Maybe they're having grief Afamily member or even a pet
(05:52):
passed away recently and I don'twant to go back to school.
I'm still dealing with theseemotions.
Or maybe they have some lowself-esteem.
That's going on and they'reunsure of themselves.
Those are all completely normaland that might impact how they
feel about going to school, eventhough it's actually not about
school.
So helping our childrenidentify that is really critical
(06:16):
to helping them processing ittoo.
Or maybe they're anxious abouttheir abilities.
Some of our students that arein our special ed classes and my
children know, you know, I'vegot these areas I'm just not
good in, and going to schoolsometimes highlights for me that
I'm not good at it and otherpeople are good at it.
(06:37):
So they might be anxiousbecause of their own inabilities
in a subject area, theirstruggles with their behavior,
their struggles with theirbehavior, their struggles with
their ADHD and ability to payattention.
Maybe they have tics.
Sometimes children with autismor on medications will develop
tics.
So these are all things thatthey could be nervous about, and
(06:58):
I probably didn't even hit allof them.
In fact I'm sure I didn't.
So that's just a start.
So what do we do?
First and foremost, we want toask those open-ended questions
to help our children articulatewhat's going on.
And we may have to continuouslydig, because the first time you
ask the question we may not getdeep enough and your child may
(07:19):
not be able to really pinpointwhat's going on.
And it may not be just onesituation.
It could be.
You know, my cat died threemonths ago, but now that I'm
starting school I don't have mycat to snuggle with and make me
feel comfortable.
So it's actually multiplethings that are happening.
So when we dig deep and digover time, asking those
(07:41):
open-ended questions, we givethem an opportunity to process.
Remember, when we talkendedquestions, we give them an
opportunity to process.
Remember, when we talk throughthings, we process them
emotionally too, which is why alot of talk therapy is good.
So what if my child has a hardtime talking about things?
Exactly right, a lot of kids do.
Communication is a barrier for alot of children, so let's find
(08:03):
other ways to help themcommunicate.
Drawing is a good one,journaling if they can write.
But if they can write, they can.
Probably a lot of them can talk, but maybe they don't want to,
they're not comfortable yet.
So journaling might be best.
But drawing is one way to do it.
Printing off pictures ofdifferent things, allowing them
to kind of create a cut andpaste collage about how they're
(08:25):
feeling about the situation.
So there's a lot of differentways you can help them express
what it is that they're goingthrough, maybe even have them
create a song or create a gameout of it.
If you can get your child tojust in a way, tell you this is
how I'm feeling, even if it'swithout words, then you can help
(08:46):
them process those feelings,and sometimes the processing is
just a simple hug from mom anddad and saying I understand
completely why you feel that way.
I also believe that you'regoing to be okay because it's a
safe environment and I'm gonnahelp you get through this.
And sometimes that's all theyneed If they're having trouble
getting out of bed to go toschool.
(09:06):
What's hard about that isschool is not very good at
helping with that problembecause they're not there.
So my child's having troublegetting out of bed in the
morning.
I'm going to tell you right nowbribery sometimes is the
parent's best weapon tool.
Bribery can be the best tool.
Hey, if you want to have yourphone, your electronics, if you
(09:29):
want to play at Susie's house,if you want to, well, you may
have to use it.
If you want to play with thedog, if you want a piece of gum
after school, go get a treatafter school, whatever it is.
If you want me to put a candyin your lunch today, I need you
to get up and go, and evensometimes thinking about the
whole day is too much, so let'swheel it back.
(09:51):
Let's say all right, when youget out of bed and go brush your
teeth, there's going to be afive minute token for
electronics.
All you have to think about isthat I got the token.
On the back of it's going to bemaybe just use poker chips or
cards and on the front do fiveminutes.
And on the back tape, anotherpiece of paper that says what
the next step is.
And the next step is eatbreakfast and at the toaster or
(10:15):
wherever it is the plate thatthey're going to put breakfast
on, you have another five minutetoken.
So they get five more minutesof electronics time and of
course these numbers can beadjusted for your need.
But then on the back of thatit's going to say the next thing
.
So they're not thinking Fromthe minute they get up.
They're not thinking about thewhole day, they're thinking
about the next step.
So when we break down thingsinto steps, sometimes that can
(10:37):
help curtail the anxiety of thewhole situation and that can
really help us out.
So small issues like that, orbig issues, can be broken into
small issues by just tacklingone thing at a time.
So step one helping themidentify the problem.
If they can't identify whatthey're feeling and what's
(10:57):
making them feel that way, thenwe're going to have a hard time
helping them push through andresolve it.
So identifying it by asking theopen-ending questions, and then
what they're feeling by askingthe opening-end questions about
their emotions.
Step two now is focus on whatyou can control.
I can control getting up andbrushing my teeth.
I can control eating breakfast.
(11:19):
I can control getting on thebus.
