October 28, 2024 • 23 mins
Can anxiety really be a stepping stone to growth? Join me, Dr. Deanna Iverson, on the Special Parent Podcast to unravel this intriguing concept, inspired by insights from Lisa DeMoor. This episode offers a heartfelt promise to equip you with the tools to empower your children in navigating their anxieties. By focusing on normalizing anxiety as an essential part of development, we delve into the art of asking open-ended questions that encourage genuine expression without fixating on fear. Discover how validating emotions and celebrating small victories can build resilience, supported by both modern psychology and timeless biblical wisdom.
We then explore actionable strategies for managing anxiety, tailored especially for children. Learn how modeling positive coping mechanisms and implementing rewarding systems like mantras and visualizations can transform anxious moments into opportunities for growth. Practical techniques such as gratitude exercises, sensory experiences, and reframing negative thoughts are just some of the tools that can aid in this journey. We also shed light on tackling school-related anxiety by shifting from emotion-driven to more rational responses, providing insights that are as practical as they are empowering. Together, let's embark on this journey of understanding and support, because you're not alone—we've got this.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel!
https://www.youtube.com/@specialparentpodcast?sub_confirmation=1
Visit www.specialparent.org and join our community for new episode alerts, show summaries, and The Special Parent Blog!
Follow us: https://linkin.bio/specialparentpodcast
Support the show: https://patreon.com/TheSpecialParentPodcast
Your contribution helps us to continue making new episodes and achieve our goal of reaching as many parents, families, and caregivers of children with special needs as possible, to provide support, guidance, hope, and community!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Hi everyone.
Welcome to the Special ParentPodcast.
(00:41):
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and Iinvite you here to join us today
.
This is part two of a talk we'rehaving on anxiety.
I did an episode on medicalanxiety and so that one is
already posted.
Please go check that one out.
And I've already talked to youa little bit in part one about
(01:02):
anxiety, and so if you haven'tcaught that one yet, go back to
specialparentorg and check outpart one on anxiety.
This four part episodes fourparts, excuse me four different
episodes are going to be dealingwith different aspects and
parts of anxiety.
So today we're talking aboutwalking through anxiety,
normalizing anxiety.
So main question here have youor your child ever experienced
(01:24):
anxiety?
If you say no, probably alittle bit lying to yourself.
We know that all of us have alittle bit of anxiety and the
thing is it just feelsdifferently for everybody.
So what we want to do is wewant to learn how to teach our
children to power through this,how to say it's completely
normal and it's going to happenagain.
(01:46):
So what do we do about it?
So if you missed part one, gocheck that out.
One of my favorite quotes that Iincluded in part one but I'm
going to say to you again, wasfrom Lisa DeMoor, and she said
we must normalize distress as apart of life.
We must make sure to allowourselves and our children to
understand that it is essentialto feel distress.
(02:06):
It is essential to help us grow, learn, guide us, give us
feedback.
You should have times where youfeel sad, anxious, stressed,
because that is the rightresponse.
So what do we do with that?
When we talk about normalizinganxiety, one of the main things
that we have to focus on are ourtriumphs, instead of focusing
(02:30):
on the fear.
We come up with ways to, in asense, overcome or be strong and
push through the fear, and wefocus on our triumphs and our
successes.
So, to lead off of last time,there is a way that we as
parents can very carefullyquestion our kids about their
(02:51):
anxiety.
And I say very carefullybecause we don't want to, in a
sense, lean into the fear.
Yes, we want to validate it.
We want to say to them hey,it's really, this is a
legitimate feeling.
I have felt fear too, aboutsomething similar.
So, for example, let's say thatthey're having anxiety about
(03:13):
something dealing with school orfriendships or trying a new
experience.
We've all had anxiety withthose situations and that's
perfectly normal.
So we want to say to them I getit, it's perfectly normal.
So I encourage you to talk tothem about it, but really be
careful not to have leadingquestions.
(03:33):
So here's some examples Aleading question is going to
fuel the fear and feed the cycle.
So it's going to.
A leading question is going toadd fuel to how they feel and
it's going to strengthen thatthey should feel this again.
So we want to say somethinglike I understand that you're
(03:56):
anxious, tell me about that.
But we also want to not say areyou anxious about your test
coming up, to not say are youanxious about your test coming
up.
So if they're telling us I'mnervous about this, then that's
something we can talk about.
But if they come to us and sayI have a test on Friday, we
don't want to turn to them andsay, are you anxious about that
(04:17):
test?
Because that's a leadingquestion that tells them in a
sense oh, should I be, should Ibe anxious about it.
Instead, we want to say tell mehow you're feeling about that
test.
In actuality, they're probablyfeeling a lot of different
things.
If you think about somethingthat you were once anxious about
, you were probably anxiousabout a lot of little things
(04:37):
about it, but then you also hadexcitement about something.
Maybe you were feelingoverwhelmed.
So there's a lot of differentfeelings that can go into
something.
That's why, instead of givingthem a feeling, we want to ask
them about their feeling.
So instead, we would say, ifthey're telling us you know, oh,
I don't want to go in my room,it's dark, oh, are you afraid of
the dark?
(04:57):
That's not what we want to do.
Instead, what we want to say istell me what you're feeling
afraid of.
Tell me what you're feelingafraid of.
Or something we don't want tosay is are you worried about?
Instead, we want to say tell mehow you feel about.
We want to help them learn toidentify their emotions rather
(05:21):
than, in a sense, telling themwhat they should feel about it.
And open-ended questions how areyou feeling about what they
should feel about it?
And open-ended questions howare you feeling about?
Is an opportunity to steer theconversation, so this can get us
talking about the good and thebad of all situations and it can
really get us leaning into allthe different emotions and
feelings that we can process.
At the same time, open-endedquestions also lead to creating
(05:43):
an action plan.
So when they start talkingabout all the different things
that they're feeling, we canfocus on the good and then we
can create an action plan forthe things that are challenging
us or the things that are makingit a struggle for us to get
through what it is that we'refeeling anxious or worried or
fearful about.
So a great quote from the Bible.
(06:04):
It says where no counsel is,the people fall.
But in the multitude ofcounselors there is safety.
So you, as a parent, you're acounselor.
You're providing a safeenvironment for them to process
all the things that they'refeeling about a situation, and
anxiety or fear is probably oneof those things.
So you're providing anopportunity for them to now
(06:25):
openly discuss a situation whichis going to, as it says here,
it's going to provide safety andit's going to take away some of
that anxiety and fear.
So another tip modeling thefunction rather than reinforcing
the fears.
We have to be careful of ourown tone and our own body
language when we're discussingdifferent topics.
(06:47):
We don't want to imply or saythis is something you should be
afraid of.
Instead, for example, a childhas a negative experience with a
dog.
I do know that there are manychildren that are fearful of
dogs or any other animals.
I know someone who's fearful ofa cat, even why they had a bad
experience.
So we don't want to lean intothat bad experience.
(07:09):
What we want to say is nexttime you're around a dog even if
it's the same dog, maybe set upa specific way to interact with
that.
Come up with that game plan.
Say you might feel anxiousabout that or how do you feel
about seeing that dog again?
And if they're like, that dog'sscary, I don't want to see him
again.
Really truly, unless it's asafety issue really truly, we
(07:35):
don't want to say, okay, then wewon't see that dog again or
that cat or whatever it is.
Because what that says to us isyou are right, dogs should be
something everybody fears.
It's okay if you don't likethem, but to have a fear of
something is very different.
So instead we want to say, well, why do you feel that way?
And have them start talkingabout it.
(07:56):
Listen to them.
A lot of times, a lot of us evenwill process our own emotions
just through talking about them.
Then we say, well, you knowthis dog, or most dogs or you
know, process our own emotionsjust through talking about them.
Then we say, well, you know,this dog, or most dogs, or you
know our neighbor's dog, are notones that we want to be afraid
of.
So we need to come up with agame plan to help you overcome
this fear and learn toappreciate the animals that are
(08:18):
around us.
So we're going to create a gameplan.
Okay, next time we get togetheror maybe we're going to
purposely set up times to gettogether with someone who has a
dog that we know is friendly andwe know is well-behaved what
we're going to do is we're goingto practice just being around
the dog, and step number onemight simply be being in the
same room.
So step number one, if theyhave anxiety about test taking,
(08:43):
anxiety it might just simply bebeing in the room, okay, and
knowing you have extra time.
So don't feel like you have torush through the test.
Take your time being in theroom with it.
Step number two, then, might behaving the dog sit next to them
and just being okay with that,while the owner is fully in
control of the dog.
(09:04):
And then step number threemight be petting the dog, so we
can really break down and dobaby steps to overcome fear and
anxiety of almost any situation,and again, we're talking about
safe situations.
So they're afraid of rollercoasters.
Well, that's an okay fear.
Some people don't like them,but that doesn't mean we can't
(09:26):
enter the amusement park.
It just might mean that maybeyour stomach gets sick and you
don't like the roller coaster,so we're not going to go on it,
but you can still be aroundother people who are going on
roller coasters.
So that's the kind of situationI'm talking about is creating
it.
So it's not something thatwe're afraid of, that, it's just
something that we're able torecognize.
Oh, I feel this, but I have tokind of push through.
(09:48):
All right, so to avoid this,we're going to set up an action
plan.
We're going to talk aboutdetails.
Now, talking about details doesdepend on the developmental
level of your child.
The details might simply beyou're going to come lean on mom
or dad, you're going to comesit next to us, or you might.
We have a signal if you'refeeling nervous or anxious, a
(10:09):
signal that you're going to giveus, and then we're going to
help you work through thatsituation or help you even
identify what it is that'smaking you feel this way.
Maybe they can't pinpointsomething that's making them
anxious.
We're going to model positivecoping strategies.
So we, as parents, rather thanpulling them away from the
anxious situation which is goingto cause the cycle to continue,
rather than pulling them awayfrom the anxious situation which
(10:30):
is going to cause the cycle tocontinue, rather than pulling
them away, we're going to modeleven times that we're anxious
ourselves or fearful ofsomething ourselves.
We're going to model pushingthrough.
We're going to say wow, lasttime I was feeling super anxious
, I talked to dad or mom.