When I'm on the bus, I cancontrol where I sit, and that
may or may not be a possibility,but if that is a stress, it is
something that can be worked outwith the school, absolutely
something that you can get helpwith as far as transportation
goes.
So that's where you can starttagging in the school.
(11:41):
In an area where you as aparent now have to relinquish
some control, you can tag in theschool to help you out.
Focus on what you can control.
Most fear is learned.
Most fear is not there from thetime we're born.
It is something we learn bywatching others or we learn it
(12:02):
because of interactions that wehave that cause us to feel that
way.
So, since most fear is learned,that means it can be unlearned.
Now, that does take time, soplease take the time to walk
your children through this.
Say, okay, you learned thatthat was something to be afraid
(12:22):
of, but I can tell you right nowit is.
There are, for example, in anelementary school, there are 500
students 300 depending on theelementary school, 500 students
who get up and go without thefear.
Therefore, you can know this isnot something you need to be
afraid of.
So, since it's not somethingyou need to be afraid of, it is
(12:45):
something we can learn toovercome.
It is something we can learn totackle.
So that's where we starttalking about with them the
difference between a learnedfear and a legitimate fear.
That actually needs to besomething we're afraid of.
Okay, jumping off a cliffwithout a bungee cord fearful.
So we want to build confidencein our children and to do that,
(13:08):
they need to know that webelieve in them and they need to
know that we can help themidentify fearful versus
non-fearful situations,situations where they're safe
versus non-fearful situations,situations where they're safe
Maybe they need strategies, butthey're safe and situations
where it is okay to say, hey, wedon't cross the street without
looking both ways.
That's a legitimate fear.
But we can go to school andovercome the anxiety that comes
(13:34):
with some of school.
So confident kids are capableof taking on more challenges.
So we have to unlearn the fearthat we learned from maybe not
being successful in something orhaving a situation that made us
fearful, like bullying.
I have a couple episodes onbullying.
So if you have any questions orconcerns about bullying with
(13:55):
your children, please go tospecialparentorg and check that
out, because there's a lot oftips and strategies and there
are a lot of resources out therefor you.
I've posted several resourceson my website also.
Step three create routines.
If you have morning routinesand after school routines,
that's going to help childrenfeel that sense of control.
(14:17):
That's going to help childrenfeel that sense of control,
overcome that fear that they'velearned.
That's upcoming and it's justgoing to help them, in a sense,
have a checkbox to go throughthe day.
So, first things, firstchecklists.
I do have a checklist for mykids.
In the morning we have a binderand it's just a really thin
binder because we don't put alot of papers in it, but on one
side of it it says good morningand there's a checklist for each
(14:39):
child, because I have threekids in three very different
situations in life and they haveto do different things in the
morning.
Of course, your basics brushyour teeth, put deodorant on.
I have boys Brush your teeth,put your deodorant on.
Those basic things are stillthere.
But then there's also somethings like one of my children
(15:00):
makes lunch every day, the otherone doesn't.
So make lunch is on one listbut not on the other.
Not all three of my childrentake medication, so take meds is
on some of the lists, not onall the lists.
I have another checklist for theafternoon.
It says good afternoon or youcould even have it say welcome
home or so glad you're here, andthen it has a checklist when
(15:20):
you walk in the door you'regoing to do the following items.
It doesn't mean that I'm notthere for them while they're
doing them, but it gives them asense of power and control and a
sense of especially if theyhave ADHD hey, I can do this.
It teaches them a strategythat's useful for life.
So create checklists for them.
Create time trackers, thosecountdown timers where when you
(15:44):
turn them on for 10 minutes, itactually has the red shrink and
that helps them visually go.
Oh, I don't have much time left.
I got to keep going Because,especially with children with
ADHD, which kind of couples withautism a lot of times, keeping
track of time, you're justfighting a battle You're not
going to win.
(16:04):
You need to give themstrategies and so to reduce the
headaches and the stress foreverybody in the house, let's
develop those.
My special guest on a previousepisode when we talked about
going back to school Miss ShaunaFox.
She talked about how, for her,having ADHD as an adult, she has
a playlist that the songs arespecifically five minutes long,
(16:24):
so she knows that if she has 10minutes left, she hits the
playlist.
She only has two songs and bythe time two songs are done, she
needs to be ready, and thathelps her through it because for
her, the songs and the musicare very motivating for her.
So find time trackers, ways foryour children to be more
cognizant of the passage of time, and this is also a strategy
(16:45):
they can use as an adult.
So some sort of timer orcountdown.
Focus on the positive.
We want to help our children inthe morning, especially when
they're getting ready for school.
Focus on the things that aregoing really well.
Good morning morning,especially when they're getting
ready for school.
Focus on the things that aregoing really well.
Good morning, staying energizedIf they're oh, it's already a
bad morning.
This has happened.
(17:06):
Or I dropped this.