So talk to a trusted spouse.
I talked to a best friend.
(10:51):
Or another situation that youcan say is I found it was really
calming for me to listen tomusic.
Before I gave a presentation,before I had to stand up and
speak in front of somebody and Ilistened to music.
Or maybe for you it's listeningto motivational, powerful,
encouraging words.
Maybe you read a scripture,maybe you have positive quotes
(11:18):
that you refer to and you readthem to kind of build yourself
up and say I've got this, I cando this.
Other ideas maybe it wasafterward, I was still feeling
anxious, but I got through it.
So then I worked on a puzzleand the puzzle just gave me a
chance to calm my emotions down.
Or I drew a picture Beforehand.
I journaled all my feelings andfears.
(11:39):
I talked about this is whatcould possibly happen.
These are all the things.
But in the end I know I'm goingto be safe, I know I'm going to
be secure.
In the end I know I'm going tobe safe.
I know I'm going to be secure,and so it's okay that I'm going
to go through this.
So we talk about that.
We can talk about differentcoping strategies, and actually
(12:00):
that is one of the episodes I'mgoing to do, number four.
So I'll kind of continue onfrom here.
But we have to model that, wehave to show them and talk them
through and if they see usfeeling anxious in a moment hey,
mom, dad, I noticed this wetalk through.
These are the things that I did.
You're right, I did feel someanxiety about that.
So we can talk through thosesituations.
(12:21):
So we're supporting them byproviding them with appropriate
strategies for every givensituation.
Another coping way for anxietysomething that's absolutely
acceptable to do in somesituations is distraction.
Sometimes we just need becauseanxiety is in that middle part
of our brain and it's an emotion.
(12:43):
So when it's in the middle partof our brain and it's an
emotion, our thinking brainturned off, it's not working.
So what do we want to do?
We want to re-engage thethinking brain so we can work
through the emotion.
So when we provide ourselveswith a distraction, that's not
about the thing we're anxiousabout.
It engages the thinking part ofour brain and a lot of times
(13:04):
that just helps us work throughthe emotion.
If that means you have to bribethem, give them a little candy,
promise them a little treat,that's okay.
I talked about in my medicalepisode how my son and I have a
routine.
Every time he has a medicalappointment, we have Starbucks.
That's just our thing.
He always gets to get in.
It used to be the same treatover and over.
Now he's expanded his palate alittle bit.
(13:25):
We have a couple differenttreats to choose from, but he
gets a treat.
He gets a treat from Starbucksbecause he made it through that
medical appointment and he knowsthat every medical appointment
he's going to get a treat.
But it's something that whenhe's feeling anxious, I said
remember, I'm going to promiseyou we're going to do this and
you're going to be okay gettingthrough it.
So it's okay to add a littlebit of a bribe, don't feel
guilty.
(13:45):
Sometimes we just call those amotivation and they're short
term, but they help us getthrough the feeling so that we
have a long term result, a longterm overcoming of this anxiety.
Maybe it's something that we'regoing to recite.
I know when we took our kidsone time we were walking and it
(14:07):
had just been a really long day,and so we started the mantras,
the Iversons can do it.
The Ivers, the mantras, theIversons can do it.
The Iversons can do it.
Iversons can do hard thingsbecause we're strong.
So if you start coming up witha mantra, even if it's on a spot
, that can sometimes helpstudents just find the courage
and the willpower to get throughit.
And reciting something andacting that memory boop
(14:28):
distraction flips us out of thatmiddle brain.
We can visualize something.
I want to visualize you on theother side of this.
Or do you remember when we wentto the zoo and you really
enjoyed riding the carousel?
I want you to picture yourselfon the carousel.
Remember the music.
So maybe even on your phone,pull up carousel music or
(14:49):
something like that.
So we distract by visualizingeither something that really
happened or something that wewant to have happen.
Another distraction is to countthe blessings.
All right, remember the thingsthat we're really grateful for
when we're feeling fear.
That can sometimes pull usright out of that fear part of
the brain, pull us into thatgrateful part of our brain and
(15:11):
provide a distraction Movement's, a great distraction Pressure.
We had an occupational therapistwho taught us how to do.
It was like a joint pressurewith our son, just kind of how
you just kind of move throughand then you do a little joint
compression.
You have to talk to anoccupational therapist that's
not my role, but it workedwonders for him and so when he
(15:33):
would start to get anxious oroverwhelmed, or even with his
autism, he would get overlyexcited and in a sense he had
sensory overload going on.
We would do the jointcompression, which is very light
, touching and squeezing, andpressure, and it calmed him down
right away.
So we noticed that in autismkids that when they start to get
fearful or anxious, a lot oftimes it manifests itself in
(15:56):
seeming overstimulated, and sothat joint pressure really
helped with that Tapping andbreathing.
If they are able to count,tapping and control that that
works or to count theirbreathing.
In fact you can buy stickers onAmazon for breathing, their
sensory, their rub stickers, andthey walk you through different
breathing exercises that arereally helpful.
(16:16):
To have Smell, bring a perfume,or bring a cinnamon stick, or
bring something that's a smellthat might bring that calm,
relaxing feeling to them.
And it could be your perfumethat brings that calm, relaxing
feeling.
It could be, like I said, acinnamon stick or a vanilla
(16:37):
candle, whatever brings in thatcalm, relaxing feeling.
Sometimes I can help them go tosleep too.
Again, more strategies aregoing to come in episode number
four Well, number four of thispart on anxiety.
But the key part of this iswe're changing the brain.
We're taking the brain from onepart of the brain to the other
(17:00):
part of the brain and we'remaking it engage in a different
way as we work through our fearand our anxiety Modeling.
We talked about talking whatworks for you, but show them how
you reframe your thinking.
Talk them about how you talkyourself out of being anxious or
fearful and talk yourself intodoing something because it's
good for you.
And if you model that for them,then they will start adopting
(17:26):
that way of reframing andtalking themselves through
strategies.
So as they get older, hopefullythey continue to talk
themselves through the negativeemotions that they're having and
into more positive emotionsthemselves through the negative
emotions that they're having andinto more positive emotions.
I draw a cycle and I show howit's like.
Our thoughts, our emotions andour behaviors are all really
connected.
And if we allow our thoughts,emotions, our behaviors to all
(17:48):
stay in the same cycle, thenguess what?
We're going to stay in the samecycle, but if we change even
one of those, we kick off and wehave a new cycle.
So if we change the way we'rethinking which we can do by
distraction sometimes if wechange the way we're thinking,
we're going to and change thatcycle.
If we notice our emotions, feartackled us and we just choose.
(18:10):
Nope, I'm going to watch afunny video of dogs and make
myself laugh, which is going tochange the brain chemistry.
Boom, I kick myself out of thatcycle.
And then actions you know what?
I'm going to go outside andtake a walk.
I'm not going to sit in thisanxious moment and these anxious
thoughts.
I'm going to go outside andtake a walk and I'm going to
(18:31):
look around, maybe get somevitamin D from the sunlight.
Whatever it is you need to do.
So those are just a fewexamples.
But if we change even one ofthose three things in that cycle
, we kick ourselves out of thatcycle.
So, modeling how we do that,all right.
Finally, for today, helping themreframe their thinking.
That fear can come from a lackof knowledge or feeling, a lack
(18:55):
of control or power.
So when we reframe, help themreframe their thinking we're
saying to them either you don'tunderstand the situation enough
Now we wouldn't want toliterally say that that might
make them feel like, well, geez,but in our head we're going
okay, you don't understand thesituation, that's why you're
afraid of it.
So I'm going to educate youabout it, and we might have to
(19:16):
do education a lot many timesover and over again, especially
if our children have anylearning disabilities.
We might have to find differentways to educate them, but we
can do that.
What we're saying to them isI'm going to teach you about
this situation.
I'm going to teach you what'snot fearful, what we don't need
(19:36):
to have anxiety about.
That may not make their anxietygo away, but it can reduce the
anxiety and help them pushthrough.
Second part of that is if theyfeel like they don't have power
or control.
So if they feel a bullyingsituation I am afraid to be
around a certain individualbecause of the way they treat me
Okay, you feel like you don'thave any power or control over
(19:57):
you, over how you're beingtreated.
So we're going to come up withstrategies for that.
We're going to come up withways that you can gain your
power and control back, feelmore self-confident about
yourself, and ways then that youcan also tag in people that can
help you in the situation Signs, signals, trusted people to
(20:20):
talk to, etc.
But again, we're still going topush through and into a safe
situation, but we're going to doit with a plan that gives you
that power and control back.
Remind them when they're safe,where they're safe, who they're
safe with and how they cansafely communicate.
So when children feel that thatsafety area in those areas when
(20:45):
who, where and how tocommunicate they're going to
have less anxiety about thesituation as a whole, going to
have less anxiety about thesituation as a whole.
They have the power to overcomethis.
When they know you believe intheir power to overcome this,
they're going to have moreself-confidence in themselves.
So the key to all of this ispractice, practice, practice.
(21:07):
We don't overcome fear andanxiety in a one-time moment.
We overcome it.
Sometimes we always have it.
It's a little nugget back there, that's always there, but
that's not necessarily a badthing.
For example, if I'm driving inicy road conditions, it's okay
to be a little anxious andnervous because that might keep
us more safe, but that doesn'tmean I never drive in icy road
conditions.
I go skiing, so we do.
(21:28):
We drive in icy road conditions, but we have to.
A little bit is okay.
We just have to know what it isthat's safe and that we can
push through.
So the key is our feelings arenot facts your belief in them to
get through this and practice,practice, practice.
Those are the key things thatwe want to.
We want to teach them a new wayto think and feel about the
(21:52):
things that make them anxious orfearful.
So these were parts one and two,talking about normalizing and
overcoming fear and anxiety, thepower of our mind.
We have the middle brain, whichis called our limbic brain.
We want to move to thatprefrontal cortex, and the
reason we want to move to thefront of our brain is because
our middle brain is all aboutemotions, motions and reactions,
(22:15):
and we want to move out thefront of our brain is because
our middle brain is all aboutemotions, motions and reactions
and we want to move out of that.
We have to train ourselves todo that.