One morning it was I dropped mytoothbrush in the toilet and
the whole.
You can imagine the day wasgoing to be the worst day in the
world.
Now, well, we had a backuptoothbrush so it was okay, but
at the very least I was like youcan finger brush your teeth.
I'll buy you a toothbrush afterschool and we can focus on the
positive and we can turn it intoa fun and light environment,
(17:31):
helping them overcome littletiny things like that, the
things that sometimes can seemlike they're going to completely
derail a whole day.
If you manage those with them,if you're sitting there and just
keeping things positive,they're going to learn that
behavior.
They're going to learn thatthey don't need to be stressed
and they don't need to have fear, that they can handle it with a
(17:54):
good sense of humor and apositive attitude.
I kind of talked about thisearlier, thinking about the next
steps in the morning routine,not the whole morning, not the
whole day.
So breaking it down into nextsteps for them can be really
helpful too.
All right, next thing is toteach problem solving skills for
when they are away from you andthey need to start critically
(18:14):
thinking through things.
So problem solving skills.
Again, the bullying situation Ihave two whole episodes on
bullying.
So go to specialparentorg andtalk about bullying there, and
there's also on my websiteseveral different tips, tricks
and website resources for you.
But how do we handle things?
(18:36):
How do we handle test anxiety?
Well, okay, let's talk about itand you might even say here's a
real world skill, let's Googleit together, test anxiety and
let's read some stuff together.
Oh, that one's not going towork for you.
Oh, that sounds like a goodidea I never thought of.
And go through that with themwhen they're younger.
It's not so much usually testanxiety, but it might be more
(18:58):
like my friends didn't want tosit with me at lunch yesterday.
That's a legitimate.
That hurts man.
That's going to whoop right inthe child's little heart.
So, as a parent, what you can dois you can help them come up
with a strategy.
First of all, listen, hear outall the emotions, understand
that that pain is real.
That's a pain of rejection andyou have to help them know that
(19:21):
that's going to happen again inlife.
So we need to have a way tohandle it and talk them through
the situation.
Who can they sit with?
What kind of situations canthey come up with at school as
far as.
Are there any other places toeat lunch?
And it's so individualized.
I'm not going to give you amillion different options here,
but I would suggest that, evenif you just looked it up online
(19:43):
with them, they can, or foryourself to show them, and then
maybe even create like cut outprinted pictures.
If they're struggling tocommunicate with you on that,
you can have cut out printedpictures for them to use to help
understand what it is that weneed to do.
We're going to do step one,then step two, then step three.
(20:03):
If this happens, we're going todo this and we're going to go
talk to our teacher, we're goingto go talk to our counselor,
we're going to go outside in theplayground and sit in a
different place.
So that way we can maybe justobserve.
One thing that I think is hardfor children heck, it's hard for
(20:24):
adults is the understandingthat sometimes being alone is
not the same as being lonely.
And I do have an episode whereI talked with Annie about the
difference of being alone versusbeing lonely.
And sometimes, when we dealwith rejection at school,
especially because mom and dadaren't there to help lift us up,
(20:45):
we have to give them strategies.
Maybe we're going to give themmantras that they can repeat you
know, I am beautiful, I amloved, I am strong.
Maybe we're going to give themsomething to look at, a picture
of our family and how much weall love each other and we care
for each other.
But while they're dealing withthat, we also have to teach them
(21:07):
sometimes it's okay to be alone, because to be alone is an
opportunity for connection thatwouldn't have been there if I
was with those other friends.
And that's hard to teach, it'sharder to walk through, but it's
a real life skill because wehave to admit, even as adults,
it still happens.
So, teaching them that these arereal world problems that they
(21:29):
are going to tackle again andagain and again.
So we need to provide them withreal world strategies and ways
to handle the situation that arepositive.
Not getting angry not how darethose friends not like you.
Not blaming, because thatdoesn't lead to healing.
What we want to do is we wantto teach them how to work
(21:51):
through bullying, rejection,fears of test, anxiety, fears of
not being successful, becausethey're going to have times.
They're not successful.
We're not 100% successful ineverything that we do.
If we are, then we're being toochoosy and we're not taking
enough risk.
It's good to take risk.
It's good to fall downsometimes.
(22:11):
We're going to learn from that,so we want to teach them to
walk through that.
Finally, we have todifferentiate between what is a
real fear and what might be anexaggerated fear.
So, for example, sometimesfears are attention seeking.
For example, mom, can you checkthe closet one more time or can
(22:31):
you bring me back a cup ofwater?
When that starts happening alot, then it's really attention
seeking.
It's wanting you to stay around, and sometimes we need to say,
okay, they need some attentionin another.
Maybe they need some specialmom and dad time, or mom just
time or dad just time.
Maybe we need to sit down withthem in a different situation,
(22:52):
not in that moment, becausewe're not going to give in to
that fear, anxiety.