It's just simple training.
It's like learning anythingelse in life.
So in part three, we're going totalk a little bit about school
anxiety, because that istypically an area that produces
a lot of anxiety for children isschool, and there's lots of
different aspects of school thatwe're going to discuss.
(22:35):
And then part four, we willtalk about specific coping
strategies.
So thank you so much forjoining me today on the Special
Parent Podcast.
I love having you here andremember you've got this.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
(22:56):
specialparentorg.
Welcome to the Special Parent Podcast.
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson, a proudmom of three boys and two
incredible kids with specialneeds.
I'm here to remind you thatyou're not alone on this journey
.
Whether you're navigating thehighs, the lows or those moments
in between, this podcast isyour weekly dose of hope, help
and heartfelt guidance.
(00:20):
Together, we'll celebrate thevictories, tackle the challenges
and connect with a communitythat truly understands.
So grab your favorite cup ofcoffee or tea, settle in and
let's embark on this empoweringjourney together.
You've got this.
Hi everyone.
Welcome to the Special ParentPodcast.
(00:41):
I'm Dr Deanna Iverson and Iinvite you here to join us today
.
This is part two of a talk we'rehaving on anxiety.
I did an episode on medicalanxiety and so that one is
already posted.
Please go check that one out.
And I've already talked to youa little bit in part one about
(01:02):
anxiety, and so if you haven'tcaught that one yet, go back to
specialparentorg and check outpart one on anxiety.
This four part episodes fourparts, excuse me four different
episodes are going to be dealingwith different aspects and
parts of anxiety.
So today we're talking aboutwalking through anxiety,
normalizing anxiety.
So main question here have youor your child ever experienced
(01:24):
anxiety?
If you say no, probably alittle bit lying to yourself.
We know that all of us have alittle bit of anxiety and the
thing is it just feelsdifferently for everybody.
So what we want to do is wewant to learn how to teach our
children to power through this,how to say it's completely
normal and it's going to happenagain.
(01:46):
So what do we do about it?
So if you missed part one, gocheck that out.
One of my favorite quotes that Iincluded in part one but I'm
going to say to you again, wasfrom Lisa DeMoor, and she said
we must normalize distress as apart of life.
We must make sure to allowourselves and our children to
understand that it is essentialto feel distress.
(02:06):
It is essential to help us grow, learn, guide us, give us
feedback.
You should have times where youfeel sad, anxious, stressed,
because that is the rightresponse.
So what do we do with that?
When we talk about normalizinganxiety, one of the main things
that we have to focus on are ourtriumphs, instead of focusing
(02:30):
on the fear.
We come up with ways to, in asense, overcome or be strong and
push through the fear, and wefocus on our triumphs and our
successes.
So, to lead off of last time,there is a way that we as
parents can very carefullyquestion our kids about their
(02:51):
anxiety.
And I say very carefullybecause we don't want to, in a
sense, lean into the fear.
Yes, we want to validate it.
We want to say to them hey,it's really, this is a
legitimate feeling.
I have felt fear too, aboutsomething similar.
So, for example, let's say thatthey're having anxiety about
(03:13):
something dealing with school orfriendships or trying a new
experience.
We've all had anxiety withthose situations and that's
perfectly normal.
So we want to say to them I getit, it's perfectly normal.
So I encourage you to talk tothem about it, but really be
careful not to have leadingquestions.
(03:33):
So here's some examples Aleading question is going to
fuel the fear and feed the cycle.
So it's going to.
A leading question is going toadd fuel to how they feel and
it's going to strengthen thatthey should feel this again.
So we want to say somethinglike I understand that you're
(03:56):
anxious, tell me about that.
But we also want to not say areyou anxious about your test
coming up, to not say are youanxious about your test coming
up.
So if they're telling us I'mnervous about this, then that's
something we can talk about.
But if they come to us and sayI have a test on Friday, we
don't want to turn to them andsay, are you anxious about that
(04:17):
test?
Because that's a leadingquestion that tells them in a
sense oh, should I be, should Ibe anxious about it.
Instead, we want to say tell mehow you're feeling about that
test.
In actuality, they're probablyfeeling a lot of different
things.
If you think about somethingthat you were once anxious about
, you were probably anxiousabout a lot of little things
(04:37):
about it, but then you also hadexcitement about something.
Maybe you were feelingoverwhelmed.
So there's a lot of differentfeelings that can go into
something.
That's why, instead of givingthem a feeling, we want to ask
them about their feeling.
So instead, we would say, ifthey're telling us you know, oh,
I don't want to go in my room,it's dark, oh, are you afraid of
the dark?
(04:57):
That's not what we want to do.
Instead, what we want to say istell me what you're feeling
afraid of.
Tell me what you're feelingafraid of.
Or something we don't want tosay is are you worried about?
Instead, we want to say tell mehow you feel about.
We want to help them learn toidentify their emotions rather
(05:21):
than, in a sense, telling themwhat they should feel about it.
And open-ended questions how areyou feeling about what they
should feel about it?
And open-ended questions howare you feeling about?
Is an opportunity to steer theconversation, so this can get us
talking about the good and thebad of all situations and it can
really get us leaning into allthe different emotions and
feelings that we can process.
At the same time, open-endedquestions also lead to creating
(05:43):
an action plan.
So when they start talkingabout all the different things
that they're feeling, we canfocus on the good and then we
can create an action plan forthe things that are challenging
us or the things that are makingit a struggle for us to get
through what it is that we'refeeling anxious or worried or
fearful about.
So a great quote from the Bible.
(06:04):
It says where no counsel is,the people fall.
But in the multitude ofcounselors there is safety.
So you, as a parent, you're acounselor.
You're providing a safeenvironment for them to process
all the things that they'refeeling about a situation, and
anxiety or fear is probably oneof those things.
So you're providing anopportunity for them to now
(06:25):
openly discuss a situation whichis going to, as it says here,
it's going to provide safety andit's going to take away some of
that anxiety and fear.
So another tip modeling thefunction rather than reinforcing
the fears.
We have to be careful of ourown tone and our own body
language when we're discussingdifferent topics.
(06:47):
We don't want to imply or saythis is something you should be
afraid of.
Instead, for example, a childhas a negative experience with a
dog.
I do know that there are manychildren that are fearful of
dogs or any other animals.
I know someone who's fearful ofa cat, even why they had a bad
experience.
So we don't want to lean intothat bad experience.
(07:09):
What we want to say is nexttime you're around a dog even if
it's the same dog, maybe set upa specific way to interact with
that.
Come up with that game plan.
Say you might feel anxiousabout that or how do you feel
about seeing that dog again?
And if they're like, that dog'sscary, I don't want to see him
again.
Really truly, unless it's asafety issue really truly, we
(07:35):
don't want to say, okay, then wewon't see that dog again or
that cat or whatever it is.
Because what that says to us isyou are right, dogs should be
something everybody fears.
It's okay if you don't likethem, but to have a fear of
something is very different.
So instead we want to say, well, why do you feel that way?
And have them start talkingabout it.
(07:56):
Listen to them.
A lot of times, a lot of us evenwill process our own emotions
just through talking about them.
Then we say, well, you knowthis dog, or most dogs or you
know, process our own emotionsjust through talking about them.
Then we say, well, you know,this dog, or most dogs, or you
know our neighbor's dog, are notones that we want to be afraid
of.
So we need to come up with agame plan to help you overcome
this fear and learn toappreciate the animals that are
(08:18):
around us.
So we're going to create a gameplan.
Okay, next time we get togetheror maybe we're going to
purposely set up times to gettogether with someone who has a
dog that we know is friendly andwe know is well-behaved what
we're going to do is we're goingto practice just being around
the dog, and step number onemight simply be being in the
same room.
So step number one, if theyhave anxiety about test taking,
(08:43):
anxiety it might just simply bebeing in the room, okay, and
knowing you have extra time.
So don't feel like you have torush through the test.
Take your time being in theroom with it.
Step number two, then, might behaving the dog sit next to them
and just being okay with that,while the owner is fully in
control of the dog.
(09:04):
And then step number threemight be petting the dog, so we
can really break down and dobaby steps to overcome fear and
anxiety of almost any situation,and again, we're talking about
safe situations.
So they're afraid of rollercoasters.
Well, that's an okay fear.
Some people don't like them,but that doesn't mean we can't
(09:26):
enter the amusement park.
It just might mean that maybeyour stomach gets sick and you
don't like the roller coaster,so we're not going to go on it,
but you can still be aroundother people who are going on
roller coasters.
So that's the kind of situationI'm talking about is creating
it.
So it's not something thatwe're afraid of, that, it's just
something that we're able torecognize.
Oh, I feel this, but I have tokind of push through.
(09:48):
All right, so to avoid this,we're going to set up an action
plan.
We're going to talk aboutdetails.
Now, talking about details doesdepend on the developmental
level of your child.
The details might simply beyou're going to come lean on mom
or dad, you're going to comesit next to us, or you might.
We have a signal if you'refeeling nervous or anxious, a
(10:09):
signal that you're going to giveus, and then we're going to
help you work through thatsituation or help you even
identify what it is that'smaking you feel this way.
Maybe they can't pinpointsomething that's making them
anxious.
We're going to model positivecoping strategies.
So we, as parents, rather thanpulling them away from the
anxious situation which is goingto cause the cycle to continue,
rather than pulling them awayfrom the anxious situation which
(10:30):
is going to cause the cycle tocontinue, rather than pulling
them away, we're going to modeleven times that we're anxious
ourselves or fearful ofsomething ourselves.
We're going to model pushingthrough.
We're going to say wow, lasttime I was feeling super anxious
, I talked to dad or mom.
So talk to a trusted spouse.
I talked to a best friend.
(10:51):
Or another situation that youcan say is I found it was really
calming for me to listen tomusic.
Before I gave a presentation,before I had to stand up and
speak in front of somebody and Ilistened to music.
Or maybe for you it's listeningto motivational, powerful,
encouraging words.
Maybe you read a scripture,maybe you have positive quotes
(11:18):
that you refer to and you readthem to kind of build yourself
up and say I've got this, I cando this.
Other ideas maybe it wasafterward, I was still feeling
anxious, but I got through it.