We need to sit down with themin a different time and take
them out to lunch, take them tothe park, whatever it is, spend
some extra quality time withthem.
Another one is is there fear dueto a perceived trauma and I'm
very careful when I use thisbecause I am a trauma therapist
(23:13):
perceived trauma versus realtrauma.
The difference really is isthat we can take a situation
that wasn't traumatic and makeit traumatic by how we choose to
think about it.
So if everyone was in thissituation and everything was
fine, but one person felt, oh mygosh, and it's just having this
huge emotional reaction, wehave to, in a sense, not dive
(23:36):
into that.
We have to simply say I get whyyou're feeling that way.
Now your feelings are not facts.
Let's re-examine the situation.
Versus a real trauma the deathof a family member, a pet,
something, maybe a naturaldisaster that took place, a
tornado wiping out your housethat's a real trauma and that
(23:59):
can impact going back to school.
That can impact the way we feelabout any situation.
So what we want to do is wewant to differentiate real fears
versus kind of thoseexaggerated ones that are maybe
attention seeking or exaggeratedbecause they're not
understanding a situation,they're just having a reaction
to it, versus a real one thatrequires extra help, extra
(24:21):
support from either aprofessional, mom, dad, etc.
Our goal as parents is slow,controlled exposure with a plan.
A little fear kept in check canbe useful.
I gave the example in my lastone.
If you're driving in ice orsnow, it's good to have a little
bit of fear to keep you safe,to keep you in check.
(24:43):
You want your children to havea little bit of fear when
talking to strangers, becausethat keeps them safe.
It keeps them in the back oftheir brain going is this a good
situation?
But we also don't want them tobe so fearful that they won't
leave the house or that theydon't have the self-confidence
to introduce themselves to momor dad's friend who they're
talking to.
So that little bit of fear wewant to have them have slow,
(25:06):
controlled exposure with a plan.
Little bit of fear we want tohave them have slow, controlled
exposure with a plan, and that'sgoing to help them overcome
anxiety, overcome fear, buildself-confidence because now they
know mom and dad believe that Ican do this Become self-assured
of their inner strength.
That is our goal becomingself-assured of their inner
strength, because somedaythey're going to have to rely on
(25:27):
themselves for something.
We're not going to be there andwe want to teach them how to do
that.
Next one, anxiety.
Part four, our last one, isgoing to be all about coping
strategies.
So please tune in for that.
Remember mom, dad, parents thisisn't easy to navigate.
It's going to take time.
It might become exhausting foryou at times and that's totally
(25:49):
normal.
So use your own copingstrategies.
But above all else, you'restrong, you're capable and
you've got this.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Has your child ever feltanxious about attending school?
(00:42):
I know my children have.
Hi everyone, and welcome to theSpecial Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson.
Today we're continuing our talksabout fear and anxiety in our
children, and some of this caneven be applied to ourselves.
So today, specifically talkingabout going back to school, I
had a special guest and we did acouple episodes actually on
(01:05):
back to school tips, tricks,especially for special needs
parents.
So Shauna Fox and I have athree-part series that is
already posted.
So if you haven't had a chanceto go to specialparentorg and
check that out, I highlyrecommend it.
Even if you're into the schoolyear, it's still a good way.
Maybe it can help kind ofrewrite a rocky ship or help you
with that second semester start.
(01:27):
Our goal as parents is toempower our children.
We want to help our childrennavigate the emotions that
they're going to experienceAnxiety and fear are normal.
In fact, all of our emotionsare normal.
They're all part of oureveryday life, our everyday
experience as human beings.
It's how we navigate theseemotions that's key.
(01:49):
It's critical to our success asadults and our success in our
relationships.
So emotions happen to us.
A statement that is frequentlymade with the community that I
work with is that your feelingsaren't facts.
They're real, but they're notnecessarily the facts of the
situation, because fourdifferent people can be in the
(02:12):
same situation and have fourdifferent feelings.
So your feelings, while they'rereal to you and we want to
teach our children this are notnecessarily the facts of the
situation.
And that's where we have to gofrom our middle limbic brain,
which is just a reaction emotioncenter brain, coming forward to
our thinking brain and we haveto say is this a real way that
(02:34):
we want to feel about thissituation?
School, school can produce a lotof anxiety and a lot of fear,
yet it's not something that wespecifically need to be fearful
and anxious about.
So as parents, we need toempower our children with a way
that they can overcome, pushthrough and find success,
(02:56):
regardless of the anxiety andthe fear that they're
experiencing.
Psychology Today saidreasonable emotions can cloud
our ability to judge situations.
Anxiety about school can beexhausting for both parents and
for children.
It can exhaust us both.
I know that for me just at thebeginning of school.
(03:19):
As a parent, I'm nervous, I'mexcited, I'm ready for them.
I'm also at the time going.
I hope they get good teachers,I hope the teacher understands
their IEP.