So then I worked on a puzzleand the puzzle just gave me a
chance to calm my emotions down.
Or I drew a picture Beforehand.
I journaled all my feelings andfears.
(11:39):
I talked about this is whatcould possibly happen.
These are all the things.
But in the end I know I'm goingto be safe, I know I'm going to
be secure.
In the end I know I'm going tobe safe.
I know I'm going to be secure,and so it's okay that I'm going
to go through this.
So we talk about that.
We can talk about differentcoping strategies, and actually
(12:00):
that is one of the episodes I'mgoing to do, number four.
So I'll kind of continue onfrom here.
But we have to model that, wehave to show them and talk them
through and if they see usfeeling anxious in a moment hey,
mom, dad, I noticed this wetalk through.
These are the things that I did.
You're right, I did feel someanxiety about that.
So we can talk through thosesituations.
(12:21):
So we're supporting them byproviding them with appropriate
strategies for every givensituation.
Another coping way for anxietysomething that's absolutely
acceptable to do in somesituations is distraction.
Sometimes we just need becauseanxiety is in that middle part
of our brain and it's an emotion.
(12:43):
So when it's in the middle partof our brain and it's an
emotion, our thinking brainturned off, it's not working.
So what do we want to do?
We want to re-engage thethinking brain so we can work
through the emotion.
So when we provide ourselveswith a distraction, that's not
about the thing we're anxiousabout.
It engages the thinking part ofour brain and a lot of times
(13:04):
that just helps us work throughthe emotion.
If that means you have to bribethem, give them a little candy,
promise them a little treat,that's okay.
I talked about in my medicalepisode how my son and I have a
routine.
Every time he has a medicalappointment, we have Starbucks.
That's just our thing.
He always gets to get in.
It used to be the same treatover and over.
Now he's expanded his palate alittle bit.
(13:25):
We have a couple differenttreats to choose from, but he
gets a treat.
He gets a treat from Starbucksbecause he made it through that
medical appointment and he knowsthat every medical appointment
he's going to get a treat.
But it's something that whenhe's feeling anxious, I said
remember, I'm going to promiseyou we're going to do this and
you're going to be okay gettingthrough it.
So it's okay to add a littlebit of a bribe, don't feel
guilty.
(13:45):
Sometimes we just call those amotivation and they're short
term, but they help us getthrough the feeling so that we
have a long term result, a longterm overcoming of this anxiety.
Maybe it's something that we'regoing to recite.
I know when we took our kidsone time we were walking and it
(14:07):
had just been a really long day,and so we started the mantras,
the Iversons can do it.
The Ivers, the mantras, theIversons can do it.
The Iversons can do it.
Iversons can do hard thingsbecause we're strong.
So if you start coming up witha mantra, even if it's on a spot
, that can sometimes helpstudents just find the courage
and the willpower to get throughit.
And reciting something andacting that memory boop
(14:28):
distraction flips us out of thatmiddle brain.
We can visualize something.
I want to visualize you on theother side of this.
Or do you remember when we wentto the zoo and you really
enjoyed riding the carousel?
I want you to picture yourselfon the carousel.
Remember the music.
So maybe even on your phone,pull up carousel music or
(14:49):
something like that.
So we distract by visualizingeither something that really
happened or something that wewant to have happen.
Another distraction is to countthe blessings.
All right, remember the thingsthat we're really grateful for
when we're feeling fear.
That can sometimes pull usright out of that fear part of
the brain, pull us into thatgrateful part of our brain and
(15:11):
provide a distraction Movement's, a great distraction Pressure.
We had an occupational therapistwho taught us how to do.
It was like a joint pressurewith our son, just kind of how
you just kind of move throughand then you do a little joint
compression.
You have to talk to anoccupational therapist that's
not my role, but it workedwonders for him and so when he
(15:33):
would start to get anxious oroverwhelmed, or even with his
autism, he would get overlyexcited and in a sense he had
sensory overload going on.
We would do the jointcompression, which is very light
, touching and squeezing, andpressure, and it calmed him down
right away.
So we noticed that in autismkids that when they start to get
fearful or anxious, a lot oftimes it manifests itself in
(15:56):
seeming overstimulated, and sothat joint pressure really
helped with that Tapping andbreathing.
If they are able to count,tapping and control that that
works or to count theirbreathing.
In fact you can buy stickers onAmazon for breathing, their
sensory, their rub stickers, andthey walk you through different
breathing exercises that arereally helpful.
(16:16):
To have Smell, bring a perfume,or bring a cinnamon stick, or
bring something that's a smellthat might bring that calm,
relaxing feeling to them.
And it could be your perfumethat brings that calm, relaxing
feeling.
It could be, like I said, acinnamon stick or a vanilla
(16:37):
candle, whatever brings in thatcalm, relaxing feeling.
Sometimes I can help them go tosleep too.
Again, more strategies aregoing to come in episode number
four Well, number four of thispart on anxiety.
But the key part of this iswe're changing the brain.
We're taking the brain from onepart of the brain to the other
(17:00):
part of the brain and we'remaking it engage in a different
way as we work through our fearand our anxiety Modeling.
We talked about talking whatworks for you, but show them how
you reframe your thinking.
Talk them about how you talkyourself out of being anxious or
fearful and talk yourself intodoing something because it's
good for you.
And if you model that for them,then they will start adopting
(17:26):
that way of reframing andtalking themselves through
strategies.
So as they get older, hopefullythey continue to talk
themselves through the negativeemotions that they're having and
into more positive emotionsthemselves through the negative
emotions that they're having andinto more positive emotions.
I draw a cycle and I show howit's like.
Our thoughts, our emotions andour behaviors are all really
connected.
And if we allow our thoughts,emotions, our behaviors to all
(17:48):
stay in the same cycle, thenguess what?
We're going to stay in the samecycle, but if we change even
one of those, we kick off and wehave a new cycle.
So if we change the way we'rethinking which we can do by
distraction sometimes if wechange the way we're thinking,
we're going to and change thatcycle.
If we notice our emotions, feartackled us and we just choose.
(18:10):
Nope, I'm going to watch afunny video of dogs and make
myself laugh, which is going tochange the brain chemistry.
Boom, I kick myself out of thatcycle.
And then actions you know what?
I'm going to go outside andtake a walk.
I'm not going to sit in thisanxious moment and these anxious
thoughts.
I'm going to go outside andtake a walk and I'm going to
(18:31):
look around, maybe get somevitamin D from the sunlight.
Whatever it is you need to do.
So those are just a fewexamples.
But if we change even one ofthose three things in that cycle
, we kick ourselves out of thatcycle.
So, modeling how we do that,all right.
Finally, for today, helping themreframe their thinking.
That fear can come from a lackof knowledge or feeling, a lack
(18:55):
of control or power.
So when we reframe, help themreframe their thinking we're
saying to them either you don'tunderstand the situation enough
Now we wouldn't want toliterally say that that might
make them feel like, well, geez,but in our head we're going
okay, you don't understand thesituation, that's why you're
afraid of it.
So I'm going to educate youabout it, and we might have to
(19:16):
do education a lot many timesover and over again, especially
if our children have anylearning disabilities.
We might have to find differentways to educate them, but we
can do that.
What we're saying to them isI'm going to teach you about
this situation.
I'm going to teach you what'snot fearful, what we don't need
(19:36):
to have anxiety about.
That may not make their anxietygo away, but it can reduce the
anxiety and help them pushthrough.
Second part of that is if theyfeel like they don't have power
or control.
So if they feel a bullyingsituation I am afraid to be
around a certain individualbecause of the way they treat me
Okay, you feel like you don'thave any power or control over
(19:57):
you, over how you're beingtreated.
So we're going to come up withstrategies for that.
We're going to come up withways that you can gain your
power and control back, feelmore self-confident about
yourself, and ways then that youcan also tag in people that can
help you in the situation Signs, signals, trusted people to
(20:20):
talk to, etc.
But again, we're still going topush through and into a safe
situation, but we're going to doit with a plan that gives you
that power and control back.
Remind them when they're safe,where they're safe, who they're
safe with and how they cansafely communicate.
So when children feel that thatsafety area in those areas when
(20:45):
who, where and how tocommunicate they're going to
have less anxiety about thesituation as a whole, going to
have less anxiety about thesituation as a whole.
They have the power to overcomethis.
When they know you believe intheir power to overcome this,
they're going to have moreself-confidence in themselves.
So the key to all of this ispractice, practice, practice.
(21:07):
We don't overcome fear andanxiety in a one-time moment.
We overcome it.
Sometimes we always have it.
It's a little nugget back there, that's always there, but
that's not necessarily a badthing.
For example, if I'm driving inicy road conditions, it's okay
to be a little anxious andnervous because that might keep
us more safe, but that doesn'tmean I never drive in icy road
conditions.
I go skiing, so we do.
(21:28):
We drive in icy road conditions, but we have to.
A little bit is okay.
We just have to know what it isthat's safe and that we can
push through.
So the key is our feelings arenot facts your belief in them to
get through this and practice,practice, practice.
Those are the key things thatwe want to.
We want to teach them a new wayto think and feel about the
(21:52):
things that make them anxious orfearful.
So these were parts one and two,talking about normalizing and
overcoming fear and anxiety, thepower of our mind.
We have the middle brain, whichis called our limbic brain.
We want to move to thatprefrontal cortex, and the
reason we want to move to thefront of our brain is because
our middle brain is all aboutemotions, motions and reactions,
(22:15):
and we want to move out thefront of our brain is because
our middle brain is all aboutemotions, motions and reactions
and we want to move out of that.
We have to train ourselves todo that.
It's just simple training.
It's like learning anythingelse in life.
So in part three, we're going totalk a little bit about school
anxiety, because that istypically an area that produces
a lot of anxiety for children isschool, and there's lots of
different aspects of school thatwe're going to discuss.
(22:35):
And then part four, we willtalk about specific coping
strategies.
So thank you so much forjoining me today on the Special
Parent Podcast.
I love having you here andremember you've got this.
This program is made possibleby friends and partners of the
Special Parent Podcast.
For more information and tojoin our mailing list, visit
(22:56):
specialparentorg.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!