So I'm going through all thesethoughts in my brain and,
strangely enough, I've beenthrough school and I'm still
experiencing these emotions.
So I can only imagine, becauseI don't really remember as a kid
(03:42):
all of it, but I do remembersometimes lying in bed the night
before school started,sometimes unable to sleep,
because I don't really rememberas a kid all of it, but I do
remember sometimes lying in bedthe night before school started,
sometimes unable to sleepbecause I had so many different
emotions going in.
So one of the things I talkedabout specifically in my first
two sessions on anxiety was howimportant it is as parents that
we question correctly.
So, walking up to our childwho's having trouble sleeping
(04:02):
the night before or the weekleading up to school, we want to
say something like, hey, howare you feeling about school
starting?
And let them come out with allthe feelings, the excitement,
the anxiety, the this, the that,and say I can totally
understand.
I remember when I startedschool and have a great
conversation, then also talkabout, hey, I got through it and
(04:24):
you will too, and empower themwith that hope.
What we don't wanna say is areyou anxious about school?
Are you scared to go back toschool?
Because what we do when we askthe question that way is we tell
them that that's probably afeeling they should be having.
So that's why it's reallyimportant to question children
in a particular way.
Hey, if you've asked thosequestions before and you're now
(04:47):
going, oh man, don't worry aboutit, you're probably going to do
it again.
I know I still do sometimes,and sometimes, as my kids grow
up, I even say you know what?
I didn't ask that correctly.
Let me rephrase that, andthat's okay.
That's okay as a parent.
Maybe they're anxious becausethey're going to be called on
(05:07):
making friends, being teased,room packed with the people I
know our high school classes canbe up to 30 plus students,
whereas some of our elementaryschool classes 20, 25 students.
That's still a lot of kids inone room for one adult to be
working with, and they can evenfeel that everyone's looking at
them or they can feel thatnobody cares about them.
So you can have these widerange of emotions and every
(05:30):
child's going to fall in themiddle somewhere and guess what?
There is fear about beingcalled on.
There is what if I don't knowthe answer?
Or what if I do know the answerand I couldn't get it out.
So we have to work throughstrategies on that.
Maybe they're anxious because ofoutside of school situations.
Maybe they have some internalfeelings.
Maybe they're having grief Afamily member or even a pet
(05:52):
passed away recently and I don'twant to go back to school.
I'm still dealing with theseemotions.
Or maybe they have some lowself-esteem.
That's going on and they'reunsure of themselves.
Those are all completely normaland that might impact how they
feel about going to school, eventhough it's actually not about
school.
So helping our childrenidentify that is really critical
(06:16):
to helping them processing ittoo.
Or maybe they're anxious abouttheir abilities.
Some of our students that arein our special ed classes and my
children know, you know, I'vegot these areas I'm just not
good in, and going to schoolsometimes highlights for me that
I'm not good at it and otherpeople are good at it.
(06:37):
So they might be anxiousbecause of their own inabilities
in a subject area, theirstruggles with their behavior,
their struggles with theirbehavior, their struggles with
their ADHD and ability to payattention.
Maybe they have tics.
Sometimes children with autismor on medications will develop
tics.
So these are all things thatthey could be nervous about, and
(06:58):
I probably didn't even hit allof them.
In fact I'm sure I didn't.
So that's just a start.
So what do we do?
First and foremost, we want toask those open-ended questions
to help our children articulatewhat's going on.
And we may have to continuouslydig, because the first time you
ask the question we may not getdeep enough and your child may
(07:19):
not be able to really pinpointwhat's going on.
And it may not be just onesituation.
It could be.
You know, my cat died threemonths ago, but now that I'm
starting school I don't have mycat to snuggle with and make me
feel comfortable.
So it's actually multiplethings that are happening.
So when we dig deep and digover time, asking those
(07:41):
open-ended questions, we givethem an opportunity to process.
Remember, when we talkendedquestions, we give them an
opportunity to process.
Remember, when we talk throughthings, we process them
emotionally too, which is why alot of talk therapy is good.
So what if my child has a hardtime talking about things?
Exactly right, a lot of kids do.
Communication is a barrier for alot of children, so let's find
(08:03):
other ways to help themcommunicate.
Drawing is a good one,journaling if they can write.
But if they can write, they can.
Probably a lot of them can talk, but maybe they don't want to,
they're not comfortable yet.
So journaling might be best.
But drawing is one way to do it.
Printing off pictures ofdifferent things, allowing them
to kind of create a cut andpaste collage about how they're
(08:25):
feeling about the situation.
So there's a lot of differentways you can help them express
what it is that they're goingthrough, maybe even have them
create a song or create a gameout of it.
If you can get your child tojust in a way, tell you this is
how I'm feeling, even if it'swithout words, then you can help
(08:46):
them process those feelings,and sometimes the processing is
just a simple hug from mom anddad and saying I understand
completely why you feel that way.
I also believe that you'regoing to be okay because it's a
safe environment and I'm gonnahelp you get through this.
And sometimes that's all theyneed If they're having trouble
getting out of bed to go toschool.
(09:06):
What's hard about that isschool is not very good at
helping with that problembecause they're not there.
So my child's having troublegetting out of bed in the
morning.
I'm going to tell you right nowbribery sometimes is the
parent's best weapon tool.
Bribery can be the best tool.
Hey, if you want to have yourphone, your electronics, if you
(09:29):
want to play at Susie's house,if you want to, well, you may
have to use it.
If you want to play with thedog, if you want a piece of gum
after school, go get a treatafter school, whatever it is.
If you want me to put a candyin your lunch today, I need you
to get up and go, and evensometimes thinking about the
whole day is too much, so let'swheel it back.
(09:51):
Let's say all right, when youget out of bed and go brush your
teeth, there's going to be afive minute token for
electronics.
All you have to think about isthat I got the token.
On the back of it's going to bemaybe just use poker chips or
cards and on the front do fiveminutes.
And on the back tape, anotherpiece of paper that says what
the next step is.
And the next step is eatbreakfast and at the toaster or
(10:15):
wherever it is the plate thatthey're going to put breakfast
on, you have another five minutetoken.
So they get five more minutesof electronics time and of
course these numbers can beadjusted for your need.
But then on the back of thatit's going to say the next thing
.
So they're not thinking Fromthe minute they get up.
They're not thinking about thewhole day, they're thinking
about the next step.
So when we break down thingsinto steps, sometimes that can
(10:37):
help curtail the anxiety of thewhole situation and that can
really help us out.
So small issues like that, orbig issues, can be broken into
small issues by just tacklingone thing at a time.
So step one helping themidentify the problem.
If they can't identify whatthey're feeling and what's
(10:57):
making them feel that way, thenwe're going to have a hard time
helping them push through andresolve it.
So identifying it by asking theopen-ending questions, and then
what they're feeling by askingthe opening-end questions about
their emotions.
Step two now is focus on whatyou can control.
I can control getting up andbrushing my teeth.
I can control eating breakfast.
(11:19):
I can control getting on thebus.
When I'm on the bus, I cancontrol where I sit, and that
may or may not be a possibility,but if that is a stress, it is
something that can be worked outwith the school, absolutely
something that you can get helpwith as far as transportation
goes.
So that's where you can starttagging in the school.
(11:41):
In an area where you as aparent now have to relinquish
some control, you can tag in theschool to help you out.
Focus on what you can control.
Most fear is learned.
Most fear is not there from thetime we're born.
It is something we learn bywatching others or we learn it
(12:02):
because of interactions that wehave that cause us to feel that
way.
So, since most fear is learned,that means it can be unlearned.
Now, that does take time, soplease take the time to walk
your children through this.
Say, okay, you learned thatthat was something to be afraid
(12:22):
of, but I can tell you right nowit is.
There are, for example, in anelementary school, there are 500
students 300 depending on theelementary school, 500 students
who get up and go without thefear.
Therefore, you can know this isnot something you need to be
afraid of.
So, since it's not somethingyou need to be afraid of, it is
(12:45):
something we can learn toovercome.
It is something we can learn totackle.
So that's where we starttalking about with them the
difference between a learnedfear and a legitimate fear.
That actually needs to besomething we're afraid of.
Okay, jumping off a cliffwithout a bungee cord fearful.
So we want to build confidencein our children and to do that,
(13:08):
they need to know that webelieve in them and they need to
know that we can help themidentify fearful versus
non-fearful situations,situations where they're safe
versus non-fearful situations,situations where they're safe
Maybe they need strategies, butthey're safe and situations
where it is okay to say, hey, wedon't cross the street without
looking both ways.
That's a legitimate fear.
But we can go to school andovercome the anxiety that comes
(13:34):
with some of school.
So confident kids are capableof taking on more challenges.
So we have to unlearn the fearthat we learned from maybe not
being successful in something orhaving a situation that made us
fearful, like bullying.
I have a couple episodes onbullying.
So if you have any questions orconcerns about bullying with
(13:55):
your children, please go tospecialparentorg and check that
out, because there's a lot oftips and strategies and there
are a lot of resources out therefor you.
I've posted several resourceson my website also.
Step three create routines.
If you have morning routinesand after school routines,
that's going to help childrenfeel that sense of control.
(14:17):
That's going to help childrenfeel that sense of control,
overcome that fear that they'velearned.
That's upcoming and it's justgoing to help them, in a sense,
have a checkbox to go throughthe day.
So, first things, firstchecklists.
I do have a checklist for mykids.
In the morning we have a binderand it's just a really thin
binder because we don't put alot of papers in it, but on one
side of it it says good morningand there's a checklist for each
(14:39):
child, because I have threekids in three very different
situations in life and they haveto do different things in the
morning.
Of course, your basics brushyour teeth, put deodorant on.
I have boys Brush your teeth,put your deodorant on.
Those basic things are stillthere.
But then there's also somethings like one of my children
(15:00):
makes lunch every day, the otherone doesn't.
So make lunch is on one listbut not on the other.
Not all three of my childrentake medication, so take meds is
on some of the lists, not onall the lists.
I have another checklist for theafternoon.
It says good afternoon or youcould even have it say welcome
home or so glad you're here, andthen it has a checklist when
(15:20):
you walk in the door you'regoing to do the following items.
It doesn't mean that I'm notthere for them while they're
doing them, but it gives them asense of power and control and a
sense of especially if theyhave ADHD hey, I can do this.
It teaches them a strategythat's useful for life.
So create checklists for them.
Create time trackers, thosecountdown timers where when you
(15:44):
turn them on for 10 minutes, itactually has the red shrink and
that helps them visually go.
Oh, I don't have much time left.
I got to keep going Because,especially with children with
ADHD, which kind of couples withautism a lot of times, keeping
track of time, you're justfighting a battle You're not
going to win.
(16:04):
You need to give themstrategies and so to reduce the
headaches and the stress foreverybody in the house, let's
develop those.
My special guest on a previousepisode when we talked about
going back to school Miss ShaunaFox.
She talked about how, for her,having ADHD as an adult, she has
a playlist that the songs arespecifically five minutes long,
(16:24):
so she knows that if she has 10minutes left, she hits the
playlist.
She only has two songs and bythe time two songs are done, she
needs to be ready, and thathelps her through it because for
her, the songs and the musicare very motivating for her.
So find time trackers, ways foryour children to be more
cognizant of the passage of time, and this is also a strategy
(16:45):
they can use as an adult.
So some sort of timer orcountdown.
Focus on the positive.
We want to help our children inthe morning, especially when
they're getting ready for school.
Focus on the things that aregoing really well.
Good morning morning,especially when they're getting
ready for school.
Focus on the things that aregoing really well.
Good morning, staying energizedIf they're oh, it's already a
bad morning.
This has happened.
(17:06):
Or I dropped this.
One morning it was I dropped mytoothbrush in the toilet and
the whole.
You can imagine the day wasgoing to be the worst day in the
world.
Now, well, we had a backuptoothbrush so it was okay, but
at the very least I was like youcan finger brush your teeth.
I'll buy you a toothbrush afterschool and we can focus on the
positive and we can turn it intoa fun and light environment,
(17:31):
helping them overcome littletiny things like that, the
things that sometimes can seemlike they're going to completely
derail a whole day.
If you manage those with them,if you're sitting there and just
keeping things positive,they're going to learn that
behavior.
They're going to learn thatthey don't need to be stressed
and they don't need to have fear, that they can handle it with a
(17:54):
good sense of humor and apositive attitude.
I kind of talked about thisearlier, thinking about the next
steps in the morning routine,not the whole morning, not the
whole day.
So breaking it down into nextsteps for them can be really
helpful too.
All right, next thing is toteach problem solving skills for
when they are away from you andthey need to start critically
(18:14):
thinking through things.
So problem solving skills.
Again, the bullying situation Ihave two whole episodes on
bullying.
So go to specialparentorg andtalk about bullying there, and
there's also on my websiteseveral different tips, tricks
and website resources for you.
But how do we handle things?
(18:36):
How do we handle test anxiety?
Well, okay, let's talk about itand you might even say here's a
real world skill, let's Googleit together, test anxiety and
let's read some stuff together.
Oh, that one's not going towork for you.
Oh, that sounds like a goodidea I never thought of.
And go through that with themwhen they're younger.
It's not so much usually testanxiety, but it might be more
(18:58):
like my friends didn't want tosit with me at lunch yesterday.
That's a legitimate.
That hurts man.
That's going to whoop right inthe child's little heart.
So, as a parent, what you can dois you can help them come up
with a strategy.
First of all, listen, hear outall the emotions, understand
that that pain is real.
That's a pain of rejection andyou have to help them know that
(19:21):
that's going to happen again inlife.
So we need to have a way tohandle it and talk them through
the situation.
Who can they sit with?
What kind of situations canthey come up with at school as
far as.
Are there any other places toeat lunch?
And it's so individualized.
I'm not going to give you amillion different options here,
but I would suggest that, evenif you just looked it up online
(19:43):
with them, they can, or foryourself to show them, and then
maybe even create like cut outprinted pictures.
If they're struggling tocommunicate with you on that,
you can have cut out printedpictures for them to use to help
understand what it is that weneed to do.
We're going to do step one,then step two, then step three.
(20:03):
If this happens, we're going todo this and we're going to go
talk to our teacher, we're goingto go talk to our counselor,
we're going to go outside in theplayground and sit in a
different place.
So that way we can maybe justobserve.
One thing that I think is hardfor children heck, it's hard for
(20:24):
adults is the understandingthat sometimes being alone is
not the same as being lonely.
And I do have an episode whereI talked with Annie about the
difference of being alone versusbeing lonely.
And sometimes, when we dealwith rejection at school,
especially because mom and dadaren't there to help lift us up,
(20:45):
we have to give them strategies.
Maybe we're going to give themmantras that they can repeat you
know, I am beautiful, I amloved, I am strong.
Maybe we're going to give themsomething to look at, a picture
of our family and how much weall love each other and we care
for each other.
But while they're dealing withthat, we also have to teach them
(21:07):
sometimes it's okay to be alone, because to be alone is an
opportunity for connection thatwouldn't have been there if I
was with those other friends.
And that's hard to teach, it'sharder to walk through, but it's
a real life skill because wehave to admit, even as adults,
it still happens.
So, teaching them that these arereal world problems that they
(21:29):
are going to tackle again andagain and again.
So we need to provide them withreal world strategies and ways
to handle the situation that arepositive.
Not getting angry not how darethose friends not like you.
Not blaming, because thatdoesn't lead to healing.
What we want to do is we wantto teach them how to work
(21:51):
through bullying, rejection,fears of test, anxiety, fears of
not being successful, becausethey're going to have times.
They're not successful.
We're not 100% successful ineverything that we do.
If we are, then we're being toochoosy and we're not taking
enough risk.
It's good to take risk.
It's good to fall downsometimes.
(22:11):
We're going to learn from that,so we want to teach them to
walk through that.
Finally, we have todifferentiate between what is a
real fear and what might be anexaggerated fear.
So, for example, sometimesfears are attention seeking.
For example, mom, can you checkthe closet one more time or can
(22:31):
you bring me back a cup ofwater?
When that starts happening alot, then it's really attention
seeking.
It's wanting you to stay around, and sometimes we need to say,
okay, they need some attentionin another.
Maybe they need some specialmom and dad time, or mom just
time or dad just time.
Maybe we need to sit down withthem in a different situation,
(22:52):
not in that moment, becausewe're not going to give in to
that fear, anxiety.
We need to sit down with themin a different time and take
them out to lunch, take them tothe park, whatever it is, spend
some extra quality time withthem.
Another one is is there fear dueto a perceived trauma and I'm
very careful when I use thisbecause I am a trauma therapist
(23:13):
perceived trauma versus realtrauma.
The difference really is isthat we can take a situation
that wasn't traumatic and makeit traumatic by how we choose to
think about it.
So if everyone was in thissituation and everything was
fine, but one person felt, oh mygosh, and it's just having this
huge emotional reaction, wehave to, in a sense, not dive
(23:36):
into that.
We have to simply say I get whyyou're feeling that way.
Now your feelings are not facts.
Let's re-examine the situation.
Versus a real trauma the deathof a family member, a pet,
something, maybe a naturaldisaster that took place, a
tornado wiping out your housethat's a real trauma and that
(23:59):
can impact going back to school.
That can impact the way we feelabout any situation.
So what we want to do is wewant to differentiate real fears
versus kind of thoseexaggerated ones that are maybe
attention seeking or exaggeratedbecause they're not
understanding a situation,they're just having a reaction
to it, versus a real one thatrequires extra help, extra
(24:21):
support from either aprofessional, mom, dad, etc.
Our goal as parents is slow,controlled exposure with a plan.
A little fear kept in check canbe useful.
I gave the example in my lastone.
If you're driving in ice orsnow, it's good to have a little
bit of fear to keep you safe,to keep you in check.
(24:43):
You want your children to havea little bit of fear when
talking to strangers, becausethat keeps them safe.
It keeps them in the back oftheir brain going is this a good
situation?
But we also don't want them tobe so fearful that they won't
leave the house or that theydon't have the self-confidence
to introduce themselves to momor dad's friend who they're
talking to.
So that little bit of fear wewant to have them have slow,
(25:06):
controlled exposure with a plan.
Little bit of fear we want tohave them have slow, controlled
exposure with a plan, and that'sgoing to help them overcome
anxiety, overcome fear, buildself-confidence because now they
know mom and dad believe that Ican do this Become self-assured
of their inner strength.
That is our goal becomingself-assured of their inner
strength, because somedaythey're going to have to rely on
(25:27):
themselves for something.
We're not going to be there andwe want to teach them how to do
that.
Next one, anxiety.
Part four, our last one, isgoing to be all about coping
strategies.
So please tune in for that.
Remember mom, dad, parents thisisn't easy to navigate.
It's going to take time.
It might become exhausting foryou at times and that's totally
(25:49):
normal.
So use your own copingstrategies.
But above all else, you'restrong, you're capable and
you've got this.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
specialparentorg.
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